Season 8 Redo
by tanith75
Summary: A new, happy version of the end of Season 7 and all of Season 8. ED JH never break up. Forget about Eric and Kelso leaving. It doesn't happen here! No, you're not imagining things. I actually updated.
1. Question

"Question"

A night of drinking takes a strange turn when Hyde decides to propose to Jackie.

All titles come from songs of the seventies. This is a Moody Blues song.

Takes place sometime after the seventh season episode "2120 Michigan Avenue". So Kelso and Fez have their apartment, Hyde's sister is gone, and forget about Eric going to Africa. It doesn't happen here.

I own nothing, so don't sue me. I'm just trying to fix the disaster that was Season 8.

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. HYDE'S BEDROOM MORNING. JACKIE AND HYDE ARE IN BED, HE'S ON TOP OF HER AND THEY ARE MAKING OUT. JACKIE GENTLY PUSHES HIM OFF.

JACKIE:

Steven, I have to go. If Mr. Forman catches me down here he's going to kill us.

HYDE:

Yeah, (with a devilish smile) but what a way to go.

HYDE STARTS KISSING HER AGAIN. JACKIE PUSHES HIM OFF AGAIN AND SITS UP IN BED, THEN HYDE SITS UP.

JACKIE:

Steven, I'm serious! (snuggles up to him seductively) You know, if we were married I wouldn't have to leave.

HYDE:

Yeah well, marriage is the death of sex, so that's not a very persuasive argument.

JACKIE JUST ROLLS HER EYES

HYDE: (cont')

(making his move) So, (smiling) we should have all the sex we can before we get married.

THEY KISS. SUDDENLY JACKIE BREAKS AWAY WITH A HUGE GRIN ON HER FACE.

JACKIE:

Wait, wait (excited) what did you just say?

HYDE:

(goes back to kissing her) I said we should have all the sex we can.

HE DOESN'T REALIZE WHAT HE SAID.

JACKIE:

No, you said we should have all the sex we can before we get married. (Very slowly emphasizing every word) Before we get married.

HYDE STOPS KISSING HER BUT THEIR FACES REMAIN JUST INCHES APART.

HYDE:

I didn't say that.

JACKIE:

Yes you did.

HYDE:

No, I didn't.

JACKIE:

(louder and more insistent) Yes, you did.

HYDE:

(also louder) No, I didn't

JACKIE:

(teasing in a sing-song voice) Yes you did!

HYDE:

(slowly) No I didn't.

JACKIE:

(very matter-of-fact) Steven, You're not going to win. I can do this all day. Watch, (pauses) yes you did.

HYDE THROWS HIS ARMS IN THE AIR HE GIVES UP.

HYDE:

Fine! But don't get all excited it just slipped out. I've got a lack of blood flow to the brain right now. (pointing to his head)

JACKIE:

Oh my God, Steven!

SHE GRABS HIM AROUND THE NECK AND STARTS KISSING HIM

HYDE:

All right, let's get back to business.

THEY START MAKING OUT AGAIN AND SLOWLY LAY BACK DOWN.

JACKIE:

Steven, you practically proposed to me.

HYDE:

Jackie, that was not a proposal. When I propose you'll know it.

HYDE REALIZES RIGHT AWAY WHAT HE'S JUST SAID. THEY BOTH JUMP UP OFF THE BED AND HYDE BURIES HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS.

HYDE: (at the same time) Dammit!

JACKIE: (at the same time) A-ha!

HYDE:

(pacing like a caged animal) What the hell is the matter with me?

JACKIE JUST STANDS THERE SMILING WITH HER HANDS ON HER HIPS. NEITHER OF THEM SAYS ANYTHING. JACKIE CAN'T STOP SMILING

HYDE:

Stop it, Jackie.

JACKIE:

(innocently) I'm not saying anything. (grinning from ear to ear)

HYDE:

Yeah, but I know what you're thinking. (points at her) And stop thinking it!

THEY BOTH CONTINUE TO STAND THERE STARING AT EACH OTHER. JACKIE IS BEAMING AND HYDE LOOKS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

HYDE:

(warning her) Stop it, Jackie!

JACKIE:

(shrugs) I'm not doing anything.

HYDE:

Yes, you are.

JACKIE:

No, I'm not.

HYDE:

Yes, you are.

JACKIE:

No, I'm not.

HYDE:

(yells) Jackie!

NEITHER OF THEM SAYS ANYTHING. UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE.

JACKIE:

(still smiling she whispers to Hyde) No I'm not.

HYDE THROWS HIS ARMS UP IN THE AIR AND WALKS OUT. JACKIE SITS DOWN ON THE BED STILL SMILING.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT FORMAN KITCHEN MORNING. RED, HYDE AND ERIC ARE HAVING BREAKFAST. KITTY IS DIGGING AROUND UNDER THE SINK.

KITTY SHUTS THE CUPBOARD DOORS AND STANDS UP.

KITTY:

Well, I just do not have any room left in this kitchen.

ERIC:

(under his breath) I bet there'd be a lot more room if you got rid of all the wine bottles.

KITTY:

I heard that, Mr. Snarky Mouth. (pauses, irritated) Wine bottles are tall and skinny. They don't take up any room.

KITTY CROSSES OVER TO RED AT THE TABLE

KITTY: (cont')

Red, I need more storage space. (pauses) How about the garage?

RED:

Kitty, I do not want your fondue pots and waffle irons tainting my garage. A garage is a place for cars, tools...

HYDE:

(interrupting with a smile) Nudie calendars...

RED:

(sternly) Steven!

HYDE SMILES

RED: (cont')

Kitty, a garage is a man's sanctuary. His tiny, tiny sanctuary where he can go to escape the hell that is his life. And you're not putting girly stuff in the sanctuary.

KITTY:

(goes back to the sink area and rummages through the cupboards again) Well, it has to go somewhere. (pauses, thinking) I know, how about that old shower in the basement?

HYDE AND ERIC EXCHANGE NERVOUS GLANCES. THAT'S WERE THEY KEEP THEIR BEER SUPPLY.

KITTY: (cont')

Red, you could put up some shelves in there. We never use it anymore.

ERIC:

(panicking) We (indicating he and Hyde) use it. We keep our, our... (pauses wondering what in the world he can say) records in there. Records and ... (again he has no idea what to say)

HYDE:

(whispering to Eric) Comic books.

ERIC:

(nodding in agreement) Comic books. We keep our records and comic books in there.

ERIC LOOKS AT KITTY TO SEE IF SHE'S BUYING IT

ERIC: (cont')

Because... that's what we do in the basement. Listen to records and read comic books.

ERIC AND HYDE SMILE LIKE THEY'RE SWEET LITTLE ANGELS. KITTY SMILES AND HEADS OVER TO THE TABLE GIVING THEM EACH A KISS ON THE HEAD.

KITTY:

Oh my sweet little boys. (laughs) But I'm sure you can make room for some more things.

ERIC:

We'd love to, Mom. But you see, we already have everything organized ...

HYDE:

(interrupting him) And alphabetized.

ERIC:

Yep organized and alphabetized. (with a fake sad look on his face) It'd be a real shame to have to do it all again.

RED:

(irritated) Eric, your mother needs that space. So you and Steven better have your, (pauses because he knows what's really in the shower) "records and comic books" out of there by tomorrow. Got it?

ERIC:

(defeated) Fine. (sighs) Any suggestions on where we can put them?

RED:

Now those, (he smiles) can go in the garage.

RED'S GRINNING, KITTY DOESN'T GET IT AND HYDE AND ERIC LOOK BUMMED.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT FORMAN'S BASEMENT LATER THAT DAY

CLOSEUP OF THE SHOWER WHERE THERE ARE CASES AND CASES OF BEER. CUT TO HYDE, ERIC, FEZ AND KELSO STANDING LOOKING IN THE SHOWER. THEY ALL HAVE HUGE GRINS ON THEIR FACES.

ERIC:

(in a deep voice) Gentleman, this is your mission, should you choose to accept it.

THE "MISSION IMPOSSIBLE" TV SHOW THEME SONG CAN BE HEARD PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

FEZ:

(to the guys) You know, maybe we could just move the beer somewhere else. (looks nervous) We do not have to drink it all.

THE GUYS ALL LOOK AT HIM LIKE HE'S CRAZY

KELSO:

(to Fez) Where's the challenge in that?

ERIC:

Yeah, besides any unopened beer laying around is going straight into Red's garage. Never to be seen or heard from again.

HYDE:

(to the others) Come on guys! (trying to pump them up) This is our Olympics, this is our Mount Everest. This may be the only thing any of us ever accomplishes in our lives.

THEY ALL NOD IN AGREEMENT

HYDE: (cont')

So men, lets warm up with some stretches.

HYDE LEANS DOWN, PICKS UP A CAN OF BEER OFF THE STACK STANDS BACK UP AND BRINGS THE BEER CLOSER TO HIMSELF IN AN EXAGGERATED MOTION, LIKE HE'S STRETCHING.

HYDE: (cont')

Well, I'm stretched.

HYDE CRACKS OPEN HIS BEER AND SMILES. THE OTHERS ALSO GRAB BEERS.

ERIC:

(pauses thinking) Don't all great athletes prepare themselves mentally before a big event?

THEY ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER SMILING

CUT TO CIRCLE "TRUCKIN'" BY THE GRATEFUL DEAD PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

KELSO:

(with a huge dumb smile) Man, I should've been an athlete. This mental preparation stuff is great!

HYDE:

I could've been an athlete. (gets real serious) Except I wouldn't have played any sport that makes you wear shorts. (smiles) Only pansies like Forman wear shorts.

ERIC:

(angry) Man, I hated gym class. Remember that kid Chris Frasier who got his doctor to excuse him from gym for all four years of high school.

KELSO:

Oh yeah, I remember him. Wait, (thinking) didn't he have scoliosis?

ERIC:

(nodding yes) Lucky bastard!

FEZ:

(smiling) The ladies like a man who can play sports. (looks sad) That is one of my many, many problems with the ladies.

KELSO:

Imagine how much more foxy my body would be if I were an athlete. I think it's a good thing I'm not. (smiles, very proud of himself) I don't think the ladies of Point Place could handle any more hotness from me.

HYDE:

Hockey, I could've played hockey. (smiles) I like beating people up.

ERIC:

(still mad) I don't know why they wouldn't give me gym class credit for my Jedi light saber training camp.

FEZ:

Maybe if I had played sports the football team would not have stuck me in so many lockers.

ERIC:

(laughing) Yeah, but that wouldn't have stopped the marching band from doing it.

FEZ:

(angry) Sons of bitches.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT FORMAN BASEMENT A FEW HOURS LATER. THERE ARE EMPTY BEER CANS LAYING AROUND. THE GUYS HAVE NOW BEEN DRINKING FOR SEVERAL HOURS. THEY ARE NOW ALL AT VARIED STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS, INCREDIBLY HYDE SEEMS TO BE THE MOST DRUNK. FEZ AND KELSO ARE PLAYING CARDS ON THE COUCH. HYDE IS PACING BEHIND THE COUCH DRINKING A BEER. ERIC IS SITTING ON THE LAWN CHAIR, STUDYING THE ROOM INTENTLY. "LONG TRAIN RUNNIN'" BY THE DOOBIE BROTHERS IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

KELSO SLAMS DOWN HIS HAND OF CARDS ON THE TABLE.

KELSO:

Ha! I win again! (Indicating a beer in front of Fez) Drink Fez!

FEZ:

(sadly) Oh luck, you are no lady tonight. Tonight you are a dirty, dirty whore.

FEZ CRACKS OPEN THE BEER AND STARTS SLAMMING IT DOWN. HYDE COMES OVER TO CHECK OUT THE CARDS.

HYDE:

(pointing to the cards) Fez, he's got six aces man.

FEZ:

(not realizing what's wrong) I know ( to Kelso) lucky son of a bitch!

HYDE JUST SHAKES HIS HEAD AND GOES BACK TO PACING AND DRINKING.

ERIC:

(looking around the room) I wanna redecorate this room like the Mos Eisley Cantina (the bar in Star Wars) Think about how awesome that would be! (stands up and points to the couch) This could be the bar where Obi-wan Kenobi cuts off that guy's arm.

ERIC ACTS OUT THE SCENE. HE'S GETTING REALLY INTO IT AND HE'S REALLY DRUNK WHICH MAKES HIM LOOK EVER MORE RIDICULOUS.

ERIC: (cont')

This (walking over to the record player area) could be the booth were Han Solo kills Greedo the bounty hunter.

AGAIN HE ACTS OUT THE SCENE, VERY DRAMATICALLY. PRETENDS TO SIT AND PUTS ON HIS BEST "HAN SOLO" FACE HE FIRES HIS MAKE BELIEVE BLASTER. THEN HE RUNS OVER TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE IMAGINARY TABLE AND , PRETENDING TO BE GREEDO, HE SLUMPS OVER LIKE HE'S JUST BEEN SHOT. BY NOW KELSO AND FEZ HAVE STOPPED PLAYING CARDS AND ARE STARING AT ERIC. EVEN HYDE HAS STOPPED PACING TO WATCH ERIC'S PERFORMANCE.

ERIC:

And this, (he walks over to the deep freeze) could be where Threepio and R2 are kicked out. (quoting the movie) "We don't serve their kind." And this (indicating the washer and dryer) could be (he stops and looks sheepishly at the others) well, this part isn't exactly in the movie. But this (pointing) could be Luke and Leia's secret make-out spot.

KELSO:

(to Eric) No way, man. (he smiles) I'm telling you Leia wants to DO IT with Han!

ERIC:

(yells, his voice cracking) I told you to stop saying that!

ERIC GOES AND SITS BACK DOWN IN THE LAWN CHAIR, DEJECTED, HIS FANTASY RUINED. FEZ AND KELSO GO BACK TO PLAYING CARDS

KELSO:

(to Hyde) Beer me, Hyde!

HYDE GRABS A BEER FROM THE SHOWER AND TOSSES IT TO KELSO THEN HYDE GRABS ONE FOR HIMSELF AND CRACKS IT OPEN

KELSO:(cont')

You're going down, Fez! These cards are loving me tonight.

AS FEZ DEALS WE SEE KELSO REACHING UNDER THE COUCH AND ADDING CARDS TO HIS HAND. HYDE GOES BACK TO PACING AND DRINKING. ERIC STARTS WATCHING HYDE PACE BACK AND FORTH. IT LOOKS LIKE ERIC'S WATCHING A TENNIS MATCH. HE STARTS TO LOOK A LITTLE DIZZY.

ERIC:

Hyde, you've gotta stand still. You don't look good. (Eric gets up and goes to the shower for a beer) Did you catch Jackie playing Barry Manilow in the El Camino again?

HYDE:

(shaking his head) No man, worse.

THEY ALL TURN AND LOOK AT HYDE WONDERING WHAT COULD BE WORSE THAN BARRY MANILOW. HYDE TAKES A BIG DRINK OF HIS BEER.

HYDE:(cont')

This morning, (pauses, like he can't believe what he's about to say) I mentioned marriage in front of Jackie.

KELSO:(at the same time) What the hell?

FEZ:(at the same time) Are you crazy?

ERIC:(at the same time) What were you thinking?

HYDE THROWS HIS HANDS UP IN THE AIR SPILLING BEER.

HYDE:

(shaking his head) It just slipped out, man, we were about to do it. I wasn't thinking

KELSO:

Man, chicks should know anything you say before you do it doesn't count like- ( pauses) "Of course I'll call you" or "I'm not going to tell anyone" or-

FEZ:

(interrupting him)"Please don't laugh at me."

THEY ALL JUST STARE AT HIM

ERIC:

Fez, that's just sad, man.

FEZ:

What, I thought we were sharing our pillow talk.

HYDE:

The thing is, (he can't seem to say it) what if a part of me deep down, (pauses) deep, deep, deep down meant it.

THEY ALL STARE AT HIM NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING AND FOR A MINUTE HYDE THINKS EVERYTHING COOL. THEN THEY ALL THROW BEER CANS AT HIM. HYDE WALKS OVER TO HIS CHAIR.

HYDE:(cont')

(taking a drink) You know, Jackie's got a lot of good qualities.

ERIC:

Yeah, like the fact that she's not here right now. That's good.

KELSO:

No man, he's right. Jackie's got a really hot little bod.

HYDE IMMEDIATELY GETS UP AND FROGS KELSO - HARD.

KELSO:

OW! DAMN HYDE! (yells rubbing his arm) I was trying to help you point out Jackie's good qualities. And let's face it, those (indicating his chest) are her two best qualities.

AGAIN HYDE STANDS UP AND FROGS HIM.

KELSO:

OW!

HYDE:

(threatening tone to Eric and Fez) Anybody else wanna talk about Jackie's good qualities?

FEZ AND ERIC PUT UP THEIR HANDS

FEZ: (at the same time) No, thank you.

ERIC: (at the same time) I'm good.

HYDE:

Look, I've been thinking about this for a while now. I just don't like Jackie forcing me to think about it.

ERIC:

Hyde, (seriously) you know what you need, (pauses like he's going to say something profound) another beer!

ERIC GETS UP FROM THE LAWN CHAIR AND GRABS A COUPLE MORE BEERS THROWING ONE TO HYDE.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. DONNA'S BEDROOM THAT EVENING. DONNA AND JACKIE ARE LAYING ON DONNA'S BED. JACKIE IS STILL GRINNING FROM EAR TO EAR.

JACKIE:

I'm telling you, Donna, Steven is this close (indicates a tiny bit of space with her fingers) to proposing.

DONNA:

Don't go all psycho, Jackie. You're gonna make Hyde crazy.

JACKIE:

(in her own little world) I wonder where he'll do it? (a sigh and she's off to her fantasy)

FANTASY SEQUENCE:

IN ALL OF THE SCENES HYDE LOOKS INCREDIBLY CHEESY AND IS DOWN ON ONE KNEE HOLDING A JEWELRY BOX IN HIS OUTSTRETCHED HAND. JACKIE IS IN A VERY MELODRAMATIC SOAP OPERA -LIKE POSE. ALL THE SCENES ARE A MONTAGE WITH THE BARRY MANILOW SONG, "LOOKS LIKE WE MADE IT" PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

HYDE PROPOSING ON A HOT AIR BALLOON

HYDE PROPOSING ON A FOOTBALL FIELD WITH THE POINT PLACE CHEERLEADERS HOLDING UP LETTERS THAT SPELL OUT, "WILL YOU MARRY ME M'LADY" IN THE BACKGROUND.

HYDE PROPOSING ON FANTASY ISLAND.

HYDE PROPOSING AT A DISCO.

HYDE PROPOSING ON A ROW BOAT ON A LAKE.

HYDE PROPOSING IN A FIELD OF FLOWERS.

HYDE PROPOSING ON THE LOVE BOAT.

HYDE PROPOSING DRESSED UP LIKE RHETT BUTLER AND JACKIE LIKE SCARLETT O'HARA.

END FANTASY SEQUENCE.

DONNA:

Jackie, (looks at her like she's crazy) Hyde is not going to do any of those things. I'm telling you, Jackie, just leave it alone. Hyde's never going to propose if he feels like you're forcing him to.

JACKIE:

(irritated because she knows Donna's right) Oh, you're just crabby because Eric proposed to you on the stupid water tower.

DONNA:

Ok, Jackie, try to get this through your very tiny head. It doesn't matter where the guy proposes. It's not about that. It's about two people in love, deciding to spend the rest of their lives together.

JACKIE:

(hand on her heart) Oh Donna.

JACKIE HUGS DONNA AND THEN PUSHES HER AWAY LOOKING STUNNED

JACKIE:(cont')

Oh my God, you're right. (can't believe what she's saying) I don't care where Steven proposes. It's not important.

DONNA:

(smiling) I'm proud of you, Jackie! (puts her arm around Jackie) you're coming along nicely.

JACKIE PUTS HER HEAD ON DONNA'S SHOULDER.

JACKIE:

(very proud of herself) It doesn't matter where Steven proposes. (pauses and smiles even bigger) As long as the ring is huge!

DONNA ROLLS HER EYES AND PLAYFULLY HITS JACKIE WITH A PILLOW.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN'S BASEMENT SEVERAL HOURS LATER. EVEN MORE BEER CANS LITTER THE BASEMENT. THE GUYS ARE REALLY DRUNK. HYDE IS SLUMPED OVER IN HIS CHAIR. ERIC IS IN THE LAWN CHAIR MAKING A PYRAMID WITH BEER CANS. FEZ AND KELSO ARE STILL PLAYING CARDS. ONLY NOW FEZ IS WEARING A HUGE SOMBRERO AND HE HAS A HANDLEBAR MOUSTACHE DRAWN ON HIS FACE. "US AND THEM" BY PINK FLOYD IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

KELSO:

(slams down his cards) Read 'em and weep, Fez! That's 22 times in a row I win! (excited) Now I get to add the beard.

KELSO HAS A HUGE GRIN AND FEZ LOOKS PISSED. KELSO GRABS A MARKER OFF THE TABLE.

FEZ:

Oh, my shame is great.

HYDE FINALLY CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE.

HYDE:

(yells at Fez) HE'S CHEATING YOU MORON!

FEZ GIVES AN EMBARRASSED SMILE. HYDE LOOKS EXTREMELY FED UP.

HYDE:(cont')

What the hell am I doing here?

FEZ:

(sympathetically) Oh Hyde, you are so drunk you have forgotten you are drinking.

HYDE:

No, I mean seriously, what am I doing here, man? Somewhere out there is a tiny, bossy, shrill, loud- mouthed... (trails off) where was I going with this? (pauses for a moment) Oh yeah, somewhere out there is a tiny, bossy, shrill, loud- mouthed, HOT girl that loves me. (pauses and smiles like he's remembering something) Who, incidentally, looks really fine in a wedding dress.

FEZ:

Oh, but Hyde, we love you too.

ERIC:

Yes, only it's a different kind of love because we're not going to let him touch our naughty parts.

HYDE:

(starts talking faster) She loves me and she wants to marry me, man. And I mean what are the chances of that ever happening again?

KELSO: (at the same time) None.

ERIC: (at the same time) Zero.

FEZ:

(holding up a bag of M&Ms) This bag of candy has a better chance of lasting until tomorrow. (a beat then he begins devouring the m&ms)

ERIC:

Wait, Hyde, are you saying you're gonna ask Jackie to marry you?

KELSO:

Yeah, hold on, Hyde, think before you answer this one. You wanna spend the rest of your life with Jackie? I mean it would be ok if you could just poke out your ear drums, but I'm pretty sure that would hurt!

ERIC:

Hyde, are you ready to hear this everyday? (in a high-pitched "Jackie" voice) "Steven, take me shopping. Steven, help me rearrange my unicorns"

KELSO:

(also doing a "Jackie" voice) "Steven, I need money. Steven, wear a tie."

FEZ:

(interrupts, also doing a "Jackie voice") "Steven, stop letting Fez watch us do it."

THEY ALL STARE AT FEZ.

FEZ:(cont')

(looks guilty) Too far?

HYDE:

OK, here's what else I get to hear, (doing his own Jackie voice) "Steven, you're so hot and sexy. Steven, I'm naked. Steven, I lo...(pauses, he can't say it, he looks very serious)

THEY ALL STARE AT HYDE. WHO JUST SITS THERE WITH HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS. THEN HE STANDS UP SUDDENLY.

HYDE:(cont')

Dammit, I'm doing it. I'm gonna propose to Jackie.

EVERYONE WAITS WATCHING HIM, BUT HE DOESN'T MOVE

HYDE:(cont')

(flatly)I seem to be temporarily paralyzed.

A HAND APPEARS GIVING HIM A BEER. HE CRACKS IT OPEN, SLAMS IT DOWN AND SMASHES THE CAN ON HIS HEAD.

HYDE:(cont')

(zen)OK, now I'm ready.

HYDE STRIDES OUT THE DOWNSTAIRS DOOR. THE THREE REMAINING GUYS ARE STILL SEATED, SPEECHLESS. THEY'RE STARING AT EACH OTHER.

ERIC:

Gentleman, we lost a good man today. A brave solider. He put up a good fight, but in the end, the enemy was just too strong.

THEY EACH REACH FOR A BEER

ERIC:

(raising his beer) To Steven Hyde!

CUT TO OVERHEAD SHOT

ALL GUYS:

(raising their beers and looking up) To Steven Hyde!

THEY ALL DRINK. CUT BACK TO NORMAL CAMERA ANGLE

ERIC:

Poor bastard.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

EXT. WOODS NIGHTTIME. THE SAME SPOT WHERE HYDE AND JACKIE HAD THEIR FIRST DATE YEARS AGO. THE CAMINO IS PARKED WITH THE DOORS OPEN AND THE SONG "COUNT ON ME" BY JEFFERSON AIRPLANE PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. HYDE DRAGS JACKIE BY THE HAND OUT OF THE CAR.

JACKIE:

Steven, slow down. (she realizes where they are) What... Steven, what are we doing here? (gets an irritated look) I am not doing it in the woods again.

HYDE:

(turns to face her) Do you remember the first time we came here, on our first date?

JACKIE:

Yeah.

HYDE:

Well, I wanted to bring you here to tell you something.

JACKIE'S EYES GET REALLY WIDE AND SHE HAS A HUGE SMILE ON HER FACE.

JACKIE:

Don't you mean ask me something?

HYDE:

No, I mean tell you something. (pauses) I lied, Jackie.

JACKIE'S SMILE IS GONE AND SHE LOOKS REALLY CONFUSED.

JACKIE:

What? Steven, I don't understand.

HYDE:

I lied. Right here. Years ago, on our first date, I lied.

JACKIE:

What are you talking about?

HYDE:

Remember when we kissed and you said you didn't feel anything and you asked me if I did?

JACKIE:

Yeah, and you said you didn't feel anything either.

HYDE:

(taking her hands) I lied, Jackie. I did feel something. I just couldn't tell you.

JACKIE:

(lets go of his hands) What?

HYDE:

(talking fast) You said you didn't feel anything. I thought I had no chance with you. I thought we had nothing in common. I didn't want to feel anything. So I lied. (looks at her anxiously , waiting for her reaction)

JACKIE:

Steven, why? You let me go back to Michael. (getting angry) I can't believe you didn't tell me. (starts pacing back and forth) All the time we wasted. And to think (now she's really angry) I thought you brought me out here to propose. Instead you tell me you lied. You lied, Steven!

SHE KICKS HIM IN THE KNEE. HYDE GRABS HIS KNEE AND GOES DOWN ON IT ON THE GROUND IN PAIN.

JACKIE:

(bending down to see if he's ok) Oh my gosh, Steven I'm so sorry.

HYDE:

(through clenched teeth) No, it's ok. It's perfect actually.

AFTER A BEAT HE STRAIGHTENS UP AND HOLDS OUT HIS HAND. THERE IS A RING IN IT AND HE'S CONVENIENTLY DOWN ON ONE KNEE. HE DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING. HE JUST HOLDS OUT THE RING.

JACKIE:

Oh my God, Steven

SHE IS STUNNED SHE COVERS HER MOUTH WITH HER HAND AND SHE STARTS CRYING.

HYDE:

Marry me, Jackie.

JACKIE:

(she nods and says quietly) Yes.

HYDE PUTS THE RING ON HER FINGER AND THEN STANDS UP. HE TAKES HER FACE IN HIS HANDS AND KISSES HER. AFTER A FEW SECONDS JACKIE OPENS HER EYES AND STARTS TWISTING IN HIS GRASP AND SHE'S HOLDING UP HER LEFT HAND IN THE AIR TRYING TO LOOK AT HER RING. HYDE BREAKS AWAY, LAUGHING.

HYDE:

Jackie, do you want to look at the ring?

JACKIE:

(very relieved) YES! Oh my God, I'm dying!

SHE BRINGS HER HAND TO HER FACE AND HER EYES GO VERY WIDE. WE CAN TELL FROM HER REACTION SHE LOVES IT. SHE JUMPS ON HYDE KISSING HIM. SHE JUMPS SO HARD SHE THEY BOTH FALL ON THE GROUND.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

INT. FORMAN'S BASEMENT THE NEXT MORNING. THERE ARE EMPTY BEER CANS ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE. FEZ IS PASSED OUT ON THE COUCH COVERED IN BEER CANS WITH THE SOMBRERO OVER HIS FACE. KELSO IS PASSED OUT FACE DOWN ON THE WASHER AND DRYER WITH HIS ARM DANGLING OVER THE SIDE. ERIC IS PASSED OUT CURLED UP ON THE TABLE. WE SEE KITTY COME DOWN THE STAIRS CARRYING A BOX FILLED WITH KITCHEN ITEMS. RED FOLLOWS HER CARRYING HIS TOOLS AND SOME BOARDS. THEY STOOP AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS WHEN THE SEE THE SCENE IN THE BASEMENT. RED IS FUMING. KITTY LOOKS LIKE SHE'S GOING TO CRY.

RED:

(yelling) ERIC!

ERIC BOLTS UPRIGHT ON THE COFFEE TABLE. HE LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM WITH HIS EYES ONLY HALF OPEN, HE SEES RED.

ERIC:

(still sounds drunk) Shower's empty.

HE IMMEDIATELY PASSES OUT AGAIN, FALLING FACE FIRST BACK ON THE TABLE.

END EPISODE

Up next...

"Get it Right the First Time"

Hyde gets in big trouble with Jackie for forgetting one minor detail about their engagement.


	2. Get It Right The First Time

"Get it Right the First Time"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Billy Joel.

I don't own anything so don't sue. I'm just trying to fix the disaster that was season 8. The episode takes place towards the end of the seventh season. The previous chapter would be episode 7-22, this chapter would be episode 7-23.

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. HYDE'S BEDROOM THE MORNING AFTER JACKIE AND HYDE'S ENGAGEMENT. JACKIE AND HYDE ARE SLEEPING ON THE COT. HE IS BEHIND HER WITH HIS ARM AROUND HER.

JACKIE'S EYES POP OPEN AND SHE SITS UP AND VERY SLOWLY RAISES HER LEFT HAND TO HER FACE.

JACKIE:

(looking at her ring, relieved) Oh thank God it wasn't another dream!

SHE'S NOW WIDE AWAKE AND VERY EXCITED. SHE STARTS BOUNCING UP AND DOWN ON THE COT.

JACKIE:(cont')

(in a sing-song voice) Steven, wake up!

HYDE:

(covering his head with his hands) Jackie, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm not in the mood.

JACKIE:

(playfully hits him) No silly, let's go tell Mr. and Mrs. Forman. (bouncing faster) Get up, get up, get up! (like she's doing a cheer)

HYDE SITS UP AND HE LOOKS TERRIBLE

HYDE:

Tell them what?

JACKIE PLAYFULLY HITS HIM AGAIN

JACKIE:

Steven, you're so funny. (kisses him) Come on.

JACKIE STANDS UP AND HYDE LAYS BACK DOWN, GRABS HIS SUNGLASSES OFF THE NIGHT STAND AND PUTS THEM ON.

HYDE:

Jackie, I don't know why you're so excited about a foot in the ass. 'Cause that's all you're gonna get when Red finds out you're here.

JACKIE PLAYFULLY HITS HIM AGAIN. HYDE SITS UP, PISSED.

HYDE:(cont')

Stop hitting me! Jackie, I'm really don't need this right now. I've got a killer headache.

JACKIE SITS DOWN NEXT TO HIM AND LACES HER ARM THROUGH HIS

JACKIE:

(sweetly) But Steven, this is the morning after the best night of my life. I have to tell someone.

HYDE:

Jackie, although I appreciate the compliment, judging by how much I had to drink last night I'm pretty sure my performance was not something you want to brag about.

JACKIE:

(confused) Steven, what are you talking about?

HYDE:

(hesitates, sensing trouble) What are you talking about?

JACKIE IS SLOWLY REALIZING WHAT'S GOING ON AND SHE DOES NOT LOOK PLEASED.

JACKIE:

(slowly) What did you do last night, Steven? Does this have something to do with the three idiots passed out in the next room?

HYDE IS STARTING TO LOOK NERVOUS. HE KNOWS SOMETHING'S UP.

HYDE:

(cautiously) Well (pausing) last night we sort of drank our weight in beer. (small smile) Actually, I think I drank my weight plus Forman's weight.

JACKIE:

(starting to get angry) Yes, and then what?

HYDE LOOKS AT JACKIE, SEARCHING FOR THE RIGHT ANSWER

HYDE:

And then my incredibly hot girlfriend snuck in and took advantage of me?

JACKIE HITS HIM HARD AND THEN JUMPS OFF THE BED.

JACKIE:

(yelling) No, Steven!

HYDE:

Yeah, I didn't think that was the right answer.

HYDE GETS UP OFF THE BED AND TRIES TO HOLD JACKIE'S HAND. SHE PULLS IT AWAY.

HYDE:(cont')

Jackie, look I'm sorry. I don't know what you want me to say. I drank a lot last night. The last thing I remember saying is, (beat) "who wants to drink tonight?"

JACKIE:

(furious) I cannot believe you forgot the most important night of our lives.

HYDE:

What are you talking about?

JACKIE:

This!

SHE STICKS HER LEFT HAND IN FRONT OF HIS FACE. HE GRABS IT AND LOOKS AT IT.

HYDE:

(confused) We robbed a jewelry store last night?

JACKIE SMACKS HIM RIGHT IN THE FOREHEAD WITH THE HAND HE'S LOOKING AT.

JACKIE:

(really pissed) NO! You proposed to me you idiot! You said you wanted to marry me, you got down on one knee. What you should've said was, "I want to marry beer and I'm down on one knee because I'm too drunk to stand up."

JACKIE STARTS TO LEAVE AND HYDE GRABS HER WRIST STOPPING HER. BUT HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT TO SAY TO HER.

HYDE:

Jackie, wait, (very un-zen) I said it right? You've got the ring right? That's what you wanted. So what if I can't remember it. (pauses and smiles) Details, baby, details.

JACKIE STORMS OUT AND HYDE SITS DOWN ON THE COT WITH HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS.

HYDE:

Wow, I didn't get sex, I've got a splitting headache and Jackie's furious at me. (lays down) Feels like we're married already.

HE SITS BACK UP AND EXITS.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN. RED AND KITTY ARE SEATED HAVING BREAKFAST. JACKIE STORMS IN FROM DOWNSTAIRS.

KITTY:

Jackie, what are you doing here?

RED:

Dammit, I told you kids no more sleep overs!

HYDE RUNS INTO THE ROOM

HYDE:

Jackie, wait-

JACKIE:

(still fuming) No, it's ok, Steven, I'll tell them the good news. (To Red and Kitty) Steven proposed to me last night.

JACKIE HOLDS UP HER LEFT HAND TO SHOW THEM. KITTY JUMPS UP CLAPPING AND LAUGHING. SHE HUGS JACKIE AND THEN HUGS HYDE.

KITTY:

Oh, my little Steven. Tell me all the details.

JACKIE:

(to Hyde) Go ahead, Steven, tell her all the details.

EVERYONE IS STARING AT HYDE, WHO IS UNCOMFORTABLY SMILING LIKE AN IDIOT.

JACKIE:(CONT')

(yells) He doesn't remember the details! In fact, Jose Cuervo here doesn't even remember proposing.

JACKIE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S GOING TO KILL HYDE. KITTY LOOKS INCREDIBLY SAD AND RED STARTS LAUGHING AN "I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT AN IDIOT YOU ARE" LAUGH. RED RISES AND CROSSES TO HYDE.

RED:

You know, Steven, usually it takes years of marriage to be in this much trouble. (pats him on the back) Congratulations, (pauses) you're gifted.

RED HEADS BACK TO THE TABLE AND SITS DOWN. ERIC STUMBLES IN THROUGH THE KITCHEN DOOR. HE LOOKS TERRIBLE.

ERIC:

Oh look, it's the happy soon- to- be- newlyweds.

HYDE JUST HANGS HIS HEAD. THINGS ARE GETTING WORSE.

JACKIE:

(even more angry now) Eric remembers and you don't?

ERIC:

(laughing at Hyde) You forgot you proposed? Oh man, the rest of your life is gonna be more miserable than it already was.

JACKIE:

(to Hyde) How come Eric remembers last night and you don't?

ERIC:

(to Jackie) Well, to be fair, he did drink a lot more than me. (pausing for emphasis) A lot more

HYDE:

Yeah, I was really drunk. (says it like that should explain things)

RED:

Keep digging dumbass!

JACKIE:

(looks so sad) So what are you saying? You only proposed to me because you were incredibly drunk?

HYDE:

(taking her hands and very sincere) No, Jackie. (pauses has no idea what he can say) Look, I have so few brain cells left, drunk, sober, there's not that much difference anymore.

HE LOOKS AT HER, SMILES WEAKLY AND RAISES HIS EYEBROWS WONDERING IF HIS JOKE DID THE TRICK. IT DOESN'T. JACKIE DROPS HIS HANDS AND STORMS OUT THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR. THE ROOM IS UNCOMFORTABLY SILENT. NOBODY IS SURE WHAT TO SAY, KITTY FINALLY STEPS FORWARD.

KITTY:

Well, I hope you boys can finally see drinking brings you nothing but trouble. (pauses) Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to go make myself a Bloody Mary and go back to bed.

KITTY EXITS TO THE LIVING ROOM.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT THAT AFTERNOON. HYDE IS SLUMPED ON HIS CHAIR. KELSO, ERIC AND FEZ ARE ON THE COUCH. THEY ARE WATCHING TV. THE DOOR SWINGS OPEN AND DONNA ENTERS, SHE LOOKS INCREDIBLY PISSED. NO ONE MOVES, DONNA JUST GLARES AT HYDE. VERY SLOWLY SHE CROSSES OVER TO HIS CHAIR.

DONNA:

(calmly to Hyde) How's your head?

HYDE:

It's hurts like hell.

DONNA:

(sincerely) Sorry.

HYDE:

Thank you.

DONNA:

You're welcome.

DONNA SMACKS HYDE UPSIDE THE HEAD- HARD.

HYDE:

(rubbing his head) Ow!

THE OTHER GUYS ARE LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY AT HYDE. DONNA WALKS BEHIND THE COUCH AND GOES DOWN THE LINE SMACKING EACH ONE OF THEM IN THE HEAD.

KELSO:

(holding his head and yelling) DAMN DONNA! What was that for?

DONNA:

(furiously pointing at all three guys on the couch) Because, I'm feeling really violent right now! So if you know what's good for you, you'll sit there, shut up and watch me kick Hyde's ass!

KELSO:

(whispers to Eric) I like that plan.

DONNA:

(to Hyde) Jackie is over at my house right now crying her eyes out. My dad says he's never seen anyone cry so much. (pause) And he cries everyday.

HYDE:

Look, Donna, (very sincerely) I'm sorry about what happened. I really am. I know how important this all was to Jackie. (his tone changes and he gets defensive) But Jackie's been bugging me for years to propose to her, so I finally did. What more does she want from me?

THE GUYS SCOOT ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE OTHER END OF THE COUCH, AS FAR AWAY FROM HYDE AS POSSIBLE

DONNA:

(yelling) She wanted you to remember it, DILLHOLE!

SHE PICKS UP A FOOTBALL OFF THE TABLE AND WHIPS IT AT HYDE'S HEAD.

FEZ:

(whispers to the other two) It's like watching a dirty movie.

HYDE:

(holding his head) Well, what the hell am I supposed to do about it?

DONNA:

I don't know, but you better find a way to fix it. Because if Jackie doesn't stop crying soon my dad's gonna start crying too!

SHE TURNS TO LEAVE BUT THEN STOPS AND TURNS BACK TO FACE HYDE.

DONNA:(cont')

I could literally drown in a sea of tears!

DONNA STORMS OUT AND SLAMS THE DOOR. EVERYONE IS AFRAID TO MOVE FOR FEAR SHE MIGHT COME BACK.

ERIC:

Wow, I've never seen Donna so pissed before. (pauses) She was so hot!

HYDE GETS UP OFF HIS CHAIR AND GOES OVER TO LEAN AGAINST THE WASHING MACHINE.

HYDE:

Man, I really messed up. This is bad, this is really bad.

HYDE KICKS HIS CHAIR OVER. NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING

KELSO:

Boy, I'm lucky. When Jackie wanted to marry me she just sort of proposed to herself. We didn't have any of these problems. (laughing) 'Cause it's pretty hard to forget proposing to yourself.

HYDE LOOKS MISERABLE. ERIC GETS UP FROM THE COUCH AND GETS THE STUPID HELMET. HE CROSSES OVER TO HYDE AND PUTS IT ON HIM.

ERIC:

Maybe this will help, buddy. (pats him on the helmet) Well, I'm gonna go try to get Donna to have angry sex with me.

ERIC EXITS. HYDE STANDS HIS CHAIR BACK UP AND SITS DOWN IN IT. FEZ AND KELSO LOOK VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

FEZ:

(smiling) Hyde, you look really nice in the helmet.

HYDE GRABS A MAGAZINE AND THROWS IT AT HIM.

ENDS SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

EXT. FORMAN GARAGE A FEW HOURS LATER. RED AND BOB ARE HAVING A BEER AND HYDE WALKS IN.

RED:

Look, here comes the King of the Dumbasses. All hail the King.

HYDE:

Red, can I talk to you?

BOB:

(sets down his beer) You'll have to excuse me, Red. (sniffles like he's going to cry) Steven, I just can't look at you right now.

BOB SNIFFLES AGAIN AND WALKS OUT

RED:

(to Hyde) You know, Steven, every morning I wake up and I think, "today might be a good day, the boys can't possibly get any stupider." And you know what? Every day you dumbasses manage to prove me wrong.

HYDE:

Ok, so what am I supposed to do? How do I fix this?

RED:

(smiling) You poor bastard. There's no fixing this one. Ever. You'll be paying for this for the rest of your life. (pauses) The rest of your miserable, miserable life.

HYDE NOW LOOKS EVEN MORE DEPRESSED

RED:(cont')

Every time she does something wrong, every time you have a fight, she'll bring this up. She'll crash your car and you know what she'll say? "You don't remember proposing." She'll burn down your house with her hot rollers and you know what she'll say? "You don't remember proposing."

HYDE:

Thanks Red, I think I get the idea.

RED:

No, I don't think you do, Steven. I don't think you get the absolute hell that your life is about to become.

RED PATS HYDE ON THE BACK AND SMILES

RED:(cont')

Welcome to marriage son!

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. DONNA'S ROOM THAT NIGHT. DONNA AND JACKIE ARE SITTING ON THE BED IN A SEA OF KLEENEX. JACKIE'S EYES ARE RED AND PUFFY. "OH GIRL" BY THE CHI-LITES IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

JACKIE:

(sniffling) This is absolutely the worst thing Steven has ever done. How can he not remember proposing to me? (angry) You know, if he thinks just because he doesn't remember proposing the engagement doesn't count, he better think again. If he wants this ring back he'll have to pry it off my finger while I'm scratching his eyes out.

JACKIE PAUSES TO LOOK AT HER RING AND ALL OF A SUDDEN SHE'S SMILING. SHE HOLDS UP THE RING FOR DONNA TO SEE.

JACKIE:(cont')

Look at how big it is! It's so much bigger than yours was, Donna.

DONNA:

That's it, Jackie, think happy thoughts. (irritated) Like my small, tiny engagement ring for a wedding that never happened.

JACKIE DOESN'T GET THE SARCASM

JACKIE:

(with a small smile) Oh, Donna, (puts her head on Donna's shoulder) you always know how to cheer me up.

DONNA:

Well, I try. And hey - another happy thought, it's a really big ring, so when you punch him in the head it'll really hurt!

JACKIE SITS UP, SUDDENLY REALIZING SOMETHING.

JACKIE:

Oh my God, Donna! I just thought of something!

DONNA:

What?

JACKIE:

The ring, Donna! (Donna doesn't understand) Don't you get it? It was after midnight last night when Steven proposed to me. But he had the ring.

DONNA STILL DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE'S GETTING AT

JACKIE:

Donna, there are no jewelry stores open that late at night. Believe me, I'd know if there were. Don't you understand what that means?

DONNA:

Hyde broke into a jewelry store last night and stole your ring?

JACKIE:

No you stupid lumberjack, it means he bought the ring before last night. (she's getting excited) And, he was most likely sober when he bought it.

DONNA:

Oh my God, Jackie, you're right. (pauses) Of course, the possibility still exists that he stole it, but the police probably would've caught up with him by now.

JACKIE NODS IN AGREEMENT

DONNA:(cont')

So what does this mean?

JACKIE JUMPS OFF THE BED TO GO CHECK HERSELF OUT IN THE MIRROR. SHE STARTS PUTTING ON SOME MAKEUP

JACKIE:

It means, that I'm going to go see Steven.

JACKIE THROWS DOWN THE MAKEUP, POUTING.

JACKIE:(cont')

Look at me, Donna. I'm a mess!

DONNA CROSSES OVER TO JACKIE AND PUTS HER ARM AROUND HER.

DONNA:

Don't worry, Hyde's not going to look that great either. I'm pretty sure he's gonna have some huge bruises on his head. (smiling, very proud of herself) I got him pretty good.

JACKIE PUTS HER HAND OVER HER HEART, TOUCHED.

JACKIE:

Oh Donna, that was so sweet of you to beat up my boyfriend for me. Now I'm glad my best friend is a giant.

DONNA:

(laughing) Anything for you, midget.

THEY HUG.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT FORMAN KITCHEN A SHORT WHILE LATER. KITTY IS SITTING AT THE TABLE HAVING A CLASS OF WINE. JACKIE ENTERS THROUGH THE LIVING ROOM DOOR FOLLOWED BY DONNA. KITTY STANDS UP AND SUDDENLY LOOKS VERY NERVOUS.

KITTY:

(loudly and slowly like she wants someone outside to hear) OH (pauses) HELLO JACKIE.

JACKIE:

Mrs. Forman, do you know where Steven is? I really need to talk to him.

KITTY:

(loudly and slowly again) STEVEN"S OUTSIDE, (pauses) JACKIE.

JACKIE LOOKS AT HER STRANGELY AND THEN PASSES BY HER AND OPENS THE SLIDING DOOR AND STEPS OUTSIDE. WE SEE A SHOCKED LOOK COME ACROSS HER FACE. THEN WE SEE WHAT SHE SEES. THERE ARE SEVERAL STRANDS OF CHRISTMAS LIGHTS STRUNG FROM THE BASKETBALL HOOP TO THE GARAGE AND FROM THE GARAGE TO THE HOUSE. THE LIGHTS MAKE A CANOPY OVER THE DRIVEWAY. RED, BOB, KELSO, FEZ AND ERIC ARE ALL STANDING IN THE GARAGE. HYDE IS STANDING IN THE DRIVEWAY LEANING AGAINST THE EL CAMINO WEARING A SUIT AND TIE AND NO SUNGLASSES. "TINY DANCER" IS COMING FROM THE CAR RADIO. WE CAN SEE KITTY AND DONNA OVER JACKIE'S SHOULDER. KITTY IS BEAMING AND DONNA HAS HER HAND OVER HER MOUTH, STUNNED. JACKIE WALKS OVER TO HYDE

JACKIE:

Steven, what is all this? Did you do all of this for me?

HYDE:

Actually, I did all of this for me. (takes her hand and smirks at her) I don't want to have to sleep with one eye open for the rest of my life.

JACKIE SMILES AND TEARS START WELLING UP IN HER EYES.

HYDE:

Look Jackie, I wanted to show you I meant it when I proposed to you. (pauses) So, I'm doing it again, in the most public and humiliating way I know how - in front of all of our friends. (He gets an irritated look on his face) Who, by the way, are never gonna let me forget this moment.

ERIC TAKES THIS OPPORTUNITY TO SNEAK UP TO JACKIE AND HYDE AND SNAP A PICTURE.

HYDE:

(sarcastically) Thanks, Forman.

ERIC:

(nods) No problem.

HYDE:

(focusing his attention back to Jackie) I've never been very good at (he hesitates and looks very uncomfortable) expressing my feelings.

ANOTHER FLASH GOES OFF IN THE BACKGROUND AS ERIC TAKES ANOTHER PICTURE. HYDE GRIMACES.

HYDE:(cont')

That's why I just let you tell me what I'm feeling.

JACKIE SMILES, NOW SHE'S REALLY CRYING. HYDE TAKES A DEEP SIGH, WORKING UP HIS COURAGE. HE TAKES BOTH OF HER HANDS AND VERY SLOWLY GOES DOWN ON ONE KNEE. WE SEE DONNA AND KITTY OVER JACKIE'S SHOULDER. BOTH ARE CRYING. CUT TO THE MEN IN THE GARAGE. BOB IS CRYING LIKE A BABY. HE WIPES HIS EYES WITH A HANKIE AND HANDS IT TO FEZ WHO'S STANDING NEXT TO HIM. FEZ CRUMPLES UP THE HANKIE LIKE HE DOESN'T NEED IT. THEN HE LOOKS QUICKLY OUT OF THE CORNERS OF HIS EYE TO BE SURE NO ONE IS WATCHING AND HE DABS HIS EYES. CUT BACK TO JACKIE AND HYDE.

HYDE:(cont')

(struggling to get his words out, but he's very sincere) I love you, Jackie.(gives her a small smile) Will you marry me?

JACKIE:

(sobbing) Yes! Yes, Steven. I'll marry you.

JACKIE STARTS LAUGHING THROUGH HER TEARS. HYDE STANDS UP AND WIPES AWAY TEARS FROM HER FACE AND THEN TAKES HER FACE IN HIS HANDS AND KISSES HER. WHEN THEY STOP KISSING THEY STAND THERE JUST LOOKING AT EACH OTHER LIKE NEITHER ONE IS SURE WHAT TO DO NEXT.

HYDE:

Um Jackie, I'm gonna need to ring back so I can put it on your finger again.

JACKIE:

(laughing) Oh yeah. (starts to take the ring off and then stops and gives Hyde a dirty look) Wait, is this a trick?

HYDE:

Jackie...

JACKIE:

Ok, ok. (Takes her ring off and hands it back to him)

KELSO:

(yells to Hyde from the garage) Run, Hyde, run!

HYDE:

(nodding at Eric) Forman?

ERIC:

(to Hyde) No problem, buddy.

ERIC FROGS KELSO.

KELSO:

(holding his arm) OW! (Yells to Hyde) DAMN HYDE!

JACKIE ROLLS HER EYES. HYDE TAKES HER LEFT HAND AND PUTS THE RING BACK ON HER HAND. THEY KISS. THEY ARE INTERRUPTED BY KITTY'S LAUGHING AND CLAPPING.

KITTY:

Yay!

JACKIE AND HYDE STOP KISSING AND TURN TO SMILE AT KITTY WITH THEIR ARMS STILL WRAPPED AROUND EACH OTHER. CUT TO THE GUYS IN THE GARAGE.

BOB:

(dabbing his eyes) That was just beautiful.

FEZ:

Yes, (sighs) I hope someone proposes to me that way someday.

RED, KELSO AND ERIC ARE STARING AT BOB AND FEZ LIKE THEY ARE CRAZY.

FEZ:(cont')

(angrily looks at all of them) Oh shut up you sons of bitches, you know it was magical!

CUT BACK TO JACKIE AND HYDE. KITTY AND DONNA COME OVER TO HUG JACKIE. CUT TO HYDE LOOKING VERY UNCOMFORTABLE AS HE'S SURROUNDED BY RED, ERIC AND KELSO. HYDE KNOWS WHAT'S COMING.

RED:

(with an evil smile) Congratulations, Steven. Today, you became a man.

KITTY:

(we don't see her, we only hear her angry voice) Red Forman, don't you dare tease Steven or I swear you'll sleep on the couch for a month.

RED:

(frowning, his fun is ruined) See, isn't it great being a man.

CUT TO SHOT OF THE WHOLE DRIVEWAY

KITTY:

(to everyone) Who wants pie?

FEZ:

(with a dreamy, far away look) Oh this night is like a fairytale.

EVERYONE HEADS INSIDE THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR LEAVING HYDE AND JACKIE OUTSIDE ALONE. JACKIE CROSSES OVER TO HYDE WHO IS LEANING AGAINST HIS CAR. SHE WRAPS HER ARMS AROUND HIS WAIST, HE DOES THE SAME TO HER.

JACKIE:

(sweetly) Thank you, Steven.

HYDE:

(smiling slyly) Anything for you, doll.

JACKIE SNUGGLES UP AGAINST HIS SHOULDER AND CLOSES HER EYES.

JACKIE:

That was like a dream.

HYDE:

Yeah, but I bet in your dream the guy proposing wasn't an illegitimate, burnout with a fondness for tee shirts and a criminal record. (he smiles)

JACKIE OPENS HER EYES AND LOOKS UP AT HYDE SHE TAKES HIS FACE IN HER HANDS AND SHE SMILES

JACKIE:

That's exactly who he was. (she kisses him) I love you, Steven.

HYDE:

(zen) Whatever. (he smiles and gets a devilish look in his eyes) Let's go celebrate.

HYDE PICKS UP JACKIE AND THROWS HER OVER HIS SHOULDER AND SLAPS HER ON THE BUTT. SHE SQUEALS AND HE CARRIES HER INTO THE HOUSE.

END SCENE

CREDITS ROLLING

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN THE NEXT MORNING. RED IS SITTING AT THE TABLE READING THE PAPER AND HAVING COFFEE. DONNA AND JACKIE ARE AT THE TABLE EATING BREAKFAST. KITTY IS POURING HERSELF A CUP OF COFFEE. ERIC WALKS IN THROUGH THE LIVING ROOM DOOR FOLLOWED BY FEZ AND KELSO. THEY ALL HAVE HUGE SMILES ON THEIR FACES.

ERIC:

(to everyone at the table) We've worked out a deal with Hyde and we've agreed to never mention last night again.

KITTY:

(to the guys) Well, that's very mature of you boys.

FEZ:

Yes, he just had to agree to do one tiny thing.

THE THREE GUYS TURN TO LOOK AT THE DOOR.

ERIC:

(calling to the door like he's singing) Oh Hyde.

HYDE:

(yells from the living room, but we can't see him) No way, man! I'm not doing it!

ERIC:

(yells back) You have to! It's the only way to realign the planets and make things right again.

A PAUSE AND THEN HYDE ENTERS FROM THE LIVING ROOM. HE'S WEARING ONE OF KITTY'S LONG, FORMAL DRESSES. IT'S GOT A V-NECK SO YOU CAN SEE HIS CHEST HAIR HANGING OUT. ALSO IT'S VERY SMALL ON HIM SO IT LOOKS EVEN MORE RIDICULOUS. HE ALSO HAS HIS SUNGLASSES ON. HE STANDS IN THE KITCHEN WITH HIS ARMS CROSSED, LOOKING REALLY PISSED. EVERYONE BUT KITTY STARTS LAUGHING.

ERIC:

(to Hyde) Say it.

HYDE:

No!

KELSO:

(to Hyde) You have to say it or no deal.

HYDE:

Fine! (he snaps at Kelso, than pauses and says flatly) I'm a girl, I'm a girl, I'm a big, beautiful girl. There, are you happy?

HYDE'S PISSED AND EVERYONE IS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY. FEZ WALKS OVER TO HYDE

FEZ:

(leans over and whispers to Hyde) You look really nice, Hyde.

HYDE FROGS HIM

END EPISODE

UP NEXT...

"Baby I Love Your Way"

Everyone is shocked when they don't like the new "nice" Jackie. Only the return of her nemesis can bring the real Jackie back.


	3. Baby I Love Your Way

"Baby I Love Your Way"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Peter Frampton.

I own nothing. Just trying to fix the disaster that was season 8. This episode is the third in my series. It takes place near the end of season 7. This chapter would be episode 7-24.

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT THE DAY AFTER JACKIE AND HYDE'S SECOND ENGAGEMENT. HYDE IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR WITH JACKIE ON HIS LAP. ERIC, DONNA AND FEZ ARE ON THE COUCH. KELSO IS ON THE LAWN CHAIR. THERE ARE FOUR BEERS SITTING OUT, ONE IN FRONT OF EACH ONE OF THE GUYS. HYDE HAS ONE ARM AROUND JACKIE'S WAIST AND HE IS LOOKING AT HIS WATCH VERY INTENTLY ON HIS OTHER ARM. THE OTHER THREE GUYS ARE STARING AT THE BEERS IN FRONT OF THEM.

HYDE:

(staring at his watch) Wait for it, wait for it... 3,2,1 and (to the guys with a smile) it's noon.

THE GUYS ALL REACH FOR THEIR BEERS, CRACK THEM OPEN AND TAKE A DRINK.

DONNA:

What are you morons doing?

ERIC:

(with mock laughter, shaking his head) Donna, Donna, Donna, drinking before noon is just sad.

DONNA JUST ROLLS HER EYES

ERIC:

So, I'd like to offer up a toast, (lifting his beer) to our good buddy Hyde (pauses and then yells) THERE'S STILL TIME TO CHANGE YOUR MIND!

DONNA, KELSO AND FEZ LAUGH. EVEN HYDE CRACKS A LITTLE SMILE. EVERYONE LOOKS AT JACKIE FOR HER REACTION. SHE JUST SMILES SWEETLY.

ERIC:

No, seriously though, man, it's too bad you don't wear shorts.

HYDE:

Oh yeah, why's that?

ERIC:

Because it's really hot in hell.(points at Hyde) BURN!

DONNA:

Wow Eric, a burn about being hot. I think you just invented the ironic burn.

KELSO:

(to Hyde) Yeah congratulations, Hyde. (sarcastically) You have so much to look forward to. Like (pauses like he's thinking) shopping, oh no wait you don't like that. How about roller disco, oh no I guess you don't like that either. How about death? Now that's something you can look forward to!

AGAIN, EVERYBODY LAUGHS. JACKIE'S STILL SMILING.

DONNA:

Jackie, are you feeling ok.

ERIC:

Yeah Jackie, it's no fun unless everybody plays.

JACKIE:

I'm fine, you guys. (to everyone) Do you guys want popsicles?

SHE DOESN'T WAIT FOR A RESPONSE, SHE JUST GOES TO THE DEEP FREEZE AND GRABS EVERYONE A POPSICLE AND HANDS THEM OUT. THEN SHE SITS BACK ON HYDE'S LAP AND GIVES HIM A KISS. EVERYONE IS STARING AT HER STUNNED. HYDE PUTS HIS HAND ON HER FOREHEAD LIKE HE'S TAKING HER TEMPERATURE. SHE PLAYFULLY SLAPS IT AWAY.

JACKIE:

Steven, you're so silly. (a beat) Do you want another beer, baby?

EVERYONE JUST STARES AT JACKIE. ERIC LETS OUT A WEIRD, EVIL SOUNDING LAUGH.

ERIC:

Ding dong the witch is dead! Good has triumphed over evil. Now I know how Luke Skywalker felt when he blew up the Death Star.

JACKIE:

(smiling at Eric) Oh Eric, you and your Star Wars jokes.

DONNA:

(hopping up and down on the couch) Ooh, I wanna try, I wanna try! (turns to face Jackie) Jackie, the Captain and Tenille suck.

DONNA WAITS, BUT NO REACTION FROM JACKIE.

DONNA:(cont')

(to Jackie) Look at my feet, Jackie (holding up her foot) have you ever seen feet this big in your life?

JACKIE:

Oh Donna, your feet aren't really that big. I think the problem is my feet are too small.

DONNA LOOKS SAD. JACKIE TURNS TO HYDE.

JACKIE:(cont')

Steven, it's such a nice, warm spring day. I brought my bikini, do you want me to wash your car?

HYDE LOOKS ABSOLUTELY SHOCKED AND THEN REALLY EXCITED.

HYDE:

(a beat) Hell yes!

HYDE PICKS UP JACKIE AND CARRIES HER INTO HIS ROOM.. EVERYONE JUST SITS THERE LOOKING DUMBFOUNDED.

DONNA:

(puzzled) Huh.

ERIC:

Yeah, I know what you mean. It's not any fun when she just lays down and dies.

FEZ:

(excited) Come on, Kelso, I bet she won't get mad if we spy on her while she's changing.

FEZ AND KELSO RUN BACK TO HYDE'S ROOM

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT THE HUB. JACKIE IS SITTING BY HERSELF, STUFFING HER FACE WITH FRIES. DONNA AND ERIC COME IN AND SEE HER. THEY SIT DOWN AND JOIN HER. "LOTTA LOVE" BY NICOLETTE LARSON PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND ON THE JUKEBOX.

DONNA:

Jackie, what are you doing here?

ERIC:

(watching Jackie pig out) Apparently, she's trying to fill the spot where her soul should be, with french fries.

JACKIE FINISHES CHEWING AND THEN SHE LEANS IN TO TALK TO DONNA AND ERIC

JACKIE:

You guys, I have a problem. But you can't tell Steven. (looks around to see if anyone is listening) I can't be mean anymore.

DONNA:

What are you talking about? Of course you can, it's just what you do.

JACKIE:

(shaking her head, looks sad) No, not anymore. I made a deal.

ERIC:

(excited, points at Jackie) I knew it! You sold your soul to the devil in exchange for some magical potion to use on Hyde.

DONNA ROLLS HER EYES AND TURNS TO ERIC

DONNA:

Ok, Eric, for the last time. Jackie is not a servant of Satan.

JACKIE DOESN'T EVEN PAY ATTENTION TO THEM SHE JUST KEEPS TALKING

JACKIE:

I made a deal with God. I promised Him that if He would make Steven propose to me, I'd never be mean to anyone again. And just to show Him how serious I was, I promised that if I was mean God could make all of my hair fall out and give me zits.

ERIC:

(stifling laughter) Well in that case you better not go back on your word. Because I'm pretty sure Hyde won't marry you if you're bald and all splotchy looking.

DONNA HITS HIM.

DONNA:

Jackie, that's crazy. Hyde proposed to you because he wants to marry you, not because God made him.

ERIC:

(under his breath) We'll never really know for sure will we?

DONNA:

Shut up, Eric. (to Jackie) And anyways, you're not even religious.

JACKIE:

Oh no, you're wrong, Donna. When I want something and I can't buy it, I go straight to God. How do you think I became head cheerleader.

DONNA:

You know, (pauses and looks seriously at Jackie) you might actually like being nice. Some people live their whole lives trying to be nice to other people.

JACKIE:

Because they don't know how much better it is to be mean to people.(indicating herself sadly) I know. Think of it this way, ( to Eric) Eric, what if you actually could use the force and then one day, you woke up and you couldn't.

ERIC LOOKS HORRIFIED, THEN SAD AND THEN HE HUGS JACKIE

ERIC:

Oh Jackie, your life must be a living hell!

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

EXT FORMAN DRIVEWAY LATER THAT DAY. HYDE IS PLAYING BASKETBALL BY HIMSELF. HE MAKES A BASKET AND THEN HOLDS ONTO THE BALL. HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S DEPRESSED. HE SITS DOWN ON THE ROOF OF THE VISTA CRUISER THAT'S PARKED IN THE DRIVEWAY. ERIC COMES OUT THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR. HYDE QUICKLY CHANGES HIS DEMEANOR.

HYDE:

Hey man, what's up?

ERIC:

I'm just going over to Donna's. I'm going to try and beg my way to a little afternoon delight. (he smirks)

HE STARTS WALKING LIKE HE'S GOING TO LEAVE, BUT THEN HE TURNS BACK TO HYDE.

ERIC:(cont')

What are you doing out here by yourself?

HYDE:

(trying to act like nothing's wrong) Oh, I'm just trying to get your car dirty so Jackie can wash it.

HYDE GIVES A DEVILISH SMILE, BUT ERIC'S NOT BUYING IT.

HYDE:(cont')

Forman, (pauses) I'm moving out. I haven't even told Jackie yet but I found a place for us that's available and I can afford it. And, since those are really the only two requirements I have in a house, I'm taking it.

ERIC LOOKS STUNNED. HE CROSSES OVER TO HYDE AND SITS ON THE CAR WITH HIM.

ERIC:

What? You're moving out now? Why so soon?

HYDE:

If you tell anyone this, I will of course deny every word, but Jackie's always alone at her house. (he looks angry) Pam's never around.

ERIC:

What? I thought she and Pam were doing ok.

HYDE:

Yeah, well it turns out that while Pam's a great drinking buddy, she's not such a great mom.

HYDE TAKES HIS SUNGLASSES OFF AND RUBS HIS EYES, LIKE HE'S JUST TIRED OF THE WHOLE SITUATION.

HYDE:(cont')

(he doesn't look at Eric) I can't let her be alone all the time. I know what that's like, man.

HYDE STOPS AND REALIZES HE HAS SAID TOO MUCH. HE GETS OFF THE CAR AND STARTS DRIBBLING THE BALL AGAIN.

HYDE:(cont')

Anyway, I was going to move out after we got married, so you know, why put it off.

HYDE TURNS TO ERIC WITH A SLY GRIN.

HYDE:(cont')

You know, it'll be nice not to be the thing under the stairs anymore.

ERIC:

(seriously) Is that how you think of yourself?

HYDE:

Nah, I'm not the thing under the stairs. (pauses and smiles) I'm the angry guy in the basement.

BOTH GUYS HAVE A SMALL CHUCKLE. THEN ERIC GETS REALLY QUIET.

ERIC:

I've always thought of you more like, the brother I never had. (pauses and smiles) The angry, paranoid, slightly violent brother I never had.

HYDE NODS IN AGREEMENT AND ERIC SMILES. HYDE TURNS AWAY FROM ERIC AND STARTS DRIBBLING THE BALL.

HYDE:

You know, Forman, I never thanked you. (pausing like he can't say the words) When Edna left, you were there. You and Red and Kitty.

HYDE TURNS TO LOOK AT ERIC. HE LOOKS VERY SERIOUS, THEN HE PUTS HIS GLASSES BACK ON AND SHAKES HIS HEAD.

HYDE:(cont')

Man, I gotta move out. I'm turning into you.

ERIC LAUGHS AND GETS UP OFF THE CAR AND GRABS THE BALL FROM HYDE AND STARTS DRIBBLING IT HIMSELF.

ERIC:

I can't believe you're not gonna be here everyday.

HYDE HAS RETURNED TO HIS NORMAL ZEN SELF

HYDE:

Oh I'll be here everyday. I'm gonna be living with Jackie. I'm gonna need a place to hide. Plus, it's a pretty safe bet that Jackie will occasionally kick me out, so keep the cot handy.

THEY START PLAYING BASKETBALL.

HYDE:

You know, Forman, I'm actually gonna miss living in your basement.

ERIC:

(smiling to himself) Yeah. (pauses then he breaks down and hugs Hyde and pretends to cry) Please don't leave me alone in this house with Red.

HYDE SMILES AND ERIC LETS GO OF HIM

ERIC:(cont')

See, right now his anger is split in half. Half goes to you (pointing to Hyde) half goes to me (points to himself) If you leave- I get it all man.

HYDE THROWS THE BALL AT ERIC AND GETS HIM RIGHT IN THE STOMACH. ERIC DOUBLES OVER AND HYDE SMILES

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT FORMAN BASEMENT THAT EVENING. HYDE IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR READING A MAGAZINE. JACKIE IS ON THE COUCH IN BETWEEN KELSO AND ERIC. FEZ IS ON THE LAWN CHAIR.

KELSO:

(puts his arm around Jackie and pulls her close to him) So, Jackie. (looking at her like an idiot) I hope you aren't mad but we've got a huge bachelor party planned for Hyde.

HE DOESN'T GET THE REACTION HE WAS HOPING FOR FROM JACKIE, SO HE KEEPS GOING.

KELSO:(cont')

Lots of naked women.

JACKIE:

(sweetly to Kelso) Steven should have a big party, he deserves it.

KELSO STARES AT HER BLANKLY AND THEN LEANS OVER TO HYDE WITH A NERVOUS LOOK ON HIS FACE.

KELSO:

Um, Hyde, we're not actually throwing you a party. I'm just trying to get a rise out of Jackie.

HYDE JUST LOOKS AT HIM LIKE HE'S AN IDIOT.

ERIC:

(trying to help Jackie) Come on, Jackie (in an encouraging tone) A bachelor party. Hyde can't have a bachelor party. (whispers to Jackie) Can he?

JACKIE:

Of course he can. I trust him.

JACKIE GETS UP OFF THE COUCH AND HEADS OVER TO THE DEEP FREEZE

JACKIE:(cont')

Do you want a coke, Steven?

JACKIE GRABS HIM ONE AND HANDS IT TO HIM HYDE LOOKS AT HER LIKE SHE'S CRAZY.

ERIC:

(to Fez) It's like Jackie's turned into Jeannie.

FEZ:

(excited) Ooh, let's see if she'll put the outfit on.

HYDE STANDS UP TO FACE JACKIE LOOKING RIGHT INTO HER EYES TRYING TO SEE IF SHE'S SETTING HIM UP.

HYDE:

Wait a minute. You mean I can go out with the guys, drink until Fez looks pretty and watch a couple of naked girls jump out of a cake and you won't get mad.

JACKIE JUST LOOKS BACK AT HYDE AND SMILES

JACKIE:

Uh huh.

HYDE SMILES AND NODS THEN HE THINKS ABOUT IT FOR A MINUTE, STOPS SMILING AND SLUMPS DOWN INTO HIS CHAIR, CONFUSED.

HYDE:

(disappointed and confused) Huh.

KELSO:

(looking really confused) What the hell? It doesn't feel dirty anymore. (to Jackie) What did you do? You made strippers un-sexy.

ERIC:

(also looks confused) Yeah, I mean it's like the funnest thing about a bachelor party is pissing off the woman you love.

ALL THE GUYS SIT IN THEIR SEATS LOOKING EXTREMELY CONFUSED AND SAD. FINALLY KELSO STANDS UP AND CROSSES OVER TO JACKIE WHO IS BEHIND HYDE'S CHAIR.

KELSO:

(panicked) Ok Jackie, joke's over. You gotta be mean again. 'Cause I don't want to live in a world where watching naked women smear cake on themselves doesn't feel just a little bit sick.

THE GUYS ALL STILL LOOK DUMBFOUNDED. JACKIE JUST SMILES.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT FORMAN LIVING ROOM THE NEXT AFTERNOON. RED IS IN HIS CHAIR READING THE PAPER AND KITTY IS ON THE COUCH READING A MAGAZINE. HYDE ENTERS SLOWLY THROUGH THE KITCHEN.

HYDE:

Hey, I' ve gotta talk to you guys about something.

KITTY LOOKS AT HYDE, NERVOUSLY. RED DOESN'T LOOK UP FROM HIS PAPER

RED:

Did you get arrested?

HYDE:

No.

RED:

Is Jackie pregnant?

HYDE:

No.

RED:

Are you calling off the wedding?

HYDE:

No.

RED LOOKS UP FROM HIS PAPER AND SMILES AT HYDE.

RED:

Then I'm all ears.

HYDE SHIFTS NERVOUSLY.

HYDE:

Um, I wanted to talk to you about, um , about living in the basement.

KITTY:

Oh, I knew this was coming.

HYDE:

(looks guilty) I don't really know what to say.

KITTY GETS UP AND CROSSES TO HYDE PUTTING HER ARM AROUND HIM.

KITTY:

There's nothing to say, sweetie.

HYDE:

Thanks, Mrs. Forman.

KITTY:

(smiling)You and Jackie can't live in the basement.

HYDE:

(clears his throat and smiles like he's nervous) No, we can't.

KITTY:

(still smiling at Hyde) You'll have to move into Laurie's room.

HYDE:

(stops smiling) What?

HYDE LOOKS AT KITTY AND REALIZES SHE HAS MISUNDERSTOOD. HE LOOKS TO RED TO EXPLAIN, BUT RED IS SMILING TOO.

RED:

Look, Steven, we know how expensive getting married can be and we understand it may take you and Jackie a while to afford a place of your own.

KITTY:

Plus, we all know how big Jackie's ring is. (she laughs) I'm sure you're going to be paying for that until you die. (she laughs again)

HYDE:

Mrs. Forman, (he doesn't know what to say) Jackie and I-

KITTY:

(interrupting him) Now, Steven (patting him on the arm) you don't have to worry about that. Just turn some music on and Red and I won't hear a thing. (she laughs nervously) Oh, it's going to be so much fun.

KITTY GOES BACK TO THE COUCH, SITS DOWN AND STARTS READING HER MAGAZINE AGAIN.

KITTY:(cont')

(smiling) We'll all be one big, happy family.

SUDDENLY THE FRONT DOOR OPENS UP AND LAURIE WALKS IN (ok think Lisa Robin Kelly) HER ARMS FULL OF BAGS SHE SETS THEM DOWN AND SMILES.

LAURIE:

(breathless) Mommy! Daddy! I'm home!

SHE JUST LOOKS AT THEM.. RED PUTS DOWN HIS PAPER AND STARES AS DOES HYDE. KITTY LOOKS LIKE SHE'S GOING TO CRY.

KITTY:

(nervously and quickly)You can't stay here. Steven and Jackie are moving into your room!

HYDE GRINS, RED LOOKS IRRITATED, AND LAURIE POUTS.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT FORMAN LIVING ROOM A SHORT WHILE LATER. LAURIE IS SITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE COUCH. HYDE IS SITTING NEXT TO HER ON THE SIDE CLOSEST TO THE DOOR. KITTY IS SITTING ON THE PIANO BENCH DRINKING A GLASS OF WINE. RED IS PACING BEHIND HIS CHAIR. EVERYONE LOOKS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE, EXCEPT HYDE WHO SEEMS TO BE ENJOYING LAURIE'S UNEASE.

HYDE:

(smirking) So, Laurie, (pauses) how are things?

LAURIE SHOOTS HIM A DIRTY LOOK. HYDE JUST SMILES.

KITTY:

(to Hyde) Steven, will you please got get me another glass of wine.

SHE HANDS HIM HER GLASS AND HE GETS UP

KITTY:(cont')

Oh hell, just bring me the whole bottle.

HYDE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN. THE UNEASY SILENCE CONTINUES.

LAURIE:

(with a huge smile) Boy, I've really missed you guys!

KITTY:

(angry she stands up) Oh cut the crap, Laurie. We are not a motel, you can't just check in and out. Where have you been?

LAURIE:

Oh you know - here and there (pauses) and Canada.

RED SITS BACK DOWN IN HIS CHAIR.

RED:

(to Laurie) Laurie, we're glad you're home.

LAURIE:

(smiles)Thanks, Daddy. (turns and gives Kitty a fake smile)

RED:

But you're not moving back in here.

LAURIE TURNS TO LOOK AT RED AND GIVES HIM A POUTY FACE

LAURIE:

But Daddy -

RED:

(interrupting her) I'm sorry, kitten, but Steven and Jackie are getting married and they're going to be moving into your room.

LAURIE:

(in disbelief) You're giving my room to Hyde?

KITTY:

Steven loves us. And we always know where he is. He hardly ever leaves the basement.

ERIC ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND STOPS, FROZEN, WHEN HE SEES LAURIE.

ERIC:

(yelling) What the hell? You're like an evil boomerang. We throw you away and you (slowly and emphasizing every word) just keep coming back.

LAURIE STAND UP AND CROSSES OVER TO ERIC WITH AN EVIL SMILE ON HER FACE.

LAURIE:

Hey little brother. So, you're still not married. Donna finally dumped your scrawny little butt huh?

ERIC:

No, Laurie! Thankfully, Donna still loves my scrawny little butt.

ERIC REALIZES HE JUST BURNT HIMSELF AND HYDE ENTERS THROUGH THE KITCHEN WITH A BOTTLE OF WINE AND KITTY'S GLASS.

ERIC:(cont')

(flustered to Hyde) Hyde, you picked a perfect time to move out of the house.

HYDE LOOKS REALLY GUILTY. RED AND KITTY LOOK CONFUSED AND LAURIE SMILES.

HYDE:

Forman, no one is better than you at making a really bad situation much, much worse.

LAURIE:

(smiling sweetly) Well, it looks like my room just became available.

HYDE SUDDENLY GETS A SMIRK ON HIS FACE AND MOVES A STEP CLOSER TO LAURIE

HYDE:

(to Laurie) Hey Laurie, don't you think it would be more appropriate if you lived with, oh I don't know (beat) your husband?

HYDE SMILES AND ERIC CATCHES ON TOO. KITTY AND RED ARE STARING AT LAURIE WHO LOOKS REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE.

RED:

No (shaking his head like he doesn't believe it) Laurie and Alibaba got divorced moths ago. (he sees Laurie's guilty expression) Didn't you? (to Laurie)

LAURIE:

(looking extremely uncomfortable) Well, I guess we just kind of forgot.

RED:

(he can't believe it) You forgot! (yelling) You forgot!

KITTY:

Laurie, how do you forget to get divorced?

KITTY CROSSES TO LAURIE WHO NOW HAS RED ON ONE SIDE OF HER AND KITTY ON THE OTHER. LAURIE PAUSES, SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT TO SAY.

LAURIE:

(smiling sweetly) I've been really busy.

ERIC:

(sarcastically) Oh, I'll bet you have.

ERIC AND HYDE START LAUGHING AND THEY CAN'T STOP. RED GIVES THEM BOTH A WARNING LOOK.

ERIC:(cont')

Yeah, we'll be going downstairs now. (over his shoulder to Laurie) We better go tell you husband you're home.

ERIC AND HYDE START LAUGHING AGAIN AND THEY HEAD OUT OF THE ROOM. LAURIE IS LEFT SURROUNDED BY A VERY ANGRY LOOKING RED AND KITTY.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT FORMAN BASEMENT. THAT NIGHT. HYDE IS IN HIS CHAIR. JACKIE, FEZ AND KELSO ARE ON THE COUCH. ERIC IS IN THE LAWN CHAIR. JACKIE IS SMILING SWEETLY, BUT IT LOOKS A LITTLE CREEPY. THE GUYS ALL LOOK NERVOUS AND TENSE LIKE THEY DID WHEN RED SAT DOWN IN THE BASEMENT WATCHING THEM. NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING. FINALLY JACKIE SPEAKS.

JACKIE:

(to Eric who's so nervous he jumps when Jackie speaks to him) Where's Donna?

ERIC:

Oh, she should be here soon. She said she was bringing you a present.

JACKIE:

Oh.

ANOTHER UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE.

JACKIE:(cont')

She didn't have to get me a present.

ALL THE GUYS IMMEDIATELY JUMP OUT OF THEIR SEATS AND BACK AWAY FROM JACKIE.

HYDE:

Ok Jackie, look. (he goes and sits next to her on the couch) I don't know what's going on here, and actually, I'm pretty sure I don't want to know. I can't believe I'm saying this but- you've gotta go back to normal. You're throwing off the mojo of the whole group.

ERIC:

Hyde's right, Jackie.

ERIC SITS DOWN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF JACKIE.

ERIC:(cont')

I always thought it would be fun if you were nice. But it's not fun, it's just creepy.

FEZ ALSO CROSSES OVER TO THE COUCH. STANDING BEHIND IT HE PUTS HIS HANDS ON JACKIE'S SHOULDERS.

FEZ:

Jackie, you're not as sexy when you're nice.

KELSO:

(yells and points at Jackie) You made strippers un-dirty!

DONNA WALKS IN THROUGH THE BASEMENT DOOR. SHE HAS DYED HER HAIR BACK TO RED. EVERYONE STARES AT HER. SHE STRIKES A POSE.

DONNA:

Surprise!

HYDE:

All right. Big Red's back. (to Jackie, like he's taking to a child) Look, Jackie, Donna's got red hair again. (whispers to her) Go on, baby, let it rip.

JACKIE WALKS OVER TO DONNA AND HUGS HER.

JACKIE:

You look so pretty, Donna.

DONNA:

(shocked) What? (quickly) No, no, no, no, no. Jackie (grabbing Jackie by the shoulders and shaking her) Jackie, red hair is not pretty. (stops shaking her and looks straight at her) It's ugly, yuck, disgusting. You hate red hair.

JACKIE:

I love you with red hair.

DONNA:

(excitedly) Because you hated me as a blonde, right?

JACKIE PAUSE LIKE SHE'S THINKING.

JACKIE:

No, you looked really pretty as a blonde too.

DONNA THROWS HER ARMS IN THE AIR LIKE SHE GIVES UP. JACKIE STAND THERE, STILL SMILING KELSO SITS BACK DOWN IN THE LAWN CHAIR AND DONNA SITS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH.

KELSO:

(whispers to Donna) Hey Big Red, does this mean we can't call you jugs-a-poppin' anymore?

DONNA HITS KELSO SO HARD HE FALLS OFF HIS CHAIR.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT FORMAN BASEMENT JUST A SHORT WHILE LATER. "SWEET TALKING WOMAN" BY ELO IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. HYDE IS IN HIS CHAIR WITH JACKIE ON HIS LAP. DONNA, ERIC AND FEZ ARE ON THE COUCH. KELSO IS IN THE LAWN CHAIR AND LAURIE IS STANDING BEHIND HIM. NOW THE GROUP LOOKS EVEN MORE MISERABLE. LAURIE LEANS AGAINST KELSO.

LAURIE:

(flirting with Kelso) So Kelso, you had a baby huh?

KELSO:

(nervously) Yeah. (smiling at Laurie) But the mom and I aren't together anymore so you and I can totally do it if you want to.

ERIC:

Kelso, hello, she's married to Fez.

KELSO:

Fez doesn't mind. (to Fez) Do ya, buddy.

FEZ:

(shrugs) Hey, it's just nice to actually have someone ask for a change.

LAURIE WALKS AWAY FROM KELSO AND CROSSES BEHIND THE COUCH.

LAURIE:

And Donna, you still haven't gotten Eric down the aisle (with fake sympathy) I can't believe you took him back after he ditched out on your wedding. (she grins) You must be really hard-up for a guy.

DONNA LOOKS PISSED.

ERIC:

Laurie, why are you here? (smiling) Did Canada run out of penicillin?

LAURIE SHOOTS HIM AN EVIL SMILE.

LAURIE:

No, little brother, I missed you all. (she turns to look at Jackie and Hyde) Especially you, Jackie.

ERIC:

(whispers to Donna) Oh no, Laurie can't go after Jackie in her weakened state. It's like Lex Luther trying to kill Superman when he's around kryptonite, it's just not fair.

LAURIE:

So, Jackie, you and Hyde are getting married huh?

JACKIE:

(just smiles) Yep.

LAURIE LOOKS IRRITATED THAT SHE CAN'T GET A RISE OUT OF JACKIE, SO SHE TRIES HYDE.

LAURIE:

Nice ring, Hyde. Did you steal it.

HYDE GOES ZEN.

HYDE:

Whatever.

LAURIE:

Oh I get it. Cubic zirconia huh?

HYDE:

No, Laurie, unlike parts of you, it's very real.

JACKIE:

(smiling at Hyde) Steven's a big success now. He runs his own record store.

LAURIE:

(in her teasing baby voice) You must be so proud of him.

JACKIE:

I am.

LAURIE'S PISSED THAT SHE CAN'T GET A REACTION OUT OF HYDE AND JACKIE. SHE PUTS ON A FAKE SMILE.

LAURIE:

I guess it's better than him working in the hotel. (pauses and gets a wicked look on her face) No nurses in a record store.

THE ROOM GETS DEADLY QUIET. NO ONE SAYS A WORD. THEY ALL STARE AT JACKIE AND HYDE. HYDE CLENCHES HIS JAW, HIS ZEN IS GONE AND HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S GOING TO LOSE IT.

JACKIE:

(almost a whisper) What did you say?

LAURIE:

(with a taunting smile) I don't blame you. I'd want to keep Hyde away from the women too if I were you. You never know, right?

HYDE:

(quietly to Jackie) Let's go, ok?

JACKIE:

(to Hyde) Steven, wait. Would you still love me if I had to wear a wig and a lot of coverup?

HYDE LOOKS AT HER LIKE SHE'S CRAZY.

HYDE:

Yeah.

JACKIE:

Good.

JACKIE'S DEMEANOR INSTANTLY CHANGES. SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S GOING TO KILL SOMEONE. SLOW- MOTION JACKIE JUMPS OUT OF HYDE'S LAP AND TURNS WITH HER FISTS CLENCHED AT HER SIDES TO FACE LAURIE. EXACTLY THE SAME SCENE AS "CAT FIGHT CLUB" WHEN JACKIE BEAT UP LAURIE. JACKIE STEPS ON THE COUCH BETWEEN DONNA AND ERIC. SHE LEAPS OFF THE COUCH AT LAURIE CUT TO LAURIE'S HORRIFIED FACE AS JACKIE JUMPS AT LAURIE KNOCKING HER BACK ON THE FLOOR BEHIND THE COUCH. EVERYONE JUMPS UP AND HEADS BEHIND THE COUCH TO WATCH THE FIGHT.

DONNA:

Kick her ass, Jackie!

HYDE:

(shadow boxing) That's it, baby! Right in the eye!

FEZ:

Oh I am so happy my wife is back. This is sexy!

JACKIE STANDS UP VICTORIOUS AND THEN LAURIE STANDS UP AND TAKES OFF RUNNING UP THE STAIRS. JACKIE CHASES HER TO THE STAIRS.

JACKIE:

(yelling after Laurie) Yeah, you better run!

JACKIE TURNS TO FACE THE GROUP WITH AN EXHILARATED LOOK ON HER FACE. THEY ALL JUST STARE AT HER. THEN ERIC STARTS CLAPPING.

ERIC:

Ladies and gentlemen, the real Jackie Burkhart has entered the building.

HYDE RUNS OVER TO JACKIE HE'S SO EXCITED HE PICKS HER UP LETTING HER FEET JUST DANGLE OFF THE GROUND.

HYDE:

That was even better than the first time you kicked her ass! (gives her a kiss)

KELSO:

(to Donna with a stupid grin on his face) Hey, Donna, make Jackie mad. I wanna see another chick fight.

DONNA:

(to Jackie) What about the new nice Jackie?

HYDE STILL HOLDS ONTO JACKIE, LIKES HE'S SO EXCITED HE'S FORGOTTEN TO PUT HER DOWN.

JACKIE:

(breathless) I don't know. I was sitting there listening to her insult you guys and I just kept getting madder and madder. (looks angry) Nobody talks to my friends that way! (very matter-of -fact) Well, except of course - me. (she smiles)

HYDE IS STILL HOLDING HER UP AND LOOKING AT HER WITH A BIG SMILE OF ADMIRATION.

HYDE:

Well I'm glad you're back. I like a girl that can kick a little ass.

JACKIE:

(puts her arms around his neck) Aww, thank you, baby. Oh, and Steven - (with a nasty look) there's no way you're having a bachelor party.

HYDE'S FACE FALLS AND HE SETS JACKIE DOWN. JACKIE SMILES - VICTORIOUS AGAIN.

END SCENE

CREDITS

INT FORMAN BASEMENT THAT NIGHT. CIRCLE. "BAD TIME" BY GRAND FUNK RAILROAD IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

ERIC:

Fez, I can't believe you and Laurie forgot to get divorced.

CUT TO HYDE WITH HIS ARM AROUND JACKIE WHO IS NEXT TO HIM.

HYDE:

Well, to be fair, Laurie was busy whoring her way around Wisconsin, Illinois, Minnesota and most of Canada. It's easy to see how she could forget.

JACKIE:

(with a huge grin) I love kicking Laurie's ass! I don't care if God strikes me down. I'll kick his ass too!

HYDE LOOKS AT HER VERY PROUDLY.

HYDE:

Yeah. My baby's back.

JACKIE LAYS HER HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER. CUT TO FEZ.

FEZ:

Jackie, if you kick Laurie's ass again could you avoid the face. (gesturing around his face) I don't want to be married to an ugo.

CUT TO KELSO WITH A HUGE DUMB SMILE ON HIS FACE.

KELSO:

Wow. I've done it with Fez's wife. I've done it with Hyde's wife. Hey Big D, I'm not busy right now if you wanna make it a trifecta.

DONNA APPEARS AND TACKLES KELSO TO THE GROUND.

END EPISODE

UP NEXT...

"Love Will Keep Us Together"

Jackie tries to plan her wedding on a budget and the gang can't seem to stop arguing.


	4. Love Will Keep Us Together

"Love Will Keep Us Together"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Captain and Tenille.

I own nothing, just trying to fix the mess that was season eight. This episode takes place near the end of season seven. It would be episode 7-25

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN MORNING. HYDE IS AT THE TABLE EATING BREAKFAST. KITTY IS AT THE STOVE MAKING PANCAKES. JACKIE ENTERS THROUGH THE SLIDING GLASS DOOR CARRYING A HUGE STACK OF WEDDING MAGAZINES.

JACKIE:

Ok, Steven, (she sets a magazine down in front of him) the tuxes I want are on page 83. (sets down another magazine) The flowers I want are on page 205. (sets down another) The horse drawn carriage is on page 179. (sets down another) And, the invitations are on page 12. So, now all we need to find is the band, the photographer, the cake, the limo, the bridesmaids dresses, the reception hall, the string quartet and the white doves.

HYDE STARES AT HER WITH A DAZED LOOK ON HIS FACE. JACKIE IS WAY TOO EXCITED TO NOTICE.

JACKIE:(cont')

Wow, we have so much to do in a month.

KITTY STOPS COOKING AND COMES OVER TO THE COUNTER TO TALK TO JACKIE.

KITTY:

A month? Jackie, why don't you and Steven take more time to plan things. Get married in three months.

JACKIE:

Three months? (shaking her head no) Oh no, no, no, no, no. That's way too much time for Steven to change his mind.

HYDE STARTS FLIPPING THROUGH THE MAGAZINES LOOKING IRRITATED. KITTY GOES BACK TO THE STOVE.

HYDE:

Jackie, we can't afford all this stuff.

JACKIE:

What are you talking about? Why can't we just ask your dad to pay for it?

JACKIE SITS DOWN NEXT TO HYDE.

JACKIE:(cont')

He missed 20 birthdays and 20 Christmases.(getting a little worked up) He owes you one really big, expensive wedding!

HYDE:

No, Jackie. I'm not asking W.B. to pay for our wedding. If we're grown up enough to get married, we're grown up enough to pay for our own wedding.

JACKIE:

(pouting) Steven, sometimes you say the most immature things.

KITTY:

(over her shoulder to Jackie) Jackie, you can have a lovely, simple wedding on a small budget.

JACKIE:

(irritated) Simple weddings are for ugly girls.

HYDE:

(trying to be nice) Look, I'm not just thinking about the wedding. We're gonna have rent to pay and food to buy and some furniture might be nice. And, there's also the bills for that ridiculously large ring I bought you.

JACKIE:

(getting defensive) I never asked you to buy me a big ring.

HYDE RAISES AN EYEBROW AT HER.

JACKIE:(cont')

(looking a little guilty) Ok well, maybe I hinted.

HYDE:

Hinted? I believe your exact words were, "I want a ring so big I can't lift my hand above my head."

JACKIE

I explained to you why I needed a big ring. The size of woman's diamond is directly proportional to the size of her husband's love for her.

JACKIE RAISES HER HAND AND INDICATES HER RING.

JACKIE:(cont')

This diamond represents how much you love me.

HYDE:

(giving her a tense smile) No, Jackie, that diamond represents a tiny house and no white doves.

HYDE GOES BACK TO EATING AND JACKIE POUTS.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. A BRIDAL STORE. THAT MORNING. JACKIE, DONNA, KITTY AND LAURIE ARE SHOPPING FOR BRIDESMAIDS DRESSES.

LAURIE:

(with an irritated look) Ok, Jackie. Explain to me again why I'm here?

JACKIE:

Because, Laurie, I want you to pick out all the dresses that you like, and then I'll know those are the slutty ones.

LAURIE:

(nods and smiles) Ok, sounds good.

LAURIE GRABS A DRESS AND HEADS INTO A DRESSING ROOM AS DONNA COMES OUT OF ANOTHER ONE WEARING AN ABSOLUTELY AWFUL BRIDESMAIDS DRESS WITH A HUGE HOOPSKIRT AND A LOT OF BOWS AND POUF. KITTY STARTS LAUGHING AND CLAPPING.

DONNA:

(looking miserable) Jackie, I am not wearing this.

JACKIE:

Look, Donna, I already told you, the maid of honor can't wear a flannel shirt.

KITTY:

I think you look beautiful, Donna. You look all fluffy, like a lemon meringue pie. (she laughs)

DONNA LOOKING DEJECTED HEADS BACK INTO HER DRESSING ROOM. JACKIE AND KITTY GO BACK TO LOOKING AT DRESSES ON THE RACKS.

KITTY:

So Jackie, do you have your dress yet?

JACKIE JUST ROLLS HER EYES.

JACKIE:

Oh please, Mrs. Forman, I bought my dress about an hour after Steven and I made out for the first time.

JACKIE LOOKS LIKE SHE WANTS TO SAY SOMETHING TO KITTY, BUT DOESN'T QUITE KNOW HOW. KITTY GOES BACK TO THE DRESSES

JACKIE:

(tentatively) Mrs. Forman, I need some advice.

KITTY:

Sure, sweetie.

JACKIE:

Well, I know on your wedding invitation you're supposed to list the bride's parents and the groom's parents names. (she pauses, uncomfortable) But, well, I think an invitation that says, "Mr Incarcerated and Mrs. Whore request the honor of your presence at the wedding of their daughter to the son of Mrs. Alcoholic and Mr. Rich Black Guy" well, that's just not the kind of invitation I want. (she looks sad) Sometimes, I wish Steven and I had actual families.

KITTY PATS JACKIE ON THE HAND,

KITTY:

Jackie, don't worry about all that. Your wedding will be perfect. (she pauses) As long as you have an open bar.

KITTY LAUGHS AND JACKIE CRACKS A SMALL SMILE.

JACKIE:

Thanks for all your help with all this stuff, (indicating around the shop) Mrs. Forman. You know, my mom has better taste, but I like you a lot more.

KITTY:

(not sure how to take that) Well, thank you, Jackie.

JACKIE:

You know, I've always thought of you as Steven's mom. And since Steven and I really don't have parents, well good ones anyway, we'd like you and Mr. Forman to be part of the wedding.

KITTY:

(starts to cry) Oh my goodness. Well, that is just the nicest, sweetest thing you've ever said, Jackie.

JACKIE:

Do you think Mr. Forman will walk me down the aisle?

KITTY:

Of course he will. (looking slightly irritated) It'll probably be the only chance he gets.

JACKIE:

(looks confused) But what about Laurie?

LAURIE COMES OUT OF THE DRESSING ROOM IN A TASTELESS GOWN THAT LOOKS LIKE A VEGAS SHOWGIRL'S DRESS. KITTY AND JACKIE LOOK HORRIFIED. LAURIE STRIKES A POSE.

LAURIE:

Ta da!

KITTY:

(to Jackie) Like I said, it'll probably be his only chance.

DONNA COMES OUT OF HER DRESSING ROOM WEARING ANOTHER UGLY DRESS SHE LOOKS REALLY DEPRESSED.

JACKIE:

C'mon, Donna. (Jackie smiles at her) How can you possibly be sad when you're wearing 15 layers of chiffon.

DONNA:

It's just all this wedding talk and Eric hasn't brought up our future together once. (to Kitty) I'm starting to think he's going to live with you forever.

KITTY:

(excited) Really?

DONNA LOOKS IRRITATED SO KITTY PUTS ON A FAKE FROWN.

KITTY:(cont')

Because, that would be just awful.

DONNA:

I don't know, I just never thought Laurie and Jackie would be married before me.

JACKIE:

(with attitude) I did.

LAURIE

(smiles and nods) Yeah, me too.

KITTY:

Well, Eric wants to be a teacher now. That's progress isn't it?

DONNA:

(still depressed) I guess. (pauses and shakes her head) I'm just being crazy.

JACKIE CROSSES TO DONNA AND PUTS HER ARM AROUND HER.

JACKIE:

Donna, try to focus here. My wedding, not yours. And you're not crazy, every girl wants to have the wedding of her dreams.

DONNA JUST ROLLS HER EYES.

JACKIE:(cont')

I know Steven's right and we should be spending our money on a house and all that other crap. But I've been dreaming about my wedding since I was five years old. A big, beautiful, expensive wedding.

JACKIE GETS A DREAMY LOOK.

CUT TO FANTASY SCENE "TARA'S THEME" FROM "GONE WITH THE WIND" PLAYS.

EXT. DAYTIME. A HORSE DRAWN CARRIAGE AND THE HORSES HAVE FAKE UNICORN HORNS TIED ON THEIR HEADS. THE CARRIAGE PULLS UP IN FRONT OF A CONGREGATION OF PEOPLE IN WHITE CHAIRS. IT IS SUNSET ON A CLIFF OVERLOOKING A CHEESY, FAKE-LOOKING OCEAN. JACKIE IS INSIDE THE CARRIAGE. IT STOPS AND JACKIE STANDS UP TO GET OUT. SHE IS WEARING A HUGE WHITE WEDDING DRESS WITH A POUFY VEIL AND A VERY LONG TRAIN. SHE HAS AN ENORMOUS PURPLE BOUQUET. RED APPEARS AT THE DOOR OF THE CARRIAGE IN A TUX WITH AN UNCHARACTERISTIC, GOOFY SMILE. HE OFFERS HIS HAND TO HELP JACKIE DOWN. SHE TAKES HIS ARM AND CLIMBS DOWN, SHE IS JOINED BY DONNA, LAURIE AND KITTY ALL WEARING PURPLE BRIDESMAIDS DRESSES AND FUSSING OVER JACKIE. SHE TAKES RED'S ARM AND THEY START DOWN AN AISLE STREWN WITH PURPLE ROSE PETALS. FEZ, ERIC AND KELSO ARE STANDING AT THE END OF THE AISLE ALL SMILING HUGE, CHEESY SMILES. THEN WE SEE HYDE WHO IS GRINNING FROM EAR TO EAR, IT LOOKS CREEPY AND UNNATURAL. JACKIE AND RED REACH HYDE AND RED GIVES HYDE A HUGE HUG. HYDE TAKES JACKIE'S HANDS THEN HE DIPS HER DRAMATICALLY AND KISSES HER. WHITE DOVES FLY OVER THEM.

END FANTASY

CUT TO THE WOMEN. JACKIE SIGHS DREAMILY. KITTY AND LAURIE LOOK AMUSED AND DONNA LOOKS IRRITATED.

DONNA:

Yeah, not gonna happen. Oh (pauses) and I hate that dress too.

JACKIE FROWNS

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT FORMAN BASEMENT THAT AFTERNOON. "HEAVEN AND HELL" BY BLACK SABBATH PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. HYDE IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR ANGRILY FLIPPING THE PAGES OF A WEDDING MAGAZINE. ERIC IS SITTING IN THE LAWN CHAIR WATCHING HYDE. ERIC HAS A TYPICAL COMICAL YET QUIZZICAL LOOK ON HIS FACE. KELSO AND FEZ ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH PLAYING THE SLAP HANDS GAME. KELSO SLAPS FEZ.

FEZ:

(To Kelso) Ow! (pouting) Too hard!

KELSO:

(with a dirty laugh) Yeah, that's what your wife said when I did it with her.

FEZ:

(in a fake "Kelso" voice) "Ooh my name is Kelso. I did it with your wife." (Fez back to normal, and irritated)You think you're so special. Well I got news for you, buddy - you're not. Everyone has slept with my wife.

ERIC:

Fez, you do realize you just burned yourself and not him.

FEZ:

(looks guilty and a little sad) Yes, yes, I am just realizing that.

HYDE TAKES THE BRIDAL MAGAZINE HE'S BEEN LOOKING AT AND THROWS IT ACROSS THE ROOM. THE OTHER GUYS LOOK AT HIM WITH AMUSEMENT.

ERIC:

Hyde, did you just throw a wedding magazine? What's the matter (with a mocking smile) can't find the perfect tuxedo tee shirt?

HYDE:

(angrily) I feel like an ass because I can't afford all this stupid crap Jackie wants.

HYDE GETS UP TO GO TO THE DEEP FREEZE, HE OPENS IT AND GRABS A POPSICLE.

ERIC:

(sincerely) Why don't you just ask your dad if you can borrow the money?

HYDE SLAPS THE FREEZER DOOR DOWN AND TURNS AROUND TO FACE ERIC.

HYDE:

No way! I'll listen to Jackie complain until my ears bleed before I ask somebody for money.

ERIC:

Man, all Donna does lately is complain.

ERIC DOES A "DONNA" VOICE

ERIC:

"Eric, move out of your parents house. Eric get out of bed. Eric get a job"

ERIC STOPS, AND THINKS ABOUT WHAT HE'S SAYING. HE FROWNS.

ERIC:(cont')

God, why is she with me?

Kelso:

It's a mystery to all of us, Forman.

HYDE SITS BACK DOWN

HYDE:

Yeah, well just wait til Jackie sees the place we're moving to. She's gonna be pissed. That's why you guys are coming with when I show her. I figure if the three of you are holding her you might buy me enough time to run before she tries to kill me.

KELSO:

(with a dumb grin) Yeah, but then who's gonna keep Laurie from jumping on me to DO IT with me.

HYDE:

(irritated) Kelso, will you stop talking about how you did it with Fez's wife. It's getting old.

FEZ:

Yes, (with a smile) why don't you talk about how you did it with Hyde's wife.

FEZ JUMPS OVER THE BACK OF THE COUCH AND TAKES OFF RUNNING UP THE STAIRS WITH HYDE CHASING AFTER HIM.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT FORMAN KITCHEN A SHORT WHILE LATER THAT AFTERNOON. JACKIE IS SITTING ON THE COUNTER NEAR THE SINK. DONNA AND LAURIE ARE SITTING ON THE STOOLS AT THE COUNTER. THE GUYS ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE. THE GIRLS ARE FLIPPING THROUGH BRIDAL MAGAZINES, JACKIE LOOKS INCREDIBLY DEPRESSED.

JACKIE:

I can't believe you won't let me have my doves. What's the point of even getting married.

DONNA LOOKS UP FROM HER MAGAZINE. SHE'S HAD IT WITH JACKIE.

DONNA:

Oh I don't know, maybe because you love Hyde.

JACKIE:

(to Donna) Oh what do you know? Eric never even showed up for your wedding.

ERIC:

(to Hyde) Explain to me again why you're marrying her.

HYDE:

Imagine all that anger and the vicious temper and now put her in a bedroom.

THE GUYS ALL LOOK LIKE THEY'RE IMAGING IT. THEY SMILE.

HYDE:(cont')

(smiling devilishly) Good stuff, huh?

JACKIE GIVES HYDE A NASTY LOOK.

JACKIE:

Steven, you're a pig. A dove-hating, dream-crushing pig!

DONNA:

Oh, shut up, Jackie!

FEZ:

(to Jackie and Donna) C'mon, don't fight. Unless there's mud wrestling involved in which case, be my guest.

LAURIE LOOKS UP FROM HER MAGAZINE TO GIVE FEZ AN IRRITATED LOOK.

LAURIE:

God, Fez, you're such a pervert.

FEZ:

(with a nasty look at Laurie) That didn't seem to bother you on our wedding night.

KELSO:

Yeah, Laurie's not afraid to try new things.

FEZ:

(to Kelso) Will you please stop reminding me you did it with my wife.

HYDE:

Hey, Fez, if it wasn't him it'd just be some other guy reminding you.

JACKIE:

Oh shut up, Steven.

HYDE:

You shut up, Jackie.

DONNA:

Hey, shut up, Hyde.

ERIC:

Shut up, Donna.

LAURIE:

Shut up, Eric.

FEZ:

Shut up, Laurie.

KELSO:

Shut up, Fez.

THEY ALL JUST STARE AT EACH OTHER. RED AND KITTY ENTER FROM THE LIVING ROOM EACH CARRYING A DRINK. THEY SEE THE KIDS ALL GLARING AT EACH OTHER.

RED:

It feels like North Korea in here.

KITTY:

Uh-oh, (she laughs) is somebody fighting?

ERIC:

No, Mom, not somebody. We're all fighting.

KITTY:

Oh now, don't be silly. You're best friends. I bet you don't even remember why you were fighting.

JACKIE:

Steven's a dream-killer.

HYDE:

Jackie's a spoiled brat.

DONNA:

Eric's a big baby.

ERIC:

Donna's controlling.

LAURIE:

Fez is a pervert.

FEZ:

Kelso's a man-whore.

KELSO:

Laurie's a tramp.

KITTY AND RED JUST STARE AT THEM ALL. KITTY LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.

KITTY:

Well, what do you know. You do remember. (she laughs again) You know, there's a big storm coming. You better get going if you're going to see Jackie and Steven's new house. You wouldn't want to get caught in the rain.

HYDE:

(sarcastically) Yeah, that would really bring down the day.

THE KIDS ALL MOPE OUT OF THE KITCHEN AND HEAD OUTSIDE THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR. KITTY AND RED STAND THERE LOOKING RELIEVED AND HOLDING THEIR DRINKS.

KITTY:

Well, that was unpleasant.

RED:

Yep.

KITTY:

(with a small smile) At least we've got the house to ourselves.

RED:

Yep.

THEY CLINK GLASSES.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

EXT HYDE'S OLD HOUSE FROM SEASON ONE. IT"S SUNDOWN. HYDE WALKS UP THE SIDEWALK FOLLOWED BY JACKIE AND THE REST OF THE GANG.

HYDE:

(gesturing to the house) Well, this is it.

JACKIE JUST GLARES AT HIM WITH HER HANDS ON HER HIPS.

JACKIE:

Steven, this is your old house.

HYDE:

Yeah, I figured I have so many great memories here -Bud leaving (with a mock smile) that's a good one. My mom leaving - (smiles and nods) an even better one. Eating ketchup and crackers - memories don't get much better than that.

JACKIE:

Steven, we cannot live here. People will think we're poor!

HYDE LOOKS AT JACKIE IN DISBELIEF.

HYDE:

Jackie, we are poor.

JACKIE:

(threatening) Steven Hyde, you take that back!

HYDE:

Look, we've got to pay for a wedding and a place to live. This (pointing at the house) is all we can afford.

DONNA:

Hey, Jackie, look at the bright side. At least you and Hyde are actually moving in together. (she turns to face Eric) My boyfriend wants to spend the rest of his life sleeping on Spider Man sheets and living with his mommy.

ERIC:

Ok, Donna. First of all, I have Star Wars sheets now. And second, my mommy loves me and she's nice to me. (quietly) You're just mean and bossy.

LAURIE:

(with a disgusted look to Eric) God, Eric, you're such a mama's boy.

DONNA:

(turns to Laurie) Hey, slut bag, lay off my boyfriend!

FEZ:

(to Donna) You can't speak that way to my wife, jugs-a-poppin'.

KELSO:

Hey - foreign guy - don't talk to Donna's jugs that way.

JACKIE:

Would you morons stop fighting, you are ruining a very important day for Steven and I.

HYDE:

Thank you, Jackie.

JACKIE:

(to Hyde) Oh go to hell, you made me poor.

JACKIE STOMPS OFF INTO THE HOUSE LIKE A SPOILED CHILD FOLLOWED BY EVERYONE BUT HYDE WHO IS LEFT STANDING ON THE SIDEWALK.

HYDE:

(yelling after Jackie) See, we're already making our own beautiful freaking memories!

HYDE HEADS INTO THE HOUSE.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT FORMAN LIVING ROOM THAT NIGHT. RED IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR AND KITTY IS SITTING ON THE COUCH SMILING AT HIM.

RED:

(suspiciously) Kitty, if you don't stop smiling like that I'm going to call someone with a white jacket and a paddy wagon.

KITTY LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.

KITTY:

Oh Red, I'm not crazy. I'm just happy. And I know you think that happy people are crazy, but that's not always the case.

RED:

Is this happiness the reason you've been pouring beer down my throat all night?

KITTY:

Well, I know how you react better to happy news after you've had a few beers in you. (she laughs again and then speaks quickly) Jackie and Steven want us to be involved in the wedding.

RED:

I'm not paying for it.

KITTY:

They don't want you to pay for it. (she pauses and smiles tentatively) Jackie wants you to walk her down the aisle.

RED:

You know, every day I tell one of these kids that I'm going to shove my foot up one of their asses, and yet they still love me. They think that, "I'm going to shove my foot up your ass" is a term of endearment.

RED PAUSES AND KITTY CAN TELL THAT SHE'S WON.

KITTY:

So you'll do it?

RED:

(begrudgingly) Of course I'll do it. Because I'm a nice guy. And do you know what they say about nice guys?

KITTY:

(with a saucy look) They like to race their wives to the bedroom?

RED:

No, they say - (pauses realizing) oh yeah, that's what they say.

KITTY RUNS UP THE STAIRS FOLLOWED BY RED.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT HYDE'S HOUSE THAT NIGHT. THERE IS NO FURNITURE AND IT IS A MESS. IT LOOKS THE SAME AS WHEN HYDE LIVED THERE YEARS AGO. EVERYONE COMES OUT OF THE KITCHEN. JACKIE LEADS THE WAY WITH HYDE FOLLOWING HER.

JACKIE:

Steven, I am not eating in that kitchen.

HYDE:

Well, since you can't cook, that shouldn't be an issue.

KELSO:

Jackie and I (does air quotes) "cooked in the kitchen" once. (with a big dopey laugh)

HYDE TURNS TO KELSO AND HE IS FED UP.

HYDE:

Kelso, I swear to God, keep pissing me off and I'll hit you in parts I'm pretty sure you like using.

KELSO COVERS UP HIS CROTCH AND LOOKS A BIT SCARED.

FEZ:

Leave him alone, Hyde. It's not Kelso's fault he is so irresistible he's done it with every girl in Point Place.

KELSO:

(to Fez with a grin) Yeah, like your wife.

LAURIE AND FEZ BOTH HIT KELSO. THERE IS A LOUD THUNDERCLAP IN THE BACKGROUND AND RAIN BEGINS LEAKING THROUGH THE CEILING. JACKIE HOLDS OUT HER HAND TO CATCH THE WATER, SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S GOING TO CRY.

JACKIE:

Oh great! The ceiling leaks. It's like we're living in the south.

ERIC:

(sarcastic) Well, we could fill the hole with all the love in the room.

HYDE:

No, I've got a better idea. Why don't we use Jackie's giant engagement ring to plug up the hole since it's the reason we can't afford a nicer house.

DONNA:

Hyde, you should've done what Eric did when we got engaged. (yells) Buy the tiniest engagement ringin the history of time!

ERIC:

You said you liked it even if it was small and tiny.

KELSO:

Are you sure she was talking about the ring?

LAURIE:

Kelso, I'd shut up if I were you unless you want me giving out your measurements.

FEZ:

(to Laurie) For the last time, please stop talking about other men's private parts.

HYDE:

(to Fez) C'mon, Fez, (with a nasty look at Laurie) everybody's entitled to talk about their work.

KELSO:

(sarcastic) Hey, Hyde, why don't you show us the bedroom in this palace.

DONNA:

Kelso, for the love of God. Jackie and I are not going to make out for you guys.

THEY ALL HEAD INTO THE BEDROOM. CUT TO EVERYONE IN AN EMPTY BEDROOM WITH ONE BOARDED UP WINDOW. JACKIE LOOKS AROUND AND TURNS TO HYDE WITH A HORRIFIED LOOK.

JACKIE:

Steven, this does not look like the kind of room I want to make our babies in.

KELSO:

(under his breath) Maybe you should decorate it like the inside of a car.

HYDE GOES BALLISTIC.

HYDE:

That's it, Kelso!

HYDE TACKLES KELSO AND THROWS HIM AGAINST THE DOOR WHICH CLOSES SHUT. THEN HE TACKLES HIM TO THE GROUND AND IN THE PROCESS THE DOORKNOB FALLS OFF THE DOOR AND HITS KELSO IN THE EYE.

KELSO:

OW! My eye!

HYDE GRABS THE DOORKNOB.

HYDE:

What the hell?

HYDE SHOVES KELSO OUT OF THE WAY AND TRIES TO SMASH THE DOOR DOWN.

HYDE:(cont')

Great! (turns to face the group) Now we're stuck in here.

ERIC:

(sounding disgusted) It could be worse.

THERE IS A HUGE THUNDERCLAP AND ALL THE LIGHTS GO OUT. IT'S PITCH BLACK AND WE CAN'T SEE ANYONE.

HYDE:

(we only hear him we can't see him) You had to open your mouth didn't you, Forman.

DONNA:

(voice) Great! Really freaking great!

JACKIE:

(voice) What are we supposed to do now?

CUT TO CIRCLE. ONLY THERE'S NO SMOKE IN THIS CIRCLE. EVERY TIME SOMEONE TALKS THEY USE THEIR CIGARETTE LIGHTERS TO ILLUMINATE THEIR FACE. WHEN THEY'RE DONE TALKING, THEIR LIGHTER GOES OUT.

CUT TO JACKIE LIT UP

JACKIE:

(to Hyde, irritated) You couldn't have grabbed your stash on the way out?

CUT TO HYDE LIT UP

HYDE:

If I would've know I was going to hell, I would've grabbed it.

CUT TO DONNA LIT UP

DONNA:

(yells) Keslo, get your hand off my ass!

CUT TO KELSO LIT UP

KELSO:

Oh, sorry, Donna, (smiles) I thought you were Laurie.

CUT TO FEZ LIT UP

FEZ:

Kelso, stop trying to grab my wife's ass!

CUT TO ERIC LIT UP

ERIC:

(nods and smiles) Boy, Fez, I bet you wish you had a dollar for every time you said that.

CUT TO DONNA LIT UP

DONNA:

(to Eric) Yeah, then maybe he could've loaned you some money to buy me AN ENGAGEMENT RING!

CUT TO LAURIE LIT UP

LAURIE:

(to Donna) Yeah, well at least you got something (to Fez) you never even bought me a wedding ring.

FEZ:

(to Laurie) Laurie, when you stop sleeping with other men, I will buy you a wedding ring.

SILENCE AND A LONG PAUSE. ALL THE LIGHTERS ARE OUT AND IT'S TOTALLY BLACK AGAIN. THERE'S ANOTHER HUGE THUNDERCLAP. CUT TO JACKIE LIT UP.

JACKIE:

(scared) God, I hate thunderstorms. (with a sad, pouty face) Steven, come sit with me.

CUT TO HYDE LIT UP. HE LOOKS IRRITATED.

HYDE:

(reluctantly) Fine.

CUT TO HYDE AND JACKIE LIT UP BY BOTH OF THEIR LIGHTERS. HE SITS NEXT TO HER AND SHE SNUGGLES UP TO HIM. HE LOOKS AT HER WITH AN ANNOYED LOOK ON HIS FACE. SHE SNUGGLES UP TO HIM EVEN MORE AND GIVES HIM HER PUPPY DOG FACE. HE SIGHS AND PUTS HER ARM AROUND HER. SHE SMILES LIKE SHE'S WON AND LAYS HER HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER.

JACKIE:

(sweetly) Steven, I'm sorry my ring made us poor.

HYDE JUST GRUNTS.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

And I don't care where we live as long as we're together.

HYDE:

Whatever.

JACKIE:

And I don't need a big expensive wedding. (with a pouty smile) I just need my puddin' pop.

HYDE LOOKS AT HER. HE STILL HAS A PISSED LOOK ON HIS FACE. THEN HE LUNGES AT HER AND THEY START MAKING OUT. THEIR LIGHTERS GO OUT AND WE ARE IN BLACKNESS AGAIN. WE HEAR A THUD AS THEY FALL BACK ON THE FLOOR.

CUT TO FEZ LIT UP

FEZ:

Hey, turn your lighters back on so everyone can see.

CUT TO LAURIE LIT UP.

LAURIE:

Fez, you're a real freak. (smiling and nodding) I like that in a man.

CUT TO DONNA LIT UP.

DONNA:

(to Eric) Eric, I'm sorry, I loved my engagement ring. I love everything you give me. (she pauses and smiles) even if it's tiny.

CUT TO ERIC LIT UP

ERIC:

(with a goofy smile) And that's why you're m'lady.

ALL THE LIGHTERS ARE OUT AGAIN AND IT'S COMPLETE DARKNESS. CUT TO KELSO LIT UP.

KELSO:

This is nice. (he smiles) We shouldn't be fighting. We should be making up. So, which one of you lovely ladies wants to make up with me? Nobody? Fine. I'll just make up with my self.

EVERYONE THROWS THEIR LIGHTERS AT KELSO KNOCKING HIS OUT OF HIS HANDS. IT'S COMPLETELY BLACK AGAIN.

KELSO:

(voice only) God, I was just kidding.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL.

CREDITS

INT FORMAN BASEMENT A SHORT WHILE LATER. FEZ, ERIC, DONNA AND LAURIE ARE ON THE COUCH. KELSO, WITH AN ICE PACK ON HIS HEAD IS SITTING IN THE LAWN CHAIR.

JACKIE:

Steven, we're going to need lots of furniture for our new place.

HYDE:

(with a sly grin) As long as we have a bed, I'm good.

JACKIE:

(with her hand on her heart, she's touched) Aww...

THEY START MAKING OUT.

DONNA:

God, you guys are like rabbits.

HYDE STOPS KISSING JACKIE AND LOOKS AT DONNA.

HYDE:

Yeah, really happy rabbits. I'm like the freaking Easter Bunny. (looks at Jackie mischievously) I bring treats to my good little girl.

THEY START GOING AT IT AGAIN.

DONNA:

(turns to Eric) Why can't you say sexy things like that to me?

ERIC:

(indignant) What's sexy about that? He made a perverted reference about a beloved childhood character.

HYDE STOPS KISSING JACKIE AGAIN.

HYDE;

Forman, it's not what I say, it's how I say it.

JACKIE:

(nodding) It's true. You should hear him talk about being abandoned as a child. (looks at Hyde) It gets me so hot.

KELSO:

(pouting) Well I think Hyde's a jerk!

LAURIE:

Oh Kelso, shut up! At least Hyde got us out of that room.

KELSO:

(yells) Yeah, by busting down the door with my head!

RED AND KITTY COME DOWN THE STAIRS. RED IS HOLDING A LARGE ENVELOPE.

KITTY:

Everybody friends again?

ERIC:

Yeah, we're like the Beatles. But with a happy ending.

RED:

Steven, Kitty and I have something for you.

KITTY:

Call it an early wedding present.

RED HANDS HYDE THE ENVELOPE. KITTY LOOKS LIKE SHE'S GOING TO BURST SHE'S SO EXCITED. HYDE LOOKS IN THE ENVELOPE. HE'S SPEECHLESS. HE JUST STARES AT RED AND KITTY.

HYDE:

What is all this?

JACKIE TAKES THE ENVELOPE AND LOOKS IN IT. SHE JUMPS OUT OF HYDE'S LAP AND PULLS OUT A WAD OF CASH FROM THE ENVELOPE.

JACKIE:

(yells) We're rich!

HYDE STANDS UP NEXT TO HER AND GRABS THE CASH AND PUTS IT BACK IN THE ENVELOPE.

RED:

Steven, that's all the money you've given us over the years. It's been waiting for you in a bank account.

HYDE IS GENUINELY TOUCHED.

HYDE:

Red, I don't know what to say.

HYDE SHAKES RED'S HAND AND WALKS OVER TO KITTY AND GIVES HER A KISS. THEN HE TURNS BACK TO JACKIE.

HYDE:(cont'd)

Well Jackie, it looks like you get your big wedding after all.

JACKIE LOOKS AT HIM AND THEN SHAKES HER HEAD, VERY SERIOUS.

JACKIE:

No, Steven.

KITTY THROWS HER HANDS UP IN THE AIR.

KITTY:

I knew it! I knew you'd call the wedding off. You know, just once I'd like for one of my kids to get married (looks at Laurie) without liquor and a green card being involved.

JACKIE:

(smiles) No Mrs. Forman, I don't want to call off the wedding.

JACKIE TAKES HYDE'S HANDS.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

Steven, I don't need a big, fancy wedding. We should use this money to help us buy a house.

HYDE:

Jackie, are you sure? (holds up the envelope) In this envelope are your white doves.

JACKIE:

No, in this envelope is our future.

HYDE PAUSES AND LOOKS AT HER, HE SEES THAT SHE'S SERIOUS.

HYDE:

Then the future, looks like a somewhat small house (pauses with a sly grin) with a lot of plants in it.

THEY KISS

KELSO:

(whispers to everyone on the couch) Wow, it is how he says it. Hyde's sexy.

EVERYONE LOOKS AT KELSO LIKE HE'S CRAZY.

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"Movin' Out"

Hyde moves out of the Forman's and Laurie moves in with Kelso and Fez.


	5. Movin' Out

"Movin' Out"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Billy Joel.

This episode would take place towards the end of Season 7. It would be episode 7-26.

I don't own anything, so don't sue. I'm just trying to fix the disaster that was Season 8.

A big thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read and review the previous episodes. I really appreciate it!

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT FORMAN BASEMENT. MORNING. A COUPLE OF WEEKS AFTER EPISODE 7-25. ERIC AND DONNA ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV. JACKIE IS SITTING IN HYDE'S CHAIR READING A WEDDING MAGAZINE. THERE ARE A FEW BOXES LAYING AROUND. HYDE COMES OUT FROM HIS BEDROOM CARRYING ONE BOX. HE DROPS THE BOX DOWN ON THE FLOOR BEHIND HIS CHAIR. EVERYONE TURNS TO LOOK AT HIM.

HYDE:

Well, I'm packed.

ERIC:

Hyde, that's all you have?

HYDE:

Yep. (he smiles) Amazing how easily you can pack five pairs of jeans and 50 tee shirts.

DONNA:

(to Jackie) It's so awesome that you guys are gonna be living right next door.

JACKIE:

(really excited) I know, we are so lucky that crazy bird lady finally died.

HYDE:

Yep, good for us. (pauses with a smile) Not so good for crazy bird lady.

DONNA:

You know, that's a great house. How can you guys afford it?

HYDE LEANS DOWN AND PATS JACKIE ON THE BUTT TO GET HER TO GET UP, SHE DOES. THEN HE SITS DOWN IN HIS CHAIR AND PULLS JACKIE BACK DOWN ONTO HIS LAP.

HYDE:

Well, we got a great deal on it on account of, (he looks a little disgusted) 100 birds lived there. I've spent the past week knee deep in feathers and bird crap. But, the house is finally clean and I got to spend a week away from Jackie so, all in all, it was time well wasted. (he and Jackie smile)

ERIC:

So, (with a teasing smile) I can't wait to see how you guys decorate. I'm picturing purple and pink striped wallpaper and lots of Led Zeppelin and ABBA posters.

DONNA:

(to Eric) Yeah, and one day they'll come home and the Led Zeppelin posters will have killed the ABBA posters.

JACKIE:

(rolls her eyes) Oh please, Donna. You have the worst taste in the world. Blind people have better taste than you. Our house is going to be amazing.

HYDE:

(smiling slyly and nodding)We stole a bunch of furniture from Jackie's house.

ERIC:

Really, (to Jackie) what did Pam say about that?

JACKIE:

(with an evil smile) Well, this morning we told her she donated it all to charity last night after she got home from the LOPP's annual Spring Fling Booze Cruise.

HYDE:

(with a grin) You know what they say - charity begins at home.

JACKIE:

And, (she pauses excitedly) Steven's letting me decorate one room however I want.

DONNA:

Really, which room?

JACKIE :

Our bedroom.

ERIC:

(to Hyde) Why the bedroom?

HYDE:

When I'm in the bedroom, I've got things to do and I don't care if I'm doing them while 50 stuffed unicorns watch. Plus, Jackie won't have sex with the lights on so it's always gonna be dark in there anyway.

JACKIE HITS HYDE, HE SMILES. KELSO AND FEZ ENTER THROUGH THE BASEMENT DOOR.

FEZ:

Alright, we are ready to move. Now, (with a pause) where is my whorey wife?

ERIC:

I can't believe my parents are making Laurie move in with you guys. (he smiles proudly) It's Red's most genius evil plan ever. (to everyone) Red told Laurie that she can't move back home until she has a job, so (he looks excited) she's never coming back.

JACKIE:

(to Fez and Kelso) Well, you guys better hurry up and move Laurie so you can help Steven and I.

HYDE:

(to Jackie) Don't worry, it won't take long to move a couple of boxes of underwear, some tube tops and a lot of prescription drugs.

DONNA:

So, Fez, won't having Laurie around be a little weird? I mean what happens when you bring a girl home and she asks, "who's she?" and you have to say, "my wife".

FEZ:

(with a little laugh) Oh Donna, don't be silly. (he suddenly looks sad) I do not bring girls home.

HYDE:

Cheer up, Fez. Maybe Laurie will bring one home for you.

FEZ GIVES AN EXCITED SMILE. EVERYONE ELSE JUST LAUGHS.

END SCENE.

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT FEZ AND KELSO'S APARTMENT. LAURIE WALKS IN AND LOOKS AROUND IN DISGUST. FEZ AND KELSO ENTER. BOTH ARECARRYING BOXES.

LAURIE:

You've got to be kidding me. I can't believe I have to live in this hell-hole with you morons.

LAURIE ANGRILY GRABS THE BOX FEZ IS HOLDING.

LAURIE:(cont')

And for the last time I'll carry my own underwear!

FEZ:

(with a sad look) Ai, you're no fun.

KELSO SETS DOWN HIS BOX AND STROLLS OVER TO LAURIE.

KELSO:

Ok, look, Laurie. If you're gonna live here then there's gotta be some rules. Like, when I bring a chick home you've gotta leave.

KELSO PUTS HIS ARM AROUND LAURIE WITH A SMILE. SHE'S NOT AMUSED.

KELSO:(cont'd)

Unless the chick is into girl-on-girl action and then you can stay.

LAURIE:

(with a fake sweet smile she removes Kelso's arm from her shoulder) Oh we'll have some rules (the smile turns evil) but they're going to be my rules. Rule number one - you, (pointing to Kelso) now sleep on the couch. I get your room.

KELSO:

(loud and indignant) UH! Why don't you take Fez's room? (he points to Fez)

FEZ:

(to Kelso with a dirty look) Oh so this is how it's going to be. Fine. Don't sleep too soundly tonight, my friend.

LAURIE:

(again with fake sweetness to Kelso) Fez is my husband, I can't just kick him out of his room.

FEZ AND KELSO LOOK AT LAURIE LIKE THEY'RE NOT BUYING IT. LAURIE DROPS THE ACT.

LAURIE:

Fine. I know what he does when he thinks no one is watching. There is no way I'm sleeping in that bed.

FEZ GIVES HER A PERVERTED SMILE.

FEZ:

You're welcome to join me anytime, my lovely.

LAURIE:

(with a glare) I don't think so. Which brings me to rule number two. I'm not sleeping with either of you. (she points at them)

KELSO:

Actually, (with a dopey smile) I think what you meant to say was, "I'm not sleeping with either of you again." You've already slept with both of us.

LAURIE:

(shrugs) Say it however you want. It's not happening. I'm just living here until I find a job and get some money.

FEZ:

Oh my God. She will be here until the end of time..

LAURIE IGNORES FEZ AND KEEPS TALKING.

LAURIE:

Rule number three - when I bring guys over (pokes Fez) don't tell them we're married.

FEZ:

(staring her down) Oh I don't think so. You are not bringing any men into my apartment. The only man-whore allowed in here is Kelso.

KELSO:

You tell her, buddy!

LAURIE :

(pouting) God, you're like the worst husband ever!

FEZ:

(yells) How do you know, I'm the only husband you've had.

LAURIE:

(yelling back louder) Oh I've had lots of husbands. They've just been someone else's husband.

KELSO:

(yells at them interrupting) OK! I can't take the fighting anymore! (He throws his arms up in the air, exasperated) You know, you guys should just get divorced.

FEZ AND LAURIE JUST STARE AT EACH OTHER. THEY BOTH HAVE PUZZLED LOOKS ON THEIR FACES.

LAURIE:

Huh.

FEZ:

(looking guilty) I had not thought of that.

KELSO:

See, I'm not just a pretty face. (pointing at his head) I've got lots of brains too.

LAURIE:

Wow, I never thought I'd say this but, Kelso, you're a genius.

KELSO:

(yelling) Thank you! (to Laurie) So, you wanna celebrate by breaking rule number two?

LAURIE HITS HIM. KELSO HOLDS HIS ARM, RUBBING IT. HE LEANS INTO TO LAURIE.

KELSO:

(quietly and he looks confused) Hey Laurie, is that a yes or a no 'cause I know how you like the rough stuff.

LAURIE JUST ROLLS HER EYES AND HEADS INTO HER NEW ROOM STILL CARRYING HER BOX OF UNDERWEAR. LEAVING KELSO LOOKING CONFUSED AND FEZ LOOKING VERY SAD.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER.

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT FORMAN KITCHEN. KITTY IS CLEANING UP AT THE SINK AND RED IS READING THE PAPER. THEY BOTH LOOK A LITTLE DISTRACTED. HYDE COMES UP FROM THE BASEMENT AND STANDS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE KITCHEN AWKWARDLY.

RED:

(looks up from his paper) Did you get everything loaded up in the car?

HYDE:

(shifting uncomfortably) Yep. Got all the boxes loaded in the flatbed (with a sly smile) and Jackie's strapped to the roof.

KITTY STARTS BAWLING HYDE LOOKS GUILTY. HE WALKS OVER TO KITTY AND PUTS HIS HAND ON HER SHOULDER.

HYDE:(cont'd)

Mrs. Forman, I'm just kidding. Jackie's inside the car. (grins again) Forman's strapped to the roof.

KITTY:

I just can't believe you're actually leaving. Are you sure you want to go? (looking a little crazed) Jackie will never love you the way I do.

HYDE LOOKS AT KITTY STRANGELY. KITTY STARTS CRYING AGAIN AND RED JUST SHAKES HIS HEAD.

RED:

For God's sake, Kitty, the boy's only moving next door.

KITTY:

Yes, but who will take care of him?

RED:

Jackie.

KITTY:

Who'll be there to ask him about his day?

RED:

Jackie.

KITTY:

Who's going to cook for him.

RED STARTS TO ANSWER HER BUT KITTY CUTS HIM OFF.

KITTY:(cont'd)

And don't say, "Jackie", because I know that girl cannot cook. She won't even touch an egg. (starts crying again) And Steven loves eggs.

RED GETS UP FROM THE TABLE AND CROSSES TO KITTY PUTTING HIS ARM AROUND HER. SHE BURIES HER FACE IN RED'S CHEST.

RED:

He doesn't need eggs do you, Steven?

RED GESTURES TO HYDE, BEHIND KITTY'S BACK, TO OPEN THE FRIDGE. HYDE DOES SO AND RED POINTS TO THE BOTTLE OF WINE HYDE NODS AND GRABS IT.

HYDE:

(talking quickly) No, I like cereal too. Cereal boxes have prizes in them, so every meal will be like Christmas.

KITTY TAKES HER FACE OUT OF RED'S CHEST AND BEFORE SHE CAN TURN AROUND HYDE QUICKLY PUTS THE WINE BACK IN THE FRIDGE AND SHUTS THE DOOR. HE STANDS IN FRONT OF IT, AND TRIES NOT TO LOOK GUILTY.

KITTY:

(to Hyde) Well thank God you're not as skinny as Eric, because I think you're about to lose a lot of weight. Now, make sure Jackie puts whole milk in your cereal so you get some extra calories.

HYDE:

(with a small smile) I will.

KITTY:

And make sure Jackie cuts up the marshmallows in your hot cocoa because (looks like she's going to cry again) I don't want you to choke.

HYDE:

(he quickly nods) I will. (a pause) Mrs. Forman, you're going to see me all the time.

KITTY:

Oh, Steven.

KITTY GIVES HYDE A HUGE HUG.

KITTY:(cont'd)

We're so proud of the man you've become.

HYDE DOESN'T SAY A WORD, HE CAN'T. RED TOO CAN'T SEEM TO SAY ANYTHING. KITTY LETS GO OF HYDE. HYDE EXTENDS HIS HAND TO RED. RED LOOKS AT HYDE'S OUTSTRETCHED ARM AND INSTEAD HUGS HIM. HYDE SEEMS MOMENTARILY STUNNED BUT THEN HE HUGS RED BACK. WHEN THEY LET GO HYDE HEADS TOWARDS THE DOOR AS HE REACHES TO OPEN IT HE STOPS AND SLOWLY TURNS BACK TO RED AND KITTY.

HYDE:

I just want you to know... (he pauses and takes a deep breath) I know that none of this (he gestures outside) Jackie, the new house, (pauses with a mischievous grin) the fact that I'm not in prison, none of it would be possible without you two.

THE THREE OF THEM ARE MOTIONLESS, JUST LOOKING AT EACH OTHER. THEN KITTY LUNGES AT HYDE, HUGGING HIM AGAIN.

KITTY:

(quietly)You're a good boy, Steven.

HYDE:

(with a smile) Yeah, just don't tell anybody.

KITTY IS STILL HUGGING HYDE AND SHE WON'T LET GO. HYDE LOOKS TO RED FOR SOME HELP. RED TRIES GENTLY PULLING KITTY OFF OF HYDE.

RED:

(gently) Kitty, Kitty (a little irritated) Kitty, for God's sake he's coming back for dinner in six hours.

KITTY LETS GO OF HYDE AND LOOKS UP AT HIM.

KITTY:

Oh. (she laughs) Well, in that case, don't be late. (she laughs again)

HYDE GOES TO LEAVE AGAIN AND OPENS THE SLIDING DOOR. HE VERY SLIGHTLY TURNS AND TAKES ONE LAST LOOK AT THE KITCHEN AND THEN WALKS OUT. KITTY AND RED STAND IN SILENCE FOR A MOMENT AND THEN ERIC WALKS IN THROUGH THE KITCHEN DOOR. RED AND KITTY TURN AND STARE AT HIM. ERIC STARES BACK AND LOOKS A LITTLE NERVOUS.

ERIC:

(to Red) What?

RED:

(with a grin) You're next, pal.

RED'S SMILING, KITTY STARTS LOOKING SAD AGAIN AND ERIC LOOKS LIKE HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT JACKIE AND HYDE'S NEW BEDROOM. IT'S A LARGE ROOM WITH THE DOOR TO A BATHROOM ON ONE SIDE AND THE DOOR TO A CLOSET ON THE OTHER. THERE IS A BED WITH NO SHEETS AND A FEW PIECES OF FURNITURE AND LOTS OF BOXES. ERIC AND DONNA ARE IN THE ROOM UNPACKING BOXES. THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND KELSO RUNS IN LOOKING PANICKED.

KELSO:

(to Donna and Eric) Quick, I need a place to hide.

DONNA:

(looking at Kelso like he's crazy) Bathroom. (points to the bathroom)

ERIC:

Closet. (pointing in the other direction to the closet)

KELSO QUICKLY LOOKS BACK AND FORTH FROM THE CLOSET TO THE BATHROOM TWICE. THEN HE SHAKES HIS HEAD SPASTICALLYAND YELLS.

KELSO:

Just choose one!

AT THE SAME TIME DONNA AND ERIC BOTH POINT TO THE CLOSET. KELSO, WITH HIS BOX, RUNS INTO THE CLOSET. A FEW SECONDS LATER HYDE COMES RUNNING THROUGH THE DOOR. HE LOOKS AT ERIC AND DONNA. THEY BOTH POINT TO THE CLOSET. HYDE WALKS OVER TO THE CLOSET AND YANKS THE DOOR OPEN. KELSO IS STANDING THERE WITH HIS EYES CLOSED. HE OPENS HIS EYES AND GIVES HYDE A BIG, DOPEY SMILE. HYDE LOOKS PISSED HE KNOCKS THE BOX OUT OF KELSO'S HANDS AND THEN FROGGS HIM ON THE ARM.

HYDE:

Hands off Jackie's underwear, Kelso!

KELSO:

(indignant) Well, if I would've know those were the rules I never would have agreed to help you guys move.

KELSO STORMS OUT. HYDE JUST SHAKES HIS HEAD, PICKS UP THE BOX AND LEAVES. DONNA AND ERIC ARE LAUGHING.

DONNA:

You've gotta admire his persistence.

ERIC:

Well, when you find something you're good at, you should stick with it.

THEY GO BACK TO UNPACKING BOXES. DONNA SEEMS TO BE GETTING A LITTLE DEPRESSED AS SHE TAKES THINGS OUT OF BOXES.

DONNA:

You know, (looks at Eric) I always thought, when we unpacked boxes they'd be boxes with our stuff in them.

ERIC:

Well, I'm sure Hyde stole some of my records so technically some of this is our stuff.

DONNA:

(with a small laugh) Eric, I'm serious. (she hesitates slightly) Do you think we should talk about moving in together?

ERIC:

You and I do really well until we involve rings, college, trailers or weddings.

DONNA:

(she nods in agreement) That's true. But this time we could get a house without wheels.

ERIC:

(with a smile) That would be my choice yes. (very genuinely) Donna, do you know how much I love you?

DONNA SMILES AND PUTS HER ARMS AROUND ERIC'S WAIST.

DONNA:

I love you too, Eric, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

ERIC:

(he smiles) That sounds great. Because I'm conveniently available for the rest of my life.

DONNA:

(getting excited) Ok then, so let's start looking for our own place.

ERIC:

Donna, I just can't.

DONNA:

(rolls her eyes, irritated) Ok, fine. You can bring the Millennium Falcon.

ERIC:

No, it's not that. Although I would like that offer in writing later. (pauses and looks her in the eyes) Donna, I need to get my life in order before we can start our life together. After Jackie and Hyde's wedding I'm going back to work at the hotel. Roy said I could have my old job back.

DONNA:

Eric, is that really what you want to do.

ERIC:

I figured I could work during the days and on the weekends and then go to school at night.

DONNA:

But I'll never see you.

ERIC:

Donna, we've got our whole lives to see each other. And I'm not that interesting, so you should really enjoy your time alone for the next couple of years.

DONNA:

(pauses, thinking) How about this - I'm making good money at the radio station, what if I helped you pay for school?

ERIC:

Are you serious? You wanna be my sugar mama?

DONNA:

(laughs and hits him playfully) Shut up. (serious again) Look, you'd be working towards your future, which is our future, so let me help you do this.

ERIC:

(very sincere) Donna, I don't know how I'll ever be able to thank you for this.

ERIC KISSES HER AND THEN BREAKS AWAY AND GIVES HER A DIRTY SMILE

ERIC:(cont')

Of course, I'm willing to compensate you sexually.

DONNA:

(nods) Of course.

ERIC:

You are gonna get your money's worth, young lady.

DONNA LAUGHS AND ERIC LUNGES FOR HER. THEY START MAKING OUT.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT FORMAN HOUSE, HYDE'S OLD ROOM. THE ROOM NO LONGER HAS ANY OF HYDE'S THINGS IN IT. THE WALLS ARE BARE. THE COT STILL SITS THERE, NEATLY MADE. KITTY IS SITTING ON THE COT LOOKING VERY SAD. SHE IS HOLDING ONE OF HYDE'S SHIRTS IN HER LAP. RED ENTERS LOOKING CONFUSED.

RED:

Kitty, what in the world are you doing down here?

KITTY:

Well, Steven left one of his shirts so I thought I should probably go take it too him. He might be missing it.

RED:

You just washed all his tee shirts so it'll be about three months before he runs out of clean ones. He won't miss it until then.

KITTY:

(ignoring Red) You know where we went wrong, Red - we never should've let Eric have girls over. That's what started this whole mess. (looking a little crazed again) Girls are evil, Red. Especially Donna and Jackie. They're nothing but loose, porky-mouthed, precious-baby-boy-stealers.

RED:

Kitty, if we had only let Eric and Steven play with boys we'd be dealing with a whole other set of problems.

KITTY:

First Laurie leaves, now Steven's gone. Who's next Red? Eric?

RED:

God, I hope so.

KITTY:

(looks at Red, irritated) Oh you're no help at all.

RED:

Probably not. But I brought these. (he holds up a bottle of pills and shakes them) Your little yellow friends.

KITTY GIVES RED A DIRTY LOOK. HE TRIES AGAIN..

RED:(cont'd)

Would you rather I brought down your friends Bartles and James instead?

KITTY JUST GLARES AT RED WHO SMILES WEAKLY.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT HYDE AND JACKIE'S BEDROOM.. HYDE WALKS IN CARRYING A BOX.. DONNA AND ERIC ARE STILL UNPACKING BOXES. THE ROOM HAS A FEW MORE PIECES OF FURNITURE IN IT NOW.

DONNA:

(to Hyde) Please don't tell me that box has more clothing in it. Because I swear to God, if it does I'm jumping out the window.

HYDE:

No (looking annoyed) this is Jackie's collection of glass unicorns. She's a freak for these things, man. She even has a little choreographed dance number that she does with them.

HYDE HEADS TOWARDS THE CLOSET.

HYDE:(cont'd)

She wants me to put them on the top shelf of the closet until we're all unpacked so nothing happens to them. Like someone's gonna play with her stupid unicorns. I mean I could understand if they were Barbies 'cause then Fez would try and steal them for sure.

HYDE OPENS THE CLOSET DOOR AND KELSO IS STANDING INSIDE WITH A HUGE SMILE. HE KNOCKS THE BOX OUT OF HYDE'S HANDS AND IT CRASHES TO THE FLOOR WITH THE SOUND OF BREAKING GLASS. HYDE LOOKS DOWN AT THE BOX AND THEN GLARES AT KELSO.

KELSO:

(nervously) That didn't sound like underwear.

HYDE:

(pissed) It wasn't underwear you moron. Those were Jackie's glass unicorns.

KELSO:

(smiling) Oh, those things are great dancers.

HYDE FROGGS KELSO.

HYDE:

Jackie's gonna kill me, dillhole!

JACKIE CALLS FROM OUTSIDE THE ROOM.

JACKIE:

(voice only) Steven?

HYDE:

(looks panicked) Great!

KELSO:

Well, I think my work here is done.

KELSO STARTS TO LEAVE THE CLOSET HYDE SHOVES HIM BACK IN THEN HYDE PICKS UP THE BOX AND THRUSTS IT INTO KELSO'S ARMS. THEN HE SLAMS THE DOOR AND TURNS AROUND WITH HIS ARMS CROSSED AND LEANS AGAINST THE CLOSET DOOR, SMILING FAKELY, LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. JACKIE ENTERS THE BEDROOM.. SHE LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM SUSPICIOUSLY AND CROSSES TO HYDE.

JACKIE:

Steven, what's going on in here? I heard a big crash.

HYDE IS SMILING LIKE AN IDIOT AND STANDING BETWEEN JACKIE AND THE CLOSET.

HYDE:

What crash? Oh you mean this (he bangs his head against the closet) was that the noise you heard?

JACKIE:

No, (irritated) that was not the noise I heard. And stop smiling like that, you look creepy. (she turns to go and then stops and turns back to Hyde) Oh, and would you get my box of underwear down off the shelf in the closet and put them away in the dresser. I put them up there so Fez and Michael wouldn't find them.

JACKIE TURNS TO LEAVE AGAIN AND THERE IS A HUGE CRASH COMING FROM THE CLOSET HYDE STANDS THERE AND PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HAND. JACKIE SHOVES HIM OUT OF THE WAY AND PULLS THE DOOR OPEN. KELSO IS LYING ON THE GROUND WITH THE SHELF ON TOP OF HIM AND UNDERWEAR EVERYWHERE.

JACKIE:

(yells) Michael!

KELSO SITS UP AND LOOKS AROUND HE PULLS A PAIR OF UNDERWEAR OFF OF HIS HEAD.

KELSO:

(yelling, he points to Hyde) Hyde broke your unicorns!

ERIC AND DONNA BURST OUT LAUGHING. JACKIE JUST GLARES AT HYDE.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 5

INT FEZ AND KELSO'S APARTMENT. FEZ AND LAURIE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH. FEZ IS ON THE PHONE.

FEZ:

(talking on the phone) Uh, huh... yes I see... well is there anyway we can get divorced quicker than that? My wife is a big whore and I just want her to go away.

LAURIE HITS HIM IN THE ARM.

FEZ:(cont'd)

Ai! (rubs his arm and grimaces in pain) (into the phone) And she hits! Very hard! (he hisses quietly into the phone) I'm afraid for my private parts...yeah well... (yelling) thanks for nothing you son of a bitch!

FEZ SLAMS DOWN THE PHONE AND TURNS TO LAURIE WHO LOOKS REALLY IRRITATED.

LAURIE:

Well, what did the lawyer say you moron?

FEZ:

Umm... (hesitating) he said we can be divorced in three months.

FEZ QUICKLY JUMPS UP OFF OF THE COUCH AND STEPS AWAY FROM LAURIE WHO SURPRISINGLY DOESN'T LOOK MAD SHE SIMPLY LOOKS BORED.

LAURIE:

Oh. (pauses shrugging) Well, I guess that's not that long.

FEZ GOES FROM LOOKING TERRIFIED TO PUTTING ON ONE OF HIS REALLY BAD SEDUCTIVE GLANCES.

FEZ:

Long enough for you to get your fill of Fez.

FEZ STARES AT LAURIE WITH A SLEAZY SMILE LAURIE JUST ROLLS HER EYES.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 6

INT FORMAN HOUSE SHOT OF THE BASEMENT DOOR IN THE KITCHEN. THE DOOR OPENS AND RED AND KITTY COME OUT. SHE'S STILL HOLDING HYDE'S SHIRT. THEY GET A LITTLE FURTHER INTO THE KITCHEN AND THEY STOP WITH SURPRISED LOOKS ON THEIR FACES. CUT TO HYDE SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE READING THE PAPER.

HYDE:

(looks up from his paper like there's nothing unusual going on) Oh hey.

RED:

(confused) Steven, what are you doing here?

HYDE:

I told you I was coming over for dinner.

RED:

(looks at his watch) You're two hours early.

HYDE:

Yeah, well, (he shrugs) Jackie kicked me out.

RED:

Already? You've only been living together four hours.

HYDE:

(nodding) Yeah, I know. (smiles proudly) It's gotta be some kind of record.

KITTY:

(excited) Who cares why he's here. He's here! Well I'll just get started on dinner.

KITTY CROSSES OVER TO HYDE AND KISSES HIM ON THE TOP OF HIS HEAD.

KITTY:(cont'd)

You are always welcome anytime, Steven.

KITTY CROSSES BACK OVER TO RED AND WHISPERS TO HIM.

KITTY:

(with a giddy look) I don't know what I was so worried about. Every time Jackie kicks him out, he'll come over here. (giving Red a huge smile) He'll be here all the time.

HYDE:

Oh hey, is that my shirt? (points to the shirt in Kitty's hands) I've been looking for that one.

KITTY SMILES TRIUMPHANTLY AT RED WHO JUST ROLLS HIS EYES AND WALKS INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 7

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S LIVING ROOM A FEW HOURS LATER. IT'S THE LIVING ROOM FROM THE SEASON 3 EPISODE "TOO OLD TO TRICK OR TREAT, TOO YOUNG TO DIE" ALL OF CRAZY BIRD LADY'S OLD FURNITURE IS GONE AND SOME NEW FURNITURE IS THERE INSTEAD. THERE ARE BOXES LAYING EVERYWHERE. JACKIE IS SITTING ON THE FLOOR UNPACKING. HYDE WALKS IN. JACKIE TURNS AND LOOKS AT HIM, THEN SHE TURNS BACK TO HER BOXES POUTING. "JUST REMEMBER I LOVE YOU" BY FIREFALL IS PLAYING ON THE RECORD PLAYER.

HYDE:

Oh come on, Jackie. It was Kelso's fault.

JACKIE:

It's fine. (she shrugs) I'm over it, Steven.

HYDE:

(looks a little surprised) You are?

JACKIE:

Yeah well,( she holds up some records that have been broke in half) breaking some of your records helped.

HYDE:

(irritated) Jackie, what the hell?

HYDE CROSSES TO HER, TAKES THE RECORDS OUT OF HER HANDS AND LOOKS AT THEM. HIS EXPRESSION CHANGES FROM MAD TO SMILING AND NODDING IN APPROVAL.

HYDE:(cont'd)

These are Forman's records. (looks at Jackie with a wicked grin) Nice.

JACKIE LOOKS A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED.

HYDE:

(sets the broken records down on a box) Hey, I got you a present.

JACKIE JUMPS UP OFF THE FLOOR AND STARTS CLAPPING LIKE A LITTLE GIRL

JACKIE:

Is it a new glass unicorn?

HYDE:

No, it's better. (he pulls something out of his pocket and holds it out for her) Super glue.

JACKIE TAKES THE GLUE FROM HIM. SHE LOOKS AT IT IRRITATED THEN SHE SHRUGS AND SMILES SLIGHTLY.

JACKIE:

Close enough.

SHE LEANS OVER AND GIVES HIM A QUICK KISS. SHE SITS BACK DOWN AND GOES BACK TO UNPACKING. HYDE LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM.

HYDE:

Where is everybody?

JACKIE:

Oh they were hungry so they went to get a pizza. I offered to cook, but they didn't want cereal.

SUDDENLY JACKIE GETS A MISCHIEVOUS GLINT IN HER EYES. SHE GET UP OFF OF THE FLOOR AND CROSSES TO HYDE WRAPPING HER ARMS AROUND HIS WAIST.

JACKIE:

You know, (looking at Hyde, seductively) we could break in our new house.

HYDE:

(grinning at her)You read my mind.

CUT TO CIRCLE. "PEACEFUL EASY FEELING" BY THE EAGLES IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

HYDE:

It feels great to be breaking the law in my own house.

CUT TO JACKIE

JACKIE:

(slightly annoyed) Steven, this wasn't exactly what I had in mind.

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

Then what were you talking about?

CUT TO JACKIE

JACKIE RAISES HER EYEBROWS AND GIVES HIM A SEXY LOOK OVER HER SHOULDER.

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

(nodding and smiling wickedly) You are gonna be the best roommate ever.

END SCENE

EXT JACKIE AND HYDE'S FRONT DOOR. KELSO, FEZ, DONNA AND ERIC ARE ALL STANDING ON THE FRONT STEPS. KELSO IS HOLDING TWO CASES OF BEER AND DONNA HAS A PIZZA. ERIC KNOCKS ON THE DOOR AND WAITS, THERE IS NO ANSWER.

ERIC:

(irritated) Man, what the hell?

DONNA:

Why are we knocking?

THEY ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SHRUG. ERIC TRIES TO OPEN THE DOOR. IT'S LOCKED.

FEZ:

(angry - Fez style) I knew this would happen. We are growing apart. Our friendship is over. (he bangs on the door) Open up Jackie! You cannot have Hyde!

AFTER A FEW SECONDS THE DOOR OPENS A CRACK. HYDE STANDS BEHIND THE DOORWAY LIKE HE'S HIDING. HIS SUNGLASSES ARE OFF AND SO IS HIS SHIRT.

HYDE:

(very Zen) Oh. Hey guys.

KELSO:

God, it's about time. We've been standing out here forever. I was gonna have to start eating the pizza.

KELSO TRIES TO PUSH HIS WAY IN BUT HYDE IS BLOCKING THE DOOR.

HYDE:

Yeah, sorry. We've been (pauses trying to think of something to say) unpacking.

DONNA:

(not buying it) In the nude?

FEZ:

Oh Donna, everything is more fun in the nude.

HYDE:

Look, can you guys come back in about 20 minutes?

JACKIE:

(calling seductively from inside the house) Oh Steven ...

HYDE LOOKS BACK OVER HIS SHOULDER TOWARDS THE SOUND OF JACKIE'S VOICE AND THEN LOOKS BACK AT THE GANG ON THE STEPS.

HYDE:

Actually, just come back tomorrow.

HYDE DISAPPEARS AND SHUTS THE DOOR. EVERYONE IS LEFT ON THE DOORSTEP LOOKING AT EACH OTHER. SUDDENLY, THE DOOR OPENS AND HYDE REAPPEARS. HE GRABS THE PIZZA OUT OF DONNA'S HANDS AND SHUTS THE DOOR AGAIN.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

INT JACKIE AND HYDE'S KITCHEN. IT HAS A BACK DOOR AND SOME WINDOWS. IT'S VERY QUAINT ANDIT'S LESS MODERN LOOKING THAN THE FORMAN'S KITCHEN. THE ROOM HAS NO TABLE IN IT YET. HYDE AND JACKIE ARE SITTING ON THE FLOOR FACING EACH OTHER. HYDE IS WEARING SWEAT PANTS AND A TANK TOP. JACKIE IS JUST WEARING ONE OF HYDE'S TEE SHIRTS. THE BOX OF PIZZA IS IN BETWEEN THEM AND THEY ARE EATING IT. THE BACK DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND KITTY WALKS IN CARRYING A CASSEROLE. SHE ANGRILY SETS IT DOWN NEXT TO THE PIZZA AND GRABS THE PIZZA BOX. HYDE AND JACKIE LOOK AT HER LIKE SHE'S A LITTLE NUTS.

KITTY:

(loudly and irritated) He can't live on pizza, Jackie!

KITTY TAKES THE PIZZA AND STORMS OUT. JACKIE AND HYDE STARE AT EACH OTHER WONDERING WHAT IN THE WORLD JUST HAPPENED.

END EPISODE

UP NEXT...

"Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes"

The gang heads to Florida for one last blowout as singles. And Kitty makes Red help Bob through his depression.

AND THEN...

"Wonderful Tonight"

It's Jackie and Hyde's wedding day and love is in the air for everyone, with some surprising outcomes.


	6. Changes In Latitudes, Changes in Attitud

"Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Jimmy Buffet.

I own nothing so don't sue. I'm just trying to fix the disaster that was Season 8. This would be episode 7-27, the second to last episode for Season 7. Season 8 will be up soon.

Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to read and review the previous episodes. I really appreciate it!

ACT 1

SCENE 1

EXT FORMAN DRIVEWAY. MORNING. ABOUT A WEEK AFTER THE PREVIOUS EPISODE. HYDE AND BOB ARE FINISHING TYING SUITCASES ONTO THE ROOF OF THE VISTA CRUISER. JACKIE COMES OUT OF THE HOUSE CARRYING HER MAKEUP CASE. RED IS UNDER THE HOOD OF THE CRUISER. ERIC AND DONNA ARE SITTING ON THE PATIO CHAIRS LOOKING AT A MAP.

BOB:

Well, you kids are all set. You know I don't know why you want to drive all the way down to Florida. You can come over to my house. I'll turn up the heat, make pina coladas and you'll never know the difference.

DONNA:

Thanks, Dad, but I think we'll pass. Besides, I'm sure you've got a ton of stuff to do while I'm gone.

BOB:

(looks a little depressed) No, not really.

KITTY COMES OUT OF THE HOUSE CARRYING A SMALL COOLER WITH A HANDLE AND A GROCERY BAG.

KITTY:

Alright, I've made you some sandwiches for the road (she hands the cooler to Hyde, he puts it in the car) and here are some miniature boxes of cereal. (she hands the bag to Jackie) There's one for each of you. Make sure you eat breakfast. You can't drive for 24 hours on an empty stomach. (she laughs) Now did everybody go to the bathroom?

ERIC:

(looks up from his map and rolls his eyes at Kitty) Mom, please, we're not babies. (he looks around nervously and then slowly gets up and goes into the house.)

RED:

(to Hyde) Ok Steven, I've changed the oil, checked all the fluids and rotated the tires. Now, if you have any problems Jackie should know what to do.

JACKIE SMILES PROUDLY. DONNA GETS UP AND HEADS OVER TO BOB. JACKIE PUTS THE GROCERY BAG IN THE CAR. KELSO, FEZ AND LAURIE COME OUT OF THE HOUSE.

FEZ:

(he sighs dreamily and looks far away) Ahh... nude ocean swimming, it will be just like home.

LAURIE:

(with a wicked grin) Fez, I think I want to visit this country of yours.

KITTY:

(pulls Laurie aside) Now, Laurie, the last time you went somewhere with your brother and his friends you married Fez. So please try not to marry Michael or Steven because I just couldn't show my face in church if you became a polygamist.

LAURIE ROLLS HER EYES AND HEADS TOWARDS THE CAR. ERIC COMES OUT THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR. HE'S LOOKING AROUND MAKING SURE NO ONE SEES HIM.

HYDE:

(yelling to Eric) Hey, Forman, now that you're done going potty, can we get going?

ERIC:

(trying to look innocent he shrugs) What? I was just... I wasn't... (yells, indignant) I have a very small bladder!

HYDE CROSSES OVER TO THE FRONT SEAT PASSENGER SIDE DOOR HE REACHES TO OPEN IT AND KELSO APPEARS.

KELSO:

(to Hyde) Hey, man, where do you think you're going?

HYDE:

Shotgun. I'm the navigator.

KELSO:

I thought Donna was the navigator.

ERIC:

No, she's just the hot chick I put my arm around when I drive.

KESLO:

Well, I could be the navigator.

HYDE:

(with a mocking smile) Really, Kelso? Because sometimes you get lost going to the 7-11.

KELSO:

(looks a little hurt) Only when it's dark out.

HYDE:

Ok Kelso. I'll make you a deal (he takes the map from Donna) If you can find Florida on this map, you can be the navigator.

KELSO:

(excited) Deal!

KELSO GRABS THE MAP FROM DONNA AND UNFOLDS IT.

KELSO:(cont')

(with a grin to Hyde) Have fun in the backseat with Fez! He had a burrito for breakfast.

KELSO STARTS STUDYING THE MAP. HIS HUGE GRIN GETS SMALLER AND SMALLER AND IS REPLACED BY A LOOK OF CONFUSION. THE REST OF THE GROUP WATCHES HIM WITH LOOKS OF AMUSEMENT. HYDE STEPS UP, GRABS THE MAP FROM KELSO, TURNS IT RIGHT SIDE UP AND HANDS IT BACK TO HIM.

KELSO:(cont')

(sheepishly) I knew that.

KELSO GOES BACK TO LOOKING AT THE MAP. HE LOOKS SO CONFUSED, IT LOOKS LIKE HIS HEAD MIGHT EXPLODE.

KELSO:(cont')

(giving up) Fine!

KELSO STARTS TO FOLD THE MAP BACK UP, HE TRIES SEVERAL TIMES BUT HE CAN'T GET IT TO FOLD RIGHT. SO HE JUST SPASTICALLY CRUMPLES IT UP AND THROWS IT AT HYDE. HYDE GIVES A SMALL GRIN. KELSO CLIMBS INTO THE BACK SEAT.

KELSO:(cont)

(muttering under his breath) I hate the back seat. (notices the grocery bag) Ooh (he pops out of the open window holding a miniature box of cocoa puffs and yells excitedly) TINY CEREALS!

KELSO SLIDES BACK INTO THE CAR. FEZ AND LAURIE JOIN HIM IN THE BACK SEAT. DONNA GIVES BOB A HUG.

DONNA:

Bye Dad. Have fun while I'm gone.

BOB:

Oh don't worry about me. (he crosses over to Red) I'll just be hanging out with my good buddy Red. (Bob puts his arm around Red)

RED:

(staring at Bob) Don't touch me, Bob.

BOB:

Okie-dokie. (removes his arm)

KITTY:

Now, Eric, you be careful driving, watch out for deer (she pauses and looks a little worried) and eventually alligators.

ERIC:

Don't worry, Mom. We're all gonna take turns driving. (he turns to the gang) Right guys?

EVERYONE PAUSES AND LOOKS AT EACH OTHER AND THEN AT ERIC AND THEY QUICKLY AGREE WITH HIM.

THE GANG:

(everyone says something different) Oh yeah. Sure. Absolutely. Of course.

ERIC TURNS BACK TO KITTY AND SMILES. THE GANG ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER LIKE - THERE'S NO WAY THEY'RE DRIVING. NOW LAURIE, FEZ AND KELSO ARE IN THE BACK SEAT WITH HYDE, DONNA AND ERIC IN THE FRONT JACKIE IS STANDING OUTSIDE OF HYDE'S OPEN DOOR.

HYDE:

Come on, Jackie, (he pats his lap) saddle up. (he pulls her into the car onto his lap)

KELSO:

UH! How come Jackie gets to ride shotgun?

HYDE:

Well, technically, she's not riding shotgun. She's riding me. (Jackie smiles)

ERIC:

(dramatically) All right gang, this is it - our grand adventure, our last hurrah, our big bash, our -

DONNA:

(interrupts him) Eric.

ERIC:

Right. (he starts the car and yells) Paradise here we come!

CUT TO THE CAR DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD. _"TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE" _BY EDDIE MONEY IS PLAYING ON THE RADIO. IT'S PITCH BLACK OUTSIDE. EVERYONE BUT ERIC IS SLEEPING. IN THE BACKSEAT, LAURIE IS SLUMPED OVER ON FEZ'S SHOULDER. FEZ IS SNUGGLED UP TO KELSO. KELSO HAS HIS HEAD DANGLING OVER THE BACK OF THE SEAT, HIS MOUTH IS WIDE OPEN AND HE IS SNORING VERY LOUDLY. HE HAS BOTH HIS FEET ON THE BACK OF ERIC'S SEAT WITH ONE FOOT ON EACH SIDE OF ERIC'S HEAD. IN THE FRONT SEAT, HYDE HAS HIS HEAD ON A PILLOW LEANED UP AGAINST HIS WINDOW. HE HAS HIS ARMS AROUND JACKIE WHO IS CURLED UP ON HIS LAP. DONNA IS LEANING HER HEAD ON KELSO'S FOOT. ERIC IS WIDE AWAKE AND EXTREMELY PISSED.

ERIC:

(mutters) This isn't paradise. This sucks.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT FORMAN KITCHEN THE NEXT MORNING. BOB IS SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE EATING A DONUT AND HAVING SOME COFFEE. KITTY ENTERS FROM THE LIVING ROOM. SHE'S IN HER PAJAMAS AND ROBE AND SHE STILL HAS HER CURLERS IN HER HAIR. SHE STOPS IN HER TRACKS WHEN SHE SEES BOB.

BOB:

(with a smile) Morning, Kitty. (holding up a plate) I brought donuts!

KITTY:

(laughs nervously) Well that's just (pauses thinking) super. (she laughs again)

RED ENTERS ALSO STILL IN HIS PAJAMAS AND ROBE. KITTY LOOKS AT HIM, NERVOUSLY WAITING FOR HIS REACTION.

RED:

(seeing Bob) What in the hell?. (to Kitty) Now do you see what happens when you don't lock that door.

BOB:

(still smiling) I brought donuts.

RED:

Good. Bring them over to your house.

KITTY:

Now, Red, let's just sit down (she quickly pours two cups of coffee and sets them on the table) and enjoy some of Bob's delicious donuts. Look, (she picks up one of the donuts and shows it to Red) a jelly donut. Mmmm, nummy.

RED BEGRUDGINGLY TAKES THE DONUT FROM KITTY AND SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE. THE THREE OF THEM SIT IN SILENCE EATING THEIR DONUTS.

KITTY:

(nervously) Mmmm, good donuts.

BOB:

Yeah, I get them from that little Italian bakery over by the elementary school. I could take you over there later if you wanted.

KITTY:

(with a smile) Well, that would be just (pauses and stops smiling) a little odd actually.

THE THREE OF THEM GO BACK TO EATING IN SILENCE.

BOB:

This is nice.

ANOTHER LONG PAUSE. BOB JUST KEEPS EATING HIS DONUTS AND SMILING. KITTY LOOKS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE AND RED JUST LOOKS CRANKY.

BOB:(cont')

What should we do for lunch?

RED FROWNS AND KITTY LOOKS A LITTLE WORRIED. BOB'S STILL SMILING AWAY.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

EXT. THE VISTA CRUISER IN THE HOTEL PARKING LOT IN FLORIDA. MORNING. ABOUT 26 HOURS AFTER THEY LEFT WISCONSIN. EVERYONE IS STILL SLEEPING. ERIC STILL LOOKS REALLY PISSED. HE TURNS OFF THE CAR AND TURNS TO LOOK AT ALL HIS SLEEPING FRIENDS.

ERIC:

(yells loudly) WE'RE HERE!

EVERYONE JUMPS AWAKE. KELSO KICKS ERIC IN THE HEAD.

ERIC:(cont')

(rubbing his head, he yells) Ok! So far this is not the dream vacation I thought it would be.

FEZ:

(frantically crawling over Laurie) Move, woman! I have to pee.

FEZ SCRAMBLES OUT OF THE CAR AND TAKES OFF RUNNING.

HYDE:

(through clenched teeth) Jackie, you gotta get up. (he shifts her onto the seat between him and Donna)

JACKIE:

What's wrong?

HYDE:

I can't feel my legs.

HYDE GETS OUT OF THE CAR. JACKIE CHECKS HER REFLECTION IN THE REAR VIEW MIRROR AND THEN FOLLOWS HYDE OUT.

KELSO:

Wow, that drive flew by!

ERIC:

Of course it did. You bastards fell asleep somewhere in Kentucky. (irritated) Man, I thought we were all gonna take turns driving.

KELSO:

Well, here's the thing, Eric.(pats him on the shoulders) We lied.

KELSO GETS OUT OF THE CAR FOLLOWED BY LAURIE.

DONNA:

(kisses Eric on the cheek) Thanks for driving, Eric.

ERIC:

(pouting) You know what, you're not welcome.

DONNA:

Oh come on, Eric. (pauses) Ok, what if we all agreed to buy your beer for the whole trip.

ERIC:

Throw in a sea shell lamp and you've got a deal.

DONNA:

(laughing) You got it. (she kisses him)

DONNA GETS OUT OF THE CAR. ERIC DOESN'T MOVE.

DONNA:(cont')

Eric, let's go.

ERIC:

I'd love to, Donna, but my butt is actually stuck to the seat.

DONNA LAUGHS AND OPENS HIS DOOR, REACHING IN THE CAR SHE HELPS HIM OUT.

END SCENE

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT FORMAN KITCHEN. KITTY IS AT THE SINK WASHING DISHES. SHE NO LONGER IN HER PAJAMAS. BOB IS DRYING THE DISHES.

KITTY:

Well, this has been quite the morning. Who's ready for a Bloody Mary? (raising her hand) I know I am.

BOB:

Ooh, Bloody Marys, that sounds yummy.

KITTY;

You know, I have to say, Bob, I'm impressed that you help with the dishes.

BOB:

Yeah, well Joanne used to make me help with the dishes. She also made me fold the laundry, vacuum the house, make my own dinner. (pauses and frowns) She was mean.

KITTY:

Well I think it's very (she pauses looking for the right word) hip of you, Bob. You know these single women today, they like a man who's not afraid to help out around the house.

BOB:

Yeah, Donna's always trying to teach me about feminism. She thinks I'm listening, but really, I'm just thinking about the Packers. You know some of those feminists would probably make pretty decent football players.

BOB SMILES AND KITTY NODS IN AGREEMENT.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. HOTEL LOBBY. IT IS INCREDIBLY TACKY. POTTED PALM TREES ARE EVERYWHERE. IN THE CORNER IS A REALLY BAD STEEL DRUM BAND PLAYING _"VOLCANO"_ BY JIMMY BUFFET. THERE IS A SITTING AREA WITH OVERSIZED WICKER CHAIRS. THE WALLS HAVE DOLPHINS AND SEASHELLS PAINTED ON THEM. KELSO ENTERS THROUGH THE REVOLVING DOOR FOLLOWED BY LAURIE, DONNA AND JACKIE AND FINALLY, ERIC AND HYDE. EVERYONE IS CARRYING A BAG..

KELSO:

(looking around with a huge smile) Wow, this place is classy! (gets really excited) I bet they have those tiny shampoos in the bathroom.

DONNA:

Well, I guess we should check in.

LAURIE PULLS OFF HER SHIRT TO REVEAL A BIKINI TOP UNDERNEATH.

DONNA:(cont'd)

Laurie, what the hell?

LAURIE:

Relax, Donna. (she smiles wickedly) I'm gonna get us a room with a balcony.

DONNA:

Normally, I'd be offended, but a balcony sounds awesome. (she smiles excitedly)

LAURIE NODS IN AGREEMENT AND HEADS TO THE FRONT DESK. ERIC AND HYDE ARE WALKING A BIT BEHIND THE REST OF THE GROUP.

ERIC:

(rolling his shoulders) Man, I am so stiff.

HYDE:

(looking really uncomfortable and walking a little funny) You think you're stiff? I've had Jackie bouncing up and down on my lap in a vibrating car for the last 24 hours.

ERIC:

(looking at Hyde sympathetically) That's stiff.

HYDE NODS IN AGREEMENT AND ERIC WALKS AWAY. HYDE CATCHES UP TO JACKIE, GRABS HER ELBOW AND GENTLY PULLS HER BACKWARDS TO HIM.

HYDE:

(scanning the room like he's looking for something) Jackie, we gotta go.

JACKIE:

(looking at Hyde, confused) What? Where?

HYDE:

Anywhere.

HYDE TAKES HER HAND AND THEY SLIP AWAY FROM THE REST OF THE GROUP.

DONNA:

(looking around the lobby) You guys, where's Fez?

WE HEAR A WEAK, MUFFLED CRY.

FEZ:

(voice only) Help me.

CUT TO FEZ IN THE REVOLVING DOOR. HE JUST KEEPS GOING ROUND AND ROUND AND HE LOOKS A LITTLE ILL.

ERIC:

Oh great! Fez is stuck in a revolving door again.

KELSO:

(frantic) Somebody's gotta get him out of there.

DONNA:

I'm not doing it. You know he's gonna puke on whoever gets him out.

ERIC, KELSO AND DONNA ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER. EACH WAITING FOR THE OTHER TO VOLUNTEER.

ERIC:

(shrugs) Eh, he'll get out eventually.

THEY ALL WALK AWAY LEAVING FEZ SPINNING AROUND AND AROUND.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT HOTEL ROOM. THERE ARE TWO DOUBLE BEDS AND A NIGHT STAND WITH A LARGE SEASHELL LAMP ON IT. THERE IS A DOOR TO THE BATHROOM AND A SLIDING GLASS DOOR TO A BALCONY. WE CAN SEE THE BEACH THROUGH THE GLASS. ERIC WALKS IN FOLLOWED BY DONNA, LAURIE AND KELSO. THEY ALL STILL HAVE THEIR BAGS. ERIC WALKS OVER TO THE BALCONY, THROWING HIS BAG ON A BED ALONG THE WAY. THE OTHERS FOLLOW HIM AND ALSO SET DOWN THEIR BAGS.

ERIC:

Wow, a balcony and an ocean view. (turns to look at Laurie) I knew having a slutty sister would come in handy some day.

LAURIE:

(smiling sweetly at Eric) I told you.

THE DOOR SLAMS OPEN AND FEZ STANDS IN THE DOORWAY. HE LOOKS QUEASY AND IRRITATED AT THE SAME TIME.

FEZ:

Thanks for getting me out of the revolving door you sons of bitches. (gives a nervous grin) Thankfully, a very nice bellboy helped me out. (looking a little guilty) And then I rewarded him by throwing up all over his rubber sandals.

FEZ WALKS INTO THE ROOM AND SITS DOWN ON ONE OF THE BEDS. THEN, JACKIE AND HYDE COME THOUGH THE DOOR.

ERIC:

Where have you guys been?

HYDE:(at the same time) At the bar.

JACKIE:(at the same time) Shopping.

HYDE AND JACKIE COME IN THE ROOM AND DROP THEIR BAGS ON THE BED.

DONNA:

What should we do first?

JACKIE;

Ooh, let's go layout.

FEZ:

I want a drink with an umbrella in it.

KELSO:

Let's go find a wet tee shirt contest.

HYDE:

(with a sly grin) Or...

CUT TO CIRCLE _"IS THIS LOVE" _BY BOB MARLEY PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

KELSO:

(with a dopey grin) Florida is just like Wisconsin.

CUT TO ERIC AND DONNA

ERIC:

Guys, we came all the way down here and now we're sitting in a hotel room doing this? (nodding and laughing) This is the perfect vacation!

CUT TO FEZ AND LAURIE

FEZ:

(he has the seashell lamp shade on his head) My perfect vacation would be a trip to Candyland.

LAURIE:

You know what's fun? Strip Candyland.

CUT TO KELSO

KELSO:

We don't do enough naked stuff.

CUT TO HYDE AND JACKIE

HYDE:

(looking a little angry and paranoid) Oranges come from Florida, man. So do lemons and limes. Florida's got a monopoly on the citrus market. But do you see the government doing anything about it? No. Do you know why they don't do anything about it? Because Florida gives Congress free tickets to Disney World.

JACKIE:

I don't eat citrus fruit. Citrus fruit makes your face pucker and puckering gives you wrinkles.

CUT TO DONNA AND ERIC

DONNA:

(looks a little spacey) I bet I could surf without a board. (getting excited) If I found the right wave I could just stand up and my feet would carry me in.

CUT TO KELSO

KELSO:

(jumps a little he's so excited) I GOT IT! Naked surfing.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT FORMAN KITCHEN AFTERNOON. RED, IN HIS MUFFLER SHOP UNIFORM, COMES IN THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR AND POKES HIS HEAD INTO THE KITCHEN, LOOKING AROUND. KITTY ENTERS FROM THE LIVING ROOM.

RED:

(whispering) Psst... Kitty, is Bob here?

KITTY:

No Red, Bob is not in the kitchen.

RED:

(steps into the kitchen) Thank God.

BOB ENTERS FROM THE LIVING ROOM.

BOB;

Is that Red?

RED:

(in an accusing tone) Kitty?

KITTY:

(to Red) You asked if Bob was in the kitchen. You didn't ask if he was in the living room.

BOB:

Good day at the shop, Red?

RED:

Oh yeah, busy, real busy. In fact, I should probably get back there.

BOB:

Great! I'll go with you.

RED:

No Bob. (very matter-of-fact) You should go home. And by home I mean your house, not mine.

BOB:

Aw geez, Red. My house is all empty. (looks depressed) You know since I lost Midgey and Joanne and Pam and then Midgey again, I've been a lonely guy.

RED:

(with fake sympathy) That's too bad, Bob. (pauses) Hey, I've got an idea, you can have Schotzie.

KITTY:

Oh, I don't think that's a good idea. Bob reminds Schotzie of his near death experience with the statue.

RED:

Bob, you need to focus on the good times. Think about the fact that you managed to even get a woman like Pam or Midge. Because I gotta be honest with you, Bob - if Midge was a little brighter and Pam didn't drink so much they probably never would have gone out with you in the first place.

BOB:

(nodding in agreement) That's true.

RED:

There, you see? Feel better?

BOB:

A little.

RED:

(smiles) Good. (frowning again) Now go home, Bob.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

EXT. AN OUTDOOR CABANA BAR. LATE MORNING. THE NEXT DAY. _"ESCAPE (THE PINA COLADA SONG)" _BY RUPERT HOLMES IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. THERE IS A BARTENDER BEHIND THE BAR AND PEOPLE IN SWIMSUITS ARE WALKING AROUND. SEATED AT THE BAR, LAURIE AND FEZ ARE BOTH HAVING LARGE TROPICAL LOOKING DRINKS WITH UMBRELLAS IN THEM. SEATED NEXT TO THEM, HYDE, KELSO AND ERIC ARE ALL HAVING A BEER. LAURIE IS WEARING A VERY TINY BIKINI, KELSO, FEZ AND ERIC ARE SHIRTLESS AND WEARING SWIM TRUNKS. HYDE, OF COURSE, IS WEARING JEANS AND A TEE SHIRT.

LAURIE:

(to Fez, with a big smile) And that's how you play Strip Candyland.

FEZ:

(looks at her with admiration) Laurie, you are a genius! You have combined my two great loves; candy and nakedness.

JACKIE AND DONNA COME UP BEHIND THE GUYS. THEY ARE WEARING SWIMSUIT COVERUPS.

JACKIE:

Ok Steven. We're going down to the beach now. (she gives him a kiss and then turns to leave but stops and turns back) Ooh, I almost forgot, (she points to all the guys at the bar) we are all going to the ballroom dancing lessons at 7:00 tonight. You all need to practice for my wedding. (a little snotty) I don't want you guys looking like spazoids on the dance floor. The last time we all went to a wedding people thought Eric was having a seizure.

ERIC:

(defensive) I have a very unique dancing style.

DONNA:

Laurie, are you ready?

LAURIE:

Yep.

LAURIE HOPS OFF HER BARSTOOL AND CROSSES OVER TO JACKIE AND DONNA. AS SHE DOES JACKIE AND DONNA TAKE OFF THEIR COVERUPS, REVEALING THEIR SWIMSUITS. JACKIE HAS ON A BIKINI AND DONNA IS WEARING A ONE-PIECE. KELSO'S JAW DROPS AS HE STARES AT THE GIRLS.

KELSO:

(to the other guys) You guys are just gonna let your women walk around the beach like that.

ERIC:

(sarcastically to Kelso) Well, they might look silly in snow suits.

KELSO:

(shrugs) I'm just saying there's a lot of musclely, tan, oily lifeguards down there just waiting for hot chicks to drown so they gave give them mouth to mouth.

HYDE TURNS AROUND ON HIS BAR STOOL TO FACE JACKIE. HE TAKES HER LEFT HAND AND PLACES IT ACROSS HER CLEAVAGE.

HYDE:

There. Problem solved.

KELSO:

Hyde, guys don't care if a girl as hot as Jackie is wearing a ring. In fact, (with a perverted smile) a ring is like a challenge to foxy guys like myself.

HYDE:

You're right.

HYDE GETS OFF HIS STOOL AND TURNS TO JACKIE. HE TAKES HIS TEE SHIRT OFF AND PUTS IT ON JACKIE.

HYDE:(cont')

There you go. (he pats her on the butt and gives her a little shove.) Have fun.

JACKIE PULLS HER ARMS THROUGH HYDE'S SHIRT AND SCOOTS OFF. DONNA IS LEFT STANDING LOOKING AT ERIC. ERIC GRABS HER COVERUP AND HOLDS IT OUT TO HER. DONNA JUST LOOKS AT IT.

DONNA:

(to Eric) Get bent.

DONNA WALKS OFF. LAURIE GIVES ERIC AN EVIL SMILE.

LAURIE:

(to Eric) Wow, little brother, you just got burned while you're getting burned. (pokes him on his sunburned shoulder)

LAURIE WALKS OFF AND FEZ GETS UP AND STARTS TO FOLLOW HER. HYDE GRABS HIS ARM AND STOPS HIM

HYDE:

(to Fez) Hey, where are you going, man?

FEZ:

(excited) Laurie's going to teach me the rules to naked Twister.

ERIC:

(to Fez) Hey Fez, keep your eye on the girls, ok?

FEZ SMILES WITH PERVERTED GLEE.

HYDE:

Forman, are you crazy?

ERIC:

(thinks for a second) Right. Fez, keep your hands off the girls.

FEZ FROWNS AND HE WALKS OFF, FOLLOWING THE LADIES. THE THREE REMAINING GUYS TURN BACK TO THEIR BEERS.

KELSO:

Finally, the chicks are gone. (looking around the bar) Now how's about we pick up some new ones.

HYDE FROGS HIM IN THE ARM.

KELSO:

DAMN HYDE! Just 'cause your life is over don't take it out on me.

ERIC:

(looking at his watch) Ooh guys, we've gotta drink up. We've got bocci ball at noon, cribbage at two and shuffleboard at three.

HYDE:

(looking at Eric with disgust) What are you, like, 100?

KELSO:

Yeah Eric, those are old people games.

ERIC:

(with a small grin) There's free beer and shrimp cocktail.

CUT TO HYDE, KELSO AND TWO OLD MEN, SAUL AND VINNIE, PLAYING SHUFFLEBOARD. ERIC IS SEATED AT A TABLE WITH A LARGE BOWL OF SHRIMP COCKTAIL AND AN OLD MAN, ELI, THEY ARE PLAYING CRIBBAGE. THE GUYS HAVE PUT THEIR SHIRTS BACK ON AND THEY ARE ALL DRINKING A BEER. THERE ARE LOTS OF OLD MEN PLAYING DIFFERENT GAMES, THEY ARE ALL DRESSED IN REALLY TACKY HAWAIIAN SHIRTS WITH PLAID SHORTS AND LOTS OF GOLD JEWELRY. _"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" _BY FRANK SINATRA IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

KELSO:

(with a big, dumb smile) I LOVE shuffleboard!

HYDE:

(looking around) I just realized why it's so peaceful here. (smiles and nods) No women.

SAUL:

(to Hyde) What you think we play these games because we like them? We play them because women hate them. But stay away from the ballroom dancing. That place is crawling with broads.

KELSO:

(laughing) Yeah, Hyde's getting married next week.

SAUL:

Eh, marriage ain't so bad.

HYDE:

(to Saul) How long you been married, Saul?

SAUL:

(shaking his head) Fifty-two miserable years.(a beat) I've got a really loud wife. (shrugs) But I'm practically deaf now, so things are looking up.

VINNIE:

(to Hyde) You just gotta remember one rule. (he pauses like he's going to say something profound) Listen to your wife. Because your wife is always right.(points at Hyde) You remember that and you'll have an ok life.

HYDE:

Oh, I can't do that. I've gotta be right.

SAUL:

Then you're in big trouble, my friend.

ERIC:

(to Eli) How about you, Eli, how long have you been married?

ELI:

Forty- eight years. All of them wonderful.

SAUL:

(quietly to Hyde) Eli's kinda girly.

ELI:

Yep. I married my high school sweetheart. What a looker. I almost lost her a couple of times. But she stuck with me and we're still happy after all these years.

ERIC:

(looks like he's going to cry) That's beautiful.

HYDE:

(to Saul) Forman's kinda girly too.

THE GUYS ALL RETURN TO THEIR GAMES.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM. EARLY EVENING. RED IS IN HIS CHAIR READING THE NEWSPAPER. BOB IS SEATED ON THE COUCH EATING POTATO CHIPS. HE IS LAUGHING AT THE TV. KITTY IS NEXT TO HIM DOING HER NEEDLEPOINT. SHE KEEPS GLANCING, NERVOUSLY, AT RED, WAITING FOR HIM TO EXPLODE. RED LOOKS REMARKABLY AT EASE.

BOB:

I'd date Laverne or Shirley. (he smiles) Just think of all that free beer. What's on next? (he reaches forward and grabs the TV guide off of the coffee table) Oh goodie, "Welcome Back Kotter" I just love that John Travolta.

THE DOORBELL RINGS.

KITTY:

Who in the world could that be? (stands up and crosses to the door)

RED:

(looking up from his paper) If it's the cops tell them Steven's in Florida so whatever it is, he didn't do it.

KITTY OPENS THE DOOR AND JOANNE IS STANDING OUTSIDE.

KITTY:

(very excited) Oh my goodness, Joanne. (turns to Bob) Look Bob, it's Joanne.

KITTY HUGS JOANNE AND WON'T LET GO.

JOANNE:

It's nice to see you too, Kitty.

KITTY FINALLY LETS GO

KITTY:

(under her breath to Joanne) Please tell me you've come to for Bob. Because he's driving me crazy.

BOB STAND UP AND CROSSES BEHIND THE COUCH TO KITTY AND JOANNE.

BOB:

Hello, Joanne.

JOANNE:

Hi Bob. How are you?

BOB:

(shrugs) Well, I've been better. But then again, I've been worse so I can't complain.

JOANNE:

(looks a little uncomfortable) I ran into Donna a few weeks ago at the Charlie's Angels protest. She told me about Midge leaving again. I'd like to say I'm sorry, but I'm not.

KITTY:

That's sweet. Isn't that sweet, Bob?

JOANNE:

Do you think we could go to your house and talk, Bob? I brought donuts. (she holds up a box) I got them at -

BOB:

(interrupting her) That little Italian bakery. (with a big smile) Jojo, you remembered my favorite bakery.

KITTY:

Red, how come you don't know my favorite bakery?

RED:

(doesn't look up from his paper) I know your favorite liquor store.

BOB:

Well, Kitty, Red, will you take a raincheck on "Welcome Back Kotter"?

RED:

(to Bob) Let's just skip the raincheck, Bob.

BOB:

Okie-dokie. (he leaves)

JOANNE:

It was really nice to see you again, Kitty.

JOANNE TURNS TO LEAVE AND THEN TURNS BACK.

JOANNE:

(to Red, a little reluctantly) And thanks, Red.

JOANNE EXITS. KITTY SHUTS THE DOOR AND TURNS TO RED WHO LOOKS BACK DOWN AT HIS PAPER.

KITTY:

Now what was all that about?

RED:

(guiltily) Nothing, nothing.

KITTY:

You called Joanne, didn't you?

RED:

What? No I didn't.

KITTY:

(with a knowing smile) Ok. (pauses and says quietly) But I kind of think you did.

RED:

(gives up) Fine. (pointing at Kitty) But don't tell Bob.

KITTY:

Red Forman, you are such a softie. You don't even like Joanne.

RED:

Kitty, there are two great things about Joanne. One; you like her. And I like it when you like things, because then you yell less. And two; if Bob's with Joanne that means he's not with me.

KITTY CROSSES TO RED AND KISSES HIM ON THE TOP OF HIS HEAD.

END SCENE.

CUT TO BUMPER.

ACT 2

SCENE 5

EXT SHUFFLEBOARD DECK. _"WALK LIKE A MAN" _BY THE FOUR SEASONS IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. KELSO AND HYDE ARE STILL PLAYING SHUFFLEBOARD WITH SAUL AND VINNIE. ERIC AND ELI HAVE MOVED ON TO CHESS. JACKIE, DONNA, LAURIE AND FEZ APPEAR. THEY HAVE ALL CHANGED INTO NICE CLOTHES. JACKIE COMES UP BEHIND HYDE. HE HASN'T REALIZED THAT SHE'S THERE.

JACKIE:

(to Hyde a little irritated) What are you doing, you're not even dressed yet?

SAUL AND HYDE TURN AROUND TO FACE JACKIE.

SAUL:

(looking at Jackie a little relieved) Oh thank God, for a minute there I thought you were my wife.

HYDE:

Jackie, this is Saul.

SAUL:

(shaking Jackie's hand) Hyde, you didn't tell me she was so pretty (he pauses) or so loud. (gives Jackie a charming smile) Those are my two favorite qualities in a woman.

JACKIE:

Steven, I like your new friend. He's smart.

CUT TO FEZ, KELSO AND VINNIE. LAURIE IS ROAMING AROUND IN THE DISTANCE.

KELSO:

(with a huge smile) Hey Fez, this is Vinnie. He's been married six times and not one wife over 40. Isn't that awesome!

VINNIE:

I like my women like I like my steaks, fresh and juicy. Speaking of which who is that hot little number over there? (indicating Laurie)

KELSO:

Oh, that's Fez's wife.

VINNIE:

(to Fez) She is your wife.

FEZ:

(looks a little sad) Yes. But we are getting divorced.

VINNIE:

Oh buddy, not so fast, she's still got a few good years left in her.

CUT TO DONNA, ERIC AND ELI.

ERIC:

(to Donna) Isn't that amazing? He's known his wife since they were seven years old.

DONNA:

Wow, that's so cool.

ELI:

(to Donna) Well, you've got quite the young man here. He's been teaching me about Star Wars.

DONNA:

(with a laugh) Is that right?

ELI:

Yep, I think I'm going to try this Jedi mind trick thing on my wife.

ERIC:

Now, remember what I said, (very serious) it's all in the eyes.

CUT TO WHOLE GROUP

JACKIE:

Well, it was nice to meet all of you, but we're going to be late for ballroom dancing.(very bossy) Steven, let's go.

HYDE:

(irritated) Jackie, no. I told you I'm not going. Saul and I are gonna enter into the tournament tonight.

SAUL:

(to Hyde) Oh I can't play tonight. I'm going to the ballroom dancing lessons with my wife. We're all going (indicating Eli and Vinnie)

HYDE:

(to Saul) You told us to stay away from that crap.

SAUL:

Yeah, but that's before I realized your girl wanted you to go. (quietly to Hyde) Remember the rule. (whispers to Hyde) The rule is life.

HYDE LOOKS REALLY ANNOYED. JACKIE SMILES TRIUMPHANTLY.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

INT. A LARGE BALLROOM. _"SWAY" _BY DEAN MARTIN IS PLAYING. ERIC IS DANCING WITH DONNA NEAR ELI AND HIS WIFE. KELSO IS DANCING WITH A BLONDE GIRL WITH REALLY LARGE BOOBS NEAR VINNIE AND HIS VERY YOUNG WIFE. HYDE IS DANCING WITH JACKIE NEAR SAUL AND HIS WIFE. JACKIE AND SAUL'S WIFE HAVE THEIR BACKS TO EACH OTHER SO HYDE CAN SEE SAUL.

JACKIE:

(very excited and talking quickly to Hyde) So, tomorrow I thought we could take a walk on the beach at sunset.

HYDE LOOKS REALLY DEPRESSED HE LOOKS AT SAUL WHO GIVES HYDE A NOD.

HYDE:

Yes, dear.

JACKIE:

And then we can go shopping on the boardwalk for souvenirs.

HYDE AGAIN LOOKS AT SAUL. AND AGAIN SAUL GIVES HYDE A NOD.

HYDE:

Yes, dear.

JACKIE:

(with a huge smile) Steven, you are in such a good mood tonight. You know, (giving Hyde a seductive look) the room is empty right now if you're interested.

HYDE GETS A SMILE ON HIS FACE, HE LOOKS AT SAUL. HE GIVES HYDE A SMILE AND A THUMBS UP.

HYDE:

Oh hell yeah.

HYDE GRABS JACKIE'S HAND AND LEADS HER AWAY. SUDDENLY FEZ AND LAURIE APPEAR ON THE DANCE FLOOR. THEY ARE AWESOME DANCERS TOGETHER. EVERYONE BACKS UP TO WATCH THEM.

VINNIE:

(to Kelso) Oh yeah, he should hang on to her for another 10 years at least.

END EPISODE

UP NEXT...

"Wonderful Tonight"

It's Jackie and Hyde's wedding day and love is in the air, with some surprising out comes.


	7. Wonderful Tonight

"Wonderful Tonight"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Eric Clapton.

I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disaster that was Season 8. This episode would be the season finale of Season 7. It would be episode 7-28. This episode would be an hour long. Season 8 will be up next.

Thanks to everybody who has taken the time to review! And someone had asked about the phrase, "cut to bumper" the bumpers are the various shots of the cast members jumping, posing, etc. Sorry for any confusion. You guys are awesome! Just a little note; there are several songs referenced in this episode. If you haven't heard them, I recommend listening to them, they're good ones.

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S BEDROOM EARLY MORNING THE DAY OF THEIR WEDDING. THEY ARE BOTH SLEEPING. JACKIE IS LAYING ON HIS CHEST AND HYDE HAS HIS ARM DRAPED OVER HER. SUDDENLY JACKIE BOLTS UP IN BED WIDE AWAKE. SLOWLY, SHE GETS A HUGE SMILE ON HER FACE.

JACKIE:

(quietly to herself, like it's just sinking in) I'm getting married today.

EXCITEDLY JACKIE TURNS BACK TO HYDE. SHE PATS HIM ON THE CHEST.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

I'm getting married today!

HYDE OPENS HIS EYES AND LOOKS AT JACKIE. HE'S ONLY HALF AWAKE AND HE'S A LITTLE IRRITATED.

HYDE:

Yeah, I know that. 'Cause you're marrying me. (he closes his eyes) Now go back to sleep.

HYDE ROLLS OVER AND GOES BACK TO SLEEP. JACKIE POUTS A LITTLE.

JACKIE:

(to herself again) I can't sleep. I'm getting married today.

SUDDENLY HER FACE LIGHTS UP LIKE SHE'S GOT AN IDEA. SHE BREAKS INTO ANOTHER HUGE SMILE. SHE CHECKS TO SEE IF HYDE IS SLEEPING. THEN SHE CAREFULLY SNEAKS OUT OF THE BED. SHE PUTS A ROBE ON OVER HER NIGHTGOWN AND HEADS OUT OF THE BEDROOM.

CUT TO INT. FORMAN KITCHEN. RED AND KITTY ARE AT THE TABLE IN THEIR PAJAMAS HAVING BREAKFAST. JACKIE BURSTS IN THROUGH THE SCREEN DOOR WITH A HUGE SMILE ON HER FACE.

JACKIE:

(shouts at Red and Kitty) I'm getting married today!

JACKIE RUNS THROUGH THE KITCHEN AND OUT THE DOOR INTO THE LIVING ROOM. RED AND KITTY JUST STARE AT EACH OTHER WONDERING WHAT IN THE WORLD JUST HAPPENED.

CUT TO INT. ERIC'S BEDROOM. ERIC IS SLEEPING HIS DOOR SLAMS OPEN AND JACKIE STANDS IN THE DOORWAY.

JACKIE:

(with an enormous smile) I'm getting married today!

BEFORE ERIC CAN EVEN WAKE UP SHE TAKES OFF. ERIC SITS UP, LOOKS AROUND, SEES NO ONE SO HE SHRUGS AND GOES BACK TO SLEEP.

CUT TO INT. PINCIOTTI KITCHEN. DONNA, BOB AND JOANNE ARE ALL IN THEIR PAJAMAS HAVING BREAKFAST. THE DOOR OPENS AND JACKIE STANDS THERE SMILING.

JACKIE:

I'm getting married today!

JACKIE TURNS AND RUNS. DONNA SHAKES HER HEAD AND LAUGHS. BOB SMILES AND JOANNE LOOKS A LITTLE CONFUSED.

CUT TO INT. THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF FEZ, KELSO AND LAURIE'S APARTMENT. JACKIE STANDS OUTSIDE THE DOOR WITH A HUGE SMILE WAITING PATIENTLY. KELSO OPENS THE DOOR LOOKING REALLY IRRITATED. FEZ AND LAURIE ARE STANDING BEHIND HIM. BOTH ARE LOOKING REALLY DISHEVELED AND SLEEPY. THEY ARE ALL IN THEIR PAJAMAS.

JACKIE:

(strikes a pose) I'm getting married today!

KELSO NOW LOOKS REALLY CRANKY. HE SLAMS THE DOOR ON JACKIE. JACKIE JUST SMILES.

CUT TO INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S BEDROOM. HYDE IS SLEEPING ON HIS SIDE TURNED AWAY FROM THE DOOR. JACKIE QUIETLY SNEAKS BACK IN THE ROOM, TAKES OFF HER ROBE AND SLOWLY CLIMBS BACK INTO BED WITH HYDE. WITH A HUGE SMILE SHE SNUGGLES UP BEHIND HIM, WRAPPING HER ARMS AROUND HIS WAIST. HYDE TURNS OVER TO FACE HER AND WITHOUT EVEN OPENING HIS EYES PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND HER.

HYDE:

(half-sleeping) Where'd you go?

JACKIE:

(quickly) Bathroom.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY. A COUPLE HOURS LATER. JACKIE AND HYDE WALK UP THE DRIVEWAY. BOTH ARE CARRYING GARMENT BAGS AND JACKIE HAS HER MAKEUP CASE. IN THE DISTANCE WE CAN SEE THE PREPARATIONS TAKING PLACE IN THE FORMAN'S YARD. KELSO AND BOB ARE SETTING UP WHITE CHAIRS, ERIC IS HANGING TWINKLE LIGHTS ON THE FENCE AND FEZ IS STANDING IN THE DRIVEWAY GIVING ORDERS. DONNA IS STANDING NEXT TO HIM.

FEZ:

(yelling to Eric) More twinkle lights, dammit! I want this yard to shine like a disco ball!

JACKIE:

(with a big smile) Oh my gosh, Fez this place is going to look amazing!

FEZ:

(irritated) Well it will if Eric does his job right. (yells to Eric again) Does that look like a disco ball to you, you son of a bitch? (Fez turns back to Jackie) Jackie, I am so honored to be your wedding coordinator. (very dramatically) I won't let you down. (quietly, leaning in to Jackie) And don't worry, I will not let Donna do any decorating.

JACKIE NODS IN AGREEMENT. KITTY COMES OUT FROM THE HOUSE A LITTLE FRAZZLED.

KITTY:

Jackie, Steven I need you in the house. Pastor Dave is here and he has some things he wants to go over with the two of you.

HYDE:

Fine, but if he asks me to draw God again he's out of here.

HYDE AND JACKIE FOLLOW KITTY INTO THE HOUSE THEY WALK THROUGH THE KITCHEN WHERE JOANNE AND LAURIE ARE POURING CHAMPAGNE INTO GLASSES ON TRAYS.

KITTY:

(to Laurie) Make sure you save one of those bottles for me.

KITTY, JACKIE AND HYDE CONTINUE INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

CUT TO PASTOR DAVE SITTING ON THE COUCH. HE STANDS WHEN HE SEES THE OTHERS ENTER.

PASTOR DAVE:

Well hello, happy couple! (pauses and gives them a goofy smile) Now, you're sure you don't want me to sing during the ceremony? I brought my guitar just in case you've changed your mind.

HYDE:

(flatly) No thanks, Pastor Dave. We just need you to marry us, and then you can go.

KITTY:

(warning him) Steven...

HYDE:

Ok, fine, he can stay for cake.

PASTOR DAVE:

Ok well then, there's just a few things we need to go over, (giving Jackie and Hyde a look of disapproval) since you didn't want to go to pre-marital counseling.

JACKIE, HYDE AND PASTOR DAVE SIT DOWN ON THE COUCH. KITTY SITS IN RED'S CHAIR. PASTOR DAVE PICKS SOME PAPERS UP OFF OF THE COFFEE TABLE AND SHUFFLES THROUGH THEM.

PASTOR DAVE:(cont'd)

Now then, are you two kids going to recite your own vows or do you just want to use the standard vows already prepared?

JACKIE:(at the same time) We'll use our own.

HYDE:(at the same time) We'll use yours.

THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER, CONFUSED

HYDE:

(to Jackie) Wait, what?

JACKIE:

(a little irritated) Steven, we talked about this weeks ago. Remember?

HYDE:

Well, there's the problem. You see, for the past month anytime I heard the word wedding, I automatically stopped listening.

JACKIE:

(gives Hyde her best puppy dog eyes) But I wanted us to write our own vows. It's more meaningful and romantic.

HYDE:

Jackie, I think we should go with Dave's vows. I mean his were written by God. And I gotta tell you whatever God came up with is gonna be a whole lot better than anything I think of.

PASTOR DAVE:

(with an uncomfortable smile) Now I don't want to stick my nose were it doesn't belong, but, this is exactly the kind of issue we could've addressed in pre-marital counseling.

HYDE GIVES AN IRRITATED LOOK TO PASTOR DAVE AND JACKIE SILENTLY POUTS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER. ALL BUMPERS FOR THIS EPISODE WILL HAVE WEDDING THEMED BACKGROUNDS; BELLS, CAKES, RINGS, ETC.

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. LAURIE'S BEDROOM. A COUPLE OF HOURS LATER. JACKIE IS SEATED AT LAURIE'S VANITY PUTTING MAKE UP ON. HER HAIR IS IN HOT ROLLERS AND SHE'S WEARING A SLIP. DONNA, STILL WEARING JEANS AND A SHIRT, IS SEATED ON LAURIE'S BED, TRYING TO PAINT HER NAILS. LAURIE IS STANDING BEHIND JACKIE LOOKING OVER JACKIE'S SHOULDER INTO THE MIRROR. LAURIE IS WEARING A PURPLE BRIDESMAID'S DRESS. SHE IS PULLING DOWN THE SHOULDERS OF THE DRESS TRYING TO REVEAL MORE CLEAVAGE. JACKIE IS WATCHING LAURIE IN THE MIRROR.

JACKIE:

(irritated) Laurie, when I asked you to be a bridesmaid it was under the condition that you wouldn't do anything slutty. So, pull up the dress.

LAURIE:

(rolling her eyes) Fine.(she pulls the dress back up)

DONNA:

Jackie, explain to me again why you asked Laurie to be a bridesmaid?

JACKIE:

I told you, Donna, as it turns out, I don't actually have any friends besides you (she shrugs) and Laurie was gonna be here anyway so I figured, why not.

JACKIE TURNS AND SMILES SWEETLY AT LAURIE, WHO SMILES BACK. THEN JACKIE TURNS HER ATTENTION BACK TO DONNA.

JACKIE:(cont')

Donna, focus! (indicating the nail polish) You're not painting a house, you're painting your nails.

DONNA:

(frustrated) I'm right-handed. How am I supposed to paint my right hand?

JACKIE:

Oh, you're hopeless. Here, (Jackie gets up and joins Donna on the bed) I'll do it you lumberjack. You know, you are so lucky to have me.

DONNA:

(with a small smile) And you remind me of that everyday.

THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR, IT OPENS SLIGHTLY AND KITTY PEAKS IN. SHE IS ALL DRESSED UP IN A PURPLE "MOTHER OF THE GROOM" DRESS.

KITTY:

Jackie, you have a visitor.

KITTY PUSHES THE DOOR OPEN A BIT TO REVEAL PAM IS STANDING NEXT TO HER.

PAM:

(striking a pose) Surprise!

JACKIE:

(looking a little shocked) Mom? I thought you were in Europe?

PAM:

(with a wave of her hand) I was, but I got fed up with Europe. Did you know they don't speak English there? (she comes in the room and starts fussing with Jackie's rollers) Besides, I couldn't miss my only daughter's first wedding. Although you do realize this means I probably won't come to your next wedding.

JACKIE:

(annoyed) Mom, I told you, this is my only wedding.

PAM:

(with a snotty laugh) Oh Jackie, you're so young.

JACKIE:

(rolls her eyes and turns back to Donna) Whatever, Mom.

KITTY:

(trying to help) Jackie, don't you have something Pam could help you with?

JACKIE:

(reluctantly) Well, I guess you could paint Donna's nails. (with a smile) You should see her try and do it, Mom. She's such a spazoid.

PAM:

(patting Jackie on the head) Well don't worry, sweetheart, because I will take care of Donna. You just worry about making yourself as beautiful as me. (she gives a fake laugh) .

PAM SITS ON THE BED WITH DONNA AND JACKIE SMILES AND GOES BACK TO HER MAKEUP MIRROR. KITTY LOOKS REALLY EXCITED.

KITTY:

Oh good, (she laughs) everyone's happy. We should celebrate. Who wants wine? (she produces a bottle of wine from behind her back)

THE LADIES ALL RAISE THEIR HANDS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

EXT FORMAN DRIVEWAY A SHORT WHILE LATER. LEO IS STANDING IN THE DRIVEWAY LOOKING AROUND LIKE HE'S LOST. HYDE COMES OUT FROM THE KITCHEN.

HYDE:

(with a smile) Hey Leo, man, you made it.

LEO:

(grins at Hyde and looks around) Hey man, this place looks real nice. Look (pointing) twinkle lights. Hey, are you throwing me a party, man?

HYDE:

No, remember, I'm getting married today.

LEO:

Wow! You're getting married, that's great, man. Hey, (he pauses like he's got a great idea) you should marry loud girl. She really loves you, man.

HYDE:

(pats Leo on the back) That's a good idea, Leo. I think I'll do that.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, ABOUT AN HOUR BEFORE THE WEDDING. ERIC AND KELSO ARE ON THE COUCH AND FEZ IS IN THE LAWN CHAIR. THEY ARE ALL HAVING A BEER AND WATCHING TV. THEY'RE STILL WEARING THEIR EVERYDAY CLOTHES. HYDE COMES OUT FROM HIS OLD ROOM. HE'S GOT HIS TUXEDO PANTS AND A DRESS SHIRT ON. HIS SHIRT IS UNTUCKED AND UNBUTTONED AND HE'S WEARING A TANK TOP UNDERNEATH. HE SEES THE GUYS SITTING AROUND AND HE LOOKS REALLY ANNOYED.

HYDE:

What the hell, man? You guys aren't even dressed yet?

KELSO:

Hyde, I don't like those tuxedo pants. They don't flatter my natural bulge.

FEZ:

(pouting) Yes, and they are very uncomfortable. How am I supposed to do my robot dancing?

HYDE:

(to Eric) What's your excuse?

ERIC:

(shrugs) I don't really have one. I'm just lazy.

KELSO:

(with a perverted smile) Man, I can't wait to see Angie.

HYDE:

(giving Kelso a dirty look) Well too bad 'cause she's not coming.

KELSO:

What? (he looks a little disappointed) But I look extra foxy today.

HYDE:

(goes and sits in his chair) Yeah well, when my dad found out about you and Angie he transferred her. (a beat) To Los Angeles. Ok guys, listen, we've only got about an hour til the wedding and none of us are even close to ready. So, you know what that means.

CUT TO CIRCLE

HYDE:

(very mellow) Ok, now I'm ready to get married. So, any of you morons got any last-minute advice for me?

CUT TO KELSO

KELSO:

(with a big, dumb grin) Ooh, ooh, ooh (raises his hand excitedly) I do! DON'T MARRY JACKIE!

HYDE FROGS HIM. KELSO RUBS HIS ARM IN PAIN.

CUT TO FEZ

FEZ:

I recommend lots of liquor and the threat of deportation. (with a perverted Fez smile) Hey, it worked for me.

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

My advice would be to just show up. (nodding his head) Girls get really mad if you don't show up.

CUT TO KELSO

KELSO:

(shaking his head disgustedly) Women.

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

(in disbelief) I know!

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

(looking around at his friends) Yeah, I think I'm gonna seek my advice elsewhere.

CUT TO INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM. CLOSEUP OF BOB. ALL THE LINES ARE DELIVERED INTO THE CAMERA.

BOB:

If you and Jackie decide to date other couples,(a little sad) make sure you're better looking than the other guy.

CUT TO LEO

LEO:

(with a big, spaced-out grin) Make sure you write down your wife's address, man.

CUT TO PASTOR DAVE

PASTOR DAVE:

Go to church every Sunday. (he looks sad) I'm sorry. I've got nothing. I've never actually been with a woman.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 6

INT. RED'S GARAGE. A FEW MINUTES LATER. RED, DRESSED IN HIS TUXEDO MINUS THE BOW TIE, IS HAVING A BEER. HYDE ENTERS.

RED:

(a little nervously) Does Kitty know I'm here?

HYDE:

No.

RED:

Good. Let's keep it that way. I know she's going to make me talk to people. And you know how I feel about people. (noticing Hyde looks a little uneasy) What's the matter with you?

HYDE:

(trying to be Zen) Me? Nothing. I'm cool.

RED:

(with an amused smile) Really? Because you look nervous as hell.

HYDE:

(getting defensive) Hey, I might be a mess on the inside, but on the outside I still look cool.

RED:

Don't worry, just repeat everything Dave says and for God's sake don't lock your knees. I don't want you passing out in my yard.

HYDE:

(nodding) Good to know.

HYDE WAITS A MINUTE, LIKE HE'S HOPING RED MIGHT SAY SOMETHING ELSE. WHEN HE DOESN'T, HYDE TURNS TO LEAVE.

RED:

(calling after Hyde) Oh, and Steven -

HYDE:

(stops and turns back to Red) Yeah?

RED:

(with a sly grin) When Kitty and I got married I was so nervous I threw up on my best man's shoes.

HYDE:

(cracking a smile) I wish I could've seen that. (he starts to go and then turns back )Oh yeah, by the way,(with a wicked grin) Pam's here.

HYDE EXITS. RED TAKES ONE MORE DRINK OF HIS BEER AND THEN QUICKLY EXITS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 7

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, A SHORT WHILE LATER. EVERYONE IS NOW DRESSED FOR THE WEDDING. NEAR THE STAIRCASE HYDE IS TALKING WITH W.B. FEZ AND LAURIE ARE HAVING A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE BY THE BOOKCASE. KELSO AND ERIC ARE ON THE COUCH HAVING A BEER. RED IS BEHIND THE BAR MIXING DRINKS FOR BOB AND JOANNE. KITTY COMES IN FROM THE KITCHEN, SHE LOOKS AROUND, A LITTLE FRANTICALLY, FOR RED. SHE SPOTS HIM AND HEADS TO THE BAR.

KITTY:

Red, I need you outside. People are starting to arrive and I just realized I don't like most of them. (she notices Red is dressed in his tuxedo) Oh Red, you look so handsome.

RED:

(very irritated) Kitty, I look so ridiculous I want to put my foot up my own ass.

KITTY:

(smiling at Red) Well I think you look just dreamy. You're like James Bond. (she laughs and then does a "James Bond" voice) Shaken not stirred. (laughs again)

RED RELUCTANTLY GIVES HER A SMILE AND FOLLOWS HER INTO THE KITCHEN. PAM COMES DOWN FROM UPSTAIRS AND CROSSES TO HYDE AND W.B.

PAM:

(smiling at W.B.) Steven, why don't you introduce me to your friend.

HYDE:

(irritated) W.B, this is Jackie's mom, Pam. (to Pam) This is my dad, William Barnett.

W.B.

(with a charming smile) A pleasure to meet you, Pam.

PAM:

(flirting) Steven, you didn't tell me you father was so sexy.

HYDE LOOKS BACK AND FORTH AT THE TWO OF THEM AND QUICKLY STEPS IN BETWEEN THEM SHAKING HIS HEAD.

HYDE:

Oh no. You two stay away from each other. (points at his dad) I don't wanna be Jackie's step-brother.

PAM POUTS AND W.B. HEADS OUT TO THE KITCHEN. PAM SPOTS BOB AND SAUNTERS OVER TO THE BAR. HYDE JOINS KELSO AND ERIC ON THE COUCH. CUT TO BOB, JOANNE AND PAM AT THE BAR.

PAM:

(flirting) Hi Bobby.

JOANNE:

(gives Pam a fake smile) Back off, bimbo.

PAM GIVES A NERVOUS LAUGH AND THEN HEADS INTO THE KITCHEN. BOB GIVES JOANNE A BIG, DOPEY SMILE AND THEN THEY HEAD INTO THE KITCHEN.

CUT TO LAURIE AND FEZ.

FEZ:

Laurie, you look beautiful. You are like a beautiful, purple princess. (he pauses and then adds, with a dirty smile) With a fabulous rack.

LAURIE:

(looking Fez up and down) Yeah well, you don't look so bad yourself. (with a tiny smile)You know, Fez, I'm kinda gonna miss you when we get divorced. Where else am I gonna find someone to give me pervy compliments that I barely understand.

FEZ:

I must confess, I will miss you too. This is the most time I've ever spent with a woman. (looks a little guilty) Well except for all those nights I spent in Donna's closet.

DONNA COMES DOWN THE STAIRS. SHE'S NOW DRESSED IN HER BRIDESMAID DRESS.

DONNA:

Ok, well I think Jackie's finally ready. And thank God because I cannot hear, (doing a "Jackie" voice) "look how beautiful I am Donna" one more time.

KELSO:

(getting up off the couch) Finally! Let's hurry up and finish this marriage crap so we can party!

HYDE:

(starts to look ver un-Zen) What, you mean she's all dressed and ready to get married?

DONNA:

(sarcastically) Well, she's a little overdressed for a trip to the Hub if that's what you had in mind.

HYDE:

Ok. (he stands up and tries to look zen) Let's do this. (pulling on his bow tie) Is it a little hot in here? (goes back to his pretend zen) Let's get married. (patting his pants pockets and the his coat pocket.) Where are my sunglasses? (pointing at the group) Give me my sunglasses or somebody dies!

DONNA:

(very amused she crosses to Hyde) No way, Hyde. Jackie made me swear on Eric's life that those sunglasses would not touch your face for the rest of the day. (points at Hyde) And she's not bluffing. She'll kill Eric without ever even messing up her hair. So look all you want. (now she's taunting him) 'Cause you're never gonna find them!

HYDE:

(very serious and a little nuts) Donna, I don't care where my sunglasses are. I don't care if you've put them down Kelso's pants. I want them!

KELSO:

(quietly to Hyde) Oh don't worry, if they're down my pants some chick will find them tonight.

ERIC:

(looking at his watch) Ok the time is 2:58. Who had 2:58?

FEZ PULLS A PIECE OF PAPER OUT OF HIS POCKET AND UNFOLDS IT. EVERYONE GATHERS AROUND HIM TO LOOK AT IT.

ERIC:

And the winner is ... (looking at the paper very amused) Well, what do you know. The winner is Jackie Burkhart.

HYDE:

(looking at everyone) What the hell is going on?

FEZ:

This is our, "when will Hyde freak out" pool. (with a smile) You should be honored, so many people bet Jackie just won fifty dollars.

HYDE:

(irritated) I can't believe you losers bet on me.

ERIC:

(with a mocking laugh) Oh please, you know we can't pass up a sure thing and I'm sorry but you freaking out at your wedding was a sure thing.

A VERY IRRITATED JACKIE YELLS FROM UPSTAIRS.

JACKIE:(voice only)

Ok listen up! I can't come down until Steven is gone so somebody get his butt outside before my hair starts frizzing!

EVERYONE LOOKS AT HYDE WONDERING WHAT TO DO. HYDE JUST PAUSES AND LOOKS AT EVERYBODY.

HYDE:

You guys wanna have a beer?

EVERYONE JUST SHRUGS AND GRABS A SEAT. ERIC AND LAURIE GO TO THE BAR TO GET SOME DRINKS.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

EXT. FORMAN BACK/ SIDE YARD. THE YARD IS COMPLETELY TRANSFORMED. IT LOOKS BEAUTIFUL. THERE ARE LIGHTS ALL ALONG THE FENCE AND THE WALL THAT COVERS THE STAIRS TO THE BASEMENT. THERE ARE ABOUT 30 WEDDING GUESTS SITTING IN WHITE CHAIRS THAT ARE SEPARATED INTO TWO SECTIONS BY A WHITE AISLE RUNNER LAID ON THE GRASS. THERE ARE LILACS TIED WITH WHITE TULLE EVERYWHERE. AT THE END OF THE AISLE IS AN ALTAR THAT IS A RAISED WHITE PLATFORM WITH AN ARBOR OVER IT. THE ARBOR ALSO HAS LIGHTS AND LILACS ON IT. PASTOR DAVE, DRESSED IN HIS PASTOR'S ROBE, IS STANDING ON THE ALTAR HOLDING A BOOK. THE ONLY FAMILIAR FACES AMONG THE GUESTS ARE BOB AND JOANNE WHO ARE SEATED ON THE BRIDE'S SIDE. AND LEO WHO IS SEATED ON THE GROOM'S SIDE. PAM AND W.B. ARE STANDING ON THE PORCH WAITING TO TAKE THEIR SEATS.

CUT TO INT. FORMAN KITCHEN. EVERYONE IS PAIRED OFF AND LINED UP WAITING TO GO OUTSIDE. AT THE BACK OF THE LINE ARE ERIC AND DONNA. DONNA IS STRAIGHTENING ERIC'S TIE AND LAPEL. IN FRONT OF THEM ARE KELSO, FEZ AND LAURIE. KELSO AND FEZ ARE PLAY-FIGHTING LIKE TWO KIDS WHILE LAURIE WATCHES IN AMUSEMENT. FIRST IN THE LINE ARE HYDE AND KITTY. SHE HAS HER ARM THROUGH THE CROOK IN HIS ELBOW. HYDE IS NERVOUSLY FIDDLING WITH HIS BOW TIE.

KITTY:

(fussing with Hyde's jacket) Now, Steven, don't walk too slowly because I'm a little uncomfortable with all these people staring at me. (laughs nervously) But for goodness sake don't run down the aisle either because I will never be able to keep up with you.

HYDE:

(looks nervous) Ok, Mrs. Forman.

KITTY:

Smile, Steven. (Hyde puts on a scary looking fake smile) Ooh that's too much, you look a little creepy. (he frowns and Kitty looks sad) Well now you just look mean.

HYDE:

(with a very strange looking smile) Ok, Mrs. Forman.

KITTY:

Oh, and don't step on my dress. (she laughs) I don't want to trip. (with a worried look) Ooh that's another thing; don't trip because that would just be so embarrassing (laughs again)

HYDE:

(looking very uncomfortable) Mrs. Forman?

KITTY:

Yes, Steven?

HYDE:

Please don't talk anymore.

CUT TO EXT. FORMAN YARD

A SINGLE VIOLINIST STANDING BY THE BASEMENT STAIRS WALL STARTS PLAYING "CANNON IN D". W.B. AND PAM APPEAR AT THE START OF THE AISLE W.B. ESCORTS PAM DOWN THE AISLE, SHE WAVES AND GIVES PHONY SMILES AS THEY WALK. WHEN THEY REACH THE ALTAR SHE HEADS TO THE LEFT SIDE OF THE CHAIRS AND SITS, W.B. GOES TO THE RIGHT.

NEXT ARE KITTY AND HYDE. KITTY WALKS DOWN THE AISLE DOING A VERY EXAGGERATED STEP-TOGETHER WEDDING WALK. HYDE LOOKS AT KITTY AND GIVES A SMALL SMILE. THEY REACH THE END OF THE AISLE AND HYDE GIVES HER A KISS ON THE CHEEK.

KITTY:

(getting teary-eyed she looks at Hyde) Make Jackie happy, Steven. (with a nervous smile) And try not to kill each other.

HYDE SMILES AND KITTY TAKES HER SEAT NEXT TO W.B. SHE LEAVES AN EMPTY SEAT NEXT TO HER FOR RED. HYDE TURNS TO FACE THE GUESTS AND STANDS IN FRONT OF THE CENTER OF THE ALTAR JUST TO THE RIGHT OF PASTOR DAVE.

LAURIE IS ESCORTED BY BOTH KELSO AND FEZ. SHE IS CARRYING A BOUQUET OF LILACS.

KELSO:

(quietly as they walk) You're a lucky chick, Laurie. Right now you're the sweet, creamy filling in a Keslo and Fez twinkie.

FEZ:

(smiling at Laurie) No, she is like the delicious chewy gum in the center of a blowpop.

LAURIE LOOKS AT BOTH OF THEM LIKE THEY'RE CRAZY. THEY REACH THE ALTAR AND THEY SPLIT UP. LAURIE STANDS, FACING THE GUESTS, ON THE LEFT SIDE. KELSO AND FEZ STAND NEXT TO HYDE.

NEXT, ERIC AND DONNA HEAD DOWN THE AISLE. THEY ARE BOTH SMILING, THEN ERIC STARTS LOOKING AROUND AT THE WEDDING GUESTS. HE STARTS TO LOOK A LITTLE NERVOUS, THEN HE LOOKS FREAKED-OUT.

ERIC:

(whispering to Donna as they walk) Donna, all these people are staring at me. Do I have something on my face?

DONNA:

(looks at Eric and laughs) No. But you do now. (she kisses him)

DONNA AND ERIC REACH THE ALTAR AND THEY SPLIT OFF. DONNA JOINS LAURIE AND ERIC JOINS THE GUYS. HE STANDS BETWEEN HYDE AND KELSO.

THE VIOLINIST STARTS PLAYING "HERE COMES THE BRIDE". ALL THE GUESTS STAND AND TURN TO LOOK BACK.

JACKIE AND RED APPEAR. JACKIE LOOKS BEAUTIFUL IN HER DRESS AND VEIL AND SHE IS BEAMING. SHE IS CARRYING A LARGE, WHITE BOUQUET. RED HAS A SMALL, BUT PROUD, SMILE.

CUT TO HYDE AS HE NERVOUSLY TAKES A DEEP BREATH. THEN, SLOWLY, HE SMILES. HE DOESN'T TAKE HIS EYES OFF JACKIE AS SHE WALKS TOWARDS HIM.

CUT BACK TO JACKIE AND RED AS THEY WALK DOWN THE AISLE. WHEN THEY REACH THE ALTAR HYDE STEPS FORWARD TO MEET THEM. JACKIE TURNS TO RED AND GIVES HIM A KISS ON THE CHEEK.

JACKIE:

(very sweetly) Thank you, Mr. Forman.

RED NODS AND THEN HE TAKES HER HAND OUT OF THE CROOK OF HIS ELBOW AND PUTS IT IN HYDE'S HAND. HYDE TAKES ANOTHER NERVOUS BREATH, THEN HE NODS AT RED. RED PATS HYDE ON THE BACK AND THEN HE TURNS AND JOINS KITTY IN THEIR SEATS.

JACKIE:

(whispers to Hyde) Hey.

HYDE:

(with a small grin) Hey yourself.

JACKIE:

(very excited) Everyone is staring at me. Isn't that great!

HYDE JUST GRINS AND SHAKES HIS HEAD. THE VIOLINIST STOPS PLAYING. EVERYONE IN THE WEDDING PARTY TURNS TO FACE PASTOR DAVE.

PASTOR DAVE:

(to the guests) Please be seated (the wedding guests sit) Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the joining together of two people; Jacqueline Beu-

JACKIE:

(interrupts him angrily) Don't even think about it.

PASTOR DAVE;

(looking a little scared) OK. Jacqueline Burkhart and Steven Hyde. (he pauses and looks out at the wedding guests) Marriage is a groovy thing. (trying to act cool and hip) It's two people making a life-long commitment to each other. And God likes that. Because God is groovy, just like marriage.

JACKIE AND HYDE STARE AT PASTOR DAVE LIKE HE'S CRAZY.

PASTOR DAVE:

(smiles uncomfortably) Ok. Well let's just get to it, then.(he opens the book he is holding and then turns to Jackie) Jackie, take Steven's hands and repeat after me.

JACKIE TURNS AND HANDS HER BOUQUET TO DONNA THEN SHE TAKES BOTH OF HYDE'S HANDS.

PASTOR DAVE:(cont')

I, Jackie, take you Steven, to be my wedded husband.

JACKIE:

(smiling sweetly) I, Jackie, take you Steven, to be my wedded husband.

PASTOR DAVE:

To have and to hold, from this day forward

JACKIE:

To have and to hold, from this day forward

PASTOR DAVE:

For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health

JACKIE:

For better, for worse, for richer, (she pauses and rolls her eyes a little) for poorer, in sickness and in health

PASTOR DAVE:

To love and to cherish, 'till death do us part.

JACKIE:

(starting to cry) To love and to cherish, 'till death do us part. (Hyde reaches up and brushes a tear off of Jackie's cheek)

PASTOR DAVE:

(to Hyde) Ok, Steven, your turn.

KELSO:

(fake coughing into his hand) Don't do it.

JACKIE, HER TEARS TEMPORARILY FORGOTTEN, SHOOTS KELSO A NASTY LOOK. AND HYDE LOOKS AT KELSO LIKE HE MIGHT REACH OVER AND PUNCH HIM. KELSO LOOKS AT THEM AND SMILES NERVOUSLY AND THEN HE FROGS HIMSELF IN THE ARM.. JACKIE AND HYDE TURN BACK TO PASTOR DAVE.

PASTOR DAVE:

I, Steven, take you Jackie, to be my wedded wife.

HYDE:

(looks at Jackie and says quietly) I, Steven, take you Jackie, to be my wedded wife.

PASTOR DAVE:

To have and to hold, from this day forward

HYDE:

(a little louder) To have and to hold, from this day forward

PASTOR DAVE:

For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health

HYDE:

For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health

PASTOR DAVE:

To love and to cherish, 'till death do us part.

JACKIE TILTS HER HEAD AND STARES AT HYDE WITH A TEASING SMILE. HYDE PURSES HIS LIPS, RAISES HIS EYEBROW AND STARES BACK.

HYDE:

To love and to cherish, 'till death do us part.

JACKIE SMILES TRIUMPHANTLY.

PASTOR DAVE:

(to Eric) Now, if I could have the rings.

HYDE TURNS TO ERIC AND ERIC REACHES INTO HIS POCKET. SUDDENLY HIS FACE LOOKS PANICKED. HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY. HE REACHES INTO HIS COAT POCKET AND THEN HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY AGAIN. BY NOW JACKIE IS LOOKING LIKE SHE'S GOING TO SCREAM AND HYDE IS LOOKING PISSED.

JACKIE:

(in a threatening tone to Eric) You lost our rings?

HYDE:

(turns to Jackie, trying to help) Calm down, Jackie. I'm sure Forman didn't lose our rings. (he pauses, unsure what to say) He probably just wanted to give me one last chance to back out.

NOW JACKIE REALLY LOOKS LIKE SHE'S GOING TO LOSE IT. HYDE TURNS BACK TO ERIC.

ERIC:

(quietly) Excuse me for just one minute.

ERIC RUNS DOWN THE STAIRS TO THE BASEMENT LEAVING EVERYONE STANDING AT THE ALTAR STARING AT HIM AS HE GOES. CUT TO RED.

RED:

(shakes his head watching Eric go) What a dumbass.

CUT TO INT. FORMAN BASEMENT. FAST SPEED ACTION. ERIC IS TEARING THROUGH THE BASEMENT. HE IS THROWING EVERYTHING AROUND; RECORDS, MAGAZINES, THE STUPID HELMET. HE RUNS INTO HYDE'S ROOM AND RUNS BACK OUT. HE LOOKS IN THE WASHER, THE DRYER, THE DEEP FREEZE. HE GETS ON THE FLOOR AND LOOKS UNDER HYDE'S CHAIR, THEN THE LAWN CHAIR AND FINALLY THE COUCH. HE STANDS UP HOLDING ONTO A BROWN PAPER BAG. HE LOOKS INSIDE THE BAG AND PULLS OUT TWO RINGS. HE KISSES THE RINGS. TOSSES THE BAG OVER HIS SHOULDER AND HEADS BACK UP THE STAIRS.

CUT TO EXT. WEDDING. PASTOR DAVE HAS HIS GUITAR OUT AND IS PLAYING IT. JACKIE IS STANDING, FURIOUS, WITH HER HANDS ON HER HIPS. DONNA LOOKS LIKE SHE'S TRYING NOT TO LAUGH. HYDE, KELSO AND FEZ ARE SITTING ON THE ALTAR. KELSO IS STARING BLANKLY INTO SPACE, FEZ IS SWAYING TO THE MUSIC AND HYDE HAS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS.

PASTOR DAVE:

(singing) Michael row your boat ashore, alleluia ...

ERIC RUNS UP FROM THE BASEMENT AND APPEARS BEHIND THE WALL.

ERIC:

(yells and his voice cracks) Found 'em!

PASTOR DAVE LOOKS A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED AND STOPS SINGING. THE GUYS ALL STAND BACK UP AND ERIC CROSSES OVER TO THEM.

ERIC:

(with a fake laugh) Here you go, buddy.

ERIC GIVES THE RINGS TO HYDE AND THEN LOOKS AT HIM, TERRIFIED.

ERIC:(cont'd)

(whispering) Please don't kill me.

HYDE JUST GRABS THE RINGS AND GIVES ERIC AN IRRITATED LOOK. THEN HE TURNS BACK TO JACKIE. JACKIE TAKES A DEEP BREATH TO COMPOSE HERSELF AND THEN GOES BACK TO SMILING.

PASTOR DAVE:

(putting down his guitar he takes the rings from Hyde) Ok then, let's get back to business shall we? Jackie,(gives her a ring) place the ring on Steven's finger and repeat after me, with this ring, I thee wed.

JACKIE:

(putting the ring on Hyde's hand with a huge smile) With this ring, I thee wed.

HYDE LOOKS DOWN AT THE RING ON HIS HAND LIKE HE CAN'T QUITE BELIEVE IT.

PASTOR DAVE:

(to Hyde, giving him a ring) Steven, place the ring on Jackie's finger and repeat after me, (he pauses and says to Hyde) with this ring I thee wed.

HYDE:

With this ring, I thee wed.

HYDE SLOWLY SLIDES THE RING ON JACKIE'S FINGER. THEN HE LOOKS AT HER LIKE HE'S IN SHOCK.

HYDE:

(quietly) Jackie, (he pauses) we're married.

JACKIE:

(she looks just as stunned) I know. (then she breaks into a huge smile) And look (she holds up her hand excitedly) two rings!

PASTOR DAVE:

(with a goofy grin) Then with the power invested in me by God and the beautiful state of Wisconsin. I now pronounce you man and wife. (Hyde and Jackie look at him, waiting) You may kiss the bride.

WITH A WICKED SMILE, HYDE MOVES IN TO KISS JACKIE AND STOPS INTERRUPTED BY KELSO.

KELSO:

(with a big, dumb smile) Make it a good one, Hyde!

HYDE:

(giving Kelso an irritated look over his shoulder) Thanks, man, I think I got it.

FEZ:

Yeah, (with a little hip action) put some boom-boom into it!

JACKIE:

(irritated she yells over Hyde's shoulder to Fez and Kelso)You are ruining the moment!

INSTANTLY, SHE PUTS A SMILE BACK ON AND LOOKS AT HYDE AGAIN.

JACKIE:

(quickly and quietly to Hyde) Ok, Steven, now remember our parents are watching so don't go overboard. But, I mean, make it romantic, cause I want...

HYDE:

(interrupting her) Jackie-

JACKIE:

Yes?

HYDE:

Shut your pie hole.

JACKIE QUICKLY CLOSES HER MOUTH. HYDE GRINS AND REACHES FOR HER. THEY KISS, WRAPPING THEIR ARMS AROUND EACH OTHER.

ERIC:

(quietly to Fez and Kelso) Holy crap. Jackie and Hyde are married.

FEZ:

(trying to comfort Eric) Oh Eric, do not be sad. (with a perverted grin) Watch them kiss.

JACKIE AND HYDE BREAK THEIR KISS, BUT KEEP THEIR FACES ONLY INCHES APART AND THEIR ARMS WRAPPED AROUND EACH OTHER.

PASTOR DAVE:

(to the guests) Ladies and gentleman, let me be the first to introduce, Mr. And Mrs. Steven Hyde.

DONNA:

(leans in and whispers to Laurie) Ten bucks she makes us call her Mrs. Hyde now.

LAURIE NODS IN AGREEMENT. HYDE GIVES JACKIE ANOTHER KISS AND THEN HE TAKES HER HAND. JACKIE REACHES BACK AND GRABS HER BOUQUET FROM DONNA AND THEN JACKIE AND HYDE WALK DOWN THE AISLE. THEY ARE FOLLOWED BY DONNA AND ERIC AND KELSO, LAURIE AND FEZ.

JACKIE:

(quietly to Hyde while they walk) So, how much money did we win?

HYDE:

(with a wicked smile) Fifty bucks.

JACKIE:

Suckers.

THEY SMILE EVILLY AT EACH OTHER AND THEN MAKE OUT LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 3

SCENE 1

INT. RECEPTION HALL. IT'S A LARGE ROOM AND IT IS BEAUTIFULLY DECORATED. THERE IS A DINING ROOM WITH SEVERAL TABLES OF EIGHT SET UP. SOME PEOPLE ARE SEATED AT THE TABLES OTHERS ARE WALKING AROUND, MINGLING. THERE IS A LARGE BAR AND A DANCE FLOOR. THE DANCE FLOOR HAS A STAGE SET UP WHERE A DJ IS PLAYING MUSIC. THE SONG, _"ROCK AND ROLL ALL NITE"_ BY KISS IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. KITTY, RED, BOB, JOANNE, PAM ,W.B, LEO AND PASTOR DAVE ARE SEATED AT A TABLE IN FRONT OF THE HEAD TABLE. SEATED AT THE LONG HEAD TABLE ARE: KELSO, LAURIE, FEZ, JACKIE, HYDE, DONNA AND ERIC. THEY ARE ALL SEATED ON THE SAME SIDE OF THE TABLE AND THEY ARE FACING THE REST OF THE TABLES. EVERYONE HAS A DRINK AND DINNER IN FRONT OF THEM.

ERIC:

(shaking his head like he's a little shell shocked) God, I can't believe two of us are really married.

FEZ:

(indignant to Eric) Hey, Laurie and I are married too.

ERIC:

(ignoring him) Like I said, I can't believe two of us are really married.

LAURIE:

(snotty) You know Eric, some people would say Fez and I have the perfect marriage. We don't talk about our feelings, we can sleep with other people and if I get drunk enough I let Fez make out with me. (She smiles at Fez)

FEZ:

(yelling and motioning to a waiter) Hey, buddy, more champagne for my lovely wife.

CUT TO JACKIE AND HYDE

JACKIE:

(very excited) Steven, did you see all of the presents we got?

HYDE:

Just remember, if any of them are wrapped in a brown paper bag, that means they're for me.

JACKIE:

(quietly to Hyde) Well, I have a present I think you're going to like.

HYDE:

(to Jackie) If it's dirty let's leave the table, if it's not it can wait 'till after dinner.

JACKIE:

(holds up his sunglasses) Surprise! (she smiles)

HYDE:

(Hyde takes the glasses from her and nods) Unlimited alcohol, good tunes and now this. Today has now become the new best day ever.

HYDE PUTS HIS SUNGLASSES ON AND GIVES JACKIE A KISS AND A SMILE.

CUT TO THE WHOLE GROUP

ERIC:

Donna, are you almost done eating? 'Cause I wanna get out on that dance floor. (with a fake sexy look) I've got some new moves that are gonna knock your socks off, young lady.

FEZ:

(excited) Yes, and I have choreographed a routine for Kelso and I to the tune of "Boogie Wonderland"

JACKIE:

(in a warning tone to Fez) Oh no. No stupid dance routines. I want a classy wedding.

ERIC:

(sarcastically) Then you should've chosen a different groom. (yells and points at Hyde) Wedding burn!

FEZ:

(pouting) No big dance number? What kind of party is this?

JACKIE:

(shrugs and smiles) Cheer up, Fez. Table 7 is full of all my bitchy cousins that I don't like but my mom made me invite. So, go nuts.

FEZ:

Are any of them whores?

JACKIE:

No, but some of them have been drinking a lot.

FEZ:

(clapping his hands) Ooh, that is even better!

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 3

SCENE 2

INT. RECEPTION HALL. KITTY AND JACKIE ARE WALKING THROUGH THE DANCE FLOOR TO THE BAR. IT'S A LARGE BAR WITH A COUPLE OF PEOPLE STANDING AROUND IT. ONE BARTENDER IS FIXING A DRINK AND STANDING WITH HIS BACK TO US. THE SONG, _"DO YA THINK _I'M_ SEXY?"_ BY ROD STEWART IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. ON THE DANCE FLOOR BOB AND JOANNE AND FEZ AND LAURIE ARE DANCING. HYDE, ERIC, KELSO AND DONNA ARE STANDING AROUND HAVING A DRINK.

JACKIE:

(sweetly to Kitty) Mrs. Forman, I wanted to get you something to say thank you for all your help with the wedding.

KITTY:

Oh Jackie, that is just so sweet!

JACKIE:

Well, here it is. (she gestures to the bar)

KITTY:

(excited she looks at the bar) You got me my own bar?

JACKIE:

(with a small laugh) No.

THE BARTENDER TURNS AROUND AND IT'S CASEY KELSO.

CASEY:

(with a smile) What'll it be, ladies?

KITTY:

(laughs nervously) Oh my goodness, Casey Kelso.

KITTY SITS DOWN AT THE BAR AND CASEY POURS HER A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE. JACKIE SHAKES HER HEAD AND LAUGHS AT KITTY.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 3

SCENE 3

INT. RECEPTION HALL. FEZ AND KELSO ARE SEATED AT A TABLE WITH SEVERAL CUTE, BITCHY-LOOKING GIRLS. KELSO IS MAKING OUT WITH ONE OF THEM. FEZ SITS NERVOUSLY NEXT TO A GIRL. WE CAN HEAR THE SONG, _"DANCE WITH ME"_ BY ORLEANS COMING FROM THE DANCE FLOOR.

FEZ:

(with his best sexy smile) So, you are Jackie's cousin?

COUSIN #1:

(looking very bored) Um hm.

FEZ:

I, am Jackie's friend. (pauses nervously) We have so much in common.(looks at the girl with a pervy smile) We should make out.

JACKIE'S COUSIN GIVES FEZ A DIRTY LOOK AND SCOOTS HER CHAIR AWAY FROM HIM. FEZ SMILES WEAKLY AND THEN POUTS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 3

SCENE 4

INT. RECEPTION HALL. THE BAR. CASEY IS LEANING ON THE BAR. DONNA AND ERIC ARE SEATED AT STOOLS. WE CAN SEE THE DANCE FLOOR IN THE BACKGROUND. THE SONG, _"COPACABANA"_ BY BARRY MANILOW IS PLAYING. HYDE IS DANCING WITH KITTY, SHE IS REALLY INTO THE SONG AND HYDE LOOKS EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE. FEZ IS DANCING WITH LAURIE AND JACKIE IS DANCING WITH KELSO. EVERYONE IS WATCHING KITTY DANCE AND THEY ARE ALL HAVING A LOT OF FUN. ERIC AND DONNA BOTH HAVE A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE IN FRONT OF THEM. ERIC LOOKS MISERABLE.

DONNA:

Casey, when did you become a bartender?

CASEY:

(with a smile) Pretty much as soon as I realized chicks love bartenders. See, dating a bartender is like being the First Lady; you get to do it with the most powerful guy in the joint..

ERIC:

(sarcastically to Casey) Perfect. So now women find you even more attractive. How great for you.

CASEY:

(to Eric) Relax, Foreplay, I'm not gonna try and steal Pinciotti back. To be honest with you, I don't have the time. I've got a waiting list now. (nodding) I'm harder to get into than Harvard.

ERIC:

Oh. (with a smile and a phony laugh) Well in that case, another glass of champagne, barkeep.

DONNA:

(with a small laugh) Eric, you better take it easy on the champagne. Remember last New Year's Eve when you drank all that champagne and then you went door to door dressed like Baby New Year and singing "Auld Lang Syne". (she smiles)

CASEY:

(to Eric) That was you? You scared the crap out of my mom.

ERIC JUST SHRUGS AND DOWNS HIS CHAMPAGNE. DONNA SHAKES HER HEAD AND LAUGHS AND CASEY REFILLS ERIC'S GLASS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 3

SCENE 4

INT. RECEPTION HALL, THE DINING ROOM. BACK AT THE TABLE WITH JACKIE'S SNOTTY, BUT GOOD-LOOKING COUSINS. KELSO IS MAKING OUT WITH A DIFFERENT GIRL AND FEZ SITS NERVOUSLY NEXT TO ANOTHER GIRL. THE SONG, _"DON'T STOP TIL YOU GET ENOUGH"_ BY MICHAEL JACKSON CAN BE HEARD COMING FROM THE DANCE FLOOR IN THE BACKGROUND

FEZ:

So, you are Jackie's cousin?

COUSIN # 2:

(very snotty) Yep.

FEZ:

(in a deep voice, with a sleazy smile) Well then today is your lucky day, baby! For one night only Jackie's cousins get free admission to Fez Town.

COUSIN # 2:

(rudely to Fez) I don't make out with foreigners.

FEZ:

(shrugs) Hey, in the dark we're all the same color.

THE GIRL ROLLS HER EYES AT FEZ AND WALKS AWAY. FEZ LOOKS SAD AND THEN ANGRY. HE DOWNS THE DRINK IN FRONT OF HIM.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 3

SCENE 5

INT. RECEPTION HALL, THE DANCE FLOOR. ALL THE GUYS NOW HAVE THEIR TUXEDO COATS OFF. JACKIE AND HYDE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DANCE FLOOR. THEY'RE NOT SO MUCH DANCING AS THEY ARE JUST STANDING THERE MAKING OUT. ERIC AND DONNA ARE DANCING, ERIC IS TRYING TO BE FANCY, HE'S TWIRLING DONNA AND DIPPING HER. DONNA IS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY AT HIM. FEZ AND LAURIE ARE DANCING A VERY CLOSE AND SEXY DANCE. KITTY AND RED ARE DANCING, KITTY IS SMILING, RED LOOKS A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE. _"MARGARITAVILLE"_ BY JIMMY BUFFET PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

CUT TO KITTY AND RED

KITTY:

(listening to the music) Ooh Margaritaville (she laughs) now that would be a fun place to live.

RED SHAKES HIS HEAD AND KITTY STARTS SWAYING TO THE MUSIC.

CUT TO FEZ AND LAURIE.

FEZ:

(trying to look seductive) So, Laurie, (he smiles like a little kid) what are your feelings on candy?

LAURIE:

(shrugs) It's ok, I guess. There are just other things involving my mouth I like better.

FEZ:

(wide eyed) Ooh, tell me more.

CUT TO ERIC AND DONNA. ERIC IS DANCING, VERY BADLY AND DONNA IS TRYING NOT TO LAUGH.

ERIC:

I'm a great dancer.

DONNA:

(laughing) No. You're not.

ERIC:

Ok, but I am a great singer. (sings) _"Wastin' away again in Margaritaville"_

DONNA:

(laughing again) No, you're not that either. (pauses, giving him a seductive look) But, you are a great kisser. And who needs singing and dancing when you can just make out?

ERIC:

(gives Donna a huge smile) You're great.

DONNA JUST LAUGHS AND THEY START MAKING OUT.

CUT TO JACKIE AND HYDE

JACKIE IS STARING AT HYDE, LUSTFULLY.

JACKIE:

(quietly in a husky voice) God, you are so sexy in that tux.

HYDE RAISES HIS EYEBROW AT HER.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

I just wanna rip it off you and tie you up with it!

HYDE GRABS JACKIE BY THE HAND AND STARTS LEADING HER AWAY FROM THE DANCE FLOOR.

JACKIE:

(looking around at everyone) Steven, what are you doing? We can't just leave our own wedding.

HYDE:

Oh we're not leaving. (giving her a sexy smile) We're just gonna find a room with a door that locks.

JACKIE SMILES AND LEANS INTO HYDE FOR A KISS. HE LEADS HER OFF THE DANCE FLOOR.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 4

SCENE 1

INT. RECEPTION HALL, A CLOSED DOOR IN THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF THE DINING ROOM AND DANCE FLOOR. WE CAN HEAR MUFFLED MUSIC COMING FROM INSIDE THE OPEN DOUBLE DOORS LEADING TO THE WEDDING RECEPTION. _"BLACK WATER"_ BY THE DOOBIE BROTHERS IS PLAYING. THE CLOSED DOOR OPENS AND HYDE STICKS HIS HEAD OUT. HE LOOKS AROUND AND THEN, NOT NOTICING ANYONE NEARBY, HE STEPS OUT OF THE ROOM PULLING JACKIE, BY THE HAND BEHIND HIM.. THEY BOTH LOOK A LITTLE MESSY AND HYDE'S BOW TIE IS GONE. HYDE RUNS HIS HAND THROUGH HIS HAIR AND JACKIE TRIES TO STRAIGHTEN OUT HER VEIL. HYDE TURNS BACK TO THE DOOR AND CLOSES IT. JACKIE NOTICES HIS PANTS.

JACKIE:

(to Hyde) Steven, zip up your pants.

HYDE:

(flatly) Oh yeah, because my fly being down, and not the fact that your dress is missing about 10 buttons, will give us away.

HYDE GIVES JACKIE A TEASING SMILE AND SHE JUST ROLLS HER EYES. W.B. COMES OUT OF THE OPEN DOUBLE DOORS AND WALKS UP TO THEM.

W.B.:

(to Hyde and Jackie) There you are. Are you two kids having good time?

HYDE NODS HIS HEAD AND GETS A VERY DIRTY SMILE ON HIS FACE.

HYDE:

I am having a great time.

W.B.

(with a smile) Good. I have something for you.

HYDE:

(shrugs) Ok, but if it's a really cool black dad or a record store I already have one.

W.B. LAUGHS AND HYDE CRACKS A SMILE. W.B. TAKES AN ENVELOPE OUT OF HIS SUIT COAT POCKET AND HANDS IT TO HYDE. HYDE TAKES IT FROM HIM..

W.B.

Now, Steven, I know you don't like big, expensive gifts. But, I also know that those are Jackie's favorite kind.

JACKIE:

(to W.B. with a smile) It's like you've known me my whole life.

HYDE OPENS THE ENVELOPE AND TAKES OUT SOME PAPERS. HE STARES AT THEM, SHOCKED AND THEN HE LOOKS AT JACKIE.

HYDE:

It's two first class plane tickets and two weeks in Hawaii.

JACKIE'S MOUTH DROPS OPEN AND THEN SHE LUNGES AT W.B. GIVING HIM A HUGE HUG.

JACKIE:

You are the greatest present giver of all time!

W.B. LAUGHS AND HUGS JACKIE BACK. HYDE STANDS THERE WITH A SMALL SMILE WATCHING JACKIE AND HIS DAD.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 4

SCENE 2

INT. RECEPTION HALL, DANCE FLOOR. RED AND KITTY ARE DANCING. RED LOOKS CRANKY. THE SONG, _"YOU ARE THE SUNSHINE OF MY LIFE"_ BY STEVIE WONDER IS PLAYING.

RED:

I can't dance to this music. It's crap!

KITTY:

(smiling) Oh I don't know, I kind of like it.

RED:

(looks at Kitty with a scowl) Well of course you do. You've made about 15 trips to the bar tonight. Everything sounds good to you.

KITTY:

(ignoring Red) I thought Eric's speech was very sweet. Although, Jackie did seem a little upset when he compared her to Darth Vader. You know, Eric just shouldn't be allowed to drink champagne. It makes him do stupid things.

RED:

Kitty, alcohol doesn't make Eric do stupid things. The fact that he's stupid makes Eric do stupid things.

KITTY:

(with a smile) Oh Red, I can't believe Steven is married. You know, I knew when we took him in he just needed a little loving care to turn him into a sweet, sensitive gentleman. And I'm glad he married Jackie. (she laughs) If anyone can get him to shave off those horrible sideburns, it's Jackie.

RED:

(pauses and gives Kitty a smile) Yeah, they'll do just fine. Steven has an uncanny ability to tune out almost everything Jackie says.

KITTY:

Well thank God they found each other. Because, I've got to say, I love them both dearly, but there is no way either one of them would've ever found someone else that could put up with them.

RED:

(smiles in agreement) That's for sure.

THEY BOTH LAUGH AND KEEP DANCING.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 4

SCENE 3

INT. RECEPTION HALL. THE DANCE FLOOR. THE SONG, _"YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL"_ BY JOE COCKER IS PLAYING. JACKIE AND HYDE ARE DANCING. HER HEAD IS LAYING ON HIS CHEST AND HE IS HOLDING ONE OF HER HANDS. HIS OTHER ARM IS WRAPPED AROUND HER WAIST. JACKIE LOOKS UP AT HYDE WITH AN EXCITED SMILE.

JACKIE:

So, Steven, do you wanna hear the vows I wrote?

HYDE:

(with a wicked grin) Are they dirty?

JACKIE:

(rolls her eyes and smiles) No.

HYDE:

Can you make them dirty?

JACKIE:

(just ignores him and rolls her eyes) Whatever.

JACKIE TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND HER FACE SOFTENS. SHE LOOKS A LITTLE NERVOUS AS SHE SPEAKS TO HYDE.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

I never thought I'd be here. Not because I didn't think you'd ask me to marry you. (with a teasing smile) I always knew you would. (she looks deadly serious) Because when I want something bad enough, I get what I want. (her face softens again and she smiles at Hyde) I just never thought I'd find someone who was my best friend, my protector, my teacher and the love of my life. (without even realizing it, they have stopped dancing and Hyde just stares at Jackie) But I found him. (with a little pout) He was a little hard to find because he's always hiding behind dark sunglasses and his Zen (she looks a little embarrassed) and also because he used to run when he saw me coming. (she smiles again) But I found him. (Now she looks triumphant) I found him. I caught him. And I married him.

JACKIE JUST LOOKS AT HYDE WAITING FOR HIS RESPONSE. HE LOOKS STUNNED.

HYDE:

(quietly) Wow.

JACKIE SQUEALS IN GLEE AND WRAPS HER ARMS AROUND HYDE'S NECK, KISSING HIM. THEY START DANCING AGAIN, VERY SLOWLY AND PRESSED TIGHT AGAINST EACH OTHER. THE SONG CONTINUES TO PLAY WHILE THEY DANCE.

"_You're everything I hoped for_

_You're everything I need"_

HYDE SMILES AND LEANS DOWN TO WHISPER INTO JACKIE'S EAR.

HYDE:

(raising an eyebrow) You know, I bet we could make those dirty if we tried.

JACKIE JUST LAUGHS.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 5

SCENE 1

INT. RECEPTION HALL. THE DANCE FLOOR AND BAR AREA. JACKIE IS IN THE CENTER OF THE DANCE FLOOR GETTING READY TO TOSS HER BOUQUET. HYDE IS STANDING BEHIND HER, WATCHING HER WITH AMUSEMENT. THERE ARE ABOUT 10 GIRLS GATHERED AROUND ON THE DANCE FLOOR. IN THE DISTANCE AT THE BAR WE CAN SEE LAURIE SITTING ON A BAR STOOL AND ERIC, FEZ AND KELSO STANDING AROUND THE BAR.

JACKIE:

(with a bratty smile) Ok, all you sad, unmarried ladies gather around me.

CUT TO FEZ AND LAURIE AT THE BAR. CASEY IS BEHIND THEM POURING DRINKS.

FEZ:

Laurie, why are you not joining all the lovely ladies trying to scratch each other's eyes out for the bouquet?

LAURIE:

(gives Fez a snotty look) Oh, I don't know. (she pauses) Maybe because I'm married. (she looks a little sad) God, Fez, sometimes you can be such a jerk!

LAURIE STORM OFF. CASEY, WHO HAS BEEN WATCHING, GIVES FEZ A MOCKING SMILE.

CASEY:

(to Fez) Nice. Real smooth, buddy.

FEZ POUTS. CUT BACK TO JACKIE AND THE GIRLS ON THE DANCE FLOOR. JACKIE IS STANDING WITH HER BACK TO THE GIRLS AND SHE HAS HER HAND OVER HER EYES.

JACKIE:

Ready or not, here it comes ... 1, 2, 3

JACKIE TOSSES HER BOUQUET AND THEN TURNS TO SEE WHO CATCHES IT. DONNA EASILY PUSHES THE OTHER GIRLS OUT OF THE WAY AND THEN CATCHES THE BOUQUET WITH ONE HAND. SHE LOOKS AT IT AND GIVES A SMALL SMILE. JACKIE RUNS OVER TO DONNA AND THE OTHER GIRLS SULK OFF.

JACKIE:

(relieved) Oh Donna, thank God. I am so glad you have such giant hands. I really didn't want one of those bitches to have my beautiful bouquet.

DONNA:

(looks very surprised) Wow, that was so cool! I love knocking down small, snotty girls.

JACKIE AND DONNA BOTH NOD AND SMILE.

CUT TO THE GUYS AT THE BAR.

ERIC:

Wow, did you see Donna fight for that bouquet. Either she really wants to be the next girl to get married or she just needed to kick a little ass. Either way I'm pretty turned on right now.

DONNA RUNS UP TO ERIC AT THE BAR, SHE IS A LITTLE BREATHLESS AND SHE'S SMILING.

DONNA:

Eric, did you see me catch the bouquet? You know, I never understood why girls got so into this bouquet crap, but I do now! It's a blast shoving all those bitchy girls to the ground.

KELSO:

(with a taunting smile to Eric) Hey, Eric, I'm gonna catch the garter. 'Cause whoever catches the garter gets to have a nice, sexy slow dance with the chick that catches the bouquet. And I'm gonna request "Freebird" so I get 13 minutes with Donna. (he laughs) By the time the song's over, you're gonna be single.

KELSO, WITH A COCKY SMILE HEADS OFF TO THE DANCE FLOOR.

DONNA:

(panicking, she whispers to Eric) Eric, you've gotta catch that garter. I don't want Keslo molesting me for 13 minutes.

ERIC:

(in a mock "hero" voice) Don't worry, Donna. I'll stop him.

DONNA:

Ok, but don't try and use the Jedi mind trick on him because I've told you 100 times that doesn't actually work.

ERIC:

(pouting) The only reason it doesn't work on Kelso is because he has no mind to trick.

CUT BACK TO THE DANCE FLOOR. JACKIE IS NOW SEATED IN A CHAIR AND HYDE IS NEXT TO HER ON ONE KNEE. HE HAS A VERY DIRTY LOOK ON HIS FACE.

JACKIE:

Ok, Steven, now try and keep it tasteful.

HYDE:

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

CUT TO THE GUYS GATHERED ON THE DANCE FLOOR. KELSO IS FRONT AND CENTER WITH A BIG SMILE. HE HAS HIS ARMS SPREAD OUT TRYING TO KEEP ERIC, WHO IS RIGHT NEXT TO HIM, AWAY. DONNA IS STANDING AT THE BACK OF THE CROWD, WATCHING. SHE NOTICES SOMETHING AND HEADS INTO THE CROWD OF GUYS.

DONNA:

(a little irritated) Dad, what are you doing? You can't catch the garter. I am not having a sexy slow dance with my dad.

BOB:

(shrugs) Good point.

BOB LEAVES THE DANCE FLOOR AND HEADS TO THE BAR WHERE KITTY AND RED ARE NOW STANDING AND WATCHING. HYDE POINTS TO THE DJ AND HE PUTS ON THE SONG, _"A FOOL FOR YOUR STOCKINGS"_ BY ZZ TOP. HYDE SMILES AND NODS HIS APPROVAL OF THE MUSIC. JACKIE JUST ROLLS HER EYES. HYDE VERY SLOWLY LIFTS UP JACKIE DRESS AND PULLS OUT HER LEG. HE RAISES HIS EYEBROW AT JACKIE AND LEANS INTO HER LEG. HE GRABS JACKIE'S GARTER WITH HIS TEETH AND PULLS IT DOWN HER LEG. HE TAKES HER HEEL OFF AND THEN PULLS THE GARTER OFF HER FOOT. HYDE STANDS UP AND SNAPS IT LIKE A SLING SHOT INTO THE CROWD OF GUYS. KELSO AND ERIC BOTH GO DOWN ON THE GROUND WHERE THEY WRESTLE FOR A FEW SECONDS AND THEN A HAND EMERGES HOLDING THE GARTER. ERIC STANDS UP TO REVEAL HE HAS THE GARTER. KELSO STOMPS OFF, POUTING. DONNA RUNS TO ERIC AND KISSES HIM..

DONNA:

(throwing her arms around Eric) Oh my God, Eric, I can't believe you got it. You're my hero!

ERIC:

(he just shrugs) Yeah, well, I kneed Kelso in the bean bags.

DONNA LAUGHS AND KISSES ERIC AGAIN.

CUT TO JACKIE AND HYDE

JACKIE SITS IN THE CHAIR POUTING. HYDE OFFERS JACKIE HIS HAND, SHE TAKES IT AND HE HELPS HER UP FROM THE CHAIR.

JACKIE:

(poking at Hyde) You owe me one slow dance.

HYDE:

(pulls Jackie to him with a devilish look) It was worth it.

THEY KISS

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 5

SCENE 2

INT. RECEPTION HALL. THE BAR. IN THE BACKGROUND ON THE DANCE FLOOR WE CAN SEE JACKIE AND DONNA DANCING TO, _"RICH GIRL"_ BY HALL AND OATES. THEY ARE SINGING ALONG AND INDICATING JACKIE DURING THE LYRICS. AT THE BAR, HYDE, KELSO, FEZ AND ERIC ARE ALL SITTING ON STOOLS AND HAVING A BEER.

HYDE:

Fez, what's wrong with you man? Are you still pouting 'cause Jackie won't let you do your little dance number with Kelso.

KELSO:

(indignant) Hey, man, we were gonna be really good!

FEZ:

(sadly drinking his beer) I got rejected by a woman. Again. I can't do it anymore. I give up.

ERIC:

(pats Fez on the back) Come on, man, you can't give up. (pauses) You get rejected. It's what you do. I whine, Kelso cheats, Hyde steals, you get rejected.

FEZ:

(getting angry) Well I am tired of the rejection. I need a woman who will love me for the dirty man that I am. I need a woman who is not afraid of my needs.

FEZ PAUSES AND GETS A VERY EXCITED LOOK, LIKE HE'S HAD A REVELATION.

FEZ:(cont'd)

(talking to himself, he looks a little crazed) Of course, oh Fez you are such a fool, it has been staring you in the face all along, (he pauses and smiles proudly at the other guys) I need Laurie!

FEZ LOOKS AROUND ANXIOUSLY AT THE OTHER GUYS, WAITING FOR THEIR REACTIONS.

HYDE:

(looks slightly stunned) It's genius. It's like an X-rated fairytale. The horniest guy alive finds the easiest girl alive and they live happily ever after with their 15 children.

KELSO:

(condescendingly to Fez) Laurie's a lot of woman, Fez. Are you sure you can handle her? I mean, I wasn't enough to satisfy her (pointing to himself with a cocky smile) and I'm me.

FEZ:

Oh yes, (shakes his head confidently) I know I am man enough. My people have always has a lot of stamina. It comes from generations of having to chase down and kill all your meals.

ERIC:

(yells, angrily) Well I think your idea sucks!

HYDE:

(to Eric, with a taunting smile) I disagree. Because actually staying married to your sister is an even bigger burn than marrying her was.

ERIC:

Fez, you can't just be with someone because you both like having sex.

HYDE LOOKS AT ERIC AND SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISGUST.

HYDE:

Man, you are such a girl.

FEZ:

(speaks quickly and getting very excited) Eric, that is not the only reason I want to be with her. (with a perverted grin) It is my favorite reason, but it is not the only reason. Laurie is beautiful, she makes me laugh with her fabulous hot burns and I feel really happy when I am around her, like I have just eaten a whole bowl of jelly beans. Plus, we are already married and living together so it's very convenient.

KELSO:

(shrugs and smiles) I say go for it, man! Just tell Laurie what you told us, chicks go crazy for all that girly, romantic crap.

HYDE:

(nodding in agreement) How do you think Forman got Donna?

FEZ:

(with a hopeful smile) Eric, do I have your blessing?

HYDE:

C'mon, Forman. Give the little guy a break. Look at it this way, if things work out with him and Laurie she'll never move back home.

ERIC:

(with a huge smile he pats Fez on the back) Go get her, buddy!

KELSO:

(pouting) Well, I gotta go find Jackie's cousin. 'Cause I am not gonna be the only one who doesn't do it tonight.

FEZ:

(very excited) Oh my God! Tonight I am going to do it with my beautiful, beautiful wife!

HYDE:

(with a wicked grin) I already did it with my beautiful wife tonight. (pauses, realizing) Holy crap. I have a wife. (pauses and looks at the others) Fez has a wife, Forman has a girlfriend that is way too hot for him, and Kelso has an illegitimate child and lots of meaningless sex with strangers.

KELSO GIVES A BIG, DUMB GRIN.

ERIC:

God, where have the years gone?

HYDE:

(smiling mischievously) I can tell you where they've gone; up in smoke that's where.

KELSO:

(grabs a beer and raises it) To us!

THE GUYS ALL GRAB THEIR BEERS AND RAISE THEM UP.

GUYS:

To us!

ERIC:

(with a laugh he shakes his head) We are so cool.

THE GUYS ALL DRINK THEIR BEERS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 5

SCENE 3

INT. RECEPTION HALL. THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF THE DANCE FLOOR. FEZ, WITH AN EXCITED, AND SLIGHTLY PERVY SMILE, COMES OUT THROUGH THE DOUBLE DOORS AND LOOKS DOWN THE HALLWAY. HE LOOKS IN AND OUT OF SEVERAL OPEN DOORS AND OTHER AREAS. THEN HE WALKS TOWARDS THE CLOSED DOOR THAT JACKIE AND HYDE CAME OUT OF EARLIER. THE SONG, _"LADY"_ BY LITTLE RIVER BAND CAN BE HEARD, SOMEWHAT MUFFLED, IN THE BACKGROUND COMING FROM INSIDE THE RECEPTION HALL. FEZ IS FRANITCALLY LOOKING FOR LAURIE.

"_So lady, let me take a look at you now_

_You're there on the dance floor making me want you some how_

_Oh lady, I think it's only fair I should say to you_

_Don't be thinking_ _that I don't want you 'cause maybe I do"_

FEZ PULLS OPEN THE DOOR AND HE FINDS LAURIE MAKING OUT WITH CASEY KELSO. LAURIE TURNS AROUND AND SEES FEZ. HIS FACE FALLS, CRUSHED AND HE LOOKS EXTREMELY CONFUSED. LAURIE SEES HIS EXPRESSION AND SHE GIVES HIM A GUILTY SMILE.

FEZ:

(yells at Casey in a high pitched voice) What are you doing? Get off my wife!

CASEY:

(with a cocky grin) Relax, buddy. We'll be done in a few minutes and then you can have her back good as new.

FEZ:

(angrily) She is not your play thing you son of a bitch! She is a beautiful, Strip-Candy-Land-loving, goddess.

LAURIE LOOKS SURPRISED AND THEN TOUCHED.

LAURIE:

(with a smile) Oh Fez.

FEZ:

(to Laurie with attitude) Don't "oh Fez" me, lady! I give you a place to live, I share my candy with you, I do your hair for free and this is how you repay me? Now, (trying to compose himself) if you will excuse me, I am going to find Kelso and cry on his strong, manly shoulder. Good day.

LAURIE:

(pouting) But Fez ...

FEZ:

I said good day!

FEZ STOMPS OFF LEAVING A VERY CONFUSED LOOKING LAURIE AND A VERY AMUSED LOOKING CASEY BEHIND.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 6

SCENE 1

THE RECEPTION HALL IS NOW ALMOST COMPLETELY DARK. EVERYONE IS GONE EXCEPT FOR JACKIE AND HYDE. THEY ARE SITTING NEXT TO EACH OTHER ON THE DJ'S STAGE. JACKIE HAS HER HEELS AND HER VEIL OFF AND SHE IS HOLDING A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE. HYDE HAS HIS COAT AND TIE OFF AND THE TOP FEW BUTTONS OF HIS SHIRT ARE UNBUTTONED. HIS SUNGLASSES ARE HOOKED ON THE FRONT OF HIS SHIRT. THE SONG, _"WONDERFUL TONIGHT" _BY ERIC CLAPTON IS PLAYING VERY SOFTLY IN THE BACKGROUND. JACKIE TAKES A SWIG FROM THE CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE AND THEN HANDS IT TO HYDE.

JACKIE:

So. We're married.

HYDE:

Yep. (takes a swig from the bottle)

JACKIE:

(she nudges him, with a small smile) What do you think so far?

HYDE:

(with a grin) It's no worse than bowling.

JACKIE PLAYFULLY HITS HIM. HE HANDS THE BOTTLE TO HER, SHE TAKES ANOTHER SWIG.

HYDE:(cont')

(twisting the ring on his finger, nervously) I have a surprise for you.

JACKIE:

(gasps and covers her mouth with her hand) You're shaving off your sideburns.

HYDE:

(looks at he like she's crazy) What? No. But I did write my own vows. (smiling a cocky smile, he shrugs) Well, I didn't so much write them as I did borrow them from The Eagles.

JACKIE:

(shocked) Oh my God, you can keep the sideburns! Let's hear it!

HYDE:

(takes a deep breath) Ok.

HE REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND GRABS A PIECE OF PAPER. HE UNFOLDS IT, CLEARS HIS THROAT AND READS THE PAPER.

HYDE:(cont')

"I've been searching for the daughter of the devil himself. I've been searching for an angel in white. I've been waiting for a woman who's a little of both." (folds up the paper and looks at her with a wicked grin) And here you are.

JACKIE:

(smiling) Oh, Steven. (she takes his face in her hand and kisses him, then she pulls back and pauses, giving him a seductive look) So, who do you want tonight? The angel or the devil?

HYDE:

(with a sexy smile) Oh tonight I want the devil.

THEY SMILE AT EACH OTHER AND KISS. THE CREDITS RUN OVER THE STILL IMAGE OF THE TWO OF THEM KISSING AND THE SONG CONTINUES TO PLAY.

END EPISODE

END SEASON SEVEN

UP NEXT ...

THE SEASON EIGHT PREMIERE

"Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin'"

Jackie and Hyde are on their honeymoon but they can't seem to make it out of their room. And, Fez has to make a decision about Laurie.


	8. Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin'

"Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin' "

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Journey.

I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disaster that was Season 8. This episode would be the Season 8 premiere, episode 8-1.

Hope everyone enjoyed my version of the end of Season 7. As always thanks for the reviews!

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. THE LOBBY OF THE ROYAL HAWAIIAN HOTEL IN HAWAII. IT'S VERY EXPENSIVE AND ELEGANT LOOKING. JACKIE AND HYDE ENTER HOLDING HANDS THROUGH THE DOUBLE FRONT DOOR. THE DOORS ARE HELD OPEN BY TWO BELLHOPS. JACKIE IS WEARING A FLOWER LEI. HYDE IS CARRYING SOME BAGS. THEY BOTH LOOK AROUND THE LOBBY. JACKIE LOOKS ECSTATIC. EVEN HYDE LOOKS IMPRESSED.

HYDE:

(to Jackie) That was the best nine hours I've ever had. I didn't even care that we were thirty thousand feet above the ground and going 560 miles per hour.

JACKIE:

(excitedly) I know! I wish everything in life was like first class! All the poor people would be kept behind a curtain and forced to eat cold sandwiches with plastic forks. (she smiles smugly) While us important people lounged in our large, comfortable and fully reclined chairs, sipped champagne and ate a delicious four course meal.

HYDE:

(with a smile) You forgot the part where we take bathroom breaks to enjoy our marital privileges.

JACKIE:

(smiles, like she can't believe what she's saying) You know, I didn't even mind doing it in that bathroom. Because it was for rich people only.

HYDE:

Yep, only the rich get slightly larger, more comfortable bathrooms. (with a sly grin) Perfect for joining the mile-high club in. Hey, that reminds me, do I still have soap on my butt?

JACKIE LEANS BEHIND HIM AND CHECKS.

JACKIE:

No, you're good.

HYDE:

(smiling wickedly) Yes I am.

HYDE LEANS IN AND KISSES JACKIE. SHE RUNS HER HAND THROUGH HIS HAIR AND STOPS, PULLING AWAY FROM HIM WITH SOMETHING IN HER HAND.

JACKIE:

Ew, but you do have some mixed nuts in your hair from the limo ride.

HYDE TAKES THE NUT OUT OF HER HAND AND TOSSES IT. THEY ARRIVE AT THE FRONT DESK, WHERE THEY ARE GREETED BY THE CLERK.

FRONT DESK CLERK:

(with a big, cheesy smile) Aloha.

HYDE:

(looking at him very irritated) Yeah, whatever.

JACKIE:

(giving Hyde a dirty look) Steven, don't be rude. (she turns to the clerk and smiles) I'm sorry, he grew up poor.

HYDE:

(ignoring Jackie) We have a reservation for Hyde.

FRONT DESK CLERK:

(with a smile) Certainly (he looks through some papers, he looks confused) oh, you're Mr. Barnett's son? (nervously unsure what to say) I see the resemblance.

HYDE:

It's the 'fro.

CLERK:

Well, welcome to The Royal Hawaiian, Mr. And Mrs. Hyde.

AS SOON AS SHE HEARS THIS JACKIE LUNGES AT HYDE AND STARTS MAKING OUT WITH HIM. THE CLERK STARES AT THEM UNCOMFORTABLY WHILE THEY GO AT IT. WHEN SHE FINALLY LETS GO, HYDE SMILES AT THE CLERK AND STRAIGHTENS OUT HIS SUNGLASSES. JACKIE JUST SMOOTHS OUT HER HAIR AND GIVES A FAKE SMILE.

HYDE:

We just got married.

CLERK:

(sarcastically) Really? (with a smile) Now, you'll be staying in the Ocean Front Honeymoon Suite. Mr. Barnett is covering all your incidentals as well as your room. So, any room service you order or anything from your in-room bar will be taken care of. (with a butt-kissing smile) You know, your father is one of our best clients. We're all very fond of him.

HYDE:

Yeah, he's pretty much my favorite person in the world right now.

CLERK:

(to Jackie) We have several gift shops and ladies boutiques located in the hotel, Mrs. Hyde.

JACKIE IMMEDIATELY GRABS HYDE WITH BOTH OF HER HANDS BY THE TEE SHIRT AND YANKS HIM TO HER. AGAIN THEY MAKE OUT LIKE CRAZY WHILE THE HOTEL CLERK TRIES TO LOOK AWAY. HYDE FINALLY MANAGES TO GET FREE.

HYDE:

(to the clerk) You know if you just call her Jackie she'll stop doing that.

CLERK:

(very nervous) Of course, sir. Here is your room key, you're in Suite 1227. The suites' private elevator is right behind you.

JACKIE:

(excitedly) Oh my God! The poor people can't even use our elevator. (suddenly very serious) Steven, we have to move here!

HYDE REACHES DOWN TO GRAB THEIR BAGS. THE CLERK STOPS HIM.

CLERK:

Oh and don't worry about your bags, the bellhop will bring them up to you.

THE CLERK SNAPS HIS FINGERS SEVERAL TIMES AND A YOUNG, DARK SKINNED MAN APPEARS. HE GRABS JACKIE AND HYDE'S BAGS AND HEADS OFF. HYDE WATCHES HIM GO.

HYDE:

Why do I suddenly miss Fez? (he turns back to the clerk) Hey is there one of those "do not disturb" signs in our room?

CLERK:

(very confused) Yes sir.

HYDE:

Great. (quickly) Let's go, Jackie.

HYDE PUTS HIS HAND ON THE SMALL OF JACKIE'S BACK AND LEADS HER INTO THE ELEVATOR.

CLERK:

(calling to them from across the lobby) Enjoy your stay, Mr. And Mrs. Hyde.

JACKIE SHOVES HYDE AGAINST THE WALL IN THE ELEVATOR, PULLS THE BOTTOM OF HIS TEE SHIRT OUT OF THE WAISTBAND OF HIS JEANS AND STARTS KISSING HIM.

JACKIE:

(breathlessly and a little crazed) Oh my God, every time someone calls me Mrs. Hyde I lose my freaking mind.

SHE STARTS KISSING HIM AGAIN.

HYDE:

(trying to tuck his shirt back in) Jackie! We're in an elevator! (pauses for a second) Wait, what the hell am I saying, we're in an elevator!

HYDE GRABS JACKIE AND PULLS HER BACK TO HIM. THEY START MAKING OUT AND THE DOORS TO THE ELEVATOR CLOSE.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

NEW SHOTS FOR THEME SONG

SHOT 1

ERIC DRIVING, DONNA NEXT TO HIM, HYDE NEXT TO HER WITH JACKIE ON HIS LAP. IN THE BACKSEAT : LAURIE BEHIND HYDE, THEN FEZ, THEN KELSO.

"_Hangin' out"_

SHOT 2

RED DRIVING, KITTY NEXT TO HIM. IN THE BACKSEAT : BOB IN THE MIDDLE WITH HIS ARMS AROUND DONNA AND ERIC

"_Down the street"_

SHOT 3

HYDE DRIVING, ERIC NEXT TO HIM, THEN FEZ. IN THE BACKSEAT : JACKIE BEHIND HYDE, DONNA NEXT TO HER, THEN LAURIE.

"_The same old thing"_

SHOT 4

LAURIE DRIVING, KITTY NEXT TO HER. IN THE BACKSEAT : JACKIE BEHIND LAURIE AND DONNA NEXT TO HER.

"_We did last week"_

SHOT 5

RED DRIVING, ERIC NEXT TO HIM, THEN KELSO. IN THE BACKSEAT : HYDE BEHIND RED, THEN BOB AND FEZ.

"_Not a thing to do" _

SHOT 6

FEZ DRIVING, HYDE NEXT TO HIM, THEN KELSO. IN THE BACKSEAT : JACKIE BEHIND HYDE, ERIC NEXT TO HER, THEN DONNA

"_But talk to you"_

SHOT 7

DONNA DRIVING, JACKIE NEXT TO HER. IN THE BACKSEAT : ERIC BEHIND DONNA AND HYDE NEXT TO HIM.

"_We're all alright"_

SHOT 8

ERIC DRIVING, DONNA NEXT TO HIM, THEN HYDE WITH JACKIE ON HIS LAP. IN THE BACKSEAT : KELSO BEHIND ERIC, FEZ NEXT TO HIM, THEN LAURIE.

"_We're all alright"_

SHOT 9

THE LICENSE PLATE

"_Hello, Wisconsin!"_

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN THAT SAME DAY. MORNING. RED, ERIC AND KITTY ARE AT THE TABLE HAVING BREAKFAST.

RED:

(with a smile) Just think, Kitty - two weeks. Two weeks without any kids in this house.

ERIC:

(looking a little sheepish) Well, Dad, I'll still be coming over to eat.

RED:

Why? The stove at Steven's house doesn't work?

ERIC:

No, it works. (under his breath) I just don't know how to use it.

RED:

(getting very annoyed) Well why can't Donna cook?

KITTY:

(gives Red a horrified look) Oh, Red, do you want to kill him?

RED:

Fine. (irritated) He can eat here, but that's it. No hanging out in the basement, or the driveway or anywhere on my property.

KELSO ENTERS. HE SEES THE FOOD AND HEADS RIGHT TO THE TABLE AND SITS DOWN.

KELSO:

(with a huge smile) Oh great, breakfast! I'm starving.

KELSO REACHES ACROSS RED TO GRAB SOME BACON. RED GRABS IT RIGHT BACK OUT OF KELSO'S HAND. KELSO SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE, POUTING.

RED:

(annoyed) Dammit, we are not a soup kitchen. Would one of you morons learn how to cook! (to Kelso) Don't you have pop tarts or something you can eat at your own house?

KELSO:

(looking depressed) Yeah, but it's miserable there. Laurie's all mopey and mean. And Fez is walking around mumbling stuff I can't understand.

ERIC:

Fez always does that.

KELSO:

Yeah but this time I know it's not English. It sounds like that language they taught us in school.

ERIC:

Kelso, that was English.

KELSO:

Not the way Fez speaks it it's not. (with a look of dopey irritation) I mean how many years does a person have to live here before he makes sense?

ERIC:

(to Kelso, like he talking to a child) Well, you've lived here your whole life and you make no sense so ...

DONNA ENTERS, SHE'S CARRYING A SUITCASE.

DONNA:

Ok, Eric. I'm all packed. (looking very relieved) I am so glad to be out of my house for two weeks. Now that my dad and Joanne are back together there are some sick things going on in that house.

KELSO:

(to Eric and Donna) Are you guys going on vacation without me? (pouting) Great! First Hyde and Jackie won't take me to Hawaii with them and now you guys ditch me. You know, the next time I go somewhere none of you guys are invited.

DONNA:

(with a laugh) Kelso, you never go anywhere.

KELSO:

Yeah, well - (pauses, not knowing what to say) I might someday. (wagging his finger, spastically, at them) And you guys are not invited. (quietly, to Donna with a perverted grin) Ok, Big D you can come if you want.

ERIC:

Kelso, we're not going on vacation. We're staying at Hyde and Jackie's house while they're gone.

KELSO:

(indignant) UH! I was gonna have a party there.

ERIC:

(nodding) Which is exactly why we're staying there.

RED:

(pointing at Eric) You. Quit yapping and eat.

KITTY:

Now, Red, don't rush him. You know if he eats too fast it'll all just come back up again.

RED LOOKS AT ERIC AND SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISGUST. ERIC GOES ON EATING.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. FEZ, LAURIE AND KELSO'S APARTMENT. LATER THAT SAME DAY. LAURIE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH, WATCHING T.V. SHE LOOKS LIKE A SAD LITTLE KID. FEZ COMES IN.

LAURIE :

(with a weak smile) Hi Fez.

FEZ:

(nastily) Oh. Hello, Laurie. I did not recognize you without Casey Kelso attached to your face!

LAURIE:

(stands up and points at Fez) Hey, you were trying to make out with Jackie's cousins.

FEZ:

Yes, but I did not succeed so it doesn't count.

LAURIE:

(rolls her eyes) Well that's stupid.

FEZ:

(angry - Fez style) Oh, so now I'm stupid?

LAURIE:

I didn't say you were stupid, I said what you said was stupid.

FEZ:

Wait, now I am confused? Am I stupid or not?

LAURIE:

Well, right now you are a little stupid.

FEZ:

Well that is fine, because right now you are a lot stupid!

LAURIE :

(yells) Fine!

FEZ:

(yells louder) What's fine? That you're stupid or that I'm stupid?

LAURIE:

Neither!

FEZ:

Then why did you say fine?

LAURIE:

(pauses, looking completely lost) Because, I don't have anything else to say.

FEZ:

Well, lady, you better think of something else to say because we are going to continue this argument later!

LAURIE:

Fine!

FEZ:

Ai! Learn another word, woman!

FEZ STOMPS OFF INTO HIS ROOM AND SLAMS THE DOOR.

LAURIE:

(yelling at him through his closed door) You stole my idea!

LAURIE STOMPS OFF INTO HER ROOM AND CLOSES THE DOOR. FEZ SLAMS HIS DOOR BACK OPEN AND YELLS TO LAURIE'S CLOSED DOOR.

FEZ:

And I get the last word!

FEZ SLAMS THE DOOR AGAIN.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S HOTEL ROOM. TWO DAYS LATER. JACKIE AND HYDE ARE IN BED WITH ONLY A SHEET ON. HYDE IS ON TOP OF HER AND THEY ARE KISSING. HE ROLLS OFF OF HER AND COLLAPSES ON HIS BACK NEXT TO HER IN THE BED. THEY BOTH HAVE SATISFIED SMILES.

JACKIE:

I like Hawaii.

HYDE:

I love Hawaii.

JACKIE:

(rolls over to look at him) Steven, do you realize we've been here for two days and we haven't left the room.

HYDE:

(with a devilish grin) I know, sometimes I amaze even myself.

JACKIE:

Do you feel kind of guilty that your dad bought us this incredible trip and we're in here (she looks at him lustfully) having an incredibly good time.

HYDE:

(rolls over to look at her) Yeah, we should probably go see some stuff huh?

HYDE SLOWLY SITS UP AND JACKIE DOES THE SAME, HOLDING THE SHEET OVER HER CHEST.

JACKIE:

(she shrugs) I guess. (pauses and smiles at Hyde) Or, we could just stay here

HYDE:

(raises his eyebrow and looks at her) I like it here.

THEY PAUSE FOR A MINUTE, STARING AT ONE ANOTHER. THEN THEY LUNGE FOR EACH OTHER AND FALL BACK ONTO THE BED KISSING.

JACKIE:

(talking in between kisses) Do you wanna see the ocean?

HYDE:

(just keeps right on kissing her) I can see the ocean through the window.

JACKIE:

(again in between kisses)What about the palm trees?

HYDE:

(still doesn't stop kissing her) I can see the palm trees through the window.

JACKIE:

What about the volcanoes?

HYDE, SOMEWHAT IRRITATED, RAISES HIMSELF UP SLIGHTLY AND FINALLY STOPS KISSING JACKIE.

HYDE:

Jackie, I'm sure if one erupts we'll hear it (a beat) through the window.

HYDE STARTS KISSING JACKIE ON HER NECK, AT FIRST SHE SEEMS A LITTLE DISTRACTED. BUT THE LOWER HE GETS ON HER NECK THE MORE INTERESTED SHE SEEMS TO GET.

JACKIE:

(quickly) You're right. We'll just buy a book on Hawaii with lots of pictures in it before we go.

SHE THROWS HERSELF AT HYDE, AND STARTS COVERING HIM WITH KISSES. HE JUST SMILES.

HYDE:

Don't worry, doll, (with a wicked grin) I guarantee you the most impressive thing on this island is right here in this bed.

THEY SMILE AND SLOWLY LAY BACK DOWN ON THE BED.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN. AFTERNOON. FIVE DAYS LATER. LAURIE IS TALKING ON THE PHONE, SHE HAS HER BACK TO THE SLIDING DOOR SO SHE DOESN'T NOTICE DONNA COME IN THE KITCHEN.

LAURIE:

(very whiny) Ok, well, maybe you could just accidentally lose the divorce papers. It'd be really easy to do, I lose stuff on purpose all the time. (she pauses and listens with an extremely pouty look on her face) Who cares if it's illegal! (pause) Great! I get the one honest lawyer in this whole crappy town!

LAURIE SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND TURNS TO CROSS TO THE TABLE WHEN SHE SEES DONNA. LAURIE LOOKS EXTREMELY GUILTY. DONNA GIVES HER A TEASING SMILE.

LAURIE:(cont'd)

(with a nervous smile) Oh, hey, Donna.

DONNA:

Who were you talking to?

LAURIE:

(has no idea what to say) Um ... Eric?

DONNA:

(looks amused) Really? 'Cause Eric's not a lawyer.

LAURIE:

(with a spacey grin) No, no he is. He just doesn't like to brag about it.

DONNA:

(a little stunned) Oh my God, you don't wanna get divorced. (points at Laurie excitedly) You like Fez! (does a ditzy "Laurie" voice) Ooh come here you sexy, foreign, pervert. (does a "Fez" voice with an accent) Laurie, you beautiful whore I want to do it with you on a bed made of candy.

LAURIE:

(pouting) Ok, so what if I do like him.. (she sadly slumps down in a chair at the table) I've got no chance with him after he caught me making out with Casey. I hate Kelso men. (looks at Donna)

DONNA:

(sits down next to Laurie) Yeah, that's actually written on just about every bathroom stall in Point Place. Laurie, have you ever thought about telling Fez how you feel?

LAURIE:

(with a sad ditzy look) No, I've found in relationships that honesty is the worst policy.

DONNA:

Ok, what if I helped you out with Fez?

LAURIE:

(gives Donna a nasty look) What's the catch?

DONNA:

No catch. Just promise me you'll be nice to Fez. (points, threateningly at Laurie) No fooling around with other guys. Or I swear to God, I'll make Jackie kick your ass again!

LAURIE:

I promise. (With a wicked grin) Besides, if Fez is as horny as he says he is, I won't need anybody else.

DONNA:

(looking at Laurie) Wow, you actually make that sound sweet.

LAURIE:

(shrugs) It's a gift.

RED ENTERS AND SEES THE GIRLS AT THE TABLE. HE LOOKS EXTREMELY ANNOYED.

RED:

(to the girls) Did I just walk through some sort of time warp?

DONNA:

(looks at Red strangely) No.

RED:

So then I still have one week of no kids in my house. You, (pointing at Donna) go to your home. And you, (points at Laurie) go to your home.

LAURIE GETS UP AND CROSSES TO RED. SHE GIVES HIM HER BEST SAD, POUTY FACE.

LAURIE:

But, Daddy, I just can't go home right now.

RED:

Why? Did Kelso finally burn it down?

LAURIE:

(looks confused) No.

RED:

(smiles) Good. Then go home and make sure he doesn't.

THE GIRLS SULK OUT OF THE KITCHEN AND RED SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE WITH A TRIUMPHANT GRIN.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S HOTEL ROOM. THE SAME DAY. HYDE AND JACKIE ARE IN BED, STILL UNCLOTHED WITH JUST A SHEET ON THEM. HYDE IS LAYING PROPPED UP ON SOME PILLOWS WITH HIS HANDS BEHIND HIS HEAD LOOKING VERY PROUD OF HIMSELF. JACKIE, WITH A SHEET WRAPPED AROUND HER, IS LAYING WITH HER HEAD IN HIS LAP SHE'S ALSO GOT A HUGE SMILE.

HYDE:

(with a grin) I just realized I haven't worn clothes in a week.

JACKIE:

I know. (smiles like she can't believe what she's saying) And I'm not even mad that I spent five hours picking out my wardrobe for this trip and the only things I've worn so far are a sheet and a towel.

HYDE:

That's not true. You wore that coconut bikini and the grass skirt.

JACKIE:

(looking out the balcony window) God, look at that sunset. (Sits up and looks at Hyde with puppy dog eyes) Steven, let's go out on the balcony and watch the sun go down.

HYDE PAUSES FOR A SECOND LOOKING A LITTLE IRRITATED, THEN HE SITS UP IN THE BED.

HYDE:

Normally, I wouldn't agree to something this girly, but since we're naked, I'll make an exception.

CUT TO JACKIE AND HYDE ON THE BALCONY. HYDE HAS A TOWEL WRAPPED AROUND HIS WAIST AND JACKIE HAS A SHEET WRAPPED AROUND HERSELF. THERE IS POLYNESIAN MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY IN THE BACKGROUND. JACKIE IS LEANING AGAINST THE RAILING OF THE BALCONY AND SMILING AT THE SCENERY BENEATH HER. HYDE IS STANDING BEHIND JACKIE AND HE CAN'T SEEM TO TAKE HIS EYES OFF OF HER.

JACKIE:

(with a smile) It's amazing out here!

HYDE:

(with a shrug) I don't know, I think it was more amazing inside the room.

JACKIE:

(ignores Hyde) It smells so good and everything is just so beautiful.

JACKIE, STILL STARING OUT INTO THE DISTANCE, STEPS BACKWARDS AND LEANS AGAINST HYDE.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

Listen to the ocean. I just love the ocean. (she pauses and starts swaying her hips back and forth slowly) Swish, swish, swish.

HYDE IS STARTING TO LOOK INCREDIBLY ANXIOUS. JACKIE IS COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS TO HYDE'S PROBLEM.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

(pulling at the sheet wrapped around her) Ooh it's hot out here. I'm getting sticky.

HYDE SPINS HER AROUND TO FACE HIM AND STARTS KISSING HER, FRANTICALLY.

JACKIE:

(pulls away from Hyde) Steven, shouldn't we go back in the room?

HYDE:

(goes right back to kissing her) I'm not gonna make it that far.

HYDE QUICKLY SWEEPS JACKIE UP AND LAYS HER DOWN ON THE FLOOR OF THE BALCONY.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER.

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S LIVING ROOM IN POINT PLACE. EVENING, THE SAME DAY. DONNA AND ERIC ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH. KELSO COMES IN THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. HE IS A MESS. HE LOOKS LIKE HE HASN'T SLEPT IN DAYS.

ERIC:

(to Kelso) What the hell is the matter with you?

DONNA:

(looking a little worried) Oh no. Are you and Fez trying to break the record for most days without sleep again?

ERIC:

(shaking his head) Kelso, we keep telling you, your best chance of making it into the Guinness Book of World Records is just keep gluing yourself to stuff.

KELSO:

(very annoyed) No, we're not having a no-sleep contest. (with a big, dumb open-mouthed pout) Although I wish I would've thought of that 'cause I'm starting to think I'm never gonna break that kid in Tennessee's glue record. It's totally not fair, he should be disqualified. I mean the guy works in a glue factory. (yells) I can't compete with that.

DONNA:

(with a laugh) Cheer up, Kelso, now that you carry a gun maybe you can break the record for most accidental self-inflicted gun shot wounds.

ERIC:

(smiles and nods) She's right. That record could be yours, my friend.

KELSO:

(exasperated, he sits in a chair) You guys what are we gonna do about Fez and Laurie? We've gotta get them to stop fighting 'cause if I don't get some sleep soon (pointing to his head) it's gonna start affecting my brain.

ERIC:

(with mock seriousness) Ok, this is serious because you can't afford to get any stupider.

KELSO:

I know!

DONNA:

Look, we just have to put them in a romantic situation. What does Fez like?

ERIC:

Candy.

KELSO:

Porn.

ERIC:

Slutty girls.

DONNA:

Ok, (she shrugs) easy enough. I can provide the candy, Eric you can provide the porn.

ERIC:

(giggling nervously) What? I don't, I mean, there's no ... (he sees Donna isn't buying it) Fine. I'll provide the porn.

DONNA:

And Laurie will be there so that takes care of the slutty girl part.

KELSO:

Ok, where is all of this supposed to happen, 'cause I want to be as far away as possible.

DONNA:

(to Kelso) What's wrong with your apartment?

KELSO:

(yelling spastically) I've gotta get some sleep! My looks are starting to be affected, Donna!

ERIC:

(with an evil look) We could do it here.

DONNA:

Eric, Jackie and Hyde will flip if they find out we threw Fez and Laurie a "do it" party in their house. (with a wicked smile) It's perfect.

ERIC:

(proudly) Even with half a country and an ocean separating them from us, we can still burn their asses!

DONNA AND ERIC SMILE EVILLY. KELSO LAYS BACK ON THE CHAIR AND CLOSES HIS EYES.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM. THE NEXT DAY. RED IS SITTING ON HIS CHAIR READING THE PAPER. KITTY IS SITTING ON THE COUCH HAVING A DRINK, SHE LOOKS REALLY SAD.

KITTY:

It's so quiet.

RED:

(smiling contentedly) Yep.

THEY GO BACK TO SITTING IN SILENCE. KITTY LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE.

KITTY:

It's just it's too quiet. It's not normal. (more silence) I feel like we're just sitting around waiting for the "big one" to hit. (She laughs) You know, (she pauses and smiles at Red) maybe we should have Joanne and Bob over for drinks.

RED:

(looking up from his paper) Absolutely not. We finally got rid of the lazy one, the angry one, the foreign kid, the loud girl, the other loud girl, and the stupid one - we are not having the fruity neighbors over.

SUDDENLY BOB AND JOANNE ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN. THEY ARE BOTH CARRYING THINGS.

BOB:

(with a big grin) Hey there, hi there, ho there!

RED PUTS HIS PAPER DOWN AND GLARES AT KITTY.

KITTY:

(laughs nervously) Surprise!

BOB:

(smiling, he hold up several bottles) We didn't know what kind of mood you were in so we brought some wine, some of that fancy imported beer and -

JOANNE:

(interrupting Bob she holds up the bowl she is carrying) Some delicious, freshly fried cheese curds.

KITTY LOOKS AT RED ANXIOUSLY. RED LOOKS AT EVERYTHING THEY HAVE BROUGHT AND JUST SHRUGS.

RED:

Oh what the hell, one night won't kill me.

KITTY LAUGHS AND CLAPS. SHE GETS UP AND TAKES THE BOWL FROM JOANNE. BOB HEADS TO THE BAR WITH ALL HIS BOTTLES.

END SCENE.

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 5

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S LIVING ROOM IN POINT PLACE. THAT NIGHT. THE LIGHTS ARE LOW AND THERE ARE CANDLES BURNING. THERE ARE BOWLS OF CANDY ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE. ABBA'S, _"DANCING QUEEN"_ IS PLAYING ON THE RECORD PLAYER. THE GAME CANDY LAND, A BOTTLE OF WINE AND TWO GLASSES ARE SITTING ON THE COFFEE TABLE. FEZ ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND LOOKS AROUND IN AWE.

FEZ:

(gleefully) Oh my God, I have gone to heaven.

LAURIE ENTERS THROUGH THE DOOR AND LOOKS AROUND. SHE STOPS WHEN SHE SEES FEZ.

LAURIE:

What's goin' on? I thought we were having a party? (holds up some magazines) Eric made me bring his disgusting girly magazines.

FEZ:

(with an enormous smile) Oh this is the greatest party in the history of time!

LAURIE:

(looking around) Where's everybody else?

FEZ:

(quickly) Who cares more candy for us!

LAURIE:

(she smiles, touched) You want to share your candy with me?

FEZ:

If you share your magazines with me.

LAURIE:

(she shrugs) You can have them.

FEZ:

(with a cheesy fake smile) Well in that case, baby, have a seat.

LAURIE CROSSES TO FEZ, THEY SMILE NERVOUSLY AT EACH OTHER AND THEN THEY SIT ON THE COUCH. LAURIE SETS THE MAGAZINES DOWN. FEZ PICKS UP A BOWL OF CANDY AND SHYLY OFFERS SOME TO LAURIE. SHE SMILES AND TAKES SOME. THEY SIT QUIETLY ON THE COUCH SHARING THE BOWL OF CANDY.

LAURIE:

(with sad, puppy dog eyes) Fez, I'm really sorry about Casey. I didn't know you liked me.

FEZ:

(giving Laurie a small smile) It's not your fault. The Kelso men are irresistible. It is their gift and their curse.

LAURIE:

(scooting a little closer to Fez) You know, Fez, you're a good guy. You may be a little twisted, but you're nice to me and you make me happy with your dirty jokes and the weird way you're always staring at me. (she pauses and then looks at Fez with a spacey smile) Do you think you could still like me?

FEZ:

(smiling at her) Laurie, when I look at you it is as if 100 jelly beans are dancing in my stomach. And you give me needs, (suddenly very serious) oh so many needs.

LAURIE:

(with a ditzy smile) Oh Fez, you say the sweetest things. And I like that you have needs, Fez, (sexily) because I have needs too.

FEZ:

(with a sexy Fez smile) Not anymore, baby.

FEZ STANDS UP AND OFFERS HIS HAND TO LAURIE.

FEZ:(cont')

May I have this dance, my lovely?

LAURIE:

Wow. Sure.

SHE RISES AND THEY START DANCING. FEZ TWIRLS LAURIE INTO HIM AND THEIR FACES ARE JUST INCHES APART. THEY SMILE NERVOUSLY AT EACH OTHER.

LAURIE:

Fez, I don't wanna get divorced.

FEZ:

(sighing, dreamily) Oh, Laurie, you are my dancing queen.

THEY START MAKING OUT. BEHIND THEM, ERIC AND DONNA SNEAK INTO THE ROOM QUIETLY AND SNAP A PICTURE OF FEZ AND LAURIE KISSING. FEZ AND LAURIE STOP KISSING AND TURN TO ERIC AND DONNA.

LAURIE:

Eric, what the hell?

FEZ:

(yelling) Oh sure, all these years I beg you to take pictures of me making out with a woman and now you finally decide it's ok?

ERIC:

(laughing) Sorry guys, but we really needed a little memento for Jackie and Hyde.

ERIC AND DONNA EXIT, STILL LAUGHING. FEZ AND LAURIE JUST SHRUG AND GO BACK TO MAKING OUT.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S HOTEL ROOM. JACKIE IS DRESSED AND STANDING OVER HYDE, WHO IS STILL NAKED, AND SLEEPING IN BED. JACKIE RIPS THE SHEET OFF OF HIS CHEST.

HYDE:

(half-asleep) Jackie, you've gotta give me another 20 minutes. I'm not a machine.

JACKIE:

(with a peppy smile) Steven, get dressed. We're going out. (pouting) We're only in Hawaii for another 24 hours and I want to see something besides the ceiling of this hotel room. (trying to be sweet) Steven, we're here on this beautiful island, we have to leave this room and see some things.(very pouty) I want to go home with some pictures.

HYDE:

(with a very dirty smile) We've taken pictures.

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes) None that we can show people. (she pauses) Ok, look. (she sits down on the bed with him) If you're a good husband, and you spend the day doing stupid touristy stuff with me, (she runs her finger down his chest and gives him a seductive smile) after it gets dark out - we can do it on the beach.

JACKIE WAITS FOR HIS ANSWER, HE PAUSES LIKE HE'S THINKING ABOUT IT.

HYDE:

Deal. (he pauses and they stare at each other) One for the road?

JACKIE QUICKLY NODS AND HYDE REACHES FOR HER. HE TAKES HER FACE IN HIS HANDS AND KISSES HER. IN ONE QUICK MOVEMENT HE FLIPS HER OVER, LAYS HER DOWN ON THE BED AND GETS ON TOP OF HER. SHE SQUEALS AND THROWS HER ARMS AROUND HIS NECK.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"Takin' Care of Business"

Kitty helps Jackie find her true calling and Hyde gets Eric his dream job.


	9. Takin' Care Of Business

"Takin' Care of Business"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Bachman-Turner Overdrive

I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disaster that was Season 8. This is episode 8-2.

Thanks for continuing to read and review!

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN. MORNING. ABOUT ONE MONTH AFTER JACKIE AND HYDE'S WEDDING. RED AND ERIC ARE SEATED AT THE TABLE. THEY ARE BOTH EATING BREAKFAST. RED IS WEARING HIS GARAGE UNIFORM. KITTY IS AT THE STOVE, COOKING MORE FOOD. HYDE ENTERS FOLLOWED BY JACKIE.

KITTY:

(to Hyde and Jackie) Well, good morning you two.

HYDE SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE, JACKIE SITS NEXT TO HIM.

KITTY:

Steven, do you want some breakfast before you go to work?

HYDE:

No thanks, Mrs. Forman. Jackie made me a big bowl of Fruity Pebbles so I'm good.

JACKIE:

(smiling) It's a good thing there are about fifty different kinds of cereals.

KITTY CROSSES TO THE COUNTER WHERE THERE ARE SOME GLASSES OF JUICE.

KITTY:

(to Hyde) Well, at least have some Tang before you go.

HYDE:

(with an wicked smile) No thanks, I already had some of that too.

JACKIE HITS HIM AND ERIC SPITS HIS MILK OUT HE IS LAUGHING SO HARD.

KITTY:

Jackie, I am so proud of you for giving Steven Tang before he goes to work. It helps boys start their day out right.

HYDE:

(smiles) It sure does.

KITTY:

I give Eric Tang every morning.

ERIC:

(looks horrified) Mom, please stop talking.

KITTY:

What? Tang is loaded with good stuff. (points at Eric) You make sure when you and Donna get married she gives you Tang every morning too.

RED:

(with a grimace) Kitty, please.

KITTY:

Oh don't worry, Red, you'll get your Tang too. Don't be so impatient.

ERIC:

(squeezing his eyes shut) For the love of God, please stop.

HYDE:

(looks a little queasy) Well, now that this conversation has taken a really creepy wrong turn I'm going to work. (turns to Eric) You ready, Forman?

JACKIE:

(gives Hyde a pouty look) I still don't understand why Eric gets to go to work with you and you won't let me come.

HYDE:

Jackie, I told you, my dad wants to talk to Forman about something. (points at Jackie) And you can't come back to the store until you promise to stop yelling at people for not buying more disco.

JACKIE:

(very bratty) Fine, just go. I'm just gonna ... well I've got lots of ... ok, (pouts again) I don't know what I'm going to do today, but I'm sure it will be fabulous.

HYDE:

(smiles at her) Bye. (he leans over and gives her a kiss)

HYDE STANDS UP AND HEADS OUT THE SLIDING DOOR.

ERIC:

(to Red and Kitty) Ok, see you guys later.

RED:

(with a very sarcastic smile) Can't wait.

ERIC EXITS.

RED:(cont'd)

Well, I've got to get going too.

JACKIE:

(with a smile) Ooh, do you need some help at the shop today, Mr. Forman?

RED:

(quickly to Jackie) No. (he stands up and crosses to Kitty) Bye Kitty.

RED KISSES KITTY AND THEN HE LEAVES. JACKIE SILENTLY POUTS AND THEN SHE TURNS AROUND IN HER CHAIR AND WATCHES KITTY AS SHE CLEANS UP.

JACKIE:

(excitedly) So, Mrs. Forman, what are we gonna do today?

KITTY:

(looks at Jackie and laughs nervously) Well, I am going to clean up the kitchen, do some laundry, vacuum the house and then get started on dinner.

JACKIE:

(frowns) Oh. (she stands and crosses over to Kitty) I was thinking more along the lines of go shopping, do our nails and have some wine.

KITTY:

(giving Jackie a sympathetic smile) Oh sweetie, I can't go shopping. I have too much to do. (pauses and grins) But the wine part sounds good.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. GROOVES RECORD STORE. ABOUT AN HOUR LATER. THERE ARE A FEW CUSTOMERS WANDERING AROUND THE STORE. HYDE IS BEHIND THE CASH REGISTER ORGANIZING SOME PAPERS. ERIC AND LEO ARE ON THE COUCH IN THE LISTENING PIT. ERIC IS READING A COMIC BOOK AND LEO HAS A PAIR OF HEADSETS ON.

ERIC:

(taps Leo on the shoulder) What are you listening to, Leo?

LEO:

The Dead man, they speak to me.

ERIC:

(nods) Yeah I love The Grateful Dead too.

LEO:

(giving Eric a smile) No, man, it's my uncle, he's dead and he's speaking to me.

ERIC NODS WITH A STRANGE SMILE. LEO GOES BACK TO LISTENING. W.B. ENTERS AND LOOKS AROUND SMILING. HE HEADS TO THE REGISTER.

HYDE:

Hey, W.B. how's it going?

W.B.:

(shaking Hyde's hand) Great! (with a smile) I'm richer today than I was yesterday.

HYDE:

(with a small laugh) I'm happy I could help make that happen for you, man.

W.B.

Me too. So should we go next door, did you bring Eric with you?

HYDE:

(loudly to Eric) Hey, Forman, if you can tear yourself away from Batman, my dad wants to have a word with you.

ERIC:

(laughing, embarrassed) What? Batman ... no I was ... Ok. I read Batman, so sue me.

W.B.

(to Eric) That's ok. That's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.

ERIC:

(excited) Oh my God, you read Batman comics too?

W.B.

What are you crazy?

W.B. LEADS ERIC OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR OF THE STORE.

CUT TO HYDE AND LEO IN THE LISTENING PIT. HYDE LEANS DOWN AND LIFTS ONE OF THE EARPHONES OFF OF LEO'S EARS.

HYDE:

Hey, Leo, can you watch the store for a minute, man?

LEO:

(giving Hyde a smile) Sure, man, no problem. (he pauses , confused) Watch it do what, man?

HYDE:

Ok, just stand here (he indicates the register) and don't let anyone steal anything.

LEO:

No problem, man.

LEO GETS UP AND STANDS BEHIND THE CASH REGISTER

LEO:(cont'd)

You know, I can be a real hardass when I want to.

HYDE:

(with a smile) I bet you can.

CUT TO W.B., HYDE AND ERIC IN AN EMPTY STORE.

ERIC:

(wandering around the store) Wow, I didn't know the store next door to you went out of business.

HYDE:

I knew a health food store wouldn't last long here. I mean, this is Wisconsin, man. If it's not cheese, sausage or beer we don't eat it.

ERIC:

(to Hyde) So, what's gonna go in here now?

W.B.

Well, that's why I asked Steven to bring you here today, Eric. I understand that you're quite the "Star Wars" fan.

ERIC:

(with a grin) Well, I don't like to brag but I am a charter member of the Luke Skywalker fan club.

W.B.

Well, a good friend of mine is in the movie business and he tells me that in a little less than a year there is going to be a new "Star Wars" movie coming out.

ERIC:

(looks shell-shocked) Are you kidding? Please say you're not kidding 'cause you can't toy with me like that.

W.B.

(with a small laugh) No, I'm not kidding. So, since the merchandise from the first movie did so well I thought I'd open a new store. (he pauses, looking at Eric) One that sells "Star Wars" items. Like, "Star Wars" comic books, action figures, models - that kind of stuff. We'll sell other stuff too; lots of different comics, collectible toys, trading cards, magazines - (he smiles) mostly the dirty ones of course.

ERIC:

(like an excited little kid) Wow, I'm gonna be at your store everyday.

W.B. LAUGHS

ERIC:(cont'd)

(flatly) I'm deadly serious.

W.B.

That's kind of what I was hoping. You see, Steven told me how much you like that kind of stuff so I was thinking, you'd be perfect to run the store.

ERIC:

(with a glazed-over look) I can't feel my face. Is my face still there? Everything's going all fuzzy.

HYDE:

(to W.B.) Man, I told you to break the news slowly. Now he's going into shock.

HYDE GRABS A CHAIR AND SITS ERIC DOWN. ERIC CONTINUES TO LOOK LIKE HE'S GOING TO PASS OUT. W.B. WATCHES THEM IN AMUSEMENT.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT. THAT AFTERNOON. KITTY IS AT THE DRYER FOLDING LAUNDRY. JACKIE IS SITTING IN THE ARM OF THE COUCH WATCHING HER.

JACKIE:

(pensively) Mrs. Forman, do you like what you do?

KITTY:

What you mean being a nurse?

JACKIE:

No. I mean the stuff you do here at home. The cooking and the cleaning and that stuff.

KITTY:

(with a sweet smile) I love it. Of course sometimes I would like a little help. (she looks mildly irritated) Not much, just maybe a made bed here, a dusted shelf there. (starts to go a little nutty) It's not like I'm asking for the moon. (Jackie looks at Kitty strangely and Kitty puts a smile back on) But, there's something very satisfying about taking care of the people you love. And, I'm my own boss, so I can break for happy hour whenever I want to. (she laughs)

JACKIE:

It's just I get so bored and lonely when Steven goes to work everyday. Ever since they canceled my public access show I have nothing to do. (slowly getting more and more depressed) Donna's got a job, Michael's got a job, Fez has a job, Eric finally went back to work, which is good because he was starting to look really bummy, I mean, even Laurie's got a job now that she's working with Fez at the salon.

KITTY:

(with a huge smile) Oh, I am so proud of her. She is such a good receptionist. She always was so sweet.

JACKIE:

(looking at Kitty like she's crazy) No she wasn't.

KITTY:

(shrugs) Ok, she wasn't, (with a smile) but she's trying.

JACKIE:

(with a big sigh) I just don't know what to do with my life.

KITTY:

Well, what's the one thing you've always wanted to be?

JACKIE:

(pauses, thinking) Well, I always thought I wanted to be on TV but it wasn't as glamourous as I thought it would be. (pouting) No one recognized me on the street. No one gave me free stuff, and really, why else would you wanna be on TV? (she pauses, watching Kitty fold clothes) Mrs. Forman, do you want some help with that?

KITTY:

(with an excited smile) Oh my goodness, I would love some help. (pauses and smiles at Jackie) You know what, I've got a special treat for us.

CUT TO INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM. JACKIE AND KITTY ARE SEATED ON THE COUCH FOLDING LAUNDRY. THEY ARE WATCHING A SOAP OPERA, HAVING A GLASS OF WINE AND EATING SOME CHEESE PUFFS.

KITTY:

(points at the TV) Now, she doesn't know that he's really her father in disguise.

JACKIE:

(wide-eyed watching the TV) Oh my God, that's horrible. What if she makes out with him? (she grabs a cheese puff) Mrs. Forman, these cheese puffs are amazing.

KITTY:

(leans into Jackie and speaks quietly) And they're magic. When I make them, Red does whatever I want.

JACKIE:

(wide-eyed) Wow, food can do that?

KITTY:

Ok, Jackie, now that you're married I'm going to tell you a little secret. You know how sex makes men happy for a few hours?

JACKIE:

Yeah.

KITTY:

(leans into Jackie, like she's telling her a secret) Well, food can make men happy for almost a whole day.

JACKIE:

(pauses, thinking) I don't think I've ever seen Steven in a good mood for almost a whole day.

KITTY:

Do you want me to teach you how to make the cheese puffs?

JACKIE:

(frowning) Oh, I'm a terrible cook.

KITTY:

I know you are, sweetie, but it's not your fault. It's because your tart of a mother never taught you how.

JACKIE:

(shrugs) Well, that's true. Although she did teach me how to make really good margaritas.

KITTY:

That's nice, but we can't live on margaritas. Believe me, I've tried.

JACKIE:

(smiling sweetly) You know what, Mrs. Forman, this is really fun.

KITTY:

(shrugs nonchalantly) After about 20 years it loses its' charm. (raising her glass with a smile) But the wine still tastes good.

JACKIE AND KITTY CLINK GLASSES AND TURN THEIR ATTENTION BACK TO THE LAUNDRY AND THE TV.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT. THAT EVENING. DONNA IS AT THE RECORD PLAYER PICKING OUT SOME MUSIC. KELSO IS SITTING ON THE LAWN CHAIR AND FEZ AND LAURIE ARE ON THE COUCH. FEZ HAS HIS ARM AROUND HER. ERIC AND HYDE ENTER THROUGH THE BASEMENT DOOR.

DONNA:

(to Eric and Hyde) Hey guys.

HYDE:

Hey. (looking around) Where's Jackie?

LAURIE:

(to Hyde) Oh she's upstairs helping my mom with dinner.

HYDE:

(with a chuckle) No, seriously. Where's Jackie?

FEZ:

(stands up) Now that you are all here, Laurie and I have an important announcement.

KELSO:

Fez, we don't wanna know how many times you and Laurie did it last night.

FEZ:

(giving Kelso a nasty glare) Oh you will listen and you will like it.

LAURIE:

Fez, that's not what we were gonna tell them.

FEZ:

(with a very cheesy lovey-dovey smile) You are right. I am sorry, my lovely.

LAURIE STAND UP NEXT TO FEZ AND EXCITEDLY HOLDS UP HER LEFT HAND AND FEZ'S.

LAURIE:

Fez and I got wedding rings!

FEZ:

(quietly) And it was four times.

DONNA CROSSES TO LAURIE TO LOOK AT HER RING. LAURIE IS SMILING A HUGE DITZY SMILE.

DONNA:

Laurie, your diamond is pink.

LAURIE:

I know, (she smiles at Fez) Fez thought it looked like candy.

FEZ:

(smiling proudly) It looks like she is wearing a beautiful, shiny jellybean.

HYDE CROSSES TO FEZ AND PATS HIM ON THE BACK.

HYDE:

Fez, welcome to The Club man. Red's our leader and we meet in secret. I'll give you a schedule later.

KELSO:

(yells indignantly) UH! I wanna be in The Club!

HYDE:

(shrugs) Fine, you've gotta get married.

KELSO:

(pauses and then pouts) Never mind, I'll form my own club.

DONNA:

So Eric, what was _your_ big news?

ERIC:

(excitedly) Ok guys, brace yourself. It's big. It's gonna change my life. I finally feel like I've got something that's going to make me happy for a long time.

DONNA:

What?

ERIC:

(yells) There's a new "Star Wars" movie coming out!

DONNA:

(slightly irritated) That's it? That's your life changing news?

HYDE:

(giving Eric an dirty look) No that's not it. (he froggs Eric) The store you moron, tell her about the store.

ERIC:

Oh yeah, see this life changing news has two parts. (in a dramatic voice) Just like "Star Wars".

DONNA:

Ok, so what's part two?

ERIC:

(excitedly) Oh, it's called, "The Empire Strikes Back"

DONNA:

(slowly like she's talking to a child) Eric, part two of your life, not Luke Skywalker's.

ERIC:

Right. (with a big grin) Well, my part two is Hyde's dad is opening a new store and he wants me to run it. (quickly) It's a

"Star Wars" store. It's gonna sell all sorts of "Star Wars" stuff and comic books, action figures, baseball cards and, the cherry on top of this little cake, (with a giggle) girlie magazines.

HYDE:

(grins) It'll be like a giant nerd magnet.

DONNA:

(happily) Eric, that's amazing! (she hugs him) When do you start?

ERIC:

(seriously) Well, I told W.B. I had to think about it.

DONNA:

(shouts) What?

LAURIE:

(to Eric) God, you are such a moron.

KELSO:

(giving Eric a nasty glare) You're going after my title again, aren't you. (wagging his finger spastically) Well you can't have it, Eric (yelling) I am now, and will always be, the stupidest man alive!

ERIC:

No, (to Donna) look, I just wanted to talk to you about it first.

DONNA:

(she smiles) Eric, that's so sweet of you. But you have to take this job. George Lucas himself couldn't have come up with a better job for you.

ERIC:

I know, but I thought you really liked the idea of me being a teacher.

DONNA:

Eric, I just liked the idea of you having a job. I didn't really care what it was.

HYDE:

Forman, you've gotta take this job, man. Think of all the trouble we can get into during our breaks.

ERIC:

(looking at Donna, seriously) Donna, if I take this job it means staying in Point Place.

KELSO:

(pouting) Man, why do you guys always act like you wanna leave Point Place? What's wrong with Point Place? (getting excited) We've got The Hub if we get hungry, there's a bar if we get thirsty, and Mount Hump if we get horny. (with a dopey grin) I think Point Place is a sweet town.

HYDE:

And, we've got Kelso, one of Point Place's finest, watching out for us. So, as long as he doesn't accidentally shoot one of us we'll always be safe.

DONNA:

(sweetly) Eric, I want you to take the job. And I want to stay in Point Place. It's our home. (with a wicked smile) And besides, things are finally getting interesting around here. One of these days, Jackie and Hyde or Fez and Laurie are gonna have an awesome fight and I wanna be here when that happens

ERIC:

Thanks, Donna.

ERIC GIVES DONNA A KISS AND THEN HUGS HER. KELSO, LOOKING A LITTLE NERVOUS LEANS INTO DONNA.

KELSO:

(quietly) Hey Donna, I'm glad you guys are staying and all but I'm not making any promises that I won't accidentally shoot anybody.

DONNA:

(with a laugh) Kelso, your title is safe. Long live The King.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN A SHORT WHILE LATER. RED, ERIC AND HYDE ARE SEATED AT THE TABLE. KITTY IS AT THE COUNTER FINISHING DINNER, JACKIE IS STANDING NEXT TO HER, HELPING HER.

KITTY:

Well I am just so proud of my two kids. Proud and so relieved. (she laughs)

RED:

(sarcastically)Yeah, me too. I'm so proud I could fight in two wars for this country's freedom so my daughter could marry a mush mouth foreigner and my son could waste a year of his life being lazy and then a good paying job could just magically fall into his lap. (to Eric) Who needs hard work?

ERIC:

Yeah, it's like I always say, "good things come to those who do nothing."

KITTY:

Ok, dinner is served.

SETTING DOWN SOME FOOD ON THE TABLE.

HYDE:

Thanks, Mrs. Forman. Everything looks great.

KITTY:

Well, Jackie helped.

JACKIE:

(smiles proudly) I made the salad.

ERIC:

(under his breath to the guys) Ok, nobody eat the salad.

KITTY:

You should've seen her chopping vegetables. (she demonstrates, her arms flailing around wildly) She was like one of those crazy Japanese chefs.

HYDE:

(grinning at Jackie) That's it, baby, take your aggressions out on vegetables and not me.

KITTY:

I have a wonderful idea, let's have a cocktail party to celebrate Laurie and Eric's exciting news. (with a smug smile) We can invite everyone who said they would never amount to anything.

RED:

(flatly) Kitty, our house isn't that big.

KITTY:

Jackie, would you like to help me with the party?

JACKIE:

(looks touched) I would love to.

HYDE:

Mrs. Forman, you might want to clarify what she means by help. 'Cause usually it means: stand around and tell you what you're doing wrong.

JACKIE:

(shooting Hyde a dirty look) Well this time, "help", actually means help.

KITTY:

Then it's settled, Jackie you can help me clean and decorate.

JACKIE:

(with an excited smile) Oh and don't forget cook.

ERIC:

(to Jackie) Ok, I know we don't like most of our neighbors but I don't think we actually want to kill them.

JACKIE JUST ROLLS HER EYES AND SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE WITH THEM. KITTY PATS HER ON THE HEAD.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 6

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S BEDROOM. LATE THAT NIGHT. JACKIE IS WEARING HER NIGHTGOWN AND STANDING OVER THE BED. IT IS COMPLETELY MADE AND THERE ARE A LOT OF PILLOWS ON IT, IT LOOKS VERY PRETTY. SHE IS FLUFFING UP ONE OF THE PILLOWS AND HYDE COMES IN THE ROOM. HE TAKES HIS SUNGLASSES OFF AND THROWS THEM ON THE NIGHT STAND. HE'S LOOKING STRANGELY AT THE BED.

HYDE:

What's with the bed?

JACKIE:

(smiling proudly) I made it.

HYDE:

(suspiciously) Why? Did you hide something in it?

JACKIE:

No, I just thought it looked nice.

HYDE:

(confused) Jackie, you never make the bed.

JACKIE:

(shrugs) I know, but if I don't who's going to? You?

HYDE:

No. Making the bed is pointless. We're just gonna get in there and mess it up.

JACKIE:

I don't care. I'm gonna start making the bed.

HYDE:

(with a sly grin) Can we still mess it up?

JACKIE:

Of course.

HYDE:

Then make away, baby.

HE SMILES AND LEANS OVER TO GIVE HER A KISS.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT FORMAN KITCHEN. ONE WEEK LATER. MORNING. JACKIE AND KITTY ARE BUSY PREPARING FOOD. THERE ARE SEVERAL BOWLS AND MEASURING CUPS OUT ON THE COUNTER. THERE ARE ALSO SEVERAL BASIC INGREDIENTS LIKE EGGS, MILK, BUTTER, ETC. AND THERE ARE TWO GLASSES OF WINE ON THE COUNTER.

KITTY:

Jackie, you have come so far this week. I am so proud of you for cracking the eggs!

JACKIE:

(with a huge smile) I know! I don't know why I didn't think of wearing rubber gloves before.

KITTY:

Ok, now that you've got everything in the bowl, we mix. Now when we mix it helps to have a little rhythm. So I sing. (with a big smile) Elvis really works the best because then you can get your whole body into it.

KITTY BEGINS SINGING AND MIXING. SHE REALLY GETS INTO THE SONG AND SHE MIXES IN TIME WITH THE MUSIC.

KITTY:(cont'd)

(singing) "_I'm just a hunk-a hunk-a burning love. I'm just a hunk-a hunk-a burning love" _Now you try it.

SHE HANDS THE BOWL TO JACKIE WHO TAKES IT, A LITTLE APPREHENSIVELY.

JACKIE:

(singing) "_I'm just a hunk-a hunk-a burning love. _(slowly she gets more and more into it.) "_I'm just a hunk-a hunk-a burning love."_

KITTY:

(laughing) That's perfect. (then serious) But, of course, we don't really want our meatballs to actually be burnt hunks because nobody likes burnt Swedish meatballs. (laughs again) Ok (looking in the bowl) that looks good. So, put that in the fridge and we start on the cheese dip. (Jackie puts the bowl in the fridge) You see, Jackie, timing is everything when you're cooking. You do all your prep work first, then you work on your dishes that need to be refrigerated and do you know what we do while those dishes are chilling?

JACKIE:

We have a glass of wine?

KITTY:

Exactly! (with a dismissive wave) Oh and you work on your dishes that need to be cooked .

JACKIE:

(like she's had a revelation) Oh my God, I get it! Cooking is just like getting ready for a date. While your foundation is setting you do your hair. And then, while you wait for your hot rollers to cool you finish your make-up.

KITTY:

And, just like a date, after people eat your food you want them to leave satisfied and hungry for more.

KITTY AND JACKIE SMILE AND START WORKING ON ANOTHER DISH.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM. THAT EVENING. THE PARTY IS IN FULL SWING. EVERYONE IS DRESSED UP AND HAVING A DRINK AND OR SOME FOOD. ALL THE FAMILIAR FACES ARE THERE AND SOME OTHER GUESTS MINGLING AROUND. THE SONG, "_BABY, WHAT A BIG SURPRISE" _BY CHICAGO IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. JACKIE IS WALKING AROUND OFFERING PEOPLE MEATBALLS OFF OF A TRAY. SHE STOPS WHEN SHE SEES BOB AND JOANNE ON THE COUCH.

BOB:

(eating a meatball with a smile) Jackie, these meatballs are delicious and I know good meatballs.

JOANNE:

(nodding in agreement) It's true. (she smiles st Bob) He's a meatball connoisseur.

BOB:

Aww ... thanks Jojo. (he puts his arm around Joanne)

JACKIE:

(with a huge smile) Make sure you try the cheese dip.

BOB:

Ooh cheese dip! What a great party!

CUT TO FEZ AND LAURIE ON THE STAIRCASE. FEZ HAS HIS ARM AROUND LAURIE. SHE IS HOLDING ONTO AN OPEN PRESENT. KITTY COMES UP THE STAIRS TO JOIN THEM.

KITTY:

Laurie, Fez, are you enjoying the party?

FEZ:

(staring starry-eyed at Laurie) Oh, Miss Kitty, this party is perfect! It has my Laurie _and_ pie.

LAURIE:

(looking slightly irritated) Why do these stupid people keep giving me baby gifts? This is a party for my wedding.

SHE PULLS A BABY BLANKET OUT OF THE BOX SHE IS HOLDING AND SHE AND FEZ STARE CLUELESSLY AT IT. KITTY JUST SHAKES HER HEAD AND HEADS TO THE KITCHEN.

CUT TO HYDE AND KELSO STANDING OVER BY THE BOOKCASE HAVING A BEER. AND WATCHING JACKIE WALK AROUND THE ROOM.

KELSO:

Hey, Hyde, you know what Jackie needs?

HYDE:

What's that?

KELSO:

(with a big, perverted smile) One of those little French maid costumes.

HYDE:

(pauses like he's thinking about it and then smiles slyly) Yeah.

HYDE LOOKS OVER AT KELSO AND NOTICES HE IS LEERING AT JACKIE. HYDE'S EXPRESSION CHANGES TO PISSED LOOKING.

HYDE:(cont'd)

(irritated) Why are you smiling?

KELSO:

(with a laugh) 'Cause Jackie in a French maid outfit is a happy thought, Hyde.

HYDE FROGGS KELSO, WHO GRABS HIS ARM IN PAIN.

CUT TO DONNA SITTING ON THE ORGAN BENCH. JACKIE SITS DOWN NEXT TO HER. DONNA IS SMILING AT JACKIE WITH MILD AMUSEMENT.

DONNA:

Wow, Jackie, you've really gotten into this whole hostess slash Stepford Wife role.

JACKIE:

(with a snotty smile) Well why wouldn't I? People are paying even more attention to me now than they usually do if you can believe that.

DONNA:

(sincerely) I'm glad you finally found something you enjoy doing that doesn't involve inflicting misery on me.

JACKIE:

(sweetly) Thank you, Donna.

DONNA:

(nudges Jackie playfully) So, I guess this means I can't persuade you to join the board of the Young Feminists of Wisconsin.

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes at Donna) Donna, I listen to Heart and Fleetwood Mac. How much more of a feminist do I need to be?

JACKIE PUTS A SMILE BACK ON AND STARTS WALKING AROUND THE ROOM AGAIN. DONNA JUST SHAKES HER HEAD AND LAUGHS.

CUT TO W.B. AND ERIC AT THE BAR. RED IS MIXING A DRINK FOR W.B.

RED:

So, W.B., you think people will really buy all this "Star Wars" crap?

W.B.

(smiles and nods) I know they will. When the merchandise from the first movie came out stores sold out of everything they had. They had nothing to sell but rainchecks and people bought all those up too.

RED:

You're kidding me? You mean there are other people out there like him? (he points at Eric)

ERIC:

(deadly serious) I told you, Dad, we're everywhere.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN. JACKIE AND KITTY ARE AT THE COUNTER PUTTING MORE FOOD OUT ON THE TRAYS.

JACKIE:

(very catty) Mrs. Forman, did you see what Hilary Peterson was wearing?

KITTY:

(nodding in agreement) Oh, she is such a tramp. Oops (she laughs) that's the wine talking.

JACKIE:

(with a surprised grin) I can't believe how much fun I've had this week. (a little embarrassed) But, I'm really sorry about the laundry.

KITTY:

(smiles) Well, I have loved having the company, Jackie. (she shrugs) And now you know you have to separate the whites from the colors when you do the wash.

JACKIE:

_And_ (she claps her hands like she's doing a cheer) now I also know what I want to do with my life.

KITTY:

Well good.

JACKIE:

(she nods) I want to be like you.

KITTY:

(she's so touched it looks like she might cry) You want to be like me?

JACKIE:

Why wouldn't I? Mrs. Forman, what you do is amazing! You take care of everything and everyone. I used to think you were kind of like a maid, but that's not true at all.

KITTY:

Well, some days I am the maid, (slightly irritated) the over worked, under-appreciated maid.

JACKIE:

No, you're not. (very serious) Mrs. Forman, you're not the maid. You're the concierge. And the concierge is in charge. And everybody comes to you when they need stuff or when they have questions. They shouldn't even call your job "housewife" you know what they should call you - a beautifier. Because that's what you do. You make things more beautiful.

KITTY:

(she pauses, thinking) Yes, I suppose I do. Well good for me! (she laughs) And good for you too, Jackie! But are really sure this is what you want to do? It's a 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year job. (she pauses, looking slightly cranky) You don't even get Mother's Day off. (now she's getting a little worked up) You'd think you would but ... you don't.

HYDE ENTERS FROM THE LIVING ROOM. HE GRABS A COOKIE OFF OF THE TRAY IN FRONT OF JACKIE AND POPS IT INTO HIS MOUTH. THEN HE SMILES, LEANS OVER AND GIVES JACKIE A KISS ON THE CHEEK. THEN HE HEADS RIGHT BACK TO THE LIVING ROOM.

KITTY:

Well, it's hard work, you don't get paid, and there's no time off. (she smiles) But the benefits are great.

JACKIE SMILES AND THEY GO BACK TO WORK.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM. THAT EVENING. FEZ AND LAURIE ARE AT THE ORGAN WHERE FEZ IS PLAYING A SONG AND SINGING. RED IS STANDING BEHIND THE BAR LOOKING VERY CRANKY AS HE WATCHES FEZ SING. KELSO IS ON THE COUCH TALKING WITH BOB AND JOANNE. HYDE, AND W.B. ARE AT THE BOOKCASE HAVING A DRINK. JACKIE AND KITTY ARE CIRCULATING THE ROOM WITH TRAYS OF FOOD. ERIC AND DONNA ARE SITTING ON THE STAIRS. THERE ARE STILL A FEW OTHER GUESTS WANDERING AROUND.

CUT TO ERIC AND DONNA

ERIC:

(to Donna with a mock-threatening tone) Say it.

DONNA:

No.

ERIC:

Say it, or I swear to God I'll go sit with Fez and we'll do a duet of , _"Feel Like Makin' Love"_.

DONNA:

(begrudgingly) Fine. (she pauses) You were right. "Star Wars" is the key to a happy life.

ERIC:

(smiles) Thank you. (with his best sexy look) So. Do you think I'm sexier now that I'm going to be the manager of my own store?

DONNA:

(with a small laugh) No.

ERIC:

Not even a little?

DONNA:

Well, maybe a little.

ERIC:

That's good enough for me.

HE LEANS IN AND KISSES HER.

CUT TO FEZ AND LAURIE AT THE ORGAN. FEZ IS SINGING AND LAURIE IS SMILING AT HIM.

FEZ:

(singing) "_You light up my life_

_You give me hope to carry on"_

KITTY COMES UP TO THE BAR AND STANDS NEXT TO RED.

RED:

(watching Laurie and Fez with a look of irritation) That's our son-in-law, Kitty.

KITTY:

Yep. (she snuggles up to Red and smiles) And he loves Laurie.

RED:

(he smiles reluctantly) It could be worse. She could've married Kelso.

KITTY LOOKS UP AT HIM AND THEY BOTH LAUGH. RED PUTS HIS ARM AROUND KITTY AND GIVES HER A KISS.

END SCENE

CREDITS

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM.. VERY LATE THAT EVENING. THE PARTY IS OVER AND EVERYONE IS GONE. KITTY AND JACKIE ARE PICKING UP ALL THE DISHES. HYDE IS ON THE COUCH HAVING A BEER.

JACKIE:

Mrs. Forman, I can't believe all the fuss people made over us.

KITTY:

(with a knowing smile) I told you. (leans in and whispers) Food is magic.

KITTY EXITS. JACKIE PLOPS DOWN ON HYDE'S LAP AND RESTS HER HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER.

HYDE:

So this is what you wanna do, huh? (teasing) Jackie Hyde, super wife. Who would've thought.

JACKIE:

(a little bratty)Yeah, well, who would've thought - Steven Hyde, record store manager.

HYDE:

Yeah, I guess you're right.(he pauses and grins) Steven Hyde, head shop manager, maybe.

JACKIE:

(smiles triumphantly) We are so grown up.

HYDE:

Yep.(he pauses and gets a mischievous grin) Hey, you wanna steal some of Red's beer?

JACKIE LAUGHS. THEY KISS.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"Oh Daddy"

It's Father's Day and the gang decides to throw a barbeque for Red and Bob, but things don't turn out quite like they planned.


	10. Oh Daddy

"Oh Daddy"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Fleetwood Mac.

I own nothing, so don't sue. I'm just trying to fix the horrible disaster that was Season 8. This would be episode 8-3.

Thank you again to everyone who has been reading and reviewing! I really appreciate you taking the time to do so.

ACT

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT. AFTERNOON. ABOUT SEVEN WEEKS AFTER JACKIE AND HYDE'S WEDDING. HYDE IS IN HIS CHAIR WITH JACKIE ON HIS LAP. FEZ IS ON THE COUCH WITH HIS ARM AROUND LAURIE. DONNA IS SITTING NEXT TO THEM. KELSO IS IN THE LAWN CHAIR AND ERIC IS AT THE DEEP FREEZE. THEY ARE WATCHING TV. KITTY COMES DOWN THE STAIRS.

KITTY:

(calling as she walks down the stairs) Eric ...

ERIC:

Mom, whatever it is Hyde did it.

KITTY:

(stands behind the couch) It's about your father.

ERIC:

Oh. Well in that case, (points) Fez and Laurie did it.

FEZ:

(under his breath to Laurie) Geez, you give a guy one heart attack and they never let you forget it. (Laurie nods in agreement)

KITTY:

This Sunday is Father's Day and I thought it might be nice if we did something special for your dad.

HYDE:

(with a sarcastic smile) Ah Father's Day, or as I like to call it - Maybe, Maybe Not Day.

ERIC:

Mom, the only thing Dad wants for Father's Day is to for me to leave him the hell alone.

KITTY:

Now that's just not true. Where would you get an idea like that?

ERIC:

Well, Dad says it to me every year.

DONNA:

(to Kitty) I think it's a great idea.

JACKIE:

(nods) Me too.

KELSO:

(gives the girls an irritated look) You know, how come every time I have an idea you girls shoot me down.

DONNA:

Because your ideas generally involve Jackie and I taking our clothes off.

KELSO:

(pouting) It doesn't mean they're not good ideas, Donna.

JACKIE:

(excited) Ooh, how about a barbeque?

DONNA:

That's perfect, Joanne and I can grill.

HYDE:

(to Donna) You know how to grill?

DONNA:

(shrugs) Barbeque pits scare Eric.

ERIC:

(loudly and a little embarrassed) Because they're really, really hot!

KELSO:

(excitedly raises his hand) I'm in! Anything involving fire sounds good to me!

HYDE:

I'm in too, (he smiles) because barbeque equals beer.

FEZ:

(smiling) And beer plus fire plus Kelso equals hilarity.

ERIC:

And quite often, a trip to the ER.

KELSO GIVES A BIG, DOPEY GRIN

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG.

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT THE FRIDAY BEFORE FATHER'S DAY. EARLY AFTERNOON. FEZ AND LAURIE ARE SITTING ON THE DEEP FREEZE. HYDE IS IN HIS CHAIR. JACKIE, KELSO AND DONNA ARE ON THE COUCH. ERIC IS IN THE LAWN CHAIR, WRITING ON A PIECE OF PAPER.

DONNA:

Ok, Eric, read back what the list says so far.

ERIC:

Ok, (reading) "things we need for the barbeque: number one - hot dogs, number two - beer."

HYDE:

(nods) And the list is done.

JACKIE:

(gives Hyde an exasperated look) No, it's not done.

HYDE:

(to Jackie) You're right. Number three - chips. (pauses and smiles) Now it's done.

JACKIE:

You guys, we need a gimmick. Every good party has a gimmick, like - (thinking) a disco ball, or badminton.

KELSO:

(puts his arm around Jackie and gives Hyde a taunting smile) Or wife swapping.

HYDE:

Kelso, you're such a moron. Who are you planning on swapping me for Jackie - Fez? 'Cause he's the closest thing you've got to a wife man.

FEZ:

(nodding, sadly) He's right, my friend. You really need to find yourself a girlfriend.

DONNA:

(pointing at Kelso threateningly) No wife swapping at our barbeque. In fact don't even mention it because my dad might think it sounds like fun.

FEZ:

(raises his hand excitedly) Ooh I have got it! A pinata.

ERIC:

Fez, my dad's not really a pinata kind of guy. Now if we strung a commie up for him, I bet he'd hit that.

HYDE:

(with a smirk) Hey, how about a pinata that looks like Fez. I bet Red would go crazy whacking the little thing. I mean who wouldn't want to take a whack at something that looks like the guy who's nailing your daughter.

KELSO:

(spastically jumping up off the couch) I got it! That's what I'm gonna invent! Pinatas that look like me. I could go down and sell them at the VFW to all the guys whose daughters I've done it with. I'll be rich!

LAURIE:

(to Kelso) I wish you _were_ a pinata. (with an evil smile) Then every time Hyde hit you we could all get some candy.

FEZ:

(smiling at Laurie) Ooh a burn and candy - it's genius.

KELSO, POUTING SITS BACK DOWN ON THE COUCH.

JACKIE:

(to the girls) You guys, we better get going. It's gonna be crazy at the grocery store today, it's sample day. (with disgust) All the ugos are probably already lined up outside the door. (points at the guys) Don't forget to leave your money for the present.

FEZ:

Oh Laurie, my lovely, could you pick me up some ...

LAURIE:

(interrupts him) M&Ms, blow pops and jelly beans. Don't worry I won't forget.

FEZ:

(to the guys with a smile) She knows my every want and desire.

HYDE:

Hey Jackie, why don't you pick up a little something for me too.

JACKIE:

Steven, we're going to the grocery store, not the alley behind The Hub.

HYDE:

Just find Julio in the deli and ask him for "Hyde's Special of the Day" he'll know what you mean.

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes she gives him a kiss) Goodbye.

JACKIE HEADS UPSTAIRS, LAURIE GIVES FEZ A KISS AND DONNA GIVES ERIC A KISS AND THEN THEY TOO HEAD UPSTAIRS. KELSO LOOKS AT THE OTHER GUYS AND THEN WATCHES THE GIRLS GO UP THE STAIRS.

KELSO:

(yelling at the girls) Not one of you chicks has a little love for Kelso?

THE GUYS ALL SIT IN SILENCE. HYDE REACHES FOR A MAGAZINE AND FEZ JOINS KELSO ON THE COUCH.

ERIC:

Wow. It's so quiet in here.

KELSO:

That's 'cause the chicks are gone.

FEZ:

(with a content smile) It's peaceful.

HYDE:

(getting a mischievous look in his eyes) You know what else is peaceful?

THE GUYS ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

CUT TO CIRCLE

THE SONG "_WHAT IS LIFE"_ BY GEORGE HARRISON PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

Wow, this is the first circle we've had without the girls in a long time.

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

(nodding) Yeah. Just us guys, man.

CUT TO KELSO

KELSO:

(with a big, spaced-out smile) What should we talk about?

CUT TO FEZ

FEZ:

(excitedly) Let's talk about our women.

EVERYONE THROWS STUFF AT FEZ.

FEZ:(cont'd)

(angry - Fez style) Hey, you three sons of three bitches, now that I have a woman to talk about I _will_ talk about her. (he pauses and smiles) So. How many times did you whores do it last night?

AGAIN, EVERYONE THROWS SOMETHING AT FEZ.

FEZ:

Ai! (pouting) Why can't you ever throw candy?

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT FORMAN KITCHEN. THE NEXT MORNING. ERIC, HYDE, KITTY AND JOANNE ARE SEATED AT THE TABLE. THERE IS A PIECE OF PAPER ON THE TABLE AND JOANNE AND KITTY ARE STUDYING IT.

KITTY:

Boys, this is a perfect gift. Red and Bob are going to have so much fun at the Brewers game. And look at these seats, (she smiles proudly) they're so close they'll probably get tobacco spit on them. (she laughs)

HYDE:

Yeah, I'm gonna go pick up the tickets tomorrow morning before the party.

ERIC:

And we're gonna give them whatever money's left over after we pay for the tickets so they can buy beer and stuff.

JOANNE:

(smiles) Oh that's Bob's favorite part of baseball, the beer and stuff. He doesn't even really care about the game as long as he has nachos.

ERIC:

(standing up) All right, well, we better get going. The first shipment comes into the store today so we'll be there pretty late tonight.

KITTY:

(stands and goes to get her camera) Oh, now before you go I just want to get a picture of you going off to your first day at your new job.

HYDE:

(in a teasing tone) Yeah, Forman, say cheese.

ERIC:

(rolls his eyes) Mom, please, I don't want a picture.

HYDE EXITS OUT THE SLIDING DOOR FOLLOWED BY ERIC. A FEW SECONDS PASS AND ERIC RUNS BACK INSIDE LOOKING A LITTLE NERVOUS.

ERIC:

Mom, quick take my picture (he holds up a small toy) and try to get Luke Skywalker in it too.

KITTY SMILES EXCITEDLY AND STARTS SNAPPING PICTURES.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. GROOVES RECORD STORE. A FEW HOURS LATER. THERE ARE A FEW CUSTOMERS WANDERING AROUND AND HYDE IS PUTTING AWAY SOME RECORDS. ERIC COMES IN FOLLOWED BY W.B.

HYDE:

(to W.B. and Eric) Hey, how's it going next door?

W.B.:

Well, it would be going a lot faster if Eric would quit playing with all the merchandise.

ERIC:

(embarrassed) I'm not playing. It's quality control.

ERIC WANDERS OFF TO THE LISTENING PIT.

HYDE:

(shifting his weight like he's a little nervous) W.B, I wanted to get you something, you know, for Father's Day. But since you're so stinking rich I figured you probably already have everything you need. So, I just got you the same gift I give everyone.

HYDE REACHES BEHIND THE COUNTER AND PULLS OUT A BROWN PAPER BAG. HE HANDS IT TO W.B. WHO LOOKS IN IT AND SMILES AT HYDE.

W.B.:

You give this to everyone?

HYDE:

Well, except Jackie. She has a rule, no gifts in brown paper bags.

W.B.:

(sincerely) Thanks, son.

HYDE:

I'm glad you like it because you'll also be getting it for Christmas and your birthday.

W.B.:

(pats Hyde on the back) How about a little father son bonding?

HYDE:

(smiles) That's why it's the gift that keeps on giving.

THEY HEAD TOWARDS THE OFFICE.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER.

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. DONNA'S BEDROOM. THAT AFTERNOON. DONNA IS LAYING ON HER BED READING A BOOK. JACKIE BURSTS INTO THE ROOM, SHE IS GRINNING FROM EAR TO EAR.

DONNA:

(looking at Jackie strangely) Why are you smiling so un-naturally big?

JACKIE:

Guess!

DONNA:

(frowns) Oh God, is Barbara Streisand coming to town?

JACKIE:

Nope, guess again.

DONNA:

(annoyed) I don't know, the mall finally got an Orange Julius.

JACKIE:

(exasperated, but still smiling) God, you are terrible at his game.

DONNA:

(irritated) That's because I hate this game. Just tell me what it is so I can get on with my day.

JACKIE:

(yells) I'm pregnant! (she starts jumping up and down and clapping)

DONNA:

(stunned) Holy hell, screw my day. Sit your ass down!

DONNA GRABS JACKIE BY THE WRIST AND PULLS HER DOWN ONTO THE BED.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. DONNA'S BEDROOM. A SHORT WHILE LATER. JACKIE AND DONNA ARE SITTING ON HER BED. JACKIE CANNOT STOP SMILING AND DONNA LOOKS ABSOLUTELY SHOCKED.

JACKIE:

Donna, are you ok? 'Cause you look like you're gonna pass out and I don't want you to land on me and squish my baby.

DONNA:

I can't believe it. I cannot believe you're pregnant. Now, are you sure, because if you'll recall we've been down this road before.

JACKIE:

(nodding) I'm sure. My doctor just called. (bouncing up and down on the bed) I'm gonna be a mommy!

JACKIE STARTS CLAPPING AGAIN AND ALL OF A SUDDEN DONNA JOINS HER. THEY'RE BOTH CLAPPING AND BOUNCING ON THE BED LIKE TWO LITTLE KIDS.

DONNA:

(with a huge smile) Oh my God! I'm bouncing!

JACKIE:

Doesn't it make things more fun!

DONNA:

(suddenly stops bouncing and covers her mouth in shock) Have you told Hyde yet?

JACKIE:

(she stops bouncing and looks a little nervous) No. I'm trying to think of a way to tell him that won't kill him.

DONNA:

(smiles nervously at Jackie) So, do I hug you, do you need me to get you some ice cream, what? I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

JACKIE:

(laughing) Give me a hug you big lumberjack. (points at her) But don't squeeze me too tight or ...

DONNA:

(interrupts her) I know, I know I'll squish the baby.

DONNA LAUGHS AND GIVES JACKIE A HUG. THEN DONNA PULLS AWAY AND LOOKS AT JACKIE.

DONNA:(cont'd)

(seriously) Are you scared?

JACKIE:

(with a small smile) You know what, I'm not. I mean I know Steven and I are young but we can do this. Ok, it's a little sooner than we had planned. But we've got some money saved up, we've got our house and ... (she pauses and looks Donna in the eyes) I really want to be a good mom Donna.

DONNA:

(gives Jackie a smile) I think you're gonna do just fine.

JACKIE:

(very touched) Thanks, Donna. (she pauses) God, I hope Steven is happy.

DONNA:

(starts laughing) Oh my God, Hyde is gonna be a dad. Jackie, this is like the best burn ever.

JACKIE PLAYFULLY HITS HER AND THEY BOTH LAUGH.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER.

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT. THAT NIGHT. FEZ AND KELSO ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH. ALICE COOPER'S "_SCHOOL'S OUT"_ IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

KELSO:

Do you think Hyde will realize his stash is all gone?

FEZ:

Of course he will. We will just have to do what we always do. Blame Eric.(he pause, squishing up his face like he's thinking) I am hungry. Kelso, go make me some toast.

KELSO:

No way, man. You're the foreigner, _you_ go make _me_ some toast.

FEZ:

But I like the way _you_ make the toast. You get the edges so nice and crispy just the way I like them.

KELSO:

(shrugs and smiles) That's true. I do make really good toast.

THEY BOTH TAKE OFF RUNNING UP THE STAIRS TO THE KITCHEN.

CUT TO FEZ AND KELSO IN THE FORMAN'S KITCHEN. KELSO IS RIFFLING TROUGH THE CUPBOARDS AND FEZ IS IN THE FRIDGE.

KELSO:

Wow, there's a lot of good snacks in here.

FEZ:

Screw the snacks, look at the delicious treats in the fridge.

KELSO:

(joins Fez looking into the fridge) Potato salad, baked beans, hot dogs, brats. It's almost like somebody just spent hours cooking all this delicious food for something special.

FEZ:

Do me eyes deceive me or is that icy cold, delicious beer.

THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT, THEY SMILE AND THEN THEY FRANTICALLY START GRABBING FOOD OUT OF THE FRIDGE AND PUTTING IT ON THE COUNTER. FEZ QUICKLY GRABS SOME SILVERWARE AND KELSO GRABS PLATES.

FEZ:

(stops and stares at Kelso) A little voice inside my head is telling me we should not be eating this.

KELSO:

Fez, I told you it's not normal to hear voices. Now tell 'em to pipe down so we can eat in peace.

THEY START LOADING UP THEIR PLATES WITH FOOD.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT. LATE THAT NIGHT. FEZ AND KELSO ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH. THERE ARE BEER CANS, PLATES AND EMPTY CHIP BAGS EVERYWHERE. HYDE AND ERIC COME IN THROUGH THE BASEMENT DOOR AND LOOK AROUND IN SHOCK AT THE MESS.

HYDE:

What in the hell happened in here?

ERIC:

I'll give you two guesses. (points to Fez) One. (points to Kelso) Two.

HYDE:

What did you morons do?

KELSO:

(getting excited) Well, see, Fez and I were hungry so we went upstairs and there was all this food; hot dogs, chips, even a giant cheese tray.

FEZ:

And then we were really thirsty and guess what? Next to the food there was beer. Icy cold, delicious beer.

KELSO:

(starts spazing out) But here's the best part, we found $105.00 just sitting here on the table and it didn't have anyone's name on it, so we took it.

FEZ:

(proudly) Yes, and we bought candy and porn.

KELSO:

(yells) This has been the greatest day of my life!

ERIC AND HYDE JUST STARE AT FEZ AND KELSO. LIKE THEY CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

HYDE:

So. You found all this food. And all this beer.

KELSO:

(laughing) And the money, don't forget about the money.

HYDE:

Thanks Kelso. How could I forget about the money?

ERIC:

Did it ever occur to you guys that this stuff was for, oh I don't know, (yells) THE PARTY TOMORROW!

KELSO:

(slowly) Well no, but it's occurring to me now.

FEZ:

(looks very sad) Oh my God, I feel terrible. (smiles perversely) I will have to drown my sorrows in candy and porn.

ERIC:

Yeah, that's the other thing.

HYDE:

(looks like he's going to lose it) Think back. Think waaaay back to yesterday when we chipped in $15.00 apiece to buy Red and Bob tickets to the Brewers game. What's fifteen times seven morons?

KELSO:

Hyde please, we just drank a case of beer. We're in no shape to do math.

HYDE STARTS QUICKLY RUMMAGING AROUND THROUGH STUFF LIKE HE'S LOOKING FOR SOMETHING.

ERIC:

(to Hyde) What are you doing, man?

HYDE:

(yells) Looking for the b.b. gun. I'm gonna shoot them!

FEZ:

(panicking) Oh my God, please do not kill me. I just started getting some, I'm not ready to die yet.

ERIC:

(starting to freak out) You botards ate all the food for tomorrow, not to mention the beer and the money. Where in the hell are we gonna find a grocery store that's open right now? This ain't the big city, man, it's not like we live in Kenosha!

HYDE:

You jerks have cost me money and now you're gonna cost me sleep. So somebody's gonna have to lose an eye.

KELSO:

(jumps off of the couch) Oh crap, Hyde's got a gun!

HYDE PULLS THE B.B. GUN OUT OF A BOX AND POINTS IT AT KELSO AND FEZ. THEY BOTH DIVE UNDER THE COFFEE TABLE. SUDDENLY THE DOOR OPENS AND JACKIE AND DONNA WALK IN.

JACKIE:

(a little breathless) Oh my God, Steven, there you are.

HYDE:

Thanks, Jackie, I was wondering where I was.

JACKIE:

I've been waiting up for you. (she smiles) I need to talk to you.

SHE SUDDENLY NOTICES HYDE IS HOLDING A B.B. GUN. SHE LOOKS AROUND AND SEES THE MESS.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

What's going on down here?

HYDE:

(angrily) The moron twins had a little party. They ate all the food, they drank all the beer and they spent all the money on candy and porn.

DONNA:

(to Fez and Kelso) You guys spent $105.00 on candy and porn? You have a serious problem, you know that right?

JACKIE:

(smiles at Hyde) Ok, but I have something really important to tell you.

HYDE:

(sarcastically) Ooh, let me guess, clogs are back in or maybe peach shimmer lipstick is back out.

JACKIE:

No, this is actually important.

HYDE:

As important as the great Bee Gees versus ABBA debate of '78? Because that was one the most important moments in my life.

JACKIE:

But ...

HYDE:

(interrupting her) Look, Jackie, we're having a party in 16 hours and we have no food, no presents and no beer. So unless your fabulous news is that someone died and left you a liquor slash grocery store, I've got stuff to do.

JACKIE:

(looks crushed) Oh, ok. (quietly) Um ... I guess it can wait.

SHE SMILES WEAKLY AND THEN TURNS AND LEAVES. DONNA WATCHES HER GO AND THEN SLOWLY STARTS PICKING EMPTY BEER CANS UP OFF OF THE FLOOR.

ERIC:

Thanks, Donna, we've gotta get this place cleaned up.

DONNA STARTS FURIOUSLY WHIPPING THE BEER CANS AT HYDE. HE SETS THE B.B. GUN DOWN AND PUTS HIS ARMS UP TRYING TO BLOCK THE CANS. FEZ AND KELSO COME UP FROM UNDER THE TABLE TO SEE WHAT'S GOING ON.

HYDE:

(yelling) What the hell, Donna?

DONNA:

(angrily points at Fez) King of the Perverts! (points at Kelso) King of the Morons! (points at Hyde, she's so mad she doesn't know what to say) King of the A-holes!

HYDE:

What are you talking about?

DONNA:

(really pissed) All I can tell you is this; very soon you will feel guilt the likes of which you have never experienced before. And when that time comes, I'm gonna be there to watch you squirm!

HYDE LOOKS AT HER VERY CONFUSED. DONNA TURNS TO LEAVE. HYDE HEADS TO HIS CHAIR. DONNA STOPS AND TURNS BACK TO HYDE.

DONNA:

Oh yeah, and one more thing.

SHE PICKS UP THE B.B. GUN AND SHOOTS HYDE IN THE BUTT. HE GRABS IT IN PAIN. DONNA STORMS OUT, STILL HOLDING THE B.B. GUN.

END SCENE

ACT 2

SCENE 4

EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY. MORNING. FATHER'S DAY. THE TOYOTA IS PARKED IN THE DRIVEWAY. LAURIE AND FEZ COME OUT FROM INSIDE THE KITCHEN.

FEZ:

(to Laurie) So, tell me more about confession. I can do all the naughty things I want to and then I go into a little room and tell Pastor Dave what I have done and he forgives me? So, it is like a "get out of hell free" card?

LAURIE:

Basically, yeah.

FEZ:

(smiles) Oh my God, why has no one told me of this before?

LAURIE AND FEZ GET IN THE CAR. KITTY COMES OUTSIDE FOLLOWED BY RED.

RED:

Why do I have to go to church today? It's Father's Day, I should get to choose what we do today.

KITTY:

Well, God was Jesus' father so He gets to choose what we're doing today. And He wants us to go to church.

RED:

Fine. But (points at Fez) why does Haji have to go?

KITTY:

Because, he is Laurie's husband and we are going to church as a family. And also if Laurie shows up without him people will start to talk.

RED:

(irritated) You know he's probably a pagan.

ERIC AND HYDE WALK UP THE DRIVEWAY. THEY LOOK EXHAUSTED AND ARE CARRYING SEVERAL BAGS.

KITTY:

Eric, Steven, where have you been?

ERIC:

Let's just say we've been on a little tour of the greater Osh Kosh area.

KITTY:

Eric, go get dressed for church.

ERIC:

Mom, please, I haven't slept in 26 hours.

KITTY:

(with a fake smile) Well, God doesn't really care about that. (turns to Hyde) Steven, I need you to get out all the card tables and chairs and set them all up. Then get the coals started. Oh, and Jackie's inside cooking so see if she needs any help.

HYDE:

What? Jackie's here already?

KITTY:

(nods) She was here when I got up this morning. She's been remaking all the food the boys ate.

HYDE:

She's been doing what? Where did she get all the ingredients from?

KITTY:

She just borrowed them from Bob and Joanne.

HYDE STANDS THERE LOOKING A LITTLE STUNNED. KITTY GETS INTO THE CAR. HYDE HEADS TOWARDS THE HOUSE WITH HIS BAGS. HE OPENS THE SLIDING DOOR AND DONNA POPS AROUND THE CORNER FROM INSIDE THE KITCHEN. SHE IS HOLDING THE B.B. GUN AND SHE STANDS IN THE DOORWAY, BLOCKING HYDE FROM ENTERING THE KITCHEN. SHE LOOKS INCREDIBLY PISSED.

DONNA:

(to Hyde) Where do you think you're going?

HYDE:

To talk to my wife.

DONNA:

(with fake sweetness) She's a little busy right now. Why don't you try again later.

HYDE:

Ok. Well, when do you think she won't be busy?

DONNA:

(sarcastically) Why don't you come back when hell freezes over, I think she may have an opening then.

DONNA SLIDES THE DOOR SHUT AND LOCKS IT LEAVING HYDE JUST STANDING THERE.

END SCENE

ACT 2

SCENE 5

EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY. THAT AFTERNOON. EVERYTHING IS ALL SET UP FOR THE BARBEQUE. THERE ARE A FEW SHOPPING BAGS ON THE DRIVEWAY AND FEZ AND LAURIE ARE LOOKING THROUGH THEM.

ERIC:

So, we could've just borrowed the food from Bob. Wow this must be the emotion Kelso feels everyday.

KELSO:

What, sexiness?

ERIC:

No. (looks at Kelso, irritated) Stupidity.

KELSO:

(pouting) Man, what's bugging you guys today?

HYDE:

Oh I don't know, maybe the fact that we haven't slept in two days.

KELSO:

Oh yeah, sorry I couldn't help you this morning. But Brooke and Betsy really wanted to take me out to breakfast.

ERIC:

Why is it that the irresponsible things you do, like, um, impregnate a girl at a rock concert, always pay off for you.

KELSO:

(shrugs) I'm just lucky that way I guess.

FEZ:

(looking into one of the bags) You guys could not have found better gifts? (pouting he holds up a God-awful ugly tie) I cannot give this to Red, the man already hates me. This is not going to help the situation.

HYDE:

Fez, at two in the morning trying to find a gift for Red that would make him like you wasn't really a priority.

LAURIE:

Oh here, give it to me. Jackie's inside wrapping presents. Maybe she can just put a really pretty bow on it and nobody will notice how ugly it is.

LAURIE TAKES THE PRESENT FROM FEZ AND CROSSES TOWARDS THE SLIDING DOOR.

ERIC:

(yells after Laurie) While she's at it, have her put a big bow on you too.

LAURIE STICKS HER TONGUE OUT AT ERIC AND HEADS INTO THE HOUSE.

KELSO:

How come you guys didn't buy me any Father's Day presents?

HYDE:

'Cause you're not our father moron.

KELSO:

I'm somebody's father.

HYDE:

That's not how it works.

KELSO:

When it's you guys' birthday I buy you presents even though you're not my kid.

HYDE LOOKS AT KELSO LIKE HE CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT AN IDIOT HE IS, THEN HE LOOKS AT ERIC WHO IS STARING AT KELSO, DUMBFOUNDED BY HIS STUPIDITY.

ERIC:

(to Hyde) I'm running out of ways to explain things to him.

ACT 2

SCENE 6

EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY. A FEW HOURS LATER THE BARBEQUE IS IN FULL SWING. JACKIE, DONNA, LAURIE, FEZ AND KITTY ARE SITTING IN CHAIRS NEAR THE BASKETBALL HOOP. BOB IS SITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DRIVEWAY, JOANNE IS NEXT TO HIM. RED IS STANDING NEAR HIM, HAVING A BEER. ERIC, HYDE AND KELSO AND SITTING ON THE PORCH. THEY ARE ALL HAVING A BEER. RED AND BOB HAVE SOME OPENED PRESENTS AT THEIR FEET.

BOB:

(reaches for a present) Looks like this one is for me.

HE LOOKS AT A PRESENT WRAPPED IN VERY TACKY METALLIC PAPER. HE STARTS SNIFFLING.

BOB:(cont'd)

Oh Donna, it's just beautiful.

DONNA:

Um yeah, Dad, usually people _open_ presents and _then_ they cry.

BOB:

I'm sorry. I just love the shiny paper. (he opens the present) Ooh, the present's shiny too. (he holds up a pair of shiny white shoes) Thanks, honey!

DONNA:

(with a laugh) You're welcome, Dad.

RED:

Bob, if you're gonna cry, you're going to have to go home.

BOB SNIFFLES AND NODS. LAURIE COMES FORWARD AND HOLDS OUT A PRESENT TO RED.

LAURIE:

Here, Daddy, open mine.

ERIC:

(sarcastically) Oh Laurie, that's so sweet. The last thing you gave Dad was ... hmm... let's see.. oh yeah, (he yells) a heart attack!

HYDE:

(to Eric) Yeah well that's not as bad as the last thing she gave Kelso.

KELSO:

(quietly) That's not funny, Hyde. It still itches.

RED:

(to Eric and Hyde) Am I going to open my present or am I gonna shove both my feet up both your asses?

ERIC:

Um, I'm gonna chose option number one. The one where nothing gets shoved up my ass.

RED SCOWLS AT ERIC AND THEN TURNS BACK TO OPEN UP HIS PRESENT. LAURIE IS EXCITEDLY HOVERING OVER HIM. RED OPENS THE BOX AND HOLDS UP THE GOD-AWFUL TIE

LAURIE:

It's a new tie!

ERIC:

(in a mocking tone) Wow, that's so creative, Laurie.

LAURIE:

(with an evil smile) Well, I was gonna give him a skinny, twitchy moron - but Mom already gave him one of those.

FEZ:

Super hot burn, my lovely!

LAURIE SMILES SWEETLY AT FEZ. KITTY CROSSES TO RED CARRYING TWO BOXES WRAPPED IN IDENTICAL PAPER. SHE HANDS THEM TO RED.

KITTY:

Here are some more presents, Red. These are from Steven and Jackie.

RED OPENS ONE OF THE GIFTS. HE SMILES AS HE LOOKS INTO THE BOX AND THEN HE PULLS OUT A SIX PACK OF BEER.

RED:

(turns to face Hyde) Now _this_ is a present.

HYDE:

Yeah well, stick with what works right.

RED TURNS BACK AROUND AND GOES TO OPEN THE SECOND PRESENT.

KITTY:

Ooh, two presents. (she laughs) Steven, you big spender.

JACKIE:

(stands up) Actually ...

RED DOESN'T HEAR HER. HE OPENS THE BOX AND PULLS OUT A VERY TINY ROLLING STONES TEE SHIRT THEN HE HOLDS IT UP AND LOOKS AT IT, VERY CONFUSED.

RED:

What the hell is this?

JACKIE:

(quietly, like she's embarrassed) That was for Steven.

HYDE, WHO IS BEHIND RED ON THE PORCH, CAN'T SEE WHAT RED IS HOLDING.

KELSO:

(with a dopey grin) Man, Hyde's gonna be pissed Jackie shrunk his favorite shirt.

BY NOW EVERYONE IS VERY QUIET AND STARING AT THE SHIRT RED IS HOLDING. PEOPLE SEEMS TO BE SLOWLY GRASPING WHAT'S GOING ON. HYDE GETS UP AND CROSSES TO RED. HYDE TAKES THE SHIRT FROM RED THEN TAKES HIS SUNGLASSES OFF AND JUST STARES AT THE SHIRT.

JACKIE:

(very sweetly) Happy Father's Day, Steven.

HYDE LOOKS FROM THE SHIRT TO JACKIE AND BACK TO THE SHIRT AGAIN. HIS FACE IS VERY ZEN. NO ONE MOVES. EVERYONE SEEMS TO BE HOLDING THEIR BREATH WAITING FOR HYDE TO REACT AND HE JUST STANDS THERE. JACKIE IS SMILING HOPEFULLY AT HIM.

HYDE:

(very Zen and still staring at the shirt) Huh.

JACKIE'S SMILE FALLS AND SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S GOING TO CRY.

ERIC:

(whispering to Kelso) Here's where Hyde loses it.

SUDDENLY HYDE CROSSES THE DRIVEWAY TO REACH JACKIE. HE GRABS HER AND KISSES HER, HARD. JACKIE THROWS HER ARMS AROUND HIS NECK AND IT LOOKS LIKE THEY MIGHT KEEP KISSING FOREVER BUT THEY ARE INTERRUPTED BY KITTY'S CLAPPING.

KITTY:

(ecstatic) We're going to have a baby!

JACKIE AND HYDE BREAK THEIR KISS AND TURN TO LOOK AT KITTY. JACKIE SMILES AND HYDE LETS OUT A LITTLE CHUCKLE. THE TENSION BROKEN EVERYBODY GETS UP AND HEADS OVER TO JACKIE AND HYDE.

CUT TO ERIC AND KELSO ON THE PORCH

ERIC:

(stunned) Holy crap.

KELSO:

(with a big dopey grin) I know. Hyde's not even mad she shrunk his shirt.

CUT BACK TO EVERYONE ON THE DRIVEWAY. KITTY IS HUGGING JACKIE AND WILL NOT LET GO.

JACKIE:

(with a muffled voice) Mrs. Forman, you're squishing me.

KITTY LETS GO OF HER.

KITTY:

(to Jackie) Sorry, sweetie. (leans down to talk to Jackie's stomach) Sorry, baby. (she laughs)

RED:

(to Hyde) I'm glad that heart attack didn't kill me. (with a wicked smile) This is going to be fun to watch. (he pats Hyde on the back)

DONNA:

(very excited and gloating a little) I knew! I knew and I kept it a secret for a whole day! So there!

KITTY:

Jackie, how far along are you sweetie?

JACKIE:

(smiles slyly) Eight weeks.

KITTY:

Jackie, you've only been married for (she pauses, thinking) eight weeks.

LAURIE:

(with a smile) Wow, Hyde, that's impressive.

FEZ:

Yes. Your little men are mighty indeed.

JACKIE LOOKS AT HYDE, WAITING FOR HIM TO SAY SOMETHING. HE LOOKS INCREDIBLY GUILTY.

HYDE:

I'm pretty much the biggest ass in the world right now.

JACKIE:

(nods) Pretty much yeah.

HYDE:

(quietly) God, Jackie, I'm sorry.

JACKIE:

(nervously) Steven, just tell me you're happy and we'll forget about it.

HYDE:

(he pauses and smiles at her) Come here.

HYDE PULLS JACKIE TO HIM AND KISSES HER. THEN HE STOPS, PULLS BACK AND LOOKS AT HER.

HYDE:(cont'd)

Are you serious, you're really just gonna forget about last night?

JACKIE:

(she smiles sweetly and then instantly changes to glaring) Oh no, it's getting filed away under the fact that you forgot you proposed to me and I will use it against you at my discretion.

KITTY STARTS HEADING INTO THE HOUSE.

KITTY:

Who wants some cake?

FEZ:

Ooh, Fez does!

KITTY:

(calling over her shoulder) Jackie, you come inside and have a glass of milk.

JACKIE:

(snuggling up to Hyde) Oh that's ok, Mrs. Forman. I'm fine.

KITTY:

(a little crazed) Jackie. Milk. Now!

JACKIE RUNS INTO THE HOUSE FOLLOWED BY FEZ, LAURIE, JOANNE, BOB AND RED. DONNA AND HYDE ARE LEFT ON THE DRIVEWAY. ERIC AND KELSO LEAVE THE PORCH AND JOIN THEM.

ERIC:

(still shocked) Holy crap.

HYDE:

(nodding at Eric) I know.

ERIC:

Holy crap.

HYDE:

(to Donna) So, I guess this explains the b.b. in the ass. (looking very guilty) The well deserved b.b. in the ass, I might add.

DONNA:

(she laughs) Yep. This would be the reason why. (sincerely) This is awesome, Hyde, really. (She hugs him)

HYDE:

(smiling) I know, man.

ERIC:

Holy crap.

HYDE:

(irritated) Forman, will you shut up.

DONNA:

So, anybody feel like celebrating?

HYDE:

I feel like celebrating.

KELSO:

Ooh, me too. (whispers to Hyde) What are we celebrating?

CUT TO CIRCLE

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

I love celebrating.

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

See, Hyde, I warned you not to skip the day we covered birth control in health class.

CUT TO KELSO

KELSO:

Man, I can't believe Jackie doesn't know how to work a dryer. Now I'm really glad I didn't marry her.

CUT TO DONNA

DONNA:

(exasperated) Ok. One more time. The shirt was not Hyde's, it was for Hyde's baby.

CUT TO KELSO

KELSO:

Um, Donna, Hyde doesn't have a baby. (to the other guys like he's telling a secret) No more for Big D.

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

Ok, morons, listen up. I can only be in the circle for seven more months. So, new rule about the circle. (he points at all of them) No one has one without me. I don't care if I'm sleeping - wake me up. I don't care if I'm in the shower - get me out. I don't care if Jackie and I are ... ok, that's the only time you can leave me out.

JACKIE:(voice only)

(sounds like she's yelling from outside of the door) Steven, I told you to talk louder! I can't hear what you're saying.

HYDE:

(with a sly grin) Another reason to love the circle.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

EXT FORMAN DRIVEWAY. THAT NIGHT. HYDE IS SITTING ON ONE OF THE PATIO CHAIRS WITH JACKIE CURLED UP ON HIS LAP. HE HAS HIS ARMS AROUND HER.

JACKIE:

Steven, are you really happy?

HYDE:

(very Zen) Hey, you can't have the kind of honeymoon we had and not expect there to be consequences.

JACKIE:

(looks at him) No, I'm serious. (nervously) Are you really ok, because you look like you're freaking out. (starting to panic) Oh my God, are you freaking out?

HYDE:

(flatly) Jackie, I'm not freaking out. I'm happy. This is my happy face.

JACKIE:

Well I'm sorry but your happy face and your freaking out face look a lot alike.

HYDE:

(wrapping his arms around her tighter) We're gonna be good at this.

JACKIE:

(she pauses, thinking and then looks up at him and smiles)Yeah.

THEY JUST SIT IN SILENCE FOR A MOMENT. THEN HYDE GRINS.

HYDE:

We're gonna be like the coolest parents ever.

JACKIE:

And the hottest.

HE LAUGHS AND GIVES HER A KISS.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"Beautiful Loser"

Kelso is depressed to discover that he's become the lonesome loser of the group.


	11. Beautiful Loser

"Beautiful Loser"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Bob Seger.

I own nothing, I'm just trying to fix the disaster that was Season 8. This would be episode 8-4.

Thanks so much for all of your reviews!

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT. MORNING. ERIC, DONNA AND KELSO ARE ON THE COUCH. FEZ IS SITTING IN THE LAWN CHAIR AND LAURIE IS AT THE DEEP FREEZE. HYDE ENTERS AND CROSSES TO HIS CHAIR.

HYDE:

Hey.

DONNA:

(to Hyde) Where's Jackie?

HYDE:

(flatly) She'll be here in a few minutes. She's just finishing up puking.

KELSO:

(with a big dopey grin) Awesome! Can I go to your house? (he stands up) I love to laugh at people while they puke.

HYDE:

(points at Kelso threateningly) Sit down!

DONNA:

(to Hyde) Don't you think you should be there with her right now?

HYDE:

Why?

ERIC:

(with a smirk) Yeah, he was there when they made the baby. He's pretty much done until that kid pops out.

DONNA:

I just meant, don't you think it would be nice if you were there for Jackie you know holding her hand, (a beat) or at least her hair?

FEZ:

(smiling at Laurie)Yes. I would hold Laurie's hair if she was puking. In fact, I have.

LAURIE:

(nods and crosses over to Fez) I had a bad experience with amaretto the other night. (she sits on the arm of the couch near Fez)

HYDE:

(to Donna) I _was_ there. But then Jackie told me to leave because she said the sight of my face was making her throw up more.

DONNA:

(looking at Eric) When I'm pregnant, I'm gonna want Eric there for everything.

ERIC:

Oh, (raises his hand) I have a problem with that. I can't watch people throw up, because then _I_ throw up.

DONNA:

(with a chuckle) So you'll close your eyes.

ERIC:

(pauses for a moment, thinking) No, that won't work because I'll still be able to hear you.

DONNA:

(starting to get irritated) So plug your ears.

ERIC:

(pauses again) Ooh, another problem. I'll still be able to smell it and the smell's the worst part.

DONNA:

(with a glare) Ok then, well I guess we just won't have sex anymore.

ERIC:

(shrugs) Eh, throwing up's not so bad.

KELSO:

(laughing) Hey, remember when I threw up in school?

DONNA:

Yeah, and Fez was so worried he ran up to help you and he slipped in your puke.

HYDE:

(with a teasing grin) Then they poured that sawdust crap on it and Forman smelled it and then _he_ puked.

ERIC:

(embarrassed) Because the sawdust smells worse than the puke.

HYDE:

(nodding) That was a great day, man.

FEZ:

(with a nasty look at all of them) Great for you maybe. I had to walk around in my phy ed uniform for the rest of the day.

LAURIE:

(to Fez) I bet you looked hot.

FEZ:

(gives her a sexy smile) Yes, yes I did.

KELSO:

Ok guys, what do you wanna do today? _Watch_ me blow stuff up or _help_ me blow stuff up?

HYDE:

Sorry, man, I've gotta get going. I've gotta work and then I'm taking Jackie to her doctor's appointment.

KELSO:

Too bad for you. But more firecrackers for the rest of us. (he puts his arm around Donna) Right, Big D?

DONNA:

Sorry, Kelso. Eric and I are gonna be at his store all week getting set up for the opening.

KELSO:

Cool, I'll help.

ERIC:

(shakes his head) Yeah, I don't think so buddy. See, for some reason people don't like buying toys that are broken or melted.

KELSO:

No fair. I'd let you play with my gun if you wanted to.

HYDE:

(shaking his head at Kelso) The fact that you're a cop frightens me.

KELSO:

Well, Fez, Laurie, looks like today is your lucky day. You guys get me all to yourselves.

LAURIE:

(with a snotty smile) Sorry, Kelso. Fez and I have a busy day at the salon. It's half price day for senior citizens.

FEZ:

Yes. The older ladies love Fez.

LAURIE:

And then Fez is taking me to the drive-in.

FEZ:

(excitedly) For one night only there is a special showing of the greatest movie ever made, "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" (with a far away look) Just imagine, all that candy 20 feet tall. It will be just like in my dreams.

KELSO:

(pouting) You know, you guys are no fun anymore now that you're all in love. I liked it better when none of us were dating. (with a grin) Or even better (he points at Fez and Kelso) I liked it when I was dating both you guys' wives at the same time.

HYDE:

Fez, you mind if I take this one?

FEZ:

Be my guest, my angry friend.

HYDE FROGGS KELSO.

KELSO:

(yelling spastically) Ok, I also liked it better when Hyde wasn't so violent!

EVERYONE LAUGHS BUT KELSO WHO RUBS HIS ARM AND POUTS

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. GROOVES RECORD STORE. THAT AFTERNOON. HYDE SITS BEHIND THE COUNTER. THERE ARE A COUPLE OF CUSTOMERS WALKING AROUND.

HYDE:

(shouts) Hey, Forman!

ERIC APPEARS IN AN OPEN DOORWAY CONNECTING HIS STORE TO HYDE'S.

ERIC:

(with a cheesy smile) Yes, neighbor? (he laughs) Man, I love this door your dad had put in.

HYDE:

(with a wicked grin) Yeah, he's probably gonna come to regret that move. How's it going over there?

ERIC:

Well, we're having some problems finding a spot for the X-Wing fighter models. See, I don't want to put them next to the Tie Fighters because I don't want a galactic battle breaking out in my store. (He gives a fake laugh) Sorry, just a little "Star Wars" humor.

HYDE:

Forman, I can have that door boarded up you know.

ERIC:

(he nods) Gotcha, buddy. (he turns and heads back into his store)

HYDE GETS UP AND FOLLOWS ERIC THROUGH THE DOOR. THERE IS A COUNTER WITH A CASH REGISTER BEHIND IT. THE SHELVES ARE ALMOST COMPLETELY STOCKED AND THERE ARE SEVERAL ROWS OF BOOKCASES ALSO ALMOST FULLY STOCKED WITH MAGAZINES AND COMICS. IN THE BACK OF THE STORE IS A DOORWAY THAT'S COVERED WITH BEADS DANGLING DOWN AND A BARRIER WALL, WE CAN SEE MIRRORS OVER THE TOP OF THE BARRIER WALL, THIS IS WHERE THE GIRLY MAGAZINES ARE KEPT. DONNA IS UNPACKING BOXES AND JACKIE IS CARRYING SOME COMIC BOOKS OVER TO A SHELF.

HYDE:

(to Jackie) Whoa, what do you think you're doing?

DONNA:

(to Hyde) I know, we were confused too. It's called helping. We've just never seen Jackie do it before.

HYDE:

(shaking his head) No way. (he grabs the comics from Jackie) I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to be lifting things.

JACKIE:

Steven, they're just comic books. I mean, if Eric can carry them - I'm pretty sure I can handle them.

HYDE:

I don't care here ... just ... (he looks around wondering what to do with Jackie) I don't know, sit down and I'll go get you a pizza or something. (he gets her a stool to sit on)

JACKIE:

(with a smile)Steven, you're so sweet.

HYDE:

(sheepishly) Yeah well, it's only gonna last about seven more months so don't get used to it.

JACKIE SITS ON THE STOOL AND HYDE HEADS BACK TOWARD HIS STORE. HE PASSES BY DONNA.

DONNA:

(taunting Hyde) Aww, you luuuve her.

HYDE:

(irritated, to Donna) Bite me.

HYDE EXITS BACK INTO GROOVES.

DONNA:

(looking around)Where the heck did Eric go?

JACKIE:

I'll give you one guess.

DONNA WALKS TO THE BACK OF THE STORE AND PARTS THE BEAD CURTAIN TO REVEAL ERIC STANDING IN THE DIRTY MAGAZINE ROOM READING ONE OF THE MAGAZINES.

DONNA:

(yells) Eric!

ERIC

(with a guilty smile) I'm sorry, Donna. There's just so many of them, I couldn't help myself. (looking around the room) God, if Fez sees this room he's gonna want to move in here.

DONNA:

C'mon, Eric. Let's hurry up and get this done. (sarcastically) Every minute I spend setting up Luke Skywalker action figures I get more and more turned on.

ERIC:

(quietly with an excited smile) Wait, are you serious?

DONNA:

(with a laugh) No.

ERIC FOLLOWS DONNA OUT OF THE MAGAZINE ROOM. LOOKING A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. FEZ, LAURIE AND KELSO'S APARTMENT. LATE THAT NIGHT. KELSO, IN HIS PAJAMAS AND LOOKING VERY IRRITATED IS STANDING OUTSIDE OF FEZ AND LAURIE'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR BANGING ON IT. FEZ COMES TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT. HIS HAIR IS ALL MESSED UP AND HE HAS NO SHIRT ON.

FEZ:

(with a knowing smile) May I help you?

KELSO:

Could you please stop doing that?

FEZ:

(coyly) Doing what?

KELSO:

You know.

FEZ:

No. I don't know.

KELSO:

(yells spastically) Doing it! You and Laurie doing it!

FEZ:

(smiling) Oh, I knew what you meant. I just like to hear you say it.

KELSO:

(pouting) Fez, listening to you guys do it just makes me more sad.

FEZ:

Well tough luck, buddy. Because listening to me do it makes me more happy.

FEZ SLAMS THE DOOR.

CUT TO KELSO SITTING ON THE COUCH HAVING A BEER. THE SONG, "_STUCK IN THE MIDDLE" _BY STEALER'S WHEEL PLAYS ON THE RADIO IN THE BACKGROUND. FEZ AND LAURIE CAN BE HEARD FROM INSIDE THEIR ROOM.

FEZ:

(breathlessly) Oh, Laurie.

LAURIE:

(loud) Oh, Fez.

FEZ:

Oh, Laurie.

LAURIE:

(louder) Oh, Fez.

KELSO:

(yells at their door) Ok, I get it! You guys are doing it. Now please shut up!

A MOMENT OF SILENCE AND KELSO SMILES A LITTLE . THEN FEZ AND LAURIE START UP AGAIN.

FEZ:

(huskily) Oh, Laurie.

LAURIE:

(yells) Oh, Fez!

KELSO:

(with an angry pout) This sucks.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN. AFTERNOON. A FEW DAYS LATER. HYDE, ERIC AND RED ARE SEATED AT THE TABLE. KITTY IS AT THE COUNTER SPREADING MAYO ON SANDWICHES WITH A KNIFE.

KITTY:

(to Eric with a smile) So. Tomorrow's the big day. All ready, Mr. Fancy Store Manager?

ERIC:

Yep. I sent flyers to the AV Club, the chess club and the debate team at the high school. Oh, and we put up posters at every I.T. school and planetarium in Wisconsin. So, we should be busy.

HYDE:

(laughing) Man, there are gonna be so many nerds in Point Place tomorrow.

RED:

(with a grin) Makes me wish I still had my gun.

KITTY:

Steven, how's Jackie feeling today?

HYDE:

Not so good. She's sleeping right now. (shrugs) I guess that's what you do after you spend two hours throwing up.

KITTY:

Oh that poor thing. You know, that's the part they don't tell you about morning sickness. It's not just in the morning. (a little crazed) It's all freaking day. (she realizes they are all staring at her so she laughs nervously) Now, (to Hyde) I'm going to pack you up some saltines and ginger ale. And you tell Jackie not to worry, because she'll feel better in a few weeks.

RED:

(sarcastically) Then the real fun starts. (with a frown) The backaches, the mood swings, the swollen feet, the crying, the cravings. Steven, make sure you know where every Chinese restaurant and ice cream shop within 50 miles are located.

KITTY:

Oh, Red, now it's not that bad.

RED:

You're right, Kitty. It's not that bad. (to Hyde with a serious look on his face) It's much worse.

KITTY:

Well, (giving Red a nasty look) you try gaining 40 pounds and having your skin stretch so much you feel like it's going to just rip right off your bones. (starting to go a little crazy) And how would you like not being able to see your feet, or bend over just to put your shoes on? And then, after nine long months, what's your reward? The most excruciating pain you've ever felt in your life! (now she's lost it) So, you tell me, Steven, do you think a little Rocky Road ice cream at three in the morning is too much to ask?

HYDE:

(looks very nervous) Um, no.

KITTY:

(yelling) You're damn right it's not! So you take these crackers over to the woman who is carrying your child and you get down on your knees and tell her, "thank you"!

HYDE:

Mrs. Forman, you're kind of freaking me out right now.

KITTY:

(very crazy) Move it, mister!

HYDE GRABS THE CRACKERS AND GINGER ALE AND QUICKLY EXITS THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR. KITTY TURNS BACK TO RED AND ERIC WHO ARE STARING AT HER WITH THEIR MOUTHS OPEN.

KITTY:(cont'd)

And you two, (she points at them with her knife) fix your own damn lunch! (she throws the knife down on the counter)

ERIC:

(indignant) What did I do?

KITTY:

(with a glare) One word, Eric. Episiotomy.

ERIC:

What the hell is that?

KITTY:

Look it up!

KITTY STORMS OUT OF THE KITCHEN INTO THE LIVING ROOM. RED AND ERIC SIT AT THE TABLE STARING AT EACH OTHER. ERIC GIVES RED A QUESTIONING LOOK.

RED:

(shaking his head at Eric) Trust me. Don't look it up.

ERIC LOOKS VERY CONFUSED.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. ERIC'S STORE. THE NEXT MORNING. THERE ARE BALLOONS AND STREAMERS AND A TABLE WITH SOME PUNCH AND FOOD. THE SHELVES AND BOOK CASES ARE FULLY STOCKED. EVERYONE IS THERE. BOB, DONNA AND JOANNE ARE STANDING BY THE FOOD. RED AND KITTY ARE STANDING NEXT TO ERIC WHO IS BEHIND THE REGISTER. JACKIE IS SITTING ON A STOOL AND HYDE IS STANDING BEHIND HER WITH HIS ARMS AROUND HER. FEZ, LAURIE AND KELSO ARE STANDING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE REGISTER. BEHIND ERIC THERE IS A SIGN WITH A SHEET OVER IT.

ERIC:

(ver dramatically) Family, friends; this is the moment you've all been waiting for. The grand unveiling of the store's name.

BOB:

(quietly to Joanne and Donna) Actually, the moment I've been waiting for is the free food.

JOANNE NUDGES HIM TO BE QUIET AND DONNA JUST ROLLS HER EYES.

ERIC:

Drum roll, please.

ERIC TURNS TO THE SIGN AND GOES TO GRAB THE SHEET. THEN HE REALIZES THERE'S NO DRUM ROLL AND TURNS BACK TO EVERYONE GATHERED AROUND HIM.

ERIC:(cont'd)

No. Seriously. Drum roll.

KITTY:

Oh. Sure, sweetie.

KITTY DRUMS ON THE COUNTER AND ERIC, VERY DRAMATICALLY RIPS THE SHEET OFF OF THE SIGN.

DONNA:

(reading the sign) The Force - Comics and Collectibles.

ERIC:

(nodding and smiling) Awesome, huh?

LAURIE:

(with a snotty laugh) More like sad.

FEZ:

Eric, nowhere on this sign do you mention the magical room in the back of your store.

KELSO:

Yeah, and that's a huge mistake because those magazines are your only chance of getting any normal guys in here.

HYDE:

(with a wicked grin) I think the magazines are implied in the "collectibles" part. 'Cause guys like Forman keep those magazines forever. They're all they have, man.

JACKIE:

No, the "collectibles" are the stupid toys these dorks play with.

ERIC:

Ok. (slightly exasperated) Once the doors are open please don't use the words, "dorks" or "toys".

RED:

(with a smile) How about the word, "dumbass", can I still use that word? Because if I can't, then I'm going home.

ERIC:

(looking at his watch) Alright, it's ten o'clock. (points dramatically at the doors) Open the doors, Donna.

DONNA HEADS OVER TO THE DOORS.

HYDE:

(yelling after her) Yeah, and then get out of the way before they attack you because you're the first real woman they've seen in months.

DONNA OPENS THE DOORS AND PEOPLE START POURING IN. MOST OF THE CUSTOMERS ARE VERY NERDY LOOKING GUYS. BUT THERE ARE ALSO A FEW WOMEN, AND THEY ARE ALL VERY GOOD LOOKING.

KELSO:

(looking at all the girls) What the hell, man? All these chicks are hot.

JACKIE:

(nodding) Smart girls. They know in 10 years all these geeks will be running Fortune 500 companies.

KELSO HEADS TOWARDS A GIRL. KITTY IS RUNNING AROUND THE STORE TAKING PICTURES AND RED AND HYDE JOIN ERIC BEHIND THE REGISTER. FEZ AND LAURIE HAVE DISAPPEARED.

RED:

(in amazement) Look at them all.

HYDE:

Yep. (he grins) A lot of villages are missing their idiots today.

ERIC:

(staring at the crowd in awe) Wow, there are so many of us. (with fake crying) This is the proudest moment of my life.

CUT TO KELSO LEANING UP AGAINST A RACK OF COMIC BOOKS TALKING TO A GIRL.

KELSO:

So. (with a perverted smile)You're into geeks, huh? That's cool with me. I'm into sluts.

THE GIRL GIVES KELSO A NASTY LOOK AND STORMS OFF.

CUT TO ERIC TALKING ANIMATEDLY WITH ONE OF THE CUSTOMERS. DONNA RUSHES UP AND PULLS HIM ASIDE.

DONNA:

(quietly) Eric, you'd better come quick. Fez and Laurie are going at it in the magazine room.

ERIC:

(frantically) Great, they'll give the customers heart attacks man. Fez learned most of his moves from adult films.

ERIC AND DONNA HEAD OFF.

CUT TO JACKIE AND HYDE. JACKIE IS STILL SITTING ON THE STOOL, SHE LOOKS A LITTLE QUEASY.

HYDE:

(to Jackie) You feeling sick?

JACKIE:

Yes, only it's not because of the baby. (looking around with disgust) It's all this polyester in one room. Oh, God, it's horrible. (gives Hyde a pouty look) Steven, let's go back to your store where it's just long haired hippies and burnouts.

HYDE:

(with a grin) You got it, doll.

HYDE TAKES JACKIE'S HAND AND THEY HEAD THROUGH THE DOORWAY INTO GROOVES.

CUT BACK TO KELSO HITTING ON ANOTHER GIRL.

KELSO:

How's it going hot stuff?

GIRL:

(looking Kelso up and down disapprovingly) Sorry, you're not my type.

KELSO:

Hey, if you want me to dress up like Han Solo while we do it, I'm totally ok with that.

THE GIRLS WALKS OFF DISGUSTED AND ERIC COMES UP BEHIND KELSO.

ERIC:

(irritated) Kelso, knock it off. You're scaring away my customers. Now promise me that you'll stop hitting on these women.

KELSO:

(laughing) Sorry, Eric, no can do.

ERIC:

Then you've gotta go.

KELSO:

(indignant) UH!

ERIC:

I'm sorry man. You see a nice rack, but I see dollar signs.

KELSO:

What if I see a nice rack _and_ dollar signs? 'Cause I'm pretty sure her boobs were fake.

ERIC:

(points at the door) Leave, Kelso.

KELSO:

Fine! (he wags his finger at Eric spastically) But I was gonna buy a dirty magazine from you and now I'm not! I'll just steal one from the drug store as usual!

KELSO STORMS OUT AND ERIC SHAKES HIS HEAD AND THEN GOES BACK TO HELPING CUSTOMERS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT. LATER THAT DAY. CIRCLE. THE SONG "_HEART OF GOLD"_ BY NEIL YOUNG PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

CUT TO HYDE'S CHAIR. IT'S EMPTY

CUT TO THE CHAIR IN FRONT OF THE TV. IT'S EMPTY.

CUT TO THE LAWN CHAIR. IT'S EMPTY.

CUT TO KELSO. HE LOOKS EXTREMELY DEPRESSED IN A VERY KELSO SORT OF WAY. HE IS LISTENING TO THE RADIO. NEIL YOUNG'S "_HEART OF GOLD"_ IS PLAYING

"_Keep me searchin' for a heart of gold_

_and I'm gettin' old"_

KELSO:

(with a pout) He's right. I am gettin' old. And I _haven't_ found a chick with a heart of gold. (spastically) I'm gonna die alone, man!

DONNA:

(voice only, coming out of the radio) That was Neil Young and this is Hot Donna. Ok guys, this next song is a dedication. This one is going out to Michael Kelso from your roommates Fez and Laurie.

KELSO:

(smiling) Those guys are the best.

THE SONG STARTS

"_Have you heard about the lonesome loser_

_Beaten by the Queen of Hearts every time_

_Have you heard about the lonesome loser_

_He's a loser but he still keeps on trying"_

KELSO:

(pissed) Those guys suck. (with a small smile) It's a sweet burn though.

END SCENE

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. ERIC'S STORE. THAT NIGHT. HYDE, ERIC AND W.B. ARE STANDING AROUND THE REGISTER. W.B. IS LOOKING OVER SOME PAPERS AND ERIC IS GRINNING FROM EAR TO EAR.

W.B.:

(with a smile) I have to say, Eric, I'm very impressed. These numbers are even higher than I had hoped they would be. I underestimated the buying buyer of Star Wars fans.

ERIC:

Much like Darth Vader underestimated Luke Skywalker.

HYDE:

Yeah, it was a good day over at Grooves too. Those Star Wars guys cleaned us out of disco and Styx albums. (with a grin) Can't you just see all those losers sitting at home listening to Earth, Wind and Fire and acting out some sad fantasy with their Luke and Leia dolls.

ERIC SMILES DREAMILY AND W.B. AND HYDE LAUGH. THEY REALIZE ERIC'S NOT JOINING THEM AND THEY BOTH STARE AT HIM STRANGELY. THEN ERIC GIVES A VERY FAKE, UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGH.

ERIC:

(nervously) Losers.

HYDE:

(looking at Eric with disdain) You're gonna go home and do that, aren't you?

ERIC:

(nods, sadly) Yes. Yes I am.

HYDE:

Well, I'm out of here, man. Unlike most of Forman's customers, I've got a girl waiting for me at home that's not inflatable.

W.B.:

(pats Hyde on the back) Good job today. (turns to Eric) Both of you. Hey, I'll buy beer for whoever's interested.

ERIC:

Yeah, that'd be awesome. Just one last thing.

ERIC HEADS BACK TO THE MAGAZINE ROOM AND PULLS BACK THE BEAD CURTAIN TO REVEAL FEZ AND LAURIE MAKING OUT. THEY STOP AND SMILE SHEEPISHLY AT ERIC.

ERIC:(cont'd)

(yells) GO HOME!

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. A BAR. LATER THAT NIGHT. KELSO, LOOKING VERY DRUNK IS SITTING AT THE BAR TALKING TO A GIRL. THERE ARE A FEW OTHER PEOPLE THERE AS WELL AND A BARTENDER STANDING BEHIND THE BAR. THE SONG "_READY FOR LOVE"_ BY BAD COMPANY IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

GIRL:

(stares, dumbfounded at Kelso) So. Let me get this straight. You had a girlfriend once but you lost her because you constantly lied to her and cheated on her. And now, she's married to your best friend.

KELSO:

Yep.

GIRL:

And the girl you cheated on her with married your other best friend.

KELSO:

(with a dopey grin) Well, Laurie wasn't the only girl I cheated on Jackie with. She's just the only one who married one of my best friends.

GIRL:

(with an irritated smile) Uh huh. And then you got a girl pregnant at a concert and she had your baby but you're not with her either.

KELSO:

(with a big smile) Yep, I'm all yours.

GIRL:

And your last girlfriend was your best friend's sister whom you really liked doing it with mostly because it really pissed him off.

KELSO:

Yeah, that was a sweet burn on Hyde.

GIRL:

Wow. That's quite the love life.

KELSO:

(laughs sheepishly) I'm a ladies man.

GIRL:

Honey, (glares at Kelso) let me give you some advice. Next time you're trying to pick up a woman just stick with, "can I buy you a drink?" 'Cause if you had just stopped there I think I might have gone home with you.

THE GIRL GETS UP AND WALKS AWAY.

KELSO:

(yelling after her) Well how was I supposed to know that? I'm not a mind reader you know!

KELSO TURNS BACK AROUND AND THE BARTENDER LOOKS AT KELSO AND SHAKES HIS HEAD.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 5

EXT. THE FRONT DOOR OF JACKIE AND HYDE'S HOUSE. KELSO IS A MESS AND VERY DRUNK. HE IS LEANING AGAINST THE DOORFRAME. HYDE OPENS THE DOOR. HE AND JACKIE STAND THERE, IN THEIR PAJAMAS, STARING AT KELSO.

HYDE:

(extremely irritated) Oh what the hell.

JACKIE:

Michael, what in the world?

KELSO:

(with a big, dumb pout) Nobody loves me, Jackie.

HYDE:

(looks at Kelso with disgust) Well of course they don't, look at yourself, man.

JACKIE:

Steven, help him in.

HYDE:

(shaking his head) Oh no. He's not staying here. Kelso, you have a home. Go there.

KELSO:

(starting to cry) I can't go home. Fez and Laurie are probably doing it. And listening to them do it just makes me more upset.

HYDE:

So don't listen.

KELSO:

I can't help it, man. (yells spastically) They're really loud!

JACKIE:

Steven ...

JACKIE LOOKS AT HYDE WITH PUPPY DOG EYES AND AFTER A MOMENT HYDE BEGRUDGINGLY RELENTS.

HYDE:

Fine. Get in here, you big baby.

KELSO:

Thanks, Hyde. You're the best. (he tries to hug Hyde)

HYDE:

(points at him threateningly) Kelso, if you hug me you're out on your ass.

KELSO:

Can I hug Jackie?

HYDE:

If you hug Jackie you'll be spending the night in the hospital.

CUT TO INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S LIVING ROOM. KELSO AND HYDE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH. HYDE LOOKS VERY CRANKY AND KELSO SITS SLUMPED OVER.

KELSO:

I'm all alone, Hyde.

HYDE:

You mentioned that.

KELSO:

I'm all alone and no one loves me.

HYDE:

Yeah, you mentioned that too.

KELSO:

What if I never find a girl to love? (sniffling) Or what if I already met the girl I'm supposed to be with only I let her go so I could bang somebody else. I mean that's a possibility, cause I've banged a lot of chicks _and_ I've dumped a lot of chicks. (he pauses and stares at Hyde and sniffles) Hyde, how do you know when you've found the right girl? I mean, why did you marry Jackie?

HYDE:

I had to marry her, she stole all my tee shirts. I had nothing left to wear.

JACKIE COMES IN FROM THE KITCHEN CARRYING A MUG.

JACKIE:

Ok, Michael, here's your coffee.

KELSO:

Did you put some bourbon in it?

HYDE:

Yeah, that's what you need. More booze.

JACKIE:

Steven, go get Michael some blankets. But not the good ones in case he throws up.

HYDE:

(with a glare) Hey, Kelso - I'm real sorry you're depressed and all, but if you make a pass at my wife you'll be depressed and have a broken face. Got it?

HYDE HEADS UP THE STAIRS AND JACKIE SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH WITH KELSO.

KELSO:

Jackie, I'm really lonely. (he pauses and then smiles like he's got a great idea) Maybe I should get married.

JACKIE:

(staring at Kelso) Married? Ha! Please. You were the worst boyfriend in the world. You would be a terrible husband.

KELSO:

(pouts) Yeah well, you weren't exactly a perfect girlfriend and you got married.

JACKIE:

Michael, not everyone is meant to get married. Just like not everyone is meant to be good looking. So, you should just be thankful you got one out of two and move on.

KELSO:

(gets excited) Maybe I should marry Brooke?

JACKIE:

Do you love Brooke?

KELSO:

Well no, but she's really hot and she did have my kid. (he nods) That was really nice of her.

JACKIE:

Michael, (she pats him on the leg) you're just feeling a little left out right now. Which is understandable because the rest of us all have someone in our lives and you, (she smiles condescendingly) well you don't.

KELSO:

Ok. NOT HELPING!

JACKIE:

Look, just because we're all doing new things doesn't mean we don't still want you in our lives. I mean if I have a boy I am so going to want you to teach him how to fix his hair.

KELSO:

(slowly, he smiles) I do have the sweetest hair in Point Place. (now, it's a big smile) Thanks, Jackie. (he pauses and looks serious) Hey, I'm sorry I was such a bad boyfriend.

JACKIE:

(with a small smile) I know you are, Michael. But I've forgiven you. You and I weren't meant to be together. Steven and I are meant to be together. And you, (points at Kelso) are meant to be with every skank in Wisconsin.

KELSO:

(he looks touched) You really think so?

JACKIE:

Absolutely. And maybe someday, you'll find a girl you love enough to spend the rest of your life with her.

KELSO:

(pauses like he's thinking) Do you think I could spend the rest of my life with more than one girl?

HYDE:

(coming down the stirs) Only if you wanna move to Utah. Here (drops some blankets on the couch) now go to sleep. Come on, Jackie.

HYDE TAKES JACKIE'S HAND AND SHE STANDS UP OFF THE COUCH.

KELSO:

Don't you guys wanna like hang out?

HYDE:

Ummmm ... (pauses sarcastically like he's thinking) No.

KELSO:

(sadly, like a little kid) Ok. That's cool.

HYDE AND JACKIE START TO HEAD UPSTAIRS AND KELSO YELLS AFTER THEM.

KELSO:(cont'd)

Hey guys, if you hear lots of crying, don't worry it's not a sad ghost, it's just me crying myself to sleep.

HYDE:

(hangs his head in frustration) Oh my God. (to Jackie) Go on up, I'll be right there.

HYDE GIVES JACKIE A PAT ON THE BUTT AND SHE HEADS UP THE REST OF THE STAIRS. HYDE CROSSES BACK TO THE COUCH.

HYDE:(cont'd)

(he points at Kelso) Ok, moron, listen up. (he pauses) I'm only telling you this because I don't want you spending the rest of your life on my couch. (slightly angry and very uncomfortable) You wanna know how you know when you've found the right girl? Well here it is. When she makes you crazy when you're with her, but you're miserable when you're without her. When she's only standing a foot away from you and you walk that foot just so you can be next to her. When even though you try to tell yourself 100 times she's the last thing you need, you realize she's the only thing you want. That's how you know, man.

KELSO:

(starts sniffling again) That's beautiful, Hyde.

HYDE:

(with a sarcastic smile) Thanks. (menacingly) And if you ever mention this conversation to anyone, I'll kill you with my bare hands.

KELSO NODS AND HYDE HEADS UPSTAIRS

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

INT. THE DIRTY MAGAZINE ROOM IN ERIC'S STORE. CIRCLE. THE SONG "_DOCTOR MY EYES" _BY JACKSON BROWNE IS PLAYING.

CUT TO FEZ

FEZ:

Well my friends, this is my new favorite place in the world. Ahh, happiness is naked women and good friends.

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

Yeah, but don't mix those two up. 'Cause naked friends and good women just aren't as much fun.

CUT TO KELSO

KELSO:

I don't know what I was thinking, man! I'm so glad I'm not tied down to just one chick like you poor losers. Especially you, Hyde. (doing an imitation of Hyde) "Jackie makes me crazy when I'm with her, but I'm miserable when I'm without her." (yelling and laughing) God, you are totally whipped!

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

(smiling) Hey Kelso, they're playing your song.

CUT TO KELSO

MUSIC

"_Doctor my eyes_

_Tell me what is wrong"_

KELSO:

(pauses and listens to the music with a dopey grin) This isn't my song, man.

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

It is now.

CUT TO KELSO. HYDE COMES FLYING THROUGH THE CIRCLE AND TACKLES HIM TO THE GROUND.

KELSO:

(voice only) OW! MY EYE! (a beat) EVERY TIME MAN! EVERY TIME!

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"Baby Hold On"

The gang heads to Six Flags and Kitty and Joanne trick Red and Bob into going to the theatre.


	12. Baby Hold On

"Baby Hold On"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Eddie Money.

I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disaster that was Season 8. This would be episode 8-5.

There is a play/movie called "The Sound of Music" referenced throughout this episode. If you haven't seen it, some of the references will not make sense to you. It's a great movie and/or play, if you haven't seen it you should :)

Thanks again to those of you who have taken the time to read and review. I really appreciate it!

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT. MORNING. HYDE IS SITTING ON HIS CHAIR WITH JACKIE ON HIS LAP. HE HAS HIS ARMS AROUND HER AND SHE HAS HER HEAD LAID ON HIS CHEST LIKE SHE'S VERY TIRED. SHE DOES NOT YET LOOK PREGNANT BUT HER CHEST IS NOTICEABLY LARGER. ERIC, WITH HIS ARM AROUND DONNA, AND LAURIE ARE ON THE COUCH. FEZ AND KELSO ARE STANDING ON OPPOSITE ENDS OF THE COUCH TOSSING A SUPERBALL BACK AND FORTH TO EACH OTHER.

KELSO:

(as he catches the ball) 333.

FEZ:

(as he catches it) 334.

KELSO:

(catch) 335.

FEZ:

(catch) 336.

ERIC, LOOKING EXTREMELY IRRITATED PUTS HIS HAND UP IN THE AIR JUST AS THE BALL PASSES OVER HIM. HIS HAND HITS THE BALL AND IT LANDS ON THE FLOOR.

LAURIE:

(relieved) Thank you!

ERIC:

Ok. So. (getting irritated) Once again, what are we gonna do today, guys? (points at Fez and Kelso) And don't say play superball.

HYDE:

Well, Jackie and I have an exciting day planned. She's gonna spend the day throwing up and I'm gonna spend the day getting yelled at because I couldn't keep it in my pants.

JACKIE:

(giving him a pouty smile) Oh, Steven. I'm sorry for yelling at you so much lately. I mean, it's not your fault. (puts her hand on her chest and smiles) I'm irresistible, there's nothing you could have done.

KELSO:

(raises his hand spastically) I got it! Let's go to Six Flags!

JACKIE:

(shooting Kelso a dirty look) We can't go to Six Flags. I'm pregnant, I won't be able to do anything.

ERIC:

(with a teasing grin) Sure you will, you can hold all of our drinks while we go on the rides.

FEZ:

Ooh, can you hold my cotton candy too?

JACKIE:

(snotty) I am _not_ going along just so I can hold everyone's stuff.

KELSO:

Look, Jackie, I'll make you a deal - you hold my hot dog while I go on the roller coasters and I'll hold your kid for a couple minutes after it's born.

ERIC:

I'm in. Anything to get out of going to the Sportsman's Expo with Red and Kitty.

DONNA:

Oh God, that's today? My dad and Joanne are going to that. They're getting his and hers shotguns.

HYDE:

C'mon, Jackie. (he pats her on the thigh) It'll be fun. (with a teasing smile) You're not tall enough to get on most of the good rides anyway.

JACKIE:

(sighing, irritated) Fine.

KELSO:

Awesome! (he pauses and leans into Jackie) Oh hey, Jackie, we're also gonna need you to get us in for free.

JACKIE:

(she rolls her eyes and points at all of them)You know, you guys are lucky I'm not all big and fat yet.

FEZ:

Yes. (sits down on the arm of the couch next to Laurie and talks to Jackie) And _you_ are lucky your breasts have gotten so nice and large.

LAURIE SMACKS HIM ON THE ARM.

DONNA:

(laughing) He's right. Jackie, you kind of look like you're going to fall over when you stand up.

JACKIE:

(pouting) I know. They just keep getting bigger and bigger. (she stares down at her chest and then looks up at Hyde) Steven, do I look ridiculous?

HYDE JUST STARES AT HER. THEN HE QUICKLY LIFTS HER OFF HIS LAP, STANDS UP AND TAKES JACKIE'S HAND.

HYDE:

(pulling Jackie behind him he heads towards the door) We'll be right back.

HYDE AND JACKIE EXIT THROUGH THE BASEMENT DOOR. EVERYONE WATCHES THEM GO.

DONNA:

(turning back around she shakes her head) They're gonna end up with, like, 10 kids.

ERIC:

(nodding his head in agreement) At least.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

EXT FORMAN DRIVEWAY. LATER THAT MORNING. RED AND KITTY ARE IN THE DRIVEWAY AND THE TOYOTA IS PARKED THERE. BOB AND JOANNE WALK UP.

BOB:

(with an excited smile) Morning, neighbors. Everybody ready to go check out the latest ice houses and deer riffles?

JOANNE:

And all the newest blaze orange and camouflage fashions?

KITTY:

Ooh, I like camouflage. It's very slimming.

RED:

Alright, alright. (to Joanne and Kitty)You two can yap in the car. I wanna get there in time for target practice. (smirking) It takes me back to my glory days of shooting people.

THEY ALL GET IN THE CAR. RED AND KITTY IN THE FRONT SEAT AND BOB AND JOANNE IN THE BACK.

CUT TO THE FOUR OF THEM IN THE CAR DRIVING. THE SONG "_YOU GOT IT"_ BY ROY ORBISON PLAYS QUIETLY ON THE RADIO IN THE BACKGROUND. KITTY HAS A NERVOUS GRIN ON HER FACE.

KITTY:

Milwaukee. (she pauses) The big city. (again she pauses waiting for Red to say something) So much to do.

RED:

(looks at her strangely) Yeah, like go to the Sportsman's Expo.

KITTY:

But there's (emphasizing every word) so much more to do there.

BOB:

(leans forward onto the front seat) She's right, Red. The Miller Brewery is there too.

JOANNE:

Bob, I think Kitty's talking about the glamourous things you can find in a big city.

RED:

(sarcastically) What like hookers and bums?

KITTY:

No. Things like museums, and fancy restaurants, and, ooh, (very dramatically) the ballet.

RED:

(looking at Kitty with a frown) Fruity things.

KITTY:

No. Not fruity. Sophisticated.

RED:

Do they sell beer at the ballet?

KITTY:

No.

RED:

Then it's fruity.

RED SMILES AND KITTY JUST SHAKES HER HEAD.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

EXT. OUTSIDE THE ENTRANCE TO SIX FLAGS. THAT AFTERNOON. KELSO, ERIC, DONNA, FEZ AND LAURIE ARE STANDING AROUND WAITING FOR HYDE AND JACKIE.

KELSO:

(irritated) Man, I hope Jackie's done throwing up soon. I didn't bring enough money to get in.

FEZ:

(looking a little nervous) Wait, I thought you threw up _after_ you went on the rides.

ERIC:

You do, Fez. (with a grin) See, Jackie's throwing up because she's pregnant. Not because she's hurdling through space at 65 miles per hour.

FEZ:

Why so fast? I like things that move slowly.

ERIC:

(sarcastically) Is that why you took 18 years to lose your virginity?

LAURIE:

Fez, why are you so nervous?

FEZ:

In my country, the only things that fly through the air are monkeys.

KELSO:

Sweet, (he gives Fez a taunting smile) it looks like Jackie won't be the only one tossing her cookies today.

DONNA:

You know, I can't believe you guys. Don't any of you feel just a little bit of sympathy for Jackie? I mean, one of our friends is miserable and none of you guys care.

ERIC:

(to Donna) Are you new here?

DONNA:

Well, you better at least try and be nice (she pokes Eric) or there's no Tunnel of Love for you, pal.

FEZ:

(clapping his hands) Oh my God, I am so happy I finally have someone to love on The Tunnel of Love.

ERIC:

Fez, if you and Laurie gets arrested for doing it on The Tunnel of Love we're leaving you in jail.

HYDE AND JACKIE APPEAR AND JOIN THE GROUP. JACKIE LOOKS MISERABLE. HYDE HAS HIS ARM AROUND HER.

DONNA:

Hey, Jackie. How're you feeling? (she shoots Eric a warning look)

ERIC:

(uncomfortably) Yeah, how are you ...(struggling to find something nice to say) are you feeling terrible? Because you look terrible.

JACKIE:

(looks like she's going to cry) I look terrible?

HYDE:

(quickly to Jackie) No, he didn't mean terrible (giving Eric a threatening look) Did you, _Forman._

ERIC:

(laughs nervously) No. Of course not. (under his breath to Donna) You see what happens when I try to help. Now Hyde's gonna unbuckle my seatbelt when I'm upside down on Sky Whirl.

KELSO CROSSES OVER TO HYDE AND JACKIE AND PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HER.

KELSO:

Jackie, I think what Eric's trying to say is you better put a little lipstick on or nobody's getting in for free.

JACKIE BURSTS INTO TEARS AND BURIES HER FACE IN HYDE'S CHEST. KELSO TAKES HIS ARM AWAY AND BACKS UP.

HYDE:

(through clenched teeth to Kelso) As soon as she's done crying on me I'm kicking your ass, man!

FEZ AND LAURIE CROSS OVER TO JACKIE AND HYDE

FEZ:

(sweetly) Jackie, do not be sad. You still have your large breasts.

LAURIE:

(nodding) He's right. With boobs that big, nobody's gonna look at your face anyway.

JACKIE:

(lifts her head off of Hyde and smiles) Oh my God. You're right.

JACKIE STOPS CRYING AND WIPES HER FACE. SHE GOES INTO HER PURSE GRABS SOME LIPSTICK, AND PUTS IT ON. THEN SHE HIKES HER SHIRT UP AND TIES IT UNDER HER CHEST. INSTANTLY SHE LOOKS PERFECT AGAIN. SHE TURNS TO HYDE AND SMILES.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

Steven, how do I look?

HYDE STARES AT HER AND STARTS TO LOOKS A LITTLE ANXIOUS. HE REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND PULLS OUT A BROWN PAPER BAG WITHOUT EVER TAKING HIS EYES OFF JACKIE.

HYDE:

(hands Eric the bag) Here. Occupy yourselves.

HYDE TAKES JACKIE BY THE HAND AND LEADS HER AWAY. THE OTHERS HEAD TOWARDS ERIC.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. SIX FLAGS. A CAR ON A GONDOLA SKY RIDE. A SHORT WHILE LATER. CIRCLE

CUT TO ERIC.

ERIC:

(looking down out the window) Man, we are so high. (he laughs) How ironic is that.

CUT TO FEZ AND LAURIE

FEZ:

Yes. The Eagle's Flight is a perfect place for a circle.

LAURIE:

(lustfully looking at Fez) And for other things.

FEZ:

(looks at Laurie) You read my mind, my lovely. (to the others with a husky voice) Laurie and I will be taking our own car on the ride back down.

CUT TO DONNA

DONNA:

(looking out the window and laughing) Look at all those people. They look like ants down there. (yelling) You better watch out! I'll squish you with my giant feet!

CUT TO KELSO

KELSO:

(with a scared look) Guys, I'm kinda worried about Jackie. I mean, now that she's pregnant she and Hyde shouldn't be doing it so much.

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

Why the hell not? Once the girl's already pregnant, there's really no downside to sex.

CUT TO KELSO

KELSO:

Yeah but what if Hyde like pokes the baby in the brain or something?

CUT TO DONNA WHO HAS A HORRIFIED AND DISGUSTED LOOK ON HER FACE

CUT TO FEZ AND LAURIE WHO ARE MAKING OUT

CUT TO ERIC WHO IS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY THEN STOPS SUDDENLY.

ERIC:

(seriously) Oh my God. Maybe that's what happened to you Kelso.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. AN AUDITORIUM IN MILWAUKEE. THE TICKET WINDOW. AFTERNOON. THERE IS A TELLER AT THE WINDOW. RED, KITTY, JOANNE AND BOB ENTER THROUGH A DOOR THERE ARE SEVERAL PEOPLE WALKING AROUND IN THE LOBBY. RED AND KITTY HEAD UP TO THE WINDOW WITH BOB AND JOANNE BEHIND THEM.

RED:

(cranky) Five bucks for parking. Can you believe it? That guy's lucky I didn't park my foot up his ass!

THEY REACH THE TICKET WINDOW AND ARE GREETED BY A BORED LOOKING TEENAGE TELLER WHO IS OBNOXIOUSLY CHEWING GUM.

TELLER:

(snotty) May I help you?

RED:

(with a fake grin) Yes. You can start by wiping that smart little look off your face and then we'll take two tickets for the Sportsman's Expo.

TELLER:

Sorry, buddy. That's next week. This weekend we're showing, "The Sound of Music"

RED:

You're kidding right?

THE TELLER SLAMS DOWN A SIGN IN FRONT OF RED THAT READS, "THE SOUND OF MUSIC 8 P.M. TICKETS $15.00" RED VERY SLOWLY, TURNS AND LOOKS AT KITTY. SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.

KITTY:

Oopsie. Looks like I got the weekends mixed up.

RED:

(with a phony smile) No, you didn't.

KITTY:

You're right, I didn't. (a beat) Surprise! (she laughs nervously again)

JOANNE:

(to Red and Bob) Kitty and I thought you two could use a little culture.

BOB:

Joanne, this is Milwaukee, not New York. How much culture are we gonna get?

RED:

(very annoyed) Kitty, why would I want to go to the theatre? If I want entertainment, I'll watch TV.

BOB:

I don't like the theatre either. (with a pout) They don't let you bring popcorn in like they do at the movies.

KITTY:

Think of all the excuses you want. We're going. But first, (taking Red's arm) you're taking us out for dinner and drinks because you'll enjoy the play more if you have a few beers in you. (she smiles sweetly at Red)

RED:

(trying to think of an excuse) But look at what we're wearing. (with fake sadness) We can't go dressed like this.

BOB:

That's true, flannel and theatre don't mix. Unless you're seeing, "Annie Get Your Gun".

JOANNE:

Nice try, guys. But we packed your suits in the car.

TELLER:

(to Red) Um excuse me? Are you buying tickets or not? Because there's a line behind you.

KITTY LOOKS ANXIOUSLY AT RED AND HE SIGHS, DEFEATED. HE REACHES FOR HIS WALLET.

RED:

Four tickets. (Red places some money on the counter and turns to Bob) Bob give me $30.00. It's bad enough I have to go to the theatre. I'm sure as hell not paying for your tickets.

KITTY:

(clapping) Yay! (she gives Red a kiss on the cheek)

THE TELLER HANDS THEM THEIR TICKETS RED GRABS THEM AND THEY STEP AWAY FROM THE WINDOW.

KITTY:(cont'd)

This is going to be so much fun. Oh I just love how Maria turns the seven naughty children into little singing angels and then the grouchy Captain von Trapp falls in love with her. Oh, (she places her hand on her heart) it's just magical.

KITTY GETS A DREAMY LOOK ON HER FACE

FADE INTO FANTASY SCENE

KITTY IS DRESSED UP AS MARIA, SHE IS PLAYING A GUITAR. THE GANG IS THE VON TRAPP CHILDREN. THEY ARE ALL WEARING MATCHING LIGHT BLUE SAILOR SUITS, THE GUYS ARE WEARING SHORTS AND THE GIRLS ARE WEARING SKIRTS. THEY ARE LINED UP ACCORDING TO HEIGHT FROM THE TALLEST TO THE SMALLEST: KELSO, HYDE, ERIC, DONNA, FEZ, LAURIE AND JACKIE. THEY ALL HAVE HUGE CHEESY SMILES ON THEIR FACES. THEY ARE STANDING ON A VERY FAKE LOOKING GRASSY MOUNTAIN WITH A BACKDROP OF THE ALPS BEHIND THEM. THE MUSIC STARTS PLAYING.

JACKIE:

(singing)_ Do _

_a deer_

_A female deer_

LAURIE:

(singing) _Re _

_a drop of golden sun_

FEZ:

(singing) _Mi _

_a name I call myself_

DONNA:

(singing) _Fa _

_a long, long way to run_

ERIC:

(singing) _So _

_a needle pulling thread_

HYDE:

(singing) _La _

_a note to follow So_

KELSO:

(singing) _Ti _

_a drink with jam and bread_

KITTY:

(singing) _That will bring us back to Do_

EVERYONE:

(singing) _Do, Re, Mi, Fa So , La , Ti, Do_

_So, Do_

END FANTASY SCENE

FADE BACK TO THE AUDITORIUM LOBBY WHERE KITTY STILL SMILES DREAMILY.

KITTY:

Well, I am just going to have to make the kids those outfits. They look so gosh darn cute in 'em!

KITTY LAUGHS AND RED JUST SHAKES HIS HEAD

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 6

EXT. SIX FLAGS. LATER THAT AFTERNOON. JACKIE SITS ON A BENCH NEAR THE EXIT OF A RIDE. FEZ, LAURIE AND KELSO COME OUT LOOKING REALLY EXCITED. THEY HEAD OVER TO WHERE JACKIE IS WAITING.

KELSO:

(to Jackie) Where's my hot dog?

FEZ:

(to Jackie) Where's my cotton candy?

JACKIE:

I ate them.

KELSO:

(indignantly) UH!

JACKIE:

(shrugs) Hey. You're the morons who gave your food to a pregnant lady.

ERIC AND DONNA COME OUT AND JOIN THEM. HYDE FOLLOWS BEHIND THEM HE SEES JACKIE ON THE BENCH AND HEADS OVER TO SIT WITH HER.

ERIC:

(excitedly) Ok, Willard's Whizzer totally rocks!

DONNA:

(smiling) I know! It really whizzes!

KELSO:

What's next?

FEZ:

Let's do another scary ride so Laurie can grab onto me again.

LAURIE:

Ooh, let's do Tidal Wave!

KELSO:

Yes! (yells) Wet tee shirts here we come!

KELSO, FEZ AND LAURIE HEAD OFF.

JACKIE:

(moping) I can't go on anything.

ERIC:

(with a grin) Cheer up, Jackie. You get to give birth. I bet that's way scarier than any of these rides.

DONNA AND ERIC GO TO LEAVE. HYDE STAYS WITH JACKIE.

DONNA:

(turning back to Hyde) You coming, Hyde?

HYDE:

(to Donna) You guys go on. We'll catch up.

JACKIE:

But, Steven, Tidal Wave is your favorite ride.

HYDE:

Nah. (with a wicked grin) You're my favorite ride.

JACKIE:

(puts her hand on her heart like she's touched) Oh, Steven.

DONNA:

(with a grossed-out look) Ok EWWWW!

JACKIE:

(bitchy) It's not the words, _Donna_! (she smiles sweetly at Hyde) It's the sentiment behind them!

HYDE:

(with a grin) Come on, Jackie. Let's go win you some crappy stuffed animals.

HYDE TAKES JACKIE'S HAND AND HELPS HER OFF OF THE BENCH.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

EXT. SIX FLAGS. LATE AFTERNOON. THE MIDWAY AREA. ERIC AND DONNA ARE PLAYING THE RING TOSS WHILE FEZ AND LAURIE WATCH. LAURIE IS HOLDING A VERY LARGE STUFFED TEDDY BEAR. DONNA FINALLY GETS A RING ON ONE OF THE BOTTLES.

DONNA:

Yes! (she turns to Eric, gloating) I win, you lose!

FEZ:

(taunting Eric) Oh, Eric, Your girlfriend has to win her own prize. How sad for you.

ERIC:

(sarcastically) Oh, Fez. You're married to Laurie. How sad for _you._

LAURIE:

(with a bitchy smile) You're just jealous because Fez rang the bell and you couldn't even lift the mallet with your scrawny arms.

ERIC:

Well Fez's hands are freakishly strong. It comes from years of fulfilling his own needs.

HYDE AND JACKIE STROLL UP. JACKIE IS CARRYING A GIANT STUFFED UNICORN AND EATING SOME COTTON CANDY. HYDE IS CARRYING A GIANT STUFFED PINK POODLE UNDER ONE ARM AND A HUGE GORILLA UNDER THE OTHER

ERIC:

(to Hyde) Ok, now you're just trying to make the rest of us look bad.

JACKIE:

(smiling) Don't feel bad, Eric. Not everyone is as gifted at carnival games as my Steven.

HYDE:

(he shrugs) My mom dated a lot of carnies. They shared their secrets with me.

KELSO COMES RUNNING UP EXCITEDLY. HE IS HOLDING A VERY LARGE STUFFED SAINT BERNARD DOG.

KELSO:

(spastically) Hey guys, I won a giant dog!

FEZ:

(whining) Can we please go on the Tidal Wave now? My Laurie is wearing a white tee shirt. (Laurie gives a ditzy smile)

KELSO:

Yeah, if I don't get to see some wet slutty girls, this whole trip was a waste.

JACKIE:

Steven, since you were so sweet and won me all these prizes you get to go on the Tidal Wave while I go fetch you a beer. That's your reward. (she points at him threateningly) But, you're sitting by yourself. No skanks in wet tee shirts!

HYDE:

(nods) Fair enough.

ERIC:

So, Donna, (giving her a perverted grin) what's my reward?

DONNA:

(hands Eric some money) Here's five bucks. Go win me a stuffed animal and then we'll talk about a reward.

EVERYONE EXCEPT FOR ERIC AND JACKIE HEAD OFF.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT. THE THEATRE IN MILWAUKEE. THAT EVENING. KITTY, RED, JOANNE AND BOB ARE IN THEIR SEATS WATCHING THE PLAY IN A DIMMED AUDITORIUM. THEY HAVE ALL CHANGED CLOTHES AND ARE NOW DRESSED UP.

MUSIC AND SINGING COMING FROM THE STAGE

"_A dream that will need_

_All the love you can give_

_Every day of your life_

_For as long as you live_

_Climb every mountain_

_Forge every stream _

_Follow every rainbow_

'_Till you find your dream"_

WHILE THE MUSIC PLAYS THE CAMERA PANS DOWN THE LINE LOOKING AT EVERYONE'S FACES. KITTY IS GIDDY WITH EXCITEMENT. RED LOOKS VERY, VERY IRRITATED, JOANNE IS SMILING AND NODDING APPRECIATIVELY AND BOB IS BAWLING LIKE A BABY.

RED:

(leans in and whispers to Kitty) There's no way they're going to make it across the Alps with seven kids. They should leave a couple of them behind.

KITTY STARES AT RED HORRIFIED.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. SIX FLAGS. THE TUNNEL OF LOVE. LATER THAT NIGHT. EVERYONE IS ON A BOAT FLOATING DOWN A STREAM IN THE DIMLY LIT TUNNEL. KELSO IS IN THE FRONT ROW MAKING OUT WITH A GIRL IN A SIX FLAGS UNIFORM. THE STUFFED DOG IS SITTING NEXT TO HER. ERIC AND DONNA ARE BEHIND THEM. ERIC HAS HIS ARM AROUND DONNA. IN THE NEXT ROW ARE FEZ AND LAURIE, THEY ARE FRANTICALLY MAKING OUT WITH THE GIANT TEDDY BEAR SEATED NEXT TO FEZ. IN THE LAST ROW ARE JACKIE AND HYDE AND ALL THREE OF THEIR PRIZES. HYDE HAS HIS ARM AROUND JACKIE AND SHE IS LAYING ON HIS CHEST CLUTCHING HER GIANT UNICORN.

CUT TO ERIC AND DONNA

DONNA:

(with a chuckle) Looks like Kelso found a friend.

ERIC:

Apparently, at Six Flags, a giant stuffed dog gets you one really hot chick.

DONNA:

(smiles seductively at Eric) Well ... here we are.

ERIC:

Yep. What to do, what to do?

DONNA:

(she shrugs) We could make out.

ERIC:

Sounds good to me. (he lunges at her and they start kissing, then he stops and looks at her) You better get comfortable.

DONNA:

(with a laugh) Oh yeah, why is that?

ERIC:

Because I'm _pretty_ sure Kelso's making out with the girl that was running this ride.

CUT TO FEZ AND LAURIE IN THEIR SEAT. THEY ARE GOING AT IT LIKE CRAZY. WE HEAR HYDE'S VOICE BUT DON'T SEE HIS FACE.

HYDE:

(in a deep scary voice) Fez. Laurie. This is The Creature from The Tunnel of Love. Stop making

out. Stop making out or I will get you.

FEZ AND LAURIE PULL APART AND LOOK AROUND. LAURIE LOOKS CONFUSED AND FEZ LOOKS TERRIFIED.

FEZ:

(nervously) Ai.

CUT TO JACKIE AND HYDE SEATED BEHIND FEZ AND LAURIE. HYDE IS LAUGHING.

JACKIE:

(she playfully hits him) Steven.

HYDE:

(points at Jackie) Hey, you better watch it or The Creature from The Tunnel of Love will get you too.

JACKIE:

Now how can you tell Fez and Laurie not to make out when that's exactly what we're going to do?

HYDE:

Because, when Fez and Laurie make out it's just wrong. (with a smirk) But when _we _make out it's hot.

JACKIE AND HYDE START KISSING AND JACKIE PULLS AWAY SUDDENLY.

HYDE:

What's wrong?

JACKIE:

(quickly scooting over to the edge of the boat) I'm gonna be sick.

JACKIE LEANS OVER THE SIDE OF THE BOAT.

HYDE:

(watching Jackie) Wow. That wasn't the desired effect I was going for.

THERE IS A VERY LONG PAUSE WHILE HYDE IS WAITING FOR JACKIE TO SIT BACK DOWN. KELSO AND HIS GIRL ARE MAKING OUT. ERIC AND DONNA ARE MAKING OUT AND FEZ AND LAURIE ARE MAKING OUT. HYDE JUST CROSSES HIS ARMS, AND LOOKS AT ALL OF THEM.

HYDE:(cont'd)

(nodding) Good times. Good times. (another pause) Jackie? (he looks over to Jackie who is still leaning over the side of the boat) Are you almost done? (a beat) Please?

END SCENE

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. RED'S CAR. A SHORT WHILE LATER. RED AND KITTY ARE IN THE FRONT WITH BOB AND JOANNE IN THE BACK. THEY ARE DRIVING HOME. KITTY IS STILL GRINNING FROM EAR TO EAR.

KITTY:

(singing) _"The hills are alive_

_With the sound of music"_

RED:

(interrupts her) Ok, Kitty. That's enough of that.

KITTY:

(giving Red a smile) Oh come on now, Red. You liked it just a little, admit it.

RED:

I'll tell you one thing. That Captain von Trapp had the right idea with that whistle. I'm going to buy one of those things and all the kids who think they live with us are going to come when I blow their signal.

JOANNE:

I just love the way he saves his family by taking them to safety through the mountains. Now that's a take-charge kind of guy.

BOB:

(with a dopey smile) Some of those nuns were good looking broads. I mean it was kind of hard to tell because they were all covered up but, you could see it in their eyes.

KITTY:

(teasing Red) I think I saw somebody smiling during "My Favorite Things".

RED:

(with a small grin) Well they did screw over the Nazis. And screwing over the Nazis is one of _my_ favorite things.

KITTY:

(she gasps excitedly) Red, we should become a troupe of family singers. (she laughs) Oh I bet Eric would look so cute in some lehderhosen.

RED CHUCKLES AT THE MENTAL IMAGE

END SCENE

ACT 2

SCENE 5

EXT. SIX FLAGS. THE CAROUSEL. EVENING. THE CAROUSEL LOOKS BEAUTIFUL, IT'S ALL LIT UP. FEZ AND LAURIE ARE ON A BENCH. FEZ HAS HIS HEAD IN LAURIE'S LAP AND HE LOOKS VERY QUEASY. LAURIE IS STROKING HIS HEAD. ON THE BENCH BEHIND THEM SIT ALL OF THE STUFFED ANIMALS THE GUYS WON. JACKIE IS RIDING SIDE SADDLE ON A VERY TINY, CHILD-SIZED HORSE HYDE STANDS FACING HER WITH HER KNEES BETWEEN HIS LEGS. KELSO IS RIDING A HORSE NEXT TO THEM. HE IS RIDING BACKWARDS AND SHOOTING ERIC AND DONNA, WHO ARE BEHIND HIM, WITH A PLASTIC SQUIRT GUN. ERIC AND DONNA ARE EACH RIDING THEIR OWN HORSE.

CUT TO FEZ AND LAURIE.

FEZ:

(whining) Oh I am so sea sick. An hour on The Tunnel of Love is too much love.

LAURIE NODS SYMPATHETICALLY AND KEEPS STROKING HIS HEAD.

CUT TO JACKIE AND HYDE

JACKIE:

(pouting) Steven, this is ridiculous. Can I please ride on one of the adult sized horses?

HYDE:

Nope.

JACKIE:

I promise I won't fall off.

HYDE:

(with a wicked grin)You might. You're kind of top-heavy now.

JACKIE SCOWLS AND HITS HIM IN THE ARM. HYDE LAUGHS AND THEN GIVES HER A KISS.

CUT TO ERIC, DONNA AND KELSO

KELSO:

(squirting Eric and Donna) Gotcha! (With a big, dopey, open-mouthed laugh) Gotcha again! And again! Oh come on you guys aren't even trying now.

ERIC:

(turns to Donna) Donna ...

DONNA:

You read my mind.

DONNA GETS UP OFF OF HER HORSE AND WALKS OVER TO KELSO. SHE SHOVES HIM AND HE FALLS, BACKWARDS, OFF OF HIS HORSE.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

FANTASY SCENE

RED, PLAYING A GUITAR, KITTY AND THE KIDS. THEY ARE ALL DRESSED IN AUSTRIAN FOLK COSTUMES. THEY ARE ALL STANDING ON A STAGE AND SINGING TO A CROWD, LIKE THEY ARE PERFORMING AT THE SALZBURG MUSIC FESTIVAL, AS THE CHARACTERS IN "THE SOUND OF MUSIC" DO AT THE END OF THE PLAY/MOVIE. AS EACH COUPLE SINGS THEIR PART THEY STEP FORWARDS. THIS FANTASY SCENE IS IDENTICAL TO THE SCENE IN THE MOVIE "THE SOUND OF MUSIC"

SINGING

GROUP:

"_So long, farewell,_

_Auf wiedersehen, good night."_

FEZ AND LAURIE:

"_We hate to go and miss this pretty sight"_

FEZ AND LAURIE EXIT

GROUP:

"_So long, farewell,_

_Auf wiedersehen, adieu"_

HYDE AND JACKIE:

"_Adieu, adieu,_

_To you, and you, and you"_

HYDE AND JACKIE EXIT

GROUP:

"_So long, farewell,_

_Auf wiedersehen, good-bye"_

ERIC AND DONNA:

"_We flit, we float,_

_We fleetly flee, we fly"_

ERIC AND DONNA DANCE OFF

RED, KITTY AND KELSO:

"_So long, farewell,_

_Auf wiedersehen, good-bye"_

KELSO:

"_The sun had gone to bed,_

_and so must I_

_Goodbye"_

KELSO WAVES GOOD-BYE AND WALKS OFF, LIKE A SLEEPY LITTLE KID

KITTY:

"_Good-bye"_

RED:

"_Good-bye"_

RED AND KITTY:

"_Good-bye"_

THEY WALK OFF THE STAGE WAVING GOOD-BYE.

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"Sweet Emotion"

Jackie is experiencing the ups and downs of pregnancy. Look out Point Place!


	13. Sweet Emotion

"Sweet Emotion"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Aerosmith.

I own nothing. I"m just trying to fix the disaster that was Season 8. This would be episode 8-6.

I've said it before and I'll keep saying it because it's true, thank you for reading and reviewing!

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN. MORNING. RED, KITTY AND ERIC ARE SEATED AT THE TABLE HAVING BREAKFAST. HYDE COMES IN.

KITTY:

Steven, what are you doing here?

HYDE:

(flatly) Jackie told me if she had to listen to the sound of my voice for one more second she was gonna kill me.

HYDE SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE

KITTY:

(smiles nervously) Well, that's very unpleasant.

HYDE:

Actually, it's the nicest thing she's said to me all week.

RED:

(with a frown) I remember when Kitty was pregnant with Eric. She wouldn't let me eat in the same room with her for two weeks.

KITTY:

(giving Red a dirty look) Because you were swallowing so loud! It was like eating with a hippopotamus.

ERIC:

(laughing) How does someone swallow loud?

KITTY:

(to Eric, a little nuts) Oh you just better shut your smart, little mouth.

HYDE:

All I know is Jackie's 15 weeks pregnant. That means I only have 25 more weeks to go.

ERIC:

(taunting) Hyde, 25 weeks is a long time, man.

HYDE:

Work with me, Forman, my life is a living hell right now.

KITTY:

You mean you _think_ you only have 25 weeks to go. Usually first babies are overdue. Sometimes a few days, sometimes a week, sometimes more.

HYDE:

(starting to lose his Zen) What? Nobody told me that. I signed on for 40 weeks. When those 40 weeks are up I better have a freaking kid and a person that resembles the woman I married better be back.

ERIC:

Ooh, maybe you'll luck out and Jackie will be nicer than she was before she was pregnant.

HYDE:

(annoyed) Everyday it's something different. I never know which one of Jackie's 18 personalities I'm gonna wake up next too.

JACKIE BURSTS INTO THE KITCHEN. SHE CROSSES OVER TO HYDE. SHE DOES NOT LOOK HAPPY.

JACKIE:

Steven, you left the toilet seat up.

HYDE:

Well that's easy enough to fix. (he demonstrates) You just grab it at the top and slowly lower it back down.

JACKIE:

Well _I_ didn't put it up. (she points at Hyde) You did.

HYDE:

You _do_ know how to work a toilet seat right? Because if you don't we've got some bigger problems here.

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes) Of course I do. But I need it down.

HYDE:

Well _I_ need it up and you don't hear me complaining when you leave it down.

JACKIE:

(exasperated) Ugh! You are so stupid!

JACKIE STORMS OUT.

HYDE:

(yelling after her) Well apparently I'm smarter than you! At least I know how to work a toilet seat!

RED:

(smiling at Hyde) Your life makes my life look wonderful.

JACKIE RUNS BACK IN SHE IS NEAR TEARS. SHE CROSSES TO HYDE AND THROWS HERSELF IN HIS LAP.

JACKIE:

Oh my God, Steven, I am so sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am so mean.

SHE STARTS COVERING HIS FACE WITH KISSES, SUDDENLY HER EXPRESSION CHANGES FROM WEEPY TO LUSTFUL. SHE LOOKS HYDE UP AND DOWN

JACKIE:(cont'd)

Oh my God, you are so sexy.

SHE GIVES HYDE A HUGE, LONG KISS AND THEN GETS BACK UP AND RUNS OUT THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR AGAIN.

ERIC:

(watching her go) What the hell was that?

HYDE:

(shakes his head) I told you man, it's like being married to Sybil.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. GROOVES. LATER THAT DAY. THERE ARE A FEW CUSTOMERS WANDERING AROUND. KELSO AND FEZ ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH IN THE LISTENING PIT. HYDE IS ON THE CHAIR FACING THEM HE HAS HIS SUNGLASSES OFF AND HE LOOKS A LITTLE UNEASY.

KELSO:

Hyde, you don't look good. (laughing) I think you're about to freak out.

FEZ:

(mildly irritated) Oh sure, now you freak out. I picked three weeks ago in the pool. No one even bet this far ahead.

KELSO:

(nods in agreement) Yeah, nobody thought you'd go this long without losing it. A lot of people lost money on you man. What's happening to you, you used to be a sure thing. I mean Jackie does something, you freak out. That's the way things are supposed to work.

HYDE:

Ok, first of all, I don't freak out. I may, on occasion, take my sunglasses off and speak quickly. But that's not freaking out.

KELSO:

(with a dopey smile) Oh, also when you freak out, you hit a lot more.

HYDE:

Thanks for reminding me. (he froggs Kelso)

KELSO:

(yells spastically) See, now you're freaking out!

HYDE:

I just thought, now that Jackie's done with her morning sickness, things would be better.

FEZ:

(with a teasing smile) Well I guess you thought wrong, my freaking out friend.

HYDE:

The other day, Jackie hit three numbers on the scale for the first time in her life. (he shakes his head) That was a bad day, man.

FEZ:

(he sighs, dreamily) That's what I love about my beautiful Laurie. She has only two moods; bitchy and mean or sweet and horny. And even when she's bitchy she's still horny so I don't really mind the bitchiness. (with a smile) It's kind of sexy.

KELSO:

Yep, Laurie's a nice simple girl. But Jackie - she's all high maintenance. I guess it works out 'cause Fez you're a pretty simple guy and Hyde you're a deep and complicated guy.

HYDE:

(raising his eyebrow at Kelso) Oh yeah? And what kind of guy are you?

KELSO:

(with a smile) I'm a hot guy. We go well with every chick.

HYDE:

(looking at them, irritated) You two are worthless.

KELSO:

(shrugs) Hey, we're not here to help. We're here to make fun of you. If you want help go to Eric.

HYDE:

I don't need any help. I just need a place to hide for the next 6 months.

FEZ:

Well please do not hide in Eric's magazine room. (with a perverted smile) That room is special to Laurie and I.

HYDE LOOKS AT FEZ LIKE HE'S CRAZY, THEN HE GETS UP AND HEADS INTO ERIC'S STORE.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. THE FORCE. THAT NIGHT. HYDE IS SITTING ON A STOOL BEHIND ERIC'S REGISTER. ERIC IS SITTING NEXT TO HIM.

ERIC:

(very bored) Hyde, we've been closed for an hour. I've gotta go home and eat. It's not good for me to skip meals, man.

HYDE:

(irritated) Fine.

HYDE STANDS UP. AND STARTS HEADING OUT.

ERIC:

(with a mocking smile) What's a matter, Hyde? You afraid of the tiny, scary cheerleader at your house?

HYDE:

I just wish there was a way I could know what kind of mood she's in before I go home. You know, so I'm not walking into an ambush.

ERIC:

(standing up) Girls are like the grab bag at the candy store, man. You never know if you're gonna get delicious peanut butter cups or crappy Boston baked beans.

HYDE:

Candy analogies, Forman? You've been spending too much time with Fez.

ERIC:

That's entirely possible. He and Laurie practically live in my magazine room.

HYDE HEADS OUT, FOLLOWED BY ERIC.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER.

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S BEDROOM. THAT NIGHT. JACKIE IS FACE FIRST ON THE BED WEARING ONLY A SLIP, SHE IS SOBBING VERY LOUDLY. THE SONG "_YOU DON'T BRING ME FLOWERS"_ BY BARBARA STREISAND AND NEIL DIAMOND IS PLAYING ON THE STEREO. HYDE ENTERS AND SEEING JACKIE HE IMMEDIATELY FROWNS.

HYDE:

(quietly and very depressed, to himself) Oh crap. (he pauses, listening) Barbara Streisand. Never a good sign.

HYDE CROSSES TO THE BED AND TENTATIVELY SITS DOWN. HE'S VERY UNCOMFORTABLE

HYDE:(cont'd)

(with nervous encouragement) Hey Jackie ... how was your day?

JACKIE SITS UP, WIPES HER EYES AND SNIFFLES. SHE GIVES HYDE A HUGE POUT.

JACKIE:

Oh Steven, I wanted to get dressed up in something sexy for you because ... well ... I've been really horrible to you lately. (with a small smile) And I thought we could ... you know.

HYDE:

So, the thought of having sex with me made you cry?

JACKIE:

No. I'm crying because I wanted to wear my red dress.

HYDE:

The backless one?

JACKIE:

(she sniffles) Uh huh.

HYDE:

(with a wicked grin) That's my favorite dress. That's, like, the best dress ever.

JACKIE:

(with a nod) I know. (she starts sobbing) But it didn't fit! And then, I tried on my black dress, and the green one and even the pink one Donna gave me because it was too small for her giant lumberjack body, but even that one didn't fit.

WITH A HUGE SOB JACKIE THROWS HERSELF BACK DOWN ON THE BED.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

(in between sobs) Oh my God, I'm hideous. I'm hideous and huge and you're going to leave me.

HYDE:

(with an amused grin) Jackie, I'm not going to leave you.

JACKIE:

(her voice muffled into the bed) Yes you are. You're going to leave me because I'm big and fat and mean.

HYDE:

Jackie, first of all, you are not fat. You're pregnant. And you've always been mean, if I was going to leave you for it, I would've done it years ago.

JACKIE SITS UP AND WIPES AWAY HER TEARS. HER EXPRESSION QUICKLY CHANGES TO EXTREMELY LUSTFUL.

JACKIE:

(huskily) You are absolutely the sexiest man alive.

JACKIE LUNGES AT HYDE AND RIPS HIS TEE SHIRT OFF, THEN SHE GOES FOR HIS BELT.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

(urgently to Hyde) Take your clothes off.

HYDE:

(a little taken aback) What no kissing? No mood lighting? No Carly Simon music?

JACKIE:

(frantically rips Hyde's belt off) Oh screw her and her whiny love songs. Strip dammit!

HYDE:

(with a wicked grin) You know I don't care how fat you get, this hormone thing is awesome.

HYDE GOES TO KISS JACKIE AND SHE BACKS UP AND STARES AT HIM.

JACKIE:

(glaring at Hyde) You think I'm fat?

HYDE REALIZES WHAT HE SAID AND STARTS TO LOOK VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

HYDE:

(with a nervous smile) I didn't say that.

JACKIE:

Oh yes you did!

HYDE PAUSES, HAVING NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. THEN VERY QUIETLY HE STARTS TO SING.

HYDE:

(sings nervously) _"Nobody does it better_

_Makes me feel sad for the rest_

_Nobody does it half as good as you_

_Baby, you're the best"_

JACKIE:

(yelling) Oh you are no Carly Simon buddy! (she points to the door) OUT!

HYDE:

C'mon, Jackie. You're being ridiculous.

JACKIE:

(she gasps dramatically) Oh now I'm ridiculous?

HYDE:

Yeah, a little.

JACKIE:

Steven, you need to learn when to shut up!

JACKIE RUNS INTO THE BATHROOM IN THEIR ROOM AND SLAMS THE DOOR. LEAVING A VERY CONFUSED HYDE STANDING THERE.

HYDE:

(yells after her) Well I'm certainly not gonna learn that from you!

HYDE GRABS HIS SHIRT, STORMS OUT OF THE ROOM AND SLAMS THE DOOR

END SCENE

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM. A SHORT WHILE LATER. RED IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR AND KITTY IS ON THE COUCH. THEY ARE WATCHING TV AND HAVING A DRINK. HYDE COMES IN

RED:

(giving Hyde a smirk) She threw you out didn't she?

HYDE:

(with a nod) She did.

RED:

Well, Kitty made up your cot downstairs.

KITTY:

(she shrugs and smiles) I could see this one coming a mile away.

HYDE:

I've got big problems, Mrs. Forman. I may have called Jackie fat.

KITTY:

(frowning at Hyde) Well I hope Laurie and Fez have a cot because I think I'm about to throw you out too.

HYDE:

(he sinks down into the couch) I don't know what happened. I was trying to be nice, I really was, and the next thing I knew I was shirtless, beltless and very screwed.

RED:

Never trust a turned-on pregnant woman. They'll turn on you faster than the French.

HYDE:

What am I supposed to do now? She wouldn't even let me grab my toothbrush. (a little crazed) And I need my toothbrush. I am _not_ using Forman's.

KITTY:

(scooting closer to Hyde) Jackie's feeling very vulnerable right now. She's feeling unattractive and unloved. You need to let her know that you still want her and need her. And remind her that when this is all done she'll have a beautiful little baby. (quickly) Oh, but try and gloss over the fact that she'll probably have to spend about two agonizing hours pushing that beautiful baby out. That's not really a big selling point.

RED:

Steven, what you need to do is go out and ... (Red chuckles) oh who am I kidding, I've got nothing. You're in trouble, pal.

KITTY:

(pats Hyde on the leg) Oh sweetie, things will be better in the morning.

RED:

Now, Kitty. Don't lie to the boy. They used to tell us that in Korea. And you know what, things aren't always better in the morning. Sometimes, things are bloodier in the morning. So, (he smiles at Hyde) sleep tight.

HYDE JUST HANGS HIS HEAD.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF HYDE AND JACKIE'S ROOM. THE NEXT MORNING. HYDE IS STANDING OUTSIDE OF HIS BEDROOM DOOR WITH FEZ AND LAURIE.

LAURIE:

(to Hyde) Ok, explain to me again what we're doing here?

HYDE:

(to Fez and Laurie) You know how when miners go into a cave they bring a canary with them to make sure it's safe before they go in? Well, (he pats the two of them on the back) you two are the canaries.

FEZ:

(nervously) But, if it's not safe - the canaries die.

HYDE:

That's a chance I'm willing to take. (pushing them towards the door) Now go in there and cheer Jackie up.

FEZ:

I brought candy. (he smiles and holds up a large bag of M&Ms)

HYDE:

Ooh, that's good. Food is good. Pretty much anything that doesn't remind her of me is good.

THEY OPEN THE DOOR AND THE SONG _"JACKIE BLUE "_ BY THE OZARK MOUNTAIN DAREDEVILS CAN BE HEARD COMING FROM THE ROOM. FEZ HEADS INTO THE ROOM, FOLLOWED BY LAURIE. SHE STOPS AND TURNS BACK TO HYDE.

LAURIE:

Hyde, maybe you should get my mom to do this. (with a ditzy smile) Being nice isn't exactly my strong suit.

HYDE:

You're not here to be nice, Fez is here for that. You're here to makes sure Fez doesn't do anything too creepy. Like help Jackie make a voodoo doll that looks like me.

LAURIE SMILES AND HEADS INTO THE BEDROOM CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HER.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT. A FEW HOURS LATER. HYDE IS PACING BEHIND THE COUCH. KELSO IS IN THE LAWN CHAIR AND DONNA AND ERIC ARE ON THE COUCH. THEY'RE WATCHING HYDE WITH AMUSEMENT.

ERIC:

So, let me get this straight, you left a very depressed Jackie alone with Fez and Laurie?

HYDE:

Yeah. Why? You think that was a mistake?

ERIC:

(sarcastically) Oh I don't know. Why don't you ask the Empire if they think they made a mistake letting the plans exposing the Death Star's weakness fall into the hands of the rebels.

HYDE:

Ok, so maybe it was a mistake.

HYDE CROSSES TO HIS CHAIR AND SITS DOWN. HE TAKES OFF HIS SUNGLASSES AND THROWS THEM ON THE TABLE.

ERIC:

Of course it was, they blew up the Death Star.

HYDE:

(irritated) Forman, my life, not "Star Wars".

ERIC:

(seriously to Hyde) Oh you're no smarter than the dill holes who designed the Death Star, my friend.

DONNA:

(with a laugh) Hyde, this whole pregnancy thing is making you really stupid.

ERIC:

Yeah by the time your kid is born you're gonna be, like, Kelso.

KELSO:

(smiling) Oh he'll need longer than six months to become that sweet. (excitedly) Hyde, why don't you let me try and cheer Jackie up.

HYDE:

Only if you can you promise me you won't try and make out with her.

KELSO:

(with an incredulous laugh) Hyde, makin' out with me is what cheers chicks up.

ERIC AND DONNA LAUGH AND HYDE SINKS INTO HIS CHAIR.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. HYDE AND JACKIE'S BEDROOM. A SHORT WHILE LATER. HYDE ENTERS THE ROOM. THE SONG _"POOR, POOR PITIFUL ME"_ BY LINDA RONSTADT IS PLAYING ON THE STEREO. LAURIE, FEZ AND JACKIE ARE ALL IN THE BED. FEZ IS IN THE MIDDLE WITH HIS ARMS AROUND BOTH OF THE GIRLS. THEY ALL STARE, ANGRILY AT HYDE WHEN HE ENTERS.

FEZ:

(glaring at Hyde) You.

LAURIE:

(to Hyde) You never told us you called her fat. Maybe if you could've controlled your dirty, dirty urges Jackie would be able to button up her pants.

FEZ:

(shaking his head in disgust) You should be ashamed of yourself.

HYDE:

Hey, (points at Fez) Judas, (points at Laurie) Benedict Arnold, thanks for the help. Now get out! (he crosses over to the bed) Jackie, come on, this is stupid.

JACKIE:

Oh. I see. (she starts sniffling again) I'm fat, ridiculous _and_ stupid. Anything else?

HYDE:

(trying to crack a joke) Well, you're a little bit nuts too.

JACKIE THROWS HERSELF BACK INTO HER PILLOW AND STARTS WAILING. HYDE REALIZES HE HAS SAID THE WRONG THING, AGAIN.

HYDE:(cont'd)

I think I'll just stop talking now.

FEZ:

(whispers to Hyde) I think that would be best, yes.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S HOUSE. THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF THEIR BEDROOM. LATER THAT DAY. ERIC, DONNA AND HYDE ARE STANDING OUTSIDE OF THE DOOR.

HYDE:

(to Donna) Ok, so remember, try and cheer her up. (pauses like he remembers something else) Oh, and then get Fez and Laurie out of my bed.

THE SONG _"BARRACUDA_" BY HEART CAN BE HEARD, VERY LOUDLY, FROM INSIDE THE BEDROOM.

DONNA:

(nervously to Hyde) Are you crazy? I'm not going in there! Heart is Jackie's angry music. Come and get me when she puts the Bee Gees on.

DONNA TURNS TO LEAVE AND HYDE GRABS HER BY THE ARM STOPPING HER.

HYDE:

(to Donna) You'll be fine. Just stay behind Forman 'cause she'll go for him first.

ERIC:

(sarcastically) Oh sure, hide behind me. That's a good idea.

HYDE OPENS THE DOOR AND ERIC AND DONNA GO INTO THE BEDROOM. THE MUSIC IS EVEN LOUDER WITH THE DOOR OPEN. THE DOOR SHUTS BEHIND DONNA AND HYDE SHAKES HIS HEAD.

HYDE:

Oh yeah, this'll work.

CUT TO INT. FORMAN KITCHEN AN HOUR LATER. RED IS AT THE TABLE READING THE PAPER AND KITTY IS AT THE COUNTER PUTTING AWAY SOME DISHES. HYDE COMES IN THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR.

HYDE:

Mrs. Forman, it's not working. They've been in there for an hour and nobody's come out. I'm sure Donna's ok but it's a pretty safe bet that Jackie's killed Forman.

KITTY:

Steven, do you want me to go talk to Jackie?

RED:

(looking up from his paper) Not so fast, Kitty. All of the kids have locked themselves into Steven and Jackie's room. That means they're not here. (he shrugs) I don't see a downside to this situation.

KITTY GIVES RED A DISAPPROVING SMILE, HE GOES BACK TO HIS PAPER.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 5

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S HOUSE. THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF THEIR BEDROOM. A FEW MINUTES LATER. KITTY AND HYDE ARE STANDING OUTSIDE. KITTY OPENS THE DOOR AND STEPS INSIDE.

KITTY:

(yelling) Ok, everybody but Jackie get your little tushies out of here.

ERIC, DONNA, FEZ AND LAURIE EXIT. THEY ALL GLARE AT HYDE ON THEIR WAY OUT.

ERIC:

(loudly, his voice cracking) Man, you didn't tell us you called her fat, ridiculous and stupid _and _nuts. You must have a death wish.

DONNA:

(points at Hyde) You're lucky I don't kick your ass, Hyde.

THEY HEAD OFF AND THEN KELSO COMES OUT OF THE BEDROOM AND SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.

HYDE:

(stopping him) Kelso, what the hell, man?

KELSO:

(quietly to Hyde) Don't worry, I didn't make out with Jackie. (a beat) I tried, but, no-go.

HYDE FROGGS KELSO.

KELSO:

(holding his arm in pain he yells) I was _trying_ to help!

KELSO STOMPS OFF, POUTING.

CUT TO INT. HYDE AND JACKIE'S ROOM. JACKIE IS STILL LAYING ON THE BED AND KITTY CROSSES TO THE BED AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO HER.

KITTY:

Here, (holding out a plate to Jackie) I brought over some brownies and we are just going to sit here and talk about how insensitive men are. (patting Jackie on the knee) So, get comfy. (she laughs)

JACKIE:

Thanks, Mrs. Forman but Fez brought over a one pound bag of M&Ms and I ate the whole thing. (looking a little guilty) I even slapped his hand when he tried to take some.

KITTY:

Well that will teach him to get in between a pregnant woman and some food.

KITTY SETS DOWN THE PLATE ON THE BED.

JACKIE:

(sadly) Mrs. Forman, I just I feel so ugly. (she smiles) I'm so excited about the baby, I really am. (Her smile falls) But I look awful, and it's only gonna get worse because I'm _really_, _really_ hungry. And Steven, (she covers her mouth with her hand) oh poor Steven, one minute I'm ripping his clothes off the next I'm slamming the door in his face. (with a quivering lip) I'm a crazy person.

KITTY:

Jackie, you're not a crazy person. You're a pregnant person, and sometimes there's a very fine line between the two. So Steven will just have to get used to a little craziness. You see, men don't have to deal with the stretch marks and the nausea and the heart burn. But they have to deal with us. And frankly, that might be a little worse. Because _you_ can always take a Tums. (she laughs)

JACKIE:

I think I must have extra strong hormones. (she pauses, thinking) Maybe it's because I'm so good looking.

KITTY:

I know what you mean. When I went through menopause I swear God tripled me up on the hormones just to get a little laugh. (a little crazed) Well I didn't think it was so funny! (to Jackie) So enjoy pregnancy, because menopause is one hundred times worse!

JACKIE:

(shaking her head) Wow. I can't believe you didn't kill one of us.

KITTY:

(laughs nervously) Well, I came pretty close. It's a good thing Laurie missed most of it.

JACKIE SMILES AT KITTY AND THEN LOOKS AT THE PLATE OF BROWNIES.

JACKIE:

Mrs. Forman? Can I have some of those brownies now?

KITTY HOLDS OUT THE PLATE.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 6

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT. AROUND THE SAME TIME. HYDE IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR. HE IS THE ONLY ONE IN THE BASEMENT. RED COMES DOWN THE STAIRS.

RED:

Steven, I have a little something for you.

RED HANDS HYDE A PIECE OF PAPER.

HYDE:

(looking at the paper) What's this?

RED:

It's directions to Maternity World in Kenosha. I took Kitty there after she locked herself in the bathroom when she was pregnant with Laurie. If it weren't for this place Laurie may have been born in that bathroom.

HYDE:

(looks at Red) You knew about this place all along and you didn't tell me?

RED:

(grins wickedly) Now how much fun would that be for me? But, since I really don't want you moving back into my basement I figured I should share this with you.

HYDE:

(very relieved) This is perfect, once Jackie realizes she gets a whole new wardrobe, she'll totally forget about gaining weight.

RED:

(with a grin, he shakes his head) No she won't.

HYDE:

Ok, well, she'll forget for a few minutes anyway. And a few good minutes sounds really good to me right now. (with an irritated look) So, how much is this place gonna cost me?

RED:

A lot. (Pats Hyde on the back) But, you can't really put a price on your sanity.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 7

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT. A SHORT WHILE LATER. ERIC SITS IN HYDE'S CHAIR DONNA, FEZ AND LAURIE ARE ON THE COUCH. KELSO IS IN THE LAWN CHAIR.

DONNA:

(sighing) God, what a day.

ERIC:

(with an amused smirk) You know I bet Hyde never thought he would long for the days when Jackie was just mean instead of mean _and_ crazy.

FEZ:

Eric, you are so insensitive. A woman needs to feel loved and adored.

KELSO:

(nodding) He's right, Eric.

FEZ:

Yes, that's why I like to adore my Laurie about four times a day. (giving Laurie a perverted grin)

LAURIE:

(with a ditzy smile) Sometimes more.

ERIC:

(to Fez) Ok, first of all, gross, and secondly, it's pretty hard to love and adore someone that's all freaked out and bonkers.

DONNA:

(to Eric) Are you calling Jackie bonkers? Like my dearly departed cat that you killed.

ERIC:

(laughs nervously) Ok, maybe bonkers isn't the right word.

DONNA:

(stands up and hovers, menacingly over Eric) So what _is_ the right word?

KELSO:

(leaning in to watch the fight) Oh good, free entertainment!

LAURIE:

(laughing at Eric) Oh my God, I forgot you killed her cat. What's wrong with you?

ERIC:

What? (stammering) Nothing ... I ... so, Donna (nervously) what's say we go over to your house and I adore you?

DONNA:

Go adore yourself, dink!

DONNA STORMS OFF. FEZ TURNS TO ERIC AND SMILES.

FEZ:

Well, well, well. Look who is all alone. So, Fez has a beautiful woman to love. And Eric has a very angry girlfriend that will not fulfill his needs. What a wonderful turn of events.

LAURIE:

Come on, Fez. Lets go home and do it _five _times just to piss off Eric.

LAURIE STANDS UP AND TAKES FEZ'S HAND, PULLING HIM OFF THE COUCH. THEY CROSS TO THE DOOR AND FEZ TURNS BACK TO GLOAT AT ERIC AND KELSO.

FEZ:

Goodnight, my sad womenless friends.

FEZ AND LAURIE EXIT.

KELSO:

Wow, Fez is gettin' some and we're not. (with a big, dumb smile) That's an awesome burn!

ERIC:

(irritated) Yeah, on us.

KELSO:

(yells) It doesn't mean we can't appreciate the sweet burn, Eric!

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 7

INT. MATERNITY WORLD CLOTHING STORE. THAT NIGHT. JACKIE IS SO BUSY POUTING, SHE DOESN'T EVEN NOTICE SHE'S IN A CLOTHING STORE. HYDE IS DRAGGING HER INTO THE STORE BY THE HAND.

JACKIE:

Steven, I told you I don't want to go anywhere. I look ridiculous. I'm wearing an elastic waistband in public.

HYDE:

You're gonna like this place.

JACKIE:

(she finally looks around) Oh my God! This is a maternity store. (she smiles excitedly at Hyde) You're taking me shopping! (she starts clapping) Oh Steven, thank you, thank you, thank you! How could I have forgotten I get to buy an entirely new wardrobe?

HYDE:

(with a smirk) Well you've been busy. It's a full time job making my life miserable, yelling at me, throwing me out.

JACKIE:

Oh, Steven. I'm sorry. (she wraps her arms around his waist) I know I'm a little crazy. But I'll be better, I promise. (smiling at him) This is the sweetest thing you have ever done for me. (sincerely) Thank you.

HYDE:

(looking a little embarrassed) Try and remember this the next time you want to kick my ass to the curb.

SHE LEANS IN AND KISSES HIM SWEETLY. THEN SHE PULLS BACK AND LOOKS AT HIM, SHE GETS A CRAZED LOOK IN HER EYES AND THEN SHE GRABS HYDE AND YANKS HER TO HIM. SHE STARTS MAKING OUT WITH HIM, HYDE PULLS BACK.

HYDE:

Jackie ...

JACKIE:

(interrupting him) Oh learn when to just shut up, Steven. (she frantically looks around and sees a dressing room) In there!

SHE OPENS THE DOOR AND SHOVES HYDE IN THEN GOES IN AFTER HIM AND CLOSES THE DOOR.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN. THAT NIGHT. RED, KITTY, ERIC, HYDE AND JACKIE ARE SITTING DOWN EATING DINNER. JACKIE, WHO IS NOW WEARING MATERNITY CLOTHES, IS LOADING HER PLATE UP WITH HUGE AMOUNTS OF FOOD. HYDE IS JUST STARING AT HER HE LOOKS VERY AMUSED, EVERYONE ELSE IS IGNORING HER.

HYDE:

(with a grin) Jackie, don't you think it might be nice if you left some food for the rest of us.

ERIC AND KITTY QUICKLY JUMP UP FROM THE TABLE, TAKE THEIR PLATES AND HEAD INTO THE LIVING ROOM. RED STARES AT HYDE, DUMBFOUNDED. HYDE IMMEDIATELY REALIZES HIS MISTAKE.

JACKIE:

(fuming) This is for your child, Steven. Do you want me to stay thin and sexy, or do you want to have a healthy child?

HYDE:

(panicking, he looks to Red) If there's a right answer here I'd love to know what it is.

RED:

(with an amused smile) There isn't.

HYDE SMILES WEAKLY AT JACKIE WHO GOES BACK TO LOADING UP HER PLATE WITH FOOD.

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"Second Hand News"

Kelso becomes convinced Donna and Hyde are having an affair. What happens when he shares this news with Jackie and Eric? A big mess of course.


	14. Second Hand News

"Second Hand News"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Fleetwood Mac.

I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disaster that was Season 8. This would be episode 8-7.

Thanks again to everyone for reading and reviewing!

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. PINCIOTTI KITCHEN. MORNING. DONNA IS AT THE TABLE EATING BREAKFAST. JOANNE AND BOB ARE AT THE COUNTER CLEANING UP. HYDE ENTERS.

HYDE:

Morning.

DONNA:

(a little surprised) Hey, Hyde.

BOB:

Steven, do you want some breakfast?

JOANNE:

I made crepes.

BOB:

(smiling at Joanne) Jojo makes delicious crepes. I don't really care for the French, but I sure do like their food.

HYDE:

No thanks, Bob. Jackie made eggs, pancakes, sausages ...

JOANNE:

(interrupting him) Well isn't she sweet making all that food for you.

HYDE:

Oh no, that was for her. She made me some toast.

BOB:

(to Donna) Well, sweetie. We're heading out. We've got a busy day. Joanne's teaching me how to fly fish and then I'm teaching her how to limbo.

JOANNE SMILES AND NODS AND THEY BOTH EXIT. DONNA LAUGHS AS SHE WATCHES THEM GO.

DONNA:

(to Hyde) They're a little strange.

HYDE:

(shrugs) Hey, I don't judge, man. (sits down next to her) Listen, Donna. I need a favor.

DONNA:

Ok. (with a smile) But if it involves Jackie I want to be paid.

HYDE:

(reluctantly and a little embarrassed) I wanna do something for Jackie but I need your help. And you've gotta keep quiet.

DONNA:

(puts up her hands in protest) On no. I'm not doing anything behind Jackie's back, she's really scary right now. I don't wanna piss her off.

HYDE:

It's nothing bad. Look, (pauses and speaks quickly) I wanna buy a crib for the baby. You know to surprise Jackie.

DONNA:

(smiles) You did something wrong again didn't you?

HYDE:

Maybe.

DONNA:

(slightly jealous) God, every time you screw up Jackie gets something really cool.

HYDE:

(with a nod) Yeah, she's a lucky girl, cause I screw up a lot.

DONNA:

Every time Eric screws up he tries to make it better only then he screws up worse.

HYDE:

I love to watch him do that.

DONNA:

So what'd you do this time?

HYDE:

(irritated) I missed our four month anniversary.

DONNA:

(she pauses, thinking) That was two weeks ago.

HYDE:

Yeah, well, Jackie can hold a grudge for a really long time. I can't remember all of her crazy anniversaries. The first time we kissed, the first time we held hands, the first time we went shopping...

DONNA:

(interrupting him) If you say the first time you did it I'm leaving.

HYDE:

(with a grin) Oh no, that one I remember. That's a celebration I show up for.

DONNA JUST ROLLS HER EYES AT HYDE.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. GROOVES. LATER THAT MORNING. KELSO, IN HIS POLICE UNIFORM IS STANDING BEHIND THE REGISTER. LAURIE AND FEZ ARE SITTING IN THE LISTENING PIT. VAN HALEN'S "_RUNNIN' WITH THE DEVIL"_ IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. JACKIE COMES IN THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. SHE NOW HAS A VISIBLE BABY BUMP AND IS WEARING MATERNITY CLOTHES SHE LOOKS AROUND FOR HYDE AND HEADS TO THE REGISTER.

JACKIE:

(to Kelso) What are you doing? Where's Steven?

KELSO:

He said he had some business to do, so he left me in charge. (smiling proudly) It's the uniform, it inspires a feeling of confidence in people.

JACKIE CROSSES BEHIND THE COUNTER AND HITS A BUTTON ON THE CASH REGISTER OPENING THE DRAWER.

JACKIE:

(grinning sarcastically at Kelso) Oh really? Is that why he took all the money out of the cash register?

KELSO:

(defeated) Ok fine, he told me to stand here and make sure no one steals anything and if they want to actually buy something they just bring it over to Eric's store to pay for it.

JACKIE:

Yeah, that makes a little more sense. (she turns to Fez and Laurie) What are you guys doing?

FEZ:

(with a perverted smile) We are just waiting for Eric to get busy so then we can sneak into his magazine room without him noticing.

LAURIE SMILES AT FEZ NODS IN AGREEMENT. JACKIE LOOKS AT THEM LIKE THEY ARE SICK AND HEADS TO ERIC'S STORE.

CUT TO INT. THE FORCE. THERE ARE SEVERAL CUSTOMERS WALKING AROUND AND ERIC IS HELPING SOMEONE. JACKIE COMES IN FROM THE DOORWAY FROM GROOVES. SHE LOOKS AROUND FOR ERIC AND WHEN SHE FINDS HIM SHE CROSSES TO HIM. THE SONG "_FOOLING YOURSELF(THE ANGRY YOUNG MAN)"_ BY STYX IS PLAYING ON THE RADIO IN THE BACKGROUND.

JACKIE:

Eric, where's Steven?

ERIC:

He said he had to go to a doctor's appointment with you.

JACKIE:

(nastily) Does it look like he's at a doctor's appointment with me?

ERIC:

(with an annoyed smile) Jackie, I'm really busy here, so can we play "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" later?

JACKIE:

(a little nuts) Is that a crazy person reference? Because I am _so_ not crazy right now. I was crazy earlier, now I'm just cranky.

ERIC:

Whatever you are, can you go be it somewhere else?

JACKIE CROSSES BEHIND ERIC'S REGISTER AND SITS IN HIS STOOL.

JACKIE:

(whining) No. I need someone to cheer me up. And Steven's not here and you are. (she smiles) So congratulations, you get the job.

ERIC:

But, I don't want the job.

JACKIE:

(a subtle threat) I'll tell Steven you made me cry.

ERIC:

(with a fake smile) I'd love the job.

JACKIE:

(triumphantly) Perfect.

DJ'S VOICE:

(coming over the speakers) This is DJ Rock Rockman and that was a little Styx to get your day going.

JACKIE:

(confused to Eric) Hey, (listening to the radio) isn't Donna supposed to be on the air right now?

ERIC:

Who cares, this guy plays Styx.

CUSTOMER:

(to Eric) Excuse me, do you have any Bantha action figures? I have a lots of Sand People but no Banthas.

ERIC:

(with a cheesy smile) Well, that won't work, I mean how are your Sand People supposed to get around the desert? Walk?

ERIC AND THE CUSTOMER BOTH LAUGH AND JACKIE LOOKS AT THEM LIKE THEY'RE IDIOTS. ERIC HEADS TOWARDS THE BACK OF THE STORE.

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes) Oh, please.

A CUSTOMER WITH ONE ITEM SETS IT DOWN ON THE COUNTER IN FRONT OF JACKIE.

CUSTOMER #2:

(to Jackie) I'm all set.

JACKIE:

(glares at the customer) Are you kidding me? I don't work here. Do I look like a weirdo to you?

ERIC:

(yelling to Jackie over his shoulder from the back of the store) Look, Jackie, I've got to help this guy. The register is the same as Hyde's. Just ring him up and get him some change.

JACKIE:

(with an irritated sigh) Fine. (to the customer) Is that all you're buying? Come on, get something else. I know you don't have any bills because you probably still live at home and there's no way you have a girlfriend to buy things for. So, why don't you just go pick out more toys and spend all of your money. (with a peppy smile) It'll make you feel all happy inside.

CUSTOMER #2 HEADS BACK TO PICK OUT SOME MORE ITEMS AND JACKIE SMILES.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. BABYLAND STORE. HYDE AND DONNA ARE WALKING AROUND. HYDE LOOKS VERY ANNOYED AND UNCOMFORTABLE. DONNA IS LOOKING AT THE BABY CLOTHES. SHE HAS A HUGE SMILE ON HER FACE.

DONNA:

(laughing) Oh my God, look at how cute this is! (she holds up a tiny, pink frilly dress and does a baby voice) "Buy me daddy, buy me!"

HYDE:

(grimacing) I'm not looking at that stuff. I'm here to pay. That's it.

A CLERK COMES UP TO THEM. IT'S FENTON.

FENTON:

May I help you two?

HYDE:

(looking at Fenton strangely) Hey, don't I know you?

FENTON:

(checking out Hyde) I don't know? Do you? You're not really my type but perhaps we met after I'd had a few too many Fuzzy Navels.

DONNA:

(laughing) Gee, Hyde, I didn't know you hung out at the Rainbow Lounge.

HYDE:

(to Donna) Get bent. (he turns back to Fenton) You're Fez and Kelso's landlord, aren't you?

FENTON:

(with a smug smile) Yes, I am the Lord of their Home.

DONNA:

Oh my God, that's right. Hey didn't you used to work at the jewelry store?

FENTON:

I _did_. But they fired me. Apparently it's _not_ ok to borrow the jewelry when you go on vacation. So, now I work here. I'm a nursery consultant.

DONNA:

What's a nursery consultant?

FENTON:

(gesturing to himself) It's me. (a beat) So, what is it that you need? A changing table, an antique rocking horse or perhaps our deluxe Little Angel Crib that comes complete with the singing teddy bear mobile?

HYDE:

(very sarcastically) Well, right about now I'd love a beer and to be knocked unconscious.

FENTON:

(giving Hyde a smile) Well, maybe after my shift ends.

HYDE LOOKS TO DONNA. HE LOOKS LIKE HE MIGHT LOSE IT.

DONNA:

(to Fenton) Ok, he's not like Fez. (indicating Hyde) He's kind of violent.

FENTON:

(smiling) Well aren't you the lucky lady.

HYDE:

I just need a crib. It's a gift. My wife can come in later and pick out the rest of the stuff.

FENTON:

Alright. What kind of crib? We have over twenty-five different models.

HYDE:

(irritated) I don't know, a crib the kid can sleep in. You know one that has walls so he doesn't fall out. (he turns to Donna) Donna, help me out here.

DONNA:

(she doesn't know either) Um, I think we need one that has a mattress too.

HYDE:

(nodding) Yep. A mattress would be good.

FENTON:

Well then, our deluxe Little Angel Crib is perfect.

HYDE:

(with an annoyed grin) That's the most expensive one in the store isn't it?

FENTON:

Yes. I believe it is.

HYDE:

Will you leave me alone if I buy it?

FENTON:

Yes.

HYDE:

(he nods) I'll take one.

FENTON SMILES AND DONNA LAUGHS AT HYDE WHO LOOKS VERY IRRITATED.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN. THAT AFTERNOON. RED, KITTY, ERIC AND JACKIE ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE EATING DINNER.

ERIC:

(with a laugh) You guys should've seen Jackie. She talked every person in the store into spending all of their money. It was awesome. (giving Jackie a smile) You know, you would've made a great televangelist.

JACKIE:

(with a smug look) I'm glad I could help make some sad loser's life a little more losery by encouraging him to buy more Star Wars toys.

HYDE AND DONNA ENTER. THEY LOOK VERY NERVOUS WHEN THEY SEE JACKIE.

ERIC:

(to Donna and Hyde) Where have you guys been all day? You know Kelso handcuffed some guy in your store 'cause he thought he was shoplifting. The poor guy was just grabbing his handkerchief.

HYDE:

(slowly) Um ... where have we been? What do you mean by "been"?

DONNA:

(blurts out) At a feminist rally. We've been at a feminist rally!

RED:

(glaring at Hyde) What?

HYDE:

(irritated to Donna) Yeah, what the hell?

DONNA:

(quickly) We were selling records at a feminist rally. You know, come meet Hot Donna, buy a record.

HYDE:

(suddenly playing along) Yeah, I accidentally ordered a whole bunch of Pat Benatar albums. I had to try and unload them.

JACKIE STANDS UP AND CROSSES TO HYDE WRAPPING HER ARMS AROUND HIM.

JACKIE:

Oh, my poor Steven with all those unshaven women yelling at you all day. How about we go home and I give you a back rub?

HYDE:

(quickly grabbing Jackie by the hand) Well, goodnight everybody.

DONNA:

Wait, (she stops Jackie) Jackie, you can't go home!

JACKIE:

Why not?

HYDE:

(irritated, to Donna) Yeah, why not?

DONNA:

Because, (she's not sure what to say) ... because you were going to wax the floors in your kitchen remember. And Jackie you have to wait here because the fumes ... the fumes ... are super ... fumey.

KITTY:

(with a proud smile) Oh Steven, you are so sweet to wax the floors for Jackie. Red did you hear that?

RED:

(cranky) No. I stopped listening after the words "feminist rally".

HYDE SMILES WEAKLY AT RED, WHO SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISGUST.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. FEZ, LAURIE AND KELSO'S APARTMENT. KELSO IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WITH A PAIR OF HEADSETS ON. SOMEONE IS KNOCKING, VERY LOUDLY, ON THE DOOR. KELSO DOESN'T HEAR A THING. FEZ COMES OUT OF HE AND LAURIE'S BEDROOM. HE IS WEARING A ROBE. HE CROSSES TO KELSO AND RIPS THE HEADPHONES CORD OUT OF THE STEREO, CUTTING OFF KELSO'S MUSIC. KELSO TURNS AND LOOKS AT HIM.

FEZ:

(to Kelso) Are you deaf, man? Answer the door.

KELSO:

(whining) I told you - if I don't wear these I can hear you guys doing it and I am _so sick _of hearing you two do it. Give the poor girl a night off I'm begging you, man!

FEZ:

(with mock sympathy) Oh boo hoo. Answer the door!

FEZ HEADS BACK INTO HIS BEDROOM AND KELSO HEADS TO THE DOOR. HE PUTS THE HEADPHONES AROUND HIS NECK. HE OPENS THE DOOR. IT'S FENTON.

KELSO:

(getting cranky) Ok, look. I know. They're REALLY loud. I've asked them to keep it down, but that just makes them mad. And when they're mad, they get louder. (points to his neck) So just go buy some headphones like I did.

FENTON:

I'm not here about that. Although you're right. They are incredibly loud. (smugly) I must admit, I didn't think Fez had it in him. (a beat) I'm here because your rent is due today.

KELSO:

Oh yeah. That.

FENTON:

(bitchy) Yes, that. And stop paying me in pennies. It's not funny.

KELSO:

(indignant) Fine!

KELSO HEADS OVER TO THE KITCHEN AND OPENS THE FRIDGE. HE PULLS OUT A WAD OF CASH AND CROSSES BACK TO FENTON.

FENTON:

You keep your rent money in the fridge?

KELSO:

Hey, banks get robbed, man. Nobody's ever robbed our fridge. (He hands him the money) Here. (he leans in and whispers to Fenton) You're not gonna tell any robbers where we keep our money are you?

FENTON:

Not if you give me your head phones I won't.

KELSO:

(sighing loudly) Fine.

KELSO RIPS THE HEADPHONES OFF OF HIS NECK AND HANDS THEM TO FENTON.

FENTON:

Oh, I saw one of your scruffy friends today at my store with his wife, the Redhead.

KELSO:

(confused) Who?

FENTON:

(with distaste) The one with the very unmanageable hair.

KELSO:

Oh, that's Hyde. What was he doing at your store?

FENTON:

He said he was buying a gift.

KELSO:

Wait, did you say his wife had red hair? Jackie doesn't have red hair. Donna has red hair.

FENTON:

Oh I know hair my friend, and hers was a scrumptious shade of cinnamon red.

FENTON GOES TO LEAVE THEN HE STOPS AND TURNS BACK AROUND.

FENTON:(cont'd)

By the way, I'm sorry things didn't work out with you and Fez. You know, if you're ever lonely I'm just a short little staircase away.

KELSO SLAMS THE DOOR IN HIS FACE. THEN HE TURNS AROUND LOOKING VERY CONFUSED.

KELSO:

(to himself) What would Hyde be doing at a jewelry store with Donna? And why would he say she was his wife?

KELSO GOES THROUGH A MYRIAD OF FACIAL EXPRESSIONS, FROM BOREDOM, TO CONFUSION, TO OPEN MOUTHED SHOCK AND REALIZATION.

KELSO:

(yelps) UH!

FEZ AND LAURIE COME OUT OF THE BEDROOM BOTH WEARING ROBES..

FEZ:

(to Kelso) Who was at the door?

KELSO SPASTICALLY COLLECTS HIS THINGS AND HEADS TO THE DOOR.

KELSO:

(freaking out) No time to talk, man. I've gotta go kick Hyde's ass. (with a small smile) Well, I'm not sure yet if I'm gonna kick his ass or buy him a beer and high five him. I'll decide on the way over.

KELSO EXITS AND A VERY CONFUSED FEZ AND AMUSED LAURIE WATCH HIM GO.

LAURIE:

What the hell was he talking about?

FEZ:

Who knows. But it doesn't take a crystal ball to see that someone is going to end up in the emergency room tonight. So hurry up and get dressed, we don't want to miss it!

FEZ AND LAURIE HURRY BACK INTO THEIR ROOM

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S HOUSE. A SHORT WHILE LATER. AN EMPTY BEDROOM THAT WILL BECOME THE NURSERY. THERE ARE CRIB PARTS AND SEVERAL SHEETS OF INSTRUCTIONS SPREAD OUT ALL OVER THE FLOOR. HYDE AND DONNA ARE KNEELING ON THE FLOOR LOOKING AT EVERYTHING.

HYDE:

(very irritated) A feminist rally, Donna? Why didn't you just tell them we were crib shopping? _That's_ less embarrassing .

DONNA:

(with a chuckle) Hey, once everybody finds out what you really did today they get to have a good laugh. It's only fair that I get to have one too. (she looks back at the crib parts) Ok, tell me again why I have to help you do this?

HYDE:

Because you're Forman's girlfriend and I know you've witnessed him put together hundreds of those Star Wars models. So, I was kind of hoping some of that rubbed off on you.

DONNA:

Are you kidding? I just sit there and drink while he puts those things together.

CUT TO THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF THE ROOM KELSO SNEAKS UP TO THE DOOR AND PUTS HIS EAR TO IT, LISTENING.

DONNA:

(voice only through the door) Wow, Hyde. This looks really hard.

KELSO'S EYES GO WIDE.

HYDE:

(voice only through the door) That's why _you're_ here. To make it less hard.

KELSO'S EYES GO WIDER.

DONNA:

(voice only) Ok, what am I supposed to do?

HYDE:

(voice only) God, I can't believe after all these years Forman hasn't taught you how to do this.

DONNA:

(voice only) Eric never lets me touch his things. He likes to do it himself.

KELSO GIGGLES LIKE AN IDIOT.

HYDE:

(voice only) Ok then, I'll show you how to do it.

KELSO SLAPS HIS HAND OVER HIS MOUTH.

DONNA:

(voice only) Ouch! Stop poking me with that thing.

KELSO SLAPS THE OTHER HAND OVER HIS MOUTH.

CUT TO INT. NURSERY. HYDE AND DONNA ARE TRYING TO PUT THE CRIB TOGETHER. DONNA IS HOLDING ONTO A PIECE OF THE CRIB WHILE HYDE IS TRYING TO SCREW IN A SCREW. HE IS REPEATEDLY POKING DONNA IN THE FINGER WITH THE SCREWDRIVER AS IT SLIPS OFF OF THE SCREW.

DONNA:

God, Hyde. Where did you learn how to screw?

SHE PULLS HER FINGER AWAY IN PAIN.

HYDE:

(with a smirk) Hey, Jackie's never complained.

DONNA:

(rolls her eyes) You're sick you know that?

CUT BACK TO THE HALLWAY AND KELSO WHO IS NOW REPEATEDLY BANGING HIS HEAD, QUIETLY, AGAINST THE WALL.

DONNA:

(voice only) Now quit fooling around, Jackie could walk in at any minute. Let's just do this.

HYDE:

(voice only) Fine, but you're totally taking all of the fun out of it.

KELSO TURNS AWAY FROM THE WALL AND SQUEEZES HIS LIPS SHUT SO HE DOESN'T YELL OUT. HE PACES AROUND THE HALLWAY SPASTICALLY, HIS ARMS FLAILING. FINALLY HE STORMS OFF.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY. IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING. KELSO IS FRANTICALLY PACING BACK AND FORTH. HE IS FREAKING OUT.

KELSO:

(to himself, very quickly) Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God ...

FEZ AND LAURIE, HOLDING HANDS WALK UP THE DRIVEWAY. THEY STOP WHEN THEY SEE KELSO. THEY STAND AND WATCH HIM WITH AMUSEMENT.

FEZ:

(to Kelso) What, you're not injured yet? Hurry it up, man. Laurie and I have things to do.

KELSO:

You guys! Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God ...

LAURIE:

(interrupts him) Kelso, when did you become so religious?

KELSO:

Holy crap! You guys are not going to believe what I just found out!

FEZ:

(putting up his hands) Ok, fine. We did it in your bed. But it was just the one time and we washed the sheets - so stop your complaining.

KELSO:

I'll kick your ass for that tomorrow. But right now we've got big problems, man. (he pauses) Big! (again he pauses) SO BIG! (a longer pause) HUGE!

LAURIE:

(irritated) Oh my God, will you just spit it out already!

KELSO:

(waving his arms around crazily he yells) DONNA AND HYDE ARE HAVING AN AFFAIR!

LAURIE:

(yells) What?

FEZ:

(starts pacing and freaking out) Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God ...

KELSO:

(pointing spastically at Fez) See, that's what I said too!

LAURIE:

(shaking her head looking very spacey) This is bad, oh this is so bad. (to Kelso) Jackie does not like being cheated on!

KELSO:

(he nods in agreement) You're tellin' me!

KELSO AND LAURIE HAVE A LITTLE LAUGH. FEZ LOOKS VERY ANNOYED.

FEZ:

(to Kelso) If you and my wife are done reminiscing - what are we going to do?

KELSO:

(with a perverted smile) I vote we climb up a tree and watch.

LAURIE:

(hits Kelso and then asks him) How do you know they're having an affair? Did you see them?

KELSO:

(hisses at Laurie) They were in a room - of course I didn't see them! I'm not Superman. (pauses and gives a dumb grin) Man, I wish I had X-ray vision. I bet Superman sees some sweet things.

FEZ:

(grabbing Kelso by the shoulders) Kelso! Focus!

KELSO:

Look, I heard them ok, over at Hyde's house. I know sex talk, and that was sex talk. They were talking about screwing, and poking and doing it yourself ...

FEZ:

(interrupts him) He's right, that's sex talk.

LAURIE:

(starts pacing) Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God ...

FEZ:

(interrupts her) Ok, we have to come up with something else to say.

THE THREE OF THEM STAND ON THE DRIVEWAY, FLIPPING OUT.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT FORMAN LIVING ROOM. A SHORT WHILE LATER. RED AND KITTY ARE WATCHING TV. RED IS IN HIS CHAIR AND KITTY IS ON THE COUCH. THEY ARE BOTH HAVING A DRINK. KELSO, FEZ AND LAURIE BURST THROUGH THE KITCHEN DOOR AND STOP IN THEIR TRACKS. THEY DON'T MOVE. THEY JUST STARE, NERVOUSLY, AT RED AND KITTY

RED:

(looking angry) Are you kids on dope?

KITTY:

Laurie, what's the matter? Oh no. You three don't want to move in here do you? You cannot live here, there is not enough wine in Point Place for me to survive that.

FEZ:

(very nervously) Miss Kitty, we have a question. What if you knew something really, really horrible about someone doing something really, really terrible.

RED:

(to Fez) Speak English, Tonto.

FEZ:

What if you knew someone was having an affair?

KITTY:

(with an excited smile) Ooh, is it Hilary Peterson? I always knew she was a tramp.

LAURIE:

No, Mom. It's not Hilary Peterson.

KITTY:

Oh I know, it's Rita Martin isn't it? Well who could blame her, her husband's a little flighty if you know what I mean.

LAURIE:

(shaking her head, slowly) No, it isn't Rita Martin.

FEZ:

(very nervously) It isn't anyone you know. It's ... it's ... well let's just use an example shall we. What if it were oh I don't know ... for example ... Donna and Hyde.

KELSO:(together) Fez!

LAURIE:(together) Fez!

KITTY:

(with a look of absolute shock) Steven and Donna are having an affair?

FEZ:

(quickly) No, no, no I did not say that ... I said, (he pauses) "for example"

KELSO:

Fez, whenever you give an example you use the names you're trying to cover up.

FEZ:

(smiles uncomfortably) Oh, you noticed that.

KITTY:

(puts her head in her hands) Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God ...

KELSO:

(spastically) I ALREADY TRIED THAT AND APPARENTLY GOD'S TOO BUSY TO HELP OUT RIGHT NOW!

RED:

(gets out of his chair and crosses to Kitty) Now, Kitty. Calm down. I'm sure there's an explanation for this.

KITTY:

(with an angry smile) Oh there's an explanation alright. That red headed harlot wasn't content just stealing Eric away from me, now she has to have Steven too.

FEZ:

(sadly) Oh my God, Eric ... I had not even thought of Eric. I was just thinking about poor Jackie. Her baby will have to be born in jail after she kills Hyde.

RED:

(turns and points, seriously, at the kids) Nobody says a word about this to Eric or Jackie until I've talked to Steven.

ERIC AND JACKIE WALK THROUGH THE KITCHEN DOOR INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

ERIC:

Nobody says a word about what to Eric and Jackie?

EVERYONE STANDS THERE SPEECHLESS AND MOTIONLESS. KITTY REACHES FOR HER DRINK AND SHE SLAMS DOWN THE WHOLE THING AT ONCE. IT TAKES A FEW SECONDS AND EVERYONE WATCHES HER DO IT.

KITTY:

(laughs nervously) About the fact that I just drank the last of the vodka. (she stands up and tries to push Eric and Jackie back into the kitchen) Now, why don't you two be a pair of angels and run along to the liquor store for me. Only go to the store in Osh Kosh because they have my favorite vodka.

JACKIE:

Mrs. Forman, Steven and I have vodka at our house, I'll go get it for you.

KELSO, FEZ AND LAURIE:

(together) NO!

KITTY:

(quickly) No, no Jackie you can't go home. Remember? Steven and Donna are waxing your floors.

KELSO:

(under his breath to Laurie and Fez) That's a new way to put it.

JACKIE:

Ok, something's going on here. (she smiles) Are you planning me a party?

ERIC:

Jackie, they could be planning _me_ a party. (Jackie raises her eyebrow and shoots Eric a look, he shrugs) Yeah, never mind.

KITTY:

(nervously) Now there's nothing going on. (she plops Jackie down in Red's chair) Jackie, you just sit here for minute Red and I will be right back. We're just going to run over to your house and check on those fumes. Because, we don't want you breathing or seeing anything you're not supposed to.

KITTY AND RED HEAD TOWARDS THE KITCHEN DOOR. JACKIE STANDS UP AND SMILES TRIUMPHANTLY.

JACKIE:

I knew it, there's a surprise waiting for me at home isn't there?

FEZ:

You could say that.

LAURIE HITS HIM.

JACKIE:

(clapping excitedly) Yay! I love surprises. I can't wait, I have to see what it is.

KELSO:

(blurts out frantically) YOU CAN'T GO TO YOUR HOUSE BECAUSE DONNA AND HYDE ARE DOING IT!

RED:

Kelso, I am gonna shove my foot so far up your ass you're going to need a proctologist to get it out.

ERIC:

(very confused) What the hell?

KELSO:

(quietly to Eric) I'm sorry, man. I couldn't keep it in anymore. My head was literally going to blow right off.

KELSO DEMONSTRATES HIS HEAD BLOWING OFF. AND ERIC LOOKS AT HIM LIKE HE'S CRAZY.

ERIC:

(with a chuckle) Kelso, you need to spend less time with the shock collar on, my friend, because Donna and Hyde wouldn't do that to us.

KELSO:

(suddenly very serious) It's true, man. I heard it myself. I'm sorry, Eric.

ERIC:

(slowly to Kelso) You're not fooling around are you?

KELSO SHAKES HIS HEAD SADLY. AND ERIC LOOKS SHELL SHOCKED.

ERIC:(cont'd)

(stunned) Oh my God. That's where they've been all day. That's why Donna wasn't on the air, and why Hyde wasn't at the store. I should've known they were lying as soon as Hyde said he was at a feminist rally.

JACKIE:

(nervously) This has to be a mistake.

ERIC:

(yells crazily) I'll kill him!

JACKIE:

(annoyed) Oh, please.

ERIC:

(to Jackie) What's that supposed to mean?

JACKIE:

(very irritated) It means - if you weren't so wimpy and I wasn't so fat maybe we wouldn't be in this situation!

KITTY:

Now, Jackie, we don't know what's really going on. I mean, Michael's not exactly the most reliable source of information.

KELSO:

UH! Ok, wait, that's true.

JACKIE:

Oh don't worry. I'm calm. I'm going to calmly go over to my house and I'm going to very calmly kill Donna.

ERIC:

Donna? Why not Hyde?

JACKIE:

Because, I am sure Steven is a victim in all of this. That big amazon probably has him tied up doing God knows what to my poor Steven.

JACKIE FOLLOWED BY ERIC HEADS INTO THE KITCHEN WITH EVERYONE ELSE CLOSE BEHIND.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S HOUSE THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF THE NURSERY. JACKIE AND ERIC ENTER THE HALLWAY, FOLLOWED BY KELSO, FEZ, LAURIE AND KITTY. RED STANDS, VERY IRRITATED, AT THE BACK OF THE GROUP. THEY ALL LISTEN AT THE DOOR.

HYDE:

(voice only) Donna, hold still so I can put this in.

KITTY:

(whispers to Eric and Jackie) Well now, they could be doing anything.

DONNA:

(voice only) Ow, Hyde.

JACKIE:

(wide-eyed) Oh my God, they're definitely doing it.

ERIC:

How do you know that? All she said was, "ow".

JACKIE SHOOTS ERIC A TELLING LOOK.

ERIC:

(depressed) Oh.

FEZ:

(sadly) Oh Eric, you have lost her forever now.

ERIC STARTS BANGING ON THE DOOR.

ERIC:

(yelling) Hyde, open this door right now or I'll break it down!

HYDE:

(voice only) Forman? (a beat and then) You can't break down the door.

ERIC:

(he pauses, like he thinking, then he yells) You're right. I can't. (spastically) But I'll keep knocking and knocking until it drives you crazy! So open the door!

HYDE OPENS THE DOOR AND STANDS IN THE DOORWAY. ERIC GRABS JACKIE'S HAND AND THE TWO OF THEM BARGE IN. EVERYONE ELSE FOLLOWS.

LAURIE:

(looking at Hyde she says quietly to Kelso) Smart. They kept their clothes on. (Kelso nods)

ERIC:

(trying to be tough) Ok, buddy. You steal _my_ woman I steal _your_ woman. How do you like these apples? (he holds up Jackie's hand) I'm holding your wife's hand. And ... I'm gonna put my arm around her.

ERIC VERY RELUCTANTLY AND AWKWARDLY PUTS HIS ARM AROUND JACKIE, WHO LOOKS VERY ANNOYED.

JACKIE:

Eric, what are you doing?

ERIC:

I'm sorry, Jackie. This is unpleasant for me too but it'll be over soon, don't worry.

KELSO:

(excitedly) Awesome, someone _is _going to the emergency room and it's not me.

HYDE:

Forman, it would be a really good idea for you to take your hands off of my wife.

HYDE AND DONNA ARE TOTALLY LOST. JACKIE STARTS LOOKING AROUND THE ROOM. SHE IMMEDIATELY REALIZES WHAT'S GOING ON.

DONNA:

Eric, what the hell?

ERIC:

(pointing at Donna) Oh I'll get to you, missy. (looks quizzically at her) Boy, you got dressed really fast.

JACKIE:

(nudging him) Um Eric ...

ERIC:

Hold on, Jackie.

JACKIE:

(a little more urgently) But Eric ...

ERIC:

(steps away from Jackie and timidly pushes Hyde) Ok, buddy. Let's go!

HYDE:

Did you take stupid pills today?

JACKIE:

(yells) Eric!

ERIC:

(exasperated he finally turns to Jackie) Jackie, for the love of God, what?

JACKIE:

Look.

SHE POINTS TO THE HALF BUILT CRIB AND THE OTHER STUFF ON THE FLOOR. ERIC STARES AT IT, REALIZATION SLOWLY CREEPING IN.

ERIC:

(nervously, his voice cracking) It's a crib ... and some tools ... and my girlfriend and my best friend are probably ...

JACKIE:

(with a smile she interrupts Eric) Putting it together. (she covers her mouth with he hands) Oh, Steven.

SHE CROSSES TO HYDE AND THROWS HERSELF AT HIM. HE HOLDS HER BUT HE STILL STARES AT ERIC.

DONNA:

(to Eric) What did you think we were doing?

ERIC:

Well, Kelso said ...

HYDE:

Kelso? The guy who gets his information from the graffiti on the bathroom stalls at The Hub.

KITTY:

You mean you two aren't ...

HYDE AND DONNA LOOK AT EACH OTHER, HORRIFIED.

HYDE:(yelling) NO!

DONNA: (yelling) NO!

RED:

(points at Kelso) Dumbass! (points at Eric) Dumbass! (points at Jackie and pauses) I'll let you slide because you're pregnant. Come on, Kitty. We're going home.

KITTY:

(pausing, she looks at Hyde and Donna and laughs nervously) Oops.

RED AND KITTY EXIT. EVERYONE TURNS AND GLARES AT KELSO.

KELSO:

(stammering) Ok, this is not my fault. Fenton said you two were shopping at his store. (spastically wagging his finger at them) What were you guys doing at a jewelry store?

FEZ:

Oh, you should have probably mentioned that fact to me because Fenton does not work at the jewelry store any more.

KELSO:

How do you know that?

FEZ:

(with a glare) Keep your enemies close, my friend.

KELSO:

Yeah but, then we heard you guys talking about screwing and Donna kept saying "ow" and then Jackie said you were doing it for sure because _apparently_ Hyde's kind of gifted in the pants department.

HYDE:

(with a smirk) Well, that part's true.

DONNA:

I was saying "ow" because Hyde massacred my hand trying to put this crib together. (she holds up her hand)

JACKIE:

(with puppy dog eyes) Steven, I'm so sorry. It's the hormones, they're making me ...

HYDE:

(points at everyone in the room) Nobody say crazy or she'll lock herself in the bedroom again. (he reluctantly grins at Jackie) You know, you can only use that excuse for exactly 22 more weeks.

DONNA:

(to Eric) What's your excuse?

ERIC:

I'm stupid, Donna.

DONNA:

(she laughs) Yes. Yes you are.

ERIC KISSES DONNA AND SHE SLUGS HIM IN THE ARM.

KELSO:

(quietly to Fez and Laurie) Great, that was gonna be my excuse.

JACKIE GRABS HER BABY BUMP.

JACKIE:

Oh my God!

HYDE:

(suddenly very serious) What's the matter? Is it the baby?

JACKIE:

(with a huge smile) I think she just moved.

HYDE:

(looks stunned) Holy crap.

JACKIE:

(giggles) It's like a little goldfish swimming around in my stomach.

KELSO:

(with a smile) I ate a goldfish once.

DONNA:

(incredulously to Eric) This guy? (she points at Kelso) This is where you get your information from?

HYDE LEANS DOWN AND YELLS INTO JACKIE'S STOMACH.

HYDE:

Hey, baby - it's your dad. Don't ever believe a word Kelso tells you.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

JACKIE AND HYDE'S BEDROOM. LATE THAT NIGHT. THE LIGHTS ARE STILL ON BUT THEY ARE BOTH IN BED. JACKIE IS IN HER PAJAMAS AND HYDE HAS HIS SHIRT OFF. SHE IS LAYING DOWN WITH HER EYES CLOSED AND HER BACK TO HYDE HE IS SITTING UP IN BED WIDE AWAKE AND STARING AT HER. JACKIE SHIFTS POSITIONS AND HYDE LEANS INTO HER.

HYDE:

Did he do it again?

JACKIE:

(not opening her eyes) No, Steven. I'm really tired, can I please go to sleep now?

HYDE:

(with a wicked look in his eyes) Do you think if we fooled around he'd move again?

JACKIE:

(slightly exasperated) I don't know, Steven.

HYDE:

(with a smirk) Do you wanna find out?

HYDE GRABS JACKIE AROUND THE WAIST FROM BEHIND AND PULLS HER TO HIM SHE LAUGHS.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"Help Is On the Way"

A very busy Eric decides to hire some help at the store. But, he's less than pleased with his only applicant. And, all of the girls are thrilled to accompany Jackie to her doctor's visit when they discover who her doctor is.


	15. Help Is On Its Way

"Help Is On Its Way"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Little River Band.

I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disaster that was Season 8. This would be episode 8-8.

In this episode I'm introducing a new special guest star and in keeping with the tradition of the show I picked a famous star from the seventies. Actually, a _very_ famous star. Hope you approve.

Thanks for all the reviews! You guys are awesome!

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT. EVENING. THE GANG IS WATCHING _"THE LOVE BOAT" _ON TV AND THE SONG _"TURN TO STONE" _BY E.L.O. IS ON THE RADIO. KELSO IS IN THE LAWN CHAIR. FEZ HAS HIS ARM AROUND LAURIE. THEY ARE ON THE COUCH. DONNA IS SITTING NEXT TO THEM. HYDE IS IN HIS CHAIR WITH JACKIE ON HIS LAP. HIS ARMS ARE WRAPPED AROUND HER WAIST AND HE HAS ONE HAND RESTING ON EACH SIDE OF HER BABY BUMP. UNBEKNOWNST TO HYDE AND JACKIE, THE OTHER FOUR ARE STARING AT THEM. EVERYONE HAS A LOOK OF SHOCK ON THEIR FACE. DONNA STARTS GIGGLING AT HYDE. THEN SHE IS FULL-OUT LAUGHING. HYDE TURNS TO LOOK AT HER.

HYDE:

(annoyed) What?

DONNA:

(still laughing) Look at you. You're so cute. (she points to his hands on the baby)

HYDE:

(immediately takes his hands off of the baby) I am not.

KELSO:

(with a mocking smile) No, she's right. That's cute, man.

FEZ:

You are starting to make the rest of us look like insensitive jerks.

HYDE:

(looking uncomfortable) This - (indicating Jackie's bump) is like a hand rest.

JACKIE:

Steven, our baby is not a hand rest. Just admit it, you were being cute.

HYDE:

(flatly) No. The price is too high.

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes at Hyde) Oh that's what you said when you admitted I was your girlfriend.

HYDE:

Yeah, and look what that got me. Nothing but grief. (he pauses and puts his hands back on the baby) And a really nice handrest.

KITTY COMES DOWN THE STAIRS.

KITTY:

Kids, that was Eric on the phone ... (she pauses and listens) why is the TV on if you have the radio on?

FEZ:

Because, Donna wanted the radio on and Laurie wanted the TV on.

LAURIE:

(shrugs) We're just too lazy to fight about it.

KELSO:

(to Kitty) Yeah, you might not know this about us, but we're pretty unmotivated. Except for when it comes to chicks. (getting excited) Like if there was a totally hot chick upstairs right now that wanted to make out with me - I'd get up. Ooh, or if you made brownies. (he smiles) I'd get up for brownies, too.

KITTY:

(looks a little uncomfortable) Ok well, I'm not really sure what to say to that. (she turns to Donna) Eric called and he said that he's still at work and you should go to the movie without him.

LAURIE:

(with disgust) He's still working? On a Sunday night? God, what a loser.

KITTY SHOOTS HER A WARNING LOOK. AND LAURIE SMILES FAKELY.

LAURIE:(cont'd)

I mean, what a hard worker.

KELSO:

(with a dopey grin) Man, I'm so glad I don't have to work on Sundays. (he frowns) You know if a crime wave ever hits Point Place I'm gonna be super pissed.

DONNA:

(giving Hyde a taunting smile) A crime wave did hit Point Place. Twenty years ago. And he's now comfortably resting his hands on his unborn child.

HYDE GLARES AT DONNA. KITTY STARES AT HYDE. SHE HAS A HUGE SMILE ON HER FACE.

HYDE:

(very irritated to Kitty) What?

KITTY:

You're just so gosh darn cute.

HYDE LIFTS JACKIE OFF OF HIS LAP AND STANDS UP.

HYDE:

(quickly) That's it. I'm outta here.

HE HEADS TOWARDS THE DOOR AND JACKIE SITS BACK DOWN IN HIS CHAIR. HE STOPS WHEN HE GETS TO THE DOOR, THEN HE HEADS BACK TO JACKIE.

HYDE:(cont'd)

(guiltily) And I'm taking my hand rest with me.

HYDE GRABS JACKIE BY THE HAND AND PULLS HER UP, THEN HE DRAGS HER BEHIND HIM AND THEY HEAD OUT THROUGH THE DOOR.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. DONNA'S ROOM. LATE THAT NIGHT. DONNA IS IN BED SLEEPING AND THE LIGHTS ARE OUT. ERIC SNEAKS IN THROUGH THE WINDOW AND CRAWLS INTO BED WITH DONNA.

DONNA:

(sleepily) Eric?

ERIC:

(with a cheesy smile) Well, hello there, pretty lady.

DONNA:

What are you doing here?

ERIC:

I came to see my best girl.

DONNA:

(looking at the clock) At two in the morning? Where have you been?

ERIC:

At work. I had to do inventory tonight.

DONNA:

(she sits up and gives Eric a dirty look) Ok, by, "do inventory", do you mean you spent the night playing with all of your toys and reading girly magazines?

ERIC:

No, I actually worked. (he pauses and smiles) Although your idea sounds much more fun.

DONNA:

(with a pout) Eric, we never see each other anymore.

ERIC:

What do you mean? We're seeing each other right now.

DONNA:

(perturbed) A two am nookie visit isn't for girlfriends, it's for hookers. _Girlfriends_ you see during the daylight.

ERIC:

(with mock seriousness) What do you want me to do? I'm a big success, Donna. This is what happens when you fall in love with a powerful man.

DONNA:

Why don't you just hire someone to work in the store so you don't have to do everything yourself.

ERIC:

Huh. There's a thought. (excitedly) Oh, man. Then I'd be somebody's boss. I could have some poor little minion that would be at my beck and call. Someone that would revere me _and_ fear me.

DONNA:

(laughing) Ok, your highness. Before you put an ad in the paper looking for someone to be your serf, just try and find some geeky high school kid to work weekends.

ERIC:

Yeah, that'd work too.

THEY BOTH SMILE AND ERIC LEANS INTO DONNA AND STARTS KISSING HER. THEY LAY BACK ON THE BED.

CUT TO DONNA'S DOOR SLAMMING OPEN. BOB AND JOANNE BURST INTO THE ROOM LOOKING LIKE THEY'RE READY TO ATTACK. BOB HAS A BASEBALL BAT AND JOANNE HAS A TENNIS RACKET. THEY ARE BOTH IN THEIR PAJAMAS. BOB LOOKS EXTREMELY IRRITATED WHEN HE SEES ERIC IN BED WITH DONNA.

BOB:

You know, just once when I come in here thinking someone's broken into my house, I would actually like to find a prowler and not you violating my little girl.

ERIC SMILES SHEEPISHLY, GETS OUT OF THE BED AND EXITS THE ROOM FOLLOWED BY BOB.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN. THE NEXT MORNING. RED AND KITTY ARE AT THE TABLE EATING BREAKFAST.

RED:

(looking around) Something's different. There's no whining, no smart-mouthed comments, no bad "Star Wars" jokes. (with a sarcastic smile) I know what it is, Eric's not here.

KITTY:

He's at the store already. He said he had some paperwork to do. Red, I'm worried about him. He's been working so hard.

RED:

Kitty, he's not working hard. He's probably just going in early to play with all his toys.

JACKIE AND HYDE ENTER THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR. KITTY STANDS TO GREET THEM.

KITTY:

(to Hyde) Well hello there, Daddy. (she gives Hyde a kiss on the cheek) Hello, Mommy. (gives Jackie a kiss and then leans down to talk into her stomach) Hello, baby. Do you want some breakfast?

HYDE:

Mrs. Forman, you do know he's not actually going to answer back right?

KITTY:

(frowning at Hyde) You're no fun. (leans back down to talk into Jackie's bump) Daddy's a party pooper.

RED:

(irritated) Kitty, please stop yelling into the girl's stomach. It's not cute, it's just weird.

KITTY:

(to Hyde and Jackie) So, what are you two up to today?

JACKIE SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE AND KITTY GETS HER A PLATE. THEN KITTY SITS BACK DOWN.

JACKIE:

I've got my 20 week check-up. (she starts loading up her plate with food)

HYDE SITS DOWN NEXT TO JACKIE.

HYDE:

(with a grin) Yep. Half-way there. Half-way done.

RED:

(chuckles) Yeah, half-way to having a kid. (he smiles at Hyde) Not so excited now are you, son?

JACKIE:

Mrs. Forman, do you think you could go with me to my doctor's appointment? Steven's dad needs him in Milwaukee for the day.

KITTY:

Well sure, sweetie. Who's your doctor?

JACKIE:

Dr. Fontana.

RED:

(sighing in irritation) Here we go.

KITTY:

(giggles like a nervous school girl) Dr Fontana? I _love_ Dr. Fontana.

JACKIE:

(she smiles) I know, I'm really lucky to have gotten in with him. He's the most popular obstetrician in Point Place.

KITTY:

Point Place? Oh, honey, he's the most popular OB in Wisconsin. I mean have you _seen_ the man?

HYDE:

(raising his eyebrow) I've seen him. What's the big deal?

JACKIE AND KITTY BOTH LOOK AT HYDE AND START LAUGHING. A CONFUSED HYDE LOOKS AT RED.

RED:

I had to go to countless, stupid hospital events just so Kitty could drool over this guy.

KITTY:

I was not drooling over him. (a beat) I was watching him dance.

JACKIE:

(excitedly to Kitty) Oh my God, he dances?

KITTY:

(with a dreamy look) Better than Fred Astaire.

RED:

So the guy can dance. Big deal. I can kill people but you don't see me doing _that_ at parties do you?

HYDE:

I can dance.

KITTY:

(to Hyde) Are _you_ Italian?

HYDE:

No.

KITTY:

(with a shrug and a smile) Well then it's not really the same, is it?

RED:

It's the Italian thing. Ever since that damn Sonny Corleone. Throw a couple of vowels into a guy's name and women go crazy.

HYDE:

(to Jackie) I don't think I want you going to a lady-parts doctor that you think is good looking.

JACKIE:

(matter-of-factly) Steven, as soon as you grow a uterus you can choose my lady-parts doctor.

HYDE:

(smiles uncomfortably) Ok, then. Have a good check-up, doll.

HE GIVES JACKIE A KISS GOOD-BYE AND HEADS OUT.

KITTY:

What time is your appointment, Jackie?

JACKIE:

In two hours.

KITTY:

Two hours, well I've got to go get ready. (a little crazed to Jackie) Next time give me a little more warning, please.

KITTY EXITS INTO THE LIVING ROOM AND RED JUST SHAKES HIS HEAD.

END SCENE

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. THE FORCE. A SHORT WHILE LATER. THERE ARE A FEW CUSTOMERS WANDERING AROUND. KELSO AND FEZ ARE SITTING ON STOOLS BEHIND ERIC'S REGISTER. THEY ARE EACH READING A DIRTY MAGAZINE. ERIC CROSSES TO THEM.

ERIC:

Ok. I've hung the help wanted sign. Now I just have to wait for the applicants to start pouring in.

KELSO:

Eric, try and hire a hot chick with a big rack.

ERIC:

Kelso, I'm going to hire the most qualified applicant. (a beat) And if that person happens to be a foxy babe well then I guess we'll just have to live with that.

KELSO:

Why don't you just do what Hyde does when he can't be at the record store.

ERIC:

What's that? Sucker one of us into working for him?

FEZ LOOKS UP FROM HIS MAGAZINE AND THEN NERVOUSLY SETS IT DOWN ON THE COUNTER.

FEZ:

Um, excuse me. I forgot I'm supposed to be somewhere right now.

FEZ QUICKLY RUNS TO THE DOOR BETWEEN THE TWO STORES AND HEADS INTO GROOVES.

ERIC:

(pointing at Fez) That's why I'm hiring someone.

KELSO:

(suddenly getting excited) Hey, do your employees get a discount?

ERIC:

(he shrugs) I guess so. I hadn't really thought about it.

KELSO:

So, say somebody worked for you, could they get all the dirty magazines they wanted for free?

ERIC:

(staring at Kelso) I'm not hiring you, Kelso.

KELSO:

Oh come on! If I'm good enough to patrol your streets why am I not good enough to patrol your store?

ERIC:

Because the streets of Point Place aren't littered with Playboys and Penthouse.

KELSO:

(with a perverted smile) I'd never leave the streets if they were.

FEZ POPS HIS HEAD THROUGH THE DOOR BETWEEN THE STORES.

FEZ:

(glaring at Kelso and Eric) If either of you two sons of two bitches is planning on telling Hyde that I opened his store two hours late just remember this; while your people sleep at night my people are out in the jungle hunting their prey.

FEZ DISAPPEARS BACK INTO HYDE'S STORE.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY. THAT AFTERNOON. JACKIE COMES OUT FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE AND DONNA AND LAURIE STROLL UP THE DRIVEWAY.

DONNA:

Hey Jackie, Laurie and I are going to the mall you wanna come?

LAURIE:

Yeah, we're getting Fez and Eric some new cologne. Something that's a little less offensive.

JACKIE:

(smiling) Steven doesn't need cologne. He smells good naturally.

DONNA:

Jackie, that smell isn't natural, it's illegal.

KITTY COMES OUT FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE. SHE IS ALL DRESSED UP.

LAURIE:

Wow, Mom. Look at you. (with a spacey smile) Are you guys going out for Happy Hour?

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes at Laurie) No. I have to go to the doctor's.

KITTY:

(giggling) We're going to see Dr. Fontana.

LAURIE:

(excitedly) Oh my God, forget Fez's cologne. I'm going with you guys.

DONNA:

(smiling) Ah, Dr. Fontana. Making women in stirrups smile for twenty years. (to Kitty) You know, he's a good friend of my dad's.

KITTY:

Really? I never knew that. I wouldn't think he and Bob would have much in common.

DONNA:

(she shrugs) Oh they don't really. But they're, like, the only two Italian guys in Point Place so they're pretty tight. Can I come too?

JACKIE:

(shaking her head) No way, Donna. The last time you came with me to see Dr. Fontana you giggled like an idiot the whole time. It was so embarrassing.

DONNA:

Oh please, I wasn't giggling at him I was giggling at you in that hideous hospital gown.

KITTY:

(to Jackie) Now how come Donna's been to a check-up with you and this is the first time you've asked me?

JACKIE:

She had to come with me to the first visit just in case Steven passed out. She's the only person I know that's strong enough to catch him.

THE GIRLS PILE INTO THE CAR

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. THE FORCE. THAT AFTERNOON. FEZ AND KELSO ARE LEANING AGAINST THE COUNTER AND ERIC IS STANDING BEHIND IT.

FEZ:

Eric, it has been hours since you put that sign up and no one has come in.

KELSO:

Yeah, maybe I should stand outside and hold the sign. (he smiles) Cause if chicks think they get to work with me they'll be running into this place.

ERIC:

Any minute now the perfect person is going to walk through that door. I can sense it. Much like Luke Skywalker could sense Obi-Wan Kenobi even after he was dead.

FEZ:

(with a perverted smile) You know, sometimes I can sense when Laurie wants to do it.

ERIC AND KELSO STARE AT FEZ LIKE HE'S INSANE. ERIC LOOKS DISGUSTED. THE FRONT DOOR TO THE STORE SLOWLY OPENS.

ERIC:

(getting excited) This is it. (doing his "Obi-Wan" voice) Here comes my new apprentice.

THE DOOR OPENS TO REVEAL MITCH.

KELSO:

(with a dopey grin) Oh sweet, it's the little guy. (quietly to Fez) Hey, gimme something to throw at him.

ERIC:

(disappointed) Dammit, he's not my new apprentice. He's just some guy that bugs the crap out of me.

MITCH STARTS TO HEAD TOWARDS THE REGISTER. HE NOTICES THE GUYS AND GIVES THEM A SNIDE SMILE.

ERIC:(cont'd)

Look guys, it's one of my Jawa action figures come to life.

ERIC LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY. FEZ AND KELSO JUST LOOK ANNOYED. ERIC LOOKS AT THEM

ERIC:(cont'd)

Come on, that was funny. (still nothing from Fez and Kelso) You know ... Jawas ... the tiny little creatures in hoods that sell droids.

KELSO:

(staring down Eric) Oh we know what Jawas are. We're just _really_ sick of the "Star Wars" jokes, man.

FEZ:

(nodding) Yes. Learn to diversify.

MITCH:

Hey, guys. Long time no see.

ERIC:

(bitterly) Not long enough, Mitch. Ten thousand light years wouldn't be enough time without you.

KELSO:

(irritated) Forman, one more "Star Wars" joke and I swear to God - I _will_ go make out with Donna.

MITCH:

(with a twisted smile) Ooh, that sounds like fun.

KELSO:

(to Mitch) I know! But Eric refuses to share.

ERIC:

Ok, ok, this has been a real treat. But I've got a store to run.

MITCH:

(frowning at Eric) Wait, this is your store?

ERIC:

Yep. It totally rocks doesn't it? (he smiles) Well, for _me_ it rocks, for you it just sucks. So, just go find whatever it is you came for, give me your money and we'll call it a day.

MITCH:

I came about this. (he holds up the "help wanted" sign)

KELSO:

(quietly to Fez) Wow. Didn't see that one coming.

FEZ:

(to Kelso) Yes. Interesting twist.

ERIC:

Are you serious? You wanna work here? (with a mocking laugh) Sorry, Mitch, but I have a height requirement and also a no botard policy so no-can-do, pal.

MITCH:

Come on, Forman. You know I'm perfect for the job. No one in this town knows more about "Star Wars" than me.

ERIC:

Whoa, those are fightin' words, buddy.

THEY QUIZ EACH OTHER VERY QUICKLY AND THEY ARE BOTH DEADLY SERIOUS.

MITCH:

Ok, what model is Luke's landspeeder?

ERIC:

(with a smug smile) An X-34. What's the name of Leia's consular starship?

MITCH:

Duh - The Tantive IV. How fast did the Millenium Falcon make the Kessel run?

ERIC:

In under 12 parsecs. What _is_ the force anyway?

MITCH:

(very dramatically) It's what gives a Jedi his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together.

ERIC:

(pauses, with a far-away look) I always get a little misty-eyed at that speech.

MITCH:

(excitedly) Yeah, me too!

KELSO:

(very annoyed) Oh my God, will you two shut up! (spastically to Eric) Just give him the job or I'll arrest you for assaulting an officer.

ERIC:

I didn't assault you.

KELSO FROGGS ERIC.

ERIC:

What the hell?

ERIC FROGGS KELSO BACK.

KELSO:

(yells at Eric) Now you did!

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 6

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE A SHORT WHILE LATER. JACKIE IS SITTING ON THE EXAMINING TABLE AND LAURIE, DONNA AND KITTY ARE SITTING ON CHAIRS BEHIND HER. THERE IS A DESK AND A STOOL FOR THE DOCTOR. THERE IS ALSO A SINK AND LOTS OF CUPBOARDS AND SOME MEDICAL INSTRUMENTS LAYING AROUND. THERE ARE LOTS OF MEDICAL POSTERS OF DEVELOPING BABIES ON THE WALLS.

DONNA:

God, Dr. Fontana's waiting room looks like the Miss America pageant. I've never seen so many women get dressed up to go through the most uncomfortable twenty minutes of their day.

LAURIE:

(to Kitty)You know I went to every one of your stupid charity balls at the hospital just so I could dance with Dr. Fontana.

KITTY:

(with a frown) Laurie, you told me you went to all those dances to help raise money for the Children's Hospital.

LAURIE:

(she shrugs and smiles) I lied.

JACKIE:

(bossy, to the girls) Ok. Listen up. Now don't act all giggly and stupid when he comes in. Try to focus on me. I'm the reason you're all here. Just keep repeating that to yourselves.

THE DOOR OPENS AND JOHN TRAVOLTA WALKS IN.

DR. FONTANA:

(with a smile) Hello, Jackie. How are you today?

CUT TO THE GIRLS. THEY ALL START GIGGLING UNCONTROLLABLY.

THE GIRLS:

(together) Hi Dr. Fontana.

HE SMILES AT THEM.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. DR FONTANA'S OFFICE.

DR. FONTANA:

(to Jackie) Well, I see you've replaced Steven with four beautiful ladies.

THEY ALL GIGGLE, KITTY THE LOUDEST OF ALL.

DR. FONTANA:(cont'd)

Hello, Kitty. How's my favorite nurse?

KITTY:

(stammering, nervously) Oh I am just ... I am so ... Hi Dr. Fontana.

DR. FONTANA:

And Laurie, how are you? Still passionate about the Children's Hospital?

LAURIE:

(nodding with fake sincerity) Of course. I hope they build one someday.

DR. FONTANA:

(a little confused) They built one last year.

LAURIE:

(with a ditzy and slightly embarrassed smile) Oh. I didn't know that. I was in Canada. Feeding starving children.

DR. FONTANA:

Donna, tell your dad we're on for golf this Saturday.

DONNA:

You know, instead of golfing why don't you come over to the house for dinner? (she smiles) You don't come over nearly enough. You should come over at least once a week. Maybe even twice.

DR. FONTANA:

(with a nod) Well, I'll just have to do that. (he turns to Jackie) So, Jackie, how have you been feeling? Any more moodiness?

JACKIE:

(with a sweet smile) A little.

DONNA:

(incredulously to Jackie) A little?

JACKIE:

(with attitude to Donna) You know, you can just go sit in the waiting room if you can't be nice.

DONNA:

(pointing at Jackie to Dr. Fontana) See what she's like. Hyde should get some sort of medal when this is all over.

JACKIE:

(bratty) Oh please, I'm the one who has to go through all the work. He should give _me_ something. (she gets excited) Ooh, like another diamond.

DR. FONTANA:

(with a smile to Jackie) How about this? When this is all done, you both get a baby.

JACKIE:

(she pauses and then smiles) Ok, that works too.

DR. FONTANA PUTS HIS STETHOSCOPE IN HIS EARS AND THEN LISTENS TO JACKIE'S BABY BUMP.

DR. FONTANA:

So, (to Jackie) I expect I'll see all of you ladies at the Hospital Benefit tomorrow night?

KITTY:

There's a benefit tomorrow?

DR. FONTANA:

(he turns to Kitty) Didn't you read the newsletter?

KITTY:

(gives him a phony smile) Of course I did.

DR. FONTANA TURNS BACK TO JACKIE AND KITTY DROPS THE ACT.

KITTY:

(guiltily to Laurie and Donna) I guess that'll teach me not to read over cocktails.

KITTY LAUGHS AND THE OTHER GIRLS JUST SHAKE THEIR HEADS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT. THE HUB. THAT NIGHT. JACKIE IS STANDING AT THE COUNTER LOOKING VERY IMPATIENT. DONNA, ERIC AND KELSO ARE SITTING AT A TABLE THEY ALL HAVE FOOD IN FRONT OF THEM.

JACKIE:

(yelling at the cook) What is taking my burger so long? Are you actually killing the cow yourself?

CUT TO DONNA, ERIC AND KELSO AT THE TABLE

DONNA:

Eric, I don't see what the big deal is? Mitch wants the job - so give it to him.

ERIC:

I can't give him the job. Did Princess Leia give away the location of the secret rebel base?

KELSO:

(shakes his head at Eric) I warned you, man. Now, I'm makin' out with Donna.

KELSO LUNGES FOR DONNA. SHE PUSHES HIM OFF OF HER.

DONNA:

(loudly) Kelso? What the hell?

KELSO:

Donna, I'm doing you a favor cause he's (indicating Eric) only gonna get weirder.

KESLO TRIES AGAIN AND DONNA PUSHES HIM AWAY BY HIS FACE.

JACKIE:

(at the counter yelling) I am pregnant and I am starving! When my husband gets here he is _so _gonna kick your ass, buddy!

KELSO LOOKS AT JACKIE AND THEN LOOKS BACK TO DONNA.

KELSO:

(nervously to Eric) We gotta find some chicks to hang out with that aren't so mean.

DONNA:

Eric, you need the help, you have to hire Mitch. (gives Eric a dirty look) Or maybe you _like_ never seeing your girlfriend?

KELSO:

(quietly to Eric) Hire Mitch, man, or I'm pretty sure Donna's gonna kill you.

JACKIE CROSSES TO THEIR TABLE. SHE SITS DOWN NEXT TO KELSO AND LEAVES AN EMPTY SEAT NEXT TO HER. SHE STARES AT KELSO'S FOOD.

JACKIE:

Michael, gimme some of your fries.

KELSO:

(like a sad little kid) But I'm really hungry.

JACKIE:

(yells) MICHAEL!

KELSO IMMEDIATELY SHOVES HIS FRIES IN FRONT OF JACKIE.

JACKIE:

(smiling sweetly) Thank you. (she looks around) Where are Fez and Laurie?

ERIC:

Fez wanted to practice his dance moves for the party tomorrow.

DONNA:

(points at Eric) Which _you_ won't be going to if you don't hire Mitch.

KELSO:

(laughing at Eric) Don't worry, man. I'll watch Donna for you.

DONNA SMACKS KELSO UPSIDE THE HEAD. KELSO GRABS HIS HEAD IN PAIN.

KELSO:

(to Donna in a pouty voice) I don't think I wanna be your friend anymore!

HYDE ENTERS. HE CROSSES OVER TO THE GANGS TABLE. JACKIE TURNS WHEN HE STARTS TO SIT.

JACKIE:

(smiles excitedly at Hyde) Hi baby. How was Milwaukee?

HYDE SITS DOWN NEXT TO JACKIE AND GIVES HER A KISS.

HYDE:

Busy. My dad wanted ...

JACKIE:

(interrupting him) Yeah, yeah, yeah, can you go beat that guy up for me? (she points to the counter)

HYDE:

(confused) Can I have some fries first? (he starts eating Jackie's fries) How was the doctor's? Did he get fresh with you?

DONNA:

(with a chuckle) Hyde, he's a gynecologist. He kind of has to get fresh.

KELSO:

What's a gynecologist?

DONNA WHISPERS IN HIS EAR.

KESLO:

(yells spastically) I WANNA DO THAT!

HYDE:

(irritated, to Kelso) Moron, you've gotta go to med school to do that.

KELSO:

(shrugs) I don't care, man. I'll read a book for that job.

JACKIE:

Steven, guess what? There's a benefit for the hospital tomorrow and we're all going.

HYDE:

(frowning) I don't think so.

DONNA:

(gives Hyde a teasing smile) Sonny Corleone's gonna be there.

HYDE:

(gives Jackie a pained smile) Sounds like fun. (Jackie claps, excitedly)

KELSO:

(with a dopey laugh) I'm _totally_ Sonny Corleone.

HYDE:

(to Kelso) Please. You're Fredo.

KELSO:

(yells indignantly) UH!

HYDE:

_I'm_ Sonny, (points to Kelso) you're Fredo, and Forman here is Michael. Only Forman's the wimpy Michael before he kills the two guys in the restaurant and goes to Italy and marries that really hot chick and then starts killing more people.

ERIC:

Wait, why am I just "wimpy Michael" how come I can't be "cool Michael" too?

HYDE:

'Cause you can't.

KELSO:

(to Hyde) Yeah, and how come you get to be Sonny?

HYDE:

(with a wicked grin) Cause I do this.

HYDE STANDS UP AND FROGGS KELSO REPEATEDLY.

KELSO:

(yelling) OW! Fine you can be Sonny just stop hitting!

JACKIE:

(whining) Steven, I'm starving.

HYDE GETS UP AND CROSSES OVER TO THE COUNTER.

HYDE:

(yelling, menacingly) Hey, buddy! If my wife's burger isn't ready in 5 seconds I'm comin' back there and putting _you_ on that grill.

ERIC:

(staring at Hyde) Oh yeah, he's definitely Sonny.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. A BALLROOM. THE NEXT NIGHT. THE SONG _"MAMBO ITALIANO"_ BY DEAN MARTIN IS PLAYING. EVERYONE IS ALL DRESSED UP, THE MEN IN SUITS, THE WOMEN IN DRESSES. KITTY IS DANCING WITH DR. FONTANA, JACKIE IS DANCING WITH HYDE AND LAURIE IS DANCING WITH FEZ. KELSO AND RED ARE SITTING AT A TABLE, THEY ARE BOTH HAVING A BEER. KELSO IS WATCHING KITTY AND DR. FONTANA DANCE.

KELSO:

(to Red) Are you just gonna let him dance with your wife all night?

RED:

Why not? I get to sit here and drink my beer and some other guy gets to listen to Kitty yap.

KELSO:

(looking at Red with admiration) Wow, you're like a genius, Red.

CUT TO KITTY AND DR. FONTANA DANCING.

DR. FONTANA:

(with a charming smile) You are quite the dancer, Kitty.

KITTY:

(with a smile) Well, I do have a natural grace. (she laughs) And I've had quite a few cocktails so that helps too.

DR. FONTANA SMILES AND TWIRLS KITTY AROUND THE DANCE FLOOR.

CUT TO FEZ AND LAURIE. FEZ IS GLARING AT DR. FONTANA.

FEZ:

(with disdain) You call that dancing? Please. I dance better than that in my sleep.

LAURIE:

(huskily) Twirl me around, Fez.

FEZ:

(in a cheesy, romantic voice) You got it, baby.

FEZ TWIRLS LAURIE ALL OVER THE DANCE FLOOR.

CUT TO HYDE AND JACKIE DANCING. JACKIE IS GAZING AT HYDE.

JACKIE:

So, (she snuggles up to his chest) did you miss me yesterday?

HYDE:

(looking down at her) Did you miss _me?_

JACKIE:

(she pulls back and gives him a pout) I asked you first.

HYDE:

Of course I missed you. (he grins) I had nowhere to put my hands.

JACKIE SMACKS HIM ON THE ARM. HYDE SMIRKS AND PULLS HER CLOSER TO HIM.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. THE FORCE. THAT NIGHT. ERIC, WEARING A SUIT, IS SITTING ON HIS STOOL BEHIND THE REGISTER. MITCH IS AT THE REGISTER STARING AT ERIC.

MITCH:

(pleading) Come on, man. Gimme the job. I've got no life and I'm Jewish - so I'll work weekends _and_ Christmas. It's a win-win for you.

ERIC:

Mitch, why would I give you a job? I can't stand you.

MITCH:

Nobody likes me. You'll get over it.

DONNA, IN A DRESS ENTERS THE STORE THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.

DONNA:

(annoyed) Eric? Come on we're gonna miss the whole party.

ERIC:

(sighing) Donna I can't go. I still haven't hired anyone.

DONNA:

(fed up) Oh for the love of God. Just hire Mitch.

MITCH:

Listen to the beautiful lady, man.

ERIC:

(irritated to Mitch) Hey, Tiny, zip the lips.

DONNA:

Fine, Eric, whatever. I'll be at the benefit. (with a teasing smile) Dancing with Dr. Fontana.

DONNA EXITS AND MITCH SMILES, TAUNTINGLY AT ERIC.

MITCH:

Dr. Fontana? Ooh, tough break buddy. He's like Sonny freaking Corleone. Kiss that red-headed goddess goodbye, Forman.

ERIC:

(with a phony smile) Congratulations, Mitch. You've got the job. (he pats Mitch on the back and tosses him the keys) Here's the keys. Lock up when you're done.

ERIC RUNS OUT OF THE STORE AFTER DONNA

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

INT. A BALLROOM. LATE THAT NIGHT. THE SONG _"LAST DANCE"_ BY DONNA SUMMER IS PLAYING. RED IS STILL SITTING AT THE TABLE. HYDE HAS JOINED HIM, HE HAS JACKIE ON HIS LAP. ERIC AND DONNA ARE DANCING. KELSO IS ALSO DANCING WITH A GOOD LOOKING GIRL. DR. FONTANA HAS TAKEN OVER THE DANCE FLOOR. HE HAS SEVERAL WOMEN GATHERED AROUND HIM WATCHING HIS DISCO ROUTINE. SUDDENLY FEZ BURSTS THROUGH THE CROWD PERFORMING HIS OWN ROUTINE. HE AND DR. FONTANA HAVE A DANCE OFF OF SORTS. KITTY AND LAURIE ARE WATCHING THEM DANCE. THEY ARE BOTH SMILING.

KITTY:

(smiling while she watches Fez dance) Now I get what you see in Fez. (Laurie nods and Kitty looks a little hot and bothered) I'm gonna go find your father.

LAURIE GIVES KITTY A BIG, DITZY SMILE.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"Just What I Needed"

Hyde and Jackie try to agree on a name for their baby and Fez gets a promotion.


	16. Just What I Needed

"Just What I Needed"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by The Cars.

I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disaster that was Season 8. This would be Episode 8-9

Thanks to everybody for their reviews!

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT. EVENING. THE SONG, _"THE GAMBLER"_ BY KENNY ROGERS IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. HYDE IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR WITH JACKIE ON HIS LAP. JACKIE IS HOLDING ONTO SOME CARDS. FEZ, LAURIE AND DONNA ARE ON THE COUCH. FEZ IS ALSO HOLDING A HAND OF CARDS. ERIC, EATING A POPSICLE, IS STANDING BEHIND THE COUCH, WATCHING THE GAME. KELSO IS SITTING IN THE LAWN CHAIR. THERE ARE CARDS ANDA PILE OF MONEY SITTING ON THE COFFEE TABLE.

HYDE:

(with a cocky grin) Well, Fez. Looks like it's just you against Jackie and I.

KELSO:

(pouting) How come you guys get to play together? That's like cheating. You're playing with two brains. The rest of us are only playing with one.

HYDE:

(smirking at Kelso) Some of you are playing with less than that.

ERIC:

(singing) _"You've got to know when to hold 'em_

_Know when to fold 'em_

_Know when to walk away_

_Know when to run"_

HYDE:

(looking at Eric with disgust) Hey, Forman. Now would be a good time to run.

JACKIE:

Steven! (hitting him on the leg) Focus. You can beat Eric up later.

KELSO:

Yeah, less yappin' more betting.

JACKIE:

Steven, I wanna buy some things for the baby's room and spending money we've won off our friends is way more fun than spending our own money.

DONNA:

(with a teasing smile) Then I hope you guys are better at playing cards than you are at using birth control.

HYDE:

(staring at Fez) Come on, Fez. What's it gonna be?

HYDE'S EXPRESSION IS BLANK, FEZ HOWEVER LOOKS VERY NERVOUS.

FEZ:

You're bluffing. You've got nothing you son of a bitch.

HYDE:

(shrugs) Whatever, man. It's your bet.

FEZ:

Fine, I bet five dollars.(throws some money in the pot)

JACKIE:

(throws a few bills in) We see your five, and (throws more money in) we'll bet you another five.

KELSO:

(with a dumb grin to Jackie and Hyde) Why don't you guys bet your kid?

HYDE:

Moron, I'm not gonna bet my kid.

KELSO:

Why not? Chicken?

FEZ:

Yes, let's make this game interesting.

LAURIE:

(with a grin) If we really wanted to make this game interesting we'd be playing _strip_ poker.

FEZ:

(sighs dreamily) I love my wife.

HYDE:

(to Fez) If we really wanted to make this game interesting you'd bet it all.

FEZ:

(nervously) What do you mean bet it all? Bet all of my money?

JACKIE:

(taunting him) What's the matter, Fez? (a beat) Chicken?

FEZ:

Jackie, _I_ am a shampoo boy, _Hyde_ runs his own store. He's like J.R. and I am the guy who brushes J.R.'s horse. I do not want to part with all of my money. Do you know how many dirty heads I had to wash to earn this money?

HYDE:

(smiling evilly at Fez) So you fold?

FEZ:

(angrily) Yes, you son of a bitch. I fold.

JACKIE:

(with a bratty smile) God, we win everything.

HYDE:

(matter-of-factly) Yep. We rock. And you guys suck.

JACKIE:

(starring at Hyde) You are so sexy. (quickly) Grab the money and let's go.

JACKIE HOPS OUT OF HYDE'S LAP AND YANKS HIM UP BY THE HAND.

HYDE:

(calling over his shoulder) Well, it's been fun robbing you all blind but I think we'll go roll around in your money now.

HYDE AND JACKIE EXIT THROUGH THE BASEMENT DOOR. EVERYONE WATCHES THEM GO.

DONNA:

(irritated) They are pure evil.

KELSO:

(angrily he points at the door) You know, Jackie was never that horny when she and I were dating. (yells spastically) I never would've dumped her if she had acted like that!

ERIC:

Hey, Fez. What'd you have man?

FEZ:

(sadly) A full house.

ERIC:

(laughing) You folded on a full house?

FEZ:

(confused) Was that wrong?

LAURIE:

(snuggling up to Fez) Cheer up, baby. Hyde probably had an awesome hand.

KELSO PICKS UP HYDE'S DISCARDED HAND AND LOOKS THROUGH IT.

KELSO:

Um, not really. He had a king, a three, a couple of sevens, a jack ...

DONNA:

(grabbing the cards from Kelso) Gimme those. Oh my God. (very annoyed) They had nothing. He knocked us all out of the game with this crappy hand.

ERIC:

(shaking his head) God, he's cool.

THEY ALL NOD, SADLY IN AGREEMENT.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT FEZ AND LAURIE'S BEDROOM. VERY EARLY THE NEXT MORNING. THEY ARE IN BED ASLEEP, BOTH WEARING NOTHING. FEZ IS TOSSING AND TURNING. FADE INTO FEZ'S DREAM.

FANTASY SCENE

"DALLAS"

HYDE IS J.R., JACKIE IS SUE ELLEN, RED IS JOCK , KITTY IS MISS ELLIE, ERIC IS BOBBY, DONNA IS PAM, KELSO IS RAY, LAURIE IS LUCY AND FEZ IS THE STABLE BOY. EVERYONE, EXCEPT FEZ AND LAURIE, IS OUT BY THE POOL FOR "COCKTAIL HOUR". JACKIE/SUE ELLEN IS STILL PREGNANT. EVERYONE IS WEARING THE APPROPRIATE "DALLAS" ATTIRE. THE GUYS ARE ALL WEARING COWBOY HATS AND EVERYONE IS SPEAKING IN A SOUTHERN DRAWL. EVERYTHING IS VERY OVER THE TOP, SOAP OPERA STYLE. THE "DALLAS" THEME SONG PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND AND THEN SLOWLY FADES OUT.

HYDE:

(with a grin) I'm so powerful and rich and evil.

JACKIE:

(downing a cocktail) I hate you, J.R.

HYDE:

(smiles at Jackie) No you don't, darlin'.

JACKIE:

(stares at him lustfully) God, you're right I don't. Kiss me.

HYDE AND JACKIE START MAKING OUT.

DONNA:

(interrupting them with syrupy sweetness) Sue Ellen, should you really be drinking like that when you're pregnant?

JACKIE AND HYDE STOP KISSING AND SHOOT DONNA AN EVIL GLARE.

JACKIE:

Pam, you are such a pain in the ass.

ERIC:

(pointing at Jackie) You can't speak that way to my wife.

HYDE:

_You_ can't speak that way to _my_ wife.

HYDE CROSSES MENACINGLY TOWARDS ERIC. KELSO ALSO HEADS TOWARDS THEM.

KELSO:

I've had it with you, J.R. (to Eric) Let's kick his ass, Bobby.

HYDE, ERIC AND KELSO START FIGHTING. THEY ARE BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF EACH OTHER.

KITTY:

(very upset) J.R., Bobby, Ray, you boys stop beating on each other. You are ruining cocktail hour. Someone's going to end up in the pool.

RED:

Stop it! Stop it or none of you gets a new oil well for your birthday.

RED BREAKS UP THE FIGHT. HYDE HEADS BACK TO JACKIE. KELSO SWAGGERS OFF ALONE AND ERIC HEADS BACK TO DONNA.

KITTY:

(looking around) Where is Lucy?

KELSO:

(throws up his arms) Don't look at me. We don't fool around anymore. Not since I found out I was her uncle.

RED OPENS THE PATIO DOORS TO REVEAL LAURIE IN THE HOUSE MAKING OUT WITH FEZ.

RED:

(furiously) Lucy?

LAURIE:

(with an innocent smile) Oh hi, Granddaddy.

KITTY:

Oh Lucy, the stable boy? How could you?

LAURIE:

(gazing at Fez) I couldn't help myself. (huskily) He looks so foxy in his tight jeans and cowboy hat.

FEZ:

It's true. These jeans make my ass look like it's carved out of marble.

RED:

(sternly) I don't care, he's the stable boy. He's not good enough for a Ewing.

KITTY:

Lucy, why can't you find a handsome, sensitive man like your Uncle Bobby? (nervously) Except _not_ your Uncle Bobby.

ERIC:

(smiling heroically at Kitty) We're hard to find, Mama.

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes at Eric) Oh please. (yelling) I need a drink.

HYDE:

(threatening Eric) See what you've done. You made Sue Ellen drink.

ERIC:

J.R., everything makes Sue Ellen drink.

HYDE PUNCHES ERIC. THEN KELSO JOINS IN THE FIGHT. THE THREE START BRAWLING AGAIN. JACKIE GOES BACK TO SWILLING HER COCKTAIL.

DONNA:

(with dramatic concern) Sue Ellen, I really don't think that's good for the baby.

EVERYONE STOPS WHAT THEY ARE DOING AND THEY ALL TURN TO DONNA.

EVERYONE:

(yelling) Oh shut up, Pam!

HYDE, KELSO AND ERIC RESUME FIGHTING. RED WATCHES THEM WITH CONTEMPT.

RED:

You three stop fighting or I get the cattle prod out.

THE THREE GUYS, STILL FIGHTING ALL FALL IN THE POOL.

KITTY:

(starts crying) Every time we have a BBQ someone falls in the pool. What's wrong with this family?

RED:

(pulling her away from Fez) Lucy, you've got to find another man. A rich man. A man from Texas. Not someone who snuck across the border _into_ Texas.

KITTY:

(quickly, through her sobs) Yes, and make sure we meet the boy because we want to make sure you're not related to him.

LAURIE:

(to Fez) Sorry, Stable Boy. It was fun. (dramatically) But I'm a Ewing. And you're just a stable boy. (The words repeat as we fade out) Just a stable boy ... just a stable boy ... just a stable boy ...

FADE BACK TO FEZ AND LAURIE IN BED. FEZ OPENS HIS EYES AND BOLTS UP IN BED.

FEZ:

(sadly) Oh how I want to be a Ewing. (he smiles) And I really want a cowboy hat.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. GROOVES. LATER THAT MORNING. THERE ARE A FEW CUSTOMERS WALKING AROUND. HYDE IS BEHIND THE COUNTER READING A MAGAZINE. THE SONG, _"SHOW ME THE WAY"_ BY PETER FRAMPTON PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. ERIC ENTERS FROM HIS STORE.

ERIC:

Hey, man. My mom just called she said Jackie and Donna are on their way over here and they have something to talk to us about. What do you think it is?

HYDE:

Well, I'm pretty sure it's not, "Steven, I'm pregnant" cause I've already heard that one.

ERIC:

(suddenly panicked) Oh my God, you don't think it, "_Eric_ I'm pregnant" do you?

HYDE:

Calm down, Erica. I'm sure they just want to sneak away with us for a little afternoon delight.

ERIC:

(excitedly) Really?

HYDE:

Well, that's probably what Jackie wants. (pats Eric on the back) I've got no idea what Donna wants.

ERIC:

(starting to freak out) Oh crap. I can't breathe. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna pass out.

HYDE:

(with a taunting chuckle) Try not to crack your head on the way down.

DONNA AND JACKIE ENTER. DONNA IS CARRYING A LARGE SHOPPING BAG.

DONNA:

Hey guys.

ERIC:

(yells frantically) Donna, tell me quickly. Like you're ripping off a band-aid.

DONNA:

(laughing at Eric) Ok, well I guess you guys have had circle time already.

JACKIE:

We went shopping.

ERIC:

(with a fist pump) YES! (he breaks into a huge smile) They went shopping! Did you hear that Hyde? Shopping!

ERIC REALIZES THEY ARE ALL STARING AT HIM LIKE HE'S CRAZY.

ERIC:(cont'd)

(quietly) Yay.

JACKIE CROSSES TO HYDE.

JACKIE:

Steven, how come you never get that excited when I go shopping?

HYDE:

(staring at Eric with disgust) Cause I'm not Forman.

DONNA:

Eric what's the matter with you?

ERIC:

I'm just so relieved you went shopping ... because ... you don't shop enough, Donna.

JACKIE:

We went to the bookstore.

HYDE:

(teasing) Why? Were you lost?

JACKIE:

(sarcastically) Ha ha. No. We bought these.

JACKIE REACHES INTO THE BAG AND PULLS OUT SOME BOOKS.

ERIC:

Please let those be romance novels.

HYDE:

(to Eric) What the hell is wrong with you?

ERIC:

(to Hyde) Hey, don't knock the romance novel, man. They are loaded with new tricks.

JACKIE:

(excitedly) They're baby name books!

HYDE:

Jackie, (he takes one of the books and stares at it in irritation) we don't need those. I think we can come up with a name on our own.

JACKIE:

(she shrugs) Ok fine. Think of a name right now.

HYDE:

Fine. (a long pause, he can't think of one) Steven.

JACKIE:

(rolls her eyes) Besides your own name.

DONNA:

(laughing at Hyde) Maybe this'll help. (she gives Hyde three books) Enjoy.

ERIC:

Hey you guys aren't naming your baby Luke, are you? Cause Luke's ours. (indicates he and Donna)

DONNA:

(to Eric) What if I don't wanna name a baby Luke?

ERIC:

(doing the "Jedi mind trick" on Donna) You want to name your baby Luke.

JACKIE:

Ok, Steven. I'll make you a deal. You can pick out a boy's name and I'll pick out a girl's name.

HYDE:

Jackie, I'm not gonna read all these books just to pick out some name you're never gonna let me have.

JACKIE:

No, I promise, you pick out a name and that'll be it. No arguments. If it's a boy we use your name and if it's a girl we use mine. The other person's name is a final decision.

HYDE:

(a little annoyed) So, by final do you mean you pout and bitch and hold your breath until you get your way.

DONNA:

(to Jackie) You hold your breath?

JACKIE:

(throws her arms up) God! One time! (putting her hands on Hyde's chest) Now remember, take this seriously because this is something you can't take back. If you pick a bad name for our baby it will make his life miserable. And I, in turn, will have to make _your_ life miserable. So keep that in mind as well.

JACKIE SMILES SWEETLY AND GIVES HYDE A QUICK KISS ON THE CHEEK. SHE AND DONNA LEAVE. HYDE LOOKS VERY IRRITATED AND ERIC IS CHUCKLING AT HIM.

ERIC:

So. Not only is Donna _not_ pregnant, but you (he points at Hyde) have to read three baby name books. Wow. What a great day.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN. A SHORT WHILE LATER. RED AND KITTY ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE HAVING LUNCH. RED IS IN HIS UNIFORM. FEZ COMES IN LOOKING VERY DEPRESSED.

KITTY:

Well hello, Fez. How's my favorite son-in-law?

FEZ:

(sitting down at the table) Miss Kitty, I am your only son-in-law.

KITTY:

(with a smile) That doesn't mean you're not my favorite. (she laughs) What's the matter, sweetie? You look a little blue.

FEZ:

(sadly) Miss Kitty, are you sorry that Laurie married a lowly, foreign shampoo boy?

RED:

Well ...

KITTY:

(interrupting Red, sternly) Is your name, "Kitty"? (Red scowls) Then zip it, mister. (she turns back to Fez) Fez, honey, of course not. We are so happy that Laurie settled down and that she's in love, (with a frown) and of course that she's not living in Canada anymore. Where you're from or what you do isn't important. (she turns to Red and gives him a warning gaze) Isn't that right, Red?

RED:

(very reluctantly) I suppose. And your job is just fine. The fact that you're foreign bothers me a lot more than the fact that you're a shampoo boy.

KITTY:

(irritated) Red, would it kill you to pay the boy a compliment?

RED:

What if it did? Then I'd be dead. And you'd have no one to fight with.

KITTY:

Red ...

RED:

(irritated) Fine. (very begrudgingly) Fez, what you do is honest work. It may be fruity, but it's still honest work and that's important.

FEZ:

Red, I need your advice. I want to ask my boss for a raise. But I'm a little scared. And since you are the scariest person I know, I need your help. I need to make more money. Someday I want to buy a house for Laurie and I. (with a far-away look) I would really like to buy Southfork.

KITTY:

That would be just fabulous. (she laughs) I would _love_ to live in Southfork. But I would kick all of those horrible Ewings out. Ooh, except Bobby. I just love Bobby.

RED:

(to Kitty) Of course you do. Bobby's a mama's boy. (points at Fez) You want a raise, you've got to think J.R., not Bobby. Bobby probably never got a raise in his life.

FEZ:

(nods) Think J.R. Got it.

RED:

(to Fez) You want to know how to get ahead in life?

FEZ:

(looks very confused) Does "get ahead" mean make more money?

RED:

Usually.

FEZ:

(smiling) Then yes. That is what I want to do.

RED:

You need to assert yourself. (firmly) You march up to your boss and you tell her, "I'm valuable dammit! And I demand a raise." You got that, Tonto?

FEZ:

(annoyed to Red) Hey, let's watch the "Tonto", buddy.

RED:

Assert yourself at work, Ali Baba. Here - I'm still in charge.

RED GRINS AND FEZ SMILES MEEKLY.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

SCENE 5

INT. DONNA'S ROOM. THAT AFTERNOON. JACKIE AND DONNA ARE SITTING ON DONNA'S BED. THEY BOTH HAVE A BABY NAME BOOK IN FRONT OF THEM. THE SONG _"SWEET BABY JAMES"_ BY JAMES TAYLOR PLAYS SOFTLY ON THE RADIO IN THE BACKGROUND.

DONNA:

I still can't believe you're letting Hyde pick out a name.

JACKIE:

Yeah , a _boy's_ name. There's no way I'm having a boy.

DONNA:

(nods in agreement) You're probably right. I bet all your female DNA ganged up on Hyde's male DNA and killed it.

JACKIE:

Donna, this is really important. A name is everything. You give a baby a bad name, (she pauses, thinking) like ... like Edith, and you've ruined her life. Cause nobody's gonna take a girl named Edith to the prom.

DONNA:

Or, give her a name like Bambi and she's pretty much gonna become a hooker.

JACKIE:

Exactly. So. (excitedly) The names I like so far are; Kelly, Sabrina and Jill.

DONNA:

Jackie, those are the names from "Charlie's Angels".

JACKIE:

Yeah, so? They're all successful, beautiful women with fabulous hair.

DONNA:

You can't name your daughter after one of those characters. That show degrades women.

JACKIE:

(with a dismissive wave) Blah, blah, blah, (sternly) keep reading, Donna. Oh, and just so you know, I like names that end with an "ee" sound.

DONNA:

Hey, (shows Jackie her book) here's one that's cute. How about Penny?

JACKIE:

(squishing up her nose) It sounds cheap. I mean I just throw pennies away. Ooh, how about Chantal? (with a smile) It's French.

DONNA:

(making a grossed-out face) How about, no way.

JACKIE:

(she goes back to her book) What about Rhiannon ooh or Crystal?

DONNA:

(staring at Jackie in disbelief) What are you, like, Stevie Nicks now?

JACKIE STARTS BOUNCING UP AND DOWN AND CLAPPING.

JACKIE:

Oh my God. I found the perfect name.

DONNA:

Well, there's bouncing involved so I already know I don't like it.

JACKIE:

(with a dreamy smile) Tiffany. It's a name _and_ a jewelry store.

DONNA:

Look, here's a list. These are the most popular names from 1978. Jennifer, Amy, Melissa, Jessica, Amanda, Lisa, Heather, Stephanie ...

JACKIE:

(interrupts her excitedly) Oh my God. I like all of those. How many names can you give a baby?

DONNA:

Jackie, you shouldn't choose any of these names because there will be ten other girls everywhere she goes that will have the same name. She'll have to go through life as Jennifer H.

JACKIE:

No she won't. She'll be, "the pretty Jennifer". Let me see the rest of that list. (grabs the book from Donna and reads) "Michelle, Kimberly, Angela, Nicole". (she smiles at Donna) See. (she points at the book) Now these names scream, "I'm popular and I'm perfect and I have a mommy that loves me because she gave me a good name". Let's pick a name off of this list.

DONNA:

Don't you want your daughter to be unique?

JACKIE:

Who wants to be unique when you can be popular.

THEY GO BACK TO THEIR BOOKS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 6

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT. THAT AFTERNOON. HYDE IS IN HIS CHAIR ERIC IS ON THE COUCH AND KELSO IS IN THE LAWN CHAIR. THEY ARE EACH READING THEIR OWN BABY NAME BOOK.

ERIC:

(sadly) So. This is what our lives have come to. Staying in on a Friday night to pick out baby names. We should be ashamed of ourselves. The only way I'm gonna feel good about myself again is if you name your kid Bandit.

HYDE:

(with disgust) The only way I'm gonna feel good about myself again is after we do this I've gotta go beat up like 10 guys.

KELSO:

(excitedly looking at his book) Hey - Michael's the number one name for guys. I am so cool.

HYDE:

Kelso, you're only named Michael because your parents have seven kids. They were starting to run out of choices.

ERIC:

(very perturbed) Hyde, just name the kid Steven and let's be done with this.

HYDE:

Forman, do you know how many times Jackie yells "Steven" in a day? The poor kid'll have whiplash.

KELSO:

Hey (pointing in the book) look, Eric's number 14.

ERIC:

Really? (grinning) Fourteen's pretty good.

KELSO:

(smugly) Yeah, it's no number one like Michael. But at least you're not number 19 like Steven.

ERIC:

Wait, Eric's 14 and Steven's 19?

KELSO:

(giving Hyde a taunting smile) Yep.

ERIC:

(a little stunned) Holy crap. (He points at Hyde) I'm cooler than you. _Eric_ is cooler than _Steven_.

HYDE:

(irritated) Lemme see that. (he grabs the book from Kelso and reads it) Hey, Luke is number 7.

ERIC:

(excitedly) Really?

ERIC LEANS IN TO LOOK AT THE BOOK AND HYDE SMASHES IT INTO HIS FACE.

HYDE:

(smiling wickedly)_ I_ am cooler than _you_.

KELSO AND HYDE LAUGH AND ERIC LOOKS PISSED.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 7

INT. THE BEAUTY PARLOR. CLOSING TIME. THAT NIGHT. LAURIE IS STANDING BEHIND TH RECEPTION DESK. FEZ WALKS UP BEHIND HER. AND LAURIE SMILES WHEN SHE SEES HIM.

LAURIE:

Let's hurry home so we can get the remote before Kelso does.

FEZ GRABS LAURIE DRAMATICALLY AND KISSES HER. LAURIE GIGGLES.

FEZ:

I am not the damn stable boy. Watch this, my lovely.

LAURIE LOOKS AT FEZ, SHE IS TOTALLY CONFUSED. FEZ CROSSES OVER TO THE BOSS, JERI. HE HAS A VERY DETERMINED AND SLIGHTLY STRANGE LOOK ON HIS FACE.

FEZ:(cont'd)

Jeri, I need to talk to you.

JERI:

(dismissivly) I know we're out of the coconut shampoo, Fez. I told you I ordered more.

FEZ:

(quickly he yells) Jeri, I am valuable, dammit, and I demand a raise! (he pauses and looks extremely nervous) Please. (he smiles timidly)

A PAUSE WHILE LAURIE STARES AT FEZ, WHO LOOKS LIKE HE MAY THROW UP. JERI LOOKS A LITTLE SHOCKED. THEN SHE SMILES AT FEZ.

JERI:

Ok.

FEZ:

(quickly) I'm sorry what was that?

JERI:

I said ok. In fact, how about a promotion?

FEZ:

(skeptically) Wait, is that like a raise but without the money?

JERI:

Fez, how would you like to be a stylist? You shampoo a client and then after they have their cut or a color, they come back to you and you'll finish their hair. You can blow-dry it, set it, tease it. It's all up to you.

FEZ:

(with a far-away look) Oh my God, that is such a powerful job.

LAURIE:

Wow Fez, you'll be like Warren Beatty in "Shampoo".

FEZ:

(serious again, to Jeri) Let's talk numbers, lady. How much does a stylist make?

JERI:

(with a smirk) Two dollars more an hour, plus more tips.

FEZ:

Well then. A stylist I shall be.

LAURIE:

(clapping) Yay Fez!

FEZ:

(with a smug grin) Yes. Yay for Fez!

LAURIE COVERS FEZ WITH KISSES. HE LOOKS LIKE THE CAT THAT ATE THE CANARY.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. THE FORMAN LIVING ROOM. LATER THAT NIGHT. RED IS IN HIS CHAIR. KITTY IS STANDING BEHIND HIM. FEZ, LAURIE AND KELSO ARE ON THE COUCH WITH ERIC AND DONNA STANDING BEHIND THEM SITTING ON THE TOP OF THE COUCH. HYDE AND JACKIE ARE AT THE PIANO BENCH. BOB AND JOANNE ARE STANDING AT THE BAR. EVERYONE, EXCEPT JACKIE OF COURSE, HAS SOME SORT OF DRINK.

KITTY:

(raising her glass) I would like to propose a toast. To Fez, the best darn shampoo boy slash stylist in Point Place.

FEZ:

(smiling) Thank you, Miss Kitty. I cannot wait to shampoo your hair and then dry it and then set it in steaming, hot rollers.

CUT TO JACKIE AND HYDE

JACKIE:

(leans in and whispers to Hyde) Sometimes, I am _amazed_ that he's straight.

HYDE:

(nods in agreement) Yep. I lost a lot of money on that one.

CUT TO THE GANG ON THE COUCH

ERIC:

Wow. Our little freaky foreign boy is growing up so fast. It seems like just yesterday we were hanging him on the coat hook by his underwear.

DONNA:

(laughing) Um, Eric, that was yesterday.

THEY ALL TURN AND STARE AT KELSO. HE THROWS UP HIS ARMS.

KELSO:

God! It was a joke, people.

FEZ:

(with an angry pout) Some joke. You ripped my baby blue BVDs you son of a bitch.

LAURIE:

(nodding sadly) Those were my favorite pair.

RED:

(very disturbed) Laurie, try to remember I can hear you. It would be a real shame if I had to kill the guest of honor.

LAURIE:

(with a spacey smile) Sorry, Daddy.

LAURIE GRABS FEZ'S HAND AND PULLS HIM AWAY TOWARDS THE BAR. KITTY CROSSES OVER TO HYDE AND JACKIE

KITTY:

So did you two pick out your names yet?

JACKIE:

_I _did. (she smiles at Hyde)

HYDE:

(with a smirk) Great, just lemme have a few more beers and then you can tell me what it is.

JACKIE ROLLS HER EYES AT HIM.

CUT TO FEZ, LAURIE, BOB AND JOANNE AT THE BAR.

BOB:

You know, Fez, a stylist is very important. You get somebody that's no good and you can have really bad hair. Fortunately, I have an amazing stylist.

JOANNE:

(nodding) Bob goes all the way to Milwaukee to have his hair done.

BOB:

(smiling) I go to one of those places that specializes in afros. I think it's worth the drive.

FEZ:

Bob, I would be honored if you would let me style your hair.

LAURIE:

(gives Bob a big, ditzy smile) And don't worry, he won't tell anyone you wear a toupee.

LAURIE CONTINUES TO SMILE, FEZ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY, BOB LOOKS FURIOUS AND JOANNE STARES AT BOB'S HAIR.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT FORMAN BASEMENT. LATE THAT NIGHT. HYDE IS IN HIS CHAIR. JACKIE IS ON THE COUCH. THEY ARE BOTH HOLDING A PIECE OF PAPER AND STARING AT EACH OTHER. DONNA AND ERIC ARE NEXT TO JACKIE ON THE COUCH. ERIC HAS HIS ARM AROUND DONNA. FEZ AND LAURIE ARE SITTING ON THE DEEP FREEZE AND KELSO IS IN THE LAWN CHAIR. EVERYONE IS WATCHING THE STARE-DOWN BETWEEN JACKIE AND HYDE

DONNA:

(quietly to Eric) I feel like Wyatt Earp at the O.K. Corral.

ERIC:

(nervously) Neither of them has a weapon right?

JACKIE:

Alright. (she holds out her hand for Hyde's piece of paper) Let me see your name.

HYDE:

You first.

JACKIE:

Fine. (quickly) Now, Steven, try and have an open mind. I spent a lot of time picking out the perfect name for our baby and I know that ...

HYDE:

(interrupting her) Jackie. Just give it to me. (she hands him the piece of paper and he looks at it then glares at her) Mandy?

ERIC, DONNA, FEZ, LAURIE AND KELSO:

(singing) _"Well you came and you gave without takin'_

_But I sent you away oh Mandy"_

THE SINGERS START LAUGHING AND HYDE LOOKS EXTREMELY ANNOYED.

HYDE:

(pointing to them) And that's exactly what people will do every time they hear her name.

JACKIE:

Mandy is a beautiful name. Just say it out loud and you'll love it. (very dramatically) Mandy Hyde. See? (she smiles at Hyde) _Now_ do you love it?

HYDE:

No. Now I hate it more. We are not naming our daughter Mandy.

THE GANG:

(singing) _"Well you kissed me and stopped me from shakin'_

_And I need you today oh Mandy"_

HYDE:

(points threateningly at them) Shut it!

ERIC:

(with mocking laughter) You know, I thought things were gonna get boring around here. But this whole pregnancy thing is turning out to be like a nine moth burn on Hyde.

FEZ:

(excitedly) Let's sing some more. We don't sing enough.

JACKIE:

No. I wanna hear Steven's choice.

HYDE:

Fine, cause _my_ name is good. I even read all those stupid books.

ERIC:

It's true. (to Donna) Oh did you know Eric means, "ruler of all"? (with a cheesy smile) It's like the most badass name.

KELSO:

(with a big, open-mouthed grin) Michael means, "who is like God". I'm like God, man. That rocks!

DONNA:

Oh yeah, well Donna means, "lady" (she points threateningly at the guys) so take that dinks.

LAURIE:

(to Fez) What does Laurie mean?

FEZ:

Sexy.

LAURIE:

(giving Fez a spacey smile) Really?

FEZ:

(with a nervous smile) Yes. Yes it does.

JACKIE:

(throwing up her arms in aggravation)Would you all just shut up!

ERIC:

(under his breath) Jackie means, "one who is mean".

JACKIE:

Steven, what did you pick?

HYDE:

Well, all the names in those books sucked. So I picked my own name. (he grins) One, I might add, that kicks ass.

JACKIE:

(impatiently) What is it?

HYDE:

Zeppelin.

JACKIE:

(horrified) Zeppelin?

DONNA:

(laughing) You might as well book the poor kid a jail cell now.

JACKIE:

She's right. None of the other kids are going to wanna play with a boy named Zeppelin.

HYDE:

Who cares? He's not gonna wanna play with other kids. He's just gonna wanna beat them up.

JACKIE:

(looks like she's going to cry) I hate it.

HYDE:

That's too bad. We agreed this would be it. And I'm not changing Zeppelin unless you change Mandy.

JACKIE:

(with an indignant gasp) Uh! (she glares at him) Never.

HYDE:

(shrugs) Fine. Zeppelin it is.

ERIC:

(in disbelief) Zeppelin Hyde?

DONNA:

(giggling) Mandy Hyde.

ERIC:

(nodding) Yeah. You guys have gotta pick different names.

JACKIE CONTINUES TO POUT AND EVERYBODY ELSE IS CHUCKLING.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT.

CIRCLE. THE SONG _"WHAT'S YOUR NAME" _BY LYNYRD SKYNYRD PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

Zeppelin? Wow, give your kid a break, Hyde. I mean, having Jackie as a mom is gonna be bad enough.

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

Forman, I'm not gonna name the kid Zeppelin. Yeah, they totally rock, but that's just mean, man. I picked the name Jake. But when she came at me with Mandy - I had to fight back.

CUT TO KELSO WHOSE FACE IS COVERED IN CHOCOLATE.

KELSO:

(with a big dopey grin, and a mouth full of oreos) I'm tellin' you, go with Michael. It's a sexy name, man. The chicks will be all over him. Look at me.

CUT TO FEZ

FEZ:

(shaking his had sadly) Oh my sad friend, the only thing you have all over you right now is Oreos. (suddenly angry) Where did you get the Oreos you son of a bitch.

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

(to Hyde) You mean, you made up Zeppelin just to get rid of Mandy?

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

Yep.

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

(smiling in amazement) Wow. How do you do it?

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

(with an evil grin) The name Hyde means, "genius"

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

JACKIE AND HYDE'S BEDROOM. HYDE IS LAYING IN BED, HIS SHIRT AND SUNGLASSES OFF. HE IS FLIPPING THROUGH ON E OF THE BABY NAME BOOKS. JACKIE COMES OUT FROM THE BATHROOM IN A NIGHTGOWN.

JACKIE:

(with a frown) Steven, I wanna change my name.

HYDE:

Thank God.

SHE CLIMBS INTO BED NEXT TO HIM AND SNUGGLES UP TO HIM.

JACKIE:

(smiling excitedly) I wanna name her Tiffany.

HYDE:

Change it back to Mandy.

JACKIE:

(with a pout) Steven, you're never going to like any of the names I choose.

HYDE:

How about this one? (he points to a name in the book Jackie leans in to see what it is) Now _this_ is a good song.

JACKIE:

(with her hand over her mouth in shock) I love that name.

HYDE:

And you like the song too, right?

JACKIE:

(with a shrug) No, not really. (smiles) But I still love the name.

HYDE:

(a little surprised) Huh. I picked a good name. (with a wicked grin) Do I get a prize?

JACKIE:

That depends. (she slips one of the straps of her nightgown off of her shoulder and smiles sexily) Are we getting rid of Zeppelin?

HYDE:

Jackie, you can't always get your way by seducing me.

JACKIE STARTS KISSING HIM DOWN HIS NECK.

JACKIE:

So. (in between kisses) Once again. Are we getting rid of Zeppelin? (she continues kissing him, heading down to his chest)

HYDE:

(anxiously) Oh hell yeah. It's gone.

HE PULLS JACKIE'S FACE TO HIM AND STARTS KISSING HER.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

FANTASY SCENE

"DALLAS"

JACKIE IS LAYING ON A CHAISE LOUNGE CHAIR HAVING A COCKTAIL. KITTY IS SITTING NEXT TO HER ALSO HAVING A DRINK. RED IS HAVING A CIGAR. HYDE, ERIC AND KELSO ARE STILL IN THE POOL FIGHTING. DONNA IS STANDING BY THE POOL WATCHING THEM FIGHT AND SOBBING. FEZ IS SITTING IN A CHAIR WITH LAURIE ON HIS LAP.

LAURIE:

(playing with the brim of Fez's cowboy hat) Wow, who knew our lowly stable boy was really a rich, mysterious cowboy with more money than the entire Ewing family.

FEZ:

(smiling smugly) Yes. It's true. I am powerful.

RED:

(yelling at Hyde, Eric and Kelso) You three get out of that pool or I'm getting the shotgun.

JACKIE:

(hollers in irritation) Will someone please get me another drink?

FEZ:

(shaking his head) Lucy, my lovely, your family has issues.

FEZ AND LAURIE START MAKING OUT.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"The Boys Are Back In Town"

When Jackie has to crown the new Homecoming Queen the gang heads back to their old high school to watch the game. And the guys try to come up with one final ultimate prank.


	17. The Boys Are Back In Town

"The Boys Are Back In Town"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Thin Lizzy.

I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disaster that was Season 8. This would be Episode 8-10.

As always, thanks for the reviews! I really appreciate them!

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN. LATE MORNING. KITTY IS AT THE COUNTER FROSTING SOME CUPCAKES AND RED IS AT THE TABLE READING THE PAPER. ERIC COMES IN FROM THE LIVING ROOM. HE IS WEARING ONLY A TEE SHIRT AND BOXERS.

RED:

(looks up from his paper angrily) Oh for God's sake, it's almost noon. Put some pants on.

ERIC:

Dad, it's my day off. I might not wear pants at all today.

RED:

(very sarcastically) Well that sounds great. It's my day off, too. I think I'll just walk around naked.

ERIC:

(uncomfortably) Please ... don't ... I'll put pants on.

KITTY:

Eric, I want you and your father to rake up the leaves today.

ERIC:

(whiny) Mom, it's my day off.

KITTY:

(with a smile) Well, the trees don't know that so get dressed, mister.

JACKIE AND HYDE ENTER THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR. THEY BOTH STARE AT ERIC IN HIS UNDERWEAR.

HYDE:

(disgusted) Forman, put some pants on nobody wants to see that. Except maybe Donna, I guess.

ERIC:

(smiles and nods) Oh yeah, Donna loves all this good stuff. (gesturing all over himself)

ERIC SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE.

JACKIE:

Steven, (patting him on the arm) tell them our good news.

HYDE:

Jackie, it's not _my_ good news. It's yours. And I've gotta tell you, doll, it's not that good.

HYDE SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE AND PULLS JACKIE DOWN ONTO HIS LAP.

ERIC:

(smirking at Hyde) Oh I don't know about that. Jackie looks all happy and peppy and you look all angry and irritated. Feels like good news to me.

JACKIE:

(excitedly) Remember when I was Homecoming Queen last year?

HYDE:

How could anybody forget? You took out an ad in the newspaper.

ERIC:

You wrote it in lipstick on all of the mirrors.

RED:

You spray painted it on the sidewalk.

HYDE:

(he grins at Jackie) Yeah, I was actually kind of proud of her for that one.

KITTY:

(turns to Jackie and smiles dreamily) I remember when I was Homecoming Queen. I loved my sparkly crown.

JACKIE GETS UP AND CROSSES TO KITTY AT THE COUNTER. SHE GRABS A SPOON AND STARTS EATING THE FROSTING FROM KITTY'S BOWL.

JACKIE:

(getting excited) Oh, the crown. I _loved_ the crown.

KITTY:

(nodding) And the velvet cape.

JACKIE:

Isn't the cape the best?

KITTY:

And of course the sash.

JACKIE:

That was my favorite part. Do you still have yours?

KITTY:

I sure do.

JACKIE:

(clapping) So do I. Let's wear them today.

KITTY:

Ooh, that sounds fun. We can wear them while we frost cupcakes. (she laughs)

JACKIE:

Ok. But I can't get mine dirty because I have to wear it on Friday.

ERIC:

(to Hyde) What's Friday?

HYDE:

(sarcastically) That's her good news.

JACKIE CROSSES BACK TO THE TABLE AND SITS BACK DOWN ON HYDE'S LAP, STILL EATING HER SPOONFUL OF FROSTING.

JACKIE:

See, last year's Queen gets to crown the new Queen. So, we're all going to the game on Friday.

KITTY:

Well that sounds like fun doesn't it, Red?

RED:

(looking up from his paper in irritation) Not really. But somebody's bound to get injured so I'll go.

JACKIE:

(with a beaming smile) I can't believe I get to go to Homecoming with a sexy husband, a huge diamond and pregnant. It's just like I always dreamed.

ERIC:

Really? God, when I dream about high school I'm in my underwear and I forgot my homework.

HYDE:

(to Eric) Yeah, that dream sucks. (smiling) You know what dream I like? The one where I'm locked in the girls locker room with the gymnastics team.

JACKIE HITS HIM AND THEN POINTS AT HIM THREATENINGLY.

JACKIE:

Don't test me today, Steven. I've got so many hormones in my body right now I'll rip you to shreds.

ERIC:

(sarcastically to Jackie) Now that doesn't sound like Homecoming Queen talk.

JACKIE:

(giving Eric a warning look) I'll get you when I've finished with him.

ERIC:

(nervously stands up) Ok. I'm gonna go rake now.

ERIC EXITS THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR. EVERYBODY WATCHES HIM. A FEW SECONDS PASS AND HE HEADS BACK IN.

ERIC:(cont'd)

(quickly) Yeah. I forgot I don't have any pants on.

ERIC HEADS THROUGH THE KITCHEN AND INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

RED:

(shaking his head in irritation) Dumbass.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

EXT. FORMAN SIDE YARD. LATER THAT AFTERNOON. THERE IS A GIANT PILE OF LEAVES ON THE GRASS. ERIC IS RAKING AND DONNA ALSO HAS A RAKE. SHE SETS HER RAKE DOWN ON THE GRASS. THEN SHE JOINS LAURIE ON THE PORCH. ERIC LOOKS EXTREMELY IRRITATED.

ERIC:

Leaves suck. (sarcastically he yells towards the porch) Thanks for all your help, Laurie.

LAURIE:

(with a shrug) Sure.

ERIC CROSSES OVER TO THE PORCH TO LAURIE AND DONNA.

ERIC:

(annoyed) You didn't do _anything_!

LAURIE:

I got you a lemonade.

DONNA:

_I_ got him a lemonade.

LAURIE:

Oh yeah. (with a spacey smile) Then I guess I didn't do anything.

OUT OF NOWHERE KELSO COMES RUNNING SPASTICALLY UP THE DRIVEWAY, INTO THE YARD AND THEN HE JUMPS INTO THE PILE OF LEAVES.

ERIC:

Kelso! What the hell? It took me two hours to rake all of those.

KELSO:

(pokes his head up through the leaves) I LOVE JUMPING IN THE LEAVES!

ERIC:

(pouting) Now I've gotta rake them all back up again so _I _can jump in them.

RED AND BOB WALK UP THE DRIVEWAY. THEY ARE EACH DRINKING A BEER.

RED:

Eric, quit messing around. Get these leaves raked up before your mother yells at me.

BOB:

(pointing at Eric and Donna) And when you two are done here you're heading over to my yard.

ERIC:

Dad, I thought Mom said you were supposed to help.

RED:

(with a wicked smile) I am helping. I'm supervising. (he points at the grass) You missed a few.

BOB:

Another beer, Red?

RED:

(grins at Bob) Sounds good, Bob.

RED AND BOB EXIT INTO THE HOUSE. HYDE WALKS UP THE DRIVEWAY HOLDING FEZ BY THE SCRUFF OF THE NECK.

HYDE:

Hey Laurie, did you lose something? (he shoves Fez towards Laurie) I found him hiding in my pile of leaves.

KELSO GETS OUT OF THE LEAVES AND CROSSES TO THE GANG.

KELSO:

Aw damn, I was gonna go jump in Hyde's leaves next. (giving Fez a big, dopey grin) I would've totally squished you man.

DONNA:

(looking through the sliding door and laughing) Hey Hyde, come take a look at your wife.

EVERYONE JOINS DONNA AND LAURIE ON THE PORCH. THEY ALL LOOK THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR.

ERIC:

Oh my God. She and my mom are frosting cupcakes in crowns.

DONNA:

(laughing) They look so cute. Like two little cupcake-frosting princesses. Only one's all flipped out on hormones and one's been drinking so don't piss them off.

HYDE WALKS OFF THE PORCH INTO THE DRIVEWAY. THE OTHER GUYS FOLLOW.

HYDE:

(annoyed) Jackie's going nuts with this whole Homecoming thing. I can't believe I have to go to a high school football game. I didn't watch her win the damn crown. Why would I wanna go watch her give it to somebody else?

ERIC:

Wait, didn't you do to the game last year to watch Jackie win?

HYDE:

(smirking) I went. But I was under the bleachers drinking beer.

DONNA:

(to Hyde) Probably not a good idea to mention that to Jackie right now. Or, ever.

HYDE:

Man, if I've gotta go to this game I'm gonna have a little fun. We should do something.

FEZ:

(with a smile) Something naughty.

KELSO:

Something that could get us into a lot of trouble. _A lot_ a lot.

DONNA:

Ok, I can see where this is leading. It's a one-way ticket to Stupidville. (she points at the guys) Population: four. I'm gonna go join the Frosting Queens. Laurie, you coming?

LAURIE:

Sure. (she shrugs) I guess I could go get my Homecoming Queen crown on, too.

DONNA:

Am I the only girl here who wasn't Homecoming Queen?

LAURIE:

(nodding) Looks that way, yeah.

DONNA AND LAURIE HEAD INSIDE.

FEZ:

(excitedly) So, what should we do?

KELSO:

Yeah, let's make it good. The ultimate prank.

ERIC:

(looking around nervously) Shhh ... not here. Even the leaves have ears.

HYDE:

Let's go somewhere safe, somewhere peaceful.

CUT TO FORMAN BASEMENT. THE SONG _"BRAIN DAMAGE" _BY PINK FLOYD PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

THE CIRCLE

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

I feel peaceful.

CUT TO FEZ

FEZ:

I feel hungry. I can smell the delicious chocolate cupcakes. (frantically) They are driving me insane.

CUT TO KELSO

KELSO:

(with a big open-mouthed smile) What if we could build a teleporter like on "Star Trek". Then we could send the cupcakes from upstairs down here so we could eat them. That would be AWESOME! I think I'm gonna build one of those.

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

(sarcastically to Kelso) Yeah, you get started on that. The rest of us are gonna think up a prank. (to all the guys) Ok, the perfect prank has three important stages. Stage one - planning. Which is what we're doing right now, and we should probably be writing this down 'cause we're never gonna remember the planning stage.

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

(to Hyde) Can we make up for the planning stage if the other two stages are really strong?

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

(nods) Good thinking. So, stage two - the set up. That's the part where we do the boring stuff that's gonna lead to the good stuff.

CUT TO FEZ

FEZ:

Oh, so it is like foreplay?

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

Exactly. Stage three - that's the execution. That's where we shine. And in order for a prank to work there has to be total and complete secrecy. So, no telling anyone, (he points at the guys) especially Jackie. If she finds out we're planning a prank that might interfere with her little crown exchange she will destroy all of us.

CUT TO KELSO

KELSO:

(to Hyde) Man, what happened to you? You used to be a tough guy. Now you're afraid of Jackie? (doing a "Hyde" imitation) Ooh, I'm Hyde I'm afraid of my wife.

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

Damn right I'm afraid of Jackie. You should be too. If she finds out about this she won't be satisfied with murdering just me. She's gonna want all of you.

CUT TO FEZ

FEZ:

We should carry food on us just in case she finds out. Then we can distract her with pizza while we get away.

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

So, what are we gonna do? It has to be something awesome. Something that will go down in history.

CUT TO KELSO

KELSO:

(quickly) Whatever it is, it can't involve super glue. My skin hasn't grown back yet from our last prank.

CUT TO FEZ

FEZ:

Yes, and it cannot involve the threat of injury to the little men in my pants. I finally need mine.

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

What's at a football game that we can mess with? (with a cheesy smile) Honey in the helmets? That would be a sticky mess. _Or_ sneezing powder in the cheerleaders pom-poms. That would be hil-_ar_-ious.

CUT TO HYDE WHO IS STARING AT ERIC AND SHAKING HIS HEAD IN ANGER AND DISGUST.

CUT TO KELSO

KELSO:

(to Eric) Man, as soon as I regain all the feeling in my arms, I'm kicking your butt. We did those things in fifth grade, Eric. We're adults now and we've got to think of an adult way to embarrass and humiliate people while still avoiding getting caught.

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

(pouting) Fine. Hyde you're supposed to be an evil genius, why don't you come up with something.

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

(smiling evilly) I've got a little something stored away in case of emergencies. I read about this awesome prank at the Rose Bowl one year.

CUT TO FEZ

ERIC:

You read?

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

(shrugs) It was in Rolling Stone.

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

Ah well, that makes sense.

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

Ok, first, somebody's gonna need to make friends with one of the cheerleaders.

CUT TO KELSO

KELSO:

I'LL DO THAT PART!

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

Hey, Kelso, just one thing.

CUT TO KELSO

KELSO:

What?

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

An _eighteen_ year old cheerleader.

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

(nods in agreement) Yeah, that's good advice, man. Cops don't do well in prison.

END SCENE

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT FORMAN KITCHEN. A SHORT WHILE LATER. KITTY, JACKIE AND DONNA ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE. KITTY AND JACKIE ARE WEARING CROWNS.

JACKIE:

(smiling) This is so much fun. I'm gonna wear my crown everyday now.

DONNA:

(irritated) I want a crown. Don't any of you guys carry a spare?

KITTY:

(to Donna) I can make you one out of tinfoil.

DONNA:

(with a pout) I want a crown I had to earn by beating out other bitchy girls to get it.

LAURIE ENTERS FROM THE LIVING ROOM. SHE IS ALSO WEARING HER CROWN.

LAURIE:

Ok, the margaritas are ready.

KITTY:

(to Donna) Last chance for a tinfoil crown.

THE GIRLS ALL STAND UP AND HEAD TOWARDS THE LIVING ROOM.

DONNA:

I don't want a tinfoil crown.

JACKIE:

(snaps at Donna) Hey, you don't have a crown, I can't have a margarita. Learn to live with disappointment, Donna.

THE GIRLS EXIT INTO THE LIVING ROOM AND THE GUYS COME UP FROM THE BASEMENT. THEY IMMEDIATELY HEAD TO THE CUPCAKES SITTING ON THE COUNTER. THEY START DEVOURING THEM.

FEZ:

Oh how I love the cupcake.

KELSO:

(talking with his mouth full, crumbs flying) They're like cakes for midgets.

HYDE:

I bet I can fit two in my mouth at the same time.

ERIC:

I'll accept that challenge.

KELSO:

Just two? I can do three no problem.

FEZ:

I will sit this one out due to my strong gag reflex.

ERIC:

(with a smile) Yeah, we'd appreciate that, buddy.

ERIC AND HYDE UNWRAP TWO CUPCAKES AND SHOVE THEM BOTH IN THEIR MOUTHS. KELSO DOES THE SAME WITH THREE CUPCAKES. FEZ CONTINUES TO EAT CUPCAKES AS WELL. SOON, THE PLATE IS EMPTY AND THERE ARE CUPCAKE WRAPPERS ALL OVER THE COUNTER. DONNA ENTERS THE KITCHEN FROM THE LIVING ROOM

DONNA:

(calling over her shoulder into the living room) Calm down, Jackie. I'm getting the cupcakes.

DONNA TURNS AND SEES THE GUYS, WHOSE FACES ARE COVERED IN CHOCOLATE. ALL THAT'S LEFT ON THE COUNTER IS AN EMPTY PLATE COVERED IN CUPCAKE WRAPPERS.

DONNA:(cont'd)

Hungry?

KELSO:

(smiling) Well, we were. But then we ate all these cupcakes so now we're good.

DONNA:

You ate them _all_? (panicking) I can't go back in there with no cupcakes. Jackie will kill me.

FEZ:

(holds up a wrapper) She can lick the wrappers. There is still some frosting on the edges.

HYDE:

That won't be enough. Fez gimme all your candy.

FEZ:

(nervously) What candy? I have no candy.

HYDE:

(menacingly) I know you're holding, man. Give it to me. Give it to me or I tell Jackie _you_ ate the cupcakes.

FEZ:

You wouldn't.

HYDE:

(smirking) Oh, but I would.

ERIC:

(to Fez) You better do it, man. I wouldn't mess with a hormonal Jackie. A normal Jackie is terrifying.

DONNA:

Hurry up, she's gonna come looking for me. (she points at the guys) And I'm not taking the fall for you morons.

FEZ:

Fine. (Pulls some M&Ms out of his pocket and looks at them sadly) I am sorry my little candy coated friends.

FEZ HANDS HYDE THE M&MS.

HYDE:

Alright, this should be enough to hold her off. Candy makes the baby kick like crazy. So, Jackie should spend the next 15 minutes with a totally hopped-up baby going nuts inside her.

KELSO:

Holy crap. (he chuckles) That's cool. I wonder what it feels like to be kicked from the inside?

HYDE:

I can kick you from the outside if you want.

KELSO:

That's ok. (frowning) I know what that feels like.

DONNA:

This better work, Hyde. Or I'm coming back for you.

DONNA GRABS THE CANDY FROM HYDE AND EXITS BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

FEZ:

(angrily) Now we have nothing to eat. No cupcakes. No M&Ms. NOTHING!

ERIC:

Hey, we could go over to Donna's. It's Tuesday. Joanne always makes Rice Krispie bars on Tuesday.

KELSO:

Thank God for chicks or we might actually have to learn how to cook. Let's go!

THE GUYS ALL HEAD OUT THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT. A FEW DAYS LATER. HYDE IS ON THE COUCH PAINTING SOMETHING ON A SQUARE OF WHITE POSTERBOARD. FEZ AND ERIC ARE STANDING AT THE DEEP FREEZE, THEY ARE ALSO PAINTING. THERE ARE SQUARES OF WHITE POSTERBOARD EVERYWHERE WITH DIFFERENT IMAGES PAINTED ON THEM IN GREEN PAINT. KITTY COMES DOWN STAIRS WITH A BASKET OF LAUNDRY. SHE STARES AT THE GUYS. THEY LOOK AT HER NERVOUSLY.

KITTY:

(setting down her laundry in front of the machine) What are you boys doing?

ERIC:

Uh ...

HYDE:

Um ...

FEZ:

(quickly) We're painting.

ERIC:

(sarcastically to Fez) Nice cover, man.

KITTY:

(excitedly) Oh my gosh, you're doing crafts.

HYDE:

(laughs fakely) Yep, you got it! We're doing crafts.

FEZ:

Lots of crafts.

ERIC:

Next, we're gonna try needlepoint.

KITTY:

Oh Eric, you will be so good at needlepoint. You've got such thin, nimble fingers.

THE GUYS ALL START TO LAUGH. AND KITTY HEADS BACK UPSTAIRS.

HYDE:

(to Eric) Man, I love it when your mom burns you.

KELSO ENTERS THROUGH THE BASEMENT DOOR. THE GUYS ALL TURN TO LISTEN TO HIM.

KELSO:

Ok. We're all set. I hooked up with Diane Wright and she gave me a copy of the cheerleaders flip card instructions for the fans, so we can make a fake one. And she said they're putting the cards out at 7:00 so we've gotta sneak into the stadium tonight and replace their cards with ours.

ERIC:

How'd you get her to tell you all of this.

KELSO:

(smiling) My lips are magic, man. Chicks are like putty in my hands after making out with me.

HYDE:

Yeah they'll tell you anything just to get you to go away.

FEZ:

(staring at Eric's painting) Eric, your artwork is beautiful. Miss Kitty was right, you do have nimble fingers. Donna is a lucky girl. Not as lucky as my Laurie, but still lucky.

THE GUYS ALL STARE DISGUSTEDLY AT FEZ

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. DONNA'S BEDROOM. THAT NIGHT AT THE SAME TIME. DONNA IS PUTTING AWAY SOME CLOTHES AND JACKIE ENTERS THE ROOM WEARING HER CROWN AND CARRYING A PRESENT.

DONNA:

(giggles when she sees Jackie is wearing her crown) Hey, your majesty. (smiling) Oh, guess what I just found out?

JACKIE:

That those brown shoes you wear are totally wrong for you?

DONNA:

No. (a beat) And they are not. The radio station is broadcasting the Homecoming Game tomorrow night and they want me to be the announcer. (excitedly) Hot Donna does sports. I'm moving up in the world.

JACKIE:

Well then, we have to celebrate! (she hold out the present) Here, I got you a present.

DONNA:

Wow, that's so sweet of you. (she starts to open the present and then hesitates) Wait, is something gonna jump out at me?

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes) Open it you amazon.

DONNA OPENS THE PRESENT AND PULLS OUT A CROWN. SHE JUST STARES AT IT.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

(excitedly) It's your _own_ crown.

DONNA:

(staring at Jackie in shock) I can't believe you bought me a crown. Where in the hell do you go to buy a crown?

JACKIE:

I have my secrets.

DONNA:

(sincerely) Thanks, Jackie.

JACKIE:

I'm just glad you finally wanted to wear something girly. Now let's talk about the flannel. Donna, it's gotta go.

DONNA:

One thing at a time.

JACKIE:

Can I tell you a secret?

DONNA:

That's ok, Jackie. I don't really need to know where you got the crown.

JACKIE:

No, not that. (she pauses) I'm nervous about tomorrow.

DONNA:

What are you talking about? You live for stuff like this. You're the center of attention, you're wearing a crown, add in a little fooling around with Hyde and I'm pretty sure that's your ideal day.

JACKIE:

(with a smile) I want everything to go perfectly. I 've been planning my speech since I won last year. Donna, you have to promise me something.

DONNA:

Jackie, I'm not wearing the crown tomorrow. I'm Hot Donna not Crazy Donna.

JACKIE:

Just promise me you'll make sure Steven watches me give my speech. He didn't watch me win last year so I really want him to see this.

DONNA:

(nervously) What are you talking about? Hyde was there last year.

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes) Donna, please. I know he was under the bleachers. Steven was way to agreeable that night to have been sober.

DONNA PUTS ON HER CROWN AND SHE AND JACKIE LOOK AT THEMSELVES IN THE MIRROR.

DONNA:

(surprised) Hey we look pretty cute.

JACKIE:

Cute? We look freaking gorgeous. Crowns are the best.

JACKIE SIGHS DREAMILY AND STRAIGHTENS HER CROWN. DONNA JUST LAUGHS.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. POINT PLACE HIGH SCHOOL GYM. THE NEXT NIGHT. THERE ARE LOTS OF PEOPLE WANDERING AROUND. HYDE ENTERS HOLDING JACKIE'S HAND. SHE IS WEARING A SASH THE READS "HOMECOMING QUEEN 1978" AND SHE ALSO HAS HER CROWN ON.

HYDE:

(irritated) Jackie, do you have to wear the crown?

JACKIE:

Of course I do, otherwise how will people know I was the Homecoming Queen last year?

HYDE:

(sarcastically) They could just read the sash you're wearing.

JACKIE:

Steven, stop teasing. This is really important to me. (with a snobby smile) I wanna look pretty, give a nice speech, and rub my perfect life into everybody's face. (patting Hyde on the chest) So straighten up and take those sunglasses off so all the girls can get a good look at my husband's sexy eyes.

HYDE:

(grinning) You think my eyes are sexy?

JACKIE:

From what I remember of them they are. (she takes off his sunglasses) Yep. They are.

HYDE:

(seductively)You know I've got other parts that are sexier if you're interested in seeing them too.

JACKIE SMILES AND HYDE PULLS HER IN FOR A KISS. THEY ARE INTERRUPTED BY A GIRL CALLING OUT TO JACKIE.

KAREN:

Jackie? Is that you?

HYDE:

(quietly to Jackie) Hey, isn't that the chick that did it with Kelso in the dressing room at Price Mart.

JACKIE:

(annoyed) Oh crap, it's Karen Kenner. I hate that girl. (she smiles excitedly) Let's go talk to her.

HYDE:

Why do you wanna talk to somebody you hate?

JACKIE:

Because, I have a fabulous life and a gorgeous husband and she's just some skanky high school girl who was always jealous of me.

HYDE AND JACKIE CROSS TO KAREN.

KAREN:

(very snotty) Jackie? Oh my God, you're so big.

JACKIE:

(smiling) Yeah well, that tends to happen when you're pregnant..

KAREN:

(with bitchy sweetness) You're pregnant? Oh, I thought you just got fat. Silly me. Well, accidents do happen. That's why I'm waiting until after I get married to have sex.

HYDE:

(with a smirk) That's funny, that's not what Kelso said.

JACKIE:

Karen, I _am_ married. See, sexy husband, huge ring. And I didn't get married because I was pregnant. I got married first, then I got pregnant.

KAREN:

(snidely) Of course you did. Whatever you want to tell people is fine with me.

JACKIE:

(sarcastically) Well, Karen, I would love to sit here and talk to you about how I know that you like to do it in discount stores, but, I can't. I have things to do. Remember, I won last year so I get to crown the new Queen.

KAREN:

I know. (she smiles) I'm the new Queen. Well, it's not official yet. But since I'm on the committee that counted the votes, I know who the winners are.

HYDE:

Huh. So you counted the votes and you won. Funny how that worked out.

KAREN:

(patting Jackie on the arm) Oh, and we've made a few changes to the coronation ceremony this year. First of all, there's no speech.

JACKIE:

(stunned) What do you mean there's no speech? The reigning Queen always gets to make a speech.

KAREN:

(very bitchy) Not any more. Also, you don't get to keep your crown. You're giving it to me.

JACKIE:

Oh I don't think so. I am keeping my crown.

KAREN:

We had to make some cuts in the budget this year and unfortunately we just don't have the money to buy a new crown. You understand don't you? (smiling at Jackie) A _good _Homecoming Queen would understand.

JACKIE:

(goes Zen) Whatever.

KAREN:

Thanks so much. (she turns to leave and then turns back around) Oh, and thanks for coming. I know if I was as big as you I'd be too embarrassed to show my face.

KAREN EXITS. JACKIE GLARES AT HER AS SHE GOES.

HYDE:

(pissed) Jackie, I can't hit a girl but I can go find Donna to do it if you want me to.

JACKIE:

(so mad she can't even speak) That ... that ... (she pauses and looks at Hyde) Steven cover up the baby's ears.

HYDE:

(holding up his hands in confusion) How am I supposed to know where his ears are?

JACKIE:

(yells a little spastically) I don't know just guess!

HYDE PROCEEDS TO PUT ONE HAND ON EACH SIDE OF THE BABY.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

THAT BITCH! (to Hyde) Ok, I'm done now.

HYDE REMOVES HIS HANDS FROM THE BABY AND GRINS AT JACKIE WHILE SHE PACES FURIOUSLY.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

I can't believe I have to give my beautiful crown to that skank. She's gonna be sorry she pissed off a pregnant woman. I'm gonna get her. (to Hyde) What's the prank you're planning?

HYDE:

(nervously) What prank? There's no prank.

JACKIE:

Steven, I know you're planning a prank.

HYDE:

How do you know that?

JACKIE:

I know everything you do. Nothing gets by me. (she smacks him on the chest) So keep that in mind, buddy.

HYDE:

It was Forman's idea.

JACKIE:

Look, I don't care whose idea it was, I just wanna know one thing. Is it good?

HYDE:

Excuse me?

JACKIE:

(with an evil smile) Is it good? I mean, are people gonna be humiliated?

HYDE:

Well, we were kind of going for humor more than humiliation.

JACKIE:

Pfft. Amateurs. If _I_ had been planning this prank, it would be humiliating.

HYDE:

So, you're telling me it's ok for me to pull a huge prank?

JACKIE:

(smiling) Not only is it ok. But I'm gonna help.

HYDE:

(he grins) Well in that case. It _was _my idea.

JACKIE:

Of course it was, baby. I know you're the brains of our group.

SHE KISSES HYDE AND HE GRABS HER HAND AND PULLS HER AWAY.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM POINT PLACE HIGH SCHOOL. A SHORT WHILE LATER. RED AND KITTY ARE SITTING IN THE BLEACHERS UNDERNEATH A BLANKET. KITTY IS GRINNING EXCITEDLY AND RED LOOKS MILDLY ANNOYED. BOB AND JOANNE ARE SITTING IN FRONT OF THEM. THEY HAVE THEIR OWN BLANKET AND THEY ARE BOTH EATING SOME POPCORN. DONNA'S VOICE CAN BE HEARD DOING THE ANNOUNCING OVER THE STADIUM'S SOUND SYSTEM AND A MARCHING BAND CAN ALSO BE HEARD.

DONNA:

(voice only over the loud speaker) Ok, Viking Fans, Hot Donna here. There's just one hour til kick-off. Immediately before that we'll have the coronation of our new Homecoming King and Queen. And don't forget to grab the flip cards and instructions under your seats for our half-time show and parade. This is gonna be a show to remember.

KITTY:

Ooh, that sounds exciting.

KITTY LAUGHS AND THEN SHE REACHES UNDER HER SEAT AND PULLS OUT A FLIP CARD AND A SHEET OF INSTRUCTIONS, THE FLIP CARD HAS GREEN PAINT ON IT.

KITTY:(cont'd)

(to Red) Last year the flip cards spelled out, "Pillage The Panthers". (looking at the card) I wonder what these say?

RED:

(cranky) I'm not holding up one of these stupid cards again.

KITTY:

You have to. Everyone has to do it or it doesn't work. Remember when Laurie was Homecoming Queen and you wouldn't hold up your flip card. (going a little crazy) The Viking was missing one of his eyes because of you Red!

BOB:

(smiling) Geez, I love high school football games. The popcorn, the soft pretzel, the nachos ...

JOANNE:

(interrupting him) Snuggling up under a blanket.

BOB:

Oh boy, I forgot about that. That's fun too. Don't you love high school football games, Red?

RED:

(very grouchy) No. They only remind me that my son never played in one.

KITTY:

I think somebody's a grumplefritz today. Time to break out the hot cocoa.

KITTY REACHES UNDER THEIR SEATS AGAIN AND GRABS A THERMOS AND SOME STYROFOAM CUPS.

RED:

Please tell me there's booze in that.

KITTY:

Of course there is. (she smiles) What's hot cocoa without a little peppermint schnapps?

BOB:

It's like a hot dog with out ketchup. (turns to Joanne and smiles) Hey Jojo, wanna go get a hot dog?

BOB AND JOANNE GET UP TO GO GET A HOT DOG AND KITTY POURS OUT TWO CUPS OF COCOA.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

EXT. POINT PLACE HIGH SCHOOL PARKING LOT. ERIC, LAURIE, FEZ AND KELSO ARE HANGING OUT BY THE CRUISER. HYDE AND JACKIE WALK UP. HYDE IS HOLDING SEVERAL CANS OF PAINT.

ERIC:

What's with the paint, man?

HYDE:

Jackie and I broke into the art room. (Jackie smiles proudly) We've had a change of plans. We're adding onto the prank.

ERIC:

(yells, panicking) HYDE! (pointing at Jackie) Jackie, I swear to God it was all Hyde's idea.

JACKIE:

It always amazes me how quickly you guys sell each other out.

KELSO:

Are you just picking up on that?

FEZ:

(rubbing his hands together) So, what are we adding?

LAURIE:

Ooh, is it nudity?

FEZ:

(smiling perversely at Laurie) Oh how I love my wife.

HYDE:

No we're just adding a little humiliation to go along with the humor.

ERIC:

Awesome! Who are we humiliating?

JACKIE:

(in disgust) Karen Kenner.

KELSO:

Oh hey, that's the girl I did it with at Price Mart.

ERIC:

Oh my God, there are places to do it at Price Mart?

FEZ:

Eric, there are places to do it everywhere. You just have to know where to look.

KELSO:

Man, Karen's really hot but she's a total fake.

JACKIE:

(angrily) I know she's a back-stabbing tramp.

KELSO:

(chuckling) No, I mean she's _really_ fake. She's completely stuffed. I thought she had an awesome rack but then off came the clothes and she had more kleenex in her bra than Forman used when we saw "Bambi".

HYDE:

Wow, that's a lot of Kleenex. Considering how much Forman cried during that movie.

ERIC:

(embarrassed) Hey buddy, we all cried. I mean Bambi's mom _dies_. HOW MESSED UP IS THAT?

JACKIE:

(clapping excitedly) Oh my God, that's perfect! Thank you, Michael. Steven, see if Donna can get some recruits.

HYDE:

Fine. We'll meet under the bleachers in half an hour.

FEZ:

(sighing dreamily) Ah, another delightful place to do it.

ERIC:

Under the bleachers? Man, I've gotta use my imagination more.

HYDE HEADS OFF WITH THE PAINT.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. ANNOUNCER'S BOOTH AT THE STADIUM. IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING. DONNA IS SEATED AT A DESK WITH A MICROPHONE AND SEVERAL SHEETS OF PAPER IN FRONT OF HER. HYDE ENTERS THROUGH THE DOOR.

HYDE:

Hey, Donna, I need a favor.

DONNA:

rolling her eyes in irritation) _Yes._ I'll bail you guys out of jail if you get caught.

HYDE:

Ok, I guess I need _two_ favors. You know how most of your fans are perverts?

DONNA:

Hey, I resent that. (she shrugs) And, ok, go on.

HYDE:

I need you to get some of them up here to do something. Nineteen fans, to be exact.

DONNA:

What do you want them to do exactly?

HYDE WHISPERS SOMETHING TO DONNA. SHE SMILES.

DONNA:

Oh yeah, my fans will be perfect for that job. (Donna switches on her microphone and talks into it) Hey, all you Hot Donna fans, I've got a special treat for you. Anyone interested in an autographed photo of yours truly should head on up to the announcer's booth.

DONNA SWITCHES OFF HER MIKE AND TURNS BACK TO HYDE.

DONNA:(cont'd)

Alright gimme about 15 minutes and you'll have your nineteen perverts.

HYDE:

(sarcastically) Yeah, you've got some classy fans.

DONNA:

(she shrugs) Hey, I'm just glad I've got fans.

HYDE EXITS, LEAVING THE PAINT ON THE DESK.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 5

EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS. A SHORT WHILE LATER. THE BLEACHERS ARE PACKED WITH PEOPLE. HYDE AND JACKIE ARE SITTING IN THE FRONT ROW NEAR THE STAIRS. HYDE HAS HIS ARM AROUND JACKIE AND SHE IS LAYING HER HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER. SHE LOOKS REALLY SAD. DONNA'S VOICE CAN BE HEARD ON THE LOUDSPEAKER THE BAND IS PLAYING FIGHT SONGS IN THE BACKGROUND.

DONNA:

(voice only) Alright, Point Place, our coronation is gonna start in two minutes so head on over to the field to check it out.

JACKIE:

I've gotta go. Will you watch me give away my beautiful, beautiful crown to that awful girl?

HYDE:

(with a smirk) Since I'm in between evil deeds at the moment I think I can do that.

JACKIE:

(pouting, angrily) I can't believe I don't get to give my speech.

HYDE:

(begrudgingly) Jackie, when we get home tonight you can give your speech to me.

JACKIE LIFTS HER HEAD OFF OF HYDE'S SHOULDER AND SMILES EXCITEDLY.

JACKIE:

I can?

HYDE:

Sure. (grinning at her) As long as you do it in the nude.

JACKIE LAUGHS AND GIVES HYDE A QUICK KISS BEFORE SHE GOES.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 6

EXT. POINT PLACE HIGH FOOTBALL STADIUM, THE VISITORS SECTION ACROSS THE FIELD. ABOUT AN HOUR LATER. HYDE, JACKIE, ERIC, KELSO, FEZ AND LAURIE WALK UP THE STEPS. THERE ARE LOTS OF PEOPLE SITTING ON THE VISITORS SIDE. THE GANG FINDS A SPOT AND SITS DOWN. THEY'RE WATCHING ACROSS THE FIELD, EXCITEDLY. A MARCHING BAND IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

DONNA:

(voice only over the sound system) Wow, what an exciting parade! As our new Homecoming King and Queen make their way around the track direct your attention to the field. The Point Place cheerleaders are going to lead us in the school song. And don't forget about those flip cards. Hold them up nice and high when the cheerleaders give you the cue. Take it away, girls.

LAURIE:

Why are we sitting on the visitor's side?

ERIC:

(to Laurie) Because, genius, this way we can see our handiwork. And also because if anyone figures out we did it they won't be able to find us.

HYDE:

Alright, this is it. All of our deviant behavior is about to pay off.

JACKIE:

(gazing out onto the field pouting) Look at her. Riding around in that convertible wearing _my_ crown.

FEZ:

Oh Jackie, you have to cheer up.

KELSO:

(with a dopey grin) Hey, you can be our Queen if you want to.

ERIC:

That's right, Queen of the Rejects. That's somethin', right?

JACKIE:

(giving everybody a small smile) Aww ... thanks you guys. And we're not rejects. Well, maybe Fez and Eric are but the rest of us are good looking.

FEZ:

I am so excited. I cannot wait to burn this entire high school. Especially the football team. (angrily) I hate those bastards.

DONNA:

(voice only) Alright, Viking fans, hold those cards up.

CUT TO THE HOME SECTION BLEACHERS. ALL THE FANS ARE STANDING UP. THEY HOLD UP THEIR FLIP CARDS. WHEN THEY HOLD THEM UP WE CAN SEE THAT THE FLIP CARDS HAVE BEEN PAINTED TO FORM A GIANT POT LEAF. THE FRONT ROW OF THE HOME SECTION IS MADE UP OF GUYS WHO ARE SITTING DOWN AND NOT HOLDING CARDS. THEY STAND UP, TURN AROUND AND MOON. THEY HAVE LETTERS PAINTED ON THEIR BUTTS THAT SPELL OUT, "KAREN KENNER STUFFS"

CUT TO KITTY AND RED, BOTH ARE HOLDING UP THEIR FLIP CARDS. RED LOOKS EXTREMELY IRRITATED.

KITTY:

Now why is the visiting section laughing at us? Red, hold your card up higher maybe we're not doing it right.

RED GIVES KITTY AN IRRITATED LOOK.

CUT TO THE GANG IN THE VISITING SECTION. THEY ARE ALL LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.

HYDE:

(laughing) Oh my God. That's a beautiful sight, man. Look at that giant pot leaf!

KELSO:

(pointing) Forget about that. Look at all those butts! It's totally awesome.

FEZ:

(yells) Take that football team!

JACKIE:

(excitedly patting Hyde) Look at Karen trying to cover up her chest. (cupping her hands over her mouth and yelling out at the field) Nobody steals my crown and gets away with it!

ERIC:

(happily) We're not rejects. WE RULE, MAN!

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY LATE THAT NIGHT. JACKIE AND DONNA SIT IN THE CHAIRS ON THE PORCH, THEY ARE BOTH WEARING CROWNS. HYDE AND ERIC ARE LEANING UP AGAINST THE RAILING HAVING A BEER.

HYDE:

(nodding) That may have been our biggest burn ever. I mean, how many times do you get to burn hundreds of people at once?

ERIC:

Not often enough, my friend.

DONNA:

You guys should've seen everybody in the home section go nuts when they figured out what was going on. Cheerleaders were crying. Teachers were flippin' out. (laughing and nodding) It was so cool.

JACKIE:

Did you see Karen Kenner run off the field? She's gonna have to transfer schools. Steven grabbed my crown off her head as she ran by us. (smiling at Hyde) You're the best husband in the world.

HYDE:

(with a smirk) Anything for you, doll.

FEZ AND KELSO RUN UP THE DRIVEWAY. LAURIE STROLLS UP BEHIND THEM.

KELSO:

(yelling spastically over his shoulder as he runs) Come on you guys, let's celebrate!

FEZ AND KELSO JUMP INTO THE GIANT PILE OF LEAVES STILL SITTING BY THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE.

DONNA:

(to Hyde and Eric) Go ahead. You know you want to.

HYDE AND ERIC SET DOWN THEIR BEERS AND RUN INTO THE YARD. THEY JUMP ON TOP OF KELSO AND FEZ IN THE LEAVES.

KELSO:

(yelling from underneath the leaves) OW! Somebody got me in the bean bags!

ON THE PORCH DONNA ROLLS HER EYES AND CHUCKLES WHILE LAURIE AND JACKIE WATCH THE GUYS AND LAUGH.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"What A Fool Believes"

A fight between Eric and Donna leads the gang to wonder what life would be like if they were different people, until Hyde has a dream in which they've all traded personalities.


	18. What A Fool Believes

"What A Fool Believes"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by The Doobie Brothers.

I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disaster that was Season 8. This would be Episode 8-11.

Again, thank you so much to all of you for reviewing. I know there were some problems with the site not letting people review the last chapter. So I want to thank those of you that sent me PMs, too.

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. THE VINEYARD RESTAURANT. EVENING. THE GANG IS SEATED AT A LARGE TABLE HAVING DINNER. THEY ARE ALL DRESSED UP. THE RESTAURANT IS VERY CROWDED. THERE IS CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

DONNA:

(to Eric) It was so nice of you guys to take us out to dinner.

ERIC:

Yep. (with a cheesy smile) You ladies are lucky to have us. Especially you. (he points to Donna)

JACKIE:

(frowning) I'm still starving.

KELSO:

(under his breath) There's a shocker.

HYDE:

Hey Kelso -

HYDE ACCIDENTALLY-ON-PURPOSE KNOCKS OVER A GLASS OF WATER INTO KELSO'S LAP.

KELSO:

(jumping up out of his chair with a wet lap) DAMN HYDE! Now it looks like I peed on myself.

HYDE:

Stop crying, you big baby.

KELSO:

Fine. (pouting he sits back down) Just gimme your napkin.

HYDE PROCEEDS TO BLOW HIS NOSE IN HIS NAPKIN AND THEN HE OFFERS IT TO KELSO.

HYDE:

(with a wicked grin) Here you go.

KELSO:

(angrily) Never mind.

LAURIE:

(smiling seductively at Fez) Fez, have I told you how sexy you look tonight?

FEZ:

Thank you, my lovely. And may I say your rack is looking absolutely fabulous this evening.

KELSO:

I agree, Laurie. (he gives two thumbs up and a huge smile) Great dress!

JACKIE:

(reading a menu) I'm gonna have the cheesecake _and _the hot fudge sundae for dessert.

HYDE:

Jackie, this place is really expensive so let's try to order just _one_ dessert.

ERIC:

(sarcastically) Oh, that reminds me. Hey Donna, let's try to keep a check on the number of beers you have.

DONNA:

(a little irritated) Thanks a lot, Eric.

ERIC:

What? It was a joke.

DONNA:

Not a very good one.

HYDE:

(to Donna) Are they ever?

THE GUY SITTING IN THE CHAIR BEHIND DONNA SCOOTS HIS CHAIR BACK BUMPING INTO DONNA WHICH KNOCKS HER INTO THE TABLE AND SPILLS HER DRINK.

DONNA:

What the hell? (she turns around) Hey watch it, buddy!

ERIC:

(Eric turns to the guy behind Donna) Yeah watch it, bud ...

THE GUY STANDS UP AND TURNS AROUND. HE'S REALLY BIG AND SCARY LOOKING

ERIC:(cont'd)

(nervously) Oh boy. You're really large.

RUDE GUY:

(threateningly to Eric) Is there a problem, pal?

ERIC:

(putting up his hands nervously) Not with me. Nope.

THE GUY SITS BACK DOWN AND ERIC LOOKS INCREDIBLY RELIEVED.

DONNA:

(very sarcastically) Gee, thanks for sticking up for me, Eric.

ERIC:

(quietly and a little freaked-out) Hey, Donna - that guy could kill me. Do you really want me to die because some guy bumped into you?

DONNA:

You were gonna fight Mitch when he humiliated me at that wedding.

ERIC:

That's cause Mitch is the size of a fourth grader. I would've killed him.

KELSO:

Not necessarily, Eric. Sometimes little guys can be scrappy. Remember the ch-

JACKIE:

(very irritated) Michael, if you say "the cheese guy" I swear to God I will stab you with my fork.

FEZ:

Come on guys, don't fight. (he smiles) Let's talk about doing it instead.

DONNA:

We're not fighting. (sarcastically) Eric doesn't fight.

KELSO:

Burn! (everyone stares st him) Sorry, but I call 'em like I see 'em.

AN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE AND THE TENSION BETWEEN ERIC AND DONNA IS PALPABLE.

FEZ:

Wow. You could cut the tension with a knife. (he smiles and holds up a butter knife) Good thing we all happen to have one.

FEZ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY BUT THE SILENCE CONTINUES. SMOKE STARTS TO DRIFT OVER FROM THE TABLE WHERE THE RUDE GUY IS SITTING.

LAURIE:

(with a ditzy smile) Hey, do you guys wanna talk about how hot Fez looks? That always cheers me up.

JACKIE SHIFTS UNCOMFORTABLY IN HER SEAT AND RUBS HER BABY BUMP PROTECTIVELY.

HYDE:

(concerned, to Jackie) What's wrong?

JACKIE:

(quietly) That guy is smoking. (she points at the guy and Hyde turns to look)

HYDE:

(to Jackie) Stay here.

HYDE GETS UP FROM HIS SEAT AND HEADS OVER THE RUDE GUY'S TABLE.

ERIC:

(nervously) Hyde, wait. Are you crazy, man?

FEZ:

Yes he is. (he smiles) Our crazy, crazy friend.

KELSO:

(with a big, dopey grin) Crazy friends are fun cause they get hurt a lot.

LAURIE:

(giving Kelso a teasing smile) No, that's _stupid_ friends.

KELSO:

(frowns) Oh yeah.

HYDE HAS REACHED THE RUDE GUY'S CHAIR. HE TAPS THE GUY ON THE SHOULDER AND THE GUY TURNS TO LOOK AT HYDE.

HYDE:

Hey, buddy. My wife is pregnant and this is the non-smoking section so I'd really appreciate it if you put your cigarette out.

RUDE GUY:

If it bothers you then move. (he turns back to his food)

ERIC:

(a little too loudly) Ok, let's go guys.

ERIC STARTS TO STAND UP AND HYDE SHOVES HIM BACK DOWN IN HIS SEAT.

HYDE:

Sit down, Forman. Nobody's going anywhere. (once more he taps the guy on the shoulder) I'm gonna ask you again to put it out.

RUDE GUY:

I don't think so.

HYDE:

Then I think we're gonna have a problem.

THE GUY STANDS UP AND SQUARES OFF TO FACE HYDE.

RUDE GUY:

(with a mocking smile) Is that so?

HYDE:

(glaring) Yeah, it is. See, I asked you nicely. I used manners and everything. I don't like using manners.

RUDE GUY:

Look, punk, I don't care if you asked me nicely and I _really_ don't care if you don't like my smoke. So, why don't you and your knocked-up little woman take a hike.

HYDE:

(grinning) See, now you've pissed me off.

RUDE GUY:

Oh yeah, well what are you gonna do about it?

HYDE PUNCHES THE GUY IN THE JAW AND SENDS HIM DOWN TO THE FLOOR KNOCKING HIM OUT.

HYDE:

(rubbing his hand) That.

ERIC:

(very embarrassed and uncomfortable) Well, isn't that perfect. Hyde knocked the giant guy out. How great for him.

JACKIE:

Oh Steven, you're my hero.

JACKIE GETS UP CROSSES TO HYDE. SHE THROWS HER ARMS AROUND HIS NECK AND STARTS KISSING HIM.

ERIC:

(with a weak smile) Hey, Donna, am I your hero?

DONNA:

(quietly and a little sad) Get bent.

ERIC:

Ok.

KELSO STAND UP AND PULLS HIS BADGE OUT.

KELSO:

(loudly, to everyone in the restaurant) Alright, everyone, I'm Officer Kelso. (flashing his badge) Everything is under control. Everyone return to their meals. Except you, (he points to a hot girl) you can come have dinner with me.

ANOTHER UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE. JACKIE FUSSES OVER HYDE. ERIC AND DONNA SIT IN SILENCE.

FEZ:

(sadly to Laurie) Does this mean we're not staying for desert?

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN. A SHORT WHILE LATER. RED, KITTY AND BOB ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE LOOKING VERY SERIOUS. KELSO, FEZ AND ERIC ENTER THROUGH THE SLIDING GLASS DOOR. THE REST OF THE GANG FOLLOWS BEHIND.

KELSO:

(excitedly) I told you, man, Hyde could totally beat up Luke.

ERIC:

Stop saying that.

FEZ:

Sorry, Eric but I have to agree. Hyde would kick Luke's ass. He might have a problem with Han though.

KELSO:

(with a goofy laugh) That would be an awesome fight. Hyde and Han Solo. I would totally pay money to see that.

RED:

(points at Fez and Kelso) You two. Get in the basement where you belong.

LAURIE:

(looking at Red and Kitty) What's going on?

KITTY:

Nothing, sweetie, everything's fine. (she stands up and grabs a plate off of the counter, handing it to Laurie) Here, Laurie, I made some pizza rolls. Why don't you take them downstairs.

LAURIE:

(a little whiny) But I wanna know what's going on.

FEZ:

Laurie, don't argue, we have pizza rolls. Let's go!

FEZ, LAURIE AND KELSO HEAD DOWNSTAIRS. HYDE AND JACKIE START TO FOLLOW THEM UNTIL KITTY STOPS HYDE.

KITTY:

Steven, why don't you and Jackie stay here.

HYDE AND ERIC LOOK AT KITTY, THEY'RE A LITTLE CONFUSED. KITTY MOTIONS FOR THEM TO SIT. HYDE HELPS JACKIE SIT ON ONE OF THE STOOLS AT THE COUNTER THEN HE STAND BEHIND HER. ERIC SITS ON THE OTHER STOOL.

DONNA:

(looking around at everybody) Ok, what the hell is going on? Why is everyone staring at me?

BOB:

Honey, why don't you sit down.

DONNA:

(getting agitated) I'm not sitting down. Whenever somebody asks you to sit down it's because they have something bad to tell you.

BOB:

Your mom called.

DONNA:

What's wrong? Is she ok?

BOB:

She's fine, sweetie. (he pauses) She called to tell us she's getting married.

DONNA:

(in shock) What?

BOB:

It's ok, honey. I'm not upset and you shouldn't be either. (he pauses and smiles) I'm happy with Joanne and your mom's happy, too. Apparently the guy's some kind of movie producer.

ERIC:

Oh my God, does he have anything to do with the new "Star Wars" movie by chance?

DONNA TURNS AND STARES AT ERIC.

HYDE:

(quietly and a little irritated) Forman, I'm gonna strongly recommend that you shut up now.

DONNA:

(slowly) I can't believe she's getting married. (Donna starts to cry) God, what's the matter with me? I should be happy for her, right?

JACKIE:

(sincerely) Donna, I'm so sorry.

KITTY:

(putting her arm around Donna) Honey, your mom will always be there for you. Don't ever forget that.

ERIC:

(very uncomfortably) Wow. So I guess your mom getting married kind of makes you forget about the fact that I wouldn't fight that guy.

ERIC LAUGHS NERVOUSLY AND EVERYONE TURNS TO STARE AT HIM. DONNA RUNS OFF INTO THE BASEMENT FOLLOWED BY JACKIE.

RED:

(to Eric) What is wrong with you? How is it humanly possible for one person to always say the wrong thing?

ERIC:

(he shrugs) It's a gift.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT. IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING. HYDE'S CHAIR HAS BEEN MOVED AND THERE IS A SIT 'N SPIN IN IT'S PLACE. KELSO IS SPINNING ON IT AND FEZ AND LAURIE ARE SITTING ON THE DEEP FREEZE WATCHING HIM. HYDE AND JACKIE ARE ON THE COUCH WITH DONNA. ERIC IS IN THE LAWN CHAIR.

FEZ:

(counting as Kelso spins) 16, 17, 18 _19 ..._ And we have it! (excitedly) A new sit 'n spin record! Nineteen revolutions. (Fez crosses to Kelso) Kelso, how do you feel?

KELSO SLOWLY STANDS UP AND STAGGERS AROUND. THEN HE FALLS FACE FIRST BEHIND THE COUCH.

LAURIE:

(crosses behind the couch) Kelso, are you alright?

HYDE:

(looking over the back of the couch) He'll be fine. It's not like he can hurt himself just laying there on the floor.

LAURIE SHRUGS AND SHE AND FEZ RETURN TO THE DEEP FREEZE AND SIT BACK DOWN ON IT.

DONNA:

(sadly to Jackie) I can't believe this is bothering me so much. I mean, my mom and dad are so much better off apart. And I know they've been broken-up forever, but it never really felt permanent until now.

JACKIE:

(taking Donna's hand) I know it doesn't seem like it now, Donna, but it'll be ok. (she smiles) Steven's mom abandoned him and my dad's in prison. And look how fabulous we are. Your mom's not doing either of those things, she's just getting remarried. Marriage isn't as bad as prison.

ERIC:

(laughing nervously) That depends on who you marry. (everyone stares at him and he frowns) I'm sorry. When I get nervous I make really inappropriate jokes.

FEZ:

Do not be sad, Donna. My parents are not married.

LAURIE:

Wow, Fez. I didn't know that.

FEZ:

(smiling) Well, they are married in my country. But I don't think a ceremony performed by a medicine man is legal.

JACKIE:

Donna, do you want Steven to shave off his sideburns to cheer you up?

DONNA:

What?

JACKIE:

Remember when my dad went to prison and Steven shaved off his beard. It cheered me right up!

DONNA:

How would Hyde shaving off his sideburns cheer me up?

JACKIE:

(excitedly) Because, it would cheer _me_ up and then I would be better able to cheer _you _up.

DONNA:

Eric, don't you have anything to say?

ERIC:

Well, it's gonna take me like a month to grow a beard but I'll do it if it would cheer you up.

DONNA:

(frustrated) I'm not talking about the stupid beard! I'm talking about the fact that everyone else is trying to help and you're just sitting there making stupid jokes. God, even Kelso's helping.

ERIC:

(yells) HE HASN'T SAID ANYTHING!

DONNA:

(starting to get angry) I KNOW! Not having to listen to Kelso talk _is_ helping.

KELSO:

(voice only from behind the couch) Thanks, Big D.

HYDE:

Ok, everybody just calm the hell down. Donna, why don't you come home with Jackie and me. You can call your mom and then you can crash on our couch.

JACKIE:

Yeah, it'll be fun. Ooh, I can fix your hair.

DONNA:

(with a small smile) Thanks, you guys.

ERIC:

(gets up and sits on the arm of the couch next to Donna) Donna, just tell me what to do and I'll do it. (laughs nervously) Hey, maybe Hyde could beat up your mom's boyfriend for you.

FEZ:

(very nervously) Oh no. Here we go.

DONNA STANDS UP. NOW SHE LOOKS PISSED.

DONNA:

I can't believe this. You are being such a baby! Will you just forget about what happened at the restaurant.

ERIC:

(stands up) You made me feel like an ass!

DONNA:

No, Eric. (he points at him) You did that all on your own. I just wanted you to stand up for me. You didn't have to knock the guy out. Jackie didn't even have to ask Hyde and he stood up for her.

ERIC:

(he pauses and looks hurt) Donna that's not who I am, ok? I'm not a big tough guy like Hyde. I'm not him. (yelling again) And _we_ are not _them._ (he points to Jackie and Hyde)

DONNA:

We don't have to be them.

ERIC:

Isn't that what you want? You want me to be tough like Hyde. Do you want me to be all sexy like Kelso too?

KELSO:

(voice only from behind the couch) Thanks, man.

ERIC:

(angrily with sarcasm)You know what, maybe _you_ should change too, Donna. Maybe you should dress all floozy looking like Laurie does for Fez, (quickly to Laurie) no offense, Laurie.

LAURIE:

(shrugs) None taken.

ERIC:

(back to Donna) Or maybe you should stay home and have babies and take care of me like Jackie does for Hyde. What do you think about that?

DONNA:

Go to hell, Eric!

ERIC:

(yelling)Yeah, well, luckily I know where that is! It's upstairs with Red.

ERIC STORMS OFF UP THE STAIRS AND DONNA RUNS OUT THROUGH THE BASEMENT DOOR. JACKIE GETS UP OFF THE COUCH WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM HYDE.

JACKIE:

(yelling after Donna) Donna. Stop making me chase you! I'm gonna go into labor and I don't wanna have my baby in this basement.

JACKIE EXITS OUT THE BASEMENT DOOR. HYDE, LAURIE AND FEZ JUST STARE AT EACH OTHER IN SHOCK.

LAURIE:

Wow. That was bad.

FEZ:

What should we do?

HYDE:

Thank God that we're not Forman.

KELSO:

(voice only from behind the couch) Guys? I think I need a doctor.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN. LATE THAT NIGHT. ALL THE LIGHTS ARE OFF AND ERIC SITS AT THE TABLE BY HIMSELF. KITTY COMES IN FROM THE LIVING ROOM AND HEADS TO THE REFRIGERATOR. SHE NOTICES ERIC AT THE TABLE.

KITTY:

Eric, what are you doing awake?

ERIC:

(pauses before answering her) Mom, do you ever wish Dad was different?

KITTY:

Different how, sweetie?

KITTY CROSSES TO THE TABLE AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO ERIC.

ERIC:

I don't know maybe ... nicer?

KITTY:

You father can be nice when he wants to be. (she frowns) Like when he's in a lot of trouble.

ERIC:

So there's nothing you would change about Dad?

KITTY:

You mean besides the things I've already changed? (she laughs then she sees that Eric is serious) No, Eric. I wouldn't change anything.

ERIC:

Even something small, like, (he pauses, thinking) the way he uses the word, "dumbass" in almost every sentence?

KITTY:

(sweetly) Eric, there's no such thing as a small change in a person. You change something small and it makes a _big _difference. If I told your father he couldn't use the word "dumbass" anymore he'd probably ... well he'd probably re-enlist in the army so he could start shooting people again. Eric, if a person _wants_ to change that's one thing. But _making_ someone change will only cause more problems.

ERIC:

(nodding) Got it. (looks at Kitty a little confused) Wait, so Dad can actually be nice?

KITTY:

(nods and smiles) Like a little teddy bear.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. HYDE AND JACKIE'S HOUSE. THE SAME TIME. HYDE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH HAVING A BEER. JACKIE IS CURLED UP NEXT TO HYDE WITH HER HEAD IN HIS LAP AND SHE IS FAST ASLEEP. AN ICE CREAM CARTON SITS ON THE COFFEE TABLE IN FRONT OF THEM. DONNA IS SITTING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF JACKIE.

DONNA:

(looking at Jackie) Wow, she can really put away the ice cream.

HYDE:

Yep.

DONNA:

God, (she hangs her head in frustration) I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want Eric to act like you. I just wanted him to do the right thing and say the right thing.

HYDE:

(seriously) The right thing according to who?

DONNA:

(guiltily) Me of course. I guess I kind of over-reacted, huh?

HYDE:

Yeah, a little. I think you've been spending too much time with Jackie.

DONNA:

(smirking at Hyde) You two are something you know that, Hyde?

HYDE:

If you mean evil and incredibly good looking then - yeah we are.

DONNA:

(rolls her eyes and then looks at Hyde seriously) No, I mean what you guys have works. Eric makes me so mad sometimes.

HYDE:

And you think Jackie doesn't make me mad? Donna, if it weren't for my alone time in the circle I'd be one of those guys you see on the news that snaps one day and walks around with his underwear outside his clothes.

DONNA:

(slowly) Do you ever wish Jackie was ...

HYDE:

Was what?

DONNA:

(shrugs) I don't know ... different somehow. Sometimes I wish Eric were ... a little less "Ericy" ya know?

HYDE:

Donna, Forman's girly and a little nerdy and that's Forman. You wouldn't want him to change.

DONNA:

Wouldn't I? (quickly) What if Jackie didn't care about clothes or listened to Bob Dylan instead of Neil Diamond? Or what if I was a little more feminine, or Laurie wasn't so horny, or Fez was a ladies man, or Kelso was smart?

HYDE:

(grinning) Ok, now you're just talking crazy.

DONNA:

No, I mean think about it. What if we could change something about us? Nothing major, just some little tiny thing that really bugs you.

HYDE:

Alright, then I pick the thing about music. I really hate Jackie's music.

DONNA:

And I'd pick Eric's action figures. I mean, come on, he's a grown man for God's sake.

HYDE:

I bet there are lots of things Jackie wishes she could change about me.

DONNA:

(with a chuckle) Yeah, well, you're kind of a mess.

HYDE:

Thanks.

DONNA:

No problem. (she yawns) Hey Hyde, you wanna make Jackie really happy? All you've gotta do is write her that song.

HYDE:

Yeah, that's not gonna happen. But, I can steal her a record from my store and play it for her. You think that'll work? (Donna doesn't answer) Donna? (he turns to Donna and sees she is sleeping he looks back and forth between the two girls) Huh, this isn't what I thought spending the night with two chicks would be like.

HYDE GRABS THE CLICKER AND FLIPS THROUGH THE CHANNELS. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON.

HYDE:

The _one_ time there's nothing on TV I'm trapped in front of it.

HYDE SETS DOWN HIS BEER THEN HE GRABS A PILLOW, SHOVES IT BEHIND HIS HEAD AND LAYS BACK

HYDE:

(sighing) Alright ... (he tries to get comfortable and shifts slightly)

HYDE CLOSES HIS EYES AND EXHALES SLOWLY. AS HE FALLS ASLEEP WE FADE INTO HIS DREAM.

INT. HYDE AND JACKIE'S HOUSE. IT'S THE SAME HOUSE BUT DECORATED VERY DIFFERENTLY. EVERYTHING LOOKS VERY EXPENSIVE AND PERFECT, IT LOOKS COLD. NOT LIVED-IN AND WARM. HYDE WALKS IN THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR WEARING A SUIT AND TIE. THE SUNGLASSES ARE NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. HE WALKS WITH QUICKNESS AND CONFIDENCE. HE LOOKS LIKE A VERY SERIOUS BUSINESSMAN.

HYDE:

(calling out) Hi, honey. I'm home.

JACKIE IS ASLEEP ON THE COUCH COVERED UP IN A BLANKET. HER BACK IS TO US. HYDE CROSSES TO THE COUCH AND LEANS DOWN.

HYDE:(cont'd)

Hey there, sweet girl. (he kisses her head under the blanket)

JACKIE:

(her voice muffled in the couch) Steven, please I'm trying to sleep.

HYDE:

Ok, but remember, we've got that country club dinner at seven so you should probably start getting ready.

JACKIE ROLLS OVER, THROWS OFF HER BLANKET AND SITS UP LOOKING VERY IRRITATED. SHE HAS HER HAIR PULLED BACK IN A PONYTAIL AND SHE'S NOT WEARING MAKE-UP. SHE'S GOT ON A TEE-SHIRT UNDERNEATH A PAIR OF OVERALLS. SHE LOOKS INCREDIBLY UN-JACKIE LIKE, AND SHE HAS A SLOUCH AND AN ATTITUDE TO HER.

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes) Oh my God, I can't believe you're making me go to a stupid dinner party.

HYDE:

Jackie, you know tonight is important to me. My dad wants me to schmooze some potential clients. So, go get all dolled up. I even bought you a new dress. You're going to look gorgeous.

JACKIE:

I am not. I'm gonna look huge.

HYDE PULLS JACKIE UP OFF OF THE COUCH AND STARTS RUBBING HER BABY BUMP AFFECTIONATELY.

HYDE:

(smiling) You're not huge. You're pregnant, and I think you're adorable.

JACKIE:

(looks extremely irritated) Do you realize how annoying it is when you call me adorable? _God dammit_ I'm crabby! (points threateningly at Hyde) And don't tell me it's adorable or I'll kick your ass.

JACKIE STOMPS OFF THEN SHE TURNS BACK AROUND TO HYDE.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

And another thing, take off that stupid suit. You wear a suit 24 hours a day. Buy a pair of jeans, Steven!

JACKIE STOMPS OFF AND HYDE NERVOUSLY LOOSENS HIS TIE.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. HYDE'S CAR THE SONG _"I AM ... I SAID"_ BY NEIL DIAMOND PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. HYDE IS BOBBING HIS HEAD TO THE MUSIC. JACKIE IS GLARING AT HIM. SHE REACHES FORWARD AND CHANGES THE MUSIC. THE SONG _"HURRICANE"_ BY BOB DYLAN COMES ON. JACKIE NODS APPROVINGLY AND HYDE FROWNS.

HYDE:

Please change it back.

JACKIE:

Steven, this is Bob Dylan. This song has meaning. It's about a man wrongfully imprisoned by the crooked judicial system. _This_ is music. I hate Neil Diamond.

HYDE:

Jackie, (he switches the music back) this song has meaning, too. See, he's "_lost and can't even say why"_ That's deep. Neil Diamond is a classic. Like this car.

JACKIE SWITCHES THE MUSIC BACK TO BOB DYLAN

JACKIE:

Well guess what, Steven, I hate this car too.

HYDE:

What? This is a Cadillac.

JACKIE:

(yelling) It's an old person's car! Why can't you drive something cool like a Firebird or and El Camino?

HYDE:

(irritated) An El Camino? Please. Those are for criminals.

HYDE SWITCHES THE MUSIC BACK TO NEIL DIAMOND. AGAIN JACKIE SWITCHES IT BACK TO BOB DYLAN. COMPLETELY FRUSTRATED HYDE FINALLY JUST TURNS THE RADIO OFF.

HYDE:

No more music! (he clears his throat, uncomfortably) We'll just talk. So. (with a sickly sweet smile) Sweetheart. How was you day? I had a great day at the office. The Minneapolis store's numbers are skyrocketing ...

JACKIE:

(interrupts him) Oh please. Just put Neil Diamond back on and shut up!

HYDE TURNS THE RADIO BACK ON AND JACKIE STARES STRAIGHT AHEAD.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT. POINT PLACE COUNTRY CLUB. EVENING. THE GIRLS ARE GATHERED AROUND A TABLE. JACKIE LOOKS VERY ANNOYED AND KEEPS FIDGETING AWKWARDLY WITH HER DRESS LIKE IT IS MAKING HER UNCOMFORTABLE. DONNA IS VERY MADE-UP AND HAS A FRILLY, POUFFY DRESS ON. LAURIE SITS TIMIDLY SLOUCHED OVER IN A PLAIN LOOKING AND VERY CONSERVATIVE SUIT.

DONNA:

(excitedly) God, I just love Country Club parties. Don't you, girls?

JACKIE:

No, I hate them.

DONNA:

How can you say that? (smiling dreamily) Don't you love getting dressed up and having Steven take you out?

JACKIE:

Steven takes me out all the time. He's always got clients to meet and parties to go to. God, I would love to just sit on the couch for a night and watch TV.

LAURIE:

(shyly) I wish Fez would take me out once in a while. But he says I'm not sophisticated enough to go to the places he likes.

JACKIE:

Do you want me to kick his ass?

LAURIE:

(with a sad smile) No, he's right. I mean, I just get so shy around all those important people. I never know how to talk to them. Especially the men.

DONNA:

(playing with Laurie's hair) You know, Laurie, I could fix you up if you wanted me too? A little lipstick would do wonders for your self-esteem.

HYDE COMES UP BEHIND THE GIRLS' TABLE AND KNEELS DOWN NEXT TO JACKIE'S CHAIR.

HYDE:

(smiling) How's my girl? Do you need anything? Just tell me what it is and I'll go get it for you.

JACKIE:

(frustrated) I need you to leave me alone, Steven! You are driving me insane. I'm begging you, go sit at the bar with the guys. Have a drink, for God's sake.

HYDE KISSES HER ON THE CHEEK AND THEN STANDS UP AND WALKS AWAY.

DONNA:

I wish Eric would fuss over me like that.

JACKIE:

(shaking her head) No, you don't. It's smothering and it's really un-sexy. I wish we could have angry sex, just once.

LAURIE:

(looking around embarrassed) Jackie! (whispers) Lower your voice people will hear you.

DONNA:

Jackie, you're lucky to have a guy like Steven. (whining) Sometimes I think the only way Eric will notice me is if I'm running around naked and on fire.

JACKIE:

(sarcastically) Yep. That's me. Lucky.

DONNA:

Jackie, (she pauses) you and Steven are happy right?

JACKIE:

(with a shrug) I guess. (looks at Donna skeptically) Why? Aren't you and Forman happy?

DONNA:

(smiles fakely) Sure we are. (a beat) I guess.

JACKIE:

(with a snort) Liar.

THE GIRLS ALL SIT IN SILENCE.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT. POINT PLACE COUNTRY CLUB. THE BAR. THERE ARE SEVERAL PEOPLE THERE AND A COUPLE OF BARTENDERS BEHIND THE BAR. ERIC, HYDE AND FEZ ARE SITTING AT THE BAR. ERIC LOOKS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. HIS SHAGGY HAIR IS GONE AND HE LOOKS MUCH MORE STYLISH. HE ALSO HAS A HARD LOOK TO HIM. FEZ IS DRESSED VERY SLEAZY WITH LOTS OF GOLD JEWELRY. ERIC HAS AN TOUGH GUY ATTITUDE AND FEZ IS VERY COCKY. THEY ARE ALL HAVING A DRINK. FEZ IS LEERING AT WOMEN AND ERIC IS SNAPPING RUDELY AT THE BARTENDER.

ERIC:

(yelling at the bartender) Hey, buddy, my beer's not gonna pour itself.

HYDE:

Relax, Eric.

ERIC:

(annoyed) Dammit, Steven. Stop calling me, "Eric".

HYDE:

Eric, I'm not calling you, "Forman". What are we, like, 13?

FEZ:

Hey guys, check out the ass on that chick. God, I wish Laurie would wear something like that. She's so uptight.

A CRASH IS HEAR OFF CAMERA AS SOME GLASSES BREAK. THE GUYS TURN AND LOOK WHERE THE NOISE CAME FROM.

FEZ:

What the hell was that?

ERIC:

(with a cold laugh) Take a guess.

KELSO:

(voice only off-camera) Sorry. I didn't see you there.

KELSO APPROACHES THEM. HE IS TRIPPING OVER HIS OWN FEET. HE LOOKS LIKE A TOTAL NERD. HE HAS GLASSES AND GREASED BACK HAIR AND HE'S WEARING A REALLY BAD SUIT.

KELSO:

(nervously) Hey guys, sorry I'm late. I was in the middle of this amazing experiment at the lab. Did you know that by adding sodium to our new ...

ERIC:

(interrupting him very sarcastically) Wow, Kelso, that's fascinating.

FEZ:

(with a mocking smile) Hey Kelso, did you figure out the formula for getting into a woman's pants yet?

ERIC:

Yeah, man, what're you like the oldest virgin ever?

HYDE:

Hey, lay off. He's just waiting for the right girl.

ERIC:

(with disgust) God, Steven. You are such a woman.

FEZ:

(with a sleazy smirk) Well, if you guys will excuse me there's a chick over there that I've just got to meet.

HYDE:

Fez, what about Laurie?

FEZ:

Oh yeah. (he shrugs) Hey, if you guys see her tell her you don't know where I am.

FEZ WINKS AT THE GUYS AND EXITS.

ERIC:

(with irritation) God, Donna's probably gonna want to dance tonight.

KELSO:

You know, Forman, in ancient societies dance was a form of communication.

ERIC:

(to Kelso) No wonder you can't get laid. (snapping his fingers at the bartender) Where the hell is my drink?

HYDE:

Well, I've got clients to meet with. Don't drink too much, boys.

HYDE GETS UP PATS THE GUYS ON THE BACK AND HEADS OFF.

ERIC:

(shakes his head in disgust) God, he's such a chick.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. POINT PLACE COUNTRY CLUB. BACK AT THE GIRLS' TABLE. THERE IS A BAND PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND AND A DANCE FLOOR. JACKIE, LAURIE, ERIC AND DONNA ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE.

LAURIE:

(quietly) Eric, are you sure you haven't seen Fez?

ERIC:

(angrily) Damn, Laurie, I said no, didn't I? (he stands up) I'm gonna go get a drink.

DONNA:

(with a nervous smile) Eric, I thought maybe we could dance.

ERIC:

Not tonight, Donna. (with condescension) Just sit here and gossip with the girls. I'll be back later.

ERIC WALKS OFF AND DONNA LOOKS CRUSHED.

THE BAND STARTS PLAYING THE SONG _"BABE" _BY STYX.

JACKIE:

(to Donna) Still wanna tell me you're happy?

DONNA:

Shut up, Jackie. Just because you have the perfect husband you don't have to rub it in.

JACKIE:

(laughing) Is that what you think? You think Steven's perfect? (getting worked up) He drives me freaking insane. He's suffocating me and he's annoying me.

LAURIE:

And he's also singing to you.

JACKIE:

(confused) What?

LAURIE:

(points at the stage) Look.

CUT TO THE STAGE. HYDE IS ON THE STAGE SINGING WITH THE BAND

HYDE:

I'd like to dedicate this to my wife, the beautiful pregnant woman over at Table 3. Wave "hi" honey.

JACKIE:

(hiding her face in her hands) Oh my God, I think I'm gonna die.

HYDE:

(singing) _"Cause you know it's you, babe_

_Whenever I get weary and I've had enough_

_Feel like giving up_

_You know it's you, babe_

_Givin' me the courage and the strength I need_

_Please believe that it's true_

_Babe, I love you"_

DONNA:

(pouting) I wish Eric would sing me a song.

JACKIE:

(extremely irritated) I wish Steven would _stop_ singing me songs.

KELSO WALKS UP TO THE GIRLS' TABLE AND STANDS NEXT TO IT. HE LOOKS NERVOUSLY AT THE GIRLS.

KELSO:

(with a shy smile) Boy, you all look really lovely tonight.

DONNA:

Thanks, Kelso. Why aren't you out there dancing?

KELSO:

(he shrugs) Who would wanna dance with me?

DONNA:

(excitedly) I'll dance with you. I really, really wanna dance.

KELSO:

Oh, I don't think Eric would like that.

DONNA:

(sadly) Believe me, he'll never even notice.

DONNA EXCITEDLY GRABS KELSO'S HAND AND LEADS HIM ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR.

KELSO:

Boy, Donna, Forman sure is a lucky guy. I would do anything to get a girl like you.

DONNA:

Well we'll just have to find you a girl, won't we?

KELSO:

You'd do that for me? You'd help me get a date?

DONNA:

(clapping her hands) Oh my God, I totally love playing match-maker.

KELSO:

(with a shy smile) Gee, thanks, Donna. You're great.

DONNA GIVES KELSO A HUG. ERIC WALKS UP BEHIND THEM AND SEES IT. HE LOOKS REALLY PISSED.

ERIC:

What the hell do you think you're doing, Kelso?

KELSO:

(pulls away from Donna nervously) Oh boy, I'm real sorry, Forman. We were just dancing.

ERIC:

(angrily yelling) Shut up! I see what's going on here. You can't get a woman of your own so you thought you'd steal mine, huh geek?

ERIC STARTS SHOVING KELSO

KELSO:

(stammering) No, that's not it -

DONNA:

Eric, stop it!

ERIC:

(keeps shoving Kelso) Not so brave now are you, pal?

ERIC PUNCHES KELSO AND SENDS HIM DOWN TO THE GROUND. THE BAND STOPS PLAYING AND EVERYONE TURNS TO LOOK AT THE GROUP GATHERED ON THE DANCE FLOOR.

DONNA:

(on the verge of tears) Eric, what is the matter with you? (she kneels down to help Kelso) He wasn't doing anything.

JACKIE AND LAURIE HEAD ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR AND HYDE COMES DOWN OFF THE STAGE.

HYDE:

What the hell is going on down here? Can't we act like adults for one evening? (to Jackie) Are you ok, honey?

JACKIE:

(with a sigh) Steven. I'm tired and I'm crabby and I'm going home. (she points at him) And don't follow me!

HYDE:

But Jackie ...

JACKIE STORMS OFF. HYDE JUST STANDS THERE WATCHING HER GO AS DONNA AND LAURIE HELP KELSO OFF OF THE FLOOR AND ERIC HEADS BACK TO THE BAR.

FADE OUT FROM HYDE'S DREAM BACK INTO JACKIE AND HYDE'S LIVING ROOM. ALL THREE ARE STILL SLEEPING ON THE COUCH.

HYDE'S HEAD SNAPS UP OFF HIS PILLOW.

HYDE:

_That_ was the worst dream I've ever had. (he gently shakes Jackie) Jackie ... Jackie, wake up.

JACKIE SLOWLY SITS UP AND LOOKS AT HYDE.

JACKIE:

(sleepily) What's the matter?

HYDE:

I'm never gonna sing you a song and I'm never gonna take you to a country club.

JACKIE:

(confused) Ok. Can I go back to sleep now?

HYDE:

One more thing. How do you feel about Bob Dylan?

JACKIE:

His music is weird and I can't understand a word he says.

HYDE GRABS JACKIE AND KISSES HER. HARD.

HYDE:

Now you can go back to sleep.

JACKIE:

(smiling) Well now I don't wanna go back to sleep.

HYDE:

(urgently) Upstairs?

JACKIE NODS QUICKLY THEY BOTH STAND UP AND HYDE TAKES OFF RUNNING UP THE STAIRS. JACKIE STANDS BY THE COUCH WATCHING HIM GO.

JACKIE:

(yelling after him) What part about pregnant women not being able to run don't you people understand?

HYDE RUNS BACK DOWN THE STAIRS, PICKS JACKIE UP AND RUNS BACK UP THE STAIRS WITH JACKIE LAUGHING THE WHOLE WAY UP.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN. THE NEXT MORNING. RED IS AT THE TABLE EATING BREAKFAST. KITTY IS AT THE COUNTER PUTTING FOOD ON A PLATE. ERIC WALKS IN. HE LOOKS MISERABLE.

KITTY:

(smiling) Well, there's my little sad face. I made you your special "cheer-up" breakfast. (she holds up a plate of food) Pancakes with a blueberry smiley face.

RED:

(sarcastically) Yeah and I've got your special "cheer-up" greeting. Stop moping around or you'll be crying even harder because my foot will be jammed up your ass.

ERIC:

(looks at Kitty) Mom, I thought you said he could be nice?

KITTY:

Well it's gotta be a really special occasion, sweetie.

ERIC GRABS THE FOOD FROM KITTY AND JOINS RED AT THE TABLE.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 5

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S LIVING ROOM. THE SAME TIME. DONNA IS STILL SLEEPING ON THE COUCH AND HYDE IS AT THE STEREO, SNAPPING RECORDS IN HALF. DONNA WAKES UP AND STARES AT HYDE.

DONNA:

What the hell are you doing?

HYDE:

Breaking all the Styx albums.

DONNA:

(looking around) Where's Jackie?

HYDE:

She's still sleeping. (with a wicked grin) We kinda had a late night.

DONNA:

Yeah, I know.

HYDE:

Oh sorry, did we wake you up?

DONNA:

(laughing) I think you woke all of Point Place up. (she lays back down on the couch and looks sad) God, what am I gonna say to Eric? He's probably really pissed at me.

HYDE:

He'll get over it. Look at how many times I've pissed Jackie off and yet - here we are. (very Zen) I'm down here breaking her records and she's upstairs exhausted from all-night sex. And when she gets up she'll come down here, see what I've done and start screaming at me. Then the cycle will repeat itself and all will be as it should be.

DONNA:

(grinning) Did you have an early morning circle, Hyde?

HYDE:

Let's just say I've seen a different side to all of us and it ain't pretty, Donna. (a beat) And yes, I did.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 5

EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY. A SHORT WHILE LATER. DONNA IS SITTING ON THE VISTA CRUISER. THE RADIO IS ON AND THE SONG _"JUST THE WAY YOU ARE"_ BY BILLY JOEL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE CAR. ERIC COMES OUT FROM THE KITCHEN CARRYING A BAG. HE STOPS WHEN HE SEES DONNA.

"_Don't go changin' to try and please me_

_You never let me down before"_

ERIC:

Hey. I wasn't sure I'd see you today.

DONNA:

(with a teasing smile) Did you get me a gift? (she points to the bag he's holding)

ERIC:

(nervously) No. It's the garbage.(quickly) But I can get you a gift if you want me to.

DONNA:

Eric, I was kidding. (she pauses) So, last night wasn't such a good night for us.

ERIC:

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's not gonna make the top ten list.

DONNA:

(laughing) Probably not.

ERIC SETS THE BAG DOWN AND HOPS UP ON THE CAR NEXT TO DONNA. SHE SCOOTS CLOSER TO HIM AND LAYS HER HEAD IN HIS SHOULDER. THEY JUST SIT AND LISTEN TO THE MUSIC.

"_I took the good times _

_I'll take the bad times_

_I'll take you just the way you are_

_Don't go tryin' some new fashion_

_Don't change the color of your hair_

_You always have my unspoken passion_

_Although I might not seem to care"_

ERIC:

I'm sorry about your mom. I'm not sure what else to say so I'm just gonna stop talking.

DONNA:

Thanks. But I'm ok with it now.

ERIC:

(with a sarcastic smile) That's good because I didn't want to have to send Hyde all the way to California to kick that guy's ass.

DONNA:

(chuckling) Eric, you should probably stop talking again.

ERIC:

(he nods) Ok. Good idea.

THEY KISS.

"_I said I love you_

_And that's forever _

_And this I promise from the heart_

_I couldn't love you any better_

_I love you just the way you are"_

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT. HYDE IS IN HIS CHAIR WITH JACKIE ON HIS LAP. FEZ AND LAURIE ARE ON THE COUCH. LAURIE HAS HER HEAD ON FEZ'S SHOULDER. THE SONG _"LOVE HER MADLY"_ BY THE DOORS PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. KELSO BURSTS IN WEARING HIS UNIFORM WITH A HUGE GRIN ON HIS FACE.

KELSO:

(excitedly) You guys, guess what! I rescued this chick's cat from a tree and she was so grateful we did it in her yard!

LAURIE:

(with a spacey look on her face) Fez, I wish we had a yard to do it in.

FEZ:

(smiles perversely at Laurie) Someday, my lovely.

JACKIE:

(whining) Can we please listen to Andy Gibb now?

HYDE:

(smiling and nodding) This feels good.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"Runnin' With The Devil"

Jackie and Hyde are having a Halloween party. And Kelso and Fez take Betsy trick or treating, but it's Fez who wants to keep the candy.


	19. Runnin' With The Devil

"Runnin' With The Devil"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Van Halen

I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disaster that was Season 8. This would be episode 8-12.

Thanks so much for continuing to read and review. I appreciate it!

All bumpers for this episode would have Halloween themed backgrounds.

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S LIVING ROOM. HALLOWEEN NIGHT. THE LIVING ROOM IS DECORATED TO LOOK LIKE A HAUNTED HOUSE. HYDE IS PUTTING SOME BEER ON ICE WHEN JACKIE WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS. SHE IS DRESSED AS A PUMPKIN. SHE EVEN HAS A LITTLE GREEN STEM HAT AND A PAINTED FACE. THE SONG, _"DEVIL WOMAN"_ BY CLIFF RICHARD IS PLAYING ON THE STEREO.

HYDE:

(teasing, to Jackie) Hey, you better be careful on Thanksgiving. I don't want anybody turning you into a pie.

JACKIE:

(gives him a snotty smile) Haha. Very funny. This is the only costume that would fit me. You're supposed to stuff it.(with a pout) I didn't even need the stuffing.

HYDE IS TRYING VERY HARD NOT TO LAUGH. JACKIE JUST GLARES AT HIM..

JACKIE:

Are you laughing at me, Steven?

HYDE:

(through pursed lips) No, I swear I'm not. (he finally gives in and laughs) I'm sorry, you're just so god damn cute.

JACKIE:

(she gasps) Oh my God, you called me cute.

HYDE:

(with a smirk) Does that mean it's ok for me to laugh at you?

JACKIE SMACKS HIM ON THE ARM.

HYDE:

Ow. (grabbing his arm) Hey kid, (he leans down to talk into her stomach) your mom hits. Hard.

JACKIE:

(poking Hyde) Hey buddy, this is supposed to be a costume party and you're the host. You have to wear a costume.

HYDE:

I am.

JACKIE:

(raising her eyebrows) Oh yeah, who are you supposed to be?

HYDE:

(with a sly grin) I'm the coolest guy in Point Place.

JACKIE JUST ROLLS HER EYES AND HYDE LEANS IN AND GIVES HER A QUICK KISS. ERIC AND DONNA ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. ERIC IS DRESSED AS FRED FROM "SCOOBY DOO" COMPLETE WITH A BLONDE WIG. DONNA IS DAPHNE. HYDE LOOKS AT THEM WITH AMUSEMENT.

HYDE:

(to Eric and Donna) Just park the Mystery Machine in the driveway.

ERIC:

(with an sarcastic smirk) Oh you're so funny. Yeah. Bite me, buddy.

DONNA:

(looking Hyde up and down) Nice costume, Hyde, who are you?

HYDE:

I'm the sexiest guy in Point Place.

JACKIE:

(to Hyde) I thought you were supposed to be the "coolest guy in Point Place"?

HYDE:

(he smiles) I'm both, baby.

DONNA:

(to Jackie) Oh, hey, Kelso called, he said to remind you guys that he's bringing Brooke and Betsy with him.

JACKIE:

I didn't know Brooke was coming. (pouting) Great. She'll probably be a French Maid and I'm a stupid pumpkin.

JACKIE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN.

ERIC:

(to Hyde) Do you think Brooke will really be a French maid?

HYDE:

If she is she gets the best costume award.

DONNA:

(points at Hyde) Hyde, I'm warning you right now, if Brooke shows up as a French Maid don't even glance in her direction. Jackie will cut your balls off and put them in the bobbing tank with the apples.

JACKIE:

(pops her head out from the kitchen) Steven, can you help me get the tub down for the apples?

ERIC:

(nervously) Oh my God, it's like she has bionic hearing.

HYDE SHOOTS ERIC A LOOK AND THEN HEADS TOWARDS THE KITCHEN.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. HYDE AND JACKIE'S LIVING ROOM. ABOUT AN HOUR LATER. RED, BOB AND JOANNE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH HAVING A BEER. ERIC IS STANDING NEARBY. BOB IS THE SKIPPER FROM "GILLIGAN'S ISLAND" AND JOANNE IS GILLIGAN. RED IS DRESSED AS DRACULA. HE HAS A VERY ELABORATE COSTUME, COMPLETE WITH A CAPE, FANGS AND BLOOD DRIPPING DOWN HIS CHIN. THE SONG, _"(DON'T FEAR) THE REAPER"_ BY BLUE OYSTER CULT IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

BOB:

(staring at Red) Geez, Red, you look really scary. I'm a little afraid to sit next to you right now.

RED:

(with an evil grin) You should be, Bob. I'm the living dead.

ERIC:

(under his breath) And that's on a good day.

KITTY ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN CARRYING A CAULDRON PUNCH BOWL. SHE IS DRESSED AS ONE OF DRACULA'S BRIDES. SHE'S WEARING A LONG WHITE DRESS WITH BLOOD DOWN THE FRONT. SHE HAS A BLACK WIG AND A GHOSTLY PALE FACE WITH BLOOD ON HER CHIN AND FANGS. SHE ALSO HAS A FANG MARKS AND A LITTLE BLOOD ON HER NECK.

KITTY:

(with a smile) Ok, who wants some Vampire Blood Punch?

BOB:

(looking a little queasy) I think I'll pass. I'm not really sure I wanna drink blood.

RED:

Bob, don't be a dumbass. It's just Hawaiian Punch and a lot of booze.

BOB:

Oh. Well, in that case, (he smiles) my little buddy and I here will have some. Get it? "Little buddy"? Cause Joanne's Gilligan.

JOANNE:

(patting him on the arm) They get it, Bob.

JACKIE AND DONNA ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN, EACH CARRYING SOME FOOD. THE DOORBELL RINGS AND HYDE ANSWERS THE DOOR. IT'S A LITTLE KID DRESSED LIKE A COWBOY.

HYDE:

(staring at the kid)Yeah?

KID:

(holding out a Jack-o-lantern bucket) Trick-or-treat.

HYDE:

Oh crap. I forgot candy.

HE RUMMAGES THROUGH HIS POCKETS AND PULLS OUT SOME CHANGE.

HYDE:

Here, take a quarter. (he tosses it into the kid's bucket)

JACKIE COMES UP BEHIND HYDE WITH A BOWL OF CANDY.

JACKIE:

(with an excited smile) Oh my God, our first trick-or-treater. Yay! (throws some candy in the boy's bucket) There you go, little boy.

KID:

(looking at Hyde) I'd rather have the money.

JACKIE FROWNS AND HYDE GRINS.

HYDE:

(to Jackie) I like this kid. (to the kid) Hey, you can have both if you tell all your friends we're giving out apples. Got it?

KID:

(he nods) Got it.

THE KID EXITS AND HYDE CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.

HYDE:

(giving Jackie a wicked smile)Well, looks like we won't be getting any more trick-or-treaters tonight.

THE DOOR OPENS AND IT'S KELSO, FEZ, LAURIE, BROOKE AND BETSY.

KELSO:

(yells excitedly) Trick-or-Treat!

HYDE:

Guess I spoke too soon.

KELSO, FEZ AND LAURIE ARE ALL DEVILS, BUT LAURIE IS A SEXY DEVIL IN A VERY RACY COSTUME. BROOKE IS A CLOWN, SHE IS HOLDING BETSY WHO IS AN ANGEL.

KELSO:

(with a big, dopey grin) The _treat_ is seeing me and the _trick _is ...

LAURIE:

(interrupts him with a frown) You don't wanna know what the trick is.

KELSO:

(grabbing Betsy from Brooke) Look how cute my baby is! She's got wings and everything.

KELSO HOLDS HER OUT AND TURNS HER AROUND TO SHOW EVERYBODY HER WINGS.

FEZ:

(grabbing Laurie's hand) Look how cute _my _baby is. (he turns Laurie around to show the tail on her costume) She's got a tail and everything.

JACKIE:

(smiling with relief) Brooke, I _love_ your costume.

KELSO:

Yeah, I told her she should show a little skin. But she didn't go for it.

BROOKE:

Jackie, thank you so much for having Betsy and I.

JACKIE:

(to Brooke) Thank _you_ for being a clown and not a French Maid.

BROOKE LOOKS A LITTLE CONFUSED BUT SHE SMILES AT JACKIE ANYWAY. JACKIE GRABS BROOKE'S HAND AND LEADS HER INTO THE KITCHEN. LAURIE FOLLOWS THEM AND FEZ GOES TO GET A BEER. HYDE AND KELSO, HOLDING BETSY, WATCH THEM GO.

KELSO:

(grinning) Wow. A French Maid would've been awesome.

HYDE:

(nods) Yep.

KELSO:

(smirking) Hey, remember last year when Jackie was Malibu Barbie. _That_ was a great costume. (Hyde glares menacingly at Kelso) You can't hit a guy with a baby. (he holds Betsy in front of him)

CUT TO ERIC AND DONNA HANGING OUT BY THE PUNCH BOWL. DONNA IS LOOKING AT THE ADULTS GATHERED ON THE COUCH.

DONNA:

Red's costume is really cool.

ERIC:

(with mock-seriousness) That's not a costume, Donna. I'm pretty sure Red actually _is_ the Lord of Darkness.

DONNA LAUGHS AND ERIC POURS HER A GLASS OF PUNCH.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

EXT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S DRIVEWAY. A SHORT WHILE LATER. BROOKE IS HOLDING BETSY AND KELSO IS TALKING TO HER IN A BABY-TALK VOICE.

KELSO:

C'mon, Betsy, let's try one more time. Say, "trick-or-treat".

BROOKE:

Michael, she can't talk yet.

KELSO:

I know. (with a goofy laugh) But wouldn't it be cool if her first words were trick-or-treat?

FEZ COMES UP THE DRIVEWAY ROLLING A RED FLYER BEHIND HIM. IT HAS A BLANKET IN IT AND IS FILLED WITH CANS OF BEER.

FEZ:

(excitedly, to Kelso) Alright, I got the wagon. (whining) Now, can we please go trick-or-treating before there is no candy left.

BROOKE:

(looking into the wagon) It's filled with beer.

KELSO:

Fez, the wagon was supposed to be for Betsy.

FEZ:

Than where am I supposed to put the beer?

KELSO:

(nods in agreement) Good point. (taking Betsy from Brooke) I'll just carry Betsy.

BROOKE:

(apprehensively) Maybe I should come with you guys.

KELSO:

Brooke, stop worrying. Betsy's gonna be fine. I've gone trick-or-treating like 15 times and it's only turned out badly maybe 11 of those times.

BROOKE:

(smiling nervously) Right. So, I'm gonna come along.

KELSO:

Brooke, trick-or-treating is dad stuff. I wanna teach Betsy about the joys of Halloween.

FEZ:

(smiling) Yes, like the candy.

KELSO:

(with a smirk) And how to egg somebody's house.

FEZ:

And the candy.

KELSO:

(getting excited) Ooh, and how to smash pumpkins.

FEZ:

And the candy.

BROOKE:

Michael ...

KELSO:

(interrupting her) Brooke I promise, we'll be fine. I'm gonna take good care of my little girl.

FEZ:

(to Brooke) Yes, and if you come you will ruin our look. You see right now we are two devils and an angel. We have a theme. And if you come we will be two devils, an angel and a clown.Where is the theme in that? There is none. It's just stupid.

BROOKE:

(with a small smile) Fine, I won't come. (she puts a hand on Kelso's chest) But remember, Michael, Betsy can't actually eat the candy.

KELSO:

Oh man, we're not gonna be like those lame parents that don't let their kid eat candy are we?

BROOKE:

No. (slowly) She can't eat the candy because she only has four teeth.

FEZ:

(hopefully) Does that mean all the candy is for Fez?

KELSO:

Looks that way, man.

FEZ:

(with a dreamy look) Oh how I love Halloween.

FEZ ROLLS THE WAGON BEHIND HIM AS KELSO, CARRYING BETSY, FOLLOWS HIM DOWN THE DRIVEWAY.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S LIVING ROOM. THE SAME TIME. THE SONG, _"FRANKENSTEIN"_ BY THE EDGAR WINTER GROUP IS PLAYING ON THE STEREO. LAURIE, ERIC AND DONNA ARE GATHERED AROUND THE PUNCH BOWL HAVING A DRINK. JOANNE, BOB AND RED ARE ON THE COUCH. HYDE AND JACKIE ARE STANDING AT THE OPEN DOOR, W.B. HAS ARRIVED. HE IS DRESSED AS SHAFT.

HYDE:

W.B., you made it, man. (shakes his hand)

W.B.:

(with a smile) How are you, son? Hi Jackie. (he leans in and gives her a kiss on the cheek)

JACKIE:

(excitedly to W.B.) Oh my God, you're Shaft aren't you? Shaft is so badass.

W.B.:

(to Hyde) She says, "badass"?

HYDE:

(nods and grins proudly) She says, "badass".

W.B.:

(hands a bottle of wine to Hyde) I brought you some wine. (to Jackie) The expensive stuff, of course. And, here's twenty bucks for my grandchild. (he hands some money to Jackie)

HYDE:

W.B., you don't have to give the baby money every time you see us.

JACKIE:

(hitting Hyde) Steven, if giving his future grandchild money makes your father happy then don't stomp on the man's joy.

JACKIE TAKES THE WINE FROM HYDE AND HEADS INTO THE KITCHEN. RED GETS OFF THE COUCH AND COMES OVER TO GREET W.B.

RED:

W.B., good to see you. (shakes his hand)

W.B.:

How are you, Red?

RED:

I'll be even better after I make a couple of kids run screaming down the street. What do you say you and I go scare the crap out of the neighborhood punks?

HYDE:

(with an evil smile) Hey, see if you can find Kelso and Fez. They're fun to scare.

RED AND W.B. HEAD OFF TO THE KITCHEN. LEO STROLLS IN THROUGH THE OPEN DOOR. HE IS DRESSED AS SANTA CLAUS

HYDE:

Leo?

LEO:

(grins at Hyde) Hey, man. Boy, am I glad I finally found your house. I must've rung twenty doorbells looking for you guys. But, it was cool cause everybody kept giving me candy. Your neighbors are really friendly, man.

HYDE:

(with a smile) Yeah, man, that's cause it's Halloween.

LEO:

Halloween? I thought it was Christmas. I was pretty bummed cause there's no snow. I've gotta have my white Christmas, man.

HYDE JUST SHAKES HIS HEAD AND LAUGHS.

CUT TO LAURIE, DONNA AND ERIC BY THE PUNCH BOWL.

DONNA:

(making an "O" with her mouth) Holy hell, what is in this punch? (she takes another drink)

ERIC:

(sarcastically) Ooh, our first mystery. (he pauses, like he's thinking) I'm gonna go out on a limb and say booze. And since my mom made it I'm gonna take another crazy guess and say _a lot_ of booze.

LAURIE:

Yeah, two glasses of this stuff and you'll be running through the streets trick-or-treating in the nude.

ERIC:

(tilting up Donna's glass) Drink up, Donna!

KITTY ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND HEADS OVER TO BOB AND JOANNE. SHE HOLDS OUT A TRAY OF FOOD TO THEM.

KITTY:

(with a big smile)Witches fingers?

BOB:

(staring at the food nervously) Kitty, you've done some terrifying things with food.

JOANNE:

Bob, they're sandwiches.

BOB:

Okie-dokie, then we'll have two fingers for me and my little buddy please.

BOB AND JOANNE TAKE SOME SANDWICHES FROM KITTY.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

EXT. STREET. A SHORT WHILE LATER. FEZ, KELSO AND BETSY ARE TRICK-OR-TREATING. KELSO IS HOLDING BETSY IN ONE ARM AND PULLING THE BEER-FILLED WAGON WITH THE OTHER HAND. THERE IS A TRICK-OR-TREAT BUCKET IN THE WAGON. FEZ IS EATING A CANDY BAR AND DRINKING A BEER. HE LOOKS BLISSFULLY HAPPY. THERE ARE LOTS OF OTHER LITTLE KIDS IN COSTUMES AND PARENTS WALKING AROUND.

KELSO:

(pointing at kids) Betsy's cuter than that kid, and that kid, and that kid ... man, she's gonna have such a great life.

FEZ:

(smiling at his candy bar) You know, candy and beer go really well together.

KELSO:

You know what else goes really well together? (with a big, dopey grin) Me and my super cute baby. Fez, I didn't think this was possible, but when I'm holding my baby I think I'm even hotter than usual.

FEZ:

(nods) I agree. You two compliment each other very nicely.

FEZ SLAMS DOWN THE REST OF HIS BEER AND THEN TAKES A GIANT BITE OF HIS CANDY BAR. KELSO LOOKS A LITTLE CONCERNED.

KELSO:

Fez, man, you better slow down.

FEZ:

(sheepishly) What? Too much candy or too much beer?

KELSO:

Too much of both, dude. I don't want you setting a bad example for Betsy. (a beat) Ooh, get the eggs, there's Pam Macy's house.

FEZ REACHES INTO THE WAGON AND PULLS OUT TWO CARTONS OF EGGS.

FEZ:

(grinning) Ready to go, my friend! (he pauses) But, try to save some eggs because Nina's house is down the street. And then Caroline's house is just two blocks away.

KELSO:

I think we're gonna need more eggs.

FEZ NODS EXCITEDLY AND THE THREE HEAD OFF DOWN THE STREET.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S KITCHEN. LATER THAT NIGHT. JACKIE, DONNA, LAURIE AND BROOKE ARE GATHERED AROUND THE KITCHEN TABLE. KITTY'S PUNCH IS IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM AND THEY ALL HAVE A BIG GLASS, EXCEPT JACKIE OF COURSE, WHO IS EATING OUT OF THE BOWL OF CANDY. LAURIE AND BROOKE SEEM SOMEWHAT TIPSY. DONNA, HOWEVER, IS DRUNK.

JACKIE:

(rubbing her belly) I can't believe I went from Malibu Barbie to a pregnant pumpkin in one year. (she smiles) Now _that's_ progress.

BROOKE:

I think you look so cute, Jackie. It's hard being pregnant, but trust me it's all worth it.

JACKIE:

(with a smile) You know, Brooke, I'm sorry for all the bitchy things I ever said about you.

DONNA:

Don't be fooled, Brooke, if you had showed up as a French Maid instead of a clown her claws would be out.

BROOKE:

(rolling her eyes) What is it with guys wanting us to wear sexy Halloween costumes? (points at Laurie) I mean, look how Fez made Laurie dress.

LAURIE:

(with a spacey smile) Oh no, I picked this out all by myself.

JACKIE:

(pointing towards the living room) Next year, we're making _them_ wear sexy Halloween costumes.

KITTY AND JOANNE ENTER. KITTY SPIES HER PUNCH AT THE TABLE AND CROSSES TO THE GIRLS.

KITTY:

There's where my punch went.

DONNA:

(covering up the punch bowl like she's protecting it) Yep, and this is where it's staying too, cause this conversation is just starting to get interesting.

JOANNE:

What conversation?

DONNA:

(with a grin) The one about sexy Halloween costumes for men.

KITTY:

Ooh, somebody get me a chair! (she laughs excitedly)

KITTY AND JOANNE SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE AND FILL UP THEIR GLASSES WITH PUNCH.

LAURIE:

I've got one. (she pauses and grins) _Tarzan_. (with a dreamy sigh) I bet in Fez's country he wore a loincloth all day, everyday _and_ I bet he was all hot and sweaty.

JACKIE:

(squishing up her nose) Ok, eww ... please keep your thoughts about a sweaty Fez to yourself.

DONNA:

(giggling) Can you imagine Eric in a loincloth? His skinny little body all oily.

JACKIE:

Great, now it's gonna take me all night to get the image of Fez and Eric dressed like Tarzan out of my mind.

KITTY:

(with a smirk) Ooh ... how about Humphrey Bogart in "Casablanca" in his white tuxedo coat? Now _that_ would be a sexy Halloween costume.

JOANNE:

(with a smile) They just don't make 'em like Bogey anymore.

KITTY:

(nodding) You can say that again.

DONNA:

(slurring) They just don't make 'em like Bogey anymore.

KITTY:

(looks at Donna strangely) Thank you, Donna.

DONNA:

(with a drunken nod) You're welcome. (she smiles and holds out her glass) More punch, please.

BROOKE:

How about Romeo? That would be a sexy costume.

LAURIE:

(with a shrug) I don't know, aren't tights kind of girly?

JACKIE:

Sure if Eric's wearing them. But if Steven's wearing them, (she smiles slyly) well, let's just say you'd all understand how I ended up this way. (pointing to her baby bump)

DONNA:

(whispers loudly to Kitty) Jackie says Hyde's gifted in the pants department, if you get my drift.

KITTY:

(frowning) I don't think I wanna know these things about my precious Steven.

DONNA:

(to Kitty) Have some more punch. It makes everything better.

JACKIE:

(ignoring Donna) Alright, I've got it, _the sexiest_ Halloween costume for a guy. (she pauses dramatically) Rhett Butler.

KITTY:

(giggling) Oh, Rhett Butler.

BROOKE:

(with a sigh) Gone With the Wind is my favorite book.

LAURIE:

(very ditzy) "Gone With the Wind" is a book?

JOANNE:

(quickly) But which costume? The one where he's all sweaty and he lifts Scarlett down out of the carriage to kiss her while everything is burning down around them ...

BROOKE:

(interrupting her) No, how about the one he wears in the beginning of the movie when he stares at Scarlett as she walks up the stairs.

JACKIE:

Ooh, or the one where he's all sexy and angry and he grabs Scarlett and carries her up all those stairs. (she smiles) Trust me, sexy and angry go well together.

KITTY:

(with a laugh) Boy, he ran up those stairs really fast. He must've had something to do.

THE ROOM GETS VERY QUIET AND ALL THE GIRLS LOOK A LITTLE FAR AWAY. KITTY STARTS FANNING HERSELF, NERVOUSLY.

KITTY:(cont'd)

Is it hot in here?

DONNA SLAMS HER GLASS OF PUNCH AND THEN HOLDS IT OUT TO KITTY.

DONNA:

(urgently) More punch, please.

HYDE ENTERS, THE GIRLS TURN AND STARE AT HIM. THEY ALL LOOK A LITTLE GUILTY.

HYDE:

(to Jackie) Hey, baby, can you grab some more cheese?

JACKIE:

Yeah, I'll be right there.

HYDE:

(looking around at the girls) What's going on in here?

ALL GIRLS:

(quickly) Nothing!

HYDE LOOKS AT THEM LIKE HE DOESN'T BELIEVE THEM BUT HE LEAVES ANYWAY. THE GIRLS SIT IN SILENCE UNTIL DONNA SPEAKS UP.

DONNA:

(with a dirty look in her eyes) Let's talk some more about guys in tights.

JACKIE:

Donna, I just realized something. You're a little raunchy when you've been drinking.

DONNA:

Yep. (she takes a big drink) More punch, please.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

EXT. STREET. A SHORT WHILE LATER. KELSO IS STILL HOLDING BETSY. THEY ARE STANDING ON THE SIDEWALK, WAITING FOR FEZ WHO IS WALKING UP TO THEM VERY SLOWLY. HE IS HOLDING HIS STOMACH AND DOESN'T LOOK WELL.

KELSO:

Feeling better, man?

FEZ:

Oh ... candy and beer do not taste as good coming back up. (he reaches into the bucket and grabs some candy) Mmm Kit-Kats. (he smiles) Nummy.

FEZ OPENS THE CANDY AND STARTS EATING AND THEY ALL BEGIN WALKING DOWN THE SIDEWALK AGAIN.

KELSO:

Dude, do you think that's a good idea? You just threw up.

FEZ:

Yes, so now I have more room for candy and beer.

KELSO:

(thinks about it and then shrugs) That makes sense.

FEZ AND KELSO REACH THE FORMAN'S DRIVEWAY AND THEY STOP.

KELSO:

(smiling) Alright, this is it. Our grand finale. The Forman house.

FEZ:

(loudly) Are you insane? I cannot egg my in-laws house. Red is just waiting for me to screw up so he can kill me in my sleep.

KELSO:

Relax, man, we're not gonna egg the house. That would be mean. (he pulls back a blanket in the wagon revealing several rolls of toilet paper) We're gonna toilet paper it.

FEZ:

(yelling) That's worse, you idiot!

KELSO:

(with an angry pout) Fine! I'll do it myself. Hold Betsy and keep watch.

KELSO HANDS BETSY TO FEZ, REACHES INTO THE WAGON AND GRABS SOME TOILET PAPER.

FEZ:

(through clenched teeth) No. I will not keep watch. That makes me an accomplice.

FEZ SQUEEZES HIS EYES SHUT.

KELSO:

What are you doing?

FEZ OPENS ONE EYE AND GLARES AT KELSO.

FEZ:

Closing my eyes so when Red catches you, (a beat) and he _will_ catch you, I can say I didn't see anything.

AGAIN, FEZ SQUEEZES BOTH EYES SHUT.

KELSO:

(annoyed) Man, you used to be fun.

FEZ:

You know what's fun? Doing it with Laurie, that's fun. And I won't be able to do that anymore if Red kills me.

KELSO:

(pouting) Whatever, man. (he points threateningly at Fez) Just don't drop my baby. (smiles at Betsy) Betsy, will you be Daddy's look-out?

KELSO SLOWLY SNEAKS UP TO THE HOUSE. HE PEEKS INTO THE KITCHEN TO MAKE SURE NO ONE'S THERE, THEN HE CHECKS BEHIND HIM. WHEN HE SEES NO ONE HE HEADS INTO THE FORMAN'S SIDE YARD AND DISAPPEARS BEHIND THE HOUSE. HE IS OUT OF SIGHT FOR A FEW SECONDS AND THEN WE HEAR A HIGH-PITCHED, GIRLY SCREAM.. KELSO COMES RUNNING FROM BEHIND THE HOUSE AND SPRINTS DOWN THE DRIVEWAY. HE IS FREAKING OUT.

KELSO:

(yelling) HOLY CRAP, IT'S DRACULA AND SHAFT! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE FEZ!

KELSO SPASTICALLY RUNS AWAY. FEZ OPENS HIS EYES AND WATCHES HIM GO BY. SUDDENLY WE SEE RED AND W.B. ARE CHASING KELSO. THEY STOP NEAR FEZ AND SMILE AS THEY WATCH KELSO RUN OFF.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S LIVING ROOM. ABOUT AN HOUR LATER. THERE IS A TUB SET UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM. HYDE, ERIC, KELSO AND FEZ ARE ALL GATHERED AROUND IT. THE SONG, _"MONSTER MASH" _BY BORIS PICKETT PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

HYDE:

(with a mocking grin) Alright, which one of you losers is talented enough to get an apple out of there.

ERIC:

(looking into the tub) Hyde, the water's black.

HYDE:

(irritated) Well if it were clear, you could see the apples. And that would be cheating now _wouldn't_ it, Forman.

KELSO:

(excitedly) Is that tub filled with beer?

HYDE:

No.

KELSO:

Why not?

HYDE:

Honestly, I don't know.

FEZ:

(stepping forward) I'll go. (he turns and smiles at the guys) Stand back and watch Fez work you apple-less morons.

FEZ PUTS HIS HANDS BEHIND HIS BACK THEN HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND DUNKS HIS HEAD INTO THE TUB. THE GUYS ALL STAND THERE WATCHING HIM LEO COMES UP BEHIND THEM.

LEO:

(looking into the tub) What are looking at, dudes?

KELSO:

Fez is bobbing for apples.

LEO:

Why?(to Hyde) Did you run out of food, man?

THEY TURN THEIR ATTENTION BACK TO FEZ.

ERIC:

Wow, he can really hold his breath. You know, you shouldn't go very long without oxygen, it's bad for your brain.

KELSO:

Relax, Eric, I hold my breath all the time and I'm perfectly fine.

ANOTHER PAUSE AS THEY ALL WATCH FEZ.

LEO:

I think he drowned, man.

HYDE:

Nobody drowns bobbing for apples.

KELSO:

(seriously) I betcha I could if I tried really hard.

AGAIN THEY STARE AT FEZ IN THE TUB. ERIC IS STARTING TO LOOK NERVOUS.

ERIC:

Should we send somebody in after him?

HYDE:

(to Eric) Who? The apple-bobbing lifeguard?

FEZ EMERGES, OUT OF BREATH, FROM THE TUB WITH AN APPLE IN HIS MOUTH. HE SMILES TRIUMPHANTLY AT THE GUYS. HE TAKES THE APPLE OUT OF HIS MOUTH.

FEZ:

Take that, whores!

FEZ BEGINS EATING HIS APPLE PROUDLY.

ERIC:

I'm goin' in. If Fez can do it, so can I.

FEZ:

(taunting Eric) Good luck, my small mouthed friend.

ERIC TAKES OFF HIS BLONDE "FRED" WIG AND TAKES A DEEP BREATH. HE GOES IN THE TUB AND IMMEDIATELY COMES BACK OUT.

ERIC:

(yelling) Mother of God, that water's freaking freezing!

HYDE:

(with an evil grin) Yeah, that's cause I put a big block of ice on the bottom.

ERIC:

Fez, how the hell did you stay down there that long?

FEZ:

(smiling) I just thought about the next one of you sons-of-bitches that would stick your tiny head in the icy water.

KELSO:

(with a goofy smile) Sweet burn, dude.

FEZ:

(nodding) Thank you.

FEZ CONTINUES TO EAT HIS APPLE AND ERIC STARES NERVOUSLY AT THE WATER.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY. RED, W.B. AND BOB LOOK PROUDLY AT THE HUGE PILE OF TOILET PAPER, CARTONS OF EGGS AND BOTTLES OF SHAVING CREAM AROUND THEM.

RED:

(with an evil smile) I have never confiscated more toilet paper, shaving cream and eggs in one night. (pats W.B. on the back) W.B., you're coming over every Halloween.

W.B.:

(smiles and nods) Yep, nothing scares the crap out of a bunch a white kids like Shaft chasing after them.

BOB:

(to W.B.) You're better than the neighborhood watch. In fact, what do you do on Friday nights?

RED:

(irritated) Bob, Friday night is _your_ night.

BOB:

I know, but let's face it Red, I don't scare anybody. But, I figure if I have W.B. here maybe we can cut down on the crime on Fridays.

W.B.:

You have crime in this neighborhood?

RED:

(grinning) Not since Steven married Jackie we don't.

BOB:

(nodding) It seems he's more scared of her than the police.

W.B. CHUCKLES AND RED STARTS TO COLLECT THE "LOOT" ON THE DRIVEWAY.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 5

INT. HYDE AND JACKIE'S LIVING ROOM.. HYDE, ERIC, KELSO, LEO AND FEZ ARE GATHERED AROUND THE TUB. EVERYONE EXCEPT HYDE HAS A WET HEAD. KELSO LOOKS EXTREMELY IRRITATED. THE SONG, _"EVIL WAYS" _BY SANTANA PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

HYDE

Alright. The score is, Leo - one, Fez - two, Forman - one, Kelso - zero.

EVERYONE GIVES KELSO A TAUNTING SMILE.

KELSO:

(spastically) You know it's not as easy as it looks, Hyde!

HYDE:

Sure it is.

KELSO:

(to Hyde) Fine, let's see you try it.

HYDE:

Normally I don't like to get the 'fro wet, but to prove a point I'll make an exception.

HYDE TAKES HIS SUNGLASSES OFF AND HOOKS THEM ON HIS SHIRT. WITHOUT EVEN TAKING A DEEP BREATH HE GOES UNDER WATER, WITHIN A FEW SECONDS HE COMES UP WITH AN APPLE IN HIS MOUTH.

KELSO:

(annoyed) How the hell did you do that so fast?

HYDE:

(takes the apple out of his mouth and smiles) In case you haven't figured this out yet, I'm good at everything.

HYDE PUTS HIS SUNGLASSES BACK ON AND KELSO POUTS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 6

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S LIVING ROOM. A LITTLE LATER THAT NIGHT. KELSO'S HEAD IS UNDERWATER IN THE TUB. DONNA AND LAURIE COME OUT OF THE KITCHEN, THEY ARE BOTH REALLY INTOXICATED. JACKIE AND BROOKE, HOLDING BETSY, FOLLOW BEHIND THEM. DONNA STOPS WHEN SHE'S SEES THE GUYS ALL HAVE WET HEADS.

DONNA:

Why are you guys all wet? (with a goofy smile) Did you go skinny dipping without us?

ERIC:

(confused) Why would four guys go skinny dipping by themselves?

DONNA:

(laughing) To check out Hyde's giant -

JACKIE IMMEDIATELY CLAPS HER HAND OVER DONNA'S MOUTH

JACKIE:

(urgently) Eric, I think it's time to take Donna home.

DONNA:

(she breaks free of Jackie and points at the guys) I'm not going home til these guys put out on some tights.

LAURIE:

(with a lustful look at Fez) Oh and a loincloth.

DONNA:

(rubbing Eric spastically) And get a little sweaty.

BROOKE SUDDENLY NOTICES THAT KELSO HAS HIS HEAD IN THE APPLE TUB.

BROOKE:

Why is Michael in that tub?

FEZ:

He's trying to get an apple. (with a mocking smile) He's been trying for a really long time.

KELSO POPS OUT FROM THE WATER.

KELSO:

(yelling in irritation) You know, just because I'm underwater doesn't mean I can't hear you guys!

KITTY AND JOANNE COME OUT OF THE KITCHEN ASSISTED BY RED AND BOB. BOTH OF THE WOMEN ARE TIPSY.

JOANNE:

(with a grin) Kitty, you make good punch.

KITTY:

(nodding) I make _great _punch.

JOANNE:

You make _great _punch.

KITTY:

(smiles) I do, don't I.

RED:

(shaking his head in irritation) Oh crap.

THE FOURSOME HEADS TOWARDS THE DOOR.

JOANNE:

(turns back to Hyde and Jackie) Thanks for having us. We had a wonderful time.

BOB:

(glaring at Red) Once again an evening with the Formans ends in intoxication.

RED:

(sarcastically) We aim to please, Bob.

BOB AND JOANNE EXIT.

KITTY:

(to Hyde) Thanks for coming. (she pauses and smiles) Wait, I don't live here do I?

HYDE:

(with a grin) Nope.

RED:

Come on, Kitty. Let's get you home while you can still walk on your own.

KITTY:

(as they walk out) Red, do you own a white tuxedo coat? You know, like Bogey in "Casablanca".

RED LOOKS AT KITTY STRANGELY AND THEY EXIT. HYDE CLOSES THE DOOR AND TURNS TO JACKIE.

HYDE:

Jackie, what the hell was going on in that kitchen? Every chick that comes out of there is drunker and more perverted than the next.

JACKIE:

(with an innocent smile) I don't know what you're talking about.

HYDE:

(giving her a teasing smile) You were talking dirty in there, weren't you?

JACKIE:

(indignantly) Absolutely not.

DONNA:

(pointing at Hyde) You bet your ass we were! (she stumbles over to Hyde and elbows him in the ribs) So Hyde, how big are we talkin'? (indicating with her hands) Just kinda big or, "put that thing away before you hurt somebody" big?

ERIC:

(laughing nervously) Ok, let's just get you home.

ERIC QUICKLY DRAGS DONNA OUT THE DOOR. HYDE GLARES AT JACKIE

JACKIE:

(with fake seriousness) Halloween does evil things to people, Steven.

HYDE CONTINUES TO GLARE AT JACKIE AND SHE GIVES HIM HER MOST FLIRTATIOUS SMILE.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S LIVING ROOM, LATE THAT NIGHT. FEZ AND LAURIE ARE SLEEPING CURLED UP TOGETHER ON THE COUCH. BETSY IS ASLEEP IN AN INFANT SEAT. BROOKE AND JACKIE ARE WANDERING AROUND PICKING THINGS UP. KELSO AND HYDE ARE STILL AT THE TUB. KELSO IS STARING WITH DETERMINATION INTO THE WATER.

KELSO:

Ok, one more try.(excitedly) I'm gonna get an apple this time, I can feel it.

KELSO TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND GOES BACK UNDER WATER. HYDE WATCHES HIM WITH AN EVIL GRIN ON HIS FACE. JACKIE COMES UP BEHIND HYDE AND LOOKS INTO THE TUB AT KELSO.

JACKIE:

Steven, there are no apples left in there.

HYDE:

(grinning at Jackie) Yeah, but Kelso doesn't know that.

HYDE TURNS BACK TO KELSO IN THE WATER AND JACKIE JUST ROLLS HER EYES.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"I Go Crazy"

With Jackie due in 10 weeks Hyde really starts to lose his Zen, much to the delight of his friends. And Kitty decides she needs to spend more time with Red. Will he go crazy as well?


	20. I Go Crazy

"I Go Crazy"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Paul Davis.

I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disaster that was Season 8. This would be Episode 8-13.

Thanks for all your reviews! You guys are awesome!

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. HYDE AND JACKIE'S BEDROOM, MORNING. THEY ARE BOTH ASLEEP AND JACKIE IS LAYING ACROSS HYDE'S CHEST. HYDE OPENS HIS EYES, VERY SUDDENLY.

HYDE:

What the hell was that?

JACKIE:

(half-asleep) What?

HYDE:

(he sits up in bed and points to Jackie's bump) That! What was that?

JACKIE:

Oh my God, you felt that?

HYDE:

What? What am I feeling?

JACKIE:

(smiling) Steven, that's the baby kicking. Isn't it amazing?

HYDE:

It's a little bit like "Alien".

JACKIE:

(getting very excited) Gimme your hand.

HYDE:

(skeptically) Why? What are you gonna do with it?

JACKIE GRABS HYDE'S HAND AND PLACES IT ON THE BABY.

JACKIE:

Hold on ... (she moves his hand around her belly until she finds the right spot and stops) here. Do you feel that? (she smiles at Hyde)

THEY SIT WITH HIS HAND ON THE BABY FOR A FEW SECONDS UNTIL HYDE LOOKS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE AND TRIES TO PULL HIS HAND AWAY.

HYDE:

(quietly) Jackie, let go of my hand. I'm gonna be late for work.

JACKIE:

(moving his hand trying to find the baby again) Just wait one minute.

HYDE:

(getting irritated) Jackie, come on ...

JACKIE:

No, she'll do it again, you just have to wait.

HYDE:

Jackie ... (she keeps moving his hand around and he looks more and more uncomfortable) Jackie, stop.

HYDE ABRUPTLY PULLS HIS HAND AWAY AND GETS OUT OF BED. JACKIE LOOKS VERY CONFUSED AND HURT, SO HYDE QUICKLY TURNS AWAY FROM HER AND HEADS TOWARDS THE BATHROOM DOOR.

JACKIE:

Steven?

HYDE:

(quickly) I've gotta go to work.

HYDE EXITS INTO THEIR BATHROOM AND CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. JACKIE LOOKS CRUSHED, SHE SITS IN BED AND RUBS HER BELLY.

JACKIE:

Ok. I'll just sit here and ... and ... (her expression changes to very pissed off) cut holes in all your stupid shirts.

JACKIE GETS OUT OF BED AND HEADS TO THE DRESSER

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN. LATER THAT MORNING. RED AND KITTY ARE AT THE TABLE HAVING BREAKFAST. KITTY IS STARING AT RED, SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE HAS SOMETHING SHE WANTS TO SAY. RED LOOKS UP FROM HIS FOOD AND IMMEDIATELY LOOKS CRANKY.

RED:

Kitty, why are you staring at me? Is there something on my face?

KITTY:

No.

RED:

Is there something wrong with the food? Oh crap, did you give me that imitation cheese again?

KITTY:

(smiling sweetly) Can't I just look at you without something being wrong?

RED:

(with a frown) No.

KITTY GOES BACK TO EATING AND, VERY RELUCTANTLY, SO DOES RED. A FEW SECONDS PASS AND KITTY STARTS STARING AT RED AGAIN.

KITTY:

Red ...

RED:

(exasperated) I knew it.

KITTY:

Do you think we spend enough time together?

RED:

(under his breath) Damn that Cosmo.

KITTY:

Because I don't think we spend enough time together.

RED:

Kitty, if we spend any more time together I think one of us might get very irritable. And by one of us, I mean me.

KITTY:

Are you trying to tell me you can actually get _more_ irritable than you already are?

RED:

(with a fake smile) Where's Schotzie? Why don't you spend more time with him? We really do neglect that dog.

KITTY:

I think I should go to the shop with you today.

RED:

(quickly) You don't wanna come to the shop with me. It's dirty and smelly and ... and there's not a bar there.

KITTY FROWNS AT RED, CLEARLY NOT PLEASED WITH HIS COMMENT.

RED:(cont'd)

(trying to change the subject) Besides don't you have to work?

KITTY:

Nope. I'm teaching parenting class every night this week so my days are wide open.(excitedly) Jackie are Steven are going to come to my class. _They_ can't wait to spend more time with me. (smiling at Red) Don't _you_ want to spend more time with me?

RED:

Kitty, why do you ask questions like that? (a beat) You know the answer is just going to make you mad.

KITTY:

(a little nuts) I am coming to the shop with you today, mister, and we are going to have a lovely freaking day together! (she stand up in a huff) So hurry up and finish that breakfast!

KITTY STORMS OFF INTO THE LIVING ROOM AND RED JUST SHAKES HIS HEAD.

RED:

This is why the dog hides under the house.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. GROOVES RECORD STORE. THERE ARE A FEW CUSTOMERS WALKING AROUND. THE SONG, _"DON'T LOOK BACK"_ BY BOSTON IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. DONNA COMES INTO GROOVES FROM ERIC'S STORE. HYDE IS BEHIND THE COUNTER AND A CUSTOMER COMES UP TO HIM.

CUSTOMER:

Do you have the new Ambrosia album?

HYDE:

(very irritated) No, because we only sell _good_ music here.

THE CUSTOMER LOOKS EXTREMELY OFFENDED AND WALKS OUT. DONNA, WHO HAS BEEN WATCHING WHAT HAPPENED, CLEARS HER THROAT TO GET HYDE'S ATTENTION.

HYDE:

(to Donna) What?

DONNA:

(with a smirk) You're even sweeter than usual this morning.

HYDE:

Whatever.

HYDE HEADS OUT INTO THE RECORD AISLES AND STARTS PUTTING RECORDS AWAY, IGNORING DONNA.

DONNA:

Jackie called me.

HYDE:

(he stops what he's doing but doesn't look at Donna) Yeah, so?

DONNA:

So, you wanna tell me why you freaked out when you felt the baby move?

HYDE:

I didn't freak out. I just couldn't lie around in bed all day. I had things to do.

DONNA:

(starting to get angry with Hyde) Like pissing off your customers?

HYDE:

Exactly.

DONNA:

God, Hyde, you're so full of crap. (she pauses and her face softens) You know, it's ok to be scared.

HYDE:

(turns back to Donna and stares at her) I'm not scared.

DONNA:

(quietly) You just keep telling yourself that, Hyde. Let me know when you believe it.

HYDE SHAKES HIS HEAD LIKE HE'S PISSED AND GOES INTO HIS OFFICE. DONNA WATCHES HIM GO. KELSO, FEZ AND LAURIE ENTER. FEZ AND LAURIE ARE HOLDING HANDS.

KELSO:

(with a big, dopy grin) Alright, who's ready to see some Muppets? (points to himself with his thumbs) This guy!

FEZ:

(staring at Laurie) Laurie, I love you like Kermit loves Miss Piggy.

LAURIE:

(with a big, ditzy smile) That is so sweet.

DONNA:

Where have you guys been? Eric's freaking out that we're gonna be late.

KELSO:

The movie doesn't start for another hour.

DONNA:

Yeah, but they're showing the new "Star Wars" movie preview before the movie so he wants to get there early enough to sit in the front row. And we (indicating herself, Kelso, Fez and Laurie) have to get there early enough so we can find other seats and pretend we don't know who he is.

ERIC ENTERS FROM THE DOOR TO THE FORCE.

ERIC:

(with a huge smile) I can't believe this day has finally arrived.

LAURIE:

(taunting Eric) What happened, did you grow some body hair?

ERIC:

(giving Laurie a phony smile) Laurie, there is nothing you can say that is gonna bring me down today. Because today is the day I get to see a glimpse of, (he pauses and says dramatically) "The Empire Strikes Back".

FEZ:

What the hell is that?

ERIC:

That's what the new "Star Wars" movie is called, man.

KELSO:

(with a small laugh) Oh good, I thought it was some sort of foreign film. (suddenly very serious) I don't see movies that require reading.

ERIC:

(in his own little world) The very title inspires me. Because it's so true. The Empire would _totally_ strike back. Cause they're probably super pissed. I mean, Luke blew up the Death Star, man.

DONNA:

(with a sarcastic smirk) Yeah, that's gotta ruin your day.

ERIC:

(not noticing her sarcasm) Totally.

FEZ:

(with a perverted smile) I hope no one minds if Laurie and I make out through the whole movie. And if you do mind, I don't give a rat's ass. Because we are doing it anyway.

THEY ALL EXIT.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. RED'S MUFFLER SHOP. RED IS IN HIS UNIFORM AND THERE IS A CAR IN HIS GARAGE, HE GRABS SOME TOOLS AND HEADS OVER TO THE CAR WITH KITTY CLOSE BEHIND HIM.

KITTY:

So, what do we do now?

RED:

Now, we fix mufflers.

KITTY:

(with a frown) But I can't do that.

RED:

(he grins) Well, I can. (a beat) I'll be under this car if you need me.

KITTY:

Now, Red, the point of me coming to work with you is so we could do something _together._

RED:

Like what, Kitty? _What_ can you and I do at a muffler shop together?

KITTY:

(she pauses, thinking and then smiles) You could teach me about mufflers.

RED:

(very sarcastically) Gosh, I'd love to, but I think I'll go poke eyes out with pencils instead.

KITTY:

Oh, it'll be fun. (to Red) So, Mr. Fancy Car Man, (she laughs and Red rolls his eyes in irritation) what does a muffler do?

RED:

(annoyed) It reduces the noise caused by the exhaust gases from the engine. (Kitty smiles and raises her hand excitedly) Oh for God's sake, Kitty, you don't have to raise your hand.

KITTY:

(very sweetly) I just have a quick question, (she pauses) is this going to get more interesting?

RED LOOKS COMPLETELY EXASPERATED AND KITTY SMILES NERVOUSLY.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT. HYDE IS SITTING ON HIS CHAIR BY HIMSELF LISTENING TO _"FOOL TO CRY" _BY THE ROLLING STONES. KELSO, FEZ AND LAURIE WALK IN. FOLLOWED BY ERIC AND DONNA.

KELSO:

with a huge smile) Man, I _love_ the muppets! (very serious) I think that's my new favorite movie. You know, I thought the TV show was enough but boy was I wrong, they needed a whole movie.

FEZ:

(sighs dreamily) Oh, that movie was beautiful.

KELSO:

(giggling) Fez cried like a girl when Kermit sang, "_The Rainbow_ _Connection_"

FEZ:

(defensively) I was crying because he is so talented. He can sing, he can act, he can even play the banjo. And he's only a frog. (angrily to Kelso) What can you do you son-of-a-bitch?

ERIC:

(looking around at the group) Why does no one else care that my life is in shambles?

HYDE:

(pointing at Eric) What the hell is the matter with him?

DONNA:

(laughing) He didn't like what he saw in the "Star Wars" preview.

KELSO:

(with a big, dopey grin) I told you, man, Leia wants to ...

ERIC:

(interrupting him) You just shut your big mouth!

LAURIE:

(with an evil smile) Boy Eric, I saw a lot of touching between Han and Leia. It's not lookin' good for Luke.

ERIC:

(his voice cracking) That's because they always try to deceive you in the trailers. Don't you worry about Luke, he'll be just fine.

FEZ:

(singing) _"Han and Leia sittin' in a tree_

_Luke is crying for his mom-my"_

ERIC:

That's not even how that song goes.

HYDE:

(grinning at Eric) Is it making you mad?

ERIC:

Yes.

HYDE:

Tell him Fez.

FEZ:

(smiling excitedly) Then that's how it goes.

JACKIE ENTERS SHE STANDS IN THE DOORWAY AND YELLS TO HYDE.

JACKIE:

Ok, Steven, let's go. I don't wanna be late for our first class. Mrs. Forman said if we get there late all the good cookies will be gone.

JACKIE EXITS AND HYDE FOLLOWS HER. HE IS STOPPED BY KELSO.

KELSO:

Oh hey, Hyde, (he pauses and gives a teasing smile) enjoy the movie.

HYDE:

What movie?

KELSO:

You'll see. But I'll tell you this, there's lots of blood and nudity.

FEZ:

Ooh, sounds good. I wanna see it too.

KELSO:

(laughing) Trust me, Fez, you don't wanna see this movie.

FEZ:

Why not? I like the plot so far.

KELSO WHISPERS INTO FEZ'S EAR. FEZ LOOKS HORRIFIED.

FEZ:

You are right. I don't want to see that movie.

HYDE:

(angrily) WHAT MOVIE, MORONS?

JACKIE:

(yelling from the stairwell) Steven! Now!

HYDE EXITS THROUGH THE BASEMENT DOOR. A FEW SECONDS PASS AND HYDE RUNS BACK IN AND FROGGS KELSO AND THEN FEZ, THEN HYDE LEAVES AGAIN.

KELSO:

(rubbing his arm he just shrugs) You know what, I don't even care. (he points at the door) Cause he's gotta watch the gross "baby being born" movie. And that's way more painful than any punch.

ERIC:

It can't be any more painful than watching Han Solo put the moves on Leia.

THEY ALL JUST TURN AND STARE AT ERIC. WHO SINKS DOWN SADLY ONTO THE COUCH.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER.

ACT 1

SCENE 6

INT. HOSPITAL CLASSROOM, THAT NIGHT. THE ROOM IS DARKENED AND ILLUMINATED BY THE GLOW FROM A MOVIE. HYDE IS SITTING DOWN AND WATCHING THE MOVIE, WITH AN EMPTY CHAIR NEXT TO HIM. THERE ARE SEVERAL OTHER COUPLES ALSO IN THE CLASSROOM. EACH COUPLE HAS THEIR OWN NEWBORN-SIZED DOLL. HYDE HAS HIS SUNGLASSES OFF AND HIS MOUTH IS HANGING OPEN. HE LOOKS A LITTLE FREAKED OUT. WE DON'T SEE THE MOVIE, WE ONLY SEE HYDE'S REACTIONS TO IT.

MOVIE NARRATOR:

(voice only) Once the baby's head emerges your doctor will suction out the nose and mouth to remove any mucus. (Hyde squishes up his face in disgust) Then just one final push and the shoulders and torso will be out. Don't be alarmed at the sight of your newborn. (Hyde's eyes widen in horror) He may be slightly bloody and have a white coating on him. Also remember that your newborn's head may have a cone shape to it from passing through the birth canal. (Hyde swallows slowly, like he's gonna be sick) The nurses will clean your baby up while the doctor helps with the delivery of the placenta. Once the doctor is finished with any stitches that may be necessary (Hyde hangs his head down and covers his face with his hands) you can relax and enjoy your baby. Your journey is complete.

THE MOVIE ENDS AND THE LIGHTS COME BACK ON. ALL THE GUYS IN THE ROOM SIT IN HORRIFIED SILENCE. HYDE STILL HASN'T LOOKED UP. KITTY IN HER NURSE'S UNIFORM WALKS TO THE FRONT OF THE CLASSROOM.

KITTY:

Any questions? (she looks nervously around at all the stunned expressions) Well, I bet you're all wishing you'd used birth control _now,_ aren't you?

KITTY LAUGHS LOUDLY AND THEN FROWNS WHEN SHE REALIZES NO ONE THINKS HER JOKE IS FUNNY.

KITTY:(cont'd)

Why don't we take a little break so you can all collect your thoughts and say a big, "I'm sorry" to your wives.

AGAIN KITTY LAUGHS, THEN SHE WALKS TOWARDS THE BACK OF THE ROOM. JACKIE WALKS UP TO JOIN HYDE. SHE SITS DOWN IN THE EMPTY SEAT NEXT TO HIM AND EATS A COOKIE.

HYDE:

(looking at Jackie) Holy crap.

JACKIE:

I know. (she looks around and grins proudly) We are definitely the hottest couple in here.

HYDE:

Jackie, were you _watching_ that movie?

JACKIE:

(she shrugs) Not really. I was at the cookie table.

HYDE:

(irritated) Lemme give you the highlights. _This_, (he grabs a doll off of the seat next to him and holds it up) has to come out of _you_.

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes) I know that part.

HYDE:

Well have you thought about how that part is supposed to work? Because I gotta tell ya, doll, I don't think it's gonna. I mean, look how tiny you are. You're almost the same size as this baby.

JACKIE:

(she covers her mouth with her hand) Oh my God, you think I'm cute and tiny.

HYDE:

JACKIE, FOCUS! Cause I'm pretty sure we've got a big problem.

JACKIE:

(with a wave of her hand) Steven, stop worrying, the baby will fit. Things rip, things stretch, it'll fit.

HYDE:

(shaking his head) Oh my God, I didn't need to hear that.

JACKIE:

Well you better get over it because in 10 weeks you're gonna _see _it.

HYDE:

I just saw it and believe me, once was enough.

JACKIE:

(fed-up with Hyde) Ok, you need to just put your sunglasses back on and calm down. What is going on with you today?

HYDE:

Nothing. (puts his sunglasses on) I'm fine.

KITTY APPROACHES THEM AND IMMEDIATELY NOTICES SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH HYDE.

KITTY:

Steven, what's wrong? You look a little flushed.

KITTY PUTS HER HAND ON HYDE'S FOREHEAD AND HE QUICKLY PUSHES IT AWAY.

HYDE:

Nothing is wrong with me. Will you two just leave me alone.

KITTY:

(with a nervous smile) I don't really believe you, but ok. Just, try and compose yourself because we're moving onto Lamaze now. And if you're flustered you're going to hyperventilate.

KITTY HEADS BACK UP TO THE FRONT OF THE ROOM.

HYDE:

(to Jackie) What the hell is Lamaze?

JACKIE:

It's basically laying on the floor and panting.

HYDE:

(trying to make a joke) I think that's pretty much how we got here in the first place.

JACKIE SHOOTS HYDE A NASTY LOOK AND HE HANGS HIS HEAD BACK DOWN.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT. LATER THAT NIGHT. THE SONG, _"ROCK LOBSTER" _BY THE B-52S IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

CIRCLE

HYDE:

(shaking his head) I'm telling you guys, this movie was horrifying. I would gladly give up a toe or something to go back in time and not have to see that movie.

CUT TO KELSO

KELSO:

(with a big open-mouthed grin) Man, how the hell do they make those Muppets walk?

CUT TO FEZ

FEZ:

(seriously, like he's thinking) Well, you can't really _make_ them. You kind of just have to _encourage_ them. (he laughs at his own joke)

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

(very paranoid) You guys, what am I gonna do? What if Leia _does _wanna do it with Han? My world is crumbling around me. (yells melodramatically) Why, George Lucas, why?

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

Forman I'm real sorry that Leia realized that Luke is a wimp and Han is a stud but I'm a real person with real problems. Exhibit A - (he holds up the doll from the baby class) _this_ is gonna come out of Jackie. How? (starting to lose it) You guys tell me how in the hell is that gonna happen? You've seen Jackie, it's never gonna work. They're gonna have to figure out some other way to get the kid out.

CUT TO KELSO

KELSO:

Relax, Hyde, if Muppets can have babies than Jackie can do it.

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

(angrily) Kelso, Muppets don't have babies. Because Muppets, aren't real.

CUT TO KELSO

KELSO:

(with a frown) Why do you gotta hurt me like that, Hyde?

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

(getting very worked up) You know, I hope Leia realizes that if she and Han have babies they won't be Jedis. That'll teach her for dumping Luke.

CUT TO FEZ

FEZ:

(with a mellow smile, to Hyde) You need to relax my frizzy-haired-freaking-out friend. Enjoy the circle and the good tunes. (sings) _"Rock, Rock, Rock Lobster!"_

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

The circle isn't helping, man. The circle is making things worse. (waving the doll around spastically) The circle is making the head look bigger. (the doll's head falls off) Holy crap. I killed the doll. I can't have a kid, his head is gonna fall off. If our kid's head falls off Jackie'll kill me!

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

Hyde, where'd you get the doll?

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

I stole it.

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

You stole a doll from my mom's baby class?

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

I had to steal it, man, I needed something to distract me from that freaking movie.

CUT TO KELSO

KELSO:

Here's a question ...

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

(angrily) Kelso, I swear to God if your question is about the Muppets, or Star Wars I'm gonna take off my boot and beat you with it.

CUT TO KELSO

KELSO:

No, this is a serious question. (he pauses) What the hell is a rock lobster anyway?

CUT TO FEZ

FEZ:

(with a contemplative look) Maybe it's like a Muppet.

A BOOT COMES FLYING THROUGH THE AIR, JUST MISSING FEZ'S HEAD. HE CASUALLY DUCKS OUT OF THE WAY.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT. RED AND KITTY'S BEDROOM. LATE THAT NIGHT. THE LIGHTS ARE OFF AND RED IS LAYING DOWN WITH HIS EYES CLOSED. KITTY IS SITTING UP AND SHE KEEPS SIGHING VERY LOUDLY. RED FINALLY OPENS HIS EYES AND LOOKS AT HER.

RED:

You know, I can still fall asleep even with you doing that.

KITTY:

Red, what do we do together?

RED:

This is one of those questions that I won't answer right no matter what I say, isn't it?

KITTY:

(ignoring him) We don't have a "thing". We don't play tennis, we don't drive across country in an RV, we don't belong to a book club. Why don't we belong to a book club, Red?

RED:

Because I hate books and I hate people.

KITTY:

Alright, well how about the RV thing? (getting excited) We could be one of those couples that tours the country together all summer, and then we could come home and share our stories with everyone and we would be such a hit at parties.

RED:

(getting annoyed) Kitty, if we bought an RV 10 kids would come with us every damn place we went. And Bob would probably want to drive it and you know I can't stand driving with Bob.

KITTY:

(with a sigh) I just wish we had something we could do together.

RED:

(he grins and scoots closer to Kitty) I know something we can do together.

RED PUS HIS ARM AROUND KITTY, SHE THROWS IT OFF AND TURNS OVER, CLEARLY IRRITATED WITH RED.

KITTY:

Oh please, if you want to do that you're going to have to do it by yourself.

KITTY CLOSES HER EYES AND RED LOOKS VERY ANNOYED.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT FORMAN BASEMENT. VERY LATE THAT NIGHT. ERIC IS PACING BACK AND FORTH BEHIND THE COUCH. FEZ AND LAURIE ARE SNUGGLED UP ON THE COUCH AND DONNA'S NEXT TO THEM WITH HER FEET UP ON THE TABLE AND HER HEAD BACK. KELSO IS SPRAWLED OUT IN THE LAWN CHAIR. THEY ALL LOOK LIKE THEY'RE GOING TO FALL ASLEEP. EXCEPT FOR ERIC, WHO IS DEEP IN THOUGHT.

ERIC:

The preview didn't actually show them kissing, right? I mean all it really showed were some shared looks, _maybe _a little touching, oh and him falling on top of her as a bunch of snow fell on them. I didn't even realize they _had_ snow in space.

DONNA:

(very annoyed) Oh will you just _SHUT UP_! It's two in the morning, I wanna go home. Han and Leia are gonna do it and Luke's gonna be left out in the cold so get over it.

LAURIE:

Yeah, Eric, I mean Kelso got over me and Fez doing it.

KELSO:

(lifts his head up to nod) That's true, man, I did.

FEZ:

(singing happily) _"Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection_

_The lovers, the dreamers and me"_ (he sighs, dreamily) Kermit is such a wise frog.

DONNA:

(looking around at her friends) We all need to spend less time in the circle.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER.

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, THE NEXT MORNING. HYDE IS SITTING AT THE TABLE HAVING A CUP OF COFFEE. HE LOOKS LOST IN HIS THOUGHTS. RED ENTERS FROM THE LIVING ROOM IN HIS UNIFORM, FOLLOWED CLOSELY BY KITTY.

KITTY:

(to Red) So, I thought today you could teach me about brakes. Doesn't that sound like fun?

RED:

(very cranky) Kitty, if I buy an RV will you stop coming to the shop with me?

THEY BOTH STOP WHEN THEY NOTICE HYDE SITTING AT THE TABLE. HYDE LOOKS A LITTLE GUILTY WHEN HE SEES RED AND KITTY.

KITTY:

Steven, what are you doing here, doesn't Jackie have an appointment with Dr. Fontana today? (getting a little excited) Ooh, does she need me to go with her again?

RED:

(to Hyde) Please say the answer is, "yes".

HYDE:

No, I'm gonna go. (trying to think of something to say) I just wanted to have some coffee and we don't have any at home because we ... (he pauses) because Jackie ate it.

RED:

Steven, why do you look guilty? (he points accusingly at Hyde) You did something stupid, didn't you?

HYDE:

(pauses and then nods) There's a possibility that I may have been an ass.

KITTY:

Well don't worry, Steven, (she stares at Red) Red's an ass every day and it never seems to bother him.

RED:

Kitty, for God's sake we're not talking about me being an ass, we're talking about Steven being an ass.

KITTY:

Fine, but we're coming back to you later.

RED:

(sits down at the table) Alright, Steven, what's the problem? Did you forget a birthday? Scuff up her shoes, call her crazy?

KITTY:

(whispers to Hyde) Red's done all of those things.

HYDE PAUSES, LIKE HE'S UNSURE WHAT TO SAY AND VERY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THE WHOLE SITUATION.

HYDE:

(flatly) I don't know how to be a father.

RED:

Is that it? (he chuckles) Every man feels that way. If you don't feel that way you're one of those girly guys and then you've got a whole other set of problems.

HYDE:

Yeah, but I really don't know what I'm doing. I've never even held a baby before. What am I supposed to do if it cries?

KITTY:

(sits down on the other side of Hyde) Well, what do you do when Jackie cries?

HYDE:

(starting to get worked up) I come get you.

KITTY:

(nervously) Ok, bad example. (she pauses, thinking) Steven, did you know how to be a boyfriend or a husband?

HYDE:

No.

KITTY:

(with a smile) You seem to be doing ok at that.

HYDE:

That's probably debatable right now.

RED:

You'll learn as you go. The first kid is sort of a guinea pig. You try things out on them. Some things work, some things don't.

KITTY:

For example, I probably should've read more to Laurie when she was a child.

HYDE PAUSES, AND SUDDENLY GETS VERY SERIOUS.

HYDE:

What if I'm like Bud and Edna?

KITTY:

(quietly) Oh, Steven. Is that what you're worried about? Sweetie, you are nothing like them. You're a good boy, and you're going to be a great dad. And Red and I will be here to help you.

RED:

Steven, when babies cry, you hold them. When they're hungry, you feed them. And when neither of those works, you go get your wife.

KITTY:

(very sweetly) If you love your baby like you love Jackie, you're gonna be just fine. (with a wave of her hand) And if you come to the rest of my parenting classes I'll teach you how to do the other stuff. (she laughs)

HYDE:

(to Kitty) You're not gonna show that movie again are you?

KITTY:

No, but we will be showing one on breast-feeding.

HYDE:

I think I might have to cut class that day.

HYDE SMIRKS AND GIVES KITTY A QUICK KISS ON THE CHEEK, THEN HE STANDS TO LEAVE.

KITTY:

Does this mean Jackie won't be needing me to come to her appointment?

HYDE:

I think I've got it covered.

KITTY:

(a little pouty) Ok, well I get the next one.

KITTY GETS UP AND HEADS OVER TO THE SINK. HYDE TURNS TO LEAVE WHEN RED STANDS UP AND LEANS IN QUIETLY TO TALK TO HIM..

RED:

Oh Steven, just one more piece of advice; (he looks to make sure Kitty's not listening) when the baby wakes up screaming at three am, pretend you're asleep and you'll be in the clear.

HYDE:

(nods) Good to know.

HYDE EXITS THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR. RED TURNS BACK TO KITTY, WHO NOW HAS A HUGE SMILE ON HER FACE.

RED:

What are you grinning about?

KITTY:

Us.

RED:

Oh crap, what did we do now?

KITTY:

(putting her arms around Red's waist) _This_ is what we do together, Red. (she smiles) We're parents together, and we're a husband and wife together. And _that's_ our thing.

RED:

(he pauses and grins) We're pretty good at it, too.

KITTY:

You bet your bottom we are.

RED LAUGHS AND HE AND KITTY KISS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 5

INT. DR FONTANA'S OFFICE, THAT AFTERNOON. JACKIE SITS BY HERSELF ON THE EXAM TABLE, RUBBING HER BELLY. THE DOOR OPENS AND HYDE SLOWLY WALKS IN. HE HOOKS HIS SUNGLASSES ONTO HIS SHIRT AND GIVES JACKIE A SMALL GRIN.

JACKIE:

(sadly) I didn't think you were gonna come.

HYDE:

(with a smirk) I didn't wanna leave you alone with Dr. Sexy.

JACKIE:

(she angrily points to the door) Steven, if you're just here to make jokes then leave.

HYDE:

I'm not here to make jokes.

JACKIE:

Oh I see, well if you're here to be a jerk you can do that later too.

HYDE:

Jackie, will you just shut up for a minute and let me talk. (he takes a deep breath) When I felt the baby move yesterday, it hit me ... I'm gonna be a dad. (he takes a long pause) And it scared the hell out of me.

JACKIE:

(with a pout) Why didn't you tell me that instead of being a jerk?

HYDE:

Because, I'm much better at being a jerk than (he pauses and looks very irritated) talking about my feelings. (he grins) But everything's cool now. (he smiles proudly) I got my Zen back.

JACKIE:

(very relieved) Well thank God, because I don't like it when you freak out.(she smiles) You're sexier when you're tough and emotionless. So no more freaking out, ok?

HYDE:

(Zen) That's cool.

JACKIE:

Even if _I_ freak out.

HYDE:

Whatever.

SHE LAUGHS AND HE GRABS HER FACE AND KISSES HER.

HYDE:

(with a teasing grin) I must be a really good teacher because you've managed to stay very Zen young grasshopper.

JACKIE:

(she shrugs) I just keep reminding myself that I'm not gonna feel a thing, I'll be so loaded up with drugs, I'm barely gonna be conscious.

HYDE:

(with a wicked smile) That sounds good, I'm gonna do that, too.

JACKIE:

Nice try, buddy.

HYDE HOPS UP ON THE EXAM TABLE NEXT TO JACKIE AND VERY SLOWLY PUTS HIS HAND ON HER TUMMY. SHE PUTS HER HAND OVER HIS AND MOVES IT TO ANOTHER SPOT, THEN SHE NERVOUSLY GLANCES AT HYDE. HE SEEMS TO BE MOMENTARILY SPEECHLESS.

HYDE:

(with a grin) What did you do to this kid to piss him off so bad?

JACKIE PLAYFULLY SLAPS HIM AND THEN SHE LAYS HER HEAD DOWN ON HIS SHOULDER. THEY SIT IN SILENCE WITH HIS HAND ON HER BELLY FOR A FEW SECONDS. THEN DR. FONTANA ENTERS.

DR. FONTANA:

Well, how are you three doing today?

HYDE:

I'm good, but this kid is kicking the crap out of Jackie.

JACKIE:

Dr. Fontana, the baby is insane, she's kicking me all over the place. (pouting) And she kicks _hard_.

HYDE:

(under his breath) Just like her mom. (Jackie rolls her eyes)

DR. FONTANA:

(to Jackie) Did you do all the things I suggested?

HYDE HOPS DOWN OFF OF THE TABLE AND STANDS NEXT TO JACKIE. DR. FONTANA GETS OUT HIS STETHOSCOPE AND PUTS IT ON JACKIE'S BELLY.

JACKIE:

(she nods) I did, I cut out the spicy food, I cut down on the sugar ...

HYDE RAISES AN EYEBROW AT JACKIE AND SHE ELBOWS HIM IN THE RIBS AND CONTINUES TALKING.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

- but she's still kicking me in the ribs _and_ the back _and_ the bladder, and pretty much everywhere else.

DR. FONTANA:

(moving his stethoscope around on Jackie's belly) Jackie, I'm going to want you to meet me at the hospital tomorrow, there's a machine there called an ultrasound that can actually take a look inside your uterus.

JACKIE:

(nervously) Why is something wrong?

DR. FONTANA:

No, no everything's fine. (he pauses and smiles) I just want to get a look at them.

HYDE:

Excuse me?

DR. FONTANA:

There are two heartbeats. That means two babies. You're having twins.

JACKIE AND HYDE LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN STUNNED SILENCE. THEN HYDE STARTS LAUGHING VERY STRANGELY AND UNNATURALLY.

HYDE:

Holy crap, I thought he said we were having twins. (starting to lose it) Why would he say that, Jackie? (quickly to Dr. Fontana) Why would you say that?

JACKIE:

(shaking her head like she doesn't quite understand) Are you sure? I mean, why didn't you know about this before?

DR. FONTANA:

Well, babies like to hide behind each other and move around. So, often we don't hear the second heartbeat until they're a little bigger.

JACKIE:

(like it's starting to sink in) Two babies?

DR. FONTANA:

(with a chuckle) Two babies.

HYDE IS STILL MOTIONLESS, WITH HIS MOUTH HANGING OPEN. BUT A SMILE BEGINS TO CREEP ONTO JACKIE'S FACE.

JACKIE:

(slowly) Two babies. (suddenly she grabs Hyde's face in her hands and kisses him) Steven, do you realize what this means? (ecstatically rambling) I'll be able to dress them alike and they'll be best friends and they'll be able to read each other's minds and switch places with each other to play jokes on us and ... oh my God, twins, Steven! This is amazing! (she starts kissing him again)

HYDE DOESN'T MOVE A MUSCLE, HE LOOKS COMPLETELY STUNNED. JACKIE FINALLY TAKES NOTICE OF HIS CONDITION.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

(with a cautious grin) Puddin' Pop?

DR. FONTANA:

Steven, are you alright?

JACKIE:

Steven!

JACKIE CLAPS LOUDLY RIGHT NEXT TO HYDE'S FACE. HE STILL DOESN'T MOVE. SHE GETS DOWN OFF OF THE EXAM TABLE AND TRIES TO PULL HYDE TOWARDS THE DOOR.

JACKIE:

Remember that Zen, Steven. (like she's talking to a child) Ok, let's just get you home and put you in a circle. Come on, baby, everything's gonna be just fine. (with a bitchy yell to Dr. Fontana) A little help here!

DR. FONTANA TAKES HYDE BY THE ARM AND STARTS PULLING HIM TOWARDS THE DOOR.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT. THE SONG _"NEW KID IN TOWN"_ BY THE EAGLES PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

CIRCLE

FEZ:

(singing) _"Hyde and Jackie sittin' in a tree_

_Now they're having **two** babies"_

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

(with mocking laughter) Congratulations, Hyde. You got a two-for-one deal. (yelling) OH MY GOD am I glad I'm not you!

CUT TO DONNA

DONNA:

(angrily) Him? How would you like to be Jackie? Now she's gotta squeeze out _two_ kids. I outta kick your ass Hyde!

CUT TO FEZ

FEZ:

Donna, give the poor guy a break. (staring at Hyde with a mix of horror and concern) He does not look good.

CUT TO HYDE WHO IS SITTING STUNNED AND MOTIONLESS WITH HIS MOUTH HANGING OPEN. HIS SUNGLASSES ARE STILL HOOKED ONTO THE FRONT OF HIS SHIRT.

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

(paranoid) Should we be concerned that we've been at this for an hour now and Hyde still hasn't talked?

CUT TO DONNA

DONNA:

If you're gonna worry about someone worry about Kelso.

CUT TO KELSO WHO IS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY AND POINTING AT HYDE, BUT NO SOUND IS COMING OUT OF HIS MOUTH.

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

(with lots of wild hand gestures) See what all your dirty urges have done, Hyde? Now Kelso's insane and you're catatonic. I hope you've learned your lesson, pal.

CUT TO HYDE WHO JUST SITS THERE, STARING.

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

(nervously) Ok, somebody put his sunglasses on, his eyes are freaking me out.

CUT TO HYDE

A HAND APPEARS, GRABS THE SUNGLASSES OFF HYDE'S SHIRT AND PUTS THEM ON HIS FACE. HYDE REMAINS IN HIS FROZEN STATE.

ERIC:

(off-camera) Thank you.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"Do It Again"

Eric decides the time has come to propose to Donna. Again. And Jackie spends the day with people's hands on her belly waiting for the babies to kick.


	21. Do It Again

"Do It Again"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Steely Dan.

I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disaster that was Season 8. This would be episode 8-14.

Thanks for your reviews. You guys are so awesome!

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN DINING ROOM, EVENING. RED, KITTY, HYDE, JACKIE, LAURIE AND FEZ ARE ALL SITTING DOWN AND HAVING DINNER. JACKIE IS LOADING SCOOP AFTER SCOOP OF POTATOES ON HER PLATE WHILE EVERYONE WATCHES HER. HYDE HAS A VERY AMUSED LOOK ON HIS FACE.

JACKIE:

Mrs. Forman, these potatoes are _so_ good.

HYDE:

(with a wicked grin) You know, Jackie ...

RED:

(under his breath, to Hyde) Don't do it.

KITTY:

The weather man said we're going to get ten inches of snow tomorrow.

FEZ:

(with an angry frown) Every year, as I am enjoying our beautiful Wisconsin summers I forget that your white man's winter is just around the corner waiting for me. Waiting to pounce on me and freeze my little men.

RED:

Steven, did you go buy that snow blower like I told you too?

HYDE:

Yep.

JACKIE:

(putting a hand on Hyde's arm) I can't believe we own a snow blower, God, we are so grown-up.

HYDE:

(grinning sarcastically) Yeah, the fact we're having twins adds nothing to our maturity level. But a snow blower, now that says responsible adult.

KITTY:

(starts clapping excitedly) Oh, twins!

RED:

(slightly irritated) Kitty, do you have to do that every time someone mentions the word twins?

HYDE:

Hey, every time I hear someone mention the word twins I blackout for a few seconds.

RED:

Laurie, how about you and the morons, are you all set for the storm?

LAURIE:

(she shrugs) I guess. I mean we've got plenty of beer and lots of frozen pizzas so we should be ok.

FEZ:

(smiling at Laurie) She thinks of everything.

KITTY:

Well this is just so lovely, the whole family sitting down for dinner.

RED:

(frowning at Kitty) You're not going to cry, are you? Because crying really puts a damper on dinner.

HYDE:

(grinning as he watches Jackie add more food to her plate)So does running out of food.

JACKIE CALMLY TURNS TO HYDE AND GIVES HIM A NASTY GLARE.

JACKIE:

Steven, I'm eating for not one, not two, but three people. How many people are you eating for?

HYDE:

(nervously) One?

JACKIE:

Exactly, so shut it!

RED:

(smiling at Hyde) You just couldn't let it go, could you?

HYDE SHRUGS AND GOES BACK TO HIS FOOD. ERIC COMES INTO THE DINING ROOM FROM THE KITCHEN. HE LOOKS AROUND AT EVERYONE EATING.

ERIC:

Explain to me again why I have to eat in the kitchen?

RED:

(to Eric) Steven got married and moved out. Laurie got married and moved out. When you get married and move out, you can eat in the dining room.

THE KIDS ALL GET A GOOD LAUGH AT ERIC'S EXPENSE AND HE SHUFFLES BACK INTO THE KITCHEN.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. A BAR, THE SAME TIME. DONNA AND KELSO ARE PLAYING POOL AND HAVING SOME BEERS. _"BACK IN THE SADDLE" _BY AEROSMITH PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

KELSO:

(laughing to himself) Man, I can't believe Hyde is having twins.

DONNA:

Kelso, we found out a week ago, will you get over it already.

KELSO:

Donna, this is like the sweetest burn of all time. You don't just "get over it", you cherish it. It's almost as good a burn as Eric not showing up for your wedding.

DONNA:

(angrily waves her pool cue at him) Are you sure you wanna piss me off while I'm holding a large stick? And, for the record, Eric didn't bail on our wedding to burn me. He did it because he didn't want us to regret it later on in life.

KELSO:

(smiling) Whatever, it was still a sweet burn Donna.

DONNA WHACKS HIM ON THE ARM WITH HER POOL CUE.

KELSO:

OW! Ok, nobody's ever gonna marry you if you keep hitting!

DONNA:

Yeah well, nobody's ever gonna wanna do it with you if I whack you in your pretty-boy face so shut the hell up!

KELSO:

(nods) Good point, I'm done talking now.

THEY GO BACK TO PLAYING POOL IN SILENCE. A FEW SECOND PASS AND DONNA WHACKS KELSO ON THE ARM AGAIN.

KELSO:

(yells spastically) OW! DAMN, DONNA! I was being quiet, why did you hit me?

DONNA:

Because I'm a little pissed at Eric and he's not here and you are.

KELSO:

(looks really mad, but then he pauses like he's thinking and shrugs) Fair enough.

THEY GO BACK TO PLAYING POOL.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT. ERIC IS SITTING IN THE LAWN CHAIR PLAYING SOLITAIRE AND LISTENING TO, _"THE LOGICAL SONG" _BY SUPERTRAMP. LAURIE, FEZ, HYDE AND JACKIE WALK DOWN THE STAIRS. LAURIE SMILES EVILLY AS SOON AS SHE SEES ERIC PLAYING CARDS BY HIMSELF.

LAURIE:

How was the kitchen, loser?

ERIC:

It was lovely, thank you.

HYDE TAKES HIS SEAT AND JACKIE SINKS DOWN ONTO THE COUCH WITH A LOT OF DIFFICULTY. LAURIE AND FEZ CUDDLE UP ON THE COUCH.

FEZ:

Oh, Eric, I feel sad for you, but happy for me. So really, I don't feel that sad for you.

ERIC:

(to Laurie) How is it that you can marry Fez and you're still the favorite? You two are like the weirdest, most perverted couple in the history of time. Watching you two together is like watching an episode of "Wild Kingdom" and not a cool episode where animals kill each other, but a gross episode where the animals mate in a jungle somewhere.

FEZ:

(confused) Wait, who did you burn there? Me or Laurie?

HYDE:

(to Fez) I think it was a little bit of both, buddy.

FEZ:

(smiles at Eric) Well then, bravo on the double burn.

JACKIE:

Eric, Fez and Laurie are like the dirty version of "Sleeping Beauty". See, when Laurie kissed Fez she woke him up from his life of hiding in closets and being a disgusting pervert. And Fez saved her from a fate worse then death - a life as a skeezy whore.

FEZ:

Jackie, that was beautiful.

ERIC:

(whining) That's not beautiful. Donna and I are beautiful. We're a classic love story, boy meets girl as a child, boy gets girl as a teenager, boy loses girl but gets girl back ...

HYDE:

(interrupting him) Boy proposes to girl and then ditches her at the altar.

JACKIE:

Yeah, that's not that great of a fairy tale, Eric. It's like a bad after-school special.

LAURIE:

(triumphantly) Just face it, Eric, I'm the favorite and you're, not.

ERIC:

You're only the favorite because you cast some sort of evil spell over mom and dad to make them love you more.

FEZ:

(smiling dreamily at Laurie) You cast a spell on me, (huskily) and made me your sex slave.

ERIC:

(pouting) And now that Hyde's having a baby he's passed me up to be the second favorite.

HYDE:

That's not true. (a beat) I've always been the second favorite.

JACKIE:

(talking into her stomach) Stop beating each other up in there. (she looks back at the gang) Sorry, they're really violent.

ERIC:

Of course they are, they're Hyde's kids.

LAURIE PUTS HER HAND ON JACKIE'S BELLY.

LAURIE:

Get them to move again, I wanna feel it.

JACKIE:

They kind of just move when they want to. I can't make them.

LAURIE:

(with a ditzy smile) Sure you can, (she leans down and talks into Jackie's stomach) hey babies, it's your Auntie Laurie, do it again.

A SECOND PASSES AND THEN LAURIE AND JACKIE BOTH SMILE.

JACKIE:

Wow, they did it.

LAURIE:

(she shrugs) I'm really good at making people do things.

FEZ:

(nods) That's true.

JACKIE:

(excitedly) Oh my God, so am I.

HYDE:

(points at Jackie) Also true.

FEZ:

Ok, now I want to feel it too. Hyde, may I put my hand on your wife's stomach?

ERIC:

Wow, now there's an interesting question.

HYDE:

Sure, buddy, knock yourself out. There's room for everybody.

FEZ SCOOTS CLOSER TO LAURIE AND JACKIE AND VERY AWKWARDLY PLACES HIS HAND ON JACKIE'S BELLY.

FEZ:

(leaning over to talk into Jackie's stomach) Hello Hyde and Jackie's babies, it is I, your Uncle Fez.

LAURIE:

Say "hi" to Uncle Fez, babies.

A FEW SECONDS PASS AND THEN FEZ JUMPS UP OFF OF THE COUCH.

FEZ:

(with a stunned expression) Oh my God, Jackie has something moving around in her stomach. That is fascinating. (a beat) And also a little terrifying, but mostly fascinating.

FEZ SITS BACK DOWN NEXT TO LAURIE AND PUTS HIS HAND BACK ON JACKIE'S STOMACH.

ERIC:

Well now _I_ wanna feel it, too.

ERIC CROSSES OVER TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUCH AND SITS ON THE ARM THEN HE PUTS HIS HAND ON JACKIE'S STOMACH. SO NOW JACKIE HAS LAURIE, FEZ AND ERIC'S HANDS ON HER BELLY. HYDE WATCHES IN AMUSEMENT FROM HIS CHAIR.

HYDE:

(sarcastically) Everybody comfy?

THEY ALL SIT, WAITING FOR THE BABIES TO KICK AND NOTHING HAPPENS.

ERIC:

Ok, how come they're not doing anything?

LAURIE:

(to Eric) Maybe they don't like you.

ERIC:

(to Laurie) Well maybe I don't like you!

JACKIE:

(yells at Eric and Laurie) Stop fighting, you're ruining the moment!

SUDDENLY EVERYONE LOOKS DOWN TO JACKIE'S BELLY, THE BABIES HAVE KICKED AGAIN.

ERIC:

Huh, so Jackie gets mad and the babies kick. Interesting.

HYDE:

And fitting, considering when Jackie gets mad _she_ kicks.

JACKIE SMILES AND EVERYBODY TURNS THEIR ATTENTION BACK TO HER STOMACH.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT JACKIE AND HYDE'S HOUSE, LATER THAT NIGHT. THEY ARE ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV. THEY BOTH HAVE THEIR FEET UP ON THE COFFEE TABLE. JACKIE HAS HER HEAD ON HYDE'S SHOULDER AND SHE HAS A BAG OF CHIPS ON HER BABY BUMP THAT HYDE IS EATING OUT OF. DONNA ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.

DONNA:

Hey guys.

JACKIE:

Donna, you really should knock. What if we had been fooling around.

DONNA:

Then you should lock the door.

HYDE:

(with a sexy smirk) Yeah, but then there wouldn't be the added element of the possibility that someone could walk in on us.

JACKIE:

(smiles and nods) He's right, that's hot.

DONNA SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH ON THE OTHER SIDE OF JACKIE. SHE NOTICES THE CHIPS ON JACKIE'S BELLY.

DONNA:

Jackie ...

JACKIE:

What?

DONNA:

There's a bag of potato chips on your stomach.

JACKIE:

So?

DONNA:

So, (she points to Hyde) you're letting him use you as a coffee table.

JACKIE:

I told him he couldn't put his beer on me. What more do you want from me, Donna?

DONNA:

(rolling her eyes) Whatever. How was dinner?

HYDE:

Food was good. (he grins) The burn on Forman was better.

DONNA:

What burn?

HYDE:

The one where Red wouldn't let him eat with us because he's an unmarried freeloader.

DONNA:

Huh, just think if Eric had only showed up for our wedding he could eat at the grown-ups table.

HYDE:

Yep. (he laughs evilly)

DONNA:

(getting pissed) You know, you're the second dill hole tonight who thought that was funny. I'm gonna kick your ass.

HYDE:

(with a smirk and a mouthful of chips) Ok, but can we move away from Jackie before you do it.

JACKIE:

(with her hand on her chest, touched) Aww, thank you, baby.

HYDE GIVES JACKIE A CROOKED GRIN AND A NOD.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

And you, (she points at Donna) go easy on Steven. He's had a rough week. He just regained his power of speech three days ago.

HYDE:

Donna, are you freaking out about something? Cause if you are I can whip up a circle real quick, it's not a problem.

DONNA:

I'm not freaking out, it's just I happen to be a little sensitive to the fact that I was left at the altar. (to Jackie) I think you're finally rubbing off on me. You're a bad influence, Jackie.

JACKIE:

I am not. I'm a good influence. Just look at Steven. (she smiles, lovingly at Hyde)

DONNA:

(looking at Hyde) Jackie, he's eating potato chips off of your huge pregnant stomach.

JACKIE:

Well at least he's not in prison, which is where he was headed without me in his life.

HYDE:

I like it better here.

JACKIE:

(smiles at Hyde) Of course you do, because I'm here.

HYDE:

(with a grin) And my chips are here.

HYDE LEANS IN AND GIVES JACKIE A KISS. DONNA WATCHES THEM IN DISGUST.

DONNA:

You guys are insane, you know that right?

JACKIE:

Cheer up, Donna.

HYDE:

Yeah, have a chip.

DONNA RELUCTANTLY LAUGHS AND GRABS A CHIP OUT OF THE BAG. JACKIE LAYS HER HEAD BACK DOWN ON HYDE'S SHOULDER AND THEY ALL GO BACK TO WATCHING THE TV

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. GROOVES, THE NEXT AFTERNOON. THERE ARE A COUPLE OF CUSTOMERS IN THE STORE AND THE SONG, _"BABY'S A ROCK 'N' ROLLER" _BY TOM PETTY PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. FEZ IS SITTING ON A CHAIR IN THE LISTENING PIT READING A MAGAZINE. LAURIE AND JACKIE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH, LAURIE IS HOLDING A MAGAZINE AND THEY'RE BOTH LOOKING AT IT. JACKIE HAS A PAIR OF HEADPHONES STRETCHED ACROSS HER STOMACH. HYDE IS WALKING AROUND THE STORE PICKING UP RECORDS. ERIC ENTERS THROUGH THE DOOR FROM THE FORCE. HE CRACKS A SMILE WHEN HE SEES JACKIE.

ERIC:

Jackie, why do you have headphones on your stomach?

JACKIE:

Steven says I have to play all these records for the babies.

ERIC PICKS UP THE STACK OF RECORDS AND FLIPS THROUGH THEM, HYDE MAKES HIS WAY OVER TO THE LISTENING PIT.

ERIC:

(reading the records) The Doors, Kiss, The Stones ...

HYDE:

(with a grin) Yeah, I'm trying to cancel out Jackie's bad-taste-in-music gene.

LAURIE:

(to Hyde) Too bad she can't cancel out your bad-hair gene.

FEZ:

(smiling at Hyde) Ahhhh burn.

ERIC:

(to Fez and Hyde) Hey, can I talk to you guys for a second?

FEZ:

Can I have a free magazine if I listen to you attentively?

ERIC:

Yeah fine, whatever.

FEZ:

(claps his hands) Good, then I am in.

FEZ GETS OUT OF HIS CHAIR AND HEADS OFF. HYDE GIVES JACKIE A QUICK KISS.

HYDE:

(to Jackie) Watch the store for me, baby.

FEZ AND HYDE FOLLOW ERIC INTO THE FORCE.

JACKIE:

(calling after Hyde) Don't hurry back.

HYDE:

(calls to Jackie over his shoulder) Oh hey, just in case your little Bee Gee lovin' brain is thinking about playing disco to my kids, don't bother. I hid all the crappy records.

HYDE GRINS AND JACKIE POUTS AS THE THREE GUYS EXIT INTO THE FORCE.

CUT TO LAURIE AND JACKIE ON THE COUCH.

JACKIE:

(quickly, to Laurie) Alright, we've got about 2 minutes to find those records.

LAURIE:

Five if they go into Eric's magazine room.

JACKIE NODS IN AGREEMENT AS LAURIE STANDS UP.

CUT TO INT. THE FORCE. THE SONG, _"CRUEL TO BE KIND" _BY NICK LOWE PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. THE GUYS ARE GATHERED AROUND ERIC'S REGISTER. THERE ARE A FEW CUSTOMERS WANDERING AROUND THE STORE.

HYDE:

Alright, Forman, make it quick cause if we leave Jackie and Laurie alone in there too long one of them's gonna find an ABBA album.

ERIC:

(leaning into the guys) You guys have to swear to me that you won't tell Jackie and Laurie.

FEZ:

(shaking his head) No can do, my friend.

HYDE:

He's right, I can't keep secrets from Jackie.

ERIC:

(he points to Fez) I'll give you free magazines for a year, (he points to Hyde) and I'll give _you_ a very large brown paper bag.

FEZ:

(with a big smile) My lips are sealed.

HYDE:

You just bought yourself some silence, Forman.

ERIC:

(pauses and takes a deep breath) I'm gonna propose to Donna.

HYDE:

(raising an eyebrow) Again?

ERIC:

Yes, again.

FEZ:

(excitedly) I say go for it. Hop on board the Love Train with us my friend.

HYDE:

(very sarcastically) Forman, just cause all the cool kids are doin' it doesn't mean you have to get married. Don't give into the peer pressure, man.

ERIC:

(ignoring Hyde) See, I was watching you guys last night in the dining room and I thought, 'that's it, that's what I want'.

HYDE:

So, lemme get this straight. You wanna propose to Donna, _again_, so you can eat in the dining room? I gotta tell you, Forman, the dining room's not that great. Personally, I prefer the kitchen.

ERIC:

That's not why I wanna propose to Donna. (he pauses, thinking) Although it would be nice to not have to eat alone in the kitchen. I wanna propose to her because I love her and I wanna spend the rest of my life with her.

FEZ:

Oh Eric, that is so beautiful.

HYDE:

(with a mocking smile) Yeah, Forman. Real nice.

ERIC:

(getting irritated) Man, what the hell? I thought you guys would understand.

HYDE:

Forman, you weren't here to see Donna after you didn't show up for the wedding. She was really hurt, man.

FEZ:

(nodding in agreement) And violent. She pushed Hyde off the water tower, and he is very strong so you can only imagine how angry Donna must have been.

HYDE:

(suddenly, very sincere) I'm telling you, man - if you do this again, if you propose to her and you bail (he pauses) you won't get Donna back this time.

ERIC:

Hyde, you don't have to remind me what I did ok. I think about it every day. But this time it's different.

HYDE:

Forman, don't do this if you're not sure.

ERIC:

(angrily) Oh screw you, Hyde, what you're some kind of expert on relationships now? (to Fez) Or you, you only married Laurie to stay in the country. Why am I even wasting my time talking to you guys?

HYDE:

(sarcastically) I'm sure Kelso's available, you could go talk to him.

FEZ:

Eric, we are just trying to help. Because we love you and ... oh Eric, please do not be mad at me.

FEZ STARTS TO TEAR UP AND HE GRABS ERIC AND HUGS HIM VERY TIGHTLY.

ERIC:

(his voice cracking) Get off me, man!

ERIC PUSHES FEZ OFF OF HIM AND STARES, ANGRILY, AT HYDE. HYDE FINALLY BREAKS THE STARE-DOWN AND HEADS BACK TOWARDS GROOVES.

HYDE:

Whatever, man. I've gotta get Jackie home.

HYDE EXITS LEAVING BEHIND A VERY ANGRY ERIC AND A VERY NERVOUS LOOKING FEZ. THEY STAND IN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE, FEZ LOOKS LIKE HE'S DESPERATELY TRYING TO THINK OF SOMETHING TO SAY.

FEZ:

(smiling, nervously at Eric) So, it will be wonderful to have you and Donna join us in the dining room.

ERIC SLOWLY LOOKS AT FEZ WHO JUST SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 6

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, THAT EVENING. JACKIE AND JOANNE ARE AT THE KITCHEN TABLE HAVING SOME BROWNIES AND COFFEE. KITTY IS STANDING AT THE SLIDING DOOR LOOKING OUT IT. WE CAN SEE THE SNOW FALLING THROUGH THE GLASS AND THE HUM OF A SNOW BLOWER CAN BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND.

KITTY:

It is really coming down hard out there.

JACKIE:

I hope Steven doesn't freeze. He refuses to wear a hat, because he says he'll look stupid.

KITTY:

(staring at Hyde through the window) I'll tell you what looks stupid, the fact that he's wearing sunglasses during a blizzard.

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes) Yeah, he said if he was gonna freeze to death, he wanted to at least look cool doing it.

KITTY:

Oh don't worry, those three have had so much brandy they're probably warmer than we are.

JOANNE:

(with a sarcastic smile) Typical men, load up on the booze and then operate dangerous machinery.

JACKIE:

(talking into her stomach) Ok, whoever is sitting on my bladder needs to move because it is getting really hard for me to keep walking upstairs to go to the bathroom.

KITTY:

(clapping excitedly) Oh my goodness, are they moving?

KITTY SITS DOWN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF JACKIE AND PUTS HER HAND ON JACKIE'S STOMACH. OUTSIDE, THE NOISE FROM THE SNOW BLOWER STOPS.

KITTY:

(staring with shock at Jackie's stomach) It's like World War III in there.

JOANNE PUTS HER HAND ON JACKIE'S STOMACH.

JOANNE:

(smiling proudly at Jackie) You know, you must be one tough little gal, because these kids are kicking the crap out of you.

JACKIE:

(frowning) I know. I don't think they like each other. Which totally does not fit into my plans. I mean, how can I dress them alike if they hate each other?

RED, HYDE AND BOB ENTER FROM THE SLIDING GLASS DOOR. THEY ARE COVERED IN SNOW. RED LOOKS AT KITTY AND JOANNE WITH THEIR HANDS ON JACKIE'S STOMACH AND SCOWLS.

RED:

Oh crap, she's not going into labor is she? Because I am not going back out there. (he points outside and takes his hat off)

KITTY:

Don't be ridiculous, we're just feeling the babies move.

JOANNE:

Well, not so much move as wrestle.

HYDE:

(grinning) Yeah, they want outta there bad.

HYDE LEANS DOWN OVER JACKIE AND SHAKES OFF THE SNOW FROM HIS HEAD, SHE PLAYFULLY SWATS HIM.

RED:

(points at Jackie) You tell them they're staying put until the snow stops. (points at Hyde) And you, quit makin' a mess.

BOB:

(taking off his hat) I remember when Midge was pregnant with Donna, she was a kicker,(a beat) and a puncher.

JACKIE:

(to Bob) She still is.

KITTY:

(with a small smile) Eric hardly moved around at all.

RED:

Yep, some things never change.

RED CROSSES TO THE FRIDGE TO GRAB SOME BEERS. DONNA ENTERS THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR, SHE BRUSHES SOME SNOW OFF OF HER. SHE LOOKS A LITTLE FRANTIC.

DONNA:

Ok, has anybody heard from Eric? He was supposed to pick me up two hours ago and he still hasn't shown up.

BOB:

Well, we all know Eric's fondness for not showing up at stuff.

RED:

(handing out beers to the guys) Bob's right. He's probably still at work playing with his little toys in the snow.

DONNA:

(nervously) No I called the store, no one answered.

KITTY:

(looking very worried) Steven, didn't he leave with you?

HYDE LOOKS A LITTLE GUILTY AND DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING SO JACKIE INTERRUPTS.

JACKIE:

I made Steven leave early so we wouldn't get caught in the storm. Eric was still there when we left.

KITTY:

Oh my gosh, what if something's happened to him. I didn't knit him any mittens this year. (starting to go a little nuts) His hands will freeze.

DONNA:

He's probably stuck in a huge snow drift somewhere burning his "Star Wars" dolls to stay warm.

KITTY STAND UP AND CROSSES TO RED.

KITTY:

Red, what are we going to do?

JACKIE:

Somebody should call Michael, he's on duty tonight.

BOB:

I'll do it.

BOB HEADS TO THE PHONE EVERYBODY LOOKS AT EACH OTHER, A LITTLE UNSURE WHAT TO DO NEXT. FINALLY, RED PUTS HIS HAT BACK ON.

RED:

Dammit, let's go.

HYDE:

(to Red) I'll go with you.

RED:

(giving Kitty a small smile) Don't worry, Kitty, we'll find him. (he scowls) And then I'll make him shovel off the roof for worrying his mother.

RED GIVES KITTY A QUICK KISS AND HEADS OUTSIDE. JACKIE STANDS UP AND GRABS HYDE'S HAND.

JACKIE:

(urgently) Steven, promise me something.

HYDE:

What?

JACKIE:

If you drive you'll take your sunglasses off.(she frowns) I don't want you dying in a fiery crash because you wanted to look cool.

HYDE SMIRKS AND TAKES HIS SUNGLASSES OFF, THEN HE GIVES JACKIE A KISS ON THE MOUTH AND HEADS OUT.

BOB:

(hanging up the phone) Kelso's gonna meet us at Eric's store but I don't know how much help he'll be.

KITTY:

(to Bob) Why?

BOB:

He wants to know if we can go sledding first and _then_ look for Eric.

BOB EXITS LEAVING ALL THE WOMEN BEHIND IN THE KITCHEN.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. A BAR, LATER THAT EVENING. RED, BOB, HYDE AND KELSO, IN HIS UNIFORM ENTER THE BAR. THEY ARE COVERED IN SNOW AND THEY LOOK MISERABLE. THEY TRY TO SHAKE SOME OF THE SNOW OFF OF THEMSELVES. THE SONG, _"RIDIN' THE STORM OUT" _BY REO SPEEDWAGON PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. THERE IS ONE BARTENDER AND A FEW CUSTOMERS IN THE BAR.

RED:

(very irritated) I never realized how many damn ditches this town has.

HYDE:

(rubbing his hand together to get warm) Yep, culture - no, excitement - none, but ditches - we've got.

KELSO:

(heading to a phone) I'm gonna call the station, maybe we'll get lucky and someone will have found Eric's body somewhere.

HYDE:

Kelso, what the hell man?

HYDE GIVES KELSO A NASTY LOOK, BUT KELSO DOESN'T QUITE GET IT.

KELSO:

Well we better find it soon or we won't find him til the snow melts in April.

KELSO WALKS AWAY.

BOB:

(starting to get weepy) Aw geez.

RED:

Bob, I really can't take the tears tonight.

BOB:

(in a strained voice) I don't think I'll be able to stop 'em, Red.

RED:

(very cranky) Bob, don't be an ass. Nothing's happened to Eric. I'm not that lucky. He's probably waiting out the storm in some diner some where.

HYDE:

(staring off in the distance) Or at a bar.

RED:

Exactly, he's probably at some bar somewhere.

HYDE:

(still staring) Or, at this bar.

HYDE POINTS TO THE BAR AND ALL THE GUYS TURN AND SEE ERIC SITTING ON A BAR STOOL.

RED:

(pissed) Now I'm glad my foot is frozen, Cause then it'll really hurt when I shove it up his ass!

THE THREE GUYS WALK UP TO THE BAR AND STAND BEHIND ERIC, WHO APPEARS TO BE A LITTLE DRUNK AND DOESN'T NOTICE THE GUYS BEHIND HIM.

ERIC:

(to the bartender) I mean, I know for sure this time, man. This is what I want.

BARTENDER:

(irritated with Eric) Yeah, you said that already. Look pal, I've gotta wait on these guys.

THE BARTENDER POINTS BEHIND HIM AND ERIC TURNS TO LOOK. HYDE, RED AND BOB STAND WITH THEIR ARMS CROSSED, GLARING AT ERIC. ERIC TURNS BACK TO THE BARTENDER.

ERIC:

Oh I can tell you what they'll have, (a beat) my ass - straight up.

KELSO WALKS OVER.

KELSO:

(extremely irritated) Oh great, he's alive. _Now_ can we go sledding?

ERIC JUST LAYS HIS HEAD DOWN ON THE BAR.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, A SHORT WHILE LATER. JACKIE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH, NERVOUSLY RUBBING HER BELLY AND DONNA IS PACING BEHIND HER.

DONNA:

If Eric's out there in the cold he's done for. He's so skinny he'll freeze to death in like five minutes.

JACKIE:

(pouting) If something happens to Steven while he's out there looking for your scrawny boyfriend, I'll kill Eric. And it won't be peaceful like freezing to death would be, I'll make it hurt.

DONNA:

(sits down next to Jackie) Jackie, there's something really important I have to tell Eric.

JACKIE:

Donna, breaking up with the guy while he's out in a blizzard is really rude.

DONNA:

Jackie, I don't wanna break up with him.(she pauses) I wanna marry him.

JACKIE:

(putting her hand over her mouth) Oh my God, that's so romantic. (starting to get excited) Even if Eric _has_ been in some horrible crash and he's blind you can still love him and nurture him back to health. It'll be just like "Ice Castles" Only you have to make sure he doesn't feel like you're marrying him out of pity. (frowns at Donna) You know, you really should've talked to Eric about this before he went blind.

DONNA:

(getting very annoyed with Jackie) He's not blind Jackie. And how am I supposed to talk to Eric about this without him flipping out? I mean he left me at the altar, I think that's a pretty good indicator that he's not ready for marriage.

JACKIE:

(nodding sadly) Yeah and don't forget about the whole promise ring fiasco.

DONNA:

Ok, not helping!

JACKIE:

Sorry. Alright look, (she pats Donna on the leg) you have to let Eric think that marriage is the furthest thing from your mind and that you think your relationship is perfect.

DONNA:

I do think our relationship is perfect. That's why I wanna make a life-long commitment to it.

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes) Fine, whatever, I'm just saying, the instant Eric feels like the pressure to propose is off, he'll propose. (she grins) That's how I got Steven to propose to me, I backed up and gave him some space.

DONNA:

Jackie, that's such a lie. You were constantly badgering Hyde to propose to you.

JACKIE:

(with a shrug) Yeah, but you can't go that route because you're not as cute as I am.

DONNA:

This is nuts. I am _not_ taking advice from you.

JACKIE:

(with a bratty smile) You're right. I'm only sitting here married and pregnant what do I know about this kind of stuff? Plus you might not even need my advice, Eric may be lying in a snowbank somewhere.

THE KITCHEN DOOR OPENS AND BOTH GIRLS TURN TO LOOK AS RED ENTERS HOLDING A VERY GUILTY LOOKING ERIC BY THE SCRUFF OF THE NECK.

RED:

Nope. Not a snowbank. A bar.

JACKIE:

(turns back to Donna) Ok, I'm changing my advice, Donna. Kick his ass.

ERIC SMILES WEAKLY AND DONNA LOOKS LIKE SHE MIGHT KILL HIM.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

EXT HYDE AND JACKIE'S DRIVEWAY, THE NEXT DAY. THERE IS SNOW EVERYWHERE OUTSIDE. THE DRIVEWAY HAS BEEN CLEARED OFF AND A SNOW BLOWER SITS IN THE BACKGROUND. HYDE IS SHOVELING SAND FROM A BUCKET ONTO THE PAVEMENT WHEN ERIC WALKS UP.

HYDE:

(with a smirk) Hey, how was shoveling off the roof?

ERIC:

(sarcastically) Great, I could barely hear Donna screaming at me up there. (watching Hyde throw out the sand) Wow, you're taking this whole home owner thing pretty seriously.

HYDE:

(with a shrug) Yeah well, if Jackie slips on the driveway I could end up having to deliver my kids in a snowbank and that doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun.

ERIC CHUCKLES QUIETLY AND THEY BOTH SEEM UNSURE OF WHAT TO SAY NEXT.

ERIC:

(seriously) I thought about what you said. And you were right, I didn't have to see how hurt Donna was, and I know I'm the one who caused that. But it's not the same this time. I have no doubts, I know this is what I want.

HYDE:

(pauses and then grins) Then I think you should do it.

ERIC:

Really?

HYDE:

Hell yeah, marriage is great.

ERIC:

(pretending to clean out his ears) Wow, I think I must have frostbite in my ears because I could've sworn you just said marriage is great.

HYDE:

(with a wicked smile) Hey, since Jackie and I got married she hasn't once nagged me about proposing to her.

ERIC CHUCKLES AND THEN PAUSES AND SLOWLY PATS HYDE ON THE BACK.

ERIC:

Thanks Hyde.(getting excited) So how do you think I should do it? I was thinking I'd take her for a sleigh ride through the park ...

HYDE:

Forman?

ERIC:

Yeah?

HYDE:

(frowning) Don't make me beat you with my shovel.

ERIC NODS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 5

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, THAT NIGHT. _"MIND GAMES"_ BY JOHN LENNON PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. ONCE AGAIN JACKIE IS ON THE COUCH SURROUNDED BY LAURIE, FEZ AND ERIC WHO ALL HAVE A HAND ON HER STOMACH. KELSO IS STANDING BY THE DEEP FREEZE AND HYDE IS IN HIS CHAIR.

KELSO:

(taunting Hyde) Hey Hyde, have you thought about the fact the you could have _two_ daughters?

HYDE:

Hey Kelso, have you thought about this?

HYDE STANDS AND FROGGS KELSO, TWICE. KELSO YELPS OUT IN PAIN AND THEN RUBS HIS ARM.

KELSO:

(pouting) Man, what the hell? Why twice?

HYDE:

(sitting back down) I do everything in twos now.

FEZ:

(looking at Jackie's stomach) There they go again.

ERIC:

(in amazement) It's like Jackie's got Rocky and Apollo Creed in there.

KELSO:

(with a big, dumb smile) I wanna feel 'em.

HYDE:

(very sarcastically) Sure, Kelso. Go right ahead and put your hand on Jackie's stomach.

KELSO:

(with a big dopey grin) Really?

HYDE:

(yells at Kelso) HELL NO!

KELSO:

Come on, Hyde, everybody got to feel it but me.

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes) Oh God, he might as well. Everybody else is.

HYDE:

Fine, (he stands up and points, threateningly, at Kelso) but I swear to God if your hand moves even a centimeter I'm chopping it off.

KELSO:

(he shrugs) Fair enough. Oh, but what if I sneeze? Cause then my hand'll move and it won't be my fault.

HYDE:

Well then I guess if you feel a sneeze coming you better hold it in huh?

KELSO:

(pointing to his head) Hyde, if I hold in a sneeze my brain might explode.

ERIC:

(to Kelso) Do you really think anybody would notice a difference if it did?

KELSO SHRUGS AT ERIC AND PUTS HIS HAND ON JACKIE'S STOMACH. HYDE HOVERS BEHIND HIM. KELSO TURNS AROUND AND JUMPS WHEN HE SEES HYDE.

KELSO:

Damn Hyde! You're making me nervous.

JACKIE:

(accusingly) Michael, you moved your hand.

KELSO:

(to Jackie) It was an accident,(very nervously, to Hyde) I swear it was an accident! Holy hell! (he yanks his hand away and stares at Jackie's stomach then he turns to Hyde) One of your kids just frogged me.

HYDE:

(leans down to talk into Jackie's stomach) Way to go, baby!

DONNA ENTERS EVERYONE LOOKS BACK AND FORTH, NERVOUSLY, BETWEEN HER AND ERIC.

JACKIE:

(quickly) Wow look at the time.

LAURIE:

(standing up) Yep, lots to do.

KELSO:

(to the gang) I didn't know we had plans tonight.

HYDE FROGGS KELSO TWICE.

KELSO:

(rubbing his arm) Again with the double frog Hyde?

HYDE:

Just be glad I'm not having triplets.

KELSO:

(with a laugh) Man, you having _three_ kids would be worth the triple frog.

LAURIE, FEZ, KELSO AND HYDE GRAB THEIR COATS OFF THE HOOKS AND EXIT. DONNA AND ERIC ARE LEFT ALONE WITH JACKIE. THEY LOOK DOWN AT HER LIKE THEY ARE WAITING FOR HER TO LEAVE, JACKIE LOOKS MILDLY ANNOYED. A FEW SECONDS PASS AND HYDE COMES BACK THROUGH THE DOOR AND HEADS TO THE COUCH.

HYDE:

(with a shrug) Forgot something.

HE BENDS DOWN AND GRABS JACKIE UNDER THE ARMS AND SLOWLY LIFTS HER OUT OF THE COUCH. THEN HE GRABS HER HAND AND HER COAT AND THEY BOTH HEAD OUT THOUGH THE BASEMENT DOOR. ERIC AND DONNA BOTH STAND STARING AT EACH OTHER.

ERIC:

(sincerely) Donna, I'm really sorry you were worried about me yesterday.

DONNA:

(she shrugs) It's ok I'm over it now. I spent most of the day in a circle with Hyde and Kelso.

ERIC:

Really?

DONNA:

(with a smile) Yeah, Hyde's up to two circles a day since he found out about the twins.

ERIC:

Well, I'm still sorry.

DONNA:

(she nods) Thank you. (a pause) What were you doing at the bar anyway?

ERIC:

Donna, I've got a confession to make ... (he pauses like he's got something serious to say and then he smirks) I was drinking.

DONNA LAUGHS AND SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH.

DONNA:

God, watching Jackie and Hyde really makes you think doesn't it.

ERIC:

About what?

DONNA:

About marriage and kids and that kind of stuff.

ERIC:

(slowly smiling) Are you serious, you've been thinking about that?

ERIC SITS DOWN NEXT TO HER.

DONNA:

(with a small shrug) Well yeah, I mean all of our friends are married, well, except Kelso. Although he does have an illegitimate child so we'll give him half a point for that.

ERIC:

(getting excited) Donna, I am so glad you've been thinking about this.

DONNA:

Me too, because the more I think about it the more I realize - we made the right choice.

ERIC:

(not realizing what she said) Oh my God, I totally agree. (he pauses and frowns) Wait. What?

DONNA:

(hesitantly, but trying to act like she means it) I am so glad we didn't get married. It would've been a huge mistake.

ERIC:

(with a nervous laugh) Huge is a pretty strong word Donna.

DONNA:

I love our relationship right now Eric. We're together and we're happy, but we still have our independence you know what I mean.

ERIC:

Yeah, independence is so great. It's so (a beat) independent.

DONNA:

(nods) Exactly. It's great we can agree on this.

ERIC:

(with a fake smile) Yeah, it's just ... great.

THEY BOTH LOOK AWAY FROM EACH OTHER AND SIGH SADLY, NEITHER NOTICING THE OTHER'S EXPRESSION. WHEN THEY FINALLY LOOK BACK AT EACH OTHER THEY SMILE BRIEFLY AND THEN LOOK AWAY AGAIN.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

CREDITS

FANTASY SCENE

INT. A PSYCHEDELIC LOOKING TRAIN STATION. THE SONG, _"LOVE TRAIN"_ BY THE O-JAYS IS PLAYING. RED, KITTY, BOB, JOANNE, HYDE, JACKIE, LAURIE AND FEZ ARE IN A LONG SINGLE-FILE LINE, HOLDING ONTO EACH OTHER'S WAISTS AND STEPPING TOGETHER, IN TIME WITH THE MUSIC, ALMOST LIKE THEY'RE DOING THE BUNNY-HOP. THEY ALL HAVE HUGE CHEESY SMILES ON THEIR FACES. ERIC STANDS AT A TICKET WINDOW WHERE KELSO IS THE GUY SELLING TICKETS. DONNA IS SITTING OFF TO THE SIDE OF THE WINDOW, SHE LOOKS VERY BORED. AS THE OTHERS DANCE BY THEY WAVE AT ERIC AND THE MUSIC PLAYS.

"_People all over the world, join hands_

_Start a Love Train, a Love Train_

_People all over the world join hands_

_Start a Love Train, a Love Train" _

ERIC:

(excitedly) Come on Donna, we're gonna miss the train!

DONNA:

(with a dismissive wave) We'll just get the next one.

ERIC VERY MELODRAMATICALLY WAVES GOODBYE TO EVERYONE AS THEY BOOGIE ON PAST HIM.

FADE INTO INT. ERIC'S BEDROOM. ERIC IS ASLEEP AND RED IS STANDING OVER HIM. RED RIPS THE COVERS OFF AND ERIC IMMEDIATELY SITS UP IN BED.

RED:

(grinning at Eric) Time to salt the driveway dumbass.

RED WALKS OUT WITH THE BLANKETS LEAVING BEHIND A VERY IRRITATED LOOKING ERIC

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"Baby Come Back"

It's an epic stand-off after the girls walk out on the guys. Who will go crawling back first?


	22. Baby Come Back

"Baby Come Back"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Player.

I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disaster that was Season 8. This would be Episode 8-15.

Thank you all for continuing to read and review!

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, AFTERNOON. JOANNE, KITTY AND LAURIE ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE HAVING SOME COOKIES AND HOT COCOA.

KITTY:

(excitedly) Only three weeks til Christmas. (doing a "Santa" voice) Ho, ho, ho! (she laughs) Laurie, did you get your father's present yet?

LAURIE:

(with a ditzy smile) Uh-huh, Fez and I got him a Jimmy Carter pinata.

JOANNE:

Nothing says "Christmas" like taking a whack at The President.

JACKIE AND DONNA ENTER THROUGH THE SLIDING GLASS DOOR, BOTH WEARING WINTER COATS.

KITTY:

Well, here come the little elves. How was Christmas shopping, girls?

DONNA:

(taking off her coat) Insane. Not only was the mall packed but we couldn't go ten feet without people stopping Jackie to touch her stomach. (hangs up her coat) It's like people think if they rub her a genie's gonna appear.

JACKIE TAKES HER COAT OFF AND HANGS IT UP. HER BABY BUMP IS LOOKING VERY BIG, SHE ALSO APPEARS TO BE VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

LAURIE:

Wow, Jackie, you look bigger than you did yesterday.

JACKIE:

I look bigger than I did this morning.

KITTY:

I think you're adorable.

JACKIE:

(with a pout) They offered me a job as Santa at the mall.

DONNA:

(smirking) Jackie, would a lot of food make you feel better?

JACKIE:

(like a sad little kid she nods) Yes please.

KITTY HOLDS UP A PLATE OF COOKIES.

KITTY:

Here, I made some gingersnaps and hot cocoa. Donna, get Jackie a glass of milk. (she looks at her watch) Oh my goodness, look at the time. The boys will be home soon.

DONNA HEADS TO THE FRIDGE AND GETS OUT THE MILK AND THEN GRABS A GLASS FROM THE CUPBOARD.

DONNA:

(calling over her shoulder) I can't believe we got them to agree to take us to "A Christmas Carol"

JACKIE:

Yeah, but we had to let them go ice fishing. Steven's gonna come home smelling like fish.

JOANNE:

Don't worry, the stench of beer will probably cover up the stench of fish.

JACKIE JOINS DONNA AT THE FRIDGE .

KITTY:

(smiling and giggling) Oh I am so excited for tonight. I love that sweet, little Tiny Tim. I just wanna pick him up and squeeze him and then get him some good medical care.

JACKIE AND DONNA HIDE BEHIND THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR TO HAVE A CONVERSATION.

JACKIE

(quietly to Donna) So, how's it going with Eric? Did you drop the hints that you're not thinking about marriage?

DONNA:

That's all I've been doing lately. I sound like a broken record.

JACKIE:

No, no that's good. See, men aren't that bright. So we need to tell them things about one thousand times before it sinks in. And even then you can't always be sure they got it.

DONNA:

Jackie, I think I should just be honest with Eric and tell him that I wanna get married again. I hate playing games.

JACKIE:

(very nonchalantly) Fine, go ahead, tell the truth. But when it comes back to bite you in the ass don't come crying to me.

KITTY:

(calling to Jackie and Donna) What are you two whispering about back there?

JACKIE:

(smiles at Kitty) Your Christmas present. Eric and Steven are gonna write you a poem, but shhh ... (she whispers) it's a secret.

KITTY:

(claps excitedly) Oh my gosh, that is so beautiful.

DONNA:

(whispers) Jackie ...

JACKIE:

(with a smug smile) See, sometimes a lie is just the way to go, Donna.

DONNA JUST SHAKES HER HEAD AT JACKIE AND THE TWO OF THEM HEAD OVER TO THE TABLE.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. AN ICE HOUSE, LATER THAT AFTERNOON. THERE IS A HOLE DRILLED IN THE ICE AND FEZ, KELSO, RED AND BOB ARE SITTING ON STOOLS GATHERED AROUND IT. THEY ARE EACH HOLDING A FISHING POLE AND DRINKING A BEER. HYDE AND ERIC ARE A LITTLE REMOVED FROM THE GROUP IN A CORNER, SITTING ON A COOLER AND THEY'RE ALSO HAVING A BEER. A HOCKEY GAME CAN BE HEARD ON THE RADIO.

KELSO:

(with a big, open-mouthed smile) Man, I love ice fishing.

ERIC:

Yeah, but they should really call it what it is; "men sitting around in a dirty, freezing shack drinking beer and bitching about women."

KELSO:

(pauses like he's thinking and then shrugs) "Ice fishing" is just easier to say.

FEZ:

(excitedly) Oh my God! I caught a fish. (he pulls up an extremely tiny fish and gazes, lovingly at him) Oh he is so beautiful. I am so proud I caught him, I don't care that he's tiny.

HYDE:

(smirks at Fez) Huh, that's exactly what Laurie says about you.

KELSO:

BURN!

GAME ANNOUNCER:

(coming from the radio) The Badgers have the puck, Brady shoots ... he scores!

RED:

(listening to the game) Ha! Take that Gophers!

BOB:

Boy, I love hockey. Men beating on each other is just good, clean fun.

HYDE:

(quietly, to Eric) So, how'd the marriage talk go with Donna?

ERIC:

Am I married?

HYDE:

Nope.

ERIC:

(very sarcastically) Then I guess it didn't go very well, did it. Donna said she's happy with the way things are. She's not interested in getting married.

HYDE:

(annoyed) Oh, poor you. Your hot girlfriend doesn't want a commitment. Man, I'm gonna go sit with Fez and his new pet.

HYDE GETS UP AND JOINS THE OTHER GUYS.

RED:

Alright, morons, drink up. We're leaving in 15 minutes.

KELSO:

(with a pout) But, I haven't caught anything yet.

HYDE:

Have you caught a buzz?

KELSO:

Yeah.

HYDE:

(grinning) Then, there ya go, you caught something.

RED:

If we're late Kitty's gonna be mad. And when she gets mad, I get angry. (smiles, menacingly at the guys) You don't want me to get angry do you?

BOB:

I'm gonna vote "no" on that one Red.

RED:

Alright, so we leave in 15 minutes. (a beat) Or whenever the game ends, whichever comes later.

THE GUYS GO BACK TO FISHING AND LISTENING TO THE GAME.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, A SHORT WHILE LATER. ALL THE WOMEN ARE GATHERED AROUND THE TABLE, THEY ARE DRESSED UP AND THEY ALL LOOK VERY ANNOYED.

DONNA:

They're late.

JOANNE:

They're not late. (looks at her watch for a few seconds) Alright, _now_ they're late.

JACKIE:

They better have fallen through the ice.

KITTY:

(standing up) Come on, girls, let's go.

LAURIE:

(whining) Mom, can't we just forget about the stupid play and stay home and drink eggnog.

KITTY:

(very irritated) No, we will not just forget about the play. (starting to go a little crazy) It is a time-honored Christmas tradition with a beautiful message of love and goodwill towards men. (yells) So, hurry up and get your little fannies in the car because we are going!

DONNA AND LAURIE QUICKLY SCURRY OUT THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR AND JOANNE FOLLOWS THEM. JACKIE SITS SADLY IN HER CHAIR.

JACKIE:

I'm sorry, Mrs. Forman, but I can't get out of the chair by myself.

KITTY HELPS JACKIE UP.

KITTY:

(giving Jackie a sympathetic smile) Oh sweetie, you're just like Tiny Tim.

JACKIE NODS SADLY AND THEY EXIT.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. THE VISTA CRUISER, THAT NIGHT. RED IS DRIVING WITH ERIC NEXT TO HIM AND HYDE IN THE PASSENGER SEAT. IN THE BACK SEAT ARE FEZ, KELSO AND BOB. THE GUYS ALL LOOK A LITTLE NERVOUS.

ERIC:

Boy. Overtime.

HYDE:

(with a smirk) Two overtimes.

ERIC:

(he turns to grin at Red) Who could've predicted that?

RED:

Will you two quit your yappin'. We have plenty of time to get home.

FEZ:

(pouting) Yes, but now I do not have time to shower and I am so very stinky from holding my fish.

KELSO:

(with a dopey laugh) I'm so stinky from all that beer I drank. _MAN_, I love ice fishing.

ERIC:

(looking at the dashboard, nervously) Dad, you really should stop for gas.

RED:

(very cranky) Eric, we have more than enough gas to get home. I know this car.

CUT TO THE VISTA CRUISER ALONG THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND ALL THE GUYS STANDING OUTSIDE IN THE SNOW AROUND THE CAR.

ERIC:

(dripping with sarcasm) Dad, I'd like to introduce you to someone. (he pats the cruiser) This is my car. I don't think you two know each other.

RED GLARES AT ERIC LIKE HE'S GOING TO KILL HIM.

BOB:

(with a shrug) Eh. Maybe they won't notice we're a little late.

CUT TO INT. A DARK AUDITORIUM. DIALOGUE CAN BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND. THE CAMERA PANS DOWN A ROW OF SEATS. FIRST AN EMPTY SEAT, THEN A BORED LOOKING LAURIE PUTTING ON SOME LIPSTICK. THEN ANOTHER EMPTY SEAT AND A VERY CRANKY LOOKING JOANNE. ANOTHER EMPTY SEAT, THEN JACKIE WHO LOOKS LIKE SHE'S ABOUT TO BURST INTO TEARS AND IS EATING A COOKIE. ANOTHER EMPTY SEAT AND THEN DONNA WITH A MURDEROUS GLARE. FINALLY ANOTHER EMPTY SEAT AND A CRAZED-LOOKING KITTY.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. THE VISTA CRUISER, AN HOUR LATER. THE GUYS ARE HUDDLED INSIDE THE VISTA CRUISER. THEY ALL LOOK VERY COLD.

ERIC:

I think freezing to death is gonna be ok. I mean, it's better than what Donna's gonna do to me when I get home.

BOB:

(sadly) I really wanted to see "A Christmas Carol". I love it when the little cripple kid says, "God bless us, everyone."

RED:

(very irritated) Bob, do you wanna wait out in the snow?

HYDE:

(looking over his shoulder) Hey guys, I think there's a car coming.

KELSO:

Lemme out of here, man, I don't wanna die with a bunch of dudes.

KELSO CLIMBS OVER BOB AND RUNS OUTSIDE.

FEZ:

(yelling after Kelso as he goes) Kelso, try to flag down the car! (smiling to himself as he watches Kelso out the window) They will stop for sure once they see how handsome he is. (turns and sees the other guys all staring at him) Oh you know you were all thinking it you sons-of-bitches.

A FEW SECONDS PASS AND KELSO RUNS BACK TO THE CAR. HE HAS A HUGE SMILE ON HIS FACE.

KELSO:

(through the open door) You guys, this is awesome, it's a big van we can all fit.

ERIC:

Will they take us to get gas?

KELSO:

(with a big smile) Better, they said they'll take us home. They're super nice.

HYDE:

That's probably cause they're serial killers.

ERIC:

Who cares, I'm freezing my fun parts off.

ERIC CLIMBS OVER HYDE AND GETS OUT OF THE CAR, AS DO BOB AND FEZ, LEAVING ONLY RED AND HYDE STILL SITTING IN THE VISTA CRUISER.

HYDE:

Hey Red, if these people are psychopaths we'll give them Eric and Fez as a distraction, and then you and I will run like hell.

RED:

(nods) Good plan.

HYDE AND RED EXIT THE CAR.

CUT TO INT. A VAN A FEW MINUTES LATER. THE GUYS ARE RIDING WITH SEVEN YOUNG, GOOD LOOKING GIRLS. IN THE FRONT THERE IS A GIRL DRIVING AND RED AND BOB ARE NEXT TO HER. IN THE MIDDLE ROW OF SEATS ARE FEZ AND KELSO SANDWICHED BETWEEN TWO GIRLS, KELSO ALSO HAS A GIRL ON HIS LAP. IN THE BACK ROW SITS HYDE WITH A GIRL TO HIS LEFT AND ERIC TO HIS RIGHT, ERIC HAS TWO GIRLS SITTING ON HIS RIGHT SIDE LEAVING ERIC SITTING SORT OF TWISTED BACKWARDS. THE GUYS, EXCEPT KELSO, ALL LOOK EXTREMELY UNEASY.

HYDE:

Boy, didn't see this one comin'.

ERIC:

(very nervously) Oh my God. Donna's gonna kill me when she finds out we hitched a ride with a bunch of drunk girls out for a bachelorette party.

HYDE:

This would be an awesome story if it didn't have to end with our deaths.

CUT TO THE FRONT SEAT. THE DRIVER, TAMMY, IS SMILING AT RED.

TAMMY:

(in breathy, ditzy voice) I sure do like your red hair. (a beat) So, why do they call you Red?

BOB:

(with a sigh) She reminds me of Midgey.

CUT TO THE MIDDLE ROW OF SEATS. KELSO HAS CAPTURED THE ATTENTION OF THE GIRL NEXT TO HIM AND THE GIRL IN HIS LAP.

KELSO:

(with a cocky smile) So, which one of you girls is the bride-to-be. 'Cause I would be happy to give you one last night of naughtiness before you settle down.

THE GIRLS GIGGLE AT KELSO WHO PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND BOTH OF THEM. THE GIRL SITTING ON FEZ'S LEFT, AMBER, SCOOTS CLOSER TO HIM

AMBER:

(leaning into Fez) Hi there, I'm Amber.

FEZ:

(looking terrified) Please don't touch me. I have a wife that I love and a father-in-law that is just waiting for an excuse to kill me.

CUT TO THE BACK ROW, HYDE HAS A VERY DRUNK LOOKING GIRL, CINDY, LEANING IN TO WHISPER IN HIS EAR WHICH IS MAKING HYDE VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

CINDY:

Sorry we spilled amaretto all over you, Hyde.

HYDE:

(sarcastically) That's ok. Because now instead of just coming home late, I get to come home late _and_ reeking of booze.

ERIC:

(methodically banging his head on the seat in front of him) Oh this is so bad, so very, very bad.

KELSO TURNS AROUND TO FACE ERIC AND HYDE. HE IS GRINNING FROM EAR-TO-EAR.

KELSO:

Are you crazy, man, this is awesome! I'm gonna turn this into a letter and send it to Penthouse.

ERIC:

(pulling at his coat around his neck) Is it hot in here? And crowded?

CINDY:

(pointing at Eric) Your friend doesn't look good.

HYDE:

He's probably just having a small stroke. He'll be ok.

CINDY:

No, he looks a little car sick.

SHE LEANS OVER HYDE TO GET A LOOK AT ERIC.

HYDE:

(throws his hands into the air so as not to touch Cindy) He's fine you can sit back down now.

CINDY SITS DOWN JUST AS ERIC LURCHES FORWARD INTO HYDE'S LAP AND THROWS UP.

KELSO:

(laughing) Holy crap, Eric totally blew chunks all over Hyde! (pauses like he's thinking) I'm gonna have to leave that part out of my letter.

HYDE LOOKS LIKE HE MIGHT LOSE IT AND ERIC SITS BACK UP AND SHEEPISHLY WIPES HIS MOUTH.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 6

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN. A SHORT WHILE LATER. THE GUYS APPEAR BEHIND THE GLASS DOOR, THEY ALL LOOK AROUND AND SEE NO ONE. RED, VERY SLOWLY, SLIDES THE DOOR OPEN. THE GUYS ALL SNEAK IN AND START TO HEAD DOWNSTAIRS WHEN THE WOMEN COME IN FROM THE LIVING ROOM. THE GUYS, REALIZING THEY ARE BUSTED, STOP DEAD IN THEIR TRACKS. THE WOMEN JUST GLARE AT THE MEN.

RED:

(quietly to the guys) If we were in Korea, this is when we would jump into a trench.

DONNA:

(extremely irritated) Well, look who decided to show up. How was ice fishing dill holes?

KITTY:

It's funny, because I don't see any fish.

DONNA:

(very sarcastically, to the other women) Are you sure?

JOANNE:

I don't know, let's take a look. (puts her hand to her brow and pretends like she's looking from side-to-side) Nope, no fish.

BOB:

(sheepishly) We had fish. We kinda forget 'em.

FEZ:

(sadly) I have a fish. (pulls the tiny little fish he caught out of his coat pocket) Only now he is dead and I am sad.

LAURIE:

(to Fez) I hope your fish can keep you warm tonight because I won't be.

FEZ:

(turns to the guys and hisses at them) I _hate _you all.

JACKIE:

(squishing up her face in disgust) Steven, you smell like booze.

HYDE:

That's because somebody spilled amaretto all over me.

KELSO:

(with a laugh) And probably a little bit because we were drinking.

HYDE:

(giving Kelso a fake grin) Thanks for adding that, Kelso.

ERIC:

(quickly) We can explain. See, we ran out of gas.

RED:

Because Eric wasn't keeping an eye on the gas gauge.

ERIC:

Dad, what the hell?

RED:

(under his breath) Every man for himself, son.

KELSO:

(with a dopey laugh) Yeah, and we were already kind of late cause we had to stay and hear the end of the game.

ERIC:

(points angrily at Kelso) Ok, somebody throw him out in a snowbank.

DONNA:

You couldn't listen to the game in the car?

ERIC:

(trying to explain) Well, we could've but what if the Badgers had scored while we were getting into the car?

HYDE LOOKS AT THE OTHER GUYS AND THEN TAKES A STEP FORWARD.

HYDE:

I'm gonna be a man and bite the bullet. (he pauses and says flatly) Jackie, I'm sorry.

RED:

(in quiet amazement) That brilliant bastard.

HYDE TURNS AND GIVES THE GUYS A WICKED GRIN.

JACKIE:

(stunned) Wait, Steven are you serious? You're apologizing?

HYDE:

Yep.

JACKIE:

(with a big smile) Ok, you're forgiven.

HYDE:

Seriously?

JACKIE:

(she shrugs) Yeah, see in the play tonight we learned that Christmas is a time to love one another. Otherwise, you end up all alone with ghosts constantly bugging you.

HYDE GIVES JACKIE A QUICK KISS THEN HE JOINS HER ON THE "GIRLS SIDE". HE SMILES TRIUMPHANTLY AT THE OTHER GUYS WHO LOOK LIKE THEY WANT TO KILL HIM.

ERIC:

(with his best sexy smile) Donna, I'm really sorry.

DONNA:

It doesn't count, 'cause now you're just copying Hyde!

FEZ:

(whining) We almost froze to death. We waited forever for a car to drive by. I thought Red was going to set me on fire to stay warm.

KITTY:

Obviously you got home some how. (arms flailing) What'd you do, slap your snowshoes on?

THE GUYS ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER. NO ONE WANTS TO TELL THE STORY.

ERIC:

(his voice cracking) Here's the funny part. (a beat) Ha ha.

JUST THEN, CINDY, TAMMY AND AMBER ENTER THROUGH THE SLIDING GLASS DOOR. CINDY IS HOLDING A SHIRT AND AMBER AND TAMMY ARE CARRYING THE COOLER.

AMBER:

Hey, you guys forgot your fish.

THEY SET DOWN THE COOLER.

CINDY:

And here's your shirt, Hyde.

SHE CROSSES TO HYDE AND HANDS HIM HIS CRUMPLED UP SHIRT.

TAMMY:

(with a wave) It was _super_ fun meeting you guys.

THE BACHELORETTES HEAD BACK OUT. THE GUYS LOOK INCREDIBLY UNEASY. THE WOMEN LOOK LIKE THEY ARE ABOUT TO EXPLODE.

ERIC:

(with a weak smile) It probably would've been better if they had come in _after_ we told you about them.

RED:

(points to the cooler and smile) See, Kitty, I told you there were fish.

JACKIE TURNS TO FACE HYDE AND UNZIPS HIS COAT TO REVEAL THAT HE IS SHIRTLESS UNDERNEATH.

JACKIE:

(slowly and calmly) Steven, you have no shirt on.

HYDE:

Uh-huh.

JACKIE:

And that skank had your shirt.

HYDE:

Uh-huh.

JACKIE:

(she shoves him backwards)You're un-forgiven, Steven.

HYDE:

Jackie, I had to take my shirt off because Forman threw-up all over me.

ERIC:

(quickly nodding) It's true. See, we were smooshed in between all these girls and it was all hot and sweaty. (looking around at everyone) That didn't help did it?

LAURIE, DONNA, JOANNE AND JACKIE STORM OUT THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR. KITTY FOLLOWS BUT STOPS WHEN SHE IS NEXT TO RED, SHE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF PAPER SHE HAS BEEN HOLDING.

RED:

What's this?

KITTY:

It's a little note I wrote you to let you know how I'm feeling right now, because I just can't bring myself to say the words out loud.

THE GUYS LEAN IN TO READ THE NOTE.

BOB:

(with a frown) Well that's not very nice.

ERIC:

(pointing to the paper) Yeah ... I think that's actually _two_ words.

RED:

Kitty, wait. What about the play? Didn't it teach you something about good will towards men?

KITTY:

(going nutty) No. It didn't. You ruined "A Christmas Carol" for me Red. You might as well have walked up on the stage and pummeled Tiny Tim with his little crutch.

KITTY HEADS OUTSIDE. RED, BOB, FEZ, ERIC AND HYDE STAND THERE WATCHING THE WOMEN GO.

KELSO:

(reading to himself) Dear Penthouse, One night my friends and I ran out of gas ...

THE GUYS STANDING AT THE WINDOW TURN TO SEE KELSO SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE, WRITING. THEY ALL GLARE AT HIM.

KELSO:

What? Too soon?

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, LATER THAT NIGHT. THE SONG, _"HEARTACHE TONIGHT" _BY THE EAGLES PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. HYDE IS IN HIS CHAIR, TOSSING CARDS INTO A HAT. FEZ IS ON THE COUCH, SADLY EATING COOL WHIP OUT OF A BUCKET. ERIC AND KELSO ARE STANDING BEHIND THE COUCH TOSSING A SUPER BALL BACK AND FORTH.

FEZ:

So. What do we do now?

ERIC:

We wait.

FEZ:

For what?

HYDE:

For the Apocalypse to come and end our suffering.

FEZ:

(with a frown) Well I am not waiting. I love Laurie and I need her. I've been to the promised land, and I am not going back to the desert.

KELSO THROWS THE BALL TO ERIC AND GRABS HIS COAT, THEN HE HEADS FOR THE DOOR.

ERIC:

(to Kelso) Where the hell are you going?

KELSO:

(with a grin) I just realized there are five hot, vulnerable women over at Bob's house. And I'm sittin' here in Sausage Town.

HYDE:

(threateningly) Go ahead, walk out that door. See what happens.

ERIC:

(quietly to Kelso) Do it. I kinda wanna see what happens.

KELSO HANGS HIS COAT BACK UP WITH A POUT AND HE AND ERIC START TO TOSS THE BALL AGAIN.

FEZ:

(pouting) I have to see Laurie. We never go to bed angry.

HYDE:

(to Fez) Calm down, ya big girl! Fighting is cool, cause then you get to have angry make-up sex.

FEZ:

(with a smile) Ooh, that sounds sexy. I am in!

ERIC:

Yeah, I mean we can make it one night right?

FEZ:

One night is nothing. I made it eighteen years.

KELSO:

I see a little flaw in your plan. Those ladies are pissed-off and pissed-off ladies can stay pissed-off for a long time. A long, long time.

HYDE:

He's right.

ERIC:

We need to think.

CUT TO CIRCLE THE SONG, _"I WAS MADE FOR LOVIN' YOU"_ BY KISS PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

ERIC:

(in a very loud, game show host) Think-a-dink-dink. Think-a-dink-a-dingdong. (he pauses and frowns) Yeah, I got nothin'.

CUT TO HYDE:

HYDE:

(with a smirk) I already apologized to Jackie, and an apology from me is like a leap year. So, I'm not apologizing again for another four years.

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

How are you gonna get Jackie to forgive you?

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

(grinning wickedly) Oh, I have my ways.

CUT TO FEZ WHO IS DIPPING A POPSICLE INTO HIS TUB OF COOL WHIP AND EATING IT.

FEZ:

Eric, we need to think about what makes Laurie and Donna happy. For example, my beautiful Laurie loves a good burn.

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

Donna loves seeing me do something embarrassing.

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

And she loves kickin' a little ass.

CUT TO KELSO

KELSO:

(excitedly) I got it! Let's let Donna beat up Eric! It gives Donna a chance to beat on somethin' _plus _see Eric get embarrassed, and Laurie will love the sweet burn.

CUT TO FEZ

FEZ:

It's genius! Thank you, Eric.

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

(shaking his head) Wait, wait, wait ... I didn't agree to this plan. In fact I think this plan sucks. I want a new plan. One where I don't get beat up.

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

Sorry, Forman. All good plans involve somebody gettin' beat up. Oh. (he smirks) Or a circle. And since we've taken care of that, somebody gettin' beat up is next on the list.

CUT TO FEZ

FEZ:

(staring at his popsicle) Oh why have I never thought of popsicles and cool whip before.

CUT TO KELSO

KELSO:

Sweet. Two good ideas in one night. (yells spastically) Man, we're on a _ROLL!_

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT. PINCIOTTI KITCHEN, A SHORT WHILE LATER. JOANNE AND KITTY ARE SEATED AT THE KITCHEN TABLE PLAYING CRIBBAGE AND HAVING A DRINK. DONNA ENTERS AND HEADS TO THE FRIDGE.

KITTY:

(to Donna) Are you girls going to sleep?

DONNA:

No, I'm just getting some more food to keep Jackie calm. We're staying up until those losers come crawling over here begging for forgiveness. I wanna see that sad little look in their eyes.

RED AND BOB ENTER, THEY BOTH LOOK EXTREMELY SHEEPISH.

DONNA:(cont'd)

(pointing at Red and Bob) That's it! That's the look.

DONNA GRABS SOME FOOD AND EXITS.

KITTY:

(to Red and Bob) Well, look who it is. Where are your little friends?

JOANNE:

(sarcastically) Probably out doing more charitable work. You know you fellas are very lucky. Most people get the AAA guy when they break down. You boys got the Swedish Bikini Team.

RED:

Kitty, would you prefer I had frozen to death or gotten a ride with those girls?

A LONG PAUSE WHILE KITTY CONTEMPLATES THE QUESTION.

RED:(cont'd)

(mildly irritated) Kitty?

KITTY:

I'm still thinking.

BOB:

(quietly, to Red) I think they would've preferred us turning into icicles, Red.

RED:

We've got a surprise for you. A Christmas surprise.

KITTY:

Let me guess. You told all the neighborhood children there's no such thing as Santa Claus.

RED:

No. (with a mischievous smile) Although that does sound like fun. Here.

RED HANDS KITTY AN ENVELOPE. SHE LOOKS IN IT AND THEN PULLS OUT FOUR TICKETS.

KITTY:

(excitedly) Oh my goodness, tickets to John Denver's Rocky Mountain Christmas in Milwaukee. Oh Red, this is so sweet. You hate John Denver.

RED:

(with a reluctant smile) Yeah, well, I know how watching me do things I hate makes you happy.

KITTY GIVES RED A KISS AND BOB CROSSES TO JOANNE.

BOB:

(smiling at Joanne) I thought we could wear our matching cowboy hats and bandanas. (getting excited) Geez, I hope he plays his banjo.

JOANNE:

(finally gives him a small smile) You know I can't stay mad at you when you talk about banjos.

BOB:

(with a smile and a nod) Nobody can.

BOB GIVES JOANNE A KISS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, LATE THAT NIGHT. THE SONG, _"GO YOUR OWN WAY" _BY FLEETWOOD MAC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. KELSO IS ON THE COUCH WORKING ON HIS LETTER, FEZ IS PACING, HYDE IS IN HIS CHAIR AND ERIC IS IN THE LAWN CHAIR. HYDE AND ERIC ARE TAKING TURNS PLAYING OPERATION, WHICH IS SITTING ON THE COFFEE TABLE.

FEZ:

What time is it?

HYDE:

(fed-up) Five minutes after the last time you asked.

FEZ:

(frantically) I'm never going to make it.

ERIC AND HYDE:

(yelling at Fez) Shut up!

FEZ GOES BACK TO PACING AND HYDE AND ERIC GO BACK TO THEIR GAME.

FEZ:

I miss Laurie.

ERIC AND HYDE:

We know!

FEZ CROSSES TO THE ARM OF THE COUCH AND SITS DOWN.

FEZ:

(in a pained voice) Please let me play, I need something to distract me from my needs.

HYDE:

(to Fez) If you're getting needs then get the hell out of here. Or at least go in the bathroom.

ERIC:

So, I think I've come up with a plan to humiliate myself just enough so that Donna wants to forgive me but not break up with me.

HYDE:

(with a taunting smile) Oh yeah, what's that? Are you gonna go pleasure yourself in her bathroom again?

FEZ:

(grins at Eric) No, maybe he is going to tell her he loves cake.

KELSO:

Why don't you wear hot pants and roller skate?

HYDE:

(shaking his head in disgust) Forman, you have done some really messed-up things.

FEZ:

(nodding) Yes. You are very good at humiliating yourself.

ERIC:

Well, when you find something that works, you stick with it.

KELSO:

(excitedly) Hey guys, do you think the girls are having a sexy slumber party? You know with pillow fights and bubble baths and naked Twister?

ALL THE GUYS GET A FAR-AWAY LOOK. FEZ SUDDENLY LOOKS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

FEZ:

(urgently) I'll be in the bathroom.

FEZ QUICKLY RUNS UP THE STAIRS AS THE OTHERS WATCH HIM GO.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. DONNA'S ROOM, EARLY THE NEXT MORNING. DONNA AND JACKIE ARE SLEEPING IN DONNA'S BED. LAURIE IS ASLEEP ON JACKIE'S OLD COT. DONNA LAZILY WAKES UP AND LOOKS AT HER ALARM CLOCK. WHEN SHE SEES THE TIME SHE BOLTS UPRIGHT IN BED.

DONNA:

(furious) Those bastards! Jackie wake-up.

DONNA GENTLY SHAKES JACKIE WHO STIRS BUT DOESN'T SIT UP.

JACKIE:

(her voice muffled into a pillow)What?

DONNA:

Jackie, it's morning. They didn't cave.

JACKIE SLOWLY SITS UP AND LOOKS AT DONNA'S CLOCK.

JACKIE:

What? (pissed) Steven is a dead man.

JACKIE GETS OUT OF BED WITH A LITTLE DIFFICULTY AND STARTS HEADING TOWARDS THE DOOR WITH DONNA CLOSE BEHIND HER.

DONNA:

Wait, where are you going? What about our plan to make them come to us?

JACKIE:

(seething) New plan. In this plan, instead of waiting for Steven to come over begging for forgiveness - I kill him.

JACKIE YANKS OPEN THE DOOR OF DONNA'S ROOM AND STOPS DEAD IN HER TRACKS AT WHAT SHE SEES IN THE HALLWAY.

CUT TO THE HALLWAY WHERE HYDE IS JUST GETTING OUT OF THE BATHROOM. HE IS WEARING ONLY A TOWEL AND HE IS STILL DRIPPING WET FROM A SHOWER. HE IS HOLDING ONTO A SMALL TOWEL IN HIS RIGHT HAND. HE GRINS, VERY SEXILY WHEN HE SEES JACKIE.

HYDE:

Mornin'

JACKIE LOOKS INCREDIBLY ANXIOUS AND HAS NOTHING TO SAY.

JACKIE:

Um hmm.

DONNA:

(very irritated) Hyde, why the hell are you showering at my house?

HYDE:

Well, there were so many people showering at Red's that Bob said I could come over here and use his shower.

DONNA:

(not buying it) Uh huh. And is there a reason you didn't use the shower at _your_ house?

HYDE STARTS DRYING OFF HIS CHEST AND HAIR WITH THE TOWEL IN HIS HAND.

HYDE:

I was at the Forman's, so, you know ... I was close by. Man, I'm really stiff from sleeping on my old cot last night.

HYDE STARTS TWISTING HIMSELF AROUND AND STRETCHING OUT HIS ARMS LIKE HE'S TRYING TO WORK OUT SOME KINKS, WHEN IN ACTUALITY HE'S JUST FLEXING HIS MUSCLES.

JACKIE:

(quietly) Oh, you poor baby.

DONNA:

(hisses angrily into Jackie's ear) Jackie!

JACKIE:

(turns back to Donna and whispers) What am I supposed to do, Donna? He's all wet and sexy looking.

DONNA:

Stick to the plan.

JACKIE:

(nods at Donna) You're right. (she turns back to Hyde looking like she's going to let him have it) Steven, (she pauses and her expression completely changes) I'm sorry, baby.

JACKIE GRABS HYDE BY THE SHOULDERS AND YANKS HIM INTO HER, THEY START MAKING OUT FRANTICALLY.

DONNA:

Jackie, what the hell? _That_ was not the plan.

JACKIE MOMENTARILY BREAKS AWAY FROM HYDE AND TURNS TO DONNA.

JACKIE:

Screw the plan!

JACKIE SHOVES HYDE INTO THE BATHROOM AND SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND THEM. DONNA STANDS IN THE HALLWAY JUST SHAKING HER HEAD.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY, LATER THAT MORNING. LAURIE AND DONNA STROLL OVER FROM DONNA'S HOUSE.

DONNA:

(to Laurie) Ok, we need a new plan.

LAURIE:

(very bitchy) No, no more plans. Unless your plan includes me sleeping with Fez.

SUDDENLY, THEY STOP AS THEY SEE FEZ AND ERIC STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DRIVEWAY. FEZ IS WEARING JACKIE'S OLD CHEERLEADING UNIFORM AND ERIC IS WEARING DONNA'S OLD CATHOLIC SCHOOL UNIFORM.. HYDE, JACKIE AND KELSO ARE STANDING ON THE PORCH WATCHING WITH GREAT AMUSEMENT.

DONNA:

Eric, what the hell?

ERIC:

(with mock drama) Donna, nothing says I'm sorry like a little drag show. Ready, Fez?

FEZ:

(he nods) Yes indeed, my friend. Laurie, my lovely, (giving her his best cheesy smile) I wrote this for you.

ERIC AND FEZ LOOK AT EACH OTHER, THEY PULL OUT SOME BELLS FROM BEHIND THEIR BACKS AND THEN BEGIN TO SING AND SHAKE THEIR BELLS.

ERIC AND FEZ:

(singing) _"Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells_

_Fez and Eric smell_

_They are jerks and also twerps _

_And they should go to he-ell"_

HYDE:

(with a smile) Somebody has gotta get the damn camera.

ERIC AND FEZ:

(singing) _"Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells _

_Fez and Eric are babies_

_Eric cried, Fez nearly died_

_Because they missed their ladies_

_Hey!"_

THEY FINISH THEIR SONG WITH A POSE AND WAIT FOR DONNA AND LAURIE'S REACTIONS.

KELSO:

(with a dopey smile) Eric, you've got nice legs for a dude.

ERIC:

Donna, please say you forgive me before Kelso asks me out.

DONNA:

(laughing) Come here you naughty little school girl.

DONNA GRABS ERIC AND FORCEFULLY YANKS HIM TOWARDS HER. THEY START MAKING OUT.

FEZ:

Laurie ...

BEFORE HE CAN FINISH LAURIE PUSHES HIM BACKWARDS ONTO THE PORCH. HE FALLS INTO A PATIO CHAIR, SO LAURIE HOPS ONTO HIS LAP AND STARTS MAKING OUT WITH HIM

LAURIE:

(breathlessly breaks their kiss) Oh my God, that was like the longest night ever. How fast can you get that outfit off?

FEZ:

(in his sleazy "Fez" voice) Oh you just watch me.

THEY GO BACK TO MAKING OUT.

HYDE:

(grins at Jackie) I know we already made up, but you wanna do it again?

JACKIE NODS QUICKLY AND THEY TOO START KISSING. RED COMES OUT FROM THE HOUSE AND LOOKS FROM COUPLE TO COUPLE IN THE DRIVEWAY. HE LOOKS EXTREMELY CRANKY.

RED:

Would you dumbasses get your butts in the house before someone sees you. This isn't the damn Playboy Mansion.

THE KIDS ALL BREAK THEIR KISSES AND HEAD INSIDE AS RED JUST SHAKES HIS HEAD.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

INT. AN AUDITORIUM DURING THE "ROCKY MOUNTAIN CHRISTMAS CONCERT" IN THE BACK GROUND JOHN DENVER IS SINGING, _"LITTLE DRUMMER BOY" _BOB, JOANNE AND KITTY ARE ALL SMILING AND SWAYING TO THE MUSIC, BOB IS EVEN SINGING ALONG. RED HAS A VERY ANGRY SCOWL ON HIS FACE.

RED:

(very annoyed) A perky, cripple kid would've been a lot better than this crap.

KITTY TURNS TO RED AND GIVES HIM A GLARE. HE IMMEDIATELY PLASTERS A SMILE ON HIS FACE.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"Us and Them"

The girls throw Jackie a baby shower while the guys battle it out in a snowball fight.


	23. Us And Them

"Us and Them"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Pink Floyd.

I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disaster that was Season 8. This would be Episode 8-16.

Thanks so much to all of you who've reviewed! You guys are awesome!

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S BEDROOM EARLY MORNING. HYDE IS ASLEEP AND JACKIE IS LAYING ON HIS CHEST. SHE IS WIDE AWAKE AND LOOKS VERY ANNOYED. AFTER A FEW SECONDS, SHE PINCHES HYDE ON HIS BARE CHEST. HE IMMEDIATELY WAKES UP AND SITS UP IN BED.

HYDE:

Jackie, What the hell?

JACKIE:

(very cranky) Steven, if I can't sleep - you can't sleep.

HYDE:

(sarcastically) Jackie, I _can_ sleep. That's what we call the thing I was doing before you pinched me.

JACKIE:

(with a sad pout) I slept a total of 45 minutes last night. I have to get up to go to the bathroom every half an hour and when I'm not doing that your children are beating each other up inside me.

HYDE:

Hey, you get to take care of them when they beat each other on the inside. I'll deal with 'em when they do it on the outside.

JACKIE:

(like a sad little kid) I'm never gonna make it another five weeks. I'm exhausted and every part of me hurts. And I can't even paint my own toes anymore. In fact, I'm not even sure I have feet anymore, because I haven't seen them in two months.

HYDE PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HER AND PULLS HER INTO HIM.

HYDE:

Jackie, you still have feet. And they look fine. (he smirks) Other then being all swollen and stuff.

JACKIE:

(giving Hyde a dirty look) You're not helping.

HYDE:

Well, would it help if I told you that I think you look hot.

JACKIE:

You're only saying that because you wanna get me into bed.

HYDE:

That's not true. (a beat) You're already in bed. (with a wicked smile) I just wanna get you out of your pajamas.

JACKIE SMILES WEAKLY AND HYDE GRABS HER FACE AND THEY START KISSING. AFTER A FEW SECONDS THEY STOP AND HYDE LEANS DOWN TO TALK INTO JACKIE'S STOMACH.

HYDE:

Hey, knock it off in there. Gimme five minutes and she's all your again.

JACKIE:

Five minutes?

HYDE:

I'll take two if that's all they're willing to give.

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes in irritation) What can we do in two minutes?

HYDE:

(with a sexy smile) Why don't you quit flapping your lips and I'll show you.

JACKIE GRINS AND HYDE LEANS IN TO KISS HER AND THEY LAY BACK DOWN ON THE BED.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, THAT AFTERNOON. THE LIVING ROOM IS DECORATED FOR CHRISTMAS BUT NOW IT'S ALSO DECORATED FOR A BABY SHOWER. KITTY, LAURIE AND FEZ ARE PUTTING THE FINISHING TOUCHES ON THE DECORATIONS AND THEY ARE ALSO EACH HAVING A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE. RED WALKS IN FROM AND THE KITCHEN AND LOOKS AROUND, CLEARLY IRRITATED.

RED:

Oh cripes, look at this place. It looks like Santa's having a baby.

KITTY:

(with a smile) Well I think it looks beautiful. I bet this is exactly how Jesus' baby shower looked.

FEZ:

But I bet Baby Jesus did not have Champagne at his shower. (he holds up his glass)

LAURIE:

(with a ditzy smile) Or cheese puffs.

HYDE AND JACKIE ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN, HOLDING HANDS. JACKIE LOOKS AROUND IN DELIGHT AND HYDE LOOKS A LITTLE ANNOYED TO BE AT A BABY SHOWER.

JACKIE:

Oh my God, it looks beautiful in here.

SHE DRAGS HYDE OVER TO THE COFFEE TABLE AND PICKS UP A COOKIE.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

(excitedly) Steven look, little pacifier-shaped cookies.

HYDE:

(with a frown) Yeah, I'm outta here. Have fun.

HYDE TURNS TO GO AND KITTY STOPS HIM.

KITTY:

Now Steven, wait one minute. Red, go get the kids their gifts.

RED:

(very cranky) Kitty, do I really have to be here for this? I'm afraid Jackie's going to want to hug me.

KITTY:

Oh stop being such a grouch and go get the gifts.

RED:

(reluctantly) Fine, but if there are tears I'm leaving. (to Fez) Hey - Alibaba, come give me a hand.

FEZ:

It would be my honor Red.

RED AND FEZ EXIT INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

KITTY:

(quietly and very excited) Now, Red's going to pretend like it's no big deal, but he spent days making these and they are just the cutest little things I've ever seen.

JACKIE:

(starting to tear up) Oh my gosh, that's so sweet.

KITTY:

(nervously, to Jackie) No, no. Don't do that. It will only make Red angry.

RED AND FEZ ENTER FROM THE LIVING ROOM. THEY ARE EACH CARRYING A BASSINET. THEY SET THEM DOWN IN FRONT OF JACKIE AND HYDE AND EVERYONE STARES AT THEM, THEY ARE BEAUTIFULLY MADE AND PAINTED WHITE. JACKIE AND HYDE LOOK SHOCKED.

JACKIE:

Mr. Forman, I don't know what to say.

LAURIE:

(sweetly) Daddy, those are beautiful.

FEZ:

(smiling at Red) Mr. Red, you are gifted.

RED:

(glares at Fez) Shut it.

FEZ:

(nervously) Yes. Ok.

HYDE:

Red, you made these for us?

RED LOOKS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH ALL THE ATTENTION SO HE PUTS ON HIS BEST GROUCHY FACE.

RED:

Well you two morons went out and bought cribs. You can't put newborns in cribs. The cribs are too damn big and the babies are too damn small. It just won't work. So ... these are what you need.

HYDE:

(very sincerely) Thanks Red.

RED:

(with a scowl) Yeah well ... Kitty made me.

JACKIE TRIES TO TALK BUT CAN'T. SO, INSTEAD, SHE RUSHES TO RED AND THROWS HER ARMS AROUND HIS NECK.

RED:

(giving Kitty a frown) I told you there would be hugging.

KITTY SMILES PROUDLY AND HYDE TRIES TO PRY JACKIE OFF OF RED.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING. THE SONG, _"COLD AS ICE" _BY FOREIGNER PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. HYDE IS SITTING ON HIS CHAIR, HE LOOKS LOST IN HIS THOUGHTS. ERIC AND DONNA ARE ON THE COUCH. ERIC HAS HIS ARM AROUND DONNA. KELSO IS BENT OVER INSIDE THE FREEZER.

KELSO:

(pops up out of the freezer and smiles excitedly) Check it out, a Push-Up! (he holds up a Push-Up for everyone to see)

ERIC:

Where the hell did you find that?

KELSO:

(with a laugh) Under all those stupid popsicles.

DONNA:

(sarcastically) Just think of all the years we wasted eating popsicles when we could've been eating Push-Ups.

KELSO:

(with a huge smile) I know!

ERIC:

(to Kelso) Pass 'em out my friend.

KELSO GOES BACK INTO THE DEEP FREEZE AND COMES OUT WITH THREE PUSH-UPS. HE TOSSES ONE TO DONNA AND ONE TO ERIC THEN HOLDS ONE OUT FOR HYDE.

KELSO:

Push-Up man?

HYDE:

(ignoring Kelso) I'm gonna have two kids in five weeks. Five weeks.

KELSO:

(very confused) So does that mean you don't want a Push-Up?

DONNA:

(smiling at Hyde) I didn't realize it was getting that close. Aren't you excited?

HYDE:

Are you kidding? I'm terrified.

ERIC:

I'm terrified too.

DONNA:

(to Eric) Why are _you_ scared?

ERIC:

Because there are going to be two kids in the world with the combined genetics of Hyde and Jackie. That's taking their individual evil and multiplying it.

DONNA:

(a little stunned) Wow.

ERIC:

Can't you just see them running around terrorizing Point Place with their tiny Zeppelin shirts and super curly hair.

DONNA:

(with a chuckle) Yeah, and they'll be screaming about the government and cars that run on water .

HYDE:

(ignoring them) I've got five weeks left before I have to be a responsible, law-abiding adult. Do you know how many laws I'm gonna have to break in the next five weeks?

ERIC:

We should do something. Something really fun, yet also dangerous and incredibly stupid.

KELSO:

Fun, danger _and_ stupidity? Those are like my three favorite things in the whole world man!

ERIC:

I've got it - (he pauses dramatically) a snowball fight.

HYDE:

(with a wicked grin) That's perfect. Pummeling Kelso and Fez always makes me feel better.

KELSO:

Snowball fights are awesome man! They're super dangerous!

DONNA:

How is a snowball fight dangerous?

ERIC:

Because we stuff every other snowball with a rock.

DONNA:

Why the hell would you do that?

ERIC:

Because the fear of injury adds a whole other level of fun to a snowball fight.

KELSO:

I'm in. But I better warn you guys, you're in for a world of hurt if you go up against Officer Michael Kelso. See, now that I'm a cop I'm a pretty tough guy.

HYDE:

(pointing at Kelso) Hey tough guy - you've got a little Push-Up juice dripping down your chin.

KELSO:

Oh. Thanks dude. (he wipes his chin)

HYDE:

(with a nod) No problem. I'll take that Push-up now.

KELSO TOSSES A PUSH-UP TO HYDE. HE TAKES THE WRAPPER OFF THE TOP AND STARTS EATING IT. HE LOOKS AT IT STRANGELY.

HYDE:

Huh. (he pauses) Push-Ups.

ERIC:

(staring at his Push-up in astonishment) I know. It's mind boggling.

DONNA LOOKS AT THE GUYS AND JUST LAUGHS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, LATER THAT AFTERNOON. JOANNE, LAURIE AND KITTY ARE ON THE COUCH. THERE ARE PRESENTS LAYING AROUND EVERYWHERE AND JACKIE IS STANDING NEXT TO RED'S CHAIR BEHIND TWO BABY SWINGS. SHE HAS A HUGE SMILE ON HER FACE.

JACKIE:

Thank you so much for the swings Joanne. (she frowns) I just hope one of the guys doesn't try to sit in them.

LAURIE:

(with a shrug) Oh they will.

JOANNE:

(to Jackie) You are going to _love_ them. They're miracle workers.

KITTY:

(nods in agreement) It's true, they're like Valium for babies. You put a baby in a swing and they're out like a little night-light. (she laughs)

LAURIE:

(excitedly) Do mine next.

LAURIE STANDS UP, CROSSES TO JACKIE AND HANDS HER A PRESENT. IT'S A LARGE BASKET STUFFED WITH ALL SORTS OF THINGS.

JACKIE:

(taking things out of the basket to look at them) Look at all this stuff. Shampoo, baby lotion, little tiny afro picks ... (excitedly) and you bought the expensive shampoo.

LAURIE:

(with a ditzy smile) A good looking baby is a happy baby.

JACKIE:

Thank you Laurie.

LAURIE:

You're welcome. There was some baby oil in there too. But Fez stole it.

KITTY:

(quickly) Ok, that's probably all we need to know about that story.

THE KITCHEN DOOR OPENS AND DONNA POKES HER HEAD OUT.

DONNA:

(to the girls) Can somebody hold open the door for me please?

JOANNE GETS UP AND OPENS THE DOOR FOR DONNA. SHE IS PULLING TWO HIGH CHAIRS BEHIND HER AND SHE SETS THEM NEXT TO JACKIE.

DONNA:

Ok, here they are. Two highchairs for two babies.

JACKIE:

(in shock) Donna, I can't believe you bought these.

DONNA:

(with a smirk) Well you know me, it's always gotta be about food.

JACKIE:

(quietly) They're so expensive.

DONNA:

Who am I gonna spend my money on? Eric?

JACKIE:

(with a nod) Good point. The babies are clearly the better choice.

DONNA JUST ROLLS HER EYES AND LAUGHS, THEN HEADS OVER TO THE COUCH AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO LAURIE JUST AS KITTY HOPS UP AND CLAPS EXCITEDLY.

KITTY:

Alright my turn, my turn. My turn!

SHE HEADS BACK BEHIND THE COUCH AND BRINGS OUT A BIG BOX WRAPPED IN BABY PAPER. JACKIE SITS DOWN IN RED'S CHAIR AND KITTY SETS THE PRESENT IN HER LAP. KITTY HOVERS OVER JACKIE WHILE SHE OPENS IT.

JACKIE:

You know, all these presents almost make getting fat worth it.

JACKIE PULLS OUT TWO IDENTICAL BLANKETS IN YELLOW, THEN SHE PULLS OUT TWO IN PINK AND TWO IN BLUE.

KITTY:

(with a huge smile) Well, you never know right?

THEN JACKIE PULLS OUT TWO MATCHING YELLOW SLEEPERS AND LITTLE HATS AND FINALLY TWO TINY TEDDY BEARS. JACKIE HAS A HUGE SMILE ON HER FACE.

JACKIE:

Mrs. Forman they're so beautiful. (holding up the sleepers and looking at them) And they're so tiny. They're tiny _and_ beautiful. (with a hand on her chest) Just like me. (sweetly) They're perfect. Thank you.

KITTY:

You're welcome sweetie.

JACKIE STANDS UP AND GIVES KITTY A HUG. THEY ARE INTERRUPTED BY A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

JACKIE:

Who's that?

KITTY:

(excitedly) _That _is the second part of your present.

LAURIE:

Is it strippers?

EVERYONE LOOKS AT LAURIE STRANGELY, SHE JUST SHRUGS. KITTY CROSSES TO THE DOOR WITH JACKIE CLOSE BEHIND HER. KITTY OPENS THE DOOR AND PAM IS STANDING OUTSIDE.

PAM:

Surprise honey!

JACKIE:

(stunned) Mom?

DONNA:

(to Laurie under her breath) Strippers would've been better.

LAURIE FROWNS AND NODS IN AGREEMENT.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, A SHORT WHILE LATER. HYDE AND ERIC ARE STANDING AT THE FRIDGE. THEY HAVE A BIG STACK OF SNOWBALLS ON THE COUNTER AND THEY ARE PUTTING THEM IN THE FREEZER WHEN RED COMES IN FROM OUTSIDE.

RED:

(with a scowl as he watches them) What in the hell are you dumbasses doing?

HYDE:

(grinning wickedly) Freezing snowballs.

RED:

Isn't snow already frozen?

ERIC:

Yeah, but sticking them in the freezer makes them harder which, in turn, makes them more dangerous. (he smiles)

HYDE:

(nods in agreement) Yeah, so when we throw 'em at Fez and Kelso's big, dumb heads they'll really leave a mark.

RED:

So you two idiots are going to spend the day throwing rock-hard snow balls at Kelso and the foreign kid?

ERIC:

(shrugs) Pretty much, yeah.

RED:

(with an evil smile) Sounds like fun.

HYDE:

(pats Red on the back) Alright. With Red on our team we'll kick even more ass.

FEZ, KELSO AND BOB ENTER THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR.

BOB:

(to Red, Hyde and Eric) Hey guys, guess what? Fez and Kelso invited me to your snowball fight.

KELSO:

(with a cocky smile) Yeah, Bob's gonna be on our team. (he indicates himself, Fez and Bob) So now it's three against two. (he points to Hyde and Eric)

ERIC:

Not exactly, meet _our_ new teammate.

RED STEPS FORWARD AND SMILES, MENACINGLY, AT THE OTHER THREE GUYS.

BOB:

(with a scared frown) Aw geez.

RED:

(smiling) What a great day.

RED, ERIC AND HYDE LOOK EXTREMELY PROUD OF THEMSELVES. THE OTHER GUYS LOOK A LITTLE UNEASY.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

EXT. FORMAN YARD, A SHORT WHILE LATER. THE ENTIRE YARD IS COVERED IN SNOW. RED, HYDE AND ERIC ARE SITTING BEHIND A SMALL WALL MADE OF SNOW. THEY EACH HAVE A BUCKET FILLED WITH SNOWBALLS. THEY HAVE THEIR BACKS LEANED UP AGAINST THE SNOW FORT. RED AND HYDE LOOK CALM AND COLLECTED BUT ERIC LOOKS A LITTLE ANTSY.

ERIC:

(quietly, to Red) What are we waiting for? Let's attack.

RED:

(shakes his head) Not yet. We've gotta make 'em sweat a little more. You have to lull your enemy into a false sense of security. (he smiles, evilly) And _then_ you open fire on their asses.

ERIC:

So what do we do while we wait?

HYDE REACHES INTO THE POCKETS OF HIS COAT AND PULLS OUT A COUPLE OF CANS OF BEER.

HYDE:

How 'bout a beer?

RED:

(giving Hyde an approving nod) We could've used a man like you in Korea.

HYDE GIVES A BEER TO ERIC AND RED AND THEN PULLS OUT ANOTHER ONE FOR HIMSELF. THEY CRACK THEM OPEN AND ENJOY.

CUT TO FEZ, KELSO AND BOB. THEY ARE HIDING BEHIND THEIR OWN SNOW FORT. BOB LOOKS NERVOUS, KELSO LOOKS SPACED OUT AND FEZ IS EATING SOME CANDY.

BOB:

(whispering to Kelso) What do you think they're doing over there?

KELSO:

Probably talking about how good looking I am. (with a dopey smile) You can talk about that for hours.

FEZ:

(holds out a box of candy to Bob) Hot tamale?

BOB:

(with a smile) Thank you.

BOB TAKES SOME CANDY FROM FEZ AND THE GUYS GO BACK TO SITTING IN SILENCE FOR A FEW SECONDS.

BOB:(cont'd)

(talking with his mouth full) Maybe one of us should go spy on them. You know like a scout.

KELSO:

(in his "cop" voice) Down at the station we call that guy, "the point man". And if there's one thing I've learned from being a cop it's that the point man gets shot a lot more than the guy who stays behind the protective barrier. So, I'm gonna stay here.

FEZ:

(with a pout) My ass is frozen to the ground. We have been sitting here forever.

KELSO:

Wait, this happened to me once in a stakeout. See, I sat there forever outside of this guy's apartment and I was like, "man, this guy is _NEVER_ comin' out." And then I realized that I was at the wrong place.

BOB:

(looking around) I'm pretty sure we're at the right place.

FEZ:

(getting angry) I bet those bastards aren't even outside anymore. I bet they are sitting inside the nice, warm kitchen having a beer and laughing at us.

BOB:

You're probably right. (sadly) Boy, I sure would like to be warm too.

KELSO:

So what do we do?

FEZ:

We stand up and take a look.

BOB:

(to Fez) All of us or just you?

FEZ:

(hisses at Bob) All of us.

SLOWLY THEY STAND UP. NOTHING HAPPENS. THEY LOOK AROUND NERVOUSLY AND THEN KELSO SMILES A BIG, DUMB GRIN.

KELSO:

Sweet. (he shrugs) They're gone.

SUDDENLY SNOWBALLS COME FLYING THROUGH THE AIR, HITTING EACH ONE OF THEM. KELSO GETS NAILED RIGHT IN THE CROTCH AND IMMEDIATELY GOES DOWN IN A HEAP. FEZ AND BOB DUCK DOWN BEHIND THEIR FORT.

KELSO:

(face first in the snow) Holy crap! I think that one had a rock in it.

BOB:

(rubbing his shoulder) Geez that really hurt.

FEZ:

(nodding in agreement as he rubs his head) Yes. Hyde likes to freeze his snowballs to make them extra hard. (with a sad pout) He is an awful, awful person.

BOB:

This calls for some extreme measures. We're gonna go kamikaze on them. So, run like hell and throw a snowball at anything that moves.

FEZ:

(nods, determinedly) Got it my friend. (he pauses and think for a second, then he frowns) Wait. We are going to get hit a lot aren't we?

BOB:

Probably.

FEZ:

I see. Is there a plan where we don't get hit a lot?

BOB:

None that come to mind.

KELSO:

(yells spastically) Guys, my nuts really hurt!

BOB AND FEZ TURN TO STARE AT KELSO, WHO IS STILL FACE DOWN IN THE SNOW.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING. DONNA AND JOANNE ARE STANDING AT THE WINDOW, WATCHING THE SNOWBALL FIGHT GOING ON OUTSIDE. LAURIE AND JACKIE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH EATING. PAM AND KITTY WALK OUT OF THE KITCHEN CARRYING SOME CHAMPAGNE.

DONNA:

(laughing) Holy crap, Fez and Kelso are getting pummeled.

JOANNE:

Wow, look at Bob run. He's faster than he looks.

SUDDENLY A SNOW BALL HITS THE WINDOW RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE GIRLS. DONNA WAVES AT ERIC.

DONNA:

(yells through the window excitedly) Hi honey! Nice shot!

CUT TO JACKIE ON THE COUCH. PAM WALKS UP TO HER CARRYING TWO CHAMPAGNE FLUTES. SHE HOLDS ONE OUT FOR JACKIE.

PAM:

Here sweetheart, have some champagne.

JACKIE:

(very irritated) Mom? I'm pregnant.

PAM:

Yes and a little champagne just takes the edge off those nasty Braxton-Hicks contractions.

JACKIE JUST ROLLS HER EYES AT PAM AND IGNORES HER. PAM SITS DOWN NEXT TO JACKIE.

KITTY:

(to all the girls) Alright, so I thought we could play some games.

PAM:

(with a phony smile) Maybe we should have a few more cocktails before we do that.

LAURIE:

(giving Kitty a pout) Games Mom? Couldn't we just talk about our sex lives instead?

KITTY:

Don't be silly, it'll be fun.

PAM:

Cocktails are fun too.

KITTY:

Alright, now, everybody gets some yarn and what you do is you cut it as big as you think Jackie's waist is. And the one who's closest wins.

KITTY STARTS PASSING OUT BALLS OF YARN AND TINY SCISSORS TO EVERYONE.

DONNA:

(nervously) You want us to guess how large Jackie's waist is?

KITTY:

Uh-huh.

DONNA:

This is a dangerous game.

LAURIE:

Yeah, Jackie'll probably kill the winner.

PAM:

Before we play your little game Kitty, I have a gift for Jackie.

JACKIE:

(with a smile) You got me a gift?

PAM:

Of course I did.

PAM REACHES INTO HER PURSE, PULLS OUT A CARD AND HOLDS IT OUT FOR JACKIE.

PAM:

Here you go sweetie.

JACKIE TAKES THE CARD AND OPENS IT. HER SMILE FADES WHEN SHE LOOKS INSIDE.

JACKIE:

(to Pam) Money? You gave me money?

PAM:

(fussing with Jackie's hair) Well, I didn't really have time to pick anything out. And anyway, money is the gift that keeps on giving sweetheart.

JACKIE LOOKS SADLY AT THE MONEY AND THEN LOOKS AT THE GIFTS EVERYONE ELSE HAS GIVEN HER. EVERYONE SITS IN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE. DONNA, REALIZING WHAT IS GOING ON IMMEDIATELY STANDS UP AND HOLDS OUT HER CUT PIECE OF YARN, WHICH IS HUGE.

DONNA:

Here you go Jackie!

JACKIE:

(gives Donna a small smile) Donna, you were supposed to cut a piece the size of my waist - not the size of your foot.

DONNA:

Come here midget, let's measure that gigantic belly of yours.

JACKIE STICKS OUT HER TONGUE AT DONNA, WHO JUST LAUGHS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

EXT. FORMAN YARD, A SHORT WHILE LATER. ERIC, RED AND HYDE ARE SITTING BEHIND THEIR SNOW FORT. THEY'RE GLOATING.

HYDE:

(yelling over the top of the fort) Give up yet losers?

KELSO:

(voice only) Never!

A FEW SECONDS PASS BEFORE KELSO YELLS AGAIN.

KELSO:(cont'd)

(voice only) Ok ... apparently my teammates feel differently. They'd like to negotiate a cease fire.

RED:

(triumphantly) This is like defeating Germany, Italy and Japan all over again.

HYDE:

So, who do we send in as our negotiator?

ERIC:

(to Hyde) Well, not you. Your idea of negotiating is knocking someone unconscious.

HYDE:

Hey, it finishes the fight doesn't it?

RED:

(with a wicked grin he shakes his head) Oh no. There will be no cease fire. We've got 'em right where we want 'em. Let's finish the job.

ERIC:

(whining) But it's cold and I'm getting hungry.

RED:

(frowns at Eric) Then eat some snow. Let's go Steven. Aim for the knees this time. Once we've got them on the ground Eric will come in and finish the job.

ERIC:

(excitedly) You mean it? I get to strike the final blow?

RED:

You've earned it. That last shot to Bob's head was right on.

ERIC:

(with a shrug) Yeah well I can't take all the credit. His afro just stands out so nicely against the white snow.

RED:

Alright men, good luck. I'll see you on the other side.

SLOW MOTION

RED AND HYDE RISE UP FROM BEHIND THEIR FORT. FEZ, KELSO AND BOB RISE UP FROM BEHIND THEIRS. HYDE AND RED IMMEDIATELY BEGIN BOMBARDING THEM WITH SNOWBALLS TO THE LEGS. BOB GOES DOWN FIRST AND HE GRABS ONTO FEZ PULLING HIM DOWN TOO. KELSO IS RUNNING FULL SPEED AHEAD, SPASTICALLY WHIPPING SNOWBALLS EVERYWHERE. HE'S NOT WATCHING WHERE HE'S GOING AND HE TRIPS ON FEZ AND BOB, WHO ARE LAYING ON THE GROUND. KELSO GOES DOWN ON TOP OF THEM. ERIC POPS OUT FROM BEHIND THE FORT AND RUNS OVER TO THE GUYS WHO ARE LYING IN A HEAP IN THE SNOW. ERIC LEANS DOWN GRABS A HANDFUL OF SNOW AND WHITE-WASHES FEZ IN THE FACE. KELSO WEAKLY PUSHES HIMSELF UP AND THROWS ONE FINAL SNOWBALL.

CUT TO THE SNOWBALL FLYING THROUGH THE AIR HEADED STRAIGHT TOWARDS RED. ERIC WATCHES IT GO, THEN HE LOOKS AROUND TO FIND HYDE.

CUT TO HYDE WHO IS PELTING THE GUYS ON THE GROUND WITH SNOWBALLS AND LAUGHING WICKEDLY. HE IS OBLIVIOUS TO THE SNOWBALL HEADING TOWARDS RED.

CUT BACK TO ERIC WHO, WITH A DETERMINED LOOK IN HIS EYE STARTS SPRINTING TOWARDS RED. HE MAKES IT JUST BEFORE THE SNOWBALL DOES AND HE DIVES IN FRONT OF RED.

ERIC:

(voice in slow motion) Nooooooooo ...

THE SNOWBALL NAILS ERIC IN THE FOREHEAD AND HE GOES CRASHING TO THE GROUND. END SLOW MOTION

CUT TO FEZ, KELSO AND BOB ON THE GROUND.

FEZ:

(freaking out) Oh my God, you have killed Eric!

THE THREE GUYS ON THE GROUND SCRAMBLE UP AND HEAD OVER TO WHERE ERIC IS LAYING ON THE GROUND. RED IS STANDING OVER ERIC AND HYDE COMES OVER TO JOIN THEM. ERIC SITS UP. HE LOOKS VERY DAZED.

KELSO:

(yells very loudly at Eric) ERIC! SPEAK TO US.

HYDE:

He's not deaf you moron.

KELSO:

(arms waving spastically) He might be Hyde!

ERIC:

(his voice cracking) Did we win?

RED:

You bet we did son. We kicked their asses.

ERIC:

Great. (looking around, dazed) Hey? What am I doing down here?

BOB:

You took one in the noggin for your dad. It was beautiful.

FEZ:

(looking a little teary-eyed) He's right. It was the emotional highlight of my day.

HYDE:

_And_ it was frickin' hysterical.

RED SCOWLS AT HYDE AS KELSO AND FEZ HELP ERIC STAND UP.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, A SHORT WHILE LATER. JACKIE IS SITTING IN RED'S CHAIR LOOKING AT SOME OF THE PRESENTS IN HER LAP. JOANNE AND KITTY ARE ON THE COUCH. LAURIE AND DONNA ARE ON THE PIANO BENCH HAVING A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE. KELSO, HYDE AND FEZ ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN. KELSO HEADS RIGHT FOR THE BABY SWINGS.

KELSO:

(yells excitedly) Alright! Little tiny swings!

JACKIE:

(threateningly) Michael, don't you dare!

DONNA:

(to the guys) Where's Eric?

KELSO:

Eric was what you might call a "casualty of war".

RED AND BOB, EACH HOLDING ONE OF ERIC'S ARMS ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN. ERIC GIVES EVERYONE A SPACED-OUT SMILE. DONNA GETS UP AND CROSSES TO ERIC.

DONNA:

Eric, what happened to you?

ERIC:

(very out of it) Pretty Donna. Hi pretty Donna.

LAURIE:

(laughing at Eric) Is he drunk?

HYDE:

He had a little accident.

FEZ:

Yes, he took a snowball to the melon to save Red.

KITTY:

Oh that is so sweet.

RED:

(grumpy) Yeah well ... he has a hard head he'll be fine.

PAM COMES DOWN THE STAIRS.

PAM:

(with a very fake smile) You know Kitty, you bathroom has wonderful lighting, considering how small it is.

KELSO:

(yelps indignantly when he sees Pam) UH! (quietly to the guys) I'm outside getting snowballs whipped at my naughty parts when I could've been in here staring at Jackie's mom.

PAM:

(to Kitty) Thank you so much for the champagne and the sugar cookies. But I really have to run. Now Jackie, make sure you call me when you go into labor. (with a snotty laugh) Unless it's in the middle of the night, then just call me after the babies are born.

JACKIE:

(with a small smile) Sure Mom.

PAM:

Could one of you boys walk me to my car?

KELSO:

(raises his hand) I'LL DO IT!

PAM:

(with a wave good-bye) Well, bye all. It's always a pleasure, (a beat) for you I mean.

PAM SMILES AND TAKES KELSO'S ARM. THEY EXIT AND EVERYONE WATCHES THEM GO.

KITTY:

(irritated) Well who needs another drink? I know I do.

JOANNE:

I'll help you Kitty. Come on Bob, you can tell me some of your war stories.

SHE GETS UP AND CROSSES TO BOB.

BOB:

(smiling at Joanne) Did you see me out there? I got off a couple nice shots.

KITTY, JOANNE AND BOB HEAD INTO THE KITCHEN. RED HANDS OFF ERIC TO DONNA.

RED:

Here you go, your very own skinny, twitchy moron. Merry Christmas.

RED EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN.

DONNA:

How do you feel Eric?

ERIC:

(trying to focus on Donna) A little better. Now there are only two of you instead of three.

KELSO COMES BACK INSIDE WITH A BIG, DUMB GRIN ON HIS FACE.

KELSO:

That was _awesome! _Pam was a little tipsy so she was totally leaning into me. (with a dopey laugh) I love the chicks that drink.

FEZ:

(to Hyde and Jackie) Jackie, we have bought you and your two dueling babies a present.

JACKIE:

(claps excitedly) Yay! (she pauses and frowns) Wait ... it's not candy and porn is it?

KELSO:

No, we'll save that for Christmas.

FEZ:

Now, if you would just put this on.

FEZ PULLS A BLINDFOLD OUT HIS POCKET AND GOES TO PUT IT ON JACKIE. HE IS STOPPED BY AN IRRITATED HYDE.

HYDE:

Uh-uh. Nobody's blindfolding my wife except me.

JACKIE:

Oh relax Steven, this will be so fun. (to Fez) Hey, you should blindfold both Steven and I.

DONNA:

(looks a little disgusted) Ok, let's try to keep the kink out of the baby shower.

FEZ PULLS ANOTHER BLINDFOLD OUT OF HIS POCKET.

HYDE:

Fez, you keep two blindfolds in your pocket?

FEZ:

Yes, well, Laurie usually carries her own, but she did not have any pockets today.

JACKIE IMMEDIATELY THROWS THE BLINDFOLD ACROSS THE ROOM. EVERYBODY STARES AT LAURIE AND FEZ WHO JUST GAZE AT EACH OTHER.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 5

EXT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S BACKYARD, A SHORT WHILE LATER. A LARGE JUNGLE GYM HAS BEEN PUT UP. HYDE AND JACKIE BOTH HAVE THEIR EYES CLOSED. DONNA LEADS HYDE WHILE LAURIE AND FEZ GUIDE JACKIE. THEY POSITION JACKIE AND HYDE IN FRONT OF THE JUNGLE GYM.

DONNA:

Ok we're here.

HYDE:

Can I open my freakin' eyes now?

DONNA:

(laughing at Hyde) Yep. I think we all got a good laugh. Open 'em up.

HYDE AND JACKIE OPEN THEIR EYES AND STARE AT THE JUNGLE GYM.. THEY BOTH LOOK A LITTLE STUNNED.

JACKIE:

(with a laugh) Oh my God you got them a jungle gym.

KELSO:

(grinning from ear-to-ear) Not just a jungle gym, a _super fun_ jungle gym!

HYDE:

When the hell did you guys put this up?

ERIC:

Oh ... about five o'clock this morning.

HYDE:

Man. (shaking his head) I've gotta look out the window more often.

ERIC:

(with a shrug) Eh, it's Point Place. There's not that much to see.

JACKIE:

(excitedly pulling on Hyde's arm) Steven, now our kids are going to be the best looking kids _and_ the kids with the coolest jungle gym.

HYDE:

(with a smirk) Yep. They're gonna rule.

JACKIE SMILES AT THE GUYS AND GOES DOWN THE LINE GIVING ERIC, THEN FEZ THEN KELSO A KISS ON THE CHEEK. HYDE GLARES AT KELSO.

KELSO:

(throws his hands up spastically) Don't even think about beating me up. She kissed me, I'm just standing here waiting to play on the super fun jungle gym.

FEZ:

(smiling excitedly) Yes. May we please play now?

JACKIE:

(shrugs) Fine.

ERIC, KELSO AND FEZ TAKE OFF RUNNING AND START PLAYING ON THE JUNGLE GYM.

DONNA:

(calling after Eric) Eric, be careful you still look a little dizzy.

LAURIE:

He always looks like that.

HYDE:

(yells, threateningly at the guys) Hey, if you guys break my kids' swings I'm kicking you asses. (Hyde pauses and watches the guys play) Look at those morons.

JACKIE:

(with a small smile) Steven, you wanna play with them don't you?

HYDE:

Maybe.

JACKIE:

(rolls her eyes and sighs) Go ahead.

HYDE JOINS THE OTHER GUYS ON THE JUNGLE GYM WHILE THE GIRLS JUST WATCH AND LAUGH.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 6

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, THAT NIGHT. ERIC AND DONNA ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE. DONNA HAS SOME FIRST AID SUPPLIES AND SHE IS TENDING TO ERIC'S SCRAPED-UP FOREHEAD.

DONNA:

(teasing) Wow you had a busy day. Who gets beamed in the head with a snow ball _and_ falls off of a jungle gym in one day?

ERIC:

Apparently I do. (pulls back away from Donna) Ow.

DONNA:

(laughing) I haven't even touched you yet.

ERIC:

I know, but see, you're gonna use the alcohol and the alcohol stings. My mom uses the peroxide.

DONNA:

That's because she babies you. I'm gonna toughen you up.

ERIC:

(with a cheesy grin) But then I won't be the sensitive, caring man you know and love.

DONNA:

Come here you big baby.

DONNA GENTLY CLEANS OFF HIS FOREHEAD AND STARTS PUTTING A BAND-AID ON HIM.

ERIC:

(smiling at Donna) I could get used to this.

DONNA:

(trying not to laugh) What? Getting injured?

ERIC:

No, my beautiful lady nursing me back to health. (sarcastically) You know Donna you're gonna make some lucky guy a great wife one of these days.

DONNA:

(with a teasing smile) Well, when I meet the guy I'll be sure to tell him you said so.

ERIC PAUSES AND SUDDENLY LOOKS VERY SERIOUS.

ERIC:

But you don't wanna get married. Right?

DONNA SEEMS A LITTLE TAKEN ABACK BY THE QUESTION AND IS MOMENTARILY SILENT.

DONNA:

Huh? (quickly) Oh. No, of course not.

THEY BOTH SIT IN SILENCE FOR A FEW SECONDS UNTIL ERIC SMILES WEAKLY.

ERIC:

My mom gives me a lollipop when she's done fixing my boo-boos.

DONNA:

(with a laugh) Do you want a lollipop?

ERIC:

No. But I would like a little sympathy nookie.

DONNA PLAYFULLY SMACKS HIM ON THE ARM AND THEY BOTH LAUGH.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S LIVING ROOM., LATE THAT NIGHT. JACKIE AND HYDE ARE ON THE COUCH. JACKIE IS SLEEPING WITH HER HEAD IN HYDE'S LAP AND HE IS WATCHING TV WHEN THE DOORBELL RINGS.

HYDE:

(gently nudging her) Jackie, wake up. I've gotta get the door.

JACKIE:

(snuggling down deeper into his lap) No. I'm tired and you're comfy. They'll go away eventually.

HYDE:

I'm pretty sure you want me to get the door. (he pauses and looks a little uncomfortable) See, I got you a present too.

JACKIE:

(quickly sits up and smiles) Well then hurry up and answer the door!

HYDE GETS UP AND HEADS TO THE DOOR. HE OPENS IT TO REVEAL DONNA AND LAURIE.

JACKIE:

Donna and Laurie are my present?

HYDE:

No, this is your present. (he reaches into his pocket and holds up a bottle of nail polish) They're just here to put it on you.

JACKIE:

(with a hand over her heart) Oh Steven ...

HYDE:

(points at her) And Jackie, this falls into the "never ever tell anyone about this" category.

HYDE QUICKLY EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN AND LAURIE AND DONNA JOIN JACKIE ON THE COUCH.

DONNA:

Alright Jackie, let's see those puffy feet.

JACKIE PUTS HER FEET UP ON THE COFFEE TABLE.

LAURIE:

You know Jackie, you've done an amazing job with Hyde.

JACKIE:

(smiling) Thank you Laurie. And you've made Fez a lot less creepy. And Donna, you've done a nice job with Eric too. (with a shrug) Considering what you have to work with.

DONNA:

Those dillholes are so lucky to have us.

THE GIRLS ALL SMILE AND NOD IN AGREEMENT.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"Joy To The World"

Merry Christmas Point Place! Christmas brings out the romantic in Hyde and the need to propose in Eric.


	24. Joy To The World

"Joy To The World"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Three Dog Night.

I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disaster that was Season 8. This would be episode 8-17.

This would be an hour long episode. There are several Christmas movies referenced throughout the episode along with dialogue from those movies - and I don't own those either. But they do make me smile!

All bumpers for this episode would have a Christmas theme to them.

Thanks to everybody who has taken the time to read and review. Merry (very early) Christmas!

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, DEC. 23, AFTERNOON. THE KIDS ARE ALL WATCHING TV. "WHITE CHRISTMAS" IS ON AND IT'S THE END OF THE MOVIE. THE SONG, _"WHITE CHRISTMAS"_ CAN BE HEARD COMING FROM THE TV. KELSO IS IN RED'S CHAIR. HYDE, JACKIE, LAURIE AND FEZ ARE ON THE COUCH. DONNA AND ERIC ARE ON THE PIANO BENCH. JACKIE AND LAURIE ARE MESMERIZED BY THE MOVIE.

JACKIE AND LAURIE:

(in unison and pointing at the TV) I love those dresses!

THEY TURN TO EACH OTHER, EXCITEDLY, WHEN THEY REALIZE THEY HAVE SAID THE SAME THING.

JACKIE AND LAURIE:(cont'd)

(again in unison) Me too!

JACKIE:

(turning back to the TV) Here comes my favorite part. (she puts her hand on her heart) Look, she gave him a White Knight.

HYDE:

(with a wicked smirk) Here comes _my_ favorite part. Bing bags the hot chick.

KELSO:

How sweet would it be if your name was Bing!

EVERYONE IMMEDIATELY TURNS TO KELSO AND GIVES HIM A VERY STRANGE LOOK.

KELSO:(cont'd)

What? Bing's a super sweet name!

JACKIE:

(laying her head on Hyde's shoulder) Steven, you're my White Knight.

FEZ:

(smiles at Hyde and nods) It's true. He is.

HYDE:

(very annoyed) Fez, what the hell? I am _not_ a White Knight.

FEZ:

Oh I'm sorry, I misunderstood. I thought she said, "high as a kite".

KITTY ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN WITH RED BEGRUDGINGLY FOLLOWING HER. KITTY IS CARRYING A HAT, SOME PAPER AND PENS.

ERIC:

(impatiently) Mom, would you please tell us what we're doing up here?

KELSO:

Yeah, cause our beer supply's running low so if we're gonna be a while somebody needs to make a run.

KITTY:

Well, I have an idea that is going to make the holidays happier for everyone.

RED:

We're skipping Christmas this year?

KITTY:

(frowning at Red) No. We are not skipping Christmas.

RED:

(smiles sarcastically) Well then I guess the holidays won't be happier for everyone will they.

KITTY:

(to the kids) I'm going to assume that, even thought it's only two days before Christmas, you haven't gone out and bought each other presents yet. Am I right?

THE GANG:

(mumbling guiltily) Yeah.

KITTY:

Well, for once your irresponsibility and procrastination are going to pay off.

HYDE:

(with a smirk) We all knew they would eventually.

KITTY:

This year, to save all of you a little money, we are going to do Secret Santas. (she claps excitedly) Yay!

KITTY SETS THE HAT ON THE COFFEE TABLE AND WITH A BIG SMILE, STARTS PASSING OUT THE PENS AND PAPERS. EVERYONE LOOKS LESS THAN ENTHUSIASTIC.

FEZ:

(very confused) Um ... excuse me? Why would Santa want to be secretive? It's ok for him to be himself. We will love him no matter what.

DONNA:

Fez, Secret Santas is when you pick a person's name out of a hat and you give that person a gift, but you can't tell them until you give them the gift that you're their Secret Santa.

JACKIE:

(very snotty) Yeah, it's a cheap person's dream.

LAURIE:

I'll do it, but if I get Eric's name I'm trading.

KITTY:

(scolding Laurie) No, no. There will be no trading.

KELSO:

(nervously looking at Hyde) But what if I get Jackie? I don't want Hyde to beat me up for givin' her a Christmas present.

ERIC:

(whiny) Yeah, and what if I get Donna? Do I buy her two presents? A girlfriend present _and _a Secret Santa present.

LAURIE:

(bratty, to Eric) You should give her a present every time she sleeps with you.

KITTY:

(starting to go a little crazy) Ok everybody zip it! Now write down your damn names and throw them in the damn hat and quit ruining Christmas!

EVERYBODY GRABS A PIECE OF PAPER AND QUICKLY WRITES, THEN THEY ALL TOSS THEIR NAMES IN A HAT SITTING ON THE COFFEE TABLE.

KITTY:(cont'd)

(composing herself) See, isn't this fun? Ok now Red you hold the hat and everybody pick a name. Well Steven, you can pick Jackie's name for her because we all know how hard it is for her to get out of the couch.

KITTY PATS JACKIE ON THE HEAD AND JACKIE SMILES SADLY AT THE REST OF THE KIDS.

RED:

Alright, come and get it morons. And no cheating.

EVERYONE, EXCEPT JACKIE, FORMS A LINE AND GRABS A NAME FROM RED'S HAT.

FEZ:

(opening his sheet of paper) Umm, Miss Kitty, I got myself.

RED:

(cranky) Well than get yourself a book on how to speak English. Next.

HYDE IS LAST AND HE GRABS TWO. THE KIDS ALL RETURN TO THEIR SEATS TO READ THEIR NAMES.

KITTY:

(smiling hopefully) There, wasn't that fun? Now remember it's a secret. (putting her finger to her lips) So, shh ... (she frowns at the kids) and for God's sake, go get your shopping done.

RED AND KITTY EXIT AND THE KIDS ALL SIT QUIETLY AND WATCH THEM GO. A FEW SECONDS PASS AND RED POPS BACK IN TO SURPRISE THE KIDS. THEY ALL SMILE, INNOCENTLY, AT HIM. HE SCOWLS AND THEN DISAPPEARS BACK IN THE KITCHEN.

ERIC:

(quickly and quietly) Ok, who wants Laurie?

JACKIE RAISES HER HAND AND THE KIDS BEGIN TRADING NAMES IN RAPID SUCCESSION.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. POINT PLACE MALL, LATER THAT DAY. THERE ARE LOTS OF SHOPPERS WANDERING AROUND. THE SONG, _"HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS" _BY ELVIS PRESLEY CAN BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND. HYDE AND JACKIE ARE HOLDING HANDS AS THEY STROLL THROUGH THE MALL. ERIC AND DONNA ARE WITH THEM. THE GUYS LOOK VERY ANNOYED TO BE AT THE MALL.

DONNA:

(to Eric) So, you guys already bought _our_ presents right?

ERIC:

(nervously, his voice cracking) What?

JACKIE:

(looking back and forth between Hyde and Eric) We bought presents for you guys weeks ago.

ERIC:

(with a huge, fake smile) As did we.

DONNA:

No you didn't.

ERIC:

(smiles sadly) No we didn't.

HYDE:

Forman, what the hell?

ERIC:

Sorry man, she broke me.

THE GROUP STOPS WALKING AND JACKIE GLARES AT HYDE.

JACKIE:

Steven, don't tell me you haven't bought my Christmas present yet.

HYDE:

Well, don't ask me if I did, and then I won't have to tell you.

JACKIE:

(very irritated) Alright, we're leaving now _and_ (she reaches into the pocket of Hyde's jeans and grabs his keys) I'm taking the car keys so you're trapped. (nods, with attitude) _Oh_ _yeah_ ... you're a prisoner of the mall. And the only way to make bail is to buy me an amazing present.

JACKIE AND DONNA WALK OFF IN A HUFF.

HYDE:

Wow. I got really excited for a second there when she went in my pocket.

ERIC:

(nodding in agreement) Yeah, that was just mean to tease you like that.

HYDE:

Great. Now I've gotta come up with a present that says, "sorry, Merry Christmas _and_ please don't kill me in my sleep." You don't wanna piss off a woman that's nine months pregnant. Jackie is one tough chick right now.

ERIC:

Yeah well, welcome to my world buddy.

KELSO, LAURIE AND FEZ WANDER UP TO THE GUYS. LAURIE AND FEZ ARE HOLDING HANDS.

HYDE:

Where the hell have you morons been?

KELSO:

(with a big, dumb smile) We got our picture taken with Santa.

LAURIE:

Look! (she excitedly holds up a picture for everyone to see)

FEZ:

Have you ever seen three better looking people in your life?

HYDE:

(grabs the picture and looks at it) Yeah. But you three are definitely the stupidest looking trio I've ever seen.

LAURIE:

Where are Jackie and Donna?

ERIC:

They left and we've been instructed they won't be back until we buy them their Christmas presents.

FEZ:

(to Eric and Hyde) You have not bought your ladies gifts yet? What kind of men are you?

HYDE:

(looking at Fez with disdain) The normal kind, who wait until the last minute to buy gifts. What kind of man are you?

FEZ:

(with a taunting smile) The kind who bought his woman a gift weeks ago and is going to get more action then either of you two suckers tonight because of it.

LAURIE:

Alright babe, (she gives Fez a kiss) I'll see you later. I'm gonna go catch up with Jackie and Donna.

ERIC:

How? We don't know where they went.

LAURIE:

(rolling her eyes at Eric) Oh please, a pregnant woman and a pissed-off woman - they're at Fanny Farmer.

LAURIE WALKS OFF. THE GUYS ALL LOOK AROUND, UNSURE OF WHERE TO GO.

ERIC:

Ok, so where do we start?

HYDE:

(very annoyed) If there's a bar nearby that would be my first choice.

THE FOUR GUYS WANDER OFF.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY, THAT NIGHT. RED AND BOB ARE STANDING AMONGST SEVERAL BOXES THAT ARE OVERFLOWING WITH CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS.

RED:

(looking down at the boxes with irritation) Alright Bob, there are about two million lights in these boxes and we've got two days to put them all up. So ... we better have another beer.

RED CROSSES INTO THE GARAGE TO GRAB A BEER FOR HIMSELF AND BOB.

BOB:

Gee Red, I thought you hated Christmas decorations?

RED:

Yeah, but that was before they came up with this contest. And I hate those bastards across the street more than I hate Christmas decorations.

BOB:

(with a smile) I can't wait to see the look on Dick Meads's face when you and Steven and I win the "Most Festive Street In Point Place" contest.

RED:

That's right. (like he's yelling across the street) Bend over and kiss your ass god-bye Dick, because we're about to kick it!

BOB:

Hey Red, what do you say we get Steven to sneak over there tonight and steal Baby Jesus right out of his Nativity scene.

RED:

(with a wicked grin) I like the way you're thinking Bob.

RED AND BOB SMILE AND CLINK BEER CANS. THE SLIDING DOOR OPENS AND KITTY AND JOANNE EMERGE FROM THE KITCHEN.

KITTY:

You boys come inside and get warm for a few minutes. I've got some nice, hot Red and Bob's for you.

RED:

(to Kitty) What in the hell is a "Red and Bob"?

KITTY:

(with a giggle) It's a Tom and Jerry, but I just changed the name.

JOANNE:

Isn't she creative?

RED AND BOB HEAD TOWARDS THE HOUSE AND KITTY AND JOANNE DISAPPEAR BACK INDOORS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. POINT PLACE MALL, A JEWELRY STORE, A SHORT WHILE LATER. HYDE, ERIC, FEZ AND KELSO ENTER THE STORE. THE GUYS ALL LOOK INCREDIBLY FED-UP.

HYDE:

I can't believe this entire stupid freakin' mall doesn't have one decent gift.

KELSO:

(whining) Man, just get Jackie and Donna some slutty lingerie and let's get the hell out of here.

ERIC:

Calm down guys. I think this place is gonna be the answer to our problems.

FEZ:

(looking around) This is a jewelry store.

HYDE:

(grinning at Fez) Perceptive little guy, isn't he?

KELSO:

Ok, what are we doing here? And the answer better be picking up chicks.

ERIC:

Why would you come to a jewelry store to pick up girls?

KELSO:

(with a cocky smile) To show 'em what they'd be missing if they settled down.

HYDE:

Alright, I'm outta here. I think I'm gonna go with Kelso's suggestion and buy some slutty nightgowns.

KELSO, FEZ AND HYDE START TO EXIT THE STORE ERIC LOOKS A LITTLE FRANTIC, LIKE HE NEEDS TO STOP THEM, BUT DOESN'T KNOW HOW. SO HE GATHERS HIS COURAGE AND CALLS AFTER THEM, NERVOUSLY.

ERIC:

You guys, I'm buying Donna a ring.

A FEW SECONDS PASS AS THE GUYS TAKE IN THE NEWS THEN KELSO GRINS AT ERIC.

KELSO:

Again?

ERIC:

(very irritated) Why do you guys always say that?

KELSO:

(yells spastically) WHY DO YOU KEEP BUYING DONNA RINGS?

ERIC:

(he pauses a few seconds and takes a deep breath) Because I wanna get married.

HYDE:

Wait a minute, you said Donna didn't wanna get married.

ERIC:

(suddenly very serious) I've gotta ask her man. It's gonna eat away at me if I don't. And _you_ said I should do it.

HYDE:

(nodding) That's true. I did. But you caught me out in the cold. My brain was partially frozen.

KELSO:

Wait a minute? (he points at Hyde) You knew about this?

HYDE:

Yep.

KELSO:

(indignantly) Can you believe this crap Fez? Keeping secrets is just mean.

FEZ:

(very guiltily) Actually, I knew too.

KELSO:

(yelps) UH! This is just like when nobody told me Hyde was dating Jackie.

HYDE:

(smiles and nods) I love that story man.

ERIC:

Ok, _EXCUSE ME_, back to me and my ring dilemma.(to Hyde) Which one should I get?

HYDE:

Why the hell are you asking me?

ERIC:

(getting annoyed) Um, because you picked out two rings for Jackie and she obviously liked them because she ... how do I put this ... (he yells) because you two can't stop doing it!

HYDE:

Sorry Forman, I'm not gonna be much help. I just told 'em to give me the biggest ring they had.

ERIC:

(smiles, sarcastically, at Hyde) Oh, well how nice for you.

FEZ:

_Hello_? You have not asked me?

ERIC:

(to Fez) That's because you bought Laurie a ring that looked like a jelly bean.

KELSO:

You know what? I just realized something. (he smiles) I don't have to be here. I'm going to Dairy Queen. (taunting the guys) I'll catch you girls later.

FEZ:

(with a dreamy look in his eyes) Ooh Dilly Bars. Yummy. Wait Kelso, I'm coming with you! (in a teasing sing-song voice) _Bye girls._

HYDE:

Fez, help us out here. What did you get Laurie for Christmas?

FEZ:

(with a very guilty smile) Jewelry.

FEZ RUNS OFF AFTER KELSO LEAVING BEHIND ERIC AND HYDE WHO JUST STARE AT EACH OTHER.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. POINT PLACE MALL FOOD COURT, A SHORT WHILE LATER. JACKIE, DONNA AND LAURIE ARE SITTING AT A TABLE, THEY ALL HAVE A DRINK AND JACKIE HAS A HUGE PLATE OF FRIES. _"O HOLY NIGHT"_ BY ANNE MURRAY PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

DONNA:

So, what do you think those dillholes are buying us right now.

LAURIE:

Sorry Donna, but you're probably getting a Princess Leia costume for Christmas.

JACKIE:

(giving Donna a sad smile) Ooh, that's a bummer because you look really pasty in white. (suddenly excited) Speaking of presents wouldn't it be amazing if Steven bought me one of those dresses from "White Christmas"?

LAURIE:

(excitedly) Oh my God, then I'd have to get one too.

JACKIE:

We would look so hot.

LAURIE:

(nodding) We would.

DONNA:

(staring at Laurie and Jackie) Um ... excuse me , where in the hell are you gonna wear big, red Christmas ballgowns?

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes at Donna) Oh please, where wouldn't we wear them? (she sighs) It would be so romantic.

JACKIE GETS A DREAMY LOOK AS WE FADE INTO HER FANTASY

FANTASY SCENE FROM THE MOVIE "WHITE CHRISTMAS". JACKIE AND LAURIE ARE WEARING THE RED BALL GOWNS WORN BY ROSEMARY CLOONEY AND VERA ELLEN IN THE FINAL SCENE OF THE MOVIE. HYDE AND FEZ ARE DRESSED UP IN THE SANTA-LIKE OUTFITS WORN BY BING CROSBY AND DANNY KAYE. JUST LIKE IN THE MOVIE THERE IS A HUGE, GORGEOUS CHRISTMAS TREE AND LOTS OF LITTLE KIDS DRESSED AS CHRISTMAS BALLERINAS AND SANTA CLAUS ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF THE TREE. HYDE IS COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER AND OVER -THE-TOP CHEESY. THE SONG, _"WHITE CHRISTMAS"_ IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

HYDE:

(to Jackie) Do you like your Christmas gown darling?

JACKIE:

(with a giant smile) Oh Steven, I love it. And it will look even foxier when I'm not pregnant anymore.

FEZ:

Hyde, aren't we lucky to have to such beautiful, Christmas goddesses for wives.

HYDE:

(nodding at Fez) We are indeed Fez.

LAURIE:

(smiling at Fez) Merry Christmas Fez.

JACKIE:

Merry Christmas Steven.

FEZ AND HYDE EACH GRAB THEIR WIVES AND DIP THEM DRAMATICALLY, THEN THEY KISS.

FADE OUT OF FANTASY. JACKIE AND LAURIE SIGH, DREAMILY. DONNA LOOKS VERY AMUSED.

DONNA:

(with a chuckle) Yeah, cause Fez and Hyde are gonna act just like that.

LAURIE:

(giving Donna a bitchy pout) Oh you're just jealous because this is you and Eric's Christmas ...

FADE INTO LAURIE'S FANTASY

FANTASY SCENE THE MOVIE, "A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS"

ERIC IS CHARLIE BROWN, DONNA IS PEPPERMINT PATTY, HYDE IS SCHROEDER, JACKIE IS LUCY, LAURIE IS SALLY, FEZ IS LINUS, AND KELSO IS PIGPEN. THE SAD CHRISTMAS TREE IS SITTING NEXT TO ERIC, WHO IS ALONE IN THE CORNER. HYDE IS PLAYING, _"STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN"_ ON A TOY PIANOAND IT SOUNDS LIKE A MAJESTIC CONCERT PIANO. ALL THE KIDS, EXCEPT ERIC, HYDE AND JACKIE ARE DANCING, "CHARLIE BROWN" STYLE. THEY ARE HOPPING AND BOBBING THEIR HEADS FROM SIDE TO SIDE. JACKIE IS SEATED NEXT TO HYDE AT THE PIANO.

JACKIE:

(flirting with Hyde) Schroeder, can you play _"Jingle Bells"_? You know, Santa Claus, and ho-ho-ho, and mistletoe and presents to pretty girls ...

HYDE GIVES JACKIE A VERY ANNOYED LOOK AND THEN PROCEEDS TO TAP OUT _"JINGLE BELLS" _ON THE PIANO AND IT SUDDENLY SOUNDS LIKE A TOY PIANO INSTEAD OF A BABY GRAND.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

(yells excitedly) THAT'S IT!

HYDE:

(irritated with Jackie) You have no appreciation for good music.

DONNA STOPS DANCING AND HEADS OVER TO ERIC WHO IS SITTING ALONE WITH HIS TREE.

DONNA:

(patting him, hard, on the back) Merry Christmas Chuck!

ERIC:

(sadly) Merry Christmas Peppermint Patty.

DONNA:

I got you a little somethin'. (she pulls a football out from behind her back) A football!

JACKIE:

(pointing at Eric) Look everyone, Peppermint Patty gave Charlie Brown a football. That blockhead will never kick the football.

HYDE:

But it sure is fun to watch him try.

FEZ:

(shaking his head, sadly) Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you're the Charlie Browniest.

ERIC:

Hey Linus, at least I don't still have a blanket.

FEZ:

(puts his arm around Laurie) Yes, but I also have your sister.

LAURIE:

(smiling at Fez) Isn't he the cutest thing?

THE KIDS GO BACK TO DANCING ANF KELSO WALKS OVER TO ERIC.

KELSO:

(with a big grin) Hey Charlie Brown, check out this cool cloud that follows me everywhere I go.

ERIC:

That's dirt Pigpen.

KELSO:

(he shrugs) Whatever man. It's still super cool.

ERIC:

Good grief.

FADE OUT OF FANTASY

LAURIE AND JACKIE ARE LAUGHING AND DONNA IS POUTING.

DONNA:

I am _not_ Peppermint Patty. (she pauses and smiles) I'm The Little Red Haired Girl that Charlie Brown is infatuated with.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, THE NEXT MORNING. RED IS SEATED AT THE TABLE EATING BREAKFAST AND KITTY IS AT THE COUNTER PREPARING ANOTHER PLATE. ERIC ENTERS FROM THE LIVING ROOM.

KITTY:

(smiling) Merry Christmas Eve Day Snicklefritz! (she laughs)

RED:

Kitty, please, I'm trying to eat.

KITTY:

(to Eric) Sit down and eat your breakfast. (in a sing-song voice) Santa Claus pancakes.

KITTY SMILES EXCITEDLY AND HOLDS UP A PLATE THAT IS A PANCAKE DECORATED WITH STRAWBERRIES, CHOCOLATE CHIPS AND WHIP CREAM. IT LOOKS LIKE SANTA'S FACE.

KITTY:(cont'd)

(sits down next to Eric) So, did you get Donna something special last night?

ERIC:

Yeah ... (starts rambling, nervously) um, I mean no. I mean, what constitutes special? Is a gift that she may or may not want special? Or is a gift that I know she'll like but isn't really the gift I want to give her special?

KITTY AND RED STARE AT ERIC. THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

RED:

(pointing at Eric) Are you on dope?

KITTY:

Eric, it was a simple question. Did you or did you not get Donna a gift?

ERIC:

(flatly) Not.

KITTY:

Well then, no Santa Claus pancakes for you.

KITTY GRABS THE PLATE AWAY FROM ERIC.

ERIC:

What? Why?

KITTY:

Because I only make special breakfasts for people who buy Christmas presents for the women they love. Red, did you buy me a Christmas present?

RED:

(with a grin) Yep.

KITTY:

Then here you go, (she gives him Eric's pancakes) special pancakes.

RED GRINS WICKEDLY AT ERIC WHO SLUMPS DOWN INTO HIS CHAIR AND POUTS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

EXT. FORMAN HOUSE, THE ROOF. RED, BOB, AND HYDE ARE ON THE ROOF WHICH IS COVERED IN HUNDREDS OF CHRISTMAS LIGHTS. THEY HAVE A LARGE SANTA STATUE AND A BABY JESUS IN A MANGER STATUE SITTING NEXT TO THEM. THE GUYS ARE HAVING A BEER.

HYDE:

(looking at their handiwork) Look at all the damn lights. It looks like our houses are on fire.

RED:

(with a wicked grin) That's the idea son. (looking across the street) Oh crap, there's Dick. Hide Jesus!

HYDE QUICKLY STANDS UP AND GRABS BABY JESUS. HE WALKS TO THE PEAK OF THE ROOF AND LOOKS AROUND, TRYING TO DECIDE WHAT TO DO WITH HIM. FINALLY, HYDE CHUCKS BABY JESUS OVER THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOF.

BOB:

(watching Hyde, sadly) Aw geez Steven, I'm pretty sure you're gonna go to hell for that.

HYDE:

(with a shrug) I was already goin' anyway.

HYDE REJOINS THE GUYS AND SITS BACK DOWN.

RED:

(smiling proudly as he looks out over the houses) Look at all this crap. It's the tackiest, ugliest, most over-the top street in this whole damn town.

HYDE:

The giant, inflatable gingerbread men were a nice touch Bob.

BOB:

(nodding) Yep. We're gonna win for sure.

HYDE:

(putting his arm around the Santa statue) So, what do we do with Santa here?

RED:

We're gonna have a little fun with this fat bastard. Let's shove him half-way down the chimney to make it look like he got stuck.

HYDE:

(with a raised eyebrow) Or ... we could put him Mrs. Claus in a compromising position.

BOB:

(to Hyde) I think the selection committee might frown upon that.

HYDE AND RED SMILE WICKEDLY AND GRAB SANTA.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, A FEW HOURS LATER. _"SILENT NIGHT"_ BY THE CARPENTERS IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. JACKIE IS SITTING AT THE TABLE FROSTING SOME COOKIES WHEN HYDE COMES IN FROM OUTSIDE.

HYDE:

Hey. (he gives Jackie a kiss)

JACKIE:

Hi baby. How do the decorations look?

HYDE:

Well, we had an unfortunate accident with Baby Jesus but other than that everything looks great.

HYDE CROSSES TO THE FRIDGE TO GRAB A BEER.

JACKIE:

Oh hey, did you get Michael's present last night?

HYDE:

(over his shoulder at the fridge) Yeah, but I'm not wrapping it. That's weird.

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes) Fine, I'll wrap it later. Hand me those sprinkles.

HYDE CROSSES TO THE COUNTER AND GRABS THE SPRINKLES.

HYDE:

What'd you get Laurie?

HE CROSSES BACK TO JACKIE AND HANDS HER THE SPRINKLES.

JACKIE:

A very classy cashmere scarf, that she'll probably just use to tie Fez up with but, whatever. (she shrugs)

KITTY ENTERS FROM THE LIVING ROOM. SHE DOES NOT LOOK PLEASED.

KITTY:

Steven, why is there a broken Baby Jesus laying in my front yard?

STEVEN:

(stammers) Because ... um ... there was no room for him at the inn?

KITTY GLARES AT HYDE WHILE JACKIE JUST ROLLS HER EYES.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT PINCIOTTI LIVING ROOM, THAT NIGHT. THE PINCIOTTIS ARE THROWING A COCKTAIL PARTY. THE SONG, _"JINGLE BELL ROCK" _BY THE CHIPMUNKS IS PLAYING ON THE STEREO. JOANNE IS AT THE BAR MIXING KELSO A DRINK. DONNA, BROOKE AND BETSY ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH, FEZ AND LAURIE ARE AT THE TABLE AND BOB IS PASSING OUT FOOD.

FEZ:

(with a sigh as he listens to the music) Oh how I love The Chipmunks.

KELSO:

(with a dopey laugh) I've tried so many times to catch one of those little suckers, but they run to freakin' fast!

DONNA:

(to Kelso) Why would you wanna catch a chipmunk?

KELSO:

(very sarcastically, to Donna) Duh, so I could teach it to sing and make a lot of money off it. Geez Donna!

BOB:

(with a big smile) Alright, who wants some Christmas pigs-in-a-blanket?

FEZ:

Oink, oink buddy.

BROOKE:

Donna, would you mind holding Betsy for a second. I've just gotta go get her some juice.

DONNA:

Oh sure.

BROOKE HANDS BETSY TO DONNA AND THEN EXITS. BOB COMES OVER TO LOOK AT BETSY.

BOB:

(tweaking Betsy's cheek) Boy she sure is a little cutie. (heads over to Kelso at the bar) Kelso, we'd be a shoe-in for the contest if you let us put her in the manger scene out in front of my house.

KELSO:

(nodding) She _would_ make a super cute baby Jesus.

JOANNE:

Bob, I think her mother might object to Betsy sitting outside in the freezing cold just so you can win some contest.

BOB:

(with a frown) Geez, some people have no Christmas spirit.

ERIC ENTERS AND IMMEDIATELY HEADS OVER TO DONNA SITTING ON THE COUCH WITH BETSY IN HER LAP.

ERIC:

(very sarcastically) Um, Donna? Is there something you want to tell me?

DONNA:

(with a laugh) Yes, Eric. I've kept our child hidden up in my room for the past year.

ERIC:

(wiping imaginary sweat off his brow) Phew ... I thought you were gonna tell me you locked Brooke out in a snow bank and stole her child. (giving Donna his best sexy smile) So, you know, if you want one of those for Christmas we can go practice.

DONNA:

Ha ha.

ERIC:

(suddenly very serious) No, really, what do you want for Christmas?

DONNA:

(points, threateningly at Eric) Ok if you didn't get my Christmas present yet I am kicking your ass!

ERIC:

(nervously) Donna, you're freaking out the baby. And yes I got your present. I got you two actually.

DONNA:

(accusingly) What did you do?

ERIC:

Nothing, I swear. I just wasn't sure what you wanted so I wanted to be prepared, you know.

DONNA:

(with a laugh) Prepared is good.

ERIC:

Prepared is great.

KELSO:

(strolling up he overhears their conversation) Not necessarily, Eric. If I had been prepared the night I met Brooke we wouldn't have little Betsy here.

DONNA LAUGHS AT KELSO AND ERIC JUST SHAKES HIS HEAD.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 5

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, LATER THAT NIGHT. THE LIGHTS ARE DIM AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE IS ALL LIT-UP AND DECORATED, IT LOOKS BEAUTIFUL. HYDE AND JACKIE ENTER FROM THE LIVING ROOM. JACKIE STOPS AND POINTS UP AT THE ARCHWAY ABOVE THEM.

JACKIE:

(in a sing-song voice) Steven ... mistletoe.

HYDE:

Jackie, what the hell did you do? Hang this stuff every two feet?

JACKIE:

(points, threateningly at Hyde) Shut up and kiss me, or I swear to God, I _will_ go into labor right now.

HYDE QUICKLY PULLS JACKIE TO HIM AND STARTS KISSING HER. FEZ AND LAURIE WALK UP BEHIND THEM. FEZ GRINS WITH GLEE WHEN HE SEES HYDE AND JACKIE MAKING OUT.

FEZ:

Ooh, sexy. (shoving Hyde over a bit) Quit hogging the mistletoe.

FEZ GRABS LAURIE AND THEY TOO START KISSING. RED ENTERS FROM THE DEN AND IMMEDIATELY FROWNS WHEN HE SEES THE TWO COUPLES KISSING.

RED:

(to Hyde and Fez) You two quit pawing those poor girls, or I'll make you cool off your jingle bells in a snow bank.

RED SITS DOWN IN HIS CHAIR. HYDE AND FEZ LET GO OF THE GIRLS AND ALL FOUR OF THEM HEAD TO THE COUCH AND SIT DOWN. KITTY ENTERS FROM THE DEN, SHE IS CARRYING TWO WRAPPED PRESENTS.

HYDE:

Thanks for dinner Mrs. Forman.

FEZ:

Yes, it is so lovely spending Christmas Eve with my family. (smiles at Red) Isn't that right Dad?

RED:

Don't piss me off Haji.

KITTY:

(very excitedly) Well, that is why I am giving you and Jackie your presents early Fez. Here you go.

KITTY HANDS FEZ AND JACKIE EACH A BOX.

JACKIE:

(starts clapping) Yay! The best part about Christmas!

HYDE:

(with a nod) It's true. Jesus comes in a distant second to presents.

JACKIE AND FEZ TEAR INTO THEIR PRESENTS AND EACH PULL OUT A RED CHRISTMAS BULB.

JACKIE:

(looking at her ornament) It says, "Jackie".

KITTY:

(smiles and nods) Those are your, "Forman Family Ornaments". See, we all have one. (she crosses to the tree and starts looking for ornaments) There's mine and Red's, oh and there's Steven, and Eric, and right in the front is Laurie's. (to Jackie) So, now that you married my precious Steven, (to Fez) and Fez, you married my (smiles nervously, unsure what to say) ... _much sweeter_ Laurie, we're adding you to the tree.

JACKIE:

(tearing up) Mrs. Forman, this is so amazing ... I don't know what to say.

FEZ:

(with a cocky smile) Well I do. Move over Frosty the Snowman ornament, because Fez and Laurie are taking over the front of the tree.

FEZ QUICKLY GETS UP AND PUTS HIS ORNAMENT FRONT AND CENTER, RIGHT NEXT TO LAURIE'S.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 6

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S LIVING ROOM, VERY EARLY CHRISTMAS MORNING. THE LIVING ROOM IS COMPLETELY DARK EXCEPT FOR THE LIGHTS ON THE CHRISTMAS TREE. JACKIE, HOLDING HYDE'S HAND, IS LEADING THEM DOWN THE STAIRS. THEY ARE BOTH IN THEIR PAJAMAS. HYDE LOOKS A LITTLE CRANKY, BUT JACKIE HAS A HUGE SMILE ON HER FACE.

HYDE:

Jackie, what are we doing? It's three o'clock in the morning.

JACKIE:

We're having Christmas morning. You know, where you wake up at the crack of dawn and run down to the tree to see what presents you got.

HYDE:

We never did that at my house.

JACKIE:

(with a shrug) Yeah, we didn't either. My mom was always nursing her Christmas Eve hangover until about noon so I had to play quietly in my room with my new toys.

HYDE:

Well at least you got gifts. (he pauses and thinks) Although one year my mom did give me a six-pack. (a beat) That was nice.

JACKIE:

See, that's why we're doing this. (she wraps her arms around Hyde's waist) Because our kids are gonna have a Christmas morning. The kind where they come in and jump on the bed to wake us up and we bitch about how early it is and yell at them to go back to sleep.

HYDE:

(with a nod) But of course, they won't.

JACKIE:

Of course. Now, (she grins) we have to sit in front of the tree and exchange presents.

HYDE:

(with an annoyed look) Why?

JACKIE:

Because that's the way they do it on "Little House on the Prairie".

JACKIE SLOWLY KNEELS DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND HYDE HELPS HER TO SIT DOWN IN FRONT OF THE TREE AND THEN HE, A LITTLE RELUCTANTLY, DOES THE SAME. SHE GRABS A PRESENT AND HOLDS IT OUT TO HYDE WITH A SMILE.

JACKIE:

(very sweetly) Merry Christmas Steven.

HYDE TAKES THE PRESENT FROM JACKIE AND OPENS IT, HE LOOKS STUNNED BY WHAT'S INSIDE.

HYDE:

(in shock) Jackie, these are tickets to see The Stones.

JACKIE:

Yeah, we have to go to Minneapolis and I know how much you hate being in a car with me for longer than two hours but tough.

HYDE:

Jackie, how the hell did you get these? They've been sold out for months.

JACKIE:

Steven, you should know by now that I can pretty much get whatever I want. So, do you like them?

HYDE:

(with a laugh) Hell yeah I like them!

HE PULLS JACKIE IN FOR A KISS. AFTER A FEW SECONDS HE BREAKS AWAY AND GIVES HER A DEVILISH SMIRK.

HYDE:(cont'd)

Man, who should I bring?

JACKIE PUNCHES HIM IN THE ARM.

HYDE:

(with mock seriousness) Hey - no hitting on Christmas. (he reaches under the tree and pulls out a present) Here.

HYDE HANDS JACKIE A TINY WRAPPED BOX. SHE LOOKS AT IT AND THEN LOOKS AT HIM WITH SURPRISE.

JACKIE:

It's in a tiny box. I love tiny boxes.

JACKIE CONTINUES TO STARE, IN SHOCK, AT THE BOX.

HYDE:

This usually works better when you open it.

JACKIE SLOWLY OPENS HER GIFT. SHE PULLS OUT A GOLD NECKLACE. HER EYES IMMEDIATELY LIGHT UP.

JACKIE:

(ecstatically) Oh my God! It's shiny, you bought me a shiny present!

HYDE:

(shrugs nonchalantly) I figured you deserved it.

JACKIE:

(she can't stop staring at the necklace) It's absolutely beautiful. (she holds it closer to her face for a better look) Why are there two stones?

HYDE:

(getting uncomfortable) Um ... those are the babies birth stones.

JACKIE:

(starting to tear up) Oh Steven, this is the most amazing thing you have ever done.

HYDE:

(with a smirk) Are you sure? Cause I think getting you pregnant with twins on our honeymoon is probably the most amazing thing I've ever done.

JACKIE:

Hurry up and kiss me before you say something to ruin the moment.

HYDE:

Yes dear.

HYDE LEANS INTO JACKIE AND THEY KISS. SHE PULLS AWAY AND SNUGGLES INTO HIS CHEST AS HE PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND HER.

JACKIE:

(gazing at her necklace) I can't believe you bought me jewelry. (a beat) I can't believe you even went into a jewelry store.

HYDE:

Yeah well, Forman dragged us there to help him pick out Donna's engagement ring.

JACKIE EYES GO WIDE AND SHE CLAMPS HER HAND OVER HER MOUTH IN SHOCK. HYDE IMMEDIATELY GRIMACES AS HE REALIZES WHAT HE SAID.

HYDE:(cont'd)

Please tell me I said that in my head.

JACKIE PUSHES HERSELF OFF OF HYDE'S CHEST AND SITS UP TO STARE AT HIM.

JACKIE:

Eric wants to propose to Donna? (a beat) Again?

HYDE:

Yep. Oh and he's a little sensitive about the "again" part so keep that to yourself.

JACKIE:

(with a huge smile) This is amazing. Donna _wants_ to get married.

HYDE:

(confused) What? She told Forman she _didn't_ wanna get married.

JACKIE:

(with a dismissive wave) I know, cause that's what I told her to say. I sort of told her to play hard to get. (tilting her head, coyly, at Hyde) Like I did with you.

HYDE:

(with a laugh) What? You're nuts, you were easier to get than a cold.

JACKIE:

What does that mean?

HYDE:

(with a cocky grin) It _means_, you always wanted me. Even when you were a snotty, stuck-up cheerleader chasing around after Kelso - you wanted me.

JACKIE HESITATES AND POUTS FOR A MINUTE, THEN SHE SHRUGS.

JACKIE:

Fine, so what if I did. (she pokes Hyde in the chest) You always wanted me too. Even when you acted like you hated me and I drove you nuts.

HYDE ALSO HESITATES AND TRIES TO LOOK INDIFFERENT. FINALLY, HE TOO GIVES IN.

HYDE:

So what if I did.

THEY SIT IN SILENCE FOR A FEW SECONDS, JUST STARING AT EACH OTHER. THEN THEY LUNGE FOR EACH OTHER AND START MAKING OUT. A FEW SECONDS GO BY AND JACKIE BREAKS THE KISS.

JACKIE:

So, what kind of ring did he get her? Please tell me it's bigger than the last one.

HYDE:

(quickly) Jackie, we're not getting involved. I had enough trouble proposing to you. I'm not helping somebody else do it. Now, can we get back to business here.

JACKIE:

We've gotta get involved. Eric's has to know that Donna wants to get married.

HYDE:

No way, we're staying out of this.

JACKIE:

But Steven ...

HYDE:

(interrupting her) No. Let them fix there own problems and you can fix my problem.

JACKIE:

(flirtatiously) Did you really always want me Steven?

HYDE:

Shut your pie hole.

JACKIE SMILES AND HYDE REACHES FOR HER. THEY KISS AND LAY BACK ONTO THE FLOOR.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 3

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, CHRISTMAS MORNING. KITTY IS IN THE KITCHEN PUTTING FOOD IN THE OVEN. HYDE AND JACKIE ENTER, HYDE IS CARRYING A BAG FILLED WITH PRESENTS.

JACKIE:

(to Kitty) Merry Christmas!

KITTY:

Well good morning you two, you're late.

HYDE:

Yeah, sorry about that. (he grins, wickedly) See, Santa came last night so it was kind of a busy evening at the Hyde house.

JACKIE SMACKS HYDE IN THE STOMACH

JACKIE:

(under her breath) Steven!

KITTY:

No, that's ok. I'm glad you were late. (with a guilty smile) because it just so happens that Santa visited _here_ this morning. (she laughs)

JACKIE AND HYDE BOTH GROAN IN DISGUST.

KITTY:

Hey ... if you can't take it, don't dish it out.

RED WALKS IN THE KITCHEN AND HYDE GIVES HIM A MOCKING SMIRK.

HYDE:

(to Red) Merry Christmas, Santa.

RED:

(very annoyed) Kitty, why must you share everything with the kids?

KITTY:

(in a teasing tone) Because it's fun.

KELSO, HOLDING BETSY, BROOKE, LAURIE AND FEZ ENTER THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR.

KELSO:

(with a huge smile) Alright, we're here! We need breakfast and presents - in that order.

FEZ:

(nodding eagerly) Yes and I hope my stocking is filled with candy. Actually, I hope breakfast is candy too.

KITTY:

Alright everybody sit down for some Santa Claus pancakes.

SUDDENLY THE LIVING ROOM DOOR SWINGS OPEN AND ERIC IS SMILING LIKE A LITTLE KID.

ERIC:

You guys Donna got me an Evel Knievel stunt cycle!

HYDE, FEZ AND KELSO, STILL HOLDING BETSY, TAKE OFF INTO THE LIVING ROOM. AFTER A FEW SECONDS, RED FOLLOWS THEM.

KITTY:

(shrugs at the girls) Oh well, more pancakes for us.

KELSO COMES BACK INTO THE KITCHEN AND CROSSES TO BROOKE, HANDING HER BETSY.

KELSO:

It's gonna get a little dangerous in there.

KELSO SPASTICALLY RUNS BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM AS THE WOMEN JUST SHAKE THEIR HEADS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 3

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, THAT AFTERNOON. _"ROCKIN' AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE" _BY BRENDA LEE IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. EVERYONE IS GATHERED FOR DINNER. THE LARGE TABLE IS SET UP WITH THE SMALLER CARD TABLE NEXT TO IT. JACKIE, ERIC AND DONNA ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH. LAURIE, FEZ, KELSO, BROOKE AND BETSY ARE SITTING AT THE CARD TABLE. W.B. AND JOANNE ARE HAVING A DRINK AT THE BAR. THE KITCHEN DOOR OPENS AND RED, HYDE AND BOB ENTER. RED IS CARRYING A TROPHY. KITTY IS STANDING IN FRONT OF THE DOOR WITH A TRAY OF FOOD.

RED:

(to Kitty) Well, we did it. We won the contest!

KITTY:

Oh yay! (she laughs, excitedly) Red, you finally have some Christmas spirit.

RED:

Yep. (with an evil grin) You should've seen Dick Mead when they handed us the trophy.

HYDE:

Man, I thought that guy was gonna cry.

RED:

That would've made my night.

KITTY:

(frowns) No, no. No. _This_ is not Christmasy. We do not wish misery on our neighbors on Christmas.

RED:

I do. And not just on Christmas. Three-hundred and sixty-five days a year I wish misery on people. But I have to admit, other people's misery just seems a little sweeter on Christmas.

KITTY SCOWLS AT RED. THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR AND RED, FOLLOWED BY KITTY, GOES TO ANSWER IT. HYDE SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH WITH JACKIE AND BOB HEADS TO THE BAR. RED OPENS THE DOOR AND LEO IS STANDING OUTSIDE.

LEO:

Hey man, Merry Christmas.

RED:

(annoyed) Kitty, you invited the hippie?

KITTY:

Of course I did. He reminds me of Santa Claus with his long beard.

KITTY TAKES LEO'S ARM AND BRINGS HIM INSIDE. RED LOOKS AT ALL OF HIS GUESTS.

RED:

This isn't Christmas with the Formans, this is Christmas at the Salvation Army.

RED CROSSES TO THE BAR.

CUT TO HYDE, JACKIE, ERIC AND DONNA ON THE COUCH. JACKIE, WITH A HUGE SMILE ON HER FACE, IS STARING AT DONNA,

JACKIE:

So, Donna ... what did Eric get you for Christmas?

DONNA:

(giving Eric a smile) I don't know, he hasn't given it to me yet.

JACKIE:

(turns to Hyde and frowns) Did you hear that Steven? He hasn't given it to her yet.

HYDE:

(sarcastically and a little annoyed) Yeah Jackie, I heard her. See, even though I've had you yelling directly into my ears for years now - they still work..

JACKIE:

(holding up the necklace she is wearing) Did you see what Steven gave me. Isn't it beautiful?

DONNA:

(looking at Jackie's necklace) Wow, I can't believe you got jewelry. (gives Hyde a taunting smile) I thought for sure Hyde was just gonna wrap himself up with a big bow.

JACKIE:

Don't you just love getting jewelry Donna?

DONNA:

(a little confused) Um ... yeah I guess.

JACKIE:

(leans over Donna to talk to Eric) Did you hear that Eric? Donna loves getting jewelry.

ERIC:

(realizing Jackie knows what's going on, he is very annoyed) You know Jackie, if you really want to be an interpreter I hear they're hiring at the airport.

HYDE GETS UP OFF THE COUCH AND PULLS JACKIE UP WITH HIM.

HYDE:

Come on Jackie, we've gotta go ... (he pauses he has no idea what to say) caroling.

HYDE AND JACKIE HEAD TOWARDS THE KITCHEN. ERIC FROWNS AT THEM AS THEY WALK PAST HIM.

ERIC:

(very sarcastically, under his breath) Good cover Hyde.

HYDE JUST SHRUGS.

JACKIE:

(whispers, excitedly to Hyde) Are we really going caroling?

HYDE LOOKS AT JACKIE LIKE SHE'S CRAZY AND THEY EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN

DONNA:

(with a laugh) What's with those two?

ERIC:

I think too much sex has rotted their brains.

CUT TO RED, BOB, JOANNE AND W.B. AT THE BAR.

W.B.:

(looking out the window) Those are quite the decorations you've got out there Red.

RED:

You like that? Those are the decorations that won Bob and Steven and I the "Most Festive Houses In Point Place" contest.

BOB:

It's a very prestigious honor.

RED:

(smiles and nods) Yeah, I mostly did it to piss off the guy across the street.

JOANNE:

(sarcastically) Can't you just feel all the Christmas love in this room?

RED SCOWLS AT JOANNE WHO MERELY SMILES BACK AT HIM.

CUT TO FEZ, LAURIE, KELSO, BROOKE AND BETSY SITTING AT THE CARD TABLE.

KELSO:

So, Brooke, I could get Fez and Laurie to watch Betsy while you and I go spread some Christmas cheer if you know what I mean. (he winks at Brooke)

BROOKE:

(trying not to laugh) I don't think so Michael.

KELSO:

Is it Fez and Laurie? Cause I can ask Mrs. Forman to watch Betsy if that's what you're worried about.

BROOKE:

The answer's still, "no" Michael.

FEZ:

(grinning perversely at Laurie) Laurie my lovely, would you like to go spread some Christmas cheer?

LAURIE:

(with a big, ditzy smile) You bet I would.

FEZ:

(singing to Kelso) _"Jingle Burn_

_Jingle Burn_

_Fez is going to do it."_

FEZ:(cont'd)

(with a sigh) Ah ... a burn put to music is just a better burn.

FEZ GRABS LAURIE AND PULLS HER OFF INTO THE KITCHEN. KELSO POUTS AS THEY WALK AWAY.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 3

SCENE 3

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, A SHORT WHILE LATER. EVERYONE IS EATING DINNER. SEATED AT THE GROWN-UPS TABLE ARE; RED, KITTY, BOB, JOANNE, HYDE, JACKIE, FEZ, LAURIE AND W.B. SEATED AT THE KIDS TABLE ARE; ERIC, DONNA, LEO, KELSO, BROOKE, AND BETSY - IN A HIGHCHAIR.

ERIC:

(pouting) This is so humiliating. I can't believe Fez is at the grown-ups table and I'm sitting here with you dorks.

KELSO:

Hey, if anybody's got a right to be pissed it's me. I mean if having an illegitimate child doesn't get you a seat at the grown-ups table what does?

LEO:

(giving Betsy some Cheerios) Hey man, I think the kids table is great. Look ... me and the baby are having a food fight.

DONNA:

(glaring at the grown-ups table) I totally agree with you Eric, I think we're mature enough to eat at the grown-ups table now.

ERIC:

(yells angrily) You're damn right we are! (suddenly, he smiles excitedly) Oh Donna, hurry up and eat so we can go play with my new toys.

CUT TO THE GROWN-UPS TABLE

FEZ:

(with a dreamy look) Hyde, can you believe it? We are at the grown-ups table. We get our own biscuit now!

HYDE:

(nods) Yep. And all I had to do to get here was marry Jackie and knock her up. I'd say that's worth a biscuit.

FEZ:

I never dreamed when I came to America that I would be eating Christmas dinner at a large, comfy table with a real chair instead of at a card table with a crappy folding chair.

LAURIE:

Fez, did you have Christmas in your country?

FEZ:

(with a frown) Laurie, we did not have toilet paper in my country.

JACKIE:

(wrinkles her nose in disgust) Oh my God. I could never live in a country where there was no Christmas.

KITTY:

(looking around at everyone) Isn't this nice? A beautiful Christmas dinner with family and friends. No fighting, no yelling ...

RED:

(interrupting her) No drunk foreigners.

FEZ:

(holds up his glass and winks) Oh I can drink more if it would make your holiday merrier, Red.

LAURIE:

Fez, that is so sweet of you.

FEZ:

(to Laurie) Thank you my lovely.

JOANNE:

Kitty, this ham is delicious.

BOB:

(with a goofy smile) And the potatoes, the potatoes are delicious too.

W.B.:

You put together quite the feast, Kitty.

BOB:

(nodding) The potatoes are delicious.

RED:

You said that already Bob.

BOB:

They're that good Red.

KITTY:

Well, Jackie made the turkey, and Donna and Joanne made all of the deserts, and Laurie ... set the table.

LAURIE:

(smiles proudly) Forks go on the right!

ERIC:

Wow. Laurie learned a skill ... one that she can actually do in public.

RED:

(threateningly, to Eric) Hey, dumbass at the kids table, Santa left you a present - it's my foot. He said to put it up your ass.

HYDE:

(with a smirk) The annual yuletide "foot up the ass" speech. I look forward to it every year. Merry Christmas everybody.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 3

SCENE 4

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, AN HOUR LATER. FEZ, KELSO AND ERIC ARE ON THE COUCH. LAURIE AND DONNA ARE CLEARING THE TABLES AND HYDE IS SITTING IN RED'S CHAIR.

FEZ:

(with a pained expression) Oh sweet Lord I am so full. I am afraid my guts are going to rip open.

ERIC:

Yeah, who knew that eating five pieces of pie would be a bad idea.

FEZ:

(shakes his head, sadly) Not me, I assure you.

HYDE:

Well it's too bad you morons are all full. Cause I've got a great big bag of desert under the tree.

KELSO:

(confused) Desert in a bag? (gets excited) Ooh, you mean Pop Rocks?

DONNA:

No Kelso, I think he means he has a little (doing air quotes) _present_ for everybody.

KELSO:

(with a dopey laugh he nods) Oh I got it. (a beat) I hope he got me Pop Rocks.

FEZ:

(with an angry pout) Dammit, now I want Pop Rocks too!

CUT TO INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, THE CIRCLE. THE SONG,_ "THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS"_ BY FRANK SINATRA IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

(with a mellow smile) Merry Christmas, morons.

CUT TO KELSO

KELSO:

Hyde, you're like the greatest gift giver in the world man! I'm not even pissed you don't have any Pop Rocks.

CUT TO ERIC AND DONNA

DONNA:

(listening to the music) Who in the hell gives their true love a partridge in a pear tree? What kind of crappy gift is that?

ERIC:

(with a cheesy grin) Donna, I think the ladies like anything Frank gives them if you get my drift.

CUT TO FEZ AND LAURIE

FEZ:

Frank Sinatra's got nothing on me, isn't that right my lovely?

LAURIE:

That's right babe. (she holds up a necklace she is wearing) See what Fez gave me? It's a necklace that says, "Laurie".

CUT TO ERIC AND DONNA

ERIC:

Why? So you wouldn't forget your name?

CUT TO FEZ AND LAURIE

FEZ:

(with mocking laughter) Oh Eric, you are such a fool. Jewelry is the quickest way to a woman's heart. And by heart, I mean into her pants.

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

(nods) It's true man. I am amending my position on giving jewelry due to the fact that it makes Jackie insanely horny.

CUT TO ERIC AND DONNA

DONNA:

Wow. Hyde gave Jackie jewelry, Fez gave Laurie jewelry. (smiles at Eric) What did you get me honey?

CUT TO FEZ AND LAURIE. FEZ'S EYES ARE DARTING AROUND NERVOUSLY.

CUT TO HYDE WHO IS STARING AT ERIC WITH A BIG SMIRK ON HIS FACE.

CUT TO KELSO WITH HIS MOUTH WIDE OPEN IN A DAZE.

CUT TO ERIC AND DONNA

ERIC:

(smiling nervously at Donna) You know what I love best about your pretty red hair? It's so Christmasy.

DONNA LOOKS AT ERIC STRANGELY.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 4

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, LATER THAT NIGHT. JACKIE, DONNA, BROOKE AND BETSY ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH. BETSY IS SURROUNDED BY TOYS. THE TABLES HAVE BEEN MOVED AND HYDE, ERIC AND KELSO ARE SITTING ON THE FLOOR. THERE ARE TOYS ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE AROUND THEM. W.B. IS SITTING ON THE PIANO BENCH BEHIND THEM.

HYDE:

(staring at all the toys) Wow.

ERIC:

I know. It's like a toy store exploded in here.

DONNA:

(with a laugh) I don't know who has more toys - Hyde or Betsy.

ERIC:

Definitely Hyde.

KELSO:

(pouting) Man, I wish I were an orphan so I could have a long-lost dad that bought me all sorts of cool toys.

HYDE WHIPS A NERF BALL AT KELSO'S HEAD.

KELSO:

Hyde, what the hell man?

HYDE:

(grinning) I'm sorry man, I'm just so excited to finally have a nerf ball to throw at somebody.

ERIC STANDS UP AND HEADS OVER TO W.B.

ERIC:

W.B., and please don't think I'm strange when I say this, but - you have made my life beautiful. First, you give me my dream job and now you buy Hyde; Rock 'Em Sock "em Robots, Stretch Armstong _and_ Merlin.(with an excited smile) Do you know how much more fun our days are gonna be now that we have these things?

W.B.:

(looking at Eric strangely) You have a strange obsession with toys. You know that right?

ERIC:

(smiles and nods) I do. And I'm ok with it.

FEZ AND LEO HOP IN FROM THE KITCHEN ON HOPPITY HOPS.

LEO:

(smiles at Fez) Hey man, I totally beat you.

FEZ:

You are quite the hopper Leo.

ERIC:

(pointing excitedly at Leo and Fez) _And_ you bought not one, but _two_ Hoppity Hops.

W.B.:

Well it's no fun to hop around by yourself is it?

ERIC:

(gives W.B. a nod) It's like you just _get it._

W.B. CHUCKLES AND HEADS INTO THE KITCHEN, LEO FOLLOWS HIM AND FEZ HEADS OVER TO JOIN THE GUYS ON THE FLOOR.

CUT TO THE GIRLS ON THE COUCH. BETSY AND BROOKE ARE PLAYING WITH BETSY'S NEW TOYS WHILE JACKIE IS FUSSING WITH DONNA'S HAIR.

DONNA:

Jackie, will you stop trying to fix my hair. What is up with you tonight, you're even freakier than normal.

JACKIE:

(with an indignant gasp) Donna, you take that back. Tonight I'm even more beautiful than normal. And you should be too. You never know when you need to look your best. So for God's sake put some lipstick on.

KITTY AND LAURIE ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN. KITTY IS CARRYING A PLATE OF COOKIES SHE SETS THEM DOWN ON THE COFFEE TABLE AND LAURIE HEADS TO THE COUCH.

KITTY:

(excitedly) Ok, it is Secret Santa time!

ERIC:

(under his breath to Hyde) Damn. I was kinda hoping it was Miller time.

KITTY:

(holds up a present) Now I know you're all dying to know who had your name so, we'll start with Eric. (calls out to all the kids) Who had Eric? (she hands Eric his present)

FEZ:

Kelso had Eric.

KITTY:

(looks at Fez and frowns) How do you know that? That was supposed to be a secret.

FEZ:

(stammers nervously) Um ... I am very smart.

KELSO:

(rolling his eyes) Nice one Fez. You should've told her you could predict the future.

KITTY:

Well, you kids cheated and cheaters don't get sugar cookies.

KITTY GRABS THE PLATE OF COOKIES AND HEADS INTO THE KITCHEN IN HUFF.

FEZ:

(calling after Kitty) Do cheaters still get pie?

ERIC:

(opening his present) Alright, Mad Libs. Thanks Kelso.

KELSO:

(gives Eric the thumbs-up) Yep, and you know the rules - dirty words only.

ERIC:

You got it man.

KELSO:

(like an excited little kid) Ok me next, do me!

HYDE TOSSES KELSO A GIFT AND HE CATCHES IT.

HYDE:

There you go man, knock yourself out.

KELSO OPENS HIS GIFT - IT'S A RUBICK'S CUBE. KELSO HOLDS IT UP FOR EVERYONE TO SEE.

KELSO:

(excitedly) A Rubick's Cube!

ERIC:

(shaking his head) Oh Hyde, that's just mean.

DONNA:

We're never gonna see Kelso again. He's gonna spend the rest of his life in his room trying to figure that thing out.

JACKIE:

(with a big smile) I wanna see what Eric got Donna.

HYDE GLARES AT JACKIE AND ERIC LOOKS EXTREMELY NERVOUS. DONNA SMILES AT ERIC.

DONNA:

Yeah Eric, where are these mysterious gifts?

JACKIE:

(putting a hand on Donna's arm) Wait, don't open anything yet. (she calls out to Hyde) Steven, go get Mrs. Forman's camera.

DONNA LOOKS AT JACKIE STRANGELY AND ERIC GLARES AT HER.

ERIC:

Um ... ok. (Eric gets up and grabs a present from under the tree) I went down to that antique store you like so much and I picked up something special.

JACKIE:

(clapping) Yay! Special is so good!

ERIC CROSSES TO DONNA AND HANDS HER A BOX. SHE SMILES AT HIM AND THEN OPENS IT. SHE VERY SLOWLY PULLS OUT A BOOK.

DONNA:

(with a shocked expression) Oh my God, it's a first edition of Wuthering Heights. (she stands up and gives Eric an enormous hug) Eric, this must have cost you a fortune. I can't believe you got this for me. (she pulls away to smile, very sincerely, at him) Thank you. (she gives him a kiss)

JACKIE:

(very irritated) That's it? That's her gift? That's a horrible gift Eric.

DONNA:

(breaking away from Eric, she turns to Jackie) Jackie, shut up. I love it.

JACKIE:

I'm sorry Donna, but you were robbed. (she points, angrily at Eric) And Eric, you are a big ... chicken. Yeah, a big, lying, present-withholding chicken. Donna, there's something you should know ...

ERIC LOOKS PANICKED SO HYDE QUICKLY STANDS UP AND HEADS OVER TO THE COUCH.

HYDE:

(interrupting her) Hey, check it out - mistletoe.

HYDE QUICKLY GRABS JACKIE AND KISSES HER TO SHUT HER UP. MEANWHILE, FEZ STANDS UP HOLDING HIS NOW OPEN PRESENT.

FEZ:

(with an angry pout) Ok, which one of you sons of bitches had my name. This is not a funny gift!

FEZ HOLDS UP A LITE BRITE THAT HAS THE WORDS, "FEZ SUCKS" WRITTEN ON IT.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 4

SCENE 2

EXT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, A SHORT WHILE LATER. _"BABY, IT'S COLD OUTSIDE" _BY DEAN MARTIN IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. DONNA IS SITTING ON THE COUCH, HOLDING HER BOOK. SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE IS A MILLION MILES AWAY. ERIC COMES IN FROM THE KITCHEN AND HEADS OVER TO THE COUCH TO SIT NEXT TO HER.

ERIC:

(with a cheesy grin) Well, there's m'lady. What are you doing in here, besides groovin' to Dino.

DONNA:

(smiles at Eric) You're quite the guy, do you know that?

ERIC:

Of course I do. I just hope _you_ know it. Oh, and feel free to spread the word around. (sings, and does his best "Dean Martin") _"Baby it's bad out there"_

HE POINTS TO DONNA AND WITH A GIGGLE SHE SINGS THE GIRL'S PART OF THE SONG.

DONNA:

(singing) _"Say, what's in this drink"_

ERIC:

"_No cabs to be had out there"_

DONNA:

"_I wish I knew how"_

ERIC:

"_Your eyes are like starlight now"_

DONNA:

"_To break this spell"_

ERIC:

"_I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell"_

DONNA:

(putting her hands up in a fake protest) _"I ought to say no, no, no sir"_

ERIC:

(scoots in closer) _"Mind if I move in closer"_

DONNA:

"_At least I'm gonna say that I tried"_

ERIC:

_What's the sense of hurtin' my pride"_

DONNA:

(bats her eyes at Eric) _"I really can't stay"_

ERIC:

"_Baby don't hold out"_

ERIC AND DONNA:

"_Baby, it's cold outside"_

DONNA STARTS LAUGHING AND THEY STOP SINGING.

ERIC:

We totally rock.

DONNA:

(suddenly very serious) Eric, there's something I wanna talk to you about -

JUST THEN, THE KITCHEN DOOR SWINGS OPEN AND KITTY COMES IN WITH W.B., HYDE AND JACKIE BEHIND HER.

KITTY:

Eric, W.B. is leaving come and say good-bye.

ERIC:

(calling over his shoulder) Ok, just a second. (he turns back to Donna) What did you wanna talk about?

DONNA:

(pauses and then shrugs) It's not a big deal.

ERIC:

(with a grin) Ok, well while you're sitting here why don't you fill in one of the dirty Mad Libs and we can act it out later.

DONNA:

(laughing, she rolls her eyes) I'll get right on that.

ERIC GETS UP AND JOINS THE OTHERS AT THE DOOR.

W.B.:

Steven, Eric, before I go, I have your Christmas bonuses.

W.B. REACHES INTO HIS COAT POCKET AND PULLS OUT TWO ENVELOPES. HE GIVES ONE TO HYDE AND ONE TO ERIC. THE GUYS OPEN THEM UP.

JACKIE:

(looking over Hyde's shoulder) Oh my God. Steven, you got a Christmas bonus. Don't you love being a successful businessman?

HYDE:

(looking at his check) Not as much as I love my cool dad who's not afraid of the zeros. Holy crap W.B., you didn't have to do this.

ERIC:

Keep your opinions to yourself Hyde. This is awesome W.B.

W.B.:

Well, you both worked very hard. And you made me lots of money and my philosophy has always been, share the wealth with those who helped you make it.

ERIC:

(with an enormous grin) That is like the best philosophy ever.

JACKIE PULLS HYDE UP ONTO THE STAIRS AS RED AND BOB COME OUT FROM THE KITCHEN TO SAY THEIR GOODBYES TO W.B.

JACKIE:

(whispering to Hyde) Ok Steven, we need to get Donna and Eric outside.

HYDE:

Why?

JACKIE:

(pointing out the window) Because, look at it out there - it's snowing and there are Christmas lights and reindeer, and Santas everywhere and it looks magical. And I figured if a romantically lit up driveway can make you propose it'll work for Eric too.

HYDE:

Actually, I proposed to you in the woods.

JACKIE:

(very snotty) Yeah ... see, I don't count that proposal since you don't remember it.

HYDE:

(smiles nervously) Boy, that sure is a beautiful necklace.

JACKIE AND HYDE HEAD DOWN THE STAIRS TO JOIN THE OTHERS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 4

SCENE 3

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, A SHORT WHILE LATER. KITTY AND JOANNE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH HAVING A DRINK AND WATCHING, "WHITE CHRISTMAS" ON TV. RED AND BOB STROLL IN, EACH HOLDING A BEER.

KITTY:

(to Red) Hurry up and sit down, you're missing the beginning.

RED SITS IN HIS CHAIR.

RED:

(staring at the TV, very annoyed) How many damn times are they going to show this movie?

BOB:

(sitting down on the couch) Oh boy, I love "White Christmas".

RED:

(he points at the TV) See now, that's just unrealistic. They're singing in the middle of the war. If you start singing during the middle of a war, you get shot by your own men.

BOB:

(off in his own little world) We sang all the time in the National Guard.

RED LOOKS AT BOB AND SMILES WICKEDLY, HE'S ABOUT TO RATTLE OFF AN INSULT WHEN KITTY WHISPERS TO HIM

KITTY:

Remember Red, peace and goodwill towards men. Even men that were in the National Guard.

RED:

(very begrudgingly) Crap ... fine. But tomorrow, once the calendar reads December 26, I'm ripping into him.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 4

SCENE 4

EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY, AT THE SAME TIME. THE GANG IS GATHERED IN THE DRIVEWAY. THERE ARE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS AND LIGHTS EVERYWHERE. HYDE, WITH HIS ARM AROUND JACKIE IS LEANING UP AGAINST THE VISTA CRUISER AND ERIC AND DONNA ARE SITTING ON TOP OF IT. KELSO IS STANDING UNDER THE BASKETBALL HOOP, FEZ AND LAURIE ARE STANDING NEAR HIM.

KELSO:

(rubbing his arms to stay warm) Ok, someone tell me again why we're out here when we've got Hoppity Hops inside. We should be racin' not freezin'.

ERIC:

Yeah, let's go in.

JACKIE:

(quickly) No, no. It's not freezing. It's beautiful out here. Isn't it Donna?

DONNA:

(looking around, she smiles) Yeah, it does look pretty out here.

JACKIE:

And romantic. Isn't it romantic out here Eric?

ERIC:

(gives Jackie a weird look) Um ... I guess so.

HYDE:

(in a warning tone) Jackie ...

JACKIE:

(feigning innocence) Yes Steven?

HYDE:

(quietly, through clenched teeth) What are you doing?

KELSO:

(with a big, dumb smile) I think she's hitting on Eric, man. Or Donna. I can't really tell. (a beat and then he whispers) I hope it's Donna.

JACKIE:

Doesn't Donna look hot tonight Eric?

KELSO:

(throws his hands in the air, triumphantly) OH YEAH! IT'S DONNA!

HYDE:

Hey whaddya know - mistletoe.

HYDE GRABS JACKIE AND BEGINS KISSING HER. SHE PULLS AWAY AND HISSES QUIETLY AT HIM

JACKIE:

Steven, what are you doing?

HYDE:

Shutting you up.

HYDE, VERY MELODRAMATICALLY, DIPS JACKIE AND BEGINS MAKING OUT WITH HER AGAIN.

LAURIE:

(pointing at Hyde and Jackie) Oh my God, it's just like her fantasy. Fez, quick, we've gotta do that too.

FEZ:

You got it baby.

FEZ TWIRLS LAURIE AROUND AND THEN DIPS HER. THEY TOO START MAKING OUT. ERIC LOOKS AT THE TWO COUPLES STRANGELY.

ERIC:

What in the hell is going on here?

KELSO:

(angrily) Well if Hyde would quit being so _SELFISH_ and let go of Jackie, maybe a little girl-on-girl action might be goin' on.

ERIC:

(irritated) Alright, that's it. I'm going inside.

ERIC HOPS OFF OF THE CAR AND STARTS HEADING TOWARDS THE DOOR. DONNA LOOKS LIKE SHE'S ABOUT TO BURST. SHE GOES AFTER HIM AND THEN STOPS. THEN, JUST AS ERIC REACHES THE SLIDING DOOR SHE YELLS OUT.

DONNA:

ERIC, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

SUDDENLY, IT'S AS IF TIME HAS STOPPED. HYDE AND JACKIE AS WELL AS LAURIE AND FEZ STOP MAKING OUT AND STAND UP, THEIR EYES GLUED TO DONNA. ERIC IS FROZEN AT THE DOOR, HE DOESN'T EVEN TURN AROUND.

KELSO:

(in shock) Holy crap! I think Donna just proposed to Eric.

HYDE FROGGS HIM.

ERIC:

(absolutely stunned, to Donna) Holy crap, did you just propose to me?

KELSO:

(spastically waving his arms) I just said that. PAY ATTENTION MAN!

DONNA:

Eric, I know this isn't how it's supposed to be done. But, we never really do well when we do things the way they're supposed to be done. I love you and I wanna marry you. (she takes his hands) So ... will you marry me?

ERIC STARES AT DONNA AND A HUGE SMILE SPREADS ACROSS HIS FACE.

ERIC:

Donna, you're the only thing I want for the rest of my life. I will absolutely marry you.

ERIC PULLS DONNA TOWARDS HIM AND THEY KISS.

JACKIE:

(pouts) That wasn't how it was supposed to work. _He_ was supposed to propose to her.

HYDE YANKS HIS SUNGLASSES OFF, TOTALLY EXASPERATED WITH JACKIE. AGAIN, HE PULLS HER IN AND KISSES HER TO KEEP HER QUIET.

FEZ:

(giving Laurie a sleazy smile) I guess it is time to kiss again.

HE PULLS LAURIE BACK TO HIM AND THEY TOO START KISSING.

KELSO:

(yells out) Ok, now you guys are just being mean!

EVERYONE STOPS KISSING AND ERIC SMILES AT DONNA.

ERIC:

(with a grin) Wow, I guess I can give you your second Christmas present now.

HE REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND PULLS AN ENGAGEMENT RING OUT. HE HOLDS IT UP TO DONNA.

DONNA:

(covers her mouth with her hands and stares at her ring) Oh my God? You were gonna ask me to marry you?

ERIC:

Well I was, but Hyde got me all nervous and then you said you didn't wanna get married.

DONNA:

(her mouth drops open) I said that because _Jackie_ told me to say that.

DONNA AND ERIC SLOWLY TURN TO GLARE AT JACKIE AND HYDE WHO LOOK EXTREMELY GUILTY.

HYDE:

(points at Eric) Hey focus man! You guys just got engaged!

JACKIE:

Yeah .. just ... go back to kissing.

ERIC AND DONNA AGAIN BEGIN KISSING.

KELSO:

(with an angry pout) Does this mean Jackie and Donna aren't gonna make out?

JACKIE IGNORES KELSO AND CALLS OUT TO ERIC.

JACKIE:

I hope you got her a decent sized ring this time Eric.

ERIC PULLS AWAY FROM DONNA BUT DOESN'T LOOK AWAY FROM HER.

ERIC:

Hyde ...

HYDE:

(with a nod) I'm on it man.

AGAIN, HE GRABS JACKIE AND STARTS KISSING HER. ERIC AND DONNA, THEIR FACES INCHES APART, LAUGH QUIETLY AND STARE, HAPPILY AT EACH OTHER.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

FANTASY SCENE "WHITE CHRISTMAS"

RED, KITTY, BOB, JOANNE, LAURIE, FEZ, JACKIE, HYDE AND KELSO ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF A HUGE, BEAUTIFULLY DECORATED CHRISTMAS TREE. THE GIRLS ARE ALL WEARING THE RED BALLGOWNS TRIMMED IN FUR AND THE MEN ARE ALL WEARING THE SANTA OUTFITS. THEY ARE ALL SINGING.

"_I'm dreaming of a white Christmas_

_With every Christmas card I write_

_May your days be merry and bright_

_And may all your Christmases be white"_

THE GROUP PARTS IN THE MIDDLE TO REVEAL DONNA AND ERIC AS THE LITTLE RED HAIRED GIRL AND CHARLIE BROWN. THEY ARE MAKING OUT IN FRONT OF THE LARGE TREE, BUT NEXT TO THE THEM IS THE TINY, SAD "CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS TREE". DONNA PULLS AWAY FROM ERIC AND SMILES TRIUMPHANTLY AT EVERYONE.

DONNA:

See ... I told you I was The Little Red Haired Girl.

ERIC AND DONNA RESUME KISSING

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"Happy New Year"

It's the final days of 1979 and the Forman's are throwing a party to welcome in 1980. But like all Forman parties, this one doesn't exactly turn out as planned.


	25. Happy New Year

"Happy New Year"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by ABBA.

I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disaster that was Season 8. This would be episode 8-18.

This would be an hour long episode.

Thanks to everyone for continuing to read and review! Happy 1980!

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, AFTERNOON, DECEMBER 30. THE GANG IS WATCHING "MORK AND MINDY" ON TV. HYDE IS IN HIS CHAIR, HE HAS GROWN HIS BEARD BACK. JACKIE, FEZ, WITH LAURIE ON HIS LAP, AND DONNA ARE ON THE COUCH. DONNA IS READING A MAGAZINE. ERIC IS IN THE LAWN CHAIR. KELSO IS SITTING ON THE HOPPITY HOP BETWEEN THE COUCH AND THE LAWN CHAIR.

FEZ:

I can relate to Mork. Being far away from home in a strange land is very difficult.

KELSO:

(with a grin) Yeah, but having a hot chick like Mindy around probably eases the pain a little bit.

FEZ:

Amen to that, brother. (he smiles, lovingly, at Laurie) Every time I do it with Laurie I feel a little less sad.

DONNA:

(looking, intently at her magazine) Ok, is it just me, or does Hyde look a little bit like Lindsey Buckingham?

EVERYONE LEANS OVER TO LOOK AT THE MAGAZINE DONNA'S READING, THEN THEY ALL LOOK AT HYDE. HE JUST GRINS.

HYDE:

(pointing to his head) It's the hair. Oh, and the beard.

ERIC:

Yeah, so you haven't shaved in what - like a month now?

HYDE:

Nah, just over a week.

ERIC:

(smiles sarcastically) Once again, how great for you.

DONNA:

So, the beard makes a reappearance.

HYDE:

(rubbing his chin) Yeah, I think it makes me look a little bit more like a dad.

DONNA:

(with a smirk) Or like Lindsey Buckingham.

HYDE:

(he nods) Exactly.

LAURIE:

(with a big, ditzy smile) I think I might have slept with Lindsey Buckingham once. (she looks very apologetic when she notices Fez is staring at her) Sorry Fez.

FEZ:

(he just shrugs) Hey, if I had met Stevie Nicks before we were married I would have bedded her faster than you could say, "rock and roll".

ERIC:

So, Donna, we've only got two days left if we wanna get married in the seventies.

DONNA:

(with a chuckle) Yeah, as appealing as a quickie courthouse wedding sounds, I think I'll just wait.

JACKIE:

I can't believe it's going to be 1980. Do you realize what this means? (she pouts) It means I'll have been pregnant for two years - 1979 _and _1980.

HYDE:

Jackie, that's not exactly true.

JACKIE:

(glares at Hyde) Are you contradicting me?

DONNA:

(quietly to Hyde) Quickly shake your head no.

KELSO:

(with an exasperated sigh) Oh for God's sake, we get it. You're pregnant, you're uncomfortable, you're fat. Get over it Jackie.

JACKIE TURNS TO KELSO AND GIVES HIM A LOOK THAT COULD KILL. KELSO'S MOUTH DROPS OPEN AND HE LOOKS TERRIFIED. HE TURNS TO DONNA AND ERIC FOR HELP.

KELSO:

What do I do?

ERIC:

Run Kelso, run like the wind!

KELSO:

(with a dopey laugh) Why would I run? She can barely get off the couch, she's not gonna chase me.

HYDE:

No, (he grins) but I will.

HYDE JUMPS UP AND HEADS TOWARDS KELSO, WHO IMMEDIATELY GETS OUT OF HIS CHAIR AND BOLTS OUT OF THE BASEMENT DOOR WITH HYDE CLOSE BEHIND HIM.

JACKIE:

Get him Steven! (calling after Hyde) I love you, baby!

JACKIE SMILES PROUDLY AT THE REST OF THE GROUP AND THEY GO BACK TO WATCHING TV.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, A SHORT WHILE LATER. RED IS AT THE TABLE READING HIS PAPER. KITTY IS AT THE STOVE, COOKING.

KITTY:

Red, did you get the champagne for the party?

RED:

(looking up from his paper) How about we skip the champagne this year, Kitty. Bad things happen to people in this family when they drink champagne.

KITTY:

You can't skip champagne on New Year's, I think it's bad luck.

RED:

(sarcastically)You're right. It's much better when Eric drinks three bottles of the stuff and then throws up all over the dog.

KITTY:

(with a small smile) I guess we don't really need the champagne.

JACKIE WANDERS IN FROM THE BASEMENT. SHE IS RUBBING HER BELLY AND LOOKS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE. SHE CROSSES TO THE STOVE AND STANDS NEXT TO KITTY.

JACKIE:

Is Steven up here?

KITTY:

No, but I did see him run by chasing Michael ... (she frowns) and then I saw Michael run by without his pants on.

RED:

(very cranky, he points to the door) Then lock the door, because I don't want a pants-less Kelso in my house.

KITTY:

Jackie, honey, why don't you sit down before you fall down.

JACKIE:

(with a sad pout) I can't sit down. My back hurts too bad when I sit down.

KITTY:

Alright, then how about some brownies. (she rubs Jackie's belly and then leans down to talk into it) Would you two like some brownies?

KITTY LAUGHS AND JACKIE SMILES, WEAKLY. DONNA AND ERIC ENTER THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR, DONNA IS CARRYING A GROCERY BAG.

KITTY:(cont'd)

(To Eric and Donna) Well, there's my newly engaged, handsome boy. Where were you two?

ERIC:

At Donna's.

DONNA:

(gives Eric a teasing smile) Yeah, my dad had some lawyer draw up some papers saying that Eric is contractually obligated to show up at the wedding this time.

RED:

Well when your dad's done with the lawyer send him over here and we can draw up eviction papers for Eric.

ERIC FROWNS AND SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE. DONNA CROSSES OVER TO JOIN KITTY AND JACKIE.

DONNA:

Here's that stuff you wanted for the party tomorrow. (she sets the grocery bag down)

KITTY:

(looking through the bag) Why are there so many boxes of Jell-O in here?

ERIC:

(with a smile) That was my idea. Nothing says, "Happy New Year" like Jell-O shots.

HYDE ENTERS HOLDING A PAIR OF PANTS. EVERYONE TURNS TO LOOK AT HIM.

KITTY:

Steven, are those Michael's pants?

HYDE:

(with a wicked smirk) Yeah.

KITTY:

And where is Michael?

HYDE:

In the garage.

RED:

(very irritated) In my garage? Without any pants? Dammit, why doesn't somebody just paint some pants on that kid.

ERIC:

(to Red) If you wanna touch Kelso's ass, be my guest.

RED SCOWLS AT ERIC.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, THAT NIGHT. JOANNE AND KITTY ARE HANGING UP DECORATIONS AND BOB IS UNLOADING SOME BOTTLES OF BOOZE FROM A BOX ONTO THE BAR. ERIC, DONNA HYDE, AND A SAD LOOKING JACKIE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH. RED WALKS IN AND LOOKS AROUND, A LITTLE ANNOYED AT ALL THE PEOPLE IN HIS LIVING ROOM.

RED:

(to Kitty, with a scowl) Aren't we hosting a party tomorrow?

KITTY:

Yes.

RED:

Then why are we hosting a party tonight too?

KITTY:

(with a smile) This isn't a party. It's a gathering.

RED:

Well, why can't everyone gather somewhere else for a change?

KITTY:

Because we are _the house,_ Red. There always has to be a house where everyone goes. And _we _are it.

RED:

(grouchy) What if I don't want to be "it" anymore?

KITTY:

(she shrugs and kisses Red on the cheek) Doesn't really matter.

RED FROWNS AND JOINS BOB AT THE BAR.

CUT TO THE KIDS ON THE COUCH.

ERIC:

All's I know is, 1980 is the year of, "Empire Strikes Back" so bring it on, baby!

DONNA:

(a little annoyed) Is that what excites you about 1980? The fact that the new "Star Wars" is coming out?

ERIC:

(wryly) Well, that and I like writing the number "8" better than the number "7".

DONNA:

What about us getting married, does that get you going a little bit?

ERIC:

(giving Donna his best sexy smile) The honeymoon does.

HYDE:

(to Eric) Hey, watch out for those honeymoons, man. They seem like a lot of fun and then nine months later - here you are. (he rubs Jackie's belly)

DONNA:

(laughing at Hyde) Yeah, that's kinda what birth control is for, Hyde.

HYDE:

(with a smirk) I like the element of risk.

DONNA:

Jackie, you're awfully quiet.

ERIC:

(under his breath) Donna, don't jinx it.

JACKIE:

(with a pout she lays her head on Hyde's shoulder) I have a stomach ache.

ERIC:

(giving Jackie a teasing smile)Was it the plate of brownies or the pint of ice cream?

ERIC'S SMILE FADES WHEN HE NOTICES HYDE DOESN'T LOOK AMUSED.

ERIC:

(to Hyde) You're gonna pants me now, aren't you?

HYDE:

(matter-of-factly) Yep.

ERIC:

Can I have a head start?

HYDE:

(with a shrug) Why not.

ERIC TAKES OFF RUNNING INTO THE KITCHEN, HYDE GIVES JACKIE A QUICK KISS AND THEN HE TAKES OFF AFTER ERIC.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, LATER THAT NIGHT. JACKIE IS ALONE AND SITTING ON THE COUCH. SHE IS NERVOUSLY RUBBING HER BELLY WHEN KELSO PEAKS HIS HEAD THROUGH THE KITCHEN DOOR

KELSO:

(scanning the room) Is Hyde in here?

JACKIE:

No, he's downstairs. (she points, threateningly, at Kelso) And don't go get him either.

KELSO STEPS INTO THE LIVING ROOM TO REVEAL HE IS IN HIS UNDERWEAR.

KELSO:

(very whiny) But I need my pants.

JACKIE TOSSES HIM A BLANKET OFF OF THE COUCH.

JACKIE:

(snotty) Here, wrap yourself up in this and be quiet.

KELSO:

Damn, Jackie. What's your problem?

JACKIE CONTINUES TO RUB HER BELLY AND SHE LOOKS AT HER WATCH. KELSO NOTICES HER DO THIS AND HE LOOKS AT HIS.

KELSO:

(to Jackie) It's 9:38.

JACKIE:

(very abruptly) Thank you, Michael, I can tell time.

JACKIE STANDS UP AND STARTS PACING BACK AND FORTH, TAKING DEEP BREATHS. SHE LOOKS AT HER WATCH, AGAIN. KELSO DOES THE SAME.

KELSO:

Still 9:38.

JACKIE:

_I know that_.

KELSO:

(with a dopey laugh) Wait a minute, something's gonna happen at 9:39 right? What, is Hyde gonna jump out and steal my shirt? (excitedly) Ooh, or a singing telegram?

JACKIE:

(closing her eyes, she takes a deep breath and lets it out) Michael, you really need to stop talking.

KELSO:

(watching Jackie with a nervous expression) Stop breathing like that, you sound like Darth Vader and you're starting to freak me out.

JACKIE:

(extremely frustrated, she yells at Kelso) SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!

KELSO:

(pouting) Well you don't gotta yell.

JACKIE GOES BACK TO RUBBING HER BELLY, NOW SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S IN PAIN.

JACKIE:

Michael, I think I'm going into labor.

IN TOTAL SHOCK, KELSO DROPS THE BLANKET HE HAS BEEN HOLDING AROUND HIS WAIST.

KELSO:

Oh holy crap, what do I do? (a beat and then he realizes) Wait, it's not my freakin' kid, where the hell is Hyde?

JACKIE:

(insistently) No, no. You can't tell Steven.

KELSO:

Jackie, Hyde's a smart guy, he's gonna figure it out when he hears babies crying.

JACKIE:

I know, I just ... I've gotta think of a way to break it to him.

KELSO:

(spastically) How about, "Hyde our kids want out, so get your ass upstairs!"

JACKIE:

(squeezing up her face, in pain) Oh boy, this is not as fun as I thought is was gonna be.

KELSO:

Are you in a lot of pain?

JACKIE:

(very bitchy) Well, it doesn't feel good.

KELSO:

(gleefully) This is AWESOME! (Jackie glares at him and he back-tracks, nervously) I mean it sucks for you that it hurts and all, but I'm super glad I'm here to see it. Cause when you something bad happens to you Hyde gets all flipped out and then the sunglasses come off and _that's_ just fun to watch.

HYDE ENTERS THROUGH THE KITCHEN DOOR. HE LOOKS BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN KELSO AND JACKIE.

KELSO:

(excitedly) Oh yeah, front row seat baby!

KELSO SITS IN RED'S CHAIR AND PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS, LIKE A LITTLE KID WATCHING A MOVIE.

HYDE:

(shaking his head at Kelso) Man, don't you ever get sick of me kicking your ass?

KELSO:

(indignantly) What'd _I _do.

HYDE:

(yells) You don't have any pants on, moron!

KELSO:

(points, spastically, at Hyde) That's cause YOU took 'em.

JACKIE:

(trying to smile) Um ... Steven, we should probably talk.

HYDE:

Why, what's goin' on?

KELSO:

(with a big smile) I was hoping for a singing telegram, but that's not it.

JACKIE AND HYDE BOTH TURN AND GLARE AT KELSO. HIS SMILE MORPHS INTO A FROWN. JACKIE CROSSES TO HYDE AND REACHES FOR HIS HAND.

JACKIE:

Now, don't freak out, cause I'm ok, but ... I think I'm going into labor.

HYDE:

(instantly loses his Zen) What? What do you mean you're going into labor? We have three weeks to go. I want my three weeks!

JACKIE DROPS HYDE'S HAND, IN TOTAL FRUSTRATION.

JACKIE:

(through clenched teeth) What do you want me to do, Steven? Hold them in?

HYDE:

No, I just want you to live up to your end of the deal. You said I had three more weeks, and I want those three weeks!

KELSO JUMPS UP OUT OF RED'S CHAIR AND PUSHES OPEN THE KITCHEN DOOR.

KELSO:

(yells excitedly) Everybody come quick, Hyde's about to have a melt down!

JACKIE STARTS HER DEEP BREATHING AGAIN AS HYDE STARTS TO PACE AROUND HER.

HYDE:

Are you sure you're going into labor, maybe you just ate too much.

JACKIE:

Don't mess with me right now, Steven. I swear to God I'll punch you right in the face.

HYDE RUNS HIS HAND THROUGH HIS HAIR AND THEN PULLS HIS SUNGLASSES OFF. KELSO JUMPS UP AND POINTS AT HYDE.

KELSO:

(laughing) There they go!

HYDE:

(yells nervously at the kitchen door) Mrs Forman! (he turns back to Jackie) How you doin'? Is it done yet?

JACKIE:

(very irritated) Do you _see _two babies?

HYDE:

(yells again, louder this time) Mrs. Forman!

KITTY ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN, FOLLOWED BY RED.

KITTY:

Oh for goodness sake, Steven. I heard you the first time, keep your pants on. (she notices Kelso) And Michael, _put_ some pants on.

HYDE:

(loudly) Jackie's having the babies.

RED:

(looking at Jackie) Not in my living room she's not.

KITTY:

Ok sweetie, just sit down here.

KITTY CALMLY TAKES JACKIE'S ARM AND LEADS HER OVER TO RED'S CHAIR AND HELPS HER SIT DOWN.

RED:

(with a huff) Not on my chair.

KITTY:

(rolling her eyes at Red) Red, calm down. No one is giving birth on your precious chair. Now, Jackie, are you having contractions?

JACKIE:

How am I supposed to know? I've never done this before.

KITTY:

Ok, well what does it feel like?

JACKIE:

Well, it's kind of like ... HOLY HELL THAT HURTS! (she grabs her belly and bends over in pain)

KITTY:

(she smiles and rubs Jackie's back) Yep, she's in labor.

HYDE GOES BACK TO PACING, HE CAN'T SEEM TO GET HIS ZEN BACK.

HYDE:

Ok, what ... what do we do? Do I boil some water, call the doctor, get her a drink? What?

KITTY:

(to Hyde) Well, getting _yourself _a drink might be a good idea. And then how about we just take her to the hospital?

HYDE HEADS TOWARDS THE KITCHEN WHILE ERIC, DONNA, LAURIE AND FEZ ENTER THROUGH THE DOOR.

ERIC:

(looking back and forth between Jackie and Hyde) What's going on?

HYDE:

(trying to push past Eric) Get out of my way before my kids are born in your living room!

KITTY CROSSES TO HYDE AND GENTLY PULLS HIM TOWARDS HER.

KITTY:

Alright, let's just put somebody else in charge of getting that drink for Steven. Donna, go get the biggest glass you can find and fill it up with booze. (Donna heads into the kitchen) And Steven, calm down you've got plenty of time.

HYDE:

(to Kitty) How much time? Like, do I get the three weeks I'm owed?

KITTY:

No. (she smiles) But you probably have three hours.

KELSO RUNS UP WITH MRS. FORMAN'S CAMERA AND SNAPS A PICTURE OF HYDE.

KELSO:

(with a big grin) That's my new favorite picture of Hyde!

FEZ:

Finally, a picture of him without those damn sunglasses.

HYDE:

(yells towards the kitchen) How's that drink comin' Donna?

KITTY HEADS BACK TO JACKIE AS HYDE, NERVOUSLY, PACES.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. POINT PLACE HOSPITAL, JACKIE'S HOSPITAL ROOM., ABOUT AN HOUR LATER. THE ROOM HAS A DOORWAY TO A BATHROOM AND A DOOR INTO THE HALL. THERE IS A TABLE WITH A FEW CHAIRS AND A ROCKING CHAIR. MEDICAL EQUIPMENT IS EVERYWHERE. THERE IS ALSO A WINDOW, A TV AND A RADIO. JACKIE IS IN A HOSPITAL GOWN IN THE BED. HYDE IS IN A CHAIR SITTING NEXT TO HER, HE KEEPS TRYING TO HOLD HER HAND AND SHE KEEPS SWATTING HIM AWAY. SHE LOOKS COMPLETELY MISERABLE. KITTY IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BED. A NURSE IS TAKING JACKIE'S VITALS.

HYDE:

(getting annoyed) Jackie, stop hitting me.

JACKIE:

(she hisses at Hyde) Stop trying to touch me.

THE NURSE LOOKS, UNCOMFORTABLY, BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN JACKIE AND HYDE.

KITTY:

(smiles at the nurse) They really are lovely people.

NURSE:

Alright Mrs. Hyde, Dr. Fontana is on his way. So, he said to just try and make you comfortable until he gets here.

JACKIE:

(gives the nurse a deadly glare) And exactly how are you going to do that? Are _you_ going to have the babies for me?

KITTY LAUGHS NERVOUSLY AND THEN LEANS IN TO TALK TO JACKIE.

KITTY:

(quietly) Jackie, let's try to take your anger out on Steven and not the poor nurse, ok sweetheart?

JACKIE:

(giving Kitty a sad nod) Ok Mrs. Forman.

HYDE:

Hold on, I'm not sure I like that plan.

KITTY:

(giving Hyde a fake smile) Well, that's the plan we're going with so - tough luck.

NURSE:

(to Jackie) Now, will you be wanting drugs?

JACKIE AND HYDE:

_YES!_

NURSE:

(smiles nervously at Jackie and Hyde) Wow. That was enthusiastic. I'll just get your IV hooked up.

THE NURSE GETS OUT A NEEDLE AND IV TUBE AND STARTS CLEANING OFF JACKIE'S HAND.

HYDE:

(to the nurse) Hey, don't stick her with that thing!

JACKIE:

Yes, stick me with that thing! That's where they put the drugs.

HYDE:

(backing-off) Sorry, my mistake. Stick away.

AS THE VERY NERVOUS NURSE TRIES TO PUT IN JACKIE'S IV KITTY WATCHES HER EVERY MOVE.

KITTY:

(to the nurse) Now be careful because she's very tiny. She probably has little, itty-bitty veins. Now don't ... just ... oh here, give me that!

KITTY TAKES THE SUPPLIES FROM THE NURSE AND SHE PROCEEDS TO PUT IN JACKIE'S IV. THE NURSE QUICKLY EXITS. JACKIE'S FACE SOFTENS AND SHE STROKES HYDE'S BEARD.

JACKIE:

Steven, I'm apologizing in advance for all the horrible things I'm going to say to you. But I'm in a lot of pain and I'm also in this horrible hospital gown; and the combination of the two is going to make me a royal bitch.

HYDE:

Good to know.

THE NURSE COMES BACK IN.

NURSE:

(to Hyde) Um ... excuse me, but do you happen to know the three young men that are racing wheelchairs in the hallway.

HYDE:

I'm gonna go with, "yes".

NURSE:

(meekly) Would you mind asking them to stop doing it?

HYDE LETS OUT A SIGH AND GETS UP FROM HIS CHAIR, THEN HE HEADS TO THE DOOR.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM, SHORT WHILE LATER. RED, DONNA AND ERIC ARE SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM. RED IS READING A MAGAZINE AND ERIC AND DONNA ARE PLAYING CRIBBAGE. KITTY WALKS IN AND SHE TURNS TO ERIC.

KITTY:

(with a sarcastic smile) Did you win your wheelchair race, sweetie?

ERIC SMILES NERVOUSLY AND RED GLARES AT HIM.

RED:

(points at Eric) Do it again and you'll actually need a wheelchair.

KITTY:

(to Red) Well, I guess I should call everyone and tell them the party's off.

RED:

(with a grin) Let me do it. You know how I love sharing bad news.

ERIC:

(whiny) We don't have to cancel the party. She'll probably squeeze those kids out in what ... one, maybe two hours tops?

KITTY SITS DOWN NEXT TO RED.

KITTY:

Well, she's only dilated to three right now so it's going to be a while.

ERIC:

(confused) Dilated to three? What's that mean?

DONNA:

(under her breath, to Eric) Don't ask, you're not gonna like the answer.

KITTY:

Well Eric, the cervix has to thin-out and open up ...

ERIC:

(immediately covers his ears with his hands) Stop talking, my ears are burning.

KITTY:

(to Eric) You know, if you would've read that copy of, Our Bodies, Ourselves I gave you - you'd know these things.

KELSO, FEZ, LAURIE, BOB AND JOANNE ENTER. THEY ARE CARRYING SOME DECORATIONS AND LOTS OF BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE.

BOB:

(holding up a disco ball) Who's ready for a party?

RED:

(standing up) What in the hell?

BOB:

(smiles and shrugs) I don't see why we can't have our New Year's party here?

RED:

If this means there's no party at my house, I'm all for it.

BOB AND JOANNE JOIN RED IN THE CHAIRS.

ERIC:

(pauses, thinking) This is actually a good idea. When Kelso sets off the firecrackers he'll already be at the hospital. It'll save on driving time.

KELSO:

(with an excited smile) Yeah, I thought about that. That's why I doubled up on my purchase of bottle rockets. (he pulls out a huge handful of firecrackers)

KITTY:

(with concern) Now kids, try and take it easy. You've got twenty-five hours until 1980.

FEZ:

No problem. We have been training for this night our whole lives.

KELSO:

(nodding) That's right, we're like the marathon runners of partying! Twenty -five hours is nothin' to us!

JOANNE:

Look at it this way, Kitty, if one of them collapses they're already at the hospital.

KITTY PULLS LAURIE AWAY FROM THE REST OF THE GROUP.

KITTY:

Laurie, try to remember I work here, so ... don't let anyone catch you and Fez doing something inappropriate.

LAURIE:

(with a ditzy smile) Don't worry Mom. We'll be sure to lock the door.

KITTY SHAKES HER HEAD, SADLY AND SHE JOINS RED BACK AT THE CHAIRS. MEANWHILE, THE GANG HAS TAKEN OVER A TABLE AND THEY'RE STARTING TO POP OPEN THE CHAMPAGNE.

ERIC:

(hoisting a bottle in the air) Gentleman, let the partying ... commence.

FEZ AND KELSO EACH GRAB A BOTTLE AND THEN ALL THREE TAKE A BIG PULL OF CHAMPAGNE. LAURIE WATCHES IN AMUSEMENT AND DONNA SHAKES HER HEAD.

DONNA:

This is gonna get ugly.

THE GUYS PASS LAURIE AND DONNA THE CHAMPAGNE, AND THEY TOO TAKE A SWIG.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. JACKIE'S HOSPITAL ROOM, A SHORT WHILE LATER. JACKIE HAS HER FACE BURIED IN HYDE'S CHEST AND HE IS RUBBING HER BACK. DR. FONTANA HAS JUST FINISHED AN EXAM AND HE COMES TO THE OTHER SIDE OF JACKIE'S BED.

DR. FONTANA:

(in a gentle tone) Jackie, things seem to be slowing down a little.

JACKIE PUSHES HERSELF OFF OF HYDE AND TURNS TO FACE DR. FONTANA.

JACKIE:

(very bitchy) Slowing down? I don't wanna hear about things slowing down. I wanna hear about things speeding up!

DR. FONTANA:

You're still only at three centimeters. I think you should do something to take your mind off of things and to help your labor progress. Why don't you and Steven go for a little walk.

HYDE:

(in disbelief) A walk? You want me to take her for a walk? Why don't I just take her outside and we can shoot some hoops.

DR. FONTANA:

(with a smile) Steven, a walk will be good for her. It gives gravity a little help and in a short time Jackie's going to be confined to bed because we'll have to hook her up to the fetal monitor. So, this is her last chance to get up and move around a little bit.

JACKIE:

(giving Dr. Fontana puppy dog eyes) How much longer before I can get those drugs?

HYDE:

Same question.

DR. FONTANA:

(with a small grin) Tell you what, why don't you two go take that stroll and I'll put the order in with the nurse.

HYDE:

(nodding) That's the best thing you've said since we got here.

DR. FONTANA GIVES JACKIE A REASSURING PAT AND THE HE AND HYDE HELP HER SIT UP AND SWING HER LEGS OUT OF THE BED.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. POINT PLACE HOSPITAL, A HALLWAY, 12:14 A.M. DECEMBER 31. JACKIE HAS A PINK ROBE AND SOME PINK SLIPPERS ON AND SHE IS PULLING HER IV ALONG WITH HER ON A ROLLING STAND. SHE IS WALKING ALONG SLOWLY AND HYDE IS HOLDING ONTO HER ARM. SHE STOPS AND TURNS TO HYDE.

JACKIE:

(with a small smile) This is it Steven.

HYDE:

Oh crap, don't have the kids in the hallway.

JACKIE:

(shaking her head) No, I'm not having them right now. (she snuggles up to Hyde and he wraps his arm around her) I just meant, this is the last time it's gonna be just us. Just you and I. By ourselves.

HYDE:

(with a smirk) Well, we're never really by ourselves. We've always got at least two morons with us.

JACKIE:

(pulling back to look up at Hyde) I'm serious Steven. We're gonna be a family.

JACKIE SMILES SWEETLY AT HYDE AND HE LOOKS A LITTLE UNEASY SO HE GIVES HER A CROOKED GRIN.

HYDE:

A really hot family.

JACKIE ROLLS HER EYES AND HYDE LEANS DOWN AND GIVES HER A KISS. THEN HE PULLS AWAY SLIGHTLY AND GIVES HER A DEVILISH GRIN.

HYDE:

I don't suppose there's any chance ...

JACKIE:

(glaring at him) Are you seriously asking me this? Right now? As I'm about to give birth you wanna go have sex?

HYDE:

(a beat) So, then, this is a bad time?

JACKIE STARTS HITTING HYDE. HE TRIES NOT TO LAUGH AND PUTS UP HIS HANDS TO DEFEND HIMSELF.

HYDE:

Hey, no hitting in this family.

JUST THEN, LAURIE AND FEZ EMERGE FROM A ROOM. THEY BOTH LOOK VERY DISHEVELED AND FEZ IS CARRYING A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE. AS LAURIE TRIES TO FIX HER HAIR, FEZ HOLDS UP THE BOTTLE TO JACKIE AND HYDE AND WINKS AT THEM.

FEZ:

Happy New Year my friends.

LAURIE AND FEZ WALK OFF AND JACKIE AND HYDE WATCH THEM GO.

HYDE:

See what I mean - we're _never _alone.

JACKIE JUST SHAKES HER HEAD AND THEY CONTINUE THEIR WALK.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 5

INT. JACKIE'S HOSPITAL ROOM., A SHORT TIME LATER. JACKIE IS BACK IN BED AND SHE IS HOOKED UP TO A MONITOR. SHE LOOKS ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE. HYDE IS SITTING NEXT TO HER, COMPLETELY UNSURE OF WHAT TO DO.

JACKIE:

(through clenched teeth) Oh my God, Steven this hurts so much.

HYDE:

(quietly) I know baby.

JACKIE:

(turns and gives him a nasty look) No. You don't. You don't know. (she gasps and covers her mouth) Oh Steven, I'm sorry. (she strokes his cheek, apologetically) Can you please rub my back?

HYDE PROCEEDS TO SIT DOWN ON HER BED AND RUB JACKIE'S LOWER BACK.

HYDE:

Here?

JACKIE:

(crazed) No not there! What's the matter with you?

HYDE:

(sighing, in defeat) Apparently a lot. (he moves his hand) OK, how about here?

JACKIE:

(with a sad smile) Yeah, that helps. Thank you.

HYDE:

You're welcome.

JACKIE:

(biting his head off) Stop talking! You're driving me crazy!

POOR HYDE QUICKLY SHUTS HIS MOUTH AND KEEPS RUBBING JACKIE'S BACK, SILENTLY.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

Don't breathe so hard! You're breathing right in my ear.

HYDE LEANS HIS UPPER BODY BACK, AWAY FROM JACKIE, BUT HE KEEPS RUBBING HER BACK.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

(swatting at his hand on her back) OW, OW, OW! Stop rubbing my back!

HYDE:

(calling nervously towards the door) Mrs. Forman?

DONNA AND LAURIE ENTER. THEY HEAD TOWARDS THE BED.

DONNA:

How's she doing?

JACKIE:

Oh Donna, thank God. (she shoves Hyde off of the bed) Steven, move!

HYDE:

(with a fake smile) She's doin' great.

LAURIE HOLDS UP A MAKE-UP CASE.

LAURIE:

We brought your make-up. And I'll even put it on for you.

HYDE:

(looking at Laurie like she's crazy) She doesn't need make-up right now.

JACKIE:

(frowning at Hyde) Oh yes I do! Do you know how many pictures are going to be taken of me today? (pointing at Hyde) And take off those damn sunglasses. The babies are going to think those are your eyes.

HYDE SIGHS AGAIN AND TAKES OFF HIS SUNGLASSES, HOOKING THEM ONTO HIS SHIRT. DONNA AND LAURIE BEGIN FUSSING OVER JACKIE WHEN THE NURSE ENTERS FOLLOWED BY KITTY

KITTY:

(in a sing-song voice) The drugs are here!

HYDE:

(quickly) Thank God.

JACKIE:

Knock me out!

THE NURSE HEADS OVER TO JACKIE'S IV AND INJECTS IT WITH A SYRINGE.

NURSE:

(to Jackie) Alright, now just try to relax.

HYDE:

(quietly, to the nurse) About how long do they take to start working?

JACKIE'S EXPRESSION IMMEDIATELY CHANGES. SHE LOOKS COMPLETELY STONED AND SHE GIVES HYDE A VERY GOOFY SMILE.

JACKIE:

Look at my Puddin' Pop. (she begins popping her lips) Pop. Pop. (her eyes go wide) Wow, check out what I can do with my lips.

HYDE:

Never mind.

CUT TO CIRCLE

INT. JACKIE'S ROOM. JACKIE IS PROPPED UP IN HER BED. SHE LOOKS TOTALLY OUT-OF-IT.

JACKIE:

(exaggerating the sounds) Nubain. Nuuuu-baaaaain. Say that once, it sounds so cool. (she reaches up and rubs her IV bag) I love you, Nubain.

CUT TO DONNA WHO IS HOLDING A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE.

DONNA:

You know what I love? Champagne. It's the bubbles. They make me silly.

CUT TO LAURIE. SHE IS STARING INTO HER BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE.

LAURIE:

(with a huge gasp) _Bubbles. _Bubbles are pretty.

CUT TO KITTY WHO IS ALSO HOLDING A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE

KITTY:

(looking at all of the girls) You girls are a little nuts. But I like nuts. Ooh, especially macadamia nuts. They come from Hawaii you know. They're practically foreign.

CUT TO JACKIE

JACKIE:

(with a spacey smile) Who invented Nubain? Cause he's my new best friend. You know who's not my friend? (she scowls) Steven. He did this to me. And, as soon as these drugs wear off, I'm gonna yell at him again.

CUT TO DONNA

DONNA:

(nodding) You know, good looking guys should come with a warning label, right across their chests. It could be like a tattoo from God. It should say, "yes, he's really good looking and I know you wanna sleep with him, but giving birth really hurts."

CUT TO JACKIE

JACKIE:

Really, really, really hurts. Nuuuuu-baaaaaain.

CUT TO DONNA

DONNA:

(smiling at Jackie) I've missed having you in the circle.

CUT TO LAURIE

LAURIE:

(raising up her bottle of champagne) Happy 1980 girls!

CUT TO KITTY

KITTY:

(frowning) I am so frickin' old. (she takes a swig out of her bottle)

CUT TO INT. JANITOR'S CLOSET

CIRCLE

HYDE:

(looking around, very paranoid) Things are not goin' well in there. Jackie's scaring the crap out of me. (he starts to laugh) I'm a little afraid she might kill me, man.

CUT TO ERIC WHO IS WEARING SCRUBS AND A SURGICAL HAT AND MASK.

ERIC:

Guys, check it out - the doctor is _IN_! Start your new year off right with a visit to the Doctor of Love. (he blows into a noise maker) Happy New Year baby, YEAH!

CUT TO FEZ

FEZ:

(scowling) Ok, I am making a rule right now. In the new year, no one can hang Fez up by his underwear. It's just not funny anymore.

CUT TO KELSO

KELSO:

(with a big, open-mouthed smile) Wow, we're like living in the future man. I bet we'll all be driving flying cars and have our own robots in like two months. (a beat) I hope I get a sexy girl robot.

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

What am I supposed to do once Jackie's drugs wear off and she realizes I'm gone? (with a mellow smile) I'm probably gonna start to worry about that pretty soon.

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

(swaying back and forth) Woo-hoo! Happy New Year! (he stops and looks at his watch and then frowns) Oh crap, we've still got twenty-two hours to go.

CUT TO FEZ

FEZ:

(to Eric) Don't stop. I like the vibe you were putting out.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 3

SCENE 1

INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM, THAT AFTERNOON. BOB AND JOANNE ARE NAPPING IN THE CHAIRS. LAURIE AND FEZ ARE SITTING ON TOP OF THE TABLE STILL DRINKING THEIR CHAMPAGNE. KELSO, DONNA AND ERIC ARE SITTING IN CHAIRS NEAR THE TABLE. KELSO LOOKS WIDE AWAKE, BUT DONNA AND ERIC LOOK EXHAUSTED.

ERIC:

(flatly) Happy New Year. (a beat and then he pumps his fist, weakly) Yay.

DONNA:

(whining) Oh my God, we've been here for fifteen hours. When is she gonna have those kids?

FEZ:

(points at Donna) Don't you dare stop partying. I will slap you silly.

LAURIE:

(gives Eric a taunting smile) We should've known "Mom and Dad" couldn't keep up.

KELSO:

(laughing at Eric and Donna) Mom and Dad ... I forgot about that one. That's an _awesome _nickname. (a beat) I still really like "Jug-A-Poppin" though.

DONNA:

(stands up in a huff) No way. We are _not_ Mom and Dad. Come on Eric, you just got your second wind.

ERIC:

(confused) I did?

DONNA YANKS ERIC TO HER AND STARTS MAKING OUT WITH HIM. ERIC PULLS AWAY FROM DONNA WITH A HUGE SMILE ON HIS FACE.

ERIC:

I _did._

HE GRABS DONNA AND THEY START MAKING OUT AGAIN. THE OTHER THREE RESUME DRINKING.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 3

SCENE 2

INT. JACKIE'S ROOM, A FEW HOURS LATER. JACKIE IS ASLEEP IN THE BED AND HYDE IS SITTING IN A CHAIR AT HER BEDSIDE. HE LOOKS EXHAUSTED BUT HE DOESN'T TAKE HIS EYES OFF JACKIE. THE RADIO IS ON SOFTLY IN THE BACKGROUND, _"MAYBE I'M AMAZED" _BY PAUL MCCARTNEY IS PLAYING.

"_Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love all the time_

_Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you_

_Maybe I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time_

_Hung me on a line_

_Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you"_

KITTY QUIETLY ENTERS THE ROOM AND HEADS OVER TO HYDE.

KITTY:

How's she doing?

HYDE:

She finally fell asleep. (with a small smirk) But only after I promised her I'd wake her up when the babies came. (Kitty smiles and he nods) Yeah. They gave her a refill on my friend, the bag. (pointing to her IV bag)

KITTY:

(she rubs Hyde's arm) Sweetie, you look beat. When was the last time you slept?

HYDE:

I don't know. (with a weak smile) What day is it?

HYDE SMILE FADES AND HE SUDDENLY LOOKS VERY TIRED AND WORRIED, HYDE RESTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS AND RUBS HIS EYES.

HYDE:(cont'd)

Mrs. Forman, she's been in labor for 18 hours. That seems like a lot.

KITTY:

(smiles at Hyde) Well, that's only nine hours per baby. That's not so bad.

KITTY SEEMS TO NOTICE HOW WORRIED HYDE IS AND SHE LEANS DOWN NEXT TO HIM AND TAKES HIS HAND.

KITTY:(cont'd)

She's going to be ok, Steven.

HYDE:

(defensively) I know that.

KITTY BACKS-OFF AND SIGHS QUIETLY.

KITTY:

You really should sleep.

HYDE:

(insistently) I'm not sleeping.

KITTY:

Ok, ok. (she pauses and changes her approach) How about I sit here with you then?

HYDE:

Sure. I mean ... that's cool.

KITTY SMILES AND PULLS A CHAIR UP NEXT TO HYDE'S. SHE PATS HIM ON THE HAND AND HE SEEMS TO RELAX JUST SLIGHTLY.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 3

SCENE 3

INT. JACKIE'S HOSPITAL ROOM, THAT EVENING. THE ATMOSPHERE OF THE ROOM HAS COMPLETELY CHANGED. NOW, IT'S A PARTY. THE RADIO IS ON AGAIN AND, _"GET DOWN TONIGHT" _BY KC AND THE SUNSHINE BAND IS PLAYING. FEZ AND LAURIE ARE DANCING. RED, KITTY, BOB AND JOANNE ARE SEATED AT THE TABLE. THEY ARE PLAYING CARDS. DONNA IS SITTING ON THE BED BRUSHING JACKIE'S HAIR. HYDE IS IN HIS CHAIR, NEXT TO JACKIE. KELSO AND ERIC ARE HAVING A BEER AND HANGING OUT BY HYDE.

KELSO:

(excitedly) This is like the best place in the world to have a party! There are TVs and radios, and the beds move up and down in case you find a lady. Oh, and there's ice everywhere so my drink is always super cold

ERIC:

I still don't understand why we have to listen to disco?

HYDE:

(scowls at Eric) Hey, when you give birth - you get to pick the music.

DONNA:

(grinning at Hyde) Wow. The marriage was a big deal, the pregnancy - huge. But Hyde listening to disco? Now that's love.

FEZ:

(while he twirls Laurie) I am digging the tunes. It gives me a chance to show my stuff.

RED:

(in a warning tone, to Fez) Keep your _stuff_ under wraps, Tonto.

KITTY:

(to the guys) That's good advice for all of you boys. Why don't you all make a New Year's resolution to stop exposing yourself in public.

DR. FONTANA ENTERS AND LOOKS AROUND WITH A SMILE.

DR. FONTANA:

So, this is where the party is. How about we invite two babies?

ERIC:

(sarcastically) Yeah, I think their invitations got lost in the mail cause they don't seem to be coming.

DR. FONTANA:

(listening to the music) Disco, eh? Any of you ladies care for a spin?

HE HOLDS OUT A HAND AND KITTY QUICKLY STANDS UP AND TAKES IT

KITTY:

(with a laugh) Well Happy New Year to me - I'll go.

KITTY AND DR. FONTANA START DANCING AND RED JUST ROLLS HIS EYES.

FEZ:

(glaring at Dr. Fontana) Oh great, who invited Dr. Dancing Pants?

JACKIE:

(very spaced-out) Ooh ... I wanna dance. (giving Hyde her best pout) Dance with me, Puddin' Pop.

ERIC:

(taunting Hyde) Yeah, Puddin' Pop. Let's see those moves.

HYDE IGNORES ERIC AND TRIES TO REASON WITH JACKIE.

HYDE:

I'm not so sure you should be dancing right now, Jackie.

JACKIE:

Party pooper. Alright, who needs a refill on their champagne, cause I need a refill on my little bag here.

DR. FONTANA GIVES KITTY ONE LAST SPIN AND THEN HEADS OVER TO JACKIE.

DR. FONTANA:

Well, I hate to break up the party but I need to check on Jackie so we're going to have to move the festivities into the waiting room.

EVERYBODY STARTS GATHERING UP THEIR THINGS

FEZ:

(with a cheesy grin) That's ok. Because wherever we go - that's where the party is.

EVERYBODY FILES OUT OF THE ROOM. AS ERIC, KELSO AND FEZ WALK OUT RED STOPS THEM AND POINTS TO JACKIE AND HYDE.

RED:

I want you three dumbasses to take one last look at Steven and Jackie. _This_ is what happens when you, (quoting the song in irritation) "do a little dance, make a little love". (he points, threateningly at the guys) Got it?

FEZ:

Red, I didn't know you liked disco.

RED GLARES AT FEZ IN EXASPERATION AND THEY ALL EXIT.

JACKIE:

(calling after them) No ... don't leave. Steven was gonna put up the disco ball and then (suddenly, her face contorts, in pain) _OW, OW, OW, OW_! (angrily) Why does that keep happening?

DR. FONTANA IS AT THE FOOT OF JACKIE'S BED.

DR. FONTANA:

Because, you, my dear, are ready to go.

HYDE:

(quickly) She is?

JACKIE:

I am?

DR. FONTANA:

(with a nod) You are. So what do you say we get ready for a couple of babies?

JACKIE:

(with a smile) I say refill my little bag and you've got a deal.

DR. FONTANA:

(seriously) Jackie, we can't give you any more painkillers this close to delivering. It could affect the babies.

JACKIE:

(starting to lose it) I didn't know that. Why didn't somebody tell me that? Steven, why didn't somebody tell me that? (she bends over and starts breathing deeply and quickly) Oh _good Lord_ that hurts.

DR. FONTANA:

Alright you two, I'll go get the nurse and then let's get you wheeled into the delivery room. Steven, why don't you go put on your scrubs.

DR. FONTANA EXITS AND HYDE STARTS TO FOLLOW. JACKIE GRABS HIS ARM AND STOPS HIM

JACKIE:

(panicked) Steven, don't go!

HYDE:

Jackie, I'll be right back. It's gonna be ok. (brushing her hair out of her face) You're almost done, you just have to push the babies out and then you're done.

JACKIE:

(sadly) Yeah, but that's the hardest part. (suddenly, Jackie looks terrified) Steven, I'm scared.

HYDE SEEMS TO BE MOMENTARILY UNABLE TO MOVE THEN HE RUNS A HAND THROUGH HIS HAIR AND SITS BACK DOWN NEXT TO JACKIE.

HYDE:

Ok ... so what do you do when you're scared?

JACKIE PAUSES, LIKE SHE'S THINKING AND THEN SHE SMILES, MEEKLY, AT HYDE.

JACKIE:

I hold on to you.

HYDE GIVES JACKIE A GRIN AND THEN STANDS UP AND KISSES HER ON TOP OF HER HEAD.

HYDE:

(quietly) Sounds like a plan.

THEY STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR A FEW SECONDS AND THEN ANOTHER CONTRACTION HITS JACKIE AND SHE BEGINS PANTING.

JACKIE:

(in between breaths) Gimme your hand. And I'm sorry.

JACKIE FRANTICALLY GRABS HYDE'S HAND AND SQUEEZES HER EYES SHUT.

HYDE:

(confused) Why? (he winces, in pain, as Jackie clamps down on his hand) _Ow, ow, ow._

JACKIE:

That's why.

HYDE:

(through clenched teeth) You've gotta let go of my hand. (she does and Hyde rubs his hand, in pain) Crap that hurt.

JACKIE:

(glaring at Hyde) Say the word "hurt" again, I dare you.

HYDE SIGHS AND JACKIE GOES BACK TO HER LABOR BREATHING.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 3

SCENE 4

INT. HOSPITAL DELIVERY ROOM, ABOUT AN HOUR LATER. HYDE IS NOW WEARING SCRUBS OVER HIS CLOTHES, AS IS DR. FONTANA AND THE TWO NURSES IN THE ROOM. THERE IS ANOTHER DOCTOR GETTING THINGS READY NEAR TWO HOSPITAL BASINETS. HYDE IS STANDING NEAR THE HEAD OF THE BED HELPING JACKIE SIT UP, THERE IS A NURSE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF JACKIE DOING THE SAME. JACKIE IS IN A DELIVERY POSITION AND DR. FONTANA IS AT THE FOOT OF THE BED, PARTIALLY COVERED UP BY A SHEET. JACKIE IS COVERED IN SWEAT AND SHE LOOKS EXHAUSTED. SHE HAS HER CHIN TUCKED INTO HER CHEST AND HER FACE SQUEEZED UP AS SHE PUSHES.

DR. FONTANA:

(counting aloud as Jackie pushes) Seven, eight, nine, ten ... and relax.

JACKIE FLOPS BACK DOWN ON THE BED, OUT OF BREATH, AS HYDE WIPES SOME HAIR OFF OF HER FACE.

HYDE:

(grinning, proudly, at Jackie) You're bad ass. You know that right?

JACKIE:

(giving Hyde a small smile) Steven, can you please go get Donna and Mrs. Forman, I need them to be here. (she lifts her head to look at Dr. Fontana) Is that ok?

DR. FONTANA:

(with a kind smile and a nod) Sure. (to the nurse) Give Steven a couple of gowns.

THE NURSE HANDS HYDE SOME SCRUBS AS HE SPRINTS TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT UP, IMMEDIATELY THE ENTIRE GANG FALLS THROUGH THE DOOR.

HYDE:

(looking at everybody) What the hell?

KITTY:

Well, if you would just leave the door open we wouldn't have to do this.

KELSO:

(with a dopey laugh) Nice outfit Hyde.

HYDE:

(ignoring Kelso, he hands Kitty some scrubs) She wants you and Donna.

KITTY:

(looks like she's going to cry) She does?

HYDE:

Uh-huh.

DONNA AND KITTY LOOK SO TOUCHED IT'S LIKE THEY'RE UNABLE TO MOVE. RED HOLLERS TO GET THEM OUT OF THEIR TRANCE.

RED:

Well, stop crying and get moving, you two!

HYDE CLOSES THE DOOR AND HEADS BACK TO JACKIE.

JACKIE:

Are they coming?

HYDE:

(with a nod) They'll be right here.

JACKIE:

(with a whimper) Oh God, here comes another one.

HYDE AND THE NURSE HELP BACK JACKIE SIT BACK UP AS SHE PUTS HER CHIN BACK TO HER CHEST AND STARTS TO PUSH.

DR. FONTANA:

One, two, three, four ... good girl, Jackie, keep going.

JACKIE:

(through clenched teeth) _I'm trying!_

DR. FONTANA:

Eight, nine, ten. And relax again.

JACKIE LAYS BACK DOWN ON THE BED AS KITTY AND DONNA COME UP TO HER BED. THE NURSE AT JACKIE'S SIDE STEPS OUT OF THE WAY TO MAKE ROOM.. DONNA SMILES AT JACKIE.

DONNA:

Look at you, I think you're actually sweating.

JACKIE:

I'm a mess.

KITTY:

(taking Jackie's hand) You look beautiful sweetie.

JACKIE:

(sadly, to Kitty) This is taking a really long time. I ... I think I'm doing something wrong.

DONNA:

You're doing great Jackie. The problem is those kids, see, this is what happens when you and Hyde reproduce, you get the most stubborn babies in the world.

HYDE:

She's right. They're probably fighting about who gets to come out first.

JACKIE SMILES AT THEM AND THEN HER EXPRESSION CHANGES AS ANOTHER CONTRACTION HITS HER.

JACKIE:

Here we go again.

DONNA BACKS UP A LITTLE AS KITTY AND HYDE HELP JACKIE SIT BACK UP AND SHE GETS READY TO PUSH AGAIN.

DR. FONTANA:

That's it Jackie, you're doing perfectly.

JACKIE:

(breathlessly, while she pushes) If I'm doing so hot why aren't there babies popping out of me?

DR. FONTANA:

Jackie, you're right there, I can see a head.

DONNA HEADS TO THE END OF JACKIE'S BED AND HER MOUTH DROPS OPEN.

DONNA:

He's telling the truth, Jackie! Hyde, you should come see this.

HYDE:

(quickly) That's ok, I'm good.

JACKIE FLOPS BACK ON THE BED, COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED SHE STARTS TO CRY, SOFTLY.

JACKIE:

That's it. I'm done.(in total frustration) If you want these babies to come out, you're going to have to do it!

DR. FONTANA:

Just rest until your next contraction.

JACKIE STARTS SOBBING.

JACKIE:

No. No more contractions. No more pushing. (in between sobs, she turns to Hyde) Steven, I can't do it anymore. I just can't. I'm so tired.

SHE CLUTCHES ONTO HYDE'S SHIRT AND HE GIVES HER A QUICK KISS AND SMILES.

HYDE:

I know you are baby, but you've gotta keep going. You're almost there.

JACKIE:

(shaking her head) What if I'm not? What if I push and I push and they never come out?

HYDE:

Jackie, you can do this. Who got voted head cheerleader by the widest margin in Point Place High history?

JACKIE:

(weakly) I did.

HYDE:

Exactly, and who got Donna to start wearing lipstick on special occasions?

JACKIE:

(with a tiny nod) That was me too.

HYDE:

(he tweaks her chin) And who managed to get Steven Hyde to marry her?

JACKIE:

Me. I did that.

HYDE:

Then you can do anything. So come on, you've gotta keep going.

JACKIE:

(she nods and gives Hyde a sad, little smile) Ok.

DR. FONTANA:

Alright Jackie, give me another big, strong push.

HYDE AND KITTY HELP JACKIE SIT UP AND SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND AGAIN STARTS TO PUSH.

HYDE:

(quietly into her ear) Come on Jackie, I bet the first one is a girl.

JACKIE:

(her face squeezed up as she pushes) Stop talking!

DR. FONTANA:

Here comes the head.

JACKIE:

Oh thank God, she has a head.

DR. FONTANA:

(encouragingly) Keep going Jackie.

JACKIE:

(yells out in pain) Oh my God! Are you kidding me?

DR. FONTANA:

Here comes number one. And ... it's a boy!

THE BABY STARTS CRYING. JACKIE STARTS SOBBING AGAIN AND COLLAPSES AGAINST HYDE. HE KISSES HER ON TOP OF HER HEAD AND STARES, IN AWE AT THE BABY.

HYDE:

Oh man ...look at him, (quickly counting) one head, two arms, two legs, ten finger, ten toes and ... yep, it's a boy.

JACKIE:

(urgently) Is he ok?

DR. FONTANA:

He's perfect. We're just going to get him cleaned up.

A NURSE COMES UP TO DR. FONTANA, GENTLY TAKES THE BABY AND HEADS BACK TO THE PEDIATRICIAN AT THE BASINET. KITTY FOLLOWS THE NURSE AND DONNA TAKES KITTY'S PLACE NEXT TO JACKIE.

JACKIE:

(staring at Hyde) Oh my God Steven, we have a little boy.

HYDE:

I know.

JACKIE:

(wiping her eyes) I wanna hold him. Does he look like you?

HYDE:

It's kind of hard to tell cause he's all covered in slime. (taking Jackie's face in his hands) You did it doll.

JACKIE:

(with a smile) I did, didn't I. (she groans as another contraction hits her) Oh crap, here comes another one! I forgot I have to do this twice. This one better be a girl.

HYDE AND DONNA HELP JACKIE SIT UP.

DONNA:

I bet she is. And I bet she's beautiful.

JACKIE:

(getting a little frantic) Steven, I wanna see our little boy.

KITTY COMES UP TO THE BED HOLDING THE BABY, WHO IS WRAPPED UP IN A BLANKET.

KITTY:

Here he is sweetie, see he's just fine.

JACKIE SMILES AND REACHES OUT TO TOUCH THE BABY'S FACE.

JACKIE:

(crying again) He's so tiny.

DR. FONTANA:

Jackie, you've got to stay with me here. You have to do this one more time. Can you push for me?

JACKIE:

(with a teary pout) Then can I hold him?

DR. FONTANA:

How about this, then you can hold them both.

JACKIE:

(nods) Ok.

JACKIE AGAIN BRACES HERSELF AND STARTS PUSHING.

DR. FONTANA:

Alright, let's do this again. Push Jackie. One, two, three ... well this one is in a hurry to come out.

DONNA:

You hear that Jackie? It's got to be a girl, she probably wants you to fix her hair.

JACKIE:

(yelling) Steven, it hurts!

HYDE:

I know, but you're almost done.

DR. FONTANA:

Don't give up, you're almost there ... here comes the head ... lots of curly hair.

JACKIE LETS OUT ONE FINAL CRY AND THEN FALLS BACK DOWN ONTO THE BED.

DR. FONTANA:

That's it! You did it, she's out!

A BABY STARTS CRYING AND JACKIE SITS BACK UP.

JACKIE:

She?

DR. FONTANA:

She.

SHE STARTS LAUGHING THROUGH HER TEARS AND STROKES HYDE'S CHEEK.

JACKIE:

It's a "she" Steven. One of each.

HYDE:

(totally stunned) One of each.

JACKIE TURNS BACK TO DR. FONTANA.

JACKIE:

(nervously) Is she ok?

DR. FONTANA:

Why don't you tell me?

HE HOLDS UP THE BABY GIRL FOR JACKIE AND HYDE TO SEE.

JACKIE:

(holding out her hands) Can I have her?

DR. FONTANA:

Hold on just a second, let us take a look at her.

JACKIE:

(yells) I just gave birth to two children, dammit! Somebody better give me one of them!

KITTY:

How about this little guy?

SHE WALKS UP TO JACKIE'S BED WITH THE BABY BOY IN HER ARMS. SHE GENTLY HANDS HIM TO JACKIE. JACKIE'S FACE LIGHTS UP AND HYDE LEANS IN TO LOOK AT THE BABY, HE LOOKS COMPLETELY OVER-WHELMED.

JACKIE:

(staring at the baby, in awe) Oh my God ... hi there. Look at him, Steven. How do you just love someone so much the instant you see them?

HYDE:

He's a pretty loveable looking guy.

JACKIE:

He is, isn't he. Look at his blue eyes. (she smiles at Hyde) He's got your eyes Steven.

THE BABY GIVES A LOUD CRY.

HYDE:

(with a smirk) And your fondness for screaming.

KITTY APPROACHES THEM WITH THE BABY GIRL

KITTY:

Here you go, Daddy.

HYDE:

(nervously) What? You want me to hold her?

KITTY:

(she smiles) Uh huh.

HYDE:

(stammering) I ... I've never held a baby before.

KITTY:

Well, this seems like the perfect time to start, doesn't it.

KITTY CAREFULLY HANDS HYDE HIS LITTLE GIRL. KITTY ADJUSTS HYDE'S ARMS, SO HE IS HOLDING HER CORRECTLY.

KITTY:

Now, make sure you support her head.

HYDE:

Why? Is it gonna come off?

KITTY:

(she rubs Hyde on the arm) You're doing just fine Steven. That's perfect.

HYDE:

(looking at his little girl) Man ... I am in _so_ much trouble.

HYDE TAKES A HOLD OF ONE OF HER TINY FINGERS

JACKIE:

(smiling at Hyde) Look at that, she's got you wrapped around her little finger already.

HYDE:

(he looks at Jackie) I wonder where she learned that from?

JACKIE GRINS AND ROLLS HER EYES AND HYDE GIVES THE BABY A KISS ON THE FOREHEAD.

ERIC:

(off-camera) Um ... sorry to interrupt, but we heard a couple of babies crying and we were kind of wondering if they were yours?

HYDE:

(calling out to Eric) Yeah, that'd be them.

LAURIE:

(off-camera) What are they?

HYDE:

A boy and a girl.

KELSO:

(off-camera) Alright! I won ten bucks!

HYDE JUST SHAKES HIS HEAD AND HE LEANS DOWN TO GIVE JACKIE A KISS.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 4

SCENE 1

INT. JACKIE'S HOSPITAL ROOM, A SHORT WHILE LATER. JACKIE AND HYDE ARE BOTH IN THE HOSPITAL BED. HYDE NOW HAS HIS REGULAR CLOTHES BACK ON. JACKIE IS HOLDING THE BABY GIRL WHO IS WRAPPED UP IN A PINK BLANKET WITH A PINK HAT ON AND HYDE HAS THE BABY BOY WHO HAS A BLUE BLANKET AND A BLUE HAT. BOTH JACKIE AND HYDE ARE STARING AT THE BABIES.

HYDE:

(with a smirk) So, lots of flirting, a few years of dating, two proposals, one wedding- with one really fun honeymoon, nine months, twenty-three hours of pain, and ... here we are.

JACKIE:

(in awe) Oh my God Steven, look at them. They are so tiny. And beautiful. They are _so_ beautiful.

HYDE:

Of course they are. Look at how hot _we_ are.

JACKIE:

(making a silly face at the baby girl) Hello Layla Beth. I'm your mommy.

HYDE:

(shakes his head, at Jackie) I can't believe you agreed to name her after two songs. Two _good_ songs. Not that crap you like.

JACKIE:

(looking at the baby boy) And _you_, little man. What are we gonna call you?

HYDE PAUSES FOR A FEW SECONDS, STARING AT HIS SON AND A GRIN CREEPS ACROSS HIS FACE.

HYDE:

Jagger.

JACKIE:

(looks at Hyde) Jagger? As in Mick?

HYDE:

(gives Jackie a nod) Yeah.

JACKIE:

(contemplating the name) Jagger. Jagger Hyde. Jagger and Layla.

HYDE:

Wow, they could start their own rock band.

JACKIE:

I love it. It's like some bad-ass movie star's name. (she gasps) He could be the next Marlon Brando.

HYDE:

(a little shocked) I can't believe you're going for this. (nodding towards her IV) I'm gonna see if I can get one of these little bags to-go.

JACKIE TURNS HER ATTENTION BACK TO THE BABIES, BUT HYDE KEEPS STARING AT JACKIE.

JACKIE:

Steven, they're ours.

HYDE:

(he nods) Damn right they are. Look how curly their hair is.

JACKIE:

(gazing at the babies like an excited little kid) This is like the best present ever.

HYDE SMIRKS AT JACKIE AND SUDDENLY, HE LOOKS INCREDIBLY SERIOUS.

HYDE:

Jackie ...

JACKIE:

(she looks up at Hyde) Hmm?

HYDE:

I love you.

JACKIE:

I love you too, Steven.

THEY LEAN INTO EACH OTHER AND KISS, TENDERLY. HYDE PULLS BACK AND SMILES AT JACKIE.

HYDE:

You are one tough chick.

JACKIE:

(with a little attitude) I have to be, to put up with you.

HYDE SHRUGS AND JACKIE LAYS HER HEAD DOWN ON HIS SHOULDER.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 4

SCENE 2

INT. THE HOSPITAL, OUTSIDE OF THE NURSERY, A SHORT WHILE LATER. RED, ERIC, DONNA, JOANNE, BOB, LAURIE, KELSO AND FEZ ARE LOOKING THROUGH THE GLASS AT ALL THE BABIES IN THE NURSERY.

BOB:

(starting to cry) Oh, they're so beautiful.

JOANNE:

Which ones, Bob?

BOB:

(he shrugs) All of 'em.

RED:

(scowling) Look at all these damn babies. Doesn't anyone in this town have any self control?

KELSO:

I wonder which kids are Jackie and Hyde's?

ERIC:

(with a grin) How about ... and this is just a guess ... (he points) those two with the dark, curly hair who are screaming so loud they're terrifying the rest of the babies.

LAURIE:

(smiles, sweetly) Oh my God, they are so adorable.

KELSO:

Yeah, usually newborns are all squished-up and wrinkly and they sort of have a cone-shaped head -but those two are actually cute.

DONNA:

(with a chuckle) Jackie probably gave them a make-over.

KITTY, STILL IN HER SCRUBS, ENTERS THE NURSERY HOLDING TWO INDEX CARDS. ONE PINK, ONE BLUE.

ERIC:

Hey, there's my mom.

KITTY STARTS MAKING SILLY BABY FACES AT THE GANG FROM INSIDE THE NURSERY. SHE LAUGHS AT HERSELF.

RED:

(rolling his eyes) Oh for God's sake.

KITTY HEADS TO THE TWINS' BASINETS AND STARTS TO INSERT THE CARDS INTO THE AVAILABLE SLOT.

FEZ:

(watching Kitty) What is she doing?

RED:

You mean besides making ridiculous faces?

ERIC:

I think those are their names. (leaning in closer to read the babies name cards) Layla Beth Hyde.

DONNA LEANS IN TO READ THE BABY BOY'S NAME.

DONNA:

Jagger Forman Hyde.

EVERYONE LOOKS AT EACH OTHER, LETTING THE NAMES SINK IN.

DONNA:(cont'd)

What the hell kind of drugs did they give Jackie?

KELSO:

(stunned) I don't know if I should squish their cute little baby cheeks or yell out some righteous tunes to them.

ERIC:

(quietly) Dad, Hyde gave his son our name.

RED:

(a small smile creeping in) Yeah ...

FEZ:

(starts singing) _"Beth I hear you callin'_

_But I can't come home right now_

_Me and the boys are playin' _

_And we just can't find the sound"_

EVERYONE STARES AT FEZ FOR A FEW SECONDS AND THEN KELSO JOINS IN THE FUN.

KELSO:

(singing) _"Layla, you got me on my knees_

_Layla, I beggin' darlin' please_

_Layla, darlin' won't you ease my worried mind" _

DONNA:

(shaking her head) You guys are total tools, you know that right?

ERIC SLIDES OVER TO JOIN KELSO AND FEZ. ERIC DOES HIS BEST, "MICK JAGGER" MOVES AND KELSO AND FEZ BEGIN PLAYING AIR GUITAR.

ERIC:

"_I met a gin-soaked bar room queen in Memphis,_

_She tried to take me upstairs for a ride_

_She had to heave me right across her shoulder_

_Cause I just can't seem to drink you off my mind."_

LAURIE AND DONNA LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SHRUG, THEY JOIN THE GUYS AS THEIR "BACK-UP SINGERS"

THE GANG:

(singing) _"It's the honky tonk women_

_Gimme, gimme, gimme the honky tonk blues"_

RED SHAKES HIS HEAD IN TOTAL DISGUST AS HE WATCHES THE KIDS.

RED:

Dumbasses. Every last one of them.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 4

SCENE 3

INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOMA SHORT WHILE LATER. DONNA AND ERIC ARE SNUGGLED UP ON TWO OF THE CHAIRS. THEY BOTH LOOK VERY TIRED, BUT CONTENT.

ERIC:

(pulling Donna in close to him) So, what'd you think?

DONNA:

About what?

ERIC:

Um ... about watching two babies pop out of your best friend.

DONNA:

(with a laugh) I think you should go out and buy the biggest box of condoms you can find.

ERIC:

Donna, you're on the pill.

DONNA:

(wide-eyed) I know, but we should have reinforcements. Cause I am _not_ ready to go through that.

ERIC:

Well how about we start with the wedding and just take it from there.

DONNA NODS IN AGREEMENT AND THEN SMILES AT ERIC.

DONNA:

Did I tell you how much I love my ring?

ERIC:

(raising an eyebrow) Better than the promise ring?

DONNA:

(laughs, softly) Yeah.

ERIC:

Better then the first engagement ring?

DONNA:

Yeah. (with a teasing grin) In fact, I love it even more than the man ring.

ERIC:

Wow. That says so much.

DONNA POKES HIM IN THE RIBS AND THEY KISS. ERIC PULLS AWAY AND GIVES DONNA A CHEESY SMILE.

ERIC:(cont'd)

You know ... there are a lot of empty beds around this place.

DONNA:

Yeah, but Fez and Laurie have done it in like, every single one of them.

ERIC:

(frowning) You're right, we'll just wait.

DONNA NODS HER HEAD IN AGREEMENT AND KISSES ERIC.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 4

SCENE 4

INT. JACKIE'S HOSPITAL ROOM, JACKIE IS RESTING IN THE BED AND HYDE IS STANDING UP HOLDING A BABY IN EACH ARM AS RED AND KITTY COME IN.

HYDE:

(smiling, proudly) Hey, check it out - I can hold 'em both at once. Good stuff huh?

KITTY AND RED COME UP ON EITHER SIDE OF HYDE AND STARE AT THE BABIES. KITTY COVERS HER HEART WITH HER HAND AND RED GRINS.

KITTY:

Oh Steven, they are just beautiful.

HYDE:

(to the babies) Hey guys, meet your Grandma Kitty and Grandpa Red.

KITTY AND RED LOOK STUNNED BY THE NAMES HYDE HAS GIVEN THEM.

KITTY:

Oh my goodness. Grandma Kitty. (she laughs softly) Well ... that is just wonderful.

RED DOESN'T SEEM TO KNOW WHAT TO SAY, SO HYDE STARTS TALKING.

HYDE:

Do you wanna hold them?

KITTY:

(with a nod) I sure do.

RED:

(trying to be grumpy) I call the one that cries less.

KITTY GENTLY GRABS JAGGER FROM HYDE AND HYDE HANDS LAYLA TO RED. BOTH RED AND KITTY STARE AT THE BABIES, WITH SMILES ON THEIR FACES.

KITTY:

(tentatively, to Hyde) You know Steven, since the babies are going to call me, "Grandma", (she pauses, unsure how to say it) maybe you should start calling me, "Mom".

HYDE JUST NODS AND SEEMS UNABLE TO SPEAK FOR A FEW SECONDS.

HYDE:

I could do that. (he shrugs) I mean, we don't wanna confuse the kids, right?

KITTY:

(with a firm nod) Absolutely.(she starts to cry) I'm so proud of you Steven.

HYDE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY, SO HE SHIFTS NERVOUSLY.

HYDE:

(quietly) Thanks ... Mom.

KITTY GOES BACK TO FUSSING OVER JAGGER AND THEN LOOKS AT RED.

KITTY:

Red, you're awfully quiet.

RED:

(giving Layla a small smile) I forgot how tiny they are.

THE THREE OF THEM STARE AT THE BABIES, IN SILENCE, UNTIL A POUTY JACKIE SPEAKS UP.

JACKIE:

_Hello!_ I'm here too.

KITTY:

(quickly heading over to Jackie) Oh sweetheart, we're sorry. How are you feeling?

JACKIE:

(with a frown) Well, a little lonely to be honest with you. I mean, it's like I used to be three people and now I'm just one person again, you know?

RED AND KITTY LOOK A LITTLE CONFUSED AND HYDE JUST SHRUGS.

HYDE:

She's had a lot of drugs.

KITTY:

Well, could you stand to see a few visitors?

FEZ:

(off-camera, yelling through the door) Please let us in! We cannot wait any more.

KELSO:

(off-camera) We brought presents.

ERIC:

(off-camera) And champagne.

HYDE:

Come on in!

THE DOOR OPENS AND DONNA, ERIC, KELSO, FEZ, LAURIE, BOB, JOANNE AND W.B. COME STREAMING IN. LAURIE MARCHES IMMEDIATELY TOWARDS RED.

LAURIE:

Gimme one of those babies.

DONNA:

Me too!

FEZ:

(shoving Donna aside) No way Jose, you already got to hold them it's Uncle Fez's turn.

AS RED HANDS LAYLA TO LAURIE AND KITTY HANDS JAGGER TO FEZ, W.B. HEADS OVER TO JACKIE'S BED TO SHAKE HYDE'S HAND.

HYDE:

W.B., you made it.

W.B.:

I wouldn't miss it! A boy _and_ a girl. That takes talent son.

HYDE:

(with a nod) Yep. I rock.

W.B. LEANS DOWN AND GIVES JACKIE A KISS.

KITTY:

All the nurses just love your dad, Steven. He keeps handing out money.

W.B.:

(he shrugs) Some people give out cigars, I prefer money.

KELSO:

Yeah ... all the nurses love me too. But for different reasons, if you know what I mean.

DONNA:

(with her hands on her hips) Kelso, one of them thought you had escaped from the mental ward.

KELSO:

(bratty) That's cause she thought I was crazy hot, _Donna._

BOB FLIPS THE TV ON.

BOB:

Hey, it's time to watch Dick Clark. I love that little guy.

JOANNE:

(with a nod) It's not New Year's without watching a bunch of drunk people in New York.

RED:

(looking around the room) We've got a couple of drunk bastards here in Wisconsin that he can have too.

LAURIE:

(with a ditzy smile) Jackie, I'm gonna give Layla back to you so I can make out with Fez at midnight.

LAURIE GENTLY HANDS LAYLA BACK TO JACKIE.

FEZ:

Hey, why wait for midnight?

FEZ, STILL HOLDING JAGGER, GIVES LAURIE A SLEAZY STARE.

HYDE:

Fez, I swear to god if you start groping Laurie while you're holding my son I'm gonna kick your ass.

HYDE TAKES JAGGER BACK FROM FEZ AND HE REJOINS JACKIE AND LAYLA AT JACKIE'S BED.

KITTY:

(to Hyde) Now, that would be another good New Year's resolution. Steven, you really should stop beating people up.

HYDE:

(shakes his head) No can do. It's part of my charm.

JACKIE:

It's true.

ERIC:

(watching TV) Alright, here we go. Say goodbye to the seventies.

EVERYBODY TURNS THEIR ATTENTION TO THE TV AS THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS.

ERIC, FEZ, BOB AND KITTY:

(excitedly) Ten ... nine ...

ERIC LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM WHEN HE NOTICES NOT EVERYONE IS COUNTING.

ERIC:

Oh come on, aren't you guys gonna count?

DONNA:

(trying not to laugh at Eric) That's ok, we'll just do it in our heads.

ERIC, FEZ, BOB AND KITTY:

Six ... five ... (they keep counting over the dialogue)

JACKIE:

(smiling at Hyde) Steven?

HYDE:

Yeah?

JACKIE:

Happy New Year, baby.

HYDE LEANS DOWN TO JACKIE AND THEY START KISSING.

KELSO:

(pointing at Hyde and Jackie) No fair, they didn't wait til midnight!

ERIC, FEZ, BOB AND KITTY:

Two ... one ...

ERIC:

(throwing his hand up in the air) _Happy New Year, Wisconsin!_

THE SONG, _"AULD LANG SYNE" _CAN BE HEARD COMING FROM THE TV. JACKIE AND HYDE CONTINUE KISSING, ERIC KISSES DONNA, FEZ KISSES LAURIE, BOB KISSES JOANNE, AND RED KISSES KITTY. W.B HEADS OVER TO JACKIE AND HYDE AND GIVES EACH OF THE BABIES A KISS. WHEN RED AND KITTY BREAK APART, KELSO STEPS IN.

KELSO:

(with a stupid smile) Me next!

KITTY GIVES KELSO A KISS ON THE CHEEK.

KELSO:

What? That's it? A little peck on the cheek? It's _New Year's._

RED:

(frowning at Kelso) How would you like to be the first one to get a foot in the ass this year?

KELSO POUTS AND THE PARTYING CONTINUES.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 4

SCENE 5

INT. JACKIE'S HOSPITAL ROOM, EARLY MORNING, JANUARY 1, 1980. JACKIE IS ASLEEP IN THE BED AND JAGGER SLEEPS IN A BASINET NEXT TO HER. HYDE IS SITTING IN THE ROCKING CHAIR HOLDING LAYLA. _"DOG AND BUTTERFLY" _BY HEART PLAYS, SOFTLY, ON THE RADIO IN THE BACKGROUND. HYDE STARES AT LAYLA AND TALKS QUIETLY, AND A LITTLE AWKWARDLY, TO HER.

HYDE:

So ... Layla ... I'm Hyde. Well, actually it's Steven but, whatever. You can just call me Dad. (he pauses, unsure what to say next) I'm gonna be straight with you, I have no idea what I'm doing. So, I'm probably gonna screw up a lot. But I promise you ... I'm gonna try my best. (he smiles) Look at how beautiful you are. You look just like your mom. (he pauses for a few seconds and then gets a wicked grin) Alright Layla, what should we do? Your mom's asleep, your brother's asleep. You wanna talk about music or the government?

LAYLA STARTS TO CRY.

HYDE:(cont'd)

Yeah, that's pretty much how I feel about the government too.

LAYLA KEEPS CRYING AND IT'S GETTING LOUDER.

HYDE:(cont'd)

(a little awkwardly) Ok, um I'm not sure what I supposed to do here so ... how about this?

HYDE SHIFTS LAYLA UP TO HIS SHOULDER AND STARTS RUBBING HER BACK. SHE SLOWLY SETTLES DOWN AND STOPS CRYING. HYDE LOOKS STUNNED AND HE NODS, PROUDLY.

HYDE:(cont'd)

Wow. That was cool.

HYDE ROCKS LAYLA AND GENTLY RUBS HER BACK.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY. 3 AM ON JANUARY 1. KELSO, FEZ, LAURIE AND ERIC ARE STANDING IN THE SNOW-COVERED DRIVEWAY. KELSO IS HOLDING ONTO A ROMAN CANDLE AND SOME MATCHES. HE HAS A HUGE GRIN.

DONNA:

(skeptically) Kelso, are you sure this is a good idea? You haven't slept in like, two days.

ERIC:

Yeah, and you've had, a _truckload_ of booze.

KELSO:

(excitedly) Eric, it's the booze that's giving me the courage to do sweet stuff like this. Alright Fez, you should probably back up. (he pauses and then laughs) No wait, stand right there. I've always wanted to see what happens when one of these hits somebody.

KELSO RUNS DOWN THE DRIVEWAY AND OFF-CAMERA. EVERYBODY WATCHES, NERVOUSLY, KNOWING WHAT'S COMING.

KESLO:

(yells spastically, off-camera) Ok, everybody ready? Let's start 1980 out with a _BANG_, man.

A HUGE EXPLOSION. AND THEN SILENCE.

KELSO:

(off-camera) Guys, I think we need to go back to the hospital.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

Up Next ...

"It's So Easy"

Jackie and Hyde bring their babies home only to realize, they have no idea what to do with them.

**A/N A special thanks to luvcali76 who cast her vote in the name debate. You're the best!**


	26. It's So Easy

"It's So Easy"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Linda Ronstadt.

I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disaster was Season 8. This would be episode 8-19.

Thanks to everyone who is reading and reviewing! You guys are awesome!

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. JACKIE'S HOSPITAL ROOM, ONE WEEK INTO 1980, MORNING. JACKIE, STILL WEARING A HOSPITAL GOWN AND HER PINK ROBE IS GETTING JAGGER DRESSED AS HE LAYS IN HIS BASINET. HYDE, HOLDING LAYLA, IS STANDING NEARBY. THE ROOM IS NOW FILLED WITH BALLOONS, FLOWERS AND STUFFED ANIMALS.

JACKIE:

(baby-talk to Jagger) You are just the cutest, wittle man. Yes, you are.

HYDE WATCHES JACKIE WITH MILD ANNOYANCE.

HYDE:

Don't talk to him like that. You're gonna make him girly.

JACKIE:

(giving Hyde a teasing poke in the ribs) Oh be quiet, or I'll talk to _you_ like that.

HYDE:

(looking around the room) Look at all this crap we've gotta take home.

JACKIE:

Steven, it's not crap. They're gifts. Speaking of which, how come you didn't get me anything?

HYDE:

What are you talking about? (he points to the twins) I gave you them, isn't that enough?

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes) You drive me crazy.

HYDE:

(with a cocky smile) Yes, I do.

HYDE PULLS JACKIE TO HIM AND THEY KISS AS DR. FONTANA WALKS IN.

DR. FONTANA:

(with a grin) Uh-oh, looks like you're going to be repeat clients.

HYDE:

Yeah, give us about a year and we'll be back.

JACKIE:

(whining) Dr. Fontana, can we go home now?

DR. FONTANA:

What's the matter, Jackie? Tired of the hospital?

HYDE:

(with a nod) She doesn't care for the color scheme.

DR. FONTANA PICKS UP JACKIE'S CHART AND STARTS FLIPPING THROUGH IT, READING.

DR. FONTANA:

Well, I just talked with Dr. Glass and he said he's ready to discharge the twins and everything with you looks good so ... yes, my dear, you can go home.

JACKIE:

(claps, excitedly) Yay! (taking off her robe) I'm gonna burn this robe I'm so sick of wearing it.

HYDE:

(he grins at Jackie) Hey, you should give it to Kelso. If you want something to really burn - let Kelso do it.

DR. FONTANA:

(to Jackie) Now, I'm going to give you a prescription for some ibuprofen for any pain and you have to come back and see me in one week. Oh and remember, (pointing at both of them) there's no hanky-panky for five more weeks.

HYDE AND JACKIE BOTH STARE AT DR. FONTANA, LIKE THEY DON'T QUITE UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY'RE HEARING.

HYDE:

Excuse me?

JACKIE:

Come again?

DR. FONTANA:

(with a smile and a shrug) Sorry, kids. Doctor's orders.

HYDE:

Can we get a second opinion?

DR. FONTANA:

You could, but it'll be the same opinion.

HYDE:

(to Jackie) You didn't tell me about this.

JACKIE:

That's cause I didn't know about this.

HYDE:

(getting a little worked-up) How could you not have known about this, you read like - a hundred baby books.

JACKIE:

(with a dismissive wave) Yeah, but I skipped the parts about sex cause I figured ... well ... we know everything about that.

ONE OF THE BABIES STARTS CRYING.

HYDE:

(to Dr. Fontana) See, they don't think this is a good idea either.

DR. FONTANA:

Don't worry, you two are going to be so busy and so tired you won't even notice.

HYDE:

(raises his eyebrow) Wanna bet?

DR. FONTANA:

Just use this time to get to know your babies, and each other.

JACKIE:

(with a pout) I already know him, I just wanna make out with him.

HYDE CHUCKLES, QUIETLY, AT JACKIE AS SHE CONTINUES TO POUT.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

NEW SHOTS FOR THEME SONG

SHOT 1

ERIC DRIVING, DONNA NEXT TO HIM, HYDE NEXT TO HER, WITH JACKIE ON HIS LAP. IN THE BACK SEAT: LAURIE BEHIND HYDE, FEZ NEXT TO HER AND KELSO NEXT TO HIM.

"_Hangin' out"_

SHOT 2

RED DRIVING, KITTY NEXT TO HIM. IN THE BACKSEAT: BOB IN THE MIDDLE WITH HIS ARMS AROUND ERIC AND DONNA.

"_Down the street"_

SHOT 3

HYDE DRIVING, ERIC NEXT TO HIM, THEN FEZ. IN THE BACKSEAT: JACKIE BEHIND HYDE, THEN DONNA, THEN LAURIE.

"_The same old thing"_

SHOT 4

RED DRIVING WITH HIS ARM AROUND KITTY. IN THE BACKSEAT: BOB WITH HIS ARM AROUND JOANNE.

"_We did last week"_

SHOT 5

FEZ DRIVING, HYDE NEXT TO HIM, THEN KELSO. IN THE BACKSEAT; DONNA BEHIND FEZ, ERIC NEXT TO HER, THEN JACKIE.

"_Not a thing to do"_

SHOT 6

RED DRIVING AND LOOKING VERY CRANKY, A FLUSTERED-LOOKING KITTY NEXT TO HIM, SHOTZIE SITS IN BETWEEN THEM. IN THE BACKSEAT: ERIC, LAURIE AND HYDE, FIGHTING WITH EACH OTHER.

"_But talk to you"_

SHOT 7

HYDE DRIVING WITH HIS ARM AROUND JACKIE. IN THE BACKSEAT: JAGGER AND LAYLA ARE IN THEIR INFANT SEATS.

"_We're all alright"_

SHOT 8

ERIC DRIVING, DONNA NEXT TO HIM, HYDE NEXT TO HER, WITH JACKIE IN HIS LAP. IN THE BACKSEAT: LAURIE BEHIND HYDE, FEZ NEXT TO HER, AND KELSO NEXT TO HIM.

"_We're all alright"_

SHOT 9

THE LICENSE PLATE, WHICH NOW HAS AN "80" STICKER ON IT. EXCEPT, THE "80" IS CROOKED AND YOU CAN SEE THE NUMBER, "7" POKING OUT UNDERNEATH IT.

"_Hello, Wisconsin!"_

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, LATER THAT MORNING. RED IS AT THE TABLE EATING BREAKFAST AND KITTY IS SETTING OUT SOME DRINKS AND SINGING ALONG TO THE SONG, _"HERE YOU COME AGAIN" _BY DOLLY PARTON.

KITTY:

(singing) _"Here you come again_

_Looking better than a body has a right to"_

KITTY RUBS THE TOP OF RED'S HEAD AND THEN KISSES HIM ON THE CHEEK. RED GRINS AT HER.

RED:

Well, you're in a good mood.

KITTY:

That's because (in a sing-song voice) my grandbabies are coming h-ome.

RED:

(rolling his eyes) Oh, Lord ...

KITTY:

(giving Red a playful poke) You're not fooling me, mister. I know you are just as excited as I am to have the babies home from the hospital.

RED:

I don't get excited. Except for the day that Eric moves out. I might break into song that day.

ERIC ENTERS FROM THE LIVING ROOM AND HEADS TOWARDS THE TABLE.

RED:(cont'd)

(grins at Eric) Ah, speak of the dumbass.

ERIC:

(with a sarcastic smile) Good morning to you too, starshine.

ERIC SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE AND RED GLARES AT HIM.

RED:

When are you moving out?

ERIC:

Can I have my breakfast first?

KITTY GIVES ERIC A PLATE AND THEN SHE TOO, SITS DOWN TO EAT.

KITTY:

Eric, Steven just called and he and Jackie and the babies are coming home today. So, after you finish breakfast I want you to go over to their house and shovel their sidewalks and driveway for them.

ERIC:

(whiny) What? Why?

KITTY:

Because, I do not want Jackie slipping and dropping those precious babies in a snow bank.

RED:

(smiling at Eric) And also because we just like to make you do stuff.

LAURIE AND FEZ ENTER HOLDING HANDS. LAURIE IS HOLDING A BAG WITH PRESENTS POKING OUT OF IT.

LAURIE:

Hi Mommy! Hi Daddy!

THEY TAKE THEIR COATS OFF AND HANG THEM UP.

RED:

(smiles at Laurie) Morning, Kitten. (scowls at Fez) Morning, Sitting Bull.

FEZ:

(excitedly) Ooh, a new name. Happy day!

LAURIE:

Are the babies here yet?

KITTY:

Not yet, Steven said they should be home by one o'clock.

LAURIE:

(with a big, ditzy smile) Good, cause we have some more presents for them.

KITTY:

Ooh, that reminds me. (she pats Red on the arm) Red, I left some gifts for the babies in the trunk. Would you mind getting them?

ERIC:

(pouting) Man, that's like the millionth gift you gotten for the twins.

LAURIE:

(wickedly) Sorry, little brother. (she gives Eric a taunting smile) Looks like you just moved to number five on Mom and Dad's list of who they love the most.

ERIC:

(glaring at Laurie) Oh, shut up, Laurie. (a beat and then he turns to Kitty) Wait, I didn't drop to number five, did I?

KITTY:

(quickly smiles) Eat your pancakes, sweetie.

ERIC POUTS WHILE LAURIE SMILES, TRIUMPHANTLY AND PULLS FEZ WITH HER TO THE BASEMENT DOOR.

LAURIE:

Ok, well, my work is done. We'll be downstairs. (she stares, lustfully at Fez) You know, just hanging out.

FEZ:

(with a perverse smile) Yay, I love to "hang out" with my wife.

RED:

(points at Fez) You. Remember, I'm always watching you. Even when you think I'm not watching you, I'm still watching you.

FEZ NODS, NERVOUSLY, AT RED AND HE AND LAURIE HEAD DOWNSTAIRSERIC, LOOKING VERY PERTURBED TURNS TO KITTY.

ERIC:

Ok, number two - I can handle. Three - sucks, but I can deal with it. But, five?_ That's just cruel._

RED ROLLS HIS EYES AND GOES BACK TO HIS BREAKFAST.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, A FEW HOURS LATER. FEZ, WITH HIS ARM AROUND LAURIE, AND DONNA ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH. KELSO IS IN THE LAWN CHAIR AND ERIC IS IN HYDE'S CHAIR. _"SULTANS OF SWING" _BY DIRE STRAITS PLAYS ON THE STEREO IN THE BACKGROUND.

DONNA:

(with a far-away, contemplative look) I wonder if Jackie and Hyde will be different.

ERIC:

(with mock seriousness) You mean, now that they've spread their evil seed.

DONNA:

Like, are they gonna start talking about diapers and breastfeeding?

ERIC:

(frowning at the thought) God, I hope not. I do _not_ wanna have that mental image haunting me. (He pauses and then throws his arms up in the air) Oh great. Too late.

KELSO:

(with a big, dopey smile) Hey you guys, you know what we should do? When Jackie and Hyde aren't looking, we should switch the twins' clothes so Jagger's wearing pink and Layla's wearing blue. (he laughs at his own joke) They'll have no clue which one is the girl and which one is the boy.

ERIC:

(staring at Kelso) Until they change their diapers.

KELSO:

(he shrugs) Yeah, but then they've gotta change a stinky diaper so either way, we win.

HYDE OPENS THE BASEMENT DOOR AND PEEKS HIS HEAD IN.

HYDE:

Alright, put away any and all firecrackers, sharp objects and illegal things 'cause I'm bringin' my kids in here.

LAURIE:

(claps excitedly) Yay!

KELSO:

(pouting) Nobody ever claps when I come in the room.

LAURIE:

(with an evil smile, to Kelso) Sometimes we clap when you leave.

FEZ:

(gazing at Laurie) Oh, what a delicious burn.

JACKIE AND HYDE ENTER. JACKIE, WITH A DIAPER BAG SLUNG OVER HER SHOULDER, IS CARRYING JAGGER AND HYDE IS CARRYING LAYLA. DONNA IMMEDIATELY HOPS OFF THE COUCH AND HEADS TOWARDS THE BABIES.

DONNA:

(holding out her arms) Gimme one of those.

LAURIE ALSO GETS UP AND HEADS OVER TO HYDE AND JACKIE.

LAURIE:

Me too!

JACKIE, LOOKING VERY CRANKY, HOLDS OUT A HAND TO STOP LAURIE AND DONNA.

JACKIE:

Hold on! Nobody gets to hold them until after I feed them. (very irritated) I'm gonna explode. Literally.

JACKIE TAKES LAYLA FROM HYDE AND HEADS OFF TOWARDS HYDE'S OLD ROOM. EVERYBODY WATCHES HER GO.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

(yelling as she walks away) And Michael, if you try and sneak a peak at my boobs you better hope Steven gets to you before I do!

THE DOOR TO HYDE'S OLD ROOM SLAMS SHUT AND EVERYBODY LOOKS AT ONE ANOTHER, NERVOUSLY.

ERIC:

(with a smile) Wow. An awkward moment that I didn't create. I'd be excited if I weren't so uncomfortable.

HYDE STARES AT ERIC. AND ERIC JUST CAN'T SEEM TO STOP HIMSELF FROM TALKING SOME MORE.

ERIC:(cont'd)

(nervously rambling) See, 'cause, right before you guys got here, Donna was like, "I wonder if they'll start talking about breastfeeding?" And I was like, "God, I hope not." 'Cause the mental image of Jackie breastfeeding is one that I totally didn't wanna think of. And then, I thought of it, and it was awful. And now, it's kind of all I can think about, cause she's doing it in the next room.

EVERYONE IS STARING AT ERIC WITH THEIR MOUTHS WIDE OPEN, LIKE THEY CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S SAYING WHAT HE IS.

ERIC:(cont'd)

(with a sarcastic smile) Oh good. An awkward moment that I _did_ create. (he pumps his fist, weakly) Yay.

HYDE LOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO KICK ERIC'S ASS AND ERIC JUST SMILES, MEEKLY.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, THAT AFTERNOON. RED IS IN HIS CHAIR. KITTY, BURPING JAGGER, IS ON THE COUCH. JACKIE, TRYING TO BURP LAYLA, SITS NEXT TO HER AND HYDE IS NEXT TO JACKIE.

KITTY:

(fussing with the hat on Jagger's head) Now, make sure you keep their hats on. Babies lose heat through their heads, you know.

RED:

Steven, make sure you turn up your thermostat. You've got that drafty old house and plus you've always got so many damn tee shirts on you never know if it's cold or not.

HYDE:

(with a nod) Hats. Thermostat. Got it.

JACKIE:

(giving Kitty a frustrated pout) I can't get her to burp. What if her little stomach blows up?

KITTY:

Here sweetie, give her to me. Steven, you burp this little man.

KITTY HANDS JAGGER OVER TO HYDE AND TAKES LAYLA FROM JACKIE. HYDE LOOKS A LITTLE UNSURE OF WHAT TO DO.

HYDE:

Ok. Um ... how do I do that again?

RED:

Just pat him on the back. (pointing at Hyde) But not too hard. You don't want him turning out like Kelso.

HYDE JUST BARELY PATS JAGGER ON THE BACK.

RED:(cont'd)

(scowling at Hyde) Well do it harder than that for God's sake. You don't want him to be Eric either.

HYDE BEGINS TO BURP JAGGER AND THEN JACKIE GLANCES AT HYDE'S SHOULDER.

JACKIE:

(wrinkling up her nose, in disgust) Oh Steven, he just spit up all over you. (with a shrug) Oh well, it's not like you were wearing anything nice.

KITTY GRABS A BURP CLOTH OFF OF HER SHOULDER AND HANDS IT TO HYDE.

KITTY:

You should always throw a towel over your shoulder before you burp them.

HYDE:

(cleaning himself up) Yeah, I realize that now.

KITTY:

(to Jackie and Hyde) So, what are you four going to do today?

HYDE:

Well, I had a plan, but the doctor kind of killed it. So ... my back-up plan is, hang out in the basement.

KITTY:

(with a frown) The basement? (shaking her head) Oh no, no, no. You can't bring my precious little grandchildren down into that basement. It's drafty and dusty, and ... and it has a really strange smell.

JACKIE TURNS TO HYDE AND RAISES AN EYEBROW, ACCUSINGLY, AT HIM. HE JUST GRINS.

KITTY:(cont'd)

Steven, the basement is no place for children.

HYDE:

I've spent most of my life in that basement.

RED:

Yeah, (he gives Hyde a phony smile) funny how it didn't have that weird smell until you showed up.

KITTY GETS UP OFF THE COUCH AND HANDS LAYLA TO RED.

KITTY:

You just sit tight up here and I am going to make all of us a wonderful dinner.

JACKIE:

(smiling at Kitty) Thanks, Mrs. Forman. I just don't have the energy to cook.

KITTY:

(patting Jackie on the arm) Of course you don't, sweetie. I know exactly how you feel. You feel like a milk truck, right?

JACKIE:

(with a pout and a sad nod) A little, yeah.

HYDE AND RED BOTH SCOWL AT THE TURN IN THE CONVERSATION AND STAND UP.

HYDE:

That's it. We're goin' to the basement.

RED:

I'm going anywhere but here.

HYDE AND RED, WITH THE BABIES, START TO LEAVE AND KITTY STOPS THEM.

KITTY:

No. No basement. Why don't you just stick to your original plan, Steven.

HYDE:

(with a wicked grin) I'd like too. But, I've been told by Dr. Sexy that my original plan needs to wait five more weeks.

KITTY FROWNS AND MOVES ASIDE TO LET HYDE PASS HER.

KITTY:

Oh fine, just go to the basement.

HYDE HEADS PAST KITTY INTO THE KITCHEN AND JACKIE HANGS HER HEAD IN EMBARRASSMENT.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, THAT EVENING. RED, KITTY, ERIC AND HYDE ARE GATHERED AROUND THE TABLE AND THERE IS FOOD EVERYWHERE, BUT NO ONE IS EATING.

ERIC:

(very whiny) Can we please eat? I'm starving.

HE REACHES FOR SOME FOOD AND KITTY SLAPS HIS HAND.

RED:

Kitty, a slap on the hand teaches the boy nothing. If you really want to show him who's boss he needs a foot up the ass.

KITTY:

(gives Red a disapproving frown) Alright, let's save the a-s-s comments until after dinner. We are waiting for Jackie do be done breastfeeding the twins.

RED:

Now why is it that I can't say, "ass" at the dinner table but you can talk about breastfeeding.

JACKIE ENTERS FROM THE LIVING ROOM CARRYING BOTH OF THE BABIES AND LOOKING FLUSTERED. HYDE STANDS UP AND TAKES JAGGER FROM JACKIE, THEN HE SITS BACK DOWN.

JACKIE:

(quickly) I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just, Jagger wouldn't stop eating and then Layla started screaming because she didn't want to wait any more and then I thought a fight was going to break out. If I don't figure out how to feed them both at the same time they're either going to kill each other or I'm gonna spend the next year behind closed doors because I'll be feeding them twenty-four hours a day.

JACKIE AND LAYLA SIT DOWN.

KITTY:

Didn't they show you how to nurse them both at the same time in the hospital?

JACKIE:

(with a sad nod) They did, but I'm just not doing it right. They keep hitting each other. (a beat) And biting.

THE GUYS ALL LOOK EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE.

HYDE:

Talking about a foot in the ass is better than talking about this.

ERIC:

_Getting_ a foot in the ass would be better than this.

RED:

(pointing at Eric and Hyde) You two - shut it. Everybody just start eating and no more talking.

IMMEDIATELY, JAGGER STARTS TO CRY

ERIC:

(with a smile) Uh-oh, Dad. Looks like Jagger's being a smart-ass.

HYDE:

(looking at Jagger) What's the matter with him?

JACKIE:

(a little overwhelmed) I don't know, maybe he needs to be changed.

HYDE:

I'll do it.

HYDE GETS UP AND STARTS TO HEAD TOWARDS THE LIVING ROOM WHEN LAYLA STARTS TO CRY TOO.

HYDE:

What's the matter with _her_?

JACKIE:

(with a sigh) I don't know, but if she wants to eat again tell her I'm on my dinner break.

HYDE:

(heads over to Jackie) Here, give her to me. I'll change her too.

JACKIE:

Both of them at the same time? Are you sure?

HYDE:

Sure, why the hell not. I can do two things at once.

JACKIE STANDS UP AND HANDS LAYLA TO HYDE.

JACKIE:

(with her hand on her heart) Oh Steven, you are just the sweetest thing.

KITTY:

(nodding, proudly) You really are, Steven.

ERIC:

(grinning) You're a man among men, Hyde.

HYDE:

(to Eric) Bite me.

HYDE EXITS AND JACKIE SITS BACK DOWN. EVERYONE STARTS LOADING FOOD ONTO THEIR PLATES.

KITTY:

Jackie, you are so lucky to have a helpful husband. Red would never change Eric and Laurie's diapers.

RED:

(grins) Instead, I mowed the lawn. Those kids stopped wearing diapers eighteen years ago, but I'm still mowing the lawn. Really, when you think about it, you got the better deal, Kitty.

A VERY SHEEPISH LOOKING HYDE POKES HIS HEAD THROUGH THE LIVING ROOM DOOR.

HYDE:

Yeah, um ... turns out, I can't change them both at the same time. (he grins, weakly, at Kitty) Sorry about the carpet, Mom.

JACKIE AND KITTY GET UP FROM THE TABLE AND HEAD INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

RED:

(throwing down his napkin in irritation) I'm going out for pizza.

ERIC:

Hold up, I'm comin' with you.

RED AND ERIC GRAB THEIR COATS AND HEAD OUTSIDE.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S KITCHEN, A SHORT WHILE LATER. THEY ARE GIVING THE BABIES A BATH. EACH OF THE BABIES IS IN THEIR OWN TINY, PLASTIC TUB. BOTH JACKIE AND HYDE LOOK A LITTLE NERVOUS TO BE BATHING THE BABIES.

JACKIE:

(with disgust) Eww ... gross.

HYDE:

What?

JACKIE:

(pulling something out of the tub) Her belly button thingy just fell off.

HYDE:

Yeah, well I just got peed on.

JACKIE:

(looking back and forth between the two babies) Ok, do they look clean?

HYDE:

Well they smell a hell of a lot better, so that's a plus.

JACKIE:

(sitting Layla up in the water) Alright, now we just have to lift them out and set them on the towels.

HYDE:

(pauses for a few seconds and then shakes his head) I can't.

JACKIE:

Why not?

HYDE:

'Cause he's all slippery, what if I drop him?

JACKIE:

(nervously) Oh great, now I'm worried about dropping Layla.

HYDE AND JACKIE JUST SIT AND STARE AT THE BABIES FOR A FEW SECONDS.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

Steven, they can't sit in here all night, they'll catch pneumonia. We've gotta take them out.

HYDE:

Ok, just hold on tight and don't drop her.

JACKIE:

(yells at Hyde) You're making me nervous!

VERY SLOWLY, THEY LIFT THE BABIES OUT AND THEN GO TO SET THEM DOWN WHEN THEY REALIZE, THEY DON'T HAVE ANY TOWELS.

HYDE:

(to Jackie) Where are the towels?

JACKIE:

I thought you brought them.

HYDE:

(irritated) Why would I bring them?

JACKIE:

Because, _I_ didn't.

HYDE:

(sighs, in exasperation) Fine, look, you just hold him and I'll run upstairs and get the towels.

HYDE HANDS JAGGER TO JACKIE. JACKIE LOOKS LIKE SHE MIGHT CRY.

JACKIE:

I can't hold onto _two_ slippery babies.

HYDE:

(trying not to laugh at Jackie) I'll be right back.

JACKIE:

(in a warning tone) Don't get distracted by whatever's on the TV as you walk by.

HYDE:

(smirking over his shoulder as he goes) I'm not making any promises.

JACKIE:

(irritated) You're not funny.

HYDE:

Sure I am.

HYDE HEADS OUT. JACKIE STANDS THERE WITH BOTH BABIES. SUDDENLY, SHE SQUISHES UP HER FACE AND LOOKS DOWN AT THE TWINS.

JACKIE:

Oh great. Now _I _just got peed on. (she looks around the room) Huh. We probably could've used some of the towels in here.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, LATE THAT NIGHT. KELSO IS SITTING IN HYDE'S CHAIR, FEZ, LAURIE AND DONNA ARE ON THE COUCH. ERIC IC SITTING ON THE LAWN CHAIR. THEY'RE ALL PLAYING CARDS. _"YOU'RE ALL I'VE GOT TONIGHT" _BY THE CARS PLAYS ON THE STEREO.

FEZ:

(sighing, sadly) I miss Hyde.

DONNA:

I miss Jackie.

KELSO:

I miss Hyde's stash.

ERIC:

You guys we don't need them. You've got me. (doing his "Hyde") Hey, do you guys know there's this car that runs on water. (doing his "Jackie") Oh Steven, you are the sexiest man alive. Let's do it on the hood of your car and then you can beat up Eric, Fez _and_ Kelso while I shake my ass to Andy Gibb.

KELSO:

(spastically throwing his cards down on the table) Great, thanks a lot, Eric. Now I miss Jackie's ass.

LAURIE:

(giving Kelso a dirty look) I miss Hyde beating _your _ass.

KELSO:

I don't.

ERIC:

I don't either. Sometimes Hyde hits really hard.

FEZ:

(with a nod) Yes. He is a very angry person. He needs to work through some of his issues. I think being a father is going to help him grow emotionally.

LAURIE:

(smiling at Fez) Fez watches a lot of Donahue.

KELSO:

(very matter-of-factly) Fez is a girl.

FEZ:

(indignantly) Well, if I am I'm a prettier girl than you.

KELSO:

Oh please, I would totally be a hotter chick than you.

DONNA:

(shaking her head at Fez and Kelso) See, this is why we need Hyde around. He ends conversations like these with a fist to the face.

ERIC NODS IN AGREEMENT AND THEY GO BACK TO THEIR GAME.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S BEDROOM., THAT NIGHT. THE ROOM IS DARK AND HYDE IS LAYING IN BED WITH HIS SHIRT OFF AND HIS EYES CLOSED. THERE ARE TWO BASINETS NEXT TO JACKIE AND HYDE'S BED. JACKIE, IN A NIGHTGOWN, IS STANDING OVER THE BASINETS, PEEKING IN. SHE CLIMBS INTO THE BED WITH HYDE AND SNUGGLES UP ON HIS CHEST.

JACKIE:

(quietly) I can't believe they're finally asleep. That wasn't so bad.

HYDE:

(with his eyes closed) I hate those diapers. I poked myself with the safety pin so many freakin' times I may never get the feeling back in my fingers.

JACKIE:

(with a sly smile) Oh, my poor baby. (she starts running her fingers up and down Hyde's chest) What can I do to make you feel better?

JACKIE LEANS DOWN AND STARTS KISSING HYDE ON THE NECK. HE FINALLY OPENS HIS EYES.

HYDE:

(with a grin) Well, that's a good start. (suddenly, his expression changes and he scowls) Wait a minute.

HYDE SITS UP AND PULLS AWAY FROM JACKIE.

HYDE:(cont'd)

You just roll over and go to sleep. Don't start something you can't finish. That's just cruel.

HYDE LAYS BACK DOWN ON THE BED AND JACKIE FLOPS DOWN NEXT TO HIM. THEY BOTH CLOSE THEIR EYES.

JACKIE:

It's so nice to be home and to be alone with the babies.

HYDE:

(sleepily) Mmm ... wait. What?

HYDE ROLLS OVER TO LOOK AT JACKIE.

JACKIE:

(with a smile) I said, it's nice to be alone.

HYDE:

(a little nervous) Nice to be alone?

JACKIE:

We're alone.

HYDE:

(starting to look a little panicked) We're alone.

JACKIE SITS UP, ANNOYED WITH HYDE.

JACKIE:

Stop repeating everything I say.

HYDE:

(stunned, as realization sets in) Holy crap, we're alone with the babies. Are those doctors nuts? They sent us home with _two_ kids. And now we're supposed to raise them.

JACKIE:

Well, we're sure as hell not giving them back. It took me twenty-three hours to get them out.

HYDE:

(siting up in bed) What are we supposed to do with them?

JACKIE:

(getting a little irritated) What do you mean, "what are we supposed to do with them"? They're sleeping.

HYDE:

So, what about when they wake up?

JACKIE:

We feed them, we change them ... these are not complicated things, Steven.

HYDE:

What if tomorrow, you wanna go to the store, so we go to the store and then we realize, holy crap, we forgot the kids at home.

JACKIE:

(slowly) Well ... I don't know, I hadn't thought that far ahead.

HYDE:

(getting a little freaked out) Well you better think ahead, cause one day we're gonna wake up and they'll be sixteen and one of Kelso's illegitimate, moronic, off-spring will show up wanting to take Layla out on a date and then I'll have to kill him and I'll go to jail and you'll be left alone with two sixteen year-olds.

JACKIE:

(with a sad pout) I don't wanna be alone. I wanna be with you.

HYDE:

Then what the hell are we supposed to do?

CUT TO THE DOORWAY OF THE FORMAN HOUSE. RED AND KITTY ARE STANDING IN THE OPEN DOORWAY, IN THEIR PAJAMAS, STARING AT HYDE AND JACKIE, ALSO IN THEIR PAJAMAS AND COATS, HOLDING THE BABIES WHO ARE ALL BUNDLED UP IN BLANKETS.

RED:

(extremely irritated) It's one o'clock in the damn morning.

HYDE LOOKS EXTREMELY SHEEPISH AND JACKIE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S ABOUT TO BURST INTO TEARS.

JACKIE:

I don't want Steven to go to jail for killing Michael's horny kid.

RED AND KITTY STARE AT JACKIE AND HYDE IN COMPLETE CONFUSION.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, A SHORT WHILE LATER. JACKIE, HOLDING JAGGER, IS SITTING AT THE TABLE AND KITTY IS POURING THEM BOTH A CUP OF TEA.

KITTY:

Feel better now?

JACKIE:

(nods, sadly) A little. You promise I won't forget them somewhere?

KITTY:

(in a reassuring tone) Jackie, you are not going to forget them in the grocery cart.

JACKIE:

But what if I do?

KITTY:

You won't.

JACKIE:

(quickly) Ok, but what happens when Layla wants to know where babies come from? Cause I asked my mom that and all she did was buy my a copy of, Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret. And that book left a lot of stuff out. (looks a little guilty) Which ... Steven was sweet enough to fill me in on.

KITTY:

Jackie, try not to worry so much.

JACKIE:

(suddenly, very serious) It's just ... I don't want anything to happen to them. And the world is a scary place and ... and what happens when they get sick, or when one of them gets their heart broken.

KITTY:

Jackie -

JACKIE:

(interrupting) Oh my God, or what if one of them cries and I feed them, and I change them and I burp them and they still cry?

KITTY:

Jackie -

JACKIE:

(not listening to Kitty) I guess I could sing, but I think my singing is making Layla angry.

KITTY:

(a little louder) Ok, Jackie. (Jackie stares at Kitty, sadly) How about a glass of wine?

JACKIE:

No, that's alright.

KITTY:

(she smiles) Well, I'm going to have one.

KITTY GRABS A BOTTLE OF WINE FROM THE FRIDGE AND POURS HERSELF A GLASS. JACKIE STARES, SADLY INTO THE DISTANCE AS KITTY SITS DOWN NEXT TO HER AND PATS HER HAND.

KITTY:(cont'd)

(smiles, sweetly) Now, sweetie, there is going to come a time when they cry, and you won't be able to soothe them. And there is going to come a time when they get their heart broken or they get hurt. But, you give them a hug, and you tell them you love them and then you say a little prayer.

JACKIE:

(with a small smile) I can do that.

KITTY:

(nodding) Of course you can.

JACKIE AND KITTY SIT IN SILENCE FOR A FEW SECONDS AND THEN JACKIE TURNS TO KITTY.

JACKIE:

Oh, and we're switching to those disposable diapers, because the safety pins are making Steven crabby.

KITTY:

(with a big smile) There, you see what a wonderful world we live in - someone invented disposable diapers.

JACKIE NODS AND KITTY STARTS MAKING SILLY FACES AT JAGGER.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 5

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM. THE SAME TIME. RED IS ON HIS CHAIR AND HYDE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH HOLDING LAYLA, WHO IS SLEEPING.

RED:

So. You got home and you realized you were screwed.

HYDE:

(with a nod) Pretty much.

RED:

(matter-of-factly) Well, (a beat) now you know.

HYDE:

(with an angry look in his eye) Someday, somebody's gonna wanna date my little girl.

RED:

Yep.

HYDE:

And, at the same time, Jagger's gonna turn into a smart-mouthed, know-it-all, who's only mission is finding a girl and pissing me off.

RED:

(clearly enjoying Hyde's misery) Yep.

HYDE:

(looking at Red, Hyde nods) I gotta tell ya, Red. Why you are the way you are makes a lot more sense to me now.

RED:

(with a grin) Yep.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 6

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, THE NEXT MORNING. FEZ, KELSO AND LAURIE ARE GATHERED AROUND THE OPEN DEEP FREEZE, RIFFLING THROUGH IT. DONNA IS PUTTING ON A RECORD AND ERIC IS IN HYDE'S CHAIR. FEZ GRABS A POPSICLE OUT OF THE COOLER AND HOLDS IT UP FOR KELSO TO SEE.

FEZ:

Orange?

KELSO:

(shaking his head) Nope.

FEZ:

(holding up another popsicle) Grape?

KELSO:

Nope.

FEZ:

(holds up another) Cherry?

KELSO:

Nope.

ERIC:

(exasperated) Oh for the love of God, when will Hyde be here to kick your ass.

KELSO:

I'm sorry, Eric, but I've got a craving for root beer and nothing else is gonna cut it.

LAURIE:

(holds up a popsicle and smiles) How about lime?

KELSO:

(thinks for a minute and then shrugs) That'll do.

HYDE AND JACKIE ENTER, LOOKING COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED. HYDE IS CARRYING LAYLA AND JACKIE IS CARRYING A DIAPER BAG AND JAGGER.

HYDE:

Hey.

FEZ:

(very excited) Oh, thank God you are back.

FEZ RUSHES TO HYDE TO HUG HIM. HYDE LOOKS REALLY ANNOYED.

HYDE:

(pushing Fez away) What the hell are you doin', man?

FEZ:

Hugging you.

HYDE:

Nice try. Here, take a baby instead.

HYDE HANDS LAYLA TO FEZ AND THEN HE FLOPS DOWN ON THE COUCH. LAURIE CROSSES TO JACKIE AND TAKES JAGGER. JACKIE JOINS HYDE ON THE COUCH, SHE LAYS HER HEAD DOWN ON HIS SHOULDER AND CLOSES HER EYES.

ERIC:

(to Hyde and Jackie) You know, we actually missed you guys last night.

DONNA CROSSES OVER TO THE DEEP FREEZE TO PLAY WITH THE BABIES IN FEZ AND LAURIE'S ARMS.

DONNA:

(over her shoulder, to Hyde) Yeah, Fez and Kelso really could've used an ass-kicking.

HYDE:

Well, I'll give it to 'em now if you want.

KELSO:

(nervously) That's ok. We'll pass.

HYDE:

Alright, but in the future, when an ass-kicking is needed - Donna's your man. (he points to Donna)

KELSO:

(gives Donna a sleazy smile) You can beat me any day of the week and twice on Tuesdays, Big D.

KELSO WINKS AT DONNA AND SHE PUNCHES HIM IN THE STOMACH.

KELSO:(cont'd)

(laughing) _Oh yeah!_ Just like that!

LAURIE:

(frowning at Jackie and Hyde) Boy, you guys look like hell.

JACKIE:

(cranky) It was a long night.

HYDE:

And not in a good way. In a, "the babies stayed up all night crying" sort of way.

DONNA:

(grins at Jackie and Hyde) Serves you right. Do you know how many sleepless nights I had because of you listening to you two sucking face?

ERIC:

(to Hyde) You never told me you spent the night with Jackie when she lived with Donna.

FEZ:

(gleefully) I knew.

DONNA:

(rolling her eyes at Fez) Yeah, because you were hiding in the closet.

JACKIE:

(half-asleep) Guess what you guys, we went to the super market today and we didn't forget to bring them with us _or_ leave them in the grocery cart.

HYDE:

(nodding) We're pretty proud of ourselves.

HYDE PUTS HIS ARM AROUND JACKIE AND CLOSES HIS EYES.

KELSO:

(with a dopey grin) One time, my brothers left me in a grocery cart. But, it was ok cause they forgot the food too so I just hung out eatin' some Twinkies for a couple of hours until they realized I was missing.

ERIC:

(nods in agreement) My parents left me at a rest stop once. They were half way to Illinois before they realized I wasn't in the car.

DONNA:

(trying not to laugh) Oh my God, Eric. That's so sad.

ERIC:

(shrugs, nonchalantly) Not really, it was better than being in the car with Laurie.

LAURIE:

(gazing at the babies) Look at their big, blue eyes. They are so sweet. It kind of makes me wanna have a baby.

ERIC:

(stares at Laurie, horrified) You can't do that to the world, Laurie. I'm begging you. I'll pay for Fez's vasectomy right now if it'll help.

FEZ:

Ah, Eric. (shaking his head) So naive. Even a vasectomy would not stop my strong sea men.

DONNA:

(wrinkling up her face, in disgust) Ok, can we talk about Jackie's breastfeeding instead of this.

DONNA TURNS TO LOOK AT HYDE AND JACKIE AND THEY ARE BOTH ASLEEP.

DONNA:(cont'd)

Jackie?

ERIC:

I think they're asleep.

KELSO:

(quietly) Awesome! Let's draw mustaches on the babies.

DONNA FROGGS KELSO.

KELSO:

(with a pout) Damn, Donna! What was that for?

DONNA:

Remember what Hyde said, I'm in charge of the beatings now.

ERIC:

(melodramatically) It's a sad state of affairs when Hyde's too tired to give a really meaningful ass-whooping.

DONNA:

Why don't we head upstairs and let them sleep.

ERIC:

(shrugs) I'm pretty comfy right here.

DONNA:

I'll make pudding.

ERIC:

(standing up) Upstairs it is.

ERIC, DONNA, FEZ AND LAURIE START UP THE STAIRS. KELSO STAYS BEHIND AND GRABS A PIECE OF PAPER AND A PEN OFF OF THE TABLE. HE STARTS WRITING.

ERIC:(cont'd)

Kelso, what the hell are you doing?

KELSO:

(with a giggle) I'm messin' with them.

DONNA AND ERIC SNEAK BACK DOWN THE STAIRS TO READ WHAT KELSO IS WRITING.

DONNA:

(reading over Kelso's shoulder) "Dear Mommy and Daddy, You forgot us at the super market. Love, Your Kids"

ERIC:

(with a nod) Oh yeah. They'll buy that.

THE GANG QUIETLY HEADS UPSTAIRS WITH JAGGER AND LAYLA. LEAVING HYDE AND JACKIE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT. HYDE, HOLDING JAGGER ON HIS SHOULDER, IS SITTING ON HIS CHAIR WATCHING TV AND HAVING A BEER. KELSO AND ERIC ARE PLAYING WITH THE ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOTS AND SITTING ON THE COUCH. SUDDENLY, ERIC STOPS PLAYING AND STARTS SNIFFING THE AIR. HE GETS A HORRIFIED EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE.

ERIC:

What smells like rotten milk?

HYDE:

That'd be me.

KELSO:

(with a dopey laugh) You forgot to put a towel on your shoulder didn't you.

HYDE:

(with a nod) Yep.

HYDE GOES BACK TO HIS BEER AND ERIC ONCE AGAIN STARTS SNIFFING THE AIR. HE LOOKS NAUSEATED.

ERIC:

Good God, what smells like ... death?

HYDE:

(pointing to Jagger) That'd be him.

ERIC:

I never thought I'd long for the smell of rotten milk to cover up the smell of death.

HYDE:

(with a sigh) I'll be back.

HYDE SETS HIS BEER DOWN AND STANDS UP. HE GRABS A BAG ON THE FLOOR NEAR HIS CHAIR AND HEADS TOWARDS HIS OLD ROOM.

ERIC:

(with a taunting smile) Hyde, is that a diaper bag?

HYDE:

(irritated, over his shoulder) Get bent.

ERIC AND KELSO GET A GOOD LAUGH AT HYDE AS HE HEADS OFF.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"Carry On Wayward Son"

Hyde debates his place in the circle while Eric contemplates moving out.


	27. Carry On Wayward Son

"Carry On Wayward Son"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Kansas.

I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disaster that was Season 8. This would be episode 8-20.

A very big thank you to those of you who are reviewing. I really appreciate it !

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, EVENING. JACKIE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH. SHE HAS A BLANKET DRAPED OVER HER SHOULDER, COVERING UP HER CHEST AND YOU CAN SEE A PAIR OF TINY FEET POKING OUT FROM UNDERNEATH THE BLANKET. DONNA IS ALSO ON THE COUCH. SHE'S HOLDING LAYLA ON HER LAP AND PLAYING WITH HER. ERIC AND HYDE WALK IN FROM OUTSIDE, THEY ARE COVERED IN SNOW AND HYDE IS CARRYING A BUNCH OF ALBUMS.

DONNA:

(giving the guys a teasing grin) There they are. Our brave boys returning home from another hard day of playing with toys and listening to records.

ERIC AND HYDE SHAKE OFF THE SNOW AND HANG UP THEIR COATS.

HYDE:

(to Donna) As opposed to you, who spent her day _playing_ records.

HYDE SMIRKS AND TAKES LAYLA FROM DONNA.

JACKIE:

(with a pout) God, you guys make me sick. I have the hardest job here. And I don't even get paid.

ERIC:

Yeah. Irony's a bitch, huh.

ERIC HEADS TO THE LAWN CHAIR AND SITS DOWN. HYDE, HOLDING THE STACK OF RECORDS IN ONE ARM AND LAYLA IN THE OTHER, CROSSES BEHIND THE COUCH TOWARDS HIS CHAIR, HE GIVES JACKIE A KISS AS HE PASSES HER.

JACKIE:

How was work, Steven?

HYDE:

(scowling) Terrible. The music of 1980 officially sucks. (to Jackie) So, I brought some of it home for you 'cause I know how much you like music that sucks.

JACKIE:

(smiling at Hyde) Aww ... thank you, baby.

HYDE GIVES JACKIE A SMIRK AND A NOD AND SITS IN HIS CHAIR WITH LAYLA. DONNA GETS UP AND GRABS THE RECORDS FROM HYDE. SHE HEADS TO THE STEREO TO PUT ONE ON.

ERIC:

(looking around the room) Where's the little man?

JACKIE:

(nodding down towards the little feet in her lap) Whose feet do you think these are, moron?

ERIC:

(suddenly very uncomfortable) Whoa, Jackie, you're not breastfeeding under there are you?

JACKIE:

I finally realized that if I left the room every time I had to nurse, you guys would never see me again.

ERIC:

Ok, and who decided that was a bad thing?

DONNA:

(over her shoulder, to Eric) Get over it, Eric. You can't see anything.

ERIC:

(nervously) Yeah, but I can sense it.

JACKIE SEEMS TO BE FROZEN AS SHE LISTENS TO THE MUSIC. THE SONG, _"GUILTY"_ BY BARBARA STREISAND AND BARRY GIBB PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

JACKIE:

(with a huge smile) Oh my God, is this who I think it is?

HYDE:

(in total disgust) Yep. The Bee Gees made an album with Barbara Streisand.

ERIC:

(melodramatically) That's horrifying. It's like the Joker joining forces with Darth Vader. The universe will fall into chaos.

DONNA:

(nods in agreement) I think this is one of the signs of the end of the world.

HYDE:

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's in the bible. Fire, floods and this album.

JACKIE:

(sarcastically) Ha ha. You guys are hilarious.

DONNA GETS A MISCHIEVOUS LOOK ON HER FACE AS SHE SITS BACK DOWN ON THE COUCH.

DONNA:

You know, Hyde, it's a good thing you can keep your sense of humor,(with a taunting grin) considering the inner torment you've been suffering these past few weeks.

HYDE:

What the hell does that mean?

ERIC:

(with mock sympathy) Oh yeah, how's that no sex thing going for you, buddy?

HYDE:

(irritated) Jackie? You told her?

JACKIE:

(with a shrug) I tell Donna everything. It's who I am.

ERIC:

(a little nervously, to Donna) Wait, does that mean you tell Jackie everything?

JACKIE:

(to Eric) Yes, it does. And stop trying that thing in bed cause she's never gonna do it.

KITTY HEADS DOWN FROM THE LIVING ROOM.

KITTY:

(calling as she walks down the stairs) Eric?

ERIC:

Yeah?

KITTY REACHES THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS AND STOPS TO TALK TO ERIC.

KITTY:

(with a smile) Put your coat back on and head outside your father wants you to salt the driveway.

ERIC:

(whiny) What? Can't it wait until later?

KITTY:

By later do you mean when the temperature drops even more and our driveway turns into a skating rink.

ERIC:

(nodding) That's _exactly_ what I mean.

KITTY:

(with a sigh) Oh, honey. Just do it now and get it over with. You'll save us all from having to see the vein throbbing in your dad's head while he yells at you.

KITTY HEADS BACK UPSTAIRS.

DONNA:

You should do what she says, Eric. That vein in Red's head is super gross.

ERIC:

(sighing, in defeat) Fine, (he points at Donna) but when you and I have our own place I'm done salting the driveway.

DONNA:

Who's gonna do it? Me? (shaking her head) I don't think so, pal.

ERIC:

(stammering) Oh sure, when you want equal pay you're a feminist. But when it comes to salting the driveway your some helpless little flower like ... like Jackie.

JACKIE:

(with her hand on her heart, touched) I think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me, Eric.

ERIC GETS UP OUT OF HIS CHAIR AND GRABS HIS JACKET THEN HE STARTS TO HEAD UPSTAIRS. HYDE CALLS AFTER HIM.

HYDE:

(with a wicked grin) Hey, Forman, have fun doing your chores. Don't forget to collect your allowance when you're done.

ERIC TURNS BACK TO HYDE AND SMILES.

ERIC:

Yeah well, at least when I'm done with my chores I get to go have sex.

DONNA:

(gives Hyde a teasing smile) Ouch.

ERIC HEADS BACK TO THE COUCH TO STAND BEHIND JACKIE. HE CROSSES HIS ARMS AND SMILES DOWN AT HER.

ERIC:

You know, there are ways around the "no sex" rule. Certain things ... one in particular that I know _I'm_ fond of ... that a girl can do for her fella.

JACKIE:

(with attitude) Not this girl.

DONNA:

(with a laugh) _Double ouch._

HYDE LOOKS VERY IRRITATED, WHILE ERIC AND DONNA GET A GOOD LAUGH AT HIS EXPENSE.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY, LATER THAT NIGHT. ERIC IS SCOOPING SALT OUT OF A WHEELBARROW WITH A LARGE SHOVEL. HE LOOKS VERY ANNOYED AS HE JAMS HIS SHOVEL INTO THE PILE OF SALT AND GRABS A BEER OUT OF A NEARBY SNOWBANK. AS HE TAKES A BIG SWIG HYDE STROLLS UP THE DRIVEWAY.

HYDE:

(grinning) How's the salt coming?

ERIC:

Sucks. I had to crack open a cold one to parch my dry, over-worked throat.

HYDE GLANCES DOWN AT THE SNOWBANK FULL OF BEER CANS AND SHRUGS.

HYDE:

Well, no sense in you drinking alone.

ERIC:

(nods) That would be sad.

HYDE GRABS A BEER OUT OF THE SNOWBANK, CRACKS IT OPEN AND TAKES A BIG DRINK.

HYDE:

(with a satisfied grin) Nice to know snow's good for somethin'.

ERIC:

What are you doing out here? Where's Jackie?

HYDE:

Asleep. Which is where I should be.

ERIC:

(looking at his watch, in confusion) It's seven o'clock.

HYDE:

(pointing at Eric, in irritation) Hey, you try getting three hours of sleep a night. I'm so frickin' tired I might just pass out in this snowbank.

ERIC:

(with a smile) Wouldn't be the first time.

HYDE:

Or the last.

ERIC LOOKS AROUND, NERVOUSLY, AND SUDDENLY GETS VERY SERIOUS.

ERIC:

Hey, what are you doing tomorrow?

HYDE:

(shrugs) Changing diapers, getting spit up on, not having sex. You know, the usual Friday night stuff. Why?

ERIC:

You wanna come with me to look at a house?

HYDE:

(gives Eric a taunting pat on the back) Forman, I know we're close and all, but I don't really like you in that way.

ERIC:

(nodding) Good one. (with sarcastic excitement) Hey, maybe you _should_ sleep in the snowbank. I mean, it'll save time on all those cold showers you've been taking.

HYDE:

You been working on that one long?

ERIC:

(he shrugs) That was spontaneous, believe it or not. (suddenly serious again) Look, man, the house is for Donna and I. But, she doesn't exactly know about it yet. (a little more quietly) And neither do Red and Mom. Cause I'm afraid when I tell Red he's gonna be so excited he might have a heart attack and Mom's gonna start her hysterics. And I just can't handle a dead father and a flipped out mother on the same night.

HYDE:

I hear ya. I like to avoid pissing Jackie off _and_ making her sad at the same time 'cause that can get ugly real fast.

RED APPEARS FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE AND STANDS ON THE PORCH HE LOOKS AT THE DRIVEWAY WITH A DISAPPROVING GLARE.

RED:

(scowling at Eric) Well, I guess you don't care if your mother or your sister fall and break their legs on the ice pond that used to be our driveway.

ERIC:

(smiling) Mom - yes. Laurie - no.

RED:

Keep it up, smart-ass, and I'll send you up on the roof to shovel that four foot tall snow drift.

RED EXITS BACK INTO THE HOUSE.

ERIC:

(matter-of-factly) Man, I've gotta move. If Red sends me up on the roof I'm a goner.

HYDE NODS IN AGREEMENT AND TAKES ANOTHER DRINK OF HIS BEER AS ERIC GETS BACK TO WORK.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. GROOVES, THE NEXT DAY. HYDE IS BEHIND THE COUNTER SITTING ON A STOOL AND DOING SOME PAPERWORK. HIS FORMER CO-WORKER FROM THE CORPORATE OFFICE, DENNIS, IS NOW HYDE'S EMPLOYEE. DENNIS IS SORTING THROUGH BOXES OF RECORDS. ERIC COMES OVER FROM THE FORCE HOLDING A POSTER IN HIS HANDS. MITCH IS FOLLOWING BEHIND HIM. THEY HEAD OVER TO HYDE'S COUNTER AND THEY BOTH LOOK A LITTLE DISTRAUGHT. THERE ARE A FEW CUSTOMERS IN THE STORE. _"SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GONE" _BY RAINBOW PLAYS OVER THE SPEAKERS IN THE BACKGROUND. DENNIS HEADS OVER TO HYDE WITH A STACK OF RECORDS.

DENNIS:

(to Hyde) Ok, boss. I unpacked the new shipment. Do you want me to put these out on the floor?

HYDE GRABS THE RECORDS AND BEGINS FLIPPING THROUGH THEM.

HYDE:

(very cranky) Look at all this crap. Olivia Newton-John, Christopher Cross, Diana Ross - it's like the gods of good music took 1980 off and left Jackie in charge til they get back.

ERIC:

(with a frown) You think that's bad, you should see what came in _our_ shipment today.

ERIC UNWRAPS THE POSTER HE'S BEEN HOLDING AND REVEALS IT'S A POSTER FOR "THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK" IN WHICH HAN SOLO HAS PRINCESS LEIA IN A DRAMATIC EMBRACE, THEIR FACES INCHES APART.

ERIC:(cont'd)

(glaring at Mitch) Mitch has spent the entire day crying.

MITCH:

(his voice cracks as he points at Eric) Hey, we both cried.

HYDE HANDS THE RECORDS BACK TO DENNIS.

HYDE:

Dennis, man, just put these records in my office in the box labeled, "give to Jackie when I get in trouble"

DENNIS:

(quickly) I'm on it, boss.

DENNIS SCURRIES OFF TO HYDE'S OFFICE AND ERIC WATCHES HIM GO.

ERIC:

(with a grin) Isn't it nice having a minion. (he turns to Mitch and grins, evilly) Speaking of which, Mitch - go kick people out of the magazine room so we can have a circle in there.

MITCH:

(rolling his eyes) Fine. But I'm not calling you boss like, (he points towards Dennis) Captain Kiss-Ass over there.

MITCH EXITS INTO THE FORCE AS FEZ AND KELSO WANDER INTO GROOVES. KELSO IS IN HIS UNIFORM.

KELSO:

(with a big, dopey grin) Did somebody say, "circle"?

HYDE:

(to Kelso) What the hell, man? Do you have dog ears or something?

FEZ:

Dog ears? Are you crazy, Kelso's ears are perfect. Not too big, not too small. And one on each side of his head. Beautiful. (he smiles, admiringly at Kelso)

THE SONG ENDS AND DONNA'S VOICE CAN BE HEARD ON THE SPEAKERS.

DONNA:

(voice only on the radio) Alright guys, Hot Donna here. That was Rainbow with a rockin' tune. This next song goes out to my good friends, Mr. And Mrs. Steven Hyde. Only three more weeks to go, guys.

THE SONG, "_FEEL LIKE MAKIN' LOVE" _BY BAD COMPANY PLAYS ON THE RADIO. ERIC. KELSO AND FEZ BURST OUT LAUGHING AND HYDE LOOKS INCREDIBLY PISSED.

KELSO:

That is an awesome burn! Donna rules!

ERIC:

(taunting) Wow, six weeks without sex. Hyde, you're like Fez, before Laurie of course.

FEZ:

(smiling at the guys) That's right. Now I do it more than all of you suckers.

HYDE:

(extremely annoyed) How is it that everyone knows about me and Jackie's sex life. I think we're all starting to get a little too close.

KELSO:

(grinning) Everybody except you and Jackie. (with a big smile he points at Hyde) _BURN_!

ERIC:

Alright, Hyde. I've got just the thing for you. (he smiles) It's round, like a circle, and it's smoky, like a circle.

HYDE HESITATES FOR A MINUTE AND THEN GETS UP AND HEADS OUT TO PUT AWAY SOME RECORDS.

HYDE:

(trying to ignore the guys) Nah, you guys go ahead. I've got a lot of work to do.

FEZ, KELSO AND ERIC LOOK A LITTLE STUNNED AND VERY CONFUSED.

FEZ:

(panicking) Oh my God, what has happened to you? Have you caught amnesia?

KELSO:

Fez, don't be a moron, you can't _catch_ amnesia. (a beat) You're born with it.

ERIC:

(gives Hyde a shrug) Alright, your choice. Oh hey, would you mind watching my store too? I've gotta calm Mitch down with a little circle time or this is gonna be a hellish day.

HYDE:

(going Zen) Whatever.

ERIC, KELSO AND FEZ HEAD INTO THE FORCE AND HYDE GETS BACK TO WORK. DENNIS COMES OUT OF THE OFFICE AND CROSSES TO HYDE.

DENNIS:

(awkwardly) You look troubled, Hyde. Is there something I can do to help?

HYDE:

Can you fast forward time to three weeks from now?

DENNIS:

(nervously) No.

HYDE:

(cranky as hell) Then get back to sorting through crappy records.

DENNIS QUICKLY GETS BACK TO WORK AND HYDE CONTINUES SILENTLY FUMING.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. ERIC'S MAGAZINE ROOM, IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING.

THE CIRCLE

"_SAILING" _BY CHRISTOPHER CROSS PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

ERIC:

(looking troubled) Oh man, Hyde was right. This music sucks. It makes me wanna harm myself.

CUT TO KELSO

KELSO:

(angrily, to Eric) No, it makes me wanna harm you for puttin' it on. I think my ears are actually starting to bleed, man.

CUT TO FEZ WHO IS SWAYING TO THE MUSIC

FEZ:

What's the matter with you two? I'm digging it. It makes me wish we had a disco ball in here. (smiling, perversely) Although the mirrors on the ceiling help. (he sighs, dreamily) They remind me of Laurie.

CUT TO MITCH

MITCH:

(staring at Fez, with disgust) Dude, we use our mirrors to catch shoplifters. Nobody wants to know what you use your mirrors for.

CUT TO FEZ

FEZ:

(glaring at Mitch) Oh I think you know what they are for you son-of-a-bitch.

CUT TO MITCH

MITCH:

(like he's about to cry) Don't test me today, Fez. It's been a crappy day. And I know crappy days, 'cause they're pretty much all I have.

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

(to Mitch) Wow, I can't believe I'm actually gonna try and help you, but, you've gotta block out the bad thoughts ... and breathe in the good. (very mellow) Breathe in deep. So deep you forget the horrifying image of Han holding Leia in his arms. (he frowns) Oh great. Now I've gotta sit here for another twenty minutes til I forget again.

CUT TO KELSO WHOSE EYES ARE DARTING BACK AND FORTH.

KELSO:

(extremely paranoid) Guys, can music make you crazy? 'Cause I think this song is makin' me crazy. (he pauses and frowns) No. I'm sure of it. I'm going crazy.

CUT TO FEZ

FEZ:

(very nervous) Oh no. Someone get his gun.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, THAT NIGHT. RED, KITTY, BOB, JOANNE AND JACKIE ARE GATHERED AROUND THE TABLE FOR DINNER. JAGGER AND LAYLA ARE ASLEEP IN THEIR SWINGS UP AGAINST THE WALL. EVERYONE SITS IN SILENCE AND JACKIE IS SLEEPING ON THE TABLE, HER FACE ALMOST IN HER FOOD. JOANNE AND KITTY ARE EATING BUT BOB AND RED ARE STARING AT JACKIE. RED LOOKS ANNOYED AND BOB LOOKS CONCERNED.

RED:

(frowning) Kitty, I can't eat dinner with Jackie asleep on the table.

KITTY:

Why not? It's certainly quieter than when she's awake.

JOANNE:

(shaking her head, sadly) Poor thing. Can you imagine all the things she has to do twice.

KITTY:

(nodding in agreement) Yesterday, she and Steven changed twenty-five diapers. That's a lot of tushie. (she laughs, quietly)

BOB:

(staring at Jackie) I think somebody should wake her up.

RED:

(shaking his head) We'll wait til Steven gets here for that. Let him fall on that sword.

BOB:

I don't think we should wait. I'm a little worried she's gonna suffocate in her mashed potatoes.

KITTY SMILES, NERVOUSLY, AND PULLS JACKIE'S PLATE AWAY FROM HER FACE. DINNER RESUMES.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 6

INT. THE VISTA CRUISER, THAT NIGHT.ERIC IS DRIVING AND HYDE IS RIDING SHOTGUN._ "WILL IT GO ROUND IN CIRCLES" _BY BILLY PRESTON PLAYS ON THE RADIO.

HYDE:

(looking out the window) So, where's this house?

ERIC:

(with a big smile) Wherever Donna and I want it to be, man.

HYDE:

(turns to look at Eric and frowns) Oh crap. You're not getting another trailer are you?

ERIC:

(shaking his head) No. This house will be firmly planted into the ground.

HYDE:

Good call.

ERIC:

(hesitating, slightly) I was kinda hoping to get a lot over in that new housing development.

HYDE:

Oh yean, what's it called again?

ERIC:

The Timbers. (with a grin) Which is an interesting name considering they bulldozed all the trees to make room for the houses.

HYDE:

So, you're gonna build your own house. It's not gonna be like, spaceship-shaped or something like that is it?

ERIC:

No. Why? (he pauses, thinking) Wait, do you think they'd build a spaceship-shaped house?

HYDE:

(annoyed) That's it, let me out of the car.

ERIC:

I'm kidding, man. (shaking his head at Hyde) You need a circle, buddy. You're getting grouchy.

HYDE:

Yeah, about that ... I've been thinking about the circle. (he pauses and takes a deep breath) And I think maybe I've had enough circles in my life.

ERIC:

(turns to Hyde, in total shock) What? No. (talking very fast) You can't give up on the circle. The circle needs you, it can't survive with out you. (gesturing, spastically, with his hands) Without you the circle's just us sitting in a smoky room. You bring the glamour to the circle, man. Besides, if you quit the circle where are Jagger and Layla gonna steal their stuff from when they grow up?

HYDE RAISES HIS EYEBROW AND ERIC NODS AS REALIZATION SLOWLY SINKS IN.

ERIC:(cont'd)

Oh, I see, you're trying to _avoid_ that. Yeah. That's probably a good choice. (he shrugs) But hey, we turned out ok. Right?

HYDE:

_I_ did. (with a smirk) You're a little queer.

ERIC:

(he smiles) But in a _good_ _way_. (suddenly very sincere) Do what you've gotta do, man.

HYDE:

(pauses and then gives Eric a nod) Thanks, Forman.

THEY RIDE IN SILENCE FOR A FEW SECONDS UNTIL ERIC BREAKS INTO A SMILE.

ERIC:

Besides, you can still hang out with us in the circle without actually _participating_ in the circle.

HYDE:

That's kind of like me getting to sleep with Jackie without actually getting to sleep with her.

ERIC:

Wow. You're having a rough day.

ERIC LUNGES TOWARDS HYDE, WHILE STILL KEEPING ONE HAND ON THE WHEEL.

ERIC:(cont'd)

Let me hug you, man.

HYDE:

(trying to push Eric away) Get off me!

ERIC:

(trying to get an arm around Hyde) Come on! You know it warms your orphan soul to be hugged by me!

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, THE NEXT MORNING. DONNA IS AT THE STEREO PUTTING SOME MUSIC ON. ERIC IS AT THE DEEPFREEZE GETTING A POP. KELSO, LAURIE AND FEZ ARE ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV.

KELSO:

(smiling, excitedly) I love Mr. Rogers, man. He's like the nicest dude, ever.

ERIC:

(nodding at the TV) I would love to get that man in a circle. I bet he'd have some awesome things to say.

JACKIE AND HYDE WALK DOWN THE STAIRS FROM THE LIVING ROOM, THEY BOTH LOOK TOTALLY EXHAUSTED. EVERYBODY TURNS TO WATCH THEM AS THEY ENTER THE BASEMENT.

FEZ:

(with a teasing smile) Good morning, my horny, sleepy friends.

LAURIE:

Where are the babies?

HYDE:

(flatly) We traded them in for eight hours of continuous sleep.

KELSO:

(grinning as he looks at Fez and Laurie) Sometimes I wish I could trade Laurie and Fez in for a dog.

HYDE SITS DOWN ON HIS CHAIR AND PULLS JACKIE DOWN ONTO HIS LAP.

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes at Hyde) We did not trade them in. They're upstairs with Mrs. Forman.(scolding Hyde) Steven, don't say things like that.

HYDE:

Jackie, I'm lucky I can actually form sentences right now. I'm so frickin' tired and (he raises an eyebrow at her) ... otherwise distracted ... I don't know my ass from my elbow.

DONNA:

(with a laugh) Then I guess it's a good thing you guys can't do it, cause that could definitely cause some awkwardness in the bedroom.

JACKIE STICKS HER TONGUE OUT AT DONNA AND ERIC CROSSES OVER TO THE COUCH.

ERIC:

(to Hyde and Jackie) We have a surprise for you guys.

FEZ AND KELSO STAND UP ON THE COUCH AND REACH OVER THE BACKSIDE OF IT. FEZ HOLDS UP A BAG AND KELSO BRINGS UP A LARGE BOX.

FEZ:

(proudly handing the bag to Jackie) Candy!

KELSO:

(with a dopey smile) And Playboys.

KELSO SETS THE BOX DOWN ON THE COFFEE TABLE.

HYDE:

(confused) Candy?

FEZ:

(nods and smiles) Yes, the chewing eases the tension. And the Playboys ... well, I think the Playboys are self-explanatory.

JACKIE STARTS RIFFLING THROUGH THE BAG IN HER LAP, SHE PULLS OUT A SUCKER.

JACKIE:

You can keep your disgusting magazines but I'll have a Blow Pop.

ERIC:

(leaning over to talk, quietly to Hyde) Wow. Did you hear that, Hyde? A Blow Pop.

HYDE:

(ignoring Eric) Get bent.

DONNA:

(with fake sympathy) You guys are being dinks. Hyde and Jackie don't need your disgusting, creepy gifts. They just need some good tunes.

DONNA TURNS UP THE RECORD PLAYER, THE SONG, _"I JUST WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU" _BY FOGHAT PLAYS LOUDLY.

ERIC:

(talking, very loudly, over the music) Good call, Donna. A little music will perk them right up.

EVERYBODY EXCEPT JACKIE AND HYDE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY. DONNA TURNS THE MUSIC BACK DOWN AND HYDE LOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO KICK SOMEBODY'S ASS.

HYDE:

You guys are freakin' hysterical. You know that's gettin' pretty old.

KELSO:

(shaking his head) Nuh-uh. It'll be old in three weeks. Until then we're doin' it all the time!

HYDE:

Fine, then get ready for me to do _this_ all the time.

HYDE LEANS FORWARD IN HIS CHAIR AND FROGGS KELSO IN THE ARM. JACKIE HAS UNWRAPPED HER BLOW POP AND IS LICKING AWAY. HYDE SETTLES BACK IN HIS CHAIR AND STARES AT HER FOR A FEW SECONDS AND THEN YANKS THE SUCKER OUT OF HER HAND.

HYDE:

(urgently, to Jackie) Are you trying to kill me?

JACKIE ROLLS HER EYES AT HYDE AND EVERYBODY ELSE GETS A LAUGH.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

EXT. A SNOW COVERED VACANT LOT, THAT AFTERNOON. THERE ARE HOUSES UNDER CONSTRUCTION ON EITHER SIDE OF THE EMPTY LOT WHERE ERIC, DONNA, RED, KITTY, BOB AND JOANNE ARE STANDING.

ERIC:

(a little nervously, to the group) Ok, I suppose you're all wondering why I brought you here.

BOB:

Not me. (he smiles) Although I am wondering if there will be food.

RED:

(glaring at Eric) I'm wondering. I'm freezing my ass off out here.

JOANNE:

(sarcastically, to Red) Betcha you're glad it's not your foot. Now that's a body part you'd really miss.

KITTY:

(with a nod) It's true, Red. You would.

DONNA:

Ok, Eric, tell us why we're here. (points at him, in warning) And it better not have anything to do with "Star Wars".

ERIC:

Ladies and gentleman, feast your eyes on the future Mr. And Mrs. Eric Forman's humble abode.

HE SPREADS HIS ARMS WIDE AND TURNS AROUND IN A CIRCLE.

BOB:

(confused and a little perturbed) An open field? You want my little girl to live in an open field?

KITTY:

(giving Eric a sad smile) Sweetie, at least the mobile home had a roof.

ERIC:

No, not an open field. It's a lot. A lot for a brand new house. (he holds up the papers in his hand) This house. And this is our lot, I put the down payment on it today.

RED:

(threateningly) Eric, if this is one of your smart-ass pranks I'm gonna stick you in a box and send you to Cuba.

ERIC:

No prank. (doing his best John Wayne impression) I own this here land, pilgrim.

DONNA PULLS ERIC IN AND HUGS HIM, EXCITEDLY.

DONNA:

Eric, I can't believe you're gonna build a house.

ERIC PULLS BACK, SLIGHTLY AND SMILES AT DONNA.

ERIC:

We. We're gonna build a house. (a little guiltily) Cause if you don't chip in some money too it's a pretty safe bet we won't have enough for the mortgage payment.

RED:

(a huge smile spreading across his face) This is the ...

KITTY:

(interrupting him) Saddest day of my life.

RED:

I was gonna say happy, but what do I know.

KITTY:

(looking like she's going to cry) My baby's leaving me.

ERIC:

Well, not exactly.

RED:

(with a glare) I knew it. I knew there was a catch. God doesn't like me that much.

ERIC:

(explaining to everyone) It's gonna be a while before the house if finished. So we won't be able to move in until May.

KITTY'S FROWN TURNS INTO A HUGE SMILE AND SHE CLAPS EXCITEDLY AND THEN GIVES ERIC A HUGE HUG.

KITTY:

Perfect. We have four more months before ... (suddenly sad again) I lose you forever.

DONNA WALKS AROUND THE LOT, LOOKING AT EVERYTHING LIKE SHE'S TAKING IT ALL IN.

DONNA:

This is incredible. (she heads back to Eric) Um ... just one thing, can I see the house so I can make sure it's not, like, spaceship shaped or something.

ERIC:

(with a cheesy grin) Take a gander, m'lady.

ERIC HOLDS UP THE PAPERS FOR EVERYONE TO SEE. EVERYBODY GATHERS AROUND ERIC AND LOOKS AT THE PLANS FOR THE HOUSE.

BOB:

Wow. An attached garage. (he nods) Now that's fancy.

DONNA:

(pointing, excitedly) Oh my God, look, it has a basement.

RED:

(looking heavenward) This is the happiest day of my life.

KITTY GLARES AT AN ECSTATIC RED UNTIL HIS SMILE FADES.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. THE DOORWAY OF LEO'S HOUSE, A FEW HOURS LATER. LEO OPENS HIS DOOR AND SEES HYDE, HOLDING BOTH OF THE BABIES.

LEO:

(with mellow excitement) Hey, Hyde. Look, it's you.

HYDE:

(nodding) Yep. It's me.

LEO HOLDS THE DOOR OPEN TO LET HYDE IN.

LEO:

Where'd you get the babies?

HYDE:

They're mine, man. Remember? Jackie was pregnant.

LEO:

She was pregnant? (with a chuckle) Wow, what a relief, man. I thought she was just gettin' fat.

HYDE:

You wanna hold one.

LEO:

Can I, dude?

HYDE NODS AND LEANS JAGGER TOWARDS LEO. LEO TAKES JAGGER AND SMILES AT HIM.

LEO:(cont'd)

Cool. (he looks back and forth between the two babies) You got two, that's a great deal.

HYDE:

(with a smirk and a nod) Yeah, it is. (Hyde pauses and gets a serious look on his face) Hey, Leo, I wanted to talk to you about something, man.

LEO:

Sure, let's talk about sea horses. They confuse the hell out of me, man. How can a horse live under water.

HYDE:

I actually had another topic in mind.

LEO:

Sure. We can come back to the seahorses later.

HYDE:

(a little apprehensively) What happened with your wife and kids, man?

LEO:

(looks a little taken-aback) Wow. So serious. (making silly faces at Jagger) Daddy's so serious.

LEO STOPS HIS SILLY FACES AND LOOKS AT HYDE. HE GIVES HIM A SHRUG.

LEO:(cont'd)

I screwed it up, man. I let other things become more important than them.

HYDE:

(hesitating) Things like, circle time?

LEO:

Yeah. And nothing's more important than your kids, man. They're like the coolest thing ever. Even cooler than an entire summer following The Dead.

HYDE:

(with a quiet chuckle) That's pretty cool.

LEO:

(nodding) I know and kids are even cooler than that. (he pauses and then adds) I'm not telling you what to do, man. But I will let you in on a little secret - sometimes too much of a good thing can actually be a bad thing. You know what I mean, man?

HYDE:

(nodding) I think I do.

LEO:

(with a laugh) Good, cause I don't. (turning his attention back to Jagger) Hey, what's this little dude's name, man?

HYDE:

(smiling at the baby) Jagger.

LEO:

Wow, that's an awesome name. (he points at Layla) What's her name? Keith?

HYDE:

No, man. It's Layla.

LEO:

They've got your hair.

HYDE:

(nods, slowly as he stares at his kids) Yeah.

HYDE CAN'T STOP STARING AT THE TWINS AND LEO BREAKS INTO A MELLOW SMILE.

LEO:

Hey, you wanna talk about sea horses now?

HYDE:

(with a smirk) Sure.

LEO HEADS OVER TO HIS COUCH AND HYDE FOLLOWS HIM.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, THAT NIGHT. ERIC AND DONNA ARE SEATED AT THE TABLE WITH THE DESIGNS FOR THEIR HOUSE SPREAD OUT IN FRONT OF THEM. KELSO, FEZ AND LAURIE ARE CROWDED AROUND THEM LOOKING AT THE PAPERS. KITTY IS AT THE FRIDGE GETTING A DRINK AND RED IS WATCHING KITTY, ANXIOUSLY.

ERIC:

So, this is our kitchen -

DONNA:

(interrupting him, excitedly) And that's our dining room. (pointing at the designs) Right next to the kitchen. Isn't that awesome. (quickly) So when we have parties I can bring the food from the kitchen into the dining room and it won't even get cold.

KITTY:

(under her breath, to Red) I have been serving Eric hot food for twenty years. And where did it get me? Alone. (she frowns at Red) With you.

KITTY STORMS OUT INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

RED:

(smiles, weakly) Looking forward to it, sweetheart.

RED FOLLOWS KITTY OUT INTO THE LIVING ROOM AND STOPS BEFORE HE'S ALL THE WAY OUT THE DOOR. HE TURNS BACK AROUND AND HISSES AT ERIC.

RED:(cont'd)

I need the little yellow pills, a bottle of wine and call Jackie and tell her to bring the babies over here now, dammit.

RED EXITS AND ERIC GOES BACK TO THE DESIGNS.

KELSO:

Man, I can't believe you guys are getting your own house. That's kind of a big step don't you think.

DONNA:

(to Kelso, irritated) Um, we're engaged, moron.

KELSO:

(cockily) Yeah, see, I like to do things a little differently. I like to skip the dating, go straight to the sex, have a kid, _then_ try the dating thing and all that commitment crap.

FEZ:

(excitedly) Oh my God, that is what Laurie and I did too.

LAURIE:

Oh, except we got married instead of having a kid.

KELSO:

(nods, approvingly) That's ok. I like the twist. It works.

ERIC AND DONNA STARE AT FEZ, KELSO AND LAURIE, INCREDULOUSLY.

ERIC:

We have very strange friends, Donna.

FEZ:

(with a sleazy smile)Yes, but you love us anyway.

EVERYBODY TURNS THEIR ATTENTION BACK TO THE PLANS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, LATER THAT NIGHT. RED IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR WATCHING TV WHEN ERIC ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN.

ERIC:

Um, Dad, why are there boxes everywhere in the basement?

RED:

(with a grin) Those are for you. No need to thank me. Just start packing, that's thanks enough.

ERIC:

You do realize I'm not moving out for over four months.

RED:

Never too early to start packing, son.

KITTY COMES DOWN THE STAIRS WEARING HER ROBE AND CARRYING A WRAPPED PRESENT.

KITTY:

Eric, I have something for you.

RED:

Kitty, I thought you were asleep.

KITTY:

(frowning at Red) I was just resting my eyes.

RED:

For five hours?

KITTY IGNORES RED AND HEADS OVER TO ERIC.

KITTY:

Now, I made this the first time you and Donna got a home, but well, (she smiles, nervously) that didn't really work out very well.

ERIC:

(nodding) Yeah. We realize now that wheels belong on cars. Homes need a basement, 'cause that's like, the best part of the house.

KITTY:

(with a shrug) Well, lesson learned. (she laughs and then hands Eric a wrapped package) Here, it's nothing fancy, but I hope you like it.

ERIC OPENS THE BOX AND PULLS OUT A FRAMED PIECE OF NEEDLEPOINT THAT READS, "HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS" ERIC STARES AT HIS PRESENT AND THEN SMILES, SINCERELY, AT KITTY.

ERIC:

Mom, this is awesome. (giving Kitty a hug) Thank you.

KITTY:

(hopeful) Really?

THEY PULL APART AND ERIC GIVES KITTY A NOD.

ERIC:

Really. It's going up right in between my Zeppelin and Skynard posters.

KITTY:

(getting teary-eyed) Oh, Red. Our baby's leaving.

RED:

I'll believe it when I see it.

KITTY:

(with a dismissive wave) Don't listen to him, Eric. That's just your father's way of hiding his pain. Red, you come and tell Eric you're going to miss him.

RED:

I would Kitty, but I hate lying to the boy like that.

KITTY:

(warning) Red ...

RED:

(annoyed) Fine.

RED STANDS UP AND FACES ERIC.

RED:

You know, Eric ... you're really going to miss us.

KITTY:

(a little more serious in her threatening) Red!

RED:

(sighing in exasperation) Oh for God's sake, fine. We're really going to miss you.

ERIC:

(with a small grin) Thanks, Dad. I'll miss you guys too.

RED:

(smiling) Of course you will. Who wouldn't? We're wonderful people.

ERIC:

Well, _one_ of you is.

RED GETS A SINCERE LOOK ON HIS FACE AND HOLDS OUT HIS HAND TO ERIC. THEY SHAKE HANDS AND RED GRINS AS HE PATS ERIC ON THE BACK.

RED:

I'm proud of you, Eric. You worked hard and you've done things your own way. And that takes courage.

RED, STILL SHAKING ERIC'S HAND, PULLS ERIC IN AND GIVES HIM A HUG. KITTY WATCHES THE TWO OF THEM THROUGH TEARY EYES. RED AND ERIC PULL APART AND ERIC GETS A SARCASTIC GRIN ON HIS FACE.

ERIC:

You know, Dad ...

KITTY:

(quickly interrupting Eric) Oh, sweetie, please don't ruin this beautiful moment for me.

ERIC NODS AND CLOSES HIS MOUTH.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 5

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S HOUSE, THE NURSERY, LATE THAT NIGHT. THE ROOM IS VERY DIMLY LIT AND HYDE SITS IN A CHAIR, HOLDING LAYLA. _"GOLDEN SLUMBERS" _BY THE BEATLES IS PLAYING, VERY SOFTLY, IN THE BACKGROUND. JACKIE, WEARING HER PAJAMAS, ENTERS THROUGH THE AJAR DOOR.

JACKIE:

(quietly) Steven, come to bed.

HYDE:

Why? (with a wicked grin) Did you change your mind?

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes) No.

HYDE:

Yeah, I didn't think so.

JACKIE:

(a little bratty) Oh stop being such a crank. You knew the deal when you married me. I tell Donna everything, I bitch until I get my way and I _don't _do that.

JACKIE TURNS TO LEAVE AND HYDE'S STATEMENT STOPS HER DEAD IN HER TRACKS.

HYDE:

Jackie, (he pauses, struggling to get his words out) I'm giving up the circle.

JACKIE TURNS BACK TO HYDE, SHE LOOKS CONFUSED.

JACKIE:

(shaking her head, like she doesn't understand) What?

HYDE:

I'm giving up the circle. (he pauses and smirks) Ok, lemme be a little more specific. I'm _cutting down_ on the circle. Way down. (very serious) And circle ... paraphanilia ... is no longer allowed in my house. I don't want my kids getting a hold of it.

JACKIE CROSSES BACK OVER TO HYDE AND GIVES HIM A TINY SMILE.

JACKIE:

Steven, I don't know what to say.

HYDE:

(looking slightly irritated) Yeah, me either. That's kind of why I'm sitting in here with these two. They don't talk so they can't ask me any annoying questions.

JACKIE:

(pouting) I didn't ask you any annoying questions.

HYDE:

Look, I've now gone three weeks without a circle or sex. Gimme a break.

JACKIE:

(hesitates and then nods) You're right.

JACKIE KNEELS DOWN NEXT TO HYDE'S CHAIR AND GENTLY STROKES HIS BEARD. THEN SHE LEANS FORWARD AND KISSES HIM.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

(urgently) Put that baby down and let's go.

HYDE:

(confused) Where?

JACKIE:

(smiling, seductively) The bedroom, that's where. This is your lucky night.

HYDE:

Are you serious? Or is this some giant burn?

JACKIE:

I'm serious. (she pokes him in the chest) But just so you know, I'm still gonna bitch and I'm still gonna tell Donna everything.

HYDE:

(with a wicked smirk) Oh you can tell _everybody_ about this.

HYDE STANDS UP AND SETS LAYLA DOWN IN HER CRIB THEN HE GRABS JACKIE'S HAND AND DRAGS HER OUT OF THE ROOM.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, THE NEXT DAY. ERIC IS IN THE LAWN CHAIR AND FEZ AND KELSO ARE ON THE COUCH. THEY ARE ALL WATCHING TV WHEN HYDE ENTERS THROUGH THE BASEMENT DOOR, HE IS CARRYING KELSO'S BOX OF PLAYBOYS. HE HEADS TO THE TABLE AND DROPS THE BOX DOWN ONTO IT, QUICKLY GETTING EVERYONE'S ATTENTION. THEN, HE GRINS AT THE GUYS.

HYDE:

(to Kelso) Here you go.

KELSO:

My Playboys? You're returning them?

FEZ:

(nods, sadly) They can be overwhelming can't they.

HYDE:

(a wicked grin spreading across his face) Let's just say I don't have a use for 'em anymore.

ERIC:

(smiling, in awe, at Hyde) You dirty, brilliant son-of-a-bitch.

HYDE:

(nodding) Yep. I cut down on circle time and I got something way cooler instead.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"Love To Love You Baby"

Jackie and Hyde's six weeks are up, but the possibilities for romance don't look good as babysitter after babysitter comes down with the flu; and Donna and Eric begin planning wedding #2.


	28. Love To Love You Baby

"Love To Love You Baby"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Donna Summer.

I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disaster that was Season 8. This would be episode 8-21.

Just a little note, I recommend listening to the songs featured in this episode because I think they really add to the mood of the scenes.

Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing! You guys rock!

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, EVENING. HYDE, HOLDING JAGGER, KELSO, FEZ, BOB, RED AND ERIC ARE GATHERED AROUND THE KITCHEN TABLE PLAYING CARDS AND DRINKING BEER. THERE ARE CHIPS AND BOWLS OF OTHER SNACKS ON THE TABLE. _"A BOY NAMED SUE" _BY JOHNNY CASH PLAYS ON THE RADIO IN THE BACKGROUND.

HYDE:

(with a cocky grin) You know, it's just getting too easy to take you guys' money. (showing Jagger his cards) You see this hand, Jagger - this hand is gonna win your dad beer money for the whole week.

FEZ:

(doing his Hyde impression, very badly) I'm Hyde, I win everything.

KELSO:

(doing his Hyde impression) I'm Hyde, I'm cooler than everyone.

RED:

(frowning at Kelso and Fez) I'm Red, and I'm about to kick both of your asses.

RED SOUNDS LIKE HE HAS A TERRIBLE COLD AND HE LETS OUT A COUGH.

BOB:

Gee, Red. You don't sound good. You sound kinda sick.

ERIC:

(with a nod) He's right, Dad. Wait til Mom gets home. It'll be nothing but chicken noodle soup and hot toddies for you, pal.

RED:

(irritated) I am not sick. Men don't get sick. We get heart attacks.

KELSO:

(with a smile, to Eric) Hey, do you think if I pretended like I was sick your mom would make _me_ chicken soup?

FEZ:

(sighs, dreamily) Oh how I love Miss Kitty's delicious soup. (excited, like he has an idea) Red, share your germs with me. Let me take a drink of your beer.

FEZ REACHES ACROSS THE TABLE TOWARDS RED'S BEER. RED GLARES AT FEZ.

RED:

(threateningly) Get your hands off my beer, Pancho Villa.

FEZ, NERVOUSLY, BACKS AWAY FROM RED'S BEER

HYDE:

Alright, who's in?

BOB LEANS IN CLOSE TO RED AND REACHES ACROSS HIM FOR A BOWL ON THE TABLE. AT THE EXACT MOMENT BOB LEANS IN TOWARDS RED, RED TURNS HIS HEAD AND SNEEZES ALL OVER BOB. BOB PULLS BACK AWAY FROM RED AND LOOKS A LITTLE SAD.

BOB:

(with a frown) Well, I woulda been. But Red just sneezed all over my cards.

RED:

(scowling at Bob) Bob, why in the hell were you leaning in that close to me?

BOB:

(sheepishly points to a bowl on the table) I was reachin' for the cheese dip.

RED, CLEARLY ANNOYED, GETS UP FROM HIS SEAT AND HEADS TOWARDS THE COUNTER. HYDE STANDS UP AND STARTS TO GATHER UP HIS STUFF.

HYDE:

Now that the contaminated crap is flying, I think Jagger and I will probably take off

ERIC:

(challenging him) Don't you wanna take all of our money first? Or maybe, you're bluffing.

HYDE:

(shrugs nonchalantly) You wanna lose your money to me, I got no problem with that.

HYDE SITS BACK DOWN AS ERIC, KELSO, FEZ AND BOB LAY THEIR HANDS DOWN ON THE TABLE. AFTER QUICKLY SCANNING THE OTHER'S CARDS, HYDE GETS A BIG SMIRK ON HIS FACE.

HYDE:(cont'd)

(very condescendingly) Well, what a surprise.

HYDE LAYS HIS HAND DOWN.

ERIC:

(looking around the table) No one? No one has a hand better than Hyde's wimpy little ... (looking at Hyde's cards he frowns) straight flush? Dammit. Never mind.

HYDE:

It's like you guys don't even try anymore.

HYDE PUTS HIS HANDS OVER THE POT AND SCOOPS IT TOWARDS HIMSELF. KELSO SADLY WATCHES HIS MONEY GO.

KELSO:

Hyde, that was my last five bucks.

HYDE:

(with a wicked grin) Then I'll make sure I buy somethin' real cool with it.

RED:

(rifling through cupboards) Where the hell are all the kleenexes?

ERIC:

(sarcastically) I thought you weren't sick?

RED, VERY ANNOYED HEADS BACK OVER TO THE TABLE. AND POINTS AT BOB.

RED:

They're not for me, smart-ass. Bob's got cheese dip all over his face.

THE GUYS ALL TURN TO LOOK AT BOB. HE GIVES THEM A GUILTY SMILE AND SHRUGS.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. POINT PLACE MALL, A LINGERIE STORE, THAT NIGHT. JACKIE AND DONNA ARE SORTING THROUGH THE RACKS AND JACKIE HAS SEVERAL PIECES SLUNG OVER HER ARM. LAYLA IS IN A CARRIAGE NEXT TO HER.

DONNA:

I need something really cute for me and Eric's trip to Madison. Something that says, "I know you're not happy I dragged you all the way to Madison to go to a Bridal Expo, but I'm gonna reward you for it sexually". (she holds up two nighties for Jackie to see) So, virginal white? Or slutty black?

JACKIE:

(with a point) Definitely go for the black one. Nothing makes men forget they're doing something they don't wanna do like black lace. (excitedly) God, shopping for lingerie is so much fun now that I have these huge boobs.

DONNA:

(looking at Jackie with amusement) You're in an awfully good mood today. (sarcastically) I know what it must be, it's because we're at the mall isn't it. The instant we leave you're gonna turn back into a brat. Kind of like Cinderella.

JACKIE:

(with a smile) I'll tell you why I'm in a good mood, _Donna. _I have my six week check-up tomorrow. Which means ...

DONNA:

(holding up a hand to stop Jackie) Spare me the details. I know what it means.

JACKIE:

Oh my god, Donna. I can't wait. I swear, Steven gets sexier every day.

DONNA:

Well, he definitely gets hairier every day.

JACKIE:

(points, threateningly, at Donna) Leave Steven's beard alone. I think it's sexy.

DONNA:

You used to hate it.

JACKIE:

(with a wave of her hand) Yeah, well, I also used to hate _you_. Things change, Donna. (her expression suddenly changes and she looks very far away) I bet Steven's got something special planned.

DONNA:

(with a grin) Oh yeah, like what?

JACKIE:

Like ...

FADE INTO JACKIE'S FANTASY.

THE SONG, _"SUDDENLY"_ BY OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN AND CLIFF RICHARD PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. HYDE IS STANDING IN AN ALL WHITE ROOM. HE IS WEARING A TUXEDO WITH THE SHIRT UNTUCKED AND UNBUTTONED AND THE TIE HANGING LOOSE AROUND HIS NECK. THERE IS NOTHING IN THE ROOM BUT A HUGE WHITE BED COVERED IN ROSE PETALS. JACKIE SAUNTERS IN WEARING A LONG, BLACK BALLGOWN. THE WIND IS BLOWING HER HAIR AND SHE STROLLS, SEDUCTIVELY, TOWARDS HYDE. IT LOOKS LIKE A SCENE OUT OF A HARLEQUIN NOVEL AND HYDE IS EXTREMELY OUT OF CHARACTER. THEY BOTH LIP-SYNCH THE WORDS TO THE SONG.

HYDE:

(gazing at Jackie) _"She walks in and I'm suddenly a hero_

_I'm taken in, my hopes begin to rise_

JACKIE:

(walking towards Hyde in-time with the music)_"Look at me_

_Can't you tell_ _I'd be so thrilled to see the message in your eyes"_

HYDE:

"_You make it seem I'm so close to my dream_

_And then suddenly it's all there"_

JACKIE REACHES HYDE AND HE PULLS HER TO HIM, VERY DRAMATICALLY. HE WRAPS HIS ARMS AROUND HER WAIST AND THEY SING TO EACH OTHER.

HYDE AND JACKIE:

"_Suddenly, the wheels are in motion_

_And I, I'm ready to sail any ocean_

_Suddenly, I don't need the answers_

'_Cause I, I'm ready to take all my chances with you"_

HYDE:

Jackie, I'm ready to sail any ocean, (he looks down towards his pants and then quickly looks back up at Jackie and grins) if you know what I mean.

JACKIE:

(huskily) Make love to me, Steven.

HYDE SWEEPS JACKIE UP IN HIS ARMS AND CARRIES HER OVER TO THE BED. HE LAYS HER DOWN AND THEN HE LAYS DOWN ON TOP OF HER AND THEY BEGIN TO KISS.

FADE OUT OF FANTASY.

JACKIE HAS A HUGE SMILE ON HER FACE AND DONNA LOOKS TOTALLY DISGUSTED.

DONNA:

Jackie, I swear to God, if I ever hear you ask Hyde to, "make love to you" I'll vomit all over your designer boots. And why is it every time you have an unrealistic fantasy about Hyde it's accompanied by an Olivia Newton-John song?

JACKIE:

(glaring at Donna) Because she makes beautiful friggin' love songs, Donna.

DONNA:

(with a laugh) Ok, here's how I see your night going ...

FADE INTO DONNA'S FANTASY

"_A LITTLE MORE LOVE" _BY OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN IS PLAYING. JACKIE IS SCANTILY CLAD IN SOME RED LINGERIE AND HYDE IS WEARING HIS USUAL TEE SHIRT AND JEANS. HE IS SITTING IN THE BED OF THE EL CAMINO THAT IS PARKED IN THE WOODS SOMEWHERE. JACKIE IS STROLLING TOWARDS HYDE IN-TIME WITH THE MUSIC. SHE HAS A LUSTFUL LOOK IN HER EYES AS SHE LIP-SYNCHS TO THE SONG.

JACKIE:

"_Night is draggin' her feet_

_I wait alone in the heat_

_I know, know that you'll have your way_

_Til you have to go home_

_No's a word I can't say_

JACKIE IS STANDING WITHIN REACHING DISTANCE OF HYDE AND WHILE SHE'S STILL VERY MUCH INTO HER SONG HYDE IS LOOKING EXTREMELY IRRITATED.

HYDE:

(interrupting her) Jackie, you're killin' me. Stop singing and let's do it already.

HYDE GRABS JACKIE'S HAND AND PULLS HER INTO THE FLATBED WITH HIM.

FADE OUT OF FANTASY. DONNA IS LAUGHING AND JACKIE IS SMILING, EXCITEDLY.

JACKIE:

Oh my God, Donna. I can't believe you know an Olivia Newton-John song. I'm so proud of you.

DONNA:

(staring at Jackie) You're insane. You know that, right?

JACKIE:

(quickly) God, I just wanna rip Steven's clothes off and throw him on the bed and -

KITTY AND LAURIE SUDDENLY APPEAR BEHIND THEM.

KITTY:

(interrupting Jackie) Alright, girls, Laurie and I are done. Should we get going?

JACKIE AND DONNA LOOK VERY GUILTY AND LAURIE IMMEDIATELY NOTICES. SHE GIVES THEM A TEASING SMILE.

LAURIE:

What 'cha talkin' about?

JACKIE:

(at the same time) Make-up.

DONNA:

(at the same time) Feminism.

JACKIE AND DONNA LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN CONFUSION.

DONNA:

(with a disappointed pout) Damn. That always works when Eric and Hyde do it.

KITTY LOOKS A LITTLE CONFUSED AND LAURIE SMILES, KNOWINGLY, AT DONNA AND JACKIE.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, THE NEXT MORNING. RED AND KITTY ARE BOTH STILL IN THEIR PAJAMAS AND LOOKING MISERABLE. THEY'RE SITTING AT THE TABLE EATING SOUP WHEN ERIC WALKS IN FROM THE LIVING ROOM. HE IS CARRYING A SMALL BAG.

ERIC:

(to Red and Kitty) Ok, Donna and I are taking off. We'll be back tomorrow.

KITTY:

(sadly, to Eric) I made some sandwiches for you, but your father sneezed all over them.

RED:

(scowls at Kitty) I did not, _you_ sneezed all over them.

KITTY:

Only _after_ you did.

ERIC:

Mom, are you sick too?

RED:

(firmly) I'm not sick.

KITTY:

(with a sarcastic grin) Of course not, Red. You just magically managed to share your non-sick germs with me.

DONNA ENTERS THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR CARRYING A SMALL BAG.

ERIC:

(with a cheesy grin) There's m'lady.

DONNA:

I am so glad to be getting out of that house. (squishing up her face in disgust) The snot and spit are everywhere in that place.

ERIC:

(to Donna) Your dad and Joanne are sick too?

DONNA:

(grinning at Red) My dad said something about Red sneezing all over him.

ERIC:

Well, to be fair, he only sneezed on him because _your_ dad leaned in super close to _my_ dad. It was a little weird.

RED:

(looking at Eric, in irritation) I did not get Bob sick, because I am not sick.

KITTY:

Oh for goodness sakes, Red. You used an entire box of kleenexes last night. You're sick. Now eat your chicken soup.

RED:

Fine. (pointing at Kitty) But I'm eating it because I'm hungry, not because I'm sick.

ERIC:

(melodramatically) Come, Donna. Let us leave this house of germs and journey to the magical city of Madison. Where hundreds of bridal vendors are waiting to sell us tacky crap for our wedding.

KITTY:

(with a small smile) Drive safely, Eric.

KITTY STANDS UP TO KISS ERIC GOOD-BYE AND INSTEAD GOES INTO A COUGHING FIT. ERIC FROWNS AT KITTY.

ERIC:

That's ok, Mom. I think I'll pass on the kiss if you don't mind.

KITTY:

Here, I'll just blow you a kiss.

KITTY BLOWS ERIC A KISS AND ERIC RUNS AROUND MIMING TRYING TO CATCH THE KISS. HE JUMPS HIGH IN THE AIR AND PRETENDS TO GRAB IT, THEN HE PLACES IT ON HIS CHEEK AND KITTY LAUGHS, WEAKLY.

ERIC:

(in a sing-song voice) Got it!

RED STARES AT ERIC, EXTREMELY ANNOYED AT HIS DISPLAY.

RED:

What the hell is wrong with you?

ERIC:

(with a mocking smile) Enjoy your chicken noodle soup, tough guy.

DONNA ROLLS HER EYES AND GRABS ERIC'S HAND, PULLING HIM OUTSIDE. RED AND KITTY GO BACK TO THEIR SOUP.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. THE HUB, AFTERNOON. KELSO, FEZ AND LAURIE ARE GATHERED AROUND A TABLE. LAURIE HAS LAYLA ON HER LAP AND FEZ IS HOLDING JAGGER. KELSO IS HOLDING OUT A FRY TO JAGGER. _"COUNT ON ME" _BY JEFFERSON STARSHIP PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

KELSO:

You want a fry, Jagger?

FEZ:

(nervously) Um ... I do not think this is a good idea. Hyde told us not to mess with his son. And I think he really, _really_ meant it.

KELSO:

Relax, Fez. I'm just giving the little dude a fry.

LAURIE:

(snotty) Kelso, he has no teeth.

KELSO:

(indignantly) Well he can suck on it, _Laurie_. (with a smile he holds a fry out again) Here you go, little guy. Have a fry.

HYDE COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND IMMEDIATELY GLARES AT KELSO WHEN HE SEES HIM TRYING TO FEED JAGGER A FRY.

HYDE:

Kelso, what the hell are you doing?

FEZ:

(quickly) We tried to stop him, please do not kill us.

KELSO:

(with a dopey smile) I'm just giving him a fry. And fries are potatoes, and potatoes are vegetables. And vegetables are good for you. So there!

HYDE:

(calmly threatening Kelso) If you give my son a fry I'm gonna have to hurt you. Do you want me to hurt you?

FEZ:

(whispers to Kelso) Ooh, I know this one. The answer is, "no".

KELSO:

(sighs, exasperated) OK, no fries.

HYDE:

(with a nod) Good choice.

LAURIE:

Wow, Hyde. Fatherhood is really changing you. Now you're giving people a warning before you beat them into a bloody pulp.

HYDE:

Oh I'm still gonna beat on him. I'm just gonna do it when Jagger's not sitting so close to him.

JACKIE ENTERS. SHE HEADS OVER TO THE GANGS TABLE AND SNEAKS UP BEHIND HYDE WRAPPING HER ARMS AROUND HIS WAIST.

JACKIE:

(with a sexy smile) Hey.

HYDE:

What did Dr. Sexy say? Are we good to go?

JACKIE:

Well it's nice to see you too, Steven.

JACKIE LETS GO OF HYDE AND HEADS OVER TO THE TWINS GIVING EACH OF THEM A KISS ON THE HEAD.

HYDE:

(impatiently) We're wasting time talking, woman. Now what'd he say?

FEZ:

(shaking his head) Oh, Hyde. You poor, horny, son-of-a-bitch.

JACKIE:

He said that I am perfect. (she shrugs) Which of course I already knew. But, it can never be said enough. (she crosses back over to Hyde) Oh and look. My Jordache jeans. They fit. Isn't that amazing.

JACKIE TWIRLS AROUND SO HYDE CAN GET A LOOK AT HER JEANS. HYDE GRABS HER HAND AND STARTS PULLING HER INTO THE BATHROOM.

JACKIE:

Steven, what are you doing?

HYDE:

(quietly) I love those frickin' jeans.

JACKIE:

I am _not_ doing it in The Hub.

HYDE:

(with a smirk) You didn't used to be this picky.

JACKIE:

What are we supposed to do with the twins?

HYDE:

They're fine. Fez and Laurie can watch them.

JACKIE:

(looking over her shoulder) Oh really? 'Cause Fez and Laurie are making out and Michael's trying to give Jagger a fry.

HYDE TURNS AROUND IN TIME TO SEE FEZ AND LAURIE, WITH THE TWINS STILL SITTING IN THEIR LAPS, SUCKING FACE AND KELSO TRYING TO FEED JAGGER A FRY.

HYDE :

(pissed-off) That's it, Kelso! You're a dead man!

FEZ AND LAURIE STOP KISSING WHILE KELSO JUMPS OUT OF HIS SEAT AND TRIES TO HIDE BEHIND FEZ AND JAGGER.

KELSO:

(frantically) Fez, quick, gimme that baby before Hyde kills me.

FEZ SCOOTS AWAY FROM KELSO AS HYDE MAKES HIS WAY TOWARDS THEM, KELSO RUNS OUT OF THE HUB WITH HYDE CLOSE BEHIND HIM.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. MADISON, THE WEDDING EXPO, THE SAME TIME. THERE ARE SEVERAL VENDORS BOOTHS SET UP, ALL WITH SOME SORT OF WEDDING PRODUCT. ERIC AND DONNA ARE WALKING PAST A VIDEOGRAPHERS BOOTH. THEY BOTH LOOK EXTREMELY BORED.

ERIC:

I'm not so sure I _want_ a video of our wedding. I mean how many times do I wanna watch Fez get drunk and try to smell your wedding dress?

DONNA:

Actually, since he and Laurie got together he hasn't smelled me once.

ERIC:

Ok, then let me rephrase. How many times do I wanna watch _Kelso_ get drunk and try to grab your boobs.

DONNA:

(with a laugh) Well, that never gets old, really. (suddenly serious) Eric, don't get mad at me, ok?

ERIC:

(irritated) Oh crap. I swear to God if you say you don't wanna get married I'm gonna go jump in Lake Monoa.

DONNA:

(with a teasing grin) Really? That'd be a neat trick considering there's about two feet of ice on the lake.

ERIC:

(demonstrating) I'll cut a hole in the ice, jump in, and then pull the ice back over the hole and freeze to death in peace.

DONNA:

(frogging Eric in the arm) Of course I wanna marry you, ya dill hole. (looking around) I just wanna get the hell out of here.

ERIC:

(suddenly excited) Are you serious?

DONNA:

If I have to look at one more swan ice sculpture or another pink, poufy bridesmaid's dress, I'm gonna kill someone.

ERIC:

Ok. So what do you wanna do?

DONNA:

(with a shrug) I don't know. How about we go have a couple beers and then just go back to the hotel?

ERIC:

(with a huge smile) Oh you are _so_ the girl for me.

ERIC TAKES DONNA'S HAND AND THEY HEAD OUT OF THE BRIDAL EXPO.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 6

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S BEDROOM, A SHORT WHILE LATER. _"I'M BURNIN' FOR YOU"_ BY BLUE OYSTER CULT IS PLAYING ON THE STEREO. HYDE IS LAYING ON THE BED STARING AT THE CEILING. THE DOOR OPENS AND JACKIE STANDS IN THE DOORWAY, GRINNING AT HYDE.

HYDE:

(with a smirk) Are they asleep?

JACKIE:

(quickly walking towards the bed) Yes, but I don't know for how long so let's skip the foreplay and just get to the main part.

HYDE:

Awesome.

JACKIE REACHES THE BED AND CLIMBS ON, SHE LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM AND FROWNS.

JACKIE:

Steven, there are no candles.

HYDE:

(flatly) I can hold up my lighter.

JACKIE:

(with a pout) There's no romantic music, there are no flowers, the wind's not blowing.

HYDE:

I disagree. This song is totally romantic. (a little annoyed) Come on, _"I'm burnin' for you"_, that's like frickin' poetry.

JACKIE:

It's just, I kind of thought you would have something special planned since it's our first time in so long.

HYDE:

Jackie, I did something special on our _first_, first time. I was kinda hoping that would cover me for the next twenty years or so.

JACKIE:

(snuggling up to Hyde, she smiles) You _were_ sweet that night.

HYDE:

That's because I wanted to sleep with you.

JACKIE:

(her smile falls and she rolls her eyes in irritation) You're a pig.

HYDE:

(smirking) I love it when you talk dirty.

HYDE CUPS JACKIE'S FACE IN HIS HANDS AND BEGINS KISSING HER. THEY SLOWLY LAY BACK ONTO THE BED AND AS SOON AS THEY ARE LAYING DOWN ONE OF THE BABIES BEGINS TO CRY. HYDE LETS GO OF JACKIE'S FACE AND STARTS KISSING HER NECK. JACKIE LOOKS INCREDIBLY DISTRACTED BY THE BABY'S CRIES.

HYDE:

(in between kisses) Leave it.

NOW BOTH BABIES BEGIN TO CRY. JACKIE SITS UP AND GENTLY SHOVES HYDE OFF OF HER.

JACKIE:

Steven, I have to check on them.

HYDE:

(quickly) Why? They're in cribs, they're not going anywhere. It's not like they're gonna go steal the keys to the El Camino and go joy riding.

JACKIE:

(bitchy) Fine. You wanna do it while listening to that. Be my guest.

JACKIE FLOPS BACK DOWN ONTO THE BED AND LAYS IN A BIG "X" LOOKING INCREDIBLY DISINTERESTED.

HYDE:

(staring at Jackie) You're just gonna lay there?

JACKIE:

Why not? (with a pout) The moment is totally ruined. There's no Olivia Newton-John, you're not wearing a tuxedo and our babies are screaming bloody murder in the next room.

HYDE:

(with an irritated sigh) Let's go.

HYDE GETS OFF OF THE BED AND GRABS JACKIE'S HAND, PULLING HER UP WITH HIM. HE STARTS TOWARDS THE DOOR, DRAGGING JACKIE BEHIND HIM.

JACKIE:

(confused) What? Where?

HYDE:

To find a babysitter.

JACKIE:

(smiles excitedly) Oh my God, you're a genius.

HYDE:

Yes I am. A pig and a genius. It's a winning combination.

HYDE AND JACKIE EXIT.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM., A FEW MINUTES LATER. HYDE AND JACKIE ENTER, HYDE IS CARRYING LAYLA AND JACKIE HAS JAGGER. THE ROOM IS EMPTY AND HYDE LOOKS AROUND TRYING TO FIND RED OR KITTY.

HYDE:

Where the hell is everybody?

JACKIE:

(shaking her head) This is so embarrassing.

HYDE:

What's embarrassing about asking my mom to babysit?

JACKIE:

Well, what are you gonna say exactly? (doing her impression of Hyde) Hey, Mom, can you watch the kids so Jackie and I can go _do it_?

HYDE:

(irritated) Why does everyone's impression of me sound exactly the same?

KITTY COMES TO THE TOP OF THE STAIRS.

KITTY:

(calling into the living room) Steven, is that you?

HYDE:

Yeah.

KITTY:

Don't come up here.

JACKIE:

(whispers to Hyde) Oh my God, they're doing it.

KITTY:

Red and I are both sick and I don't want the babies to catch anything.

HYDE:

You're both sick?

KITTY:

(nodding, sadly) Yes. Although Red's being an a-s-s and won't admit it. Even while he's hacking up a lung. Hold up my precious grandbabies so I can see their sweet little faces.

JACKIE AND HYDE DO SO, ALTHOUGH HYDE LOOKS A LITTLE ANNOYED TO BE PARTICIPATING.

KITTY:(cont'd)

(waving at the babies) Hi babies. Grandma Kitty loves you and so does Grandpa Red, even if he is an a-s-s.

HYDE:

How sick are we talking? Like, too sick to babysit.

JACKIE SHAKES HER HEAD IN IRRITATION AND GRABS HYDE'S HAND, PULLING HIM TOWARDS THE KITCHEN DOOR.

JACKIE:

Let's go, Steven. (calling over her shoulder) Feel better Mrs. Forman.

HYDE:

(quickly) I'm just saying, maybe the twins could stay down here and she could just watch them from the stairs.

JACKIE ROLLS HER EYES IN TOTAL ANNOYANCE AND YANKS HYDE OUT OF THE ROOM.

CUT TO EXT. BACK DOOR OF THE PINCIOTTI HOUSE. BOB OPENS THE DOOR IN HIS BATHROBE. HE LOOKS AWFUL. JACKIE, HOLDING JAGGER, AND HYDE, HOLDING LAYLA, ARE STANDING OUTSIDE OF THE DOOR.

HYDE:

(scowling when he sees Bob) Oh crap. You too?

BOB:

(with a sad pout) You tell Red that he _was_ sick. And now I'm sick and Jojo's sick. And I am very upset with him.

HYDE:

(nodding) Will do, Bob.

BOB FROWNS AND SHUTS THE DOOR. HYDE TURNS TO JACKIE AND SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S ABOUT TO CRY.

JACKIE:

(whining) Now what do we do?

HYDE:

(with a grin, like a lightbulb just went off) Forman and Donna.

JACKIE:

Steven, they're in Madison.

HYDE:

That's perfect. We can drive to Madison, go to their hotel, and they can wait out in the hallway with the twins while we use their room.

JACKIE:

Again. You are a pig.

HYDE:

Hey, why don't you come up with a solution to the problem instead of name calling.

JACKIE:

Fine. (she sighs) Here's my solution. We wait til tomorrow when Eric and Donna get home.

HYDE:

Jackie, that's like, the worst solution ever.

HYDE GRABS JACKIE'S HAND AND PULLS HER BEHIND HIM AS THEY HEAD OFF.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT. THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF FEZ, LAURIE AND KELSO'S APARTMENT, A SHORT WHILE LATER. JACKIE AND HYDE, HOLDING THE BABIES ARE STANDING IN THE HALLWAY AND FEZ OPENS UP THE DOOR.

HYDE:

(very cranky) We need a babysitter.

FEZ:

(excitedly) And you chose us? Oh, Hyde, I am so touched.

JACKIE:

Actually we chose Mr. And Mrs. Forman, but they're sick.

FEZ:

So, we are the second choice. (with a beaming smile) Second is beautiful too.

JACKIE:

No. The second choice was Bob and Joanne. But they're sick too.

FEZ:

So, we are third? (he shrugs) Hey, it's no number one but it's still a bronze metal.

HYDE:

Eric and Donna would've been third. But, ya know, they're a couple hundred miles away.

FEZ:

So, we are fourth? (he points at Hyde, angrily) Well, let me tell you something my friend. (with a smile) You are lucky I have no pride or it might really be hurt.

FEZ HOLDS THE DOOR OPEN AND HYDE AND JACKIE, WITH THE TWINS HEAD INTO THE APARTMENT.

CUT TO INT. APARTMENT. JACKIE AND LAURIE ARE IN THE KITCHEN, LAURIE IS HOLDING LAYLA. FEZ IS HOLDING JAGGER AND STANDING BY THE COUCH WATCHING HYDE AND KELSO. HYDE IS SITTING ON KELSO.

KELSO:

(yelling, spastically) Hyde, things are starting to go fuzzy! Get off me, man!

HYDE:

(threateningly) Not until you promise to not play with fire or glue while my kids are here.

KELSO:

You know I can't make that promise. I never know when I'm gonna feel the urge to blow somethin' up.

HYDE:

Promise me or I'm gonna make Jackie start kicking you in the shins.

KELSO:

(yells, frantically) Fine! I promise, I promise. Just keep her and her pointy shoes away from my sexy legs.

HYDE GETS OFF OF KELSO AND HE STANDS UP OFF OF THE COUCH.

JACKIE:

Ok, Laurie I put the bottles in the fridge and the diapers are in the bag.

FEZ:

(smiling perversely) Oh my God, breast milk in my fridge.

JACKIE:

(points threateningly to Fez and then Laurie) And make sure you and Fez don't do any creepy perverted things in front of my babies. I don't want them to be traumatized.

LAURIE:

We'll be fine. (with a big, ditzy smile) I'm gonna read to them.

HYDE:

(with a smirk) Wow, Laurie. I wasn't aware you actually knew how to read. Good for you.

LAURIE STICKS HER TONGUE OUT AT HYDE. JACKIE LOOKS VERY NERVOUS AND SHE CAN'T STOP KISSING THE BABIES.

JACKIE:

(sadly) Bye babies. I love you.

FEZ:

Aw, we love you too, Jackie.

HYDE GIVES THE TWINS A QUICK KISS AND THEN STARTS PULLING JACKIE TOWARDS THE DOOR

JACKIE:

(calling over her shoulder) And if you have any problems, just call us.

HYDE:

But they've gotta be _big_ problems.

JACKIE:

(turns to Hyde and frowns at him) No. _Any_ problems.

FEZ:

(calling after Jackie and Hyde) I am going to sing to them.

HYDE:

(to Fez) Do what ya gotta do, buddy. As long as Jackie and I get a couple of hours alone, I don't care if you sing Donna Summer to them.

JACKIE:

(gasps in surprise) Steven, it is so sweet that you would let Fez sing disco to our babies just so you could be with me.

HYDE:

Yep. See, I did something special. Now get your butt in the car and let's get to it.

JACKIE AND HYDE EXIT LEAVING BEHIND KELSO, FEZ, LAURIE AND THE BABIES. LAURIE HOLDS ONTO LAYLA'S LITTLE HAND AND USES IT TO WAVE GOOD-BYE TO JACKIE AND HYDE.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S BEDROOM, A SHORT WHILE LATER. THE DOOR FLIES OPEN AND JACKIE AND HYDE TUMBLE IN. THEY ARE MAKING OUT LIKE CRAZY AND TRYING TO GET UNDRESSED AT THE SAME TIME. WITHOUT BREAKING AWAY FROM JACKIE HYDE FUMBLES AROUND THE STEREO SEARCHING FOR THE RIGHT KNOB. HE TURNS THE RADIO ON AND THE SONG, _"MAGIC"_ BY OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN PLAYS. JACKIE PULLS AWAY FROM HYDE, SLIGHTLY AND GIVES HIM A HUGE SMILE AS SHE LISTENS TO THE SONG.

JACKIE:

Oh my God, this is perfect. Wait til I tell Donna.

HYDE:

(with a scowl) Not happening, doll.

HE TURNS THE RADIO DIAL AND STOPS WHEN HE HEARS, _"LIGHT MY FIRE" _BY THE DOORS.

HYDE:(cont'd)

(nodding) Now, we're talkin'.

THEY START KISSING AGAIN AND, WITHOUT BREAKING THEIR HOLD ON EACH OTHER, HEAD TOWARDS THE BED. HYDE ABRUPTLY LETS GO OF JACKIE AND HEADS OVER TO THE DOOR.

JACKIE:

(breathlessly) Steven, where are you going?

HE FLIPS A SWITCH ON THE WALL.

HYDE:

I'm turning on the ceiling fan.

HYDE HEADS TO THE DRESSER, PULLS A LIGHTER OUT OF HIS POCKET AND LIGHTS A SINGLE CANDLE SITTING ON THE DRESSER.

HYDE:(cont'd)

There ya go. Wind, romantic music, and a freakin' candle. Now let's go.

HYDE STRIDES QUICKLY TOWARDS THE BED AND GRABS JACKIE. SHE SQUEALS AS THEY FALLS BACKWARDS, KISSING, ONTO THE BED.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. FEZ. LAURIE AND KELSO'S APARTMENT, A FEW HOURS LATER. EVERYBODY IS ON THE COUCH. LAURIE IS IN THE MIDDLE WITH KELSO AND FEZ ON EITHER SIDE OF HER. FEZ HAS HIS HEAD LAYING ON LAURIE'S SHOULDER AND IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO FALL ASLEEP. KELSO IS GRINNING LIKE A LITTLE KID. KELSO IS HOLDING JAGGER AND LAURIE IS HOLDING LAYLA. BOTH OF THE BABIES ARE ASLEEP. LAURIE IS READING ALOUD FROM THE BOOK, GOODNIGHT MOON. SHE HAS A BIG, SPACEY SMILE ON HER FACE.

LAURIE:

(reading) "Goodnight stars

Goodnight air

Goodnight noises everywhere."

LAURIE CLOSES THE BOOK AND SMILES AT FEZ AND THEN KELSO, CLEARLY VERY PROUD OF HERSELF. KELSO TAPS HER ON THE ARM.

KELSO:

(with a big, dopey smile) Read another one, Laurie.

LAURIE GIVES KELSO A DITZY SMILE AND REACHES INTO JACKIE'S DIAPER BAG FOR ANOTHER BOOK.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 5

INT. DONNA AND ERIC'S HOTEL ROOM, THAT NIGHT. ERIC AND DONNA ARE LAYING ON THE BED. ERIC HAS HIS ARM AROUND DONNA AND SHE HAS HER HEAD LAID ON HIS CHEST. _"LET'S GET IT ON"_ BY MARVIN GAYE IS PLAYING ON THE RADIO IN THE BACKGROUND.

DONNA:

(poking Eric in the ribs) Ok, so what did we learn today?

ERIC:

Um, that we love chocolate cake and that we're not doing that stupid thing where people bang on their glasses and we kiss.

DONNA:

That's right. In fact, if someone does do the glass clinking thing. I say we make them kiss Mitch as punishment.

ERIC:

(listening to the music) Hey, they're playing our song.

DONNA SITS UP AND LISTENS TO THE MUSIC.

DONNA:

(with a laugh) This is _not_ our song.

ERIC:

(giving her his best sexy smile) No, but it could be. (pulling Donna towards him) Come on, don't you wanna have a story to tell Jackie after she grosses you out with all the dirty details of her and Hyde's weekend of sex.

DONNA:

(pauses for a few seconds, thinking and then nods in agreement) Good point. You are so considerate, Eric.

ERIC:

(with a nod, he smiles) That's me.

ERIC PULLS DONNA TO HIM AND THEY START MAKING OUT. AFTER A FEW SECONDS ERIC PULLS BACK SLIGHTLY.

ERIC:(cont'd)

Oh and make sure, however long Jackie says she and Hyde did it for - add on five minutes. And that's how long _we_ did it for.

DONNA:

(with a chuckle) You got it.

DONNA LUNGES AT ERIC AND THEY FALL BACK ONTO THE BED, KISSING.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 5

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, AN HOUR LATER. KITTY AND RED, STILL IN THEIR PAJAMAS, ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE, THEY BOTH HAVE LARGE MUGS IN FRONT OF THEM AND A BOX OF KLEENEXES BETWEEN THEM. THEY LOOK TERRIBLE.

RED:

(reluctantly) Kitty, I think I'm sick.

KITTY:

(very sarcastically) No. Really, Red? Well, that must be how _I_ got sick.

RED:

(with an annoyed sigh) I'm sorry I got you sick.

KITTY:

(shrugs slightly) Oh, well. I had already defrosted the chicken, so I had to do _something_ with it. And chicken soup's just as good as anything else.

RED SCOOTS IN A LITTLE CLOSER TO KITTY AND PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HER, SOMEWHAT SHEEPISHLY.

RED:

You know, there's no one I'd rather sit in a bathrobe eating chicken soup with than you.

KITTY:

(with a small smile) I know that's the hot toddy talking, but I'll take it.

RED CHUCKLES AND GIVES KITTY A KISS ON THE CHEEK. SHE LAYS HER HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 6

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S BEDROOM, LATER THAT NIGHT. _"CRAZY LOVE" _BY VAN MORRISON PLAYS ON THE STEREO. THE LIGHTS ARE OFF AND THERE ARE SEVERAL LIT CANDLES ILLUMINATING THE ROOM. JACKIE AND HYDE ARE LAYING IN THE BED WITH NOTHING ON EXCEPT A SHEET PULLED OVER THE TOP OF THEM. JACKIE IS LAYING ACROSS THE BED WITH HER HEAD IN HYDE'S LAP.

JACKIE:

I can't believe you're letting me listen to this.

HYDE:

Yeah, well, you were screaming so loud I could barely hear it.

JACKIE:

(playfully slapping him) Steven!

JACKIE ROLLS OVER SO SHE IS LAYING ON HER SIDE. SHE PROPS HERSELF UP ON HER ELBOW SO SHE CAN LOOK AT HYDE.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

So, what did you learn about me?

HYDE:

(raising an eyebrow) That you are really, really hot.

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes) Not that. (she pauses, thinking, and then shrugs) Although that's true. Remember what Dr. Fontana said, about how we should use the six weeks to really get to know each other. (she pauses and runs a finger down Hyde's chest) Well, what did you learn about me?

HYDE:

(quickly, trying to think of something) Um ... (grins as he gets an idea) oh, I got one. I learned that I never wanna go six weeks without having sex with you again.

JACKIE:

(puts her hand on her heart, touched) Oh, Steven.

SHE STROKES HIS BEARD AND GIVES HIM A NERVOUS SMILE.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

I guess we should've used protection then, huh.

HYDE:

(looking a little uneasy) Come again?

JACKIE:

(quickly, trying to reassure him) Now don't freak out, baby. It's really unlikely that I would get pregnant while I'm still nursing.

HYDE SITS UP IN BED, HE LOOKS A LITTLE LIKE HE'S LOSING HIS ZEN.

HYDE:

(scooting away from Jackie) Yeah. How unlikely? As unlikely as, say, getting pregnant with twins?

JACKIE GIVES HYDE HER BEST POUT AND INCHES CLOSER TOWARDS HIM. HE RELENTS AND PULLS HER TOWARDS HIM.

HYDE:(cont'd)

Ah screw it, the damage is already done.

JACKIE GIGGLES AND HYDE PULLS THE SHEET OVER BOTH OF THEIR HEADS AS THEY LAY BACK DOWN.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

INT FORMAN KITCHEN, THE NEXT DAY. KITTY IS AT THE COUNTER POURING HERSELF A CUP OF COFFEE. SHE IS STILL IN HER BATHROBE, BUT SHE LOOKS A LITTLE BETTER. HYDE ENTERS THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR. HE LOOKS A LITTLE UNEASY.

HYDE:

Hey, Mom. Feeling better?

KITTY:

(with a smile) Yes, I am. Thank you, Steven.

HYDE SHIFTS NERVOUSLY AND HESITATES BEFORE GRINNING AT KITTY.

HYDE:

Um ... can I ask you a medical question?

KITTY:

(with a nod) Of course.

HYDE:

(stammering) So, what are the chances that a girl could, um ... get pregnant while she's, um, you know ...

KITTY:

(with a slightly irritated sigh) Oh, sweetie. Buy some condoms or buy some more diapers.

HYDE'S GRIN FALLS AND HE NODS, SOLEMNLY.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"You Should Be Dancing"

When Jackie finds out the disco in Kenosha is closing the gang decides to head back for one last spin on the dance floor.


	29. You Should Be Dancing

"You Should Be Dancing"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by the Bee Gees.

I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disaster that was Season 8. This would be episode 8-22.

Once again, listening to the music in this episode is highly recommended. Come on, it's fun! You know you love disco!

Thanks for the reviews! You guys are fabulous! Have fun at the disco!

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, MORNING. ERIC AND FEZ ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH AND KELSO IS IN THE LAWN CHAIR. THEY'RE WATCHING TV WHEN THE DOOR OPENS AND A VERY TIRED LOOKING HYDE STUMBLES IN. HE TAKES OFF HIS COAT AND HIS CLOTHES LOOK EVEN MORE RUMPLED THAN USUSAL.

ERIC:

(grinning at Hyde) Um, Hyde. I know you're really fond of Aerosmith and all, but you wore that tee shirt yesterday.

HYDE CROSSES TO HIS CHAIR AND SLUMPS DOWN INTO IT.

HYDE:

(very grouchy) I slept in my clothes last night. I was too freakin' tired to take my pants off. Prisoners of war get more sleep than I do. Every insomniac in Wisconsin gets more sleep than I do. People without eyelids get more sleep than I do.

ERIC:

(with a laugh) Dude, you're a mess. You really need to -

HYDE:

(interrupts Eric with a threatening glare) If you say, "get some sleep" I'm gonna shave both your eyebrows off.

ERIC:

(nervously) Never mind.

KELSO:

(with a dopey smile) Remember in "The Wall" when that dude shaved his eyebrows off. I didn't sleep for weeks. It freaked the hell out of me.

FEZ:

You know what freaks me out? Hyde and his stinky day-old tee shirt. (he laughs at his own joke) Ah, good burn, Fez.

THE DOOR FLIES OPEN AND JACKIE, CARRYING LAYLA RUNS IN, EXCITEDLY, FOLLOWED BY LAURIE AND DONNA, WHO IS CARRYING JAGGER.

JACKIE:

Oh my God, I have amazing news!

HYDE RISES FROM HIS CHAIR AND TAKES JAGGER FROM DONNA, THEN HE HEADS BACK OVER TO HIS CHAIR AND SITS BACK DOWN. JACKIE, WITH LAYLA, FOLLOWS HIM AND SHE SITS ON HIS LAP.

DONNA:

(shaking her head) It's not that amazing.

DONNA CROSSES TO ERIC'S SIDE OF THE COUCH AND SITS ON THE ARM. LAURIE DOES THE SAME ON FEZ'S SIDE.

LAURIE:

(giving Donna a bitchy look) It's _totally_ amazing.

DONNA:

Laurie, you think _Fez_ is amazing.

LAURIE:

(smugly) Fez is a love machine. (giving Donna a bitchy glare) And Eric is a botard.

DONNA:

Nice, Laurie. Really nice.

LAURIE:

I'm sorry to have to offend all the botards out there, but it's true.

DONNA STANDS UP AND WALKS IN FRONT OF THE COUCH TOWARDS LAURIE.

DONNA:

(points, threateningly, at Laurie) You better take that back, or else.

LAURIE STANDS UP AND SHE CROSSES CLOSER TO DONNA.

LAURIE:

(poking Donna on the shoulder) Or else, what?

DONNA:

(with a frown) Or else I'm gonna grab you by you giant Farrah hair-do and shove you into the deep freeze.

KELSO JUMPS UP, EXCITEDLY, AND PICKS UP THE COFFEE TABLE. THEN HE STEPS BACK GIVING DONNA AND LAURIE ROOM TO GO AT IT.

KELSO:

GIRL FIGHT! Everybody clear a little space.

HYDE:

Hey! No cat fights around my kids. (he frowns when he realizes what he has said) Oh my God, who said that?

JACKIE:

(irritated) _Hello!_ Doesn't anybody wanna hear my news?

ERIC:

(ignoring Jackie) Not really. Unless it's that you've got a kiddie pool filled with jell-o for the girl fight to take place in.

DONNA:

(rolling her eyes) Grow up, there's not gonna be a girl fight.

KELSO:

(with a pout) But I moved the coffee table and everything.

FEZ GETS UP OFF THE COUCH AND STEPS IN FRONT OF LAURIE TO FACE OFF WITH DONNA.

FEZ:

(to Donna) Are you afraid my Laurie would kick your ass?

ERIC GETS UP AND STEPS IN FRONT OF DONNA TO FACE OFF WITH FEZ.

ERIC:

(to Fez) No. She's afraid that Laurie might never recover from the ass whooping Donna would give her.

FEZ:

(points at Eric) Oh you better take that back, buddy.

ERIC:

(squaring off against Fez) Make me.

KELSO STEPS IN AND LOOKS BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN FEZ AND ERIC.

KELSO:

Um, guys, a dude fight's not as good as a chick fight so can you move so I can put the coffee table back.

EVERYBODY SITS BACK DOWN AND KELSO PUTS THE COFFEE TABLE BACK. LAURIE SNUGGLES INTO FEZ'S LAP AND THEY BEGIN RUBBING NOSES.

JACKIE:

(to everyone) Ok, _now_ are you ready to hear my news?

ERIC:

(very sarcastically) Well, there's no chick fight, Hyde's turned into a goody two shoes, and Fez and Laurie are groping each other. So, your news should just about make this the new worst day ever. (he smiles at Jackie) Go ahead.

JACKIE:

(dramatically) The disco in Kenosha is closing.

ERIC, HYDE AND KELSO ALL START CLAPPING.

HYDE:

(with a big grin) That's great news, baby. Thanks for sharing.

ERIC:

Way to turn this crappy day around, Jackie.

JACKIE:

(stares at the guys in disbelief) No. That's not good news. It's terrible.

HYDE:

According to who?

FEZ:

(with a pout) To those of us who love to boogie, that's who.

DONNA:

Tell them the rest of your, (doing air quotes) "amazing news", Jackie.

JACKIE REACHES INTO HER COAT POCKET AND HOLDS UP A HANDFUL OF TICKETS.

JACKIE:

(excitedly) I got us all tickets for the final night party this week-end.

ERIC, HYDE AND KELSO THINK ABOUT THE ANNOUNCEMENT FOR A MINUTE AND THEN THEY ALL FROWN.

ERIC, HYDE AND KELSO:

Boo!

JACKIE'S SMILE FALLS WHILE THE GUYS CONTINUE TO BOO.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, THAT AFTERNOON. HYDE IS ASLEEP IN RED'S CHAIR. HE HAS JAGGER ON HIS CHEST AND HE IS ALSO SLEEPING. JACKIE AND KITTY ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH PLAYING WITH LAYLA. KITTY SMILES AT HYDE WHEN SHE NOTICES HE IS ASLEEP.

KITTY:

(quietly) He looks so sweet when he's sleeping.

JACKIE:

I know. Don't you just wanna put some clean clothes on him and shave off his sideburns.

HYDE:

(with a scowl and without opening his eyes) I can hear you.

JACKIE:

(she frowns) Then he opens his mouth, and the moment is ruined.

HYDE OPENS HIS EYES AND SMIRKS AT JACKIE.

HYDE:

That's funny, I was just thinking the same thing about you.

RED, ERIC AND DONNA ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN.

KITTY:

Well there they are. How's the house coming along?

ERIC:

(putting his arm around Donna, proudly) We now, officially, have a basement. The foundation was poured this afternoon.

RED:

(with a smile) Kitty, it was the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. With every pound of cement poured, I could see Eric packing up his little toys and moving out of my house.

DONNA:

(chuckling) Red took the construction workers out for beers to celebrate.

RED FROWNS WHEN HE NOTICES THAT HYDE AND JAGGER ARE SLEEPING IN HIS CHAIR.

RED:

Why is Steven sleeping in my chair? I left specific instructions that this room is to be empty tonight. I wanna watch the hockey game in peace.

HYDE OPENS HIS EYES AND SHAKES HIS HEAD.

HYDE:

I'll sleep on your roof if it means people will just leave me alone.

ERIC:

(giving Hyde a teasing smile) Man, don't you have your own house?

RED:

(scowls at Eric) Don't you?

ERIC:

(he smile falls and he looks a little nervous) Well, a partial house. Really it's just a big, empty basement.

HYDE GETS UP AND HANDS JAGGER TO JACKIE, THEN HE HEADS TOWARDS THE KITCHEN DOOR.

JACKIE:

(calling after Hyde) Steven, where are you going?

HYDE:

(over his shoulder) To go sleep in Forman's empty basement.

HYDE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, THAT NIGHT. EVERYBODY HAS SOME SORT OF DRINK AND THERE ARE SOME SNACKS ON THE TABLE. RED IS IN HIS CHAIR. KITTY, BOB AND JOANNE ARE ON THE COUCH. DONNA, JACKIE, HOLDING LAYLA, AND LAURIE ARE SITTING ON THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF RED'S CHAIR. FEZ AND KELSO ARE SITTING ON THE PIANO BENCH. HYDE, HOLDING JAGGER, AND ERIC ARE STANDING BEHIND THE COUCH. ERIC IS PACING NERVOUSLY. EVERYONE IS GLUED TO THE TV AS THEY WATCH THE FINAL MINUTES OF THE U.S. PLAYING RUSSIA IN THE OLYMPICS. THE VOICE OF AL MIICHAELS AND THE CHEERS OF THE CROWD CAN BE HEARD COMING FROM THE TV.

RED:

(stunned) I can't believe we're winning. I can't believe we're beating those dirty commies. First Eric buys a house and now this. (he turns to Kitty and smiles) I'm a happy man, Kitty. I don't even care that there are a hundred damn kids in my living room.

ERIC:

(extremely nervous) Oh my freakin' God, this has been, like, the longest ten minutes of my life.

DONNA HAS A HAND OVER HER EYES LIKE SHE CAN'T WATCH. SHE PULLS ON JACKIE'S SHIRT TO GET HER ATTENTION.

DONNA:

I can't watch. Jackie, tell me what's happening.

JACKIE WATCHES THE TV AND TRIES TO DESCRIBE TO DONNA WHAT'S GOING ON.

JACKIE:

Ok, um, the big goons in the red jerseys are trying to get the puck from the big goons in the white jerseys.

DONNA, WITHOUT TAKING HER HAND OFF HER EYES, FROWNS.

DONNA:

Ok, wrong person to ask. (she turns towards Bob) Dad, what's happening?

BOB:

(ignoring Donna) Don't talk to Daddy right now, sweetheart. He's saying a prayer.

EVERYBODY BEGINS TO HOLLER, REACTING TO SOMETHING IN THE GAME.

KELSO:

(excitedly) Holy crap, he just totally slammed that commie into the boards.

HYDE:

(with a grin and a nod) That's good stuff. (holding up Jagger to talk to him) Jagger, you wanna play hockey, big man?

FEZ:

(with a huge smile) We are going to win!

EVERYONE TURNS AND GLARES AT FEZ. FEZ LOOKS VERY CONFUSED.

DONNA:

(angrily) What the hell, Fez?

LAURIE:

(frowning at Fez) You just jinxed us.

KITTY:

(quickly) You have to turn around three times, spit and then wait outside until the game is over.

FEZ:

(with a pout) But it is snowing.

KITTY:

(yells in a crazed voice) _DO IT!_

FEZ:

(frantically) Oh my God, ok!

FEZ PROCEEDS TO QUICKLY STAND UP, TURN AROUND THREE TIMES, THEN HE STOPS AND LOOKS AROUND, NERVOUSLY, FOR A PLACE TO SPIT.

HYDE:

(yells at Fez) Just _pretend_ to spit, moron!

FEZ:

(spastically) Stop yelling at me!

FEZ PRETENDS TO SPIT AND THEN RUNS OUT THE FRONT DOOR IN A HUFF.

ERIC:

(eyes glued to the TV) Ten seconds to go.

RED:

(quickly, to Hyde and Jagger) Jagger, you come sit with Grandpa Red because you are about to witness a miracle.

HYDE HANDS JAGGER TO RED. THE COUNTDOWN AND AL MICHAELS ARE HEARD COMING FROM THE TV.

ANNOUNCER:

Do you believe in miracles?

RED:

(yelling at the TV) Dammit, I just said that!

ANNOUNCER:

Yes!

ERIC:

(in disbelief) Holy Mary, mother of God! We won!

EVERYBODY JUMPS UP, ECSTATICALLY AND BEGINS CELEBRATING.

RED:

(with a huge smile) Take that commie bastards!

KELSO:

Man, I'm so proud to be an American! Hyde, toss me a good old American beer.

HYDE HEADS TO THE BAR AND BEGINS TOSSING OUT BEERS TO EVERYBODY. BOB STARTS TO GET A LITTLE TEARY.

JOANNE:

Bob, are you crying?

BOB:

That was so beautiful. I'm sorry, Red. I know I'm breaking your, "no crying in the house" rule.

RED:

(patting Bob on the back) Bob, I'm gonna let this one pass. Because that _was _beautiful.

FEZ:

(yelling through the door) Can I come back inside now? My nose hairs are starting to freeze.

EVERYONE IGNORES FEZ AND GOES BACK TO CELEBRATING.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY, LATER THAT NIGHT. THERE IS SNOW EVERYWHERE AND EVERYONE IS BUNDLED UP. FEZ, KELSO AND DONNA ARE PLAYING BOOT HOCKEY IN THE DRIVEWAY. ERIC AND HYDE, WITH HIS ARM AROUND JACKIE, ARE LEANING AGAINST THE CRUISER. LAURIE IS LEANING AGAINST THE BASKETBALL HOOP WATCHING FEZ PLAY HOCKEY.

KELSO:

Man, I am so pumped we beat the Russians!

ERIC:

(pensively) It almost inspires me to get up and do something competitive.

HYDE:

(to Eric) You could play a little boot hockey.

ERIC:

(with a shrug) Eh. It's so much work.

HYDE:

(grins at Eric) Beer drinking contest?

ERIC:

(to Hyde) It's like you can read my mind.

HYDE GRABS A SIX PACK OF BEER OFF THE CAR AND OFFERS IT TO ERIC, WHO GRABS ONE. THE HOCKEY GAME BREAKS UP AND EVERYBODY WANDERS TOWARDS THE CRUISER. HYDE BEGINS TOSSING OUT BEERS.

FEZ:

(taking Laurie's hand) I wish there was a contest Laurie and I could win.

JACKIE:

(giving Laurie and Fez a snarky look) Why don't you read the back of a Playboy, I'm sure you'll find something.

HYDE:

(smiling proudly at Jackie) Nice.

KELSO:

If there was a contest for hottest guy in Point Place, I'd win.

HYDE:

(to Kelso) If there was a contest for most trips to the free clinic you'd win that too.

FEZ:

(smiling) If there were a contest for best dancer, I would win.

DONNA:

(with a laugh) Only because nobody else would enter it.

JACKIE:

_I_ would. (she gasps and then gets a huge smile on her face) Oh my God, let's make the trip to the disco a dancing contest! The couple that wins can be, like, the gold medalists of disco dancing.

DONNA:

(rolling her eyes) Pfft. Lame.

ERIC:

(nodding in agreement) The lamest.

HYDE:

(with a wicked smirk) Maybe you don't wanna make it a competition 'cause you know Jackie and I are gonna win. 'Cause evil always wins.

ERIC:

Evil?

HYDE:

Yeah, it's - (indicating he and Jackie) evil, (indicating Eric and Donna) good, (indicating Fez and Laurie) and perverted.

ERIC:

Oh yeah? The U.S. just won, and they're not evil. So ... take that!

HYDE:

Forman, did you see how badass our hockey team was? (nodding) Face it, man, they're evil.

KELSO:

(with a dopey smile he nudges Eric) Hey guys, what about me? What kind of couple do I make?

HYDE:

Kelso, a couple means two people. You're 50 percent shy of a couple, man.

KELSO:

Ok, say I bring Brooke. Then what kind of couple do I make?

HYDE:

The kind where everybody goes, "why is she going out with him"?

KELSO:

(thinks about it, then nods in agreement) Yeah, that sounds right.

JACKIE:

(taunting Donna) So, what's it gonna be? In or chicken?

DONNA:

(points at Jackie) Oh we're in and we are _so_ gonna kick you guys' asses.

LAURIE:

(with a bitchy sneer) Please, people with no legs are better dancers than Eric. Fez and I are gonna beat all of you losers.

FEZ:

Thank you, my lovely. (he spins Laurie around and then dips her) There's just a little taste for you poor, sorry, cannot dance, losers.

HYDE:

So. Everybody in?

ERIC:

(getting a little worked up) Oh, it's _ON_, pal. (pointing at Hyde) And just so ya know - evil doesn't win. _Good_ always wins, my friend.

HYDE:

That's just in the movies, Forman. In real life - evil wins.

HYDE AND JACKIE GRIN, WICKEDLY AT THE REST OF THE GANG.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, A FEW MINUTES LATER. RED IS IN HIS CHAIR. KITTY, HOLDING JAGGER, JOANNE, HOLDING LAYLA, AND BOB ARE ON THE COUCH. THEY ALL STILL LOOK A LITTLE STUNNED AND RED HAS A HUGE SMILE ON HIS FACE.

RED:

That was amazing.

BOB:

(with a nod) That was super.

RED:

That was unbelievable.

KITTY:

I haven't seen Red this happy since ... (thinks for a few seconds then frowns) I've never seen Red this happy.

JOANNE:

(grinning at Red and Bob) You guys act like it was you out there on the ice.

RED:

If we would've been out there those commies would still be laying on the ice a bloody mess.

BOB:

That's true. (he smiles) Red likes his commies bloody.

JOANNE:

(teasing Bob and Red) Big talk from a couple of couch potatoes.

RED:

(gives Joanne an annoyed look) What?

JOANNE:

You guys care to test your competitive skills with a friendly game?

KITTY:

(excitedly) Ooh, we could play that new Trivial Pursuit.

BOB:

(with a pout) A thinking game? Couldn't we just go bowling or something?

RED:

(points at Joanne) You're on! Kitty and I against you two. (indicating Bob and Joanne)

BOB:

(smiles at Kitty) Will you make cheese puffs?

KITTY:

Sure, Bob.

BOB:

(shrugs) Ok, that will make losing not so bad.

THEY GO BACK TO WATCHING TV.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 6

INT. ERIC AND DONNA'S NEW HOUSE, THE NEXT AFTERNOON. ERIC AND DONNA ARE SITTING ON A COUPLE OF BUCKETS IN THEIR EMPTY BASEMENT. THERE IS LOTS OF CONSTRUCTION EQUIPMENT LAYING AROUND. THEY BOTH LOOK SO HAPPY AS THEY STARE AT THEIR NEW ROOM.

DONNA:

(with a huge smile) I can't believe we have a basement. Look at how beautiful the cement is.

ERIC:

(nodding) It really is. I don't think I've ever seen cement more perfect than this cement. (he looks at Donna) So why are we here? (suddenly excited) Oh my God, are we gonna do it on our new, freshly poured cement floor?

DONNA:

(with a laugh) Eric, it's like fifteen degrees in here.

ERIC:

Yeah, but it's 100 degrees in my loins, Donna.

DONNA STANDS UP AND TAKES ERIC'S HAND, PULLING HIM UP OFF OF HIS BUCKET AS WELL.

DONNA:

We are here ... to practice.

ERIC:

(confused) To practice ... (hopefully) doing it?

DONNA BENDS DOWN AND TURNS ON A SMALL TAPE PLAYER SITTING ON THE FLOOR. _"LET'S GROOVE" _BY EARTH, WIND AND FIRE PLAYS.

"_Move the boogie down, down the floor"_

ERIC:

(very annoyed) Oh what in the hell ...

DONNA:

I know, it sucks. But you know what sucks more?

ERIC:

(sarcastically) Um ... nothing?

DONNA:

(irritated) Losing another contest to Jackie and Hyde. (squishing up her face in disgust) Or _worse_ Laurie and Fez.

ERIC:

What about Kelso?

DONNA:

(rolling her eyes) Oh please, the only contest we're losing to Kelso is that free clinic visits thing.

ERIC:

(whining) But Donna, it's disco.

DONNA:

(poking Eric in the chest) Yeah, and guess what - you're doing it. 'Cause I am not listening to, (doing her Jackie imitation) "Donna, Steven and I rule. Donna, Steven and I win everything. Donna, Steven and I had sex for three hours last night", again.

ERIC:

Three hours? No wonder the guy's so tired. It's not his screaming kids, it's his nympho of a wife.

DONNA:

So. (she smiles) Are you in?

ERIC:

(giving Donna his best cheesy smile) Let's do this thing, baby. (yelling into the air) Kiss this contest goodbye, Jackie and Hyde!

ERIC GRABS DONNA'S HAND AND PULLS HER TO HIM. THEY BEGIN TO DANCE. THEY'RE DANCING A LITTLE AWKWARDLY AT FIRST BUT GRADUALLY ERIC GETS BETTER AND BETTER UNTIL ERIC BECOMES A LITTLE TOO CONFIDENT IN HIS DANCING AND BREAKS AWAY FROM DONNA, DOING A SOLO. DONNA WATCHES HIM WITH AMUSEMENT AT FIRST BUT AS ERIC GETS MORE AND MORE INTO IT SHE LOOKS A LITTLE IRRITATED. HE IS DANCING LIKE A COMPLETE SPAZ AND HE FINALLY REALIZES DONNA HAS STOPPED DANCING AND IS WATCHING HIM, WITH HER HANDS ON HER HIPS AND A SCOWL ON HER FACE. ERIC SMILES SHEEPISHLY, STOPS DANCING AND OFFERS A HAND TO DONNA. SHE TAKES HIS HAND AND THEY RESUME THEIR DANCING.

"_Gonna tell ya what you can do with my love, alright_

_Let you know, girl you're lookin' good_

_You're outta sight, alright_

_Just move yourself and glide like a 747_

_And lose yourself in the sky among the clouds in the heavens_"

CUT TO INT. BROOKE'S APARTMENT.

KELSO IS HOLDING BETSY AND TRYING TO DANCE WITH BROKE AT THE SAME TIME. BROOKE IS TRYING NOT TO LAUGH AT KELSO'S LACK OF RHYTHM. KELSO HANDS BETSY TO BROOKE AND THEN HE TRIES TO GET FANCY, SPINNING AND JUMPING, SPASTICALLY ALL OVER THE PLACE. HE ENDS UP TRIPPING OVER HIS OWN FEET AND FALLING FACE FIRST ONTO THE FLOOR. BROOKE BENDS DOWN AND HELPS HIM UP. KELSO TRIES TO PUT ON A TOUGH GUY ACT, LIKE HE MEANT TO FALL ON HIS FACE. BROOKE GIVES HIM A SMILE AND KISSES HIM SWEETLY ON HIS CHEEK. KELSO'S FACE LIGHTS UP AND HE DOES A FIST PUMP.

"_Let this groove, light up your fuse, it's alright, alright, alright_

_Let this groove, set in your shoes_

_So stand up, alright, alright_

_Let me tell ya what you can do with my love_, _alright_

_Gotta let you know, girl, you're lookin' good_

_You're outta sight, alright_

CUT TO INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S LIVING ROOM.

HYDE AND JACKIE ARE STANDING BY THE RECORD PLAYER THEY'RE EACH HOLDING UP RECORDS. THEY ARE ARGUING OVER WHICH ONE TO PLAY. FINALLY, JACKIE GIVES HYDE A BIG POUT AND PUPPY DOG EYES AND HE RELENTS, GRABBING JACKIE'S RECORD FROM HER. HE PUTS IT ON AND SHE BEGINS DANCING SEDUCTIVELY TO THE MUSIC. HYDE GETS A WICKED SMIRK ON HIS FACE AS HE WATCHES JACKIE DANCE. HE PULLS HER TO HIM AND THEY DANCE FOR A FEW SECONDS BEFORE JACKIE JUMPS UP AND WRAPS HER LEGS AROUND HYDE'S WAIST. THEY START MAKING OUT.

"_Just tell the DJ to play your favorite tune_

_Then you know it's okay_

_What you found is happening now_

_Let this groove, light up your fuse, it's alright, alright, alright_

_Let this groove set in your shoes_

_So stand up, stand up, alright_

CUT TO INT. LAURIE, FEZ AND KELSO'S APARTMENT.

FEZ AND LAURIE ARE WEARING SPANDEX WORKOUT CLOTHES AND THEY ARE BOTH SWEATING LIKE THEY HAVE BEEN DANCING HARD FOR HOURS. THEY ARE PERFORMING A CHOREOGRAPHED ROUTINE AND THEY ARE VERY GOOD. THEY BOTH LOOK INCREDIBLY SERIOUS. AS THE SONG TURNS INTO A ROBOTIC TYPE BEAT FEZ BEGINS HIS ROBOT DANCING AND LAURIE CONTINUES ON BY HERSELF PERFORMING HER OWN ROUTINE.

"_Let this groove get you to move, it's alright, alright, alright_

_Let this groove set in your shoes_, _so stand up, alright, alright_

_You will find peace of mind on the floor_

_Take a little time come and see you and me_

_Give a little sign_

_I'll be there after a while if you want my love_

_We can boogie_ _on down"_

CUT TO INT. ERIC AND DONNA'S NEW HOUSE.

ERIC AND DONNA ARE STILL DANCING TOGETHER. ERIC TWIRLS DONNA AND YANKS HER TO HIM WITH A GRIN.

ERIC:

If the U.S. can beat Russia, we can beat Jackie and Hyde.

DONNA:

(with a smile) Damn right.

"_Let's groove tonight_

_Share the spice of life_

_Baby, slice it right_

_We're gonna groove tonight_

ERIC AND DONNA CONTINUE DANCING.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. THE DISCO, A FEW DAYS LATER, NIGHTTIME. THE DISCO LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME. THERE ARE PEOPLE EVERYWHERE AND THE MUSIC IS LOUD. THE GANG MAKES THEIR WAY TO ONE OF THE TABLES. _"PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC" _BY WILD CHERRY IS PLAYING. HYDE AND ERIC LOOK IRRITATED TO BE THERE. BUT EVERYBODY ELSE IS LOOKING AROUND, EXCITEDLY.

HYDE:

(annoyed) I can't believe we're back here.

ERIC:

(gives Hyde a shrug) Yeah, but this time we're old enough to by alcohol so we may actually have fun.

FEZ:

(with a taunting smile) Ready to go down in flames, my friends? Laurie and I have a routine that cannot be beat.

ERIC:

(to everyone) Ok, how are we doing this contest thing? Is there like, a point system? 'Cause if there is I think Fez and Hyde should start with like, minus five. (stammering) Since they're ... you know, since they were born with rhythm.

FEZ:

(with a smile) Thank you, Eric.

HYDE:

(scowling) Fez, he's trying to punish us cause we're not white, man.

FEZ:

(turns to Eric and glares at him) Well then, I do not accept your white man's compliment, Eric.

KELSO:

I'm white and I've got rhythm.

KELSO STARTS DANCING SPASTICALLY, EVERYONE STARES AT HIM.

BROOKE:

(nervously) Oh my God, Michael, are you ok?

KELSO:

(confused) I'm fine.

JACKIE:

(watching Kelso) That's how he dances. (giving Brooke a grin) Have fun tonight, Brooke. Alright, there's the bar. Let's go, ladies.

JACKIE GRABS DONNA'S HAND AND STARTS TO PULL HER AWAY. DONNA STAYS PUT.

DONNA:

Can I at least take my coat off?

JACKIE:

(insistently) I haven't had a drink in eleven months, your coat can wait.

DONNA TAKES HER COAT OFF TO REVEAL SHE IS WEARING A VERY SEXY DRESS. THE GUYS ALL BEGIN APPLAUDING AND WHISTLING. DONNA JUST LAUGHS AND ROLLS HER EYES AT THE GUYS

ERIC:

(nodding his approval) Excellent choice, Donna.

HYDE:

(with a teasing smirk) I agree, Big Red.

LAURIE AND BROOKE TAKE THEIR COATS OFF TO REVEAL THEY ARE ALSO WEARING VERY SEXY DRESSES. AGAIN THE GUYS BEGIN WHISTLING AND HOOTING. LAURIE SMILES PROUDLY AND BROOKE LOOKS A LITTLE NERVOUS.

KELSO:

(with a huge, dopey smile) The disco is my new happy place.

FEZ:

(sighs, dreamily) What a glorious display of breasts.

DONNA:

You guys are all pervs, you know that right?

KELSO:

(proudly) We know, and we don't care.

FINALLY JACKIE TAKES HER COAT OF TO REVEAL A VERY LOW CUT DRESS, AND ALSO CLEAVAGE THAT WAS NEVER THERE BEFORE. THIS TIME THE GUYS JUST STARE AT JACKIE AND THEN GLANCE AT HYDE. THE GUYS ARE ALL TOO NERVOUS TO SAY A WORD. EXCEPT, OF COURSE, KELSO.

KELSO:

(excitedly) Holy crap! Jackie's all skinny again, but she got to keep the super big boobs. Hyde, you are one lucky son-of-a-bitch.

HYDE:

(to Kelso) Yeah. But you're not.

KELSO:

Why?

HYDE FROGGS KELSO REPEATEDLY.

HYDE:

(menacingly) That's why!

KELSO:

(rubbing his arm) OW! (with a pout) That's my boogieing arm, man. Now I can't do my Tony Manero moves.

ERIC:

Thank God for small favors.

A WAITRESS COMES UP TO THE TABLE.

WAITRESS:

(to the gang) Can I get you guys some drinks?

JACKIE PUSHES HER WAY THROUGH THE OTHERS TO THE WAITRESS.

JACKIE:

(with an exaggerated sigh) Thank God! (quickly) Eight beers, four tequilas and four raspberry kamikazes.

THE WAITRESS NODS AND HEADS OFF.

DONNA:

(smiling in shock at Jackie) Go, Jackie!

HYDE:

(with a shrug) I guess we're drinkin' tonight.

JACKIE:

(yelling after the waitress) And hurry it up!

"_BAD GIRLS" _BY DONNA SUMMER STARTS TO PLAY.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

(clapping, excitedly) Oh my God, I love this song! Let's dance.

JACKIE GRABS LAURIE BY THE HAND WHO GRABS DONNA BY THE HAND WHO GRABS BROOKE. ALL FOUR LADIES HEAD OUT TO THE DANCE FLOOR AND START TO DANCE. IMMEDIATELY THE LADIES HAVE THE ATTENTION OF ALL THE GUYS ON THE DANCE FLOOR.

HYDE:

(shaking his head with a scowl) Crap. I am gonna have to kick so much ass tonight.

ERIC:

(watching the girls dance with a goofy smile) I feel a little dirty watching them. They're so ...

KELSO:

(cutting Eric off) Jiggly.

ALL THE GUYS SMILE AND NOD AS THEY WATCH THE GIRLS DANCE.

FEZ:

(with a dreamy sigh) I love the disco.

THE GIRLS DANCE AWAY WHILE THE GUYS JUST SIT AND STARE.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, THAT NIGHT. RED, BOB AND JOANNE ARE GATHERED AROUND THE TABLE. THEY ALL HAVE A DRINK AND THERE IS FOOD AND A TRIVIAL PURSUIT BOARD LAYING OUT. KITTY COMES IN FROM THE LIVING ROOM.

KITTY:

Alright, Jagger, Layla and Betsy are all asleep. (with a smile) You should see the three of them, lined up in their cribs. It looks like a little orphanage up there.

RED:

(frowning at Kitty) We're never going to not have kids in this house, are we?

KITTY:

(smiles and shakes her head) Probably not.

RED:

(with a shrug) Well, as long as I know.

KITTY SITS DOWN NEXT TO RED.

BOB:

Alright, let's cut the chit-chat and get down to business. Let's play some Trivial Pursuit.

JOANNE:

(grinning at Red) May the best team win.

RED:

(to Joanne) Try not to be too disappointed when we do.

RED ROLLS THE DICE AND MOVE HIS GAME PIECE.

RED:(cont'd)

History. (with a cocky smile) Ask away.

JOANNE PULLS OUT A CARD AND FROWNS WHEN SHE SEES WHAT THE QUESTION IS. SHE READS IT, OUT LOUD, TO RED.

JOANNE:

"What country did Hitler invade on June 22nd, 1941?"

RED:

(with a chuckle) That's it? That's my question? (he turns to Kitty and smiles) Kitty, we're gonna win this game faster than Bob can eat those cheese puffs.

JOANNE:

(to Red) You got an answer, smart guy?

RED:

The answer is Russia.

KITTY:

(excitedly) Is he right?

RED:

Of course I'm right.

JOANNE:

(with a frown) That was an easy one.

BOB:

(nervously) That was easy?

RED:

(taunting Bob and Joanne) Why don't we just save you two the embarrassment and you can fold right now.

JOANNE:

Oh I don't think so. (urgently) Bob, roll.

BOB:

(hopefully shaking the dice) Come on ... sports.

BOB THROWS HIS DICE AND THEN MOVES HIS GAME PIECE. HE FROWNS WHEN HE SEES WHERE HE LANDS.

BOB:(cont'd)

Geography. Uh-oh.

KITTY:

(trying to help) Maybe it'll be a question about the geography of Wisconsin.

RED PULLS A CARD OUT OF THE BOX AND READS BOB HIS QUESTION.

RED:

(reading the question) "What countries border Morroco?"

KITTY:

(smiling weakly) Or not.

BOB LOOKS EXTREMELY NERVOUS AND RED GRINS AT HIM, TRIUMPHANTLY.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. DISCO, A SHORT WHILE LATER._"IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU" _BY YVONNE ELLIMAN IS PLAYING. JACKIE AND HYDE ARE DANCING AND SO ARE DONNA AND ERIC. KELSO IS DANCING VERY BADLY, WHILE BROOKE IS TRYING TO KEEP UP. HYDE IS DANCING BUT DOES NOT APPEAR TO BE HAVING A GOOD TIME. JACKIE POUTS AND RUNS HER HAND UP AND DOWN HYDE'S CHEST.

JACKIE:

Steven, you've gotta loosen up. You can't dance when you're all tense.

HYDE SCOWLS AS HE LOOKS AROUND THE DANCE FLOOR AT ALL THE GUYS LEERING AT JACKIE.

HYDE:

I can't loosen up when all these guys are staring at you. I have to be ready in case I need to knock somebody out.

JACKIE:

(giving Hyde a sexy smile) Well, if they're staring at me they're gonna be awfully sad when I do this.

JACKIE GRABS HYDE'S FACE AND PULLS IT TO HERS, KISSING HIM. JACKIE PULLS HER FACES A FEW INCHES AWAY FROM HYDE AND SMILES.

JACKIE:

(whispers to the music) _"If I can't have you, I don't want nobody, baby"_

HYDE:

(with a smirk and a raised eyebrow) Do it again.

JACKIE SMILES AND MOVES BACK IN TO HYDE, KISSING HIM AGAIN.

ERIC:

(watching Jackie and Hyde with annoyance) Look at them. (to Donna) Ok, they should lose points for constantly making out. We've got this in the bag, Donna.

ERIC PURPOSELY TWIRLS DONNA INTO JACKIE AND HYDE INTERRUPTING THEIR KISS.

ERIC:(cont'd)

(grinning) And _that's _how you do that.

HYDE:

Wow, Forman. (sarcastically) You're doing some fancy disco moves while I'm making out with my incredibly hot wife. Guess you really showed me.

ERIC:

Huh. (he frowns) It doesn't sound so great when you put it like that.

THE SONG CHANGES TO _"LADY MARMALADE" _BY LABELLE. THE CROWD PARTS AS LAURIE AND FEZ MAKE THEIR WAY THROUGH ALL THE PEOPLE TO THE MIDDLE OF THE DANCE FLOOR TO PERFORM THEIR ROUTINE. PEOPLE STOP DANCING TO WATCH FEZ AND LAURIE, WHO ARE VERY GOOD. KELSO LOOKS VERY CONFUSED BY THE WORDS OF THE SONG.

KELSO:

Boo-lay boo what? What the hell is that supposed to mean? (shaking his head, in irritation) It figures Fez would pick a song that isn't in English.

BROOKE:

(to Kelso, loudly, trying to be heard over the music) It means, "will you sleep with me tonight?"

KELSO:

(smiles excitedly at Brooke) _ABSOLUTELY!_

BROOKE LAUGHS AND KELSO THROWS HIS ARM AROUND HER AND SMILES.

ERIC:

(watching Laurie and Fez) Look at 'em go. Laurie's all twirly.

DONNA:

The four kamikazes probably helped.

KELSO:

(to Brooke) We can be twirly, can't we, Brooke?

BROOKE:

(smiles sweetly and pats Kelso on the arm) That's ok, Michael. Let's just keep doing what we're doing.

KELSO:

(with a pout) What's that mean?

HYDE:

(laughs at Kelso) It means she doesn't want you to twirl her into the speakers again, moron.

KELSO FROWNS AND WAGS HIS FINGER, SPASTICALLY AT HYDE.

KELSO:

Just go back to your making out and keep your opinions to yourself.

EVERYONE TURNS BACK TO WATCH LAURIE AND FEZ AGAIN.

FEZ:

(yelling to the gang) Kiss this, losers!

FEZ TURNS AROUND SO THAT HIS BACK IS FACING THE GANG AND HE BEGINS SHAKING HIS BUTT.

ERIC:

(horrified) Oh good God, make it stop.

THE REST OF THE GANG TURNS AWAY FROM FEZ'S GYRATING REAR END AND GOES BACK TO THEIR OWN DANCING.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, A COUPLE HOURS LATER. RED AND KITTY LOOK VERY PLEASED WITH THEMSELVES AND JOANNE AND BOB LOOK VERY ANNOYED. BOB GIVES JOANNE AN APOLOGETIC SMILE.

BOB:

I'm sorry I missed that last one, Jojo. But how am I supposed to know the name of Agatha Christie's first novel? (matter-of-factly) If they don't turn the book into a movie I figure it's not worth reading.

KITTY:

(clapping) My turn, my turn!

KITTY ROLLS THE DICE AND THEN MOVES HER GAME PIECE.

KITTY:(cont'd)

(with a smile) Ooh pink, well isn't that a pretty shade.

BOB GRABS A CARD OUT OF THE BOX.

BOB:

Alright, here's your question, (reading the card) "What actor portrayed C.K. Dexter Haven in the 1940 film, "The Philadelphia Story"?"

KITTY:

(looks stunned and then ecstatic) Oh my gosh, I know that. Red, I know the answer!

RED:

(quickly) Then tell him for God's sake.

KITTY:

(bouncing up and down in her chair) Cary Grant! It was Cary Grant!

BOB SIGHS SADLY AND RED AND KITTY CLINK GLASSES IN CELEBRATION.

RED:

Add another piece to our pie, Bob.

BOB:

(staring sadly at Red and Kitty's game piece) Aw jeez, look at their pie. It's all full of colors. And ours looks so sad.

KITTY:

(clapping excitedly) I got one right! (she points at Bob and Joanne) Take that, dumbasses!

EVERYONE LOOKS A LITTLE STUNNED AT KITTY'S OUTBURST. SHE LAUGHS, NERVOUSLY.

KITTY:(cont'd)

(smiling apologetically) I'm sorry, power makes me a little crazy.

JOANNE PICKS UP THE DICE FOR HER TURN.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 5

INT. DISCO, A SHORT WHILE LATER. ALL THE COUPLES ARE DANCING AND_"MISS YOU"_ BY THE ROLLING STONES BEGINS TO PLAY. HYDE GRINS AT THE CHANGE IN MUSIC.

HYDE:

(with a nod) Some good music, alright.

JACKIE:

(giving Hyde a sexy smile) Surprise, baby.

D.J.:

(talking into his microphone over the music) Now I know this isn't disco, but this hot little number begged me to play it for her husband and if you had seen this chick, fellas, you'd understand. So anyway, here's your song, Jackie. And if you ever get tired of that husband of yours, you can disco on over to me, hot stuff.

HYDE STOPS DANCING AND CLENCHES HIS JAW. HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO LOSE IT.

HYDE:

I'll kill him.

JACKIE:

(reaching up to stroke Hyde's beard) No, you won't. Your gonna use all that pent-up anger and we are gonna kick a little ass.

HYDE:

(pauses and then sighs) Fine. But _then_ I'm gonna kill the guy.

JACKIE:

(with a nod) Deal.

JACKIE AND HYDE GO BACK TO DANCING. NOW THAT HYDE APPROVES OF THE MUSIC HE IS GETTING INTO IT AND THEY'RE QUITE GOOD. THEY CAN'T SEEM TO TAKE THEIR EYES OFF OF EACH OTHER AND ARE PRESSED VERY CLOSELY TOGETHER. ERIC AND DONNA ARE DANCING NEXT TO THEM AND ERIC FROWNS WHEN HE SEES THEM DANCING.

ERIC:

(whiny) What the hell? This isn't disco. They can't do that. (yells to Jackie and Hyde) You can't do that.

HYDE:

(ignoring Eric as he stares at Jackie) Told you, man. Evil always wins.

JACKIE AND HYDE SEPARATE AS HYDE LETS GO OF JACKIE AND SHE SPINS A FEW STEPS AWAY FROM HIM. AS THE BEAT OF THE MUSIC TURNS VERY SEXY, JACKIE STROLLS TOWARDS HYDE GIVING HIM HER BEST, COME-HITHER LOOK. SHE MOUTHS THE WORDS, _"COME ON! COME ON!" _AND BECKONS HYDE TO HER WITH ONE FINGER IN-TIME WITH THE MUSIC.

"_Oh, everybody waits so long_

_Oh, baby why you wait so long_

_Won't you come on!_

_Come on!_"

THE GANG WATCHES AS HYDE TAKES ONE HUGE STRIDE AND REACHES JACKIE THEN PULLS HER IN, EXTREMELY CLOSE, AND BEGINS DANCING WITH HER. EVERYBODY LOOKS A LITTLE ANXIOUS.

KELSO:

(laughing like a little kid) Wow. That was hot.

FEZ GIVES THE GROUP A GUILTY SMILE AS HE GRABS LAURIE'S HAND AND STARTS PULLING HER AWAY.

FEZ:

(quickly) Excuse us. We'll be right back.

LAURIE:

(with a perverted smile) Well, not _right_ back.

ERIC WATCHES LAURIE AND FEZ AS THEY RUN OFF. HE FROWNS IN DISGUST.

ERIC:

Ok, may I say - eww and, oh yeah, gross.

DONNA GRABS ERIC AND YANKS HIM FORCEFULLY TOWARDS HER AND STARTS MAKING OUT WITH HIM. WHEN SHE FINALLY LETS GO OF HIM ERIC LOOKS A LITTLE STUNNED AND OUT OF IT.

DONNA:

(with a sexy smirk) Eric. Stop talking.

ERIC:

(his voice cracking) Long live disco.

ERIC AND DONNA BEGIN THEIR OWN CLOSE AND SEXY DANCE AND THEY'RE ALSO GOOD. DONNA LAUGHS AS ERIC SPINS HER AND THEN DIPS HER, WITH MOCK-MELODRAMA. WHEN SHE COMES BACK UP, ERIC LETS GO OF HER AND STRIKES HIS BEST "SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER" DISCO POSE. KELSO, WHO IS NOW ENGAGED IN HIS OWN VERY CLOSE DANCE, WITH BROOKE, LEANS OVER HIS SHOULDER TO WHISPER TO ERIC WHO IS STANDING BEHIND HIM.

KELSO:

(with a big, dopey smile) Told you, man - my new happy place.

ERIC NODS IN AGREEMENT AND ALL THE COUPLES CONTINUE THEIR VERY HEATED DANCES.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 6

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, LATE THAT NIGHT. AT THIS POINT JOANNE AND BOB LOOK FED-UP. RED HAS A COCKY SMILE AND KITTY LOOKS A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE.

RED:

You're up, Bob.

BOB:

(defeated) What's the point? There's no way we can win. All you guys need is one more piece and you win. We need ... (looking sadly at he and Joanne's game piece) a lot more than one piece.

JOANNE LINKS HER ARM THROUGH BOB'S AND SMILES AT HIM.

JOANNE:

Don't give up, Bob. It's not over til the strong woman sings.

KITTY:

(confused) I thought it was, "the fat woman".

JOANNE:

(shaking her head) That phrase is derogatory.

RED:

(grinning) So is, "we're kicking your ass" but it doesn't mean I'm not gonna use it.

KITTY:

(trying to be encouraging) Alright, Bob, roll the dice.

BOB ROLLS THE DICE AND THEN MOVES HIS GAME PIECE. HE LOOKS STUNNED AT WHERE HE HAS LANDED.

BOB:

(excitedly) Sports, I got sports! (with a big smile) I'm gonna get a little slice of pie!

KITTY TAKES A QUESTION OUT OF THE BOX AND READS IT TO BOB.

KITTY:

Ok, here's your question, "What woman won the gold medal in figure skating at the 1976 Winter Olympics?"

BOB:

(his smile falls) Ladies' sports? My question is about ladies' sports? That should be a separate category. (with a shrug) I don't know about ladies' sports. I only know about the good sports.

KITTY AND JOANNE GLARE AT BOB AND HE SLOWLY GIVES THEM AN APPREHENSIVE SMILE. RED LAUGHS AND BOB'S PREDICAMENT AND SHAKES HIS HEAD.

RED:

Bob, that comment just made this whole miserable night worth it.

BOB SIGHS AND TAKES A BIG DRINK OF HIS BEER AS RED CHUCKLES.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

INT. THE DISCO. _"HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE" _BY THE BEE GEES IS PLAYING AND ALL THE COUPLES ARE SLOW DANCING.

CUT TO JACKIE AND HYDE, JACKIE HAS HER HEAD ON HYDE'S CHEST. SHE LIFTS IT OFF TO LOOK AT HYDE AND GIVE HIM A BIG SMILE.

JACKIE:

(sweetly) Steven, thank you for coming to the disco with me.

HYDE:

(with a wicked grin) Thank_ you_ for wearing that dress.

JACKIE AND HYDE BEGIN TO KISS.

CUT BACK TO ALL FOUR COUPLES DANCING. DONNA AND ERIC ARE RIGHT NEXT TO JACKIE AND HYDE, DONNA ROLLS HER EYES WHEN SHE SEES JACKIE AND HYDE GOING AT IT. SHE TAPS JACKIE ON THE SHOULDER AND JACKIE AND HYDE BREAK THEIR KISS.

DONNA:

(frowning at Jackie) Alright, break it up. This isn't the frenching festival. (to everyone) Who won the contest?

DONNA LOOKS AROUND AND REALIZES THAT ALL FOUR GUYS ARE STARING AT THEIR GIRLS.

FEZ:

(staring at Laurie's chest) Who cares? Look at all the glorious cleavage on our beautiful ladies.

ERIC:

(staring at Donna) Let's just call it a tie. (with a perverted smile) I think we're all gonna be winners tonight.

DONNA JUST SHAKES HER HEAD AND PLAYFULLY SWATS ERIC. ALL FOUR COUPLES RESUME THEIR SLOW DANCE.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"Beautiful Child"

The twins are getting baptized and Hyde has one minor problem with the situation.


	30. Beautiful Child

"Beautiful Child"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Fleetwood Mac.

I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disaster that was Season 8. This would be episode 8-23.

Thanks to everyone who has continued to read and review! I keep saying it, but it's true - I really appreciate it.

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S BEDROOM., MORNING. HYDE AND JACKIE ARE IN BED. HYDE IS ASLEEP AND JACKIE IS LAYING ACROSS HIS CHEST, RUNNING HER FINGERS UP AND DOWN HIS STOMACH.

JACKIE:

(quietly) Steven ... Steven ... wake up, baby.

HYDE STIRS A BIT AND WRAPS HIS ARMS AROUND JACKIE PULLING HER IN TOWARDS HIM.

HYDE:

(opening his eyes and smirking at Jackie) Alright, my favorite thing to do in the morning. And the afternoon. And at night. And any time in between.

HYDE STARTS KISSING JACKIE.

JACKIE:

(in between kisses) Come on, get up. We're going to church this morning.

HYDE BREAKS THEIR KISS AND GIVES JACKIE A VERY WICKED GRIN.

HYDE:

Then let's get a little dirty so we have something to apologize to God for.

JACKIE:

(coyly) Oh, I think we've done plenty of dirty things in our lives.

HYDE:

There can always be more.

HYDE RESUMES HIS KISSING AND JACKIE TRIES, UNSUCCESSFULLY TO PULL AWAY.

JACKIE:

Steven ... Steven, come on.

HYDE:

(starting to get irritated) Jackie, this is ridiculous. I'm not goin' to church.

JACKIE SITS UP IN BED AND POUTS.

JACKIE:

Fine. But _I_ am, and I'm taking the babies too.

HYDE SITS UP.

HYDE:

What? Why?

JACKIE:

Because, I don't want them to grow up to be sinners and go to hell.

HYDE:

Why not? We'll be there. It'll be like, a nice little family reunion.

JACKIE:

(sighs, completely exasperated) What am I gonna do with you?

HYDE:

(with a wicked grin) Are you taking requests? Because I've got an idea.

JACKIE ROLLS HER EYES AND THEN GIGGLES AS HYDE ROLLS OVER ON TOP OF HER AND THEY START MAKING OUT.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, EARLY AFTERNOON. RED IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR DRINKING A BEER AND WATCHING TV. HYDE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN, HEADS OVER TO THE COUCH AND SITS DOWN.

RED:

(without looking away from the TV) Where's your wife?

HYDE:

(flatly) Church. Where's Mom?

RED:

Church.

HYDE GRINS AND TURNS TO LOOK AT RED.

HYDE:

Where's the beer?

RED REACHES DOWN TO THE FLOOR AND HOLDS UP A SIX PACK OF BEER. WITHOUT EVER LOOKING AWAY FROM THE TV RED PULLS A BEER OFF AND TOSSES IT TO HYDE. HYDE CRACKS OPEN HIS BEER AND TAKES A DRINK, THEN HE SETTLES BACK INTO THE COUCH AND LOOKS AT RED.

HYDE:(cont'd)

So. This is what married guys do on Sundays, huh?

RED:

In the fall we get to add football to the mix. (he turns to Hyde and grins) That's when it gets really fun.

HYDE NODS HIS APPROVAL AND THEY BOTH TURN THEIR ATTENTION BACK TO THE TV

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. THE CHURCH BASEMENT, THE SAME TIME. MASS HAS JUST LET OUT AND PEOPLE ARE WANDERING AROUND HAVING COFFEE AND TALKING. THERE ARE TABLES SET UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM WITH SOME FOOD ON THEM. KITTY, HOLDING JAGGER, AND JACKIE, HOLDING LAYLA, WANDER IN. THEY'RE FOLLOWED BY LAURIE AND DONNA WHO ARE TALKING AND FEZ AND ERIC WHO ARE SMACKING EACH OTHER BACK AND FORTH LIKE THEY'RE PLAYING TAG. BOB AND JOANNE BRING UP THE REAR OF THE GANG. PASTOR DAVE APPROACHES THEM ALL WITH A BIG SMILE.

PASTOR DAVE:

Well, hello there, Forman, Pinciotti, Hyde families.(looking around, he frowns) I see we're short a Forman and a Hyde.

KITTY:

(smiling nervously at Dave) You know Red, he prefers to do his praying in his chair with a beer and the clicker.

JACKIE:

(trying to think of what to say) Umm ... Steven would've been here but he's ... feeding bums.

DONNA:

(leans in and whispers to Jackie) Lying to Pastor Dave, Jackie? Hyde would be so proud.

PASTOR DAVE:

Donna, Eric, don't forget we have pre-marital counseling next week.

ERIC:

(a little whiny) Are you sure Pastor Dan can't make it? I'd really like to get his take on this new "Star Wars" movie that's coming out?

DONNA TURNS TO ERIC AND SHAKES HER HEAD, IRRITATED.

DONNA:

Eric, you need help.

DONNA WALKS OFF TOWARDS THE TABLES. ERIC, REALIZING HIS MISTAKE STARTS TO FOLLOW HER.

ERIC:

(with a fake smile he calls after Donna) But, of course, I wanna talk about the wonders of marriage as well.

AS DONNA AND ERIC REACH THE TABLES, A COUPLE OF WOMEN ARE SETTING OUT TRAYS OF DONUTS. FEZ NOTICES AND BEGINS CLAPPING, EXCITEDLY.

FEZ:

The donuts have arrived! (he gives Laurie his best sexy stare) Come, my lovely, I will find you a jelly.

LAURIE SMILES AT FEZ AND THEN TURNS TO GIVE THE GANG A PROUD GRIN.

LAURIE:

Isn't he the best!

FEZ HEADS TOWARDS THE DONUT TABLE TAKING LAURIE'S HAND AND PULLING HER ALONG BEHIND HIM.

BOB:

(calling after Fez) Hey, grab me a Danish before the choir gets 'em all. And get Jojo a Bismark.

JOANNE:

(taking Bob's arm) Oh Bob, you know my favorite donut. You're such a gentleman.

BOB AND JOANNE FOLLOW FEZ AND LAURIE. PASTOR DAVE HEADS OVER TO KITTY, JACKIE AND THE BABIES. HE STARTS MAKING GOOFY FACES AT THE TWINS.

PASTOR DAVE:

Well, aren't they the coolest little things. (he nods, approvingly at the twins) Groovy hair. (to Jackie) Did they like coming to church?

JACKIE:

I think so, you put them right to sleep.

PASTOR DAVE:

(a little sadly) I have that effect on people.

KITTY'S FACE LIGHTS UP LIKE SHE HAS JUST GOTTEN THE BEST IDEA.

KITTY:

(excitedly) Jackie, do you know what would be wonderful, you should have the twins baptized.

PASTOR DAVE:

(nodding in agreement) I think that's a super idea.

JACKIE:

(apprehensively) I don't think Steven will go for that.

PASTOR DAVE:

(with a dorky smile) You know who loves baptisms? (a beat) Jesus. He loves anything to do with water, really. He likes walking on it, turning it into wine ... wouldn't he have been a great guy to have at a party?

KITTY:

Jackie, I think you're underestimating Steven. He may love the idea. He can be very surprising sometimes. (getting excited) Ooh, for example, I've seen him making goofy faces at the twins when he thinks no one's watching.

PASTOR DAVE:

You know who's always watching? (a beat) Jesus.

KITTY AND JACKIE STARE BLANKLY AT PASTOR DAVE. DAVE SMILES, UNCOMFORTABLY, AT THEM.

PASTOR DAVE:(cont')

(nervously) I'll just let you two talk alone.

PASTOR DAVE HEADS OVER TO THE DONUT TABLE.

JACKIE:

Mrs. Forman, Steven's not much of a church person. (a little embarrassed) I just thought it might be something nice we could do as a family, you know. I always wanted to come to church with my family when I was little. But ... um ... my parents were really busy.

KITTY:

(giving Jackie a smile) I think it's a wonderful idea for you to bring the twins to church. And I'm sure Steven won't mind them getting baptized. We'll just point out to him all the _good_ things about going church. Like bingo, and the Fall Festival, and God's Magic Circle, and bake sales. (with a wave of her hand) And we'll just skip over all the things that make him go a little crazy and start talking about conspiracies.

JACKIE:

(with a small smile) Ok. Thanks, Mrs. Forman.

KITTY:

(sweetly) You know, sweetie, it's nice to have a little bit of faith. Faith can make the really hard days a little bit better. (getting excited) Plus, if you start bringing the twins to church one of them can play Baby Jesus in the Christmas Pageant next winter. They'll be celebrities!

JACKIE GIVES A SMALL LAUGH AND KITTY TAKES HER HAND LEADING HER TO THE DONUT TABLE TO JOIN THE OTHERS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, A SHORT WHILE LATER. KELSO AND HYDE ARE SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE HAVING A BEER. RED WALKS IN FROM THE LIVING ROOM AND HEADS TO THE FRIDGE.

KELSO:

(to Hyde) Jackie really went to church?

HYDE:

(with a nod) Yep. Apparently we're all sinners.

KELSO:

Yeah, but that's what makes us so fun.

RED GRABS A BEER OUT OF THE FRIDGE.

RED:

(to Hyde and Kelso) They tell you they go to church because they're bettering their souls. They're not, they just wanna catch up on all the gossip and have some free donuts.

KITTY ENTERS THROUGH THE SCREEN DOOR CARRYING JAGGER. SHE IS FOLLOWED BY ERIC AND JACKIE WHO IS HOLDING LAYLA.

KITTY:

(excitedly) Red, you'll never believe what I heard in church this morning. Janet Meyers is back in AA.

ERIC:

_And, _they had sprinkled donuts today.

RED TURNS TO HYDE AND KELSO AND GRINS.

RED:

See.

RED EXITS INTO THE LIVING ROOM AS KITTY HANDS JAGGER TO HYDE AND THEN HEADS TO THE FRIDGE. JACKIE SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE NEXT TO HYDE AND GIVES HIM A QUICK KISS.

JACKIE:

Steven, I need to talk to you about something.

KELSO:

(throwing his hands up in the air) I knew it! She's knocked up again. Everybody pay up!

HYDE:

(to the guys) You guys bet on Jackie being pregnant?

ERIC SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE.

ERIC:

Hyde, we've been over this. We bet on sure things.

JACKIE:

(irritated, to the guys) Excuse me, I'm not pregnant.

HYDE:

(to Jackie) You're not?

JACKIE:

No. (a beat) Well, not that I know of anyway.

ERIC:

(grinning at Hyde) That is an _awesome_ answer, because it's a long drawn out burn.

KELSO:

(excitedly) That's a Slinky burn.

JACKIE HESITATES FOR A MOMENT AND THEN TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND SMILES, EXCITEDLY, AT HYDE.

JACKIE:

I wanna have the twins baptized.

HYDE:

(very sarcastically) Gee, Jackie, that'll be swell. Then we can all hop on a unicorn and ride to the White House where we'll sit down for tea with the President. (he frowns and then blows a raspberry in Jackie's face) Who's dumb idea was this?

KITTY HEADS TO THE TABLE AND ANGRILY SLAMS DOWN A PLATE OF SANDWICHES.

KITTY:

It was my idea, Mr. Snarky Mouth.

HYDE STARTS TO GIVE A SARCASTIC COMMENT, BUT KITTY GIVES HIM HER BEST "DON'T YOU DARE" LOOK. HYDE SIGHS IN DEFEAT.

HYDE:

(quietly) Crap.

ERIC:

(giving Hyde a taunting smile) Where's you smart-ass comment now, tough guy?

KITTY:

(sweetly) Steven, I know you're not as cynical as you want us all to think you are. You were such a wonderful "Joseph" in the Christmas Pageant.

ERIC:

(nodding) She's right, man. You were a good Joseph.

HYDE:

(with a shrug) It was the beard. It just works on me, man.

JACKIE:

(exasperated) Can we get back to the twins, please?

HYDE:

Look, Jackie, I'm not saying I don't believe in God, I'm just saying I don't wanna make my kids believe in something just cause it's what everybody says they should do.

JACKIE:

(throwing up her hands in frustration) What's wrong with believing in something?

HYDE:

(curtly) Nothing. I believe in lots of things. I believe the government is out to get us, I believe Eric Clapton has supernatural powers, (he twirls his finger around and points at Jackie) and I believe _you_ are the hottest chick in the whole world. (he grins)

JACKIE:

(cocks her head and grins at Hyde) Really?

HYDE GIVES HER A WINK AND A NOD.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

Oh, Steven, that's so ... (she frowns as she realizes what Hyde's trying to do) wait a minute ... don't try and distract me.

ERIC:

(quietly, to Hyde) Nice try, man. I really thought you had her.

JACKIE:

(a little snotty) Steven, this is what I want to do.

HYDE:

(starting to get worked up) Jackie, we're not forcing the twins to believe in something just so you can gossip and eat donuts.

JACKIE LOOKS A LITTLE HURT. SHE STANDS UP AND STORMS INTO THE LIVING ROOM, KITTY FOLLOWS HER. ERIC LOOKS A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE AND KELSO IS LOST IN HIS OWN LITTLE WORLD. HYDE SIGHS, ANGRILY, KNOWING HE WENT TO FAR.

KELSO:

(very whiny) Can I _please_ be a Space Wiseman in the Christmas Pageant this year?

HYDE TURNS TO KELSO AND GLARES. KELSO JUST SHRUGS, TOTALLY LOST.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, A FEW MINUTES LATER. THE CIRCLE

CUT TO FEZ WITH LAURIE SITTING NEXT TO HIM

FEZ:

(with a sigh) Ah, what a lovely day. My soul feels lifted, my stomach is full of jelly donuts and my head is spinning like a tilt-a-whirl.

LAURIE:

(very spaced-out) I love going to church. It's the perfect time for me to think of all the horrible things I used to do. Oh, and I also do my nails.

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

(pouting) Man, I'll be so glad when Donna and I have our own house and I don't have to go to church any more. Church makes me angry. Stand up, sit down, stand up, sit down. (his voice cracking in agitation) Make up your mind!

CUT TO DONNA

DONNA:

Eric, you're still goin' to church after we move in together.

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

(very whiny) What? Why?

CUT TO DONNA

DONNA:

Because if _I_ have to be miserable, _you_ have to be miserable. That's the way marriage works.

CUT TO KELSO

KELSO:

(his mouth hanging open) You know what the best part of church is? The part where you drink booze. Any place that has booze is ok by me.

CUT TO FEZ AND LAURIE

FEZ:

Church has booze, music _and_ donuts. (excitedly) Add in a disco ball and you've got yourself one wild and crazy party.

CUT TO KELSO

KELSO:

(with a dopey laugh) Throw in some chicks with low self-esteem and you've got a letter to Penthouse.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 6

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, THAT NIGHT. KELSO AND BROOKE ARE ON THE COUCH PLAYING WITH BETSY. HYDE ENTERS FROM THE BASEMENT DOOR. HE LOOKS A LITTLE SURPRISED TO SEE THEM.

HYDE:

Hey, what are you guys doin' here?

BROOKE:

(with an awkward smile) Well, we were at Michael's, (very unsure what to say) but then Fez and Laurie were ... um.. they were ...

KELSO:

(with a laugh) They were totally _doin' it_!

BROOKE:

(embarrassed) _Michael._

KELSO:

What's the big deal? (indicating he and Brooke) We've done it. (he points to Hyde) Hyde does it.

HYDE:

(nods, with a big smirk on his face) Every chance I get, man.

BROOKE:

(quickly, trying to change the subject) So, Michael tells me that the twins are getting baptized.

HYDE:

(flatly) That's what I've been told.

BROOKE:

Then, I take it this wasn't your idea?

HYDE:

(with a nod) If it doesn't involve getting into a lot of trouble, it usually means it's not my idea.

KELSO:

(to Hyde) Why are you makin' such a big deal about this, man? It's just a little bit of water, it's not like Pastor Dave is gonna toss the twins into a swimming pool.

HYDE:

(scowling at Kelso) I know that, moron. I just don't understand why Jackie wants to do it.

BROOKE HESITATES FOR A MOMENT AND THE N LEANS IN TOWARDS HYDE AND TRIES TO HELP,

BROOKE:

(sweetly) Maybe she just wants the babies to have all the things you and she didn't have. Like a sense of community and a belief in something.

KELSO:

(smiling, proudly, at Brooke) Isn't she super smart!

BROOKE SEEMS A LITTLE EMBARRASSED AT KELSO'S COMPLIMENT SO SHE TURNS BACK TO HYDE AND CONTINUES.

BROOKE:

(cautiously) I'm just saying, you and Jackie didn't exactly have the best childhoods and maybe this is just one of the things she wants your kids to have that you two didn't.

HYDE LOOKS AT BROOKE REALIZING SHE IS CLEARLY RIGHT. HE SHIFTS NERVOUSLY IN HIS SEAT.

HYDE:

(Zen) Whatever.

KELSO:

(to Brooke) He says that when he knows he's wrong.

HYDE QUICKLY GETS UP FROM HIS CHAIR AND HEADS TOWARDS THE STAIRS.

HYDE:

(over his shoulder) Whatever.

HYDE STORMS UP THE LIVING ROOM STAIRS AS KELSO AND BROOKE WATCH HIM GO.

CUT TO INT. FORMAN KITCHEN IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING. JACKIE IS ON THE PHONE AND LEANING ON THE COUNTER. HYDE ENTERS FROM THE BASEMENT AND HANGS BACK BY THE WALL, LISTENING TO JACKIE'S CONVERSATION. JACKIE HAS NO IDEA THAT HE IS THERE.

JACKIE:

(talking into the phone) I know you're busy, Mom. I just thought since you hadn't even seen the twins yet maybe you'd like to come if we decide to baptize them. (she pauses) It would really mean a lot to me. (a pause while she listens to Pam) Ok ... sure, maybe some other time. Just forget about it.

HYDE CLENCHES HIS JAW LOOKING EXTREMELY PISSED. JACKIE SLOWLY LOWERS THE PHONE DOWN FROM HER EAR AND HOLDS IT AT HER CHEST, THEN SHE STARTS TO CRY. AFTER A FEW SECONDS SHE TURNS AROUND TO HANG UP THE PHONE AND THEN SEES HYDE STANDING THERE.

HYDE:

(a little awkwardly) Hey. Who was on the phone?

JACKIE:

(trying to wipe her eyes) Wrong number.

JACKIE HANGS THE PHONE BACK UP THE HOOK AND HYDE CROSSES TO HER.

HYDE:

A wrong number made you cry?

JACKIE:

(defensively) I'm a sensitive person, Steven.

HYDE:

You know, (he clears his throat and shifts, clearly uncomfortable with what he's about to say) I've been thinkin' and I guess ... you know ... (he shrugs, trying to be nonchalant) if you really want to, it's ok to baptize the twins.

JACKIE:

(a smile slowly spreading across her face) Oh Steven, do you mean it?

HYDE:

(with a shrug) Why not? It means a party, and party means cake and beer. And cake and beer are alright by me.

JACKIE:

(raising an eyebrow at him in accusation) Steven ...

HYDE:

(sighs in irritation) Fine. And I guess it would be ok for the twins to you know ... learn about God and stuff. (he points at Jackie) As long as when they're older you respect their decisions to believe what they want.

JACKIE:

(quickly nodding) Absolutely. Ooh, as long as they don't join one of those cults where they shave their heads and drink poisonous Kool Aid.

HYDE:

(nodding) Yeah, I'm not ok with that either.

JACKIE GIVES HYDE A VERY SWEET SMILE AND THEN REACHES UP TO STROKE HIS BEARD.

JACKIE:

(sincerely) Thank you, Steven.

HYDE:

You're welcome.

THEY KISS AND THEN JACKIE PULLS BACK AND GIVES HYDE A COY SMILE.

JACKIE:

If you would've held out one more day I was gonna do that thing you like so much.

HYDE:

(with a sexy smirk) Oh you're still doin' that.

JACKIE LAUGHS AND LEANS BACK IN TO GIVE HYDE ANOTHER KISS.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, TWO DAYS LATER, DINNERTIME. RED, ERIC AND HYDE ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE EATING DINNER. KITTY IS PUTTING MORE FOOD OUT. JACKIE ENTERS THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR HOLDING A BABY IN EACH ARM AND A LARGE SHOPPING BAG.

JACKIE:

(breathless) I'm here, I'm here.

HYDE GETS UP FROM HIS SEAT AND HEADS OVER TO JACKIE. SHE GIVES HIM A QUICK KISS AND HE TAKES JAGGER FROM HER. THEN HE HEADS BACK TO HIS CHAIR AND SITS DOWN.

KITTY:

(in a silly baby voice) Come see Gwandma Kitty, wittle baby girl.

KITTY HOLDS OUT HER HANDS FOR LAYLA AND JACKIE GIVES THE BABY TO KITTY. JACKIE SETS HER SHOPPING BAG ON THE COUNTER AND THEN HEADS TO THE FRIDGE.

RED:

(annoyed) Kitty, please, I'm trying to eat.

KITTY:

(talking to Layla) Is Gwampa Wed cwabby? Yes he is. Yes he is.

KITTY LAUGHS AND RED PUTS DOWN HIS FORK AND STARES AT KITTY, SHAKING HIS HEAD.

RED:

God help us. She's finally snapped.

KITTY:

(to Jackie) What's in the bag, sweetie?

HYDE:

(matter of factly) Clothes.

KITTY:

(to Hyde) Now how do you know that?

HYDE:

'Cause it's always clothes.

JACKIE GRABS A POP OUT OF THE FRIDGE AND THEN HEADS OVER TO HER SHOPPING BAG AND STARTS RUMMAGING THROUGH IT.

JACKIE:

(excitedly) Steven, wait til you see what I got for the twins.

ERIC:

(in a very effeminate voice) Yeah, Steven, it's super fabulous.

HYDE:

Here, Forman, (he hands Jagger to Eric) make yourself useful.

ERIC:

Oh that ship sailed long ago, pal.

HYDE GETS UP AND HEADS OVER TO JACKIE.

JACKIE:

Take a look at ... _these!_ (she pulls two white baptismal gowns out of her bag and holds them up for everyone to see) Ta da!

SHE HANDS THE DRESSES TO STEVEN AND THEN SHE HEADS OVER TO JAGGER WITH SOMETHING IN HER HANDS.

HYDE:

Jackie, tell me you didn't buy Layla a miniature wedding gown and prom dress.

JACKIE IS KNEELING IN FRONT OF JAGGER AND ERIC AND SHE IS DOING SOMETHING TO THE BABY THAT WE CAN'T SEE.

JACKIE:

(over her shoulder to Hyde) Don't be ridiculous. They're baptismal gowns.

HYDE:

(looking at the dresses, confused) Ok, so why did you buy Layla two?

JACKIE:

They're not both for Layla. One's for Jagger.

HYDE LOOKS VERY CRANKY AS REALIZATION STARTS TO SET IN.

HYDE:

No way, there's no way my son's wearing a dress.

KITTY:

(dismissivly) Steven, all babies get baptized in a dress.

RED:

(scowling at Eric) And then they grow up and put them back on on their eighteenth birthday.

ERIC:

Ok, to be fair. I didn't put it on myself. (he points at Hyde) _He_ put it on me.

JACKIE:

(talking to Jagger in a baby-talk voice) Ok, show Daddy how handsome you are.

JACKIE BACKS UP FROM ERIC REVEALING JAGGER WEARING A FRILLY WHITE BONNET. JACKIE LOOKS EXTREMELY PROUD OF HERSELF AND KITTY CLAPS EXCITEDLY. HYDE LOOKS PISSED AND RED WATCHES IT ALL WITH AMUSEMENT.

ERIC:

(taunting Hyde) Awww, baby Jagger's first burn on Daddy.

JAGGER STARTS TO CRY.

HYDE:

Great. See, he does _not_ wanna wear this.

HYDE CROSSES TO ERIC AND TAKES JAGGER FROM HIM. THEN, HYDE PULLS THE BONNET OFF THE BABY'S HEAD.

JACKIE:

(with a bratty smile) That's because he inherited your bad taste in clothing, Steven.

HYDE:

It's not gonna happen, Jackie. I'm putting my foot down.

JACKIE:

(with a gasp) Ooh, that reminds me.

JACKIE HEADS BACK TO HER SHOPPING BAG AND PULLS OUT TWO PAIRS OF BABY BOOTIES THAT SHE HOLDS UP FOR EVERYONE TO SEE.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

(in a sing-song voice) Matching booties!

HYDE GLARES AT JACKIE WHILE ERIC LAUGHS SO HARD HE COLLAPSES ONTO THE TABLE.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, THE NEXT AFTERNOON. THE GANG IS WATCHING TV ERIC IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WITH HIS ARM AROUND DONNA, KELSO IS NEXT TO THEM. FEZ IS SITTING IN THE LAWN CHAIR AND HE HAS LAURIE ON HIS LAP. JACKIE IS AT THE LAUNDRY MACHINE FOLDING SOME CLOTHES. HYDE ENTERS THROUGH THE BASEMENT DOOR. AS SOON AS HE COMES IN HE STOPS AND LOOKS AT EVERYONE, LIKE HE'S WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO HAPPEN. EVERYONE IGNORES HIM AND JUST KEEPS WATCHING TV. WHEN NOBODY REACTS TO HYDE, HE WALKS INTO THE ROOM HEADS OVER TO JACKIE AND GIVES HER A KISS.

HYDE:

Where are the babies?

JACKIE:

They went to the super market with Grandma Kitty.

HYDE AGAIN LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM WAITING FOR THE GROUP TO DO SOMETHING. WHEN NOTHING HAPPENS HYDE CROSSES TO HIS CHAIR AND SITS DOWN. AFTER HYDE SITS, KELSO STARTS FIDDLING WITH SOMETHING UNDERNEATH HIS COUCH CUSHION. HE STANDS UP ON THE COUCH AND THEN PROCEEDS TO SIT ON TOP OF THE BACK OF IT.

KELSO:

Hey Hyde, (he pulls out one of the babies' bonnets from underneath him and puts it on his head) who am I? (taunting Hyde) I'm your son!

EVERYONE BURSTS OUT LAUGHING EXCEPT FOR HYDE, WHO LOOKS SERIOUSLY PISSED AND JACKIE WHO CROSSES HER ARMS IN FRONT OF HER CHEST AND GLARES AT KELSO. HYDE STRIDES OVER TO KELSO AND GRABS THE BONNET OFF HIS HEAD, THEN HE SHOVES KELSO OVER THE BACK OF THE COUCH. THERE IS A BIG THUD AS KELSO HITS THE GROUND. A FEW SECONDS LATER HE STANDS BACK UP RUBBING HIS HEAD.

KELSO:

(with an angry pout) Not nice, Hyde!

HYDE SHOVES THE BONNET INTO HIS PANTS POCKET AND SITS BACK DOWN IN HIS CHAIR.

DONNA:

Oh come on, Hyde. What's the big deal? So Jagger wears a dress.(she points at all the guys) I've seen every single one of you guys in a dress.

FEZ:

(smiling proudly) I looked the sexiest.

ERIC:

(to Fez) Yeah, I wouldn't really brag about that, man.

LAURIE:

Hyde, every baby wears a dress when they get baptized.

ERIC:

(with a shrug) I did.

HYDE:

(glaring at Eric) And look what a big strong man you grew up to be. (Hyde crosses to Jackie at the dryer) Jackie, you want me to put _my_ son in a long, white, frilly dress?

FEZ:

(interjecting) With matching bonnet and booties.

HYDE TURNS TO GLARE AT FEZ.

FEZ:(cont'd)

(nervously) Sorry. They just complete the ensemble so nicely.

HYDE TURNS BACK TO JACKIE.

HYDE:

He's a guy, not a tiny, little drag queen.

JACKIE:

(bitchy) Steven, Jagger is not getting baptized in this.

JACKIE HOLDS UP A ROLLING STONES ONSIE THAT IS IN HER LAUNDRY PILE.

HYDE:

(nodding his approval of the onsie) Now _that's_ what I'm talkin' about.

KELSO:

(completely ignoring Jackie and Hyde's argument) I've gotta find a date for this baptism. I mean, I can't go alone. You've gotta have a date for a baptism.

ERIC:

(sarcastically) Absolutely. There are three events you _have_ to bring a date too. One - prom, two - your wedding, and three - a baptism.

DONNA:

(to Kelso) So, who's the unlucky girl?

KELSO:

I was thinkin' of asking Brooke.

LAURIE:

Kelso, the girl had your baby, hasn't she done enough for you?

FEZ:

(smiling at Laurie) Spicy hot burn, my lovely.

KELSO:

(yells, spastically, at Fez) Stop complimenting her when she burns me!

FEZ:

(with attitude) Then stop making it so easy for her to burn you.

JACKIE:

Michael, you've been spending a lot of time with Brooke lately.

DONNA:

Not as much time as he spends with Fez and Laurie.

ERIC:

You three are like a less sexy, creepy version of "Three's Company".

HYDE:

Yep. Fez is Jack, Laurie is Janet and Kelso is Chrissy.

KELSO:

(with a dopey laugh) Oh man, if I was Chrissy I'd never leave the house. I'd spend all day lookin' at my super hot boobs. (he pauses and then gives Jackie a wink) Is that what you do all day, Jackie?

HYDE QUICKLY CROSSES TO KELSO AND AGAIN PUSHES HIM OVER THE BACK OF THE COUCH. THE GANG GETS A GOOD LAUGH AT KELSO'S EXPENSE AS WE HEAR HIM THUD ONTO THE GROUND. A FEW SECONDS LATER , HIS HEAD APPEARS OVER THE TOP OF THE COUCH.

KELSO:

(yelling at Hyde) That's twice in one day, man! You're gonna give me brain damage, Hyde!

ERIC:

You can't blame Hyde for that, man. That was God's doing.

HYDE:

(with a nod) Yep. God totally burned you, Kelso.

KELSO STOMPS ANGRILY OUT OF THE BASEMENT AS EVERYONE ELSE SNICKERS,

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. THE CHURCH, A FEW DAYS LATER. THE BAPTISM. EVERYONE IS DRESSED UP. PASTOR DAVE IS STANDING NEAR THE ALTAR TALKING WITH BOB AND JOANNE WHO ARE SITTING IN A PEW. HYDE IS STANDING AT THE BACK OF THE CHURCH TALKING WITH RED, ERIC, FEZ AND KELSO WHEN W.B. WALKS UP TO THEM.

W.B.:

(holding out an envelope to Hyde) Steven, here you go. (he smiles) It's a little something for my grandchildren.

HYDE:

You get money when you get baptized?

W.B.:

(with a nod) Sure. Baptism, first communion, confirmation - church can be very profitable for a child.

W.B. GOES TOWARDS THE FRONT OF THE CHURCH AND SITS DOWN WITH BOB AND JOANNE. KITTY ENTERS AND HEADS TOWARDS RED AND HYDE.

KITTY:

(with a huge smile) Oh, you should see the twins they look so adorable.

HYDE:

(scowling) Oh, I'll bet. My dress-wearing son.

RED:

(to Hyde) Stop being such a baby. (frowning at Eric) When your son is 18 and he puts on a dress, _then_ you've got a problem.

JACKIE ENTERS CARRYING BOTH OF THE TWINS, WHO ARE DRESSED IN THE BAPTISMAL GOWNS. LAURIE. BROOKE AND DONNA ARE WITH HER. BROOKE IS CARRYING BETSY.

LAURIE:

(with a big smile) Here they are.

HYDE TAKES JAGGER FROM JACKIE. KITTY LOOKS AT JAGGER AND FROWNS SLIGHTLY.

KITTY:

Jackie, where is Jagger's little bonnet?

JACKIE:

He's not wearing it. (she smiles at Hyde) It's my gift to Steven.

ERIC AND DONNA:

(taunting Hyde) Aww ...

HYDE:

(flatly, warning Eric and Donna) Shut it.

RED AND KITTY JOIN THE OTHER ADULTS IN THE FRONT OF THE CHURCH.

HYDE:

(raising his eyebrow at Jackie) I didn't get you anything, but an idea starting to come to me.

LAURIE:

(shoving Hyde) Hey, we are in church.

HYDE:

(sarcastically, to Laurie) Sorry to offend you, Mother Theresa.

KELSO:

(with a goofy laugh he leans in and whispers to the gang) Hey, guys, who's done it in church?

ERIC:

Does the basement count?

KELSO:

(with a nod) Yep.

A LITTLE RELUCTANTLY EVERYONE EXCEPT BROOKE RAISES THEIR HANDS.

BROOKE:

(looking around at the gang) I think there might be something wrong with all of you.

HYDE:

Hey, if they didn't want us doin' it in the church then they shouldn't have had all those dances in the basement.

DONNA:

(sadly shaking her head) It's a good thing these kids are getting baptized 'cause hanging out with us is a one-way ticket to hell.

PASTOR DAVE:

(calling out to the gang) Hey kids, what are you talkin' about back there?

EVERYONE QUICKLY GLANCES AT ERIC AND HYDE. THE TWO OF THEM MAKE EYE CONTACT AND THEN SPEAK IN UNISON.

ERIC AND HYDE:

(quickly) The ten commandments. (they point to each other and nod) Nice!

PASTOR DAVE:

(excitedly) Bring those kids on up here and let's do some baptizing!

HYDE:

(handing Jagger to Eric and Donn) Godfather and Godmother number one - here's your kid. (he takes Layla from Jackie and then hands her to Fez and Laurie) Godfather and Godmother number two - here's your kid. (a beat) Now, watch 'em for twenty minutes while Jackie and I go fool around.

JACKIE:

(quietly, in a warning tone) Steven ...

HYDE:

(with a sigh) Fine. (he smirks) _Thirty_ minutes.

KELSO LOOKS AROUND AND REALIZES HE HAS BEEN LEFT OUT.

KELSO:

(indignantly) Hey! How come I don't get a baby?

HYDE:

(shrugs) Sorry, man. We ran out. We only had two of 'em.

KELSO:

No way! (he points at Jackie and Hyde) I made you two Betsy's god parents, now you gotta make me a god parent. That's how it works. It's in the bible.

ERIC:

(with a nod) That's true, it is. I think it falls under the whole, "do unto others" thing.

HYDE:

(with a grin) Kelso, we're not leaving you out.

JACKIE:

(confused) We're not?

HYDE:

No way. It's just, we're givin' you a special title.

KELSO:

(smiling) That's awesome! (pauses for a few seconds, thinking) Oh, wait, what is it? 'Cause if it's, "The King" I already hold that title.

HYDE:

(patting Kelso on the back) We're gonna call you - _The_ Godfather. You're like, The Don of Point Place, man.

ERIC:

(thinks for a few seconds and then frowns) Hey, that sounds better than what we got.

FEZ:

(nodding) I agree. I want that title instead.

KELSO:

(smiling, proudly, at the others) Well you can't have it, 'cause I got it! _Church burn!_

KELSO TAKES BROOKE'S HAND AND THEY HEAD TOWARDS THE FRONT OF THE CHURCH.

ERIC:

That was smooth, Hyde.

HYDE:

(with a shrug) Yeah, well, Kelso gets an imaginary title and no responsibility whatsoever. Everybody wins.

THE REST OF THE GANG HEADS TOWARDS THE FRONT OF THE CHURCH.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, THAT EVENING. THE FORMANS ARE HOSTING A PARTY AFTER THE TWINS' BAPTISM. HYDE IS IN HIS CHAIR WITH JACKIE IN HIS LAP. FEZ AND LAURIE ARE SNUGGLED UP ON THE DEEP FREEZE. ERIC AND DONNA ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH. ERIC HAS HIS ARM AROUND DONNA. BROOKE IS SITTING NEXT TO THEM. KELSO IS SITTING IN THE LAWN CHAIR. IT LOOKS LIKE THE GANG IS INVOLVED IN A SERIOUS CONVERSATION.

ERIC:

(slowly and seriously) Senior year, Church Lock-In.

KELSO:

(looking back and forth between Eric and Donna) You guys did it at the Lock-In? (excitedly) Me too!

DONNA:

(pointing at Laurie and Fez) Laurie and Fez, you're up.

LAURIE:

(quickly) Bingo. Last Wednesday.

ERIC:

(looking slightly depressed) My mom won $30.00 that night.

FEZ:

(smiling proudly) Then it was a good night for all.

DONNA:

And last, but definitely not least ... Mr. And Mrs. Hyde, when did you guys do it in the church basement?

JACKIE:

(quickly and nervously) Um ... I don't really remember when it was.

HYDE:

(grinning) I do. 1978 after the Christmas pageant.

ERIC:

(frowning at Hyde) Nice to know Mary and Joseph got it on after the curtain went down. You just killed a small part of me, Hyde.

KELSO:

(slowly piecing it together) Wait a minute ... (to Jackie) weren't you and I dating then?

HYDE GIVES A WICKED SMILE.

JACKIE:

(quickly trying to change the subject) I better go see if Mrs. Forman needs any help with the twins.

JACKIE STANDS UP TO GO AND HYDE GRABS HER WRIST AND PULLS HER BACK DOWN INTO HIS LAP. KELSO SHRUGS AND THE MOMENT PASSES.

ERIC:

(to everyone) You know what baptisms put me in the mood for?

FEZ:

(with an excited and perverted smile) Ooh, skinny dipping?

ERIC

(frowning at Fez) What? No. Where would you get skinny dipping from?

FEZ:

Baptism, water, skinny dipping ...(condescendingly) Try to keep up, Eric.

ERIC:

I was thinking something more along the lines of a circle.

BROOKE:

(apprehensively) Um .. I don't know. I'm not exactly into that.

KELSO:

(giving Brooke a smile) That's ok. You can skip the illegal part. That's what Hyde and Jackie are gonna do.

HYDE:

Yep. Instead, we're gonna make out non-stop.

JACKIE SMILES AND NODS IN AGREEMENT.

FEZ:

(with a perverted grin) Sexy.

CUT TO THE CIRCLE. _"MY SWEET LORD"_ BY GEORGE HARRISON PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

CUT TO FEZ AND LAURIE. FEZ HAS LAURIE SITTING ON HIS LAP

FEZ:

(clapping) Oh happy day! (looking around the circle) We are a complete circle again.

LAURIE:

A _big_ circle. (with a ditzy smile) We're almost a square.

CUT TO KELSO AND BROOKE SITTING VERY CLOSE TO EACH OTHER. KELSO IS WEARING ONE OF THE TWINS' BONNETS ON HIS HEAD.

KELSO:

(with a huge dopey grin) Man, look at all the love in this room. (gesturing wildly) It's floatin' everywhere.

BROOKE:

That's smoke, Michael.

KELSO:

(he shrugs) Whatever. It looks like love to me.

CUT TO ERIC AND DONNA SITTING NEXT TO EACH OTHER. THEY SEEM TO BE REALLY ANNOYED BY WHAT'S GOING ON NEXT TO THEM.

DONNA:

(waving her arms around and making signals like a referee) Time out in the circle. We have a penalty.

ERIC:

(with a disgusted look) This is supposed to be a religious celebration. Keep your tongues to yourselves.

CUT TO JACKIE AND HYDE. JACKIE IS IN HYDE'S LAP AND THEY ARE GOING AT IT LIKE CRAZY. AS IF THEY CAN SENSE EVERYONE IS STARING THEM, THEY BREAK THEIR KISS AND TURN TO THE REST OF THE GANG.

HYDE:

(very annoyed) Hey, mind your own frickin' business. You guys have _your_ way of occupying your mouths. And we have _our_ way.

JACKIE AND HYDE RESUME THEIR MAKING OUT

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

INT. CHURCH OFFICE. PASTOR DAN IS SITTING AT HIS DESK AND ERIC AND DONNA ARE SITTING IN CHAIR FACING HIM.

ERIC:

So, I'm really struggling with this whole Han and Leia thing, Pastor Dan.

PASTOR DAN:

(encouragingly) You've got to keep the faith, Eric. What would have happened if Luke Skywalker hadn't had faith in himself when it came time to fire the crucial shot into the Death Star?

ERIC:

(pauses and thinks for a few seconds and then smiles like he's just realized something) He never would've destroyed the Empire and the Rebels would've lost.

PASTOR DAN:

(with a nod) Exactly.

DONNA LOOKS BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN ERIC AND PASTOR DAN.

DONNA:

(annoyed) Excuse me? Can we talk about Eric and I now?

ERIC:

(puts a hand to one side of his mouth and then leans in to whisper to Pastor Dan) She's kinda anti-Star Wars.

DONNA HANGS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS, COMPLETELY EXASPERATED WITH ERIC.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"Someone Saved My Life Tonight"

Kelso becomes the hero of the Point Place Police Department.


	31. Someone Saved My Life Tonight

"Someone Saved My Life Tonight"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Elton John.

I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disaster that was Season 8. This would be episode 8-24 and this is the Season 8 finale.

So many of you have asked me to keep going and to do a Season 9 and I was not going to, but - I changed my mind. So ... if you guys want to stick with this story a little longer, I'll keep writing. Thank you all so much for reading and especially those of you who have taken the time to leave a review! I appreciate it more than you know and you're the reason why I'm continuing this story.

So, here it is - the Season 8 finale! Enjoy! Oh, and listen to the Styx song at the end of this episode. Come on, you know you love Styx so much you would've waited out in the cold with Eric for tickets!

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, EVENING. THE GIRLS ARE ALL GATHERED IN THE LIVING ROOM WATCHING TV. KITTY IS SITTING ON RED'S CHAIR. LAURIE, JACKIE, DONNA AND JOANNE ARE ON THE COUCH. THEY ARE ALL HAVING A GLASS OF WINE AND THERE IS SOME FOOD ON THE COFFEE TABLE. THEY ARE COMPLETELY MESMERIZED BY WHAT THEY ARE WATCHING. RED WALKS IN FROM THE KITCHEN HOLDING HIS PAPER. HE HEADS TO HIS CHAIR TO SIT DOWN AND STOPS WHEN HE SEES THE WOMEN. HE LOOKS AT ALL OF THEM, STRANGELY.

RED:

What's the matter with you all?

LAURIE:

(waving her hand at Red, without taking her eyes off the TV) Daddy, be quiet. "Dallas" is on and something's gonna happen.

RED:

I'll tell you what's going to happen. Someone's going to get drunk, someone's going to strike oil, and someone's going to end up in that damn pool.

KITTY:

(shushing Red in irritation) Red, shhh!

RED:

(very cranky) Oh fine, I'll be over at Bob's watching anything but this.

RED EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN.

KITTY:

(she gasps at something on TV) What was that?

LAURIE:

(with a proud smile, like she knows the answer) It was a noise.

KITTY:

(giving Laurie a sad smile) Thank you, Laurie.

JACKIE:

(yelling at the TV) Don't go, J.R! Doesn't he know when you hear a creepy sound you never go investigate it.

DONNA:

Ok, he deserves what happens to him just for being stupid.

JOANNE:

(watching in confusion) Who is it?

KITTY:

Ooh, I bet you it's that Cliff. He's not a nice man.

THE SOUND OF A GUNSHOT CAN BE HEARD FROM THE TV. THE WOMEN ALL GASP.

DONNA:

(yells, stunned) Holy crap! They shot him!

KITTY:

That's the end? (getting worked-up) They can't leave it like that. They are just mean, mean people.

THE PHONE RINGS

JACKIE:

Ugh! What kind of moron would be calling right now?

LAURIE ANSWERS THE PHONE, EXTREMELY RUDELY.

LAURIE:

Hello? (a pause while she listens) The kind of moron that you married. (she gives Jackie a taunting smile)

LAURIE HOLDS THE PHONE OUT FOR JACKIE WHO GRABS IT QUICKLY.

JACKIE:

Steven, I can't talk to you right now. (a pause while she listens) What do you mean I have to come to the store? (pause) Who cares about your inventory, someone just shot J.R. (with an exaggerated sigh) Fine. But you owe me an entire day without your sunglasses on for this.

JACKIE HANGS UP THE PHONE AND GETS OFF THE COUCH.

KITTY:

(to Jackie) What's the matter, sweetie?

JACKIE:

I have to go down to the store, Dennis went home sick and Steven needs help with his inventory.

DONNA:

Why can't Eric just help him?

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes in irritation) I don't know, _Donna. _He's probably not strong enough to lift the records. (turning to Kitty) Mrs. Forman, I hate to wake up the twins. Can they just stay here?

KITTY:

(with a smile and a nod) Of course they can. You and Steven just come pick them up whenever you're done.

JACKIE:

Thanks.

JACKIE EXITS AND THE LADIES TURN THEIR ATTENTION BACK TO THE TV.

JOANNE:

(stunned) I just can't believe someone shot him.

LAURIE:

I know, why would anyone wanna shoot J.R.?

DONNA:

(turns to Laurie and stares at her in disbelief) Because he's a giant ass.

LAURIE:

(rolling her eyes) Oh please, _I'm_ meaner than he is.

THE WOMEN TURN THEIR ATTENTION BACK TO THE TV.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. GROOVES, A SHORT WHILE LATER. HYDE IS BEHIND THE COUNTER BAGGING UP A CUSTOMER'S PURCHASE. THERE IS ONLY ONE OTHER CUSTOMER IN THE STORE. KELSO, IN HIS UNIFORM, AND ERIC ARE SITTING IN THE LISTENING PIT. _"ALL ALONG THE WATCHTOWER" _BY JIMI HENDRIX PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. JACKIE WALKS OUT FROM HYDE'S OFFICE LOOKING THROUGH A STACK OF PAPERS. SHE LOOKS VERY ANNOYED AS SHE MARCHES UP TO HYDE. THE CUSTOMER HYDE HAS BEEN HELPING, LEAVES AS JACKIE REACHES THE COUNTER.

JACKIE:

Steven, your office is a disaster I can't find any of your receipts from January.

HYDE:

Did you try looking in the folder labeled, "February"?

JACKIE:

Why would they be in there?

HYDE:

(flatly) I like to mix things up.

JACKIE THROWS UP HER HANDS IN EXASPERATION AND HEADS BACK INTO HYDE'S OFFICE. KELSO GETS UP OFF THE COUCH.

KELSO:

Alright, I'm goin' to Fatso Burger, you guys want anything?

ERIC:

(with a sarcastic smile, to Kelso) I didn't know cops ate Fatso burgers. I thought it was donuts or nothing.

KELSO:

(wagging his finger, wildly, at Eric) Just for that - you don't get a burger, _Eric._

KELSO STOMPS OUT OF THE STORE AS ERIC AND HYDE GET A CHUCKLE AT HIS EXPENSE. ERIC GETS UP AND CROSSES TO HYDE.

ERIC:

(looking at his watch) Well, it's just about closing time. Or as I like to call it, "time to play with my merchandise".

HYDE:

(taunting Eric) You mean, time to go put your Luke and Leia dolls in sick, perverted positions?

ERIC:

(in a high-pitched tone) Shut up about that, man. You swore you'd never tell anyone.

HYDE:

(frowning at Eric) Relax, Erica. I'm not gonna tell anybody you like to make your dolls do it. I just like to hear your voice get all squeaky.

HYDE CALLS OUT TO THE LAST CUSTOMER IN THE STORE.

HYDE:(cont'd)

Hey buddy, I'm about to close up. Is there somethin' I can help you find?

THE CUSTOMER CROSSES OVER TO HYDE'S COUNTER

CUSTOMER:

Yeah, how about The Eagles on cassette.

HYDE TURNS AROUND TO GRAB SOME TAPES ON THE WALL BEHIND HIM.

HYDE:

What are you lookin' for? Hotel California, The Long Run ...

CUSTOMER:

How about Desperado and all the cash in your register.

HYDE TURNS BACK AROUND TO THE CUSTOMER.

HYDE:

(with a glare) Is that supposed to be some sort of lame joke? Cause I'm not in the mood, so why don't you just get the hell out of here.

CUSTOMER:

(grinning) Oh, I don't think that's how this is gonna work.

THE CUSTOMER/ROBBER PULLS OUT A GUN OUT OF HIS JACKET AND POINTS IT INCHES AWAY FROM HYDE'S FACE. HYDE'S EXPRESSION DOESN'T CHANGE, BUT IMMEDIATELY ERIC BACKS AWAY FROM THE COUNTER AND STARTS HYPERVENTILATING.

ERIC:

(freaking out) I just _had_ to come over here. I couldn't have just been content playing with the new land speeders.

THE ROBBER KEEPS HIS GUN IN HYDE'S FACE AND HYDE DOESN'T EVEN BLINK, HE JUST STARES THE MAN DOWN.

HYDE:

(through clenched teeth) Fine, you can take the damn money. And then you better run like hell and pray I don't ever find you.

ERIC:

(quietly, to Hyde) Um, Hyde, let's try not to piss off the guy with the gun. (very nervously, to the robber) I'm so sorry, usually he's a lovely person. It's just ... um ... I think he's a little upset because _he_ used to be the only criminal in Point Place. And now you're here and so ... um. (his voice begins cracking) How do you like Point Place? It's kind of a hell hole, isn't it. (he laughs, nervously, then suddenly frowns) Oh God, please don't shoot me. I really, _really_ don't wanna get shot. I can't tell you how much I would like to _not_ be shot.

ROBBER:

(turns to Eric and yells) Shut the hell up!

ERIC:

(quickly) Yeah, sure. That sounds like a great idea.

THE DOOR TO HYDE'S OFFICE OPENS AND JACKIE WANDERS OUT CARRYING A STACK OF PAPERS. HER HEAD IS DOWN AS SHE SHUFFLES THROUGH THE PAPERS SO SHE DOESN'T NOTICE WHAT'S GOING ON.

JACKIE:

Ok, I found the January receipts, but now -

THE ROBBER SPINS AROUND AND POINTS HIS GUN RIGHT AT JACKIE, SHE LOOKS UP FROM HER PAPERS, STOPS DEAD IN HER TRACKS AND FREEZES.

JACKIE:

(terrified) Steven?

HYDE:

(eerily calm) It's ok, baby. Just stay right where you are. (insistently, to the robber) Hey, buddy, point the gun back at me and I'll get you all the cash I have.

ROBBER:

(leering at Jackie) Well, hello there.

HYDE CLENCHES HIS JAW AND LOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO JUMP OVER THE COUNTER. HIS VOICE IS QUIET AND DEADLY SERIOUS.

HYDE:

Point. The gun. At me.

TIME STANDS STILL FOR A FEW SECONDS AND JACKIE STARTS TO CRY. THE ROBBER GIVES HER A TAUNTING SMILE AND THEN TURNS BACK TO HYDE AND POINTS THE GUN BACK AT HIM.

ROBBER:

Have it your way.

JACKIE:

(her voice breaking as she watches Hyde) Oh my God.

HYDE:

(calmly) Jackie, take it easy, babe. We're gonna be fine.

ROBBER:

(opening up his backpack he waves the gun at Hyde) Ok, let's go! Load it all in this bag!

ERIC:

(taking a small step forward with his hands up in the air) I can help. I'm a really good organizer.

ROBBER:

(yells at Eric) Shut up!

ERIC:

(quickly backing off) Yeah, ok, I'm good at that too.

VERY QUIETLY THE DOOR TO GROOVES OPENS AND KELSO SNEAKS INSIDE, HE HAS HIS GUN DRAWN. HYDE CAN SEE KELSO OVER THE ROBBER'S SHOULDER. THE EXPRESSION ON HYDE'S FACE CHANGES AS HE GETS AN IDEA.

HYDE:

Hey ... you want me to get the safe too?

ROBBER:

(sarcastically, to Hyde) What do _you_ think, tough guy?

HYDE:

(indicating the door to the back room) It's back here and you're gonna have to go with me.

ROBBER:

No way. You can go get the money and bring it back here. (with an evil smile) I like it out here.

HYDE:

(shaking his head) I'm not leavin' you alone out here with my wife. I'm the only person who knows the combination to the safe, so you can either follow me and get the money or you can shoot me.

JACKIE:

(in a voice that's barely a whisper) Oh my God.

HYDE:

(staring intensely at the robber) What's it gonna be?

ROBBER:

(he pauses for a few seconds as he returns Hyde's stare) Fine.

THE ROBBER LOWERS HIS GUN, SLIGHTLY AND STARTS TO FOLLOW HYDE. BY THIS TIME ERIC AND JACKIE HAVE NOTICED KELSO. JACKIE IS WATCHING KELSO AND ERIC, VERY SLOWLY, IS BACKING UP TO GIVE KELSO ROOM TO MOVE. KELSO RUNS THE FINAL STEPS TO REACH THE ROBBER. HE SMACKS THE ROBBER, HARD, IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH THE BUTT OF HIS GUN. THE ROBBER GOES DOWN ON THE FLOOR IN A HEAP. HYDE QUICKLY BENDS DOWN AND GRABS THE ROBBER'S GUN AS KELSO GETS ON THE GUY'S BACK AND HANDCUFFS HIS HANDS BEHIND HIS BACK.

KELSO:

(yells excitedly) How cool was that!

HYDE QUICKLY STRIDES OVER TO JACKIE AND GRABS HER FACE IN HIS HANDS.

HYDE:

(urgently) Are you okay?

JACKIE STARTS SOBBING AND COLLAPSES IN HYDE'S ARMS AND HYDE WRAPS HIS ARMS AROUND HER LIKE HE'S NEVER GOING TO LET HER GO.

ERIC:

(stunned) Oh my God, my whole life flashed before my eyes and it was so much better than I thought it would be. (he crosses to Kelso) Kelso, how the hell did you know?

KELSO STANDS UP, PUFFS OUT HIS CHEST AND GIVES HIS BEST, TOUGH GUY VOICE.

KELSO:

(patting Eric on the back) It was my cop sixth sense.

ERIC:

Really?

KELSO:

(the tough guy face falls and he smiles, a big, dopey smile) Nah, Mitch heard you guys next door and he called the police. And lucky for you guys, I actually had my radio turned on today.(looking down at the robber) Not so lucky, for this dude though. (with a huge smile) How cool am I? (the smile gets bigger) How cool is my gun? (holding up his gun, proudly) How cool are me and my gun?

ERIC CHUCKLES A BIT AT KELSO BUT THE MOMENT IS INTERRUPTED BY JACKIE'S SOBBING. ERIC TURNS TO HYDE AND JACKIE.

ERIC:

(quietly) Hyde, is she alright, man?

HYDE DOESN'T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE ERIC. HE JUST CONTINUES HOLDING ONTO JACKIE. KELSO AND ERIC EXCHANGE GLANCES, REALIZING JACKIE IS NOT OK.

MITCH:

(calling from inside The Force) Is it over?

ERIC:

(yelling towards the door) Mitch, get your skinny, midget butt in here so I can hug you like you've never been hugged before.

MITCH, VERY APPREHENSIVELY, ENTERS FROM THE FORCE.

MITCH:

Forman, I'm gonna need a raise and life insurance if this job is gonna get dangerous.

ERIC:

(holding his arms out to Mitch) Come here, you.

ERIC CROSSES TO MITCH AND GIVES HIM A HUGE BEAR HUG. THREE COPS ENTER THROUGH THE DOOR, THEY ALL HAVE THEIR GUNS DRAWN.

KELSO:

(with his best tough guy attitude) The perp's over here fellas. I already cuffed him and stuffed him. (excitedly) Man, I have _always_ wanted to say that!

THE OTHER COPS JOIN KELSO AS ERIC CONTINUES TO HUG MITCH AND HYDE HOLDS A SOBBING JACKIE.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. GROOVES, A SHORT WHILE LATER. THERE ARE TWO COPS TALKING TO W.B. AND TAKING NOTES. ERIC IS PACING NEAR THE COUNTER. JACKIE AND HYDE ARE ON THE COUCH. JACKIE'S FACE IS BURIED IN HYDE'S CHEST AND HYDE HAS HIS ARMS AROUND HER, RUBBING HER BACK. THE FRONT DOOR FLIES OPEN AND KITTY, FOLLOWED BY DONNA AND RED, ENTERS.

KITTY:

(frantically) Where are they? Where are my precious baby boys?

DONNA:

Oh my God, Eric. Are you ok?

KITTY AND DONNA BOTH GRAB ERIC AND HUG HIM ONE AT HIS FRONT AND ONE AT HIS BACK.

ERIC:

(with bitter sarcasm) Oh I'm fan-friggin'-tastic. I sold two Star Cruisers. Had the extra-large slurpie for lunch. Some dillhole stuck a gun in my face, it's been a great day.

KITTY AND DONNA LET GO OF ERIC.

KITTY:

(angrily) In your face? He stuck it in your face?

ERIC:

Well, he stuck it in Hyde's face. Oh, and then Jackie's. And then back to Hyde again. But that's kinda irrelevant, isn't it? (yells) There was a gun,(gesturing, wildly, around his face) _WITHIN THE VICINITY, _of my face!

RED CROSSES TO THE COUCH. HE LOOKS VERY SERIOUS.

RED:

(solemnly) Steven, are you two alright?

JACKIE DOESN'T MOVE HER HEAD FROM WHERE IT'S BURIED IN HYDE'S CHEST AND HYDE IGNORES RED'S QUESTION.

HYDE:

(flatly, to Red) Where are the twins?

KITTY CROSSES TO THE COUCH AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO HYDE.

KITTY:

They're with Laurie and Fez. (she reaches out to touch Hyde) Are you alright, sweetie?

HYDE:

(pulling away from Kitty's hand) I'm fine, everybody just needs to stop freaking out.

W.B. COMES UP BEHIND THE COUCH.

W.B.:

Steven, I'm going to head down to the police station. They're going to need your statement.

HYDE:

(shaking his head) Well they're gonna have to wait 'cause I'm not leaving Jackie.

W.B.:

The police really want to talk you now, son.

RED:

We'll take her with us, Steven. You and Eric get your butts down to that station so they can put this guy away.

DONNA:

(looking around the room) Where's Kelso?

ERIC:

He took the guy down to the police station. (with a small smile) He was super pumped he was gonna get to do his first finger printing.

KITTY:

Well, when I see him I am going to give him the biggest kiss.

DONNA:

(to Kitty) I'm not so sure I would do that, he might kiss you back.

ONE OF THE COPS HEADS OVER TOWARDS THE COUCH TO TALK TO W.B.

COP:

We're all finished here, Mr. Barnett. (he turns to Hyde) You know, you kids are lucky. They've been looking for this guy in Illinois. He robbed a liquor store there and ...

W.B.:

(quickly interrupting) The important thing is, everybody's alright.

HYDE LOOKS AT W.B. REALIZING HE IS HIDING SOMETHING.

ERIC:

(with a sarcastic grin) You mean, other than being emotionally scarred for life?

THE COPS EXIT AND HYDE PULLS BACK FROM JACKIE. HE LIFTS HER CHIN UP SO HE CAN LOOK AT HER.

HYDE:

(gently) Jackie, you've gotta go be with the twins, ok? I won't be long.

JACKIE:

(still crying) No.

HYDE:

Jackie ...

JACKIE:

(insistently) _No!_

RED:

(giving Jackie a small, but very sincere smile) Jackie, I'll go with Steven and Eric to the police station. Would that make you feel better?

JACKIE:

(looks at Hyde and then looks at Red and nods, reluctantly) Ok.

KITTY:

(standing up) Alright boys, you just ... you be careful. (she starts to cry) Look both ways before you cross the street.

ERIC:

(with a quiet chuckle and a nod) We will, Mom.

KITTY GIVES ERIC A HUGE HUG AND A KISS AND THEN STEPS ASIDE FOR DONNA TO HUG HIM.

DONNA:

Eric, you can talk about "Star Wars" every day for the rest of our lives if you want to.

ERIC:

(with a teasing smile) That almost makes the whole gun in the face thing worth it.

ERIC PULLS DONNA TO HIM AND KISSES HER. HYDE STANDS UP OFF THE COUCH AND TAKES JACKIE UP WITH HIM.

HYDE:

(giving her a kiss) I'll be right home.

JACKIE:

(with a scared pout) Promise?

HYDE:

(with a small grin) Swear on my Beatles records.

DONNA CROSSES TO JACKIE AND PUTS HER ARM AROUND HER, LEADING HER TO THE DOOR.

DONNA:

Jackie, how about we go see a couple of curly-haired drool machines?

DONNA AND JACKIE HEAD TOWARDS THE DOOR, BUT NOT BEFORE JACKIE TAKES ONE LAST LOOK AT HYDE OVER HER SHOULDER. HYDE GIVES JACKIE A SMALL SMILE AND A NOD AND THEN THE GIRLS ARE GONE. HYDE'S SMILE FALLS AND IS REPLACED BY HIS ZEN FACE.

RED:

(to Eric and Hyde) I'm going to walk your mother and the girls to the car. (he pauses and it seems like he can't say what he wants to say) You boys did good.

ERIC:

Thanks, Dad.

RED:

Even Kelso. (with a scowl) Who knew giving that dumbass a gun would be a good idea?

RED EXITS LEAVING BEHIND ERIC, HYDE AND W.B.

HYDE:

W.B., what was that cop gonna say?

W.B.:

(with a nervous shrug) What are you talking about?

HYDE:

You're smooth, man. But you're a bad liar.

W.B. PAUSES AND LETS OUT A DEEP SIGH.

W.B.:

The guy killed everyone in the liquor store he robbed.

HYDE JUST STARES AT W.B. AND NODS. ERIC SMILES, NERVOUSLY.

ERIC:

Does anybody know if there's a shrink in Point Place? 'Cause I'm pretty sure I'm gonna need to pay him a visit.

W.B.:

(quickly trying to change the subject) We can take my car to the police station. Is that ok with you, Steven?

HYDE:

(very Zen) Yeah, I just need to grab my wallet. I'll be right there.

W.B.:

(giving Hyde a small smile) Alright, son.

W.B. AND ERIC EXIT LEAVING HYDE BEHIND. HYDE WANDERS AROUND THE STORE. HE IS GETTING TENSER WITH EACH PASSING SECOND. FINALLY, HE PICKS UP A CARTON FULL OF RECORDS AND FLINGS THEM ACROSS THE STORE SMASHING THE CARTON INTO THE WALL AND SENDING RECORDS FLYING EVERYWHERE. HE WATCHES THE RECORDS CRASH AND THEN LETS OUT A DEEP BREATH AND QUICKLY EXITS THE STORE.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. POLICE STATION, IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING. KELSO IS SITTING BEHIND A DESK FILLING OUT SOME PAPERS. ERIC AND HYDE ARE SITTING ACROSS FROM HIM. ERIC LOOKS EXHAUSTED AND HYDE LOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO EXPLODE.

KELSO:

(with a dopey grin) Man, first thing in the morning I'm goin' down to the firing range and brushing up on my aim. (to Eric and Hyde) You guys are lucky I didn't have to shoot anybody. I'm a little rusty in that department.

ERIC:

(quietly, like he doesn't want to bring it up) Hyde, that guy could've killed you.

HYDE:

(with a clenched jaw) But he didn't.

ERIC:

But he could've.

HYDE:

But he didn't. (harshly) God, what do want from me, Forman?

ERIC STANDS UP AND YELLS AT HYDE.

ERIC:

I wanna know why you almost got yourself shot. What the hell were you thinkin', man?

HYDE STANDS UP AND GETS IN ERIC'S FACE.

HYDE:

(bitterly) You wanna know what I was thinkin'? I was thinking that guy had a gun pointed in my wife's face. I was thinkin' that I was never gonna see my kids again. And I was thinkin' if it was gonna come down to him shooting Jackie or me, I wanted him to shoot me. _That's _what I was thinkin'.

HYDE BACKS OFF FROM ERIC AND THEN TURNS AND PUNCHES THE WALL BEHIND HIM. ERIC STARES, BLANKLY, AT HYDE.

KELSO:

(whispers to Eric) I always know Hyde's seriously pissed when he hits something that can't hit back.

ERIC:

(quietly) You can't always be the hero, Hyde.

HYDE:

(turning back to Eric) Well somebody had to try. You sure as hell weren't gonna do it.

ERIC:

(yells, angrily) Screw you, Hyde! You think I'm not as pissed-off as you are? (he hesitates a moment) You wanna know what _I_ thought about? Everything. Every frickin' tiny, little ridiculous thing about life. I would miss every minute of it. I'd miss the way Donna kisses me, I'd miss Mom's special birthday breakfast, I'd even miss Red calling me a "dumbass".

KELSO:

(nodding like he's thinking) I can see that, you know, sometimes he really puts some love in the "dumbass".

HYDE IS PACING LIKE A CAGED ANIMAL.

HYDE:

I can't just sit here. Kelso, let me into the jail. I'm gonna kill that guy.

ERIC:

(to Hyde) Oh yeah, that's a good idea. Then you can spend the rest of your life in jail.

KELSO GETS UP FROM HIS DESK AND CROSSES TOWARDS HYDE.

KELSO:

Hyde, man, you've gotta calm down.

HYDE:

(pointing at Kelso and Eric) You know what? Screw both you guys.

HYDE STORMS OFF

KELSO:

(yelling after Hyde) That's the thanks I get for saving your life? Tell you what, buddy, next time your store gets robbed - I'm just gonna keep eating my Fatso burger and laugh like a little girl.

ERIC:

Dude. You laugh like a little girl?

KELSO:

(angry, Kelso-style) Only when I'm really enjoying my Fatso burger, _Eric._

KELSO STOMPS BACK TO HIS DESK AND ERIC SINKS BACK DOWN INTO HIS CHAIR.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, LATE THAT NIGHT. LAURIE, FEZ, JOANNE AND KITTY ARE GATHERED AROUND THE TABLE. THERE IS A PLATE OF COOKIES OUT AND EVERYONE IS HAVING A DRINK. THEY ALL LOOK A LITTLE SHELL-SHOCKED.

LAURIE:

Wow. It seems kind of funny now that we got so worked up about J.R. getting shot.

KITTY:

Guns are so much more glamourous on TV.

LAURIE:

Just think, it could've been Eric that got shot.

FEZ:

(with a big smile) Yes, who knew life in Point Place could be so exciting.

EVERYONE STARES AT FEZ. REALIZING HIS MISTAKE FEZ GRINS, APOLOGETICALLY AT THE LADIES.

FEZ:(cont'd)

I mean ... terrifying.

BOB ENTERS FROM OUTSIDE HOLDING A FLASHLIGHT AND A BASEBALL BAT.

BOB:

Well, twelve bells and all is well.

JOANNE:

Bob, are you going to patrol the neighborhood all night?

BOB SITS DOWN AND KITTY GETS UP AND HEADS TO THE FRIDGE.

BOB:

(nodding) Yep. All night. (with a shrug) Or, until it dips below thirty degrees, whichever comes first.

KITTY HEADS BACK TO THE TABLE, HANDING BOB A BEER AS DONNA ENTERS FROM THE LIVING ROOM.

DONNA:

(with a sigh) Jackie finally fell asleep. She's a complete mess. I haven't seen her this freaked out since there was talk about the mall closing.

JOANNE:

(shaking her head, in disbelief) How could something like this have happened here?

BOB:

I keep telling you people - it's the evil spilling over from Sheboygan.

HYDE ENTERS THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR. HE LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM AND EVERYONE STARES AT HIM, UNSURE OF WHAT TO SAY.

HYDE:

(flatly) Where's Jackie?

DONNA:

She's sleeping with the twins in Laurie's room.

KITTY CROSSES TO HYDE AND RUBS HIS ARM.

KITTY:

Steven, are you alright. Do you want me to fix you something to eat?

DONNA:

(heading closer to Hyde) Hyde, do you wanna talk about it?

FEZ:

Or perhaps you would just like a large beer. (with a slightly mischievous smile) Or ... other things.

KITTY NOTICES HYDE'S HAND WHICH IS BLOODY FROM HITTING THE WALL EARLIER. SHE TAKES A HOLD OF IT AND LOOKS AT IT.

KITTY:

Steven, what happened to your hand?

HYDE:

(trying to pull his hand away) Nothing.

KITTY:

That's not nothing. Just sit down for a minute and let me look at it.

HYDE

(yanking his arm out of Kitty's grasp) I'm fine! I don't wanna sit down, I don't want anything to eat, and I don't wanna talk about it. It happened! I just want everybody to leave me the hell alone.

HYDE STORMS OFF INTO THE LIVING ROOM. EVERYONE WATCHES HIM GO. NO ONE SAYS A WORD FOR A FEW SECONDS.

FEZ:

(nervously) This is why it is better when Hyde keeps his emotions bottled up inside. Because when he lets them out, he is very scary.

KITTY SIGHS, SADLY, AND THE OTHERS LOOK VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 6

INT. LAURIE'S OLD BEDROOM, IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING. THE ROOM IS DIMLY LIT BY A NIGHT LIGHT AND _"GOODBYE YELLOW BRICK ROAD"_ BY ELTON JOHN IS PLAYING VERY SOFTLY ON THE STEREO IN THE BACKGROUND. JACKIE IS ASLEEP AND THERE ARE TWO BASINETS NEXT TO THE BED. HYDE QUIETLY ENTERS THE ROOM AND CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. HE STARES AT JACKIE FOR A FEW SECONDS BEFORE GOING OVER TO THE BASINETS. HE LEANS DOWN OVER ONE OF THEM AND LIFTS JAGGER OUT. HYDE GIVES THE BABY A KISS ON THE HEAD, THEN GENTLY LAYS HIM DOWN ON THE BED, NEXT TO JACKIE. THEN, HYDE HEADS OVER TO LAYLA'S BASINET. HE TAKES HER OUT AND GIVES HER A KISS TOO BEFORE LAYING HER DOWN NEXT TO JAGGER. HYDE LOOKS AT HIS FAMILY FOR A FEW SECONDS AND THEN HE SITS DOWN ON THE EDGE OF THE BED. HE LETS OUT A DEEP SIGH AND THEN RUNS A HAND THROUGH HIS HAIR, BEFORE HANGING HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS.

FADE TO MONTAGE AS THE MUSIC CONTINUES TO PLAY

FADE INTO INT. FORMAN BASEMENT

ERIC AND DONNA ARE ON THE COUCH AND THE ROOM IS ALMOST COMPLETELY DARK. DONNA IS LAYING DOWN, HER HEAD IS IN ERIC'S LAP AND HER EYES ARE CLOSED. ERIC IS RUBBING DONNA'S ARM AND HE LOOKS A MILLION MILES AWAY. HE LOOKS DOWN AT HER AND WHEN HE SEES HER EYES ARE CLOSED HE LAYS HIS HEAD BACK AND CLOSES HIS EYES. IMMEDIATELY AFTER HE DOES THIS DONNA OPENS HER EYES AND LOOKS UP AT ERIC. THEN, SHE TOO STARES OFF INTO THE DISTANCE.

FADE INTO INT. RED AND KITTY'S ROOM.

RED IS IN BED READING A BOOK, THEIR BATHROOM DOOR OPENS AND KITTY WALKS OUT. RED LOOKS UP FROM HIS BOOK AND GIVES KITTY A SMALL SMILE. SHE SMILES BACK, WEAKLY AND THEN STARTS TO CRY. RED GETS OUT OF BED, CROSSES TO KITTY AND TAKES HER INTO HIS ARMS AND HOLDS HER, RUBBING HER BACK, TENDERLY, AS SHE SOBS IN HIS ARMS.

FADE INTO INT. FEZ, LAURIE AND KELSO'S APARTMENT.

KELSO IS SITTING ON THE COUCH HAVING A BEER AND HOLDING ONTO A FRAMED PICTURE. HE'S LOOKING AT THE PICTURE AND SMILING, SADLY. WE CAN SEE FROM A DISTANCE THE PICTURE IS OF HE, BROOKE AND BETSY

FADE BACK INTO INT. LAURIE'S ROOM.

HYDE AND JACKIE ARE IN BED LYING ON THEIR SIDES AND FACING EACH OTHER WITH THE TWINS ASLEEP BETWEEN THEM. JACKIE IS STILL SLEEPING BUT HYDE IS WIDE AWAKE. HYDE HAS LAYLA IN THE CROOK OF HIS ARM AND WITH HIS OTHER ARM HE IS RUBBING JAGGER'S BACK. HE AND JACKIE'S LEGS ARE INTERTWINED.

FADE OUT

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL.

ACT 2

SCENE 1

EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY, EARLY MORNING. THERE ARE A FEW PATCHES OF SNOW LEFT ON THE GROUND. HYDE IS SHOOTING HOOPS WHEN ERIC, WEARING HIS BATHROBE, HEADS OUT FROM THE KITCHEN.

ERIC:

Hey - Dirty Harry, it's six o'clock in the morning. I know you tough guys like to get an early start to your day but us chickens need our sleep.

HYDE STOPS SHOOTING AND TURNS TO ERIC.

HYDE:

You're a funny guy, Forman.

ERIC:

(sarcastically) Yeah well, I'm not a hero so I have to be the funny guy. (with a shrug) It's not as cool, but it suits me.

HYDE:

(awkwardly) I didn't mean all that crap I said. I was pissed, that's why I said it. I'm sorry.

ERIC:

(with a small grin) That's ok. I told Donna how you made me feel all wimpy and she totally gave me hot sex to try and make me feel better. So _really_, I owe you one. (sincerely) How's Jackie?

HYDE:

(shaking his head) She's a mess. I don't know what the hell to do. She always expects me to make things better. And I don't know how to make this better.

ERIC:

Yeah, Donna's threatening to come with me to work now as my bodyguard. And she'll do it too. Any customer that even looks at me wrong she'll totally kick their ass. There will be mangled and maimed "Star Wars" geeks from here to Canada, man.

THE SLIDING DOOR OPENS AND KITTY RUNS OUT IN HER ROBE AND CURLERS HOLDING ONTO A TENNIS RACKET LIKE SHE'S READY TO STRIKE. RED APPEARS BEHIND HER.

KITTY:

(frantically) Eric, Steven, are you alright?

ERIC:

We're fine, Mom.

HYDE:

(grinning, slightly, at Kitty) Just out of curiosity, what were you planning on doing with the tennis racket?

RED:

Nothing is more dangerous than an angry mother.

ERIC:

(nods) It's true. I learned that on Wild Kingdom. You mess with the baby bears, the mama bear will tear you apart, man.

RED AND KITTY HEAD BACK INSIDE AS HYDE TOSSES THE BALL TO ERIC AND ERIC BEGINS DRIBBLING.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, LATER THAT MORNING. RED AND KITTY ARE AT THE TABLE, EATING BREAKFAST. RED IS READING THE PAPER.

RED:

(pointing at the paper) Look at that, Kelso made the front page of the newspaper. And it wasn't for blowing himself up or falling off the water tower. It was for doing something good.

KITTY:

(sadly) Red, what are we supposed to do? We have one son that holds it all in and I'm afraid he's going to explode. And the other son lets it all out and I'm afraid he's going to have a mental breakdown.

RED:

(not looking up from his paper) Sounds like we're in a no-win situation.

KITTY:

(nodding in agreement) Exactly. So, there's only one thing to do. We're having a party.

RED:

(very sarcastically) That makes perfect sense. Our kids were almost killed. Let's celebrate.

KITTY STANDS UP AND POINTS AT RED. SHE IS STARTING TO GO A LITTLE CRAZY.

KITTY:

Listen to me, mister. I am extremely fragile right now. You think menopause was bad? If you push me you'll be _praying_ for the days of menopause!

RED:

(looking up towards the heavens in exasperation) What did I do? Why has all the crap in the world suddenly been dumped into my lap?

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, A FEW HOURS LATER. HYDE AND KELSO ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE, HAVING A POP WHILE JACKIE AND DONNA ARE AT THE COUNTER MAKING FOOD FOR THE PARTY. ERIC IS STANDING NEAR THEM, DRINKING A BOTTLE OF POP. HYDE IS WATCHING JACKIE'S EVERY MOVE AND SHE LOOKS LIKE A SHE'S BEEN CRYING FOR HOURS.

ERIC:

(a little annoyed) So, what exactly are we celebrating? The fact that we almost got shot?

DONNA:

Eric, don't be such a tool.

ERIC:

(sarcastically) I'm sorry, Donna. I just wanna know what kind of decorations to buy.

KELSO:

(proudly) Just buy a big banner that says, "Kelso Rules" and that should about do it.

ERIC REACHES ACROSS DONNA TO GRAB SOME FOOD AND IN THE PROCESS KNOCKS HIS POP BOTTLE TO THE FLOOR, SHATTERING IT. JACKIE JUMPS AT THE NOISE.

DONNA:

Eric, what the hell?

JACKIE:

(quietly) Excuse me.

JACKIE RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM. EVERYBODY WATCHES HER GO AND HYDE GETS UP TO FOLLOW HER.

DONNA:

God. I don't know what to say to her to help her. She's a wreck. The only other time I've seen her like this was -

DONNA REALIZES WHAT SHE IS ABOUT TO SAY AND SHE STOPS. HYDE TURNS BACK TO FACE HER.

HYDE:

(flatly) Go ahead. I know what you're gonna say.

DONNA:

(apologetically) Hyde ...

HYDE:

(getting a little worked-up) The only other time you've seen her like this was when I cheated on her, right? I'm just glad that I could be the cause of the two worst moments in Jackie's life.

ERIC:

Hyde, what happened at the store was not your fault.

HYDE:

(angrily) Really? _I_ asked Jackie to be at the store. Me.

DONNA:

(quietly) Don't do this to yourself, Hyde.

HYDE:

Spare me the Psychology 101 lecture, Donna.

KELSO GETS UP FROM THE TABLE AND CROSSES TO IMPENDING ARGUMENT.

KELSO:

(throwing his hands up in the air, fed-up) _ENOUGH!_ I'm sick of this crap! Hyde, you have gotta get over this and you've gotta figure out a way to help Jackie. (pointing at Eric and Hyde) You two should be grateful that you're alive. And that you have Donna, and Jackie, and your kids. (hesitates for a few seconds and then frowns) Does anybody wanna know what I was thinking about in there?

ERIC:

(slowly) Starsky and Hutch?

KELSO:

No. (a beat and then gets a little angry) But _now_ that's what I'm thinkin' about. (suddenly very serious) I was thinking about Brooke. And Betsy. And ... and how much I love them. And how I let them go. (sadly, to Eric and Hyde) You guys still have the girls you love. So, everybody stop fighting and let's get through this thing.

EVERYBODY SEEMS MOMENTARILY STUNNED BY KELSO'S CONFESSION.

ERIC:

Wow. Kelso that was so ...

HYDE:

(interrupting) Stupid.

ERIC:

I was gonna say, "sweet" but I guess we can go with stupid.

HYDE:

Kelso, if you love Brooke and you wanna be with her, you've gotta tell her, man.

DONNA:

(with a teasing smile) Holy crap, Hyde giving relationship advice?

HYDE:

(frowns at Donna) Get bent. I just went through a near-death experience, I'm not myself.

KELSO:

(shaking his head) There's no way she'd ever want me. Why would she?

DONNA:

(sweetly, to Kelso) Because, you're a hero.

KELSO:

(pauses and thinks for a few seconds then slowly smiles) That's true. And chicks do love heros.

ERIC:

(patting Kelso on the back) And because you're a good guy. And a good dad.

KELSO:

(with a cocky grin) Both true. (he turns to Hyde) Hyde? You got a compliment for me?

HYDE:

I gave the advice. You're not getting compliment on top of the advice.

KELSO:

Ok. (confused, he looks around for help) So, what do I do now?

DONNA REACHES OVER AND FROGGS KELSO ON THE ARM.

DONNA:

Go, Kelso!

KELSO:

(rubbing his arm, he frowns at Donna) OW! I'm going. No need to hit, _Donna_!

KELSO EXITS THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR. A FEW SECONDS PASS AND THEN HE POPS HIS HEAD BACK INSIDE AND SMILES.

KELSO:(cont'd)

So, which one was I? Starsky or Hutch.

ERIC:

(with a nod) Oh you were totally Starsky, man.

KELSO:

(laughing) Totally.

KELSO EXITS AGAIN AND THEY ALL WATCH HIM GO WITH A SMILE.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, THAT NIGHT. THE PARTY IS GOING ON. _"ALL SHOOK UP" _BY ELVIS PRESLEY IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. LAURIE, DONNA AND FEZ ARE AT THE BAR HAVING A DRINK. RED IS IN HIS CHAIR, LEO, JOANNE AND W.B. ARE ON THE COUCH. BOB IS SITTING ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH. EVERYBODY IS HAVING A DRINK. HYDE AND KITTY COME DOWN FROM UPSTAIRS. HYDE'S BATTERED HAND IS NOW WRAPPED UP IN TAPE AND BANDAGES.

HYDE:

(fidgeting with the bandages on his hand) I can't believe I let you put this on me.

KITTY:

(smiling at Hyde) I think you look tough. You look like Rocky.

HYDE:

I look ridiculous.

ERIC ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND WALKS BY HYDE. ERIC STOPS WHEN HE SEES HYDE'S BANDAGED HAND.

ERIC:

(mocking Hyde, Eric does his best "Rocky") _Adrienne!_

HYDE:

(to Kitty) See!

KITTY:

(starting to go nuts) Steven, you let me smother you or I am going to have a break-down.

HYDE:

(giving up) Fine.

KITTY GRABS HYDE AND PULLS HIM INTO A BEAR HUG

ERIC:

(taunting Hyde) Aww, Rocky's mommy loves him.

KITTY:

You too, Eric. Let me smother you too.

KITTY GRABS ERIC AND PULLS HIM TOWARDS HER, HUGGING BOTH GUYS.

KITTY:(cont'd)

(with a beaming smile) My boys. I love you so much.

ERIC AND HYDE:

(quickly) We love you, too.

CUT TO THE GROUP ON THE COUCH. BOB STANDS UP AND STARTS PASSING OUT PAPERS TO EVERYONE ON THE COUCH, THEN HE HEADS OVER TO THE BAR AND PASSES THEM OUT TO THE KIDS. THEY LEAVE THE BAR AND GATHER AROUND THE COUCH.

BOB:

Alright, so here's the revised neighborhood watch schedule. I've beefed up the security around the bus stops so we can catch the criminals trying to infiltrate our borders.

LEO:

(nodding as he reads the paper) Cool. I got Mondays, man.

RED:

(to Bob) Leo is part of our neighborhood watch?

LEO:

(to Red) Hey, man. Nobody messes with me on account of I look a little like a serial killer.

W.B.:

(reading his paper) I want to thank you for including me in your watch, Bob. (he smiles) I love making white people nervous.

FEZ:

(with a frown) How come I am with Donna and Laurie?

LAURIE:

(smiling at Fez) Fez, sweetie, you're not exactly a scary guy.

BOB NODS IN AGREEMENT AND PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND LAURIE AND DONNA.

BOB:

But Laurie and Donna - they are two scary little gals.

BOTH LAURIE AND DONNA SMILE PROUDLY.

DONNA:

(laying her head on Bob's shoulder) Thanks, Daddy.

THE PARTY CONTINUES AS EVERYONE GOES BACK TO THEIR CONVERSATIONS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 5

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, A FEW MINUTES LATER. JACKIE IS SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE WITH THE TWINS. SHE IS SMILING, SADLY, AT THE TWINS AS SHE PLAYS WITH THEM. HYDE ENTERS FROM THE LIVING ROOM AND HEADS OVER TOWARDS THE TABLE.

HYDE:

Everybody's asking about you.

JACKIE:

(trying to look happy) I just need a minute.

HYDE SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE AND CLEARS, HIS THROAT, TRYING TO SAY SOMETHING.

HYDE:

(very Zen) You know, I was thinkin' ... I've punched a lot of guys for you.

JACKIE:

(looks at Hyde, confused) What?

HYDE:

(continues, a little awkwardly) I've also taken you to the prom, and to Sizzler, gone to prison for you, shaved off my beard ...

JACKIE:

(interrupting him) Steven, what are you talking about?

HYDE:

I was thinking about all the things I've done to try and ... you know ...

JACKIE:

(a smile slowly creeping across her face) Protect me, love me, (rolling her eyes, slightly embarrassed) make me stop crying all over you.

HYDE:

(uncomfortably shifting in his seat) Yeah. That. (he takes his sunglasses off and clips them on his shirt, suddenly very serious) Jackie, I don't know how to make this better for you. But you've gotta believe that I will never let anyone hurt you or the babies. I promise you. (he goes back to his Zen) So, I figured, I'd let you chose what you want me to do. (with a grin) But, I'm really hoping it's not the beard thing, again.

JACKIE LOOKS STUNNED SHE REACHES UP AND STROKED HYDE'S BEARD AS SHE SMILES AT HIM.

JACKIE:

You are just the sweetest man alive.

HYDE:

(with a scowl) Hurry up and pick one, before I change my mind.

JACKIE:

I can't choose. I loved them all.

HYDE:

Fine, then I'll choose for you. We're doing the prom thing again. (with a sly smirk) I never liked the way it ended the first time around.

JACKIE:

(with a chuckle) Steven, where are we gonna find a Prom to crash?

HYDE:

(he grins) We're gonna make our own party - complete with bad slow songs, spiked punch and a dancing Fez.

JACKIE LAUGHS AS HYDE LEANS IN AND GIVES HER A KISS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 6

INT. BROOKE'S APARTMENT, THE SAME TIME. BROOKE, HOLDING BETSY, OPENS TO THE DOOR. KELSO, LOOKING VERY NERVOUS, IS STANDING IN HER HALLWAY.

KELSO:

(quietly) Hey Brooke.

BROOKE:

(very relieved) Michael, oh my God.

BROOKE PULLS KELSO INTO THE APARTMENT AND GIVES HIM A HUGE HUG. KELSO PULLS BACK AND TAKES BETSY FROM BROOKE.

KELSO:

(smiling) There's Daddy's little girl. Come here, Betsy-boo.

BROOKE:

I've called you, like, a hundred times. Where have you been?

KELSO:

(with a nervous shrug) Just driving around.

BROOKE:

(trying not to laugh) Michael, did you get lost trying to find my apartment again?

KELSO:

(defensively) No. (a beat and then Kelso looks a little guilty) Ok, maybe a little. But that's not why I was driving around.

BROOKE:

When Donna called me and told me what you did, I was so proud of you.

KELSO:

(with an excited smile) You were?

BROOKE:

(sincerely) You're a hero, Michael.

KELSO'S SMILE FALLS AND HE LOOKS A LITTLE SAD.

KELSO:

I don't feel like a hero. I feel like a big chicken.

BROOKE:

What? Why?

KELSO:

(hesitates slightly and then lets it all out) Because I was too afraid to try and make it work with you.

BROOKE:

(stunned) Michael, I don't know what to say.

KELSO:

(quickly) Well I do. You're the only girl I've ever been with that makes me feel good about myself. You never try to change me, you just want me to be a better me. 'Cause let's face it, I'm a pretty good guy.

BROOKE:

(with a laugh) You are.

KELSO:

I know. And you're like the nicest girl I've ever known. And you're such a good mom, and you're so smart, (with a big smile) and plus you are super, _smokin'_ hot. I've spent my entire life looking for my next chick. When I should've realized, you're the chick I've been looking for.

BROOKE:

Michael ...

KELSO TAKES BROOKE'S HAND AND WON'T LET HER GET A WORD IN.

KELSO:

And I know I've got a lot to prove to you and it's gonna take some time ...

BROOKE:

Michael ...

KELSO:

But I'm totally ok with that.

BROOKE:

(yells) _Michael! _Shut up!

KELSO'S SMILE FALLS AND HE POUTS.

KELSO:

Well, that totally ruined the moment.

BROOKE PULLS KELSO IN TO HER AND KISSES HIM. AFTER A FEW SECONDS KELSO PULLS BACK AND GIVES BROOKE A HUGE, DOPEY SMILE.

KELSO:

Never mind, that _totally_ made the moment better.

BROOKE LAUGHS AND KELSO PULLS HER BACK IN FOR ANOTHER KISS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 7

INT. GROOVES, LATER THAT NIGHT. KELSO LEADS THE GANG AS THEY ALL WALK SLOWLY INTO THE STORE. FEZ, LAURIE, BROOKE AND DONNA ARE CARRYING THE PARTY SUPPLIES. HYDE AND JACKIE BRING UP THE REAR OF THE GROUP. JACKIE IS CLINGING TO HYDE AND SHE LOOKS TERRIFIED. KELSO HAS HIS GUN DRAWN AND IS SNEAKING AROUND EVERY CORNER AND POINTING HIS GUN AT NOTHING LIKE A COP ON TV.

DONNA:

(to Eric) Tell me again why we had to have this stupid party here?

ERIC:

(trying to sound wise) Because, Donna, we've gotta confront our demons head on.

LAURIE:

(giving Eric a bitchy smile) Thank you, Phil Donahue.

HYDE IS STARTING TO LOOK REALLY IRRITATED WITH KELSO.

HYDE:

Kelso, I'm grateful you saved my life and all. But if you don't put your gun away I'm gonna frog you with my good arm.

KELSO:

(yelling over his shoulder to the gang) It's safe for you civilians to enter now.

HYDE:

(with a smirk) Alright, let the debauchery commence. Forman, put some music on.

ERIC HEADS OVER TO THE STEREO AND EVERYBODY STARTS PUTTING DOWN THE THINGS THEY ARE CARRYING.

ERIC:

(calling over his shoulder to Fez) Fez, toss me one of those beers. Hell, toss me two. I'm getting crazy tonight!

FEZ SMILES AND THROWS ERIC A BEER AND THEN ANOTHER.

DONNA:

(shaking her head) I see this night heading downhill really fast.

JACKIE AND HYDE ARE SEPARATED FROM THE REST OF THE GROUP. JACKIE CAN'T SEEM TO MOVE ANY FURTHER INTO THE STORE.

JACKIE:

(quietly) I can't do this ... (shaking her head) I can't do this. (pleading) Steven, take me home.

HYDE TAKES HER FACE IN HIS HANDS AND LOOKS HER IN THE EYES.

HYDE:

(sincerely) I'm right here. Nothing is going to hurt you. Nothing. Ok?

JACKIE:

(gives Hyde a small smile and nods) Ok.

HYDE PULLS JACKIE TO HIM AND GIVES HER A KISS, THEN HE PULLS BACK, SLIGHTLY, AND GETS DIRTY LOOK ON HIS FACE.

HYDE:

Now, lets have a few beers and make out while we slow dance to "Stairway".

JACKIE LAUGHS AND LAYS HER HEAD ON HYDE'S CHEST.

HYDE:

(quietly) I love you, doll.

JACKIE LIFTS HER HEAD UP TO LOOK AT HYDE AND SMILES SWEETLY AT HIM.

JACKIE

I love you too, Steven.

THEIR MOMENT IS BROKEN AS ERIC TURNS UP THE SPEAKERS TO REVEAL HE HAS PLAYED, _"COME SAIL AWAY"_ BY STYX. HYDE GLARES AT ERIC WHEN HE HEARS HIS CHOICE OF MUSIC.

HYDE:

(cranky) Forman, I said put on some music. Styx is not music.

FEZ:

(pointing, accusingly, at the gang) All of you are big, giant, in-the-closet Styx lovers. So stop pretending and go with the groove.

ERIC:

(singing and using dramatic hand gestures) _"On board I'm the captain, so climb aboard_

_We'll search for tomorrow on every shore"_

DONNA:

(slightly irritated) Eric, you're not helping.

ERIC:

(with a grin) Sure I am, Donna. Nobody can be sad when Dennis DeYoung is singing. I know what you guys really wanna do. (to Jackie) And it's not cry, (to Donna) and it's not worry, (to Kelso) and it's not shoot people. It's ... (with a mellow smile) sing a little Styx. Come on, you guys. We're gonna do what the man says, and (singing) _"Carry on"_

ERIC:

(looking around the group) Who wants to sing with me?

FEZ:

(raising his hand) I wanna sing!

HYDE:

(scowling at Fez) You always wanna sing.

ERIC LOOKS DISAPPOINTED THAT NO ONE WANTS TO JOIN HIM.

ERIC:

Nobody?

SUDDENLY KELSO BRAVELY STEPS FORWARD AND SMILES AT BROOKE.

KELSO:

This is for you, Brooke! (taking Brooke's hand he sings, with a very cheesy smile) _"I look to the sea"_

ERIC:

(yells, proudly, to Kelso) Take it away, Kelso.

KELSO:

(singing, very melodramatically) _"Reflections in the waves spark my memory"_ Come on, Brooke. Sing. It'll make you feel like one of us.

BROOKE VERY RELUCTANTLY JOINS KELSO IN SINGING. KELSO LOOKS SO HAPPY AND BROOKE LOOKS REALLY SELF-CONSCIOUS.

KELSO AND BROOKE:

"_Some happy, some sad_

_I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had_"

FEZ:

(with a dreamy sigh) Oh my God, it is like this song is about us.

NOW FEZ AND LAURIE JOIN IN THE SINGING. ERIC SINGS DIRECTLY AT DONNA AND ALTHOUGH SHE'S TRYING TO ACT ANNOYED, SHE CAN'T SEEM TO STOP LAUGHING AT ERIC. EVEN JACKIE IS STARTING TO SMILE, SLIGHTLY. HYDE IS SCOWLING AND SHAKING HIS HEAD IN DISGUST AT THE WHOLE GROUP.

FEZ, LAURIE, KELSO, BROOKE AND ERIC:

"_We lived happily forever so the story goes_

_But somehow we missed out on the pot of gold_

_But we'll try best that we can"_

ERIC:

(quickly)Come on, Hyde. You know you wanna.

HYDE:

(with a scowl, realizing what he's gonna do) Crap. (Hyde picks up Jackie, wraps her legs around his waist and belts out the song, in true rock 'n roll fashion)_"To carry on"_

EVERYONE LOOKS MOMENTARILY STUNNED AT SEEING HYDE SING STYX. SUDDENLY, THE WHOLE GROUP GETS INTO IT AND AS THE INSTRUMENTAL PART OF THE SONG TAKES OVER, THE GANG FORMS A "BAND". KELSO BEGINS BANGING FURIOUSLY ON HIS AIR DRUMS AND FEZ STARTS PLAYING AIR GUITAR. ERIC GRABS A BROOM AND USES IT AS A MICROPHONE. HYDE SETS JACKIE BACK DOWN ON THE GROUND AND THEY START DANCING. JACKIE IS SLOWLY RELAXING AS SHE LAUGHS AT HYDE DANCING TO STYX. LAURIE, DONNA AND BROOKE BEGIN DOING A LITTLE DANCE LIKE THEY ARE BACK-UP SINGERS. BROOKE IS STARTING TO LOOSEN UP. ERIC HOPS UP ON THE COFFEE TABLE IN THE LISTENING PIT WITH HIS"MICROPHONE" AND BEGINS BELTING OUT THE SONG.

ERIC:

"_A gathering of angels appeared_ _above my head_

_They sang to me this song of hope_

_And this is what they said_

_They said"_

ERIC GETS OFF THE TABLE AND MAKES HIS WAY OVER TO JACKIE AND HYDE. ERIC PUTS HIS "MICROPHONE" BETWEEN THE THREE OF THEM SO THEY CAN ALL SING INTO IT. AT THIS POINT EVERYONE IS SINGING. PEOPLE ARE JUMPING ON FURNITURE, KELSO IS TOSSING OUT BEERS TO EVERYONE. IT'S TOTAL MADNESS.

THE GANG:

"_Come sail away _

_Come sail away_

_Come sail away with me"_

ERIC:

(dipping his microphone and doing his best "Steven Tyler" moves) _"Lads"_

DONNA PULLS JACKIE OVER TO THE GIRLS AND THE FOUR OF THEM FORM A CIRCLE AND BEGIN DANCING AND SINGING TO EACH OTHER.THE GUYS ARE STILL PLAYING THEIR IMAGINARY INSTRUMENTS AND KELSO AND HYDE PRESS THEIR BACKS UP AGAINST EACH OTHER AS KELSO PLAYS HIS AIR GUITAR AND HYDE IS SLAMMING A BEER.

THE GANG:

"_Come sail away_

_Come sail away_

_Come sail away with me"_

THE GUYS HEAD OVER TO THE GIRLS AND THEY EACH GRAB THEIR WOMAN. HYDE COMES UP BEHIND JACKIE AND WRAPS HIS ARMS AROUND HER, SINGING IN HER EAR. ERIC SERENADES DONNA, LAURIE AND FEZ BEGIN DANCING AND KELSO DANCES SPASTICALLY AROUND BROOKE AS SHE JUST SMILES.

"_Come_ _sail away_

_Come sail away_

_Come sail away with me"_

ERIC:

(winks at Donna) _"Baby" _

THE GANG:

"_Come sail away_

_Come sail away_

_Come sail away with me"_

HYDE TURNS JACKIE AROUND SO HE CAN LOOK AT HER

HYDE:

(with a smirk)Feeling better?

JACKIE:

(wrapping her arms around Hyde's neck, she nods) Yeah.

HYDE:

Good. (he frowns) 'Cause I am never, _never_ doing this again.

JACKIE LAUGHS AND LEANS IN TO KISS HYDE.

FEZ:

(screaming to be heard over the music) This is the greatest day of my life!

THE GANG CONTINUES THEIR DANCE PARTY

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, LATER THAT NIGHT. THE GANG ENTERS THE KITCHEN THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR. EVERYBODY LOOKS A LITTLE TIPSY AND THEY DO NOT NOTICE KITTY LOOKING IN THE FRIDGE.

HYDE:

(points, threateningly, at everyone) Now remember, we never talk about what happened tonight.

KITTY:

Ooh, what happened tonight?

EVERYBODY LOOKS A LITTLE STARTLED BY KITTY'S VOICE AND NOBODY SAYS A WORD FOR A FEW SECONDS.

KELSO:

(yells, excitedly) Hyde sang Styx!

HYDE IMMEDIATELY BEGINS CHASING KELSO INTO THE LIVING ROOM. THE DOOR CLOSES BEHIND THEM AND AFTER A FEW SECONDS WE HEAR KELSO YELP OUT.

KELSO:

(off-camera) OW! My eye!

ERIC:

(nods and grins at Brooke) This happens a lot.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

END SEASON 8

UP NEXT ...

The Season 9 Premiere

"C'mon Everybody"

The gang accompanies Eric to a "Star Wars" convention while Red and Kitty play host to a temporarily homeless Bob and Joanne.


	32. C'mon Everybody

"C'mon Everybody"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by The Sex Pistols.

Alright, here we go. This is Episode 9-1.

I own nothing. I'm just trying to make up for the horrible way the show ended.

Thank you guys so much for all your reviews!! Oh, and I hope no "Star Wars" fans take offense at all the insults hurled at Eric. The jabs are written with love. Come on, who doesn't love "Star Wars"? Hope you enjoy!!

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, MORNING. DONNA IS SITTING AT THE TABLE HAVING A CUP OF COFFEE, ERIC IS PACING, HE LOOKS VERY ANNOYED. THEY HAVE SUITCASES ON THE FLOOR NEAR THEM.

ERIC:

(exasperated) Where the hell is everyone?

DONNA:

(with a grin) Probably trying to break their legs so they have an excuse not to come to the "Star Wars" convention with us.

ERIC:

(excitedly) Oh, come on, Donna. It's gonna be great.

DONNA:

(with a pout) Sure, for you. For the rest of us it's gonna be like hell, but without the open bar.

ERIC:

You really think hell has an open bar?

DONNA:

(nodding) I'm hoping it does.

HYDE, CARRYING LAYLA, AND JACKIE, CARRYING JAGGER, ENTER. HYDE LOOKS LESS THAN THRILLED.

HYDE:

Alright, let's go before my buzz wears off and I come to my senses.

JACKIE LEANS INTO HYDE AND STARTS RUNNING A HAND UP AND DOWN HIS CHEST.

JACKIE:

Steven, it's not going to be that bad. Your dad got us the best suite in the hotel. (in a husky voice) We are going to have a very, very good time.

A SMILE CREEPS ACROSS HYDE'S FACE AND HE AND JACKIE BEGIN KISSING AS ERIC AND DONNA WATCH WITH ANNOYED EXPRESSIONS.

DONNA:

(whispers to Eric) Twenty bucks she comes home knocked up again.

ERIC NODS AT DONNA IN AGREEMENT AS RED AND KITTY ENTER FROM THE LIVING ROOM.

KITTY:

Are you kids all ready to go?

JACKIE AND HYDE BREAK THEIR KISS AND TURN TO RED AND KITTY. ERIC HEADS TO THE SLIDING DOOR AND LOOKS OUT OF IT, ANXIOUSLY.

RED:

(eagerly) If you're not, I'll help you pack.

KITTY:

(ignoring Red) Steven, it was so nice of your father to pay for all of you kids to take a vacation to Chicago.

HYDE:

Yeah, nothing makes up for almost being killed like room service and a mini-bar.

ERIC:

(his voice cracking as he starts to get worked up) Alright, if Kelso and Fez aren't here in five minutes we're leaving without them. The guy who plays Chewie is only there til two o'clock and if I miss getting his autograph heads are gonna roll.

JACKIE SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE WITH DONNA AND THE TWO GIRLS START PLAYING WITH JAGGER.

HYDE:

(to Eric) Hey, is Han Solo gonna be there?

ERIC:

(turns to Hyde, confused) Why?

HYDE:

(taunting Eric) I wanna buy him a beer for bagging Leia.

ERIC:

(points a finger at Hyde and looks like he's fighting back tears) You shut up about that!

THE SLIDING DOOR FLIES OPEN AND KELSO, CARRYING BETSY, BROOKE AND LAURIE ENTER.

KELSO:

(out of breath) We're here, we're here.

BROOKE:

(very apologetically) I am so sorry we're late.

LAURIE:

We sort of forgot something so we had to turn around.

ERIC:

(looking around, in confusion) What'd you forget?

FEZ ENTERS THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR. HE IS GLARING AT LAURIE.

FEZ:

Laurie, how could you have forgotten me?

LAURIE:

(with a whine) Because, you made me carry the luggage. You know I can only remember one thing at a time.

RED STARTS HERDING THE KIDS TOGETHER AND GUIDING THEM TOWARDS THE DOOR.

RED:

(to all the kids) Alright, finish up your fight in the car. My weekend alone is starting now. (with a smile) So - get out.

DONNA, ERIC, KELSO, BETSY, BROOKE, LAURIE AND FEZ EXIT. KITTY CALLS AFTER THEM THROUGH THE OPEN GLASS DOOR. JACKIE STANDS UP AND SHE AND HYDE START TO LEAVE AS WELL.

KITTY:

We'll miss you. Call us when you get there.

RED:

(calling after the kids) We won't miss you and don't call.

KITTY:

(turns to Red and frowns, angrily) Red, that's a horrible thing to say.

RED:

I stand by my statement, Kitty.

KITTY STOPS JACKIE AND HYDE FROM LEAVING AND HANDS HYDE A PICTURE.

KITTY:

(sadly) Steven, Jackie, I want you to put this picture of me up in your room so the twins don't forget what I look like. And don't forget to call me tonight so I can sing them a song before they go to sleep.

RED:

(to Hyde, threateningly) Steven, you call here tonight I will go to Chicago, hunt you down and kick your ass.

HYDE:

(quickly, to Kitty) I'll talk to you when we get home, Mom.

HYDE GIVES KITTY A QUICK KISS ON THE CHEEK AND THEN HE, JACKIE AND THE BABIES EXIT. KITTY TURNS BACK TO RED AND GLARES AT HIM.

KITTY:

Red, you practically threw those kids out of here. I didn't even get to kiss the twins goodbye.

RED:

(grinning, slyly, at Kitty) Well, how about I take the kiss you were going to give them?

KITTY:

(with a giggle) Red Forman, you little devil.

RED SMILES AND PULLS KITTY TO HIM, AND KISSES HER. THEY KISS FOR A FEW SECONDS AND THEN THE SLIDING DOOR OPENS AND BOB AND JOANNE WALK IN HOLDING SUITCASES.

BOB:

(with a huge smile) Hey there, hi there, ho there, neighbors. Or should we say - roomies?

RED:

(looking upward, very annoyed) Take me now, Lord.

KITTY SMILES, NERVOUSLY AT BOB AND JOANNE.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

NEW SHOTS FOR THEME SONG

SHOT 1

ERIC DRIVING, DONNA NEXT TO HIM, HYDE NEXT TO HER, WITH JACKIE ON HIS LAP. IN THE BACK SEAT: BEHIND HYDE - FEZ, WITH LAURIE IN HIS LAP, KELSO NEXT TO THEM AND BROOKE NEXT TO HIM.

"_Hangin' out"_

SHOT 2

RED DRIVING, KITTY NEXT TO HIM. IN THE BACKSEAT: BOB IN THE MIDDLE WITH HIS ARMS AROUND ERIC AND DONNA.

"_Down the street"_

SHOT 3

HYDE DRIVING, ERIC NEXT TO HIM, THEN FEZ. IN THE BACKSEAT: JACKIE BEHIND HYDE, THEN DONNA, THEN LAURIE.

"_The same old thing"_

SHOT 4

RED DRIVING WITH HIS ARM AROUND KITTY. IN THE BACKSEAT: BOB WITH HIS ARM AROUND JOANNE.

"_We did last week"_

SHOT 5

FEZ DRIVING, HYDE NEXT TO HIM, THEN KELSO. IN THE BACKSEAT; DONNA BEHIND FEZ, ERIC NEXT TO HER, THEN JACKIE.

"_Not a thing to do"_

SHOT 6

RED DRIVING AND LOOKING VERY CRANKY, A FLUSTERED-LOOKING KITTY NEXT TO HIM, SHOTZIE SITS IN BETWEEN THEM. IN THE BACKSEAT: ERIC, LAURIE AND HYDE, FIGHTING WITH EACH OTHER.

"_But talk to you"_

SHOT 7

HYDE DRIVING WITH HIS ARM AROUND JACKIE. IN THE BACKSEAT: JAGGER AND LAYLA ARE IN THEIR INFANT SEATS.

"_We're all alright"_

SHOT 8

ERIC DRIVING, DONNA NEXT TO HIM, HYDE NEXT TO HER, WITH JACKIE IN HIS LAP. IN THE BACKSEAT: BEHIND HYDE - FEZ, WITH LAURIE IN HIS LAP, KELSO NEXT TO THEM AND BROOKE NEXT TO HIM.

"_We're all alright"_

SHOT 9

THE LICENSE PLATE, WHICH NOW HAS AN "80" STICKER ON IT. EXCEPT, THE "80" IS CROOKED AND YOU CAN SEE THE NUMBER, "7" POKING OUT UNDERNEATH IT.

"_Hello, Wisconsin!"_

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING. BOB IS SMILING AT RED AND RED CONTINUES TO FUME.

RED:

(with a scowl) Why do you have a suitcase, Bob? (he turns to Kitty) Kitty, why does Bob have a suitcase?

BOB:

(quickly) It'd just be for a few days. See, we're having the entire house re-carpeted. (excitedly) It's gonna be wall-to-wall shag. (with a dreamy smile) It'll be like we're walking around on baby sheep. (Joanne nods in agreement)

RED:

(with a very phony smile) That's great, Bob. Have a nice week-end at the hotel.

KITTY:

(poking Red in the ribs) Red! (apologetically, to Bob) He didn't mean that.

RED:

(nodding at Kitty, with fake sincerity) You're right, Kitty. (to Bob, with an evil smile) Bob - I don't really care if you have a nice week-end.

KITTY ROLLS HER EYES, TOTALLY EXASPERATED WITH RED. THEN, SHE SMILES AT BOB AND JOANNE.

KITTY:

You two are more than welcome to stay here.

RED:

Kitty, this was supposed to be our week-end alone.

BOB:

You'll never even know we're here. And you two just do whatever it is you would do if we weren't here.

JOANNE:

(smirking) We'll just ignore any strange noises we hear.

BOB:

(smiles and nods) That's right. If I can ignore the fact that your dirty, dirty son sneaks into my house to sleep with my little girl - I can ignore anything.

RED:

Why are we overlooking the hotel option? I'll even pay for it. (he frowns at Bob) Anything to avoid seeing you in your pajamas.

BOB:

(with a pout) What's wrong with my pajamas?

RED:

(with a disgusted scowl) You wear that little robe that doesn't cover your ass, Bob. That's not a sight I'm prepared for at seven in the morning. Or ... ever.

JOANNE:

(to Red) Do you think we want to stay here with you? Terrified that after we fall asleep we'll wake up with a foot in our ass? We tried to get a hotel room. The hotel is full, the Shriners are in town.

KITTY:

(shaking her head in irritation) Those darn Shriners. I don't like their goofy little hats. I wish they'd just have their circus and move on to Kenosha.

RED:

(with a sigh) Oh for God's sake, fine. (he points, threateningly, at Bob) But that robe is not making an appearance in my house.

KITTY STARTS CLAPPING LIKE AN EXCITED LITTLE KID.

KITTY:

Yay! It'll be fun. (to Joanne) Kind of like a slumber party.

JOANNE:

(to Kitty, with a laugh) We can fix each other's hair.

BOB THROWS HIS ARM AROUND RED AND GIVES HIM A TEASING SMILE.

BOB:

I call Red's hair.

RED SCOWLS AT BOB, CLEARLY NOT ENJOYING THE JOKE.

BOB:(cont'd)

(nervously) That was a joke, Red.

RED:

(with a wicked grin) You wanna be a comedian? You can sleep in Steven's room. It's real funny in the basement.

KITTY SMILES, AWKWARDLY, AT POOR BOB. WHILE RED CONTINUES TO GLARE.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. CHICAGO, A HOTEL LOBBY, THAT AFTERNOON. THE HOTEL AND LOBBY ARE VERY ELEGANT AND EXPENSIVE LOOKING. LAURIE AND JACKIE ARE STANDING AT THE DESK, CHECKING IN, THEY HAVE THE TWINS IN TWO CARRIAGES. KELSO IS HOLDING BROOKE'S HAND AND BROOKE IS HOLDING BETSY. KELSO IS WIDE-EYED AS HE LOOKS AROUND THE LOBBY. THERE ARE PEOPLE IN "STAR WARS" COSTUMES WANDERING THE LOBBY. DONNA IS ADMIRING THE SPLENDOR OF THE HOTEL AND ERIC IS SMILING LIKE HE'S IN HEAVEN AS HE CHECKS OUT THE PEOPLE IN COSTUMES. HYDE LOOKS UNAFFECTED BY EVERYTHING AND HE IS LOADED DOWN WITH LUGGAGE AND AN OVERFLOWING BAG OF TOYS.

KELSO:

This is a real classy place. I bet this is the kind of hotel that has dirty movies.

DONNA:

God, it's beautiful in here.

ERIC:

I know, look at all the people in "Star Wars" costumes.

DONNA SHAKES HER HEAD AT ERIC.

BROOKE:

Michael, Betsy wants her teddy bear. Where's our bag?

KELSO LOOKS OUT THE DOORS TO THE HOTEL LIKE HE'S WAITING FOR SOMEONE.

KELSO:

I don't know. Fez sure is taking his sweet time with the luggage.

BROOKE:

(slightly horrified) Did you make Fez carry our bags?

KELSO:

(with a smile and a nod) He doesn't mind. He's gotten super good at it over the years.

HYDE:

That's true. And it's not like we make him drive us places while we sit in the back seat and yell at him through a window.

KELSO:

(excitedly) Man, we should do that.

HYDE GETS A WICKED SMIRK AND NODS IN AGREEMENT. JACKIE AND LAURIE, EACH PUSHING A CARRIAGE, JOIN THE REST OF THE GANG AND START PASSING OUT KEYS.

JACKIE:

Alright, we got the rooms. Here's our key, Steven. (with a sexy smile) King size bed, hot tub and the babies are asleep.

HYDE QUICKLY TURNS TO THE OTHERS AND GRINS.

HYDE:

(doing his "Daffy Duck") So long, suckers.

HYDE TAKES THE CARRIAGE FROM LAURIE AND HE AND JACKIE START HEADING OFF. ERIC STEPS IN FRONT OF THEM AND STOPS THEM FROM LEAVING.

ERIC:

Wait a minute, we have to plan our strategy. I thought we could do autographs first, and then visit the spaceship models, and then we can attend the lecture, "How to use the force in your life".

LAURIE:

(laughing, evilly at Eric) When did you make the leap from pathetic dork to complete and total loser?

LAURIE EXITS, FOLLOWING IN THE DIRECTION JACKIE AND HYDE HEADED.

KELSO:

Forman, we're not actually going to the convention with you.

BROOKE:

(smiling, sweetly) I don't know, it might be fun.

KELSO:

(smiling, a little condescendingly, at Brooke) Brooke, I know you're new here and all but you've gotta stop being so nice to everybody. It's just not what we do.

KELSO, BROOKE, AND BETSY HEAD OFF. ERIC STILL HAS HYDE AND JACKIE TRAPPED.

ERIC:

Hyde, come on. You've gotta go to the convention with me. Think of all the geeks out there just waiting for you to kick their asses.

HYDE:

As much as I'd love to, Forman, Jackie and I have some things to do in our room. And they don't involve stars. Fireworks, yes. Stars, no.

HYDE AND JACKIE HEAD OFF AS ERIC CALLS AFTER THEM.

ERIC:

I can't believe you're ditching me.

HYDE:

(over his shoulder, to Eric) Sorry, man. Expensive places make Jackie horny.

HYDE AND JACKIE ARE GONE. A DEJECTED LOOKING ERIC TURNS TO DONNA AND GIVES HER A HUGE SMILE.

ERIC:

Donna, you're with me, right?

DONNA:

(hesitantly) Um ...

ERIC:

(in a sing-song voice) There's beer and a concession stand.

DONNA:

(with a laugh) I'm there.

ERIC PULLS DONNA TO HIM AND KISSES HER. FEZ ENTERS THROUGH THE HOTEL DOORS, CARRYING SEVERAL BAGS. HE DROPS THEM ALL ON THE FLOOR AND GLARES AT ERIC AND DONNA. DONNA IS TRYING VERY HARD NOT TO LAUGH.

FEZ:

(breathlessly) That's it! No more bags. (getting angry) I am not your freaking servant. I have pride.

A VERY WEALTHY LOOKING HOTEL GUEST WALKS UP TO FEZ AND HOLDS A BAG OUT IN ONE HAND AND MONEY IN THE OTHER HAND.

HOTEL GUEST:

(to Fez) Would you take our bags up to room 308?

FEZ HESITATES FOR A SECOND AND THEN TAKES THE MONEY AND THEN THE BAG FROM THE HOTEL GUEST.

FEZ:

(quickly) Right away, sir.

FEZ SCURRIES OFF AND ERIC AND DONNA WATCH HIM GO, SHAKING THEIR HEADS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT JACKIE AND HYDE'S HOTEL ROOM, A FEW MINUTES LATER. THE ROOM IS ENORMOUS WITH IT'S OWN BAR AND A HUGE BED. THERE ARE TWO CRIBS SET UP NEAR THE BED. HYDE AND JACKIE ENTER WITH THE BABIES IN THEIR CARRIAGES AND JACKIE HAS A HUGE SMILES ON HER FACE AS SHE SURVEYS THE ROOM.

JACKIE:

Oh my God, look at this room.

HYDE LEAVES THE CARRIAGE HE HAS BEEN PUSHING, CROSSES TO THE BED AND DROPS HIS LUGGAGE ON IT.

HYDE:

(grinning wickedly) Look at the size of this bed. (he turns to Jackie) Do you know how much maneuvering room there is in that bed?

JACKIE LEAVES THE CARRIAGES AND HEADS TOWARDS HYDE AND THE BED.

JACKIE:

It reminds me of the bed in our honeymoon suite.

HYDE:

That was the coolest bed, ever. (quietly, to the babies) Hey, if you guys stay asleep for the next 30 minutes I'll buy you both a car when you turn sixteen.

JACKIE:

(grinning at Hyde) Ok, but just remember the little souvenirs we brought home from our last vacation.

HYDE:

Way ahead of you, doll.

HYDE REACHES INTO ONE OF HIS BAG AND PULLS OUT A GIANT BOX OF CONDOMS AND SLAMS THEM DOWN ON THE DRESSER.

JACKIE:

Oh, Steven. You are so foxy. (in a deep voice) Pop that box open.

HYDE YANKS JACKIE TOWARDS HIM AND IN ONE MOVEMENT SPINS THEM BOTH DOWN ONTO THE BED, PULLING HER DOWN ON TOP OF HIM. THEY START MAKING OUT AS KELSO AND FEZ ENTER, OBLIVIOUS TO HYDE AND JACKIE'S KISSING.

KELSO:

(excitedly) Aren't these rooms awesome? They're all connected. (he points to the door he and Fez just came through) See, this door leads to me and Brooke's room and the next door leads to Fez and Laurie's room and the door after that one leads to Eric and Donna's room.

HYDE SITS UP IN BED AND GLARES, VERY ANNOYED, AT KELSO AND FEZ.

HYDE:

Why don't you try and find the door that leads outside and get the hell out of here.

KELSO:

(pouting) You don't gotta be so rude about it.

FEZ:

(scowling at Hyde) And to think, we came in to ask you to join us at the aquarium.

KELSO:

(wagging his finger, spastically, at Hyde) You can forget about seeing all those fish now, buddy.

HYDE:

(very sarcastically) I'll try and console myself by doing it with my super hot wife.

JACKIE:

(staring up at Hyde) God, I love you.

JACKIE, VERY FORCEFULLY, YANKS HYDE BACK TO HER AND THEY START MAKING OUT AGAIN. KELSO WATCHES WITH ANNOYANCE AND FEZ IS SMILING PERVERSELY AT THE SIGHT.

KELSO:

(frowning) C'mon, Fez. These guys suck.

FEZ:

Actually, I think they are on to something. I am sorry, Kelso, but Laurie and I will not be joining you at the aquarium.

FEZ QUICKLY EXITS.

KELSO:

I can't believe all you guys would rather sit in here and do it than go see millions of cute little fish. (a beat) Wait. What the hell am I saying?

KELSO RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM AS JACKIE AND HYDE CONTINUE GOING AT IT ON THE BED. A FEW SECONDS PASS AND KELSO SNEAKS BACK IN, VERY QUIETLY. HE SLOWLY REACHES TOWARDS THE DRESSER AND GRABS HYDE'S BOX OF CONDOMS, THEN HE TAKES OFF RUNNING AGAIN.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. THE HOTEL CONVENTION CENTER, A SHORT WHILE LATER. THE "STAR WARS" CONVENTION IS IN FULL SWING AS ERIC AND DONNA WANDER, HAND IN HAND, THROUGH IT ALL. THERE ARE PEOPLE IN "STAR WARS" COSTUMES EVERYWHERE. THERE ARE VARIOUS BOOTHS SET UP WITH PEOPLE SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS AND SELLING THINGS AND THINGS ON DISPLAY. ERIC LOOKS COMPLETELY AWED BY EVERYTHING AND DONNA LOOKS MILDLY AMUSED.

ERIC:

(shaking his head in dismay) Those guys don't know what they're missing, Donna. I can't believe they would rather mess around up in their rooms then come down to the convention.

DONNA:

(very sarcastically) Yeah. What a bunch of weirdos. I mean, who chooses sex over a "Star Wars" convention?

ERIC:

(in disbelief, clearly not picking up on Donna's sarcasm) I know!

ERIC AND DONNA CONTINUE STROLLING THROUGH THE CONVENTION AND ERIC STARTS GREETING OTHER FANS

ERIC:(cont'd)

(to a fellow conventioneer) Hi. How ya doin'. (giving another the thumbs up and a big smile) Great costume. (nodding, solemnly, at another) May the force be with you.

DONNA WATCHES ERIC'S GREETINGS WITH MILD ANNOYANCE.

DONNA:

(quietly) Eric, stop doing that. People are looking at us funny.

ERIC:

No, Donna. People are looking at _you _funny. They can tell you're not a true believer. (melodramatically) Much like Obi-Wan could sense that Han didn't believe in the force.

DONNA ROLLS HER EYES AND STARTS TO PULL AWAY FROM ERIC.

DONNA:

(in a warning tone) I'm leaving.

ERIC PULLS DONNA BACK TOWARDS HIM.

ERIC:

Oh no you're not. I went to a feminist rally for you. And I even got vandalized. You owe me one "Star Wars" convention.

DONNA:

(with a sigh) Fine. But I need to go find where they're selling beer.

ERIC:

Donna, take your jacket off. Nobody can see the shirt I got you.

DONNA TAKES HER JACKET OFF TO REVEAL SHE IS WEARING A TEE SHIRT THAT SAYS, "I LOVE MY STAR WARS GEEK". ERIC NODS HIS APPROVAL AT HER SHIRT.

ERIC:(cont'd)

I hope you're prepared for all the jealous stares you're gonna get from all these chicks dressed like Princess Leia. You know, Donna, you look really hot in white.

DONNA:

(flatly) Don't even think about it, Eric.

ERIC:

I'm just puttin' it out there.

DONNA:

Well put it back in, 'cause I'm not dressing up like Princess Leia.

ERIC:

(excitedly, pointing off in the distance) Oh my God, there's one of the midgets that plays a Jawa. Let's get his autograph.

DONNA:

(looking at the line in front of them) Eric, that line is like two hundred people long.

ERIC:

Yeah? So? (with his best sexy smile) You go get us a couple beers the time will fly by, baby.

DONNA:

(chuckling at Eric) Ok, but if I run into Harrison Ford in the beer line I'm taking off with him.

ERIC:

Fair enough. (suddenly very serious) Ooh, what if you run into Mark Hamill?

DONNA:

(with a teasing smile) I'll offer him my condolences on losing Leia to Han.

A VERY NERDY LOOKING GUY IN A LUKE COSTUME STANDING IN FRONT OF ERIC AND DONNA TURNS AND GLARES AT DONNA AFTER HEARING HER COMMENT.

GEEK:

(insistently) Leia loves Luke!

ERIC:

(to the geek) _THANK YOU!_ I've been trying to explain that to her. (he turns back to Donna and throws his arms in the air) I've been trying to explain that to you.

DONNA:

(wandering away from Eric and calling out to no one in particular) Beer? Anybody know where they sell the beer?

DONNA EXITS. ERIC WATCHES HER GO AND SHAKES HIS HEAD, WITH A CONDESCENDING SMILE. THEN ERIC TURNS BACK TO TALK TO THE GEEK IN FRONT OF HIM IN THE LINE.

ERIC:

She just doesn't get it. None of my friends get it.

GEEK:

(deadly serious) I get it, man. It rips your frickin' heart out thinking about Leia with Han.

ERIC:

(nodding, sadly) It really does.

GEEK:

Hey, if it's any consolation - I hear there's a really cool Muppet in "The Empire Strikes Back".

ERIC:

(nodding) That helps a little. Muppets make me smile.

THE GEEK NODS IN AGREEMENT WITH ERIC.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 6

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, THAT NIGHT. BOB, JOANNE AND KITTY ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH. RED IS IN HIS CHAIR. THE GUYS ARE HAVING A BEER AND THE WOMEN ARE HAVING A GLASS OF WINE. THEY ARE ALL WATCHING TV AND WHILE THE WOMEN ARE VERY INTO WHAT THEY ARE WATCHING THE GUYS LOOK VERY IRRITATED BY WHAT IS ON TV.

BOB:

(staring at the TV) What private detective wears shorts that short?

RED:

(in disgust) A fruity one.

BOB:

I bet Charlie's Angels are better detectives then Magnum. They definitely look better in shorts.

KITTY:

(smiling as she watches the TV, very intently) I don't care what you two say. I love that Magnum.

JOANNE:

(to Kitty) I'd invent some horrible crime just to have an excuse to hire him.

KITTY:

(with a giggle) Look at all that chest hair.

JOANNE:

The snazzy little red car is a nice touch, too.

RED:

(frowning at Kitty and Joanne) Would you two like us to leave?

KITTY:

No. (she gives Red a teasing smile) But if you're getting up could you bring in the wine?

RED:

Anything else?

BOB:

(smiling at Red) A little popcorn would be nice, too.

RED GLARES AT BOB WHO GIVES RED A SMALL APOLOGETIC SMILE.

BOB:(cont'd)

(nervously) Then again, I could make the popcorn.

RED:

(giving Bob a very fake smile) That's a good idea, Bob.

RED GETS UP AND EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN FOLLOWED BY A VERY HUMBLED LOOKING BOB.

JOANNE:

(calling after the guys) Lots of butter!

KITTY:

(to Joanne, with a guilty smile) Red is going to be so angry with me tomorrow. (she turns back to the TV and smiles) But when I look at Magnum's tiny little shorts, I just don't seem to care.

JOANNE:

You know, it's about time they put a show on the air that gives women a chance to do the objectifying.

KITTY:

Yep. (she smiles) Equal rights are great.

KITTY AND JOANNE CLINK GLASSES AND TURN THEIR ATTENTION BACK TO THE TV.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, THE NEXT MORNING. JOANNE AND BOB ARE AT THE STOVE COOKING. THE TABLE HAS BEEN SET COMPLETE WITH FLOWERS AND CANDLES AND THERE IS FOOD AND JUICE OUT. RED AND KITTY ENTER FROM THE LIVING ROOM AND LOOK AROUND, VERY STUNNED BY WHAT THEY SEE. EVERYONE IS IN THEIR PAJAMAS.

BOB:

(happily, to Red and Kitty) Awaken bacon!

RED:

(looking mildly annoyed) What are you doing, Bob?

BOB:

Cooking you two breakfast. (indicating his pajamas) And look, I even wore my long robe for ya.

KITTY CROSSES OVER TO THE TABLE AND SMILES AT ALL THE FOOD. RED FOLLOWS BEHIND HER, A LITTLE SKEPTICAL.

KITTY:

That smells delicious.

JOANNE:

(proudly) Eggs Benedict.

KITTY:

Oh my goodness, how fancy. (to Red) I feel like we have servants.

JOANNE:

And after breakfast I thought Kitty and I could go see "Nine To Five". My treat.

BOB:

That's right and I'm takin' Red out for beer and darts. (tentatively, to Red) How does that sound, buddy?

RED TRIES HIS BEST TO LOOK ANNOYED AS EVERYONE STARES AT HIM WAITING FOR HIS REACTION.

RED:

Well ... it could be worse I guess.

RED AND KITTY SIT AT THE TABLE AS BOB AND JOANNE BEGIN SERVING THEM BREAKFAST.

KITTY:

(quietly, to Red) Red, I love our new roommates.

RED GIVES KITTY A VERY RELUCTANT GRIN AS BOB AND JOANNE CONTINUE TO DISH OUT BREAKFAST.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S HOTEL ROOM, THAT AFTERNOON. FEZ ANDS HYDE ARE SITTING ON THE BED DRINKING BEER AS KELSO, ALSO DRINKING A BEER, JUMPS UP AND DOWN ON THE BED LIKE A SPASTIC LITTLE KID. ALL THREE ARE STARING AT THE TV. VERY BAD DISCO MUSIC AND LOTS OF MOANING AND GROANING CAN BE HEARD COMING FROM THE TV.

FEZ:

(nodding, approvingly, at the TV)Very interesting move. That is one talented pizza delivery boy.

ERIC ENTERS THE ROOM THROUGH THE ADJOINING DOOR FROM KELSO AND BROOKE'S ROOM HE WALKS TOWARDS THE GUYS AND PLANTS HIMSELF IN FRONT OF THE TV

ERIC:

(to the guys) Alright, m'lady and I are off. Many more galaxies to explore down at the convention. (looking around the room) Where are the girls and the kids?

KELSO:

(still jumping on the bed, eyes glued to the TV) Shopping.

HYDE:

(gesturing for Eric to move over) Hey. Forman. You make a better door than a window, man.

ERIC:

You sure you guys don't wanna come? Today's light saber duel day. We can challenge each other to duels.

KELSO STOPS JUMPING AND GLARES, ANGRILY, AT ERIC.

KELSO:

Eric, we've got dirty movies up here. Are there dirty movies downstairs?

ERIC:

No.

KELSO:

(getting very worked-up, he yells at Eric) Then I guess we're stayin' up here, aren't we!

DONNA ENTERS THE ROOM, SHE IMMEDIATELY FROWNS AS SHE SEES THE GUYS GATHERED AROUND THE TV.

DONNA:

Alright, I can tell by the bad music and all the moaning that you freaks are watching porn. So turn it off before I have to kick a little ass.

FEZ:

(whispers, frantically, to Hyde) Do it. I fear Donna.

HYDE GRABS THE CLICKER AND TURNS OFF THE TV AS ERIC CROSSES TO DONNA AND WRAPS HIS ARMS AROUND HER WAIST.

ERIC:

Are you ready, my inter-stellar hottie?

DONNA:

(to the guys) God, the things we do for love.

HYDE:

(to Donna) No. The things _you _do for love. (smirking) The things the rest of us do for love usually involve a lot less clothing and a lot more fun.

ERIC:

(waving good-bye to the guys) May the force be with you, my friends.

THE GUYS ALL STARE AT ERIC. HYDE LOOKS LIKE HE'S GONNA PUNCH ERIC, FEZ SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISGUST AND KELSO IS STARING WITH A BIG, OPEN-MOUTHED GRIN.

KELSO:

(laughing at Eric) You better run, man. I'm pretty sure Hyde's about to kick your ass.

ERIC AND DONNA EXIT

FEZ:

Ai! Thank God Mom and Dad are finally gone. Bring on the porn!

HYDE:

My favorite phrase in the English language.

HYDE TURNS THE TV BACK ON AND THE BAD MUSIC AND MOANING RETURN. THE GUYS ALL GRIN AND TURN THEIR ATTENTION BACK TO THE TV.

KELSO:

(suddenly nervous) Guys, what do we do if our women walk in here and see us watching porn? 'Cause if they catch us it's a pretty safe bet (pointing at the TV) _that's_ the only sex we're gonna be seeing for the rest of the vacation.

HYDE:

(to Kelso) When the girls walk in we just shut the TV off, moron.

KELSO:

(with a dopey smile) Man, it's so awesome to have a woman to answer to again. It just feels good, you know. What's the fun in doing something bad if you've got no chick to yell at you for doin' it?

KELSO FLOPS DOWN ON THE BED IN BETWEEN FEZ AND HYDE AND THEY ALL STARE AT THE TV AND DRINK THEIR BEERS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, EARLY THAT EVENING. THERE IS A GAME SET UP ON THE TABLE ALONG WITH A BOTTLE OF WINE AND JOANNE AND KITTY'S PARTIALLY DRUNK GLASSES. JOANNE IS ON THE PHONE AS KITTY DANCES AROUND THE KITCHEN PUTTING OUT FOOD AND PLATES. SHE IS SINGING TO HERSELF.

KITTY:

"_Workin' nine to five_

_What a way to make a livin' "_

RED AND BOB ENTER THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR, BOTH HAVE A HAPPILY BUZZED LOOK ON THEIR FACES.

KITTY:

Well, there are the two most handsome men in Point Place. How was beer and darts?

BOB:

(with a huge smile) It was great. Red only hit me with a dart once.

RED:

(nodding and grinning at Bob) Yep. Except this time it was actually an accident.

KITTY:

I'm glad you had a good time. Why don't you fellas take a seat. Joanne and I made chili cheese dip and I got Yahtzee out.

RED AND BOB TAKE A SEAT AT THE TABLE AS KITTY HEADS TO THE FRIDGE.

RED:

(with a proud grin) Get ready for an ass-kicking, Bob. (holding up his hand) This hand is gonna shake five sixes - I can feel it.

KITTY CROSSES TO THE TABLES AND SETS BEERS DOWN IN FRONT OF RED AND BOB.

BOB:

(to Kitty) How was the movie?

KITTY:

(excitedly) It was so fabulous. I just love Dolly Parton.

BOB:

(nodding) Yep, that is one well-put-together gal.

JOANNE HANGS UP THE PHONE AND CROSSES TO THE TABLE.

JOANNE:

Well, that was the workers at the house. The carpet is all done. We can go home now, Bob.

KITTY:

(her smile fades and she looks sadly at the others) So soon? But we bought that imported beer.

BOB STANDS UP FROM THE TABLE AND JOANNE CROSSES TO HIM AND LINKS HER ARM THROUGH HIS.

BOB:

(patting Red on the back) Thanks for putting up with us, Red.

JOANNE:

(to Red) We know it hasn't been easy for you. Or your foot. I'm sure it's just aching to go up an ass.

RED:

(trying to act grouchy) I suppose it wasn't that bad.

KITTY:

(with a pleading smile to Bob and Joanne) How about one more drink before you go?

BOB LOOKS TO JOANNE WHO GIVES HIM A GRIN, EVERYONE TURNS THEIR ATTENTION TO RED.

BOB:

(hopefully) If it's alright with Red.

RED HESITATES FOR A MINUTE AND THEN SHRUGS.

RED:

What the hell. Let's make it two.

KITTY KISSES RED ON THE TOP OF HIS HEAD AND THEN SCAMPERS TO THE COUNTER TO GET MORE FOOD. BOB AND JOANNE SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE AS RED STARTS SETTING UP YAHTZEE.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. CONVENTION, THAT NIGHT. SEVERAL OTHER "STAR WARS" FANS, SOME IN COSTUME, ARE WANDERING AROUND. A FIGHTING RING HAS BEEN SET UP AND THERE ARE FOUR GUYS BATTLING IT OUT WITH LIGHT SABERS. ERIC AND HIS OPPONENT, DOUG, ARE ONE OF THE PAIRS. DONNA IS STANDING ON THE SIDELINES WATCHING. THE BATTLE ENDS WITH ERIC, VERY MELODRAMATICALLY, BEATING DOUG.

ERIC:

Hey, it was awesome doing battle with you, Doug. You are quite the Jedi.

ERIC AND DOUG SHAKE HANDS.

DOUG:

(with wide-eyed admiration) Eric, you have the most amazing light saber skills. You must practice a lot.

ERIC:

(excitedly) Does it show?

DOUG:

Totally, man.

ERIC LOOKS SO TOUCHED, IT LOOKS LIKE HE MIGHT CRY. DONNA IS STARTING TO LOOK REALLY IRRITATED.

ERIC:

Wow, you have no idea how much that means to me.

DONNA THROWS HER ARMS UP IN THE AIR AND YELLS OUT TO ERIC. SHE IS COMPLETELY FED-UP.

DONNA:

Alright, that's it! I'm gonna go find the girls. Outside. You know - fresh air? That's right, everybody in here could use a little of it. (cupping her hands around her mouth she yells into the crowd) Go outside, expose your sickly pale skin to the sun. (taking a few steps towards Eric) Oh and by the way, Leia is _so_ gonna sleep with Han because you ask any woman on the street who they want and the answer's gonna be - Han freaking Solo!

DONNA STORMS OFF AND ERIC LOOKS MOMENTARILY STUNNED BY HER OUTBURST. HE RESPONDS A LITTLE TIMIDLY AT FIRST.

ERIC:

(calling after Donna) Oh yeah? (gathering up his courage) Well ... that feminist rally ... _totally sucked!_ (with a nod and a cocky smile) That's right, I said it! I'm just like Han Solo, I speak my mind, woman!

DOUG WATCHES THE ENTIRE THING AND HE SMILES, ADORINGLY, AT ERIC, LIKE HE IS SOME SORT OF GOD.

DOUG:

(with an embarrassed laugh) Wow. That was super hot.

ERIC:

(smiling at where Donna walked away) Yep. She's m'little fiery-haired, acid-tongued temptress. If I could just get her to wear the Leia costume she'd be perfect.

HYDE, FEZ AND KELSO WANDER OVER TO THE LIGHT SABER DUEL AREA. THE GUYS ALL LOOK PRETTY DRUNK AND A LITTLE ANXIOUS, AND ALSO, SLIGHTLY IRRITATED AT THEIR SURROUNDINGS.

KELSO:

(looking around with a dopey laugh) Look at all these dudes in their bathrobes.

ERIC IS STUNNED TO SEE THE GUYS. HE HOPS OUT OF THE FIGHTING RING AND HEADS TOWARDS HIS FRIENDS.

ERIC:

Oh my God, I can't believe you guys came.(he pauses when he notices the guys look a little anxious) Wait. What's the matter with you guys? You look a little jittery.

HYDE:

We've been locked in a room for five hours watching porn and drinking. And, surprising as it may be, three dudes watching porn together is a little creepy.

FEZ:

(smiling pervertedly) Yes. But watching it with your wife - now that is just good, clean fun.

ERIC:

You guys are just in time for the next round of light saber duels.

HYDE:

(with an evil grin) Sign me up.

ERIC:

(stunned at Hyde's request) Are you serious?

HYDE:

I've gotta get my aggressions out somehow. And beating on somebody with a stick should do the trick until Jackie gets back.

FEZ:

I am in, too. (lowering his voice and puffing out his chest) Duels are very manly.

ERIC LOOKS TOTALLY THRILLED WITH HIS FRIENDS DECISIONS TO JOIN HIM. HE TURNS TO KELSO.

ERIC:

Kelso, you in?

KELSO:

(staring, nervously, at Hyde) Nu-uh. No way I'm giving Hyde a chance to beat on me with a stick. I used to do it with his wife.

HYDE SMILES, MENACINGLY AT KELSO.

ERIC:

(looking at all the guys) Alright, there's only one fair way to decide who has to get beaten on by Hyde. (very melodramatically) Rock, scissors, paper.

FEZ:

(claps excitedly) Oh yay.

HYDE:

(shaking his head, sadly, at Fez) Here we go.

FEZ:

(points at the guys) Just a warning, rock beats everything. (with a smug smile and a nod) So I shall be rock.

CUT TO THE FIGHTING RING. ERIC AND KELSO ARE PAIRED OFF AND FEZ AND HYDE ARE PAIRED OFF. FEZ LOOKS TOTALLY TERRIFIED AND HYDE IS GRINNING FROM EAR TO EAR.

FEZ:

(sadly) Ai. My day begins with porn and beer and it ends with a trip to the emergency room.

CUT TO ERIC AND KELSO. KELSO IS JUMPING AROUND SPASTICALLY AND ERIC IS TAKING THE WHOLE THING WAY TOO SERIOUSLY AS HE PRACTICES HIS MOVES.

KELSO:

Ok, Eric, a few ground rules, (he gestures, wildly, around his face) avoid the face and (he points to his crotch) Mr. Johnson and the twins.

ERIC:

Mr. Johnson and the who?

KELSO:

The twins, cause there's two of 'em. _Duh_.

CUT TO HYDE AND FEZ

HYDE:

(grinning) Hey, Fez, just a warning, man, I'm a little drunk so I'm seeing two of you. So I'm gonna have to whack both of you.

FEZ:

(with a frown) Ai.

THE GUYS PREPARE TO BATTLE IT OUT.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 5

INT FORMAN BASEMENT, THAT NIGHT. RED, KITTY BOB AND JOANNE HAVE FORMED A VERY DRUNK CIRCLE.

BOB:

(smiling as he looks around the room) I can see why the kids like to hang out down here. You don't gotta be nervous about breaking stuff like you do upstairs. (sadly, to Kitty) I'm real sorry about the glass grapes, Kitty.

CUT TO KITTY SHE IS COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS TO BOB'S COMMENT AND SHE LOOKS VERY EXCITED.

KITTY:

I'm in Steven's chair. I feel like I should be wearing sunglasses. (she laughs) And have a really bad attitude.

CUT TO RED

RED:

(with a grin) I guess that makes me the foreign kid. (doing his imitation of Fez) Blah, blah, blah, no one can understand a damn word I say, blah, blah, blah.

CUT TO JOANNE

JOANNE:

So I get to be Eric? (with a taunting smile, to Red, she does her impression of Eric) Gee, Dad, I think I'll live in your house for the rest of my life and drive you insane.

CUT TO BOB

BOB:

(confused) Who does that make me? Kelso? (with a pout) Aw geez, I don't think I can come with something really stupid to say.

CUT TO KITTY

KITTY:

(very sarcastically) Oh I'm sure you can think of something, Bob. Oops. (with a very strained laugh) That must be Steven's chair talking.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 6

INT. CONVENTION, LATE THAT NIGHT. THE CONVENTION ACTIVITIES ARE STILL GOING ON AS DONNA, CARRYING JAGGER, JACKIE, CARRYING LAYLA, LAURIE AND BROOKE, CARRYING BETSY, WANDER IN . THEY ARE LOOKING AROUND EVERYWHERE.

LAURIE:

(with a bitchy pout) I can't believe we're at a "Star Wars" convention.

JACKIE:

How do you think I feel? A girl as beautiful as I am - these girlfriend-less geeks are going to maul me.

DONNA:

(quickly scanning the crowd) Let's just find the guys and get the hell out of here.

THE GIRLS CONTINUE TO WALK THROUGH THE CONVENTION AND LOOK AROUND. DONNA STOPS DEAD IN HER TRACKS AND STARES STRAIGHT AHEAD AT WHAT SHE SEES.

DONNA:

(with a stunned laugh) Holy. Hell.

THE GIRLS HAVE FOUND THE GUYS. THEY ARE STILL FIGHTING EACH OTHER IN THE LIGHT SABER RING. ERIC AND HYDE ARE NOW FIGHTING EACH OTHER AND KELSO AND FEZ ARE PAIRED UP. THE GUYS NOW LOOK TO BE TAKING IT VERY SERIOUSLY.

BROOKE:

Michael?

AT HEARING BROOKE'S VOICE THE GUYS ALL IMMEDIATELY STOP AND TURN, VERY GUILTILY, TOWARDS THE GIRLS.

KELSO:

Brooke! (stammering) Th-this isn't what it looks like.

DONNA:

(with a taunting smile) Really? 'Cause it looks like you botards are playing with light sabers.

KELSO:

We're not like the rest of these freaks. (smiling proudly) We're doing this 'cause we like to hurt each other. (insistently) I hate "Star Wars", man.

HYDE:

(with a grin) Hey Kelso, didn't you see "Star Wars" like, seven times in the movie theatre?

EVERYONE STARTS CHUCKLING AT KELSO AND BROOKE LOOKS A LITTLE TAKEN-ABACK.

BROOKE:

(to Kelso) You saw "Star Wars" seven times?

KELSO:

(indignantly) _No._ I saw it _eight_ times. (a beat) Wait. That's worse, isn't it?

HYDE:

(nodding) Yep.

FEZ STEPS FORWARDS AND LOOKS VERY APPREHENSIVE.

FEZ:

Laurie, I have a confession to make. (he yells out) I LOVE "STAR WARS"!

LAURIE:

(stunned) Fez ...

FEZ HOPS DOWN OUT OF THE RING AND TAKES LAURIE'S HAND.

FEZ:

I'm sorry, my lovely, it's true. (sadly) I, Fez, am a geek.

HYDE:

(to Fez) Hey, man, that's not really a newsflash.

JACKIE HEADS TOWARDS HYDE AND GIVES HIM A SEXY SMILE.

JACKIE:

Steven, start beating on someone so I can watch.

HYDE:

Really?

JACKIE:

(with a slow nod) Oh yeah.

HYDE HEADS TOWARDS JACKIE AND SHE MEETS HIM HALF-WAY, GRABBING HIS SHIRT AND YANKING HER TO HIM WHILE SHE HOLDS ON TO LAYLA IN HER OTHER ARM. THEY START TO MAKE OUT.

DONNA:

(shaking her head at Jackie and Hyde) You two need help. Your kids are watching.

ERIC STROLLS TOWARDS DONNA GIVING HER HIS BEST SEXY SMILE.

ERIC:

So how about you, Donna? Do I turn you on right now?

LAURIE:

(to Eric) I think a better question would be, "do I turn you on _EVER_?"

DONNA:

(shooting Laurie a dirty look) Alright, that's it. You're goin' down, Laurie.

DONNA YANKS JACKIE AND HYDE APART AND HANDS JAGGER TO HYDE. THEN SHE STEPS INTO THE RING AND BECKONS TO LAURIE.

LAURIE:

You're on!

LAURIE FOLLOWS DONNA INTO THE RING AND THEY BOTH PICK UP LIGHT SABERS AND FACE OFF AGAINST EACH OTHER.

ERIC:

(with a stunned smile) Am I dreaming? 'Cause none of you bastards better wake me up if I am.

KELSO THROWS HIS ARM AROUND BROOKE AND SHE LAYS HER HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER.

KELSO:

(with a dopey smile) We're so hot we even make a "Star Wars" convention sexy.

EVERYONE GATHERS AROUND THE RING TO WATCH DONNA AND LAURIE FIGHT IT OUT.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S HOTEL ROOM, THE NEXT DAY. ERIC, FEZ, KELSO AND HYDE ARE GATHERED AROUND THE TV. THEY'RE ALL HAVING A BEER. THE BAD PORN MUSIC AND MOANING CAN BE HEARD AGAIN.

ERIC:

(staring at the TV) This is almost as good as the convention.

JACKIE CARRYING BOTH BABIES, FOLLOWED BY LAURIE, DONNA, BROOKE AND BETSY ENTER THE ROOM. THE GIRLS HAVE SHOPPING BAGS AND THEY HEAD TOWARDS THE GUYS WHO ARE SO WRAPPED UP IN THE TV, THEY NEVER HEAR THE GIRLS COMING.

LAURIE:

What are you guys doing?

THE GUYS ALL JUMP AND TURN AROUND TO FACE THE GIRLS. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER, NONE OF THEM KNOWING WHAT TO SAY. FINALLY KELSO BURSTS OUT.

KELSO:

(quickly) Watching porn and drinking beer.

FEZ:

(panicking, to Kelso) Are you insane?

KELSO HOPS OFF THE BED AND RUNS TO BROOKE, EXCITEDLY.

KELSO:

Yell at me, Brooke. I've been a naughty, naughty boy.

AT FIRST, BROOKE LOOKS EXTREMELY ANGRY AND THEN SHE SLOWLY SMILES AND SHRUGS SLIGHTLY.

BROOKE:

I'll take a beer.

KELSO IS MOMENTARILY STUNNED AND STANDS FROZEN, STARING AT BROOKE.

FEZ:

(whispers, slyly, to Hyde) Ooh, she is a naughty librarian. Just like in the movie.

JACKIE HEADS TO THE TV AND STANDS HERSELF, STILL HOLDING THE TWINS, IN FRONT OF IT.

JACKIE:

(very bossy) Alright, show's over. You guys are taking us out. I bought a new dress and it wants out of the bag and out on the town.

HYDE:

(with a sigh) Jackie, I don't wanna get all dressed up and go out to some stupid restaurant.

JACKIE:

(giving Hyde a very fake smile) Well, I don't want to make you sleep in the hallway. But I will. So get moving.

HYDE SHEEPISHLY GETS UP OFF THE BED AND GRABS ONE OF THE BABIES FROM JACKIE.

KELSO:

(excitedly) That was awesome! Jackie, can you teach Brooke to yell at me like that?

JACKIE NODS, SMUGLY AS THE GUYS' PARTY BREAKS UP.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"That's How The Whole Thing Started"

While packing up Donna's things, Jackie finds something that leads her to confess all about her night with Hyde in the church basement.


	33. That's How The Whole Thing Started

"That's How The Whole Thing Started"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Air Supply.

I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disastrous way the show ended. This is Episode 9-2.

The idea for the guys' game and the snowstorm came from the amazing writer, FanficAddiction. Check out her stories. Her story, "In Time" is my favorite J/H one-shot. Thanks, girl! Hope you enjoy :)

Thanks for your reviews!! I really appreciate those of you that take the time to leave a review, it's so much fun to hear what you think!! Also, I'm now accepting anonymous reviews for those of you who don't have an account but want to leave me your thoughts.

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, EARLY AFTERNOON. HYDE AND ERIC ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE, ERIC IS LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW WHERE THERE IS A MASSIVE AMOUNT OF SNOW.

ERIC:

(shaking his head, in disbelief) I can't believe we're snowed in. Why do we live here? It's April for God's sake.

HYDE:

Nothing like getting burned by Mother Nature. Three frickin' feet of snow. That's a three foot burn, man.

THE SLIDING DOOR OPENS AND KELSO, ON SKIS, STARTS TO ENTER THE KITCHEN. HE STOPS AND BENDS DOWN TO TAKE HIS SKIS OFF. HE LOOKS EXTREMELY PROUD OF HIMSELF. HYDE AND ERIC STARE AT KELSO, DUMBFOUNDED THAT HE IS ON SKIS.

HYDE:

(to Kelso) What the hell?

ERIC:

Kelso, did you ski over here?

KELSO GETS HIS SKIS OFF AND LEANS THEM AGAINST THE PORCH RAILING OUTSIDE.

KELSO:

I had to. I couldn't get my car out and Fez already called the tennis rackets.

HYDE:

(confused) Tennis rackets?

FEZ APPEARS BEHIND KELSO WEARING TWO TENNIS RACKETS STRAPPED ONTO HIS FEET LIKE SNOWSHOES.

FEZ:

(with a huge smile) Look at me! I am like a Canadian!

KELSO HEADS INTO THE KITCHEN AND CROSSES TO THE FRIDGE.

KELSO:

Speaking of Canadians, where's the beer?

FEZ, STILL WEARING HIS TENNIS RACKETS, FOLLOWS KELSO TO THE FRIDGE.

FEZ:

And the bacon. I would love some bacon.

HYDE:

(to Kelso) Where's Brooke, man?

KELSO:

(over his shoulder) She didn't wanna bring Betsy out in all this snow. Even though I told her I could ski with Betsy on my back. Brooke said it was a bad idea.

ERIC:

(very sarcastically, to Kelso) Ya think?

JACKIE, BUNDLED UP IN WINTER CLOTHES, ENTERS FROM THE LIVING ROOM SHE CROSSES TOWARDS HYDE AT THE TABLE, HYDE GETS UP AND TAKES A FEW STEPS TOWARDS HER.

JACKIE:

Ok, Steven, I'll be at Donna's. Mrs. Forman is giving the twins a bath and then she's gonna put them down for their nap. (looking at the guys) I'm assuming since we're snowed in you morons are sticking with your, "get drunk and play truth or dare" tradition.

ERIC:

(nodding) If it ain't broke. Don't fix it.

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes) Whatever, (wrapping her arms around Hyde's waist) just try not to get too sloppy. (with a sexy smile) I might need you later on tonight.

HYDE RAISES AN EYEBROW AT JACKIE AND SHE YANKS HIM TOWARDS HER AND THEY BEGIN KISSING. ERIC WATCHES IN ANNOYANCE.

ERIC:

(to Hyde and Jackie) Ok, ok, let's try to keep it PG, kids.

HYDE BREAKS AWAY FROM JACKIE AND SCOWLS AT ERIC.

HYDE:

(to Eric) Hey, you have your own woman just a few steps away.

ERIC:

(with a shrug) Eh. There's so much snow.

KELSO CROSSES TOWARDS JACKIE.

KELSO:

(teasing Jackie) Hey, Jackie, you better be careful out there. Some of the snow banks are bigger than you are. One of 'em came up to here on me. (he holds up his hand near his face, indicating how high the snow bank was)

HYDE:

(to Kelso) Where?

KELSO:

Here.

KELSO INDICATES AGAIN HOW HIGH THE SNOW WAS AND HYDE TAKES THE OPPORTUNITY TO SHOVE KELSO'S OUTSTRETCHED HAND BACK INTO HIS FACE, SMACKING KELSO.

KELSO:(cont'd)

(with a yelp) OW! (with a pout) It's too early to hit, _Hyde!_

HYDE CHUCKLES AND THEN TURNS SO HIS BACK IS FACING JACKIE.

HYDE:

(to Jackie) Hop on, baby.

JACKIE GIVES THE GUYS A TRIUMPHANT SMILE AND THEN SHE HOPS UP ONTO HYDE'S BACK FOR A PIGGY-BACK RIDE. HYDE HEADS TOWARDS THE SLIDING DOOR AND THEN STOPS AND TURNS BACK TO THE GUYS.

HYDE:(cont'd)

Hey, Kelso, first dare of the day - I dare you to go spray paint, "Commies Rule" in the snow.

KELSO:

(nods, eagerly) You're on! I feel like messin' with Red today.

FEZ:

(with a dreamy sigh) Oh today is going to be a snowed-in, burn-filled, foot-in-ass beautiful kind of day.

JACKIE AND HYDE HEAD OUT THE SLIDING DOOR.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, A SHORT WHILE LATER. HYDE IS IN HIS CHAIR AND FEZ AND ERIC ARE ON THE COUCH. THEY ARE PLAYING QUARTERS AND THE SONG, _"SIMPLE MAN"_ BY LYNYRD SKYNYRD IS PLAYING ON THE STEREO. THE BASEMENT DOOR OPENS AND RED WALKS IN, HOLDING KELSO BY THE SCRUFF OF HIS NECK. BOB IS FOLLOWING BEHIND THEM. THEY ARE DRESSED IN COATS AND COLD WEATHER GEAR.

RED:

(to the guys) Did you lose something?

HE PUSHES KELSO FORWARD INTO THE BASEMENT.

FEZ:

(with a sad nod) I lost my Charleston Chew and there is a dollar in it for whoever finds it.

BOB:

(frowning at Kelso) We caught him trying to spray paint the snow.

KELSO:

I would've gotten away but I had to keep startin' over.

ERIC:

(to Kelso) What? Why?

KELSO:

(indignantly) "Commie" is a super hard word to spell, _Eric_.

KELSO STARTS TAKING OFF HIS COAT AS RED CROSSES BEHIND THE COUCH TOWARDS ERIC.

RED:

(with an evil grin) Guess what time it is, Eric?

ERIC:

(with sarcastic excitement) Oh my God, is it finally "play time"?

RED:

It's time to shovel. I've got four shovels and there are - (counting the guys) one, two, three, four of you. What a coincidence. (pointing at the guys) Now let's go.

HYDE:

(to Red) How about, instead, you and Bob join us for some icy cold beers and a chance to see Fez humiliated?

RED:

(pauses and thinks for a few seconds) I'm listening.

HYDE:

(smirking) We're just about to begin "Snowed In Truth or Dare, 1980".

ERIC:

It probably won't be able to compete with "Snowed In Truth or Dare, 1979" 'cause we'll never be able to find a tutu and ballet slippers in Kelso's size on this short of notice.

FEZ:

(nodding, fondly) Yes, that was a delicious, fluffy pink dare. Hyde's evil mind is at it's best in Truth or Dare.

RED:

So we get to think of outrageous, stupid pranks for you morons to do to yourselves?

ERIC:

_Or ..._ you get to ask a question and we have to answer it, truthfully.

RED:

Alright, I go first. (he points at Eric) Eric, you're gonna choose truth and your question is - which one of you delinquents keeps taking the batteries out of the smoke detector?

THE GUYS ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER, NERVOUSLY.

ERIC:

(quickly) Pass. Next person.

BOB SITS DOWN IN THE LAWN CHAIR AND HYDE BEGINS TOSSING OUT BEERS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. LAURIE'S OLD ROOM, THE SAME TIME. KITTY IS STANDING OVER THE BABIES WHO ARE LAYING ON THE BED, WRAPPED IN TOWELS.

KITTY:

(smiling at the twins) Look at how clean you are. Ok, who wants a powdered tushie? (taking the twins hands and raising them up in the air) We do, Grandma! (she giggles at her own joke and then begins powdering their bottoms) Don't tinkle on Grandma, Jagger. There, isn't that better? Now how about some diapers?

KITTY GRABS SOME DIAPERS AND SITS DOWN ON THE BED AND PUTS A DIAPER ON LAYLA AND THEN JAGGER AS SHE CONTINUES HER CONVERSATION WITH THE TWINS.

KITTY:(cont'd)

You know, your daddy and your Uncle Eric took a bath together once when they were little boys. They were so adorable all soaped up and squeaky clean. (shaking her head) But I had a horrible ring around my tub after your daddy was done. Oh he was the dirtiest little boy. And when you have hair like your daddy's you need to wash it everyday. Otherwise it looks all smooshed and frizzy. (she laughs and then picks up Layla and talks right to her) You two are going to want to remember that, too.

KITTY GIVES LAYLA A KISS AND THEN STARTS GETTING HER DRESSED.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. DONNA'S BEDROOM, A SHORT WHILE LATER. THE GIRLS ARE LOADING UP ITEMS FROM DONNA'S ROOM INTO BOXES. DONNA IS KNEELING ON THE FLOOR DIGGING AROUND UNDER THE BED, WE CAN ONLY SEE THE BOTTOM HALF OF HER.

LAURIE:

(loudly, to Donna) I can't believe you and Eric are finally moving in together.

JACKIE:

Don't jinx her, Laurie. They've still got a month. A lot can happen in a month.

LAURIE:

(whispers, to Jackie) Yeah, like maybe Donna will finally come to her senses.

DONNA:

What the hell is this?

DONNA COMES OUT FROM UNDER THE BED, SITS UP AND HOLDS OUT A UNICORN ORNAMENT. JACKIE GRABS IT FROM HER.

JACKIE:

(with a stunned smile, staring at the unicorn) Oh my God, I thought I lost this. I must have left it here when I moved out.

LAURIE TAKES THE ORNAMENT FROM JACKIE AND EXAMINES IT.

LAURIE:

A unicorn ornament? (snidely) This has Kelso written all over it.

JACKIE:

(shaking her head) Nope. Steven gave this to me.

DONNA:

(with a laugh) Hyde gave you a unicorn ornament? That makes me wanna brave the snow and go kick his ass.

JACKIE:

(urgently) No! You can't ever tell Steven you know about this. You can't tell any of the guys about this. Ever.

LAURIE:

(getting a wicked look on her face) Why am I getting the feeling that this little unicorn is the key to a super-evil burn.

JACKIE:

(holding out her hand to Laurie) Just give it back.

LAURIE:

(holding the unicorn close) Not until you tell us what the story is behind it.

JACKIE:

No.

LAURIE:

(shrugs) Fine. Catch, Donna.

LAURIE TOSSES THE UNICORN TO DONNA WHILE JACKIE JUMPS UP AND TRIES TO GRAB IT.

DONNA:

(laughing) Awesome. It's like playing, Pickle in the Middle in gym class all over again.

DONNA STRETCHES HER ARM UP OVER HER HEAD, HOLDING THE UNICORN WELL OUT OF JACKIE'S REACH.

JACKIE:

(to Donna) You give that back you big red whore!

DONNA:

(with a taunting smile) Jump all you want, midget. You're never gonna reach it.

JACKIE STOPS JUMPING AND SIGHS, DEFEATED.

JACKIE:

(pouting) If I tell you the story will you give it back to me?

DONNA:

That depends. How good is the story?

JACKIE:

(raising an eyebrow and cocking her head) Oh it's mind-blowing.

DONNA:

(with a big grin) Talk.

DONNA HANDS THE UNICORN BACK TO JACKIE AND ALL THREE GIRLS SIT ON DONNA'S BED.

JACKIE:

(melodramatically) You have to swear on Fez and Eric's private parts that you won't ever repeat this story.

DONNA:

(quickly) Whatever. Spill it.

JACKIE:

Ok. (she takes a deep breath before continuing) Steven gave that to me on Christmas Eve in 1978. The night of the Christmas Pageant.

DONNA AND LAURIE STARE AT EACH OTHER, MOMENTARILY SPEECHLESS.

LAURIE:

(a wicked smile slowly spreading across hr face) We're gonna need a bottle of wine.

FADE INTO 1978 CHRISTMAS EVE, AFTER THE PAGEANT IN THE CHURCH BASEMENT. THE CURTAIN IS DRAWN ON THE STAGE AND THERE ARE FOLDING CHAIRS OUT WHERE THE AUDIENCE WAS SITTING. THERE ARE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS AND SOME LIGHTS UP AND A TABLE WITH PLATES OF COOKIES AND PUNCH. HYDE, STILL WEARING HIS "JOSEPH" COSTUME IS FOLDING UP CHAIRS AND STACKING THEM WHEN KELSO AND FEZ COME OUT FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN. THEY ARE DRESSED IN THEIR STREET CLOTHES AND COATS.

KELSO:

(to Hyde) Alright, man, Fez and I are taking off.

HYDE:

Big plans, man?

FEZ:

(nods, excitedly) Oh yes. Nothing says Christmas like toilet paper in your evergreens.

KELSO:

(with a big, dopey grin) Yeah and I didn't get Jackie a gift, so I'm just gonna toilet paper her house instead.

HYDE:

(with a smirk) Just what every chick wants.

KELSO:

(nodding) I know!

HYDE SHAKES HIS HEAD AS KELSO AND FEZ WANDER OFF. ERIC AND DONNA STEP OUT FROM BEHIND THE CLOSED CURTAIN, ALSO DRESSED IN THEIR STREET CLOTHES AND WEARING COATS.

DONNA:

(to Eric) So, Mr. Director, how was I?

ERIC:

You were that best damn Wise Woman in the whole play. (looks around before he says, quietly) Oh hey, don't forget Hyde's jar of frankincense.

THE STOP WHEN THEY SEE HYDE PUTTING AWAY THE CHAIRS.

DONNA:

(with a teasing smile) Having fun, Hyde?

HYDE:

(irritated) Bite me.

DONNA:

(to Hyde) Next time try and say, "not it" a little quicker.

ERIC:

You better hurry up, Pastor Dave wants to lock up so he can get home in time to see the twentieth hour of, "It's A Wonderful Life"

HYDE:

(ignoring Eric and Donna as he continues to put away chairs) Whatever.

ERIC AND DONNA HEAD TOWARDS THE DOOR

DONNA:

(calling over her shoulder, to Hyde) Merry Christmas, Scrooge.

HYDE:

(yelling at Donna) Get bent, Rudolph.

ERIC AND DONNA EXIT AND HYDE FINISHES WITH THE LAST OF THE CHAIRS. HE HEADS TO THE STAGE AND PULLS BACK THE CURTAIN TO REVEAL JACKIE IS CHANGING OUT OF HER "MARY" COSTUME. SHE IS WEARING ONLY A SLIP AND SHE QUICKLY COVERS HERSELF UP WHEN SHE SEES HYDE. HYDE LOOKS MOMENTARILY STUNNED WHEN HE SEES JACKIE.

JACKIE:

Hyde! Get out of here, I'm changing!

HYDE:

(smirking as he gives Jackie the once-over) Don't let me stop you.

JACKIE:

Out!

JACKIE SHOVES HYDE AWAY FROM HER AND PULLS THE CURTAINS SHUT AGAIN.

HYDE:

But my clothes are back here.

JACKIE:

(from behind the curtain) If you want my advice, you should keep the costume on because your clothes are dirty and poor-looking.

HYDE:

(annoyed) Good, 'cause that's the look I was goin' for.

JACKIE:

Well then, congratulations.

HYDE:

Just for that, you don't get to watch me change.

JACKIE:

(poking her head out in between the opening of the curtain) Quit fooling around, Hyde. I have to go. Michael's waiting for me.

HYDE:

(shaking his head) No he's not, he left. He and Fez were going on their annual Christmas night toilet paper raid.

JACKIE STEPS OUT FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN, FORGETTING TO COVER HERSELF UP AND STILL ONLY WEARING A SLIP. HYDE AGAIN STARES HER UP AND DOWN.

JACKIE:

(sighs sadly and pouts) Great, another Christmas morning where I wake up to an empty house and a toilet paper'd yard. (noticing Hyde's stares she scowls at him) And stop staring at me or I'll kick you.

HYDE LOOKS AWAY, UNCOMFORTABLE AT BEING BUSTED, THEY SIT IN AWKWARD SILENCE FOR A FEW SECONDS UNTIL THE SOUND OF A DOOR LOCKING CAN BE HEARD.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

(turning her attention to the door) What was that?

HYDE:

(frowning at Jackie) The sound of your brain trying to start up.

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes in exasperation) Oh, shut up, _Steven._ It sounded like someone locked the door.

JACKIE QUICKLY GETS DOWN OFF THE STAGE AND HEADS TOWARDS THE DOOR.

HYDE:

(calling after her) Jackie, Pastor Dave never locks up without making sure Kelso's not trying to steal the wine again.

JACKIE TRIES, UNSUCCESSFULLY, TO OPEN THE DOOR, THEN SHE TURNS BACK TO HYDE.

JACKIE:

Really? Then why is the door not opening?

HYDE:

(very sarcastically) Oh, see sometimes it helps if you turn the doorknob, genius.

JACKIE:

(very snotty) I am turning it, you big jerk. Nothing's happening.

HYDE:

If you're not kidding I'm gonna be seriously pissed.

HYDE CROSSES TO THE DOOR AND STARTS TRYING TO OPEN IT WHILE JACKIE YELLS AT HIM.

JACKIE:

(starting to lose it) How am I supposed to know when you're _seriously_ pissed? I mean, how is that different from your ordinary, average, everyday pissed? Because, Steven, I hate to break it to you, but you're pissed everyday.

REALIZING THE DOOR IS INDEED LOCKED HE TURNS BACK TO JACKIE.

HYDE:

The door is locked! The freakin' thing's locked.

JACKIE:

(like she's about to cry) Oh my God. I'm locked in the church basement on Christmas Eve with _you._

JACKIE AND HYDE LOOK AT EACH OTHER, REALIZATION SETTING IN. BOTH IMMEDIATELY START BANGING ON THE DOOR.

HYDE:

(yelling) Open the damn door!

JACKIE:

(banging and kicking the door) Get me out of here, now!

HYDE STOPS BANGING AND TURNS HIS BACK TO THE DOOR LETTING HIS HEAD FALL AGAINST IT WITH A THUMP.

HYDE:

Damn that stupid freakin' "It's A Wonderful Life"!

JACKIE LOOKS AT HYDE, SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT. SHE RESUMES BANGING ON THE DOOR.

FADE BACK INTO DONNA'S ROOM. DONNA AND LAURIE ARE LISTENING TO JACKIE WITH WIDE-EYED AMAZEMENT.

DONNA:

We're gonna need more than one bottle of wine.

LAURIE NODS IN AGREEMENT AND DONNA HOPS OFF THE BED.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, THE SAME TIME. HYDE IS IN HIS CHAIR, KELSO IS SITTING ON THE DEEP FREEZE, FEZ IS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH AND ERIC IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WITH BOB NEXT TO HIM. RED IS IN THE LAWN CHAIR. ERIC IS ON THE PHONE AND ALL THE GUYS ARE WATCHING HIM. THE GUYS ARE ALL HAVING A BEER. _"BEER DRINKERS AND HELL RAISERS" _BY ZZ TOP IS PLAYING ON THE STEREO.

ERIC:

(shaking his head in irritation) I can't believe I'm doing this.

FEZ:

(hisses, at Eric) Do it, fool!

ERIC:

(flatly) Hello? Yeah. Is your refrigerator running? (a pause while he waits for a response) Then you better go catch it.

ERIC HANGS UP THE PHONE, HE LOOKS REALLY ANNOYED. FEZ IS LAUGHING AND CLAPPING, EXCITEDLY AT ERIC'S PRANK CALL.

ERIC:

(to Fez) There. Happy now?

RED:

(points, accusingly, at Fez) It's _you_ that calls this house at three AM and asks me that!

FEZ:

(suddenly very nervous) No. (he stammers) It's ... Laurie.

RED GLARES AT FEZ.

HYDE:

Fez? You're up, man. What's it gonna be?

FEZ:

(to Hyde) Um ... since I know you are going to dare me to do something very painful I chose truth.

HYDE:

Ok. (he pauses for a second, thinking) Say you're stranded on a deserted island ...

FEZ:

(excited) Ooh! Like Gilligan?

HYDE:

(with a nod) Yeah, Fez. Like Gilligan.

KELSO:

(to Hyde) Are Ginger and Mary Ann there, too? 'Cause if they are I'm moving to Fez's island.

BOB:

(with a big smile) I love that Mary Ann. She acts all pure and innocent, but I betcha she's wild in the sack.

RED:

(frowns at Bob) Oh for God's sake.

HYDE:

(to Fez) So, you're stranded on a deserted island and you can only have _one_ person with you. Is it Laurie? (he pauses and smirks, wickedly, at Fez) Or Kelso?

ERIC:

(nods, proudly) Hyde, you are an evil genius and we are not worthy of you.

FEZ:

(confused) Wait? I don't understand the question.

HYDE:

(with a shrug) I don't know how to make it any clearer, buddy. I'm speaking English.

RED:

(with a frown) That's probably why he doesn't understand it.

REALIZATION SETS IN AND FEZ SUDDENLY LOOKS VERY SAD.

FEZ:

I have to choose between my beautiful, loving Laurie and my most handsome amigo, Kelso?

KELSO HOPS DOWN OFF THE DEEP FREEZE AND CROSSES TO FEZ, PATTING HIM ON THE BACK.

KELSO:

Tough break for Laurie. But you can always write her a letter and let her know how we're doin'.

FEZ:

(quickly, without any hesitation) I choose Laurie.

KELSO:

(with an indignant yelp) UH!

FEZ:

(smiles, sadly, at Kelso) I am sorry, Kelso. But I love my Laurie, I could not be parted from her.

KELSO:

(with a huge pout) Don't you love me?

HYDE AND RED GLARE AT FEZ AND KELSO LIKE THEY WANT TO KICK THE CRAP OUT OF THEM.

ERIC:

(to Kelso and Fez) Ok, we're starting to cross the line into ass-kicking territory.

RED:

Let me know when they cross it 'cause my foot is waiting on the other side.

FEZ:

(sadly) I love you, Kelso. (with a guilty smile) But I also have oh so many needs.

KELSO:

(quickly backs away from Fez and hops back up on the deep freeze) You and Laurie enjoy the deserted island, man.

HYDE GETS A LAUGH AT KELSO'S EXPENSE.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 6

INT. DONNA'S ROOM, A SHORT WHILE LATER. LAURIE AND JACKIE ARE SITTING ON DONNA'S BED WHEN THE DOOR OPENS AND DONNA WALKS IN CARRYING THREE CUPS, TWO BOTTLES OF WINE AND A BAG OF CHIPS.

DONNA:

(quickly) Ok, I brought refreshments. Let's hear the rest of this story.

LAURIE:

(nodding, eagerly) Yeah, and don't skip on any of the dirty details. In fact, feel free to elaborate on the dirty details.

DONNA OPENS THE WINE AND STARTS POURING IT OUT WHILE JACKIE RESUMES HER STORY.

JACKIE:

Ok. So we decided to just make the best of a really crappy situation. (with a grin) So ... we raided the communion wine.

LAURIE:

(with a smile and a nod) Good call.

FADE BACK INTO THE CHURCH. JACKIE IS NOW CHANGED OUT OF HER COSTUME AND SITTING ON THE STAGE, HER FEET DANGLING OVER THE EDGE. SHE HAS A BIG POUT ON HER FACE WHEN HYDE WALKS UP. HE'S ALSO BACK IN HIS STREET CLOTHES AND CARRYING A BOTTLE OF WINE. THERE ARE TWO BAGS, ONE IS HYDE'S AND ONE IS JACKIE'S, SITTING OFF IN THE CORNER. AND A PLATE OF COOKIES IS ON THE FLOOR NEARBY. THE SCENERY FROM THE PAGEANT IS STILL ON THE STAGE. THERE IS A SMALL RADIO SITTING NEXT TO JACKIE AND_"SHE'S GOT A WAY" _BY BILLY JOEL IS PLAYING QUIETLY IN THE BACKGROUND.

HYDE:

(holding up the bottle, proudly) Found the communion wine.

JACKIE:

(with a sigh) Crack it open, anything to make this night less miserable.

HYDE HOPS UP ON THE STAGE AND SITS NEXT TO JACKIE, HE TAKES THE TOP OFF THE WINE AND SCOWLS AT JACKIE.

HYDE:

Oh I'm just thrilled to down here with you, Little Miss Sunshine.

JACKIE:

(points, threateningly) You be nice or I'm gonna start singing Christmas Carols.

JACKIE GRABS THE WINE FROM HYDE AND TAKES A LONG PULL OFF THE BOTTLE.

HYDE:

Hey! Don't Bogart the wine.

JACKIE:

(stops drinking and gives Hyde a dirty look) I'm not sharing with you, I don't want your nasty germs.

HYDE:

Fine. You want me to just take it from you, I've got no problem with that.

HYDE REACHES TOWARDS THE BOTTLE AND TRIES TO PULL IT OUT OF JACKIE'S GRASP, SHE TURNS HER BACK TO HIM.

JACKIE:

(very snotty) Stop it!

HYDE:

(getting very annoyed) Then give it to me.

AS THEY CONTINUE TO WRESTLE OVER THE WINE THEY GET CLOSER AND CLOSER UNTIL THEY FINALLY REALIZE THEIR FACES ARE ONLY INCHES APART. THEY BOTH STOP, FROZEN, AND STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR A FEW SECONDS. THEN JACKIE RELEASES HER GRIP ON THE BOTTLE AND HYDE BACKS AWAY FROM HER. THEY SIT IN AWKWARD SILENCE FOR A FEW SECONDS AND HYDE TAKES A BIG GULP FROM THE BOTTLE OF WINE. HE TURNS AWKWARDLY TOWARDS JACKIE.

HYDE:

Jackie, what did you mean when you said you wake up to an empty house?

JACKIE:

(quietly) Nothing, just forget it.

HYDE REALIZING THAT SHE'S A LITTLE EMBARRASSED AND SADDENED BY THE CONVERSATION TRIES TO BE NICE.

HYDE:

(with a shrug) Maybe spending Christmas by yourself isn't so bad. (pauses trying to think of something to say) I mean, my Mom was always _extra_ loaded on Christmas.

JACKIE:

(with a bitter laugh) Yeah, nothing like waking up Christmas morning and finding your mom passed out under the tree next to your presents.

HYDE:

(smirking) I didn't even get the presents part, I just got the part where my mom passed out under the tree.

JACKIE GIVES HYDE A GRATEFUL SMILE AND HE OFFERS THE WINE TO HER. SHE TAKES IT FROM HIM AND TAKES A LONG SWIG.

HYDE:(cont'd)

(flatly) Parents suck.

JACKIE:

(nods, sadly, in agreement) Yeah. (scoots closer to Hyde and gives him a weak smile) Can we talk about something else, please?

HYDE:

(clears his throat, nervously) Um ... ok.

HYDE GETS UP AND CROSSES TO HIS BAG. HE REACHES IN AND PULLS OUT A SMALL, WRAPPED PRESENT. HE CROSSES BACK TO JACKIE AND SITS DOWN, THEN HE HOLDS THE GIFT OUT TO JACKIE.

HYDE:(cont'd)

(very uncomfortably) Here.

JACKIE LOOKS COMPLETELY TAKEN-ABACK AND HYDE TRIES HIS BEST TO LOOK CRANKY.

JACKIE:

(with a sweet smile) What's this?

HYDE:

(very sarcastically) It's a pizza. (angrily waving the present at her) What does it look like, it's a freakin' Christmas gift.

JACKIE:

(her smile falls and she pouts) Well I don't want it if that's how you're gonna give it to me.

HYDE:

(sighs in exasperation) Jackie, don't make me kill you on Christmas.

JACKIE'S POUT TURNS INTO A QUIVERING LIP AND SHE BEGINS TO CRY. SHE HANGS HER HEAD IN HER LAP AND HYDE LOOKS EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE.

HYDE:(cont'd)

Oh crap, don't cry. Jackie, please stop crying. (trying to get her to take the present) Would you just ... here ... (Jackie lets out a very loud and very fake wail) Oh for God's sake - (Hyde sighs in defeat) Jackie, Merry Christmas, I got you a present.

JACKIE:

(immediately stops crying, lifts her head back up and smiles at Hyde) Thank you, Steven. That was so sweet of you.

HYDE SHAKES HIS HEAD AS JACKIE GRABS THE PRESENT FROM HIS HANDS AND RIPS IT OPEN. SHE PULLS OUT THE UNICORN ORNAMENT AND STARES AT IT, TOTALLY SHOCKED.

JACKIE:

(quietly a huge smile spreading across her face) Oh my God, it's a unicorn ornament. (sweetly and sincerely) I love it, Steven.

HYDE:

(Zen) Whatever.

JACKIE:

(a little guiltily) I didn't get you anything.

HYDE:

(with a teasing grin) Then give me the unicorn back.

HYDE HOLDS OUT HIS HAND AND JACKIE SLAPS IT AWAY WITH A LAUGH.

JACKIE:

No way! (suddenly, very serious) Ok, how about this? What if I tell you one of my deepest, darkest secrets?

HYDE:

(with a smirk) Can I use it later in life to burn someone?

JACKIE:

(nervously) Um ... I don't know, maybe.

HYDE:

Then it's the gift that keeps on giving. Let's hear it.

JACKIE:

(slowly and very apprehensively) Ok, well, you remember that date we went on?

HYDE:

(wickedly) Yeah, I have some pretty good dreams about how that date should've ended.

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes) God, you're a bigger pervert than Fez.

HYDE:

Tell me the secret or the unicorn goes back to Santa's workshop.

JACKIE:

Fine. (very hesitantly) Well, remember how we kissed ...

HYDE:

I remember how _you _kissed _me._

JACKIE:

Oh and I suppose your tongue just _accidentally_ slipped into my mouth.

HYDE:

(with a nod) That's exactly what happened.

JACKIE:

(quickly, throwing her arms up in the air in exasperation) Just shut up and let me talk. (she takes a deep breath and lets it all out) I lied to you, ok! I lied when I said I didn't feel anything. The truth is, it was the most perfect kiss I've ever had in my life. But I lied about it anyway. I knew you hated me and I wanted to hurt you before you could hurt me.

HYDE LOOKS COMPLETELY STUNNED BY JACKIE'S CONFESSION.

HYDE:

Holy crap.

JACKIE:

(very bitchy) Yeah. There ya go. Merry Christmas!

HYDE:

(shocked) I don't know what the hell to say.

JACKIE:

I do. Pass me that freaking wine.

JACKIE GRABS THE WINE FROM HYDE AND STARTS DRINKING IT. HYDE CONTINUES TO SIT, MOTIONLESS AND COMPLETELY STUNNED.

FADE BACK TO DONNA'S ROOM. DONNA AND LAURIE LOOK TOTALLY SHOCKED. LAURIE SMILES, EXCITEDLY.

LAURIE:

This is better than "Guiding Light".

DONNA POURS MORE WINE INTO THE GIRLS' GLASSES.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. LAURIE'S OLD ROOM, A SHORT WHILE LATER. THE TWINS ARE NOW DRESSED AND SITTING ON KITTY'S LAP AS SHE ROCKS THEM AND TELLS THEM A STORY.

KITTY:

(smiling at the babies) Alright, you two, just one quick story and then it's nap time. I have to go check on the other babies in the house - (her smile falls) the ones down in the basement. (excitedly) Ooh, have I ever told you the story of how I took your daddy shopping to buy your mommy's corsage for prom. See, your daddy needed to buy your mommy a corsage because ... well ... you know your mommy. If he had shown up without one, she would have kicked him til he was black and blue. (she giggles) Now your daddy tried to act like it was no big deal- but I knew he was lying. You want to know how I knew? Because when the florist asked him what color your mommy's dress was your daddy said, "lavender". (melodramatic shock on her face) I almost fell over I was so shocked. First of all, I didn't know your daddy knew the word, lavender. And secondly, when I asked him how he knew that, he said, "because I asked her." (with a big grin) Nobody asks a girl what color her dress is if they don't like her. (smiling, proudly) And do you know, your daddy picked out the most expensive corsage in the store. I have no idea where he got the money to pay for it. (her smile falls and she looks a little flustered) I probably don't want to know, but it was sweet none the less. When you wake up I'll show you the pictures. I have lots of them! (she pauses and nods) I think your daddy's even smiling in one of them.

KITTY GIVES EACH OF THE BABIES A KISS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, AN HOUR LATER. HYDE IS IN HIS CHAIR, KELSO IS SITTING ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH AND FEZ, ERIC AND BOB ARE ON THE COUCH. RED IS IN THE LAWN CHAIR. EVERYBODY'S HAVING A BEER AND _"WAITING FOR A GIRL LIKE YOU" _BY FOREIGNER IS PLAYING ON THE STEREO.

KELSO:

(waving his hand in the air, spastically) My turn, my turn! I get Hyde! (he turns to square off with Hyde) Truth or dare, Hyde? (with a big, open-mouthed grin) And be prepared 'cause I've got a pocketful of sweet dares, (a beat) and also firecrackers.

HYDE:

(with a mocking smirk) Ok, Kelso, I'll bite. Dare.

KELSO STANDS UP, CROSSES BEHIND THE COUCH AND POINTS AT HYDE.

KELSO:

A-ha! You're mine now! I dare you to choose truth.

HYDE:

(annoyed at being tricked) You can't do that.

KELSO:

(taunting) Are you backing out on a dare, Hyde? 'Cause you know what the punishment is for that.

BOB:

(to Eric) Ooh, that sounds fun. What's the punishment?

ERIC:

(smiling, wickedly, at Bob) Wouldn't you like to know.

KELSO:

What's it gonna be, (a beat) Heidi?

HYDE:

(glaring at Kelso) Fine. Ask me your stupid question.

A HUGE SMILE SPREADS ACROSS KELSO'S FACE AS HE WALKS SLOWLY TOWARDS HYDE.

KELSO:

What ... (he pauses, dramatically) is your nickname for Jackie?

FEZ:

(clapping) Oh happy day!

ERIC:

(stunned) I can't believe you thought of that, Kelso.

KELSO:

(extremely proud of himself) I know, being with Brooke is turning me into a genius!

HYDE GLARES AT THE GUYS LIKE HE WANTS TO KILL THEM.

HYDE:

You guys realize I'm kicking all of your asses, right?

ERIC:

(with a big smile) Oh it'll be worth it. (a beat) Puddin' Pop.

RED:

(scowling at Hyde) Puddin' Pop? It's a good thing you don't live here any more, because I would ground you for the next year for letting your wife call you Puddin' Pop.

BOB:

I think it's kinda cute.

RED:

(turns to Bob and frowns) Of course you do, Bob.

KELSO STICKS HIS ARM IN HYDE'S FACE AND TAPS ON HIS WATCH, TAUNTING HYDE.

KELSO:

Tick-tock, Hyde. Let's hear it.

HYDE LETS OUT A VERY ANGRY SIGH. HE CLENCHES HIS JAW AND SHIFTS UNCOMFORTABLY IN HIS SEAT.

HYDE:

(flatly) Angel Eyes.

ERIC:

(with a giggle) What?

HYDE:

(extremely pissed) Angel Eyes, dammit! I call her my Angel Eyes!

KELSO:

(yells, spastically) Oh my God, this is the best truth or dare _EVER!_

THE GUYS ALL START LAUGHING AND HYDE LOOKS LIKE HE GOING TO PUNCH ONE OF THEM.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. DONNA'S ROOM, IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING. JACKIE AND LAURIE ARE SITTING ON THE BED AND WATCHING DONNA WHO IS ON THE PHONE.

DONNA:

(very annoyed, she yells into the phone) Fez! Stop calling here! That refrigerator running joke is totally lame!

DONNA SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND TURNS BACK TO THE GIRLS.

DONNA:

Ok, where were we?

LAURIE:

(with a laugh) On our second bottle of wine.

JACKIE:

(with a big smile) So, as the night went on Steven got sweeter and sweeter.

FADE BACK INTO THE CHURCH. JACKIE SITS BY HERSELF ON THE STAGE, THE LIGHTS ARE DIM AND IT'S ALMOST COMPLETELY DARK. _"SOMETHING" _BY THE BEATLES IS PLAYING ON THE RADIO IN THE BACKGROUND.

JACKIE:

(with a whine) Steven? What're you doing? Come back and sit with me. It's creepy in the dark.

HYDE:

(off-camera) Will you for once in your life just be quiet and wait.

SUDDENLY, THE ROOM IS ILLUMINATED WITH TONS OF CHRISTMAS LIGHTS, IT LOOKS BEAUTIFUL. JACKIE'S FACE LIGHTS UP AND SHE LOOKS BLOWN AWAY AS HYDE SLOWLY WALKS TOWARDS HER LOOKING SLIGHTLY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH JACKIE'S OBVIOUS PLEASURE.

HYDE:

(flatly) There. Merry Christmas. Ho, ho, ho and pass the frankincense.

HYDE HOPS BACK UP ON THE STAGE AND SITS NEXT TO JACKIE. SHE SCOOTS CLOSER TO HIM AND LAYS HER HEAD DOWN ON HIS SHOULDER.

JACKIE:

(smiling sweetly) It's beautiful.

JACKIE CONTINUES TO SMILE WHILE HYDE DOES HIS BEST TO LOOK ANNOYED. JACKIE LIFTS HER HEAD OFF HYDE'S SHOULDER AND TURNS TO HIM.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

(sincerely) Steven, this is the best Christmas I've had in years.

HYDE:

(with a snort) You must have really low expectations.

JACKIE:

(sadly) Why do you always do that?

HYDE:

Do what?

JACKIE:

Whenever I try to be nice to you, you burn me.

HYDE:

(uncomfortably) I don't know, Jackie, it's just what I do when confronted with you in your un-natural state of niceness.

JACKIE:

(getting angry) See, there you go again.

HYDE:

Fine. No more burns for the rest of the night.

JACKIE:

(with a pout) You're right. 'Cause I am not speaking to you for the rest of the night.

IN A HUFF SHE TURNS HER BACK ON HYDE AND SCOOTS AWAY FROM HIM.

HYDE:

Oh, come on, Jackie. (she doesn't turn) Jackie. (still nothing from her) I've got nothing left. I only had one stupid unicorn, and that was all the twinkle lights I could find, and we're out of wine ... so ... I've got no more tricks. (quietly) Will you please talk to me?

JACKIE:

(over her shoulder) No. You are a mean, mean boy.

HYDE TAKES HIS SUNGLASSES OFF AND HOOKS THEM ON HIS SHIRT. HE GLARES AT JACKIE'S BACK.

HYDE:

Well you're a bitch. So there!

SHE GASPS AND SPINS AROUND TO POINT AT HYDE.

JACKIE:

You take that back.

HYDE:

(with a teasing grin) Sure. (he blows a raspberry in her face) Not gonna happen, doll.

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes) You make me crazy, Steven Hyde.

HYDE:

(with a nod) I try my best.

A FEW SECONDS PASS AND JACKIE SIGHS IN DEFEAT. SHE FINALLY GIVES IN AND SCOOTS BACK TOWARDS HYDE. THE SONG ON THE RADIO CHANGES AND _"ALL I KNOW" _BY ART GARFUNKEL BEGINS TO PLAY. JACKIE'S EYES LIGHT UP WHEN SHE HEARS THE SONG. SHE STANDS UP, GRABS HYDE'S HAND AND TRIES TO PULL HIM TO HIS FEET.

JACKIE:

(excitedly) I love this song. Dance with me, Steven.

HYDE:

No. I do not dance to Art Garfunkel.

STICKING OUT HER LIP SHE GIVES HYDE HER BEST PUPPY DOG FACE AND BABY TALK.

JACKIE:

Pwease? Pwetty pwease?

HYDE:

(with a frown) If I say yes will you stop doing that?

JACKIE:

(nodding) Uh-huh.

HYDE GRINS AND STANDS UP. HE PULLS JACKIE TOWARDS HIM AND GIVES HER A VERY SEXY SMIRK.

HYDE:

Then let's dance.

JACKIE LOOKS A LITTLE NERVOUS AS THEY START TO DANCE. SHE LAYS HER HEAD ON HYDE'S CHEST AND THEY DANCE SLOWLY AND VERY CLOSELY PRESSED UP AGAINST EACH OTHER. SHE WRAPS HER ARMS AROUND HIM TIGHTER AND HE BEGINS TO RUN HIS HAND UP AND DOWN HER BACK.

"_I bruise you, you bruise me_

_We both bruise too easily, too easily to let it show_

_I love you and that's all I know"_

THEY STOP DANCING AND VERY SLOWLY, JACKIE LIFTS HER HEAD OFF HYDE'S CHEST AND JUST STARES AT HIM.

"_All my plans have fallin' through,_

_All my plans depend on you, depend on you to help them grow_

_I love you and that' s all I know"_

JACKIE:

(quietly and very sweetly) Thank you for tonight, Steven. And ... always. Thank you for always being there.

VERY TENTATIVELY, THEY LEAN IN TOWARDS EACH OTHER AND BEGIN TO KISS THEY START OUT SLOWLY AND THEN VERY QUICKLY, IT GETS PASSIONATE AND VERY HEATED. AFTER A FEW SECONDS JACKIE STARTS TO TALK IN BETWEEN KISSES.

JACKIE:

(breathlessly) Steven, what are we doing?

HYDE:

I have no idea, but I know I don't wanna stop. (he breaks the kiss and pulls back to look at her) Do you wanna stop?

JACKIE QUICKLY SHAKES HER HEAD AND PULLS HYDE BACK TO HER, KISSING HIM.

JACKIE:

I don't think I could even if I tried.

FRANTICALLY, JACKIE PULLS HYDE'S SHIRT OUT OF HIS JEANS AND UP AND OVER HIS HEAD. THEN SHE STANDS BACK AND LOOKS HIM UP AND DOWN. A SMILE SLOWLY CREEPS ACROSS HER FACE AS SHE CHECKS HYDE OUT.

HYDE:

(with a very cocky grin) Good stuff, huh.

JACKIE TAKES A STEP TOWARDS HYDE AND PLACES HER HAND ON HIS CHEST.

JACKIE:

Steven, you're shaking. Are you nervous?

HYDE:

(quickly trying to go Zen) Pfft. Please.

JACKIE PULLS BACK, SLIGHTLY, AND SMILES, SEDUCTIVELY, AT HYDE. SHE PULLS OFF HER SHIRT TO REVEAL A LACY RED CAMISOLE UNDERNEATH.

HYDE:

(very taken-aback) Ok. Now I'm a little nervous.

JACKIE TOSSES BOTH OF THEIR SHIRTS ONTO THE GROUND AND THEY VERY SLOWLY START TO WALK BACK TO EACH OTHER. JACKIE LOOKS INCREDIBLY NERVOUS.

JACKIE:

I'm not really sure what to do.

HYDE:

(grinning, sweetly, at Jackie) How about this.

HE CUPS HER FACE IN HIS HANDS AND THEY START TO KISS AGAIN. THEY SLOWLY KNEEL DOWN ONTO THE FLOOR AND THEN HYDE GENTLY LAYS JACKIE DOWN, AMIDST THE SCENERY FROM THE PAGEANT - NEVER BREAKING THEIR KISS. A FEW SECONDS PASS AND JACKIE SITS UP AND PULLS AWAY FROM HYDE.

JACKIE:

Ow, ow!

HYDE:

(confused) What's the matter?

SHE REACHES UNDERNEATH HER AND PULLS OUT A DOLL. SHE SETS IT DOWN, AWAY FROM THEM.

JACKIE:

(with a giggle) I was laying on Baby Jesus.

THE TENSION BROKEN, THEIR APPREHENSION SEEMS TO BE GONE AND THEY START KISSING AGAIN, THIS TIME VERY HUNGRILY, HANDS ROVING EVERYWHERE. AS THEY LAY BACK DOWN ON THE STAGE WE FADE OUT.

FADE BACK TO DONNA'S ROOM THE GIRLS ARE OPEN-MOUTHED AND STARING AT JACKIE. LAURIE GRABS A PILLOW OFF OF DONNA'S BED AND SMASHES IT INTO JACKIE'S FACE.

LAURIE:

You can't stop there! It was just getting good!

DONNA:

(totally stunned) I think I need a smoke.

LAURIE:

(with a big smile) So. How was he?

JACKIE:

(sighs dreamily) Talented.

LAURIE GIGGLES AND DONNA ROLLS HER EYES.

DONNA:

Ok, so then what happened?

FADE BACK INTO THE CHURCH, THE NEXT MORNING. CHRISTMAS DAY, 1978. JACKIE AND HYDE ARE LAYING ON THE STAGE FLOOR UNDER A BLANKET, WITH THEIR CLOTHES BALLED UP UNDER HYDE'S HEAD LIKE A PILLOW. HYDE HAS JACKIE WRAPPED IN HIS ARMS AND SHE IS LAYING ON HIS CHEST. NEITHER OF THEM IS WEARING ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE BLANKET THAT IS COVERING THEM. JACKIE STIRS FIRST AND OPENS HER EYES. SHE SMILES AND GIVES HYDE A KISS ON THE CHEEK. HE SHIFTS UNDERNEATH HER AND WRAPS HIS ARMS TIGHTER AROUND HER.

HYDE:

(opening his eyes, he grins at Jackie) Mornin'

JACKIE:

(smiling sweetly) Merry Christmas, Steven.

HYDE:

Why are you smiling?

JACKIE:

Because it's Christmas morning and I didn't wake up alone in a big, empty house.

HYDE:

(sarcastically) Yeah, instead you woke up in a church basement with a dirty burn-out.

HYDE LOOKS AWAY FROM JACKIE, UNCOMFORTABLY. SHE PUTS A HAND ON HIS CHEEK AND TURNS HIS FACE BACK TO HER.

JACKIE:

(with a nod) Yeah. (she smiles at Hyde) It's a pretty nice way to wake up.

HYDE GIVES JACKIE A SMALL GRIN AND THEN PULLS HER TO HIM AND KISSES HER. HE BRINGS HER HEAD BACK DOWN TO HIS CHEST AND THEY LAY BACK DOWN. THEY BOTH LOOK A LITTLE NERVOUS THOUGH NEITHER CAN SEE THE OTHER'S EXPRESSION.

JACKIE:

So. What do we do now?

HYDE:

(pauses, thinking, and then grins) I'm not opposed to doing it again.

JACKIE:

(she smacks him on the chest and laughs) Steven!

HYDE:

I guess we should probably keep this a secret, huh.

JACKIE TURNS AWAY FROM HYDE TO LIE ON HER SIDE SO HE CANNOT SEE THE EXPRESSION ON HER FACE. SHE PULLS HIS ARM AROUND HER CHEST .

JACKIE:

(quietly, with a sad pout on her face) Is that what you wanna do?

HYDE:

(flatly) If that's what you wanna do.

JACKIE:

(pauses and then nods, slowly) Yeah, sure. (trying to be convincing) I mean, of course it is.

HYDE:

(hesitating, just slightly) So ... you go back to Kelso and I go back to ... well, (with a smirk) the circle.

JACKIE:

(like she's trying to convince herself) And we just forget the whole thing.

HYDE:

(with a nod) Yep. Forget. (he pauses) I can do that.

JACKIE TURNS BACK AROUND TO FACE HYDE AND GRABS HIS FACE IN HER HANDS.

JACKIE:

Steven?

HYDE:

(hopefully) Yeah, Jackie?

JACKIE:

I don't wanna ...

JACKIE'S STATEMENT IS INTERRUPTED AS PEOPLE CAN BE HEARD UNLOCKING THE DOORS. BOTH JACKIE AND HYDE SIT UP AT HEARING THE DOORS. JACKIE PULLS THE BLANKET UP AROUND HER.

HYDE:

(quickly) This is about to get really interesting.

JACKIE QUICKLY GIVES HYDE ONE LAST, VERY DEEP KISS. WHEN SHE PULLS AWAY HYDE LOOKS SHOCKED.

HYDE:(cont'd)

What was that for?

JACKIE:

(with a sad smile) In case I never get to do it again. (she pokes Hyde in the chest, suddenly very bitchy again) Now get your pants on!

HYDE:

(with a smirk) Yes, dear.

FADE BACK TO DONNA'S ROOM.

DONNA:

(squishing up her face in disgust) _That's _what you guys were doing when we got there? You told me you were wrapping presents for the needy kids.

LAURIE:

(looks at Donna and laughs) And you believed her? How dumb are you?

JACKIE SMILES, A MILLION MILES AWAY AS DONNA CONTINUES TO SCOWL.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, A COUPLE OF HOURS LATER. HYDE IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR AND STILL LOOKS PISSED FROM HIS PREVIOUS ADMISSION. ERIC IS PACING BEHIND THE COUCH WHERE BOB, KELSO AND FEZ ARE SEATED. RED IS IN THE LAWN CHAIR.

ERIC:

I'd like to wrap up "Snowed-in Truth or Dare, 1980" with our final participant. And our most evil, I might add. (he nods at Red) Take it away, Dad.

RED:

Bob, I dare you to run outside and jump in a snow bank.

BOB:

(with a shrug) Okie-dokie. Sounds kind of refreshing.

RED:

(with an evil smile) Buck-naked.

BOB:

(sadly) Actually, now it sounds kind of dangerous.

ERIC:

You can't back out on a dare, Bob. The punishment is too horrible.

BOB:

More horrible than freezing off my fun stick?

ERIC:

(with a nod) Sadly. Yes.

BOB:

(with a sigh) Oh, what the heck. It might be fun.

BOB STANDS UP OFF THE COUCH AND HEADS TOWARDS THE DOOR.

HYDE:

(glaring at Kelso) You couldn't have given me _that _as a dare.

KELSO LAUGHS, TRIUMPHANTLY, AT HYDE.

BOB:

Alright, here goes.

BOB BEGINS TAKING HIS SHIRT OFF AND RED YELLS OUT.

RED:

Not in here, Bob!

KELSO:

(covering up his eyes) Yeah, nobody wants to see that!

FEZ:

(sadly) I know how you feel, Bob. They tell me that all the time.

BOB SMILES, SHEEPISHLY, AND OPENS THE BASEMENT DOOR. HE STEPS OUTSIDE LEAVING THE DOOR OPEN JUST A CRACK. A FEW SECONDS PASS AND HE STICKS HIS HAND THROUGH THE DOOR AND DROPS HIS SHIRT ON THE FLOOR, A FEW MORE SECONDS AND HIS PANTS FOLLOW AND THEN A FEW SECONDS LATER A PAIR OF ZEBRA PRINT BIKINI BRIEFS. RED STARES IN DISGUST AT THE UNDERWEAR AS IT FALLS.

RED:

Oh holy hell. What is wrong with him?

BOB:

(yells off-camera) Snow bank, here I come!

THE SOUND OF BOB RUNNING UP THE STAIRS IS HEARD AND THEN ERIC CROSSES TO THE DOOR, SHUTS IT AND LOCKS IT. HE TURNS BACK TO THE OTHER GUYS AND SMILES PROUDLY.

ERIC:

And _that's _how you add a burn to a dare.

KELSO:

(nodding as he laughs) Eric's really good at math!

KITTY COMES DOWN THE STAIRS CARRYING JAGGER. SHE HEADS TOWARDS HYDE AND HYDE STANDS UP WHEN HE SEES HER.

KITTY:

(with smile) Look who's awake and looking for his daddy.

HYDE TAKES JAGGER FROM KITTY.

HYDE:

Hey there, big man. You're just in time for the really humiliating stuff.

HYDE GIVES JAGGER A KISS ON TOP OF HIS HEAD AND FROWNS.

HYDE:(cont'd)

Mom, Jagger smells like a girl.

ERIC:

(very sarcastically, to Hyde) Ooh ... that's bad. I hope he doesn't grow up and start calling his chick, "Angel Eyes"one day. 'Cause _that_ would be really girly.

HYDE GLARES AT ERIC AND ERIC SMILES, MOCKINGLY, AT HYDE. KITTY LOOKS TOTALLY LOST.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 5

INT. DONNA'S ROOM, A FEW MINUTES LATER. JACKIE, DONNA AND LAURIE ARE STILL SITTING ON THE BED AND THEY'RE ALL HAVING A GLASS OF WINE. JACKIE HAS A PERMANENT GRIN ON HER FACE AND DONNA STILL LOOKS COMPLETELY SHELL-SHOCKED.

DONNA:

I can't believe it.

LAURIE:

(rolling her eyes) Oh, _shut up, _Donna. You've said that one hundred times.

DONNA:

That's cause I can't frickin' believe it. (she shoves Jackie, playfully) I'm supposed to be your best friend, and I never knew about this!

LAURIE:

So how did you guys leave things?

DONNA:

And why did you go back to Kelso?

JACKIE GIVES AN IRRITATED SIGH AND TURNS TO DONNA.

JACKIE:

(bratty) Because, Michael was like this adorable, needy little puppy who followed me around and looked really cute on a leash. And you don't just leave an adorable little puppy stranded in the middle of the road to get run over by a car.

DONNA:

Unless there's a scruffy, curly haired mutt who doesn't _need_ a leash wandering around the street looking for someone to take him home.

JACKIE:

Back off, lumberjack! It took me a little while to figure that out, ok? (her frown turns into a smile and she resumes her story) So, that night I went to see Steven ...

FADE INTO THE BASEMENT, CHRISTMAS NIGHT 1978. THE ROOM IS EMPTY EXCEPT FOR HYDE SITTING IN HIS CHAIR. HE IS STARING INTO SPACE, WITH HIS FEET KICKED UP ON THE TABLE. _"SILVER SPRINGS"_ BY FLEETWOOD MAC IS PLAYING ON THE STEREO. THE BASEMENT DOOR OPENS AND JACKIE IS STANDING IN THE DOORWAY, HOLDING A CHRISTMAS PRESENT. HYDE SITS UP WHEN HE SEES HER. THEY SMILE NERVOUSLY AT EACH OTHER.

JACKIE:

(quietly) Hey.

HYDE:

(very Zen) Hey.

THEY SIT IN SILENCE FOR A FEW SECONDS, NEITHER KNOWING WHAT TO SAY. FINALLY, JACKIE CROSSES TO THE COUCH AND SITS DOWN. THE UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE CONTINUES.

HYDE:

(with a smirk) Good thing this isn't awkward.

JACKIE:

(with a quiet laugh) Yeah. Good thing.

THEY GO BACK TO SILENCE AND HYDE CLEARS HIS THROAT, NERVOUSLY, LIKE HE HAS SOMETHING HE WANTS TO SAY.

HYDE:

(trying to be nonchalant) Hey, what were you gonna say before? You know, at the church?

JACKIE:

Oh, that. (she starts to say something, then she stops and just gives Hyde a small smile) You know what ... I can't remember. (she pauses) Here, I got you a present.

SHE STANDS UP AND HANDS HIM THE GIFT SHE HAS BEEN HOLDING. SHE GIVES HIM A QUICK KISS ON THE CHEEK

JACKIE:

(quietly) Merry Christmas, Steven.

JACKIE EXITS AND HYDE STARES AT HIS PRESENT, WHICH APPEARS TO BE A RECORD, THEN HE LOOKS UP AND STARES AT THE DOOR JACKIE HAS JUST WALKED OUT OF.

FADE BACK TO DONNA'S ROOM. THE GIRLS ARE LISTENING TO JACKIE.

DONNA:

And that's it? That's how you ended things?

JACKIE:

(sighs, sadly) Yeah. I went back to Michael. Steven and I went back to burning each other. And then, well, I guess you guys know the rest. You know, I don't even know if Steven ever even opened the gift. (she pauses for a few seconds and then shrugs) Oh well. That was the end of it.

FADE TO BLACK SCREEN AND THE CAPTION, "HOW IT _REALLY _ENDED"

FADE INTO INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, CHRISTMAS NIGHT 1978. HYDE IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR STARING AT THE PRESENT IN HIS HANDS THAT IS NOW UNWRAPPED, IT'S AN ART GARFUNKEL RECORD AND _"ALL I KNOW" _IS PLAYING ON THE STEREO IN THE BACKGROUND. HYDE HAS HIS SUNGLASSES OFF AND HE LOOKS TOTALLY LOST IN HIS THOUGHTS.

"_But the ending always comes at last_

_Endings always come too fast_

_They come too fast, but they pass too slow_

_I love you, and that's all I know"_

HYDE LOOKS SLIGHTLY ANGRY AND HE LETS OUT A DEEP, IRRITATED SIGH.

HYDE:

Crap. I am in so much trouble.

HYDE REACHES FORWARD TO GRAB HIS BEER OFF THE COFFEE TABLE.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

FORMAN BASEMENT, THAT NIGHT. HYDE, HOLDING THE TWINS, IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR. ERIC, FEZ AND KELSO ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH. RED IS STANDING UP IN FRONT OF THE LAWN CHAIR, LOOKING VERY PISSED-OFF. THE GUYS ARE ALL STARING AT HIM, WAITING FOR SOMETHING.

RED:

I'm not doing it.

KELSO:

(grinning at Red) You backed out on your dare, you have to.

RED REACHES BACK ONTO THE LAWN CHAIR AND PICKS UP SOME CLOTHES.

RED:

(holding the clothes out towards Eric) That's because you dared me to wear this stupid costume and I am not dressing up like that little fruit, Luke Skywalker.

ERIC:

Then you will face the consequences.

HYDE:

(taunting Red) Come on, Grandpa Red, my kids need their bedtime song.

RED:

(pointing at Eric) You must be on dope if you think I'm doin' this.

ERIC:

You have to do it, Dad. It's a matter of honor.

RED:

(glares, menacingly at the guys) I'm going to get you all for this someday.

HYDE:

(with a nod and a smirk) Of course you will. But today isn't that day.

RED TURNS AROUND AND THROWS THE LUKE SKYWALKER COSTUME ON THE LAWN CHAIR. THEN HE TURNS BACK TOWARDS THE GUYS AND ASSUMES THE POSITION OF "THE LITTLE TEAPOT" HE VERY BEGRUDGINGLY BEGINS SINGING THE SONG AND DOING THE ACTIONS THAT GO ALONG WITH THE SONG.

RED:

(very angrily) _I'm a little tea pot short and stout_

_Here is my handle, here is my spout_

_When I get all steamed up I will shout_

_Tip me over and pour me out._

THE GUYS CAN'T HOLD IT IN ANYMORE AND THEY ALL START LAUGHING AT RED. THEY ARE INTERRUPTED BY BOB'S KNOCKING AND HIS VOICE OUTSIDE THE DOOR.

BOB:

(pleading, loudly, off-camera) Come on, guys. Unlock the door. I've got snow in places I really shouldn't have snow.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"You Outta Be Home With Me"

Kelso turns to the girls for advice on how to ask Brooke to move in with him; and the guys try to console Fez when he realizes he is losing Kelso.

**A/N** This is one of those episodes where I highly recommend listening to the featured songs. If you've never heard Art Garfunkel's, "All I Know" it's a beautiful song. There's also a really good cover of it by Five For Fighting that more people are probably familiar with. Whichever version - you should take a listen :)


	34. You Outta Be Home With Me

"You Outta Be Home With Me"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Barry Manilow.

I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disastrous way the show ended. This is Episode 9-3.

Thanks for continuing to read and review!! It really means a lot to me. Someone had asked what day I will be posting updates on. I wish I could give you a definite day, but I have two toddlers that don't always allow me time to write. All I can say is, I'll write as fast as I can and try to let no more than one week go by in between updates.

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. FEZ, KELSO AND LAURIE'S APARTMENT, EVENING. BROOKE AND KELSO ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH WITH BETSY. THERE ARE COLORING BOOKS AND CRAYONS SITTING ON THE COFFEE TABLE AND KELSO IS VERY INTENTLY WORKING ON A PICTURE WHILE BROOKE WATCHES WITH MILD AMUSEMENT. BETSY IS GNAWING ON THE CRAYONS. IT'S A VERY SWEET SCENE UNTIL THE LOUD AND RHYTHMIC SQUEAKING OF A BED CAN BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND. BROOKE FROWNS A LITTLE WHEN SHE REALIZES WHAT IS GOING ON.

KELSO:

(with a laugh) Fez and Laurie must be jumpin' on the bed again.

FEZ AND LAURIE'S VOICES CAN BE HEARD COMING FROM THEIR BEDROOM. THEY ARE BOTH VERY LOUD AND OUT OF BREATH.

FEZ:

(off-camera) Oh Laurie! You are a naughty, naughty girl.

LAURIE:

(off-camera) Punish me, master!

BROOKE:

(smiling, sadly, at Kelso) I'm pretty sure that's not what they're doing, Michael.

KELSO'S DOPEY GRIN FADES AS THE REALIZATION OF WHAT IS GOING ON IN FEZ AND LAURIE'S ROOM HITS HIM. HE FROWNS AND COVERS UP BETSY'S EARS.

KELSO:

Aw, man! Betsy's gonna be traumatized.

BROOKE:

She'll be alright, Michael. She's busy trying to eat the crayons. But, I think we should go home.

KELSO:

(pouts, sadly) Nuh-uh. I want you to stay the night.

THE SQUEAKING OF THE BED GETS EVEN LOUDER.

BROOKE:

I don't know if that's a good idea. They sound like they're just getting started.

KELSO:

(suddenly excited) I know what we can do. We could start doin' it, and be louder than them, then we'd never even notice.

BROOKE:

(interrupts him, with a small laugh) Michael ...

KELSO:

(indignant) What? That's a super good idea.

BROOKE GRINS AT KELSO AND SHAKES HER HEAD. KELSO ROLLS HIS EYES, STANDS UP OFF THE COUCH AND HEADS TOWARDS LAURIE AND FEZ'S DOOR.

KELSO:(cont'd)

(with an irritated sigh) _Fine. _(over his shoulder, to Brooke) I know how to make 'em stop. (he yells loudly, through the closed door) Fez! Laurie! Red's here!

KELSO STEPS BACK AWAY FROM THE DOOR AND SMILES, PROUDLY, AT BROOKE. A FEW SECONDS PASS AND THE DOOR TO FEZ AND LAURIE'S ROOM BURSTS OPEN AS THEY COME RUNNING OUT. THEY ARE WEARING HIS AND HERS SHORT, LEOPARD PRINT ROBES AND THEY BOTH LOOK VERY DISHEVELED.

LAURIE:

(speaking quickly, not noticing Red's not really there) Hi Daddy. We were -

FEZ:

(interrupting her, nervously) Reading the bible.

FEZ FINALLY LOOKS AROUND AND REALIZES THEY HAVE BEEN TRICKED. HE TURNS TO GLARE AT KELSO.

FEZ(cont'd)

(angrily, to Kelso) You son of a bitch! Red is not here.

LAURIE:

(very bitchy) That's it, Kelso! We're putting saran wrap on your toilet.

FEZ:

(whispers to Laurie) Laurie ... you cannot tell him. (very serious) Kelso. We are _not_ putting saran wrap on your toilet.

FEZ TAKES LAURIE'S HAND AND WITH A HUFF THEY HEAD BACK INTO THEIR BEDROOM. FEZ TURNS FOR ONE LAST WORD BEFORE HE GOES.

FEZ:

(to Kelso) But really, we _are_. Now ... good day.

KELSO:

(calling after Fez) But Fez ...

FEZ:

I said good day!

FEZ AND LAURIE EXIT BACK INTO THEIR BEDROOM AND SLAM THE DOOR.

BROOKE:

(shaking her head) Did they really think if Red was actually here they would fool him? I mean, who reads the bible in the nude?

KELSO:

(sarcastically) Apparently, Fez and Laurie.

KELSO STOMPS BACK TO THE COUCH WITH A POUT AND SITS NEXT TO BROOKE LAYING HIS HEAD, SADLY, ON HER SHOULDER.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S LIVING ROOM, THAT NIGHT. HYDE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WITH ERIC NEXT TO HIM. HYDE IS HOLDING LAYLA AND KEEPING HER ENTERTAINED WITH A RAGGEDY ANN DOLL. ERIC IS HOLDING JAGGER AND THEY ARE SITTING NEXT TO HYDE. DONNA AND JACKIE ARE SITTING ON THE FLOOR AND GATHERED AROUND THE COFFEE TABLE LOOKING AT A CALENDAR DONNA HAS SPREAD OUT IN FRONT OF THEM.

DONNA:

(to the group) Ok, how about May 21st?

ERIC:

(to Donna) You're kidding, right? That's the day "The Empire Strikes Back" comes out. We've been over this, Donna.

DONNA:

(very sarcastically, to Eric) How stupid of me. Of course our wedding should take a back seat to "Star Wars".

ERIC:

(not getting the sarcasm he smiles at Donna) I'm glad you understand.

HYDE:

(shaking his head at Eric) Forman, for someone who excels at being sarcastic as much as you do - you never seem to pick up on it when Donna's dishing it out.

ERIC:

(frowns at Hyde) Yeah? Well, for someone who's such a tough guy you look pretty ridiculous with that little doll.

ERIC POINTS TO THE DOLL HYDE IS HOLDING AND HYDE JUST SHRUGS.

HYDE:

This is Layla's favorite toy.

ERIC:

(giggling) He he. Hyde's playing with a doll.

HYDE:

(grinning wickedly at Eric) You sure you wanna go down this road with me, Forman? 'Cause you know where this road leads? It leads to your bedroom where we get to count all the dolls you own. And not just the ones that you proudly display. Oh no. I'm talking about the Barbies you stole from Laurie that are hidden under your bed, too.

DONNA:

(stares at Eric) You stole Laurie's Barbies?

ERIC:

(nervously, his voice cracking) GI Joe needed someone to rescue.

EVERYONE STARES AT ERIC IN DISGUST.

JACKIE:

(very snotty) Donna, I think I just picked the perfect day for your wedding ... (she yells at Eric) _never!_

HYDE GRINS PROUDLY AT JACKIE'S BURN AND ERIC GIVES DONNA A VERY SHEEPISH SMILE.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. FEZ, LAURIE AND KELSO'S LIVING ROOM, VERY LATE THAT NIGHT. THE ROOM IS VERY DIMLY LIT, ALMOST COMPLETELY DARK. KELSO'S BEDROOM DOOR OPENS AND BROOKE, WEARING A ROBE AND LOOKING LIKE SHE'S STILL HALF-ASLEEP, COMES OUT OF THE ROOM AND HEADS TOWARDS THE KITCHEN. AS SHE GETS CLOSER WE CAN SEE THE KITCHEN IS ILLUMINATED BY THE LIGHT FROM THE OPEN REFRIGERATOR. FEZ AND LAURIE ARE STANDING BEHIND THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR, NAKED. THEY ARE COVERED BY THE DOOR AND ALL WE SEE IS FROM THE SHOULDERS UP. THEY ARE MAKING OUT AND HAVE WHAT APPEARS TO BE WHIPPED CREAM SMEARED EVERYWHERE ON THEIR SHOULDERS AND FACES. BROOKE SLEEPILY HEADS TOWARDS THE FRIDGE AND STOPS DEAD IN HER TRACKS WHEN SHE SEES FEZ AND LAURIE. SHE YELLS OUT TOTALLY SURPRISED.

BROOKE:

Oh my God!

BROOKE IMMEDIATELY COVERS HER EYES AND TURNS HER BACK ON FEZ AND LAURIE. THEY STOP MAKING OUT AND PULL APART LOOKING VERY GUILTY. THEY PULL THE DOOR OF THE FRIDGE CLOSER TO THEIR BODIES USING IT LIKE A SHIELD. LAURIE IS HOLDING ONTO A BOTTLE OF REDI WHIP. FEZ SMILES VERY SHEEPISHLY AT BROOKE WHO IS STILL FACING AWAY FROM THE KITCHEN.

FEZ:

(nervously) Oops.

BROOKE:

(not turning around) I just wanted to get some juice. But I guess the fridge is kind of off limits right now.

LAURIE:

(with a ditzy smile she holds up the can of whip cream) Redi Whip?

BROOKE TURNS QUICKLY TO LAURIE.

BROOKE:

Umm ... no. (smiles weakly) But, thank you.

BROOKE AGAIN TURNS AWAY FROM FEZ AND LAURIE AS KELSO EMERGES FROM HIS BEDROOM WITH NOTHING ON BUT HIS UNDERPANTS.

KELSO:

What's goin' on out here?

HE WANDERS OUT FURTHER INTO THE LIVING ROOM AND REACHES BROOKE THEN HE LOOKS TOWARDS THE KITCHEN WHERE HE SEES LAURIE AND FEZ HIDING BEHIND THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR. HE YELPS OUT IN SURPRISE.

KELSO:(cont'd)

UH! Holy crap! (angrily) Damn, Fez! That's where we keep our food! (waving his arms, wildly) And now your ass is rubbing all over it. (he points, threateningly at Fez) You better not be puttin' your butt on my beer, man.

FEZ:

(apologetically) We thought you were asleep. (unsure what to say) And ... we were hungry.

KELSO:

So you couldn't put some clothes on?

LAURIE:

(rolling her eyes at Kelso) It would be pretty hard to lick Redi Whip off of each other with our clothes on.

FEZ:

(nods in agreement) Yes. (with a laugh) That would be sticky mess.

KELSO:

Try not to talk about sticky messes while you've got your ass all over my Budweisers.

BROOKE GRABS KELSO'S HAND AND PULLS HIM BACK TOWARDS HIS ROOM. FEZ AND LAURIE WATCH THEM GO AND THEN RESUME MAKING OUT.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, THE NEXT MORNING. RED, HYDE, ERIC AND DONNA ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE EATING BREAKFAST HYDE HAS LAYLA ON HIS LAP AND HE IS GIVING HER A BOTTLE. DONNA IS HOLDING JAGGER. KITTY IS SCOOPING FOOD ONTO PEOPLES PLATES AND JACKIE IS AT THE FRIDGE. DONNA HAS HER CALENDAR OUT AGAIN AND SHE IS LOOKING OVER IT.

DONNA:

(to everyone) Alright, how about May 24th?

KITTY:

(while she sets down some food) Ooh, that's a perfect day. Let's book it.

JACKIE:

(to Donna) But that's so soon.

HYDE:

(flatly) Might as well get it over with.

RED:

(nodding in agreement) He's right. Why prolong the inevitable?

KITTY SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE AND FROWNS AT RED.

KITTY:

Red, do you want me to go to my angry place?

DONNA:

(with a sigh) Alright, how about July 12th?

KITTY:

(quickly, with a smile) Sounds beautiful. Let's book it.

JACKIE HEADS TOWARDS THE TABLE WITH SOME JUICE. SHE SETS IT DOWN ON THE TABLE AND SITS IN HYDE'S LAP, TAKING LAYLA FROM HIM.

JACKIE:

(shaking her head as she frowns at Donna) Ooh, not a good idea, Donna. It gets hot in the church in July, and you know how you sweat. And I'm telling you - you will regret it forever if you have a giant, shiny forehead in your wedding pictures.

DONNA:

(rolling her eyes at Jackie) Fine. (she looks back at her calendar) Anybody have a problem with June 6th?

KITTY:

(pounding, gently, on the table, with determination) That's it! That's the day! Let's book it.

RED:

(shaking his head) You can't get married on June 6th. That's D-Day, and the only thing I'm celebrating on June 6th is the beginning of the end for those kraut-loving Nazi bastards.

HYDE:

(to Eric, with a very sarcastic smirk) That would look really good on a wedding invitation.

ERIC:

(nodding) We could serve bratwurst and schnitzel at the reception.

KITTY INTERRUPTS THE GUYS MOMENT BY YELLING OUT.

KITTY:

(a little nuts) Pick a day! Any day! Just pick a freaking day!

EVERYONE STARES, UNEASILY, AT KITTY. ERIC TAKES THE CALENDAR FROM DONNA AND STARTS WRITING ON IT.

ERIC:

Ok, let's make a little note on the calendar - pick up Mom's little yellow pills.

KELSO ENTERS THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR.

KELSO:

(frantically) You guys, I need to talk to you about something really important.

DONNA:

(very annoyed) Kelso, we're already talking about something important. Eric and I are trying to pick a wedding day.

KELSO:

(stammering) Yeah, well ... Brooke and I walked in on Fez and Laurie naked and eating whip cream off of each other.

RED IMMEDIATELY STANDS UP AND HEADS TOWARDS THE SLIDING DOOR.

KITTY:

(calling after Red) Red, where are you going?

RED:

(very matter-of-fact) To get my gun.

RED EXITS.

KITTY:

(nervously, to the others) Oh dear. Did anyone else think he looked serious?

KITTY QUICKLY FOLLOWS RED OUTSIDE. HYDE GIVES JACKIE AND LAYLA A QUICK KISS AND THEN LIFTS HER UP OFF HIS LAP. HYDE AND ERIC BOTH GET UP AND HEAD TOWARDS THE SLIDING DOOR.

KELSO:

(to Eric and Hyde) Where are you guys going? I need _help!_

ERIC:

(to Kelso) Sorry, man, but I think Red is _actually_ going to stick his foot up someone's ass and I'll never forgive myself if I miss it.

WHILE ERIC TALKS, HYDE HEADS OVER TO DONNA AND JAGGER AND RUBS JAGGER ON THE TOP OF THE HEAD.

HYDE:

(to Jackie) I'll be back, baby. (with a smirk) Right after we drop Fez off at the ER.

ERIC AND HYDE EXIT LEAVING BEHIND A VERY SAD LOOKING KELSO AND THE GIRLS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, THAT AFTERNOON. HYDE IS SITTING ON HIS CHAIR HOLDING LAYLA AND JACKIE IS SITTING ON THE FOOTSTOOL IN BETWEEN HYDE'S LEGS. SHE IS HOLDING JAGGER. KELSO IS SITTING ON THE COUCH IN BETWEEN DONNA AND LAURIE. _"BRASS IN POCKET" _BY THE PRETENDERS IS PLAYING ON THE STEREO IN THE BACKGROUND. EVERYONE IS LISTENING TO LAURIE'S STORY.

LAURIE:

(sadly) So, after he managed to get away from Daddy, Fez locked himself in the bathroom, and he's still in there.

HYDE:

(nodding) We shoved some gum under the door and he's got water so he'll be ok for a few days.

KELSO:

(throwing his hands up in exasperation) Enough about Fez. I need to talk to you girls.

DONNA:

(points, threateningly, at Kelso) If it's to ask us to see our boobs, you are in for the beating of your life.

JACKIE:

(very bitchy, to Kelso) The ass-kickings Steven has given you will seem gentle compared to what we'll do to you.

KELSO:

(insistently) This has nothing to do with boobs. This is serious. (he pauses and then gives the girls a sleazy wink) But, if you really want to you can show me your boobs.

JACKIE ROLLS HER EYES AND TURNS TO HYDE WHO JUST SHAKES HIS HEAD. LAURIE AND DONNA BOTH SMACK KELSO UPSIDE THE HEAD.

DONNA:

(angrily) Kelso!

KELSO:

(looking around at the girls, nervously) Ok ... I'm a little freaked out right now. (a beat and then Kelso smiles at the girls) And also a little turned-on. (Donna glares at Kelso and his smile quickly fades) But mostly freaked-out.

LAURIE:

(very annoyed) Get to the point, Kelso!

HYDE:

(scowling at Kelso) Yeah and hurry up, 'cause it's getting close to nap time for the babies and fun time for Jackie and me.

KELSO:

(looking around the group) I need some advice about love. So, I thought I'd come to you guys. (to Jackie) My ex-girlfriend, (to Laurie) the girl I used to do it with, (to Donna) and the chick whose boobs I've tried to grab, like, a hundred times. (he glances at Hyde) Oh. (unsure of what to say) And you, Hyde.

HYDE:

Just try to forget I'm here, man.

KELSO:

(nervously) That's kind of hard to do, 'cause you're staring at me like you wanna kick my ass.

HYDE:

(with a mocking smirk) Kelso, you look really troubled about something. I'm gonna hold off on kicking your ass for at least another couple of hours.

KELSO:

(touched) Thanks, man.

DONNA:

(elbows Kelso in the side) Kelso, get to the point!

KELSO:

_Fine!_ God, Donna. (spastically, with his hand, indicting he and Hyde) Hyde and I were havin' a moment. (he takes a deep breath and addresses the girls) I wanna ask Brooke to move in with me. How do I do that?

LAURIE:

(trying to be sweet) Kelso, our apartment is too crowded for her to move in. Don't get me wrong, I love Brooke and Betsy, I really do. It's nice to have another girl around.

HYDE:

(grins at Laurie) You mean besides the one your married to?

LAURIE STICKS HER TONGUE OUT AT HYDE AND THEN TURNS BACK TO KELSO.

LAURIE:

(with a sigh) Kelso, we just don't have room for two more people.

KELSO:

(he nods) I know. (he takes a deep breath) That's why, I'm moving out.

EVERYONE STARES AT KELSO IN TOTAL SHOCK. EVENTUALLY, HYDE CRACKS A SMILE.

HYDE:

Wow. First, a beating by Red and now his husband is moving out. This is gonna be Fez's worst day _ever_.

DONNA:

(nodding, slowly) Worse than when we found his underwear hanging on the flagpole junior year ... with him still in them.

JACKIE:

Worse than when he found out that golden ticket we slipped into his Wonka Bar wasn't real.

LAURIE:

(with a sad pout) My poor Fez is gonna be so sad. (she pauses, thinking) I better go buy some more whipped cream.

EVERYONE TURNS TO LAURIE IN DISGUST. SHE GIVES THEM ALL AN INNOCENT SMILE.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 6

INT. FEZ, LAURIE AND KELSO'S APARTMENT, A SHORT WHILE LATER. ERIC AND HYDE ARE STANDING OUTSIDE OF THE BATHROOM DOOR WHERE FEZ HAS LOCKED HIMSELF IN. HYDE AND ERIC HAVE THEIR ARMS FULL OF VARIOUS ITEMS: A PIE, MAGAZINES, AND MOVIES.

HYDE:

(getting angry) Fez, we swear Red's gone. Now get your ass out here.

FEZ:

(his voice coming through the door) Fine. But if you are lying I will put a voodoo curse on both of you. And you know I can do it!

ERIC:

Just get out here, man. We've got some stuff for you.

FEZ OPENS THE DOOR JUST A FEW INCHES AND POKES HIS HEAD OUT, EAGERLY.

FEZ:

What kind of stuff?

HYDE AND ERIC HOLD UP THE ITEMS THEY HAVE BEEN CARRYING. FEZ'S FACE LIGHTS UP AND HE SWINGS THE DOOR ALL THE WAY OPEN AND STEPS OUT.

FEZ:

(grabbing the items from Hyde and Eric) Pie, nudie magazines, oh my God ... (he holds up a VHS movie) "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory". (with a huge smile) Oh happy day for Fez.

HYDE:

Fez, we need to talk to you about something, man.

FEZ:

What? Is something wrong with the pie? (skeptically) Wait a minute ... did Kelso lick it?

HYDE:

(quickly) Laurie's leaving you.

ERIC:

(to Hyde) What the hell are you doing?

HYDE:

(quietly, to Eric) Trying to soften the blow.

FEZ, LOOKING COMPLETELY DAZED, WANDERS AWAY FROM HYDE AND ERIC.

FEZ:

(with a whimper like he's about to cry) Oh no. Things are spinning. Things are spinning.

HYDE:

(grinning as he pats Fez on the back) Just kidding, man. Laurie's not leaving you.

FEZ:

(sighs in relief) Oh thank God.

HYDE:

(with a nod) Kelso's leaving you.

FEZ:

(panicking) Things are spinning.

ERIC GUIDES FEZ OVER TO THE COUCH AS HYDE WATCHES WITH GREAT AMUSEMENT.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. FEZ, LAURIE AND KELSO'S APARTMENT, IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING. FEZ IS ON THE COUCH AND ERIC IS SITTING NEXT TO HIM. HYDE IS AT THE COUNTER EATING FEZ'S PIE.

FEZ:

(sadly) I just don't understand what I did. Did I not pay enough attention to him? Did I not shower him with enough compliments?

ERIC:

(with teasing sincerity) Fez, you did all those things, man. You did nothing wrong.

FEZ:

(getting angry, Fez-style) Then why, dammit? Tell me why? Is there someone else? (he points at Eric and Hyde) Is one of you two sons of two bitches stealing Michael Kelso from me?

HYDE GLARES AT FEZ LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO KICK HIS ASS.

HYDE:

Ok, this conversation just took a really sharp turn into Creepy Town.

ERIC:

(patronizing) Fez, sometimes, no matter what you do, things just don't work out. And it isn't your fault, it's just the way things are. But, after some time passes, you'll see that it's for the best.

FEZ:

(with a pout) It just hurts so much.

ERIC:

(patting Fez on the back) I know it does, buddy.

HYDE STARES AT ERIC AND FEZ, MENACINGLY.

HYDE:

(shaking his head) Do you know how close I am to killing both of you right now?

ERIC:

(quietly, to Fez) Fez, very slowly back away from Hyde.

FEZ AND ERIC SCOOT TO THE FAR END OF THE COUCH, AS FAR AWAY FROM HYDE AS THEY CAN GET. HYDE CONTINUES TO STARE AT THEM.

FEZ:

(nervously, to Eric) He still looks violent. What do we do?

ERIC LOOKS AT FEZ AND GRINS.

CUT TO CIRCLE _"LET'S STAY TOGETHER"_ BY AL GREEN IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. HYDE IS CHOMPING ON A TOOTSIE ROLL TOOTSIE POP. HE LOOKS EXTREMELY ANNOYED.

HYDE:

(pissed-off) This candy isn't cuttin' it for me. Somebody get me a beer.

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

(shaking his head) Ooh. I wouldn't do that, man. Remember what Kelso said about Fez's ass being pressed up against the beer.

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE:

Fine. I'll take the hard stuff in the liquor cabinet. Nobody pressed their ass against the Jack Daniels, did they?

HYDE GETS UP FROM HIS SEAT AND HEADS OFF.

CUT TO ERIC WHO IS STARING AT THE PERSON NEXT TO HIM. FEZ'S VOICE CAN BE HEARD SINGING ALONG WITH THE SONG.

ERIC:

Is it just me, or is anyone else concerned that Fez is singing along to this song?

CUT TO FEZ WHO STOPS SINGING AND FROWNS.

FEZ:

(angrily, to the person next to him) Al Green says we should stay together "whether times are good or bad, happy or sad" What do you think of that, Kelso?

CUT TO AN EMPTY CHAIR

CUT BACK TO FEZ WHO STILL HAS A SCOWL ON HIS FACE.

FEZ:

Oh. I see. You say to Al Green - 'I poop on you and your beautiful songs.'

CUT TO ERIC

ERIC:

(taunting Fez with a smile) Well, it's official. Kelso and Fez are now the worst break-up in our group. Because, unlike the break-ups of Donna and myself and Jackie and Hyde - you and Kelso's break-up has no chance for a happily ever after. Unless you move to like ... France or something.

CUT TO HYDE WHO COMES BACK TO HIS CHAIR AND SITS DOWN. HE IS HOLDING SEVERAL BOTTLES OF BOOZE.

HYDE:

(very irritated, to Fez) You call that a liquor cabinet? Amaretto, peach schnapps, creme de menthe? Who the hell lives here? Liberace and Elton John?

CUT TO KELSO'S EMPTY CHAIR

CUT TO FEZ WHO LOOKS PATHETICALLY MISERABLE.

FEZ:

(with a sigh) Ah ... Elton John. Now there's a man who understands my pain.

(singing, very dramatically) _"It's sad, so sad_

_It's a sad, sad situation_

_And it's gettin' more and more absurd"_

CUT TO ERIC WHILE FEZ SINGS. ERIC LOOKS TOTALLY HORRIFIED BY FEZ'S SINGING.

CUT TO HYDE WHO IS SHAKING HIS HEAD, ANGRILY, AND GLARING AT FEZ.

CUT TO KELSO'S EMPTY CHAIR

CUT TO FEZ STILL SINGING. SUDDENLY, HYDE FLIES THROUGH THE AIR, TACKLING FEZ OFF OF HIS CHAIR.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, LATER THAT AFTERNOON. KELSO, LAURIE, DONNA, JACKIE AND KITTY ARE ALL GATHERED AROUND THE TABLE. JACKIE IS HOLDING LAYLA AND KITTY IS HOLDING JAGGER. KELSO LOOKS EXTREMELY SERIOUS.

KELSO:

(to the girls) So, how's this - (he pauses and takes a deep breath before continuing) Brooke, I want you to move in with me so Betsy can have a real home and you and I can start our lives together. (a beat and he laughs) Oh, and so we can do it whenever and wherever we want to.

DONNA:

(shaking her head) You might wanna skip that last part.

LAURIE:

(with a spacey smile) I think that last part was the best part.

KITTY:

(gives Laurie a sad smile) Laurie, honey, you really need to keep thoughts like that to yourself.

JACKIE:

Michael, you have to make it romantic. Do something special for Brooke.

KELSO:

(wide-eyed with excitement) Ooh. What if I write her a song?

JACKIE:

(insistently) _Don't_ write her a song.

KELSO:

Why not? (he smiles) There's lots of words that rhyme with Brooke - cook, look, book. And Brooke's a librarian so that's perfect.

DONNA:

(trying to be diplomatic) Kelso, your songs are ... well, they're not good.

KELSO:

Sure they are. Laurie and Jackie liked their songs.

LAURIE:

(sweetly) Oh Kelso. (a beat and then she scowls at Kelso) No we didn't.

KITTY:

Why don't you take her out to a nice dinner and maybe some dancing and then ask her. I'll even watch Betsy for you.

KELSO:

Thanks, Mrs. Forman. That's a super idea. (he pauses, like he's thinking then smiles at his great idea) I'll take her to The Hogsbreath. They've got those mini pizzas and line dancing.

ALL THE GIRLS LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SHAKE THEIR HEADS AT KELSO'S STUPIDITY. JACKIE PATS HIM ON THE HAND, CONDESCENDINGLY.

JACKIE:

Michael, how about you just let us plan the date for you.

KELSO:

(nodding, with a big open-mouthed grin) Cool. Hey, do you guys think you could just come with? You know, so I don't do anything -

DONNA:

(interrupting) Stupid.

KELSO:

I was gonna say, 'wrong' (he shrugs) but whatever.

JACKIE AND LAURIE SHAKE THEIR HEADS AND DONNA CHUCKLES AT KELSO.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, THAT EVENING. THE TV CAN BE HEARD, QUIETLY, IN THE BACKGROUND. RED IS IN HIS CHAIR HAVING A BEER. BOB, JOANNE AND KITTY ARE ALL SITTING ON THE COUCH. BOB AND JOANNE ARE ALSO HAVING A BEER AND KITTY IS DRINKING A GLASS OF WINE. KITTY IS HOLDING DONNA'S CALENDAR AND BOB AND JOANNE ARE LOOKING AT IT WITH HER.

KITTY:

(pointing at the calendar) Here's a perfect day, September 6th. Not too hot, not too cold, the leaves will be starting to change ...

JOANNE:

(interrupts with a smile) It sounds beautiful.

KITTY:

Wonderful. (she looks around to everyone) Does anyone have a problem with September 6th?

BOB:

(nodding) I have a big problem with September 6th. It gives Eric six months to plan his escape. I don't wanna get stuck with two hundred pigs-in-a-blanket again. (with a sad pout) Do you know how long it took me to eat all of those?

RED:

I vote for July 5th. We'll just buy extra napkins for our Fourth of July barbeque.

BOB:

(nods excitedly) I like that idea. The wedding party can wear red white and blue.

KITTY:

(getting excited, she starts clapping) Ooh, it could be a theme wedding. Eric and Donna could dress up like George and Martha Washington. And at the reception we could re-enact the signing of the Declaration of Independence.

BOB:

(smiling) I'm gettin' misty-eyed just thinking about it.

JOANNE:

Do you think the kids will go for it?

KITTY:

(waving her hand, dismissively) We just won't tell them about it until that morning. (with a gasp) Oh my goodness, we could dress up Betsy and Jagger and Layla in little red coats and put them on a pony and when they come down the aisle someone can yell, 'The British are coming! The British are coming!'

KITTY LAUGHS AND BOB SHAKES HIS HEAD AND CHUCKLES AT KITTY.

BOB:

(to Red) How does she think of this stuff?

RED:

(with a shrug and a grin) The wine helps.

KITTY AND JOANNE GO BACK TO THE CALENDAR AND RED AND BOB TURN THEIR ATTENTION TO THE TV.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. THE VINEYARD RESTAURANT, THAT NIGHT. THE GANG IS SEATED AT A TABLE HAVING DESSERT. EVERYONE IS HAVING A DRINK AND THEY ARE ALL DRESSED UP. KELSO LOOKS EXTREMELY NERVOUS, HE KEEPS STARING AT BROOKE AND THEN LOOKING AWAY WHEN SHE CATCHES HIM.

LAURIE:

(to Eric and Hyde) I can't believe you guys couldn't get Fez to come out with us. Did you tell him there was gonna be cake?

ERIC:

He said he needed to be alone to grieve. And then Hyde started looking like he was gonna kick Fez's ass again, so I figured it was best he stay home.

HYDE:

(quietly, to Jackie) When is the moron supposed to pop the question? We've gotta be the first to leave so we don't get stuck with the bill.

JACKIE:

(to Hyde) He said he had something special planned.

HYDE:

(with a smirk and a nod) Alright. It'll be fun to watch it blow up in his face.

BROOKE:

(cries out in surprise) Ow!

EVERYONE TURNS TO BROOKE TO SEE WHAT HAS HAPPENED. HYDE SMIRKS, WICKEDLY AT JACKIE.

HYDE:

Here we go.

BROOKE IS HOLDING THE SIDE OF HER FACE LIKE SHE HURT IT AND SHE PULLS SOMETHING OUT OF HER MOUTH.

BROOKE:

There's something in my cake.

DONNA:

(leaning in to look) What?

BROOKE HOLDS UP THE ITEM SHE PULLED OUT OF HER MOUTH. AFTER BRUSHING SOME FROSTING OFF SHE SEES IT'S A KEY.

BROOKE:

(very confused) Oh my God, it's a key. How did a key get in my food?

EVERYONE SLOWLY TURNS TOWARDS A VERY GUILTY LOOKING KELSO, JACKIE FROWNS, DISAPPROVINGLY, AT HIM.

JACKIE:

Michael, you _didn't_.

KELSO:

(spastically, to Jackie) You told me hiding stuff in food is romantic!

JACKIE:

(very snotty, to Kelso) Something small, like a ring, you idiot! Not something big and metal that requires dental work after you bite into it.

BROOKE:

Michael, did you put a key in my food?

KELSO:

(nervously) Yes. But only to be nice, not to ... you know ...

HYDE:

(interjecting, smugly) Chip her tooth.

KELSO:

(nodding in agreement) Yeah. (he sighs sadly, his grand plan ruined) Look, Brooke, I wanted to ask you and Betsy to move in with me. (he smiles at her) I thought we could get our own place and start living together like a real family. (very awkwardly, but sincerely) I love you Brooke, and I love our little girl. (holding up the frosting covered key) Will you move in with me?

BROOKE LOOKS MOMENTARILY STUNNED AND JACKIE, LAURIE AND DONNA LOOK VERY TOUCHED BY KELSO'S SPEECH. ERIC WATCHES IT ALL WITH A SMART-ASS GRIN ON HIS FACE AND HYDE LOOKS IRRITATED TO BE WITNESSING KELSO'S DISPLAY.

JACKIE, DONNA AND LAURIE:

Awww ...

ERIC:

(rolling his eyes) Oh please, he broke the poor girl's tooth.

BROOKE:

(sweetly) Michael, I would love to live with you.

BROOKE LEANS IN TOWARDS KELSO AND THEY KISS. AFTER A FEW SECONDS, KELSO PULLS AWAY AND HAS A HUGE GRIN ON HIS FACE.

KELSO:

This is gonna be so awesome, Brooke. Now I get to see both of my girls every morning when I wake up. (he pauses and gets a dirty look on his face) Oh, and ...

DONNA:

(quickly, to Kelso) Stop talking now.

KELSO:

(ignoring Donna, he laughs) Now we can _do it_ whenever we want.

DONNA:

(with a sigh) Sweet moment ruined.

HYDE GETS UP FROM THE TABLE AND THEN TAKES JACKIE'S HAND AND PULLS HER UP. THEY HEAD OVER TO STAND BEHIND KELSO.

HYDE:

Congratulations, man. (a beat and then he pats Kelso on the back) You're buyin' dinner.

JACKIE AND HYDE SMILE WICKEDLY AT THE OTHERS AND THEN HEAD OUT. BROOKE AND KELSO BEGIN KISSING AGAIN AND ERIC, DONNA AND LAURIE GO BACK TO THEIR FOOD.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 5

INT. FEZ, LAURIE AND KELSO'S APARTMENT, A SHORT WHILE LATER. FEZ IS SITTING ON THE COUCH BY HIMSELF. THE PIE IS SITTING ON THE COFFEE TABLE IN FRONT OF HIM WITH A FORK IN IT. _"SHE'S GONE"_ BY HALL AND OATES IS PLAYING ON THE STEREO AND FEZ IS SINGING ALONG EXCEPT HE HAS CHANGED THE LYRICS FROM "SHE'S GONE" TO "_HE'S _GONE_"_ FEZ LOOKS WEEPY AND MISERABLE.

FEZ:

(singing) _"He's gone, he's gone_

_Oh why_

O_h why_

_I better learn how to face it_

(with each line his singing gets louder and louder) _He's gone, he's gone_

_Oh why_

_Oh why_

_I'd pay the devil to replace him _

_He's gone, he's gone_

_Oh why_

(belts out, very melodramatically) _What went wrong?"_

THE DOOR OPENS UP AND KELSO WALKS IN THE ROOM. FEZ STOPS SINGING AND GLARES AT KELSO.

FEZ:

Oh. It is you. (very sarcastic) Did you come back to break my Hall and Oates record collection as well as my heart?

KELSO CROSSES TO THE COUCH AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO FEZ.

KELSO:

C'mon, buddy, you know we'll still see each other all the time. I promise Brooke and I will get a place really close by.

FEZ LOOKS INTRIGUED BY THIS AND HE RAISES HIS EYEBROW AT KELSO.

FEZ:

How close?

KELSO:

(quickly) A mile. Two tops.

FEZ:

Make it within 15 minutes walking distance and I will think about forgiving you.

KELSO:

(nodding) Deal.

FEZ:

(sighs sadly and then pouts) I cannot believe you are leaving me. I thought we would be together forever. What about our dreams of living in our house together with our sexy ladies and our good looking and intelligent children?

KELSO:

We could still build a house next door to each other.

FEZ:

(angrily) It won't be the same. _And_, I have returned your half of the dream house savings account.

FEZ REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND PULLS OUT ONE BILL THEN HE SLAMS IT DOWN ON THE TABLE.

FEZ:(cont'd)

(bitterly) Ten dollars. (scowling at Kelso) I hope all that money can buy you happiness.

KELSO GRINS AND STARTS ELBOWING FEZ IN THE SIDE.

KELSO:

You know you'll always be my number one.

FEZ IS TRYING VERY HARD NOT TO SMILE, BUT HIS ANGER IS SLOWLY FADING.

FEZ:

More than Hyde?

KELSO:

(nods) Definitely.

FEZ:

More than Eric?

KELSO:

(nods) Totally.

FEZ:

More than Brooke?

KELSO:

Let's not push it.

FEZ'S SMALL SMILE DROPS AND THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. FEZ AND KELSO BOTH GET UP AND HEAD TOWARDS THE DOOR. FEZ OPENS IT TO REVEAL FENTON. FEZ GLARES, ANGRILY, AT FENTON AND FENTON STARES BACK AT FEZ.

FEZ:

(sadly) Ai. The only way this day could get any worse would be if the Hershey factory blew up.

FENTON:

(snidely, to Fez) I'm not here for you, Fez. (he looks at Kelso) I'm here for the good looking one.

FEZ:

(indicating himself and Kelso) That could be either of us and you know it, _Fenton_.

FENTON:

(to Kelso) You asked me if I had any apartments in any of my buildings.

KELSO:

Yeah. Do you?

FENTON:

It just so happens one just came up for rent. (pauses, like he's unsure what to say) A tenant is unhappy with ... (getting a little worked up) let me just say, for future reference, we do not have a policy regarding landlord and tenant relationships.

KELSO:

(starting to get excited) Where is this place? Is it close by?

FENTON:

Closer than you know. (he pauses and points up) It's upstairs.

KELSO:

(slowly, like he can't believe it) You mean, I get to move in upstairs from Fez?

FEZ WANDERS AWAY FROM THE DOOR WITH A DREAMY, FAR-AWAY LOOK IN HIS EYE.

FEZ:

(breathlessly) Things are spinning.

FEZ LOOKS DAZED, FENTON LOOKS CONFUSED AND KELSO JUST SMILES AWAY WITH THAT BIG DOPEY GRIN.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S LIVING ROOM, LATER THAT NIGHT. HYDE IS LOUNGING ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV, HIS TIE LOOSENED AND SHIRT OPENED UP. JACKIE COMES DOWN THE STAIRS, SHE'S STILL IN HER DRESS FROM DINNER. SHE HEADS OVER TO THE COUCH TOWARDS HYDE.

JACKIE:

Alright, I gave them their bath and put them down.

JACKIE SITS DOWN IN HYDE'S LAP AND WRAPS HER ARM AROUND HIS NECK.

HYDE:

(with a wicked smirk) You wanna give me a bath now?

JACKIE:

(smiling at Hyde) Are you dirty?

HYDE:

(he nods) Always, baby.

JACKIE PULLS HYDE TO HER AND THEY BEGIN KISSING AS ERIC AND DONNA BURST IN THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. THEY'RE ALSO STILL DRESSED UP FROM DINNER. DONNA IS HOLDING UP HER CALENDAR AND ERIC IS GRINNING FROM EAR-TO EAR. JACKIE AND HYDE BREAK THEIR KISS AND LOOK EXTREMELY ANNOYED AT THE INTERRUPTION.

ERIC:

(yelling) We've got it!

DONNA:

(excitedly) We picked a date!

HYDE:

Great. (shooing them away with his hand) Come back tomorrow morning and tell us what it is.

HYDE LIFTS JACKIE OUT OF HIS LAP AND SETS HER DOWN ON THE FLOOR THEN HE TOO STANDS UP. HE TAKES JACKIE'S HAND AND THEY START HEADING TOWARDS THE STAIRS.

DONNA:

(annoyed with Jackie and Hyde) You two are the best man and the matron of honor. Don't you wanna know what the date is?

JACKIE LOOKS AT HYDE WHO SHAKES HIS HEAD SHE THEN TURNS BACK TO DONNA AND SHRUGS.

JACKIE:

Not really.

HYDE SMACKS JACKIE ON THE BUTT AND SHE STARTS GIGGLING AND TAKES OFF RUNNING UP THE STAIRS WITH HYDE CHASING AFTER HER.

DONNA:

(watching them go) What a bunch of jerks.

ERIC:

(nodding in agreement) Yeah. (he smiles at Donna) Let's get back at them by doing it on their couch.

DONNA LAUGHS AND ERIC PULLS HER TO HIM AND THEY START TO KISS.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"I'm A Man"

Fez and Laurie try to play matchmaker for Fenton, while Hyde and Kelso get stuck taking their kids to a baby class.


	35. I'm A Man

"I'm A Man"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Chicago.

I own nothing, I'm just trying to fix the disastrous way the show ended. This is Episode 9-4.

Thanks for reviewing!! I really appreciate people taking the time to leave them. It's so much fun to read what you guys think!!

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, MORNING. HYDE IS SITTING ON HIS CHAIR. LAYLA AND JAGGER ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH, SURROUNDED BY PILLOWS. KELSO IS IN THE LAWN CHAIR WITH BETSY ON HIS LAP. THEY'RE ALL WATCHING TV WHEN ERIC AND DONNA COME DOWN THE STAIRS. ERIC STOPS FOR A MINUTE AND LOOKS AT THE TWINS AND THEN LOOKS AT THE TV.

ERIC:

(to Hyde) Are you watching "Scooby-Doo" with your five month-olds?

HYDE:

(with a nod) Yep. (he grins, proudly, at the twins) And they figured out who the ghost was before Kelso did.

KELSO FROWNS AT HYDE WHILE DONNA SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH NEXT TO THE TWINS.

DONNA:

(giving the guys a teasing smile) I think it's cute Hyde and Kelso have two more playmates.

ERIC:

You know what would be even cuter?

ERIC HEADS TO THE COFFEE TABLE AND GRABS A MAGAZINE THEN HE OPENS IT UP AND SETS IT IN LAYLA'S LAP.

ERIC:(cont'd)

(leans down to talk to Layla) Layla, this is called Tiger Beat. It's loaded with useful information like, what Scott Baio's favorite color is. And for Jagger ...

ERIC CROSSES TO HYDE, TAKES HIS SUNGLASSES OFF HIS FACE AND PUTS THEM ON JAGGER. THEN ERIC STEPS BACK AND SMILES AT THE TWINS.

ERIC:

There. It's Mini Hyde and Mini Jackie. Except they can't talk so I like them so much better than the grown-up versions.

ERIC SITS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH IN BETWEEN DONNA AND KELSO.

DONNA:

(smiling at the twins) God, they're getting so big. I can't believe they can sit up already.

ERIC:

(to Hyde) What's with all the pillows?

HYDE:

'Cause sometimes, without any warning, they just sort of topple over. (he grins and nods) It's good stuff.

DONNA:

(patting Jagger on the head) Don't worry, you two. I've seen your daddy and every single one of your uncles topple over. (a beat and then she smiles, sadly) And, come to think of it, your Grandma Kitty, too.

BROOKE AND JACKIE CAN BE HEARD TALKING AS THEY START DOWN THE STAIRS TOWARDS THE BASEMENT. A PANICKED LOOKING KELSO WHISPERS TO HYDE.

KELSO:

(frantically and trying to be quiet) Hyde! Incoming!

HYDE GETS UP AND TAKES THE SUNGLASSES OFF OF JAGGER AND THE MAGAZINE AWAY FROM LAYLA. HYDE PUTS HIS SUNGLASSES BACK ON. AT THE SAME TIME KELSO JUMPS UP AND CHANGES THE CHANNEL ON THE TV. BOTH GUYS MANAGE TO FINISH WHAT THEY'RE DOING AND SIT DOWN BEFORE BROOKE AND JACKIE SEE THEM. BROOKE SMILES AT KELSO, BUT JACKIE DOESN'T BUY IT.

BROOKE:

(crossing to Kelso) Michael, I am so impressed you're watching "The Electric Company"

JACKIE:

Don't be fooled, Brooke. Before we came down here they were probably watching "The Jetsons".

KELSO:

(giving Jackie a dopey smile) Shows you what you know. It was "Scooby-Doo".

HYDE STARES AT KELSO AND SHAKES HIS HEAD IN IRRITATION. JACKIE CROSSES TO HYDE AND SITS DOWN ON HIS LAP. SHE HOLDS OUT A WALLET TO HIM.

JACKIE:

Here's your wallet back.

HYDE TAKES IT FROM HER AND STARES AT IT IN CONFUSION.

HYDE:

How'd you get my wallet?

JACKIE:

(with a shrug) I lifted it when I grabbed your butt a few hours ago.

DONNA:

(with a chuckle) You've created a monster, Hyde.

HYDE OPENS UP HIS WALLET AND STARTS LOOKING THROUGH IT.

HYDE:

(to Jackie) That's interesting. There used to be money in here.

JACKIE:

(smiles at Hyde) I took all of your cash because I have to go shopping. Also, Brooke and I are going with Donna to her dress fitting so you and Michael have to take the babies to their Baby Blossom class. _And_, I won't be home until late so you're on your own for dinner.

HYDE:

(flatly) There are so many parts of that statement that I don't like, I don't know where to start.

JACKIE:

(she shrugs, happily) Well, that's too bad. See you tonight.

JACKIE GIVES HYDE A QUICK KISS AND STARTS TO GET OFF OF HIS LAP. HE GRABS HER WRIST AND PULLS HER BACK DOWN.

HYDE:

Jackie, there's no way I'm going to that fruity, singing, dancing, goofy-face-making baby class.

JACKIE:

(points at Hyde) Yes you are and you're going to behave yourself, too. So, leave the sunglasses at home, put some duct tape over Michael's mouth and make sure he's not carrying any matches.

KELSO:

(to Jackie, annoyed) You never let me and Hyde have any fun.

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes, she turns to Kelso) Michael, you and matches are not fun. You and matches are a "Stop, Drop, and Roll" movie waiting to happen.

BROOKE:

Michael, please behave yourself.

KELSO:

(with a defeated sigh, he rolls his eyes) Don't worry. I'll be good. (with a cocky grin) I just hope all those moms don't throw themselves at me. (he chuckles to himself) _That_ would be a little awkward.

BROOKE:

(shaking her head a Kelso with a small laugh) Have fun, you two.

BROOKE LEANS DOWN AND GIVES BETSY AND KELSO A KISS GOOD-BYE AND JACKIE GETS UP OFF OF HYDE'S LAP AND LEANS DOWN TO GIVE EACH OF THE TWINS A KISS.

JACKIE:

Alright, babies, Mommy loves you. Be good for Daddy.

HYDE:

(with a smirk) How 'bout you give Daddy one of those kisses?

HYDE STANDS UP AND GRABS JACKIE FROM BEHIND TURNING HER AROUND TO FACE HIM. SHE THROWS HER ARMS AROUND HIM AND THEY START MAKING OUT. ERIC TURNS TO DONNA AND GIGGLES LIKE A LITTLE KID.

ERIC:

(quietly, to Donna) Hehe. Hyde called himself, "Daddy".

DONNA:

(shakes her head at Eric and stands up) Ok, Eric, I'm going to pick up my wedding dress so be sure and have the shoe polish and spaghetti sauce ready for when I get back.

DONNA GIVES ERIC A KISS AND LAUGHS AT HER OWN JOKE AS ERIC SMILES SARCASTICALLY. THE GIRLS EXIT THROUGH THE BASEMENT DOOR.

KELSO:

(pointing and laughing at Eric) Oh man, I forget you wrecked her wedding dress! You're out of control, Eric.

HYDE:

(nodding) Forman, I love the things you do. The things you do make getting up in the morning new and exciting.

KELSO:

Yep. That and morning sex. (he smiles) Oh, and on Saturdays, cartoons.

ERIC:

(scowling at the TV) Speaking of that, turn Scooby back on. This educational TV is terrible.

KELSO GETS UP AND CHANGES THE CHANNEL ON THE TV.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. FEZ, LAURIE AND KELSO'S APARTMENT, LATER THAT MORNING. THERE ARE BOXES EVERYWHERE AND FEZ IS STANDING OVER ONE OF THEM PUTTING SOMETHING IN IT. LAURIE COMES INTO THE LIVING ROOM FROM THE KITCHEN AND WATCHES FEZ.

LAURIE:

Fez, sweetie, stop packing pictures of yourself in Kelso's boxes. He's not going to forget what you look like.

FEZ:

(sadly) He might.

THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR

LAURIE:

Who's that?

FEZ:

(with a sigh) Probably the Grim Reaper come to take me.

LAURIE CROSSES TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT. IT'S FENTON.

FEZ:

(frowns sadly) I was close.

FENTON:

(coldly) Hello, Fez.

FEZ:

(menacing - Fez style) Fenton. (Fez crosses to the doorway and stands next to Laurie) Did you come up here to kick me while I'm down? Like a helpless little puppy dog.

FENTON:

(snidely) I've always been more of a cat man, myself. Get it? (he smiles) Cat Man? (with a sigh) Oh what I wouldn't give to have one of those suits. (suddenly cranky again) Anyway, I came up because your rent is due.

LAURIE:

(with a ditzy smile) All of it?

FENTON:

Yes, _all_ of it.

FEZ:

(nervously) What if part of the rent is missing?

FENTON:

Which part?

FEZ:

The part that Kelso is no longer paying.

FENTON:

(bitchy) The fact that you couldn't hold on to your boy toy is not my problem, Fez. The rent is due. I'm taking a singles cruise and I need the money to buy myself companionship in Mexico. (he rolls his eyes and scowls) Oh phooey, I said too much.

LAURIE:

(with fake sympathy, to Fenton) It's tough being single.

FENTON:

(nodding in agreement) Amen to that, sister. One is the loneliest number.

LAURIE:

(an evil grin spreading across her face) You know, Fez and I have a lot of great single friends. What if we helped each other out?

FENTON:

(tilts his head, intrigued) Go on ...

LAURIE:

If we fixed you up with someone, would you give us a discount on the rent?

FEZ:

(whispers to Laurie) Doesn't this make us prostitutes?

LAURIE:

(whispers back) No. This makes us pimps.

FEZ:

Oh. (he smiles) That is much better.

FENTON:

Who did you have in mind? (he grins) Ooh, how about that violent curly-haired friend of yours? He's one tall, broody drink of water.

FEZ:

(nodding) Yes. And he has very pretty eyes.

LAURIE:

(shaking her head) You don't want Hyde. He's dirty.

FENTON:

Oh, honey, dirty is my favorite quality in a man.

LAURIE:

We'll find you someone really good. Someone sensitive and good looking and smart.

FEZ:

(hisses at Laurie) Laurie, I am not going to date Fenton just so we can get cheaper rent.

LAURIE:

(ignoring Fez) We're gonna find you someone that's hot, and sexy and open to new and interesting experiences. (she smiles, wickedly) If you know what I mean. Do we have a deal? (she holds out her hand)

FEZ AND LAURIE HOLD THEIR BREATH WHILE FENTON PONDERS THEIR PROPOSITION. FINALLY HE TAKES LAURIE'S HAND AND SHAKES IT.

FENTON:

Deal. (he grins at Laurie) I like you. You're a little twisted.

LAURIE:

(nodding) I'm _a lot_ twisted.

FENTON SMILES AT LAURIE AND FEZ LAUGHS, NERVOUSLY.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, THAT AFTERNOON. ERIC IS ON THE COUCH, IN ONLY HIS TEE SHIRT AND BOXERS, READING A COMIC BOOK AND LISTENING TO _"FLY BY NIGHT"_ BY RUSH ON THE STEREO. RED COMES DOWN THE STAIRS AND FROWNS WHEN HE SEES ERIC.

RED:

What is the matter with you? Do you have something against wearing pants?

ERIC:

(with a smile) Going pants-less is carefree.

RED:

(annoyed and grouchy) It's fruity. Put 'em back on. You're coming with me.

ERIC:

(whining) What? No. It's my day off, I have the basement all to myself _and _Donna's gone. Do you know how often those things all happen at the same time? (a beat) Hayley's Comet happens more often.

RED:

When was the last time you checked in on the construction workers at your house?

ERIC:

(pauses like he's thinking) Um ... the last time? It was ...no ... oh yeah, never.

RED:

That's what I thought. Let's go, dumbass. (he points at Eric) And on our way home we're stopping at the shop and you're going to help me with some cars.

ERIC:

(gives Red a sarcastic smirk) _Or ... _maybe when we're at my house, I'll just find a hammer and hit myself over the head with it instead.

RED DOES NOT LOOK AMUSED AND ERIC SIGHS AND REACHES FOR HIS PANTS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. GROOVES, A SHORT WHILE LATER. THERE ARE A FEW CUSTOMERS WALKING AROUND AND_"BEAST OF BURDEN"_ BY THE ROLLING STONES IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. FEZ AND LAURIE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH IN THE LISTENING PIT AND HYDE IS IN ONE OF THE CHAIRS WITH THE TWINS ON HIS LAP. DENNIS IS STANDING BEHIND THE COUCH LISTENING TO FEZ TELL HIS SAD STORY.

FEZ:

So. Now I have become a pimp for my bastard of a landlord. (like he's going to cry) I feel so cheap.

DENNIS:

(nodding) Sounds like you have yourself a moral dilemma, man,

LAURIE:

(shaking her head) No we don't. The only dilemma we have is how to spend our extra fifty dollars.

DENNIS HEADS TO THE REGISTER AS KELSO COMES OUT OF HYDE'S OFFICE CARRYING BETSY AND LOOKING VERY DISTRESSED.

KELSO:

(to Hyde) Man, I don't know what to do. Betsy's got a horrible diaper rash.

HYDE:

Did you put the white stuff on her?

KELSO:

(shaking his head, sadly) No. I put powder on her.

HYDE:

(cranky) You've gotta use the white stuff, moron.

KELSO:

(very whiny) But I don't have the white stuff.

HYDE REACHES DOWN AT HIS FEET AND GRABS SOMETHING OUT OF A DIAPER BAG.

HYDE:

(with disgust) Quit your cryin', you big baby. I've got the white stuff.

HE TOSSES THE TUBE TO KELSO AND FEZ STARES, ANGRILY, AT HYDE.

FEZ:

(very bitchy) Excuse me, Mary Poppins, I have a problem.

HYDE:

(slowly and very menacingly , to Fez) What did you call me?

FEZ:

(panic setting in) Oh my God. Hyde is going to kill me. (he squeezes his eyes shut) Tell me when it's over.

KELSO:

(yelling at Fez and Laurie) We're the ones with the problem. (indicating he and Hyde) We've gotta go to this dumb baby class. (suddenly excited, to Hyde) Hey, I've got an idea - let's ditch the baby class and take the kids to the arcade instead.

HYDE:

(shaking his head) No way, man. Maybe you like getting cut off. But I'm pretty fond of having sex with my wife.

KELSO STOMPS OFF WITH A POUT BACK TOWARDS HYDE'S OFFICE.

FEZ:

(very distressed)Where am I going to find some poor sucker to set up with Fenton?

SUDDENLY, MITCH ENTERS FROM THE FORCE. HE CROSSES TOWARDS THE GANG IN THE LISTENING PIT.

MITCH:

Hey guys.

LAURIE AND FEZ SMILE AT MITCH LIKE LIGHT BULBS HAVE JUST GONE OFF OVER THEIR HEADS.

LAURIE:

(quietly, to Fez) I think we just found our sucker.

FEZ:

(with a smile) Mitch, how would you like to go on a double date with myself, Laurie and a very single friend of ours?

MITCH:

That depends, is she hot?

FEZ:

(nodding) This person is very popular with the fellas.

MITCH:

Do you think she'll put out?

FEZ:

(grinning, slyly) I think there is a good chance this person is willing to do things to you that have never been done before.

MITCH:

(shrugs) Well, I'm sold.

KELSO, HOLDING BETSY, COMES BACK OUT FROM HYDE'S OFFICE. HIS FACE IS COVERED IN WHITE CREAM.

KELSO:

(embarrassed) Um, Hyde, I think I need a little help.

HYDE:

(staring at Kelso) What the hell is the matter with you?

KELSO:

(spastically) That stuff just shot out of the tube! It was like silly string, man.

EVERYONE GETS A LAUGH AT KELSO. AND HYDE SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISBELIEF AS HE GETS OFF HIS CHAIR TO GO HELP KELSO.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. POINT PLACE MALL, A BRIDAL SHOP, THAT AFTERNOON. KITTY IS LOOKING THROUGH RACKS OF DRESSES WHILE BROOKE IS BEING FITTED INTO HER BRIDESMAID'S DRESS BY A SEAMSTRESS. JACKIE IS ALSO WEARING HER BRIDESMAID'S DRESS AND SHE IS ADMIRING HERSELF IN THE MIRROR.

KITTY:

(happily) This is so exciting. I love weddings. (a beat and then she smiles sadly) Especially when the bride and groom show up.

JACKIE:

(deadly serious) Oh don't worry, Eric will show this time. See, the day before the wedding Steven's going to tie him to the deep freeze.

DONNA:

(voice only, from inside the dressing room) Ok, I'm ready.

THE DRESSING ROOM DOOR OPENS AND DONNA STEPS OUT IN HER WEDDING DRESS. SHE LOOKS ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL AND SHE HAS A HOPEFUL SMILE ON HER FACE AS SHE WAITS FOR THE OTHER'S REACTIONS.

DONNA:(cont'd)

(eagerly) Well? What do you think?

BROOKE AND KITTY IMMEDIATELY SURROUND DONNA, WHILE JACKIE STAYS IN THE BACKGROUND, STARING AT DONNA. KITTY STARTS TO CRY

KITTY:

Oh my goodness. Look at you. (she claps) In a dress.

BROOKE:

(sweetly) Donna, you look beautiful.

DONNA SUDDENLY NOTICES THAT JACKIE IS STANDING APART FROM THE GROUP.

DONNA:

Jackie?

JACKIE:

(with a small smile) I love it, Donna.

DONNA:

(rolling her eyes) Yeah. But?

JACKIE:

(she pauses and shakes her head) Nope. No buts. (very sincerely) You look amazing.

DONNA:

(stunned, she smiles at Jackie) Wow. Thanks, Jackie.

JACKIE CROSSES QUICKLY TO DONNA, GIVING HER A HUGE HUG. KITTY WHIPS HER CAMERA OUT OF HER PURSE AND TAKES A PICTURE. DONNA AND JACKIE BREAK THEIR HUG AND BOTH GIRLS ARE TEARY-EYED AS THEY TURN THEIR ATTENTION TO KITTY.

KITTY:

We're going to call that picture, "Jackie gives a real compliment." (she laughs)

JACKIE ROLLS HER EYES AND DONNA GIVES HER A PLAYFUL SHOVE AS KITTY RESUMES TAKING PICTURES.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 6

INT. POINT PLACE COMMUNITY CENTER, A CLASSROOM, A SHORT WHILE LATER. THE CLASSROOM IS FILLED WITH TOYS AND THERE ARE SEVERAL MOMS AND THEIR BABIES SITTING ON THE FLOOR AND PLAYING. THE WOMEN ARE ALL YOUNG AND VERY GOOD LOOKING. HYDE AND KELSO ENTER THE ROOM AND ALL THE MOMS IMMEDIATELY START CHECKING THEM OUT, BUT THE GUYS ARE COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS. THEY ARE CARRYING THEIR KIDS AND THEY BOTH HAVE DIAPERS BAGS SLUNG OVER THEIR SHOULDERS. HYDE LOOKS BEYOND PISSED AND KELSO IS POINTING AT HYDE AND LAUGHING.

KELSO:

Look at you, man. All loaded down with diapers and kids. You look funny.

HYDE:

I look funny? (he points at Kelso) You've got Cheerios stuck in your hair and that diaper rash stuff on your face.

KELSO SHEEPISHLY WIPES HIS FACE AND THEN HYDE AND KELSO FINALLY TURN THEIR ATTENTION TO THEIR SURROUNDINGS AND REALIZE THEY ARE IN A ROOM FULL OF WOMEN WHO ARE STARING AT THEM.

HYDE:(cont'd)

(shaking his head) You've got to be kidding me.

KELSO:

How come I never knew about this place when I was single? This would be like shooting squirrels in a barrel.

HYDE:

(scowls at Kelso) Fish. It would be like shooting _fish_ in a barrel.

KELSO:

(snotty) Why would I wanna shoot a fish, Hyde?

THE TEACHER A VERY GOOD LOOKING, BUT VERY SPACEY LOOKING WOMAN, APPROACHES HYDE AND KELSO. SHE TURNS HER ATTENTION TO THE BABIES AND BEGINS MAKING GOOFY FACES AT THEM WHICH MAKES HYDE EVEN MORE IRRITATED AND MAKES KELSO GIGGLE.

TEACHER:

Hello there, little Betsy Boo. Hey there, Betsy boo's Daddy.

HYDE:

(giving Kelso a taunting smile) Kelso, that's what I'm gonna start callin' you, man.

TEACHER:

And hello to you, La La La Layla and Mister Jagger. And I bet this is your Daddy. Look at how crazy your daddy's hair is. (doing baby talk to Hyde) Yes it is. Yes it is.

KELSO:

(with a huge, open-mouthed grin) His name's Steven. But he really likes it when you call him, "Steve".

HYDE:

(sarcastically, to Kelso) Thanks, Mike.

TEACHER:

Where are Jackie and Brooke?

HYDE:

(pissed-off) Wherever they are I bet they're laughing their asses off.

TEACHER:

(in a sing-song voice) Uh-oh, Steve. That's a no-no word. See, we only use words that are happy words.

KELSO:

(to the teacher) Ass is a totally happy word. Like, if I were to say to you, "you have a sweet ass" it makes you happy. Right?

TEACHER:

(laughs, nervously) We like to say if you can't use a word in church you can't use it in Baby Blossom class.

HYDE:

(a wicked smirk slowly spreading across his face) Yeah. I don't think that's gonna help us. We do a lot of things in church that I'm pretty sure you don't want us doing in your Baby Blossom class.

THE TEACHER SMILES ANOTHER SPACED-OUT GRIN AND WANDERS AWAY. KELSO IS GIGGLING TO HIMSELF AT WHAT HE THINKS HYDE WAS REFERRING TO.

KELSO:

(quietly, to Hyde) You talking about circle time in Pastor Dave's office?

HYDE REALIZES KELSO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT INCIDENT HYDE IS THINKING ABOUT.

HYDE:

Um ... ok. We can go with that.

HYDE LOOKS A LITTLE GUILTY AND KELSO LOOKS COMPLETELY CLUELESS AS TO WHAT HYDE COULD BE TALKING ABOUT.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. POINT PLACE COMMUNITY CENTER, A FEW MINUTES LATER. HYDE AND KELSO ARE NOW SITTING ON THE FLOOR WITH THEIR KIDS SITTING IN FRONT OF THEM, FACING HYDE AND KELSO. THE BABIES ARE PLAYING WITH TOYS AND KELSO HAS AN ANGRY POUT ON HIS FACE. HE LEANS OVER AND FROGS HYDE ON THE ARM.

HYDE:

(rubbing his arm as he scowls at Kelso) Dammit, Kelso! I said I was sorry. Knock it off!

KELSO:

(pouting) I can't believe you and Jackie did it when she and I were going out. If I had known that I would've cheated on her way more than I did. (Hyde frogs Kelso) OW! (rubbing his arm, in pain, he yells at Hyde) Quit it, Hyde!

KELSO PUNCHES HYDE IN THE ARM AND HYDE HITS HIM BACK. AGAIN, KELSO HITS HYDE AND HYDE HITS HIM BACK. AS THEY CONTINUE PUNCHING EACH OTHER BACK AND FORTH THE TEACHER WANDERS OVER TO THEM AND SMILES, NERVOUSLY. SOME OF THE OTHER MOMS ARE STARING AT KELSO AND HYDE.

TEACHER:

Um ... Mike, Steve, there's no hitting in Baby Blossoms. (with a smile) We use feeling words to express our emotions.

KELSO:

Fine. (too loudly) Hyde, (he pauses) I _feel_ really pissed off that you slept with Jackie behind my back.

MORE OF THE MOMS TURN AND STARE AT HYDE AND KELSO AND HYDE LOOKS AROUND, REALIZING THEY ARE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.

HYDE:

(quietly) You're gonna _feel_ bruised and beaten if you don't shut up.

THE MOM SITTING NEXT TO HYDE LEANS IN TO HIM AND SMILES.

MOM:

(flirting with Hyde) My little girl loves your beard. You look like a teddy bear.

HYDE TURNS TO THE WOMAN AND LOOKS AT HER LIKE SHE'S CRAZY. KELSO POUTS BECAUSE HYDE IS GETTING ATTENTION FROM A CUTE GIRL.

KELSO:

(frowning at Hyde) This is the second time Grizzly Adams here has had the beard. (explaining to the mom) The first time he had it, he shaved it off to cheer Jackie up when her dad went to prison.

THE MOM LOOKS TOTALLY SHOCKED AND HYDE GLARES AT KELSO LIKE HE WANTS TO STRANGLE HIM.

MOM:

(to Kelso, shocked) Jackie's dad is in prison?

KELSO:

Yeah. But not for anything dangerous, just for crooked politician stuff. (he points at Hyde and gives him a dirty look) _Hyde's_ been to prison for dangerous stuff, though.

THE MOM LOOKS HORRIFIED BY KELSO'S STATEMENT. SHE SCOOTS BACKWARDS AWAY FROM HYDE AND KELSO.

HYDE:

(shaking his head) Jackie was right. I should've duct taped your mouth.

KELSO:

(spastically) Well apparently I should've duct taped your pants so you wouldn't sleep with my girlfriend!

THE MOM LEANS BACK IN TO KELSO AND HYDE.

MOM:

(to Kelso) Jackie was your girlfriend?

KELSO:

(with a grin) Yeah. But that was before Brooke and I did it in a bathroom at the Molly Hatchet concert and conceived little Betsy here. (he pats Betsy on the head)

THE MOM GASPS, IN SHOCK AND KELSO CONTINUES TO GRIN AWAY. HYDE JUST SHAKES HIS HEAD. THE TEACHER STANDS UP AND ADDRESSES THE WHOLE CLASS.

TEACHER:

(in a baby talk voice) Alright, blossoms, it's time to sing "The Itsy Bitsy Spider".

HYDE:

(flatly, to the teacher) I don't know that one.

TEACHER:

(to Hyde) Everybody knows that song. Didn't your mommy used to sing it to you?

HYDE:

(very sarcastically) No. But she used to sing me, "Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer On The Wall". Are we gonna do that one?

KELSO:

(excitedly, to Hyde) Did you know Fez knows that song in Spanish? When I can't sleep, he sings it to me.

TEACHER:

Ok everyone, get your little spiders ready.

THE OTHER MOMS ALL HOLD UP THEIR HANDS TO DO THE ITSY BITSY SPIDER. HYDE AND KELSO LOOK TOTALLY LOST. THE TEACHER COMES OVER TO THEM AND GRABS HYDE'S HAND, MAKING HIS "SPIDER" FOR HIM

TEACHER:(cont'd)

(way too happily) There you go, Steve.

THE TEACHER WALKS AWAY AND THE CLASS STARTS SINGING. HYDE SIGHS AND STARES AT LAYLA AND JAGGER WHO STARE BACK AT HIM, LIKE THEY'RE WAITING FOR HIM TO DO SOMETHING. KELSO IS LOOKING AROUND WATCHING OTHER PEOPLE DO THEIR SPIDERS AND HE TRIES AND TRIES, BUT CANNOT DO IT.

KELSO:

(frustrated) What the hell? (he yells out) Teacher, my spider doesn't work!

HYDE HANGS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS AND KELSO CONTINUES TO TRY TO GET HIS SPIDER TO WORK.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

EXT. ERIC AND DONNA'S NEW HOUSE, LATER THAT AFTERNOON. THE HOUSE LOOKS VERY FAR FROM DONE. IT'S PARTIALLY BUILT BUT THERE ARE NO WALLS AND NO ROOF. RED IS FUMING AS HE LOOKS AT THE HALF-BUILT HOUSE AND ERIC HAS A VERY SARCASTIC GRIN ON HIS FACE AS HE TAKES IT ALL IN.

ERIC:

Huh. It doesn't look as done as I thought it might.

RED:

(angrily) What the hell have these workers been doing?

ERIC:

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, not a whole lot.

LEO, WEARING A TOOL BELT WALKS AIMLESSLY THROUGH THE CONSTRUCTION. ERIC AND RED STARE AT HIM IN SHOCK AND LEO GIVES THEM A SPACED-OUT SMILE.

LEO:

(to Eric) Hey, man. Wow. (he laughs) You find me no matter where I am.

ERIC:

Leo? What are you doing here?

LEO:

(shrugs) I'm not real sure. Am I here to meet you?

LEO'S COUSIN THEO, ALSO IN A TOOL BELT COMES UP TO JOIN THEM.

THEO:

(smiling at Red and Eric) Hey there, man. Long time no see.

ERIC:

(shocked) Theo? Wait. (he pauses as realization starts to set in) Are you guys the builders?

LEO:

(smiles and nods) _That's_ what I was doing here. (he pats Eric on the back) Thanks for reminding me, man.

RED:

(looking back and forth between Leo and Theo) These are the idiots building your house? Your walls are going to cave in and your house is going to smell like Steven's old room.

THEO:

I know it looks bad. That late blizzard really set us back. But don't worry, we should be back on track in about a month or so.

ERIC:

(quickly) A month? The house was supposed to be done in a couple of weeks. Now you're saying it's gonna be a month.

THEO:

(shaking his head) Oh no.

ERIC:

(with a sigh of relief) Thank God.

THEO:

No, I said we should be _back on track_ in a month. Then it should only be another two months or so before we're done.

RED LOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO EXPLODE AS LEO AND THEO CONTINUE TO GRIN AWAY.

ERIC:

(to Theo) Do you have a spare hammer anywhere? I'm just gonna beat myself over the head with it.

THEO AND LEO JUST SMILE AT ERIC AND RED. RED TURNS AND FROWNS AT ERIC.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. A BAR, THAT NIGHT. LAURIE AND FEZ ARE SITTING AT A TABLE WITH A PITCHER OF MARGARITAS AND FOUR GLASSES IN FRONT OF THEM. _"MAGIC MAN"_ BY HEART IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. LAURIE LOOKS RELAXED BUT FEZ LOOKS ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED. MITCH WALKS IN THROUGH THE DOOR AND LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM. FEZ SPOTS HIM AND STARTS TO PANIC.

FEZ:

There's Mitch. (frantically, to Laurie) This isn't going to work and we won't be able to afford our rent and we are going to live on the street in a box.

LAURIE:

(with a smile) Relax, Fezzy. I'm evil. I can pull this off in my sleep.

MITCH HAS REACHED THE TABLE AND HE LOOKS BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN FEZ AND LAURIE. FEZ SMILES WEAKLY AND LAURIE GIVES HER BEST PHONY SWEET FACE.

LAURIE:(cont'd)

Hi Mitch.

MITCH:

(dismissively) Yeah, yeah. Enough small talk. Where's your slutty friend?

LAURIE:

Change of plans. Our friend Fenton is meeting us instead.

MITCH:

(he frowns) A dude? No thanks. (mocking Fez) I should've known you didn't know any hot chicks, Fez. Which is odd 'cause you _are_ a chick. I'm outta here.

MITCH TURNS TO GO AND LAURIE STARTS TALKING, VERY LOUDLY, TO FEZ.

LAURIE:

(with shrug) I guess you were right, Fez. He's intimidated by strong men. The _lesser_ men usually are.

MITCH STOPS AND TURNS BACK TO FEZ AND LAURIE.

MITCH:

Come again?

LAURIE:

(baiting Mitch) See, our friend is one of those tough, manly guys. Fez said you'd be intimidated by him.

MITCH:

(to Fez) That's what you think, Mushmouth?

FEZ:

(looks nervously to Laurie for the answer) Is it? (Laurie nods, indiscreetly, and Fez turns back to Mitch) Yes. Yes it is.

MITCH:

(trying to be a tough guy) Nobody intimidates me. (a beat) Well, except Darth Vader. But let's face it - he intimidates everyone.

LAURIE:

(with a triumphant grin) So you'll stay?

MITCH:

Fine. But you guys are buying.

MITCH SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE AND POURS HIMSELF A MARGARITA.

LAURIE:

No problem. It's five dollar margarita pitcher night.

FEZ:

(with a dreamy sigh) Ah margaritas - frozen candy in a glass. I could drink them all night.

MITCH:

(to Fez) Watch out for brain freezes, man. You can't afford to lose any more cells up there.

FENTON ENTERS THE BAR AND LOOKS AROUND.

LAURIE:

There's Fenton.

LAURIE WAVES FENTON OVER AND FENTON IMMEDIATELY SIZES UP MITCH.

FENTON:

(to Mitch) A red-head, huh? I bet you're fiesty.

MITCH LOOKS TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS TO FENTON'S STARES.

MITCH:

(with a nod) I am a little fiesty.

FEZ:

(nervously) Fenton, this is Mitch Miller.

FENTON:

(with a sleazy grin) Ooh. Like the singer. (he sits down next to Mitch) What do you do, crooner?

MITCH:

I'm in sales.

FENTON:

What do you sell? (he smiles) Besides your good looks, of course.

MITCH:

"Star Wars" things, mostly.

FENTON:

"Star Wars"? I love "Star Wars". Especially that Luke Skywalker.

MITCH:

(excitedly) Isn't he the coolest?

FENTON:

The coolest? Or the _hottest_?

MITCH LAUGHS AND FENTON SCOOTS HIS CHAIR IN CLOSER WHILE MITCH IS LOOKING AWAY.

MITCH:

(to Fez) I love this guy. (to Fenton) I can't believe you're friends with Mr. Too-tight Pants over here. (he points at Fez with disdain)

FENTON:

(frowning at Fez) Oh we're not friends. I'm his landlord.

MITCH:

That's awesome. You're the Lord of the land.

FENTON GIVES MITCH A HUGE SMILE AND MITCH POURS FENTON A MARGARITA. AN EVIL GRIN SPREADS ACROSS LAURIE'S FACE.

LAURIE:

Cheap rent, here we come!

FEZ AND LAURIE CLINK GLASSES.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, LATER THAT NIGHT. RED IS AT THE TABLE HAVING A BEER AND ERIC IS RIFFLING THROUGH THE FRIDGE. THEY BOTH LOOK INCREDIBLY INTOXICATED. ERIC STANDS UP AT THE FRIDGE AND HOLDS A BEER UP IN THE AIR.

ERIC:

(talking way too loudly) How 'bout another beer, Dad?

RED:

(with a huge grin) Make it two, son.

ERIC GRABS A FEW BEERS AND HEADS TOWARDS THE TABLE. THE SLIDING DOOR OPENS AND KITTY AND DONNA ENTER FOLLOWED BY JACKIE AND BROOKE. THE GIRLS ARE ALL CARRYING SEVERAL SHOPPING BAGS. DONNA IS CARRYING A LARGE GARMENT BAG. ERIC POINTS AT DONNA WHEN SHE COMES IN.

ERIC:

Oh boy, here comes the wedding dress. (he cups his hands around his mouth and yells around the room) Lock up the shoe polish!

DONNA AND KITTY BOTH FROWN AT THE GUYS, BROOKE LOOKS MILDLY AMUSED AND JACKIE STARTS TO LAUGH.

DONNA:

Eric, are you drunk?

ERIC:

(smiles proudly) I'm beyond drunk. I'm crocked.

KITTY:

(angrily) Red, your son is drunk.

RED:

(with a nod) Yep. So am I. And I'm not ashamed to admit it.

ERIC:

(very sarcastically) And guess what else. Our house won't be done for three more months. Oh and it's being built by Leo and Theo so it's probably going to be made out of hemp. So _that'll_ be fun.

DONNA:

(stares at Eric, in shock) Three months? But we're getting married in six weeks.

ERIC:

(nods) Yep.

HE PUTS ONE HAND ON RED'S SHOULDER AND THE OTHER ARM AROUND KITTY.

ERIC:(cont'd)

(to Donna) Meet our new roommates.

DONNA AND KITTY LOOK COMPLETELY STUNNED WHILE ERIC STARTS TO SWAY BACK AND FORTH, DRUNKENLY.

RED:

(smiles at Kitty) Now you see the need for the drunkenness.

KITTY JUST SIGHS AND DONNA LOOKS COMPLETELY SHOCKED. BROOKE AND JACKIE TRY NOT TO BURST OUT LAUGHING.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 5

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING. HYDE IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR HOLDING JAGGER ON HIS LAP. KELSO IS ON THE COUCH WITH BETSY AND LAYLA WHO ARE PLAYING WITH SOME TOYS. KELSO IS STARING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE, VACANTLY, WHILE HYDE LOOKS VERY IRRITATED.

HYDE:

(very matter-of-fact) We are so screwed.

KELSO:

(totally serious) I think we should just tell them we didn't go to Baby Blossoms because the community center was destroyed by aliens.

HYDE:

(stares at Kelso) Kelso, when you hear things in your head, how do they sound to you? Do they sound smart?

KELSO:

(not getting it) Sometimes, yeah. Why?

JACKIE YELLS DOWN FROM THE TOP OF THE STAIRS.

JACKIE:

Steven? Are you down here?

JACKIE AND BROOKE START DOWN THE STAIRS AND KELSO STARTS TO LOOK VERY NERVOUS.

KELSO:

(quietly, to Hyde) Our only hope is to distract them with our sexiness.

HYDE:

Yeah. Let me know how that goes for you.

JACKIE AND BROOKE HEAD TOWARDS THE GUYS. BROOKE REACHES DOWN TO PICK UP BETSY AND THEN SHE SITS NEXT TO KELSO. JACKIE GIVES BOTH OF THE BABIES A KISS AND THEN SHE PICKS UP LAYLA AND HOLDS HER WHILE SHE LOOKS, EXPECTANTLY AT HYDE.

JACKIE:

Well? How was Baby Blossoms?

HYDE:

(smiling, nervously, at Jackie) Um ... I learned a new song.

KELSO:

(with a loud, dopey laugh) It was a _disaster_!

HYDE GLARES AT KELSO LIKE HE'S GOING TO KILL HIM. JACKIE FROWNS AT HYDE WHILE BROOKE STARES AT KELSO. KELSO LOOKS AT EACH OF THEM REALIZING HE AND HYDE ARE IN BIG TROUBLE

KELSO:(cont'd)

(he whispers, loudly, to Hyde) Try to look sexy, Hyde.

HYDE CONTINUES TO GLARE, MENACINGLY, AT KELSO.

BROOKE:

Michael, please tell me you didn't burn down the community center.

KELSO:

(quickly) That lady teacher was insane, ok? She was singing and dancing around and making weird faces. I think she was on dope, man.

HYDE:

(with a chuckle at Kelso) You just totally sounded like Red.

JACKIE:

(smacks Hyde on the leg) Steven! Get to the point.

HYDE:

(he points at Kelso) The point is, Kelso's a moron.

KELSO:

(shaking his head, he points at Hyde) It wasn't my fault, it was Hyde. He started talking about "Ninety-Nine Bottles Of Beer" and then they found out he'd been in jail. Oh, and then he brought up the whole sex with Jackie in the church thing. (he turns and frowns at Jackie) Which, by the way, _Jackie, _cheater, cheater, pants on fire!

JACKIE:

(exasperated) Michael, it's_ liar_, _liar_ pants on fire.

KELSO:

(wagging his finger, spastically, at Jackie) Don't try to change the subject.

HYDE:

(to Kelso) You tool, you were the one that brought up Jackie's dad being in prison and bathroom sex with Brooke.

BROOKE:

(totally horrified) Michael, you _didn't_.

KELSO:

(stammering, frantically) I was trying to explain you know how I used to go out with Jackie and then Hyde stole her and then you and I met and(using his hands to demonstrate an explosion) _BAM_, fireworks. (he grins at Brooke) And the rest ... is history.

KELSO PAUSES AND WAITS FOR BROOKE'S REACTION. SHE JUST STARES AT HIM IN DISBELIEF. JACKIE IS GLARING AT HYDE LIKE SHE'S GOING TO TEAR HIM APART. HYDE PAUSES FOR A FEW SECONDS BEFORE GIVING JACKIE HIS BEST SMIRK.

HYDE:

How 'bout that itsy bitsy spider?

JACKIE DOES NOT LOOK AMUSED AND SHE CONTINUES HER STARE-DOWN OF HYDE.

KELSO;

(to Brooke) You guys are _totally_ overreacting. (to Jackie) Who cares if everybody knows you and Hyde did it in the church while you were still going out with me.

JACKIE GASPS AND COVERS HER FACE WITH HER HAND, MORTIFIED. HYDE IS DUMBSTRUCK BY KELSO'S STUPIDITY,

HYDE:

(to Kelso) Stop talking. Just. Stop. Talking.

HYDE SIGHS, DEFEATED, AND TAKES HIS GLASSES OFF. HE DECIDES TO TRY A NEW APPROACH AND GIVES JACKIE HIS BEST SEXY SMILE.

HYDE:(cont'd)

Jackie ...

JACKIE:

(interrupting him) And don't think that sexy look is gonna fix anything. 'Cause right now it's just making me wanna smack you upside the head.

BROOKE:

(smiling fakely) What a good idea.

BROOKE SMACKS KELSO ON THE HEAD AND THEN GETS UP AND STOMPS UP THE STAIRS WITH BETSY. KELSO WATCHES HER GO AND THEN TURNS BACK TO HYDE AND LAUGHS.

KELSO:

That was _hot_!

JACKIE PICKS UP ONE OF LAYLA'S TOYS AND SMACKS KELSO WITH IT.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 6

INT. A BAR, LATE THAT NIGHT. _"TAKE A CHANCE ON ME"_ BY ABBA IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. THERE IS AN EMPTY PITCHER SITTING ON THE TABLE. FEZ HAS HIS ARM AROUND LAURIE AND THEY ARE SNUGGLED TOGETHER WATCHING FENTON AND MITCH WHO APPEAR TO BE INVOLVED IN A DEEP CONVERSATION.

MITCH:

(deadly serious, to Fenton) See, the thing with Luke and Leia is it's kind of a forbidden love. Because you know, she's a princess and he's just a poor farm boy. That's what makes them so hot. The forbidden love.

FENTON:

(nodding) I couldn't agree more. (with a perverted smile) Forbidden love is the best kind.

FEZ IS WATCHING THE TWO MEN WITH GREAT AMUSEMENT WHEN LAURIE TURNS TO HIM AND GIVES HIM A DITZY SMILE.

LAURIE:

Fez, is our love forbidden?

FEZ:

I don't know about that. (he grins) But I know that thing we did last night is actually illegal in many states.

FENTON:

(with a sigh) Ah ... illegal love. I know it well.

MITCH:

(nudging Fenton) A law breaker, huh? (nodding as he looks Fenton up and down) I can see that. You look like a rebel.

FENTON:

Put a leather coat on me and I'm James Dean.

MITCH:

(slamming down the last of his drink) Wow. These margaritas are hittin' me hard. I might get a little crazy tonight.

FENTON:

(quickly holds up his hand and beckons to the waitress) Check, please!

FEZ:

(gleefully, he whispers) Laurie, go buy us a fifty dollar bottle of champagne.

LAURIE GIVES FEZ A WICKED SMILE AND HE WAGGLES HIS EYEBROWS AT HER AND GIVES HER HIS SEXY "STALLION" LOOK.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

INT. THE COMMUNITY CENTER, A FEW DAYS LATER. THE SAME WOMEN ARE BACK WITH THEIR BABIES AND THE SAME TEACHER IS ALSO THERE. EVERYONE IS SITTING ON THE FLOOR WITH THEIR BABIES FACING THEM. KELSO IS SITTING NEXT TO BROOKE AND BETSY IS SITTING ON HIS LAP. HYDE IS NEXT TO KELSO WITH LAYLA ON HIS LAP. JACKIE IS SITTING NEXT TO HYDE AND SHE HAS JAGGER. THE OTHER MOMS AND THE TEACHER ARE SINGING "THE ITSY BITSY SPIDER" KELSO IS TRYING TO GET HIS FINGERS TO DO THE SPIDER AND HE LOOKS VERY FRUSTRATED. BROOKE IS TRYING NOT TO LAUGH WHILE SHE WATCHES KELSO. HYDE LOOKS EXTREMELY ANNOYED AND HE AND JACKIE ARE STARING AT EACH OTHER.

HYDE:

I am _not_ doin' this.

JACKIE:

Do you ever want to see me naked again?

HYDE:

(a beat and then he nods) That would be a "yes".

JACKIE:

(very bitchy) Then you better sing.

HYDE QUICKLY, BUT ANGRILY, BEGINS SINGING THE SONG. IN THE MEAN TIME, KELSO THROWS HIS HANDS UP IN THE AIR IN TOTAL EXASPERATION.

KELSO:

(yells, spastically) Will somebody please tell me what I'm doing wrong?

HYDE GLARES AT KELSO LIKE HE WANTS TO PUNCH HIM AND JACKIE ROLLS HER EYES WHILE BROOKE TRIES TO HELP KELSO.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"Don't Do Me Like That"

The gang sees "The Empire Strikes Back" and it crushes Eric's Luke and Leia loving heart. But, what really disturbs him is the dream he has after the movie. And Red and Kitty join Bob and Joanne on a trip, with a surprising turn of events.


	36. Don't Do Me Like That

"Don't Do Me Like That"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Tom Petty.

I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disastrous way the show ended. This is Episode 9-5.

Thank you for reviewing!!!! I really appreciate it!!!

There will be lots of "ESB" dialogue in this episode. And hey - if you haven't seen "The Empire Strikes Back" in a while, go on, watch it. You know you want to ;-) And just a silly little side note, there is actually a song out there called, "The Ballad of Han, Luke and Leia". I'm not kidding. It's hysterical, it sounds like a song Kelso wrote on his guitar. You can find it on youtube if you're curious.

ACT 1

SCENE 1

A BLACK SCREEN. THE WORDS SCROLL ACROSS THE SCREEN LIKE IN THE BEGINNING OF "STAR WARS" WHILE THE MOVIE'S THEME SONG PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

A LONG TIME AGO, IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY . . .

ERIC FORMAN AND HIS BAND OF BEER LOVING TROUBLEMAKERS ARE EAGERLY AWAITING THE RELEASE OF THE NEXT STAR WARS SAGA.

MEANWHILE, RED AND KITTY ARE HEADED ON A CRUISE WITH BOB AND JOANNE. KITTY IS HOPING FOR A ROMANTIC VACATION AND RED . . . WELL, RED IS JUST HOPING HE DOESN'T HAVE TO THROW BOB OVERBOARD.

ERIC, DETERMINED TO BE THE FIRST IN LINE FOR THE MOVIE, HAS PACKED A FEAST OF TWONKIES AND BEER. BUT, OF COURSE, HIS FRIENDS WANT NO PART IN SLEEPING ON THE SIDEWALK. HE SHOULD HAVE LEARNED HIS LESSON AFTER THE STYX CONCERT.

HOWEVER, ERIC'S FRIENDS ARE EAGERLY AWAITING THE MOMENT LEIA CHOOSES HAN OVER LUKE. THAT WILL BE A GALACTIC BURN . . .

FADE INTO INT. FORMAN KITCHEN. MORNING, MAY 20,1980, THE DAY BEFORE THE RELEASE OF "THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK". HYDE AND KELSO ARE SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE HAVING BREAKFAST WHEN ERIC WALKS IN. HE IS CARRYING A LARGE DUFFLE BAG AND ALSO A SLEEPING BAG. HE HEADS OVER TO THE TABLE AND SETS EVERYTHING DOWN.

ERIC:

(excitedly, to the guys) Alright, I've got my sleeping bag, some beer and some Twonkies. We're all set.

HYDE:

(to Eric) Have fun, man. You'll probably be the coolest geek there. (with a smirk) That's somethin' to be proud of.

ERIC:

(disappointed) You guys aren't coming with me? I wanna be the first person in line and we have to leave now. (getting a little worked up) 'Cause I know Mitch is gonna try and beat me there and I am _not_ comin' in second to that little leprechaun.

KELSO:

(to Eric) We're not going to the theater with you, man. Hyde and I are takin' Brooke and Jackie and the kids to see the movie at the drive-in.

ERIC:

(very whiny) What? Why?

HYDE:

'Cause if I have to see "Star Wars" I'm at least gonna get a little action while I'm watching it.

KELSO:

(suddenly very sincere) Yeah, and I want Betsy to be able to say that she saw her first "Star Wars" movie with her mommy and daddy. Oh. (he laughs) And also the "get a little action" thing.

RED AND KITTY ENTER FROM THE LIVING ROOM. RED IS CARRYING SEVERAL SUITCASES.

RED:

You can pack 'em, Kitty, but I am not wearing shorts. I don't care if the ship goes down and we're stranded on a deserted island for fifty years. I'll go nude before I wear shorts.

ERIC:

(watching Red and Kitty's argument) And _that's_ why my dad will never be on "Gilligan's Island".

KITTY:

(worriedly fussing over Eric) Are you sure you're going to be alright without us, Eric?

RED:

Kitty, the boy is twenty years old. He can wash himself, dress himself, and call for a pizza. He'll be fine.

ERIC:

Don't worry about me. My goal while you're gone is to see "Star Wars" every day.

KITTY:

(with a sad smile she pats Eric on the hand) Well, it's nice to have goals.

HYDE:

(nods in agreement) Especially ones with very little talent or effort involved. Those are the best kind for you, Forman.

RED:

(points, threateningly, at Kelso) You. No matches in my house, and if you glue yourself to something we're not going to be home for seven days so make sure you're close to the toilet. (he points at Eric) You, no doing dirty things with the neighbor girl on the kitchen table while we're gone. (he points at Hyde) And you, try not to have any more kids while we're gone.

HYDE:

(shakes his head) Can't make any promises, Red.

BOB AND JOANNE ENTER. BOB IS WEARING AN INCREDIBLY TACKY HAWAIIAN SHIRT AND WAY TOO SHORT SHORTS. THEY ARE BOTH CARRYING LUGGAGE.

BOB:

(excitedly) Hey there, hi there, bon voyage there. Everybody got their swimsuits?

ERIC:

(smiling at Red) Ooh, I've seen Bob's swimsuit. Have fun, Dad.

RED:

(with a frown) Bob, if you've packed a Speedo I'm not going.

BOB SMILES AND RED SCOWLS AT HIM.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. A CRUISE SHIP LOBBY, THAT AFTERNOON. THE SHIP IS FILLED WITH PEOPLE, BOTH PASSENGERS AND CREW, WALKING AROUND. RED AND KITTY BOARD FOLLOWED BY BOB AND JOANNE. KITTY AND JOANNE LOOK EXTREMELY EXCITED WHILE BOB CHECKS OUT THE SHIP AND RED LOOKS VERY GRUMPY.

KITTY:

(looking around with a huge smile) This is so exciting. It's like we're on the Love Boat.

BOB:

If I get sick, I'm not gonna go see that "Doc" fella. He never made anybody better. He just slept with all the ladies.

RED:

(frowns at Kitty) I can't believe I let you talk me into coming on a cruise. I'm surrounded by people and I'm trapped with nowhere to go.

KITTY:

(rolling her eyes) Red, you were in the Navy. You should be used to being on a boat.

RED:

Yes, but in the Navy they gave me a gun so people were very careful not to piss me off.

BOB:

(grinning) But, I bet in the Navy they didn't have all you can eat buffets.

KITTY:

(adds, quickly) Or drinks with umbrellas.

JOANNE:

Or shuffleboard.

KITTY:

(she links arms with Red) See, Red, this is gonna be fun. Food, drinks, shuffleboard - it's like heaven on the water.

KITTY LAUGHS EXCITEDLY AND RED JUST SIGHS IN DEFEAT.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

EXT. THE DRIVE-IN, THE NEXT NIGHT. THE VISTA CRUISER IS PARKED WITH THE EL CAMINO NEXT TO IT AND KELSO'S NEW VAN NEXT TO THAT. ERIC AND DONNA ARE SITTING ON THE HOOD OF THE CRUISER. ERIC IS HOLDING A LIGHTSABER AND HE LOOKS EXTREMELY WOUND-UP. DONNA IS TRYING NOT TO LAUGH AT HIM. THE EL CAMINO IS TURNED AROUND SO THE FLAT BED IS FACING THE SCREEN. HYDE IS SITTING WITH HIS BACK UP AGAINST THE REAR WINDOW AND JACKIE IS SITTING IN BETWEEN HIS LEGS. THE TWINS, DRESSED IN PAJAMAS, ARE SITTING NEXT TO THEM SURROUNDED BY PILLOWS AND BLANKETS. KELSO'S VAN IS ALSO BACKED-UP SO THE BACK-END IS FACING THE SCREEN. THE DOORS ARE OPEN AND FEZ AND LAURIE ARE SNUGGLED UP NEXT TO EACH OTHER PASSING A BOTTLE OF BOOZE BACK AND FORTH. BROOKE IS SITTING NEXT TO THEM WITH BETSY IN HER LAP. BETSY IS ALSO WEARING HER PAJAMAS AND COVERED IN BLANKETS. KELSO IS HANGING OUT BY THE EL CAMINO TALKING WITH HYDE.

HYDE:

(nods towards the van) Kelso, I like your new wheels, man.

KELSO:

Yeah, now that Brooke and I are back together, I had to get rid of the convertible. (with a cocky smile) Chicks just throw themselves at me when they see me in the convertible.

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes at Kelso) Oh please, they were probably trying to throw themselves in front of your car to get away from you.

ERIC:

(points towards the gang using his lightsaber) Alright, I want absolute silence during the movie. (deadly serious, to Jackie and Hyde) No sex noises.

HYDE:

(looking mildly disgusted) Forman, did you bring your lightsaber with you?

ERIC QUICKLY TRIES TO HIDE HIS LIGHTSABER BEHIND HIS BACK AND LOOKS SLIGHTLY EMBARRASSED.

ERIC:

(laughing, indignantly) No. (a beat and then his smile falls and he nods, solemnly) Yes. Yes I did.

DONNA HOPS DOWN OFF THE CRUISER AND HEADS TOWARD THE OTHER CARS. ERIC GETS DOWN AND FOLLOWS HER.

DONNA:

Alright, food run. Who wants what?

LAURIE:

Fez and I are good. (she holds up a large bag and a bottle) Candy and amaretto.

FEZ:

(with a big smile) Yummy.

HYDE:

(to Fez and Laurie)Yeah. Let me know how that combination works out for you guys.

ERIC:

(urgently and his voice cracking) Donna, we have to hurry! It's gonna start soon.

DONNA:

(a little irritated) Eric, what did we say about your squeaky voice?

ERIC:

Not to use it?

ERIC AND DONNA HEAD OFF TOWARDS THE CONCESSION STAND.

HYDE:

(calling after Eric) Hey, Forman, you better bring your light saber. You might run into some storm troopers in the concessions line.

ERIC:

(rudely, to Hyde) Very funny.

ERIC STARTS TO WALK AWAY, THEN HE VERY DISCREETLY, GRABS HIS LIGHT SABER OUT OF HIS BACK POCKET.

CUT TO INT. THE CONCESSION STAND.

ERIC:

(impatiently) What is taking so long? Popcorn, candy and soda. (he yells to the people in line in front of him) It's not that hard, people!

SUDDENLY, MITCH APPEARS IN THE CROWD. WHEN HE SEES ERIC AND DONNA HE LOOKS INCREDIBLY NERVOUS.

ERIC:

Mitch? What are you doing here?

MITCH:

(stammering) Um ... I didn't think I'd see anyone I knew here.

DONNA:

(giving Mitch a friendly smile) You should pull your car up by us.

ERIC:

(hisses, angrily, at Donna) Donna? Are you drunk?

MITCH:

(quickly shakes his head) That's ok, we've already got a spot.

FENTON COMES THROUGH THE CROWD CARRYING A LARGE BUCKET OF POPCORN AND HEADING STRAIGHT TOWARDS MITCH.

FENTON:

(grinning) Alrighty, an extra large popcorn for my extra small man.

ERIC AND DONNA LOOK COMPLETELY STUNNED THAT FENTON AND MITCH ARE APPARENTLY TOGETHER.

ERIC AND DONNA:

Fenton?

ERIC:

(confused, to Mitch) But ... but you're in love with Donna.

MITCH:

(slightly guilty) Yeah. About that. Sorry, Donna. I hope you understand.

ERIC:

(he gasps) Oh my God, (points at Donna) you made Mitch gay.

DONNA:

(defensively) I didn't make him gay.

FENTON:

(with a perverse smile) _I_ did that.

MITCH:

(holding up his hands, trying to stop the conversation) Nobody made me gay. Can we please not talk about this? Let's try to focus on "Star Wars".

ERIC:

(staring at Mitch in disbelief) Wow. I actually like you more now. Now that I know you have a heart and not a tiny, evil troll sitting in the middle of your chest.

MITCH:

(with a small smile) That's probably the nicest thing you've ever said to me, Forman.

FENTON:

(to Eric) Can we buy you some raisinets?

ERIC:

(shrugs and gives Mitch and Fenton a big smile)Why not!

FENTON HEADS TOWARDS THE COUNTER WHILE THE OTHERS WATCH HIM GO.

CUT TO EXT. THE DRIVE-IN. DONNA IS AT KELSO'S VAN HANDING OUT FOOD AND ERIC HAS STOPPED AT THE EL CAMINO TO GIVE JAGGER A PRESENT WHILE JACKIE AND HYDE LOOK ON.

ERIC:

(very serious) Jagger, as my godson, I got you a little something. (he holds out a lightsaber with a bow on it) Your very own lightsaber. Use it to battle the dark side. And also, whack your mom and dad with it if they start getting too frisky.

HYDE:

(points at the screen) Here we go.

ERIC:

(his voice raising about an octave as he gets excited) Here we go! Oh my God, here we go!

DONNA HEADS TOWARDS THE CRUISER, GRABBING ERIC ON THE WAY.

DONNA:

Eric, come sit with me.

ERIC:

(to Donna) Alright, but keep your hands to yourself.

DONNA:

(with a chuckle) I'll try.

CUT TO KELSO'S VAN AS THE OPENING MUSIC BEGINS. FEZ AND LAURIE ARE SNUGGLED TOGETHER, THEIR EYES GLUED TO THE SCREEN AND STUFFING THEIR FACES WITH CANDY. KELSO HAS HIS ARM AROUND BROOKE AND BETSY IN HIS LAP.

KELSO:

(whispers, loudly) Brooke, will you read the words to me, and do it in a scary voice.

BROOKE CHUCKLES AT KELSO, THEN SHE GIVES HIM A KISS ON THE CHEEK AND LAYS HER HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER. KELSO DOESN'T TAKE HIS EYES OFF THE SCREEN.

CUT TO THE CRUISER AND THE EL CAMINO. ERIC LOOKS TOTALLY MESMERIZED. HYDE WATCHES ERIC FOR A FEW SECONDS WITH AMUSEMENT.

HYDE:

(shouts to Eric) Hey, Forman.

ERIC:

(to Hyde) What?

HYDE:

(with a shrug) I just wanted to be the first to say, I told you so.

ERIC SHAKES HIS HEAD, TRYING TO IGNORE HYDE. EVERYONE TURNS THEIR ATTENTION TO THE MOVIE.

CUT TO EXT. THE DRIVE-IN ALL THREE CARS. THE MOVIE HAS ENDED AND EVERYONE LOOKS COMPLETELY STUNNED. ERIC LOOKS SLIGHTLY CATATONIC. DONNA, SITTING NEXT TO ERIC, IS TRYING VERY HARD NOT TO LAUGH. JACKIE, STILL SITTING IN BETWEEN HYDE'S LEGS, HAS HER HAND OVER HER MOUTH AND SHE TURNS AROUND TO FACE HYDE. HYDE HAS AN EVIL SMILE ON HIS FACE. JAGGER AND LAYLA ARE SLEEPING ON THE PILLOWS AND COVERED WITH BLANKETS. KELSO'S MOUTH IS HANGING OPEN IN TOTAL SHOCK. BROOKE IS CUDDLED UP NEXT TO HIM HOLDING A SLEEPING BETSY. FEZ LOOKS EXTREMELY SAD AND ALSO A LITTLE NAUSEOUS. LAURIE IS SITTING ON HIS LAP. SHE LOOKS UNAFFECTED BY THE MOVIE AND SHE'S POLISHING OFF THE LAST OF THE AMARETTO.

DONNA:

Holy. Hell.

KELSO:

(dumb-founded) Wow. (a beat and then he laughs) Bummer.

FEZ:

I am so sad for them. The Empire has kicked their space asses. (he rubs his stomach) And I am also sad for myself because candy and amaretto is a very bad combination.

HYDE:

(with a mocking smirk on his face as he looks at Eric) Forman doesn't look real good. Maybe somebody should poke him and make sure he's still breathing.

FEZ AND KELSO HOP OUT OF THE VAN AND HEAD OVER TO TAKE A LOOK AT ERIC. LAURIE AND BROOKE SCOOT TO THE VERY EDGE OF THE VAN SO THEY CAN SEE ALL THE ACTION.

JACKIE:

(with attitude) All I have to say is, thank God they finally gave Princess Leia some more clothes. I mean, she's a princess. And no princess wears one outfit for a whole movie.

LAURIE:

(nodding) At least she finally got a decent hair stylist, 'cause that whole bun look was not working for her.

DONNA:

(holding in her laughter as she stares at Eric) Eric, are you ok?

ERIC:

(slowly) I can't believe it. Darth Vader is Luke's father?

HYDE:

(to Eric) Ooh, don't forget that Leia wants Han.

ERIC:

(sarcastically) Thank you, Hyde. (like it's starting to set in) Darth Vader is Luke's father and Leia is in love with Han. (his voice cracking) My world is crumbling, Donna. Crumbling.

KELSO:

(excitedly, he points at the others) I told you guys! Leia _totally_ did it with Han.

BROOKE:

Michael, that wasn't in the movie.

KELSO:

(with a dopey laugh) It's in my version.

ERIC:

(serious) I can't even imagine Luke's anguish. Can you imagine finding out you have a father you never knew about?

HYDE:

(very sarcastically) Yeah. I wonder what that's like.

ERIC:

Hyde, you got a cool, rich dad. Luke got an evil, part-robot dad who chopped off his hand.

LAURIE:

(with a taunting smile) Cheer up, Eric. Maybe Luke can make some progress with Leia while Han's in that carbonite thingy.

JACKIE:

(shaking her head) No chance. Once you've had Han Solo, you can't go back to wimpy Luke.

DONNA:

(nodding in agreement) Jackie's right. It's all over for Luke. I mean, he and Leia might as well be brother and sister.

KELSO:

(with a big, dopey smile) How cute was Yoda. I just wanted to pick him up and squeeze him. (suddenly, very excited) Hey, let's dress up Fez like Yoda.

FEZ GIVES KELSO A DIRTY LOOK AND ERIC CONTINUES TO LOOK EMOTIONALLY DISTRAUGHT.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. CRUISE SHIP, A DINING ROOM, THE SAME TIME. RED, KITTY, BOB AND JOANNE ARE SEATED IN A FORMAL DINING ROOM HAVING DINNER. THEY ARE ALL DRESSED UP. THE GUYS AND JOANNE ARE HAVING BEERS AND KITTY HAS A VERY TROPICAL LOOKING DRINK IN FRONT OF HER. BOB HAS A LARGE PLATE OF SHRIMP TAILS IN FRONT OF HIM AND RED IS WATCHING WITH A LOOK OF MILD ANNOYANCE AS BOB POLISHES OFF THE LAST OF HIS SHRIMP COCKTAIL.

RED:

Bob, "all you can eat" doesn't mean you _have_ to eat it all.

BOB:

(shrugging) I'm sorry, Red but when I see shrimp I gotta eat 'em. It's sinful to waste those little suckers. They gave up their lives for us, the least we can do is enjoy eating them.

KITTY:

(pulling the garnish out of her drink) Drinks just taste betters with fruit on a plastic sword in them.

JOANNE:

(quietly, to Bob) Bob, I think it's time we gave Red and Kitty their gift.

KITTY:

(claps, excitedly) A gift? Yay! Ooh, is it one of those flower leis they give people when they walk onto the Love Boat.

RED:

Kitty, that's "Fantasy Island"

KITTY:

(with a dismissive wave) Same difference. (she goes back to her drink)

BOB:

It's something a little less tropical than that.

BOB REACHES INTO HIS JACKET POCKET AND PULLS OUT AN ENVELOPE. HE HOLDS IT OUT TO RED, WHO STARES AT THE ENVELOPE, SUSPICIOUSLY.

RED:

If that's a chain letter, we don't want it.

KITTY TAKES THE ENVELOPE FROM BOB AND TEARS IT OPEN, SHE READS IT QUICKLY AND A LOOK OF SURPRISE SPREADS ACROSS HER FACE.

KITTY:

(slightly confused) It's a wedding invitation. (realization sets in and she looks thrilled) To your wedding! (to Bob and Joanne) Oh my God, you two are getting married?

BOB:

(with a huge smile) Surprise!

KITTY:

(bouncing up and down ib her chair) They're getting married! (hitting Red on the arm) Did you hear that, Red? (she screams at Red) Married! (she lets out a huge laugh)

RED:

(frowning) Alright, Kitty, no more swords with fruit for you.

RED TAKES AWAY KITTY'S DRINK.

JOANNE:

(gives Kitty a hopeful smile) Kitty, will you be my matron of honor?

KITTY:

(puts her hand on her heart, touched) Oh my goodness, of course I will. I love when Bob gets married, I always get to be a bridesmaid.

BOB:

And, Red, of course you're the best man.

RED:

(to Bob) Why? Because we're friends or because you don't know anyone else on this ship?

BOB:

(smiling) It's a little of both, Red.

KITTY:

But why are you getting married on the ship? Why not at home?

JOANNE:

(she looks at Bob and then back to Kitty) We didn't want to steal Eric and Donna's thunder. We don't need a big fancy wedding, we just wanted to have a nice, quiet ceremony with our best friends.

KITTY:

(starting to cry) That is so beautiful. That's just, it's just ... (a little lost) what's the word, Red?

RED:

(flatly) Beautiful.

KITTY:

(bangs on the table) Beautiful. It's just beautiful.

BOB:

(with a goofy smile) And also, this way we get to go straight to the honeymoon. (he puts his arm around Joanne)

RED:

(to Kitty) Now aren't you glad we got separate cabins.

KITTY NODS QUICKLY AND BOB SMILES, SHEEPISHLY.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, LATER THAT NIGHT. THE CIRCLE.

KELSO:

(contemplatively) Did anybody else think Hoth looked like Point Place in the winter?

PAN TO FEZ

FEZ:

(nodding) Yes. And Dagobah looked like my country. (deadly serious) I do not miss living there, I can tell you.

PAN TO HYDE WHO IS HOLDING A BEER AND DOESN'T LOOK "MELLOW" LIKE THE OTHER GUYS.

HYDE:

(in disgust) How nasty was Darth Vader's head. Man, keep the helmet on.

PAN TO ERIC

ERIC:

So ... who do you guys think the coolest guy in space is?

PAN TO KELSO

KELSO:

(with a big open-mouthed grin) Yoda. You seek Yoda.

PAN TO FEZ

FEZ:

(smiling) Han Solo. He is one smooth-talking, spaceship-driving, son-of-a-bitch.

PAN TO HYDE

HYDE:

(nodding in agreement) He rocks, man. Leia told him she loved him, and all he said was, "I know." That kicked ass. That's what I'm gonna say the next time Jackie says she loves me. (he frowns) And then she'll kick me, but it'll still be cool.

PAN TO ERIC

ERIC:

(very whiny) Why doesn't Leia want Luke? I mean, he can use a lightsaber for God's sake. What girl doesn't want a guy that can use a lightsaber?

PAN TO KELSO

KELSO:

(getting irritated with Eric) Eric, chicks don't want Luke because chicks want adventure and excitement ... and a Jedi craves not these things.

PAN TO FEZ

FEZ:

(with a smile and a nod) Yes. Also, women love Han because he is a scoundrel. Nobody wants the nice guy. (to Hyde) Right, Hyde?

PAN TO HYDE

HYDE:

(nodding) That's right, buddy. Ask Jackie, scruffy guys are what the chicks want.

PAN TO ERIC

ERIC:

(like he's going to break down) Hyde. I'm trying to put the pieces of my life back together and the image of Han and Leia doing it is burned into my brain. Please don't add the image of you and Jackie doing it.

PAN TO KELSO

KELSO:

Do or do not. There is no try.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 6

INT. DONNA'S BEDROOM, LATE THAT NIGHT. ERIC AND DONNA ARE SLEEPING IN DONNA'S BED. WHILE DONNA IS SLEEPING PEACEFULLY, ERIC IS TOSSING AND TURNING AND HIS HEAD IS TWITCHING BACK AND FORTH AS HE DREAMS, FITFULLY.

FADE INTO ERIC'S DREAM

INT. A STAR WARS-LIKE SET. ERIC IS LUKE, DONNA IS LEIA EXACTLY AS SHE APPEARED IN EPISODE IV, HYDE IS HAN AND KELSO IS CHEWIE. ERIC AND DONNA ARE SEATED ON A BENCH SEAT WHILE HYDE AND KELSO ARE STANDING CLOSE BY. DONNA IS FUSSING OVER ERIC.

DONNA:

Oh, Luke. I was so worried about you out there in the snow.

HYDE:

(gives Donna a cocky grin) What about me? Were you worried you'd never get the chance to make out with me?

DONNA:

(very bitchy, to Hyde) I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.

KELSO:

(takes off his Wookie mask) _Oh yeah_! Bring it on, Leia!

HYDE:

(to Donna) Whatever. You totally want me.

DONNA:

(taunting Hyde) Well, I guess you don't know everything about women.

DONNA GRABS ERIC AND PULLS HIM TO HER, THEN SHE KISSES HIM. AFTER A FEW SECONDS ERIC PULLS AWAY AND POINTS, TRIUMPHANTLY, AT HYDE AND KELSO.

ERIC:

See! I told you! I told all of you Leia wants me.

ERIC GRABS DONNA AND PULLS HER BACK TO HIM FOR ANOTHER KISS. SUDDENLY, FEZ APPEARS OVER ERIC'S SHOULDER. HE IS DRESSED AS YODA, COMPLETE WITH THE GREEN SKIN AND EARS.

FEZ:

(watching Eric and Donna kiss) Sexy.

ERIC IS STARTLED BY FEZ AND HE AND DONNA BREAK APART.

ERIC:

Fez? What the hell, man?

FEZ:

(grinning) Oh I am not Fez. I am Yoda. So carry me around on your back and move things with your mind, dammit.

IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM WE CAN SEE HYDE MAKING OUT WITH A GIRL. HER BACK IS TO THE CAMERA BUT IT APPEARS TO BE PRINCESS LEIA IN HER WHITE SNOWSUIT OUTFIT FROM "EMPIRE". HYDE TURNS PRINCESS LEIA AROUND WHILE STILL KISSING HER AND WE CAN SEE THAT IT'S JACKIE. ERIC GETS UP AND HEADS TOWARD THE COUPLE.

ERIC:

(totally lost) Jackie? Ok, I have to see you and Hyde making out enough in real life, why am I seeing it in my dreams?

JACKIE AND HYDE STOP MAKING OUT AND JACKIE GLARES AT ERIC. SHE LOOKS VERY ANNOYED.

JACKIE:

I'm not Jackie. I'm Princess Leia.

ERIC:

(shaking his head) No you're not, (he points to Donna) she's Princess Leia.

JACKIE:

(looking Donna up and down) She's the old Princess Leia. (gesturing to herself) _I_ am the new and improved Princess Leia, the one who's in love with Han Solo. Oh, _and_ I have more than one outfit.

HYDE GRINS AT ERIC AND PULLS JACKIE BACK TO HIM AND, ONCE AGAIN, THEY BEGIN MAKING OUT. ERIC LOOKS BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN DONNA AND JACKIE, HE IS TOTALLY CONFUSED AS TO WHICH ONE IS THE "REAL" PRINCESS LEIA.

DONNA:

(very melodramatically) Luke, I can't deny it any more. I want Han.

SUDDENLY, DONNA STANDS UP AND QUICKLY CROSSES TO HYDE AND JACKIE WHO ARE STILL MAKING OUT. DONNA SNUGGLES UP TO HYDE.

ERIC:

(heartbroken) But ... but we made out.

DONNA:

(shrugs, coldly) Yeah. Sorry about that. I pretty much only did that to make Han jealous.

HYDE SUDDENLY PICKS JACKIE UP AND WRAPS HER LEGS AROUND HIS WAIST, WITHOUT STOPPING THEIR KISS, HE TURNS THE TWO OF THEM AROUND AND PRESSES JACKIE UP AGAINST THE WALL OF THE SPACESHIP. ERIC WATCHES THE WHOLE SCENE, SADLY, AND DONNA CONTINUES TO GAZE, ADORINGLY, AT HYDE.

ERIC:

(to Jackie and Hyde) Ok, do you guys really have to do that right in front of me? (flatly) Seriously. You're gonna break the hyper-drive.

JACKIE MOMENTARILY PULLS AWAY FROM HYDE AND LOOKS AT ERIC.

JACKIE:

(breathlessly) Sorry, Luke. But he makes me crazy. (she runs a hand over Hyde's beard) He's my scruffy looking nerf-herder.

ERIC:

(sadly, to Jackie) But, I love you.

HYDE:

(irritated) Forman, I realize this is _your_ dream and all, but I'm still gonna have to kick your ass for saying you love my wife.

ERIC:

Leia, wait, you don't want him. He's a scoundrel and dangerous and ...and really, _really_ scruffy.

JACKIE:

(she turns away from Eric and stares, lustfully at Hyde) Oh my God, now I want him even more.

JACKIE AND HYDE BEGIN FRANTICALLY MAKING OUT AGAIN.

ERIC:

(very depressed, he turns away from Jackie and Hyde) I can't deal with this.

BROOKE APPEARS BEHIND ERIC'S SHOULDER. SHE IS DRESSED IN THE BROWN DRESS LEIA WEARS IN CLOUD CITY.

BROOKE:

(sweetly) It's alright Luke, you still have me.

ERIC:

(turns to Brooke in confusion) Who are you?

BROOKE:

I'm Princess Leia.

ERIC:

(hopefully) So, you _do_ love me?

HEARING THIS HYDE STOPS KISSING JACKIE AND GESTURES FOR BROOKE TO COME JOIN THEM.

HYDE:

(to Eric) No. She loves me, too.

BROOKE QUICKLY JOINS DONNA, HYDE AND JACKIE.

BROOKE:

(nodding) He's right, I do.

FEZ WALKS UP BEHIND ERIC. HE IS NO LONGER YODA, NOW HE'S DRESSED LIKE LANDO, COMPLETE WITH THE MOUSTACHE AND CAPE.

FEZ:

(patronizing) Tough luck, Luke.

ERIC:

(turns to Fez and stares at him) I thought you were Yoda?

FEZ:

Well, I was. But now I have to be Lando, because I am the only person of color you know. Except Hyde, of course. (he chuckles) But, he's a little busy with all the Leias.

IN THE BACKGROUND, HYDE STILL HAS JACKIE WRAPPED AROUND HIM AND THEY'RE GOING AT IT WHILE DONNA AND BROOKE STARE AT HYDE AND SNUGGLE AS CLOSE TO HIM AS THEY CAN.

ERIC:

(pouting) This dream sucks.

KITTY WALKS ONTO THE SCENE WEARING A GOLD SEQUINED DRESS AND STANDING NEXT TO AN R-2 WITH A SERVING TRAY HOLDING A MARTINI ON TOP OF IT. SHE STANDS NEXT TO ERIC.

KITTY:

(with condescending sympathy) My poor Master Luke. (she grabs the martini off of R-2 and takes a drink) Maybe you should talk to your father about this.

ERIC:

(quickly and nervously) No! No, that's ok.

DARTH VADER SUDDENLY APPEARS BEHIND KITTY. HE GIVES ONE DARTH VADER BREATH AND THEN TAKES HIS HELMET OFF TO REVEAL IT'S RED.

ERIC:(cont'd)

(sighs at the sight of Red) Crap.

RED:

(to Eric) What's the problem, Jedi dumbass?

ERIC:

(bitterly) I don't really want to talk about it with you, Dad. I'm still kind of upset you chopped my hand off.

RED:

It's not my fault Obi Wan didn't teach you how to use a light saber correctly.

BOB STROLLS UP DRESSED LIKE OBI-WAN KENOBI. HE HAS A GLOWING BLUE LIGHT AROUND HIM.

BOB:

(to Red) I did the best I could. (with a sad pout) And did you really have to kill me, Vader? (gesturing to his blue aura) Now I have to be all glowy.

BOB HEADS OVER TO A DISTRAUGHT LOOKING ERIC AND PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HIM. ERIC IS STILL WATCHING HYDE AND JACKIE MAKE OUT WHILE DONNA AND BROOKE DROOL OVER HYDE.

BOB:(cont'd)

Look, Luke, you've got to forget about Leia and move on. Trust me on this one, buddy.

ERIC:

(sadly) I can't forget her, I love her.

BOB:

(curtly) Well, you shouldn't. Yoda, help me out here.

FEZ, DRESSED LIKE YODA AGAIN, WALKS UP AND STANDS NEXT TO BOB.

FEZ:

(leering at the girls) I can't really blame him. Those Leias are fine pieces of space ass. (to Eric) Hey, Luke, do you think we could do that thing where you do the handstand and I get to sit on your foot?

ERIC:

(angrily, to Hyde) Han, how can you do this to me? Can I at least have one of the Leias?

HAN BREAKS AWAY FROM JACKIE AND LOOKS BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN ALL HIS GIRLS.

HYDE:

(with a wicked smirk) I'll have to discuss it with my committee.

JACKIE:

(huskily) I am not a committee.

THEY GO BACK TO MAKING OUT, FRANTICALLY GRABBING AT EACH OTHER.

ERIC:

(very whiny) Leia, please. I need you. Just give me a chance.

A FOURTH LEIA APPEARS BEHIND ERIC WEARING THE WHITE DRESS FROM THE FINAL SCENE OF THE "ESB". ERIC DOESN'T KNOW IT YET, BUT THE NEWEST PRINCESS LEIA IS LAURIE. COMPLETE WITH A BROWN "LEIA" WIG.

LAURIE:

(with a shrug) Well, ok. But Han's amazing in bed so you better be up to the test.

HEARING HER VOICE ERIC TURNS AROUND TO FACE THE NEW PRINCESS LEIA AND IS HORRIFIED TO REALIZE IT'S LAURIE.

ERIC:

(screams) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

CUT TO INT. DONNA'S BEDROOM, ERIC BOLTING UPRIGHT IN BED STILL SCREAMING "NO". HE LOOKS TOTALLY FREAKED OUT. DONNA IS ALSO AWAKE AND SITTING UP, STARING AT ERIC.

DONNA:

Eric! What the hell?

ERIC:

(looks around and realizes it was just a dream) Oh Donna, thank God. I was having the worst dream.

DONNA:

(angrily) Oh yeah? What was it about?

ERIC:

"Star Wars".

DONNA:

(now pissed-off) Really? 'Cause you said Jackie's name. Actually, you kind of _moaned_ Jackie's name. Why would that be, dink?

ERIC IS MOMENTARILY SILENT, UNSURE OF WHAT TO SAY. DONNA STARES AT HIM, WAITING FOR AN EXPLANATION.

ERIC:

(doing the Jedi mind trick) This is not the dink you're looking for.

DONNA GRABS A PILLOW AND SMACKS ERIC WITH IT, THEN SHE GETS UP AND STORMS OFF INTO HER BATHROOM. ERIC FLOPS BACK ONTO THE BED, HORRIFIED.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY, THE NEXT MORNING. ERIC WALKS UP THE DRIVEWAY LOOKING PANICKED. HE IS TALKING, NERVOUSLY, TO HIMSELF.

ERIC:

(insistently) It was just a dream. A horrible, horrible dream. You do not want Jackie. You do not want Brooke, and you most _definitely_ do not want Laurie. Just forget about it. (nods) That's it. I'm just gonna forget it ever happened.

THE SLIDING DOOR OPENS AND BROOKE, LAURIE, JACKIE AND HYDE WALK OUT. HYDE IS CARRYING JAGGER AND LAYLA AND THE GIRLS ARE ALL WEARING BIKINIS AND CARRYING BEACH BAGS. ERIC STOPS DEAD IN HIS TRACKS WHEN HE SEES THEM.

JACKIE:

Hey, Eric. Steven's taking us all to his dad's pool. You wanna come?

ERIC:

(screams) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

ERIC TURNS AND RUNS AWAY FROM HYDE AND THE GIRLS WHO LOOKS TOTALLY CONFUSED.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT. CRUISE SHIP, A SMALL CHAPEL, THAT NIGHT. RED AND KITTY, VERY DRESSED UP, ARE ARM IN ARM WALKING DOWN THE AISLE. THE SHIP'S CAPTAIN STANDS AT THE END OF THE AISLE.

KITTY:

(with a huge smile) Red, isn't this romantic? A wedding at sea.

RED:

(shrugs) I guess it's better than a burial at sea.

KITTY:

(irritated with Red) Oh you are just impossible.

RED:

(grins at Kitty) I think I'm being extremely pleasant.

KITTY:

Think of this as a warm-up for Eric's wedding.

RED:

Except at Eric's wedding you'll be crying and ranting and raving about a red-headed harlot stealing your precious baby boy.

KITTY:

(very matter-of-fact) Well then, I guess this wedding will be more enjoyable, won't it.

KITTY GRINS AT RED AND GIVES HIM A KISS ON THE CHEEK AS THEY PART AND HEAD TO THEIR OWN SIDES OF THE ALTAR.

CUT TO JOANNE AND BOB AS THEY HEAD DOWN THE AISLE BEHIND RED AND KITTY.

BOB:

Jojo, I've got a surprise for you.

BOB POINTS TO THE ALTAR WHERE A MUSICIAN HOLDING A BANJO APPEARS. HE BEGINS TO PLAY, _"THE WEDDING MARCH"_

JOANNE:

(touched) It's beautiful, Bob.

BOB:

(grinning form ear-to-ear) You can't hear a banjo and not smile.

BOB AND JOANNE REACH THE END OF THE AISLE AND STAND IN BETWEEN RED AND KITTY. KITTY LOOKS AT BOB AND JOANNE AND SHE STARTS TO CRY. RED JUST SHAKES HIS HEAD.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, THAT NIGHT. HYDE IS ON HIS CHAIR WITH JAGGER ON HIS LAP. JACKIE IS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE COUCH AND LAYLA IS LAYING NEXT TO HER. JACKIE IS TICKLING LAYLA AND LAUGHING AT HER. ERIC IS SITTING NEXT TO JACKIE ON THE COUCH. HE IS SMOOSHED UP AGAINST THE ARM, TRYING TO BE AS FAR AWAY FROM JACKIE AS HE CAN. KELSO IS SITTING IN THE LAWN CHAIR AND FEZ IS AT THE DEEP FREEZE GETTING SOME POPSICLES.

ERIC:

(nervously) God, Jackie, do you have to sit so close to me? There's a whole huge couch and you're practically sitting on top of me. Go sit on Hyde's lap ... or, anywhere but next to me.

JACKIE:

(gives Eric an evil smile and then turns to Hyde) I bet Leia sits on Han's lap while he drives the Millennium Falcon.

HYDE:

(with a wicked smirk) I bet sometimes they kick Chewie out of the cockpit, lock the door and head into light-speed if you know what I mean.

ERIC:

(points at Hyde and yells) You shut up about that!

HYDE:

(sighs in annoyance) Forman. I realize that you're still dealing with the whole Luke is Darth Vader's kid and Leia and Han are doing it from this galaxy to the next, but what the hell is up with you lately?

ERIC:

(guiltily) I had a weird dream.

KELSO:

(smiling) Was it a sex dream? 'Cause if it was, let's hear about it.

ERIC:

(starting to look a little panicked) It wasn't a sex dream.

FEZ CROSSES TO THE COUCH AND SITS ON THE ARM NEAR KELSO.

FEZ:

Oh, Eric. Sex dreams are nothing to be ashamed of. They are like really, really good bedtime stories.

ERIC:

(sadly) Yeah. Not this one.

HYDE:

(tormenting Eric) What happened? Did Donna finally realize it's as big as it's gonna get?

FEZ:

Oh I can see it now,

FEZ TURNS TO KELSO AND ACTS OUT A SCENE BETWEEN "DONNA" AND "ERIC"

FEZ:(cont'd)

(doing his "Eric") "That's right, Donna, my love. It is I, your love machine."

KELSO:

(doing his "Donna" he points at Fez's pants) "Is that it? Wow. That's extremely disappointing."

HYDE:

(grins and nods at Kelso and Fez's performance) Yeah. That's good stuff.

DONNA ENTERS THROUGH THE BASEMENT DOOR AND ERIC IMMEDIATELY LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE. DONNA LOOKS VERY PISSED-OFF.

HYDE:(cont'd)

Hey, Donna, you'll be happy to know your creepy fiancé is about to share his twisted dreams with us.

DONNA:

(angrily) Really? Did he tell you who the other person in his dream was?

ERIC:

(nervously) Oh no. This is about to get very unpleasant.

DONNA:

(she points at Jackie) It was Jackie!

EVERYONE IMMEDIATELY STARES AT ERIC. FEZ AND KELSO LOOK AMUSED, JACKIE LOOKS HORRIFIED AND HYDE LOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO FLIP.

HYDE:

(furiously glares at Eric) You had a sex dream about Jackie?

HE GETS OUT OF HIS CHAIR AND SETS JAGGER DOWN IN JACKIE'S LAP

HYDE:(cont'd)

You're dead, man.

HYDE TAKES OFF TOWARDS ERIC.

ERIC:

(running from Hyde) Don't give in to hate! That leads to the dark side!

ERIC TAKES OFF UP THE STAIRS WITH HYDE CLOSE BEHIND HIM.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. MOVIE THEATER, A SHORT WHILE LATER. THE LIGHTS COME UP IN THE THEATER AND ERIC, MITCH AND FENTON ARE SITTING TOGETHER. THE END MUSIC FOR "ESB" CAN BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND. ERIC SHAKES HIS HEAD, SADLY, AS HE STARES AT THE SCREEN.

ERIC:

(contemplating) Huh. I thought it might be easier to watch the second time around. (a beat) Yeah. It's not.

MITCH:

(with a shrug) You know, maybe Han's not such a bad guy. I mean, he did cut open his tauntaun and stick Luke inside there to keep him warm.

ERIC:

(reluctantly) I guess that was pretty nice.

FENTON:

(with a smile) Boy that Mark Hamill sure can run, can't he.

FENTON STARTS TO DRIFT OFF INTO HIS OWN LITTLE WORLD AND ERIC STARES AT HIM MITCH STARTS TO LOOK A LITTLE NERVOUS AT ERIC'S REACTION.

MITCH:

(quickly) So. Where's everybody else?

ERIC:

(very matter-of-fact) They're a little upset because I had a dream about all of their wives.

FENTON:

(rolling his eyes) Sheesh. Men.

ERIC:

Hey, what do you think it meant when Yoda said, "No, there is another."

MITCH:

(pauses for a minute thinking, then shrugs) Maybe Han is a jedi.

ERIC:

(bitterly) Doesn't he have enough already?

ERIC SITS, MOPING, AS HE STARES AT THE SCREEN.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 5

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S LIVING ROOM, LATE THAT NIGHT. HYDE IS SITTING IN HIS EASY CHAIR WITH JACKIE ON HIS LAP. FEZ AND KELSO ARE SITTING ON THE FLOOR NEAR THE COFFEE TABLE PLAYING CARDS. DONNA, BROOKE AND LAURIE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH. THEY ARE ALL WATCHING TV. ERIC WALKS IN THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND THEY ALL INSTANTLY TURN AND STARE AT HIM. ERIC LOOKS HORRIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE.

ERIC:

(with a nervous wave) Hey.

THE GANG IGNORES ERIC AND GOES BACK TO THE TV. ERIC ENTERS THE LIVING ROOM AND SITS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH TRYING TO ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG.

ERIC:(cont'd)

(awkwardly) Wow. This is really, really uncomfortable. I mean, I knew it would be, but this is way above and beyond the level of uncomfortablilty that I was expecting. So ... yay for that.

JACKIE:

Eric, when you get all twitchy it makes Steven even more angry and it took me a long time to get him calmed down so, knock it off.

DONNA:

(sarcastically) Careful, Jackie, don't get too detailed. We don't want Eric getting all worked up.

JACKIE:

(with a sigh) Eric, don't be to hard on yourself. I'm gorgeous. You would have to be blind to not have a dream about me.

ERIC:

Ok, look there was nothing dirty going on in my dream, alright. I was Luke and Donna was Leia and then Hyde was there and he was Han and then Jackie turned into Leia and she wanted Hyde ...

JACKIE:

(she smiles at Hyde) That's not a dream, that's real life.

HYDE:

(with a nod) That's right, baby.

HYDE AND JACKIE START KISSING. ERIC STANDS UP AND POINTS, SPASTICALLY, AT THEM.

ERIC:

See! That's what you were doing in my dream.

REALIZING WHAT HE JUST SAID, ERIC HANGS HIS HEAD. AND, ONCE AGAIN, EVERYONE TURNS TO STARE AT ERIC. HYDE LOOKS EXTREMELY PISSED.

DONNA:

(looking completely disgusted) Oh my God, you had a sex dream about Jackie and _Hyde_.

ERIC:

(quickly trying to explain) No ... it's just ... oh God someone please stop Hyde from killing me. Look, Brooke was there, too.

DONNA:

(yells) _Brooke_ was in your dream?

ERIC:

(smiles sadly) See, I thought that would make it better. But it doesn't, does it.

HYDE LIFTS JACKIE OUT OF HIS LAP AND KELSO AND HYDE BOTH STAND UP AND HEAD TOWARDS ERIC. ERIC STARTS BACKING AWAY FROM THEM. FEZ AND LAURIE LOOK VERY ENTERTAINED BY THE WHOLE SCENE.

KELSO:

Hyde, you hold him, I'll punch him.

FEZ:

(claps his hands, gleefully) This is fabulous. It is better than "Knot's Landing".

HYDE:

(glares at Fez) Quit laughin'.

FEZ:

(with attitude, to Hyde) Oh I will laugh like a little school girl because I am enjoying this. For once, the joke is not on Fez. Because I know _my wife_ was not in his freaky little dream.

ERIC SLOWLY DROPS HIS HEAD INTO HIS HANDS AND FEZ JUMPS UP, HORRIFIED.

FEZ:

(yells) Oh my God, my wife was in your freaky little dream?

LAURIE:

(to Eric) What is the _matter_ with you?

ERIC:

(stammering) Ok, it's not as bad as it sounds.

HYDE:

(yells at Eric) Of course not, because what sounds worse than having a sex dream about your sister?

ERIC:

(points at Hyde) This is all your fault, Hyde! You just had to go and steal all the Leias, you couldn't let me have even one! Not one!

HYDE:

(confused) Wait a minute, so I was with Jackie, Donna, Brooke and Laurie? (nods proudly) Man, my sex life is better than everybody else's even in _other_ people's dreams.

KELSO:

(with a pout) Excuse me! Where was I while Hyde was doing all this making out?

ERIC:

You were Chewie.

KELSO:

(yelps) _UH_! I wanna be Yoda.

ERIC:

Fez was Yoda. (a beat) And Lando Calrissian.

FEZ:

(bitterly) Oh sure, make the foreign guy the green Muppet and the back stabbing black man. Why could I not be Han Solo?

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes at Fez) Oh please. (she takes Hyde's arm) Steven is Han Solo.

DONNA:

(stands up and faces off against Jackie) Eric could be Han Solo.

JACKIE:

(snotty) Eric doesn't even get the girl in his own dreams. He _is not_ Han Solo.

BROOKE:

(shrugs) Well I think any one of the guys could be Han Solo.

LAURIE:

(very bitchy) Not Eric. There's no way Han Solo has perverted dreams about his sister.

KELSO:

Ok. (with a huge pout) If I can't be Han I wanna be Yoda.

FEZ:

(to Kelso) No way, I am Yoda. Because he is one powerful little bastard.

EVERYONE SEEMS TO BE FACING OFF AGAINST SOMEONE ELSE AND ERIC WATCHES, HAPPILY.

ERIC:

We're arguing about "Star Wars". This is the happiest moment if my life.

HYDE:

(scowls at Eric) Uh-oh. Forman's happy. Nobody let him go to sleep or he'll be molesting all of us in his dreams.

ERIC NODS SARCASTICALLY AT HYDE'S COMMENT AND EVERYONE GETS A GOOD LAUGH AT ERIC'S EXPENSE.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 6

INT. CRUISE SHIP DINING ROOM, THE SAME TIME. RED, KITTY, JOANNE AND BOB ARE GATHERED AROUND A TABLE HAVING A COCKTAIL. KITTY HOLDS UP HER TROPICAL LOOKING DRINK TO TOAST JOANNE AND BOB.

KITTY:

Well, I would like to propose a toast to the newlyweds, (she pauses) may you always have love, laughter and Pina Coladas. (she smiles) And not necessarily in that order.

BOB:

(getting a little weepy) That was beautiful, Kitty. You have such a way with words.

KITTY:

(happily) It's the coladas, they make me a poet.

RED:

(with a teasing smile, to Joanne) So, what's it like being married to Bob?

JOANNE:

(smirking at Red) I bet it's easier than being married to you.

KITTY:

Oh Red's not so hard to live with. The key is not to talk to him too much.

BOB:

And to always have a beer close by.

RED:

(nods at Bob) You know me well, Bob.

JOANNE:

(smiles at Bob) I think my husband and I are going to dance.

JOANNE STANDS UP AND TAKES BOB'S HAND.

KITTY:

(a little tipsy sounding) Ooh, that sounds fun. I think your husband and I are going to dance too. I mean ... my husband and your husband are going to dance. (she laughs, loudly) I mean, oh just stand up, Red, you know what I mean.

RED:

(teasing) I always do, sweetheart.

RED STANDS UP AND TAKES KITTY'S HAND, PULLING HER UP AS WELL.

KITTY:

(very sweetly) And that's why I love you.

KITTY GIVES RED A KISS.

BOB:

(chuckling) It's certainly not for his warm personality.

RED:

(gives Bob a very sarcastic grin) Bob, have you ever heard the expression, "man overboard"?

BOB LOOKS A LITTLE SCARED AND THEN RED PATS BOB ON THE BACK PROMPTING A GOOFY GRIN FROM BOB. THE TWO COUPLES HEAD TOWARDS THE DANCE FLOOR.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 7

INT. THE HYDE'S KITCHEN, THE NEXT DAY. DONNA, ERIC AND HYDE ARE SEATED AT THE TABLE HAVING BREAKFAST. JAGGER AND LAYLA ARE SITTING CLOSE TO HYDE IN HIGH CHAIRS AND HYDE IS FEEDING LAYLA SOME BABY FOOD. JACKIE IS SETTING MORE FOOD OUT ON THE TABLE FOR EVERYONE.

HYDE:

(with a teasing smirk) So, Jackie.

JACKIE:

(playing along) Yes, Steven?

HYDE:

How many times do you think Han and Leia have done it?

JACKIE:

(smiling at Eric) _Hundreds_. And once he's un-frozen, they're gonna do it even more.

ERIC:

(to Jackie and Hyde) You two suck.

HYDE:

(grinning at the twins) Hey guys, your mom is the hottest chick in any galaxy.

JACKIE:

(stops what she's doing and stares, lustfully, at Hyde) God, I love you.

HYDE:

I know.

JACKIE SITS DOWN IN HYDE'S LAP AND THEY START KISSING.

ERIC:

(flatly) Wow. She didn't even kick him. How great for you, Hyde.

DONNA:

Uh-oh, Eric. Jackie and Hyde are kissing. Maybe you should leave the room.

HYDE AND JACKIE BREAK APART AND SNICKER AT DONNA'S COMMENT, ERIC STARTS TO LOSE IT.

ERIC:

(pointing at Donna) You guys just wait. When the next movie comes out you'll all see that Leia ends up with Luke. And _then_ who'll be laughing, huh?

CUT TO BLACK SCREEN THAT READS "MAY 25, 1983"

FADE INTO INT. MOVIE THEATER. BROOKE, KELSO, FEZ LAURIE, DONNA, ERIC, HYDE AND JACKIE ARE SITTING IN A MOVIE THEATER AS THE LIGHTS COME UP. THE END MUSIC FOR "RETURN OF THE JEDI" CAN BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND. ERIC LOOKS TRAUMATIZED. EVERYONE ELSE IS EITHER TOTALLY STUNNED OR VERY AMUSED.

DONNA:

(laughing her ass off) Oh my God. (she's laughing so hard, she can hardly get her words out) Luke and Leia are twins.

FEZ:

(with a shrug, trying to make Eric feel better) Maybe Jagger and Layla are Jedis too.

HYDE:

That was the sweetest burn on Forman, ever. George Lucas is my new hero.

JACKIE:

Princess Leia definitely had her best outfits in this movie. _And_, she got to make out with Han some more. (she sighs, dreamily) It would be so amazing to be a princess.

DONNA:

(trying to stop laughing as she stares at Eric) Eric, are you alright? 'Cause you look like you might throw up.

ERIC:

(mortified) They can't be twins. They made out in "The Empire Strikes Back".

HYDE:

(giving Eric a taunting smirk) Yeah. And you liked it.

ERIC:

I feel so dirty. I need to go take, like, 100 scalding hot showers.

LAURIE:

(with an evil smile) Wow. Brother and sister. (with phony niceness, to Eric) Just like you and me, Eric. I guess this must remind you of that dream you had, huh.

ERIC:

(closing his eyes) Oh sweet Lord, make it stop.

HYDE:

(with a huge grin) This is gonna be a life-long burn.

FEZ:

(nods and smiles) Yes. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away lived a dirty little boy named Eric ...

JACKIE:

(interrupts Fez with a smile) Who liked watching a brother and sister get it on ...

HYDE:

(nodding, proudly, at Jackie) That's what I'm talkin' about. A life long burn, man.

ERIC:

(melodramatically) There's only one thing that will make me feel better. Donna, we're getting you one of those metal bikinis.

KELSO:

(excitedly) How cute were those Ewoks! Hey, let's dress up Fez like an Ewok!

FEZ GLARES AT KELSO AS ERIC CONTINUES TO LOOK LIKE HE'S GOING TO CRY.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

INT. PINCIOTTI KITCHEN A FEW DAYS LATER. ERIC AND DONNA RE SITTING IN THE KITCHEN HAVING LUNCH WHEN JOANNE AND BOB ENTER CARRYING THEIR LUGGAGE. THEY BOTH HAVE HUGE SMILES ON THEIR FACES.

DONNA:

Hey guys, how was your trip?

BOB AND JOANNE SET DOWN THEIR LUGGAGE AND HEAD TOWARDS THE TABLE. BOB PUTS HIS ARM AROUND JOANNE.

BOB:

(quickly) It was great. Got a little sun, ate lots of food, Joanne and I got married.

DONNA:

(completely shocked) _What?_

ERIC:

(points at Donna and yells) Now you know how I felt when Leia chose Han.

BOB AND JOANNE SMILE, HOPEFULLY, AT DONNA WHO CONTINUES TO LOOK TOTALLY STUNNED.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"Mother"

When Pam returns Jackie's thrilled, but it quickly becomes apparent to Hyde that Jackie's mom is up to no good; and Donna tries to adjust to having a step-mom.


	37. Mother

"Mother"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Barbra Streisand.

I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disastrous way the show ended. This is episode 9-6.

Thanks so much for reviewing!!! It really means a lot to me. So sorry about the delay, I've had relatives and holiday parties coming out of my ears this week :)

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. PINCIOTTI KITCHEN, MORNING. JOANNE AND BOB ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE EATING BREAKFAST WHEN DONNA COMES IN. SHE LOOKS A LITTLE CRANKY.

DONNA:

(flatly) Morning.

JOANNE:

(with a smile, to Donna) Good morning. I've got some waffles going for you.

DONNA:

No thanks, I'll just have some coffee.

DONNA HEADS OVER TO THE COUNTER IGNORING BOB AND JOANNE.

BOB:

They're really good. (he smiles proudly at Joanne) Joanne even added a little whipped cream face on them.

JOANNE;

(shrugging) I learned that trick from Kitty.

DONNA:

(turns and gives Joanne and Bob a sarcastic smile) Great. (she drops the smile and goes back to getting some coffee)

JOANNE:

(to Donna) I thought maybe you and I could do the seating chart for the reception today.

DONNA:

(a little rudely) That's ok, I can do it myself.

JOANNE:

I know, but I'd like to help.

DONNA:

(a little louder) I'll take care of it.

BOB:

(with a hopeful grin) Maybe you could help Jojo pick out her dress for the wedding, Donna. She's gotta look foxy since she'll be sitting next to me up front.

DONNA ABANDONS HER COFFEE AND HEADS OVER TO THE TABLE, NOW SHE LOOKS REALLY CRANKY.

DONNA:

(to Bob) What? I thought Mom would be sitting next to you.

BOB:

Your mom is gonna sit with the Formans, sweetie. It's pretty hard for your mom and I to sit together, (sadly) what with her always yelling at me and poking me.

JOANNE:

No, Bob. Donna's right, you and Midge should sit together, I'll sit with the Formans.

BOB:

(firmly, to Joanne) No you won't. You're my wife and I want you sitting with me.

DONNA:

(with a whine) Don't you even care what _I_ think?

BOB:

Most of the time I do, (he shakes his head) but this ain't one of those times.

JOANNE:

(looking back and forth between Bob and Donna) I don't want to cause any problems.

DONNA:

(to Joanne) It's too late for that.

DONNA STOMPS OFF AND HEADS OUTSIDE, SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HER.

BOB:

(starting to sniffle) Aw geez. She sure can slam a door. She learned that from her mother.

JOANNE:

(with a sigh) Bob, stop crying. Have some waffles.

JOANNE HOLDS UP A PLATE OF WAFFLES FROM THE TABLE. BOB TAKES ONE AND GIVES HER A WEAK SMILE.

BOB:

Thanks Jojo. Waffles make me smile.

JOANNE:

(with a teasing grin) Bob, _cornflakes_ make you smile.

BOB JUST SMILES AND NODS IN AGREEMENT.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. THE HYDE'S KITCHEN, THE SAME TIME. THE TWINS ARE SITTING IN THEIR HIGH CHAIRS AND HYDE IS SITTING AT THE TABLE FEEDING THEM. JACKIE IS AT THE STOVE, COOKING BREAKFAST.

HYDE:

(to Jackie) I can't make them eat this crap. Have you tasted this stuff?

JACKIE:

It's supposed to be good for them.

HYDE:

(with a scowl) Yeah, well, so is exercising. But we don't do that either.

THE DOORBELL RINGS. JACKIE AND HYDE BOTH TURN TOWARDS THE SOUND.

JACKIE:

Who's that?

HYDE:

(turning back to the babies) It's probably Kelso. He can smell bacon cooking from 100 yards away.

JACKIE:

(putting her cooking aside) I'll be right back.

JACKIE EXITS INTO THE LIVING ROOM

HYDE:

(to the twins) I know you guys want me to just dump this stuff down the drain, but I'm pretty sure your mom will kick me if I do that. (getting a little worked-up) I don't like getting kicked.

JACKIE POPS HER BODY HALF-WAY THROUGH THE DOOR AND SMILES, EXCITEDLY, AT HYDE.

JACKIE:

Oh my God, you're never gonna believe who's here.

HYDE:

If it's the cops I hope you gave me an alibi.

JACKIE HOLDS THE KITCHEN DOOR ALL THE WAY OPEN TO REVEAL PAM IS STANDING BESIDE HER.

PAM:

(striking a pose) Surprise!

HYDE:

(looking not too thrilled) Huh. I almost wish it was the cops.

JACKIE CROSSES TOWARDS HYDE WITH PAM FOLLOWING HER.

JACKIE:

My mom came home from Mexico to see the babies.

HYDE:

(with a very sarcastic smile) Gee. That's so nice of her. Considering they were born six months ago.

PAM:

Well, I wanted to wait until it warmed up here. (with a fake laugh) The cold weather just sucks the tan right off of me. Now, where are Lila and Jackson?

HYDE:

I'm not real sure who the hell Lila and Jackson are, (he indicates the twins) but _Layla_ and _Jagger_ are the two real short people covered in rice cereal.

PAM STEPS AROUND JACKIE AND BENDS DOWN TO LOOK AT THE TWINS.

PAM:

(she gasps and puts her hand on her chest) Oh they are so beautiful. (with an uncomfortable laugh) Thank God. I was worried I was going to have to pretend they were cute. There's nothing worse than an ugly baby.

HYDE STARES AT PAM IN IRRITATION AND JACKIE STARTS CLEANING UP THE TWINS.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, LATER THAT MORNING. RED IS AT THE TABLE READING THE PAPER WITH ERIC AND DONNA SITTING NEXT TO HIM. KITTY IS AT THE COUNTER PUTTING AWAY SOME DISHES.

DONNA:

(angrily, to Eric) And then my dad just totally took her side, he didn't even care about my feelings.

ERIC:

(nods, in confusion) Uh-huh. And tell me again why Joanne can't sit with your dad? Is there some sort of step-mother of the bride etiquette I'm not aware of?

DONNA:

(curtly) I don't need another mom. I've already got a mom.

KITTY:

(to Donna with a smile) What's wrong with having more than one mom?

ERIC:

She's got a good point. Hyde's got two dads. (pauses, thinking before adding) Well, technically, I guess he's got two and a half if you wanna count Bud.

DONNA:

(annoyed) Eric, _hello_? Try to stay on the subject.

ERIC:

Donna, I don't get this. You loved Joanne when she was just your dad's girlfriend.

DONNA:

That was different.

ERIC:

Why?

DONNA:

(defensively) It just was, ok? (she points at Eric) And you're supposed to take my side, no matter what.

KITTY:

(with a nod) She's got you there, sweetie.

ERIC:

What? Dad, that's not true, right?

RED:

(not looking away from his paper) Nope. It's true. It's in the bible. Right next to: love, honor and obey.

DONNA:

(throws her hands up in exasperation) Just forget it.

DONNA STORMS OFF THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR. RED FINALLY LOOKS UP FROM HIS PAPER AND TURNS TO KITTY.

RED:

(to Kitty) I don't remember agreeing to let Midge sit with us. Wedding ceremonies use a lot of big words, and I don't want to have to explain them all to her.

ERIC LOOKS LIKE HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT JUST HAPPENED AND KITTY JUST SHAKES HER HEAD, IGNORING RED'S COMMENT.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY, THE NEXT DAY. KELSO AND FEZ ARE PLAYING BASKETBALL AND HYDE AND ERIC ARE LEANING AGAINST THE CRUISER, WHICH IS PARTIALLY PULLED INTO THE GARAGE.

ERIC:

(to Hyde) How's it goin' with the mother-in-law?

FEZ AND KELSO STOP THEIR GAME AND HEAD OVER TO LISTEN TO HYDE'S RESPONSE.

FEZ:

(with a perverted smile) Yes. Has she sunbathed nude in your backyard yet?

HYDE:

(starting to get pissed) That chick has some nerve, man. She doesn't come see Jackie in the hospital, she doesn't come to the twins' baptism, and now she drags her tequila soaked ass back up here and expects Jackie to be grateful? (incredulously) Man, I never thought I'd say this, but I don't care how hot she is, I don't like her.

KELSO:

(with a dopey grin) You don't have to _like_ her, just _look_ at her.

ERIC:

The mother-in-law. (he nods, slowly) A total drag, man. Oh, except mine. (he gets a very weird, far-away look on his face) Ah ... Midge. (realizing the other guys are staring at him, he quickly adds) Oh, and Joanne's pretty cool, too.

FEZ:

I think Miss Kitty is a wonderful mother-in-law. (with a big, creepy smile) I hope Laurie looks that good in twenty years, you know what I mean? (he elbows Eric in the side)

ERIC:

(horrified) Oh sweet Lord, I have to go wash my eyes out with soap.

HYDE GRABS THE BASKETBALL FROM KELSO AND STARTS DRIBBLING. WALKING TOWARDS THE NET.

HYDE:

Whatever, man, I'll be glad when Pam leaves. She's drinking all my booze.

FEZ:

(trying to be helpful) Hyde, you need to give Pam a chance. Maybe she wants to build a loving and lasting relationship with her daughter.

HYDE STOPS DRIBBLING AND TURNS TOWARDS FEZ.

HYDE:

(dripping with sarcasm) Yeah, and maybe, someday, I'll put on tights and dance with Baryshnikov in "The Nutcracker."

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY IN FEZ'S FACE AND TURNS BACK TO THE BASKETBALL NET.

FEZ:

(rolling his eyes) Oh please, if anyone is going to dance with Baryshnikov, it's going to be me.

KELSO CROSSES TO HYDE.

KELSO:

(to Hyde) Back to the sunbathing in the nude thing. If she does that, will you call me?

KELSO LOOKS EXCITED AT THE THOUGHT AND HYDE JUST STARES AT HIM, LOOKING LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO PUNCH KELSO.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. THE HYDE'S LIVING ROOM, THAT NIGHT. HYDE IS SITTING IN HIS RECLINER WITH JAGGER ON HIS LAP. HE IS IGNORING PAM AND FLIPPING THROUGH THE CHANNELS ON THE TV. JACKIE AND PAM ARE ON THE COUCH. PAM IS VERY AWKWARDLY HOLDING LAYLA. THERE IS A LARGE MARGARITA SITTING ON THE TABLE IN FRONT OF PAM. JACKIE SEEMS TO BE UNAWARE OF HYDE'S DISAPPROVAL OF HER MOTHER.

PAM:

(fussing over a bow in Layla's hair) Jackie, I hope you're using good conditioner on their hair. Otherwise they are just split ends waiting to happen.

HYDE:

(sarcastically) Yeah, that's what we're worried about, their 'fros. Forget about that stupid stuff like their health and happiness.

LAYLA IS GETTING FUSSY AND PAM IMMEDIATELY STARTS TO LOOK ANNOYED.

PAM:

(gives Jackie a phony smile) Uh-oh, this one's crying.

HYDE:

(he turns to look at Pam) They do that.

PAM:

I'm not very good with babies. I'm better when they get bigger and I can just buy them things instead of spending time with them. They are going to love me when they're teenagers.

JACKIE:

I'll take her. (sweetly, to Layla) Come see Mommy, Layla Beth.

JACKIE TAKES LAYLA FROM PAM AND STARTS RUBBING THE BABY'S BACK. LAYLA IMMEDIATELY SETTLES DOWN.

PAM:

(to Jackie)You know, sweetie, you could hire someone to take care of them.

JACKIE:

(shaking her head) I don't want to do that.

PAM:

Oh ... I forgot, (she turns to Hyde and smiles) you probably don't make enough money for that, do you, Steven.

HYDE:

(clenches his jaw and then goes Zen) Jackie, if you need me I'll be over at Forman's. Punching stuff.

HYDE, HOLDING JAGGER, GETS UP AND HEADS INTO THE KITCHEN. JACKIE WATCHES HIM GO AND THEN GIVES PAM A NERVOUS SMILE

JACKIE:

(quickly) So, Mom, how long are you staying?

PAM:

Well, it turns out, I might be back for good.

JACKIE:

(looks a little taken-aback) Wait, are you serious?

PAM:

(with a nod) Absolutely. I mean, Point Place is no Paris, but at least people speak English here. (she frowns) Well ... except for that one friend of yours.

JACKIE:

(nodding) Yeah, a lot of the time we just nod and pretend we understand what he's saying.

PAM:

You know, if I'm going to be staying in Point Place I'm going to need to repair the damage your father did to our social standing. (very melodramatically) Nobody wants to have a criminal's wife over for tea. (reaching forward to grab her drink, she smiles) I guess it's a good thing I drink margaritas.

JACKIE:

(gasps in excitement) Oh my God, I've got the best idea. This weekend is the LOPPs Summer Kick-Off Luau. We could go to it as a family.

PAM:

That's perfect. No one can resist me in a bikini.

JACKIE:

And you and I could sign-up to be on the decorating committee. That way we can spend some time together.

PAM:

I'd love to. Oh. (condescendingly) I'm probably not actually going to do any actual work.

JACKIE JUST SMILES AND SHRUGS WHILE PAM GOES BACK TO DRINKING HER MARGARITA.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 6

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, THE SAME TIME. RED AND ERIC ARE SITTING DOWN AT THE TABLE. THERE IS FOOD EVERYWHERE AND KITTY IS SETTING OUT EVEN MORE. RED LOOKS A LITTLE CONFUSED.

RED:

(to Kitty) Why did you make so much food?

KITTY:

(guiltily) Because I love you so much?

RED:

(in an accusatory tone) Kitty ...

KITTY:

(with a sigh) Oh, fine. I invited the Pinciottis over for dinner.

RED AND ERIC BOTH STAND UP AND START TO LEAVE THE TABLE.

RED:

I'm not hungry.

ERIC:

Yeah, I'm gonna go eat at Hyde's.

KITTY:

(points at Red and Eric) Both of you, sit your bottoms back down! Now, Donna is having some problems adjusting to Bob and Joanne's marriage. What kind of friends would we be if we didn't help them?

RED:

The kind of friends who like to enjoy their dinner without a food fight breaking out.

BOB, JOANNE AND DONNA ENTER. DONNA STARES AT ERIC LIKE SHE WANTS TO HIT HIM. JOANNE IS HOLDING A DISH OF FOOD.

BOB:

(with a big smile) Evening, neighbors.

JOANNE:

(holding out her dish) We brought Jell-O.

ERIC:

(under his breath) I hope it has vodka in it.

BOB AND JOANNE STAND VERY AWKWARDLY, WAITING FOR DONNA TO SAY SOMETHING. DONNA CROSSES HER ARMS OVER HER CHEST IN DEFIANCE. EVERYONE WAITS IN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE UNTIL KITTY LAUGHS, NERVOUSLY.

KITTY:

Isn't this nice? Eating dinner as one big, happy family. (she pauses and smiles, sadly) One big, uncomfortably quiet, happy family.

BOB AND JOANNE SMILE WEAKLY AS KITTY TAKES JOANNE'S JELL-O.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 6

INT. POINT PLACE COUNTRY CLUB, THE NEXT AFTERNOON. THE BALLROOM IS BEING TRANSFORMED INTO A POLYNESIAN LUAU. THERE ARE WOMEN WORKING EVERYWHERE. IN ONE CORNER OF THE ROOM JACKIE HAS A BLANKET SPREAD OUT AND THE TWINS ARE SITTING ON IT, PLAYING WITH SOME TOYS. JACKIE IS PUTTING OUT SOME DECORATIONS WHILE PAM SITS NEARBY, HAVING A COCKTAIL AND WATCHING JACKIE WORK. IN ANOTHER AREA OF THE ROOM, KITTY AND JOANNE ARE ALSO DECORATING. BROOKE AND LAURIE ENTER THE BALLROOM, AND AS SOON AS KITTY SEES THEM SHE RUNS OVER TO GREET THEM.

KITTY:

(clapping, excitedly) You came, you came! (she points to a clip board sitting on a table) Make sure you sign in. (with a smile) Volunteers get free drinks at the Luau. (she crosses to Laurie and starts fussing over her) Oh, Laurie, you're like a brand new daughter since you and Fez fell in love. It's like I traded in a Yugo and got a Cadillac.

LAURIE HEADS OVER TO SIG-IN WHILE JOANNE APPROACHES BROOKE.

JOANNE:

(hopefully) Is Donna coming?

BROOKE:

(smiles, apologetically) Um, she couldn't make it.

JOANNE:

(disappointed) Oh. (smiles, weakly) Well that's ok. I'm sure she has a lot going on right now.

JOANNE HEADS BACK TO HER DECORATING AND BROOKE JOINS LAURIE AT THE SIGN-IN TABLE. SHE STARES AT WHAT LAURIE HAS JUST WRITTEN.

BROOKE:

Laurie, is that your last name?

LAURIE:

(looking at the paper she has just signed she nods) Uh-huh. (with a spacey look) But I'm not sure I spelled it right.

CUT TO PAM AND JACKIE AND THE TWINS. JACKIE STOPS HER DECORATING AND BENDS DOWN TO PICK UP JAGGER, WHO HAS GOTTEN A LITTLE FUSSY.

PAM:

(looking around the room) Oh, it feels so good to be back in a country club again. You know there's just something about a place that only lets rich people in. It just feels right.

PATTY RYALS WALKS UP HOLDING A BOX OF DECORATIONS. SHE STOPS WHEN SHE NOTICES PAM AND JACKIE.

PATTY:

Pamela Burkhart, is that you?

PAM:

(smiling) Yes. It's me, and yes, I have gotten prettier.

PATTY CROSSES TO JACKIE AND JAGGER.

PATTY:

Hello, Jackie. Are these your darling babies? (she starts to pinch Jagger's cheek) They are just - (suddenly, she stops fussing over the baby to stare at Jackie's hand wrapped around Jagger) oh my God, look at that ring. It's even more beautiful than those babies. (she turns to Pam) Pam, you must be so proud of Jackie finding such a rich husband.

PAM:

(nodding) Of course I am. A daughter is a reflection of the mother. And Jackie and I have _stunning_ reflections.

JACKIE:

(with a big smile and a nod) It's true.

PATTY:

Pamela, you picked the perfect time to come back. The LOPPS are looking for a new president and I might be able to put in a good word for you.

PAM:

(with a gasp) Oh that would be perfect for me.

PATTY:

(with a bitchy smile) Maggie Parker wants the job. (she leans in to Pam and speaks, quietly) But, I think we both know _that's_ not going to happen.

PAM NODS IN UNDERSTANDING AND JACKIE LOOKS A LITTLE CONFUSED

PATTY:(cont'd)

Well, I have to run. Lovely to see you both.

PATTY HEADS OFF AND PAM STANDS UP AND HEADS OVER TO JACKIE.

PAM:

President of the LOPPs would be perfect for me. I mean, everyone already stares at me anyway. I might as well be talking while they do it.

JACKIE:

I don't know, Mom, Maggie Parker might be hard to beat. She's really nice. (with a shrug) Some people seem to like that.

PAM:

(snidely) Jackie, she could be the nicest person in the world, she's still not going to be the president of the LOPPs.

JACKIE:

Why not?

PAM:

(with a strained smile) Sweetheart, (she looks around to make sure no one is listening and then whispers to Jackie) she's black.

JACKIE LOOKS MOMENTARILY STUNNED BY PAM'S STATEMENT AND PAM GIVES JACKIE A VERY PATRONIZING SMILE

PAM:(cont'd)

Which reminds me, maybe you should just keep Steven's little family issues quiet.

JACKIE:

(shaking her head in confusion) What family issues?

PAM:

(quietly, with a nervous laugh) You know ... his dad.

JACKIE:

(still not getting it) What about his dad? He's an extremely rich, successful businessman, why would you want me to keep that quiet?

PAM:

No, no. That's fine. It's just ... well, people don't need to know that Steven's - (she smiles) you know.

REALIZATION FINALLY SETS IN AND JACKIE LOOKS TOTALLY CRUSHED.

JACKIE:

(quietly) That Steven's black.

PAM:

Exactly. (she pats Jackie on the hand) Oh I knew you'd understand. (dismissvely) Of course it doesn't bother me, but some people can be so silly.

JACKIE:

(flatly) Sure. Some people.

JACKIE SLOWLY SINKS DOWN ON THE BLANKET NEXT TO LAYLA. SHE SITS IN STUNNED SILENCE WHEN FEZ ENTERS, CARRYING A TROPICAL LOOKING COCKTAIL. HE CROSSES TO PAM AND HANDS IT TO HER.

FEZ:

(with a grin) Here's another daiquiri for you, Pam.

PAM:

(smiles at Fez) Aren't you sweet. I don't even care that I can't understand a word you're saying.

JACKIE SITS MOTIONLESS WITH THE BABIES AND FEZ SMILES AT PAM WHO GOES TO WORK ON HER DRINK.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. POINT PLACE COUNTRY CLUB, TWO DAYS LATER, NIGHTTIME. THE ROOM HAS BEEN COMPLETELY TRANSFORMED INTO A TROPICAL PARADISE. _"BLUE HAWAII"_ BY ELVIS PRESLEY IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. EVERYONE IS WEARING LUAU STYLE CLOTHING. A FEW PEOPLE ARE OUT ON THE DANCE FLOOR. THERE IS A LARGE BUFFET TABLE SET UP. BROOKE AND LAURIE ARE STANDING BEHIND A BAR SERVING PEOPLE DRINKS. KELSO AND FEZ ARE LOITERING NEARBY. ERIC AND DONNA ARE SITTING AT A TABLE IN THE BACKGROUND. KITTY AND JOANNE ARE STANDING AT THE ENTRANCE TO THE BALLROOM HANDING OUT FLOWER LEIS. RED AND BOB ARE SITTING NEARBY HAVING A BEER. PATTY RYALS AND TWO OTHER WOMEN ARE GATHERED IN A GROUP, HAVING A DRINK AND TALKING. PAM WALKS IN WEARING ONLY A BIKINI TOP AND SARONG. HYDE AND JACKIE FOLLOW BEHIND HER AND WHILE JACKIE IS WEARING A TROPICAL LOOKING DRESS HYDE IS DRESSED IN HIS USUAL TEE SHIRT AND JEANS. JACKIE LOOKS A MILLION MILES AWAY AND SHE IS CLINGING TO HYDE'S ARM. THE TRIO IS STOPPED BY KITTY.

KITTY:

(staring at Pam) Hello there, Pam, so nice of you to ... (trying to think of something nice to say) not wear a top.

PAM:

(with a smile) I thought so, too.

PAM TAKES HER LEI FROM KITTY AND HEADS TOWARDS PATTY AND THE OTHER WOMEN.

KITTY:

(with a frown) Steven, your outfit isn't very tropical.

HYDE:

You've gotta read the back of the shirt. (he turns around and Kitty leans in to look at his concert tee) See? They played in Honolulu.

CUT TO PAM AND PATTY AND THE OTHER WOMEN. THEY ALL HAVE THE SAME BITCHY LOOK PLASTERED ACROSS THEIR FACES.

PAM:

(looking around the room) The club looks beautiful.

PATTY:

(nodding in agreement) Yes. Thank god for foreigners.

PAM:

They do such a nice job cleaning, don't they?

CUT BACK TO HYDE AND JACKIE AS THEY HEAD INTO THE BALLROOM. HYDE NOTICES THE LOST LOOK ON JACKIE'S FACE AND HE TUCKS A STRAND OF HAIR BEHIND HER EAR AND GIVES HER A SMIRK.

HYDE:

(to Jackie) Hey, what's wrong with you? Too many tacky shirts?

JACKIE:

(she shakes her head and tries to look happy) Nothing. It's just ... thank you for coming to this, Steven.

HYDE:

(with a wicked grin) I expect to be repaid sexually.

HE WAITS FOR A REACTION FROM JACKIE AND WHEN HE GETS NONE HE GIVES JACKIE HIS BEST SEXY SMILE.

HYDE:(cont'd)

Oh come on, that was good.

JACKIE:

(smiles weakly) I'm just gonna go call the sitter.

JACKIE HEADS AWAY FROM HYDE.

HYDE:

(calling after her) Jackie ...

HYDE WATCHES HER GO. HE LOOKS TOTALLY CONFUSED.

CUT TO LAURIE, FEZ, BROOKE AND KELSO AT THE BAR. LAURIE AND BROOKE ARE BOTH WEARING TROPICAL DRESSES AND SIPPING ON A DRINK. THEIR LINE OF CUSTOMERS IS GONE LEAVING BEHIND ONLY KELSO AND FEZ IN HAWAIIAN SHIRTS AND SHORTS.

LAURIE:

(with a smile as she looks around the room) Look at all the flowers and palm trees. It looks so romantic in here.

FEZ:

(to Laurie) If you think palm trees are romantic then I am definitely bringing you to my country. You will lose your freaking mind.

KELSO:

(with a laugh) I think we should take a field trip to Fez's country. I wanna catch myself a monkey.

BROOKE:

(grins at Kelso) Michael, I don't think you can actually _catch_ a monkey.

FEZ:

(nodding in agreement) She is right, my friend, those little suckers are fast.

CUT TO ERIC AND DONNA AT THEIR TABLE. THEY'RE ALSO IN TROPICAL WEAR AND HAVING A DRINK. THEY ARE SITTING IN COMPLETE SILENCE AND DONNA IS POUTING. ERIC LOOKS EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE.

ERIC:

(nervously, to Donna) So, a pig roast, huh? That's an option to explore for the wedding. Only, instead of sticking an apple in the pig's mouth we could put a beer. That would be high-larious.

DONNA:

(very bratty) Eric, enough with the stupid jokes.

ERIC:

(starts to yell, his voice cracking) Then you are gonna have to talk because, lady, I am _not_ comfortable sitting in complete silence.

DONNA ROLLS HER EYES AT POOR ERIC.

CUT TO RED AT HIS TABLE, BOB IS GONE AND KITTY HAS NOW JOINED HIM. RED IS WEARING HIS EVERYDAY CLOTHES.

KITTY:

Red, you could've at least worn a Hawaiian shirt.

RED:

(scowling) I don't like Hawaii. It reminds me of Pearl Harbor. That was one hell of a bad day, Kitty.

KITTY:

(points excitedly towards the bar) Would you look at that?

RED:

(exasperated) Oh for the love of God. I swear, I wasn't looking at Pam in her bikini.

KITTY:

(with a dismissive wave) Oh please, I could care less about that too-tall floozy. (she points again towards the bar)

RED TURNS SO HE CAN SEE WHAT KITTY IS POINTING AT. IT'S LAURIE AND BROOKE MAKING DRINKS AND SERVING PEOPLE.

KITTY:(cont'd)

(smiling) Look at Laurie. She's a LOPP. I am _so_ proud of her. I don't even care that she's drinking one pina colada for every one she serves.

RED:

(nods, a smile slowly spreading across his face) Yeah, our little girl's all grown up. (he pauses and the smile falls) And married to Fez.

KITTY JUST LAUGHS AND LEANS IN TO GIVE RED A KISS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. POINT PLACE COUNTRY CLUB, A HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE BALLROOM, IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING. _"COME MONDAY"_ BY JIMMY BUFFETT CAN BE HEARD COMING FROM INSIDE THE BALLROOM. JACKIE IS WALKING AWAY FROM A PAY PHONE WHEN HYDE WALKS UP TO HER. SHE STILL LOOKS LOST AND DEPRESSED.

HYDE:

The babies ok?

JACKIE:

(with a nod) Yeah, Katie said they just fell asleep.

HYDE:

(looking around) Where's your mom?

JACKIE:

(suddenly angry) Why? Are you hoping her bikini top has popped off? Seeing her topless once wasn't enough?

HYDE:

(nervously) I think I hear Forman calling me.

HYDE STARTS TO LEAVE AND JACKIE GRABS HIS HAND, STOPPING HIM.

JACKIE:

(quickly) Steven, wait, don't go. I'm sorry. (she pauses and looks unsure of what to say) It's just ... (sadly) Steven, my mother doesn't want people to know you're black.

HYDE:

(a little confused) Ok. So, what do you want me to do? Wear a hat?

JACKIE:

(shaking her head, insistently) I don't want you to do anything. I don't care what color you are. I love you. (she starts to cry) Oh God, I wish she'd never come back.

SHE RUSHES TOWARDS HYDE AND THROWS HERSELF IN HIS ARMS. HYDE JUST RUBS HER BACK HIS EXPRESSION STARTING TO GET VERY ANGRY AS HE STARES INTO THE OPEN BALLROOM DOORS LIKE HE'S LOOKING FOR PAM.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

(in between sobs) Why does this keep happening to me? Every time she comes home I think maybe she's changed. But she hasn't.

HYDE:

Jackie ... (he lets out a deep sigh and shakes his head) she's never gonna.

JACKIE:

I know. I just ... (she lifts her head and looks up at Hyde) I really wanted her to love the babies, Steven.

HYDE:

(looking a little unsure of what to say) Hey, um, if it helps, I'm sorry I saw your mom topless. (a beat) Wow. That's a really weird sentence to say.

JACKIE CHUCKLES, QUIETLY, AND HYDE PULLS HER HEAD BACK DOWN ONTO HIS CHEST.

JACKIE:

So, what do we do now?

HYDE:

Normally, in this situation, I'd kick some major ass, but your mom's a chick, so that option's kinda out. (he pauses, grinning, and looks down at Jackie) You wanna dance?

JACKIE:

(she lifts her head to look at Hyde and smiles) Yeah. Yeah I do.

HYDE WRAPS HIS ARMS EVEN TIGHTER AROUND JACKIE AND PULLS HER EXTREMELY CLOSE. THEY DANCE, SLOWLY, FOR A FEW MOMENTS BEFORE KITTY WANDERS OUT INTO THE HALLWAY. SHE SMILES, NERVOUSLY, WHEN SHE SEES JACKIE AND HYDE'S VERY CLOSE PROXIMITY. SHE CROSSES TO THEM AND PULLS JACKIE JUST A FEW INCHES AWAY FROM HYDE.

KITTY:

(scolding) Alright you two, this isn't your senior prom. Let's try to leave room for the Lord.

KITTY HEADS OFF AND HYDE AND JACKIE GO RIGHT BACK TO THEIR PREVIOUS EMBRACE.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. POINT PLACE COUNTRY CLUB, A FEW HOURS LATER. BROOKE AND LAURIE ARE STILL WORKING AS BARTENDERS. THERE ARE MORE PEOPLE ON THE DANCE FLOOR NOW, INCLUDING RED AND KITTY AND BOB AND JOANNE. BROOKE AND LAURIE WATCH THE PARTY GOING ON AROUND THEM. THEY BOTH LOOK A LITTLE BUZZED UP.

LAURIE:

(with a big, ditzy smile) I love being a LOPP. We have great parties.

BROOKE:

(polishing off a drink with a noisy slurp from the straw) Oh my God (she gives Laurie a huge smile) you make the best frozen thingys.

LAURIE:

(nodding) I know. I'm a whiz with a blender.

BROOKE:

(getting a wicked look on her face) Where's Michael? I'm feeling a little crazy.

BROOKE STEPS OUT FROM BEHIND THE BAR AND HEADS OFF TO FIND KELSO. LAURIE WATCHES HER GO AND SMILES.

LAURIE:

Oh Kelso owes me big time for this.

CUT TO ERIC, DONNA, HYDE AND JACKIE GATHERED AROUND A TABLE. HYDE HAS JACKIE ON HIS LAP, HIS ARMS WRAPPED AROUND HER. ERIC LOOKS BORED AND A LITTLE ANNOYED AND DONNA IS GLARING AT BOB AND JOANNE ON THE DANCE FLOOR.

DONNA:

They didn't even tell me they were getting married. I mean, don't I get an opinion?

ERIC:

(with a sigh) Do you really want an opinion in your dad's love life? Why don't you start by giving him your opinion on his clothes. Or his hair.

DONNA:

(rolling her eyes at Eric) I just think they should've told me they were going to get married.

JACKIE LIFTS HER HEAD OFF OF HYDE'S CHEST AND TURNS TO FACE DONNA.

JACKIE:

(pissed) Donna, you are acting like a big red brat.

DONNA:

(rolling her eyes at Jackie) Yeah ,whatever, and you're a midget. Jackie, you're missing the point -

JACKIE:

(interrupting) No, _you're_ missing the point. Joanne loves your dad and she makes him happy, and she wants to be a mom to you. Do you know how amazing that is? (getting really worked-up) My mom is a horrible, awful person who doesn't love me or my babies.

DONNA:

(with a slight chuckle) You're right. I guess I should at least be glad he didn't marry your mom.

HYDE:

(with a clenched jaw, he stares at Donna) Donna, you might wanna back off.

JACKIE GETS OUT OF HYDE'S LAP AND TURNS TO FACE DONNA.

JACKIE:

(yelling) You think your dad is such a terrible parent? You wanna know what a terrible parent does? They tell you not to tell people your husband is black.

DONNA:

(suddenly, very embarrassed) Jackie -

JACKIE:

(interrupts) That's right. So I'm sorry if I don't feel bad for you that you have not one, but two moms that love you and you're too busy feeling sorry for yourself to realize it.

JACKIE RUNS OFF. HYDE STANDS UP TO FOLLOW HER.

DONNA:

(stammering) Hyde, I ... I didn't know.

HYDE:

(flatly, to Donna) Yeah, well. Now you do.

HYDE FOLLOWS JACKIE OFF. ERIC AND DONNA SIT IN SILENCE, TOTALLY STUNNED.

DONNA:

Wow. I feel like a complete ass.

ERIC:

(trying to help) Don't worry, it happens to me all the time. It'll pass.

DONNA:

God, Jackie's mom is a total bitch.

ERIC:

(nodding in agreement) A-roonie-doonie.

DONNA:

(guiltily) I guess I'm kind of a bitch right now, too, huh?

ERIC:

(quickly) I've got no comment on that one. (he pauses and turns to Donna, suddenly very sincere) Donna, what I don't get is, you were fine with Joanne when she was just living with your dad, what changed?

DONNA:

(she pauses and looks really sad) I feel like I'm betraying my mom.

ERIC:

(giving her a small smile, he takes Donna's hand) Donna, you're not betraying your mom by accepting Joanne. Your mom loves you, I'm sure she'd want you to have someone like Joanne in your life.

DONNA:

(with a small smile) Eric, you're a pretty great guy. Did you know that?

ERIC:

(with a nod) Yes. Yes I did. (a smile slowly creeps across his face) Oh my God, you're the dumbass and I'm the good one. (he points to himself) Me. The good one. What an incredible feeling.

DONNA:

(teasing) Try to remember it, 'cause it doesn't happen often.

ERIC:

You don't have to tell me.

DONNA LAUGHS AND LEANS IN TO GIVE ERIC A KISS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. POINT PLACE COUNTRY CLUB, A SHORT WHILE LATER. _"TINY BUBBLES"_ BY DON HO PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. BOB AND JOANNE ARE SITTING AT A TABLE EATING WHEN DONNA APPROACHES THEM.

DONNA:

(a little hesitantly) How come you guys aren't dancing? Come, on ... "Tiny Bubbles"? Dad, you love this song. You've gotta get out there and do your hula moves.

BOB:

(sadly) I don't feel much like hulaing right now.

DONNA SITS DOWN NEXT TO BOB.

DONNA:

(with a sigh) Ok, look, it's been pointed out to me that I've been acting like an ass.

BOB:

Pointed out by who?

DONNA:

Eric and Jackie. (Bob and Joanne look surprised and Donna nods in agreement) I know. The irony. Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm sorry, and ... (sincerely) I'm really happy for you guys.

BOB:

You mean it?

DONNA:

(nods and smiles) Yeah, you two are perfect together. (to Joanne) And I couldn't ask for a better step-mom.

JOANNE:

(sweetly) Thank you, Donna. That means the world to me.

BOB:

(with a sniffle) Aw geez.

JOANNE:

(grinning at Bob) Here he goes. (she pats Bob on the hand) It's a good thing I like sensitive men.

DONNA:

(indicating towards the dance floor) So get out there and practice for the wedding. The bride's parents get to have a dance, you know.

BOB:

(shaking his head) Oh, cupcake, I'm not dancing with your mom. She always yells mean things at me when I step on her feet.

DONNA:

(with a chuckle at Bob) No, Dad, I meant you and Joanne.

BOB:

(starting to tear up again) Aw geez ...

JOANNE JUST STANDS UP AND PULLS BOB WITH HER.

JOANNE:

Come on, Bob, the tears can wait. Let's work on our moves. We've gotta be better than Red and Kitty.

BOB AND JOANNE HEAD OUT ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR AS DONNA WATCHES THEM GO WITH A SMILE.

CUT TO FEZ, LAURIE, KITTY AND RED. THEY ARE GATHERED AROUND A GROUP OF PEOPLE THAT ARE LIMBOING. RED IS STARING, DEFIANTLY, AT FEZ.

RED:

(to Fez) I told you, Ali Baba, I'm not doing the Limbo.

FEZ:

Come on, Red, loosen up. The ladies like a man who can limbo. It demonstrates flexibility.

KITTY:

(excitedly) I'll try it. It looks fun.

RED:

No, Kitty. _Fun_ is the Packers beating the Vikings. (he points to the Limbo bar) _This_ is just stupid.

KITTY HEADS OVER TO LINE UP WITH FEZ FOLLOWING HER AND GIVING OUT POINTERS.

FEZ:

Now, Miss Kitty, you need to lay back and bend your knees and just walk.

KITTY STARTS OUT UNDER THE BAR LOOKING REALLY UNSURE OF WHAT SHE'S DOING.

KITTY:

(nervously) Oh dear, I feel like I might tip over.

RED:

Kitty, are you sure you should be bending like that? You're not a pretzel, you know.

LAURIE:

(calling out to Kitty) Come on, Mom, you can do it!

KITTY A LITTLE AWKWARDLY, MAKES IT UNDER THE BAR. SHE STANDS UP LOOKING VERY PROUD OF HERSELF. FEZ AND LAURIE RUN OVER TO CONGRATULATE HER.

KITTY:

(excitedly) I did it! I did the Limbo.

LAURIE:

(clapping) Yay, Mommy!

LAURIE GRABS KITTY AND HUGS HER WHILE THEY BOTH JUMP UP AND DOWN.

FEZ:

(nodding as he grins at Kitty) Oh yes, you are quite the mother-in-law.

RED GLARES AT FEZ WHO GIVES HIM A NERVOUS SMILE. KELSO AND BROOKE WALK TOWARDS LAURIE. THEY ARE BOTH VERY DISHEVELED LOOKING AND KELSO HAS HIS ARM SLUNG OVER BROOKE'S SHOULDERS.

KELSO:

(with a huge smile he gives Laurie a thumbs-up) Hey, Laurie, _great_ daiquiris!

LAURIE GIVES KELSO A SMILE AND BROOKE LOOKS A LITTLE EMBARRASSED.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 5

INT. POINT PLACE COUNTRY CLUB, A SHORT WHILE LATER. POLYNESIAN MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. JACKIE AND HYDE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DANCE FLOOR, ERIC AND DONNA ARE NEXT TO THEM. BROOKE AND KELSO AND FEZ AND LAURIE ARE ALSO NEARBY. ALL THE COUPLES ARE DANCING. PAM WALKS OUT ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR AND HEADS STRAIGHT TOWARDS JACKIE.

PAM:

Jackie, I have been looking for you everywhere.

JACKIE AND HYDE STOP DANCING AND STARE AT PAM. HYDE LOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO LOSE IT. ERIC AND DONNA ALSO STOP DANCING AND GLARE AT PAM.

PAM:

(excitedly, to Jackie) Did you hear? I won! You are looking at the new president of the LOPPs. (with a conceited laugh) Of course, I knew I would win. Just like I won Miss Wisconsin.

JACKIE:

(flatly) I thought you won Miss Wisconsin because you slept with all the judges.

PAM:

(with a wave of her hand) That was only _part_ of the reason.

JACKIE:

(shaking her head) I can't do this anymore, Mom. I'm going home.

HYDE GLARES AT PAM WHILE JACKIE LETS GO OF HIM AND STARTS TO HEAD OFF. PAM CALLS AFTER HER.

PAM:

Jackie, you can't leave, yet. I haven't given my speech.

JACKIE STOPS IN HER TRACKS AND TURNS BACK TO FACE PAM.

JACKIE:

(with a look of deadly determination) You want a speech? (loudly) I would _love_ to give a speech. And I've got this fabulous voice that carries. I won't even need a microphone.

KELSO, BROOKE, FEZ AND LAURIE HAVE MADE THEIR WAY OVER TO FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THEIR FRIENDS. PEOPLE HAVE STARTED TO STARE AT JACKIE. PAM GLANCES AROUND, NOTICING THE CROWD GATHERING SHE STARTS GIVING PEOPLE A NERVOUS SMILE. SHE CROSSES TO JACKIE AND TRIES TO GRAB HER ARM, WHICH JACKIE YANKS AWAY.

PAM:

(thorough clenched teeth and a phony smile) Jackie, you're making a scene.

HYDE HEADS OVER TO JACKIE AND STEPS BETWEEN HER AND PAM.

HYDE:

(with a smirk) Oh this is nowhere near a scene. You'll know when she makes a scene. Stuff usually get thrown.

RED, KITTY, BOB AND JOANNE HAVE NOW GATHERED AROUND THE GROUP.

RED:

(coming up behind Jackie and Hyde) Is there a problem here, Steven?

HYDE;

(he gives Pam a sarcastic smile) It seems Pam's got a little issue with my skin.

KELSO:

(whispers to Brooke) I don't get it? She doesn't like Hyde's beard?

BROOKE AND LAURIE SHUSH KELSO.

JACKIE:

(getting louder and more worked up) You know what's amazing, Mom, if it weren't for Steven I probably would've ended up just like you - a drunken tramp jumping from one rich man to the next. I mean, that's what you always wanted for me, isn't it? A daughter is a reflection of the mother? That _is_ what you said, right?

PAM:

(frowning her disapproval at Jackie) Jackie, what's happened to you? You were perfect until you started hanging out with these degenerates. (she points towards the gang)

DONNA APPEARS OVER JACKIE'S SHOULDER. SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S READY FOR A FIGHT.

DONNA:

(begging Jackie) Jackie, let me hit her. Just once.

JACKIE IGNORES DONNA AND KEEPS GOING, WALKING SLOWLY AND DETERMINEDLY TOWARDS PAM.

JACKIE:

All I ever wanted was for us to be a family. You know, I feel sorry for you, Mom. Because you're missing out on me. And _I_ am amazing.

HYDE:

(grinning, proudly at Jackie) She's _perfect_.

HYDE LOOKS A LITTLE SURPRISED AT WHAT HE HS SAID AND JACKIE TURNS TO QUICKLY SHOOT HIM A SMILE.

JACKIE:

Thank you, baby. (the smile is gone and she turns back to Pam) But I don't need you anymore, Mom. I already found my perfect family.

PAM:

Jackie, _I'm_ your family.

JACKIE:

No you're not. (she turns around and points to the gang gathered behind her) They are. (she turns back to Pam and looks her up and down) You're just the person who gave birth to me. And I bet you would've hired someone to do that if you could've. (she pauses and then gives Pam a cold smile) Bye, Mom. Enjoy your life.

JACKIE TURNS AND HEADS OFF TAKING DONNA'S HAND AND PULLING HER ALONG AS SHE GOES. PAM LOOKS TOTALLY SHOCKED AND THE REST OF THE GANG STARES AT HER. THE OTHER PARTYGOERS WHO HAVE BEEN WATCHING GO BACK TO THEIR DANCING. HYDE GETS AN EVIL GRIN ON HIS FACE AND STEPS FORWARD TO SQUARE OFF WITH PAM.

HYDE:

(mocking Pam) Oh, hey, Pam. In case you're wondering how to describe what just happened here. We "degenerates" like to call it, "a burn."

HYDE WINKS AT A FURIOUS LOOKING PAM AND THEN HE TURNS AND HEADS OFF AFTER JACKIE AND DONNA. FEZ STEPS OUT OF THE CROWD AND FROWNS AT PAM.

FEZ:

Hyde is right, you are not so hot. Miss Kitty can take you any day of the week and twice on Tuesday!

KITTY:

(starts frantically pointing at Pam) You bet your a-s-s I can! _And_, I can limbo.

RED GRINS, PROUDLY, AT KITTY AND PAM STOMPS OFF LEAVING THE GANG BEHIND TO SMILE AS THEY WATCH HER GO.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

EXT. FORMAN PORCH, LATER THAT NIGHT. JACKIE AND HYDE ARE SITTING ON THE CHAIRS QUIETLY RELAXING WITH A BEER. HYDE IS HOLDING JAGGER AND JACKIE IS HOLDING LAYLA. BOTH OF THE BABIES ARE ASLEEP AND COVERED IN A BLANKET.

HYDE:

(grinning at Jackie) I was really proud of you tonight.

JACKIE:

(with a big smile) Yeah?

HYDE:

(nodding) Yeah, you were badass.

JACKIE:

So, (she smiles at Hyde) here's to being orphans.

JACKIE HOLDS UP HER BEER.

HYDE

To being orphans.

HYDE HOLDS HIS BEER UP AND THEY CLINK BOTTLES, THEN HYDE PUTS HIS ARM AROUND JACKIE.

JACKIE:

(grinning as she looks at Hyde) Who needs Pam and Bud and Edna when we have the Formans.

HYDE:

(with a nod) Yep.

JACKIE AND HYDE KISS JUST AS THE SLIDING DOOR OPENS AND RED STICKS HIS HEAD OUT TO SCOWL AT JACKIE AND HYDE.

RED:

I know you two have your own house so get your asses over there.

RED EXITS BACK INTO THE HOUSE. JACKIE AND HYDE WATCH HIM GO WITH A LAUGH.

HYDE:

(with a grin) Red's the _best_.

JACKIE SMILES AND NODS IN AGREEMENT, THEN SHE LAYS HER HEAD ON HYDE'S SHOULDER AND HE GIVES HER A KISS ON THE TOP OF THE HEAD.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"Lovin' You"

Kitty decides that everyone will accompany Donna and Eric on their couples retreat which, of course, leads to big trouble, and lots of fun ...


	38. Lovin' You

"Lovin' You"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Minnie Riperton

I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disastrous way the show ended. This is Episode 9-7.

Thanks for reviewing!!! The fact that people enjoy this story makes all the hours I've spent on it worthwhile!!!!

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, AFTERNOON. THE GANG IS LISTENING TO_"ERUPTION" _BY VAN HALEN ON THE STEREO. HYDE IS IN HIS CHAIR WITH JACKIE IN HIS LAP. THERE IS A PLAYPEN SET UP NEAR THE DEEP FREEZE AND BETSY, JAGGER AND LAYLA ARE SITTING IN IT, PLAYING. BROOKE IS SITTING ON THE FOOTSTOOL NEAR THE PLAYPEN. FEZ, LAURIE AND ERIC ARE GATHERED ON THE COUCH AND KELSO IS IN THE LAWN CHAIR. THE GUYS ARE REALLY INTO THE MUSIC AND THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE OFF IN THEIR OWN LITTLE WORLD.

HYDE:

It's like Clapton and Hendrix had a kid and they named him Eddie.

ERIC:

You know how on the seventh day, God supposedly rested? That's not true. On the seventh day he created Eddie Van Halen.

KELSO:

Yeah, not only does he totally kick guitar ass, but he's doin' it with that hot babe from "One Day At A Time".

FEZ:

(very matter-of-fact) He has it all.

JACKIE:

(smiling at Hyde) He's like my Steven.

HYDE:

(with a cocky grin) That's right.

LAURIE:

(turns to Fez and looks at him proudly) Fez reminds me of Tom Jones.

FEZ:

(explaining, to the guys) That's probably because of my vast panty collection.

KELSO:

(with a huge smile) Who do I remind you of, Brooke?

BROOKE GLANCES NERVOUSLY AT JACKIE AND LAURIE BEFORE ANSWERING.

BROOKE:

(a little unsure) Um, I guess you kind of remind me of David Cassidy.

KELSO:

(with a fist pump) _Kick ass!_ I love, the Partridges!

ERIC:

You know, there should be a rule limiting the unfairly cool things that people get. Like, if you can play guitar like your fingers were blessed by angels, you should have to spend your life with a fat chick. Or, if you get a totally cool spaceship like the Millennium Falcon, you should have to give the hot princess to your Jedi friend.

DONNA ENTERS THROUGH THE BASEMENT DOOR.

DONNA:

Hey guys.

SHE HEADS OVER TO THE COUCH AND SITS ON THE ARM NEAR ERIC.

ERIC:

(he points at Donna) See, here's a perfect example of the rule. I have the body of a stick figure so I get a super hot girl.

DONNA:

(looking at Eric in confusion) I don't wanna know, do I?

ERIC:

(he shakes his head) Probably not.

DONNA:

So, Eric, do you remember what we're doing this weekend?

ERIC:

(trying to come up with something) Um ... having a sex marathon?

DONNA:

(she smacks him in the arm) God, you're such a perv.

ERIC:

Yeah. I didn't think that was the answer.

HYDE:

(smirks at Eric) That's what _I'm_ doing this weekend.

JACKIE LAUGHS AT HYDE AND LEANS IN TO GIVE HIM A KISS. ERIC LOOKS EXTREMELY IRRITATED AT THEIR DISPLAY.

ERIC:

(to Donna) Look at that, she just kisses him. She doesn't call him names or hit, (stuttering) she just ... Hyde ...you ...you ... I just ... shut up, Hyde. (his voice cracks in frustration) No fair! See, (points at Hyde) he's why we need the rule.

HYDE GIVES ERIC A TAUNTING SMILE.

KELSO:

(laughing) Man, how awesome would a sex marathon be?

FEZ:

(with a pervy grin) I have been training for a sex marathon my whole life.

HYDE:

(to Fez) And, you've got the blisters to prove it.

DONNA:

(irritated with Eric) Eric, this weekend is our marriage retreat in Green Bay.

ERIC:

(rolling his eyes) Whoopie.

DONNA GLARES AT ERIC, WHO QUICKLY FAKES HIS EXCITEMENT

ERIC:(cont'd)

I mean, whoopie! (he does a half-hearted fist pump)

DONNA GETS UP OFF THE COUCH AND TURNS TO FACE ERIC

DONNA:

So, that's what a weekend of talking about our future means to you?

ERIC:

We're gonna talk about that the whole weekend? (giving Donna his best sexy smile) I was kind of hoping we could go to the Packer Hall of Fame.

HIS SMILE FALLS AS HE REALIZES HE HAS PISSED DONNA OFF.

LAURIE:

(shaking her head at Eric) God, you are such a dumbass.

HYDE:

That's a marathon Forman could win. The dumbass marathon.

LAURIE:

(with a sneer) The announcer would be like, "look at him go - he's been a dumbass for twenty years and he's showing no signs of stopping."

JACKIE:

(with a bratty smile) Eric would be first place, Michael would be second and Fez would get third.

KELSO, NOT GETTING IT, POINTS AT FEZ AND LAUGHS.

KELSO:

Ha ha! I totally beat you, Fez.

ERIC:

(to Jackie) Oh yeah? What place would your dumbass of a husband get?

JACKIE:

Oh Steven wouldn't be in the dumbass marathon. (runs a hand up and down Hyde's chest) He's gonna be too busy with the sex marathon.

KELSO:

(points at Eric and yells) _BURN!_

HYDE:

(giving Jackie a sexy grin) You rock, young grasshopper.

HYDE LEANS IN AND KISSES JACKIE. ERIC SIGHS, DEFEATED.

ERIC:

Again. Hyde is the reason we need the rule.

HYDE AND JACKIE BREAK THEIR KISS AND HYDE GIVES ERIC A TAUNTING NOD. KELSO BEGINS PLAYING AIR GUITAR ALONG WITH EDDIE VAN HALEN.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, LATER THAT AFTERNOON. KITTY IS IN THE KITCHEN MAKING SANDWICHES WHEN RED, ERIC AND DONNA ENTER. ERIC AND DONNA LOOK TOTALLY DEJECTED AND RED LOOKS REALLY CRABBY.

KITTY:

(to Red) How's the house look?

RED:

Like it's being built by two stoned hippies.

RED GOES TO THE FRIDGE AND GRABS A BEER. ERIC AND DONNA SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE. RED CROSSES TOWARDS KITTY.

ERIC:

(smiles weakly) It's got a roof. And walls. But it's kind of missing a few things.

KITTY:

Like what?

DONNA:

(with a sigh) Like an inside.

KITTY:

(she shrugs) Well, the inside's the least important part. The walls are the big thing. Oh and the stove, does it have a stove?

RED:

(points at Eric) Have you two figured out where you're going to live after you get married. And if you say here I will kick your ass to next Wednesday.

ERIC:

(nervously, to Donna) What do I say?

DONNA:

(trying not to laugh) Don't say "here" that's for sure.

KITTY:

(to Eric) Why don't you stay with Steven and Jackie?

ERIC:

No way. I had to listen to those two enough when he lived here.(with disgust) They make my ears bleed.

KITTY:

(confused) What is that supposed to mean? Listen to them do what?

ERIC PAUSES FOR A FEW SECONDS AND LOOKS AT DONNA, UNSURE OF WHAT TO DO.

ERIC:

Um. (very awkwardly) Well, you see -

RED:

(interrupts Eric) Oh for God's sake, don't explain it to her.

KITTY:

Oh, Eric, I almost forgot, Pastor Dave called with directions to the retreat in Green Bay.

RED:

(grinning at Eric) Have fun. Wish I could be there to see you sharing your feelings on love and marriage.

KITTY:

Wish granted. We're going, too.

RED:

(to Kitty) What?

KITTY:

Yep. Dave mentioned there are classes for married couples as well as engaged couples so I signed us all up.

ERIC:

(with a breathy laugh) Ye-he-ah. (he points at Red) You have to talk about your feelings.

RED:

No I don't. Because I don't have any feelings.

KITTY:

(very matter-of-fact) Well then, you can get together with Steven and between the two of you I think you can manage to come up with one emotion.

ERIC:

(to Kitty) Hyde's going, too?

KITTY:

(nods) Mm-hm.

DONNA:

(with a grin) This is gonna be good.

RED STARES AT KITTY LIKE HE'S EXTREMELY IRRITATED. SHE JUST GIVES HIM A BIG GRIN AND A KISS ON THE CHEEK.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. A HOTEL LOBBY IN GREEN BAY, A FEW DAYS LATER, MORNING. THERE ARE LOTS OF COUPLES WANDERING AROUND AND SOME KIDS. THERE ARE HOTEL EMPLOYEES CHECKING PEOPLE IN AT THE CHECK-IN DESK AND THERE'S ALSO A TABLE SET UP WITH A SIGN ABOVE IT THAT READS, "WELCOME, COUPLES" PASTOR DAVE AND PASTOR DAN ARE NEARBY THE TABLE TALKING TO SOME PEOPLE. RED AND KITTY ENTER FIRST FOLLOWED BY BOB AND JOANNE WITH ERIC AND DONNA. FEZ AND LAURIE, HOLDING HANDS WANDER IN, AND, FINALLY, BROOKE AND KELSO, WHO IS CARRYING BETSY AND JACKIE AND HYDE EACH PUSHING A BABY IN A STROLLER. EVERYONE IS CARRYING BAGS AND THE MEN DO NOT LOOK VERY ENTHUSED TO BE THERE.

KITTY:

(looking around, with a big smile) This is going to be so much fun, I love hotels.

RED:

(to Kitty) You love hotel _bars_. There's a difference.

CUT TO ERIC AND DONNA. DONNA IS MAKING HER WAY TOWARDS PASTOR DAVE'S TABLE AND ERIC IS STRAGGLING BEHIND READING A BROCHURE.

ERIC:

(to Donna) Awesome, they have a pool. (Donna frowns at him and he gives her a smile) Which ... we won't be using because we'll be too busy talking about our love for one another.

KELSO AND BROOKE COME UP BEHIND ERIC.

KELSO:

Brooke and I are usin' the pool.

BROOKE:

Michael, we didn't bring swimsuits.

KELSO:

(with a sleazy smile) I know.

FEZ AND LAURIE WANDER OVER AND JOIN THE GANG. ONLY JACKIE AND HYDE STAY BACK HANGING BY THEMSELVES.

FEZ:

Ahhh, hotels. So many beds, so little time.

LAURIE GIVES FEZ A DITZY SMILE. PASTOR DAVE SPOTS THE GROUP AND MAKES HIS WAY OVER.

PASTOR DAVE:

You made it! Welcome to our Loving Couples Retreat.

CUT TO JACKIE AND HYDE. JACKIE LOOKS BORED AND HYDE GETS A WICKED LOOK ON HIS FACE.

HYDE:

(quietly, to Jackie) Hey, let's blow off this talking crap and just get straight to the loving part.

HYDE GRABS JACKIE'S HAND AND THEY TRY TO SNEAK AWAY. KITTY APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE AND STOPS THEM.

KITTY:

Where do you two think you're going?

JACKIE:

(smiling) Um ... to change their diapers.

KITTY:

(shaking her head) Nice try. I don't smell anything. Get back in line.

JACKIE AND HYDE, A LITTLE ANNOYED, PUSH THE BABIES OVER AND JOIN THE REST OF THE GROUP.

PASTOR DAVE:

(to the gang) Now, the married couples are going to be with me and the engaged couples are going to be with Pastor Dan.

PASTOR DAN WALKS UP AND GIVES ERIC A SALUTE.

ERIC:

(with an excited laugh) Alright!

DONNA:

(rolling her eyes at Eric) Perfect. So instead of talking about our hopes and dreams we're going to spend the weekend talking about "Star Wars"

KELSO MAKES HIS WAY UP TO PASTOR DAVE.

KELSO:

(confused) Hey, Dave, where do the couples go that aren't engaged or married but have a child together and live with each other?

PASTOR DAVE:

(smiles sadly at Kelso) To hell.

PASTOR DAN GIVES DAVE A FROWN AND THEN QUICKLY PULLS KELSO AND BROOKE AWAY FROM DAVE.

PASTOR DAN:

(with a fake chuckle) He's kidding. Just a little church humor. You can come with me, Michael.

KELSO:

(with a big dopey smile) Good, I wanna talk about "Star Wars", too.

EVERYONE GOES OFF IN THEIR OWN DIRECTION.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. A CONVENTION ROOM IN THE HOTEL, A FEW HOURS LATER. THERE ARE CHAIRS SET UP FACING A PODIUM WHERE DAVE IS STANDING LOOKING OVER SOME PAPERS. THERE ARE LOTS OF COUPLES IN THE ROOM. KITTY, JOANNE, JACKIE AND LAURIE ARE ALL SITTING IN A GROUP TALKING WITH EACH OTHER. RED, BOB, HYDE AND FEZ ARE GATHERED AROUND A TABLE LOADED WITH FOOD.

LAURIE:

(pouting as she glances around the room) I didn't know there were gonna be other people here. Great, now we have to listen to these losers' problems.

KITTY:

Laurie, that's not very nice. (with a dismissive wave of her hand) Just politely tune them out when they're talking.

JACKIE:

(looking around the room with a snotty smile) I love it when Steven and I are the best looking couple in the room. (she stops and looks, nervously, at the others) Did I say that out loud?

JACKIE GIVES A FAKE LAUGH AND THE WOMEN GO BACK TO TALKING

CUT TO THE GUYS AT THE FOOD TABLE. RED LOOKS PISSED, HYDE LOOKS BORED AND BOB AND FEZ ARE EATING SOME PIE.

RED:

(to the guys) Listen up, I've got an idea. Now, none of us want to be here -

FEZ:

(interrupting Red) I want to be here.

RED:

(frowns at Fez) That's because you're practically a woman.

BOB:

(his mouth full of food) We need a strategy.

HYDE:

(thinks for a few seconds then nods) Good idea, let's fake food poisoning.

RED:

(shakes his head) Then we risk a trip to the hospital.

BOB:

(suddenly very nervous) I can't go to the hospital. Needles make me faint.

RED:

(scowls at Bob) Oh good God. (looks around to make sure no one is listening) Here's what we're going to do, we're going to just agree with everything our wives say.

HYDE:

That's not a plan, that's suicide.

RED:

(grins) If we're all perfect husbands we can wrap this crap up and get over to the Hall of Fame before dinner time.

FEZ:

(sadly) But then we do not get to spend the weekend exploring our feelings.

RED, HYDE AND BOB SLOWLY TURN AND STARE AT FEZ. FEZ SUDDENLY LOOKS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

HYDE:

Fez, you're about to spend the weekend locked in a closet.

FEZ:

(with a weak smile) Hall of Fame, here we come.

RED NODS AND FEZ GOES BACK TO HIS PIE.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. A DIFFERENT CONVENTION ROOM IN THE HOTEL, THE SAME TIME. THE ROOM IS SET UP MUCH THE SAME AS THE OTHER WITH COUPLES SITTING IN CHAIRS FACING PASTOR DAN WHO IS AT A PODIUM IN THE FRONT OF THE ROOM. ERIC AND DONNA ARE SITTING WITH KELSO AND BROOKE.

PASTOR DAN:

(to all the couples) So, I thought we'd start by taking our compatibility quiz.

PASTOR DAN GRABS A STACK OF PAPERS AND STARTS HANDING THEM OUT.

KELSO:

Ooh, a test. (laughs at Eric) Hope you do better on this one than on the SATs, man.

DONNA:

(smacks Kelso on the arm) Kelso! Get bent! (she whispers to Eric) Eric, try to do better than you did on the SATs

ERIC SIGHS, ANNOYED. PASTOR DAN GIVES ERIC AND DONNA AND THEN KELSO AND BROOKE THEIR TESTS.

PASTOR DAN:

Now, this is just a tool to help us find your problem areas. There are no right or wrong answers.

KELSO:

(to Eric) That's a lie. There's always a wrong answer.

ERIC:

(to Pastor Dan) Ok, so, like, if I answer "A" and Donna answers "B" does that mean we shouldn't get married?

PASTOR DAN:

(smiles at Eric) Of course not. (he pauses and looks concerned) Why, do you think you and Donna shouldn't get married?

ERIC:

No. (stammering) Wait, did I just answer that wrong? I don't mean, "no, we shouldn't get married." I meant, "no, I don't think we shouldn't get married."

PASTOR DAN LOOKS TOTALLY LOST

DONNA:

(gives Pastor Dan a shrug) He doesn't do well with pressure.

PASTOR DAN:

Is that true, Eric?

ERIC:

(very melodramatically) Let's just say, it's a good thing it wasn't up to me to fire that crucial shot into the Death Star.

PASTOR DAN:

(very serious) Amen to that, brother.

DONNA ROLLS HER EYES AT ERIC AND PASTOR DAN AND SHE TURNS HER ATTENTION TO HER TEST.

BROOKE:

(sweetly) Good luck, Michael.

BROOKE GIVES KELSO A KISS. KELSO STARTS TO LAUGH, EXCITEDLY

KELSO:

Oh man, if you would've kissed me before tests in high school I probably would've showed up for more of them.

BROOKE SMILES AND JUST SHAKES HER HEAD. THEY BEGIN WORKING ON THEIR TESTS. MEANWHILE, ERIC IS STARTING TO FIDGET AND SHIFT, NERVOUSLY. HE LEANS IN TO DONNA, TRYING TO LOOK AT HER PAPERS.

ERIC:

(whispers) Hey, Donna, what'd you put for number four?

DONNA:

(pulling her test away from Eric) Eric, you can't look at my paper. That's cheating.

ERIC:

Do you want me to get an 800 again?

DONNA:

Just answer from your heart.

ERIC:

(with a loud sigh) Fine. (a beat and then Eric turns to Kelso) Hey, Kelso, what'd you put for number four?

KELSO LOOKS AROUND TO MAKE SURE PASTOR DAN'S NOT LOOKING AND THEN HE SLIDES HIS PAPER OVER FOR ERIC TO SEE.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. PASTOR DAVE'S CONVENTION ROOM IN THE HOTEL, A SHORT WHILE LATER. ALL THE COUPLES ARE NOW SITTING IN THE CHAIRS FACING PASTOR DAVE. JOANNE, BOB, RED AND KITTY ARE SITTING A ROW AHEAD OF JACKIE, HYDE, FEZ AND LAURIE.

PASTOR DAVE:

Alright, everyone. We're going to split up into small groups and I'm going to give every group a topic to discuss.

BOB:

(quietly, to Red) I hope our topic is the Packers.

PASTOR DAVE:

So, go ahead and choose a group. Try to go outside of your comfort zone, pick some people you don't know.

IMMEDIATELY, THE GANG ALL TURN THEIR CHAIRS TOWARDS EACH OTHER FORMING A TIGHT CIRCLE, PREVENTING ANYONE ELSE FROM GETTING IN. PASTOR DAVE FROWNS WHEN HE SEES THIS.

PASTOR DAVE:(cont'd)

Or, ignore me completely. It's your choice.

KITTY:

(with a nervous laugh) Oh dear, I guess that wasn't very friendly of us, was it?

HYDE:

We're doing those people a favor. Nobody should have to hear about Laurie and Fez's private life.

PASTOR DAVE WALKS UP TO THE GROUP.

PASTOR DAVE:

Alrighty, gang. Here's your topic.

HE HANDS A PIECE OF PAPER TO FEZ WHO READS IT AND THEN GIVES THE OTHERS A BIG SMILE.

FEZ:

(gleefully) Oh goody. Sex.

RED:

(quickly shakes his head) I am not going to talk about my sex life in front of my son, my son-in-law and my neighbor.

HYDE:

Yeah. Especially since the son-in-law and the neighbor might find it kinda hot.

FEZ SMILES, GUILTILY, AND BOB JUST SHRUGS. DAVE TAKES THE PAPER BACK FROM FEZ AND STARTS TO LOOK FOR A NEW ONE.

PASTOR DAVE:

Alright, I don't want any uncomfortableness. Or fighting. I'll give you a new topic. (with a goofy grin) Oh, here's a good one - romance.

DAVE HANDS ANOTHER PAPER TO FEZ.

FEZ:

Even better. (to the guys) We should share tips, advice - you know, how can we spice up our marriages?

RED JUST GLARES AT FEZ LIKE HE'S GOING TO PUNCH HIM.

HYDE:

(to Fez) You're not spicin' anything up 'cause I'm pretty sure Red's about to kill you.

KITTY:

(quickly, tugging on Red's arm) No, no. I like this topic. We can all use a little more romance in our marriages.

JACKIE:

(nods at Hyde) I agree.

LAURIE:

Me, too.

JOANNE:

And me.

HYDE LOOKS TO RED FOR MORAL SUPPORT. THEY BOTH LOOK BEYOND IRRITATED. RED LEANS IN TO HYDE.

RED:

(whispers to Hyde through clenched teeth) Just keep saying to yourself, "Hall of Fame, Hall of Fame"

THE WOMEN ALL STARE AT THE MEN, WAITING.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT. PASTOR DAN'S CONVENTION ROOM IN THE HOTEL. A FEW HOURS LATER. THE COUPLES ARE STILL SITTING IN THEIR CHAIRS. PEOPLE ARE SPLIT UP INTO GROUPS, TALKING. ERIC, DONNA, KELSO AND BROOKE ARE TALKING TO EACH OTHER WHEN PASTOR DAN WALKS UP TO JOIN THEM, HIS HANDS FULL OF PAPERWORK.

PASTOR DAN:

Alright, so I've taken a look at the exams and we're going to go over some of our strengths and weaknesses as couples.

KELSO:

(smiles, proudly, at Brooke) Awesome, we're gonna do great 'cause I'm super strong!

PASTOR DAN:

Michael and Brooke you two are amazingly compatible.

KELSO:

(yells, excited) _Oh yeah!_ (he stops and gets a blank look) Wait. (to Brooke) Is that good?

BROOKE:

(trying not to laugh) That's _very_ good, Michael.

KELSO:

(laughs) _Oh yeah!_

PASTOR DAN:

(to Kelso and Brooke) You respect one another, you communicate well and you appreciate each other.

KELSO:

(pointing at the papers Dan is holding) Does it say anything about a great sex life, 'cause we've got that goin' for us, too.

PASTOR DAN STARTS LOOKING THROUGH SOME DIFFERENT PAPERS, HE TURNS TO ERIC AND DONNA.

PASTOR DAN:

Eric, it looks like you have some difficulty standing up to Donna.

DONNA:

(shocked) What? (she turns in irritation, to Eric) That is _not_ true. Is it, Eric.

ERIC:

(timidly) What she said.

PASTOR DAN:

Here's what we're going to do. We're going to do a little role-playing.

KELSO:

Cool, can Brooke be a sexy stewardess?

PASTOR DAN:

(shakes his head at Kelso) No, not that kind of role-playing. But you get points for creativity.

KELSO:

How many points? Like, are we beating Eric and Donna?

BROOKE:

(politely scolding Kelso) Michael.

KELSO:

What? If we can't win than what's the point of playing?

PASTOR DAN PULLS UP A CHAIR AND JOINS ERIC AND DONNA.

PASTOR DAN:

Now, Donna, you're going to ask Eric to do something you know he doesn't like to do.

KELSO:

(excitedly elbows Donna) Ask him to kill a spider. I wanna see him flip out.

DONNA IGNORES KELSO.

DONNA:

(thinking) Um ... ok, Eric, would you like to go to a feminist rally with me.

ERIC:

(with a shrug) Ok. Why not.

PASTOR DAN:

Now, Eric, do you really _want_ to go to the feminist rally with Donna?

ERIC:

(flatly) No. But I'm not big on confrontation. Oh, and if I don't go she won't let me touch her naughty places.

DONNA:

(pokes Eric in the ribs) Eric! Don't tell him that! He's a minister.

ERIC:

He's still a man, Donna. He understands urges.

PASTOR DAN:

(nods, slowly) Amen, again, brother.

KELSO:

(raising his hand) Excuse me, Pastor Dan, if you're done with Brooke and I can we go use the pool?

BROOKE LAUGHS QUIETLY AND KELSO JUST SHRUGS A "WHAT?"

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. PASTOR DAVE'S CONVENTION ROOM IN THE HOTEL, THE SAME TIME. THE GANG IS STILL GATHERED IN A GROUP. BUT NOW THE MEN ARE GATHERED TOGETHER AND THEIR CHAIRS ARE FACING THE WOMEN.

KITTY:

So, you see, Red, sometimes I'd like for you to just show up with flowers for no reason.

RED:

(quickly) Sounds good.

KITTY:

(pauses, totally taken aback) Really?

RED:

(gives Kitty a smile) Sure. Why not? Bob's got a garden I'll just pick you some on the way home from work.

JACKIE:

(with a heart on her chest) Oh my God, Steven, I would love some flowers.

HYDE DOESN'T REACT. HE JUST SITS, TOTALLY ZEN. JACKIE WAITS FOR A RESPONSE AND BOB LEANS IN TO HYDE.

BOB:

(whispers to Hyde) Hall of Fame, Hall of Fame ...

HYDE:

(flatly, to Jackie) Whatever.

JACKIE SMILES AND CLAPS, EXCITEDLY.

LAURIE:

(with a whine) Fez, I really wish you'd take me out to nice dinners more.

FEZ:

(gives Laurie a sad smile) Of course, my lovely, but you have to order the chicken because that is all we can afford.

JACKIE:

(again with a hand on her heart) Oh my God, Steven, I would love to go out for more nice dinners.

BOB LEANS BACK IN TO HYDE.

BOB:

(whispers to Hyde) I hear they have beer at the Hall of Fame.

HYDE:

(to Jackie) Whatever.

JACKIE JUMPS OUT OF HER CHAIR AND GIVES HYDE A KISS. HYDE GIVES HER HIS BEST DISINTERESTED GRIN. THEN SHE SITS BACK DOWN AS PASTOR DAVE MAKES HIS WAY OVER TO THE GANG.

PASTOR DAVE:

So, how are we doing here?

KITTY:

(gives all the guys a smile) It's amazing I've never seen them more agreeable in my life.

JOANNE:

(looks at the men, skeptically) It's a little odd, actually.

PASTOR DAVE:

It's not odd at all. You just have very emotionally in-tune husbands. (proudly) It's really quite groovy.

HYDE:

(to Pastor Dave) I think we should get a reward.

FEZ:

I agree. Laurie and I will see you all in two days.

FEZ GETS UP AND STARTS TOWARDS LAURIE. RED CATCHES HIM AND YANKS HIM BACK DOWN INTO HIS CHAIR.

RED:

(to Dave) How about a field trip?

HYDE:

(with a fake smile) Say, that's a good idea, Red.

BOB:

Where oh where could we go?

RED:

I've got an idea. How about the Packer Hall of Fame?

PASTOR DAVE'S FACE LIGHTS UP.

PASTOR DAVE:

Ooh, that sounds super. (he looks around at all the other couples and then yells) Um, class dismissed!

THE GUYS, CLEARLY PLEASED BY THEMSELVES, STAND UP AND HEAD TOWARDS THE DOOR. THE WOMEN LOOK A LITTLE CONFUSED AS TO WHAT JUST HAPPENED.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. THE HOTEL RESTAURANT, THAT NIGHT. ERIC AND DONNA ARE SEATED HAVING DINNER.

DONNA:

I thought that "Marriage and Money" lecture was really helpful, didn't you, Eric?

ERIC:

(very sarcastically) Thrilling. Gripping. Better than "Star Wars".

DONNA:

Eric, you don't have to lie to me. I know that you're not having fun talking about your feelings and communication and relationships. Didn't we just talk about this? You're supposed to tell me how you really feel.

ERIC:

(sarcastically) Yeah, see, I do that and then I _feel_ black and blue, because you hit me.

KELSO, HOLDING BETSY, AND BROOKE WALK INTO THE RESTAURANT.

KELSO:

(excitedly) You guys have gotta check out that pool. There's a slide!

ERIC:

Hey, how come you guys weren't at the money lecture?

KELSO:

Oh 'cause we don't have money problems. I just give everything to Brooke and then, if I'm good she lets me buy as many firecrackers as I want.

HYDE AND JACKIE ENTER. HYDE IS HOLDING JAGGER WHO IS WEARING A TINY PACKERS JERSEY. JACKIE HAS LAYLA AND SHE'S WEARING A TINY PACKERS CHEERLEADING OUTFIT. BOB, JOANNE, FEZ, LAURIE, RED AND KITTY ARE FOLLOWING BEHIND THEM. JACKIE, BOB AND KITTY ARE HOLDING SHOPPING BAGS.

HYDE:

(to Kelso and Eric) Hey, check it out. (he holds up Jagger) Little Packer.

JACKIE:

(she holds up Layla and shows off her outfit) Ooh, and a tiny cheerleader. (she hands Brooke a shopping bag) And we got one for our god daughter, too. That way, Betsy and Layla can form their own squad.

BOB REACHES INTO HIS BAG AND PULLS OUT TWO SOUVENIRS, HOLDING THEM UP TO SHOW DONNA.

BOB:

Donna, look what Joanne and I got, little Packers made out of cheese.

ERIC:

So, we had to spend the day talking about why men are bad at intimacy and you guys got to go to the Hall of Fame?

FEZ:

(gloating) Yes. Oh, and our room had pie.

KELSO:

Man, married guys are so lucky.

RED:

There's a sentence that's never been uttered before.

KITTY SHOOTS RED A QUESTIONING LOOK AND HE JUST SMILES.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 5

INT. PASTOR DAVE'S CONVENTION ROOM, TWO DAYS LATER, MORNING. THE ROOM IS DIVIDED INTO GROUPS AGAIN. AS THE OTHER GROUPS TALK AMONGST THEMSELVES, THE GANG IS GATHERED WITH PASTOR DAVE AND PASTOR DAN. THE FOOD TABLE IS BEHIND RED AND HYDE, WHO ARE SITTING NEXT TO EACH OTHER. KELSO AND BROOKE ARE NEXT TO HYDE. KELSO IS HOLDING BETSY WHILE HYDE HAS BOTH OF THE TWINS ON HIS LAP. FEZ AND LAURIE ARE NEXT TO KELSO. BOB, JOANNE, ERIC AND DONNA ARE FACING THE OTHERS. JACKIE AND KITTY ARE SITTING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF RED

PASTOR DAN:

(addressing the gang) As our marriage retreat draws to a close we're going to finish up with a little quiz.

PASTOR DAVE:

I'd like all of the men to tell us a little something you learned about your lady love.

RED:

(quietly, to Hyde) It's gonna be a long ride home if we screw this one up.

PASTOR DAN:

Michael, would you like to go first?

KELSO:

(unsure, he turns to Brooke) Do I wanna go first, Brooke?

BROOKE:

(with a quiet laugh) Sure, Michael.

KELSO:

Ok. (looks around the room for a minute, thinking) Ooh, ooh, I got it! (grins, proudly) I learned that Brooke gets embarrassed when I talk about our sex life. (a beat and then he adds) I learned that while we were foolin' around in the pool.

BROOKE SMILES NERVOUSLY AT THE OTHERS AND KELSO LOOKS EXTREMELY PROUD OF HIMSELF. DAVE CLEARS HIS THROAT, UNCOMFORTABLY.

PASTOR DAVE:

(quickly trying to change the subject) Alright, Fez, how about you?

FEZ:

(nods) Yes. Thank you. (he turns to face Laurie and grabs both of her hands) I learned that my Laurie would like to go out to a restaurant where they have real napkins.

LAURIE:

(a little bitchy) _And_?

FEZ:

Oh yes, _and_ she would like to order the steak.

PASTOR DAVE:

Excellent. Bob?

BOB:

(he gazes at Joanne) I learned that being married to a gal who loves the Packers is the best darn thing in the world.

JOANNE SMILES BACK AT BOB AND THEN HE PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HER.

PASTOR DAVE:

Super cool. (gives them the thumbs-up)

PASTOR DAN:

Eric, what did you learn about Donna?

HYDE:

(quietly, to Kelso) Alright, here's where Forman makes us all laugh.

KELSO:

(to Hyde) Yeah. Good times.

KELSO'S MOUTH HANGS OPEN IN A DOPEY LAUGH AND HYDE GRINS, WAITING FOR ERIC TO PUT HIS FOOT IN HIS MOUTH. ERIC GLANCES AROUND AT THE OTHERS, HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S GOING TO THROW-UP.

ERIC:

(his voice shaking) You know, I guess the most important thing I learned about Donna is ... um ...

KELSO:

(whispers to Hyde) I hope he says something about the size of her feet.

HYDE:

(nodding in agreement) That would be awesome.

ERIC'S NERVOUS EXPRESSION SUDDENLY DISAPPEARS AND HE GIVES DONNA A SINCERE SMILE AND TAKES ONE OF HER HANDS.

ERIC:

I learned that I can't wait to marry her.

DONNA:

(genuinely touched) Eric, oh my God.

DONNA PULLS ERIC TO HER AND THEY KISS. FEZ, HYDE AND KELSO LOOK DISAPPOINTED.

FEZ:

(with a pout) Boo.

PASTOR DAVE:

Alright, Red. Why don't you take a stab at it?

RED:

Fine.

RED SCOWLS AND TURNS TO KITTY, WHO IS SMILING LIKE AN EXCITED LITTLE GIRL. RED'S SCOWL FADES AS HE LOOKS AT KITTY. HE SIGHS AND GIVES HER A SMALL GRIN.

RED:

I learned there is no one I'd rather go to the Packer Hall of Fame with than Kitty.

KITTY STARTS TO CRY. SHE LEANS IN TO GIVE RED A BIG KISS, AND HE LOOKS A LITTLE EMBARRASSED.

KITTY:

Red, that was beautiful.

HYDE:

(gives Red a taunting grin) Nice.

RED:

(to Hyde) Hey, you better come up with something, too, dumbass. 'Cause you are not moving back into my house.

PASTOR DAVE:

Alright, Steven, let's hear about your observation.

KELSO STARTS TO LAUGH LIKE AN IDIOT, EVERYONE STARES AT HIM AND HE STOPS, THEN LOOKS A LITTLE EMBARRASSED.

KELSO:

Oh. Sorry. (he whispers to Brooke) I thought he said _mastur_bation.

JACKIE IS STARING AT HYDE, A FEW SECONDS GO BY AND HE SAYS NOTHING. SHE CROSSES HER ARMS IN FRONT OF HER CHEST AND JUST WAITS. IT'S A STARE-DOWN BETWEEN THE TWO.

HYDE:

(flatly) Yeah, I got nothin'.

JACKIE:

Oh I think you do.

HYDE:

(let's out a loud, annoyed sigh) Fine.

HE PAUSES FOR A FEW SECONDS, THINKING. THEN HE GETS UP, WITH THE TWINS, AND HEADS TO THE FOOD TABLE. HE HAS HIS BACK TO EVERYONE, SO WE CAN'T SEE WHAT HE'S DOING. WHEN HE TURNS AROUND, BOTH OF THE TWINS HAVE A FLOWER IN ONE HAND THAT HYDE HAS STOLEN FROM A VASE ON THE BUFFET TABLE. HE HEADS BACK OVER TOWARDS JACKIE.

JACKIE:

(pointing at the flowers) What? Um, what are those?

HYDE:

What do you mean what are those? What do they look like? They're flowers.

JACKIE:

(with a giddy smile) Oh my God, you're giving me flowers?

HYDE:

No. _I'm_ not giving you flowers. The twins are giving you flowers.

JACKIE:

Well, that's very nice of them.

HYDE:

(Zen) Yeah. They're good kids.

JACKIE ROLLS HER EYES, SLIGHTLY, THEN SHE STANDS UP AND CROSSES TO HYDE. HE RAISES AN EYEBROW AT HER, WAITING. JACKIE PAUSES FOR JUST A SECOND, RETURNING HYDE'S STARE. THEN SHE PULLS HIM TO HER AND GIVES HIM A LONG KISS. ERIC AND FEZ STARE AT HYDE AND JACKIE.

ERIC:

(glaring at Hyde) We need the rule.

FEZ:

(nodding, sadly) Now.

HYDE AND JACKIE CONTINUE TO KISS AS THE OTHER COUPLES TURN THEIR ATTENTION BACK TO EACH OTHER.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

INT. THE HOTEL LOBBY, A SHORT WHILE LATER. PASTOR DAVE IS SAYING GOODBYE TO PEOPLE WHEN HYDE, CARRYING BOTH OF THE TWINS, COMES OUT AND PULLS DAVE ASIDE.

HYDE:

(quietly) Hey, Dave, thanks for tippin' me off to the whole "what did you learn about your wife" thing.

PASTOR DAVE:

Not a problem, Steven. (leans in to Hyde) Now, as per our agreement.

HYDE:

I'll take care of you. You come into my store and you can have all the free Neil Diamond albums you want.

PASTOR DAVE:

Groovy. (he sings) _"Sweet Caroline" _(he pretends like he's playing a trombone) Bah-bah-bah (sings again) _"Good times never seemed so good"_ (bopping back and forth and snapping) Love that Neil.

HYDE JUST SHAKES HIS HEAD AT DAVE.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"Tonight's The Night"

Eric and Donna's wedding day has arrived! Plus, the return of Midge, Grandma Bea, Cousin Penny and more ...


	39. Tonight's The Night Part One

"Tonight's The Night - Part One"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Rod Stewart.

I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disastrous way the show ended. This is episode 9-8. This would be an hour long episode. As always, I recommend listening to the songs featured in the episodes. All of these can be found on youtube.

I am so, so sorry for the delay, but with the holidays I'm doing the best I can :)

Alright, the family members are coming out in full force. After consulting with an advisor (coughluvcalicoughthankyouforeverythingcough) I've made the decision that Penny was Paula's daughter. Remember, Kitty tells Eric that she saw Penny's mother give birth to her. Anyway, that's what I'm going with. Also, if you'll recall Midge has gotten remarried and I've chosen another seventies star to play Midge's husband - John Schneider who was Bo Duke on "The Dukes of Hazzard" and there are some other guests and secrets revealed that will test your knowledge of the show. So, if you're just a casual viewer and not a rabid fan like most of us are, some of these characters are not going to make sense to you. Sorry. To heatherlea, thanks for being my drama queen hehe. And to my buddy, midnight - you'd make a great florist ;)

Thanks for reviewing. You guys are the best!!! I really, really mean that. Wedding cake for everyone. And if you've been reading this story for 38 chapters and haven't reviewed yet, why not make it your New Year's resolution to leave one hehe :)

* * *

ACT 1 

SCENE 1

A BLACK SCREEN READS, "ERIC FORMAN'S BASEMENT"

CUT TO A SECOND BLACK SCREEN THAT READS, "ONE WEEK BEFORE HIS WEDDING"

CUT TO INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, NIGHTTIME. THE GANG IS GATHERED WATCHING TV. ERIC IS IN THE LAWN CHAIR, FURIOUSLY WRITING IN A NOTEBOOK. JACKIE IS SITTING IN HYDE'S CHAIR AND SHE'S ASSEMBLING DONNA'S REHEARSAL BOUQUET MADE OF RIBBONS AND BOWS. HYDE AND KELSO ARE ON THE COUCH PLAYING CARDS. FEZ IS AT THE DEEP FREEZE FISHING OUT A POPSICLE.

ERIC:

(reading out of his notebook) Alright, how about this, "Every day is better because you're in it."

HYDE:

(with a teasing grin) That's good, Forman.

ERIC:

(excited) Really?

HYDE:

No.

ERIC:

Ok. (he goes back to his notebook) How about, "I'm going to spend the rest of my life showing you how much you mean to me."

JACKIE:

(with a snotty smile) Oh, Eric, I forgot to tell you, Hallmark called - they want their crappy wedding vows back.

HYDE LAUGHS AS JACKIE HOLDS HER HAND OUT AND HE GIVES HER "FIVE". ERIC TOSSES HIS NOTEBOOK ON THE COFFEE TABLE, GIVING UP.

ERIC:

That's it. I'm just gonna go buy some wedding vow book and plagiarize something.

KELSO:

(with a dopey laugh) Mention something about her sweet melons. That's super romantic.

JACKIE:

(to Kelso) You idiot. That's not romantic.

KELSO:

Sure it is. Watch. (he gives Jackie a sleazy grin) Jackie, you have the sexiest ass in the world. (with a big smile, waiting for her reaction) See? Romantic, huh.

HYDE LEANS ACROSS THE COUCH AND FROGGS KELSO.

HYDE:

You moron. Quit talking about my wife's ass!

JACKIE:

(to Eric) Now _that's _romantic. (she points at Hyde and Kelso) Steven beating on Michael for me.

ERIC:

Yeah, I don't think that's quite what I'm looking for in wedding vows. "Donna, I love you so much I'm gonna beat on Fez for you."

FEZ CROSSES TO THE COUCH AND SITS ON THE ARM.

FEZ:

(indignant) What? Why me?

ERIC:

(dry) Um ... maybe because you hide in her closet.

FEZ:

(shaking his head) Oh, not since Laurie. (with a gleeful grin) Now, perhaps you suckers should be hiding in my closet. You may learn a few things.

HYDE:

(to Fez) Nothing we couldn't learn by watching "Animal Kingdom", man.

ERIC:

(looking at everyone, totally exasperated) _Hello_? I need help. I have one week to write my vows and so far quoting Air Supply is starting to look like a really good option.

HYDE:

(stares at Eric in disgust) Air Supply, Forman?

ERIC:

(with a smile) Yeah, you know, "Girl, you're every woman in the world to me. You're my fantasy, you're my reality."

FEZ:

(nodding) Not bad, not bad.

KELSO:

(with a sleazy grin) Throw in something about her super hot rack and it's practically Shakespeare.

JACKIE:

(sighing) Alright, Eric, because Donna is my best friend and I love her - I'm going to help you.

ERIC:

(raising a brow, skeptically) Is this like the time you offered to help me pick out Donna's birthday present and instead you ended up doing it with Hyde in the dressing room at Halvorson's?

HYDE:

(with a wicked smile and a nod) That was the best trip to the mall, ever.

FEZ:

(staring at Hyde) All these years ... I should have been hiding in Hyde's closet.(bitterly) Dammit.

ERIC CLAPS AND THROWS HIS HANDS UP IN THE AIR IN EXCITEMENT.

ERIC:

What about mentioning one of the qualities I love most about Donna. (using his cheesy hand gestures) For example: "I can't wait to spend every night of my life with you. Because your feet are always warm."

ERIC LOOKS AT THE GANG, EXPECTANTLY. THEY ALL STARE BACK AT HIM LIKE HE'S CRAZY.

HYDE:

I think you've got a better chance with the Air Supply thing.

JACKIE LAUGHS AT ERIC AND ERIC HANGS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS, SADLY.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, THE NEXT MORNING. EVERYONE IS GATHERED FOR BREAKFAST. RED, HYDE, ERIC AND JACKIE ARE SEATED. LAYLA AND JAGGER ARE IN HIGH CHAIRS NEAR JACKIE AND HYDE. KITTY IS AT THE COUNTER FIXING SOME MORE FOOD.

KITTY:

Red, now remember, you have to pick up my mother and my sister and Penny at the airport tomorrow.

ERIC:

(giving Red a sarcastic smirk) Ooh. _That_ sounds fun.

RED:

(to Eric) Shut it.

KITTY CROSSES TO THE TABLE AND SETS OUT MORE FOOD.

KITTY:

Eric, what time are Midge and her husband getting in?

ERIC:

Tonight at 7:00. (very sarcastically) I'm super excited. It should be a real treat to have Donna's constantly bickering parents and both of their new spouses under one roof. It'll be like Hiroshima, but without the fun of radiation.

KITTY SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE.

KITTY:

(explaining to everyone) Now, my mother is going to stay in Laurie's room, Uncle Marty is going to sleep in Eric's room.

ERIC:

(interrupting Kitty) What? Where am I supposed to sleep?

RED:

(to Eric) You can sleep in Steven's room.

ERIC:

(shrugs) Ok, but if I wake up with curly hair, sunglasses and a hatred of all things political it's your fault.

KITTY:

(pauses like she's thinking) Who does that leave?

ERIC:

Aunt Paula.

RED:

Your aunt is staying at Laurie's. We're trying to keep some distance between your mother and her sister. That way your mother won't have a nervous breakdown.

ERIC:

(under his breath) Too late.

KITTY GLARES AT HYDE AND ERIC, HYDE QUICKLY POINTS THE FINGER AT ERIC.

HYDE:

_He _said it.

KITTY:

Oh my goodness, I completely forgot. Where is Penny going to stay?

ERIC:

(with a scowl) How about Schotzie's kennel?

KITTY:

(hopefully) Steven, I don't suppose Penny can stay with you and Jackie?

HYDE:

(to Kitty) Is this one of those questions where you ask me like I have a choice but really I don't?

KITTY:

(smiles) Yes.

HYDE:

(nods) Ok. Just so I know.

KITTY GETS BACK UP AND GOES BACK TO THE COUNTER FOR MORE FOOD.

JACKIE:

(gives Kitty a frown) Yeah, I think I have a problem with this.

KITTY:

Jackie, please? I hate to think of poor, sweet Penny all alone in a hotel room.

JACKIE:

(under her breath) Girls like her are _never_ alone in a hotel room.

KITTY LOOKS UP, LIKE SHE'S GOING TO LOSE IT. EVERYONE LOOKS EXTREMELY NERVOUS. HYDE POINTS TO JACKIE.

HYDE:

(quickly) She said it!

JACKIE GIVES HYDE A SMACK ON THE ARM.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. GROOVES, THAT AFTERNOON. THERE ARE A FEW CUSTOMERS MILLING AROUND THE STORE AND HYDE IS CROSSING TO THE LISTENING PIT WHERE FEZ, KELSO AND ERIC ARE GATHERED. _"CASEY JONES" _BY THE GRATEFUL DEAD IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

ERIC:

(to the guys) You know what? I'm not writing any stupid vows. I'm just going to promise the basics - I'll take out the trash, I won't make out with anyone else, and I'll try not to leave my dirty underwear laying around.

FEZ:

What about loving her for the rest of your life?

ERIC:

(with a contemplative nod) Oh that's good. Hey, Fez, you wanna write my vows?

HYDE:

(nonchalantly) Speaking of not making out with anyone else, Jackie doesn't know about the whole me and Penny thing from the last time she was here.

ERIC:

(taunting Hyde) You mean how you and my cousin were sucking face in the basement.

HYDE:

(flatly) Yeah. That. So, since I wasn't even with Jackie then, there's really no need to tell her. I mean, not that I'm afraid she'd get mad or anything. I just don't want to bother her with it. You know. Just in case.

ERIC:

Just in case she decides to murder you if she finds out?

HYDE:

(with a nod) Exactly.

KELSO:

(laughing) Hyde, I can't believe you made out with Eric's cousin. That's just wrong.

FEZ:

Yes. (he pouts) She should have made out with _me_.

KELSO:

No, it's wrong 'cause Eric and Hyde are basically brothers and that makes Penny Hyde's cousin, too. And, there's only one time it's ok to make out with your cousin - if she's Daisy Duke. (he gets a huge grin on his face) Man, Bo and Luke are so lucky.

KELSO GETS THAT FAR AWAY LOOK AND WE DISSOLVE INTO HIS "DUKES OF HAZZARD" FANTASY. THE THEME SONG STARTS TO PLAY IN THE BACKGROUND. THE GENERAL LEE IS PARKED IN FRONT OF THE DUKE'S FARM. HYDE AND ERIC ARE STANDING NEAR THEIR CAR PRACTICING SHOOTING BOWS. HYDE IS LUKE AND ERIC IS BO. BOB COMES OUT OF THE FARM HOUSE CARRYING TWO LARGE JUGS OF MOONSHINE, HE IS UNCLE JESSE. EVERYONE SPEAKS WITH A SOUTHERN ACCENT.

BOB:

(to Hyde and Eric) You boys ready to make a run?

ERIC:

(with a nod) We sure are, Uncle Jesse.

HYDE:

As soon as the General's ready.

THE GUYS SET THEIR BOWS DOWN AND HEAD OVER TO THE GENERAL LEE

HYDE:(cont'd)

(to "Cooter" under the car) How's it goin' Cooter?

"COOTER" WHEELS OUT FROM UNDERNEATH THE CAR AND IT'S DONNA.

DONNA:

(wiping grease off of her face) Y'all are ready to roll.

ERIC:

Hot Damn, let's go!

ERIC GRABS THE MOONSHINE JUGS FROM BOB AND HEADS TOWARDS THE CAR AS HYDE DISAPPEARS. DONNA STANDS UP, BRUSHING HERSELF OFF WHILE RED, AS BOSS HOGG, KELSO, AS ROSCOE, AND FEZ, AS ENOS, APPEAR. KELSO IS HOLDING SCHOTZIE, WHO IS FLASH.

RED:

(yelling after Eric) You Duke boys wait one dag-blasted minute. You're under arrest.

KELSO:

(laughing "Roscoe-style") I love it, I love it!

FEZ:

(shyly, to Eric) Hey, Bo, is Daisy around?

RED:

(pointing after Eric) Roscoe, Enos - Get those Dukes!

ERIC TAKES OFF IN A RUN AND FEZ RELUCTANTLY GOES AFTER HIM.

KELSO:

(to Red) Here, Boss, hold Flash.

KELSO HANDS SCHOTZIE TO RED AND THEN RUNS AFTER ERIC.

ERIC:

(calling out to Hyde, who is nowhere to be found) Luke, we've got trouble.

KELSO AND FEZ CHASE AFTER ERIC. RED AND BOB GET INVOLVED AND FOR A MINUTE, EVERYONE IS CHASING AFTER EVERYONE. DONNA GETS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SCUFFLE TRYING TO HELP ERIC. ERIC MANAGES TO GET AWAY FROM THE BUMBLING KELSO AND FEZ. THE SCUFFLE ENDS WITH RED SLIPPING IN SOME MUD AND LANDING IN A PILE OF HEY AND KELSO AND FEZ FALLING OVER A FENCE INTO AN ANIMAL PEN. LOOKING AROUND FOR HYDE, ERIC JUMPS UP ONTO THE HOOD OF THE GENERAL LEE AND SLIDES ACROSS.

ERIC:

Dang it, where's Luke?

SUDDENLY, A PLANK OF WOOD THAT HAS BEEN STANDING UPRIGHT FALLS OVER - REVEALING HYDE AND JACKIE, AS DAISY, MAKING OUT, HYDE'S HANDS PLANTED FIRMLY ON JACKIE'S "DAISY DUKE" COVERED REAR-END. HYDE AND JACKIE LOOK A LITTLE GUILTY AT BEING CAUGHT AND EVERYONE ELSE STARES AT THEM IN TOTAL SHOCK.

DONNA:

(to Jackie) Daisy?

BOB:

(to Hyde) Luke?

ERIC:

(with disgust) Oh for God's sakes, y'all are cousins.

HYDE:

(grinning at Jackie) I can't help it, it's those little shorts.

HYDE GIVES JACKIE ONE FINAL KISS AND A PAT ON THE BUTT, THEN HE RUNS TO THE GENERAL AND CLIMBS IN THROUGH THE WINDOW.

JACKIE:

(yelling after Hyde and Eric) Y'all be careful, ya here?

ERIC AND HYDE PEEL OUT IN THE GENERAL LEE.

ERIC:

(yelling off-camera) Yeeeeeeee-haaaaaaw!

THE DIXIE HORN SOUNDS AS JACKIE, BOB AND DONNA WATCH THE BOYS DRIVE OFF

FADE OUT OF KELSO'S FANTASY BACK TO INT. GROOVE'S

KELSO:

(with an enormous smile) Now _that's_ a cousin you can make out with, Hyde.

HYDE:

(looking a little anxious) Man, I've gotta get Jackie some of those shorts.

ERIC:

(very annoyed, to Kelso) Cooter? You made Donna Cooter?

KELSO:

(to Eric) Dude, if I would've put Donna in those little shorts she'd kick my ass.

HYDE GOES BACK TO THE COUNTER.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. PINCIOTTI LIVING ROOM, THAT NIGHT. RED, KITTY, BOB AND JOANNE ARE GATHERED AND ALL DRESSED UP FOR A PARTY. BOB IS AT THE BAR MIXING DRINKS AND JOANNE IS SETTING FOOD OUT ON THE TABLE. RED AND KITTY ARE SEATED AT THE COUCH, HAVING A DRINK. _"YOU'RE NOBODY 'TIL SOMEBODY LOVES YOU" _BY DEAN MARTIN PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

KITTY:

(smiling at Joanne) Thank you so much for having us over for your fancy cocktail party. I feel like a Kennedy.

RED:

(snidely) That's probably because we drink like them.

BOB:

(giving Joanne a big grin) Joanne wanted to make a good impression on Midge and her new husband.

JOANNE:

(in shock and excited at the same time) I heard, in California, they have champagne for breakfast. They just mix it right in with their OJ.

KITTY:

(with a gasp) Ooh, that's a wonderful idea.

JOANNE:

And they have something called sushi. So I made some. (holding up a plate)

RED:

(looking at the food with a scowl on his face) What the hell is it?

JOANNE:

(proudly) Raw fish and seaweed.

EVERYONE'S FACE FALLS AS THE STARE AT THE PLATE OF SUSHI. RED LOOKS REALLY CRANKY.

RED:

(to Kitty) That's why California is filled with fruits and looneys. Because they eat crap like that.

DONNA AND ERIC ENTER, THEY BOTH LOOK INCREDIBLY ON EDGE.

DONNA:

(gives everyone a weak smile) We're here.

BOB COMES OUT FROM BEHIND THE BAR AND CROSSES TO DONNA.

BOB:

(to Donna and Eric) How was the ride from the airport?

ERIC:

(quickly) Great. Yeah, I'm gonna need a beer, like, now.

MIDGE AND HER HUSBAND ENTER, RED AND KITTY STAND WHEN THEY COME IN. MIDGE PAUSES AND WAITS IN THE DOORWAY, LIKE SHE WANTS TO MAKE SURE PEOPLE RECOGNIZE HER.

MIDGE:

Hi everybody, it's me. (a beat) Midge.

DONNA:

(a little exasperated) Mom, we talked about this, remember? They know who you are.

MIDGE:

(gazing at her husband) And this is my husband, Marsh.

KITTY:

(whispers to Red) Did she say _Marsh_?

RED:

(annoyed) What did I tell you - fruits and looneys.

MIDGE:

(to Marsh) This is my ex-husband, Bob. (she frowns) You know, the one I told you about.

BOB STEPS FORWARD AND MARSH HOLDS OUT HIS HAND WHICH BOB SHAKES.

MARSH:

(with a huge, cocky grin) Hi Bob. I'm Marsh Matthews. I'm from Hollywood.

MIDGE:

(very spacey) That's a real place. It's not just in the movies.

BOB:

Nice to meet you, Marsh. This is my wife Joanne.

JOANNE WALKS UP TO JOIN BOB AND BOB PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HER.

JOANNE:

(shaking Marsh's hand and then Midge's) I'm from the woods in Wisconsin. Not as glamourous, but just as real.

MIDGE POINTS TO RED AND KITTY.

MIDGE:

And this is Red and Kitty, they're Eric's parents.

MARSH STEPS FORWARD TO SHAKE RED'S HAND.

MARSH:

Hi. I'm Marsh Matthews. I'm from Hollywood.

RED:

(flatly) We heard.

KITTY:

(not quite sure what to say to Marsh and Midge) Well, you two, are just ... you're so blonde and tan. It's like a watching a Coppertone commercial. (she laughs)

MARSH:

(puts his arm around Eric) Eric and I had a great talk about the box office success of "The Empire Strikes Back". I think he could have a real future as a model maker for George Lucas' company.

ERIC:

(suddenly, very excited) Yeah, did you know, in Hollywood, there are professional model makers? All these years I could've been earning a living making models.

RED:

(to Eric) Or being a dumbass. You're pretty good at that, too.

BOB:

(gestures to the couch) Well, should we sit down for a drink?

MIDGE:

(angrily, to Bob) I'd rather stand.

DONNA:

(quietly, to Eric) ) Here we go.

BOB:

(annoyed) Stand, sit, upside-down. It doesn't really matter to me, Midge.

MIDGE:

(to Marsh) See what I mean, he never cared about my feelings. In California, people aren't afraid of their feelings, Bob.

BOB:

(getting a little more worked up) Of course not. Because they're too busy worrying they're going to get sucked into the ocean when that giant earthquake hits.

MARSH:

(with a huge, cheesy smile completely ignoring the fight) We made a movie about that, you know.

RED:

Kitty, (he points to the sushi) give me one of those fish things. Maybe, if we're lucky, I'll get food poisoning and we'll have to spend the night in the emergency room.

WHILE BOB AND MIDGE STARE EACH OTHER DOWN, RED AND ERIC BOTH START SLAMMING THEIR BEERS AND KITTY LOOKS LIKE SHE'S ABOUT TO CRY.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, THE NEXT MORNING. KITTY IS NERVOUSLY PACING WHILE HOLDING LAYLA AND HAVING A GLASS OF JUICE. HYDE HAS JAGGER AND HE'S IN RED'S CHAIR. JACKIE AND LAURIE ARE ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV. RED ENTERS, HE DOESN'T ACKNOWLEDGE ANYONE, HE JUST HEADS STRAIGHT FOR THE DEN.

KITTY:

(to Red) Are they here?

RED:

Yes. And you're not allowed to ask me for another favor for the next five years.

RED EXITS INTO THE DEN. PAULA ENTERS AND HOLDS OUT HER ARMS TO KITTY.

PAULA:

Kitty!

KITTY:

Paula!

THEY RUN TOWARDS EACH OTHER TO HUG, BUT PAULA STOPS KITTY AND POINTS TO LAYLA

PAULA:

(slightly snide) Uh-oh. Did Laurie have a baby?

KITTY:

(gives a fake laugh and then frowns, sadly) Steven, sweetie, will you go help Grandma with her bags.

HYDE GETS UP AND HEADS TO THE DOOR AS GRANDMA BEA ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN.

BEA:

(with an injured look) Kitty, did you just call me a bag?

KITTY:

What? (a little flustered) No, I ... I was ...

BEA:

(pointing to Layla) Did Laurie have a baby?

KITTY:

(smiles through gritted teeth) We are just _so_ glad to have you here, Mom.

BEA:

Well, it was getting too hot in Florida. I had to go _somewhere_.

KITTY:

Isn't that just ... oh forget it. (quietly, to Laurie) Laurie, get mommy some champagne to go with her orange juice.

LAURIE GRABS KITTY'S GLASS AND HEADS TOWARDS THE KITCHEN. SHE STOPS WHEN FEZ WALKS INTO THE LIVING ROOM CARRYING A BAG AND FOLLOWED BY PENNY. LAURIE LOOKS, FIRST, AT PENNY THEN AT FEZ.

LAURIE:

Fez? What are you doing?

FEZ:

(timidly) Carrying your cousin's bags?

LAURIE:

Drop 'em or no nookie tonight.

FEZ TURNS TO PENNY AND HOLDS OUT HER BAG

FEZ:

(to Penny) Sorry, you will need to carry your own bags. I have needs.

PENNY TAKES THE BAG FROM FEZ AND STARTS LOOKING THROUGH IT.

PENNY:

(to Paula) Mom, where's my moisturizer?

FEZ REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND LAURIE GLARES AT HIM

LAURIE:

(to Fez) Don't even think about it.

FEZ, VERY GUILTILY TAKES HIS HAND OUT OF HIS POCKET AND HE AND LAURIE HEAD INTO THE KITCHEN. KITTY CALLS OUT TO PENNY, EXCITEDLY.

KITTY:

Penny!

PENNY:

(holding her arms out) Aunt Kitty!

PENNY RUSHES TO KITTY AND GIVES HER A HUGE HUG.

KITTY:

Oops, careful, don't squish little Layla.

PENNY PULLS BACK FROM KITTY AND POINTS AT LAYLA

PENNY:

Did Laurie have a baby?

KITTY'S SMILE FALLS AND SHE HANDS LAYLA TO HYDE

KITTY:

(hisses at Hyde) Layla doesn't even _look_ like Laurie.

KITTY STORMS OFF INTO THE KITCHEN. PENNY TURNS TO STARE AT HYDE WHO IS NOW HOLDING LAYLA AND JAGGER

PENNY:

(trying to flirt) Hey, Hyde.

HYDE:

(under his breath) Dammit.

PENNY:

(pointing to the twins) Oh my God, are these your kids?

HYDE:

(flatly) Yep. Well, gotta go.

HYDE TURNS TO HEAD INTO THE KITCHEN AND PENNY STOPS HIM. JACKIE SEES PENNY TALKING TO HYDE AND GETS UP TO JOIN THEIR CONVERSATION

PENNY:

They are so adorable. They have your eyes, and your hair, (a beat) and your lips.

JACKIE LOOKS A LITTLE CONFUSED AND HYDE STARTS LAUGHING, NERVOUSLY, LIKE AN IDIOT

HYDE:

(quickly) What? That's just, that's ... Jackie, you wanna go to the mall?

HYDE STARTS TO GO AND JACKIE GRABS HIM BY THE ELBOW AND STOPS HIM, THEN SHE TURNS BACK TO PENNY AND GIVES HER A NASTY LOOK.

JACKIE:

Alright, Penny, you're staying with us and just to let you know, we have a dress code in our house. Sweats only on house guests.

PENNY:

(indicating Jackie and Hyde) You two live together?

JACKIE ROLLS HER EYES AT PENNY AND THEN HOLDS UP HER AND HYDE'S HANDS TO SHOW THEIR WEDDING RINGS.

JACKIE:

_Hello_? Married.

JACKIE STORMS OFF INTO THE KITCHEN AND HYDE WATCHES HER GO WITH A GRIN.

PENNY:

(very sarcastically) She's sweet.

HYDE:

(with a nod) Sweet enough for me.

HYDE HOLDING BOTH BABIES EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN, LEAVING PENNY BY HERSELF.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 6

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, THE NEXT DAY. THE ENTIRE GANG IS GATHERED. HYDE IS IN HIS CHAIR WITH JACKIE ON HIS LAP. KELSO AND BROOKE ARE ON THE COUCH AND LAURIE IS IN THE LAWN CHAIR WITH FEZ SITTING NEXT TO HER ON THE HOPPITY-HOP. DONNA IS STANDING AT THE STEREO, LOOKING THROUGH THE MUSIC AND ERIC IS SITTING ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH.

HYDE:

So, Donna, what do you think of your mom's new husband?

DONNA:

I don't know ... all I can think about when I look at the two of them together is - it's like Barbie and Ken have come to life.

ERIC:

Uh-oh, if Barbie came to life I guess GI Joe better hope he gets a week-end leave pass. (he laughs at himself)

DONNA:

Next I get to meet my new step-sister. I feel like Hyde with all these new family members.

HYDE:

(grinning) It's a trip, ain't it.

JACKIE:

(to Donna) Wait? You've never met Joanne's daughter before?

DONNA:

(shaking her head) No. She lives with Joanne's ex-husband and apparently she and Joanne don't get along that well.

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes) I'm sure you'll love her, she's probably some no-bra-wearing, no-leg-shaving no-"Charlie's Angels"-watching feminist.

LAURIE:

(wrinkles up her face in disgust) Eww ... Donna you don't shave your legs?

DONNA:

Of course I shave my legs.

ERIC:

(grinning at Donna) Well, there was that one week I went to Iowa with my folks.

DONNA:

(exasperated) _God_, one time!

THE BASEMENT DOOR OPENS AND JOANNE ENTERS, THERE IS A GIRL STANDING BEHIND HER. THE GANG ALL TURNS TO WATCH JOANNE.

JOANNE:

(with a smile) Donna, I'd like you to meet my daughter -

JOANNE STEPS ASIDE AND REVEALS THAT THE GIRL WITH HER IS CHLOE, THE SLURPEE SLUT.

ERIC:

(interrupting) Chloe?

FEZ:

Slurpee girl?

DONNA:

(stunned) Oh my God.

KELSO:

(with a huge open-mouthed grin) I think they've met.

HYDE:

(with a huge grin) This is one of those moments when I like to just sit back and watch Forman crumble.

A FEW SECONDS PASS AS ERIC AND DONNA STARE AT CHLOE AND THE REST OF THE GANG WATCHES IN AMUSEMENT.

JOANNE:

(looking at Chloe in confusion) Do you all know each other?

CHLOE:

(smiling) I know Eric.

KELSO:

(with an obnoxious laugh) _Oh yeah!_

ERIC'S SHOULDER'S SLUMP AND HE LOOKS TOTALLY DEFEATED. DONNA LOOKS LIKE SHE'S ABOUT TO EXPLODE.

DONNA:

(horrified) I can't believe this. I can't believe my almost husband has made out with my step-sister. I feel like we're in "Deliverance".

ERIC:

(quickly) Ok, but to be fair to me, when I fooled around with Chloe she wasn't your step-sister.

DONNA:

What do you mean fooled around with? I thought you said you just kissed her.

HYDE:

(grinning) How to screw yourself by Eric Forman, (a beat) Step 1: Choose your words poorly.

ERIC:

(stuttering) What I meant to say was when I kissed you step-sister, I mean, when I hugged your step-sister ... not a big hug more of just a pressing. (he demonstrates)

HYDE:

Step 2: Find a shovel and dig yourself a huge hole.

JOANNE:

Oh dear. (looking uncomfortably back and forth between Donna and Chloe) This is a little awkward. (a beat) Well, you kids have fun.

JOANNE EXITS AND CHLOE GIVES DONNA A VERY APPREHENSIVE SMILE.

CHLOE:

So. Donna. I thought maybe tonight we could paint each other's nails and give each other facials.

JACKIE:

Oh my God, Donna, I love your sister.

DONNA GLARES AT JACKIE. AND JACKIE SLOWLY NODS IN UNDERSTANDING.

JACKIE:(cont'd)

Riiiight. (quietly) Skank.

DONNA TURNS TO ERIC.

DONNA:

Eric, how could you not know Chloe was Joanne's daughter? I mean, didn't you two talk about anything in between groping each other.

ERIC:

Not really.

HYDE:

Step 3: Jump into the previously mentioned large hole and wait for the end of time.

KELSO:

(laughing he points at Hyde) This is almost as bad as you making out with Penny.

JACKIE'S EYES GO WIDE AS HYDE LOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO KILL KELSO.

JACKIE:

(she turns to look at Hyde) Excuse me?

KELSO:

(his smile falls) Oh. Jackie still didn't know about that, huh?

FEZ:

(shaking his head sadly at Hyde) Oh Hyde, you had better hope there is room for you in Eric's hole.

JACKIE STARES AT HYDE, TOTALLY SPEECHLESS WHILE DONNA STARTS PACING BEHIND THE COUCH. EVERYONE WAITS WITH BAITED BREATH, WATCHING THE TWO COUPLES.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING.

JACKIE:

(fuming) You and Penny ... you and Penny ... you and Penny?

FEZ:

(to Jackie) Spit it out, woman, Hyde and Penny made out. We don't have all day here. We have Eric and Donna's fight to watch, too.

HYDE:

Jackie, you can't seriously be mad at me for this.

KELSO:

(to Hyde) Dude, even _I_ know that's the wrong thing to say.

JACKIE GETS UP OUT OF HYDE'S LAP AND CROSSES BEHIND THE COUCH TO STAND NEAR DONNA.

JACKIE:

Steven, I don't know where to start. I literally don't have the words.

DONNA:

I do. (she points at the guys) You guys are whores! That's right, I said it, whores!

LAURIE STANDS UP AND STARES DOWN AT FEZ ON HIS HOPPITY-HOP.

LAURIE:

Fez, even though you've done nothing wrong I'm mad at you because you are a man.

FEZ:

(shocked) What? (shaking his head at her) You cannot be mad at me. I ... I'm _barely_ a man.

JACKIE:

(sputtering) I'm gonna go ... have some of Mrs. Forman's special orange juice.

JACKIE HEADS TOWARDS THE STAIRS.

HYDE:

Jackie, come on, you're being ridiculous.

SHE STOPS AND TURNS TO YELL AT HYDE.

JACKIE:

Steven, do you _ever_ get tired of saying the wrong thing?

HYDE:

(yelling after Jackie) I stick with what works, baby.

JACKIE STORMS OFF UPSTAIRS AND DONNA HEADS TOWARDS THE BASEMENT DOOR.

ERIC:

Donna, wait, where are you going?

DONNA:

I'm gonna go hang out with my dad and my step-mom and my mom and my step-dad. (she nods) That's right. I'd rather hang out with Ma and Pa Ingalls and Barbie and Ken than you.

DONNA EXITS FOLLOWED BY LAURIE. BROOKE LOOKS AROUND AT THE GUYS, GIVING THEM A WEAK SMILE. THE BASEMENT DOOR OPENS BACK UP AND IT'S LAURIE.

LAURIE:

Brooke?!

LAURIE HOLDS THE DOOR OPEN AND WAITS FOR BROOKE.

BROOKE:

(quickly) Um, ok. Michael, I think I better go along and chaperone.

KELSO:

(very cocky) Aren't you glad you're with me instead of one of these losers? (he points to the other guys)

BROOKE GIVES KELSO A QUICK KISS AND EXITS WITH LAURIE LEAVING BEHIND THE GUYS AND A VERY CONFUSED LOOKING CHLOE

CHLOE:

(to the guys) Wow. I had no idea your lives were so dramatic.

DONNA BURSTS BACK IN AND GRABS CHLOE AND STARTS TO DRAG HER OUT OF THE BASEMENT

CHLOE:

(to Donna) Oh my God, does this mean you like me?

DONNA:

(to Chloe) No. It means I don't trust you enough to leave you alone with Eric.

DONNA DRAGS CHLOE OUT THE BASEMENT DOOR AND SLAMS IT BEHIND HER. HYDE LOOKS PISSED, ERIC LOOKS LIKE HE'S GOING TO JUMP OUT OF HIS SKIN AND FEZ LOOKS VERY, VERY SAD. KELSO SMILES AT ALL OF THEM, VERY PROUD OF HIMSELF.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S LIVING ROOM, A SHORT WHILE LATER. AN ICE CREAM CIRCLE. THE SONG, _"JOLENE"_ BY DOLLY PARTON PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

DONNA:

Ok, it's official. My life has become a country song. I have two moms and two dads that are gonna get drunk and kill each other. _And_, I'm getting married to a man that made out with my step-sister. (hyperventilating) Oh God, I can't breathe. (she starts to sing in a very bad, twangy southern accent) _"Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, I'm beggin' of you please don't take my_ _man." _Hey? (flipping through a stack of records) Where the hell did you get all these country albums?

PAN TO JACKIE

JACKIE:

(with a dismissive wave) It's the weirdest thing, there was a huge stack of them in the back of Steven's closet.

PAN TO LAURIE

LAURIE:

Relax, Donna, no one's taking Eric anywhere. (rolling her eyes) Unless it's to some comic book convention.

PAN TO BROOKE

BROOKE:

(sweetly) You guys, can't you just forgive Eric and Hyde? I mean, they seem really sorry.

PAN TO DONNA

DONNA:

Brooke, I love you and you're real sweet but you've got to try to keep up here. (she looks horrified) Eric made out with my step-sister. That's like, so ... what's the word I'm looking for Jackie?

PAN TO JACKIE

JACKIE:

(matter-of-fact) Steven is a jerk!

PAN TO DONNA

DONNA:

Yeah, Steven is a jerk! (she stops) No. Wait. What was I talking about?

PAN TO JACKIE

JACKIE:

(with a huff) You know what I should do?

PAN TO LAURIE

LAURIE:

(with an evil smile) What?

PAN TO JACKIE

JACKIE:

No. I'm asking you guys. (she looks around the whole circle) Do you know what I should do?

PAN TO LAURIE

LAURIE:

(angrily) Cut him off.

PAN TO JACKIE

JACKIE:

I wanna punish _him_, Laurie. Not _me_. (she gasps) But hey, that would be a good idea for Donna. (excited, she turns to Donna) Cut Eric off, Donna.

PAN TO DONNA

DONNA:

(she sings) _"Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, please don't take him just because you can._"

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. PINCIOTTI LIVING ROOM, THAT NIGHT. DONNA AND CHLOE ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE, CHLOE IS READING A MAGAZINE AND DONNA IS SITTING STARING AT THE WALL, LOOKING PISSED. BOB AND JOANNE ARE SITTING ON CHAIRS AND MARSH AND MIDGE ARE ON THE COUCH. THE ROOM IS DEADLY QUIET AND VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

BOB:

(with a weak smile) So, Marsh, what do you think of Wisconsin?

MARSH:

Lots of cows. (a beat) I worked on a movie once with cows.

JOANNE:

(grins sarcastically) Wow. That must have been scary for you.

MARSH:

(not getting it) Oh they were Hollywood cows. Not wild cows like you have here.

BOB:

I took Jojo cow tipping once. (he gives Joanne a huge smile) 'Member, honey?

MIDGE:

(angrily, to Bob) Oh sure. When _we_ were married you never took me anywhere.

DONNA:

Ok, as much fun as this is, I'm gonna go sit in my room.

DONNA GETS UP TO LEAVE.

BOB:

Donna, I put the cot back in your room for Chloe to sleep on.

DONNA:

What?

CHLOE:

(quickly) That's ok, I'll sleep on the couch.

BOB:

(he grins at the girls) No, you're Donna's step-sister and you two need to spend some time together.

MIDGE:

(yells at Bob) Maybe Donna doesn't want to spend time with her, did you ever think about that, Bob? God, you're such an ass!

DONNA:

(rolling her eyes) Never mind. I'd love to spend time with her. Let's go, Chloe.

DONNA GRABS CHLOE'S HAND AND PULLS HER OUT OF THE ROOM. MORE UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE.

MARSH:

You know, I worked on a movie once about step-sisters. (a beat) They didn't get along, either.

BOB SIGHS SADLY WHILE JOANNE PATS HIM ON THE LEG.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, THE NEXT MORNING. RED, MARTY, LAURIE, FEZ AND BEA ARE EATING BREAKFAST. ERIC AND PENNY ARE EATING AT THE BREAKFAST BAR. KITTY IS POURING JUICE INTO PEOPLE'S GLASSES AND PAULA IS HELPING HER COOK.

MARTY:

(smiling at Red) Red, I have missed you so much. We're losing touch with each other and we can't let that happen.

RED:

(he frowns) Marty, don't make me kick your ass at the table. This is where I eat.

KITTY:

(putting on a smile) So, Mom, how are you liking Florida?

BEA:

Your sister has a beautiful house. You know, Kitty, you should let Paula make some changes around here. She has wonderful taste.

KITTY'S FACE FALLS AND ERIC STANDS UP TO GO.

ERIC:

Yeah, I think I'm just gonna skip breakfast.

BEA:

What if_ I_ cook something for you, Eric? I bet you'd love to have some decent food, for a change.

ERIC HEADS TOWARDS THE BASEMENT.

ERIC:

I'll be downstairs. (under his breath) Waiting for this week to end.

PAULA:

Penny, why don't you go downstairs and hang out with your cousins?

PENNY:

(with a huge smile) Is Hyde down there?

RED:

(hanging his head in his hands) Oh for the love of God.

KITTY:

(smiles, sadly, at Paula) I think she should probably just stay up here.

BEA:

(loud and slowly, to Fez, like she's speaking to someone who doesn't understand English) I'd like another cup of coffee.

FEZ:

(with a sneer, to Bea) Try to get this through your head - I am not the butler, I am not the house boy, I am Laurie's husband. _Her husband!_ Entiendes, abuela?

FEZ STANDS UP AND STOMPS OFF INTO THE BASEMENT.

BEA:

(giving Laurie a smile) I like him, Laurie. He reminds me of Ricky Ricardo. What is he? Cuban?

LAURIE ROLLS HER EYES AND IGNORES BEA.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 5

EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY, THAT NIGHT. ERIC AND FEZ, ARE PLAYING BASKETBALL WHILE KELSO AND HYDE, HOLDING LAYLA, ARE LEANED UP AGAINST THE CRUISER HAVING A BEER. LAURIE AND JACKIE, HOLDING JAGGER, ARE SITTING ON THE PORCH. DONNA WALKS OVER FROM HER HOUSE.

ERIC:

(to Donna, trying to be sympathetic) So, how's it going at home?

DONNA:

(dripping with sarcasm) Well, Marsh doesn't have a daughter so if you were hoping to make out with another one of my step-sisters, you're out of luck.

DONNA WALKS AWAY FROM ERIC TO GO JOIN JACKIE AND LAURIE ON THE PORCH.

ERIC:

(with fake laughter he calls after Donna) Haha ... haha, good one, Donna. (he turns to Fez and frowns) Crap.

FEZ:

(smiling) Oh Eric, I never tire of watching Donna burn you. She is like the pi of burning you. Her burns are infinite.

PENNY COMES OUT FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE AND STANDS LOOKING AT LAURIE AND JACKIE.

LAURIE:

(with a bitchy sneer) Wow, Jackie, I knew they made a Malibu Barbie and Stewardess Barbie, but I didn't know they made a Trampy Barbie.

JACKIE LAUGHS AND PENNY SHOOTS LAURIE A DIRTY LOOK.

PENNY:

(with fake sweetness) Will you toss me a beer, Jacks?

JACKIE:

(giving Penny attitude) No. But I'll toss you out on your skanky butt. And don't call me, "Jacks". I hate that stupid name.

PENNY STOMPS INSIDE IN A HUFF. JACKIE GETS UP OFF THE PORCH AND CROSSES TO HYDE, HANDING HIM LAYLA.

JACKIE:

You're in charge of the babies tonight. No one's going to try and make out with you if you're covered in spit-up. (she starts buttoning more buttons on his shirt) And button up your shirt, nobody gets to look at your chest hair but me.

HYDE:

(getting mad) Jackie, I _married_ you. I bought you a _ridiculously_ large ring. We have two kids. I even change freaking diapers. Me. Changing diapers. This insecure crap is pissing me off.

JACKIE:

Steven, after we have angry sex, you are soooooo sleeping on the couch.

JACKIE WALKS OFF TOWARDS HER HOUSE. KELSO STANDS GRINNING AT HYDE.

HYDE:

(to Kelso) What are you lookin' at, ya moron?

KELSO:

Jackie's _totally_ jealous of Penny. That's hot!

HYDE:

Whatever.

KELSO:

(laughing) I just hope I'm around when Jackie yells, "Get off my husband!"

WITH A CLENCHED JAW, HYDE TURNS TO GLARE AT KELSO. KELSO IMMEDIATELY BACKS UP.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 3

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, THE NEXT MORNING. ERIC IS SITTING AT THE TABLE READING THE PAPER WHEN HYDE ARRIVES.

ERIC:

(to Hyde) Hey man, how was your night?

HYDE SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE.

HYDE:

Well, Jackie wouldn't let me sleep in the bed with her, and she wouldn't let me sleep on the couch because she said Penny would try and jump me in the middle of the night. So, I spent the night in the bathroom and Jackie locked the door from the outside.

ERIC:

Ouch.

HYDE:

(with a nod) Yeah. The bathroom's not a great place to sleep.

ERIC:

Unless you're really, really drunk. In which case, the cool tile is surprisingly soothing.

HYDE:

All's I know is, I'm not apologizing. It's not my fault chicks find me desirable.

ERIC:

(cautiously) Yeah, but don't you think Jackie kind of has a right to be pissed? I mean, you kissed Penny and you didn't tell her about it.

HYDE:

(frowns at Eric) You're forgetting something, _Erica_, that was before Jackie and I started going out. She was with other guys before we were together.

ERIC:

Yeah. One. Whom you've repeatedly beaten, I might add. And you were with ... (he pauses, thinking) well, way more than one.

HYDE:

(getting irritated) Ok, Forman, you're not helping.

ERIC:

Oh. Sorry. I didn't know I was supposed to be helping.

HYDE:

Hey, at least I didn't make out with Jackie's step-sister. (grinning, he shakes his head) Man, only you, Forman.

ERIC:

(with sarcastic pride) Yeah, I'm pretty sure Donna's wedding vows are going to include the words, "dillhole" and "dumbass".

HYDE:

(grinning) Those'll be good vows.

KITTY ENTERS FROM THE LIVING ROOM

KITTY:

Alright, boys, you two might not want to be here right now.

HYDE:

(to Kitty) That's not really an option for us. We got nowhere else to go.

ERIC:

(looks a little scared) Nowhere where there are angry women waiting to harm us.

KITTY:

Mark's coming over.

HYDE:

(to Eric) Who the hell's Mark?

ERIC:

He's our florist. (a beat and Eric grins) He's a friend of Mitch and Fenton's.

HYDE:

(with a nod) Got it.

KITTY:

And I know how men talking about flowers makes you a little violent, Steven.

HYDE:

(he nods) She's got a good point.

ERIC AND HYDE STAND TO LEAVE WHEN THE SLIDING DOOR OPENS AND MARK, THE FLORIST, WALKS IN. HE'S VERY GOOD LOOKING BUT A LITTLE EFFEMINATE. HE IS CARRYING A CLIP BOARD AND SOME FLOWERS.

MARK:

(in a sing-song voice) Knock, knock.

ERIC:

(flatly) Too late.

ERIC AND HYDE SIT BACK DOWN AS MARK WALKS INTO THE ROOM AND HEADS OVER TO KITTY.

MARK:

(to Kitty) How's my favorite mother-of-the-groom, today?

BEA:

(off-camera yelling from the living room, extremely loudly) KITTY!

KITTY:

(with a very sad smile) Not so good.

KITTY CROSSES TO THE KITCHEN DOOR

KITTY:(cont'd)

(over her shoulder) Eric, can you work with Mark for a few minutes? I'll be right back.

ERIC:

(quickly) Yeah, Mom, I'm not really ...

IGNORING ERIC, KITTY DISAPPEARS INTO THE LIVING ROOM LEAVING MARK ALONE WITH THE GUYS. ERIC LOOKS AT MARK AND SMILES AWKWARDLY.

ERIC:(cont'd)

Alrighty. How grows things, Mark? Get it? _Grows._

PULLING OUT HIS CLIP BOARD AND SETTING IT ON THE TABLE IN FRONT OF THE GUYS.

MARK:

I'm glad you guys are here. Let me show you the boutonnieres. (with a huge smile) They are going to look _amazing_.

HYDE:

I'm outta here.

ERIC:

(to Hyde) No way, man, you are not leaving me in here alone.

DONNA AND JACKIE ENTER. DONNA HAS LAYLA AND JACKIE HAS JAGGER. KELSO IS FOLLOWING BEHIND THEM, EATING AN ICE CREAM CONE AND GRINNING LIKE A MORON.

HYDE:

Kelso, what the hell are you doing?

KELSO:

(with a big, dopey smile) Oh, I'm following Jackie and Donna around today 'cause they're super pissed at you guys and I don't wanna miss any good burns.

DONNA IS GLARING AT ERIC AND HYDE BUT JACKIE IS TOTALLY IGNORING THEM.

DONNA:

(to Eric) Dillhole. (to Hyde) Dumbass.

ERIC:

(quietly, to Hyde) Told ya. That's going in her vows for sure.

BEA:

(off-camera, yells from the living room) _ERIC!_

ERIC:

(with a pout) God hates me.

ERIC SLOWLY GETS UP AND EXITS INTO THE LIVING ROOM

DONNA:

Hey, Mark.

MARK EYES DONNA UP AND DOWN AND GIVES HER A VERY DIRTY SMILE.

MARK:

Hello my beautiful red-headed amazon. (he gives Jackie a grin) And hello, tiny little foxy lady. I'm Mark. And you must be ...

JACKIE:

(with her best flirtatious smile) Jackie.

HE TAKES HER HAND AND KISSES IT.

MARK:

I was going to say the most beautiful woman in Point Place, but Jackie works, too.

KELSO, ERIC AND DONNA LOOK AT HYDE WAITING FOR HIS REACTION BUT HE'S TOTALLY ZEN. JACKIE KEEPS FLIRTING.

JACKIE:

_Finally_, a man that says all the right things.

MARK:

(giving Jackie a perverted smile) I _do_ all the right things too, honey.

KELSO:

(quietly, to Mark) Dude, you might wanna back away from the curly haired, angry looking guy.

JACKIE:

(with fake surprise) Oh my gosh, Steven, I didn't even realize you were here I was so caught up in my new friend, um ... (she pauses, unable to remember his name)

MARK:

Mark.

JACKIE:

(dismissively) Yeah, whatever.

MARK:

Well, I've got to talk to Kitty about the bouquets. If we don't get the timing just right, things wilt. And we can't have such beautiful women carrying wilted flowers, can we, Jackie?

AGAIN HE TAKES JACKIE'S HAND AND KISSES IT. THIS TIME HYDE REACTS, JUST SLIGHTLY.

HYDE:

Watch it, flower man, before things on you start to wilt.

MARK EXITS INTO THE LIVING ROOM AND JACKIE GRINS, TAUNTINGLY, AT HYDE.

JACKIE:

So. Steven. That must have made you a little jealous, huh?

HYDE:

No. It did make me _laugh_ a little bit, though.

HYDE GETS UP AND STARTS TOWARDS THE SLIDING DOOR.

JACKIE:

(yelling after Hyde) Jerk!

HYDE:

(turns back to Jackie and smirks) You better go, flower boy's probably missing you.

HYDE GIVES JACKIE A WINK AND THEN HE EXITS.

JACKIE:

(totally exasperated) _Ugh! _Usually when other men flirt with me Steven goes insane.

DONNA:

(with a small chuckle) Yeah, I don't think it's quite the same with Mark.

JACKIE:

What? Why?

KELSO:

(with a dopey laugh) 'Cause the dude's gay.

JACKIE:

What? (insistently) That guy is _not_ gay.

DONNA:

Jackie, that guy makes Fez look butch.

JACKIE:

I'm telling you, I know gay, and that guy is not gay.

KELSO:

That guy's as queer as a one dollar bill.

DONNA:

(correcting him) _Two_ dollar bill, Kelso. It's, "queer as a two dollar bill."

KELSO:

Ohhh, I love two dollar bills. My grandma gives 'em to me on my birthday.

KELSO LOOKS LIKE AN EXCITED LITTLE KID AND THE GIRLS JUST SHAKE THEIR HEADS AT HIM.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 3

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, SHORTLY AFTER. ERIC IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV AND TRYING TO WRITE HIS VOWS WHEN JACKIE ENTERS. SHE THROWS HERSELF DOWN INTO RED'S CHAIR WITH A POUT.

JACKIE:

Ok, I've run out of ways to punish Steven. Nothing works anymore. We've been together so long, he knows every one of my evil plans.

ERIC:

(teasing) You should try being nice. That'll really throw him off.

JACKIE:

(with a whine) I'm gonna go put a Nixon bumper sticker on the El Camino.

ERIC:

(he smiles) You know what'll make you feel better? Helping me write my vows.

JACKIE:

(she sighs) Fine. But then I'm doing the bumper sticker thing.

ERIC:

Here's my problem - I just can't think of anything to say that's good enough. You know how I am with words.

JACKIE:

You mean, how you try and say something nice and it comes out horribly, horribly wrong.

ERIC:

(nods) Exactly.

JACKIE:

Ok, what you need is a script. (she points at him) And you can't stray from the script, because the script is your ticket to having a happy wedding night.

ERIC:

(raising a brow in interest) I'm intrigued, tell me more.

JACKIE:

Alright, I think you should say something about how long you've loved Donna, and how long you'll keep loving her.

ERIC:

(quickly) Yes, yes, it's like you're reading my mind.

JACKIE:

Also, I think you should say something about Donna being beautiful, and special and how you've waited for this day ever since the moment you met her.

ERIC:

(stunned) That's brilliant. You're like Yoda.

JACKIE:

(bitchy) Except cuter, of course.

ERIC:

Of course. (he gives Jackie a smile) You know, Jackie, you're not nearly as unpleasant as everyone says you are.

JACKIE FROWNS AND ERIC'S SMILE FALLS.

ERIC:(cont'd)

I did that thing with words again, didn't I?

JACKIE NODS AND ERIC GIVES HER A NERVOUS GRIN.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 3

SCENE 3

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, THAT AFTERNOON. KITTY IS AT THE STOVE CLEANING UP FROM LUNCH, PAULA IS HELPING HER. BEA AND MARTY ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE HAVING SOMETHING TO DRINK AND RED WALKS IN FROM OUTSIDE IN HIS WORK UNIFORM.

KITTY:

(to Red) There you are. (in a sing-song voice) It's almost rehearsal time! Yay!

RED:

(with a grimace) Alright, alright, there's no need for that much enthusiasm this early in the day.

MARTY:

Red, you're always trying to squash joy. Why must you do that?

RED:

(turns to Marty and gives him a sarcastic smile) Because that's what I do, Marty, I squash things. _Squashing_ joy _gives_ me joy.

BEA STANDS UP AND CROSSES TO THE STOVE TO STAND OVER KITTY'S SHOULDER AND WATCH WHAT SHE IS DOING.

BEA:

Kitty, I hope you're not serving that for the groom's dinner.

KITTY:

(turns to Bea) Why, what's wrong with it?

BEA:

(with a phony sweet smile) Nothing. If you like a lot of salt.

PAULA:

(gives Kitty a condescending pat) I thought it was delicious, Kitty.

KITTY:

(to Paula) Oh, please, I don't need your casserole pity. I _know_ it's good. (goes a little nuts) In fact, it's freaking fabulous!

KITTY STORMS OUT. RED WATCHES HER GO AND SIGHS, KNOWING HE NOW HAS TO GO AFTER HER.

RED:

Marty, you want to counsel someone about squashing joy? (he scowls at Bea) Talk to Bea - The Queen of joy squashing.

RED EXITS INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 3

SCENE 4

INT. THE HYDE'S LIVING ROOM, THAT AFTERNOON. HYDE IS PUTTING A TIE ON WHEN PENNY WALKS IN FROM THE KITCHEN HOLDING UP THE TOP OF HER UNZIPPED DRESS.

PENNY:

(with a sigh of relief) Oh, Hyde, good you're here.

WITHOUT SAYING A WORD, HYDE TURNS AROUND AND STARTS HEADING UP THE STAIRS.

PENNY:(cont'd)

(calling after him) Wait, you've gotta help me. I can't get my dress zipped up and I'm gonna pop right out of it.

HYDE:

You pop out of anything and Jackie's gonna shave your head while you sleep.

PENNY:

(with a whine) Can you _please_ just help me zip up.

HYDE:

(dryly) Sure, and after I do that I'll go stick my head in the oven and breathe deeply. That way, Jackie won't have to murder me in front of our kids.

PENNY:

Fine, I guess I'll just have to walk around like this.

PENNY STARTS TO LET GO OF HER TOP AND HYDE COMES DOWN THE STAIRS AND POINTS AT HER TO PULL IT BACK UP.

HYDE:

What? No, just ... crap. (very irritated) Fine.

PENNY SMILES AND THEN TURNS AROUND SO HER BACK IS TO HYDE. HE STARTS TO ZIP UP THE DRESS, WHILE LOOKING THE OTHER WAY. THE ZIPPER GETS STUCK AND HYDE TURNS TO LOOK AT WHAT HE'S DOING.

HYDE:(cont'd)

This stupid thing's stuck.

PENNY:

I know, you kind of have to pull.

HYDE TRIES SEVERAL TIMES TO ZIP THE DRESS, HE FINALLY GIVES THE ZIPPER A GOOD YANK AND THEN HE FREEZES AND STARES AT THE ZIPPER. HIS SLEEVE HAS GOTTEN ZIPPED UP IN PENNY'S TOP.

HYDE:

(in disbelief) Are you freakin' kidding me.

PENNY:

(trying to turn to look at Hyde) What?

HYDE:

(pissed) I'm stuck. My damn shirt's stuck! See, _this _is why I always wear tee shirts.

PENNY:

Ok, I'll just try and wiggle out of it.

PENNY STARTS TO LIFT HER DRESS OFF FROM THE BOTTOM, HYDE STOPS HER.

HYDE:;

(quickly) No. No wiggling. We're going next-door and somebody's cutting me free and then you're moving into Eric's old room. Fruity Uncle Marty can sleep here, instead.

HYDE STARTS DRAGGING THEM TOWARDS THE KITCHEN DOOR, PENNY PULLS THE OTHER WAY.

PENNY:

(yells) Stop pulling!

HYDE:

(yells louder) Stop wiggling!

AS PENNY AND HYDE CONTINUE TO STRUGGLE TO GET FREE JACKIE WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS AND FINDS THEM TANGLED UP TOGETHER. SHE STOPS DEAD IN HER TRACKS.

JACKIE:

(stunned) Steven?!

PENNY AND HYDE IMMEDIATELY TURN TO JACKIE.

HYDE:

(a little patronizing) Jackie, calm down, this isn't what it looks like.

JACKIE'S LOOKS LIKE SHE'S ABOUT TO BURST INTO TEARS AND SHE RUNS OUT THE FRONT DOOR.

HYDE:

(calling after her) Jackie!

JACKIE SLAMS THE DOOR BEHIND HER, AND HYDE LOOKS VERY, VERY ANNOYED. PENNY GIVES HIM A WEAK SMILE.

PENNY:

Wow. She looked kinda mad, huh.

HYDE:

(flatly) Shut up.

HYDE GIVES PENNY A YANK AND THEY HEAD TOWARDS THE KITCHEN.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 3

SCENE 5

INT. THE CHURCH, THE REHEARSAL, THAT NIGHT. RED AND JOANNE ARE SITTING IN THE PEWS. RED IS HOLDING JAGGER AND JOANNE IS HOLDING LAYLA. ERIC, BROOKE, HOLDING BETSY, AND KELSO ARE STANDING LINED UP AT THE ALTAR WHILE FEZ AND LAURIE ARE PRACTICING THEIR WALK DOWN THE AISLE THEY REACH THE END OF THE AISLE AND JOIN THE OTHERS LINED UP AT THE ALTAR. HYDE AND JACKIE ARE STANDING AT THE BACK OF THE CHURCH, NOT TALKING TO EACH OTHER. DONNA HAS BOB'S ARM AND THEY ARE WAITING TO WALK DOWN THE AISLE WHILE MIDGE AND BOB ARE ARGUING. PASTOR DAVE IS RUNNING THE REHEARSAL. KITTY AND MARK, THE FLORIST, ARE DECORATING THE CHURCH.

MIDGE:

(angrily) Donna, tell your dad you want me to walk you down the aisle, too.

DONNA:

Um, ok ...

BOB:

(shaking his head) That's just dumb, Midge.

MIDGE:

Did you just call me dumb?

BOB:

No, I said "that's" dumb. Are you a "that"?

MIDGE:

(pokes Bob in the chest) Did you just call me a "that"?

DONNA LOOKS BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THEM, AND JUST SHAKES HER HEAD.

PASTOR DAVE:

(interrupting the argument) Alrighty, next down the aisle will be the matron of honor and the best man.

JACKIE RELUCTANTLY TAKES HYDE'S ARM AND THEY START DOWN THE AISLE. HYDE GIVES HER A SMIRK.

HYDE:

(trying to tease Jackie) Hey, just 'cause we're walking down an aisle again doesn't mean you're getting another ring.

JACKIE:

(quietly) Excuse me.

JACKIE RUNS OFF LEAVING HYDE BEHIND. PASTOR DAVE WATCHES HER GO.

PASTOR DAVE:

(to Hyde) Why is she going the wrong way? (calling after her) Jackie? Why are you going the wrong way?

HYDE STARTS AFTER JACKIE, AND RED GETS UP AND STOPS HIM.

RED:

(holding out Jagger) This one is starting to smell. And I _don't_ do diapers.

GLANCING IN THE DIRECTION JACKIE LEFT, HYDE SIGHS IN EXASPERATION AND TAKES JAGGER FROM RED.

CUT TO KITTY AND MARK NEAR THE ALTAR.

MARK:

Kitty, do you like the way this fabric drapes?

KELSO:

(quietly, to Fez) What kind of guy knows how to drape fabric?

FEZ:

(to Kelso) Technically, that's not even a "drape". It's more of a swag.

FROM A SIDE DOOR, PAM MACY ENTERS AND WALKS TOWARDS MARK, HER ARMS LOADED WITH FABRIC.

PAM:

Mark, I can't find the tulle.

KELSO:

(totally shocked) Pam Macy?

FEZ:

(whispers to Kelso) It's like the doors to slut heaven were thrown open and out stepped Pam Macy, Chloe and Penny.

PAM TURNS TO KELSO AND SHRUGS, COMPLETELY UNAFFECTED.

PAM:

(bored) Oh. Hi, Michael. Long time no see.

KELSO:

(confused, to Mark) What, is she like your assistant or something?

MARK:

My assistant? (he gives Pam a slap on the butt) She's my wife.

KELSO:

(yelps indignantly) _UH!_

ERIC:

(pointing at Mark) But, you're gay.

MARK:

(with a snort) Me? Gay? (he rolls his eyes) Please, I'm about as gay as Warren Beatty.

KELSO:

(to Pam) _You_ married _him_? (stunned, he points at Mark) The flower guy?

ERIC:

(to Pam and Mark) Sorry, he'll catch on. Just give him a sec.

BROOKE COMES OVER TO KELSO FROM WHERE SHE HAS BEEN STANDING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ALTAR.

BROOKE:

Michael, can you take Betsy for me? I need to go find Jackie.

PAM:

(to Kelso) You have a _kid_?

KELSO:

(he points at Pam) _You_ married the flower guy! (he wags his finger, spastically) Let's try to stay on topic, here!

BROOKE LOOKS A LITTLE CONFUSED BY WHAT'S GOING ON AND SHE HOLDS HER HAND OUT TO PAM. BY THIS TIME, DONNA HAS MADE HER WAY TO THE ALTAR TO SEE WHAT'S GOING ON.

BROOKE:

(giving Pam a smile) Hi, I'm Brooke.

PAM AND BROOKE SHAKE HANDS.

PAM:

(very ditzy) I'm Pam, Mark's wife.

KELSO:

(yells) She married the flower guy!

BROOKE:

(giving Kelso a strange look) I got that part, Michael.

KELSO:

Well than could ya explain it to me. 'Cause I don't get how Pam goes from a guy like me to the flower guy.

MARK:

(to Kelso) I have a name.

KELSO:

(irritated) Hey, Flower Guy, not the time.

BROOKE:

(looking back and forth between Pam and Kelso) Wait, is she an old girlfriend or something?

KELSO:

Not really, see ...

DONNA:

(quickly, to Kelso) For the love of God, _don't_.

ERIC:

(stops Donna) Oh this is gonna be good.

KELSO:

I used to cheat on Jackie with Pam.

ERIC:

(nods) Nicely done.

BROOKE:

(slowly) Um. Ok. (very sarcastically) Well then, I'm going to take our child and go find my friend while you try and deal with the fact that blondie here married the flower guy.

KELSO:

(not getting it) Oh, could you? That'd be great.

BROOKE JUST SHAKES HER HEAD AND WALKS OFF. ERIC SMACKS KELSO UPSIDE THE HEAD.

KELSO:

(yelps and then turns to Eric) Damn, Eric! What was that for?

AS KELSO RUBS HIS HEAD DONNA SMACKS HIM ON THE OTHER SIDE.

KELSO:

(turns to Donna) Damn, Donna! What was that for?

DONNA:

(angrily) Because Eric doesn't hit hard enough!

PASTOR DAVE:

(yelling out to the group in exasperation) Does anyone here care that I am trying to conduct a wedding rehearsal?

KELSO STANDS RUBBING BOTH SIDES OF HIS HEAD WHILE DONNA HEADS OFF AFTER BROOKE.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 4

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, AFTER THE REHEARSAL. EVERYONE IS GATHERED FOR THE GROOM'S DINNER. _"SIR DUKE" _BY STEVIE WONDER IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. HYDE, WITH JAGGER, AND KELSO, WITH BETSY, ARE STANDING NEAR THE BOOKCASE TALKING WITH MARSH. PENNY AND CHLOE ARE GATHERED NEAR THE STAIRS. BEA, PAULA AND FEZ ARE ON THE COUCH. RED, ERIC, DONNA, MIDGE AND BOB ARE NEAR THE ORGAN. MARTY AND PASTOR DAVE ARE CHATTING BY THE KITCHEN DOOR KITTY IS PASSING OUT FOOD AND JOANNE IS PASSING OUT DRINKS. JACKIE, WITH LAYLA, LAURIE AND BROOKE ARE AT THE BAR. MIDGE AND BOB ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF YET ANOTHER ARGUMENT. DONNA LOOKS ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE AND ERIC AND RED WATCH WITH MILD IRRITATION.

MIDGE:

Stop it, Bob.

BOB:

(talking with his mouth full as he eats) Stop what?

MIDGE:

Chewing so loud.

BOB:

This is how I chew, Midge. Take it or leave it.

MIDGE:

(yells) I choose leave it!

BOB:

(gives her a fake smile) Well good 'cause I wouldn't let you take it even if you wanted to.

DONNA HANGS HER HEAD DOWN, COMPLETELY FRUSTRATED THEN SHE HEADS OFF TOWARDS THE BAR. ERIC LOOKS A LITTLE TERRIFIED AND RED PATS ERIC ON THE BACK.

RED:

(grinning at Eric) Enjoy your new in-laws, son.

CUT TO HYDE, KELSO AND MARSH.

KELSO:

(to Marsh) Wait a minute, so you're telling me the shark in "Jaws" wasn't real?

MARSH:

(shaking his head) Nope, it was a machine.

KELSO:

(completely flabbergasted) Wow. (he shrugs and chuckles) I guess it's ok for me to go swimming in the reservoir again, then.

HYDE:

(to Kelso) A shark's not gonna get you in the reservoir, ya moron.

KELSO:

Well, not a _fake_ shark.

HYDE SHAKES HIS HEAD AT KELSO'S STUPIDITY

CUT TO BEA, PAULA, AND FEZ ON THE COUCH

BEA:

(loudly and slowly to Fez) Do you like America?

PAULA:

(to Bea) Mom, he speaks English.

BEA:

No he doesn't, do you, Laurie's husband.

FEZ:

(flatly) No speaka the English.

CUT TO JACKIE, LAURIE, BROOKE AND DONNA GATHERED AROUND THE BAR. THEY ALL LOOK INCREDIBLY CRABBY AND THEY'RE ALL HAVING A DRINK. KITTY WALKS UP TO THEM AND FROWNS.

KITTY:

Ok, girls, why don't you try mingling instead of holding up the bar.

JACKIE:

Mrs. Forman, can you watch the twins for a little while?

KITTY:

Sure, sweetie. You girls headed out for a night of fun? (she giggles)

LAURIE:

(to Kitty) I don't know how much fun it's gonna be, but we're gonna consume a lot of alcohol.

KITTY:

(with a defeated sigh) Fine, just make sure you drink some water and eat a slice of bread. I don't want anyone throwing up at the church tomorrow.

LAURIE:

(she gives Kitty a quick kiss and a smile) Thanks, Mommy.

JACKIE GIVES LAYLA A KISS AND SHE HANDS HER TO KITTY, THEN SHE CROSSES TO HYDE, GIVES JAGGER A KISS AND HEADS TOWARDS THE DOOR.

HYDE:

Jackie, where are you going?

JACKIE:

(not bothering to turn around and look at him) Out.

JACKIE EXITS. BROOKE, LAURIE AND DONNA ARE FOLLOWING BEHIND HER.

KELSO:

(laughing at Hyde) Yikes. That's gotta hurt. (he stops laughing when he sees Brooke following Jackie) Wait, Brooke, where are you going?

BROOKE:

Out.

BROOKE AND LAURIE EXIT.

HYDE:

(grinning at Kelso) It hurts a little less, now.

DONNA STOPS WHEN SHE SEES PENNY AND CHLOE GATHERED ON THE STAIRS.

DONNA:

(she points at Penny) You - hands off Hyde. (she points at Chloe) You - hands off Eric. (she walks over to Bob and gives him a stern look) You - don't kill my mother.

DONNA EXITS

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 4

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING. THE CIRCLE. THE SONG _"GOD ONLY KNOWS" _BY THE BEACH BOYS PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

ERIC:

So, my wedding's tomorrow. The rehearsal was a night mare. My future in-laws are bordering on homicidal. My family is a ticking time bomb waiting to explode and my fiancée is out at a bar with her emotionally unbalanced girlfriends. Yet, here I sit, in the basement. (very sarcastically) I think I've made a good choice.

PAN TO HYDE WHO IS DRINKING A BEER

HYDE:

(bitterly) This has been one crap-filled day. It's like today was a piñata and when I hit it, crap flew out everywhere. And now I've gotta listen to The Beach Boys. Dammit, somebody gimme another beer.

PAN TO ERIC

ERIC:

(like he's going to cry) The Beach Boys are so wise. God only knows where I'd be without Donna.

PAN TO HYDE

HYDE:

(frowning at Eric) Forman, maybe God doesn't know. But I do. You'd be calling escort services to see if any of them had a Princess Leia look-alike.

PAN TO KELSO

KELSO:

(his mouth hanging open, stunned) Pam Macy married the flower guy? Come on!

PAN TO ERIC

ERIC:

Kelso, why do you care about Pam? You're with Brooke.

PAN TO KELSO

KELSO:

I know, and I totally love Brooke. But Pam went from me to that flower guy. (with a very sad pout) That's kind of a blow to my ego.

PAN TO FEZ

FEZ:

(grinning) At least it's not a blow to the nads. Now _that_ is unpleasant.

PAN TO HYDE

HYDE:

Kelso, I don't think Pam went from you to flower guy. More like she went from you, to the hockey team, to the principal, to the _football_ team, to the guy who does the weather on channel 4, and _then_ to the flower guy.

PAN TO FEZ

FEZ:

Kelso, I keep telling you, women like sensitive men. Well, except Jackie. Apparently, she likes insensitive ne'er do-wells who make out with their almost cousins. (he laughs at his own joke) Ah, good one, Fez.

HYDE'S ARM REACHES ACROSS THE CIRCLE AND FROGGS FEZ

FEZ:(cont'd)

(rubbing his arm) Ai.

PAN TO KELSO

KELSO:

(like a sad little kid) I'm more of a man than the flower guy, right?

PAN TO ERIC

ERIC:

_Fez_ is more of a man than the flower guy.

PAN TO HYDE

HYDE:

(seething) Wait a minute. If the flower guy's not gay, that means he was flirting with Jackie. (a beat) I'm gonna kick that guy's ass!

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 4

SCENE 3

INT. A BAR, LATER THAT NIGHT. JACKIE, DONNA, BROOKE AND LAURIE ARE GATHERED AT A TABLE. THE GIRLS ARE ALL PRETTY DRUNK EXCEPT FOR JACKIE WHO JUST LOOKS HORRIBLY SAD. THE SONG,_"JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME"_ BY APRIL WINE IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. ERIC, HYDE, KELSO AND FEZ WALK IN AND IMMEDIATELY SPOT THE GIRLS WHO ARE TALKING LOUDLY AND GENERALLY JUST BEING ROWDY, EXCEPT FOR JACKIE.

BROOKE:

(to the girls) You know, normally, I wouldn't drink like this. But librarians get angry, too.

LAURIE:

(raising her glass) Bottoms up, ladies!

DONNA, LAURIE AND BROOKE RAISE UP A SHOT GLASS AND CHEERS EACH OTHER, THEN THEY SLAM THEIR SHOTS DOWN. JACKIE SADLY SIPS A DRINK THROUGH A STRAW AND WATCHES THEM.

CUT TO THE GUYS, WATCHING THE GIRLS.

ERIC:

(very melodramatically) Ok, I can't wait til the wedding, I've gotta bust out the Air Supply lyrics now.

KELSO:

(a little shocked) Guys, I think Brooke's drunk.

HYDE:

I love it when you can actually _see_ the lightbulb go on over his head.

FEZ:

(pointing at the girl's table) What does it mean when they have all those shot glasses turned upside down?

ERIC:

It means put a bucket next to the bed.

HYDE:

(with a scowl) Crap. Jackie's drinking water. That means she's too sad to drink.

ERIC:

Ooh, that's bad.

HYDE:

The worst.

ERIC TURNS TO THE OTHER GUYS AND GIVES THEM A VERY SERIOUS NOD

ERIC:

Gentleman, good luck with your missions. May the ...

KELSO:

(cutting him off) Eric, if you say, "May the force be with you" I'm streaking at your wedding tomorrow.

THE GUYS DISPERSE AND HYDE MAKES HIS WAY TOWARDS JACKIE, SHE SEES HIM COMING AND GETS UP AND LEAVES THE TABLE, HE FOLLOWS AFTER HER.

JACKIE:

(over her shoulder) Go away, Steven.

HYDE:

Jackie, I came here to try to talk to you. So can you stop this pouting, cold shoulder crap?

JACKIE:

(she spins back around to face him) How could you do that to me, Steven? How?

HYDE:

(yelling in frustration) I didn't _do_ anything.

JACKIE:

(getting really worked up) Yes you did! You made me feel unsure. I hate that feeling.

HYDE:

That's a bunch of crap. How can you be unsure? Jackie, look at us. Look at _me_, I'm practically Forman. How in the hell can you not trust me?

JACKIE:

(yells) I do trust you, (she stops and takes a deep breath, then gets quiet) it's just I hate to think about all the women you had before me. (getting angry again) All those skanky looking blonde sluts like Penny and stupid biker girl, and stupid leather jacket girl and stupid ...

HYDE:

(interrupting her) Jackie, what's your point?

JACKIE:

My point is - (she pauses and looks horribly self-conscious and sad) what if I'm not as good as them? What if I'm not enough?

HYDE:

(he gives her a smirk) Oh you're more than enough. In fact, I'm pretty sure, eventually, you're gonna kill me.

HE NOTICES THAT JACKIE STILL LOOKS REALLY UPSET, SO HE DROPS THE SMIRK AND TRIES TO THINK OF SOMETHING TO SAY.

HYDE:(cont'd)

(he sighs and looks a little uncomfortable) Look, what matters is right now. _Us_. (he pauses, unsure what to say) Jackie, you're ... (through gritted teeth) you're every woman in the world to me.

A MOMENT PASSES AS JACKIE STARTS TO SMILE, THEN THE SMILES FALLS AND SHE FROWNS AT HYDE

JACKIE:

Are you quoting _Air Supply_ to me?

HYDE:

(with a fake laugh) No.

JACKIE:

Yes, you are.

HYDE:

No, I'm not.

JACKIE:

_Yes_, you are.

HYDE:

_No_, I'm not.

JACKIE:

(pokes him in the chest) Yes, you are. And shut up, it's the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

HYDE:

(with a raised brow) It is? (Jackie nods at him) Oh. Then, yes, I am.

JACKIE:

Steven, I hate to think of any other woman ever being able to touch you. And when I saw you with Penny, I just ... I wanted to grab her by her skanky bleached head and scrub her skin with a Brill-O pad til her tan came off.

HYDE:

(he pulls Jackie to him) Come here. (wrapping his arms around her waist) You're the only person who gets to touch me for the rest of my life. (he grins) _And_ lucky you, 'cause I'm only getting sexier as I get older.

JACKIE:

(her hand to her chest) Oh, Steven. (a beat) Wait. Is that from another song?

HYDE:

Nope. (grinning) That's_ all_ me, baby.

JACKIE:

(with puppy dog eyes) Oh, Steven.

SHE LEANS IN AND GIVES HIM A KISS. A FEW SECONDS PASS AND HYDE PULLS BACK. THEN, HE SLINGS HIS ARM OVER JACKIE'S SHOULDERS AND STARTS TO LEAD HER AWAY.

HYDE:

Come on, Angel Eyes, let's go in the back room and I'll quote Zeppelin to you.

HYDE PATS JACKIE ON THE BUTT AND SHE SCOOTS OFF. HE FOLLOWS BEHIND HER WITH A BIG GRIN ON HIS FACE.

CUT TO DONNA SITTING AT A TABLE AS ERIC APPROACHES HER.

ERIC:

(with a cheesy grin he gives her a point and a wink) Hey there, pretty lady. Wanna buy me a drink?

DONNA:

Buy your own drink, dillhole.

ERIC:

(the grin disappears and he looks a little nervous) Ok, are we still getting married tomorrow, cause I don't wanna rent the tux if I don't have to.

DONNA:

(exasperated) God, you are such a tool.

ERIC:

Is this about your step-sister? Because I am so, _so _sorry about that. Or ... is it one of the other numerous reasons you might find me a tool?

DONNA:

(annoyed) _Yes_ it's about my step-sister. It's about my mom and my dad and my step-parents. It's about the fact that this is the day before my wedding and all I can think about is I better not stay out too late or I'll come home to a quadruple homicide.

ERIC SITS DOWN NEXT TO DONNA.

ERIC:

(very sincere) Donna, why don't you talk to me about this stuff?

DONNA:

Because I can't. Remember? Your family is _perfect_.

ERIC:

(sarcastically) You are so right, Donna. That is the exact adjective I would use to describe my family - perfect. There's my perfect father who threatens on a daily basis to shove things up my ass - usually his foot. There's my perfect mother, who's as sweet as candy - unless you try and take her Chardonnay away. There's my perfect sister, who has carnal knowledge of ninety percent of the male population in Point Place, and the greater Kenosha area. And then, there's my perfect adopted brother who's only truly at ease when he's behind bars or pounding someone's face in. Oh, or doing it with Jackie. (with a smile) We're _perfect_.

DONNA:

(sadly) Eric, my family is a mess. My parents can't even be in the same room together for five minutes without fighting. I'm pretty sure they're gonna try and trip each when they walk me down the aisle tomorrow.

ERIC:

(grinning) Hey, I've got the perfect idea. We'll just lock your parents in a closet and have trained monkeys walk you down the aisle. Kelso's been dying to dress a chimp up in a tuxedo.

DONNA SCOWL DISSOLVES INTO A SMILE AND SHE TRIES TO FIGHT IT, BUT SHE CAN'T HELP LAUGHING.

DONNA:

(shaking her head at Eric) How do you always make me laugh no matter how pissed I am?

ERIC:

(he smiles) It's a gift given to me by God himself.

DONNA:

So, (a beat and she grins at Eric) you wanna get married tomorrow?

ERIC:

(like he's thinking about it) _Well_, I've got a pretty busy day, what with trying to stop my father from killing his brother, keeping my cousin away from Hyde, _and_ making sure my mom is properly medicated. But, I think I can squeeze in a wedding.

DONNA:

(rolling her eyes, she chuckles) Thanks. (she pauses) I love you, Eric.

ERIC:

I love you too, Mrs. Forman.

DONNA:

(smirking) How about, "I love you, too, Mrs. Pinciotti-Forman"?

ERIC:

(with fake irritation) Fine. (he sighs) I love you, too, Mrs. Pincipotty-Foreskin.

DONNA LAUGHS AND NUDGES ERIC IN THE RIBS, THEN THEY KISS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 4

SCENE 4

INT. A BAR, IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING. BROOKE AND LAURIE ARE AT THEIR TABLE AND FEZ AND KELSO WALK UP TO THEM, A LITTLE APPREHENSIVELY. THE SONG, _"HAIR OF THE DOG" _BY NAZARETH IS BLARING IN THE BACKGROUND. KELSO HOLDS OUT A PLATE FULL OF CHERRIES TO BROOKE.

KELSO:

(with a big smile) I got you something.

BROOKE:

(stares at the plate in confusion) You got me cherries?

KELSO:

Not just cherries, maraschino cherries with those little swords in them. (he shrugs, guiltily) It's the best I could do.

FEZ HOLDS OUT HIS OWN PLATE OF FRUIT.

FEZ:

And I've got the oranges. (he rubs his tummy) Nummy. Shirley Temples for everyone!

FEZ LAUGHS AT HIS OWN JOKE AND QUICKLY REALIZES NO ONE ELSE IS LAUGHING. HIS SMILE FALLS AND HE LOOKS REALLY BUMMED OUT.

KELSO:

I'm _so_ sorry, Brooke.

BROOKE:

(with a sad sigh) Michael, do you even know why I'm upset?

KELSO:

(stammering, nervously) Well, I thought I did. But now you're making me nervous. You've got that mean librarian look going.

BROOKE:

I'm not just a stern librarian. I can be crazy, too, you know. (she pauses, unsure what to do and then she gestures wildly with her hands) Totally crazy!

KELSO:

(slowly) Yeah, I'm not so sure that's a good idea.

BROOKE STANDS UP AND TURNS TO LAURIE.

BROOKE:

(forcefully) Let's dance, Laurie.

KELSO:

(nervously, interjects) Umm, Brookie Bear, why don't you start out smaller if you're going to try to be crazy. Don't shoot straight to the top with Laurie, cause she's freaking _nuts_.

BROOKE HEADS OUT TO THE DANCE FLOOR. LAURIE STANDS TO GO AND FEZ GRABS HER HAND AND STOPS HER.

FEZ:

(with a whine) But, Laurie, I want to dance, too.

LAURIE:

(giving Fez a seductive smile) You get to watch.

LAURIE GIVES FEZ A QUICK KISS AND SHE RUNS OFF TO JOIN BROOKE. THE GIRLS START DANCING, VERY SEXILY. FEZ AND KELSO WATCH AND SLOWLY START TO LOOK MORE AND MORE ANXIOUS.

KELSO:

Watching them dance isn't as much fun as I thought it was gonna be.

FEZ:

(looking around, nervously) Ai. Where is the bathroom?

ERIC AND DONNA WALKS UP HAND IN HAND. ERIC FROWNS WHEN HE SEES BROOKE AND LAURIE DANCING.

ERIC:

Oh good, I see Laurie's giving pole dancing lessons.

KELSO:

(yells, spastically at Eric and Donna) You guys, I need help!

FEZ:

(urgently) Yes and I need somewhere with a door that locks.

A GUY HAS NOW APPROACHED BROOKE ON THE DANCE FLOOR AND STARTED DANCING WITH HER.

KELSO:

(getting angry) Man, what the hell? Who's that guy Brooke's dancing with?

FEZ:

(watching with disdain) Whoever he is he clearly does not understand the difference between a ball change and a shuffle.

KELSO STOMPS OUT ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR HE TAPS THE GUY ON THE SHOULDER AND THE GUY TURNS TO FACE KELSO.

KELSO:

Excuse me, (he points at Brooke) that's my girlfriend.

GUY:

(sarcastically) Good for you.

KELSO:

That means you should stop dancing with her.

BROOKE:

(to her dancing partner) No it doesn't. Keep dancing. (to Kelso) Why don't you go find flower guy's wife and dance with her.

KELSO:

(with a dopey laugh) That's not possible, Brooke. Pam's not even _here_ right now.

THIS REALLY PISSES BROOKE OFF AND KELSO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT HE'S SAID.

BROOKE:

(ignoring him) What? I can't hear you? I'm having too much fun being crazy.

FEZ COMES OUT ONTO THE FLOOR AND HE STANDS NEXT TO LAURIE.

FEZ:

Laurie, may we go home now? Please?

GUY:

(to Fez) Hey, why don't you back off, pal, and let the ladies have some fun.

THE GUY SHOVES FEZ, JUST SLIGHTLY.

KELSO:

(to the guy) Hey! Don't you shove my little buddy!

GUY:

(to Kelso) Alright, how about I shove you?

THE GUY SHOVES KELSO, HARD, AND KELSO GOES FLYING ACROSS THE DANCE FLOOR HE GETS UP AND GLARES AT THE GUY, FUMING MAD.

KELSO:

(with a crazed laugh) You're gonna have to shove me harder than that. I've got a really violent friend who pounds on me all the time!

KELSO CHARGES THE GUY AND KNOCKS HIM TO THE FLOOR. FEZ WATCHES AS THE FIGHT BREAKS OUT AND HE SHAKES HIS HEAD, SADLY.

FEZ:

(with a pout) Oh no, I am doomed.

INSTANTLY THE GUY'S FRIENDS SWARM THE DANCE FLOOR AND ONE OF THEM GOES AFTER FEZ. LAURIE JUMPS ON THE MAN'S BACK AND STARTS WHACKING HIM. KELSO IS NOW WRESTLING ON THE FLOOR WHILE BROOKE IS TRYING TO HELP. ERIC AND DONNA WATCH AND ERIC RUNS INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE BRAWL TO HELP.

ERIC:

(calling out to Donna as he's trying to fight) Donna, find Hyde! We need some help.

DONNA:

(looking around frantically) Crap. I think he's somewhere making out with Jackie.

DONNA RUNS OFF AND ERIC YELLS OUT TO THE GUYS.

ERIC:

God, this is just like Kelso's "Dukes of Hazzard" dream.

FEZ MANAGES TO GET FREE FOR A MINUTE AND HE CUPS HIS HANDS AROUND HIS MOUTH AND YELLS.

FEZ:

(with a plaintive wail) Hyde! Hyde, people are beating on us!

FEZ IS TACKLED AGAIN. THE ENTIRE DANCE FLOOR IS NOW FIGHTING. DONNA RUNS BACK TOWARDS THE GANG WITH HYDE AND JACKIE CLOSE BEHIND. HYDE THROWS HIS ARMS UP IN THE AIR WHEN HE SEES THE FIGHT.

HYDE:

I leave these idiots alone for five minutes and the whole night goes to hell.

HE TAKES OFF TOWARDS THE BRAWL.

JACKIE:

(calling after him) Steven! Sunglasses!

WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT HYDE TURNS BACK TO JACKIE, TAKES OF HIS SUNGLASSES AND WITH A SMIRK, TOSSES THEM TO HER. JACKIE CATCHES THEM AND WATCHES HYDE GO

JACKIE:

(turns to Donna and grins) God, isn't this hot?

DONNA:

(watching the fight) No!

JACKIE:

(with a bratty smile) Well, it's hot for me. See, I don't have to worry about anything happening to Steven. You, on the other hand ... Donna, you better get in there!

DONNA:

(yelling towards the dance floor) Don't hit him in the face, jack-ass! He's getting married tomorrow.

DONNA RUNS INTO THE FIGHT AND GOES AFTER THE GUY WHO HAS ERIC. BROOKE AND LAURIE CONTINUE TO TRY AND HELP FEZ AND KELSO. EVERYONE BUT JACKIE IS NOW FIGHTING SOMEONE.

CUT TO INT. THE POINT PLACE JAIL. THE ENTIRE GANG IS STANDING BEHIND BARS AS A POLICEMAN SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT, LOCKING THEM ALL IN. NO ONE SAYS A WORD. ERIC LOOKS UP AND DOWN THE LINE AT ALL OF HIS FRIENDS.

ERIC:

So. (a beat) _That_ happened.

THE GANG STANDS LOOKING OUT THE BARS. HYDE HAS HIS ARM SLUNG AROUND JACKIE'S SHOULDERS. HE'S NODDING AND TAKING IT ALL IN, BUT SHE HAS A BIG POUT ON HER FACE. ERIC LOOKS MONUMENTALLY DEPRESSED AND DONNA KICKS THE BARS. FEZ IS TRYING NOT TO CRY AND LAURIE LOOKS BORED. KELSO KEEPS INCHING CLOSER TOWARDS BROOKE AND SHE SHOVES HIM AWAY.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, LATE THAT NIGHT. RED IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR AND BOB AND JOANNE ARE ON THE COUCH WHEN KITTY COMES IN FROM THE LIVING ROOM FROM THE KITCHEN.

RED:

(to Kitty) Who was that?

KITTY:

(with an very uncomfortable smile) That was ... um ... that was the police.

JOANNE:

What's wrong? Are the kids alright?

KITTY:

(nervously) They're all fine, they're just ... well, they're sort of ... in jail.

THE ADULTS SIT IN STUNNED SILENCE FOR A FEW SECONDS UNTIL BOB SPEAKS.

BOB:

(a beat and then he asks, sheepishly) All of 'em or just Steven?

RED LOOKS HE'S ABOUT TO EXPLODE AND KITTY LOOKS LIKE SHE MIGHT CRY.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"Tonight's The Night - Part Two"

Will the gang get out of jail in time for the wedding? Will Eric come up with some decent vows that don't involve Air Supply? Will Kelso get out of the doghouse? Will Kitty become victim to yet another Grandma Burn? Tune in and see ...

* * *

**A/N **Merry Christmas!! Your present is ... a cliff hanger hehehe ;) 

And, this year, I asked Santa for reviews :)

**P.S. **luvcali76 and myself have written a J/H Christmas/New Year's one-shot called "Same Old Lang Syne" check it out if you're interested.


	40. Tonight's The Night Part Two

"Tonight's The Night - Part Two"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Rod Stewart.

I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disastrous way the show ended. This is Episode 9-9.

Alright, I know this took a long time, but life just keeps getting in the way of my T7S obsession. I need to say a big thank you to luvcali, who makes me laugh when I feel like throwing my computer out the window. And thank you to cronball who gave me some D/E song advice.

Thanks for all the reviews, you guys are better than Santa. And it was great to hear from some people who have never reviewed before, and of course, those wonderful, amazing reviewers who have been here since my first episode. Thank you all!!!!

* * *

ACT 1 

SCENE 1

A BLACK SCREEN READS, "POINT PLACE, WISCONSIN 15 HOURS BEFORE ERIC FORMAN'S WEDDING"

INT. POINT PLACE JAIL, AN HOUR AFTER THE GANG HAS BEEN ARRESTED, LAURIE AND HYDE ARE SITTING ON A BENCH UP AGAINST THE WALL, PLAYING CARDS. JACKIE IS LAYING DOWN WITH HER HEAD IN HYDE'S LAP. DONNA IS STANDING AT THE BARS, WITH HER ARMS DANGLING OUT LOOKING EXTREMELY PISSED. FEZ SITS NEXT TO LAURIE, FIDGETING NERVOUSLY. ERIC IS PACING THE CELL AND BROOKE AND KELSO SIT AGAINST THE OPPOSITE WALL FROM HYDE AND THE OTHERS. KELSO KEEPS TRYING TO PUT HIS ARM AROUND BROOKE AND SHE KEEPS SHOVING HIM AWAY.

ERIC:

This cannot be happening, I'm getting married tomorrow and I'm in jail. Jail!(he yells towards Donna) This is not what we put on our invitations, Donna. (his voice cracking) People are going to be very confused. What if some of them think I didn't show up again? (getting twitchy) That gay rumor was really hard to squelch!

HYDE:

(annoyed with Eric) Relax, _Erica_. Sit down, play some cards. Things could be worse.

LAURIE:

(nodding in agreement) Hyde's right. As jails go, this one's pretty nice.

ERIC:

(to Hyde and Laurie) Who _are_ you two?

HYDE:

(with a wicked grin) We're every parent's worst nightmare.

JACKIE:

This sucks. (with a pout to the other girls) We are _totally _gonna get kicked out of The Secret Hot Girl's Club for this.

KELSO:

(yelps indignantly) _UH!_ You said there was no secret hot girl's club.

LAURIE:

(smiling) There wasn't ... until we formed one.

FEZ:

(to Hyde and Kelso) We should form a Secret Hot Guy's Club.

JACKIE:

(reaching up to rub Hyde's beard) But Steven would get so lonely going to meetings by himself.

FEZ:

(very confused) But ... we would go with him. (slowly, realization sets in) Ahhh ... I get it. A burn on us and a boost to Hyde's ego. Bravo, Jackie. (to Hyde) She is talented.

HYDE:

(nodding proudly) That she is, my freaky foreign friend.

ERIC:

Excuse me, does anyone care that we're in jail? Bad things happen to guys like me in jail. I see a lot of men named Spike in my future.

DONNA STARTS TRYING TO RATTLE THE BARS

DONNA:

(yelling to an unseen guard) Let me out of here or I swear to God I'm gonna squeeze through these bars and kick some ass!

LAURIE:

(to Eric) Explain to me how a guy named Spike is different from Donna.

HYDE:

Donna's got a nice rack.

FEZ:

What about me? I am a sexy son of a bitch. Those criminals will be on me like white on rice. I will have to join one of their gangs. (sadly) Ai. I hope they don't make me shave my head. My hair is my crowning glory.

KELSO:

You think you guys are in trouble? I'm a cop. Do you have any ideas what they do to cops in jail? (scoots closer to Brooke and pouts) Brooke, I'm a goner.

BROOKE:

(she shoves Kelso away from her) Back off, Michael.

HYDE:

(grins at Kelso) Looks like you might be safer in jail, man.

BROOKE:

This is horrible. I'm a librarian. Librarians don't go to jail.

KELSO:

Well ... (he pauses with a dirty smile) there was that one movie.

HYDE:

(interrupting) Kelso, now's probably not the time to talk about "Naughty Librarians Go Wild".

DONNA STARTS RATTLING THE BARS AGAIN AND YELLING THROUGH THEM.

DONNA:

I am _not_ getting married in an orange jumpsuit! Dammit, we want a lawyer! I know my rights!

HYDE:

(to Laurie) Donna fits in well in prison.

LAURIE:

(nodding) She's gonna do fine.

ERIC SIGHS, COMPLETELY DEPRESSED AND SINKS DOWN ON THE BENCH NEXT TO KELSO.

ERIC:

I just wanna get married.

KELSO:

Relax, Eric, Pastor Dave will just have to come here. Jail's cooler than a church, anyway. If you can _do it_ in prison I'm sure you can get _married_ in prison.

FEZ:

(his eyes suddenly light up) You can do it in prison? (a beat) Maybe prison is not so bad. Bring in a hot tub and I may never leave.

EVERYONE STARES STRANGELY AT FEZ

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, A SHORT WHILE LATER. RED IS IN HIS CHAIR. BEA, PAULA AND MARTY ARE ON THE COUCH WEARING THEIR PAJAMAS AND ROBES. MIDGE AND MARSH ARE ON THE PIANO BENCH WHILE BOB PACES BEHIND THE COUCH AND JOANNE STANDS WATCHING HIM. KITTY ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN CARRYING A LARGE TRAY OF FOOD.

KITTY:

(flustered) Ok, I made cookies and pizza rolls. I wasn't sure what the occasion called for. There really isn't a food that says, "My three babies are in jail and I really wish I hadn't given up both smoking _and_ the little yellow pills."

MIDGE:

(to Bob) So, I leave my daughter here with you and she ends up in jail. If she would've come to California with me the only thing she would've gotten was a tan, not a criminal record.

BOB:

(points at her accusingly) Maybe if you hadn't turned her into one of those feminists she wouldn't be out in bars starting fights.

JOANNE:

(to Bob) Ok, let's get you a cupcake or something to clam you down.

JOANNE START TO LEAD BOB TOWARDS THE KITCHEN

MARSH:

(with overly-dramatic sympathy) Don't worry, everyone. I'm sure prison's not as bad as we make it out to be in the movies. You know, everything you see in the movies isn't actually true.

BEA:

(shaking her head) I knew something like this was bound to happen. Kitty, you smothered him so much, he's acting out.

MARTY:

No that's not it. It's because he feels unloved. He's crying out for help.

PAULA:

(to Bea and Marty) Now let's not judge Red and Kitty, they've done the best they could with what they had to work with.

BOB STOPS BY RED'S CHAIR RED IS WATCHING THE ENTIRE SCENE, SILENTLY FUMING.

BOB:

(to Red) Remember the days when I was the only person around that pissed you off?

RED:

(nodding with a frown) Yep. Those were good times.

BOB NODS IN AGREEMENT AND THEN HEADS INTO THE KITCHEN.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. POINT PLACE JAIL

A BLACK SCREEN READS, "13 HOURS BEFORE ERIC FORMAN'S WEDDING" THE GANG IS IN ALMOST THE SAME POSITION AS BEFORE. HYDE AND JACKIE BOTH APPEAR TO BE SLEEPING JACKIE IS STILL LAYING IN HYDE'S LAP. FEZ HAS HIS HEAD IN LAURIE'S LAP AND SHE IS SCRATCHING HER FINGERS THROUGH HIS HAIR. DONNA IS AT THE BARS AND ERIC IS SITTING WITH KELSO AND BROOKE WHO IS ALSO LAYING DOWN. KELSO COVERS BROOKE WITH HIS JACKET AND SHE RELUCTANTLY TAKES IT.

FEZ:(sings)

"_Nobody knows the troubles I seen_

_Nobody knows but Jesus"_

HYDE:

(without opening his eyes) You keep singing and you're gonna have more troubles than just being in jail.

FEZ SCOWLS AT HYDE AS KELSO LEANS DOWN TO TALK TO BROOKE.

KELSO:

Brookie Bear? (trying to rub her back) Are you still mad at me?

BROOKE SMACKS KELSO'S ARM AWAY

LAURIE:

(laughs at Kelso) I'm gonna take that as a "yes".

DONNA:

(pointing through the bars) You better pray you're not here when I get out, buddy! That's right, you with the bad moustache, I'm talkin' to you!

HYDE:

(opens his eyes and looks at Eric) Hey, Forman, you might wanna reign in Donna before she goes all Bruce Lee on some cop and you two spend your honeymoon in the Big House.

FEZ:

(sings) "_Swing low_

_Sweet chariot_

_Comin' for to carry me home"_

ERIC:

Fez, I'm about 30 seconds away from kicking your ass.

LAURIE:

(rolling her eyes at Eric) Pft. 30 seconds? More like 30 pounds. (to Fez) Sing away, honey.

THE DOOR FROM OUTSIDE THE CELL OPENS AND A POLICEMAN WALKS IN. HE HEADS TOWARDS THE CELL DOOR AND STARTS TO UNLOCK IT.

OFFICER WALTERS:

Steven and Jackie Hyde, your bail's been paid. You two can go.

JACKIE AND HYDE IMMEDIATELY JUMP UP AND START HEADING TOWARDS THE NOW OPEN DOOR. THE REST OF THE GROUP LOOKS STUNNED. FEZ AND BROOKE BOTH SIT UP AND ERIC AND KELSO STAND.

ERIC:

What the hell?

KELSO:

(to Hyde) Who paid your freakin' bail?

HYDE:

(with a grin) That would be W.B. I had them put his name and number in my file. He's swings by and bails me out and then we go have a beer and laugh at all the white people still locked up.

KELSO:

(indignantly) Damn, Hyde, first you get two Hoppity Hops at Christmas and now _this._ Man, I want a cool, rich dad, too.

ERIC:

(relieved) This is perfect. You guys can go get some money, come back and bail us out.

HYDE:

(gives Eric a wicked grin) We _could_. But that wouldn't be very much fun for us, now, would it.

FEZ:

(like he's about to cry) You better be kidding you son-of-a-bitch.

JACKIE:

(wrapping her arms around Hyde's neck) Oh, Steven, you got me out of this horrible place. You're my hero. (in a husky voice) I am _so_ turned on right now.

HYDE:

(quickly) Good luck gettin' out of jail, guys!

HYDE GRABS JACKIE'S HAND AND YANKS HER OUT OF THE CELL. DONNA STARTS YELLING AFTER THEM.

DONNA:

Jackie, you have to come back. A good matron-of-honor would bail out the bride. (she pauses and frowns) Wow. That felt really weird to say.

JACKIE:

(sighing in annoyance) Fine. Just give me a half-hour and I'll be back.

HYDE WHISPERS SOMETHING IN JACKIE'S EAR

JACKIE:(cont'd)

An hour. Just give me an _hour_ and I'll be back.

DONNA:

(yells in exasperation) _Jackie_!

JACKIE:

_God_! Ok, we'll be right back. You know, no where in my matron-of-honor handbook did it list among my duties, "bailing out the bride."

THEY TURN TO LEAVE AGAIN AND HYDE STOPS AND LOOKS AROUND WITH A SATISFIED SMIRK.

HYDE:

It almost makes me sad to go. I mean, how often to I get to have company when I'm locked up? You know, next time I'm arrested I'm gonna make sure I take you guys down with me.

KELSO:

(touched) Hey, thanks, man.

HYDE:

(nods) Don't mention it.

ERIC:

(stepping in between Hyde and Kelso) _Excuse me_! Money. (pointing out the door) Go. Get. Now!

HYDE:

(to Eric) You better watch it, man. Or I'm bailing out everybody but you.

ERIC:

You wouldn't.

FEZ:

(in disbelief to Eric) Of course he would. Are you new here?

HYDE AND JACKIE WALK AWAY FROM THE CELL TOWARDS THE DOOR AND DONNA CALLS AFTER THEM.

DONNA:

And don't stop along the way to do it somewhere.

HYDE:

(over his shoulder) I'm not making any promises.

HYDE AND JACKIE EXIT AND THE GANG LOOKS AT EACH OTHER LIKE THEY'RE SUDDENLY REALIZING SOMETHING.

ERIC:

We're in here for another hour, aren't we.

DONNA:

(nodding) At least. I used to share a room with her, remember? An hour's _nothing_ for those two.

FEZ:

So. (looking at everyone with a smile) Back to doing it in jail. Do Laurie and I need to ask for a special room, or how does this work?

IGNORING FEZ, EVERYONE GOES BACK TO THEIR RESPECTIVE SEATS, LOOKING REALLY ANNOYED.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. FORMAN HOUSE, A SHORT WHILE LATER. THE LIGHTS ARE ALL OFF AND THE HOUSE IS QUIET WHEN HYDE AND JACKIE SNEAK INTO THE KITCHEN.

JACKIE:

(whispering) What are we supposed to tell the Formans when they ask why we're picking up the twins in the middle of the night?

HYDE:

(with a shrug) Tell 'em we forgot where we left them.

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes) _Steven._

HYDE:

Fine. Don't say anything. I'll handle it.

HYDE AND JACKIE HEAD TOWARDS THE DOOR TO THE LIVING ROOM WHEN IT SUDDENLY SWINGS OPEN AND RED, KITTY, BOB, JOANNE, MIDGE AND MARSH ARE ALL GATHERED IN THE DOORWAY AND LOOKING EXTREMELY IRRITATED.

RED:

(scowls at Hyde) How was jail, dumbass?

HYDE:

(quickly, trying to be cool) Umm ... we weren't, I mean. Why would you think ... (he realizes Red's not buying it and he drops the act) crap.

JACKIE:

(leans in and whispers sarcastically to Hyde) Nice job "handling it", baby.

HYDE TURNS AND FROWNS AT JACKIE.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. POINT PLACE JAIL, A SHORT WHILE LATER. NOW EVERYONE IS SLEEPING. FEZ AND LAURIE ARE LAYING ON THEIR BENCH, SNUGGLED UP TOGETHER. ERIC AND DONNA ARE ASLEEP SITTING UP ON THE SAME BENCH AND ERIC HAS HIS ARM WRAPPED AROUND DONNA. BROOKE IS SLEEPING ON THE OPPOSITE BENCH AND KELSO IS UNDERNEATH HER ASLEEP ON THE FLOOR AND SHIVERING. OFFICER WALTERS COMES IN AND STARTS UNLOCKING THE CELL DOOR. HE'S HOLDING A STACK OF PAPERS. AS HE TALKS THE GANG SLOWLY WAKES UP.

OFFICER WALTERS:

(reading off a sheet of paper) Alright, Donna Pinciotti, Brooke Bell, Laurie ... (he pauses, clearly unable to pronounce Laurie's last name) Laurie something something, you ladies are free to go. Your bail's been paid.

ERIC:

(confused) Excuse me? Just the girls, what about us?

OFFICER WALTERS:

(looking at his sheet) Nobody's paid your bail.

FEZ:

(smiles and nods) Ahhh ... good burn, Hyde.

KELSO STANDS UP AND CROSSES TO OFFICER WALTERS.

KELSO:

(grinning) Hey, Walters, how about you let me go? You know, one cop doin' a favor for another cop.

OFFICER WALTERS:

(with a scowl) You mean, like when you put shaving cream in my shoes.

KELSO:

(his smile falls) Yeah. Like that, only nicer.

OFFICER WALTERS SHAKES HIS HEAD AT KELSO AND OPENS THE CELL TO LET THE GIRLS OUT. DONNA GETS UP AND ERIC LOOKS TOTALLY SHOCKED.

ERIC:

(to Donna) Wait, you guys aren't actually going to leave us here, are you?

DONNA:

(indicating her disheveled appearance) Do you want me to smell like beer and have pretzels in my hair when I walk down the aisle? I need a freakin' shower, Eric!

KELSO:

(quietly, to Eric) Let her go, man. Nobody likes a smelly bride.

LAURIE:

Ok, now, Fezzy - if anybody bothers you do you remember what I showed you?

FEZ:

(nods) Yes. Knee them in the groin and then while they are bent over moaning - poke them in the eyes.

LAURIE:

And if that doesn't work use Eric as a human shield.

LAURIE GIVES FEZ A QUICK KISS AND THEN HEADS OUT OF THE CELL. BROOKE WALKS OUT WITHOUT SAYING GOODBYE TO KELSO.

KELSO:

(calling after Brooke) I love you, Brookie Bear. I'll miss you.

BROOKE JUST KEEPS ON WALKING. KELSO TURNS BACK TO THE GUYS.

KELSO:(cont'd)

(sadly) You guys, I'm startin' to think Brooke's mad at me.

ERIC:

Hey, Fez, come do that knee in the groin thing to Kelso.

ERIC STANDS AND WALKS DONNA TOWARDS THE DOOR.

DONNA:

'Bye, Eric. I'll see you at the church. I'll be the one in white. (with a dismissive wave) Or, off-white ... whatever.

DONNA GIVES ERIC A KISS AND THEN, SHE FOLLOWS THE OTHER GIRLS OUT OF THE CELL. FEZ STANDS AND CROSSES TO THE GUYS.

FEZ:

(sadly) So, our women are free, Hyde is off doing it with Jackie and we are sitting in jail just waiting to become someone's girlfriend.

KELSO:

(nodding) Yep. We've been burned by like 10 people. If I weren't really pissed-off right now I'd probably be super impressed. Co-ordinated burns are tough to execute.

FEZ NODS IN AGREEMENT AS ERIC STARTS BANGING HIS HEAD ON THE BARS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 6

INT. DONNA'S ROOM, A FEW HOURS LATER. A MAKEUP/ HAIR/CHAMPAGNE CIRCLE. ALL THE GIRLS ARE AT A DIFFERENT STAGE OF READINESS. THEY ARE ALSO ALL HAVING CHAMPAGNE, EXCEPT FOR HYDE WHO HAS A BEER. DONNA HAS NO MAKEUP ON AND HER HAIR PULLED BACK, SHE HAS ZIT CREAM ON HER FACE. SHE LOOKS ALMOST GIDDY, SHE'S SO EXCITED.

DONNA:

Holy crap. I'm getting married. I'm getting _married_!

PAN TO JACKIE WHO HAS HER MAKEUP DONE BUT HER HAIR IS IN HOT ROLLERS.

JACKIE:

(with a smug smile) Yeah, if Eric gets out of jail.

PAN TO HYDE LOOKING BACK AND FORTH AT ALL THE GIRLS WITH A BIG GRIN.

HYDE:

I have to say, Red bailing you guys out and leaving the moron triplets behind was just about the sweetest burn _ever_.

PAN TO JACKIE

JACKIE:

(a little nervously to all the girls) Yeah, oh and we were _totally_ on our way to come back and bail you guys out. But... you know... Red beat us to it.

PAN TO HYDE

HYDE:

(he laughs at Jackie's lie) Haha. (flatly, to the other girls) No we weren't.

PAN TO BROOKE WHO IS BRUSHING HER HAIR OVER AND OVER, LIKE SHE'S TAKING HER ANGER OUT ON IT.

BROOKE:

What am I supposed to do about Michael? I mean he doesn't actually like that girl does he?

PAN TO LAURIE WHO IS PAINTING HER NAILS.

LAURIE:

Brooke, here's the thing about Kelso. (a beat) He's an idiot.

PAN TO DONNA WHO IS NODDING IN AGREEMENT

DONNA:

(matter-of-fact) He really is.

PAN TO LAURIE

LAURIE:

And he says things without thinking.

PAN TO BROOKE

BROOKE:

(with a hopeful smile) Really?

PAN TO HYDE

HYDE:

Kelso's like a really nice coffee machine without a filter. You can try like hell to make a good cup of coffee; but without that filter it's gonna taste like grainy, crappy beans in water. Kelso's missing his filter. So, no matter what he tries to say, it comes out tasting like crap.

PAN TO JACKIE

JACKIE:

(to Brooke) So it's _your_ job to sift through the crap and get to the good stuff. You're, like, the strainer in his crappy cup of coffee.

PAN TO HYDE.

HYDE:

That's right. So forget about the whole Pam thing and try to concentrate on the fact that you are the proud owner of one really nice looking coffee maker...and the grocery store is perpetually out of filters. (Hyde pauses and looks around the circle as if he is noticing for the first time that the girls are all un made-up) Man, you guys look weird.

SUDDENLY THE GIRLS BELT HYDE WITH ALL SORTS OF BEAUTY PRODUCTS: CURLERS, BRUSHES, MAKEUP. HE PUTS UP HIS ARMS TO TRY AND BLOCK IT, THEN HE STARTS LAUGHING, HYSTERICALLY.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 7

INT. POINT PLACE JAIL, A FEW HOURS LATER. ERIC, FEZ AND KELSO ARE SITTING ON A BENCH, STARING STRAIGHT AHEAD.

FEZ:

(looking back and forth from Kelso to Eric) So. Here we are in our tiny, little cell. Maybe this would be a good time for me to tell you I get gassy when I am nervous.

ERIC:

(totally depressed) I feel so helpless just sitting here. It's like Luke when he was on Dagobah and Han and Leia were being tortured on Cloud City, but he couldn't get to them.

KELSO:

(suddenly excited) Ooh ... Yoda. That's what I want my prison nickname to be. Nobody's gonna mess with a guy named "Yoda."

OFFICER WALTERS COMES BACK IN AND UNLOCKS THE DOOR TO THE CELL.

OFFICER WALTERS:

Okay, boys. Time to go.

THE GUYS ALL STAND UP AND START TO HEAD OUT.

ERIC:

Oh thank God. Hyde paid our bail.

OFFICER WALTERS STOPS ERIC FROM LEAVING.

OFFICER WALTERS:

Somebody paid _their _bail. (he indicates Kelso and Fez) _You've_ got a visitor. (he points at Eric)

EVERYONE TURNS TO LOOK AS RED ENTERS THE ROOM. THE GUYS LOOK LIKE THEY'RE GOING TO LOSE IT.

ERIC:

(pleading with Officer Walters) Please leave that door locked. Those bars are going to save my life.

RED:

(pointing to Kelso and Fez) You two - out.

KELSO:

(quickly) Later, Forman.

KELSO QUICKLY RUNS OUT OF THE CELL.

FEZ:

(very nervously glancing at Red) Eric, I am so sorry for you. (a beat) But not sorry enough to stay.

FEZ EXITS AND RED WALKS INTO THE CELL AND SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.

ERIC:

(nervously) Dad, just remember, if you kill me in prison there's a pretty good chance the cops will catch you.

RED:

(angrily) Do you have any idea the state your mother is in right now?

ERIC:

(dryly) Um ... is it Wisconsin? (Red looks like he's going to kill Eric, so Eric quickly drops the sarcasm) Ok, that was a really un-called for. I'm sorry.

RED:

I had to call the zoo and get some elephant tranquilizers just to get her calm enough to have a glass of wine. She's trying to plan a wedding, while fending off her evil mother and her loopey sister; and then she finds out that all of her children are in jail. That made her just a little upset. No. (he pauses and gives a sarcastic smile) I take that back. The Cuban missel crisis made her a little upset. You, Laurie and Steven in jail has made her a lunatic.

ERIC:

(very sincerely) Dad, I'm really sorry. But these guys were hitting on Brooke and Laurie and then they went after Fez and Kelso.

RED:

(interrupting) Eric -

ERIC:

What was I supposed to do?

RED:

You're supposed to shut the hell up and listen to me.

ERIC:

(timidly) Ok. I can do that.

RED:

(with a sigh) I know why you got in the fight. Steven told us. And that is the _only_ reason you're still breathing right now.

ERIC:

I'm a little confused, but as long as your foot's not in my ass, it's alright.

RED:

(sternly but proud) Eric, you've always stuck by your friends; and that's an admirable quality.

ERIC:

(totally stunned) Oh my God. Are you actually giving me a compliment? While I'm in jail?

RED:

I'm glad that you didn't back down from a fight, and that you were there when you were needed. (very cranky) I'm _not_ glad I had to bail you and your idiot friends out of jail. Eric, you're getting married today.

ERIC:

I know that, Dad.

RED:

(very serious) Do you? Do you really understand what you're doing? Because you're not some dumb kid anymore. You're an adult and you're going to have a wife to take care of. And someday, God help us, kids.

ERIC:

(looks a little confused) So, what are you saying? No more bar fights?

RED:

Bar fights are alright if they're for a good cause. Just make sure Steven's there so you don't get the crap kicked out of you. I'm saying you need to spend less time playing with dolls and reading comic books and doing God knows what in the basement; and more time doing boring crap that Donna wants to do.

ERIC:

(with a small smile) Dad. I'm ready for this, I promise. I've been ready for this since the first time I kissed Donna.

RED:

You weren't ready a year ago when you didn't show up for your wedding.

ERIC:

Ok. (a beat) Except for that _one _day, I've been ready for this since the first time I kissed Donna.

RED:

You better be. I don't know how you and Steven lucked out with girls that are way too good for you, but you better hope Donna and Jackie never figure that out.

ERIC:

(shrugs) If they haven't by now, I think we're in the clear.

RED:

(opens the cell door) Alright, let's get the hell out of here before your mother's drugs wear off and she tries to strangle one of our relatives.

RED EXITS THE CELL WITH ERIC CLOSE BEHIND HIM. THEN RED STOPS AND TURNS BACK TO ERIC.

RED:(cont'd)

So, did you pound the guy that was hitting on your sister?

ERIC:

(nods) Yep.

RED:

Good boy.

RED PATS ERIC ON THE BACK AND THEY BOTH WALK OFF, EXITING THE JAIL.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, A SHORT WHILE LATER

A BLACK SCREEN READS, "8 HOURS BEFORE ERIC FORMAN'S WEDDING" KITTY IS RUNNING AROUND A LITTLE FRANTICALLY, AND HYDE IS AT THE TABLE EATING. ERIC WALKS IN FROM OUTSIDE AND KITTY IMMEDIATELY RUSHES OVER TO HUG HIM.

KITTY:

Oh my God, Eric, are you alright? (she pulls him away from her so she can look at him) Did anyone hurt you? (a little crazed) If they did we will just send Steven right down to that jail to show them what pain_ really_ is.

ERIC:

Mom, I'm fine. No one hurt me.

HYDE:

You should've seen him, Mom, he was pretty tough. You know he's usually like, (doing his panicking Eric impression) "oh my God, what are we gonna do?" (back to himself) Well. (smirking proudly) He _totally _didn't even say that.

KITTY:

Really? (with a huge smile) Well aren't you my brave little soldier.

HYDE:

Yeah, he was too worried about how and Donna were going to consummate their marriage if they were in jail.

KITTY'S SMILE FALLS AND SHE LOOKS REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE. HYDE GRINS AT ERIC.

ERIC:

(flatly) Thanks for that, Hyde. That was a special moment.

KITTY:

Oh, now, that's just wrong.

RED WALKS IN AND HANDS ERIC A PIECE OF PAPER.

ERIC:

(looking at the paper) What's this?

RED:

(grouchy) It's a bill for you and all your idiot friend's bail. And I expect to be paid in cash.

RED HEADS BACK OUTSIDE AS BEA ENTERS CARRYING A PLATE OF FOOD. SHE IMMEDIATELY HEADS FOR ERIC.

BEA:

(starts fussing over Eric) Eric, you're safe. Thank goodness.

ERIC:

I'm fine, Grandma.

BEA:

(with an injured sigh) Well, at least you got a decent meal in jail. (setting her plate of food down) Kitty, this pasta salad is so salty I need to double my blood pressure medicine.

ERIC:

(takes a deep sigh and then points at Bea) You know what, Grandma, my mom doesn't have to take your crap anymore. (nods, getting more confident) That's right. You wanna know why, because she's the best mother in the whole world, that's why. All she ever does is take care of other people and make everyone feel loved. What do you do? Nothing but walk around here and drop grandma burns all over everybody, that's what.

KITTY:

(so touched she looks like she might cry) Oh, Eric.

BEA:

(taken aback) Eric, I ... I'm so sorry. I had no idea. (suddenly turns to Kitty and frowns) You know, Kitty, you could have told me Eric felt this way. Is that too much to ask?

KITTY:

(completely exasperated) Oh I give up.

KITTY EXITS INTO THE LIVING ROOM AND BEA JUST SMILES AND SHRUGS AT ERIC AND HYDE, THEN SHE, TOO, HEADS INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

HYDE:

(to Eric) Wow. You actually spoke your mind. Being in jail really changed you, man.

ERIC:

(with a cocky smile) You're looking at the newer, tougher, stronger ... (he kisses each of his biceps and then pauses and sniffs, quickly wrinkling up his nose) and apparently smellier - Eric Forman.

HYDE STANDS UP AND CROSSES TO ERIC.

HYDE:

Yeah, I forgot to mention that. You get a little ripe after spending the night in jail.

ERIC NODS AND HYDE HEADS INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT. THE GIRL'S DRESSING ROOM AT THE CHURCH, AN HOUR BEFORE THE WEDDING. JACKIE IS PUTTING THE FINISHING TOUCHES ON DONNA: STRAIGHTENING HER VEIL, SMOOTHING HER DRESS. BROOKE AND LAURIE ARE GETTING BETSY AND LAYLA INTO THEIR FLOWER GIRL DRESSES.

JACKIE:

(to Donna) Do you have your something old, something new, something borrowed something blue?

DONNA:

Yeah. Eric's all four. I've know him since I was a kid so he's "old", he's gonna be my husband which takes care of "new", he'll be wearing a rented tux so that's "borrowed", and we haven't had sex in a week so ... (she grins) well, you can figure out the rest.

KELSO STARTS BANGING ON THE DOOR.

KELSO:

(yelling through the closed door) You guys, let me in!

DONNA:

(yelling back at him through the door) Go away, Kelso. We all have our clothes on so you're out of luck.

KELSO:

I need to talk to Brooke.

JACKIE, LAURIE AND DONNA APPROACH THE DOOR LOOKING A LITTLE DANGEROUS.

JACKIE:

(bitchy) Go ahead, talk.

KELSO:

Can you open up the door, please?

LAURIE:

You can talk through a door.

KELSO:

(yells spastically) But then she can't see my sad face.

BROOKE SIGHS AND CROSSES TO THE DOOR, LEANING AGAINST IT AS SHE TALKS THROUGH IT.

BROOKE:

What do you want to say, Michael?

KELSO:

That I'm sorry. (a little quieter) I'm _so_ sorry, Brooke. I love you and there's no one else for me, I promise. (he pauses) Sometimes I just, I ... (yells again) damn, Brooke, you really need to see my sad face right now!

BROOKE BEGRUDGINGLY OPENS THE DOOR AND KELSO IS STANDING OUTSIDE WITH A GIANT POUT ON HIS FACE.

KELSO:(cont'd)

(pointing to his face) See? Look how sad I am. (he sighs and shakes his head like he's confused) I don't know why I say the things I say sometimes. But I do know I'm not gonna stop saying them. So sometimes you're just gonna have to tune out my voice or, I don't know, hit me in the eye.

BROOKE:

(confused) What?

KELSO:

(nods) Yeah, it works really well when Hyde does it. (sadly) Please don't be mad at me anymore. (with a small smile) I brought you flowers.

KELSO BRINGS OUT A BOUQUET FROM BEHIND HIS BACK AND BROOKE LOOKS AT IT QUIZZICALLY.

BROOKE:

Michael, that's my bouquet.

KELSO:

(proudly) I know. And I brought it to you.

BROOKE:

(tries to look angry and finally sighs and relents) Come here ...

BROOKE LAUGHS AND PULLS KELSO TO HER, THEY KISS AND DONNA, JACKIE AND LAURIE "AWWWW" KELSO BREAKS THEIR KISS AND HE STARTS TO PULL BROOKE OUT OF THE ROOM.

KELSO:

(with a dopey grin) Come on. We've got just enough time for make-up sex before the wedding starts.

BROOKE AND KELSO EXIT AND THE OTHERS GO BACK TO GETTING READY.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. CHURCH BASEMENT, A FEW MINUTES BEFORE THE WEDDING. HYDE AND ERIC ARE FINISHING GETTING READY. ERIC IS NERVOUSLY PACING.

ERIC:

Hyde, you got the rings?

HYDE:

Yep. (patting his breast pocket) Right here, man.

ERIC:

Good. (he holds out a small pillow) Now put them on this pillow and give them to your son.

HYDE:

You think the rings are safer with a seven month-old than me? (pauses and thinks for a second) Oh. (smirks and nods) Yeah, that's about right. (Hyde takes the pillow and then starts to put the rings on it) Forman, I ... uh ... I think I'm supposed to have some words of wisdom for you. (a beat) But I don't. (he produces a beer from inside his pants pocket) But I do have a beer.

ERIC:

Even better. (taking the beer from Hyde)

HYDE:

(with a grin) I'm happy for you, man.

ERIC:

Thanks, Hyde.

THEY HUG AND THEN HYDE FROGGS HIM. ERIC RUBS HIS ARM IN PAIN AS HYDE LAUGHS AT HIM.

HYDE:

You are so lucky to have Donna, man. Without her, there would definitely be a lot of "Star Wars" conventions in your future.

ERIC:

Oh I'm still going to those. But now, Donna has to come with me. (like it's finally sinking in) I'm getting married.

HYDE:

I sure as hell hope so, otherwise I rented this frickin' tux for nothing.

KELSO AND FEZ ENTER CARRYING CANS OF SHAVING CREAM, TOILET PAPER, AND LOTS OF CONDOMS.

ERIC:

(to Fez and Kelso) What the hell were you two doing?

FEZ:

(nervously) Well if you think we were decorating the vista cruiser with shaving cream, toilet paper and balloon animals you are wrong.

KELSO:

Yeah. (a beat and then he holds out some of the condoms) Oh, and, here's some extra condoms if anyone needs 'em.

HYDE SHAKES HIS HEAD AND ERIC STARTS SLAMMING HIS BEER.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. THE CHURCH, WEDDING TIME. THE CHURCH IS DECORATED BEAUTIFULLY AND FILLED WITH GUESTS. ON DONNA'S SIDE SIT CHLOE, MIDGE, MARSH AND JOANNE. ON ERIC'S SIDE ARE PENNY, PAULA, BEA, LEO, MITCH, FENTON, AND W.B. PASTOR DAVE IS STANDING AT THE END OF THE AISLE.

FENTON:

(to Leo) Are you friends of the groom?

LEO:

I don't know. (he pauses, thinking) I think so.

THE MUSIC BEGINS AND THE GUESTS TURN TO WATCH AS RED, ERIC AND KITTY BEGIN TO WALK DOWN THE AISLE. ERIC IS ESCORTING KITTY WHO IS SOBBING AND RED WALKS ALONG SIDE OF THEM. LOOKING A LITTLE DISPLEASED WITH KITTY'S TEARS, RED STOPS THEM AND PULLS ERIC AND KITTY BACK INTO THE DOOR WAY OF THE CHURCH.

RED:

Alright, everybody stop. We are not walking down this aisle crying like a bunch of babies. Kitty, say what you want to say to the boy. But make it quick or people are going to think he's backing out again.

KITTY:

(she stops crying and gives Eric a sweet smile) Eric, everyone needs someone in their lives. That's what makes life so beautiful. I'm just so happy you found your someone. And also that you were smart enough to realize you found your someone. Because sometimes you can be ... well ...

RED:

(interrupting) A dumbass.

KITTY:

(turns at Red and points threateningly at him) Do _not_ call my baby boy a dumbass on his wedding day. (her smile comes back and she turns to Eric) I'm just glad that you fought for Donna, and you believed in you and Donna. Because I wanted you to be here today. And I wanted you to be here with Donna.

KITTY GIVES ERIC A KISS ON THE CHEEK.

ERIC:

Thank you, Mom. And believe me, no one is more glad than I am that I didn't screw things up with Donna.

RED:

(smirking) Yeah, I lost money on that one.

ERIC:

(sincerely) I love you guys.

KITTY STARTS TO CRY AGAIN AND PULLS ERIC IN FOR A HUG.

KITTY:

We love you, too, sweetie.

RED:

(with a small smile) Good luck, son.

RED PATS ERIC ON THE BACK AND THEN KITTY PULLS RED INTO THEIR HUG AS WELL. AFTER A FEW SECONDS, RED PULLS AWAY AND PUTS A SMALL SCOWL BACK ON HIS FACE.

RED:(cont'd)

Alright, alright, we don't need to get all touchy-feely. You're getting married, not going off to war. Can we go down the aisle now, please?

ERIC:

(with a nod, very melodramatically) Let's do this thing.

RED ROLLS HIS EYES AT ERIC AND THE THREE OF THEM MAKE THEIR WAY BACK DOWN THE AISLE AGAIN.

CUT TO BROOKE AND KELSO AS THEY START DOWN THE AISLE, PULLING BEHIND THEM A WAGON DECORATED WITH FLOWERS. INSIDE THE WAGON ARE BETSY AND LAYLA IN THEIR FLOWER GIRL DRESSES AND HOLDING BASKETS OF FLOWER PETALS. JAGGER IS IN A TINY TUX AND HOLDS A PILLOW WITH THE RINGS ON IT. KELSO LOOKS BACK AT THE KIDS, AND SUDDENLY LOOKS A LITTLE NERVOUS.

KELSO:

(whispers to Brooke) The girls aren't throwing the petals.

BROOKE:

(whispers back) That's ok, Michael.

KELSO:

(looking a little scared) I don't want Donna mad at me. She'll give me a purple nurple.

KELSO BENDS DOWN TO TALK TO BETSY.

KELSO:(cont'd)

See, Betsy, watch Daddy. You've gotta throw 'em, like this.

STARTS TOSSING PETALS OUT OF BETSY'S BASKET BUT QUICKLY REALIZES THE BABIES DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

KELSO:(cont'd)

Here. I'll help you.

KELSO LIFTS BETSY UP OUT OF THE WAGON AND THEN HE CLIMBS IN WITH JAGGER AND LAYLA AND SETS BETSY DOWN IN HIS LAP. HE LOOKS UP AT BROOKE WITH A HUGE, DOPEY GRIN.

KELSO:(cont'd)

(excited) Come on, Brooke. Pull us!

KELSO BEGINS TOSSING PETALS OUT OF THE GIRLS BASKET AND BROOKE JUST SHAKES HER HEAD AND SMILES, THEN SHE DIGS IN DEEP AND STARTS TO PULL THE WAGON DOWN THE AISLE.

CUT TO LAURIE AND FEZ STARTING DOWN THE AISLE.

FEZ:

Laurie, my lovely, I am sorry we never got to have a big, beautiful wedding with drunk relatives and a conga line.

LAURIE:

(shrugs and then gives Fez a grin) That's ok. We had that guy playing "Sexual Healing" on the organ.

FEZ:

You're right. (sighs dreamily) That was magical.

CUT TO JACKIE AND HYDE STARTING DOWN THE AISLE.

HYDE:

Did I ever tell you what a hot bridesmaid you are?

JACKIE:

No.

HYDE:

(raising an eyebrow) Really? (he looks away from Jackie and shrugs) Oh well.

JACKIE:

(shoves him) _Steven._

HYDE:

Fine. You look beautiful.

JACKIE:

Beautiful? (a little sarcastically) Not smokin', or hot or sexy.

HYDE:

Nope. Beautiful.

JACKIE:

Oh, Steven.

JACKIE LEANS IN AND STARTS TO KISS HYDE. HE SHRUGS HER OFF AND LOOKS A LITTLE EMBARRASSED.

HYDE:

(fixing his coat) Alright, alright, you're gonna mess up the tux.

HYDE AND JACKIE ARRIVE AT THE ALTAR AND PART WAYS. HYDE TAKES HIS PLACE NEXT TO ERIC, WITH FEZ AND KELSO ON HYDE'S LEFT. JACKIE STANDS NEXT TO LAURIE AND BROOKE. W.B. IS NOW HOLDING LAYLA AND JAGGER AND LEO IS HOLDING BETSY. THE MUSIC CHANGES AND EVERYONE STANDS AND TURNS TOWARDS THE BACK OF THE CHURCH. DONNA AND BOB APPEAR IN THE DOORWAY. BOB IS BLUBBERING LIKE A BABY AND DONNA LOOKS BEAUTIFUL IN HER WEDDING DRESS AND VEIL. SHE PULLS THE HANDKERCHIEF OUT OF BOB'S BREAST POCKET AND STARTS TO WIPE HIS EYES.

CUT TO THE GUYS AT THE ALTAR, ERIC LOOKS TOTALLY STUNNED BY DONNA. HE TURNS TO TRY AND SAY SOMETHING TO HYDE, BUT ERIC HAS LOST THE POWER OF SPEECH.

HYDE:

(to Eric) I'm not wipin' your eyes if you start cryin', man.

CUT BACK TO BOB AND DONNA. SHE TRIES TO START THEM DOWN THE AISLE BUT BOB WON'T STOP CRYING. DONNA GIVES A QUICK SMILE TO ALL THE GUESTS AND THEN LEANS IN TO TALK WITH BOB.

DONNA:

Dad, you've gotta stop. If you can't see anything we're gonna crash into the pews and nobody likes a bride that trips on her way down the aisle.

BOB SNIFFLES AND COMPOSES HIMSELF.

BOB:

Ok, cupcake. But once I'm safely seated I'm gonna let loose.

DONNA:

(Donna smiles and gives Bob a nod) Deal.

BOB:

I love you, sweetie.

DONNA:

I love you, too, Dad.

DONNA LEANS IN AND GIVES BOB A KISS. THEN SHE WIPES HIS FACE AGAIN AND HOOKS HER ARM IN HIS AND THEY START DOWN THE AISLE. ALL EYES FOCUS ON DONNA AND BOB AS THEY MAKE THEIR WAY TOWARDS THE ALTAR. THEY REACH THE END OF THE AISLE AND THEY STAND WAITING IN FRONT OF PASTOR DAVE.

PASTOR DAVE:

(with a huge, cheesy smile) Who gives this woman to this man?

BOB:

I do. (sadly) But, do you have to call it "giving away"? Can't we just call it, "borrowing"?

DONNA:

Dad...

BOB:

Ok, ok. (to Eric) Take care of my little girl, Eric.

ERIC:

(nodding) I will, Bob.

BOB STEPS FORWARDS AND GIVES ERIC A HUGE BEAR HUG. ERIC PATS BOB ON THE BACK, AND AFTER A FEW SECONDS IT BECOMES CLEAR THAT BOB ISN'T GOING TO LET GO.

ERIC:(cont'd)

Bob? (looking around for some help) Um, can someone get Bob off me ?

JOANNE GETS UP OUT OF HER SEAT AND HEADS OVER TO ERIC AND BOB. SHE GENTLY PRIES BOB OFF OF ERIC AND THEN LEADS HIM TO THEIR SEATS.

PASTOR DAVE:

(quietly, to Eric and Donna) You kids ready to rock?

ERIC:

(looks at Donna who just laughs and then he nods at Dave) Rock on, Pastor Dave.

PASTOR DAVE:

(addressing the congregation) Welcome, friends and family of Eric and Donna. It's my privilege to be here with you today to watch these two crazy kids tie the knot. You know, not so long ago I can remember these two playing hide and seek in the church basement after Sunday School. Sometimes Donna would look for Eric. Sometimes not. But obviously, somebody found him because, well, here he is. (he smiles at Eric and Donna) Look how far you have come. We're so lucky in this life when we can find a friend. And we're even luckier when that friend turns out to be the person we fall in love with. That's just groovy. So, before we begin, (looking out at all of the guests) is there anyone here who can show just cause why these two should not be married?

CUT TO HYDE, KELSO AND FEZ. KELSO AND FEZ BOTH GET IDIOTIC SMILES ON THEIR FACES AND OPEN THEIR MOUTHS LIKE THEY'RE GOING TO SAY SOMETHING. HYDE TURNS TO THEM AND SPEAKS, QUIETLY.

HYDE:

(with a threatening sneer) Either of you two jackasses open your mouths, you'll be picking your teeth up off the floor.

FEZ AND KELSO'S SMILES QUICKLY FADE AND THEY BOTH IMMEDIATELY SHUT THEIR MOUTHS.

PASTOR DAVE:

Ok, good. (he laughs) I just have to ask. Eric and Donna have written some vows that they would like to share. Donna ...

PASTOR DAVE INDICATES FOR DONNA TO GO AHEAD AND START. DONNA NODS AND THEN TAKES A DEEP BREATH, LOOKING SLIGHTLY NERVOUS.

DONNA:

(very sincerely) Eric, you are my heart. That feeling I get that makes me feel like I can fly ... you're the one who puts that feeling in me. I gave you my heart so many years ago, and you've never made me regret that decision. (she pauses and puts a huge grin on her face) You are my laughter. You keep me smiling, even on those days when I don't think I can smile, those days when I'm about to fall down - you pick me back up and dust me off. And you'll never know how much that means to me. You are my partner. (teasing him) My disco partner, my square dance partner, my trenching partner, my basketball partner. Whatever it is that I want to do in my life, you'll be my partner. My first lieutenant, if you will. And I couldn't ask for a better partner. Because in you I have a partner who I know will always be there. (she smirks) Even if I beat you in basketball. (Eric laughs and gives a shrug and Donna's expression suddenly turns very serious) You are so many things to me. What you mean to me transcends being a friend, or a fiancé or even ... a husband. (she pauses) If someone were to ask me, "what is Eric to you?" I would say ... Eric is my everything.

DONNA SMILES AT ERIC, AS IF SHE'S WAITING FOR HIS REACTION. ERIC LOOKS SHOCKED AND COMPLETELY ELATED AT THE SAME TIME.

ERIC:

(a little nervous) Wow. Now I kind of wish I had gone first because anything I say is gonna sound ... well, not as good as that. (his voice cracks a little) Um, I was going to start by comparing us to Luke and Leia. But then Leia ended up with Han so I didn't really want to put that in our wedding vows. (a beat and then he frowns) And yet, somehow, I just did. (taking a deep breath) Donna, I'm not good with words. In fact, I'm notoriously _bad_ with words. But that's ok. Because I don't think there's a word out there that describes how I feel about you. Maybe I should try and invent one. (he gives her a teasing grin) Flabberunned might be a good one - because I'm flabbergasted and stunned by how beautiful you are. Or what about, thrilazed - because I'm thrilled and amazed that you chose me. (Donna chuckles a bit) No? You don't like those? Ok, ok, I'm not done yet. In _fact_, now that I think about it, I might need to invent more than one word, because one just doesn't seem to be doing it. (he pauses and pretends like he's thinking, Donna chuckles again) Just give me a minute ... ok, I think I've got it this time.(he pauses and this time his face changes to completely serious) Totally and completely head over heels in love. (a beat and he smiles) Well. Whaddya know. There is a word that describes how I feel about you.(shrugs dismissively) Ok, so it's _eight_ words. But who's counting. (very sincerely) Thank you for marrying me, Donna.

DONNA LETS OUT A LITTLE SOB AND THEN BREAKS INTO A HUGE SMILE AND LEANS IN TO KISS ERIC. DAVE INTERRUPTS THEM.

PASTOR DAVE:

(quickly) Hey, hey, hey ... no kissing til I say so. (to Hyde) Steven, do you have the rings?

HYDE NODS AND HEADS TOWARDS W.B. AND JAGGER. HYDE TAKES THE PILLOW OUT OF JAGGER'S HANDS AND THEN TOUSLES HIS HAIR BEFORE TURNING AND HEADING BACK TO HIS SPOT NEXT TO ERIC. DONNA HANDS HER BOUQUET TO JACKIE AND THEN TURNS BACK TO ERIC. HYDE GIVES THE RINGS TO PASTOR DAVE. WHO, IN TURN, HANDS ONE TO ERIC.

PASTOR DAVE:(cont'd)

Eric, put the ring on Donna's finger and repeat after me. I give you this ring...

ERIC:

I give you this ring...

PASTOR DAVE:

In token and pledge...

ERIC:

In token and pledge...

PASTOR DAVE:

Of my constant faithfulness and abiding love.

ERIC:

Of my constant faithfulness and abiding love.

ERIC SLIDES THE RING ON DONNA'S FINGER AND SMILES AT HER.

CUT TO RED AND KITTY. KITTY IS SOBBING AND RED LEANS IN TO HER.

RED:

(quietly) Kitty, if you don't stop crying you're going to miss the whole thing.

KITTY SOBS HARDER AND RED PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HER AND PULLS HER CLOSE AND GIVES HER A KISS ON THE TOP OF HER HEAD.

CUT BACK TO THE ALTAR. DAVE HANDS DONNA A RING.

PASTOR DAVE:

Ok, Donna, your turn. I give you this ring...

DONNA:

Eric, I give you this ring...

PASTOR DAVE:

In token and pledge...

DONNA:

In token and pledge...

PASTOR DAVE:

Of my constant faithfulness and abiding love.

DONNA:

Of my constant faithfulness and abiding love.

AS DONNA PUTS THE RING ON ERIC'S FINGER, BOB LETS OUT A GIANT SOB, AND EVERYONE TURNS TO LOOK AT HIM IN ALARM.

PASTOR DAVE:

You ok there, Bob?

BOB SNIFFLES AND NODS. THEN HE GIVES PASTOR DAVE THE THUMBS UP. JOANNE TRIES TO CONSOLE BOB AND GIVES PASTOR DAVE AN APOLOGETIC SMILE.

JOANNE:

(to Dave) Sorry. Keep going.

PASTOR DAVE:

Alrighty then, I guess there's nothing left to say but; Eric and Donna have committed to each other in holy matrimony by giving and receiving rings. So, with the authority given to me as a minister of Jesus Christ, I now declare you to be husband and wife in accordance with the laws of God and the state of Wisconsin. _Now_ you can kiss each other.

ERIC:

(quietly to Donna) I love you, Donna.

DONNA:

I love you, too, Eric.

ERIC AND DONNA KISS AND EVERYONE BEGINS TO APPLAUD. THE KISS IS ONLY INTERRUPTED BECAUSE THE LOUD SOBS OF BOB AND KITTY CAN BE HEARD OVER THE APPLAUSE.

DONNA:

(to Eric) How long do you think they're gonna keep that up?

ERIC:

Another couple of hours, at least.

DONNA LAUGHS AND ERIC PULLS HER BACK TO HIM AND KISSES HER AGAIN.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 3

SCENE 1

INT. THE HOLIDAY HOTEL BALLROOM - THE RECEPTION, A SHORT WHILE LATER. ERIC AND DONNA ARE GREETING PEOPLE IN A RECEIVING LINE. RED, KITTY, MIDGE AND BOB ARE ALSO IN THE LINE TALKING AND GREETING GUESTS. THE BALLROOM IS FILLED WITH TABLES WHERE PEOPLE ARE STARTING TO SIT DOWN. THERE IS A BAR AT THE BACK OF THE BALLROOM AND THERE'S A BAND AND DANCE FLOOR AT THE OPPOSITE END. THE BAND IS PLAYING _"DREAM WEAVER"_ BY GARY WRIGHT.

ERIC:

(quietly to Donna) I feel a little like Fez, but this song is giving me needs. Exactly how long are we supposed to do this for?

DONNA:

Until we're said "hello" to every single person who came to watch us share our special day.

ERIC:

(irritated) What?

DONNA:

(shrugs) I don't know. That's what your mom told me.

FENTON AND MITCH APPROACH WITH LEO CLOSE BEHIND THEM.

FENTON:

(eyeing Eric and Donna) Well don't you two just look like the perfect little wedding cake topper. I just wanna pick you up and lick the frosting off the bottom of your feet.

DONNA:

(smiles warily) Ok, that's a little creepy.

LEO:

(smiles at Mitch and Fenton) I love these two, man. They're so friendly.

DONNA:

(quietly) Leo, they're gay.

LEO:

(to Donna) I know. You don't meet people that happy and carefree anymore.

MITCH:

I hope you got a good band, Forman. 'Cause we've challenged Fez and Laurie to a dance-off.

ERIC:

(with extreme sarcasm) I'll certainly be looking forward to that.

LEO, MITCH AND FENTON MOVE ON AND W.B. IS NEXT TO GREET ERIC AND DONNA.

W.B.:

(shaking Eric's hand) Congratulations, you two.

ERIC:

Thanks, boss.

W.B. HANDS ERIC AN ENVELOPE.

W.B.:

Here's your gift. Who wants a crock pot when you could have money, right?

ERIC:

(with a huge smile on his face he shakes W.B's hand again) This man is my hero.

W.B. MOVES ON AND HYDE AND JACKIE HOLDING THE TWINS COME UP BEHIND ERIC AND DONNA.

HYDE:

Hey, how's the receiving line going?

ERIC:

(dryly) Oh it's loads of fun. After this we're gonna go drive toothpicks under our fingernails.

HYDE:

Here. It just got better.

HYDE HANDS DONNA AND ERIC EACH A BEER.

ERIC:

(pretending to cry) Hyde, you are, like, the _best_ best man _ever_.

DONNA:

(with a chuckle) Yeah, I don't think the beer goes with my dress.

JACKIE:

(to Donna) Oh just shove it in your bouquet nobody will even notice.

DONNA HIDES THE BEER IN HER FLOWERS AS JACKIE AND HYDE, WITH THE TWINS, WALK OFF. MARK, THE FLORIST AND PAM MACY ARE NEXT TO GREET DONNA AND ERIC.

MARK:

(pointing at Donna's bouquet) Uh-oh, it looks like your bouquet has sprouted a Budweiser. (puts his hand up to his mouth and whispers) Shhh ... I won't tell.

DONNA:

The flowers were amazing, Mark.

MARK:

Well, we aim to please. Isn't that right, Pam.

PAM:

(with a ditzy smile) Have a nice wedding and stuff.

MARK GIVES PAM A SMACK ON THE BUTT AND THEY WANDER OFF AS ERIC AND DONNA WATCH THEM GO, A LITTLE AMUSED.

DONNA:

Wow. I never thought Pam Macy would be at my wedding.

ERIC:

(nodding) Yeah, I know what you mean. I thought she might be at my bachelor party. But, you know, (he shrugs) I thought she'd be jumping out of a cake.

CHLOE REACHES DONNA AND ERIC

ERIC:

(laughing nervously and talking way too loudly) Look, Donna, it's Chloe. Hi Chloe. (can't stop laughing) Why am I talking so loudly?

CHLOE:

(a little apprehensive) You look so beautiful, Donna.

DONNA:

Thanks, Chloe.

CHLOE:

I just wanted you to know that I'm really sorry about you know ...

DONNA:

(interrupting Chloe) Look, let's just forget about it, ok?

CHLOE:

(with a hopeful smile) Oh my God, really?

DONNA:

(thinks for a second and then nods) Yeah. I mean, we're step-sisters now, right? And, you know, it wasn't your fault ... Eric was single and he's a pretty irresistible guy.

ERIC:

(nodding) I really am.

CHLOE:

(giving Donna a smile) That offer to paint your nails still stands.

DONNA:

How about we start with a beer?

CHLOE:

(quickly) Ok, I'll go get you one.

DONNA:

Don't worry, (she holds up her flowers) I've got one in my bouquet.

CHLOE NODS AND THEN MOVES ON DOWN THE LINE LEAVING ERIC AND DONNA TO KEEP GREETING GUESTS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT. THE KITCHEN AT THE HOLIDAY HOTEL, A SHORT WHILE LATER. KITTY IS SITTING BY HERSELF LOOKING VERY SAD AND HAVING A GLASS OF WINE WHEN RED COMES IN.

RED:

What are you doing in here? Are you hiding?

KITTY:

No. I am _not_ hiding. (sadly) I'm just having a small breakdown and I'm choosing to do it in private so that my mother won't judge me. (a beat) Ok ... maybe I'm hiding just a little.

RED:

(with a grin) You want some company?

KITTY:

Sure, but I only have one glass so we'll have to share.

RED:

I think that'll be alright.

RED SITS DOWN NEXT TO KITTY

KITTY:

(starting to cry) Red ... all my babies are gone.

RED:

Kitty, nothing could be further from the truth. Eric and Donna are going to be living with us until those spaced-out hippies building their house manage to pull their heads out of their asses long enough to pound some nails. And Steven is right next door. And Laurie - all you have to do is bake a pie and she and the foreign kid will come running.

KITTY:

But it's not the same. (with a sob) They don't need me anymore.

RED:

(putting his arm around Kitty) Of course they do.

KITTY:

You're just saying that so I'll stop crying.

RED:

_Partly_. But that doesn't mean it's not _true_. The kids are always going to need you. (a beat) Mostly to babysit and cook but they're still going to need you.

KITTY:

(Kitty laughs through her tears and lays her head on Red's shoulder) Oh, Red ... (she pauses and gives a small smile) you know, now we can take that vacation to Hawaii we've always talked about.

RED:

Hawaii? I don't know. I'm not crazy about palm trees. I'm always waiting for someone with a gun to jump out from behind one of them and try to kill me.

KITTY LOOKS AT RED AND BURSTS OUT INTO LAUGHTER. RED CHUCKLES A BIT.

KITTY:

I love you, Red Forman.

SHE LEANS IN AND GIVES RED A KISS. RED WRAPS HIS ARM AROUND HER AND PULLS HER CLOSE.

RED:

Hey ... what is it the kids say? (he points to the bottle of wine) "Don't Bogart that wine."

KITTY HOLDS OUT THE WINE TO RED AND HE ACCEPTS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 3

SCENE 3

INT. AN EMPTY BANQUET ROOM IN THE HOTEL, IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING. ERIC IS IN THE ROOM BY HIMSELF WHEN BOB AND JOANNE COME IN.

BOB:

(excited) Alright, I'm here. (looking around the room) Where's the shrimp cocktail?

ERIC:

(to Bob) It's in the other room.

BOB:

(a little upset) You told me I had my own special bowl of shrimp cocktail in here. Are you lying to your father-in-law, Eric?

ERIC:

No, I'm just -

MIDGE AND MARSH ENTER

MIDGE:

(with a big ditzy smile) We're here, Eric. And we're ready for our interview.

BOB:

(confused) Interview?

MARSH:

(with a cocky grin) Apparently, the Point Place Gazette wants to interview me. You know, big time Hollywood guy comes to a small Wisconsin town. I'm sure they want to know if it'll be made into a movie.

ERIC:

(to Marsh) There's no reporter here.

MIDGE:

(points at Eric) But you said -

ERIC:

(interrupting) I know what I said.

MARSH:

(angrily, to Eric) Well if you think I'm making this into a movie now, you're wrong, pal.

JOANNE:

Eric, what's going on?

ERIC:

I need you four to try and get along, just for tonight.

BOB:

(scowls at Eric) If wanted to ask me something that big, shrimp cocktail really would've helped.

MIDGE:

(starts yelling at Bob) You are so predictable, Bob. You know, shrimp cocktail doesn't solve all of the world's problems.

BOB:

(angrily to Midge) Well it sure doesn't hurt.

ERIC:

(very irritated he gets in between Midge and Bob) Ok, see, _this _is what I'm talking about. Donna deserves to have one night where she doesn't have to worry if her parents are going to put on boxing gloves and step into the ring with each other.

MARSH:

Now _that_ would be a great movie. It would be like "Kramer vs. Kramer" but with a violent twist. Do you mind if I use that idea, Eric?

ERIC:

Fine, whatever. Just please promise me you all will stop fighting.

BOB:

(to Eric) Can we start again tomorrow?

ERIC:

(nods) Absolutely.

BOB:

(considers for a second and then shrugs) Ah, what the hell. It's only one night.

MIDGE:

(excitedly) And then we've got the rest of our lives to fight.

ERIC JUST SHAKES HIS HEAD AT BOB AND MIDGE. SUDDENLY, KELSO RUNS INTO THE ROOM, A BIT FRANTIC.

KELSO:

Eric, you better come quick. Fez asked the band to play some disco and now Hyde's locked him in the coat check room.

KELSO RUNS BACK OUT AND ERIC STARTS TO FOLLOW BUT THEN HE TURNS BACK TO THE FOUR ADULTS.

ERIC:

Now remember, you promised. And if I hear any of you fighting I ... (unsure what to say) I ... (he points, threateningly) there'll be _no_ grandchildren!

ERIC POINTS A FEW SECONDS AT EACH PERSON LIKE HE'S WARNING THEM AND THEN HE EXITS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 3

SCENE 4

INT. BALLROOM, A SHORT WHILE LATER. HYDE IS SITTING AT A TABLE WITH JAGGER AND LAYLA IN HIS LAP. HE IS TALKING TO ROY. THE BAND IS PLAYING _"LIFE'S BEEN GOOD" _BY JOE WALSH IN THE BACKGROUND.

ROY:

God, it's so great to see you, Steven. And you've got kids. That's nice. Then you'll never be alone. (with a shrug) You know, in case Jackie leaves you.

HYDE:

(sarcastically) So ... things are going well, huh, Roy?

ROY:

(smiles) Never been better.

ROY WANDERS OFF AFTER ONE OF THE WAITERS AND JACKIE, CARRYING TWO DRINKS, APPROACHES HYDE.

JACKIE:

(watching Roy walk away) How's Roy doing?

HYDE:

(smirks) Oh he's a ray of sunshine.

JACKIE SITS DOWN WITH HYDE AND TAKES JAGGER FROM HIM.

JACKIE:

So, did you practice your speech?

HYDE:

(sighs in exasperation) Lemme explain something to you, Jackie: (he indicates the two of them) _we _didn't get married. Forman and Donna did. So I'm not giving you some love speech, you don't get another ring, and we're not having a spotlight dance. (gets a wicked grin) Although, I _am_ willing to recreate the honeymoon.

JACKIE:

(glaring at Hyde) You'll be recreating it by yourself if you don't watch it. I _meant_ your best man speech.

HYDE:

(a little confused) What best man speech?

JACKIE:

You know, the one the best man gives at, oh, I don't know, _every wedding_ since the beginning of time!

HYDE:

Forman never said anything about a speech.

JACKIE:

(shrugs) Well, he didn't say anything about Fez and Laurie doing it in the coat check room, but that's happening, too.

HYDE:

(shakes his head) I don't do speeches.

JACKIE:

(she gives him a smile and rubs his beard) Relax, baby. You'll be fine. Just start off by talking about "Star Wars" and Eric will be so happy he won't pay attention to anything you say after that.

HYDE:

(with an irritated sigh) Crap. (relenting) Fine. I knew I should've never agreed to this thing. I already get to sleep with the hottest bridesmaid so there's no real advantage to being the best man anymore.

JACKIE SMILES AND LEANS IN TO GIVE HYDE A KISS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 3

SCENE 5

INT. BALLROOM, SHORT WHILE LATER. EVERYONE IS SITTING DOWN AND EATING. THE GANG IS ALL GATHERED AT THE HEAD TABLE. KELSO AND FEZ ARE ON THE END AND KELSO HAS PLATE AFTER EMPTY PLATE NEAR HIM AND HE'S SHOVING CAKE IN HIS MOUTH.

KELSO:

(smiling with cake spilling out of his mouth) Fez, this is my fifth piece of cake. I'm kicking your ass, man.

FEZ:

(with a smile he shakes his head) Sorry, Kelso, no cake eating contest tonight. I have to keep myself in dancing form. There's no way Laurie and I are losing a dance contest to Mitch and Fenton; and a fifth piece of cake will do nothing for my rhumba. No one wants to slip in cake vomit at a wedding.

KELSO:

(nods) Good point.

CUT TO THE BAND LEADER AT THE MICROPHONE.

BAND LEADER:

Ladies and gentleman, we'd like to bring up the happy couple for their first dance. (gesturing towards the dance floor) Eric and Donna Forman, come on down here and show us what love looks like.

ERIC STARTS TO LEAD DONNA ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR BUT SHE DIGS IN AND WON'T MOVE. ERIC TURNS TO SEE WHAT IS WRONG.

DONNA:

(to Eric) Eric and Donna _Forman_? That's a little presumptuous, isn't it? I mean, I'm not even sure I'm gonna go by "Forman" yet.

ERIC:

(quietly, to Donna) Ok, well can we decide later because right now a hundred people are staring at us waiting to see "what love looks like."

DONNA:

It might look like a swift kick in the ass if you piss me off on my wedding day.

ERIC:

(swallows and continues a bit nervously) Donna, please dance with me. You can be as violent as you want once we're safely tucked away in the honeymoon suite. But right now, I'd just really, _really_ like to dance with you.

DONNA:

(Donna's face softens and she chuckles a bit) Well, when you ask like that ...

DONNA TAKES ERIC'S HAND AND HE LEADS HER OUT TO THE DANCE FLOOR. THE SONG _"THIRTEEN" _BY BIG STAR BEGINS TO PLAY AND ERIC AND DONNA START THEIR DANCE.

ERIC:

Do you remember the first time we kissed?

DONNA:

Are we talking about the time we played seven minutes in heaven when we were 11, or the time on the Cruiser?

ERIC:

(a little sheepishly) The time when I didn't accidently sneeze in your mouth.

DONNA:

(with a teasing laugh) So we're talking the time on the Cruiser.

ERIC:

(nods) Yeah. That time.

THEY BOTH GET A LAUGH. ERIC'S SMILE FADES AND HE SUDDENLY LOOKS DEADLY SERIOUS AND VERY SINCERE.

ERIC:(cont'd)

It's still like that, you know.

DONNA:

What?

ERIC:

Every time you kiss me is still like the first time you kissed me.

DONNA:

(a little stunned) Eric ...

ERIC:

Except now I don't have to wonder if I'll get slapped if I go for second base.

DONNA:

(nods) Yeah. That must make things easier.

ERIC:

It does remove some of the pressure, yes. (he pauses and grins) You look beautiful, Donna.

DONNA:

You don't look so bad yourself.

ERIC:

It's a shame I'm gonna have to rip that dress of you.

DONNA:

(with a shrug) That's ok. It's not like I'm gonna wear it again.

ERIC:

True.

DONNA:

Let's have fun tonight, Eric.

ERIC:

(gasps) Oh my God. Are you saying you wanna leave and go to the honeymoon suite, now? 'Cause I am _totally _ok with that.

DONNA:

(rolls her eyes and playfully shoves Eric) No, I mean I wanna enjoy tonight. Really enjoy it. Because I want to remember it forever.

ERIC:

Ok, but just to clarify ... we will be using the honeymoon suite eventually.

DONNA:

Don't worry, Eric, you'll get your money's worth.

ERIC:

(giving her his best sexy look) Oh I plan on it.

ERIC TWIRLS DONNA AND DIPS HER, THEN HE LEANS DOWN AND STARTS TO MAKE OUT WITH HER

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 4

SCENE 1

INT. BALLROOM, A FEW HOURS LATER. KELSO, BROOKE AND FEZ ARE AT THE BAR. LAURIE, HOLDING BETSY, JACKIE, HYDE, THE TWINS, DONNA AND ERIC ARE SITTING AT THE HEAD TABLE. RED, KITTY, BOB, JOANNE, MIDGE AND MARSH ARE SEATED AT A DIFFERENT TABLE. BOB STANDS UP AND STARTS CLINKING HIS GLASS.

DONNA:

(to the gang gathered around her) Uh-oh, looks like my dad's about to give his speech.

HYDE:

(quietly to Eric) Ten bucks says he runs out and can't finish.

ERIC:

(to Hyde) Twenty says he's _crying_ too hard and can't finish.

HYDE:

(with a nod) You're on.

CUT TO BOB AT HIS TABLE LOOKING A LITTLE NERVOUS AND GLANCING AROUND THE ROOM AT ALL THE GUESTS. HE HAS A MICROPHONE.

BOB:

(to all the guests) If I could just get everyone's attention. I, uh ... I want to thank everybody for coming out tonight. I don't know if it was the free meal and booze or to share Eric and Donna's special day. (he smiles) I like to think it was the latter. (he pauses and sighs looking right at Eric and Donna) Every father dreams of the day his little girl gets married. But today I realized the reality is so much better than my dream. (a beat) Of course, in my dream I didn't have to foot the bill, so that was kinda nice. (shrugs) Anyways, (very sincerely) I'd like to finish by saying "thank you" to Eric, for making my dreams for Donna come true. (holds up his glass) Salut!

ALL THE GUESTS RAISE A GLASS TO TOAST AND DONNA MOUTHS A "THANK YOU" TO BOB. JOANNE STANDS UP AND GIVES BOB A QUICK KISS WHILE ALL THE GUESTS APPLAUD.

JOANNE:

(quietly to Bob) That was beautiful, Bob.

BOB:

(with a pained expression) Can I cry now?

JOANNE:

(nods) Sure.

AS JOANNE TAKES THE MICROPHONE FROM BOB, HE SITS BACK DOWN AND TURNS TO RED WHO IS NOT HAPPY WITH BOB'S TEARS.

RED:

(with a frown) Don't cry on me, Bob.

BOB:

(in a strained voice) I might not be able to help it, Red.

JOANNE:

(addressing all the guests) I think we're going to hear a few words from the best man. Steven?

HYDE BEGRUDGINGLY STANDS UP, STILL HOLDING JAGGER AND STARTS TO HEAD TOWARDS JOANNE. JACKIE STOPS HIM.

JACKIE:

(quietly to Hyde) Give me Jagger.

HYDE:

(tightens his grip on Jagger) No way. He's my wing man.

JACKIE:

(in a warning tone) Steven ...

HYDE:

(with an irritated sigh) Fine.

HYDE HANDS JAGGER OVER TO JACKIE AND THEN HE HEADS TOWARDS BOB AND JOANNE; TAKING THE MICROPHONE FROM JOANNE.

CUT TO THE GROUP AT THE BAR

FEZ:

(to Kelso) Oh the things I could do with a microphone. Can you imagine my glorious voice amplified?

CUT BACK TO HYDE

HYDE:(cont'd)

(clearly uncomfortable) Umm, I'm, uh Steven Hyde, the best man. (he scowls) And if you couldn't figure that out without me telling you then you've got some problems. I just wanted to say a couple things about Donna and um (like he can't say it) _Eric_ ...

HYDE PAUSES, LIKE HE'S REALLY NOT SURE WHAT TO SAY NEXT. A FEW SECONDS OF UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE GO BY UNTIL KELSO YELLS OUT SPASTICALLY FROM THE BAR.

KELSO:

(with a dopey smile) _Free Bird_!

EVERYONE TURNS TO LOOK AT KELSO, WHO IS LAUGHING, CLEARLY PLEASED WITH HIMSELF. BROOKE QUIETLY SHUSHES HIM AND KELSO GIVES HER A CONFUSED SHRUG, WONDERING WHAT HE DID WRONG. FOR A SECOND, HYDE LOOKS LIKE HE MIGHT KICK KELSO'S ASS. BUT THEN HE CLEARS HIS THROAT AND CONTINUES WITH HIS SPEECH.

HYDE:

So, Eric and Donna. Yeah.

CUT TO LAURIE AND JACKIE AT THEIR TABLE

JACKIE:

(whispers to Laurie) Oh my God, he's bombing.

LAURIE:

(with a bitchy smile) Yeah, isn't it great?

CUT BACK TO HYDE

HYDE:

Wedding was cool. And uh ... the reception looks good so far. I mean, you've got lots of beer and a band so that's always a plus.

CUT TO THE GROUP AT THE BAR

KELSO:

(whispers to Fez) We should "gong" him.

CUT BACK TO HYDE WHO HAS SUDDENLY FOUND HIS ZEN AGAIN.

HYDE:

You know what, nobody wants to listen to me give a speech. People wanna eat their food and have some drinks on Bob and then dance.

FEZ:

(yells from the bar as he holds up his glass) Amen, brother.

HYDE:

(to Eric and Donna) And you guys, tonight's just a party. It's all the stuff that comes after tonight that you're gonna like. 'Cause _that's _marriage. This is just the _wedding_. So, have a nice marriage. (with a wicked smirk) And we'll make sure you have a nice wedding. (calling out to a waiter and then the band) How about another beer for the bride and groom, and some music for my fruity friend? (he points at Fez)

FEZ:

(yells to the band) Yes, and make it something I can dance to.

HYDE:

(raising up his beer) To Forman and Donna. Have a good life, guys.

ALL THE GUESTS RAISE THEIR GLASSES TO TOAST ERIC AND DONNA AND THE BAND STARTS PLAYING _"YOU SHOOK ME" _BY AC/DC. LAURIE, HOLDING BETSY, GETS UP AND HEADS TOWARDS FEZ WHO IS MAKING HIS WAY TO THE DANCE FLOOR. KELSO AND BROOKE ALSO HEADS TOWARDS THE DANCE FLOOR. HYDE RETURNS TO THE HEAD TABLE AND ERIC AND DONNA STAND TO GREET HIM.

DONNA:

(with a smirk) Awww, Hyde has feelings.

HYDE:

(to Donna) Get bent.

ERIC:

(with a small smile) Thanks, Hyde. Really.

HYDE:

(trying to act irritated) Whatever.

HYDE TAKES LAYLA FROM JACKIE WHILE KITTY AND JOANNE MAKE THEIR WAY OVER TO THE HEAD TABLE. KITTY STOPS WHEN SHE SEES HYDE. SHE IS GETTING TEARY AND HYDE LOOKS A LITTLE SHEEPISH.

KITTY:

(trying not to cry) Oh Steven that was ...

HYDE:

(interrupting) Alright, alright, do I have to do something that lands me back in jail or are people gonna get over it?

KITTY:

(quickly) I'm over it.

HYDE NODS AND KITTY GIVES HIM A QUICK KISS. JACKIE GETS UP, HOLDING JAGGER, AND STARTS HEADING TOWARDS THE DANCE FLOOR.

JACKIE:

Come on, Steven. This may be the one and only time you'll get me to dance to AC/DC.

HYDE STARTS TO FOLLOW JACKIE WHEN KITTY STOPS THEM AND SHE TAKES THE TWINS; HANDING JAGGER TO JOANNE.

KITTY:

Here, give them to me. I don't want my grand babies getting brain damage dancing around to this terrible music. (with a smile) You kids go have fun.

HYDE GRINS AND JACKIE GETS A VERY WICKED LOOK ON HER FACE. THEY GRAB HANDS AND START TO RUN OFF TOWARDS THE EXIT TO THE BALLROOM WHEN KITTY STOPS THEM

KITTY:(cont'd)

(quickly explaining herself) I mean _dance._ You kids go _dance._

HYDE:

(under his breath) Dammit.

HYDE AND JACKIE JOIN THE OTHERS ON THE DANCE FLOOR.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 4

SCENE 2

INT. BALLROOM, A LITTLE LATER. THE BAND IS PLAYING_"DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY" _BY VAN HALEN. THE GUYS ARE GATHERED AT THE BAR AND THE GIRLS ARE ON THE DANCE FLOOR, DANCING TOGETHER IN A CIRCLE. BEA IS SITTING AT A NEARBY TABLE WITH PAULA, MARTY AND MARSH. PASTOR DAVE IS ON THE DANCE FLOOR DANCING WITH JOANNE. KITTY, RED, BOB AND MIDGE ARE GATHERED AT A TABLE.

HYDE:

(to the bartender) Another round for the groom. And nothing girly this time.

ERIC:

(sheepishly) Just because a drink has a cherry in it doesn't mean it's girly.

HYDE:

(to Eric) You moron, of course it does.

KELSO:

(watching the girls dance) Why do chicks always do that?

ERIC:

Do what?

KELSO:

Dance in a sexy circle like that.

THE GUYS ALL TURN THEIR ATTENTION TO THE GIRLS. THEY ALL START TO LOOK A LITTLE ANXIOUS.

HYDE:

It's a device designed to torture men. That and the question, "does this outfit make me look fat?"

KELSO:

(pouting) Well _I_ want in that circle.

FEZ:

Get in line, my friend. (shakes his head sadly) But they will not let us in. So we can only watch from afar, our needs building by the second.

THE GUYS ALL LOOK AT FEZ AND THEN SLOWLY WALK AWAY FROM HIM.

FEZ:(cont'd)

(calling after the guys) What? What did I say?

CUT TO THE GIRLS DANCING IN THEIR CIRCLE.

JACKIE:

Donna, I have to say you look beautiful tonight. I was a little worried you were gonna get married in a flannel shirt.

LAURIE:

(nods approvingly at Donna) She's right. You look so hot nobody even noticed how skinny and weird looking Eric is.

DONNA:

Thanks, guys. Oh my God. (she looks back and forth between Jackie and Laurie) You two are my sisters-in-law, now. Crap.

JACKIE:

(smiles) Welcome to the family.

LAURIE:

(flatly) Stay away from Grandma Bea.

PENNY APPROACHES AND TRIES TO DANCE WITH THEM.

PENNY:

(with a phony smile) Hey guys.

LAURIE:

(scowls) And Penny.

THE GIRLS ALL STOP DANCING AND JUST STARE AT PENNY

PENNY:

Don't you just love this song?

JACKIE:

(with a bitchy sneer) Oh, I'm sorry. Did you not see our sign? No sluts allowed.

PENNY:

(gives Jackie a fake smile) Then I guess you better leave.

THE GIRLS ALL BEGIN CLOSING IN ON PENNY.

LAURIE:

(threateningly to Penny) Oh you better run. Or this dance floor is gonna be covered in your hair.

DONNA:

(to Penny) You're lucky I've got this dress on, Penny, or you would _so_ be in a headlock right now. (she turns to Jackie) Jackie, I've got no problem holding her while you punch.

JACKIE:

(shrugs and gives Penny the once-over) You know what? I'm above that. I have Steven and she's just a bleached blonde bimbo with a peeling tan.

PENNY GASPS

JACKIE:(cont'd)

(nods) That's right, it's _peeling_.

BROOKE STEPS IN THE MIDDLE OF JACKIE AND PENNY AND SHE TURNS TO PENNY A LITTLE UNSURE OF WHAT TO SAY.

BROOKE:

Ok, I am not going back to jail. Once was enough. (apprehensively, but looking like she's about to lose it) So you just need to, to ...

DONNA WALKS UP BEHIND BROOKE.

DONNA:

(into Brooke's ear) Say it, Brooke!

BROOKE:

(yells at Penny) Get the hell out of here, skank!

PENNY STOMPS OFF IN A HUFF AS LAURIE, DONNA AND JACKIE SWARM AROUND BROOKE.

LAURIE:

(breaks into a huge smile as she throws her arm around Brooke) Yes! You're one of us!

JACKIE:

(nods and hooks her arm through Brooke's) Welcome to the dark side, Brooke. We have a lot more fun over here.

THE GIRLS BEGIN TO DANCE AGAIN AND THE BAND STARTS TO PLAY _"CINNAMON GIRL" _BY NEIL YOUNG.

CUT TO RED, KITTY, BOB AND MIDGE GATHERED AROUND A TABLE. THEY'RE ALL WATCHING THE KIDS DANCE.

BOB:

I can't believe our kids are all grown up and married. Where did the time go?

RED:

Bob, if you start singing "Memory" I'm gonna shove your face in the cake.

KITTY:

(nudges Red and grins at him) Oh, Red, you're having a good time. Admit it.

RED:

I'll do no such thing. (a beat) Although, I will admit, it's nice to have Bob picking up the tab for a change.

BOB:

(chuckles) Don't expect that to happen again, buddy.

MIDGE:

(giving everyone a ditzy smile) This is fun. The four of us together again.

THE FOUR LOOK AT EACH OTHER, A LITTLE UNSURE WHAT TO DO NEXT.

KITTY:

Who's up for Bridge and drinks? (she laughs)

BOB AND RED IMMEDIATELY GET UP AND HEAD IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS.

BOB:

(quickly) I'll get the cards.

RED:

I'll get the drinks.

CUT BACK TO THE GIRLS ON THE DANCE FLOOR. ERIC APPROACHES THEM AND TAKES DONNA'S HAND.

ERIC:

(with a cheesy grin) You guys mind if I steal my Cinnamon Girl from you?

LAURIE:

(rolling her eyes at Eric) God, it's your _wedding day_. Could you at least _try_ and pretend you're not the biggest dork in the world?

ERIC:

(gives Laurie a sarcastic smile) No. I couldn't.

ERIC LEADS DONNA AWAY AND THEY BEGIN TO DANCE.

DONNA:

(to Eric) Are you having fun?

ERIC:

(nods) I'm having a lot of fun.

DONNA GETS A LOOK OF SHOCK ON HER FACE AND SHE LOOKS DOWN TOWARDS ERIC'S PANTS. THEN SHE BACKS UP AND CHUCKLES.

DONNA:

I guess so. Geez, Eric. (she points at his crotch) I hope nobody sees that. (Donna presses herself back up against Eric and she suddenly looks a little confused) Wait? (looking down at his pants again) What the hell?

SHE REACHES INTO HIS PANTS POCKET AND PULLS OUT A LUKE SKYWALKER ACTION FIGURE THEN SHE HOLDS IT UP IN FRONT OF HIS FACE.

DONNA:(cont'd)

_What_ is this?

ERIC:

(sheepishly) It's Luke Skywalker.

DONNA:

(nods slowly) Uh-huh. And why is Luke Skywalker at my wedding?

ERIC:

Because ... he gives me courage.

DONNA:

He's gotta go.

ERIC:

(quickly) Wait, what are you doing with Luke?

DONNA:

(sarcastically) He's got an important mission.

DONNA CHUCKS LUKE OVER HER SHOULDER, AS ERIC WATCHES IN HORROR. LUKE SOARS THROUGH THE AIR TOWARDS THE TABLES AND COMES TO REST IN GRANDMA BEA'S HAIR. BEA DOESN'T EVEN NOTICE. ERIC LOOKS AROUND, NERVOUSLY, WONDERING IF ANYONE SAW AND DONNA TRIES NOT TO LAUGH.

ERIC:

Oh my God. Luke landed in my Grandma's poufy old lady 'do. Do I tell her? I mean what do I say? "Hey, grandma, thanks for the monogrammed napkins; you've got an action figure in your hair." (watching in fascination) Wow. He's really stuck in there.

DONNA:

(shaking her head as she stares at Bea) You know what ... don't say anything. (nodding in determination) That's right. That's what she gets for not liking me. _That_ is what I like to call a "Star Wars Burn".

ERIC:

(with a smile) Now the night is complete.

KELSO SPRINTS BY AND STOPS WHEN HE SEES ERIC AND DONNA. HE'S OUT OF BREATH AND RATTLED.

KELSO:

(quickly) You guys, help me, Hyde's trying to take my pants.

HYDE COMES OUT OF NOWHERE AND TACKLES KELSO TO THE GROUND. ERIC AND DONNA WATCH HIM GO DOWN IN AMUSEMENT.

KELSO:

(off-camera) Ow! My eye!

DONNA:

_Now _the night is complete.

DONNA LAUGHS AS ERIC LEANS DOWN TO HELP KELSO UP.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 4

SCENE 3

INT. BALLROOM, LATER THAT NIGHT. THE BAND IS PLAYING THE SONG _"I CAN'T TELL YOU WHY" _BY THE EAGLES. JACKIE AND HYDE ARE DANCING WHILE ERIC AND DONNA ARE SEATED NEAR THE DANCE FLOOR, HAVING CAKE. JACKIE HAS HER HEAD RESTING ON HYDE'S CHEST; SHE LIFTS IT UP AND LOOKS AT HIM.

JACKIE:

You wanna know something?

HYDE:

Even if I don't you're still gonna tell me, right?

JACKIE:

(nods) Of course. (she gives him a smile) I've always loved dancing with you. Like at the prom.

HYDE:

(raises an eyebrow at her) Which one? The one where you ditched me for Kelso or the one where we went to the Le Motel after and got the jungle room?

JACKIE:

The first one. (she runs a hand down his chest) I thought you looked hot that night.

HYDE:

(very matter-of-fact) That's 'cause I did.

JACKIE:

(tilts her head and give him her best come-hither look) Did you think I looked hot that night?

HYDE:

(skeptically) Is this a trick question?

JACKIE:

(rolling her eyes) No, it's just a _question_ question. But if you answer wrong you're sleeping on the couch.

HYDE:

Of course I thought you looked hot. You were the sexiest chick there.

JACKIE:

(she smiles and gives him a quick kiss) Aww ... good answer. You are getting so good at this, baby.

HYDE:

I've always been good. It just took you a couple years to figure it out.

JACKIE LAUGHS AND HYDE PULLS HER IN FOR A KISS. AFTER A FEW SECONDS, JACKIE PULLS BACK AND LOOKS AT HYDE, EXPECTANTLY.

JACKIE:

Just for the record, which dress made me look prettier?

HYDE:

(with a mild scowl) Don't push it, Jackie.

JACKIE NODS AND LAYS HER HEAD BACK DOWN ON HYDE AND THEY DANCE.

CUT TO ERIC AND DONNA SITTING DOWN AT A TABLE AND EATING THEIR CAKE. ERIC HAS HIS ARM AROUND DONNA AND SHE HAS HER HEAD LAID ON HIS SHOULDER.

DONNA:

We did it, Eric.

ERIC:

(with a sly grin) Well, not yet. But there are any number of closets ready and waiting.

DONNA SITS UP AND LOOKS AT ERIC.

DONNA:

(a little stunned) We _finally_ got married.

ERIC:

(seriously) I still want my bucket of chicken, you know.

DONNA:

(with a laugh) On our honeymoon, I'll take you to the first KFC we see. I promise.

ERIC:

(nods) I'm gonna hold you to that.

THEY GO BACK TO THEIR CAKE AND DONNA SUDDENLY GETS A MISCHIEVOUS LOOK ON HER FACE.

DONNA:

(teasing) This is pretty good cake.

ERIC:

(a little nervous) Why are you looking at me like that?

DONNA STARTS TO INCH IN CLOSER WITH HER FORK FULL OF CAKE AND ERIC LEANS BACK AWAY FROM HER, KEEPING HIS EYE ON THE CAKE.

ERIC:(cont'd)

(quickly) Donna, remember what Jackie said: shoving cake in each other's faces is not classy.

DONNA:

Since when do we listen to Jackie?

ERIC:

(pauses for a second thinking and then nods) Good point, but still, you don't wanna get cake all over your dress.

DONNA:

You're right. If it got dirty ... I'd have to take it off. (she sighs and gives Eric a fake pout) And all I have on underneath is this white lace teddy.

ERIC IMMEDIATELY SHOVES HIS PIECE OF CAKE IN DONNA'S FACE. SHE LAUGHS AND PICKS HERS UP, THEN SMEARS IT ALL OVER ERIC'S FACE. THE BAND STARTS TO PLAY _"FAME" _BY DAVID BOWIE AS FEZ, HOLDING LAURIE BY THE HAND, AND MITCH AND FENTON MAKE THEIR WAY OUT ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR AND ASSUME THEIR DANCING POSITIONS.

FEZ:

(to the other people on the floor) Alright, people, a little room, please.

FEZ GRABS LAURIE TWIRLS HER AND DIPS HER, THEN LOOKS UP AT MITCH AND FENTON.

FEZ:(cont'd)

(with a wicked smile) You are going down, Fenton.

FENTON:

(to Fez) Oh I think you mean we're going up.

MITCH:

That's right! (points up into the air in his best disco pose) Straight to the top!

PEOPLE BEGIN TO CLEAR OFF THE DANCE FLOOR AS THE FOURSOME BEGINS DANCING.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 4

SCENE 4

INT. BALLROOM, THE END OF THE NIGHT. THE BAND IS PLAYING THE SONG _"PIANO MAN" _IN THE BACKGROUND. THE ONLY PEOPLE LEFT ARE THE GANG. THEY ARE ALL GATHERED AROUND THE HEAD TABLE, EMPTY PLATES, BOTTLES AND GLASSES EVERYWHERE. THEY ALL LOOK TOTALLY BEAT. JACKIE IS SITTING IN HYDE'S LAP, NEXT TO THEM IS ERIC SNUGGLED WITH DONNA. KELSO AND BROOKE ARE SITTING NEXT TO THEM AND BROOKE HAS HER FEET IN KELSO'S LAP. LAURIE IS SITTING ON FEZ'S LAP AND THE TWO OF THEM ARE POLISHING OFF A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE.

FEZ:

(sighs and smiles as he begins to sway back and forth) This song makes me sway.

ERIC:

(looking around at his friends) You guys, thanks for everything. For being in the wedding and for making tonight so kick ass, and ... well ... even for the condom balloon animal covered car. (gives them all a small smile) You guys are the best friends a newly married couple could ask for.

HYDE:

(grinning at Eric) So, Forman, you got married and you completed your transformation into a chick. Nice.

JACKIE:

(looking around the group) God. Look at us.

KELSO:

(looks around and nods approvingly) I know. We're a pretty good lookin' bunch. (a beat) Once you get rid of Hyde and Eric, of course. (he points to them)

LAURIE:

(to Kelso) No, you idiot, she means look at our lives. Look at where we are.

KELSO:

(gives Laurie and snotty look) We're at Eric and Donna's wedding. Try to keep up, Laurie.

BROOKE:

Michael, I think what they're trying to say is it's amazing where all of us are in our lives.

ERIC:

Well, I for one am glad to be joining the ranks of "married men". (very sarcastically) Although you can practically hear the hearts of oh so many girls breaking open tonight.

DONNA:

(with a teasing grin) Are you sure that's not the sound of me breaking your face?

ERIC:

(shrugs) It could be.

HYDE:

Forman, now you can finally come to our meetings. (he pats him on the back) And we'll even let you bring the beer.

ERIC:

I think I wanna go to the "Secret Hot Girls Club" meetings instead.

JACKIE:

(smiles at Eric and Donna) We're so happy for you guys.

DONNA:

Ok, somebody cut Jackie off. She's given out _way_ too many compliments tonight.

KELSO:

(a little apprehensively, as he looks at everyone) This isn't it, right? I mean we're not gonna become those friends that get married and have kids and never see each other except for like funerals or ... at ... monster truck rallies.

HYDE:

(pointing at Kelso) Who the hell invited Buzz Kill, here?

ERIC:

(shaking his head) That'll never happen to us.

DONNA:

(she grins as she looks around at everyone) Yep. I think we're stuck with each other for life.

FEZ:

(singing) _"Sing us the song you're the piano man. Sing us a song tonight"_ (he looks at his friends and scowls) Come on, you bastards, _sing_!

HYDE:

(frowns at Fez) Of course, we can always un-stick certain members of the group.

FEZ STANDS UP AND PULLS LAURIE ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR FOLLOWED CLOSELY BY KELSO WHO RUNS OUT AFTER FEZ AND THEN JUST AS QUICKLY COMES BACK TO GET BROOK. JACKIE STANDS UP AND PULLS HYDE OUT ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR. DONNA AND ERIC WATCH THEIR FRIENDS FOR A SECOND AND THEN ERIC TURNS TO DONNA.

ERIC:

Congratulations, Mrs. Forman.

DONNA:

Congratulations to you, too, Mr. Pinciotti.

ERIC LAUGHS AND DONNA LEANS IN TO GIVE HIM A KISS.

FADE OUT AS THE MUSIC PLAYS

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

INT. DONNA'S BEDROOM, A "SECRET HOT GIRLS CLUB" MEETING. JACKIE, DONNA, LAURIE AND BROOKE ARE SPREAD OUT ON DONNA'S BED. THERE ARE DISHES OF ICE CREAM, POTATO CHIPS AND JUNK FOOD LYING EVERYWHERE. THE GIRLS ARE ALL HAVING A BEER. THEY ARE ALL WEARING PAJAMAS. _"STUMBLIN' IN" _BY SUZY QUATRO PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

DONNA:

(with a smirk as she cracks open a beer) If the guys only knew what we did at our meetings.

JACKIE:

(shaking her head, very serious) They can't ever know.

LAURIE:

Our image would be totally shattered. It's better to let them think we jump out of cakes and dance with bubbles blowing everywhere.

BROOKE:

(with her mouth full, she points at an ice cream bucket) Can somebody pass me the ice cream?

LAURIE PASSES BROOKE THE ICE CREAM AND SHE DIGS IN.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"Family Affair"

With their house still not complete, the newlyweds are forced to move in with Red and Kitty.

* * *

**A/N** I'm leaving for a two week vacation soon so this may be the last update until I get back. I know, I'm mean. Sorry. 


	41. Family Affair

"Family Affair"

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Sly and The Family Stone.

I own nothing. This would be episode 9-10.

So, I have not fallen off the face of the earth, I've just been out of town and very busy. I'm trying to catch up on the fanfic reading as well as write so if I'm a reader of your story just bear with me - I'm not going away - just taking a long time to read everything. Thanks for reviewing!!!! And please keep it up, because after 41 chapters I need those reviews to keep me going :) People have asked about the length of my Season 9. I will be going to 9-20. So we're almost to the end of our very long redoing of the horrid end of T7S. Stick with me. There's lots more fun to come ...

As always, a "thank you" to my partner in crime and dirty thoughts about bad boys ... luvcali

* * *

ACT 1

SCENE 1

EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY. TWO WEEKS AFTER ERIC AND DONNA'S WEDDING, MORNING. ERIC AND DONNA ARE GETTING OUT OF THE CRUISER WHICH IS PARKED IN THE DRIVEWAY. THEY BOTH LOOK AROUND, TAKING IN THE SCENE A LITTLE SADLY.

ERIC:

Well, here we are. Boy, Point Place sure seems small compared to the Big Apple, huh.

DONNA:

Yeah. (she pauses and grins) Although, it is nice to not see bums on every corner.

ERIC:

Or people peeing on buildings.

DONNA:

(grins) That's only because we haven't seen Kelso yet.

ERIC:

So. (he turns and looks at the house) Home sweet home. (he turns back to Donna and gives her a wry smile) You always wanted to start your married life living with Red and Kitty, didn't you. Come on, admit it. (Eric begins to stroll towards Donna) Red's bald head glistening with the morning sun over breakfast. Soap operas and mid-morning happy hour with Kitty. It's a dream come true, really.

DONNA:

(with a chuckle) It'll be better than living with my dad and Joanne. Those two do some freaky, freaky things. And the fact that I was in the house never seemed to bother them.

ERIC:

We could move in with Jackie and Hyde.

DONNA:

(shaking her head) No way. I am _not_ living with Jackie again. (she shudders) I can't go back to that darkness.

DONNA GIVES ERIC A QUICK KISS AND THEN SHE HEADS TOWARDS THE BACK OF THE CRUISER. ERIC CALLS AFTER HER.

ERIC:

Where are you going? (with mock horror he gasps) Oh my God, are you leaving me, already?

DONNA:

(with a laugh she rolls her eyes)Shut up, idiot. I'm just gonna get the luggage. Unless _you_ wanna carry the big bag.

ERIC:

Wait. (he heads towards the back) I have to do something first. (grabbing Donna's hand he pulls her away from the car)

DONNA:

Eric, I already told you, even though we're married your parents will still be pissed if they catch us doing it in the Cruiser.

ERIC:

No. I've got to carry you over the threshold. (a beat) Oh, and no matter how much you try and fight it - the sex in the Cruiser thing _is_ happening.

DONNA:

(she points to the house) But _this_ isn't our threshold. And anyways, that is such a stupid, sexist tradition.

ERIC:

Alright, I'll make a deal with you. I carry you over this threshold (he points to the sliding door) and _you_ carry _me_ over the threshold at our house.

DONNA:

(thinks for a second and then nods) Deal.

THEY SHAKE HANDS.

ERIC:

(grinning) Just so you know, I totally came out on top in this thing. _Our_ house has steps.

DONNA LAUGHS AND ERIC PICKS HER UP AND AFTER A SMALL STRUGGLE STARTS HEADING TOWARDS THE DOOR.

END SCENE

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING. RED IS IN HIS CHAIR READING THE PAPER WHEN ERIC WALKS IN.

ERIC:

I'm home!

RED:

(not looking up from his paper) Wonderful. I'll alert the media.

ERIC:

(very sarcastically) Aww ... I missed you, too, Dad.

RED FOLDS HIS PAPER DOWN AND POINTS UP AT ERIC.

RED:

You've got one month to live here, pal. One month.

ERIC:

And then what?

RED:

And then I call in the police and have you arrested for trespassing.

ERIC:

(with a sigh) Look, Dad, do you think I _want_ to live here?

RED STANDS UP AND TURNS TO FACE ERIC

RED:

Yes. That's _exactly_ what I think. And do you want to know why? Because you're always here. And if it's not you it's Steven and if it's not Steven it's Laurie. We did not have kids so you would live here forever, we had kids so we would have someone to rake the yard and pay for our funerals.

ERIC:

(gives him a taunting smile) I love you, too, Dad.

KITTY COMES DOWN FROM UPSTAIRS

KITTY:

(with a huge grin) Is that my baby?

RED:

Who else would it be.

KITTY RUNS DOWN THE STAIRS TOWARDS ERIC AND THEN PULLS HIM INTO A HUGE HUG. THEN SHE PULLS BACK SO SHE CAN LOOK AT HIM.

KITTY:

Let me look at you. Did anyone take advantage of you in New York? I hear they have people standing on the street corners begging for money,

RED:

(frowns) They should do it like Laurie does and just come right into your kitchen. It's harder to say "no" that way.

RED SITS BACK DOWN IN HIS CHAIR AS DONNA ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN

DONNA:

Well, apparently, my Dad and Joanne don't miss me. They turned my bedroom into an exercise room.

KITTY:

(with a grimace) Oh, Donna, that reminds me, would you tell your dad if he's going to ride his stationary bike in the nude he needs to pull the shades. We have eyes for God's sakes.

ERIC:

(starts to wander around the living room) Where is everybody?

KITTY:

Steven and Michael took Jackie and Brooke and the kids to the Dells and Laurie and Fez went with.

ERIC:

(he turns back to Kitty with a little pout) But ... they didn't ask us to come.

KITTY:

That's because you were on your honeymoon.

ERIC:

(mumbling under his breath) That doesn't mean I don't wanna ride go-carts and go down water slides and play putt putt.

DONNA:

(slightly irritated with Eric) Eric, we were in New York. We saw the Statue of Liberty.

ERIC:

Yeah, but the Dells has Pirate's Cove. That's, like, the greastest putt putt putt, ever. It has an actual plank, Donna!

RED:

The Statue of Liberty, eh? I feel like the Statue of Liberty. Give me your tired, your poor ... your grown children who won't go away.

KITTY:

(fussing over Eric) Red, he's hardly grown. I still have to leave the nightlight on in the bathroom for him.

DONNA GIVES ERIC A VERY STRANGE LOOK AND ERIC LOOKS EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE.

ERIC:

Yeah. Mom ... we're gonna have to have a discussion about what _is_ and what _is not_ appropriate to discuss around Donna.

KITTY MOUTHS AN "OH" AND NODS IN UNDERSTANDING BEFORE SHE BREAKS INTO THE GIGGLES. ERIC JUST SIGHS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

EXT. A STREET IN THE WISCONSIN DELLS, AFTERNOON. A PARADE IS GOING ON. HYDE AND JACKIE ARE SITTING ON THE CORNER WITH THE TWINS WHILE FEZ AND LAURIE SIT NEXT TO THEM. BROOKE IS NEXT TO LAURIE AND KELSO IS STANDING BEHIND EVERYONE WITH BETSY ON HIS SHOULDERS. THEY ARE ALL WATCHING THE PARADE, FEZ IS MOSTLY PREOCCUPIED WITH CATCHING CANDY THROWN FROM THE FLOATS.

FEZ:

(gleefully) It is such a privilege to be a citizen of a country that celebrates its' independence by throwing candy.

HYDE:

That's right. You don't get this crap in France.

KELSO:

But to be fair to the French it's probably pretty hard to throw french fries at people. I mean that would be kinda mean. Throwing hot, oily fries at people. (he laughs) Talk about a burn.

LAURIE:

(scowls at Kelso) Good Lord, you're dumb.

JACKIE:

(suddenly gets very excited and points at the parade) Ooh, there's the baton twirler. (placing her arm through the crook of Hyde's elbow) Steven, do you remember how I used to twirl the baton?

HYDE:

(thinks for a second and then stares blankly at her) I remember making you wear that little outfit you had. I don't remember the actual twirling part. I think I sorta blocked that out.

BROOKE:

(turns to Kelso) Michael, here comes that cute clown. I wanna take a picture of him with Betsy. Wave him over here.

KELSO:

(quickly shaking his head) No way.

BROOKE:

(confused) Why not?

KELSO:

Umm...

HYDE:

(smirks at Brooke) So, you're not aware of Kelso's fear of clowns.

KELSO:

(interrupts his voice cracking nervously) There's no need to bring that up.

HYDE:

(smiles at Kelso) Oh I think there is.

BROOKE:

How can you be scared of clowns?

KELSO:

(waving his arms spastically) _Because they're scary_!

FEZ:

(exasperated with the group) Can we please try and concentrate on catching candy!

HYDE:

I've had enough parade. (he stands up) Let's go hit the go-cart track.

KELSO:

(his arm shoots up in the air) I call red one!

FEZ:

(stands up) I call one with the seatbelt.

HYDE:

I call I'm turning the go-carts into bumper cars!

JACKIE, HOLDING LAYLA SCRAMBLES TO HER FEET AND GRABS HYDE'S ARM TO STOP HIM FROM LEAVING.

JACKIE:

Wait, wait. This is supposed to be a _family_ vacation. Betsy and the twins can't go on the go-carts.

HYDE:

Oh come on, Jackie. I never got to do any of this crap when I was a kid. On account of, (he shrugs) you know, my parents were always way too drunk to take me anywhere cool. So, let me fulfill a childhood fantasy by driving a poorly constructed wooden car into Fez and Kelso.

JACKIE:

(rolls her eyes) God, _fine_. But after that we are doing family stuff.

KELSO:

(does a fist pump) Kick ass! I love go-carts!

HYDE HANDS JAGGER OFF TO LAURIE WHILE KELSO TAKES BETSY OFF HIS SHOULDERS AND HANDS HER TO BROOKE.

BROOKE:

Michael, please wear a helmet.

LAURIE:

(shaking her head) Oh Brooke. Does it really matter at this point?

KELSO GIVES BROOKE A QUICK KISS GOODBYE AND THEN RUNS OFF AFTER HYDE AND FEZ.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, THE NEXT MORNING. KITTY IS BUSY COOKING BREAKFAST WHEN DONNA WALKS IN FROM THE LIVING ROOM.

KITTY:

Good morning, Donna.

DONNA:

Hey, Mrs. Forman.

KITTY:

(shaking her head) Oh no, no, no. You can't call me Mrs. Forman, now.

DONNA:

(looking a little uncomfortable) Um, ok. Well, what should I call you? Because anything besides "Mrs. Forman" is gonna feel weird.

KITTY:

(with a hopeful smile) You could call me, "mom".

DONNA:

(thinks for a second) But you don't feel like my mom, you feel like a cool but slightly older friend who just happened to give birth to my husband.

KITTY:

(gasps and covers her mouth with her hand) You think I'm cool? (with conviction) Well that's it, _you_ get to call me "Kitty".

DONNA:

(a little stunned) Oh my God, really? Thanks ... (she pauses and looks slightly apprehensive) Kitty.

HEARING DONNA USE HER FIRST NAME, KITTY CLAPS EXCITEDLY AND GIGGLES. THEN SHE STEERS DONNA TOWARDS THE TABLE AND PUTS HER IN A CHAIR. DONNA LOOKS TOTALLY SHOCKED AND PRETTY PLEASED WITH HERSELF.

DONNA:(cont'd)

(grinning) Kitty. Wow. (proudly) I feel like I'm doing something naughty.

KITTY HEADS BACK OVER TO THE STOVE AND BEGINS TO START TO PUT FOOD ON PLATES.

KITTY:

Now, what would you like for breakfast?

DONNA:

I can fix it myself.

KITTY:

(with a dismissive wave) Oh don't be ridiculous. No daughter-in-law of mine is going to cook her own breakfast. How do Belgian waffles with strawberries sound?

DONNA:

(pauses as a huge smile spreads across her face) I tell you how they sound - pretty freakin' awesome, that's how they sound ... Kitty. (smiles guiltily) Kitty. (with a stunned smile) I love it.

ERIC ENTERS FROM THE LIVING ROOM, STILL IN HIS PAJAMAS.

ERIC:

(flatly) Morning.

ERIC HEADS RIGHT TO THE TABLE AND SITS DOWN - WAITING FOR HIS BREAKFAST.

KITTY:

Well good morning, snicklefritz. How do waffles with strawberries sound?

ERIC:

(very nonchalant) Throw in some whipped cream and you've got yourself a deal.

DONNA BEAMS AT ERIC AND KITTY BEGINS TO SET FOOD OUT FOR THEM

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. A HOTEL ROOM IN THE DELLS, AFTERNOON. THE GIRLS ARE GATHERED AT A TABLE PLAYING CARDS AND BETSY AND THE TWINS ARE SITTING ON THE FLOOR PLAYING WITH SOME TOYS. HYDE, FEZ AND KELSO WALK IN THE ROOM.

KELSO:

(with a big, dopey grin on his face) Oh my God, you guys _totally_ missed it! We got kicked out of the fishing museum. So far this trip we've been kicked out of the go-cart park, the candy factory, the midway and now the fishing museum. That's a new record. We're leaving a path of destruction everywhere we go. (he laughs) It's awesome!

JACKIE STANDS UP AND HEADS TO HYDE, SHE DOESN'T LOOK HAPPY.

JACKIE:

You guys were supposed to meet us at the pony rides. I had to take the twins by myself and I stepped in horse poop, Steven. Horse poop.

HYDE:

(grinning) I'm sorry I missed it.

JACKIE:

Steven, this vacation was supposed to be for the twins and Betsy. Not for you three idiots.

HYDE:

Well I guess you should've explained that to me before we left.

JACKIE:

(with a loud sigh) What am I going to do with you?

HYDE:

(he smirks at her) Ask Brooke to watch the twins and I'll show you exactly what you can do with me.

JACKIE:

God, I just wanted to have one of those perfect family vacations, you know, where everyone dresses alike and runs through the hills singing.

HYDE:

Jackie, that's not a family vacation, that's "The Sound of Music".

BROOKE:

(crosses to Kelso) Will you guys at least come with us to the water ski show?

KELSO:

Do they serve beer there?

BROOKE:

Michael ...

HYDE:

(scowling at Kelso like he's mad at him) Kelso, don't be an idiot. (a beat and then he smirks) It's Wisconsin. They serve beer everywhere.

KELSO:

(nods) We're in.

BROOKE:

(to Kelso) There'll be no beer drinking.

KELSO:

(shakes his head) We're out.

JACKIE:

Fine. (she shrugs and crosses her arms in front of her chest with a pout) No water ski show ... no bikinis.

LAURIE GETS UP AND HEADS OVER TO FEZ.

LAURIE:

(gives a nod) That's right. (she pokes Fez in the chest repeatedly) You guys ditch the water ski show and you don't get to come with us to the beach.

FEZ:

(sadly rubbing his chest where Laurie poked him) That's blackmail.

HYDE:

Ok, if we go to the show, can we at least throw things at the chicks on the top of the pyramid?

JACKIE ROLLS HER EYES IN IRRITATION THEN SMACKS HYDE IN THE STOMACH AND WALKS OFF IN A HUFF. BROOKE AND LAURIE FOLLOW.

HYDE:(cont'd)

(calling after Jackie) What? (he turns to the guys and shrugs) I don't see the problem.

KELSO:

(shaking his head) Me neither.

FEZ:

I thought it was a magnificent idea.

HYDE BENDS DOWN TO PICK UP THE TWINS WHILE KELSO AND FEZ SIT AT THE CARD TABLE AND BEGIN TO PLAY, TOTALLY UNAFFECTED BY THE GIRLS TANTRUMS.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 6

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, THAT NIGHT. RED, KITTY, ERIC AND DONNA ARE AT THE TABLE EATING DINNER. KITTY HAS A HUGE SMILE ON HER FACE AS SHE LOOKS AT THEM ALL.

KITTY:

This is so wonderful. The perfect little family dinner. So how was everyone's day?

ERIC:

(sighs melodramatically) Mine was crazy. The new Superman and the new Batman comic came out today. It was pandemonium.

KITTY:

(to Eric) Oh you poor thing.

DONNA:

Yeah, and I had a pair of tickets to the Prince concert to give away. When I close my eyes, all I hear is the phone ringing and crazy girls threatening me.

KITTY:

(to Donna) Oh how awful that must have been.

RED:

(to Kitty) I had to replace five mufflers.

KITTY:

(gives Red a half-hearted smile) Well, that's nice. (she turns back to Eric and Donna) So, what are you two up to tonight?

DONNA:

(with a sigh) I have to wash all of me and Eric's dirty clothes from our trip.

KITTY:

(gets a mischievous smile) No you (in a sing-song voice) do-on't. Because I already (in a sing-song voice) di-id.

DONNA:

Wow. (with a giddy smile) Thanks, Kitty.

KITTY:

You're welcome, sweetie. Now, why don't you two just go downstairs and put a movie on and I'll make you a huge bowl of buttery popcorn.

ERIC:

(shrugs) Ok, if you insist.

KITTY:

(nods) I do.

KITTY LAUGHS AND THEN STANDS UP AND GIVES ERIC A KISS ON THE TOP OF HIS HEAD, THEN SHE DOES THE SAME THING TO DONNA. ERIC AND DONNA GET UP AND HEAD INTO THE BASEMENT. THEN KITTY HEADS TO THE CUPBOARD AND STARTS GOING THROUGH THEM GETTING OUT THE INGREDIENTS FOR POPCORN. RED WATCHES IT ALL WITH GREAT IRRITATION.

RED:

(to Kitty) I'd like some popcorn, too.

KITTY:

(ignoring him) Eat your dinner, Red.

RED FROWNS

CUT TO THE BASEMENT WHERE ERIC AND DONNA ARE SNUGGLED UP ON THE COUCH UNDER A BLANKET WITH A HUGE BOWL OF POPCORN AND ROOT BEER FLOATS.

ERIC:

You know, Donna, I bet if we play our cards right, my mom will make us Oreo malts tomorrow night.

DONNA:

(looking around a little disgusted) Oh my God, Eric. Look at us.

ERIC:

(he looks down at the blanket in their laps) Yeah, I know. You're kind of hogging the blanket.

DONNA:

You know, I used to blame you and Hyde's almost total lack of motivation on laziness and one too many circles - but now I see it's not your fault. If I had your mom taking care of me, I'd be a lazy bastard, too.

ERIC:

(with a stunned smile he turns to Donna) Y-heh-ess! Thank you! Someone _finally_ gets it. You are, like, the best wife _ever_.

DONNA:

But this has to end.

ERIC:

What? No! (with a snort) You're, like, the_ meanest_ wife _ever_.

DONNA:

Eric, we're married. We've gotta stop letting your mommy wait on us hand and foot.

ERIC:

Come on, Donna. It's not like we're making her wear a uniform or something. And besides, she loves taking care of people.

DONNA:

(contemplates for a minute and then she relents) Ok, fine. We'll eat this popcorn -

ERIC:

(interrupting her while he smiles happily at his float) And the delicious root beer floats.

DONNA:

(a little guilty she sighs) _And_ the root beer floats. But then that's_ it. _We're cooking our own food after this.

CUT TO ANOTHER DAY. ERIC AND DONNA ARE SEATED AT THE TABLE WITH A HUGE FEAST OF FOOD IN FRONT OF THEM. DONNA IS HOLDING A PIECE OF CHICKEN UP AND STARING AT IT, VERY GUILTILY.

DONNA:

We'll eat this fried chicken and then that's it.

CUT TO ANOTHER DAY. ERIC AND DONNA ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE AND THEY EACH HAVE A HUG SUNDAE IN FRONT OF THEM.

DONNA:

We'll eat this huge brownie sundae and then that's it.

CUT TO ANOTHER DAY. ERIC AND DONNA ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE WITH A HUGE PAN OF LASAGNE AND PLATES IN FRONT OF THEM.

DONNA:

We'll eat this amazing, cheesy lasagne and that's it.

ERIC:

(shakes his head very matter-of-fact) No it isn't.

DONNA:

(sadly) Yeah. No it isn't.

THEY BOTH DIVE INTO THEIR FOOD.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, AFTERNOON. RED IS SEATED AT THE TABLE EATING A SANDWICH WHEN ERIC WALKS IN FROM THE LIVING ROOM. ERIC IS A DISHEVELED MESS AND IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S JUST WOKEN UP. HE GOES STRAIGHT FOR THE FRIDGE AND OPENS IT UP. RED STARES AT HIM.

RED:

Eric, are you just getting up?

ERIC TURNS TO RED AND GIVES HIM A LOOK LIKE HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THE PROBLEM.

ERIC:

Yeah. From my _nap._ (he rolls his eyes and turns back to the fridge)

RED:

Don't you have a job?

ERIC:

Yes. But I also have Mitch. And the only thing he's good for is working when I don't want to. Otherwise, I would've wrapped him up in one of the R2-D2 garbage cans and shipped him to Menomonie a long time ago.

RED:

Well what about your wife? What does Donna think about you sleeping all day while she's out working?

DONNA ENTERS FROM THE LIVING ROOM SHE, TOO, LOOKS LIKE SHE JUST WOKE UP.

DONNA:

(stretching lazily) God, I slept like a rock. (to Eric) What'd your mom make us for lunch?

SHE HEADS OVER TO THE FRIDGE TO JOIN ERIC BUT IS STOPPED BY RED'S QUESTION.

RED:

(to Donna with a frown) Not you, too?

DONNA:

I can't help it. I like being spoiled. (defensively) It's not a crime.

RED:

I thought you were some sort of feminist.

DONNA:

Hey, feminists need naps, too.

ERIC:

(looking in the fridge) Ooh look, Mom made cheese dip.

DONNA QUICKLY RUNS OVER TO THE FRIDGE AND HELPS ERIC START UNLOADING IT. RED WATCHES BOTH OF THEM, GREATLY ANNOYED.

RED:

I'm never getting my house back.

RED GOES BACK TO HIS SANDWICH WITH A SCOWL.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

EXT. THE DELLS, AFTERNOON. A STREET CARNIVAL. THERE ARE VENDORS AND FOOD STANDS SET UP AND THE GANG IS WALKING AROUND. KELSO AND FEZ HAVE THEIR FACES PAINTED AND HYDE IS CARRYING AN ARMFUL OF PRIZES. THE GUYS LOOK INCREDIBLY IRRITATED. JACKIE IS PUSHING THE TWINS IN A STROLLER WHILE BROOKE PUSHES BETSY IN HERS. LAURIE IS EATING SOME COTTON CANDY AND LOOKING EXTREMELY BORED.

JACKIE:

(to Hyde) So, this is fun, right?

HYDE:

(with a frown) No.

FEZ:

(shaking his head) Not even close.

KELSO:

(yells with an angry pout) We could be plummeting over the falls in a raft right now. I was gonna hold Fez under water until he passed out.

FEZ:

Ooh, that sounds like fun.

KELSO:

It woulda been!

JACKIE:

(throwing her hands up in frustration) Alright, alright, fine! You win, Steven.

HYDE:

Come again?

JACKIE:

You guys were right. This is so boring.

LAURIE:

The only fun part was watching Kelso freak out the Fun House.

KELSO:

(a little angrily) Fun my ass. There were clowns _everywhere_!

BROOKE:

(sadly to the guys) Well what are we supposed to do? Everything you guys wanna do has a height requirement and we can't bring the kids.

LAURIE:

(she grins) Yeah. Or Jackie.

KELSO:

(yells out with a big smile) I've got it!

HYDE:

(studying Kelso) Oh this'll be choice.

KELSO:

The fireworks tomorrow. There is no age or height requirement to enjoying watching things blow up. It's fun for everyone.

JACKIE:

Ok fine, but can we at least take the kids on the tour of the falls?

KELSO:

Will there be beer involved?

BROOKE:

Michael, do you have to ask that about everything?

KELSO:

I'm a simple man, Brooke. It's one of my most adorable qualities.

FEZ:

(smiles at Kelso and nods) That and his beautiful eyes.

EVERYONE GIVES FEZ A STRANGE LOOK AND HE JUST SMILES, A LITTLE EMBARRASSED

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

INT. ERIC'S BEDROOM, MORNING. ERIC AND DONNA ARE IN BED COVERED BY BLANKETS WITH NO CLOTHES ON. ERIC BEGINS TO STIR AND HE RUNS HIS ARM ACROSS THE BED AND GRABS DONNA, PULLING HER TO HIM.

ERIC:

(giving her a wicked smile) Why, hello. Fancy meeting you here.

DONNA:

(with a grin) You're certainly chipper this morning.

ERIC:

Oh I'm not chipper. I'm horny. There's a big difference. Let me show you.

DONNA LAUGHS AS ERIC LEANS IN AND KISSES HER. THEY BEGIN TO MAKE OUT WHEN THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND KITTY WALKS IN WITH A TRAY FULL OF FOOD.

KITTY:

Breakfast in bed time!

ERIC BOLTS UP IN BED WHILE DONNA TRIES TO COVER HERSELF WITH A SHEET.

ERIC:

(his voice cracking) Mom! We're kind of in the middle of something here.

KITTY:

Oh that's ok, sweetie. If you two are going to be living here I'm just going to have to get used to the fact that you'll be having intercourse.

ERIC:

_Mom_!

DONNA:

(totally mortified) Oh my God.

KITTY WALKS OVER TO THE BED AND SCOOTS DONNA OVER SO SHE CAN SIT DOWN THEN SHE SETS THE TRAY OF FOOD DOWN IN BETWEEN ERIC AND DONNA.

KITTY:

Just try and be quick in the morning because I've decided I'm going to make you two breakfast in bed every day.

ERIC:

Excuse me?

KITTY:

There's no need to get out of bed for your food when I can bring it right to you. So, finish what you were doing and then you can have your sun-shaped pancakes. (she holds up a plate to show the pancake is in the shape of a sun with bacon for the rays and a fruit face) Look, bacon rays!

KITTY SMILES PROUDLY AND THEN NOTICES THAT ERIC AND DONNA ARE STARING AT HER IN HORROR SO SHE PICKS UP THE TRAY AND GETS OFF THE BED.

KITTY:(cont'd)

I'll just put these over here til you're done. (with a knowing smile) You don't want to get bacon where the sun don't shine.

KITTY LAUGHS AGAIN AND SETS THE TRAY DOWN NEXT TO THE BED THEN SHE EXITS THE ROOM. DONNA AND ERIC STARE AT EACH OTHER.

ERIC:

(his mouth hanging open) We have to move.

DONNA:

(nodding in agreement) Now.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

EXT. THE DELLS, NIGHTTIME. THERE ARE BLANKETS SPREAD ON THE GROUND AND EVERYONE IS GATHERED WATCHING THE FIREWORKS. THE KIDS ARE ON A CORNER OF THE BLANKET PLAYING WITH EACH OTHER AND THE COUPLES ARE ALL LYING TOGETHER. THERE IS A LARGE COOLER ON ONE OF THE BLANKETS AND EVERYONE HAS SOME SORT OF DRINK.

FEZ:

(putting his arm around Laurie) I love fireworks. They're so ...

LAURIE:

(interrupts Fez) Explosive. (she smiles proudly)

FEZ:

(nodding at her) Exactly, my lovely. Explosive.

KELSO:

(points up at the sky) Those are some good fireworks. And I outta know. I'm an expert on fireworks.

HYDE:

Kelso, blowing yourself up doesn't make you an expert on fireworks. It just makes you an expert on burn cream.

BROOKE:

Michael, just how many times _have_ you blown yourself up?

KELSO:

(pauses for a second and thinks before answering) Do you want the times I just singed something or do you want the really big ones?

HYDE:

(to Kelso) My personal favorite - the great ER visit of New Years's Eve, 1975.

KELSO:

(smiles fondly) Ooh, that was a good one.

JACKIE:

(snuggles up to Hyde and sighs) Fireworks are so romantic, aren't they?

FEZ:

(waggles his eyebrows and smiles perversely) Romance is everywhere if you just look for it. You can make the bathroom at the Hub romantic if you really try.

JACKIE:

(scowls at Fez) God, you are such a freak.

FEZ:

(to Jackie) Name calling? That's not very patriotic.

LAURIE:

Yeah. (bitchy) Shut up, Jackie.

JACKIE SITS UP INDIGNANTLY AND BEGINS ARGUING BACK AND FORTH WITH FEZ AND LAURIE. BROOKE IS FUSSING WITH THE KIDS, BUT WE CAN'T SEE WHAT SHE'S DOING.

BROOKE:

(trying to talk over the argument that's going on) You guys, the kids are eating dirt.

JACKIE IMMEDIATELY GETS UP AND GOES OVER TO BROOKE AS THEY TRY AND GET THEIR KIDS TO SPIT OUT THE SAND THEY'VE INGESTED. KELSO STARTS RIFFLING THROUGH THE COOLER.

KELSO:

(he looks at Fez and Laurie) _UH_! Who drank the last beer?

LAURIE STARTS ARGUING WITH KELSO AS BROOKE AND JACKIE CONTINUE TO DEAL WITH THE KIDS. HYDE JUST SITS BACK AND WATCHES THE CHAOS WITH GRIN AND A NOD.

HYDE:

(content) Now _this_ is a family vacation.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 5

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, LATER THAT NIGHT. KITTY AND RED ARE WATCHING TV. KITTY IS SITTING ON THE COUCH AND RED IS IN HIS CHAIR WHEN DONNA AND ERIC WALK IN FROM THE KITCHEN. DONNA LOOKS INCREDIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE AND SHE CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT RED AND KITTY. ERIC IS TWITCHING.

ERIC:

(quickly) So, good news. Looks like the house is gonna be done in three weeks.

DONNA:

Yep. (with a nervous laugh) You'll be rid of us before you know it.

RED:

(smiles sarcastically) Aww. Really.

KITTY:

(with a very sad pout) But we were having so much fun. And I haven't even made my extra special enchilada hot dish yet.

ERIC:

Well, we'll just have to save that for another time I guess.

KITTY:

(sighs) I guess so.

AN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE PASSES UNTIL DONNA WHACKS ERIC IN THE STOMACH.

ERIC:

(his voice cracking) Yeah. (he clears his throat) Um, we're going out.

HE AND DONNA TURN AND START TOWARDS THE KITCHEN WHEN KITTY CALLS AFTER THEM.

KITTY:

Don't you want me to make you dinner?

ERIC:

(not bothering to turn back) We'll eat at the Hub.

ERIC AND DONNA QUICKLY EXIT AND KITTY AND RED SMILE AT EACH OTHER.

KITTY:

I knew that breakfast in bed thing would get 'em.

RED:

(gives her a nod) You're a genius, sweetheart.

KITTY GRINS AND THEY TURN THEIR ATTENTION BACK TO THE TV.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

EXT. THE DELLS, THE PIRATE'S COVE PUTT PUTT. A FEW DAYS LATER. ERIC, DONNA, HYDE, JACKIE (EACH HOLDING A BABY) FEZ, LAURIE AND BROOKE (HOLDING BETSY) ARE PLAYING MINI GOLF. KELSO IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.

ERIC:

(to Donna) We should've come _here_ for our honeymoon.

BROOKE:

(yelling at Kelso who is off-camera) Michael, get down off that plank before you fall.

SUDDENLY, WE HEAR KELSO YELP OUT AND THEN THE GANG FOLLOWS HIS DESCENT FROM THE PLANK. HE LANDS WITH A LOUD SPLASH AND AFTER A FEW SECONDS HE STARTS TO LAUGH.

KELSO:

(off-camera laughing uncontrollably) Holy crap! This water's freezing!

EVERYONE JUST SHAKES THEIR HEADS AT KELSO. BROOKE LOOKS A LITTLE SAD AND HYDE GIVES HER A REASSURING PAT ON THE BACK.

HYDE:

(grins at Brooke) Look at it this way: at least he didn't blow himself up.

BROOKE SHRUGS AND NODS WEAKLY. EVERYONE RESUMES THEIR GAME.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"It's A Long Way To The Top (If You Wanna Rock 'N' Roll)

Hyde is given a huge promotion, and Fez and Laurie decide to go to cosmetology school.

* * *


	42. It's A Long Way To The Top

"It's A Long Way To The Top (If You Wanna Rock 'N' Roll)

All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by AC/DC

I own nothing. This is episode 9-11.

Oh my God!! It's a Thanksgiving miracle!! I updated

Yes. I know. It took an insanely long time for this to be updated and most of you probably thought it had been abandoned. That is absolutely not the case. I would not have written 42 chapters and then abandon this story. That would make me no better than the jerk-offs at FOX. However, I suffered from extreme burnout. So rather than give you some crappy update, I stepped away from this story for a while. Try to understand that writing a story of this size seriously took its toll on me and I needed to take a long break to get my sanity back. I want to thank those of you who reviewed letting me know you were patiently waiting and re-reading the story. Seriously, thank you so much for being patient with me. And to those of you who chose to leave me nasty reviews and send me rude PMs - did you think that calling me names was going to make me write faster? I do not appreciate the comments some of you have sent my way, they really bummed me out. I do not _owe_ you anything. This is not my job, I am not getting paid for it. I have a family and a life outside of this story and whenever I write that takes time away from them. All of us who write at FF are doing it because we love the characters we are writing about, but none of us get anything in return for it except your reviews. So try to keep that in mind next time you tell a FF writer they _owe_ you something.

Please check out my newly update profile page. It will give you a link to my LJ where I've complied a summary of all the episodes in this story and also a link to all of the music. I want to sincerely thank you guys for reviewing!!!

And a special thank you to my lobster, Michelle. :) You keep me writing, girl.

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S KITCHEN. MORNING. JACKIE IS SITTING AT THE TABLE WITH THE TWINS. SHE IS TRYING VERY UNSUCCESSFULLY TO FEED THEM CARROTS AND THERE IS ORANGE GOOP EVERYWHERE.

JACKIE:

(baby talk) Here comes the choo-choo train. And it's loaded with yummy, delicious carrots and please don't spit them out on mommy again. This is cashmere.

HYDE ENTERS FROM THE LIVING ROOM WEARING A SUIT AND TIE. HE HEADS OVER TO WHERE THE TWINS ARE SITTING AND HE RUFFLES EACH OF THEIR HEADS.

HYDE:

(to Jackie) Ok, I'm outta here. I'll be at my dad's office in Milwaukee if you need me.

JACKIE:

(with a pout) Steven, Jagger won't eat his carrots.

HYDE:

That's cause he's smart.

JACKIE:

(with a whine) But what if he never wants to eat his carrots or his applesauce or his peas and he stays this size forever.

HYDE:

(smirks at Jackie) I wonder if that's what happened to you?

JACKIE:

You're not funny.

HYDE:

Sure I am.

ERIC AND DONNA ENTER THROUGH THE BACK DOOR.

ERIC:

Hey guys.

DONNA:

(pointing to the babies) What the hell is that?

JACKIE:

(irritated) It's carrots. And Jagger won't eat it.

DONNA SITS DOWN NEXT T JACKIE AT THE TABLE AND STARTS POKING AT THE BOWL OF CARROTS WITH THE SPOON.

DONNA:

Can you blame the poor guy? Look at this stuff. It looks like the time Fez puked up Cheetos after too many amaretto sours. What kind of mother makes their kid eat this crap?

JACKIE:

(uses her spoon to point at Donna) Look, don't get all bitchy with me just because this stuff is the same color as your hair.

HYDE:

(grins at Jackie) Well, I'd love to stay and watch my wife burn people, but I have a meeting to go to.

ERIC:

And as much as _I'd _like to stay and watch my wife _get_ burned, I have to go, too. The new Cloud City Lego set is coming in today, and if I'm not there to supervise Mitch is totally going to put the star bay on wrong.

DONNA:

(indignantly to Eric) She didn't burn me.

ERIC:

(wryly) She did.

HYDE:

(nodding in agreement) Like toast.

DONNA:

(with a wave) Fine, whatever, I don't care. (gives Jackie a teasing smile) 'Cause I get the last laugh.

JACKIE:

Oh yeah?

DONNA:

Yeah. 'Cause maybe my hair _is_ this color. (points at carrots stuck in Jackie's hair) But you actually have this nasty stuff _stuck_ in your hair.

JACKIE GASPS AND WITH A HORRIFIED LOOK SHE PUTS A HAND IN HER HAIR AND DISCOVERS DONNA'S RIGHT.

JACKIE:

(wrinkling her nose in disgust) Ewwww.

DONNA GIVES JACKIE A SMUG SMILE AND THEN OFFERS HER A NAPKIN WHICH JACKIE TAKES AND STARTS TO CLEAN OFF HER HAIR. HYDE GIVES JACKIE A QUICK KISS AND THEN HEADS OUT THE DOOR FOLLOWED BY ERIC.

CUT TO THEME SONG

ACT 1

SCENE 2

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, LATER THAT SAME MORNING. THE TABLE IS LOADED WITH FOOD AND KITTY IS AT THE STOVE FLIPPING PANCAKES WHEN RED WALKS IN FROM THE LIVING ROOM. HE TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE HUGE SPREAD OF FOOD AND FROWNS.

RED:

Kitty, I realize you still think we have 25 kids living here, but do we have to cook enough food to feed every hungry kid who thinks they live in our basement? It just makes them keep coming back if you continue to feed them.

LAURIE AND FEZ ENTER FROM THE SLIDING DOOR

LAURIE:

(overly enthusiastic) Hi Mommy! Hi Daddy!

RED:

(to Kitty as he points at Laurie and Fez as if to prove his point) See.

FEZ:

(with a huge smile) Oh sweet heaven, are those caramel rolls I smell?

FEZ AND LAURIE WALTZ INTO THE KITCHEN AND MAKE THEMSELVES AT HOME, THEY SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE AND THEY START TO LOAD UP PLATES FULL OF FOOD. RED HEADS TO THE TABLE AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO FEZ WHILE KITTY PUTS MORE FOOD ON THE TABLE.

KITTY:

(with a sigh) Alright, Laurie, what was it you two wanted to talk to us about?

RED:

Laurie, if you're are moving to Bora Bora or wherever the hell Captain Stupido is from, I don't even want to know.

RED SHOOTS FEZ A GROUCHY LOOK AND TAKES THE PLATE OF CARAMEL ROLLS AWAY FROM HIM.

LAURIE:

No, Daddy, it's nothing like that.(she smiles and looks back and forth between Red and Kitty) Fez and I have some good news.

RED AND KITTY BOTH QUICKLY TURN AND STARE AT LAURIE AND FEZ IN SHOCK.

KITTY:

(claps excitedly) Oh my God, you're pregnant!

RED:

(looks horrified) Oh my God, you're pregnant.

LAURIE:

(looks confused) What? No.

KITTY:

You're not pregnant?

LAURIE:

No.

FEZ:

(with a lecherous smile he elbows Red) But it is not for lack of trying. You know, what I mean, Dad?

RED SLOWLY TURNS TO FEZ AND GIVES HIM A MURDEROUS GLARE.

FEZ(cont'd):

(looking terrified) Ai.

LAURIE:

(with a big dopey smile like she's extremely proud of herself) Fez and I are going to school.

KITTY:

(smiles sweetly at Fez) Oh Fez, sweetie, are you going to take one of those "how to speak English" classes?

WITH A HUFF, FEZ PUTS DOWN HIS FOOD AND LOOKS AT KITTY.

FEZ:

(indignantly) What do you people think it is I speak right now?

RED:

Honestly? We don't know.

LAURIE:

(sighs in irritation and tries to change the subject) No. We're going to cosmetology school.

KITTY:

(flatly, to Laurie) Again?

LAURIE:

(rolling her eyes)Yes, _again._ (she smiles again and wraps her arm through Fez's) But this time I'll have Fez there to help me.

RED:

You know, I think you mother had a good idea - take one of those "stop speaking with an accent" classes _first._ Then work your way up to the "how to paint fingernails" classes.

LAURIE:

(pouts) I can't believe you guys aren't excited for us. This is really important to Fez and me.

FEZ:

(nodding in agreement) And just to show you _how_ serious we are, Laurie and I have taken half of our monthly candy and beer money and set it aside to pay for school.

KITTY:

Well, that _is_ serious.

FEZ:

Yes. (smiles a little guiltily) Oh, and, Miss Kitty, could you please start buying more candy and beer? Because, while we are serious about school, we are also hungry and thirsty.

LAURIE:

(excitedly) And then, when we both finish school, we can open up our own salon. We're going to be the hippest, trendiest salon in Wisconsin.

FEZ:

(quickly and with a smile) Yes, with no blue hairs. And we're also going to implement a "no uggo" policy.

RED PUSHES HIMSELF BACK FROM THE TABLE AND STANDS UP GIVING FEZ A VERY SARCASTIC SMILE.

RED:

Well, I'm going to implement a "no dumbass" policy. So I guess that means you'll be leaving.

RED EXITS INTO THE LIVING ROOM. EVERYONE WATCHES HIM GO. LAURIE LOOKS ANNOYED AND FEZ HAS A SCOWL ON HIS FACE. KITTY GIVES THEM A SAD SMILE AND PATS FEZ ON THE HAND.

KITTY:

You know, sweetie, if you did take one of those "English for foreigners classes", Red might actually be a little nicer to you.

FEZ POUTS AND LAURIE CROSSES HER ARMS AND SLOUCHES LIKE A PETULANT KID.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 3

INT. W.B.'S OFFICE, LATER THAT AFTERNOON. W.B. IS SITTING BEHIND HIS DESK AND HYDE IS STANDING IN A CORNER BEHIND HIM. THERE ARE TWO MEN IN SUITS SITTING IN CHAIRS FACING W.B.'S DESK. THEY ARE ALL LISTENING TO MUSIC - THE SONG _"DO THAT TO ME ONE MORE TIME"_ BY THE CAPTAIN AND TENILLE. THE RECORD EXECUTIVES HAVE HUGE SMILES ON THEIR FACES AND ARE SWAYING APPRECIATIVELY TO THE MUSIC. W.B. IS LISTENING WITH SERIOUSNESS AND HYDE IS DOING NOTHING TO DISGUISE HIS DISLIKE OF THE SONG. AFTER A FEW SECONDS, ONE OF THE RECORD EXECS GETS OUT OF HIS CHAIR AND TURNS DOWN THE MUSIC A BIT SO HE CAN TALK OVER IT.

RECORD EXEC #1:

(with a big and fake smile) It's got a great beat doesn't it? It gets you right here. (taps at his chest melodramatically)

HYDE:

Actually, it gets me right here. (pats his stomach) It makes me want to split my head open against a brick wall.

W.B.:

(with a uncomfortable laugh) My son's taste in music is limited to rock and roll.

W.B. SHOOTS HYDE A LOOK THAT TELLS HIM TO COOL IT.

RECORD EXEC #2:

(to Hyde) Don't close yourself off to Adult Contemporary. It's the future of music.

HYDE:

Well in that case, I'm gonna help my buddy finish his time machine and we'll travel back to when music was good.

THE RECORD EXECS GLANCE BACK AND FORTH AT EACH OTHER, A LITTLE ANNOYED. THEY PLASTER ON FAKE SMILES AND THE SECOND MAN RISES FROM HIS CHAIR PROMPTING W.B. TO DO THE SAME.

RECORD EXEC #1:

Mr. Barnett, perhaps we should let you and your son discuss some things before we start talking numbers.

EACH MAN HOLDS THEIR HAND OUT FOR W.B. TO SHAKE, WHICH HE DOES. THEN THEY OFFER THEIR HANDS TO HYDE, WHO SHAKES THEM BEGRUDGINGLY.

W.B.:

We'll do that. Thanks for stopping by, gentlemen.

THE RECORD EXECUTIVES HEAD OUT OF W.B.'S OFFICE AND INTO THE HALLWAY

HYDE:

(calling after them)Yeah, and hey, if it's any consolation, my wife loves music that sucks so at least _she'll_ buy your records.

W.B. TURNS TO HYDE AND SHAKES HIS HEAD AT HIM.

W.B.:

Steven, you need to show these people a little respect. They're record executives. We need them in our corner. So let's try to keep the smart-ass comments to a minimum.

HYDE:

W.B., Grooves is about rock and roll. You know, the classics, the great ones. (he points to the record player where the song was playing) That song featured a dude playing the recorder. (really annoyed) The _recorder_. You know- that plastic thing they teach you how to play "Three Blind Mice" on in grade school. Playing the recorder isn't music. It just makes me envy deaf people.

W.B.:

(holding up the record they had been listening to) But there are people out there that love this music. We can't just sell rock and roll records. We have to change with the times. Steven, I need you to learn how to handle people if you're going to take over this company some day.

HYDE:

(he shakes his head) Maybe that's the problem, man. I don't handle people. I don't do that ass-kissing, fake crap. If I don't like someone I'm not gonna pretend like I do.

W.B.:

We don't call it ass-kissing. We call it "business". And you need to learn how to handle your business.

HYDE:

That's not who I am, W.B.

W.B. CROSSES TO HYDE AND PUTS A HAND ON HIS SHOULDER.

W.B.:

(sincerely) Steven, who you are is my son. And some day this whole thing is going to be yours. Well, yours and your sister's. But let's face it. (like he's unsure how to say it) Angie's a little ... she's kind of ...

HYDE:

Crazy?

W.B.:

(points at Hyde) Don't talk that way about your sister. (a little begrudgingly) But yes, she's mildly unstable. So most of Grooves is going to be yours. And I want you to start taking a more active role in running the business. (grinning) I want to retire to Florida and order white people around while I still have my hair and slim physique. (pauses like he's thinking and then smiles, extremely proud of himself) Oh who am I kidding? I'm always going to have this hair.

HYDE:

(grins) Yeah, I'm not sure which legacy I should be more grateful to you for. A million dollar company or this righteous fro.

W.B.:

So what do you say, Steven? What to learn a little something about business?

HYDE:

(with a knowing smirk)You know, I actually ran my own little business in high school.

W.B.:

Oh you do make a father proud, son.

HYDE GRINS AND NODS AND W.B. JUST CHUCKLES AND SHAKES HIS HEAD.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 4

INT. FEZ AND LAURIE'S APARTMENT, THE SAME TIME. LAURIE AND BROOKE ARE SITTING ON THE FLOOR WITH BETSY WHILE FEZ IS SITTING ON THE COUCH AND KELSO IS STANDING BEHIND HIM, VERY CONCENTRATED ON TRYING TO SOLVE HIS RUBIC'S CUBE.

BROOKE:

(to Laurie) So, you guys are going back to school? I think that's so exciting.

KELSO:

(not looking up from his toy) No uh-uh. That's freaking crazy. We just got out. Why the hell do you want to go back in? Believe me, if I could've become a cop without the whole Police Academy thing, I would've.

LAURIE:

Kelso, if you could survive without breathing you'd do it.

KELSO LOOKS UP FROM HIS TOY AND FEZ NODS IN AGREEMENT.

FEZ;

She's right. You are a lazy bastard, my friend. It's a good thing you have your good looks to rely upon.

KELSO:

(with a big dumb smile) Not only _rely_ upon, I totally misuse their power, man. (he points at Brooke) How do you think I ended up with Brooke?

BROOKE:

Michael, don't discourage them. (to Fez and Laurie) I can't wait for you guys to open your own salon. I'll go there, and you can cut Betsy's hair and Michael's, too.

AT THIS KELSO CROSSES TO THE COUCH AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO FEZ.

KELSO:

(nervously laughing he shakes his head) Whoa, wait a minute, Brooke. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm totally cool with you two trying to better yourself or whatever crap you're gonna do. But I don't let just anyone cut these locks. (he points to his hair)

LAURIE:

(rolls her eyes at Kelso) Kelso, I've seen you cut your _own_ hair.

KELSO:

(bratty) Only when I got gum stuck in it, _Laurie_.

FEZ:

But we will have so many more things to offer besides haircuts. There will be manicures and facials and massages...

KELSO:

(excitedly elbows Fez) Oooh, hire one of those tiny Asian chicks from that boarded-up building on Water street.

BROOKE REACHES OVER AND SMACKS KELSO ON THE LEG.

BROOKE:

Michael!

FEZ:

_I_ will be the in-house masseur. (he stands) Let me demonstrate.

FEZ CROSSES BEHIND THE COUCH AND STARTS TO GIVE KELSO A BACK RUB.

KELSO:

Oh. Oh yeah. (he closes his eyes and starts to laugh) That feels awesome. (opens his eyes and points at Laurie) Laurie, you are one lucky chick to own these magic hands.

LAURIE:

(staring at Kelso) You are _totally_ creeping me out right now.

KELSO:

There's nothing creepy about appreciating hands that dance across your spine like they were blessed by angels.(waggles his finger at Laurie) And for your information, Lau-rie. Breathing can be really hard work. In and out, rest. In and out, rest. Sometimes I just can't find a good rhythm!

LAURIE JUST STARES AT KELSO COMPLETELY ANNOYED WHILE FEZ MASSAGES AWAY

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 1

SCENE 5

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S KITCHEN, THAT AFTERNOON. JACKIE IS AGAIN SITTING WITH THE TWINS AT THE TABLE TRYING TO FEED THEM. THERE IS BABY FOOD EVERYWHERE AND JACKIE LOOKS INCREDIBLY FRAZZLED. HYDE WALKS IN THROUGH THEIR BACK DOOR.

JACKIE:

Look! Daddy's here.(to the twins) And Daddy wants to show you how to eat your carrots.

HYDE SHAKES HIS HEAD AND HEADS STRAIGHT TO THE FRIDGE.

HYDE:

Don't even think about it, Jackie.

JACKIE:

You are a mean, mean man.

HYDE TURNS AROUND FROM THE FRIDGE AND POINTS AT JACKIE'S FACE.

HYDE:

And _you've_ got carrots on your face.

JACKIE:

Oh God.

JACKIE SLUMPS OVER AND PUTS HER HEAD DOWN ON THE TABLE, WHILE HYDE CLOSES THE FRIDGE AND, BEER IN HAND, CROSSES OVER TO THE TABLE AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO JACKIE.

HYDE:

No wait, hold on, there's something I want to talk to you about.

LIFTING HER HEAD UP OFF THE TABLE SHE GLARES AT HYDE.

JACKIE:

Steven, I can't think about sex while I'm covered in pureed vegetables.

HYDE:

It's not about sex. It's about work. (a beat) Wow. I can't believe those words came out of my mouth. (like he's not quite sure how to say it) My, uh ... my dad sort of gave me a promotion.

JACKIE:

What kind of promotion?

HYDE:

The kind where people are gonna doubt his sanity.

JACKIE:

(very fed-up) Steven, I've spent my day getting carrots and peas barfed-up on me. If you have something that is going to make my life more beautiful then you better tell me or I'll (trying to think of a threat) ... I'll pluck your eyebrows when you sleep.

HYDE:

You're one scary chick, you know that, right?

JACKIE:

(she shoves him in the arm) Steven!?

HYDE:

(with a laugh he rubs his arm) Alright, alright.(he pauses) My dad made me vice-president of the company.

JACKIE:

(completely shocked) Oh my God, you've got a title.

HYDE:

(he smirks) I've always had a title.

JACKIE:

"The kid who can get stuff" does not count.

HYDE STARTS TO TAKE JAGGER OUT OF HIS HIGH CHAIR AND LOOKS A LITTLE UNSURE OF WHAT TO SAY NEXT.

HYDE:

Yeah and he kind of gave me a raise.

JACKIE:

A raise? How much.

HYDE:

Enough.

JACKIE:

Steven, I have soggy Cheerios down my bra. I need numbers.

HYDE SETS JAGGER ON HIS LAP AND THEN GRABS A PIECE OF PAPER OUT OF HIS SUIT COAT POCKET. HE UNFOLDS THE PAPER AND HANDS IT TO JACKIE. HER EYES IMMEDIATELY GO WIDE IN SHOCK AS SHE READS IT.

JACKIE (cont'd):

Oh my God, Steven, we're going to be the richest people in Point Place. (she gasps) You have no idea how much I've missed saying that!

JACKIE CONTINUES TO STARE AT THE PAPER WHILE HYDE GRABS A RAG AND STARTS TO WIPE OFF JAGGER'S FACE.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

ACT 2

SCENE 1

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, LATER THAT AFTERNOON. JACKIE AND KITTY ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH WITH THE TWINS. HYDE IS SITTING ON THE PIANO BENCH AND ERIC IS HANGING OUT BY THE BAR. RED ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN IN HIS SHOP UNIFORM AND HEADS TOWARDS HIS CHAIR.

RED:

(to Hyde and Jackie) Alright, let's hear this big news. I left Bob alone in my shop and I don't want him bringing in a monkey or a clown to try and sell mufflers.

ERIC:

(dryly) I would _totally_ buy a muffler from a monkey.

RED:

(points at Eric) Keep it up, smart mouth. I'm running a special today: two feet up your ass for the price of one.

JACKIE:

(excitedly to Hyde) Tell them, Steven.

EVERYONE TURNS THEIR ATTENTION TO HYDE WHO LOOKS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

HYDE:

Well, I - uh ...

KITTY:

(interupting him, she gasps excitedly) Do I hear the pitter-patter of more little feet?

HYDE:

Not unless Jackie's walking around barefoot.

KITTY:

(to Jackie) You're not pregnant?

JACKIE:

No.

RED:

(with a teasing smile) You're 0 for 2 today, Kitty.

HYDE:

(Hyde shrugs nonchalantly) I sorta got a promotion.

JACKIE:

(interjecting) And a raise.

HYDE:

(with a nod) And a raise.

JACKIE:

And his own secretary.(points at Hyde with a warning) But she better be an ugly one. Who's old.

HYDE:

(gives Jackie a small smile) I'll put in a request for one who's barely breathing.

KITTY LOOKS TOTALLY OVERWHELMED BY THE NEWS, WHILE RED AND ERIC ARE WATCHING HYDE WHO DOESN'T SEEM TO BE VERY EXCITED - A FACT WHICH GOES UNNOTICED BY KITTY AND JACKIE.

KITTY:

(stunned) You got a promotion? And a raise?

ERIC:

Don't forget the octogenarian secretary.

KITTY HOPS UP AND RUNS OVER TO HYDE. HE STANDS TO MEET HER AND SHE GIVES HIM A HUGE HUG. HYDE LOOKS A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH ALL THE FUSS.

KITTY:

(still holding on to Hyde she starts to bounce up and down) Steven, this is amazing, sweetie! We are so happy for you. I just knew you weren't going to end up in prison like everyone said.(with an embarrassed smile) Well, I mean - for more than a few hours at a time anyway.

HYDE:

Yeah, well, most of those times were Forman's fault.

KITTY TURNS AND LOOKS AROUND AT EVERYONE IN THE ROOM.

KITTY:

This calls for a toast.

ERIC:

Umm ... in the Forman house, doesn't _everything _call for a toast. (he grins)

RED:

(to Eric) Shut it. (to Hyde) Steven, pour your mother a glass of wine.

HYDE GOES BEHIND THE BAR AND BEGINS TO POUR SOME WINE IN A TUMBLER. KITTY CROSSES TO THE BAR AND STOPS HIM.

KITTY:

Oh no, no, no, Steven. Don't use that glass. Use a wine glass.

HYDE:

(confused) What's the difference?

KITTY:

(pointing at the tumbler) Because if you drink wine out of that glass you just look like a wine-o. (she smiles) But if you drink it out of a wine glass ... you look _classy. _

ERIC:

You know what else is classy? (beat) A monkey who sells mufflers.

RED GETS OUT OF HIS CHAIR AND TAKES A STEP TOWARDS ERIC.

ERIC (cont'd):

(quickly to Red) Okay, I don't want the two-for-one special. I don't even have any money!

HYDE BEGINS POURING OUT DRINKS FOR EVERYONE WHILE RED CONTINUES TO GLARE AT ERIC.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 2

INT FEZ AND LAURIE'S APARTMENT _"LOST IN LOVE" _BY AIR SUPPLY IS PLAYING ON THE RADIO AND FEZ AND LAURIE ARE SNUGGLED UP ON THE COUCH LOOKING OVER SOME BOOKS.

LAURIE:

Look at all this stuff we've gotta learn. (pointing to something in the book she has) Did you know if you leave bleach on too long a person's hair could fall out?

FEZ:

No. But I think that is a mistake we would only make _once_.

THEY GO BACK TO QUIETLY LOOKING AT THEIR BOOKS FOR A FEW SECONDS UNTIL LAURIE BEGINS BITING HER LIP, LOOKING A LITTLE APPREHENSIVE.

LAURIE:

Fez?

FEZ:

Yes, my queen?

LAURIE:

We're smart, right?

FEZ:

(with a sleazy smile) We're sexy bastards, and believe me, that is enough to get through life.

LAURIE:

(with a sigh) I used to think so. But what if that's not true?

FEZ:

(suddenly deadly seroius) Then my entire system of beliefs has been crushed.

LAURIE:

(looking a little sad) Nobody thinks we can do this. I mean, just because we're not, like, geniuses we can still do this. Right?

FEZ TAKES LAURIE'S HAND IN HIS OVERLY ROMATIC WAY AND GIVES HER A SMILE.

FEZ:

_I_ believe we can do this.

LAURIE:

(a tiny smile creeping in) You do?

FEZ:

(nods) Of course I do.

LAURIE:

No one's ever believed in me before.

FEZ:

(waggles his eyebrows at her) Well no one has ever screamed my name as loudly or appreciatively as you. So we are even.

LAURIE LEANS IN AND GIVES FEZ A KISS, THEN SHE PULLS BACK AND STARES AT HIM, LIKE SHE'S CONTEMPLATING WHAT HE SAID.

LAURIE:

You're right, Fez, being sexy is more than enough. Nothing good ever happens to ugly people.

FEZ:

This is true. (a beat) Although, life has been pretty good to Meatloaf.

LAURIE NODS IN AGREEMENT AND THEY BOTH LOOK CONFUSED AT THIS FACT.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 3

EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY, THAT NIGHT. HYDE IS IN THE DRIVEWAY HOLDING A BEER IN ONE HAND AND DRIBBLING A BALL IN THE OTHER. THE SONG _"CARRY ON WAYWARD SON" _BY KANSAS IS COMING FROM A RADIO IN THE GARAGE. RED COMES OUTSIDE FROM THE HOUSE AND HEADS TOWARDS HYDE. HYDE DOESN'T EVEN NOTICE RED HAS COME OUTSIDE.

RED:

(to Hyde) That beer better be from _your_ garage.

HYDE TURNS TO RED.

HYDE:

(grins and nods) It is.

RED:

(crosses closer to Hyde) And you better have gotten me one, too.

HYDE POPS OPEN THE TOP OF A COOLER REVEALING SEVERAL BEERS ON ICE, RED REACHES IN AND GRABS HIMSELF ONE. THEY SILENTLY DRINK FOR A FEW SECONDS.

RED:(cont'd)

(to Hyde) So, the new job's going to be an adjustment for you.

HYDE:

(nods slowly and shrugs) You could say that, yeah. (he pauses and grins) I kind of wish I hadn't burned all my ties now.

RED IGNORES HYDE'S ATTEMPT TO MAKE A JOKE.

RED:

(very pointedly) This is good for you, Steven. Good for your family.

HYDE:

(serious) I know it is, Red. I'm just not sure it's the kind of job I want.

RED:

(sighs and steps in closer to Hyde) Son, there are some things you have to do for your family. Even if you don't want to do them. You think I wanted to work at Price Mart? But a real man does what he has to. It's the American way. Do it even if it makes you miserable. That's what separates us from the French. (with a look of annoyance) They do what _feels_ good. That's why we have to bail their asses out every time the scary country next door invades them.

HYDE:

(grins) Well, I don't wanna be like a French guy. They're pretty girly.

RED:

(nods) Damn straight they are. (pauses) You're a good husband, Steven, and a good father. And when it's all said and done - that's all that really matters.

RED LOOKS AT HYDE LIKE HE WANTS TO MAKE SURE HIS POINT HAS BEEN MADE. HYDE NODS IN ACCEPTANCE.

HYDE:

Got it, Red.

RED:

(grins and takes a swig of his beer) Plus more money means a happier wife and that means a few more minutes of peace every day. And that's what's really, _really_ matters.

HYDE CHUCKLES AND TOSSES THE BALL TOWARDS THE HOOP WHILE RED HEADS BACK INSIDE.

END SCENE

CUT TO BUMPER

ACT 2

SCENE 4

INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S LIVING ROOM, A SHORT WHILE LATER. JACKIE HAS A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE AND SHE IS POURING IT INTO SOME GLASSES. DONNA IS STANDING NEARBY AND LAURIE HAS ANOTHER BOTTLE BETWEEN HER LEGS AS SHE'S ATTEMPTING TO PULL THE CORK OUT. FEZ AND ERIC ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH ALREADY HOLDING GLASSES. HYDE COMES DOWN FROM UPSTAIRS.

HYDE:

Okay, they're finally asleep. Who knew smashed-up peas made babies so freaking hyper.

JACKIE:

(turns to Donna) Donna, can you help me pour this?

LAURIE POPS THE CORK OUT OF ANOTHER BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE AND HANDS IT TO JACKIE.

LAURIE:

Here's another one.

AS HYDE WALKS BY LAURIE HE GIVES HER A SARCASTIC GRIN.

HYDE:

Wow. Laurie has a skill.

LAURIE SHOOTS HYDE A NASTY LOOK.

FEZ:

(with a leer) She has _many_, my sarcastic friend.

LAURIE GRABS A GLASS FOR HERSELF AND HEADS TOWARDS THE COUCH WHILE HYDE GOES AND STANDS NEAR JACKIE. AS DONNA STARTS TO POUR OUT THE CHAMPAGNE WITH JACKIE, SHE PAUSES AND LOOKS AT THE LABEL ON THE BOTTLE.

DONNA:

(shocked) Holy crap, this is the stuff you have to get out of the locked cabinet. You can either buy this champagne or pay your mortgage for the month.(gives Jackie a teasing smile) Are we celebrating that you and Hyde pulled off your first successful liquor store heist?

HYDE:

No. (looks at Jackie) But there was The Great Skittle Robbery from the 7-11 back in '78.

JACKIE:

(rolls her eyes at Hyde) I told you - I was _starving_ and you had no money!

JACKIE AND DONNA FINISH POURING ALL THE CHAMPAGE AND THEY EACH GRAB A GLASS FOR THEMSELVES THEN JACKIE GIVES ON TO HYDE WHILE DONNA DELIVERS ONE TO LAURIE. MEANWHILE, ERIC IS SLAMMING HIS CHAMPAGNE DOWN.

JACKIE (cont'd):

Ok, where are Brooke and Michael? I want to be able to drink this stuff.

SUDDENLY REALIZING HE WAS SUPPOSED TO WAIT TO DRINK, ERIC SPITS OUT SOME CHAMPAGNE FROM HIS MOUTH BACK INTO THE GLASS AND THEN LOOKS AROUND GUILTILY AT THE OTHERS.

DONNA:

Classy, Eric.

ERIC:

(hisses at Donna) No one explained to me we were supposed to wait.

FEZ:

Perhaps when Laurie and I open our salon we should serve cocktails.

HYDE:

(very sarcastically) Good idea. Get Laurie drunk and then give her a pair of scissors. I don't see anything bad coming out of that plan.

BROOKE AND KELSO COME IN THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.

JACKIE:

_Finally_.

JACKIE HEADS BACK OVER TO THE CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE AND GLASSES AND GRABS TWO GLASSES HANDING THEM TO KELSO AND BROOKE AS THEY ENTER THE ROOM.

KELSO:

(quickly) Alright, we're here (he holds up a handful of things excitedly) and I brought the fireworks.

ERIC:

Kelso, you don't even know what we're celebrating.

KELSO:

Doesn't matter, Eric, fireworks go with everything.

JACKIE:

(very dramatically) We're celebrating _this_!

JACKIE HOLDS OUT THE PIECE OF PAPER THAT HAS HYDE'S NEW SALARY ON IT. EVERYONE COMES FROM WHEREVER THEY ARE TO GATHER AROUND AND LOOK AT WHAT JACKIE IS HOLDING.

KELSO:

UH! Kick ass! (to Hyde) You guys got a new phone number!

THEY ALL LOOK AT KELSO IN DISBELIEF. HYDE FROGS HIM IN THE ARM.

HYDE:

That's not a new phone number ya moron, that's my new salary. My dad gave me a promotion.

DONNA:

(with a stunned laugh) Holy crap with that much money you can buy the phone company and we can _all_ get new phone numbers.

BROOKE:

(with a smile) This is incredible, Hyde.

LAURIE:

(nods like she can't believe it) Yeah, I think I'm actually impressed. But then again, (she shrugs) I have really low standards.

FEZ:

And it is a good thing, if you know what I mean. (he smiles at the others)

JACKIE:

(talking very quickly and excitedly) Steven's getting his own office and his own secretary and even his own phone line.

FEZ:

(smiles at Hyde) Oh I see hours and hours of "is your refrigerator running?" in the future.

HYDE:

(grins and gives Fez a nod) I'll be happy to accept your call, my friend.

DONNA:

(looks a little confused) So wait, what about your store?

ERIC:

(quietly to Donna) He's not gonna be there anymore.

DONNA:

What?

HYDE:

(shrugs like it's no big deal) Yeah, well my dad wants me in the office. And you know, I'll be doing a lot of trips out of town, so I can't be running the store and doing that stuff.

JACKIE:

(to Hyde) But that's ok, right? I mean you can go to Grooves and check upon things whenever you want.

HYDE:

(not very convincing) Oh yeah. Sure.

NO ONE BUT ERIC SEEMS TO NOTICE HYDE'S SLIGHT UNEASE.

DONNA:

(to Jackie and Hyde) Well I think it's amazing, you guys.

JACKIE:

Isn't it? (with a hand to her heart she sighs) It's like Jackie Collins is writing my life!

ERIC:

That's funny cause I think Marvel Comics writes mine.

LAURIE:

(points at her champagne) Are we drinking this stuff or what?

FEZ:

I've never had champagne that costs more than $2.00 before. (he sighs) Oh I am going to love having rich friends.

DONNA:

(holding up her glass) To Hyde.

JACKIE:

(she hops up and down) Yay, Steven!

ERIC:

(staring warily at Jackie) Oh, man, she's not gonna do a cheer is she?

HYDE:

(with a wicked grin) Not til after you guys leave.

ERIC:

(disgusted) Oh God, can we just drink please?

EVERYONE TAKES A DRINK EXCEPT FOR KELSO WHO LOOKS EXTREMELY CONFUSED AS HE STARES AT THE PIECE OF PAPER HE'S SNATCHED FROM JACKIE.

KELSO:

(like he's thinking really hard) Hold on, I'm confused, did they get a new phone number or not? Cause I don't wanna pick up the phone to call Hyde and get, like, Marty's Pizza or something. (with a dopey laugh) Unless I'm in the mood for pizza in which case it's ok.

EVERYONE JUST SORT OF SHAKES THEIR HEAD AT KELSO AND HYDE LOOKS LIKE HE MIGHT PUNCH HIM.

END SCENE

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CREDITS

INT. A CLASSROOM. FEZ AND LAURIE ARE SITTING AT DESK AND THERE ARE SEVERAL OTHER STUDENTS IN THE ROOM, THEY ARE ALL LISTENING TO A TEACHER LECTURE IN THE BACKGROUND. FEZ IS STARING AT LAURIE WHO IS PICKING AT HER SPLIT ENDS AND VERY CLEARLY NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO THE TEACHER'S LECTURE.

FEZ:

(with a dazed look he sighs) You're very pretty, Laurie.

LAURIE LOOKS UP FROM HER HAIR AND GIVES FEZ A BIG DITZY SMILE.

LAURIE:

I know, huh.

FEZ:

And I am a handsome son of a bitch.

LAURIE:

(nods) You are.

FEZ:

And we are going to bring beauty to Wisconsin. (he gets a dreamy far-away look on his face) So much beauty.

LAURIE:

(with a huge smile) We're like missionaries. Except what _we_ do will really matter.

FEZ:

(Fez's relaxed look disappears instantly) Ai. (he looks around at the other people sitting nearby than whispers to Laurie with a pained expression on his face) Do not say "missionary" while we are learning. It gives me needs.

LAURIE GETS A DEVILISH LOOK ON HER FACE AND RAISES HER HAND.

LAURIE:

(to the teacher in her pest ass-kissing voice) Excuse me? I need a lavatory pass.

TEACHER:

(smiles and nods at Laurie) That's alright, you don't actually have to ask permission to use the rest room. Just go ahead.

LAURIE QUICKLY GETS UP AND HEADS TOWARDS THE DOOR WITH A SEDUCTIVE BACKWARD GLANCE AT FEZ OVER HER SHOULDER. FEZ GETS UP AND STARTS TO FOLLOW HER OUT.

TEACHER(cont'd):

(calling after Fez) Excuse me? Where are _you_ going?

FEZ STOPS AND TURNS AROUND, HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT TO SAY.

FEZ;

(his eyes darting back and forth nervously)I ... ummm ... missionary.

FEZ FOLLOWS LAURIE OUT OF THE ROOM WHILE THE TEACHER WATCHES, VERY CONFUSED.

END SCENE

END EPISODE

UP NEXT ...

"Baker Street"

Eric and Donna finally move into their house leaving behind mixed emotions from Red and Kitty.

Phew. Okay, seriously a weight the size of Big Rhonda has just been lifted off my shoulders. Thanks for sticking with me, guys :) And seriously, thank you so much for your reviews and encouragement. They mean the world to me.

Oh, and yes, the song "Do That To Me One More Time" actually features a recorder solo. Yep. Go check out my profile page for the link to my LJ and there are links to all the songs in Redo.

A song with the recorder ... now that's just good fun :-)


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